Gamer Girls

51:30 – Erin says, “I don’t think I like Smurfs.”

She’s never seen it before. Of course. It was before her time and even if it wasn’t, she still wouldn’t have seen it. But why the ambiguity? If you haven’t seen something, you don’t have any opinion on it. Erin doesn’t seem to understand this basic concept.

Oh. Then she says that Snorks are better. Another cartoon before her time. So she’s pretending to like the Snorks now, despite the fact that she hasn’t seen any of this and knows nothing about it.

It’s just completely insane. Why does she do this? Why pretend that you’ve seen children’s cartoons that were cancelled before you were born? What is achieved by pretending to have these fake interests?

52:00 – Erin points out the the game says Coleco. That’s because it’s a Coleco game, Erin. This isn’t hard to understand.

I had a friend who had a Colecovision. He didn’t have an Atari. And I don’t think that he ever got a Nintendo or any of that shit, which is weird. I didn’t either, really, but I had a PC, which was unusual back in the day. But he had a Colecovision.

And I’d go to his house sometimes and play Smurfs. It sucked. You just jump fences and I remember having difficulty with it. Dying on fences. It’s not what you want in a video game.

He also had Smurfs glasses. There was a little sticker or something of a Smurf on his glasses. He must have been big into Smurfs.

It was a weird family. Only one friend was allowed in the house at a time and he strictly enforced that. And it’s not like we were running wild. We were all well-behaved kids. His parents obviously had this rule.

And there was a police scanner in his basement. This was popular hobby, I guess, in the 1970s and 1980s. Listening to a police scanner. Maybe it was a CB radio. I don’t know. But we couldn’t touch it.

And he had Legos but not like I had Legos, all jumbled in a drawer. He just assembled the Lego car or whatever and put it on a shelf. He apparently never felt the urge to disassemble it and make something else.

There were a lot of Precious Moments figurines in the house too. His mother collected them.

He lived with his parents for a long time. Into his 30s maybe. And then he got a place with his sister. It’s weird.

Even though we were friends up until the 8th grade or so, and we’d walk to school every day, in all these years, I never asked anyone to tell me what he did for a living or what he’s up to. I never contacted him on Facebook or anything (I don’t have Facebook). And that’s weird too. I was just doing my own thing.

52:15 – “Everybody’s asking why Gargamel didn’t like the Smurfs and why he wanted to eat them.”

Well, tell us Erin. You claim to have to have watched the show enough to say that you don’t like it and that Snorks is better. Give us the lore. Tell us about Gargamel wanting to turn them into gold. It was mentioned in many, many, MANY episodes of the show.

Mike doesn’t know either. What’s wrong, Mike? I thought that you were a big Smurfs fan. This is your era. You were offended when Erin said she didn’t like the Smurfs. You don’t remember any episodes where Gargamel was trying to turn the Smurfs into gold?

53:00 – “I don’t like the Smurfs. I think Mike likes the Smurfs.”

Clearly not. Knows nothing about it. You can’t enjoy the show without knowing Gargamel’s motivation for wanting to capture the Smurfs. He was a Jewish caricature. Obsessed with money. Immoral. Big nose.

Let me look this up. I know that this gold angle wasn’t explored in every episode and sometimes it just seemed like he was chasing them for no reason but it was definitely a large part of the story, at least in the…I don’t know…second to fourth seasons. Maybe not during the Homnibus era and maybe not during the latters seasons where they had the Smurflings and definitely not during the last season with that time travel shit but in the middle there were definitely episodes where Gargamel was trying to capture Smurfs to turn them into gold. He needed seven of them, or something. A biblical reference.

https://smurfs.fandom.com/wiki/Gargamel_(character)#What_Does_He_Need_the_Smurfs_For?

Yeah. Right here. I was 100% right.

Mike is unable to jump over the first fence. So it wasn’t just me. It is difficult.

54:15 – “Look at him walk!”

Oh, it’s adorable isn’t it? This is what we’re here for. To listen to Erin point out “cute” things in games that she’s never played before and will never play again.

56:00 – Erin says, “Why is there only one girl Smurf? Because she was probably an afterthought.”

Really? That’s all you have to say? If you don’t know the answer, Erin, that’s fine. Just say, “I don’t know. I don’t know anything about the Smurfs. I was born in 1987. Is that okay with you retards? I don’t give a shit about the fucking Smurfs.”

Cool. It’s no problem, Erin. The problem is the constant lies.

Gargamel, of course, created Smurfette as a way to infiltrate the Smurf village and lead them all to his castle. Or something. I don’t know the plan exactly. But she started off with black hair and then when her heart was opened to the overwhelming love that she found in the Smurf village, she became a true Smurf and her hair turned into a sexy blonde.

And later, there was also Sassette. So there’s not just one female Smurf. Wasn’t there also a grandma Smurf? I know that there was a grandpa Smurf with that long beard and yellow hat. He came along in one of the later seasons. But was there a grandma too? I don’t know. And that’s okay. It’s okay not to know everything about the Smurfs. But don’t make shit up.

Then Mike makes the obvious sex joke about Smurfette getting gangbanged by the Smurfs but he thinks that there’s 150 Smurfs. No, you fucking idiot. Traditionally, the number was 100. It was said many times during the course of the show. It must have been because I know for a fact that 100 was the number given as the number of Smurfs. Later, they obviously added new Smurfs, which changed the number, but 100 is the canon population of the Smurf village.

59:00 – Erin says, “Do the loops get harder? Probably not.”

This despite the fact that she watched the entire second loop, which was clearly harder, and Mike mentioned this several times. She must not know what a “loop” is. She’s a fucking moron.

59:45 – Mike starts waxing idiotic about how great it was in the “early 80s” that we had Rainbow Brite, the Smurfs, and He-Man. Mike was born in 1980. How can he possibly remember the early 1980s? He’s a fucking clown.

1:01:00 – Erin asks Mike if he wants to play more Carnival. Erin loves that game. She’s “addicted” to it. Despite the fact that she obviously knew absolutely nothing about the game and never played it before. But now she’s all about it. She doesn’t want to play one of the other 500 games on the Atari. She just wants to keep playing Carnival.

You know what? That’s enough for me. We can stop here. I can’t watch this shit any more. We got the Smurfs. We got my story about my weird neighbour. That’s good enough. I’m not going to fucking watch them play Carnival AGAIN and have Erin pretend to be remotely interested in this shit.

Having a bunch of ~*technical difficulties*~ tonight but I'll be back on stream as soon as I can! In the meantime though, I've been working on a new video that I hope you guys will like. I think it will be a good one! 🙂

— Erin Plays 💫 (@erinplays87) July 9, 2023

The video will be about that fucking fishing game that she played, on stream, for money, and then never again. She’s a big Fishing Duel fan, or whatever it was called.

Watch tv, read magazines, draw, play video games, listen to music while reading the lyrics in the cd booklet, run around outside with friends, go to the mall, go on the internet (message boards, livejournal, etc) . . . https://t.co/qJBBpZMWfX

— Erin Plays 💫 (@erinplays87) July 8, 2023

Riveting stuff, Erin. What a unique and fulfilling life that you’ve lead.

22:45 – So they’re starting Circus Atari. One of the horntards asks, “Do you ever go on any of the carnival rides?” Erin says, “Not…usually.”

You don’t say. Erin not doing something? I refuse to believe it.

23:15 – Erin, who spent the last ten seconds making “boing” noises, said, “This is great. Shit like this is fun. It’s addicting.”

She’s never played the game before. Not once. But she finds it “addicting.”

Then Mike says, “I don’t know how to get him to go higher.”

What a fucking doofus. I guess that Mike “forgot” how to play Circus Atari. The height is determined by how far to the side the guy lands. So you want the guy to land on the very edge of the seesaw thing to get him to go higher.

I used to play this game all the time, by the way. It was great. It seems like Mike also “forgot” that if you press the button, the man will go to the other side of the seesaw.

Then a horntard says exactly this, about how you have to hit the end of the thing, and Mike says, “Oh, you have to hit the end? I forget. I haven’t played this in a while.”

Uh huh. Fuck off. Some kind of video game dementia settling into the Matei household.

24:45 – A horntard asks if they’re using original paddles or some remakes. Erin didn’t even know. She couldn’t answer this. She had to ask Mike.

25:15 –

Mike: Why do I play games other than this?

Erin: That’s how I felt playing Carnival.

Oh…fucking fuck off, you fucking dumb bitch.

“It’s such an abrasive sound.”

Fucking piece of shit moron.

25:30 – So now Erin is playing. “I’m nervous.”

Why? You’re surely a pro at this game. Or did you “forget” how to play it too?

She missed the first fucking jump.

26:00 – “It’s harder than it looks.”

It really isn’t. But Erin certainly makes the game look exceptionally hard.

27:00 – Erin says that she “forgot” to flip the seesaw.

“I can’t play this.”

Well, for once she’s not lying. This is the worst Circus Atari footage ever recorded.

28:15 – She’s showing an “emote” that ShiShi made. It’s an “emote” of Erin that says “FML” and she explains to Mike that this stands for “fuck my life.”

Let’s just move on.

29:15 – They’re playing Fishing Derby. It’s a two-player fishing game. And Erin just stares at the screen and says, “How are you making it go down?” Mike says, “Press down.”

What a fucking moron.

30:30 – “Okay, I think I like Fishing Derby. This is fun.”

Fuck off.

31:30 – “I should do videos on these games that I like.”

Die in a fire.

32:15 – Erin is talking about videos that she made on Atari games. She gives He-Man as an example. Mike says “That was Intellivision.”

Erin “forgot” that it was on Intellivision.

33:30 – Erin says that she’s never been fishing. God fucking damn it. You name it and she’s never done it.

Fishing was a popular pastime when I was a kid. And I didn’t live in Mayberry. I lived in a city. Not a big city. It was like a suburban area. It was a dump. But kids would go fishing in these shitty lakes nearby. Lakes that were grossly polluted and the dumping grounds for murders. I’d go ocassionally with a friend and you’d see drunk complete scumbag adults fishing as well with their shirts off.

You’d be completely insane to eat anything out of these lakes.

Some people also had parents who owned boats. So they’d go fishing with their fathers on the boat. On nicer lakes.

We’d sometimes go on vacation to some cabins out in the woods. There would be a lake there and I’d go fishing with my father on a little boat. I could never remove the fish from the hook. My father would have to do that. Even now I couldn’t do it so I appreciate the disgusting nature of fishing but it’s something that I think most people have done. I know that Erin is from fabulous Los Angeles but…what has she done? Nothing.

There was another vacation where we went to a carp farm. And you were able to fish in this carp farm. It was just a pool with a bunch of carp in it. And you’d very quickly catch a fish and the woman who worked there would take the carp, remove it from the hook, and beat it over the head with a club until it stopped moving.

It wasn’t a traumatic event but looking back, why wasn’t it? What the fuck was that place? Why did a carp farm even have fishing? This isn’t what carp farming is. And why would anybody want to catch their own fish this way? This isn’t sporting. It’s just a pool of hungry fish. You catch a fish within minutes.

And what did we even do with the fish? I don’t know. I don’t fucking eat fish. I never have. Maybe the rest of the family ate them. I don’t know. But that’s fucked up. Some woman just beating fish to death. I know that that’s the job of a carp farmer (I guess) but why bring tourists into this? Are abattoirs popular tourist destinations?

Back to Miss Plays.

Erin writes down Fishing Derby. She wants to make a Youtube video on this. Great! What a gamer!

35:00 – They’re playing Real Sports Volleyball. Mike won the first game 15-0. Unbelievable.

41:00 – The second game was more competitive. Mike won 20-19. I don’t even think he particularly was trying to throw the game. He seemed determined to win. Kind of sad that he felt the need to curb stomp Erin in Real Sports Volleball.

At some point around the 46 minute mark they started talking about a Mr Rogers episode that they recently watched and found disturbing. Why are they watching Mr Rogers’ Neighborhood? How fucking creepy is that? Two middle aged people watching a show for pre-schoolers.

50:15 – Mike asks Erin if she ever ate “ice cream cone cereal”. She says, “No, I wasn’t alive for that.” Mike says, “See, I’m old so I ate that.”

What the hell is he talking about? Ice cream cone cereal? Let me look this up.

https://www.mrbreakfast.com/cereal_detail.asp?id=207

Introduced in 1987. Well, the year checks out but no, I’ve never seen this. Never heard of it.

Here’s a cereal story for you. For the past two weeks, I’ve been eating a bowl of Fruit & Fibre every day. On the box, it says “fuels a healthy gut” and there’s a picture of intestines or something. I’m not even making this up. It’s disgusting. Why would they put that on that box of cereal?

By the way, in the UK there are a lot of references to “gut” and they’re talking about poop. Like there was a yogurt commercial that always played and it was the same thing about having a healthy “gut”. I don’t think that they use this term in the US in this sense and certainly not in relation to marketing food. It’s fucking gross. The marketing geniuses in the US have more sense than this.

But gross or not, it’s accurate. My stool is straight up liquid now. Whether this is healthy or not, I’m not actually sure but I can confirm that the fiber or “fibre” is certainly doing something in my “gut”.

Fucking scumbag marketers. Worry about your own poop. Don’t put that on the fucking box as a selling point.

Anyway, I’m stopping at 51:15. A horntard suggested that Erin make a video of Atari games based on cartoons or comics. So they’re about to play Smurfs. It’s Mike’s suggestion, of course. Erin has no idea what the games on Atari are.

Two glorious hours of Erin and Mike playing Atari 2600 games. What could be sweeter?

0:00 – “I wanted to start with Firefighter, which is what Mike’s playing right now.”

She’s a big Firefighter fan, guys.

Now, I had an Atari 2600 from as long ago as I can remember. It was bought for an older sibling, possibly before I was born. Over the years we amassed 50 games? Something like this. I also played Atari at friendss houses and they had similar collections.

Then many years later, when I got into emulation, I played a lot of Atari games. Just checking them out.

Over the years, I’ve watched a lot of Youtube videos about video games. I’ve seen people playing Atari 2600 games.

NOT ONCE have I heard of Firefighter. But Erin is all about it. This is what she wanted to start the stream with. Mike said, “Hey, Erin, what game do you want to start with?” and Erin immediately said, “Firefighter, of course. It’s a classic.”

She starts the stream with a fucking lie. This is all that she knows how to do.

Then Erin gives some painfully awkward and unfunny sexual innuendo about the game, which is all the more outrageous because they obviously planned this beforehand. Couldn’t she work on her material a bit harder?

1:00 – Erin is reading from the chat. She says, “This reminds me of the Spider-Man one?”

She has NO IDEA what that guy was talking about. NONE. So Mike has to quickly explain it to her. “Because of the building.” She doesn’t know, of course, because she doesn’t know what the Spider-Man 2600 game looks like. So she just cluelessly says “Oh yeah”, pretending that she understands. And BADLY pretending because anyone who knows of the Spider-Man game would IMMEDIATELY see the similarity. They wouldn’t need it spelled out.

Then she laughs nervously, no doubt thinking, “We just fucking started the stream and already I’ve given that Gamer Girls guy something to call me out on.”

1:15 – “So yeah. This is Firefighter. I don’t know what else to say about it.”

Well, talk us through the game. What’s the objective? Is there a scoring system or what? Because I’m only seeing a timer that’s counting down. Any tips?

She doesn’t know anything about the game. That’s why she has nothing to say about it. And yet, she wants us to believe that this is the game that she wanted to start the stream with. This game that she knows NOTHING about.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have started off with this. This isn’t really a way to start off the stream. But it’s fun!”

So tell us about it, Erin. Tell us what makes it so fun. She’s obviously playing Firefighter ALL DAY in her spare time. This is Erin’s game. Tell us all that you know about it.

“I like it. I like Firefighter.”

Well, okay. Enough of the generalities. Can you get into the specifics now? What do you like about it?

She’s got nothing.

So then Mike just hands her the controller. By the way, they’re using a Genesis controller because Mike is a fucking moron. This is how he plays Atari 2600 games.

I remember when I discovered that you can use a Genesis controller on the Atari. I said, “Hey, that’s cool.” Then I went back to my Atari controller.

If you don’t want to use those shitty official Atari controllers, I can see that. But I used the Power Stick. It’s a little controller with a button on each side. Best 2600 contoller ever made. It can be yours for $25 on Ebay. Surely, Mike knows about this. He’s all about the 2600. Plays it on his Genesis controller.

So anyway, Erin is playing the game AND SHE CAN’T EVEN MOVE.

Give me a fucking break. She never played this before. Show me the stream. She doesn’t even know the controls enough TO BE ABLE TO MOVE.

Then after she masters moving, she just stands in one spot and keeps spraying the windows even though the fire is gone. And there’s a raging inferno going on in the other windows. And Mike tells her to move on but she doesn’t because she’s an idiot and she’s never fucking played the game before. She has no idea what she’s doing.

2:15 – Then after A LOT of trial and error, and Mike telling her the basic controls of the game, Erin manages to get the ladder working and saves a character in the game. She says, “Yay! I saved him! I like how he runs around like this!” and then she waves her arms. It’s cute, right? It’s cute how Erin is a giant fucking fraud who’s conning retards out of pennies instead of working an honest job.

2:45 – “I’m getting the hang of the controls. I keep pressing the wrong thing.”

She’s never played this before. It’s blindingly obvious. And yet, she persists with the lie. Why? Who gives a shit if Erin played Firefighter before? NOBODY. But for whatever bizarre reason, she wants you to believe that she loves this game. And yet you watch the video and it’s clear that she knows NOTHING about it.

4:15 – Somebody in the chat says “No score?” and Erin says, “I guess not.”

You’re telling me that she didn’t know this? This is the first thing that I fucking noticed. Erin claims to LOVE the game. THIS is the game that SHE chose to start the stream with. She’s clearly indicating, in her words but not her actions, that she’s something of an expert at Firefighter. And yet, inexplicably, the fact that there’s no score in this game somehow passed her by.

Fucking bullshit, pointless, idiotic, ridiculously transparent lies from this unemployed fraud who’s using Mike for free room and board because she’s too god damned lazy to work a real job and just wants to be a sugarbaby to a man-baby.

“So you just try to do it in a short amount of time?”

WE DON’T KNOW! You tell us, Erin. You’re the fucking expert. I’ve never seen the game before. But you imply that this is one of your favourites. THIS is the game that you wanted to start the stream with.

4:45 – So Mike starts changing the…whatever….settings or whatever they’re called. There are different settings in Atari games, of course. You don’t really know what they are without having the manual in front of you. He changes it to 3 and the building is shorter and the timer is counting up (I think it was counting down before) and he says “I don’t know. Maybe this game is just really easy.” Erin says, “Maybe. Do you want to move on to something else.”

Why doesn’t Erin know if the game is easy or not?

Let me be clear in case my previous sarcastic comments left some room for ambiguity.

Erin has never played this game. Not once. Ever. She’s never even seen the game before.

Nevertheless, Erin started the stream by telling us that this is the game that she wanted to start the stream with. She then suggested that she “forgot” the controls. She also “forgot” how to work the ladder. She “forgot” that the game looks like the Spider-Man 2600 game. She “forgot” how to spray the fire. She “forgot” the goal of the game. She “forgot” what the different settings do. And she “forgot” whether the game is easy or not. She also was surprised at the “cute” animation of the guy on fire. She “forgot” about that one too.

This could have all been avoided if she just started the stream with, “You know what, guys? There are like 500 games for the Atari 2600 and I haven’t played all of them. Firefighter is one of these games that I haven’t played. But I’m going to check it out now.”

Done. Who cares? But because she started with that lie about how much she enjoys Firefighter, she had to keep the lie going. Even when it quickly became absurd. She’s didn’t “remember” ANYTHING about the game because she was lying when she suggested that she played the game. It was a total lie.

There’s another two hours of this.

5:00 – “So what’s next, Mike? What do you want to do next?”

You tell us, Erin. You’re such an Atari expert. And it’s your stream. What do you want to play? Just tell us. It’s no big deal. There’s no wrong answer here. Well, I suppose there are wrong answers if you can’t think of any games, as Erin can’t.

But yeah, Mike recently streamed Atari games. And Erin is using the exact same emulator that Mike used. Or whatever that device is…not Raspberry Pi but something else.

So then Mike just chooses a “comedy” homebrew game and Erin cluelessly agrees. No. We’re here for Atari games. Let’s see some classics. And some “hidden gems”.

By the way, this shitty homebrew game is playing a terrible version of Für Elise by Beethoven. You’re all big Ludwig van Beethoven fans, right? It was also in this McDonald’s commercial.

Mike didn’t remember that commercial? This was his era. 1984 or thereabouts.

6:30 –

Mike: I think that was PAL or a prototype or something.

Erin: I think it was a homebrew.

You know that you fucked up bad when even Erin corrects you. How the fuck did he think that that game was anything legitimate? It was obviously a homebrew.

Erin says, “Obviously. It’s called Acid Trip and it’s like really jumpy.”

It’s true. It’s RIDICULOUSLY obvious that that was a homebrew. Did Mike suddenly lose his mind?

8:00 – They’re playing some game that at least this time Erin is admitting she hasn’t seen before. “I like the little chompy chomp.”

Fuck off.

8:30 – Erin says, “So it’s Pac-Man”.

Oh. So you finally figured it out, Erin? Good job.

9:00 – They’re on a different level and Erin says that it looks like the He-Man game. You guys all know the He-Man game, right? No. Of course not. It wasn’t remotely popular. But Erin does because she played the game for a Youtube video. These are the only kind of references she can make.

11:15 – A horntard asks Erin when she thinks there’s going to be a second video game crash.

Oh my fucking god. Why does she even read these questions that she OBVIOUSLY is not equipped to answers. She’s just going to say “I don’t know”. I know it. Let’s find out.

“Never…because everything is spread out now on various platforms. It’s just like on different things. So I don’t think that will happen again.”

Well, she didn’t say “I don’t know at least.” Instead, she just gave a totally nonsensical answer.

15:00 – They’re playing some game called Carnival, I guess, and Erin is once again pretending that she knows the game while demonstrating a complete lack of knowledge about the game. I can’t give every example of this. I think that I’ve covered this already with Firefighter. She’s a comulsive liar. And a BAD compulsive liar.

16:45 – Mike is explaining a fundamental aspect of the game that anybody who played the game would know about. Erin says, “Oh, there’s so much going on. I forgot about that.”

Go fuck yourself.

17:00 – Then Mike starts explaining the game to her. Why? She just got through talking about much she has played the game. She knows about the game, Mike. Obviously. Just listen to what she’s saying. Ignore the fact that she can’t actually play the game and clearly knows nothing about it. Just listen to her words. She’s clear in her conviction that she’s played this before. She merely “forgot” everything about it.

Erin keeps referring to a “ferris wheel” in the game and that’s what Mike calls it too. No, you fucking idiots. They’re rotating pipes or something. Like smoker’s pipes. It’s some thing you’d see in olde tyme shooting galleries. Let me look this up.

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/306596687107889981/

Yeah, I was right. The guy there describes them as “clay pipes”.

18:45 – Erin says, “Remember when I played this on a cocktail?”

Eugh. I can’t.

19:15 – “This is probably one of my favourite Atari games even though I always forget all the mechanics because there’s so much going on.”

Unbelievable. One of her favourite Atari games. But Mike had to explain to her that she has to hit some bonus area that she NEVER shot before he told her. He also had to explain to her to shoot the 8’s to refill your time. He had to explain to her WHERE the timer is. She didn’t know ANY of this.

One of her favourite games. She just “forgot” EVERYTHING about it.

19:45 – Then, when the horntards tell Mike to get Erin an arcade machine, Erin says that she wants an arcade game that has Mario and Castlevania on it. You know…because she’s just such a big Mario and Castlevania fan. She’s all about Mario and Castlevania. Get your wallet out, Mike. Spend thousands of dollars on this thing so that this unemployed parasite can play the game once, on stream, for money, and then never again.

I’m going to stop at 22:15. They’re moving on to Circus Atari. Erin is pretending that she knows the game again. She says, “It’s kind of fun. You have to get the bouncy people.”

That’s not AT ALL what the game is about. It’s a Breakout clone. Or as Erin retardedly calls it, “Break Away”.

Maybe I’ll resume this video, maybe I won’t. There’s always so much to talk about with these Erin and Mike streams but it’s just me pointing out her constant lies. How many times can I say it?