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Revisiting Batman Returns. Better or Worse Than The First? – Tony from Hack the Movies
Well, I guess that I have to talk about this. At least briefly. Horseface is in a Catwoman outfit, after all.
0:00 – Eugh. It’s like an overstuffed garbage bag full of meat. It’s like she was poured into this suit and the person forgot to stop pouring. Insert third insulting simile here.
1:15 – “I’m going to be so sweaty. This is going to be like taking off a sauna suit at the end.”
Please don’t make me think about any of this.
Then sexy Frank over here, the world’s greatest actor, says, “The world is very jealous of us right now.”
No. Well, maybe the retarded world but the world of people who can live independent lives? No. This is not sexy. This is revolting.
And I know that she’s wearing a mask so that takes care of the horseface aspect of her unpleasant appearance but we still have to look at the body. That…eugh…
I don’t want to say that Horseface is overweight. Because she isn’t overweight. This is well within a healthy weight.
But do you want to see this? Do you want to see a 35 year old woman with jiggly upper arms and an average, at best, sized body squeezed into a latex outfit? Is this the body of a porn star? Because that’s what this is being presented as. We’re clearly supposed to be jerking off to this. No. I don’t get it. I am not jerking off to this. Not a single stroke.
Let’s shift focus from Crystal Quin for a moment because…god…I do want to think about this. How am I possibly going to get through this video? But anyway, Catwoman in general. It was a big thing in 1992 or whenever this movie came out. People were excited about Michelle Pfeiffer and this Catwoman suit.
I was the right age. I was looking at porn and whatnot. I enjoyed sexy ladies. But this Catwoman suit totally baffled me. Why are people excited about this? Let me look this up. Maybe I can appreciate it as an adult.
No. I still don’t get it. First of all, she must be about 40 years old in this picture. Secondly, she has no breasts. And it’s just this suit that covers everything. And the stitching…you’re reminded of Frankenstein. I don’t jerk off to Frankenstein.
It’s some BDSM thing? I guess? No. It’s not my thing.
But it was popular. It became a popular Halloween costume. I can understand why women would be drawn to it. It covers everything and allows even fat chicks think that they’re sexy because it kind of sucks everything into place. Although, as Horseface’s costume demonstrates, not really.
Doesn’t do anything for me, though.
Were there ever any sexy ladies in comic book movies or tv shows? Not that I can think of. Of course, I never really watched that shit. There weren’t too many comic book adaptations when I was a kid and when I became an adult, I lost interest in comic books. Being an adult and all.
Anyway, back to the video. Oh god. Well…as long as they stay zoomed out like this maybe I can stand it.
God, I can’t. I can’t watch it anyway. I’ll just leave it playing and watch something less revolting in another window. Because you know she’s going to talk about how hot Michelle Pfeiffer was, right? I have to stay until at least.
6:30 – Tony inserts some footage of him talking about a student film that Frank was in where he played Bruce Wayne. What is this? Who cares about this guy’s student film career?
Oh. Hold everything. Tony says that there’s a link to this movie. This might be worth watching.
I’m a minute in. It’s eight minutes in total. Frank hasn’t appeared yet. And I’m about to turn this off.
Okay. Good thing that I didn’t watch this. I skipped around after that first minute looking for Frank. Couldn’t find him. Is he even in this? Is he Nightwing, or whoever this is? I don’t fucking know.
But that was a “fan film” from a channel that has 89 subscribers. Let’s get back to Horseface. This was a total waste of my time.
22:45 – Tony makes a racist “joke” about how he doesn’t know the names of the women who appear on his channel. “I don’t know. They all kind of blend together for me. Trisha, Kira: same person as far as I’m concerned.”
And he puts pictures of Trisha and Kira side by side in case the “joke” wasn’t obvious. Trisha is white and Kira is black.
Get it? Let’s focus on people having different skin tones.
I don’t consider myself a racist guy but I appreciate that I sometimes say things that aren’t “PC” or “woke” in regards to race. But I don’t trade in racist humour. And I treat all people with respect and dignity.
I have some views about black people. My views are backed by my personal experiences with them and the available data on things like violent crime, domestic abuse, single fatherhood, and so on. But I treat people as individuals. Sure, we can draw broad conclusions about different groups of people but not everybody fits the stereotype.
Oh, this is a black person, he must be a criminal. Or Newt Wallen shitting his pants over a four year old black child looking for his mother.
So I don’t sit here and make jokes about watermelons and chicken. Because I’m not a fucking retard. There’s nothing funny about racist humour. You’re just exposing yourself as some dumb hick from rural Pennsylvania for whom it’s a novelty to see a black person.
Anyway, I’m turning this shit off. I made it to 23.30. Horseface didn’t actually talk about how hot Michelle Pfeiffer was but she did talk ENDLESSLY about the various interviews that she’s seen of Michelle Pfeiffer and how much she identified with the feminist themes that were explored in Batman Returns and shit like this. Awful stuff.
No. Michelle Pfeiffer had a job. She was an actress. That’s why she dressed like that in the movie. She was getting paid millions of dollars for that.
Horseface works in “events”, sells horrible softcore porn of herself, and is dressed like this…for what? She’s humiliating herself for nothing. For the “fame” of being on Hack the Movies.
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The Triumphant Return of the Irate Gamer
He hasn’t posted in like six months. When are we going to get some more bizarre homoerotic videos about “boner-biting dogs” and sex in public toilets? Let’s find out.
He’s talking about Geek Time, his GOD AWFUL podcast where he talks about conspiracy theories and takes calls from ten year old boys.
“I probably won’t do any more of those. Unfortunately.”
Because they got no views. And they got no views because they were beyond terrible.
There’s a partial list of episodes on his channel but it’s pretty well hidden. And even that list doesn’t have every episode. Some episodes might be lost media. Perhaps fodder for Bobdunga’s next “documentary.”
0:30 – “As far as Irate Gamer goes, the last couple of months, I’ve been doing the stay at home (no audio) dad thing.”
How weird is this? He clearly said “mom” but he just removed the audio for that word in post-production. That’s the first thing that’s weird about this.
The second thing is…this guy has children? Really? With a woman?
I don’t buy it. There are so many references to homosexuality in his videos. And he’s a complete fucking lunatic. With no job. What woman is going to procreate with a failed “Youtuber” who (apparently) believes in ghost hunting and every conspiracy theory ever conceived? There is simply NO WAY that he’s having sex with women.
Maybe he adopted with his boyfriend or “life partner” or whatever. Well, they don’t still have “civil ceremonies” do they? Gay marriage is legal in the US, I think . So his husband.
Even then…well, there’s always some guy who will go along with whatever crazy bullshit. But I think that women are a little more discriminating.
0:45 – He starts talking about not having “time”. He emphasises the word “time”. It’s a James Rolfe reference, I think.
“I know you guys are probably pumped about that.”
He said this without a hint of sarcasm. He genuinely believes that people are “pumped” for new Irate Gamer episodes.
So his new episode is of a game that he says he hasn’t seen anybody cover before. Great. But…who really cares? It’s still going to be shit. If the reviews themselves were interesting in some way, it could be about anything. Do a review of Super Mario Bros. I don’t give a fuck. As long as you’re bringing something funny and/or interesting to the review, it’s fine. But Chris BORES couldn’t be funny or interesting if his life depended on it.
2:00 – He says that Irate Gamer isn’t his focus any more because, “It doesn’t get the views any more. I’ve been screwed in the algorithmn.”
No. Your videos are terrible. His recent videos in particular. I remember like a 90 second video on some Jurassic Park game. No. That’s shit.
2:15 – “For the past couple of months, I still get emails regularly from die hard fans.”
No. This does not happen. James Rolfe also claims to get emails from “fans”. Who’s emailing? Who’s emailing ANYONE? Why aren’t they contacting him through Twitter or something instead?
2:30 – “I’m also working on a couple of other things in the background that I don’t want to talk about just yet.”
Ghost hunting. Speaking of videos that don’t get any views…ghost hunting. But he continues to make these videos that would insult a retard’s intelligence.
3:00 – “I know a lot of you have been asking about blu rays.”
What? No. Nobody is asking about blu rays. This isn’t 2007.
He says that he has no time. He’s mentioned “time” at least six times in this video. No exaggeration. Possibly more than six.
But no. Nobody is asking for this. Why would anybody fucking blu rays of content that’s already free on the internet? The whole business model doesn’t make any sense.
Then he said “time” probably another six times in the next 20 seconds. I’m not making this up. He must have said “time” at least a dozen times in this four minute video. And I’m not even done yet.
3:30 – “I have a creative mind and I need a creative outlet.”
When does the creativity start? Let’s see some of it, Chris BORES. Because thus far, I’ve only seen completely unfunny, derivative, homoerotic bullshit from you. And the ghost shit.
Then he gives a hint for what this next Irate Gamer video is going to be about. It’s an Atari game. We can all look forward to that.
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The Little Mermaid Review….kinda – Newt Wallen
0:00 – It starts with this woman, Lana, I think her name is, saying that seven years ago she was robbed at gunpoint outside of the theatre. Really? In rural Pennsylvania? That’s surprising.
I have a £1000 coat that I wear. It’s not some gay shit with a logo on it, it’s just a high quality coat. And people can tell. I get a fair amount of compliments on it. Mostly from drunken men but drunken men have an eye for fashion.
I never worry when wearing that coat. Even though I live in what’s considered one of the more dangerous cities in the UK. And I go through what are considered the scummier areas of the city. Never a problem. You see some hobos and drug addicts and whatnot but nobody hassles me.
When I lived in London, people would talk about bad areas and how it’s so dangerous. Really? These fucking faggots with this camp accent are supposed to be intimidating? What are they going to do?
There are gangs in London. Youth gangs. They literally ride their bicycles. That’s how they get around. And there are sometimes stabbings. Usually not even with proper knives. They use makeshift stuff like they’re in prison. It must be difficult to get knives. I think that you have to be over 18 or something to get decent knives.
The gangs are overwhelmingly black. Same as in the US. Draw your own conclusions. But again, a black guy with a camp fucking accent is not intimidating. Even when he’s tooling around on his fucking bicycle with a cheap pen knife in his pocket.
So I don’t know. It’s all relative, I guess. If you’re from rural Farnham or something, then you might be scared of living in London. But I grew up on the mean inner city streets in the US. It takes more than some fag on a bicycle to intimidate me.
But more to the point, you just don’t really see much street crime in the UK. At least I don’t.
1:00 – Newt tells a bizarre story about a black child who comes into the movie theatre looking for his mother. His grandmother works at the cinema. He sits next to Newt and these two other people and starts talking to his mother on his tablet. They’re all waiting for the movie to start. I think that it’s only this couple and Newt in the theatre.
So anyway, as this child is talking to his mother on the tablet, Newt is thinking, “Why does the mother never once say, ‘Who’s the white guy?’”
And they all start falling over laughing at this story. What? Why…
The child is obviously familiar with the cinema, what with his grandmother working there. I believe that this is a cinema that Newt works at as well. So the child sits down near to Newt and starts talking to his mother on his tablet. That’s all that happened.
But Newt talks about this like it’s completely insane. And Newt can’t understand why the mother isn’t asking the child about these white people sitting next to him. Like white people are prone to…what? Assaulting black children? Is that what Newt is implying?
Why did he even mention race? It wasn’t…none of this was relevant to the story. I don’t even understand the story. Why is this so funny? The child had legitimate business there. His grandmother works there. And he’d obviously done this before, based on the fact that he wasn’t uncomfortable about any of this.
I can see, at first, finding it strange that there’s this kid wandering around a closed theatre. But they find it funny even after they know the circumstances of him being there. I don’t get it. The kid was entitled to be there. His grandmother works there. His mother wasn’t worried because she knows that the grandmother works at the cinema. The mother can see that the child is at the cinema. What’s so fucking hilarious about this?
2:15 – This woman starts talking about how both she and Newt were “terrified” by this kid. I’m not making this up. That’s the word used. They were terrified of this CHILD in the movie theatre looking for his mother.
What the fuck? This might be why Newt isn’t wearing a £1000 coat. He opted for a $20 hoodie that he got from Walmart. He’s terrified that CHILDREN are going to rob him.
Is this a race thing? It must be. They mentioned his race several times in this story. And they found it peculiar that this kid was showing white people near him and the mother was unfazed. The mother was unfazed because…it’s people sitting in a cinema watching a movie. How does their race play into any of this? The child is obviously familiar with the cinema. His grandmother works there.
It just doesn’t make any fucking sense. If anyone can explain this story, by all means let me know.
2:45 – Now they’re saying that it was his grandfather who works there. So either I misheard or they mispoke when I was saying “grandmother” throughout this. Then this woman says, “That guy was creepy.” And they go on to shit on this guy. Because one time this guy grabbed Newt’s pizza and…this woman, who only saw this guy today, said that he has dirty hands.
He’s the cleaner, by the way. But this is…this is creepy? A guy with dirty hands is creepy? I suspect that a BLACK guy with dirty hands is what they’re concerned about. And the dirty hands part isn’t even relevant. They’re just afraid of black people. Elderly black people, black children, it doesn’t matter.
3:45 – This woman is continuing to describe the “terror” that she felt. “We babysat for half an hour and umm…but yeah, that was one of the most terrifying moments of my life.”
Just get the Klan robes out. That’s what this is. Hardcore racism. And BAFFLING hardcore racism.
When I make a comment like most gang crime being the result of black people, there are people out there who would view that as racist. And I know that. But the statistics back me up so I’m not concerned. I’m just stating fact.
These people are telling a story about a child looking for his mother, in a place where his grandfather works, and having to watch a movie with this kid for 30 minutes. They find this terrifying. This kid who has every right to be there. And they weren’t “babysitting” him. He was there watching a fucking movie at a cinema. A cinema that his grandfather works in. And it was a CHILDREN’S movie. It was The Little Mermaid. Totally appropriate for him to watch that. What the fuck is wrong with these people?
And then this “creepy” grandfather who had dirty hands. HE WORKS AS A CLEANER, YOU FUCKING RETARDS.
And they have the audacity to suggest that this elderly man is some kind of drug addict. I didn’t mention that part.
This elderly man asked Newt, who’s the manager, if he’s “got this” as in, can this guy go home? And Newt says, “Yeah.” So the guy goes home. Then they shit on him for going home. Because the other theatre was still dirty.
Then why did you tell him to go home? There was some kind of miscommunication. Newt was talking about the theatre that they were sitting in, not the adjacent theatre. So Newt should have been clearer. He’s the fucking manager. His response was not clear.
And do you think that guy wanted to go home? He’s getting paid by the hour. I’m sure that he would have been happy to clean it. That’s what he gets paid for. He doesn’t want to come to work for 30 minutes and then go home. Nobody wants that.
But these fucking dimwitted Klansmen are in hysterics over this. OVER WHAT? Nobody did anything wrong. They’re the only ones who did anything wrong.
4:00 – “The kid was totally comfortable. Just like a random middle aged dude talking to me.”
Why the fuck would he not be comfortable? HIS GRANDFATHER WORKS THERE. HE’S OBVIOUSLY FAMILIAR WITH THE THEATRE.
What are these fucking people thinking? They must live in fear of their own shadows. Oh no. A ten year old black kid is here looking for his mother. RUN!
4:15 – Oh. I overestimated. The guy in this video says that the kid was about four years old.
They’re terrified of a four year old boy who happens to be black. Unbelievable.
Here’s all that had to happen. You see the kid. You ask him if he’s okay. He says that he’s looking for his mother and his grandfather works here. You go to get his grandfather. And then you tell the kid that he can watch The Little Mermaid while his grandfather finishes cleaning up the other theatre.
That’s it. That’s what any normal human being would do. People bring their children or grandchildren to work. It’s not unusual. Especially in these sorts of jobs. Especially night shifts when people aren’t around. What’s the fucking problem?
It was a black kid. That’s was the problem. It was the most terrifying experience of this woman’s life. Worse than when she got robbed.
This is fucking disgusting. Newt actually thought that it was a good idea to upload this video. He’s the manager of the theatre and shitting on an employee. An employee who did NOTHING WRONG, by the way. And Newt puts this on Youtube. As a manager. Publicly shames an employee who did nothing wrong.
Newt should be fired. No question. Without even adding the racial element of this abuse, this is not how you treat your employees. Imagine having a job where your boss makes Youtube videos about what a fucking creep you are. Because your hands are dirty and you work as a cleaner.
I don’t understand how Newt can be this fucking stupid. Does he want to get fired from every fucking job he has? Is it that hard to be professional? You don’t have to be Mr Good Worker. Just don’t be a giant fucking asshole. That’s all you have to do.
I’m of a mind to call Newt’s place of business and tell them about this video. But the difficulty is that I think they already know and they don’t give a shit. Because Newt says that people have called his place of employment before to try to get him fired and the owner didn’t care.
How can anybody possibly excuse this video, though? Making a video where you accuse somebody who works for you of being a creepy drug addict because he has dirty hands. And making fun of him because his four year old grandson was there for a short while.
That’s another issue. A reason why people at these sorts of jobs often have their children or grandchildren at work is because the jobs don’t pay anything so they can’t afford childcare. And Newt is mocking this.
4:45 – Newt is talking about “woke white people” who say that this movie is the best.
So then the woman says, “Yeah, I read a lot of reviews from black critics who said that this movie has a lot of problems and it’s really disappointing.” And everyone laughs hysterically.
I don’t get this. I don’t get any of this. Why is that funny?
If the movie sucks dick, as it presumably does, of course critics who happen to be black are going to say so. That’s not a counterpoint to “woke white people” who claim to enjoy the movie. That’s just factual.
It’s not a dispute between “woke white people” and black film critics who don’t like the movie. The dispute is between Disney making shit “woke” movies in an attempt to make money and reality. People of any race can watch the movie and see that it’s shit. Black people generally do not like movies that are shit just because there are black people in them. They’re no different from anyone else in this respect. WHY IS THAT FUNNY? WHY DO THESE KLANSMEN NOT KNOW THIS?
Then the video just ends abruptly. There’s a part 2 to this video but I’m not watching it. I’ll just go read what the boys on the Stormfront message board have to say instead.
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Pam and Gabriel Knight in New Orleans – Cannot Be Tamed
This is Pam aka CannotBeEntertaining’s first “short”. Totally worth it. She went to New Orleans because of some video game. Did she get her tits out at Mardi Gras? Unfortunately, no.
Instead, she wore some grandmother dress, ate crawdads (or something) and pastries, drank cocktails and coffee, went to some forested area, saw an alligator, went to a crypt, put a snaked around her neck, and…that’s it.
Who is she going with on these trips? She also went to Costa Rica not long ago. Is she going by herself? How fucking sad is that?
Oh my god. I thought that I had written like half of the article already. I only wrote three paragraphs. How am I going to pad this out? Let’s check out her Twitter.
Oh yeah. Global Accessibility Awareness Day. Perhaps my favourite holiday. The family gathers around the Global Accessibility Awareness tree. You sing Global Accessibility Awareness songs. You eat a big Global Accessibility Awareness turkey.
I read the Wikipedia article for Global Accessibility Awareness Day and I still don’t know what it is. So let’s move on.
Eugh. Who cares?
This isn’t going so well.
Oh, here’s Pam with her lesbian girlfriend Pele.
Wow. Somebody needs to study what Pam is doing in those Youtube videos. Because look at how Pam looks in those Youtube videos and then look at these pictures. What the fuck? Is it the lighting? Is it the makeup? She looks awful in these candid pictures. And this is how she actually looks. She’s doing something in these Youtube videos to make…that…look presentable. I’m not being insulting. I’m genuinely impressed. Whatever she’s doing it’s working.
It might just be the makeup. Because you watch these makeup videos that she does, or maybe she no longer does them, and without makeup, Pam is one homely woman.
https://www.youtube.com/@CosmeticDLC/videos
Oh, she gave up. She hasn’t made a video in eight months. It was always some horny guy responding to the videos. “I don’t wear makeup, but you’re hot!” Shit like this. Or “I’ll make sure that my wife watches!” And the wife never watches. The wife is watching more interesting shit.
She got no views on these videos but it’s broadly similar to the number of views that she gets on her Point and Drink channel with Pele. So how much longer is Point and Drink going to last?
What could Pam make videos on? I don’t know. I think that she’s already making videos on stuff that she’s genuinely interested in: video games, makeup, alcohol. The problem is that she has absolutely no charisma.
Maybe she should go back to her blog. Let me see if I can find it.
https://cannotbetamedblog.wordpress.com/
She stopped the blog to focus on Youtube. No, that was a bad move. She needs to go back to blogging. Is she any less boring and condescending in print? Let’s see.
Well, her condescending nature shines through in these blog posts. That’s a turn off.
The blog is basically just about her and games that she likes. Why would I want to…read that? But that’s what her channel is basically about too. Similar question applies, I guess. Why would I want to watch that? But it seems somehow weirder in print.
Here’s an article where she mentions Youtube comments that she got which compliment her. Youtube comments saying keep up the good work, I like the videos. And she calls all of these guys sexist.
Interesting. This is why people don’t like Pam. She’s a horrible person. A total bitch. She hates men. And she’s condescending as fuck. AND BORING!
It even comes off in her writing. I don’t want to fucking read this shit. No wonder her blog failed. It didn’t fail because of the waning popularity of blogs generally, it failed because her particular blog sucked fucking cock. I don’t want to read articles about a condescending bitch calling every man on earth sexist.
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lets try LIQUID DEATH: Arm less Palmer – Newt Wallen
0:00 – “This is Running on Empty: Food Review”
Oh wait. No. This is Newt Wallen’s Dollar Store version of Report of the Week.
0:15 – “I don’t know why. For some reason, I thought this was alcohol.”
That’s what I assumed as well. With that name, why wouldn’t it be? Why would a non-alcoholic beverage use a name like that?
It’s some beverage aimed at adolescent boys, I assume.
0:30 – “When I used to hang out with Fallon, I was over at her house and her youngest grabbed one out of the refigerator and I was like…’It’s that kind of house’”.
So he’s not hanging out with Fallon any more. After Sucks2Suck wrapped, and only raised like $3,000, she was done with The Ideas Man. Huh. So a prostitute was only hanging out with Newt when there was money involved. Once the money was gone, the prostitute was gone. How unlike prostitutes. This woman is giving a bad name to prostitutes.
Dumbass Newt Wallen paying prostitutes to hang out with him. When is he going to learn?
The last video that Fallon appeared in was the one where Newt was looking at her OnlyFans with her. And it was clear from that video that her OnlyFans was horrendous. With no nudity. Just a lot of female “comedy” videos.
He was going to have that whole fucking show with her. There was a set and everything. And that fat chick. Let me look this up.
The show was called Haunted Attractions. You could find it right here on Schlock and Awe. What happened? It only lasted one episode. This was in fucking December. Is it ever coming back? All great tv shows take a break? What happened to the set at least? Can it be repurposed?
Newt is such a fucking idiot. How many times is he going to let himself be taken advantage of? Form ACTUAL relationships. Not this fucking prostitute shit. You don’t PAY somebody to hang out with you. That’s just common sense. Who the fuck does that?
1:15 – He says that this beverage came from a store called Five Below. It took me a while to figure out what he’s talking about. It’s like a dollar store but instead of one dollar, it’s five dollars. Everything in the store is five dollars or less. At least roughly. I don’t know how strictly this policy is enforced.
How can there even be dollar stores any more, assuming that all of the items are indeed a dollar or less. They had these stores when I was a kid. And surely before I was a kid. What can you get for a dollar any more? A five pack of Juicy Fruit?
3:00 – “The iced tea at least has some kind of get up and go. It tastes like this can’s get up and go, got up and went.”
So now he’s ripping off Time for Timer.
Go to the 35 second mark.
You think that we wouldn’t figure this out? You don’t need the autists on Reddit for this one. Everyone knows about Time for Timer, the 1975 public service announcements. That’s my era. 1975. I wasn’t even born yet but that’s my era. Same as Mike Matei.
5:30 – Newt talks about something called Monster Mania. He almost said “Monster Madness”. I don’t know what this is. Is he talking about Monster Madness?
I had an idea that Newt should do his own Monster Madness. It would be hilarious. There’s an ironic element, of course. And why not? What’s holding him back? James Rolfe doesn’t own the right to making daily videos about horror movies in the month of October. Newt can do it. And he already has a good name for it: Monster Mania. It’s not Monster Madness. It’s changed ever so slightly.
It would be the best thing he’s ever done. Even if it sucks. Which it would. This is Newt Wallen we’re talking about. But just the audacity of embracing the whole controversy. It can’t fail. Even if it does. Which it would.
Anyway, Newt didn’t like the beverage. I had a similar experience with Monster energy drink. First, I got some rip off version at the drug store. It was like…honey comb flavour? I remember it had bees on the can. I tried it and it was awful. I couldn’t understand why people were drinking this shit. Maybe it’s just because it’s this rip off version.
So a few years later, I got an actual Monster energy drink. The original green one. They were selling them in some vending machine in a train station. So I drank it and…no. It’s god awful. I can’t understand who’s buying this shit. I didn’t feel any change in my energy level and it tasted lke shit.
I have the same complaints about tea and coffee. And alcohol. But people are drinking this shit. I don’t get it. Life is full of mysteries.
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3 BAD NES Games from RARE – Erin Plays
Hello, desperation.
So we’ve got Erin, 35+ years old, with no breasts, sitting next to a cardboard cutout of Jessica Rabbit that Mike has for some bizarre reason that we should perhaps not think about. It’s not a favourable comparison.
0:00 – “When you think of Rare, you probably think of Banjo Kazooie, Killer Instinct, and Battletoads.”
No. Don’t tell me what I think. Tell us what YOU think when you think of Rare. You know, during all of those times when you’re thinking about defunct video game developers. She doesn’t know what Rare is. Doesn’t have a clue. But she did mention Killer Instinct because that’s one of the few games that she apparently owned as a child.
0:15 – So now she’s telling all of us gaming noobs about the NES game Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Despite the fact that she recently had a stream where she WATCHED Mike play the game and openly admitted that she never played the game before (except for briefly, on stream, for money, during a “variety stream”).
So why is she now telling us about this game? This game that even she admits she has virtually no experience with? The stream was just recently. I talk about it here:
Two weeks ago. Has she been playing that game obsessively, in her spare time, for the past two weeks? No. Of course not. She hasn’t played it for one second. She couldn’t even play the game on stream. Even that was too much work for her. She just WATCHED Mike play the game.
But now, somehow, she’s an expert and she’s going to tell us all about the game.
1:45 – “When you finally make to Judge Doom, this has to the worst, most monotonous boss fight in any NES game ever.”
Let me remind you that she has NEVER played this game. She openly admitted this two weeks ago. And I assure you that she has not played the game in the intervening two weeks. But somehow, she can declare this to be the worst boss fight in any NES game. She also has almost no experience playing NES games broadly.
By the way, all of her complaints are complaints that Mike regularly makes about the game. He always complains about the joke section of the game, for example. So guess what? Erin also finds that section really annoying.
He wrote this. This is all his gameplay. Erin is just the whore who he threw in front of the screen to read this shit. It’s no different from what Mike does with James Rolfe.
2:15 – “I really hate this game.”
SHE NEVER FUCKING PLAYED IT! NOT ONE TIME!
This is a new fucking low.
2:30 – She’s talking about the phone number now. “I’m sure it’s just a porn number or something so I’m not going to dial it.”
SHE KNOWS THAT IT ISN’T. In that fucking stream that I linked to, from two weeks ago, Mike talked about this with her. He said that it’s NOT a porn number. It hasn’t been a porn number in however many years or decades. This was discussed. So why on earth did she say that it’s a porn number when she fucking knows that it isn’t? And she knows the history of it. She knows that it USED TO be. So why is she presenting this like she’s just GUESSING that it’s a porn number?
Because she’s a compulsive liar and she’s incapable of ever telling the truth.
2:30 – Double Dare. Erin is all about Double Dare. Erin, born in 1987 really loves Double Dare, a show that ended in 1993, when she was six years old.
And that’s just Family Double Dare. The original Double Dare, where it was teams of two kids, ended in 1989.
I don’t know how I feel about Family Double Dare. I sure as fuck wouldn’t want to be on that show with my family. And it seems…I don’t know…weird. Having slime and water and whatnot dropping onto your mother? The t-shirt clinging to her. And all of that weird food stuff? It’s probably a fetish to somebody. Somebody is probably jacking off to somebody wading through a pool of baked beans. But I suppose that that applies to the non-family variety of the show too. You can’t cancel a show just because some freaks have some weird food fetish.
But it’s the family dynamic that I find peculiar. Your mother and father are on a popular tv show digging through a pile of whipped cream and falling all over and then you’re supposed to respect these people? These people who made a complete ass of themselves on a popular cable channel? And for what? Two hundred bucks in shitty prizes? These are not people who make good choices in life.
There was another children’s gameshow called I’m Telling. This was a more overtly disturbing game show. It was The Newlywed Game but for siblings. The Newlywed Game, if you’re unfamiliar, was a raunchy game show in the 1960s through the 1990s, I believe, in various forms, where sleazy host Bob Eubanks would ask recently married couples questions about their sex lives. What’s the strangest place that you made “whoopee”, how much does your wife’s chest weigh, shit like this. These were actual questions, by the way. And it was these sorts of questions regularly. “Whoopee” was a regular feature on the show. It’s their euphamism for “intercourse”.
So I’m Telling took that format and said, “You know what, let’s use it on 8 to 12 year old children in regards to their sibling.”
I think that it was almost always a brother and sister as well, by the way. So, again, weird. REALLY weird.
I don’t remember the sort of questions that they asked. I assumed that it was nothing overtly sexual. But it very well could have been.
Because I do remember a question during a “special” family version of the show. It was a brother and sister and their parents, if I recall correctly. And the question was, “What are your mother’s measurements?”
I’m not making this up. They asked like 10 year old kids what their mother’s measurements were. Ten year olds don’t know. They have no fucking idea. They don’t understand the concept. So they just said three random numbers.
Then the mothers had to come on to the show and tell the entire country, on network television (it was a Saturday morning game show, I believe, on NBC) what their measurements are.
Anyway, I digress. Back to the inane non-antics of Erin Plays.
2:42 – Erin posts a brief screenshot of Family Double Dare where there’s a mother in a giant pasta bowl, kneeling down, with her arms outstretched, in a weird sexual pose. And her daughter is standing behind her, presumably mortified and I have no doubt that this incident has been discussed with many therapists. It’s just weird.
I’m not saying that there’s anything…overtly sinister but…I don’t know. It’s weird.
So anyway, Erin pretended to play this Double Dare game too. Great.
4:15 – Time Lord. Erin pretended to play this game too.
So that was another completely zero effort video from Erin. With “help” by Mike Matei. Mike wrote this. He provided all of the game footage. He edited this. All Erin did was squeeze into a shitty Halloween costume and read the script. Poorly.
And what was the point of this costume anyway? She could have just as well dressed up as Marc Summers. Or maybe she could have dressed up as her favourite game show show host: Ray Born. You know, from Match Game.
Just about every comment is from horny retards talking about how hot Erin is. I won’t copy and paste them. I don’t even want to look at this shit. But I did notice that Erin replied to this one:
- “Damn Erin makes thotting acceptable.”
Erin says, “lol!!!” because she’s boring as fuck and never has anything interesting to say.
But by replying at all, she’s giving legitimacy to this guy’s comment. “Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m a 35 year old unemployed woman desperately trying to make money on Youtube. I have no personality, I know nothing about video games, and I’m boring as fuck so I’m just trying to dress up as a prostitute to get views. lol!!!”
- “Even dressed as Jessica, no tits/legs, no tit line, no sexy stuff, no ostensibly “trojan” sexual mouth movement and face expressions for the clickbait. I approve.”
I can’t figure out if that guy is being positive or negative.
- “Sorry Erin, but there is an easier way to beat Doom. You do not build up the punch by bouncing. What you do is you build a constant tap and back doom into a corner with multiple punches as you hit him with those weak punches, it builds up to strong punches and you just keep doing that and in about 20 -30 sec, doom is down. Then just pick up the dip cannon and go down and kill doom.”
Hey…retard…she never played the game.
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Autobiography Grand Finale
I was living in this shared house with a Polish guy, a South African couple, an Australian guy, and his German wife. After maybe a year of living there or a year and a half, I got a job as a receptionist in some mental health clinic. I have experience working with the mentally ill at that nightmare job in the US but this wasn’t anywhere near the same level. It was just people coming in off the street who had appointments. Some of them were jerks but not many. Also, a lot of the people were just elderly and had no mental problems but part of this clinic’s job was to give elderly people bus passes for some reason.
It was a receptionist job. I remember specifically asking the job agency who gave me the job if it was a receptionist job because it sounded an awful lot like a receptionist job when I read the job description. No, no. They insisted that it’s not. It’s an admin job. £12.50/hour. Well, £12.50/hour is pretty good. It’s more than any job I’ve had. I’ll try it out.
Receptionist job. I was awful at it. REALLY bad. People made fucking complaints. CO-WORKERS made complaints. Said that I was rude. I wasn’t rude. I don’t even know what they were talking about. But English people are very precious. They always say “please” and “thank you” and offer to make a “tea round” and shit like this. There’s a protocol and I didn’t do any of that shit. I do it now because I figured out that people get offended if you don’t, but I didn’t at the time. It’s mostly a problem in England. Less so in Scotland. Scottish people are much more down to earth and much less annoying than English people.
There were two other receptionists there. One was a young black English woman and the other was a British Indian MILF with huge tits. I was supposed to fill in for them when they were doing whatever admin stuff they had to do. The job was part receptionist and part admin but heavily on the reception. I did virtually no admin work when I was there. I was always on this fucking reception, dealing with angry people on the phone and angry people at the front desk.
It was a job that you really dreaded going to. And that’s an awful feeling. I’ve only had a few jobs that were that bad. You know that the day is going to be awful but you have to go anyway because it’s the only job you have.
Sometimes I would talk to this black woman. She wasn’t very talkative but sometimes it would just be me and her at reception and I have pretty decent conversations when I’m just with somebody one on one. We’d talk about the job and whatever. She never asked about the US, which I appreciated. That’s usually people’s first question. “What are you doing here, Mr Foreign Man?” Even if they mean it in a positive way, which they always do, it’s a constant reminder that you’re a foreigner.
There was one time when a telemarketer called and she talked to them for like 45 minutes asking about the product and whatnot. Then the telemarketer got angry when she told them that she wasn’t interested. The telemarkter asked her why she was asking about the product if she’s not interested and she said, “Well, I have to know more about the product before I can make a decision.” She was just messing around. Wasting time at work.
I enjoyed when it was just me and her on reception and she always made an effort to talk to me.
Then one day, after like a month, the manager called me in and said that I’m not suitable for the job and that I’m fired. She was polite about it. She basically just said that I’m too quiet and won’t fit in. The same shit that I heard from hundreds of job interviews in England. She suggested that I should work in a grocery store so that I can work on my social skills. As a cashier, you have to talk to the customers and whatnot.
This manager also mentioned the complaints that I got from co-workers saying that I’m rude. And she said that she told these people that I’m not rude but I’m just an American. There are cultural differences. She was right.
So I go back to the reception desk and this Indian MILF asks what happened and I told her and she was very supportive and said that the manager doesn’t know what she’s talking about and whatnot. But I said no, she’s right, I’m not good at the job. I knew that I wasn’t good at the job from the start. Even before I started the job, I knew it wasn’t going to go well.
This MILF says that if I need any money to let her know, which was very kind, but I had money and also when I wasn’t working, I would just start claiming benefits again. It was fine.
As I’m about to leave, I wrote a note. It was something like, “Today’s my last day. I enjoyed working with you. If you’d like to meet up for coffee some time, let me know.” And I put my phone number there. I gave this note to the MILF and asked her to give it to this black woman. The MILF read it and said that she’ll do that.
It’s obviously a high school way of doing things. I should have just asked the woman if she wanted to go out. But at least I did something.
After this job ended, I immediately got a job at a different mental health clinic. It was all in the same department. The manager referred me for the job. She said that I worked hard but just not good socially. So it was a data entry job. Fine.
I’m at this other job, I just started, and this new manager says that there’s a phone call for me. So I pick up the phone and it’s this black woman from the previous job. She says that she got the note and wanted to see how I was doing with the new job. So we talked for a bit about the job and then I said something like, “You know, I gave you the note because I was interested in meeting up some time.” She says, “Yeah. We shouldn’t talk about that now. I’ll call you later.”
Why she called me on my work phone, when I gave her my mobile phone number, I don’t know. So now I had to have this awkward conversation with my new manager right next to me.
This job only lasted a month as well. Again, I was fired for being too quiet and not fitting in. Despite the fact that the job was entirely independent work where you don’t have to talk to anyone.
But I started going out with this black woman. And it was nice. It was so much different from these lunatics from the internet. This was somebody who actually wanted to go out, didn’t have a laundry list of other guys who she was planning to meet up with, and she wasn’t insane. She was also much better looking than these unfortunate looking women from the internet.
I expected to only go out once or twice because that’s what my experience was with these internet women. So I told her on the second date that I can get theatre tickets and we can go see a play but I don’t know if we’ll still be dating by the time I get the tickets. And she was really offended. What do you mean we won’t be dating? Why wouldn’t we be dating? So I got the tickets and we ended up going out for a couple of years and then it was off and on for a few years and then I moved to Scotland and she’d come to visit a few times a year and then covid and…eh. She came to visit last Christmas and I still talk to her sometimes but not really. But we had a long relationship.
So after this second mental health clinic job, I did some more teaching assistant and exam invigilation shit. Always awful. I worked in a Jewish school for a couple of weeks. Horrendous. The kids were fine but the administration was shit, they made you do work that had absolutely nothing to do with exam invigilation (like organising their files and shit) because they were just exploiting cheap labour. You also had to go through all of this weird security. Fuck this.
Then there was a job that was two and a half hours from my home. I had to take a coach. A coach is different from a bus. A coach is for long-distance travel and it costs a fair amount of money.
So I’m at what I assume is a bus stop, when this huge fucking coach arrives. I’m not getting on there. So I had an atlas with me and I somehow figured out that this job was two and a half hours away.
I called the agency and asked them why they gave me a job that’s two and a half hours from my home. They said that it isn’t. I disagreed and I told them that I’m going to go home. The guy told me to take a taxi. I told him that I’m not going to pay for a taxi. He said, “Just take the taxi. We’ll talk about it.” I obviously take that as meaning that he’s going to pay for the taxi. Spoiler: he doesn’t.
I get to the job, it was at least 90 minutes from me, maybe it would have been two and a half hours by bus, I don’t remember where I got that from, the job is fucking awful as per usual, and then…I don’t remember how I got home. Either a taxi or maybe I figured out a different bus to take. But it was ridiculously far away from my home. There is absolutely no way that they should have sent me to that place.
So I send this guy the taxi receipt. He says that he’s not paying. I say what are you talking about? You said you’d pay. He said, “I said ‘We’d talk about it’, not that I’d pay.”
He calls a few days later asking if I’m available for a job. I say, “Of course not. You didn’t pay for the last one. I got £6 for that job. Does that sound right to you?” Six pounds was what I got paid for the day minus the travel costs that I had to pay. He says that it doesn’t sound right. So I say okay and end the conversation.
Shortly after that, I got another data entry job. The guy calls me up again and asks if I’m available for a job. I tell him no. I’m not doing any work for him. He says, “Is this still about what happened last time?” like I’m blowing this out of proportion. So I say, “Yeah. Not getting paid is a big deal. Do you really not understand this?”
Anyway, I’m doing this data entry job now. I’m the only person there who knows how to type. It was in some kind of print shop. They’d print documents for various people and companies. Almost everybody working there was an immigrant from Pakistan. And they just spoke that fucking language all day. Just that fucking buzzing noise of Urdu all day. You don’t understand anything so it’s just noise.
I was really getting ready to leave. I didn’t want to stay in the UK any more. I was planning to go back to the US. But I also saw a job ad to be like an assistant English teacher in Japan. Great. I worked as a substitute teacher for a year in the US. That should count for something. Plus all of the “too quiet and won’t fit in” teaching assistant and exam invigilation experience in the UK.
So I go to the interview. There are like eight of us. A group interview. This was the first clue that this was going to be a horrendous experience.
Everybody was English except for me. Young people wanting to go to Japan. Have an adventure.
It was the most demeaning job interview I’ve ever had. We had to come up with little skits for everybody. We literally had to walk around and cluck like a chicken. And then there was some pseudo psychological exam, some word association shit. Legally, I don’t think that you can do that kind of thing at job interviews any more. I don’t think that you can do any of this at job interviews any more. I’m not even sure if this shit was legal at the time. It certainly shouldn’t have been.
So I didn’t get the fucking job. Fuck this. I’m just going back to the US.
Then I saw a job that looked perfect for me. You don’t have to talk to anybody. It fits with what I studied in university. Let’s just say it’s like an IT job.
So I said, “Okay, I’m going to give this a shot. See how this goes and if I don’t get this job, fuck it. I’m going back to the US. I’m sick of doing these shit jobs.”
It was through an agency. It was an agency who gave me work in the past and there was no problem. But I didn’t hear back. So I sent a follow up email saying that I’m really interested in the job, did submit my resume to the company. Didn’t hear back.
So I had to figure out who the company was who was advertising the job. I managed to do this. So I sent my resume directly to the company.
Literally within five minutes of sending the resume, my phone was ringing. It was the company and they wanted to know when I can come in for an interview. This useless fucking parasitic agency refused to forward my resume to the company. And had I got the job through them, they presumably would have taken a cut of my wages for the entire time I worked there.
I went to the interview. It went great. They were thrilled. I got the job. There was like a year of training first. The training was paid for. But after that, I started working properly and I’ve been doing this kind of work at different places for the past 15 years consistently.
After I got this job, I immediately started looking for a new place to live. Because now I had a proper job and could find my own place. No more shared accomodation. It was also awkward bringing my girlfriend to this shared place. She didn’t like it either. She would try to avoid having to talk to anybody, same as I did.
The South African couple had a big fight. I remember plates being smashed and shit. So the guy left and the woman bought a puppy to replace him. Oh. This is good. Now there’s a puppy in the place. I don’t want to get involved in people’s drama.
So I got out of there like two months after starting this job. I found a shitty little studio on the very outskirts of London. It was on the top floor of a converted house. It was a three story house and there was one apartment on each story. The other people in the house were black. It was a mostly black neighbourhood.
I didn’t mind it, though. It was a step up from these overwhelmingly immigrant neighbourhoods that I had been living in since coming to London. At least these black people speak English. It was mostly black English people. Some Jamaicans and shit but they speak English in Jamaica.
That’s something that I fucking hated in these immigrant neighbourhoods. You would go out on the street and hear every fucking language except English.
These black people speak English. Great. And I never had any problems. There was never any, “Yo, yo, yo. What’s your beef?” shit. If you’re just going about your business, people tend to leave you alone.
There’s a lot more that happened over the years. There’s a lot more that I can say. This was like 15 years ago but everything came together at that time so it’s a good place to stop. I finally had a decent job, I had my own place, and I had a girlfriend. So I accomplished my goals and I never had to live in shared accomodation or do a shitty job again.
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A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors is a Fan Favorite – Tony from Hack the Movies
So we’ve got Tony, this anti-abortion religious nut, and Jessica the world’s longest-standing intern. I’m pretty sure that this is the first appearance of Jessica post-Tony leaving Screenwave. I think that it’s also the first time that this anti-abortion Jesus nut has appeared on the show post-Tony leaving Screenwave.
But is Jessica still at Screenwave in some capacity? We don’t know.
Tony says that Jessica is now on something called “Creep Off” and Jessica says, “And ASE Presents now.”
By the way, she refers to herself as “Jess”, not “Jessica” but I don’t want to go back and edit everything. But…wait. Really? Does she mean that she appears in ASE videos or just that she edits them or something?
I’m not seeing Jess in any of the thumbnails or from a quick scan of some of the videos. I’m only seeing Mint Salad, the autistic woman who’s getting pimped out by her fat hillbilly boyfriend.
So I’m thinking that she’s just editing the videos. Maybe she did leave Screenwave then. So she’s editing videos for something called Creep Off and also ASE Presents. God, what a way to make money. Just get a job in a dentists’ office or something. They need receptionists. You’ll make more money and it won’t be as fucking vile as editing videos for an autistic woman who’s being sex trafficked.
3:00 – Tony starts talking about Mint Salad. Eugh. It’s just so sleazy. They know that she’s being trafficked. Everybody does. Why do they support this? And it’s not just Tony. Horseface supports this. Jess supports this. It’s gross. What’s wrong with these people?
4:45 – This Jesus nut says that Arnold Schwarzenegger is “having a great month.” I’ve looked it up. I don’t know what she’s talking about. I suspect she just…likes Republicans? It’s all connected to her anti-abortion shit.
I don’t particularly care about abortion one way or the other but it’s unfortunate that so many of these dimwits have a view on abortion and that dictates their political beliefs. So the Republican party doesn’t represent this unemployed Casey woman AT ALL. They have no interest in her. They view her as cattle. But because abortion is used as a political issue in the US, they’ve captured her. She supports Republicans, she identifies as a Republican, solely because of this abortion issue. Never mind the fact that every piece of legislation produced by the Republican party is trying to erode her rights and bring back chattle slavery.
For clarity, I’m not saying that Democrats are any better. They’re worse. Republicans are fairly upfront about being a party for the wealthy elite. But the Democrats, who are also a party for the wealthy elite, try to diguise it. They pretend to be a friend to the working man. Or in Casey’s case, the unemployed woman. At least I can appreciate the Republican Party’s relative honesty.
Okay, I’m skipping to the end. I’m sorry. I have ZERO interest in this. Casey is awful. Jess is awful. Tony is just summarising the fucking movie. And I have no interest whatsoever in the movie. I’m an adult. An adult in 2023. I don’t care about movies from the 1980s that were geared to derranged adolescent boys.
1:15:15 – Tony starts talking about Mint Salad. Some stupid joke. Casey and Jess play along with this and talk about how kooky Mint Salad is. Reminder: she’s an autistic orphan who’s getting pimped out by her fat hillbilly boyfriend.
1:15:45 – Then there’s footage of Mint Salad in some kind of PVC superhero outfit. She’s all hanging out of it. It’s not attractive.
She then, eventually, stumbles through her words and challenges Tony to a wrestling match. Can this get much sleazier?
Jess says that Mint Salad is “beautiful and bad.” Reminder: she’s an autistic orphan who’s getting pimped out by her fat hillbilly boyfriend.
Then Casey starts promoting her scam e-books and shit. God fucking damn it. What did Jesus say about scamming people? He was probably against it, right?
“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.”
– Matthew 6:24
“If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.”
– Colossians 3:1-5
“Bread gained by deceit is sweet to a man, but afterward his mouth will be full of gravel.”
– Proverbs 20:17
Just another fucking charlatan using Jesus of Nazareth to con people and enrich herself. It’s right there in Matthew 7:15.
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Erin and Crystal Quin are Posting Old Pictures of Themselves
Hey guys! Here’s a picture of me from when I was 19 and hot.
Umm…bad news, Erin. Even when you were 19, you weren’t hot. How on earth did she think that she was going to be some sex symbol in the Youtube retro gaming community? You might think, well, she was older when she started. She might have still thought that she was hot.
No. This picture proves that she was NEVER hot. Never in her life should she have thought that she was hot.
But do you know who does find her hot? ShiShi? Yes, of course. ShiShi. But I was thinking of HORSEFACE MCGEE! Top comment.
- “Omg stop! I’m convinced you will always be the cutest thing ever!”
Heterosexual Horseface over here contstantly talking about hot chicks. Or, as in this case, “hot” chicks. She just can’t help herself. This is the only way that she knows how to communicate with anyone. Fake lesbianism. It’s her way of fishing for compliments. “Hey, if I call everybody a hot chick, maybe they’ll call me hot too. Or at least they won’t point out my horse-like face.”
Erin replies with, “Omg no way 🙈 but thank you! Haha ♥️♥️♥️”
Dull as fuck, of course.
ShShi says, “Everyone had vests back then with either shinies or… flames 😬 The plat blonde looks good, you should bring it back! Finding the right frames is hard tho… But wtf is in the background – glitched Nintendo 64 level?”
What the hell is he talking about? She wasn’t wearing a vest and I don’t know what he means by “shinies” and “flames”.
Some other fake lesbian says something creepy. I won’t even sully the blog by copy and pasting it. But Erin replies with some hearth emojis.
There are a few creepy comments there. I’ll just move on.
So Horseface. What’s she been up to on Twitter?
She’s trying to meet random men in public. She says that she’s so hot in this picture that it’s inevitable that men will be interested in her.
Horseface…are you out of your fucking mind? I mean, I applaud you for wearing an entire shirt for once. That’s a step in the right direction. And a sweater. We don’t need to see your jiggly upper arms. But this is…fuck. I don’t even want to get into it.
“Look at me guys! I’m trying to get a date! Aren’t I a hot chick? Please tell me that I’m a hot chick, you desperate horntards!”
No. Nobody is more desperate than you, Horseface. You’re 35 years old, at least, posting this desperate shit on the internet. I’ve never seen somebody more desperate to be a hot chick in my life.
If she would just work on her personality, she wouldn’t have to so desperately rely on her non-existent hotness.
Also, this post was just an excuse to shill for a company who makes t-shirts. It’s an ad.
Johanna replies. “This picture is so cute!!!!” Great stuff, ladies. You really know how to communicate. This is entertainment.
Some old nerd says that he wants to have sex with Horseface and his wife at the same time. That’s good. It’s a good offer.
Oh, Kris Glavin replies. “Awesome shirt at least we have the last drive inn with Joe bob and Darcy to look forward to”
What? What is he talking about? Horseface says that she’s looking for a boyfriend. Kris Glavin replies, “Hey, you can still watch tv.” Whatever.
Oh, here we go. Here’s another one by Kris Glavin. Much more in his style. “Stunningly beautiful young lady Thursday gorgeous hope you have a great day and weekend babe sending you lots of love and hugs and positive vibes babe”
I swear that it’s a bot that’s writing these messages. It has to be. It’s in the same exact style every time. Same phrases.
She also advertises her Instagram.
Come and check out my daily adventures! Like…the time that I did a photoshoot with Johanna. Or…the time I did a photoshoot on a bed. Or…the time I did a photoshoot at the beach.
These aren’t adventures, you dumb bitch.
Well, assuming that this is a movie of some description, being an actor might help.
Oh, and now we go full circle with Horseface posting a picture of herself when she was 19.
I…what? No. God no. How on earth do these women think that they’re attractive?
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24 years ago Today Phantom Menace and I debuted at a movie theater – Newt Wallen
First, a bonus video. I forgot to post anything yesterday. It was midnight when I remembered. I wasn’t going to stay up to write something about Erin or whatever. It can wait.
So Newt is ripping off ReportOfTheWeek now. He just has to start wearing thrift store suits and being gay. Well, I think that he has that last part down already. So just the suits then.
0:00 – “I was sitting line at the local pharmacy waiting for my Zoloft prescription.”
We don’t need to know what medications you’re taking. We’re not your dentist. But Newt wants to advertise how depressed he is.
So to cheer himself up, he bought a sugary beverage. When did I stop drinking soda? I don’t know. I only drank it regularly when I was living at home. My mother would buy cases of it. Terrible parenting. And she drank soda regularly so it was just part of her addiction, I guess.
But as an adult, I never bought much soda. I’d get it if I was going to a restaurant or a fast food place but I never bought any from the grocery store. Then a few years ago when I started being more concerned about dental hygeine, I cut it down even less. And then when I went on a diet, I cut it down to basically zero. I drink it once in a great while if I’m in Subway or something but we’re talking maybe two or three times a month.
I don’t miss it. I don’t get these people who talk about food and drink. It’s just food. Do other things. Get other interests.
0:45 – Newt complains about a customer who was using coupons. He goes on to say that the cashier, “Looked like she died three years ago but somebody forgot to tell her. That’s how old she was.”
You’d think that a depressed person wouldn’t try to tear other people down. People have problems. This is a woman who’s perhaps working past retirement age because she doesn’t have enough money to live on. The US doesn’t have anything approaching an adequate retirement system. You have to have a private retirement fund and if you weren’t consistently contributing to such a plan and if you weren’t working consistently since you were in your early 20s, you’re just fucked. You have to get a job in retail and work until you die. Serving asshole customers like The Ideas Man. Newt is not remotely sympathetic. Newt only cares about Newt.
Newt gets this beverage and he talks about how conflicted he was when purchasing it. He tries to justify drinking soda. Who cares? Drink it or don’t.
1:15 – He’s reading from the label. “‘Dew with a blast of Americana.’ Given our track record over the past few years, I’m assuming that taste means mass shooting.”
What an odd comment. Of all the things that go on in the US, positive and negative, why are mass shootings what he identifies the US with? He just focuses on whatever the Chosen People in the media tell him to focus on, I guess. Today it’s mass shootings, tomorrow it will be abortion, the day after it will be Mickey Mouse being gay. Get outraged over stuff that affects very few people in the country, and totally ignore the stuff that affects virtually everybody like the standard of healthcare, the health insurance situation, the cost of college tuition, non-dischargeable student loans, toilets that don’t flush, the obesity epidemic, massive inequality, and so on.
The odds of you getting shot in a mass shooting are virtually nil. But the odds of you requiring medical treatment at some point in your life and having to pay a fortune because you don’t have insurance and possibly having to declare bankruptcy and losing your life’s savings are extremely high. Newt himself has had numerous ocassions to get hospital treatment. So he should know this. But he’s concerned about mass shootings.
1:30 – Newt reads the calories. 270 calories. He says, “The other night, when I got home from work, I was like, dude, I got to fucking get back into shape because I feel disgusting.”
Well, good for you. We can all look forward to penis picture of The Ideas Man where he’s all buff and muscly.
Then he drinks some of it. And…eh…it’s alright. Three out of five stars, I guess? A 5 out of 10? Good stuff.
Wow. I wrote more than I planned to on that one. But here’s what I actually meant to talk about:
Hey guys! Remember Star Wars: The Phantom Menance?
Well, I guess. I never saw it but I remember the hype. When did it come out? 1999. I would have been in college.
I remember as far back as like 1994 an English teaching talking about the planned prequels. He was hyped for them. He was probably in his mid 30s so he could have been around our age when at least some of the original trilogy came out.
Then the more you learned about the movie, the less interested you became. And it turned out to be a piece of shit.
1:00 – Newt says that he started working in movie theatres in 1999. Really? I think that Newt is 40. So he would have been 16 in 1999. Well, I guess.
I never did any part-time work in high school. Why would I? I’m in high school.
Well, I guess if you want to make money for your hobbies or doing stuff or wooing the ladies. But I didn’t do any of that stuff.
Even in college…my horrible mother would regularly complain that I wasn’t working. Of course I’m not working. I’m a full-time student. And she hadn’t had a job since she was like 25. Who is she to criticise anyone for not working?
But I got a job when I was…20? I delivered pizzas. That was alright. I did it once a week for three months. Seems like it was longer. Then when I was 21, I got a job in a casino. I did that for three months too. Then that was it. That my college work experience.
None of it had any bearing on my future employment prospects. Whether I worked or didn’t work, it’s irrelevant. I still ended up getting a job. I’ve had loads of jobs. But in college, I was going to college. That was the job. My mother and her eighth grade education couldn’t seem to understand this.
1:15 – “They’d say, ‘Wow. 24 years and you’re still doing this. What a fucking loser.’ To which I’d say, ‘Mom, stop leaving comments on my Youtube page.’”
Newt’s mother seems to be about the same calibre as mine.
1:30 – “I haven’t always been in movie theatres. Remember, I failed at a media company.”
It’s an interesting perspective. You look at Newt getting fired from Screenwave and you think, “Big deal. It was just some shitty office job.” But for Newt, this was something different. If you’re working in movie theatres for 20 years, you might welcome the opportunity to work in an office. Even if it’s with a shitty company like Screenwave which apparently doesn’t have a pleasant work environment.
“And I ran hotels and comic shops and shit like that. I bounced around.”
Oh, that’s right. So he hasn’t worked in movie theatres for 24 years. He can get another job if he wants. Presumably, the movie theatre job pays the best.
“I keep getting brought into these situations because I’m pretty fucking good at it, man. Assholes are like, ‘Oh, he probably just makes popcorn.’ Yeah, I make popcorn sometimes. But I also book the films, I do the inventory, I’m putting the ticketing system together so the buildings communicate with each other.”
I’m surprised that a manager makes popcorn. Surely, they have employees for this. He made a short recently of the popcorn popping. It wasn’t nearly as interesting as I had hoped.
I haven’t had popcorn since I was a kid. No, my girlfriend at the time gave me some “gourmet” flavoured popcorn a few years ago. That was bad. Her idea of “gourmet” varies greatly from mine. If it says “gourmet” on the bag, she just takes it as fact. No. It has to be a quality product. An actual gourmet product probably isn’t going to have the word “gourmet” on the packaging.
3:00 – Newt is telling a story about how he worked in a gas station and somebody robbed him at gunpoint. Newt says that he urinated himself. He was 16 at the time. When the manager returned, the manager laughed at Newt having urinated himself. This robber put a gun in Newt’s mouth, by the way. Then a manager of a movie theatre came into the gas station, as Newt was waiting for his mother to pick him up, and offered Newt and his friend a job at the theatre. So this is the origin of Newt working in cinemas.
Then Newt gives a cryptic response about what happened to the manager of that gas station. Newt says that his grandfather was in the police department and…something happened. I don’t know what.
But back to the urinating. I don’t blame Newt for that and the manager was obviously an asshole for making fun of him.
I urinated myself once before. This was in the 7th or 8th grade. I was in the school band. The teacher was prone to fits of outrage. Totally irrational. Totally out of proportion to anything that was going on.
We were on stage practicing for some school concert. Nothing remotely important. The parents come to see the concert. There are a few concerts a year. Nobody wants to attend these things. But it’s for the children. Take an interest in your children’s activities.
Earlier in the day, some kid playing the clarinet hit the wrong note so he started screaming at him, told him to move further down into the band line up, and picked up his chair and threw it like twenty rows into the audience area. Nobody was in the audience at the time, of course.
Then we’re playing a new song. I’m on the bass drum. It’s the first time that we’re playing this song. So I’m looking at the sheet music and following along. Doing my drumming.
The song finishes and I look at the teacher. He’s staring at me and looking like he’s going to kill me. He says, “That’s the first time you’ve looked at me.” Then he starts screaming about how maybe if that was the first time we played that song he might understand it. It was the first time. But he just keeps screaming about this. And it’s over absolutely nothing. At some point during this, I urinated myself.
We’re talking about a school band. The guy was a lunatic. He died last year. He had been teaching for 50 years. Nobody left a comment on his obituary page. Nobody gives a shit about this guy. Born a scumbag, lived a scumbag’s life, died a scumbag.
12:30 – After talking about the movie, briefly, and his career history, Newt says that he never should have took the job at Screenwave. Then he blames everyone else for him plagiarising.
That’s the video.