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Mike Matei and Erin Plays stream Splatterhouse
Hey, Erin is wearing her iconic Hamburglar top, which was immortalised in anime form by artist extraordinaire and pride of the Philippines: CursedCat182. That banner amuses me every time I look at it.
0:00 –
Erin: I am here with…Mike? From Mike Matei Live. And I am going to show him how to play Splatterhouse. Because I beat it and I know how to play Splatterhouse and you don’t know how to play Splatterhouse. Right?
Mike: Uhh…
Erin: It was his idea. So before anybody gets their little panties in a twist, his idea.
Yeah. And a bad idea. A horrible idea.
Here’s how the conversation went down at the Matei/Plays household.
Mike: So I see that you beat Splatterhouse on stream. How about you do a stream where you teach me to play Splatterhouse?
Erin: What? That GamerGrrls guy is going to have a field day if I present myself as a pro at this game. He’s going to call me a “fraud” and a “lying bitch” and talk about how “preposterous” this whole thing is.
Mike: Don’t worry about that loser. I know what people want to watch.
Erin: Well…if you’re sure it’s a good idea.
It’s totally idiotic.
1:00 –
Mike: So how should we do this?
Erin: Well…do you want to start playing first? And if you have any questions, you can ask me?
WHAT QUESTIONS CAN THERE POSSIBLY BE? It’s not a complicated game. There are two buttons. Jump and attack. You go through the lineal stages, walking to the right, and killing the enemies.
1:15 –
Mike: I just want to see how well I can do. Don’t give me tips.
Erin: Okay. I won’t say anything. I’ll just let you do it.
WHAT TIPS CAN ERIN POSSIBLY PROVIDE? It’s fucking ridiculous. She played the game ten times, on stream, for money, and now suddenly she’s an expert?
Mike got hit by the first enemy. Not a good start. Here’s my tip: don’t walk straight into the enemies.
While that’s going on, Erin is doing her Romper Room thing. “I see Guido and ShiShi and Marcus and NINFan.”
1:45 – Mike says, “First of all, I’m trying to figure the buttons out.”
There are only two of them.
8:00 – A horntard asks, “Favourite cute enemies in games.” Erin says, “There are so many, like, top ten lists that I want to do.”
Don’t worry about top ten videos. He’s asking a straight forward question. What are your favourite cute enemies in games. Think of some. You’re a professional gamer, Erin. I mean, technically. She’s getting paid to play video games. It’s a pittance and her ability is abysmal but it doesn’t matter. She’s still a professional. So just name some cute enemies.
Goombas. See how easy that was? Goombas are cute.
Erin can’t do it because she doesn’t know shit about video games.
8:30 –
Mike: So I’m already on stage three? Aren’t there only five?
(long pause)
Erin: I forget how many stages there are.
Uh huh. Erin “always” “forgets” how many stages are in this game. She’s a real Splatterhouse expert.
10:45 – Erin is talking about this guy Zophar who came in the chat. From Zophar’s Domain, apparently. And she says, “When he first came into the chat, I was like, ‘Are you really Zophar?’ and he was like, ‘Yeah’”.
This guy must be in his 50s at least because that website has been around forever.
There’s his Twitter. Apparently, he only owned the site from 1996 to 2000. Recently, he started streaming on Twitch. Yeah, he’s in his 50s. A fat, bearded fuck. Can you believe it? This description fits 90% of Erin’s audience. Fat, bearded men between the ages of 40 and 55.
16:45 – Mike asks Erin who her favourite He-Man character. Eugh. She’s never seen the fucking show. It was cancelled before she was born. And it was for 8 year old boys.
But she said Man-at-Arms. Okay. Tell us why. “Because of his stupid moustache.” Well, she actually gave a reason, as braindead as it was.
23:45 – Mike can’t jump on these platforms. Because he’s fucking retarded, apparently. He keeps trying to kick the enemies (who can’t be hit, by the way) instead of just jumping on the platforms.
26:30 – She’s reading from the chat. “I am not a pro speed runner of this game, no.”
Then why present yourself as such?
27:30 – Mike compares these platforms that he can’t navigate to a Double Dare obstacle course. Erin says, “That’s a good way to put it.”
Erin is a big Double Dare fan. When was this show cancelled? 1993 for Family Double dare. Erin would have been about six years old. She remembers watching this as a six year old?
Maybe she’s referring to the short-lived Double Dare 2000.
Or maybe she’s just pretending to know what people are talking about, as usual.
31:00 – Now Erin is playing.
39:30 – They’re talking about powdered chocolate beverages.
I remember a promotion where they put one of those pink Muscleman figures into every carton of Nestle Quick or whatever it was. That was a stroke of marketing genius. I even remember which figure I got. It was some feminine robot. Then I think I got another figure in another carton but I don’t remember which figure. But it was good promotion because those Muscleman figures were popular. I had 300 of them.
Another good promotion was they gave little stuffed Dino figures in Fruity and Cocoa Pebbles. It wasn’t in the actual cereal, it was in a separate compartment on top of the box. This way, it wouldn’t get dirty. And it was too small to fit in the box anyway. You got a purple Dino in Fruity Pebbles and a brown one in Cocoa Pebbles. I definitely got a purple one. Possibly two. And I also got a brown one, I think. That was the best cereal promotion of all time.
Wow. You can get one of these things for $15, still in the box, on Ebay. That’s tempting. But what do I need a plush Dino for?
56:00 – “I thought these were chilidogs falling from the sky.”
Really? Because a normal person would assume that they’re rocks. But retard over here thought that they were chili dogs.
56:30- A horntard says, “Flaming logs sounds like a name for a rock band.”
He stole this “joke” from Dave Barry. You guys know Dave Barry, right? Nationally syndicated newspaper columnist from the 1990s?
Let me look this guy up. He must have retired years ago.
Yeah, He wrote the column from 1983 to 2005. A running joke would be when he came across a weird couple of words, he would say, “Which would be a great name for a rock band”. This fucking retard in the chat stole the joke from Dave Barry.
Did you think that nobody would notice? I noticed and I’m calling you out for your lame joke stealing.
Oh that’s right. Dave Barry also had some role in that AWFUL television sitcom Dave’s World from 1993 to 1997. It starred Harry Anderson of Night Court fame. He was also in a few episodes of Cheers.
But I saw that they were rebooting Night Court. What a disaster that’s going to be. Have any of these reboots been successful with the possible exception of the Roseanne reboot? And that one ran into problems when Roseanne made a comment that was perceived to be racist and they killed her character off.
The Punky Brewster reboot was quickly cancelled. Is Fuller House doing any good? No. Negative reviews and cancelled after five seasons. That lasted longer than I would have expected.
There was a Murphy Brown reboot? Who would want to watch that? Nobody, it would seem. Negative reviews and lasted one season.
A One Day at a Time reboot? I don’t even remember that show. It was from the 1970s to the early 1980s. I only saw it in reruns. Briefly. And apparently the reboot has a whole new cast. Because the original cast must all be long dead. Fucking Schneider. Yeah, he’s dead.
Mad About You. Lasted one season. I didn’t watch it when it was originally on, I’m certainly not going to watch it when the cast is elderly.
How about a reboot of Perfect Stranger but Balki and Larry decide to retire back in Mypos and they get into all kinds of zany antics with the rural life there. It would be like Green Acres. Instead of Larry being embarrassed that the rube Balki doesn’t know how about life in big city America, it would be Balki who’s embarrassed by Larry for not knowing how to tend sheep and deal with gypsies and whatnot. You reverse the formula. Balki becomes the straight man. They can bring their wives from the later seasons or stay true to their early roots as a homosexual couple.
57:00- Holy shit. Then Erin says, “Have you watched the Night Court reboot?”
How did I even get on to that? Oh. From that guy stealing a joke from Dave Barry. There’s no way that the horntards drew the same series of connections. That’s weird.
58:45 – Now Erin’s hands hurt. Or so she claims. And she’s looking for her “hand thingies”.
1:06:15 – Erin starts doing stretches. Her hands, guys. They REALLY hurt. She has carpal tunnel syndrome. She’s suffering. Don’t you have any compassion?
1:08:30 – “I really like Pac-Land.”
She knew NOTHING about the game when she did a Youtube video about it. “Power pellets? That sounds wrong to me.”
1:09:30 – She’s reading from the chat. “Do you like the Cobra-Kai tv series? I do. I do like Cobra-Kai a lot.”
Go on. “I love Johnny Lawrence.”
Oh. That’s all that she had to say about that particular topic. It’s more than we usually get, I guess.
1:11:15 – “Ayy! I beat it for the SECOND time. Fuck you. Piece of shit.”
Wow. Two times. Erin is a pro at this game.
Then there’s 25 minutes of “just chatting”. Do I really want to watch this? Let’s look at the comments while they drone on.
Nothing interesting.
Twitter?
Oh my god. She talks to this woman who recently promoted her channel on Erin’s Twitter. This woman plays video game music on piano. And Erin has a TWO HOUR conversation with her on Twitch. It’s somehow a part of some nerd convention. You just know that that’s a disaster. But I don’t want to watch it.
Back to the Youtube video, Erin is going on about her history with video games again. “Growing up, my first console was a Super Nintendo.”
FUCK OFF! I’m done with this shit. I’m done with the lies. I’m done with Erin pretending to know ANYTHING about video games.
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What Cut of Little Shop of Horrors (1986) Has The Best Ending? – Tony from Hack the Movies
Oh, Jessica the Intern is here. Along with…some guy. Does he have a beard? Of course he does. Every guy has a beard on this show. They should call it Talking About Beards. When is this faggot beard trend going to go away?
But first a two and a half minute commercial for a mobile game.
Tony goes on about how he’s watched this movie many times. He really enjoys musicals, it would seem. I see.
Jessica says that this is her favourite movie. She goes on to criticise the performance of one of the singers in a high school play that she saw. Her school did a rendition of Little Shop of Horrors.
5:15 – Speaking of which, this bearded guy was also in a high school play of Little Shop of Horrors and we get some clips from that. Pretty gay. Pretty really gay. But you do you.
Who is this guy, by the way?
I don’t know. Nothing in the description. Oh, here’s his Twitter.
Oh. This is Johanna from Hack the Movies’ fiance. That explains my gaydar going off. I just remember him saying a lot of gay shit on Twitter.
And he apparently got a Star Wars tattoo of a sexy alien and a “meme” phrase that’s probably already passe. Great idea, Mr Gay Man.
9:15 – The summary begins.
Well, I made it to 28 minutes. There’s another hour of this. You’ve got to be out of your fucking mind.
Comments.
- “Jessica is so hot”
Uh huh.
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I SOLD A SCRIPT (New Village Video presents Mars vs Cheerleaders) – Newt Wallen
Well, the video is finally here. He had this video set to “premiere” for like two fucking weeks.
0:15 – Newt says, “Go ahead and introduce yourself, sir.” Like this is some Hollywood bigshot. Newt has to really kiss ass by saying “sir.”
So this is Larry Alan, the co-owner of New Village Video. He leaves a comment. Let’s check out his channel.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzbaFW6S6Yk7PAez78MtduQ
He has 28 subscribers. TWENTY-EIGHT! I’m not making this up. His videos struggle to crack 10 views.
They’re trailers. Trailers to tits and gore movies that NOBODY is watching.
Here’s his Twitter:
155 followers.
They also have a website where you can “rent” their shitty tits and gore movies. And it has a 1980s look.
I have no idea how this is a viable business. Clearly, nobody is interested. Nobody is buying this shit.
So this is the guy who bought one of Newt’s shitty scripts. For how much? How much could this guy possibly have paid? His movies aren’t making any money. Fifty bucks?
How much would anybody possibly pay for something called Mars vs Cheerleaders? Especially when it’s written by the completely talentless (at least in terms of writing) Newt Wallen.
0:30 – Newt says that he wrote four scripts for something called “Crude Cinema”. I’m not going to bother looking them up. Another “studio” who makes tits and gore “movies” that fucking nobody watches.
So somehow, this loser “producer” “discovered” Newt through Newt’s “work” at Crude Cinema and asked Newt if he had any scripts. Newt says that he had 32 scripts. Newt sent this guy some of this self-described “shit” and this guy chose Mars vs Cheerleaders as the script that he wanted to purchase.
3:45 – Newt says that he knows all of the actors and (especially) sexy actresses who have appeared in this guy’s “films”. Because Newt just wants to talk about himself and what a Hollywood bigshot he is. As always.
4:30 – This guy (I already forgot his name and I’m not going to look it up so fuck it) says that he wrote a script for a “feature film” but wanted to make two films this year. I’ll stop saying “film” in quotes but just keep a mental note that I don’t consider anything that this guy does to be a legitimate film.
So anyway, this guy wanted to make two movies this year but only wrote one script. And he thought, “There’s no way that I can write another script this year.” Enter The Ideas Man. Newt shits out a new script every day. This is according to Newt. He openly admits that he writes this shit in one day.
But Steven Spielberg over here is under the impression that it takes a long time to write a script. No. Not if you’re Newt Wallen it doesn’t.
A good script? Yes, that takes time. But The Ideas Man doesn’t give a fuck about quality. “25,000 words? I’m done. Moving on.”
5:30 – Oh my god. He’s talking about the genesis of Mars vs Cheerleaders. He wrote it in 2016, I think he said. “Originally it was going to be a star vehicle for my former partner.”
He’s actually giving a shout out to Horseface in this. He can not get over this. HORSEFACE.
Newt. The guy does not give a fuck about your former “partner”, horse face or no horse face. This is embarrassing as fuck. Have some dignity. Have some professionalism.
Right now this guy is thinking, “Wait a minute…I bought a script that he wrote for his horse-faced former friend? What the fuck was I thinking? I should go back to being a wedding photographer.”
5:45 – Then Newt literally lists the names of movies that he ripped off for this Mars vs Cheerleaders. It’s shameless. NEW IDEAS, IDEAS MAN. Can you come up with any?
At least don’t boast to the guy who you sold the script to that the script is entirely plagiarised.
7:30 – “It was weird this year to have 11 projects picked up that were sitting around or stuff that I had to re-write really quickly.”
Newt. It is not about you and how awesome you are and how people can’t get enough of your awful scripts that you shit out in a day. Plagiarised scripts, I should add. This is about promoting this stupid fucking movie that this moron inexplicably bought your script for.
11:15 – “People get so uptight and they have these opinions like, ‘What’s a bad movie?’ You can’t say what’s a bad movie. It’s subjective.”
No, I can say. Mars vs Cheerleaders is going to be a bad movie? How do I know? It’s a script by Newt Wallen. It’s being made by a guy who never made a good movie in his life. There’s a budget of zero. And it’s just going to be another tits and gore piece of shit that nobody will watch.
I don’t even need to see the movie and I know all of this. Everybody does. Except for these two deluded fucks.
17:15 – Newt actually uses the phrase “tits and gore”. Eugh.
18:30 – “When I was at the other company.”
This is fucking…does this Larry guy even know Newt’s history with Screenwave and all that? Why…Newt really needs to put into a mental institution for his own safety. He needs round the clock care. He needs a team of psychiatrists working with him.
I made it to 20 minutes. I’m done. Fuck this. Comments.
Oh, another delightful comment from Horn Dog. He’s becoming my favourite.
- “Is that harlot Cristal Quinn going to be in it? she’s a stunning girl, but is a little rough around the edges”
He must know. But fucking braindead Newt gives his standard zombie reply. “She no longer associated with schlock. These art pieces were done in 2016 and 17. Going fwd im honoring her wishes to change all likenesses as not to hurt their brand”
Then Horntard replies, “People online are saying that she owns 50% of all these projects, and this is just an attempt to win her back with them all now happening to get sold?! Please tell me that’s not true, Newt? I believe in you and the new direction you are going.”
Newt replies, “only project she has any claim to is midnight show. Which we are reshaping so not sure how much she will be in when finished. And all these projects are my attempt to get my name and reputation back. Im well aware she hates me and didnt believe in my scripts. So no need to attempt to impress. I wanna impress the people who believe in me”
Horntard again, “Thanks for your honesty, and I hope you can resolve the midnight show without her having a say. This is your time now, and your story isn’t over because a bunch of people want it to be! I know people will always think the worst of you and come to their own conclusions, but we are here with you!”
Ideas Man again, “appreciate that. I cut her from all the stuff I was told to cut her from. Changing likeness on art. We were 50-50 and I did write all my scripts up to 2020 for her. She was my muse. But learned after that she didnt believe in them. And was told she called all my shoots a waste of time. And embarrassing. Well some people liked them enough to pay for them. And some other actress is gonna play those parts and kick ass. Nothing I can do know but build schlock and by summer the full plan will be revealed but im sure once sw moves into new offices an will make movies with her or new shows. Do I wish she was still around. Everyday. But i also know I have movies and comics an games and shows to do. Money coming in. Moving to new space. I am done trying to change peoples minds. I said my sorrys. Did my time. Lost more than you all will ever know. Now time to show them what they missed out on”
Newt, get fucking help. Still talking about his god damned horse-faced muse. This is all for Horseface. And Horseface is say that Newt’s movie ideas are just a giant waste of time. They clearly are. It’s all plagiarised tits and gore shit that nobody will ever be interested in.
But the real horror is Newt’s suggestion that Screenwave is going to start making movies starring Horseface. What the fuck? Show me the people who want to see a film starring Crystal Quin. That’s just as delusional as Newt thinking that anybody wants to watch his shitty film ideas.
Maybe I should buy one of Newt’s scripts. But then do what with it?
Well, I could make a movie and have Horseface be the leading lady. These scripts are all written for her, after all. I can get the whole Hack the Movie crew. The ladies, anyway. Horseface, Johanna, that Italian woman, that anti-abortion nut, the perpetual intern. Am I missing anyone? Oh, I’ll get Mint Salad too, if her fat hillbilly pimp allows me. And they’ll all play prostitutes or sexy cavewomen or whatever idiotic role that Newt’s awful scripts have.
Then I’d get Justin to be the leading man. And all of these Hack the Movies skanks would be half-naked and rubbing up on him. And Newt would just be at home fuming over this. Using Newt’s script to get Horseface to rub up on Justin.
I’d make a million dollars. I’d be on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. “King of Tits and Gore” it would say. Then I’d ask Newt’s mother if she wants to go on a date with me.
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Beating Splatterhouse for the first time on TurboGrafx-16 – Erin Plays
This is like Erin’s tenth stream of Splatterhouse. She apparently beat it in this no doubt heavily-edited video. And here’s what she had to say on Twitter:
“Yay! Finally beat Splatterhouse on TG-16! I love this game. I’m probably going to stream it a bit more though because I want to get better at beating it”
So even though she’s already streamed the game like ten times, and even Erin’s “fans” are sick to the back teeth with this shit, she’s going to continue to stream it. Why? If you like that game, that’s fantastic. Video games are fun, aren’t they, Erin? But just play them in your spare time like a normal person. It doesn’t have to always be on stream, for money.
And indeed, she has apparently played this again. As here:
“Showing Mike how to play Splatterhouse”. Because Mike is a total video game noob and he needs a pro gamer like Erin to explain the game to him. Erin, whose only experience with the game are these ten fucking streams that she recently did. But now she’s an expert. Now she’s going to show Mike how it’s done.
It’s fucking ridiculous. Nobody wants this. Play a different fucking game. Not Castlevania. Not Splatterhouse. Not Vampire Survivor. Something else. There are millions of games out there. Millions of games that you’ve never played before. Try them out.
There is absolutely no way that anybody can be interested in this. Even ShiShi must be going to these streams and saying, “Fuck. Splatterhouse AGAIN? I think I’m going to jerk off to Retro Ali’s anime girl stream instead.”
0:45 – “I still think it looks like those bats are wearing lipstick.”
The triumphant return of Erin’s favourite “joke”, “X looks like Y”. And evidently, she’s told this one before. On a previous stream of this game. So not only do you get a stream of the exact same game over and over again, you also get the exact same fucking “jokes” over and over again. “Jokes” that were never funny to begin with.
“It looks like those fake candy wax lips or whatever they are.”
Riveting stuff, Erin. And I’m in fucking hysterics. You’re a real Paula Poundstone.
3:30 – “I wish I could go to a real-life Splatterhouse, except the monsters weren’t real.” “I just want to go to a house like this and whack obstacles like this. I think that would get rid of a lot of frustrations.”
Oh. Very interesting.
“People are always like, ‘Oh my god. You’re so calm.’”
Not calm, Erin. Boring as fuck.
5:30 – A horntard compliments Erin’s top. Because for once she’s wearing something slightly tight. She has to give the horntards something since she’s been playing this game repeatedly. Something to keep their attention. “Look at my small boobs, retards.”
6:00 – She’s reminiscing about beverages that she DIDN’T drink.
7:30 – ShiShi gifts a sub. In other words, he gave Erin money. For this. He finds this entertaining. The tenth fucking Splatterhouse stream in a row from Erin.
9:00 – She says that she wants to play some music in this game on her bass guitar. But, “With all my hand issues, I can’t play it.”
Then she reveals that her guitar is still at her parents’ home. When is she going to move all of her stuff to Mike’s place? They’re been together for many years. This is the love of her life. Mike Matei. This isn’t just a buttsex for Youtube promotion thing. This is a real relationship. They’re soulmates.
But she still has a lot of stuff at her parents’ house. So she obviously thinks that this thing with Mike is just temporary.
9:15 – Pizza? I want pizza. I always feel so lame or like ten years old when people ask what my favourite food is and I say, ‘pizza’. But it is.”
Lame indeed, Erin. She gives the shittiest, most boring answers to absolutely everything.
10:15 – She reveals that she likes In and Out, which is a restaurant chain on “The West Coast”. She goes on to say that she likes the fries “well done”.
What the fuck? I’ve never heard of this. You’re asking for “well done” french fries? The good news is that every time she makes that absolutely idiotic request, the cook is spitting in her fries.
It’s like going to McDonalds and saying, “Can I have my fries medium-rare, please?” “Oh sure. No problem. Let me just wipe my ass on them first.”
11:45 – She dies. “I’m not ready for this. I’m not in the zone. The Auto Zone.”
Well, I’ll give her this. This was an actual joke. Not a good one, of course, but an actual joke. She’s referencing a defunct store. Auto Zone is defunct, right? Or are they still in business?
No, they’re still trading. Do they say “trading” in the US for when a business is still in operation? I don’t know.
But I went to an Auto Zone when I was 17. My friend was driving me home from school and he said that he wanted to return some items and asked if I would do it. I said that I would. He was driving me home, after all. Didn’t ask for payment or anything.
So he gives me like five bottles of windshield wiper fluid and some other shit. I say, “Are they really going to take all of this?” He says, “Yeah. I do it all the time. If they ask what happened, tell them that your car broke down.”
So I bring all of this shit in, put it on the counter, and ask for the money back. The guy looks at this pile of stuff and says, “What the hell happened?” I say that my car broke down. He said, “Oh. So you don’t need this shit any more.” I said, “No.” Then he gave me the money back.
But that’s some low-class shit. Why did he even have all of this windshield fluid? Why was he regularly returning stuff to Auto Zone?
12:00 – She’s reading from the chat. “Any gaming events in Boston this year? I don’t know of any.”
You don’t say. What do people possibly expect Erin to say to these types of questions? She doesn’t give the slightest of fucks about video games, you fucking retards. What are you not understanding?
“As of this time, no. Not that I know of.”
There’s probably loads of video game shit going on in Boston now. But of course Erin doesn’t know. It’s like if somebody asked me, “Hey, are there are any upcoming Backstreet Boys events in Philadelphia” What the fuck do I know?
But I wouldn’t say, “No”, like Erin did. Because that implies that I’m somehow in the Backstreet Boys loop. I’m not. I have no fucking idea what Backstreet Boys shit is going on.
Why can’t she just admit that she has absolutely no interest in video games? It’s not like it’s even a question. Anybody with half a brain can watch her videos for two minutes and immediately realise that she knows nothing about video games and isn’t interested. So why continue this ridiculous facade?
So let’s look see what upcoming video game events are coming to Boston.
Oh, a little thing called PAX East is happening late March. From those braying jackasses at Penny Arcade.
And today, 8 February, there’s the highlight of my social calendar: The Queer Woman Board Game Speed Dating at Castle Island Brewing. Not strictly video game stuff but video game adjacent. Nerd shit, certainly. And maybe you’ll get a date out of it. That’s always good.
Wow. Tickets are sold out. At $30 each. How is it possible? Lot of sexy lesbians in Boston who enjoy board games, I guess.
20:15 – She’s reading from the chat. “Am I still collecting Masters of the Universe figures? I stopped because it’s just…there’s so many.”
She stopped right after she made that video where she showed the figures. The figures that Mike bought for her.
Why can’t she just admit it? Admit that you have absolutely no interest in any of this and you only do this shit for the videos. “Won’t that be admitting that I’m a total fraud?” Yes. Of course. But that’s already obvious to anyone with a modicum of intelligence. So you might as well admit to it.
Here’s the review of that video where she opened the He-Man figures:
That was in April 2021. Nearly two years ago. She talked about colours. The colours of the figures. Which colours she liked. She didn’t know the characters. She didn’t give a fuck about the characters. So what else is left to talk about? Colours, obviously.
And I’m not saying that Erin should be interested in He-Man. It was a cartoon for BOYS. And the show was cancelled before she was born. Why would any of this POSSIBLY appeal to Erin? It doesn’t. Obviously.
Then why make the video? Why pretend that you’re interested in He-Man? As a 33 year old woman? And you’re buying the toys?
It is completely ridiculous. Just admit that you only do this shit for the videos. NOBODY CARES. They’ll still watch. These people are straight up, no-fooling RETARDS. They’re going to watch no matter what you say or do. You’re not fooling anybody with this shit. They’re watching because they want to jerk off to a woman playing a video game. That’s their thing. They don’t care if you’re actually into it or not.
I’ve given this example before. It’s like porn for these people. When you’re watching porn, you don’t care if the woman is actually a qualified nurse. You just go along with the fantasy.
“Unless there’s something that I really want that’s cool…then maybe.”
So no. The answer is no, Erin. You will not be buying more Masters of the Universe figures. Why can’t you just say it? Unless you’re planning on making another Youtube video of the figures, you’re not going to buy any more.
Speaking of toys, what’s with Pegwarmers? It’s unwatchable now. The guy lost the podcast studio because all of the other Screenwave podcasts that used it, ceased to be. So now he’s just streaming from his home and it’s…bad. Bad audio. Bad everything.
He promised that he would still have guests but it would invariably done by Skype. I don’t want to watch that. The bad Skype audio and video.
This guy needs to invest in a table and some audio and/or video equipment. Then just do the videos from his fucking basement, as he is doing, but of watchable quality. If you have too much shit to have a decent setup, get rid of it. Sell some toys and invest the money in a table and equipment.
Anyway, back to super gamer grrl cum He-Man fan Erin Plays. She’s not going to beat this on this first attempt of the day. And I don’t want to watch any more. So I’m just going to skip to the end.
1:44:45 – Oh. Erin’s mouth is agape. ShiShi is cumming. Target practice for that retard. He’s imagining jizzing her mouth, in case I was being too subtle.
“I thought that there would be more of an ending.”
Then she starts rubbing her hands.
“I was getting nervous because, like, my hands were hurting and I don’t think that I can do another…another round of continues tonight.”
Uh huh. And here we get the fake carpal tunnel syndrome. Everything is a lie with Erin. Why can’t she be honest about anything?
1:46:15 – “Yeah, I’m going to try to beat it again.”
Why? If you just like the game, play it in your spare time. There’s no reason, whatsoever, to subject the horntards to this game any more. What’s going to be any different? It’s the same fucking game.
“Not tonight because I need to rest my hands but maybe tomorrow or the next day. Because I want to get good.”
Yeah. Fine. Get good in your spare time. Not on stream, for money.
How many hours would it take to get good at this game? Hundreds, right? She’s going to play this for hundreds of hours, on stream, for money? The horntards are going to riot. They’ll watch just about anything but there’s a limit. This is crossing the line.
1:47:45 – She’s at the end screen. The credits have rolled. And now the word “End” is on the screen. And she keeps saying, “What’s going to happen? I’m nervous.”
NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN, YOU MORON. YOU CAN’T SEE THE GIANT WORD “END” ON THE SCREEN? THAT MEANS THAT THE GAME IS OVER.
1:49:15 – Then there’s an edit. And she says, “Sorry for the short stream but I will come back and we’ll try to beat it again. Because I’m addicted right now. So I hope you guys aren’t tired of it. I don’t think — I feel like Castlevania and Splatterhouse, I just don’t get tired of it. And I feel like you guys are my people and you also don’t get tired of those two games. So it’s all good. I also want to play Vampire Survivors again because I haven’t played it in over a month and for a while I was playing it a little too much because it’s so addicting and I like it.”
Uh huh. She’s “addicted”. Can’t stop playing these same three games over and over and over again. That’s fine. That’s how it is with anyone. You play a game for a while, then you play something else, then you might come back to that game later.
But this is if you’re playing these games in your spare time. On Twitch, the idea is to play games that OTHER PEOPLE want to watch. You don’t just beat the same three games into the ground. People are sick of this shit. Even the retards who watch Erin’s videos.
There are, obviously, streamers who only play one game. But do you want to watch this over and over again? Erin, who sucks at video games, playing Splatterhouse and Castlevania and Vampire Survivor ad nauseum?
I believe that the people who only stream one game tend to be playing online first or third person shooters. Or at least they’re playing some online game, against other people. So you’re getting something different every time. Can this guy beat the other people?
They’re not playing 30 year old linear games. Poorly. And Splatterhouse sucks dick. It’s a bad game.
I guess that Erin just doesn’t want her $3,000/year. She’s just going to throw her “career” away.
So then what is she going to do? Get a job at Auto Zone? I’d be the first person there returning a crate of windshield washing fluid. Blue windshield washing fluid, like they had in the 1990s. And if she gave me any attitude, I’d ask to speak to the manager. And the manager would be Newt Wallen. And he would not resolve things to my satisfaction. So I’d write an angry email to corporate headquarters and they’d offer me a canned apology and a $25 gift card.
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Knock at the Cabin Review – Newt Wallen
Oh, Newt is reviewing a horror movie. What a shocking turn of events this is.
He’s with PVC Bondage Girl. In his car.
0:30 – Newt says that they went to a “movie tavern”.
Oh. That’s the name of the cinema. The Movie Tavern in Exton, Pennsylvania. It just looks like a regular cinema. No tavern.
I’m reading some reviews. It seems like there’s a place to get alcoholic drinks inside of the cinema but outside of the actual screening room. Who cares? I’ve seen places like this in the UK. This must be a novel thing in the US.
1:15 – Newt had a pulled pork sandwich and whiskey. PVC Bondage Girl had a quesadilla.
Can you drink in the actual screening room? It seems to be. Yeah, you couldn’t do that stuff in movie theatres in the US twenty years ago. I don’t think. But of course you can do it in the UK. So a win for American alcoholics who can’t even see a movie without getting drunk.
What’s the appeal in getting drunk while watching a movie? You need to stay focused. Well, I guess that it could help with dating situations. Might get the courage to touch a boob or a thigh or something. And if the woman is also drinking, her inhibitions might be lower.
Is this what was happening here? Newt was rubbing on PVC Bondage Girl’s boobs while they were both drunk? It can’t be because we’ve recently discovered that Newt is gay. He shows his penis to other men.
Although, we also learned that PVC Bondage Girl is in fact a man. “Transmasc” as she likes to say. So…yeah. It all makes sense. These are two gay dudes going to the cinema. And one of the gay dudes touched the other gay dude’s boobs while they were both drunk.
2:15 – “The basic conceit of this movie is a gay couple.” Then Newt points to himself and PVC Bondage Girl. So…yeah. This is a homosexual couple. Two horny men.
3:00 – PVC Bondage Girl takes her jacket off. Whoa. Look at the melons on that guy.
Isn’t it cold in Pennsylvania in early February? PVC Bondage Girl is wearing a little dress. I guess. Or a sleeveless top of some description. What a weird thing for a man to wear in any weather but especially in fucking winter in rural Pennsylvania.
You can see PVC Bondage Girl’s bra as well. Not just the strap but also the top of her bra. This is…this is very strange attire for a man. But whatever. I’m not here to judge. We’re living in modern times.
6:00 – PVC Bondage Girl tells a story about how when she was a little boy, she would catch insects. She goes into some detail about how she had a “tunnel system” to capture them.
Newt doesn’t give the slightest of fucks. So he immediately changes the subject. Newt only wants to talk about Newt.
So I made it to 15 minutes. That’s about half of the video. I think I can safely stop here. They’re just going to continue to summarise the movie.
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Erin Likes Blue
Why is she so interested in colours? It’s one of the few genuine interests that she has. Colours. Like a fucking toddler.
I know that women are interested in colours but not like this. Not to the point where they have regular full on conversations about various hues. It’s fucking retarded.
How are we supposed to contribute to this conversation? “Oh, I like blue too. I like a different shade of blue. I like periwinkle.”.
What are the comments? What can anyone possibly say to this?
- “Everyone had one of these.” and he posts a picture of a children’s toy telephone.
I didn’t have one. I wasn’t a child. Not everybody was a child in 2000. Even if they were, not everybody had this particular toy telephone. That’s a ridiculous comment.
But Erin replies, “Yup! I had a lime green one.”
First of all, I’m astonished that Erin had this thing. She almost never says that she had something.
But secondly, she had a lime green. Lime green. It’s important that you know that it was lime green. Not just green. Lime green. Lime green is slightly lighter than regular green. Erin wants you to know this. For whatever reason, Erin thinks that this is important information to convey to the internet. We need to know the precise hue that her childhood toy was.
- “Wow I remember this color so specifically too! This takes me back”
That post was from one of the few women who go to Erin’s Twitter. And she was really excited to hear about blue. She’s *nostalgic* for blue. It takes her back to her childhood days when blue existed.
Well, I have good news for you, RedAux (that’s her name). Blue still exists. And red. All of the colours from your childhood are still alive and well today.
These things have been around forever. Since the dawn of time. There are no new colours. There are no extinct colours.
Oh. RedAux has a Tiwtch channel. That’s why she’s on Erin’s Twitter. She’s just there to promote her shit.
https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1727250527
She plays the piano, on stream, for money. Well, it’s something different, at least. Something that she’s, presumably, actually interested in.
Oh, but it seems to be video game music that she plays. That’s lame. She has to try to appeal to the horntards. You’re telling me that horntards can’t appreciate classical music? It’s supposed to raise your intelligence. Those people need all of the extra intelligence they can get.
If I was retarded, I would do nothing but listen to classical music. Try to bump that intelligence up a bit. “Another three years of this and maybe I’ll be able to tie my own shoes.”
There’s another reply from Erin. Remember bath oil beads? They sure were colourful. Look at all of them.
How is this even a tiny bit interesting to anyone? I don’t get it.
And you have Mike listening to this braindead shit 24/7. And he’s PAYING to listen to that. He’s showering Erin with gifts and regular trips to California to listen to that banal bullshit. He doesn’t have a fucking clue how to be a sugar daddy. You don’t pay for this fucking shit.
Fucking blue. She’s a complete moron.
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More Shit Jobs that I had in England
I’m going to try to confine this to jobs that I had during my time of living in Wembley but it’s hard to figure out. I refreshed my memory by looking at an old resume but I always fudged the dates hard on my resume so I don’t know what the true dates are. I’d only work at a place for like a month and I’d put that I worked there for six months. Shit like this.
The last job that I talked about was the overnight shift data entry job in a warehouse.
By this point, I was specifically looking for data entry jobs because I was sick of hearing, “You’re too quiet and won’t fit in.” I sent literally thousands of resumes out and went on hundreds of job interviews and I would hear this same exact phrase over and over and over again.
I never had this problem in the US. Not once. I was at least as withdrawn in the US if not more so but it was never an issue. Certainly not in terms of finding work. What difference does it make if somebody is quiet or not? This is a job. Not a popularity contest.
I think that it just comes down to people in the US being more accepting of others. In the UK, employers, and I have to assume people in general are looking for something very specific. And if you’re not what they have in mind, you’re not getting the job.
What other biases do they have? Racial? Religious? Nationality? Who knows? But they were very comfortable telling me that they’re not giving me the job because I’m too quiet and wouldn’t fit in. No fucking way would any employer in the US say this, even if it was an issue, which it isn’t (at least in my experience).
I’ve had jobs in the US and somebody will make an offhand comment about me not saying much, and other people would stand up for me. “That’s just how he is. There’s nothing wrong with it.” Much more open-minded people.
So I got this data entry job. It was during the day, normal hours, so that was a big improvement. And it was in central London. I don’t remember how I got the job. Maybe through an agency but I’m not sure.
It was a telemarketing company or something. I don’t know exactly what the company at large did but in the department I was working in, people were making phone calls to “government and business leaders” and asking them how they enjoy British Telecom’s various services. This company presumably had some contract with BT, which is the main phone and internet company in the UK.
They were also making other types of calls. A lot of the calls weren’t in English. There were people who spoke Spanish and French and whatever. I don’t know who they were calling.
My job was to listen to these recorded calls and transcribe what was being said. I think. That seems like it would take a long time. But I was definitely listening to the calls so that’s probably what it was.
I was the only one doing this. Everyone else was a telemarketer or whatever the term would be. There were 20 or 30 people making these calls, I would guess.
The boss was an asshole. He was maybe in his late 20s. I think an English guy. I don’t think that he was white but I don’t know what he was. Middle Eastern? Mixed race? I don’t know.
He never really gave me any problems, that I can remember, but he was a dick. There was a Spanish guy who had some issue (I don’t remember what but it wasn’t anything unreasonable) and this boss yelled at him like, “Just do your job” and threatened to fire him. Then that guy just sat there for a few minutes, obviously contemplating whether or not he should leave, but he must have really needed the job because he stayed.
Then there was a woman in her 50s, I’d guess, who made a jokey comment about the work being difficult and this boss said, “Well, that’s your job” in an insulting fashion.
So I did this job for a month, maybe two months. Towards the end, they had some of the telemarketers help with the work and they also hired a woman to help with this. There was a deadline to finish these things.
I was the only one who knew how to type. I was blowing everyone away. There was no problem with my work. Everybody was happy with the work, even this giant asshole of a boss.
Then the job came to an end. We finished all of this work. And that was it.
They asked this woman who they hired late in the day to help with this work if she wanted to work as a telemarketer. And she agreed to this. They didn’t ask me. I wouldn’t want to do that kind of work anyway but it’s yet another example of this being too quiet and not fitting in issue.
Then I got a job cleaning schools. This was through an agency. The agency was right near to where I lived. The agent really stressed the need to have good stamina, as though mopping a floor requires particularly good stamina.
So I went to this school. It was at night. There was a boss and two or three other people also on this cleaning crew. Everybody was black except me. I believe that they were all immigrants. There were two women from the Caribbean and an African guy.
We’re given different areas that we have to clean. It was just mopping, from what I recall.
One of the teachers was in the school for some reason. It was a black English woman. And she complains about my mop. “It looks like that was used to mop the toilets.”
Well, it is used to mop the toilets but what real difference does it make? It’s cleaned. And people aren’t pissing on the floor.
So she tells me not to clean her classroom. Fine. What the fuck do I care? But she was a giant bitch. So then she complains to my boss. “I don’t want him cleaning my classroom. That mop looks like it was used to clean the toilets.”
By the way, people in England say “toilets” when they mean “bathroom”. She wasn’t suggesting that I was cleaning the actual commodes with the mop. Just the bathroom floor. Which I was. It’s what I was told to do. There aren’t separate mops for the bathrooms. Fuck you.
But this bitch wanted to get me fired and/or this boss lady. And for what? I’m cleaning the floor. She has an issue with the mop so she tells me not to clean her room. So fine. I didn’t. The issue is resolved. But she wanted to cause problems.
Anyway, I didn’t go back. I think that I only did the job for one day. Maybe two. So maybe there was a problem. Maybe they asked the agency not to send me back. But I got along with everyone just fine. Except for that bitch teacher, who shouldn’t have even been in the school.
I was also working as a teaching assistant and exam invigilator throughout all of this, very sporadically. I’d usually do one day and they wouldn’t ask me back. This was for teaching assistant jobs. I never went to a teaching assistant job for more than one day.
Then I got a job at a shipping company. I don’t know the term. An independent shipping company, similar to the US Mail or Royal Mail or whatever but a private company. Like UPS or something but nowhere near that level. I never even heard of this company. This was a job through an agency, of course. The same agency who sent me to the school for the cleaning job, so they couldn’t have got particularly bad feedback.
This was around Christmas. They needed more people to help load the trucks. So the boss shows me around the facility. Sorting machines and whatnot. Mildly interesting. Then we get to the conveyor belt that has all of the packages on it. This is where I was going to be working.
The boss was in his late 30s, I guess. He was a white English guy. And he was friendly. He asked me about the US and how I’m finding England and shit like this.
There were different roles in this conveyor belt operation. There were like eight people working there. Different parts of the conveyor belt had different jobs.
I started by loading the conveyor belt with packages. We had a big thing of packages and I had to put them on the conveyor belt. I did that for a while. Then I went to the end of the conveyor belt and took the packages off. I did that for a while. No problem.
Then this boss left. He went home. A new boss came in. He was some old English white guy. Maybe five foot two. He tells me to go to the section where you have to load the trucks.
There’s a giant, cavernous truck. And what you need to do here is hurl the packages like 20 feet in the air so that you fill the truck completely full with packages. And the packages weighed up to 25 pounds.
I’m not some muscle man by any means. I’m a slim guy. I can’t fucking do this. I tried. But after about 30 minutes, it was obvious that I physically could not hurl these packages the distance that was required.
So I go to this old boss.
Me: I can’t throw these packages.
Boss: What do you mean you can’t throw them?
Me: Just physically. I can’t do it.
Boss: Oh.
Me: So…can I go to a different part of the conveyor?
Boss: What if everybody said they don’t like to throw the packages?
Me: I’m here as a temp. I physically can’t throw the packages. So what do you want me to do? Quit?
Boss: I don’t know. That’s for you to decide.
So I left.
Next day, I’m speaking to the agent. He asks me how it went. I tell him. He says, “Did you ask to go to a different part of the conveyor?” I said that I did.
So this agent agrees that I did the right thing and that little boss was just an asshole but I never heard from this agency again. At least I got two jobs out of them. Usually, I’d just get one. At best.
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WTF Wednesday Review: The Blob (1988) – Newt Wallen
I want to know who these people are, if any, who are watching a 90 minute video of Newt Wallen reviewing an old movie in his kitchen. Give us the analytics, Ideas Man. What percentage of the viewers are watching this video all the way through? Is it more than zero?
Nobody can possibly be interested in this. Two people with serious mental health problems talking about the 1980s version of The Blob. For ninety fucking minutes.
So…fuck. I’ll give it the usual ten minutes and then see where we go from there. That’s how long the whole video should be. Ten minutes. We don’t need a feature film length movie review. It’s ridiculous. And they’re not even going to fucking review anything. They’re just going to summarise the movie and Newt is going to occasionally interject with some fucking creepy comment about tits or whatever.
0:00 – PVC Bondage Girl is wearing a necklace that has a bunch of zippers on it. I only mention it because I saw some horntard in the comments talk about this.
Now she’s brushing her hair. Why? Why is she brushing her hair? In Newt kitchen, especially. I know that he doesn’t cook. He has fucking toys on his stovetop. But still, he presumably eats there. They’re sitting at a table.
In any event, why would she need to brush her hair now? While making a video? She has some urgent tangles?
1:00 – Put some clothes on, PVC Bondage Girl. What the fuck is this. Whatever she’s wearing, it’s extremely low cut.
By the way, I’m at 2:30 and I have no idea what they’re talking about. I’ve already tuned out. We’re supposed to watch this for an hour and a half.
Oh. It’s a discussion about practical effects versus CGI. They’re really breaking new ground with this discussion. They prefer practical effects, by the way. Great.
Where are the vociferous CGI supporters? I’ve never seen one.
7:30 – PVC Bondage Girl is drinking from a tiny cup. What is this? Is she taking her medication?
8:15 – I hear clinking as PVC Bondage Girl is manipulating an off-screen bottle, presumably. So maybe she’s taking shots of vodka or something.
PVC Bondage Girl wasn’t sure if she saw the 1950s The Blob or the 1980s version. How is it possible?
11:00 – Newt says, “All white people kind of look the same.” I don’t know if he’s referencing his casual anti-white comments or if this was a serious comment.
13:45 – Newt prompts PVC Bondage Girl to tell some creepy story about purchasing condoms.
14:15 – Talking about the various terms for “submarine sandwich” has led Newt to mention Grindr, the app for homosexual dating. So PVC Bondage Girl says, “Even though I consider myself transmas (???) I’d feel disingenuous posting on it.”
Well no fucking shit. It’s an app for GAY MEN. Not women who look slightly masculine.
There would be fucking gay dudes on there, swiping away, they’re looking for somebody to have sex in a public toilet of something, nothing wrong with that, you do your thing, and then they’d get to PVC Bondage Girl’s profile. What the fuck? I’m here for HOT DUDES. Not women who kind of look like men.
It’s fucking ridiculous. “Tranmas”. I don’t even know what she was fucking saying.
Oh. I looked it up. “Transmasc”. Short for “transmasculine.” What’s “transmasculine”? I don’t know. Let’s find out together from the Nonbinary Wiki. Probably my favourite site.
“Transmasculine, sometimes abbreviated to transmasc, is an umbrella term that describes a transgender person (generally one who was assigned female at birth), and whose gender is masculine and/or who express themselves in a masculine way. Transmasculine people feel a connection with masculinity, but do not always identify as a man.”
So…a woman who…is a little masculine? Why would you need a name for that? We already have a term for that. “Female sports fans.”
She actually considered going on Grindr because she enjoys watching basketball. How fucking absurd is this? Those guys are looking to suck cock. Not watch a hockey game with some crazy woman.
Anyway, back to this creep story that Newt encouraged PVC Bondage Girl to tell. They were in Wawa ordering sandwiches and some guy asked for extra small condoms. That’s the story.
15:00 – PVC Bondage Girl says, “I want to make it clear that I’m not in any way shaming any size.”
What’s the point of the story otherwise? If the punchline isn’t, “Hey, that guy had a small penis”, there is no point to the story. It’s just a story about a man buying a condom. Who cares?
Then Newt reminds PVC Bondage Girl of a conversation that they had about men who enjoy being humiliated for having small penises and PVC Bondage Girl lights up and gives the name of this particular fetish (I can’t understand what she said) and that she’s really into it, apparently.
15:15 – I…what? I have to type this out.
Newt: I had to recently prove myself to some of my Youtube friends.
PVC: What do you mean?
Newt: They said that I didn’t have what I said I had.
PVC: Why does anybody care?
Newt: I don’t know. So I showed —
PVC: Did they also say that it was aesthetically pleasing?
Newt: They did, actually.
PVC: No. Bullshit.
Newt: No, no. They were all very impressed and then some were a little bit upset. So 8 Bit Eric and Gamesack and RGT and The GameChasers, and all of those guys were like, “Fuck. Newt’s got a big dick.”
What? Newt has not only come out of the closet with this comment, but he’s also outed a number of popular Youtubers. Why are they showing their penises to each other? No heterosexual man does that.
Joe from Gamesack is looking at Newt’s cock? And apparently asking to see it? This is something that interests him?
I don’t really know the other people. Let me look them up.
Oh yeah. 8 Bit Eric is definitely gay. Beard, fat, soprano voice. He’s a bear.
RGT 85, same deal.
The Game Chasers. I don’t know. They seem pretty camp from the two seconds of footage that I’ve watched.
So yeah. These are a bunch of gay “Youtubers” looking at each other’s penises. This is what apparently goes on. And Newt just mentions this like it’s normal. No. It’s fine to be gay. You do you. But I don’t think that those people want to be outed like this. In a fucking Youtube video in Newt’s kitchen.
16:45 – PVC Bondage Girl implies that she used to work at a place called Adult World, that sold condoms. Some sex shop, presumably.
18:45 – Now PVC Bondage Girl is, inexplicably, doing a TED talk on “pegging”. This is putting stuff in your ass. I mean…what is this? I guess that this is a channel for homosexual men? I probably should have guessed when I saw that there were so many men in dresses leaving comments on Newt’s Twitter. Maybe I’m just a little slow on the uptake.
Okay. So I made it to 20 minutes. They’re finally talking about the movie again. Summarising it. Great. That’s enough for me.
Let’s check out the comments, I guess.
- “Newt is packing a 10-inch hog!!! width is 1.5 inches!! It was really newt and not the matei rumors that were going around”
That was from “Horn Dog”. I’ve quoted his comments a few times. Must be some fucking faggot from Reddit who’s obsessed with Mike’s penis.
- “Nice, the video is back up! so the strike was removed!! Anothst win for the good guys!! Can’t wait to check it out now”
There are a few comments like this. Apparently, this video got removed. Somebody flagged it for copyright. Maybe it was one of the Youtubers who he so casually outed as being gay. That’s fucking outrageous. But whatever. Newt is seriously mentally ill.
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New years updates and the future of my channel – Cannot be Tamed
0:15 – She says that she hasn’t made many videos or streamed in December and January. It’s true. She gave up after some shitty video didn’t get as many views as she wanted.
0:45 – She took a trip to Belize and Guatemala.
1:00 – She shows a picture of her looking miserable at some Aztec ruins. Or maybe they’re not Aztec. Who knows?
Who’s operating the camera for this? Her dog? Maybe she brought a tripod with her. Or just propped the camera up somewhere.
She says that she did a lot of “caves and spelunking.” Uh huh. Pam is a real spelunker. Spelunking those Guatemalan caves.
1:10 – Whoa! Get your tissues ready for this one. Pam in a bikini.
She also “sipped on pineapple juice cocktails”. Uh huh. She’s a drunk.
Snorkelling was another “adventure” she had there.
Then she came back to Canada with four kilograms of heroin smuggled in her person.
Who the fuck goes to Belize and Guatemala? This is the most SJW vacation possible. “Oh, I love the indigenous culture” and then she spends all of her time in tourist areas, doing tourist shit, and drinking tourist alcoholic beverages.
1:30 – She went to Magfest. You know what would have been great? A picture of Pam aka CannotBeEntertaining with Crystal Quin aka Horseface McGee. Like that famous picture of Erin with Pam from some nerd convention.
Oh. She was only there for a few hours because she “got overwhelmed by the amount of people on the floor.” She’s paranoid about covid. I guess. Or does she suddenly just have a fear of crowds?
2:45 – Shoot oot to Point and Drink Adventure, Pam’s AWFUL podcast with her lesbian bff Pele.
I should have mentioned that Pam is wearing a shirt that says, “Emotionally Unavailable.”
4:15 – “Finally, I just wanted to give a bit of an update on sort of the direction or the future of my channel. I’m not going anywhere, really. I’m not quitting Youtube.”
Fuck.
“But I have really enjoyed this little break that I’ve taken.”
Well, no. This could be good news. “All good tv shows take a break.” You know what that means. This shit is over.
She says that she’s been making three or four videos a month for the past eight years.
6:15 – Now Pam is showing some video games that she recently purchased. We can safely skip this.
8:30 – Shoot oot to her life partner.
Then she finishes the video by talking about games that she’s been playing. I don’t care.
Comments.
- “Why do you look better with each video?”
Maybe glaucoma. See a doctor.
- “Hi Pam, I’m a NYer that’s a huge fan of you and your Channel. Anyway, I’ve been playing Elemental Gimmick Gear (EGG) for the Sega Dreamcast. Fun game with fantastic music. Have you ever played it?”
Yo yo yo. Imma New Yorker.
Who gives a fuck? What are we even supposed to take from this? He’s from New York so…he likes old Dreamcast games? What does New York have to do with anything?
I’ve known a few people from New York. They’re assholes. Is this what you’re promoting? “Yo yo yo. I’m an asshole.” Just a warning for people, I guess.
Yo yo yo. Where my cream cheese and bagels at?
They’re up your ass, faggot.
You don’t get this from people from anywhere else in the world. Nobody says, “I’m a Dallas guy” or “I’m a Copenhagener” or “I’m a La Pazinite” but for some reason we’re supposed to give a shit that somebody is from New York. People from New York think that we’re going to be impressed with this. No. Fuck New York and fuck you.
Anyway, is it too premature to post this:
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This small SWAP MEET in Moses Lake felt like 2004 all over again – John Riggs
God, this guy has really gained weight. Maybe it’s just more noticeable because he got a haircut. He’s not sporting that god awful skullet any more. He must literally weigh 400 pounds.
He’s in Moses Lake. He mentions this several times like we’re all familiar with Moses Lake. You guys know Moses Lake, right?
No. I’ve never even heard of it before.
Population: 25,000. Fuck you, Horny John Riggs. Expecting people to know some fucking small town.
He brought his children. I think. His sons/daughters. As a reminder, two of his sons are actually daughters. It’s a giant red flag of horrible, horrible parenting.
If it was just one, okay, we can maybe overlook it. Maybe it’s just some fluke mental illness with no particular explanation. But two? No. That’s clear abuse and/or neglect.
1:00 – Oh, John Riggs is eating a doughnut now. Want to get to 500 pounds, Mr Riggs? Is that the goal now? Don’t worry about your poor daughter in the background. Just keep stuffing your fat face with confectionary.
1:30 – Here’s Jeff Collins. He’s the organizer of this event. He’s about 500 pounds.
I don’t get it. What’s going on in the US? I’m trying to think about how many fat people I’ve seen in the US. I left the country 20 years ago. I saw some. Some people were fat. But fucking 400 or 500 pound people? Rarely. Extremely rarely.
But you look at videos from these nerd conventions and it’s FULL of 400+ pounders. A lot of these “gaming” “Youtubers” are big, fat, motherfuckers. Is this a representative sample of the current state of the US or is just that fat people are attracted to nerd shit like video games?
You see fat people in the UK too, of course, but…I don’t know. Is it more or less than what I’ve seen in the US? I never did any kind of statistical study on this.
But I don’t see people who are over 400 pounds in the UK. I can’t think of any, certainly. It would be noteworthy. I’d remember it. But I have seen such people in the US. Not often but sometimes.
I had a neighbour who had a couple of young children with her husband. She was regularly dieting. I got the impression that she was overweight as a child. Her children were both overweight. But she was fairly slim at the time.
Then she got divorced and ballooned to easily 400 pounds. And she became a lesbian. Because what man is interested in a 400 pound woman? And she got a girlfriend who was also about 400 pounds. And they were in our home, sitting on our sofa, and…god. How did that sofa possibly support that much weight?
I’m trying to think of any time I’ve seen somebody like that in the UK. I’ve seen 300 pounders. Not often but it happens. But 400 pounds? Fuck no.
I’ve never been on a bus or a train, for example, in the UK, where some fat fuck is taking up two seats. And I take trains most every day. It’s never even been like somebody is sitting next to you and their girth is unpleasantly intruding on your space.
Does it happen in the US? I don’t know. I didn’t take public transportation there. But you look at the size of John Riggs or any of these people who I’m talking about, they clearly could not fit into one seat.
I’m assuming that they drive. Anyway. Let’s continue the video.
5:30 – John Riggs is talking to another 400+ pound guy.
Then immediately after that, there’s a couple of 400+ pound guys behind a booth, selling shit.
6:00 – There’s a 400 pound…woman(?) rubbing her giant belly. It might be a man with long hair.
So that’s the video. John Riggs didn’t really show his children. That’s a good thing. They’ve suffered enough. Don’t put them in your shitty Youtube videos.
Let me look for the average weight in the US over time.
https://news.gallup.com/poll/328241/americans-average-weight-holds-steady-2020.aspx
The average weight of an American man today is 200 pounds. That’s a big, fat guy. And that’s the average weight.
I’ve lost 15 pounds since I started this one meal a day thing in November. This is what I weighed when I was in college. And I’ve never been remotely overweight.
What are these people doing to amass so much weight? Well, you see from John Riggs’ videos that he’s CONSTANTLY eating. That has to be a factor. That has to be basically the only factor. I also assume that he’s not getting any exercise but I’m not getting much exercise either. It’s just constant eating. That’s how you get to 400 pounds.
You look at fucking Mike Matei. He’s probably 200+ pounds now. And five years ago, he was probably 150 pounds. What happened? I think that it was around the time that he got with Erin. Or was he already down that path before he got with Erin? I’m not sure.
I don’t think that Erin is cooking anything. I think that they just eat takeaway for every meal. But then why isn’t Erin getting fucking huge? For a while, she was gaining weight but she seems to have lost it. She also talks about working out once in a while. So maybe that’s the difference. Erin works out and Mike doesn’t.
They should work out together. And be each other’s weight loss buddy. They could finally have something in common. Something that they could bond over. Strengthen this obviously loving relationship that they have.
They have all the time in the world to work on their weight loss goals. Neither one of them has a job. Start doing some sit ups. Or what about doing some Mousercise? The videos are on Youtube. From 1983, so this was Mike’s era. According to Mike. He was three years old at the time. They like Disney. And retro shit. Erin in particular enjoys retro shit from before she was born. So this is right up their alley.