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My first time playing Metroid: Zero Mission on GBA – Erin Plays
0:00 – I’ve never played this before!
Why not? Why not play the game for a few hours or days before doing the stream? Why does Erin flat out refuse to EVER play a game in her spare time like a normal person?
Because she fucking hates this shit. She’s only doing this for the money. But what money? She’s not making money from this. There was a leak of what Twitch was paying everybody. It showed exactly how much Erin was making. Let me look this up.
In 2020, Erin made $6,900 from Twitch. That’s for everything. Ads, subscribers, people just straight up giving her money, everything. $6,900 in 2020. Is she making more money now? I doubt it.
Let’s say that she’s making half that amount from Youtube. Especially now that she barely uploads. She’s not even making $10,000/year.
What’s the point of any of this? Is working really that bad? I get it. I hate working too. And if I was working in a record store or retail or something, it would be absolutely awful. But just find another job. Something halfway decent. It’s not that bad. There’s plenty of work out there.
First of all, I don’t think that anybody does that. I don’t actually read the chat. Maybe they do.
Secondly, how is this any different from any other game that she plays? She’s awful at all of them.
Thirdly, if you don’t want the abuse over your bad gameplay, get good. Or at least get competent. Play the fucking game in your spare time.
“Metroid has always kind of intimidated me.”
Oh, do tell.
For what it’s worth, I’ve never played a Metroid game either. I have no interest in that shit. I have no interest in console games. Especially not from fucking 30 years ago. That’s perfectly acceptable.
Erin refuses to admit that she’s not interested in video games. Any video games. She continues to promote this ridiculous facade that she’s a real gamer. She’s not interested in Metroid or ANY video game: past, present, or future. That’s fine too. I don’t give a shit. But why can’t she just admit it? Why this ridiculous story about how she’s gone her whole life avoiding Metroid because she was intimidated by it?
0:15 – “The first one I ever tried to play was on Super Nintendo.”
Yes. And it was on stream, for money. Briefly. During a “variety stream”. But, as usual, she leaves that part out. She gives the impression that she played the game as a kid. No. That’s not what’s happening here. She played the game within the past few years, briefly, on stream, during a “variety stream.” That’s what she’s talking about. That’s not the way that anyone would understand that response to mean, but that’s what it means. Erin is intentionally obfuscating the truth. This is what she does.
“I just didn’t know what I was doing and it freaked me out a little.”
Because she played it literally for less than five minutes. That’s what she’s talking about here. The time that she played the game briefly, on stream, for money.
If you played a game in your spare time, you’d have plenty of time to figure things out. There’s no need to get freaked out. Just play the game. It’s not hard.
“This is basically my first time playing a Metroid game, so if that is going to trigger you that I’m not being an expert, then I suggest you don’t watch it.”
Nobody expects expert gameplay from Erin. They’re just there to jerk off.
But it’s not the lack of lack of expertise that bothers me. It’s the constant, unending lies from Erin. Just admit that you don’t play the fucking games. It’s not even a matter up for debate. There’s a mountain of evidence that all clearly shows that Erin does not and never has played video games in her spare time. This is all just for Twitch. Fine. Just admit it. She flat out refuses. She continues this absurd lie about how she’s all about video games and has been since she was a kid.
“Because I have a feeling that some people might get upset that I’m not Ms Pro Gamer…when it comes to Metroid.”
Or any game. We all know it, Erin. That’s not the problem. The problem is the constant mendacity.
1:30 – A horntard mentions her sweater. Then Erin shows off her “Sanrio shirt.”
Erin is all about Sanrio. She’s a big Sanrio fan.
She doesn’t know anything about this shit either. Everything is a lie. She has all of these fake interests and when you probe even a tiny bit, it instantly becomes obvious that she knows nothing about these things. Sailor Moon, Star Trek, The Price is Right, McDonalds Land characters, Britney Spears, on and on and on…these fake interests and then she’s immediately exposed as a fraud who knows nothing about these things.
For example, she claimed to be a big Match Game fan a while ago. So then she started thinking about her favourite celebrity panelists on the show. “Brett…is it Brett…Somers? She makes me a little nervous but I like her. I like them all.”
Didn’t even know her name. She didn’t know the name of perenial Match Game star Brett Somers. She appeared in hundreds of episodes. For years. Somehow, this information passed Erin by. How is it possible? Erin is a big fan of the show.
Well, that’s just Brett Somers. She must know the host, right?
Sure. Old Ray Born.
“And I really like the host…(long pause)…Ray Born…Ray Burn?”
Gene Rayburn. Host of the show from 1962 to 1969 and then the reboot from 1973 to 1982 and then the third short-lived reboot in 1983.
Gene Rayburn. Appeared in every fucking episode of The Match Game for nearly twenty years. Erin doesn’t know his name. She really likes him. She loves the show.
She does this constantly. Her entire life is a lie. And a BAD lie. If she was a good liar, that would be one thing. But her lies fall apart instantly. And the lies are totally POINTLESS. Who gives a shit if Erin likes The Match Game or not? Why would she lie about that? But she does. She lies about absolutely everything because she does not have even one genuine interest. She’s like some fucking pod person trying to replicate how a human behaves.
So she’s talking about her “Sanrio” shirt. Do people even say that? Would they not just say “Hello Kitty”? I’m not some “Sanrio” or Hello Kitty expert so I don’t know the parlance. Maybe, by sheer luck, Erin is right. But she says that the shirt is “really cute”. Oh, that’s fascinating. Thank you for that insight, Erin. We really needed to know if the shirt was cute or not. We couldn’t just use our own judgement and reach our own conclusion on whether or not the shirt is cute. We need to be told that it’s cute.
4:15 – “Press-er-veer-ence” for “perseverance”. What a dope.
5:00 – “What’s cool is you can do ‘easy’ or ‘normal’.”
I paused the video right here. Place your bets on which one Erin is going to choose. I’m going all in on “easy”.
“I’m going to do easy.”
If Vegas ever starts taking bets on Erin, I’m going to be able to retire.
“…Because…like I said, this is my first time playing it. I’m not trying to prove anything.”
But she ALWAYS picks the easy mode. This isn’t an exception. Although, I guess with most every game she plays, it’s also the first time that she played the game. Except if she’s playing Castlevania or something that she’s played on stream before.
5:45 – She’s reading from the chat. “Did I go backstage at the Taylor Swift concert? No!”
It’s like she’s insulted by the question. Why would she even…did she want to do some groupie shit with Taylor Swift? Lick her pussy? Assuming that Taylor Swift is into that kind of thing, do you think that she would go with fucking Erin Plays? A middle-aged woman with no job and no interests and no charisma?
6:45 – “I really like how this game looks. It’s like really cool colours, you know?”
Eugh. Riveting commentary as always, Erin.
Then she talks more about this Taylor Swift concert. Mike went there with Erin, presumably. God, that guy has no idea how to be a sugardaddy. Here’s how that conversation should have went:
Erin: Hey…Mike? Want to go to the Taylor Swift concert with me?
Mike: Fuck no. This is not what I’m paying you for. Now put your Power Pad booty shorts on and give me a lap dance.
But instead, he said, “Oh, yes. I’d love to humiliate myself by going to a Taylor Swift concert. Front row seats? Of course, sweetheart.”
9:15 – “Either I’m doing something wrong or I can’t access that yet. I can’t remember.”
How can she not “remember”? She just spent five minutes telling us that she never played the game before.
Because this is what she does. She constantly uses phrases like “I forgot” or “I can’t remember” when describing things that she’s never done before and has no experience with. It’s part of her compulsive lying.
15:00 – Erin is totally lost. I’m done.
- “If you end up liking this game enough after you beat it, you could replay it again on the harder difficulties. Beautiful game.”
That was from the proprietor of Man Baby Gaming. So what does Erin say to the love of her life? “Yeah I might!”. Fascinating stuff, Erin. I understand why Mike keeps paying you to stick around. Your charm and charisma is just overpowering.
- “Erin, you would make the best elementary school teacher. Patient and clear communicator”
Erin replies, “Haha, I don’t know about that. But thank you!”
How dare you suggest that Erin get a job? She’s doing exactly what she wants to do with her life: getting fucked in the ass every night for $10,000/year.
- “Avgn channel is better”
Well, you’re almost certainly right, Svort Tsirhc. But are they even in direct competition? Both James Rolfe and Erin Plays pretend to be interested in retro video games but the similiarities between the channels pretty much end there.
Maybe Erin should start doing some scripted stuff. Her non-scripted stuff is god awful, of course. Mike could write some AVGN-style reviews and skits and whatnot and Erin could read them out. I’m sure that her channel would skyrocket as a result.
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WTF Wednesday Review : Bubba Ho-Tep – Newt Wallen
The description is, “65 year old Elvis and JFK’s brain in the body of an elderly black man must save their nursing home from a Mummy in cowboy boots.” None of this interests me even a tiny bit. So let’s check it out.
0:00 – “We’re in the new spot. No more kitchen. We are filming in the living room in my new apartment.”
I don’t know why people gave Newt shit for making the videos in his kitchen. Or why Newt found this so offensive.
The venue is totally irrelevant. Tony from Hack the Movies takes pride in his video store set but…why? If the set looks great, but the content sucks dick, the videos are going to be bad. Conversely, if the set is shit but the content is great, the videos are going to be good.
So it’s not the set that these people have to work on, it’s the content. I don’t want to hear Tony summarise a movie while a horse-faced woman talks about hot chicks. I don’t want to hear The Ideas Man talk about tits and gore movies. This is boring. Come on. Give the audience some credit. We’re not all retarded. I want to watch something half-way intelligent.
0:45 – “If you can hear my washer and dryer running, it’s in my kitchen.” He’s washing clothes so that he has a clean shirt for work tomorrow.
Well, here’s an interesting cultural thing that I can mention. Most of the world doesn’t have dryers. And I don’t mean just Haiti or Moldova or Cambodia or whatever. I’m talking about good countries. I don’t think it’s common anywhere in Europe to have clothes dryers.
I’ve never seen one in the UK. The closest I’ve seen is there was one place I was living that had a combination washer/dryer. So the same machine would do both. First, it would wash your clothes, then it would move on the drying cycle.
Otherwise, no dryers. I think dryers are only a thing in the US and possibly Canada. And who needs them? Not me.
It’s not like we’re all walking around wearing wet clothes either. Clothes dry on their own. Just hang them up. You can get one of those folding clothes horse things if you want to get fancy. But I just hang them up where ever. I’ll put a shirt on a hanger and put the hanger on a door knob or something. Or I’ll hang some jeans over a door. Shit like this. It gets done. The clothes are fine. Better than fine. They last longer when you don’t put them in a clothes dryer. Plus, all of the toxic chemicals and whatever that come from clothes dryers. I’m a little hazy on the details. But there’s some environmental impact from using clothes dryers.
So I’m saying that not having a dryer is actually better than having a dryer. The clothes last longer and it’s better for the environment. So I don’t miss dryers. Fuck dryers.
I’m seven minutes in. Newt is still talking about how wacky the movie is. I don’t care.
So what am I going to do here? Let’s look at his Twitter.
Absolutely nothing.
The video is still running. Newt is talking about breasts now. Fascinating, Newt.
You know what the biggest advantage the UK has over the US? Toilets that flush whatever you put in there. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve had toilets break and clog and whatever in the US. Hundreds of times.
In the UK? Zero. Not one time. It’s not that I’m shitting less. The toilets are just better. The plumbing is better.
It may seem like a minor point but it’s huge. When a toilet breaks or doesn’t flush, it’s a fucking nightmare. The water keeps rising, you have to get towels, then your towels are all contaminated with toilet water. Then you have to get a plunger and hope that you can force that excrement into the toilet. It never works the first time. It’s always an ordeal.
In the UK, not a problem. You can eat nothing but burritos, bran cereal, and laxatives and that toilet will flush whatever you put into it. All of it. First time, every time. It’s a huge improvement in your standard of living.
20:30 – Newt is talking about we need more mummy films. He said that he wrote a mummy script. I’m sure it’s awesome. Hippo Mummy or something. But he says that mummies are an underserved monster in cinema.
Ummm…maybe?
Oh, no. He gives the name of his mummy script. It wasn’t Hippo Mummy. That would be stupid. His “movie” is called, “I Saw Mummy Killing Santa Claus”. Hilarious stuff, Newt. And I’m sure the script is just as great as the title. It’s about a mummy Krampus. Yeah. Great. I can’t wait to see that one in the cinema. It’s going to get a global release, surely.
But mummy movies…Newt wants to know my favourite mummy movie. Well, I don’t have one. I don’t watch this shit. I’m an adult. But I’m just thinking broadly if he’s right that there aren’t as many mummy movies as other monsters. Maybe? There are surely more zombie movies. More vampire movies.
Let me look this up.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_mummy_films
Yeah, there aren’t many. And a lot of these look like shit. Comedies, for example. Even in the early days.
Oh, here’s an interesting one. The All New Adventures of Laurel & Hardy in For Love or Mummy. It was released in 1999 and based on the Laurel & Hardy mummy movie. It starred Bronson Pinchot as Stan Laurel.
I never heard of this. And I didn’t even know that Bronson Pinchot was still acting in 1999. He was Cousin Balki from Perfect Strangers, of course. And he also played a gay man in some police movie in the 1980s.
Oh, the whole movie is on Youtube. That’s Bronson Pinchot alright. And you can also learn Arabic while watching this version. Was this released in cinemas?
This was the first of only two non-Ernest P. Worrell films that Cherry, primarily an advertising executive, has ever directed, the other being Pirates of the Plain. Harmon earned writing and directing credits through the ownership of the Laurel and Hardy trademarks, which he had purchased in the 1960s. Another Harmon-owned character, Bozo the Clown, is mentioned in the film.
Interesting. This is the sort of thing that The Ideas Man should be talking about. Obscure cinema. Well, I guess that he does that. But obscure non-tits and gore cinema. INTERESTING obscure cinema.
Ernest from the Ernest Saves/Goes (whatever) movies was originally going to play Stan Laurel but had to decline due to his failing health.
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My Last Shared House
To recap, I’d been living in London for…probably two years? Can it really have only been two years? I crammed a lot in. Maybe three years. And I lived in about five shared properties. Always awful. But I couldn’t afford my own place because I was working sporadically at various low-paying jobs. To get your own place would cost an absolute minimum of about £550/month. And that would be for a shitty studio on the outskirts of the city. For shared properties, I was paying between £200 and £300 a month, usually with bills included. Bills aren’t included when you have your own place, at least in my experience.
So I got this place in Kingsbury in North London. I could swear that I also lived in Queensbury, which is a neighbouring borrough, but I don’t know. Maybe I just worked in Queensbury for some job. Because I’m familiar with the name.
This was a house. There was an Australian guy, another Australian guy and his German wife, a Polish guy, and me. So it wasn’t too bad. Five people in a house. It was a two story house. Compare this to the 20 people who lived in that squalid house owned by the Hasidic Jews.
When I first got there, I was doing data entry in that property management company that I talked about in the previous article. And the single Australian guy mocked me for that. That’s a good way to introduce yourself. He was a teacher, by the way. So was the other Australian guy. The German woman was some kind of exercise instructor. The Polish guy worked in IT.
I was paying £75/week or something. The room was tiny. It only fit a bed and shelves. When I viewed the property, it had really nice shelves but when I actually moved in, those nice shelves were gone and replaced with shelves that were clearly built by the landlord or some other total amateur from bits of scrap wood. There was also a really, really dilapidated wardrobe.
But whatever. I’m just fucking sick of it. I’m sick of having to move all of the time and I’m sick of these shitty shared properties.
I did the data entry job for a few months and then I quit. I wasn’t working for about three months. But I had money because whenever I wasn’t working, I’d go and claim benefits. And this place was actually done properly. I was on the lease. The landlord knew I was there. So when I went to claim benefits, I just gave the documentation and that was that. They paid your rent and they also paid you £72/week or whatever for your day to day expenses. It was fine.
During one of these periods where I wasn’t working, the married Australian guy asked what I’m going to do for work. I said “Nothing. I have money and I’m getting benefits.” He said, “Won’t you get bored, though?” I said, “No.” It’s true. I have no problem not working. I enjoy not working. I can do it all day, every day.
The other Australian guy moved out shortly after I moved in. I think that it was coincidental. And a South African couple moved in. They lived downstairs. The rest of us lived upstairs in what would be bedrooms if this was a being operated as a normal family house, which is what the place was built for. This is what they do in London. They take family houses and convert them into shared properties. So even when I get my own place, it’s just a section of a house. From the outside, it looks like a normal family house but inside, it’s been divided up into four or however many apartments. It’s shit.
I actively avoided everybody. And I know that they were offended. And I understand them being offended. And I wish that I wasn’t like this. But I just hate it. I hate not having privacy. I hate people knowing my business.
I met up with a Chinese woman during this time. She was a few years older than me and had two children. I was becoming increasingly desperate. This was during a period where I wasn’t working and she kind of offered me a job at her home-based import business. She would import shit from China and then sell it. She also had a regular job in an office. And she showed me pictures of her children. Their father was white. That’s typically how these things go. I don’t know. We went out a couple of times, I think, but it’s an embarassing story so whatever. It didn’t work out. I don’t think either of us were particularly interested. It was just mutual desperation.
I was in the property for two years. I went out with loads of women. Usually just once. They were from every country in Asia. Mostly China, though.
Actually, there were a few non-Asian women. I went out with a fat Spanish woman once. I don’t remember anything about it other than her saying, “You’re not enjoying this.” Again, it’s just because I was really bad in social situations.
There was a white English woman. She was very pleasant and we had a nice time but I just wasn’t into her. I saw that she had a baby a few years later. Good for her.
I also went out with a 6’1″ German woman. Same deal, really. And by that point, I was just making a game of seeing how much bullshit I could say to people. So I’d make up ridiculous stories of things that I obviously didn’t do and just try to run with it. Because this was after meeting like 50 women and it never going anywhere. So I just stopped caring and just went on these dates to amuse myself. But yeah, I think that she had a baby a few years after I met her too.
But generally, my dating experiences got a lot better after I stopped caring. Almost nobody wanted to go out on a second date when I was actually desperate and trying to make things happen. But when I stopped caring, virtually everybody wanted to go out again. Unfortunately, I didn’t want to go out with them again. So there’s something to be learned from this. Women can smell desperation and they don’t like it. Also, my social skills got better, the more I went out.
Back to the house, after taking a shower, I would hang my towel up on a hanger. It had clips on it so I would clip the towel onto this hanger and the hanger was on the curtain rod of my window. I would hang it there to dry, of course.
It was summer. And it was hot. So when I’d wake up, I would be a little sweaty and I would wipe my face on this towel.
I do that one day and then I pull back and see a huge spider on the towel. It was the size of my hand. This was like somebody’s pet.
I panicked. I can’t crush it. It’s fucking huge. And I didn’t want to get my flatmates involved because I didn’t talk to any of them. I didn’t want to involve them only when I’m in serious trouble.
So I got my can of bug spray and I sprayed half a fucking can on that thing. It scurried across the curtain rod and then fell behind the dilapidated wardrobe. And there was an audible thud when it hit the ground.
Then I just sat there, on my bed, for like two hours concentrating my focus in the vicinity of that wardrobe, checking for any signs of that spider. I didn’t see it again.
I never went back to look for that spider. I never moved the wardrobe to retrieve the body. Fuck it. I don’t see it, so it’s fine. Let somebody else deal with that.
I’ve got more to say about this place. I was there for two years. But I’ll bring this exciting saga to an end another time.
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Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom – First Impressions – Cinemassacre
0:00 – “I’m always looking for new ways to play games while I’m out on the go.”
Really? How many new ways are there? He’s holding a Switch. Maybe play the Switch? What else is he contemplating? He can use his phone or an older handheld system or one of those Chinese bootleg emulator things. But…he’s ALWAYS looking for new ways to play games while on the go? Why? How many different ways do you need? What exactly is he looking for?
“But the problem comes in when you’re hunched over a small screen like this and you get all that neck pain.”
What? Is this a problem for anyone? I don’t play games when I’m out but I read shit on my phone. It’s never been a problem. I’ve never experienced neck pain even once from doing this. I’ll be sitting on the train reading the news or Reddit or doing German lessons or whatever and…that’s it. The trip is totally uneventful. No neck pain. I just get off at the appropriate stop and go about my day.
Am I weird? Are people are getting neck pain from looking at their phone or handheld video game device? I see the people. They’re all on their phones. Nobody appears to have neck pain from this. What the fuck is Jimmy talking about?
“But Viture has created the ultimate solution!”
The solution to what? The solution to a problem that doesn’t exist.
They’re glasses. Really embarassing glasses. Glasses with thick, pitch black lens. This is your solution to neck pain? Maybe you won’t get neck pain from this but you’d look like a fucking lunatic. Who would wear this in public?
These things are $600, by the way. This is the solution to solving your neck pain problems when playing handheld video games. A $600 pair of virtual reality glasses that make you look like a fucking lunatic.
So that was a 90 second commercial. James was really excited for it. He’s always really excited for the ads and then when the video starts, we get Bored As Fuck James.
Legend of Zelda. Jimmy is all about Legend of Zelda. I really want to know what James Rolfe, somebody who hasn’t played a video game for fun since he was in college has to say about the latest Zelda game.
He’s wearing this fucking hat that’s too small for his head. This is straight up retard shit.
2:00 – Eugh. He was playing this game with his children. It’s fine, I guess, but does he ever play a game without his children? He says that the gameplay footage for this video is a combination of him playing the game and his children playing the game. Eugh. Fuck off. THIS IS YOUR JOB, JAMES. DO A COMPETENT JOB OF IT. DON’T HAND THE WORK OFF TO YOUR CHILDREN.
4:45 – “So check this out. This was the little one. This is the five year old putting together this nice little boat here which she’s very proud of. There you go. Look at that.”
This is so much dogshit.
Then he continues to show footage and says that it’s either “the little one” playing or him. And it goes into such fucking boring detail about who’s playing and who’s proud of who and…come on. Is he out of his fucking mind?
Jimmy…I’m sure that you’re proud of your children. I’m sure that you think that your children are the smartest and the best at video games and whatever. But we don’t want to hear it. NOBODY wants to hear it.
It’s not just fucking retard James Rolfe who does this, of course. This is a common problem with parents. They think that other people want to hear about how great their children are. No. We don’t. I mean, no discourtesy but I don’t know your children and I don’t give a shit about your children.
MAYBE talk about that shit with other parents. Not that other parents give a shit about your children either. But at least if you’re talking about your children to other parents, it’s an excuse for the other person to talk about their children. And you can both talk about each other’s children, with neither party giving a shit about what the other person is saying.
But on a Youtube video? In a video that’s supposed to be about VIDEO GAMES? Where a large percentage of the audience are childless men? No. That is not the place to talk about your children. What the fuck is he thinking?
6:00 – “There’s lots of trees to chop down. Oh, look. That log left behind a little stick. That log had a child.”
What the fuck is this? Is he capable of doing ANYTHING without mentioning his children? Is this just who he is now? When you have children, you lose your entire identity?
I’m ending this. The video just seems like it’s going to be James and his children failing at the game. Why on earth would I want to watch this? This is fucking horrendous.
Let’s see what those childless weirdos on Reddit had to say about this.
- “Its just “muh kids” for 15 minutes. If this is all unscripted James has to talk about it, I refuse.”
And a lot of the other comments recognise that he’s just talking about his children throughout the video but…they like that. It’s “wholesome.”
No. It’s extremely lazy content from somebody who’s been lobotomised after having children. And Mr Seven and a Half Years in Special Education didn’t have much to work with even before having children.
You get this all the time. Many parents, mostly women but some men, will talk about their children. Always positively. Everybody has the smartest children in the world. I’ve heard this same story from fairly intelligent parents as well as from complete idiot parents. The full range of humanity. They all have the world’s smartest children.
That’s great. I’m happy to hear that the next generation of humanity is going to be completely devoid of dimwits. But can we talk about something else now? Something that isn’t going to bore me to fucking tears?
The man is making a Youtube video. It’s supposed to be entertaining. Why is nobody telling him that his children, while I’m sure very important to James Rolfe and Mrs Nerd, are not interesting to anyone else on earth? What is the purpose of having Screenwave there if they can’t warn James that this sort of content is dogshit?
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Erin is Absolutely Killing it on TikTok
This video got over half a million views. What the fuck? That’s TWICE as many as her Power Pad video. Finally some good news for old ErinPlays87. Her years of…well, I can’t say “hard work”. But her years of existing have finally paid off! She probably made about twenty bucks off of this video. Good for her. Some of that folding money.
The video is just a one minute clip of Erin going through an old Sears catalogue and talking about video games that she sees in the catalogue but never owned. It’s the same sort of video that she makes on Twitch when her “carpal tunnel syndrome” gets to be too much but…only a minute of it.
This must be what the hip young people on TikTok want to watch these days. Fuck sexy dance videos. That trend is over. The new trend is watching videos from a woman old enough to be your mother, lazily going through an old Sears catalogue, and pointing out what’s in the catalogue in the most boring, monotone fashion possible. Maybe these kids are watching this shit ironically. I don’t know.
So that video was posted in December 2021. Around Christmas time. But Erin knew that she was on to something. Half a million views. Doesn’t take a genius to figure this one out. She wanted to capitalise on her success. So two days later, she made ANOTHER video where she looked at a Sears catalogue.
Same format. A middle-aged, unemployed woman going through an old catalogue and pointing out games that she never had, saying that things are cute, and reading the prices. And this video is nearly FIVE minutes. So you’re getting five times the content as the previous video.
Only 17,000 views on this one. What happened? The fickle young people of TikTok moved on, I guess. Listening to some senile old woman thumbing through a Sears catalogue from 30 years ago just isn’t a draw any more. They’ve moved on to prank videos or something.
But Erin isn’t one to give up. So three days later, she came back strong with a video about a JC Penney catalogue. Changing the formula. Keeping it fresh. It can’t be Sears every time.
Three thousand views. Party’s over, Erin. People watched that second Sears video and said, “What the fuck were we thinking watching this trash?” and then blocked Erin’s channel from their recommended video feed. Or however it works on TikTok.
What must have happened is that her first video got promoted for whatever baffling reason. And then she tried to milk it but no. The videos are complete dogshit. You can’t go through an old catalogue, talk about games that you have no clue about, and just read the fucking titles and prices out. That’s fucking stupid. People don’t want to watch that shit.
So her next video, published a few days after the previous one, uses some kind of excited AI woman’s voice as the narrator. Because Erin’s own monotone voice is fucking poison for views. And it has this loud, upbeat, public domain music throughout.
But here’s the problem: IT’S STILL BORING AS FUCK! All she does is show some random footage of a toy store. Who gives a shit? This is 2023 and I’m an adult. I don’t need to see footage from some fake Toys R Us that’s being recreated in Macys. Is this even her footage? I doubt it. When was she in New York? The only place she ever goes is Los Angeles to visit her parents and go to Disneyland. Twice a month.
Here’s where the wheels completely fall off the Erin Plays gravy train. She’s looking at a Seventeen magazine from 2001 with Britney Spears on the cover. It’s too long at two minutes. It’s just Erin reading the fucking headlines of these articles. IT’S AWFUL. Why does she continue with this? She has NO personality, NO talent, NO charisma, NO life experience, and for that matter NO knowledge of music. What has she ever said that demonstrated knowledge about music? She knows trivia about the lives of Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake and shit like this, but not the music.
One thousand views. What a crash. From half a million to one thousand all within the span of two weeks. People saw that first video, because it was being promoted by TikTok, and then said, “I never want to listen to this boring woman ever again. She has absolutely nothing to say.” That’s clearly what happened.
Nintendo Power. Another complete dogshit video. Same old shit over and over again.
Here’s she’s pretending to be interested in the Vectrex. I’m almost positive that it’s just re-using footage from her Youtube videos. Dogshit.
Hello Kitty. Again, it’s just recycled footage from her Youtube videos from YEARS ago. She’s wearing her “iconic” Hamburglar top. Dogshit.
More of the same. This time it’s about the Casio Loopy. Same fucking top. It’s footage from the same Youtube video. I think that there’s a video where she shows some different consoles that Mike bought for her.
This one got 24,000 views. So something of an improvement over the last several videos. A complete fluke, though.
Then she’s right back to 1,000 views with this fucking piece of shit. All it is is a one minute video of Erin WAY too close to the camera and then footage of this complete non-event. Footage which is the intellectual property of Viacom or whoever owns MTv.
Do you want to watch two minutes of a box for a children’s toy? No. Nobody does. Five hundred views.
Thirty-eight seconds of an In-N-Out. Not the original In-N-Out because she couldn’t get into that one. So she just went to ANY In-N-Out. She went to the one that was open. Literally that’s what she says. Then she shows a PICTURE that that she got from Wikipedia or something, of the original store, and she says that the store is cute. That’s how the video ends.
WHO WANTS TO WATCH THIS? SHE THINKS THAT THERE’S A MARKET FOR THIS? A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN WITH NO CHARISMA, TALKING ABOUT NOTHING? FUCK OFF!
She’s using the AI voice again with the upbeat public domain music and she’s showing the most boring fucking VHS boxes you can possibly imagine. It’s some mainstream children’s cartoons and Spice Girls shit. Why would anybody POSSIBLY want to watch this?
And finally, Erin’s most recent TikTok video, the AI voice and public domain music while Erin shows some t-shirts that she owns. It’s the same shit. They’re almost all Jimmy Eats World and The Strokes shirts. Is even one person on earth even remotely interested in this? Including Erin.
So that’s what Erin has been doing for the past five months. That’s why she’s not been on Youtube. She’s been trying to make it big on TikTok. She had one video go viral, as a total fluke, and that encouraged her delusions that she was going to be the next big TikTok star.
No. Nobody wants to watch these boring as fuck videos. Put your fucking booty shorts from the Power Pad video back on and start making some “sexy” dance videos. That’s what people want to watch on TikTok. Not a middle aged, unemployed woman, with no charisma talking about nothing. It’s fucking ridiculous. How can she not know this? How delusional can she possibly be?
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ASMR Saria prepares Link to leave Kokiri Forest (Ocarina of Time) – PixelWeaver
Let me start off by saying that this person, allegedly, has a degree in psychology or psychiatry. She is/was looking for work as a psychologist/psychiatrist.
I wonder why I stopped hearing about that job search. I remember her classmates telling an administrator that she was on OnlyFans. I remember PixelWeaver (as she likes to be called now, although that will change any day now) saying that she was moving from Washington state to…Boston or something to look for professional work. And then that’s the last I heard about this job search. This was years ago. Before covid. What happened? Do you mean to tell me that this complete lunatic, who had the second worst OnlyFans in the universe (second only to Destiny Fomo’s OnlyFans) couldn’t find a job in a professional field? That’s shocking.
So here she is dressed as an elf and doing “ASMR”. Is this even a thing any more? Do people still watch this shit?
I don’t know who the character is, by the way. I’ve never played a Zelda game.
0:00 – SPEAK UP, YOU FAT BITCH! I CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING!
Now I have to crank this up.
“Oh. You’re leaving. (smacks lips). I knew you’d leave the forrest some day.”
What the fuck is this? It’s disgusting. I want to hear this mastodon smacking her lips. And she’s referencing the game, I guess, but who’s POSSIBLY jerking off to this?
In the thumbnail, her fat tits are shown but not in the actual video. So I’m just supposed to jerk off to her fat face?
There’s some greenscreen shit in the background, by the way. It’s like a video game thing…a fairie is flying around or something.
Oh my god. I’m not even 30 seconds in. This is the cringiest thing in the history of cringe. And it goes on for FORTY MINUTES.
Come on. Is anybody expected to actually watch this? It’s insane. It’s an insane video by an insane woman.
0:30 – “I want you to have this ocarina.”
And then she starts tapping…this plastic instrument. Even calling it an “instrument” is too far. It’s a child’s toy.
What the fuck. Is anybody watching this? It got 1,000 views after a month. She completely humiliated herself for 1,000 views.
Haha. I’m reading the comments. She “hearted” every single comment, no matter how stupid, except for this one: “u should do try ons, bikinis, lingeries”
Why didn’t that one get a heart? This video is CLEARLY intended to arouse horny retards. Is a try on haul any worse? I want to see this fat lunatic squeezing into some retro lingerie. A corset. Stocking. I don’t know. Those pointy bras from the 1950s.
Back to the video. I’m not even a minute in. This is fucking torture.
I’ve skimmed through the video, by the way. She never moves the camera. So this is what you’re going to see for the next 40 minutes. She never gets her fat tits in frame, like she did in the thumbnail.
She keeps teasing that she’s going to play a song but she doesn’t. I don’t think so, anyway. I’m skimming through the video. All she does is tap her fingernails on this toy and explain that if you hold different holes, it will make a different sound. And she shows where you blow into this toy. But she never blows shit. She’s just tapping her fucking fingernails on this plastic children’s toy.
I’ve skimmed to 10 minutes and she’s still just tapping her fingernails on this children’s toy. She says, “Do you remember my song?” NO! YOU DIDN’T PLAY ANYTHING!
Is her song tapping her fingernails on this children’s toy? That’s not much of a song.
10:15 – So that was that. That was her song. Tapping her fingernails on a plastic children’s toy. And I assure you that at NO POINT did she play a song. Not one fucking note. But then she took out some plastic gems. More children’s toys. And she’s tapping her fingernails on these plastic gems while talking about what you can buy with these gems.
THIS IS AWFUL. This isn’t ASMR. Is ASMR just some fat lunatic tapping her fingernails on various objects? I don’t think so.
15:00 – Now she’s tapping her fingernails on a green gem. Does it make a different sound than tapping her fingernails on the red gem? NO! OF COURSE NOT! What the fuck is this? Why did she think that this was a good idea?
19:15 – So after she tapped her fingernails on two children’s toys in the shape of gems, she now brings a bag out. It’s a children’s toy. Made of felt or something. And she rubs the felt. Well, at least it makes a change from tapping her fingernails on plastic.
Oh god. This isn’t even something you want to listen to. Not that tapping fingernails on plastic was aurally appealing either. But somebody rubbing felt? No. Felt is cheap shit. It doesn’t feel good when you rub felt. It doesn’t sound good. This is shit.
21:00 – So then she reaches inside of the bag, and made a sexually suggestive remark while doing it, and shows a…toy nut? Is that what this is? And then she taps her fingernails on this plastic, toy nut.
Come on. People are expected to watch this? People are expected to enjoy this? I think that we’re expected to jack off to this. It’s so far beyond what any reasonable, rational person would do.
23:30 – Then she takes two of these toy, plastic nuts (or whatever they are) and says, “They sound so good together. Let’s listen to them” and smacks them together. You know what it sounds like? Two plastic children’s toys knocking against each other. Is that a sound that you want to listen to? Are people jerking off to plastic being banged against plastic? It’s…NOBODY IS JERKING OFF TO THIS. NOBODY! I DON’T CARE HOW RETARDED YOU ARE. I DON’T CARE WHAT KIND OF BIZARRE FETISH YOU HAVE. NOBODY IS JERKING OFF TO THIS. NOT ONE PERSON.
But inexplicably, SupaCrazyWoman thinks that they are. She thinks that people are jerking off to a CLEARLY mentally ill, 40 year old unemployed woman, who’s overweight, wearing a children’s Halloween costume, and banging plastic children’s toys against each other.
26:00 – She’s still banging these nuts together (not in a good way) and says, “They’re so cute.”
This is…this is astonishingly bad content. Even by the standards of the videos that I cover.
28:00 – Now she’s feeling this felt children’s toy bag again. It’s gross. I dont’ want to listen to this.
I mean…if she was feeling leather or velvet or fur…you know, some kind of classy material, I could maybe get behind it. But felt? No. There’s nothing good about felt. It sounds gross. It feels gross. It’s an entirely synthetic material. It’s cheap. That’s why it’s used so much in children’s toys. I don’t want to listen to this. I don’t want felt anywhere in my home. And indeed, I can’t think of a single thing that I own that’s made of felt. Why would I? I’m an adult. Felt is not used in my products that adults purchase for themselves.
28:45 – “Do you like these little wooden things I made?”
And then she starts tapping her fingernails on them. What are they? She doesn’t even know. Just more children’s toys. And she’s going to tap her fingernails on them for the next five to ten minutes while whispering weird comments.
Oh, they’re the end pieces on the string for this felt bag.
29:15 – Now she has a toy fairie. Plastic, of course. Is she going to tap her fingernails on the fairie? We just have to wait and see.
So far, she’s just zooming it in and out of of the camera. The fairie lights up.
31:15 – She starts clicking her tongue or something, while continuing to move this lightbulb fairie around. She hasn’t tapped it with her fingernails yet but here’s to hoping.
36:30 – No. She never tapped her fingernails on the fairie. But now she has some other plastic children’s toy that she’s tapping her fingernails on. There should be a law against producing content this bad.
Oh, it’s a plastic heart. “The more that you collect, the stronger you get.” Like in the game, you know? Link collects hearts. But not plastic children’s toys. And he doesn’t tap his fingernails on them for forty minutes.
38:15 – Then she says, “Goodbye, Link” and for the next 45 seconds, it’s just this greenscreen.
This was a complete abomination. Somebody should be held accountable for this. Why is SupaPixelGirl or whatever her name is now, even allowed to live in society? She should be locked up for her own safety and the safety of others. She’s completely fucking insane. And she should not be allowed to make videos any more.
This isn’t the only one that she’s done either. She also did one on some Resident Evil character. I haven’t watched that. But the Resident Evil video came out shortly before the Zelda one and that got 5,000 views. Her Zelda video only got 1,000. So I think that she gave up. Even the horntards were watching this shit and thinking, “What the fuck? I think that I’ll watch Erin Plays stumble through a video game instead.”
It’s completely mental.
Oh, you know how earlier I was suggesting that SupaLunatic should do a video where she tries on a corset? Well, here you go:
Ummm…that’s a corset?
Somebody says, “That elastic fabric is the real hero here… good heavens.” SupaLunatic replies, “It’s not elastic hater”
What…there’s something not right about this. That is not a corset. It’s a dress. A weird dress that has some type of corset type thing integrated into it.
Here’s a close up picture of SupaLunatic’s face, looking derranged. She posted this. She thought that this was a good idea.
And if you still need proof that SupaLunatic is completely insane, look no further than this:
She claims to enjoy the podcast of Pam aka CannotBeEntertaining and Pele.
If there’s anybody out there who knows SupaLunatic in real life, do the right thing and get her the help that she needs. She is clearly mentally ill. It’s not funny, it’s not insulting, it’s sad. She needs urgent help.
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BAD GAMES from Beam Software! NES and Game Boy – Erin Plays
Why does Erin even make videos at this point? This is another absolutely zero effort, three minute video from her. “Here are three games that I’ve never played before and will never play again but I’m going to talk about them for a minute each anyway.”
Why bother? Her last four videos have all been under four minutes. Just extreme laziness. In the past 12 months, she’s made nine videos. Just stop. Nobody’s watching this shit anyway. She’s clearly given up. Why not just stop entirely?
0:00 – Bad Street Brawler. My friend had this game on PC. It wasn’t good but we played it. Then he gave me a copy? Maybe? Somehow I played it. Maybe I downloaded it years later. Maybe I played the NES rom. I don’t know. But I’m pretty familiar with the game so I must have played it a fair amount.
0:30 – She describes a weapon as a “bag of nickels”. It’s a bat. What are you fucking retarded?
0:45 – “I totally thought that this was a bat with a slinky attached to it.”
Hehe. “X looks like Y”. Am I right, guys? The height of Erin’s comedy.
She clearly only got to the second level in this game. Briefly.
1:00 – Days of Thunder. I had this game too. On the Game Boy. It sucked but I played it a fair amount. Yes, it’s boring to play a racing game where you go around a track 40 times but I appreciated the realism. I played it for many hours. This is what we had and at the time it was great. It was a huge step up from handheld games from just a few years earlier like…let me see if I can find it.
Yeah. Electronic Basketball. This thing:
Or, you can see a variant version in video form here:
The gameplay looks similar to what I had. I had the red one in the link. I played it for hours. Just a dot playing basketball. Kind of. You were able to get into a certain pattern and score repeatedly.
So go from that to Days of Thunder. It’s a massive shift. Yeah, I don’t want to play Days of Thunder today but when the choices were Days of Thunder or this weird Hong Kong basketball game where you play as a dot, I’m going with Days of Thunder.
1:15 – So Erin describes Days of Thunder as, “The most boring racing game I’ve ever played.”
Well, that doesn’t cover much ground. How many racing games has she played? I can’t think of any. If she hasn’t played it on stream, for money, she hasn’t played it. So…the comment is totally meaningless.
“At least the intro screen is kind of cute.”
Great commentary, Erin.
“I guess the beginning is some kind of practice stage where you have to finish the lap within 24 seconds”.
It’s the qualifying lap, you fucking idiot. I assume that it determines your order in the race. It’s been years since I’ve played so I don’t remember but that’s the usually the way with racing games. You didn’t know this, Erin? In the pantheon of racing games that you’ve played, you’ve never picked up on this?
1:45 – “The first race is 12 laps long. How are you supposed to get in front of the other cars when the acceleration sucks?”
By hugging the turns? How the fuck does Erin not know this? This is day one racing game knowledge.
“I was bored out of my mind by lap two.”
So she played the qualifying lap and one lap of the race. She played the game for about two minutes. She thinks that this qualifies her to do a review of the game. It’s fucking ridiculous.
2:00 – Itchy & Scratchy in Miniature Golf Madness. “I never played this before.” That’s me saying that. Erin, of course, is obsessed with the game and she’s going to give all of us gaming n00bs a complete rundown. Critique it for its brilliance.
“This isn’t a traditional golf game like you’d expect.”
Why would I expect that from an Itchy & Scratchy game? I don’t expect PGA Tour 2k23 from a game called Itchy & Scratchy Miniature Golf.
So Erin is bad at the game but she clearly only played it for a couple of minutes.
3:00 – “Do you agree with these choices being labelled as bad games?”
Well, I guess not. It’s not the conclusion that I disagree with, it’s your alleged expertise. You can’t play a game for two minutes and then do a review of it. It’s fucking preposterous. But this is what she does. This is what her entire Youtube “career” is based on.
That’s the video. By the way, she didn’t appear in it for ever one second. How is Shishi supposed to masturbate to this? I’m sure that he still found a way.
- “Your videos have become a lot shorter with a bigger gap between them.”
Erin replies, “Yeah they’ve been shorter, but I’ve actually been putting out content roughly every two weeks where before that it could be as long as a month in between videos. This time though it was three weeks in between due to going out of town, but yeah. It’s helping me be a little more consistent actually. If I do a letsplay or something though in the future then it will be as long as it needs to be.”
Yeah. Erin has been “out of town”. This is her euphamism for when she visits her parents once every two weeks.
But she used to make a video every week. Why did that stop? Fake carpal tunnel?
She must have accepted by now that her videos are complete trash and she’s never going to make money from this. Why it took her this long to figure out, I have absolutely no idea. I could have told her from day one that this shit was not going to work.
Then some horntard replies, “Who would complain about free entertainment? Thanks for your efforts.”
How dare somebody complain about this free, god awful, scam content? We should all be thankful that Erin graces us with these absolutely abysmal videos.
- “Yo, IRL Jessica Rabbit here to slay us internet nerd bois again? ❤ fucking AYYOOOOOGGGAAAAAAAAAA”
She didn’t even appear in the fucking video. What is this guy jerking off to?
- “Hi Erin, I was wondering if you can do a video of my challenge? I sent you an email about it describing what it’s about and what you have to do for it! I know it’s not exactly what you do on your channel but I’m asking everyone!”
Then he continues, “I was thinking, since you are a gamer, it can be Nintendo themed too. Like put the tub of shaving cream on top of the power pad before putting your feet in. Or maybe have a design in the shaving cream of like a NES controller or the Triforce from Zelda which would be pretty amazing. Anyway, let me know!”
What the fuck is this guy’s challenge? Something to do with shaving cream and the Power Pad. Obviously some weird sexual thing for this guy. Oh….what? She has to put her the shaving cream on her feet and then use the Power Pad. I think that that’s the challenge. Yeah, it’s clearly a sexual thing.
Well, maybe she’ll do it. It depends how desperate she gets for money. Maybe if Mike ever wakes up and kicks her out, she’ll do the video. This assumes that omega orbiter Joe from Gamesack isn’t there to swoop in.
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Mike Matei shows Erin Plays Roger Rabbit on NES! – Erin Plays
So…this is a stream where Mike plays a game and Erin just watches. Why would anybody…it makes no fucking sense. If we want to watch Mike play the game…he’s already done this. Recently. On stream, for money. What does Erin add to any of this? Her great commentary? Is she going to mention colours and cute sprites?
It’s like that Zuvi Japanese prostitute who I’ve written about a few times. Her pimp will be off-screen playing the game and she’s just there delivering her completely banal commentary on what she had for lunch or whatever. And it’s not a secret. They’re not trying to pull anything over on the viewer. It’s blatantly her pimp playing the game. She says as much. Anyway, here’s the latest time that I wrote about her, if you’re interested.
0:15 – “Every time I’ve tried to play this, I give it like five minutes and I just don’t get it and I want to just not play it any more.”
Five minutes is surely an exaggeration. Tell us exactly how many times you’ve played the game, Erin. And whether or not it was on stream, for money.
So Erin is framing this Mike teaching her how to play the game to inspire her to become interested in it. What? Why didn’t she just watch Mike fairly recent stream of the game then? Or why doesn’t she ask Mike to teach her about the game in her spare time like a normal person? Why does this have to be a stream?
This is unbelievably lazy “content”. Erin can’t even be bothered playing the games any more. That’s too much work. She has fake carpal tunnel syndrome.
1:00 – Mike thinks that there’s a carrot on a window sill in this game. Erin corrects him, saying that it’s a potted plant. She then, rightly, expresses completely bewilderment as to why Mike thought that this was a carrot. Mike then asks why there would be a potted plant on a window sill. Erin pronounces this as “window seal” but we’ll ignore that.
Why is there a potted plant on a window sill? What? Because that’s where potted plants go. It’s also somewhat of a staple in video games. Has he not played Urban Champion for the Nintendo Entertainment System?
Erin changed up her background in her gaming closet, by the way. Now there’s some neon cherries and a neon Saturn. The planet, not the Roman god or the car. Erin is all about neon. The 80s! Am I right? Erin was born in 1987.
3:00 – Erin says, “I saw palm trees on the overworld map and I just had an idea for an Erin video that nobody would watch.”
That could be anything, but go on.
“Top Ten Palm Trees in Games.”
Eugh. I had absolutely rock bottom expectations and this was even more boring that I anticipated. How is she possibly going to come up with a top ten palm trees in video games video? She doesn’t fucking play video games. She doesn’t know which games have palm trees.
Then Mike suggests making a top ten chairs in video games video. So what games does Erin suggest? Well, obviously the two games that she played most recently, on stream, for money: Splatterhouse and some Castlevania game.
This is exactly what I’m talking about. She has NO EXPERIENCE with video games. So she can’t make these types of videos.
4:30 – Mike goes into a building marked “13”. Erin says, “Thirteen is Sailor Moon’s favourite number.” This is some top tier commentary. I really want to hear more Sailor Moon trivia from a 35 year old chronically unemployed woman.
6:45 – “Oh, you can search through trash? This is like…umm…Princess Tomato and the Salad Kingdom.”
A game that Erin played one time, on stream, for money, and then never again. But she mentions it constantly.
7:30 – Mike says, “This game is RNG”. Erin says, “Oh.”
I can almost guarantee that Erin has no idea what “RNG” means. But she pretended that she understood because this is what she does. She doesn’t know ANYTHING.
Erin is taking notes on the game. For when she (potentially) plays this on stream, for money. Notes that she’ll never use, even if she does play the game. This isn’t your SAT prep course, Erin. You don’t need to take notes.
I wonder what Erin got on her SATs. I think that they changed the scoring system shortly after I took the test so it’s probably going to be hard to compare in any event. I did marginally better than average on the reading section but significantly worse than average on the math section. I never took any prep course, though. That’s the problem. I just went in totally blind and winged it. I didn’t retake the test either.
There’s a huge advantage when you have parents who are clued up and engaged. I didn’t have that. So I just had to figure everything out on my own.
Perhaps it doesn’t matter. I got into every school that I wanted to get into. I wasn’t applying to Harvard. And even if I got 200 points higher, which is surely much more than a prep course would give you, I wouldn’t have got into Harvard.
8:45 – “I’m taking notes because this video is going to be part of a video that I’m going to be making.”
So she’s not even going to stream this. It’s just going to be for a Youtube video. She’s going to make a Youtube video where she presents herself as an expert at the game, despite the fact that she’s openly admitting that she only played the game a few times, for a matter of minutes, on stream, for money.
21:00 – Somebody in the chat says that they just ate 52 Chicken McNuggets. You want to know what Erin said to that momentous announcement? “That’s great.”
Good chat, Erin.
And she doesn’t even have the excuse that she’s trying to talk while playing the game. She’s doing NOTHING. She can focus her entire attention on the chat.
32:30 – Erin says that she needs another cup of coffee. She’s bored out of her fucking mind. So she asks Mike if they should pause the stream or if he can continue without her.
What the fuck does she think that she’s contributing to any of this? It’s Mike playing the game and she’s saying totally banal bullshit.
34:30 – They’re talking about some ninja game that Mike recently beat, on stream, for money and then Erin says, “The furthest I got was to the boss but then I couldn’t beat him.” She goes on to ask about how she recorded the video. So this was for a stream or Youtube video, of course. That’s the only time when Erin plays video games.
I’m turning this off now. Mike is going into nerdy detail about this game and Erin clearly does not give the slightest of fucks. Nor do I.
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WTF Wednesday Review : Burial Ground: Night of Terror – Newt Wallen
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXDv-Ihf1Z0
Sorry for just making this a link. The thumbnail is disgusting. I’m not having that on a respectable blog like Gamer Girls.
So we have…who does PVC Bondage Guy remind me of? I’m getting a 1970s vibe. Barney Miller? My mother’s friend who had tinted 1970s glasses? I know that his glasses aren’t tinted, it’s just the enormous amount of eye makeup that he wears but…it reminds me of somebody. Or at least the 1970s broadly. I’m all about the 1970s. That’s my era. I was two years old in 1979. It was a turbulent decade. I experienced it all as a two year old.
You know, it might be Barney Miller.
Similar frames. And Barney’s glasses aren’t tinted but it was obviously a popular style in the 1970s. And Barney Miller is a show from the 1970s.
Maybe PVC Bondage Guy can grow a moustache to complete the look. He’s a guy, right? Guys grow moustaches. Then she can get a job as a wise-cracking New York City detective.
What the fuck is PVC Bondage Guy wearing? He keeps adjusting the straps because his boobs are almost out.
This video was shot shortly before Newt moved. So he’s still in his old place.
By the way, this is some boring tits and gore zombie movie. From Italy, I guess. Maybe? I don’t give a shit.
5:15 – Newt is drinking…some beverage. It’s in a bottle. The bottle appears too big to be a single serving bottle but too small to be a “family-sized” bottle. So whatever it would be. I don’t remember the units in the US. Bigger than a 16 ounce bottle but smaller than a gallon.
I’m probably the only person who cares about this but I find it interesting. They’re obviously selling large-sized bottles of high-calorie, sugary beverages that are intended to be consumed in one sitting. It all adds to the obesity epidemic in the US.
5:45 – PVC Bondage Guy says that he “took Latin”. In high school? Did PVC Bondage Guy go to college? We’ll never know.
6:15 – Then PVC Bondage Guy says that the characters in the movie “cock blocked” him. I’d give you the context for this but I don’t know it.
8:00 – “Leslie is a very attractive brunette. Great tits.”
This is the sort of cinematic insight that The Ideas Man provides. I want to know which characters have the best breasts. That’s what I go to the cinema for. Sure, I could just stay at home and jack off to hardcore pornography instead but no. That’s not my style. I only masturbate to 1970s, low-budget, tits and gore zombie movies from Italy. And I want The Ideas Man to tell me which women in this very specific genre are worth my masturbatory time.
By the way, PVC Bondage Guy agreed that Leslie had a nice chest. Great. So that’s confirmed. I’m going to go check this out.
8:45 – Newt asks PVC Bondage Guy if she ever heard of the show Coach. PVC Bondage Guy says that she has.
First of all, I barely remember the show and I’m two years older than Newt. I mean…I was probably at least 10 when the show was on. Let me look this up, actually.
Wow. It was on from 1989 to 1997. That’s way longer than I thought. So I was like 12 to 20 years old. So anyway, I remember watching it. I remember that Dick van Dyke’s brother was on the show. I remember a dumb character named Dauber who started as an athlete and later became assistant coach or something. I remember the main character. I remember that he had a wife. But I don’t remember a single episode or plot point or anything.
So anyway, Newt says that a character looked like Dauber. So whatever. I thought that he was going to give a more specific example about the show. But no, just the existence of a character named Dauber. Yes, I remember what Dauber looked like. But does PVC Bondage Guy? She must have been born…I don’t know…let’s say that she’s about 25…1998. The show was cancelled by then. Was it ever shown in syndication? Not that I can recall.
9:15 – Newt is talking about somebody making a ripoff of a movie “That’s basically softcore porn”. PVC Bondage Guy says, “Nice.”
Hey…gentlemen…are you at all familiar with Pornhub? You don’t have to look at vintage, low-budget horror films to get your fix of nudity any more.
This is exactly why these softcore porn movies don’t exist any more. We all have the internet. We can look at all of the porn that we want. I don’t need to wait for Cinemax to show The Bikini Carwash Company.
12:00 – PVC Bondage Guy is talking about “cheeky pants” or something. She says that a woman in the film has a “nice ass”.
Then Newt says that he wants to do a brand deal for this particular style of women’s undergarment and he says that he’ll wear them. Ummm…okay.
15:30 – PVC Bondage Guy starts talking about a character who gets her “titties” sucked on.
18:00 – PVC Bondage Guy was upset at the bear trap scene in this movie because the guy was trying to open the bear trap in an unrealistic fashion. So PVC Bondage Guy starts giving her expert opinion on bear traps.
What the fuck is this? Why does she know about bear traps? Some other disgusting fetish of hers. A bear trap fetish. What…let’s just move on.
Oh, and I mistakenly called PVC Bondage Guy “her” in the previous paragraph. Please excuse my mis-gendering.
Okay, so I made it to 20 minutes. There’s another 25 mintues but I’m bored out of my fucking mind here. We don’t need a shot for shot summary of some stupid tits and gore move that nobody cares about.
“Oh, yeah. She really had some big titties. I’d like to do stuff to her.”
Guys…this is not erotic. To anyone.
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Hot Babes of the Internet
When I moved to London, like 20 years ago, I was looking for a girlfriend. So I went to the internet. This was before Tinder. I think even before OkCupid. I used both OkCupid and Tinder subsequently but in these early days, it was Gumtree. Gumtree was a ripoff version of Craigslist. Gumtree was popular in the UK and possibly Australia (where I think it originated). Craigslist was not popular in the UK.
They had a dating section. It was kind of like an old-fashioned newspaper personals section. You would just describe yourself and maybe what you’re looking for and people would reply.
There were women who would post these ads, I guess, but I never looked at them. I assumed that they were getting swamped with replies so what’s the point?
Instead, I just wrote my own ads and people would reply. It was entirely in text. No pictures.
So I’d write sort of funny ads and I would usually say that I was looking for Asian women. My thinking here was that I didn’t want fat chicks. At the time, internet dating wasn’t so popular. You were considered desperate if you used the internet to get a date. So I didn’t want desperate fat chicks replying to my message. How many fat Asian women are there? Not many. Perfect. Say that I’m looking for an Asian woman.
And it worked. They didn’t give a fuck that I was some weirdo specifically looking for Asian women. I got loads of replies and I went out on loads of dates.
What would happen is you’d get a response to your email address and then you’d email the person a few times. Sometimes you would exchange pictures but not always. Often when I would send a picture, that would be the last time that I’d hear from them. That’s just the way with things unless you’re Clark Gable or that Frank guy from Hack the Movies.
One of the first women I met was from Singapore. I could swear that I told this story before so I’ll keep it brief.
She was painfully unattractive. We went to a cafe or restaurant. She told a story about how when she first arrived in the UK, somebody at the airport approached her and told her to follow him. So she did. And then she realised that something might be up so she stopped. I asked why she possibly thought that it was a good idea and she didn’t know.
She was also Muslim. But during the “date” she said that she would like to go and see different churches. Just as a tourist thing, I guess, see the architecture. So I told her that we can do that and she was really surprised. She also at some point said that she thought that I would vomit upon seeing her. She had really low self-esteem.
I was much the same, I guess, and I was desperate as fuck so the next day I texted her or emailed saying that I had a nice time and I’d like to go out again. She gave kind of a non-committal response. We talked for a little while after that and she asked if I found a job yet, I said that I hadn’t, and that was pretty much the end of it. She worked in an office or something. It wasn’t anything impressive. But I didn’t have a job so she thought that I would always be unemployed, I guess.
There was a Malaysian woman. I could swear that I told this story as well but maybe it’s in one of the posts that got lost.
She worked doing some pyramid scheme called Success University. It’s subsequently been shut down for being a pyramid scheme. But she was really proud of this “job”.
What she would do is con people into signing up for courses on how to make money. And then when you would go to these courses, their solution for making money was to sign people up for the courses. She would get a percentage for every person she signed up for the course and cuts would be given up the pyramid. She was targetting her fellow Malyasian immigrants, which I think makes it particularly disgusting.
She knew that it was a scam but she said that all jobs are scams. There’s always somebody above you taking your money.
So I met her, because I was desperate as fuck, and she was painfully unattractive. She was also a giant bitch. In most of my stories, the woman is painfully unattractive. But very few of them involve giant bitches. Most of the women I met were pleasant people. Not this woman. Huge bitch. I can’t remember specific examples but I hated her. She was awful.
Then after the date, she suggested that I should read How to Make Friends and Influence People. And she made this suggestion totally genuinely. Like this was some obscure book that I didn’t know about. It was obscure to her because she’s from Malaysia but no. I know about the book. It’s obviously insulting but I don’t even know if she intended it that way. Maybe she was genuinely trying to be helpful. But given her horrendous personality, I’m inclined to think that it was intended to be insulting as opposed to some kind of cultural misunderstanding.
She also recommended Rich Dad, Poor Dad. And she denigrated the fact that I was doing data entry work, which, while low-paying, is at least an actual job. “Success University” is not a job. It’s a scam. You’re a scammer.
Anyway, as desperate as I was, I was not interested in this horrible woman.
There was also a Japanese woman. She was a few years older than me. Smoking hot. Hottest woman I met from the internet, by far. She was dressed in some crazy Japanese outfit. Knee-high white boots is all I remember. And she would walk behind me. Some cultural thing in Japan. I once tried to nudge her to walk next to me and she just stopped. She wouldn’t move. She did not like it. She wanted to walk behind. Well, okay. Have to be sensitive to cultural differences.
So we went to a restaurant and I was just really bad at conversation. I didn’t say much. So she didn’t want to go out again. That was that. She worked as a dental nurse or something so good for her.
I also went out with a Korean woman. She was also…well, I’m not sure if “hot” is the word but she was cute. She was maybe 5’2″, really crooked teeth (as a lot of Asian people have), but giant fucking tits. I don’t mean big just by Asian standards. These were huge by anyone’s standards.
So I was…oh my fucking god. Massive. I’m on a date with a Korean woman with huge fucking tits. I couldn’t believe my luck.
I was really on form that day. I was witty. I was sophisticated. And I don’t think that I looked at her face even one time.
But I tried to play it cool. So even though things were going well, I cut the date short. We could have gone somewhere after our coffee but I didn’t want to appear too eager. So I thanked her for coming and I think just gave her a hug.
Then afterwards, things were fine. She was telling me that she was going a trip somewhere but that we should go out again after her trip. I can’t remember where it was. But I kept talking about how I’ve been there and how awful the place is. And I don’t know. She just stopped replying. I was too negative. Should have talked about something else. Well, there are plenty of other giant-breasted Korean women out there. Oh wait. There aren’t? Then I really blew it.
That Korean woman and the Japanese woman are the only two even REMOTELY attractive women that I ever met off the internet.
There was also a British Indian woman. She described herself as “half-American” because one of her parents was American. An American of Indian descent, presumably. I found this odd at the time, but I guess it makes as much sense as anything else. You don’t really think of American as an ethnicity, as you would English or Polish or Japanese or whatever but why not? If somebody said that they’re “half-Mexican” you wouldn’t think anything of it even though people in Mexico come various cultures and they have different skin tones and whatever. So why not be half-American?
Very early on, she told me that she was an asexual virgin. Well, okay. You do you. I don’t particularly need to know this. But she was fucking nuttier than a fruitcake.
She told me that she was drawing an erotic comic. I was interested in seeing that. What would an erotic comic from an asexual virgin look like? But she never showed me the comic.
She also wrote a book. It was some psychology book. I saw it on Amazon. It had two reviews and both were extremely negative. They said that it was just copy and pasted from other sources. She had a degree in psychology or psychiatry or something.
Now that I think about it, she was a real Newt Wallen. Except for the asexual virgin thing. Newt is getting busy with the ladies (or whatever) all the time. But in terms of erotic comics and love of plagiarism, they’re both very similar.
She would also tell me to call her a lot. She would text me and make it seem like it’s an emergency and I have to call right now and then it was nothing. She just wanted to talk.
One time she said, “Your deep voice is really making me aroused. Maybe I shouldn’t say that.” And I made whatever borderline autistic comment in response. But I don’t even have a deep voice which makes the whole thing even weirder.
So I was sick of the nonsense and said that we should just meet up. She agreed. We were going to get coffee and meet up at a train station.
My train was delayed so I texted her saying that I’m going to be about 15 minutes late. So I get there, I apologise for being late, and she says that she already got coffee because she was thirsty but that I should get coffee. What? So she’s just going to watch me drink coffee? Why couldn’t she wait?
But whatever. I went to some stall in the train station. Some old Indian guy was selling the coffee. He flirted with this woman for a bit and then I got my coffee.
Oh. I should mention her appearance. Painfully unattractive. The only thing I remember is really horrible teeth. The worst teeth I’ve ever seen on anyone, including the homeless. They were brown. They were green. They were rotted. They were chipped. And I remember there being a hole through the centre of one of her front teeth.
I look back and think, “How is it possible? Am I maybe misremembering things? How could a non-homeless person possibly have teeth that are this bad? This was a woman in her mid to late 20s.”
I don’t know. This is what I remember. And why would I misremember this?
So we sit on a bench in this outdoors area of the train station. She’s watching me drink my coffee and she’s talking a mile a minute. I’m saying, “uh huh” periodically. And then she says, “Okay, now you say something.”
No. She’s talking insanely quickly, I’m trying to focus on my coffee, I’m not good at conversations at the best of times, and now I’m just supposed to come up with something on command? It’s not going to happen. So I suggested that we go for a walk.
We’re walking around the block. It was just a commercial area. Tall buildings and shit. There was construction work going on. It was nothing romantic.
She starts telling me about her job. She worked as somebody who goes to companies and tells the company how they can be more efficient. Basically, which people they can fire. And she said that the workers at these places really resent her because she’s a young woman coming in and telling them how they can do their jobs more efficiently.
So I say, “Well, that’s understandable. These people might have been working there for many years and they know how the job should be done.”
She shut right up. Really offended. “What difference does it make how old I am as long as I know what I’m talking about?” Shit like this.
I didn’t care. I was just trying to contribute to the conversation. It’s just a matter of common sense that people would resent her coming in and telling them how they should do their job. It’s not about her age or gender.
But I apologised and we continued our walk around the block. She didn’t say much after that. She was stewing.
We circled back to the train station and I thanked her for coming, apologised again for my earlier transgression, and gave her the most chaste of hugs. She just stood there and was really uncomfortable with it. That’s when I remembered the asexual virgin thing.
I get home and she’d already texted me saying that she had a nice time and wants to do it again. I tell her that she needs to find somebody more talkative. She disagrees and says again that we should go out again. I tell her that I don’t think we’re really compatible. This goes on for a few more messages until finally she gets the hint and decides that I’m not the right guy for her.
I really wish that I would have seen that comic, though. She said that she was going to send it but then that awful date happened. Actually, I guess the date wasn’t that bad. It was just the teeth. If she had teeth that even approached normality, I think that I might have given it another shot. I mean, she was fucking insane but I really wanted to see the comic. I would have gone out again just to see the comic. But not with those teeth. I’m sorry to say that, I know that it’s superficial but…how do teeth even get that bad? That’s decades of neglect.
