Lets Try New COKE ULTIMATE – Newt Wallen

So we’ve got PVC Bondage Guy wearing a tube top. Believe me, you don’t want this. PVC Bondage Guy, please put some clothes on. This is not flattering. We do not want to your gut or your…god, how can I be honest but also tactful when describing this man’s breasts? We just don’t want to see them. All right? Can you dress more sensibly in the future? There’s a way to present yourself in an alluring fashion. This is not it.

You know what would make for some good “content”? A makeover video for PVC Bondage Guy. Get rid of that disgusting eye makeup. Do a tasteful makeup job on him. Put her in a nice pink sundress. And do something with her fucking hair. I know that it’s thin and stringy but the length is good. She has long hair. There must be something interesting that can be done with it. Giving her a shower would probably help too.

0:00 – Newt says that he got the idea for this video from Profesor Macabro. This is some lunatic who presumably follows Newt on Twitter or whatever. He posts a video almost every day and it’s him in a rubber mask.

0:15 – Newt doesn’t know what League of Legends is so PVC Bondage Guy explains it.

0:30 – Newt says that Raid Shadow Legends won’t sponsor his videos. Well, it’s good to see that they have some standards at least.

0:45 – Newt doesn’t know what “XP” means. I suppose that he’s never claimed to be interested in video games.

1:00 – “I tried the trans one where it’s supposed to change and it didn’t. It just tasted like chemicals.”

What? Let me look this up.

I don’t think it’s anything to do with transgenderism. Nobody’s even saying that as a joke, that I can see. It’s just a flavour that apparently changes flavour. “Transformation”.

So this was just Newt making an inappropriate “joke” about transgenderism around PVC Bondage Guy, who we all know is “transmasc”. Whatever that is.

1:15 – Newt puts the beverage right under his nose and smells it. You might think, “Well, who really cares?” There’s a reason that I’m mentioning this.

So then he takes a sip and then he hands it to PVC Bondage, who takes a sip.

“Wait…you mean PVC Bondage Guy poured it into a glass or something, right.”

No. PVC Bondage Guy drank directly from this bottle that Newt had half an inch from his nose and took a sip out of.

I don’t know what, if any, diseases can be transmitted this way but it’s still gross. And this is obviously intended to be a sign that they’re in some kind of relationship together. Because would you do with this with a stranger? Or even a friend?

Could they not easily have got two glasses? Or even one if Newt doesn’t own two glasses. Pour PVC Bondage Guy a glass and Newt can drink out of the bottle. Problem solved. Newt intentionally did it this way to send a message to Horseface that he’s fucking PVC Bondage Guy.

1:30 – PVC Bondage Guy says that it tastes like blue raspberry “icees”…or something from “work”. Newt then says that PVC Bondage Guy hasn’t worked with him in four years.

Then they waffle on for a while about nothing, both PVC Bondage Guy and Newt endorse the product, and the video ends.

Some guy in the comments mentions Laffy Taffy. Yeah, I used to enjoy those. The wrappers had jokes on them, hence the name. But I also used to get long bars of taffy. I can’t remember the brand. Was it Laffy Taffy as well?

They don’t sell taffy in the UK. Not that I’ve ever seen anyway.


“In the United Kingdom, taffy pieces are known as “chewy sweets”, “chews” or “fruit chews”[16]—the term “taffy” is not used. Popular brands of chew include Chewits and Starburst”

What? That’s not taffy. Is it? Would you consider Starburst to be taffy? There’s no way. Chewits are basically the same thing as Starburst. I think they’re made in Germany.

Oh, no. It’s a Swedish company. You usually only find Chewits in discount grocery stores. In like packs of four packages. They’re perfectly fine, though. I prefer them to Starburst.

But no, that’s not taffy. That’s just soft candy. Taffy has a different texture.

Let’s briefly check out his Twitter.

He’s referencing some “uncompleted” project that he did years ago. Any excuse to post pictures of Horseface.

Here’s a bunch of things that Newt claims he’s done in the past two years. I really don’t want to get into this.

Here’s Newt pretending that he’s a member of some kind of union. It’s just weird.

Maybe Newt should start a plagiarism union. If you want your plagiarism done right, make sure to only hire union plagiarists. All of the members have to do like online workshops to keep their plagiarism skills up to date.

2 thoughts on “Lets Try New COKE ULTIMATE – Newt Wallen

  1. The post where he is patting himself on the back for all the things he has accomplished is utter BS.
    – His “comic book” still isn’t out (and isn’t coming out).
    – Writing these “scripts” doesn’t mean ANYTHING until the movie is in the can and can actually be viewed by people.
    – “Acting” in a scene in a movie that never gets released to the general public is not an “accomplishment”.

    WHY does he not get this? Just because he says something does not make it a finished project or anything based in reality.

    He is still working on a movie from 12 years ago, Midnight Show. It’s always, “just have a few more rewrites to do… and this will be out in a month.” or “just need to re-film the beginning and ending of the movie, and it will be out in the Spring…” and NO, IT WON’T. It’s never coming out. You’re delusional, Newt!

    I’ve also noticed he has started listing his dumb YouTube video shorts as FILMS, just like James does. OOOFAH!

    1. Yeah, it’s just weird delusions. Finish a project and then you can say you did something. Well, he is the Ideas Man, I guess. Not the Completed Projects Man.

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