Valheim – First time playing – Mike Matei

I haven’t time-stamped anything so you’ll just have to take my word on things.  Or you can watch the entire 12 hour stream and see for yourself.

So Mike is playing this game called Valheim.  It’s one of these survival multiplayer games like Rust or whatever.  There are loads of these kind of games.

You can play with up to ten people.  So what does Mike do?  “I’m playing with my friend Duo.”

This is the guy who makes the emojis for Mike.  And I think for Erin.  And this guy has apparently “donated” A LOT of money to Erin.  Oh, he also designed those HORRENDOUS t-shirts for Erin.  I don’t think that he gets paid for any of his work.  He’s just Mike’s bitch.  And of course Erin takes advantage.  It’s the one thing that she’s good at: taking advantage of people.

It’s just so fucking pathetic.  Why would he play a game that’s intended for at least…let’s say four people…with his bitch Duo?  GET MORE PEOPLE.  Don’t you know anyone else?  You couldn’t get Erin to play?  Or any of the Screenwave people?  Or people you know OUTSIDE of Cinemassacre (if anyone)?  

Failing all of that, GET PEOPLE FROM THE CHAT TO PLAY.  Isn’t this fucking obvious?  It would be a nice “reward” for the autistic losers in the chat who have “donated” so much money to you.  He can’t be bothered.  

So in this stream, Mike goes out and hunts monsters and shit (poorly) while his bitch Duo does all of the bitch work back at home (building structures and whatever).  Duo is MUCH better at the game than Mike.  Mike doesn’t know shit.

There’s a point where Duo is trying to teach Mike how to make carrot soup.  This increases your maximum health.  And Mike keeps saying, “I don’t want to do this.  You cook the soup.”  And Duo is trying to explain that he wants to teach Mike how to do it in case he ever has to do it by himself.  Mike is just a giant asshole to him.  He attempts to do it, can’t figure it out, and throws the ingredients down and tells Duo to do it himself.  Then he runs off to the forest to (poorly) fight against monsters.  

Mike can’t even master basic inventory management.  There are numerous times in the games where he’s loaded with too much shit but he just keeps going out and collecting more shit.  Then he doesn’t understand why he can’t pick anything else up.  He’s carrying like 150 pounds of wood and rocks (easy to obtain items) and doesn’t understand what the problem is.  He never manages to see the “max weight” section.  He doesn’t understand that wood and rocks weigh a lot.  So he ends up throwing valuable, light-weight stuff out to make room for more wood and rocks or whatever.

There are treasure chests in the game.  Mike doesn’t open them.  He’s not interested.  Or when he does open them he says, “Well, this is just gold” and leaves it there.  There’s like fucking gold and gems in these treasure chests and he just leaves them.  He wants to make more room for wood and rocks, I guess.

Only when he gets the bright idea that he wants to make a Scrooge McDuck money pit does he decide to start collecting gold.  And he makes his bitch Duo divide the gold into like 1 gold pieces so that visually it looks like more.  Like the icon for 1 gold looks the same as the icon for 100 gold.  And Mike wants to make this big stupid Scrooge McDuck money pit.  

Bitch Duo hesitantly obliges but he gives up eventually.  It’s just so fucking stupid.  Duo wants to play the game like a normal human being and Mike is just doing this stupid shit.

There was a similar incident earlier in the stream where Mike wanted to label everything as “Bat” whatever.  Like in Batman how there’s the “Bat Pole” and “Bat Phone” and that sort of shit.  So bitch Duo agrees to do that.  He re-does like 30 signs so that they have the “Bat” prefix in front of them.  So “Bat Gold”, “Bat Weapons”, “Bat Wood”, whatever.  He’s re-labelling all of the chests that he made for the storage room that he also made.

Another noob problem that Mike has is his inability to close doors.  You have to keep the doors to your base closed or else monsters can get in.  

So at one point, monsters get in.  And bitch Duo goes out to fight them.  And bitch Duo keeps saying, “WE’RE UNDER ATTACK!  MIKE!  WE’RE UNDER ATTACK!  I CAN USE SOME HELP!”  Shit like this.  And all the while, Mike is just (poorly) organising his stuff by putting them in the appropriately-labelled chests.  And as he’s doing this, for like five minutes while bitch Duo is fighting the swarm of enemies, he says something like, “I can just do this later.  This is boring.  I should be fighting monsters or something” completely unaware that that’s what he should have been doing for the past five minutes.

So then bitch Duo gets killed by the monsters and when Mike realises this he says something like, “What?  We’re under attack?  Why didn’t you say anything?”  And this all happened because Mike is too much of an idiot to close the fucking door.

How can he be this bad at these games?  Hasn’t he played these sort of games before?  He keeps saying that it’s similar to some Zelda game.  So he must have played that game.  Is it similar?  But just the basic inventory management…it’s the same system that’s been used since…I don’t know…what was the first RPG to use a graphical inventory screen like this?  I think that Wizardry 7 had such a system.  That was released in 1992.  But I’m sure it goes back further than that.

Mike will be in the middle of nowhere, with a full inventory (of rocks and woods and other “valuables”) and he’s on his way back to base to drop his shit off.  Okay, good idea.  

Then he’ll see a dungeon.  So he’ll stop, mark the dungeon on the in-game map, and then go in the dungeon for more treasure.

YOU’RE ALREADY AT FULL CAPACITY, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!  So he’ll go in this dungeon, kill some monsters, ignore all of the gold and precious gems, and end up throwing shit out of his inventory to make room for the new shit that he found.  It’s just unbelievable.

And all the while, bitch Duo is busy building the greatest fortress that land has ever known.  He also occasionally has to stop what he’s doing to go rescue Mike.  He also crafts all of Mike’s gear because Mike doesn’t know how to do that.  Mike also doesn’t know how to build structures.  Or do much of anything in this game.

If it weren’t for bitch Duo, Mike would be huddled in a shack, starving, naked, and fighting monsters with his bare hands.  

Maybe this is why Mike only plays these games with bitch Duo.  Who else would want to play with Mike?  He’s shit at the game and isn’t interested in learning how to play.  He just wants to do his own thing even if it’s something completely idiotic like building a Scrooge McDuck money pit.  If this was a public server, he would have been kicked for being a giant asshole.  

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