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  • Colossal Cave (2023) Review – Classic Sierra game? Not quite – Metal Jesus Rocks

    I haven’t watched this guy’s videos in fucking years. I tuned out around the time of that proposed RV trip that was begging money for. He was also shilling hard for Patreon after that. Fuck this. Also, his content just wasn’t interesting any more. It’s all so formulaic. Hidden gems and whatnot. How many hidden gems can there possibly be?

    So he’s reviewing a game. That’s…new for him. As far as I’m aware.

    The game is made by Roberta Williams, the woman who co-developed the King’s Quest games, along with her husband. I’m always dubious on husband and wife video game developing. How much work is each party actually doing? To be blunt, is the woman actually interested in video games and engaged and knows how to program or is this really all the husband’s work and the wife is just along for the ride?

    1:00 – “Before we get started, I do want to address that a review like this for me is a bit tricky because I’m grateful to call Ken and Roberta friends and also I worked for them at Sierra in the 90s.”

    And there’s video of Metal Jesus hanging out with the Williams family. HE’S HUGE! What the fuck happened? I heard that this guy went into a restaurant and ate all the food in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.

    Aside from the obesity epidemic in the US, it’s fucking pathetic how Metal Jesus claims that he worked at Sierra. He worked on the hint line telephone network. So some kid would call in and ask, “Where’s the wizard’s magic wand in King’s Quest III” and Metal Jesus would look up the answer and say, “Well, it’s on top of the safe in his study, of course.”

    Then when the phone bill comes, that kid would get beat for calling this $3.99/minute hint line.

    But Metal Jesus never says this. Well, he must have done at some point. How else would I know about it? But in general terms, he just says that he, “Worked at Sierra”. He’s obviously implying that he worked on the games. No. He was answering the fucking scam hint line.

    And how long did he even work there? It would be pathetic to work a hint line for years. What other jobs has he had? I have a hazy memory that he also worked in retail. I could be wrong. I’d like to see his full resume.

    So I’ve watched the video now. Basically, he says that the game sucks dick. And this is a game that he says he gave feedback to during the early development and he gets a “thanks” credit in the game, ala Kieran in the AVGN videos.

    I don’t think that he’ll be invited back to the Williams home any time soon.

    His complaints do seem valid, though. Puzzles that don’t make sense. Lack of a story. I guess that this is how the original game was but this isn’t 1976 any more.

    New games from former Sierra people always seem to be disappointing. There was Hero U from the people who made Quest for Glory. Another husband and wife team, as it happens. I never played it but from the reviews I read, it was okay at best. The reviews weren’t enough to get me interested and I was huge into the Quest for Glory series. Except for the fifth one. I never played that one because all of the reviews said that it’s shit.

    All of the Leisure Suit Larry games post-Sierra got mediocre, at best reviews. Although, I guess even the Sierra games in the series weren’t anything amazing.

    Didn’t the Space Quest guys release a game fairly recently too? Yeah. Space Venture. Released last year, after ten years in development. From the few reviews I’ve managed to find, it looks like it’s not good. I’ve never played any Space Quest game, by the way.

    What about Police Quest? Nobody’s tried to reboot that franchise. There’s all kinds of shit you can do with that concept. Social commentary.

    Why doesn’t somebody just use the old school, 16 colour graphics but update the games? Do something new with them. New story. New puzzles, obviously.

    I suppose that people have done this. Fan games. There are probably loads of these games. There’s Quest for Glory 4 1/2. I played that one a bit years ago. Was put off by the bizarre racism in the game.

    There was that fan project that converted Quest for Glory II into…whatever…VGA graphics and a mouse cursor. I played that for a bit too, years ago.

    Oh yeah. They used a program called Adventure Game Studio to make the game. And there appear to be loads of games on there.

    https://www.adventuregamestudio.co.uk/site/games/allgames/

    A full 27 pages of games. And people are still making the games. The most recent one is Super Star Trek (1978) meets 25th Anniversary. They took the 1978 Star Trek game (which I haven’t played) and put it into the 25th Anniversary game (which I have played). That’s cool. Well, obviously it isn’t. It’s only something a giant nerd would be interested in. But I find it cool.

    Here’s a great idea for a Youtube channel or a Twitch stream: just play these fucking games. We don’t need any more playthroughs of Escape from Monkey Island or whatever but play fucking Masquerade at the Con or Huggles Goes on a Trip or something. You’d be the only person with a video of this game. You’d quite possibly be the only person ever to have to played the game.

    If the games are bad, you have funny stuff to talk about. If the games are good, you have a genuinely hidden gem to talk about.

  • Taylor Swift – PARODY – We Are Never Ever Gonna Win With Andy – Newt Wallen

    Newt tweeted about this. As here:

    “EaglesNation vs #ChiefsKingdom #SuperBowlLVII remember that time I produced that music video that went #viral about then #philly coach #AndyReid for @SportsRadioWIP”

    You just need a few more hashtags and at symbols in there, Ideas Man.

    But do I remember? No. Of course not.

    So I watched the video. Then I watched the video that they’re parodying. As here:

    Warning: that Taylor Swift is EXTREMELY gay. I have no idea bow anybody can listen to that shit. I made it about halfway through and then skipped around.

    As for the parody video that Newt allegedly “produced” (whatever that even means) it seems to follow the source material quite closely. The woman looks like Taylor Swift. Whoever is singing sounds like Taylor Swift. So…that’s good, I guess.

    I think that Justin Silverman is playing the coach. And at the 1:05 mark, that’s Horseface, right? I think that they’re using at least three different women for the singer. Am I crazy? If this is right, it’s a bizarre artistic choice. Is this referencing something or could they just not get this first woman to film enough scenes?

    So what is this thing referencing? From a DuckDuckGo search, there was a coach for the Philadelphia Eagles gridiron team named Andy Reid. And apparently people were unhappy with his performance.

    God. Who cares? Who cares about local sports teams? Go team!

    I never got it. What always bothered me is that none of the people on the team are even from the area. If it was a team comprised of, say, people who were from Philadelphia taking on a team where the people were comprised from, say, people from Kansas City, I would get it. Somewhat, anyway.

    It would be like the Olympics, I guess. You’re supposed to have a strong connection to the country in order to represent that country in the Olympics. So I can see getting behind that. The nationalism. My country produces better speed skaters than your country, therefore my country is better than yours.

    But with these fucking “local” sports teams, you’re just cheering for billion dollar companies where the millionaire players are from where ever. So what’s the significance? The athletes probably don’t even like your town. They’re just there temporarily because they’re getting paid to play on the team. When they get transferred, they’ll happily move and never return. They spit on your shitty town.

    And sports are supposed to be like the ultimate heterosexual male activity. No. No fucking way. It’s the complete opposite. Sports are fucking gay. All of them. Man on man action? No, thanks. It’s deeply homoerotic. A bunch of sweaty young men, often in little short pants, trying to impose their will on other men. Okay, you boys can you enjoy that stuff. I’m going to spend some time with the ladies instead.

    Also, they’re just stupid and totally meaningless. I don’t think that I have to rehearse the whole list of reasons why professional sports are a cancer on society. I think that we all know the reasons.

    Anyway, Newt is taking credit for this video. What exactly did he do? He says that he was the “producer”. What a producer do? Let me look this up.

    “They are the overall decision makers. Producers will come up with story ideas and hire writers or choose and secure rights to scripts.”

    So…Newt hired somebody to write the song. I guess. That’s it? He wants to get credit for that?

    You’re missing out, Newt, but not because of your fast food choices.

    Holy shit. They do have Popeyes in the UK. Mostly in London. It won’t be the same, though. It never is. There’s different ingredients or something.

    I might have had Popeyes a few times when I was a kid but I don’t remember much about it. I didn’t like fried chicken. I still don’t. It’s fucking gross. Biting into veins and whatnot.

    I had a chicken wrap today from a diner. I don’t mind chicken in wrap form. I was the only person in that place. Chicken wrap, fries, and a can of Coke for like £6. It’s about what you’d pay at a fast food place, if not less. And I’m helping a local businessman. A mom and pop operation. Not lining the pockets of some multinational corporation.

    I went to another diner a couple of weeks ago. Again, I was the only one there. Really limited menu. But I got a hamburger, fries, and a can of soda for £5.50. They asked if I wanted any sauce. I said, “Yeah, ketchup please.” And they brought a big industrial-sized bottle of Heinz ketchup. I thought it was a little weird. You expect one of those little red bottles or something but no. But whatever. It worked.

    At another diner, a guy came in and started asking the proprietor how large his chicken breasts are. He was told to get out. They started yelling and shit. And the guy asking this was probably in his 50s. It wasn’t some kid trying to be funny.

    And these places will cook whatever you want. I always just go off the menu, but sometimes they’ll encourage me to go nuts. “Whatever you want, I’ll make it.” This is service. You don’t get this from fast food places.

    Fast food places are always full of scumbags too. Who needs it? You go to an independent place and the food is better, the ambiance is better, the price is comparable, and you’re supporting local business. What’s not to like? I haven’t been to a McDonalds or Burger King or whatever in fucking ten years.

  • Mint Salad Saw The Breakfast Club (MOVIE REVIEW)

    0:00 – She says that this movie was requested by some horntard on one of her “spicy sites”.

    It’s Fansly. Let me warn you that there’s a picture of MintSalad’s bare breasts on there now. Holy shit. This woman…come on. She should not be doing porn. I’m sorry. She has a normal body, I’m not here to body shame anyone, but this is not what we want when we’re looking for porn. When you’re looking at porn, you want HOT CHICKS with GREAT bodies. That’s just the reality. Not some fucking chubby meth addict. I didn’t even know it was possible to be a chubby meth addict, but here we are.

    She seems to still be banned from Twitter. So at least there’s that.

    But back to this porn business. I don’t like that there are absolutely no standards in porn any more. Any fat chick or horse-faced woman can and will go out and do porn. Why? And who’s buying this shit?

    Obviously, you’re not a bad person if you don’t have a great body. I’m just saying, don’t do porn. You can still have sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever combination, with as many people as you want, but just keep it off of the internet. Is that so difficult?

    You need to find what you’re good at. Porn isn’t for everybody. And why is porn aspirational anyway? Just go get a normal job like a normal person. Why demean yourself? And for pennies. These bottom-feeders aren’t making much money on OnlyFans or Fansly or whatever.

    At the very least can you put some effort into it? Start eating right and working out. A lot of these women seem to be taking pictures right after they ate a bucket of fried chicken. That’s not body-positivity, that’s delusion. That’s entitlement. You think that people want to see you naked no matter what you look like. No. Fucking retards maybe, but a normal-functioning person? No.

    So anyway, some middle aged retarded man who’s inexplicably paying to see MintSalad naked wanted her to review The Breakfast Club. And I’ve seen the movie. So let’s watch the video. What insights is MintSalad going to have?

    0:30 – She’s summarising the movie. That’s what this is going to be. The Tony from Hack the Movies School of Movie Reviews.

    There’s loud music playing over all of this. People in the comments complain about it. Some guy named Cranberry Dave claims responsibility for this.

    He’s a self-proclaimed legendary hip-hop producer. Uh huh. Anime banner. It’s just some giant nerd who’s editing MintSalad’s videos for free.

    She keeps talking about “silly salad”. I don’t know what this is a reference to. Marijuana? I haven’t seen the movie in years.

    So she liked the movie. 7.9/10.

    This was bad. It was a bad video. But I watched it. All of it. That’s more than I can say for the dreck that Tony from Hack the Movies releases. This was like a 16 minute video. I can’t watch 16 minutes of Tony’s shit. Same with Newt. Newt and Tony make absolutely unwatchable videos.

    So this Mint Salad video was bad but not unwatchable. It probably helped that I saw the movie. Also, the fact that it wasn’t some horror piece of shit.

  • Polish Roommate and Date with a Drunken Chinese-American Woman

    I was living with these Sri Lankan guys in Wembley. I mentioned that when I moved in, there was an empty room. That room was filled by an Indian guy. A gay Indian guy.

    He was a creep. He would come on to me. I clearly expressed zero interest but he would persist. He worked as a nurse.

    My roommate went back to Sri Lanka. So they found a replacement roommate. This guy was from Poland. He was doing something in IT. He was in his mid 20s, I guess.

    He was fine. I guess. He was always awkwardly looking for a girlfriend, though. It was uncomfortable. I went to a clothing shop with him. It was Primark. Primark sells heavily discounted clothes. It’s where very poor people go. I bought a belt from there for £1. That belt lasted for like ten years. It was the best £1 that I ever spent. But still, the store was for completely impoverished people.

    So we go to the store, he’s looking for like a summer jacket. He tries one on and then he asks the totally disinterested South Asian staff member how it looks. She gives him a strange look and says, “It looks fine” and then hurried off.

    Primark is not the sort of store where you have a personal assistant helping you with the clothes. It’s just mobs of poor people tearing through bins of £5 shirts and whatnot.

    This guy showed me a picture of his ex-girlfriend from when he was living in Poland. She was smoking hot. And this guy was not attractive. So I asked why he’s not with this woman any more. He just said, “It’s in the past.”

    Anyway, we went to a pub a couple of times. I didn’t mind getting a drink with him. At this point, I was working sporadically and I also had Job Seeker’s allowance coming in when I wasn’t working. So I had some money for this sort of thing. But he always immediately went off and tried to pick up chicks. And he wanted me to help. I don’t want to do that. So it was uncomfortable. And he never got a single phone number from any of this.

    We also went to a pub one time with this gay Indian guy. We were about to go into one place, and this Indian guy said, “I can’t go in there.” And we asked what he was talking about. He said, “I can’t go in there because of this” and he pointed at his skin colour. We said of course he can. So he reluctantly agreed.

    We get in and the entire place starts staring at us. It was all white, presumably British people. The bartender comes over to us and in a kind of sarcastic tone asks what we want. This Polish guy says, “Let’s just go.”

    I’ve never seen anything like that. I’ve had a black girlfriend for many years. I took her all over London. There’s never been an issue. But clearly, this was some kind of racist establishment.

    So we went to a different pub. And this Indian guy is telling us about what kind of guys he likes. He likes young white guys. He’s pointing out guys in the bar who he wants to have sex with. Shit like this. I don’t want to hear this.

    And I told this Polish guy, before we went to the pub, that this Indian guy is gay. He said, “How do you know?” I said, “From his accent.” He clearly had a camp voice. The Polish guy said, “You can’t tell if somebody is gay from their accent.” Fine.

    The guy was clearly gay but the Polish guy couldn’t tell because he wasn’t familiar with the gay voice that we all know exists. Maybe it was because he wasn’t as familiar with English as a native speaker would be.

    Another Sri Lankan guy also moved in. He moved in with a couple of other Sri Lankan guys. So there were three guys sharing one tiny room.

    This guy was a recovering drug addict. He talked about how he used to have a job and money and bitches and whatever and he lost it all. So he’s trying to rebuild his life. Okay, great. Glad to hear it.

    He asked to borrow my tv. Little weird but…okay?

    He had it for up to like two weeks. He would bring it back and then ask for it back a short time later.

    The Polish guy told him to just watch tv here with us. But he didn’t want to do that.

    And this guy told me, because he saw that I was getting annoyed with these tv borrowing requests, that he doesn’t have a computer or anything. The tv is his only way to pass the time. And he said that he knows it’s not my problem but that’s the situation. So whatever. I’d let him “borrow” the tv.

    He was also really…he had a strong personality. Always wanted to talk. And it’s just not me. I find it uncomfortable.

    Anyway, back to this Polish guy. He had a real problem with noise while trying to sleep. He asked me to stop typing so he could go to sleep. I was playing some game. I had a computer by this point. It was like £400. One of the cheapest computers I could find. So…that’s ridiculous but whatever. So I just looked at the internet. Just clicked my mouse.

    So then he asked if I can stop clicking. I nearly lost my shit. Clicking the mouse is too loud for this guy. How is it possible?

    We lived right by a fairly busy street. The ambient noise of traffic was ever present. That didn’t bother him.

    I also snore. That didn’t bother him.

    But clicking? Fuck you. So I complained to the guy who owned the place or was the head tenant or whatever he was and he agreed that it’s absurd but what is he going to do?

    He also complained about the saxophone lessons that the guy who owned the place started taking. He would get really annoyed when the lesson would start. But it didn’t bother me in the slightest. This guy is learning the saxophone. Good for him. What do I care?

    So anyway, shortly after these noise complaints, this Polish guy moved out. He was moving in with some other Polish people. Are other Polish people going to be more conscientious than I was? Certainly not from my experience. But who knows? Maybe he got lucky.

    And then I moved out shortly thereafter. Because they were looking for a new roommate for me, it was all South Asian guys, and they all made a face when they saw me. So in order to make it easier for this guy to find another person to move in, I decided to move out. I just found a place down the street with some Indian guys and an Australian aborigine guy.

    The Indian guy also moved out shortly before everyone else did. Just one day, he said that he was going back to India. He had a fight with his boyfriend or something.

    So how to sum up the experience? The Polish guy was trying to be friendly. And I tried to be friendly. But I just wasn’t very good with that kind of stuff.

    Same with the guy who would borrow my tv. Same with my previous roommate. Same with everyone there. They were all fine, I guess, but I just hated having roommates. I wish that I would have been more outgoing and friendly but that’s just not me. So what are you going to do?

    Also during this time, I started talking to an Asian woman from California. I met her from some British band’s message board. We started talking. I told her that I was an American and I moved to London and she said that she wants to do that too.

    I told her that it’s not possible. You need a visa or citizenship in an EU country but she was determined.

    The reason that she wanted to move here is because she was arrested for assaulting her boyfriend and she was given probation or something and had to do some kind of anger management course. So this was a red flag but whatever. I’m a taekwondo master. I could probably take her.

    We’re talking more and more and she’s actually planning to move to London. With no legal right to stay here. And she had a good job. She was working in a bank or something. She recently graduated from university. She had some kind of finance degree.

    I told her repeatedly that this is a bad idea, she can’t stay, and it’s absurd. She’s going to break her probation over this, lose her job at the bank, and…for what? She has absolutely no plan. And her life is going reasonably fine. Who cares about these anger management classes? Just finish the classes and you’re done. Maybe move after your probation is over.

    No. She wanted to move right away. She also didn’t like her parents. I don’t know. It was the usual Chinese parents thing. This woman brought dishonour to the family so they were disappointed in her.

    Originally, she asked if she can move in with me but I couldn’t do that. I was living in a shared place.

    So she quickly found somebody else. Just some random English guy agreed to let her stay with him. She found him from Couchsurfing dot com or something.

    She would ask stuff like, “Do you want to have sex with me?” but I knew that the meeting was not going to go well. I’m a witty guy in texts and emails. I’m okay on the phone. But in person, it was bad. So I didn’t want to build things up. Let’s just meet up first and then see where we stand on the fornicating issue.

    We talked for a month, I guess? I don’t know.

    So one day I get a text saying, “I’m in London. Do you want to meet me at the bar?”

    By the way, she was an alcoholic. That’s why she beat her boyfriend. She was drunk at the time.

    So…fuck. Okay.

    I get there and she’s drunk off her ass. And she’s with this random dude who she met from Couchsurfing dot com or whatever.

    I had a hard time comprehending what was going on. Why would she ask me to meet her when she’s already fall over drunk and she’s with this other guy? This is weird. Who does this?

    So we have some awkward chat, the three of us. Even awkward by my standards. And then the guy says, “You’ve talked to each other for a long time. I’ll let you catch up.” And he goes to the toilet or something.

    Then she grabs my ass and starts French kissing me.

    I found this all very strange. Even if this happened today, where I’m much better in social situations, where I can be charming, where I can be smooth with the ladies, I still would be completely bamboozled by this. I was confused and insulted. Why would she want to meet me when she’s drunk off her ass and with another guy? And then she’s rubbing all over me?

    It’s not how I roll. So I drank my beer in record time, took her aside, and said, “If you want to meet again, while sober, and without this guy, let me know. But I’m not going to continue this” and I left.

    I got a couple of drunken voicemails that night. In one of them, you can hear this lecherous English guy saying, “Let’s go back to my place.”

    So the next day, I texted her back and expressed bewilderment that she thought that I wanted to meet this guy but asked if she wanted to do anything today. So the guy responds back. He was on her phone. Or maybe it was his number that she gave me. And he says something like, “She can’t meet up today but maybe tomorrow.”

    We did meet up again. Just her and I. And she was sober. But she was also a giant bitch. So we enjoyed a delicious meal at Quiznos. Then we went to a bank. She wanted to deposit her birth certificate and shit like this in a safe deposit box. It costs money, of course, and she wasn’t even living in the country but she brought all of her documents with her and she was really concerned about keeping them safe. Then we did some shopping. I don’t remember what for. She was looking for something. She didn’t find it.

    Then that was it. She was going to Germany or somewhere the next day. Staying with some more strange men who she found on Couchsurfing dot com. We didn’t talk any more after that.

    But I would periodically check out some social media that she had. She was in different parts of Europe for about six months. Then she was in an Israeli commune for about another six months. Then she was living in New York. She was doing some menial job there for a couple of years. Then she was living in the Middle East for a few years.

    I don’t know what she was doing while she was doing all of this European and Middle Eastern travel. I assume prostitution. How else could she afford this?

    She was also constantly posting pictures of herself with different men. When she was in the Middle East, it was random middle aged or older men in those robes and shit.

    Then, after like 10 years of this, she moved back with her parents.

    Why did she never get married? She had absolutely no problem meeting guys. Nobody met her standards, I guess.

    So now she’s 40 years old, single, unemployed, living with her elderly parents, and she regularly talks about wanting to go to Switzerland or the Netherlands for that so-called suicide machine. I’m not joking. And she’s been in this situation for like five years now.

    I warned her from the beginning that it was a bad idea to come to the UK when you have no legal right to be here and no plan. Had she just stayed where she was, she very well could be making good money in the banking industry today. But she threw it all away…on nothing. She had no fucking plan at all.

    You can’t help people. People are not going to take your advice. It’s like when I write about Newt wasting his life on idiotic ideas that obviously will never be successful. Anyone with a brain knows that these ideas are doomed to fail but Newt is not going to listen. He’s going to march straight ahead to calamitous failure.

    Or how I’ve written about Erin for the past four years. How these abysmal videos are never going to become popular. Her scheme of getting with Mike will not overcome her obvious total disinterest and lack of knowledge about video games. Not to mention her negative charisma. But she’s still plugging away, making her $3000/year.

    It’s not that I’m Nostradamus. Any fucking moron can see that these plans, or lack of plans, are not going to work. But I don’t know. It’s like we live in a determinist universe. You can’t interfere with the timeline.

  • Butt-Dialed Confessions, The Largest Typo Ever, Florida Men! | KYN Live #37 – Destiny Fomo

    This guy has a channel with 1,000 subscribers. He posts videos every day. The videos are about current events? I guess? He covers movies, sports, music, and nerd topics.

    He also has a podcast. In the podcasts, he’ll talk to somebody over Skype. Some “guest” who nobody has ever heard of.

    So Madam Fomo is here. Madam Fomo is here on this channel that has 1000 subscribers. This channel where the videos struggle to get 50 views.

    According to the timestamps, he’s going to watch wacky videos with Madam Fomo and then, presumably, discuss the videos. Well, it’s different. Let’s check it out.

    0:15 – “This year, my guest says that she’ll get her licence or get in an accident trying.”

    Get it? Because she lives in New York and this is a thing that people from New York constantly talk about. Not knowing how to drive. Because New York has has a competent mass transit system.

    Who gives a shit? Lots of places have competent mass transit systems. Any major city in Europe, for example. I don’t drive either. Who gives a shit? This isn’t interesting.

    0:30 – “She’s a Twitch streamer and a model.”

    Uh huh. “Model”. She’s a prostitute and she’s on OnlyFans.

    How about an interview of her pimp? That’s what I want to see. Come on, TuanX. Don’t be bashful.

    This guy’s name is Jimmy Van, by the way. He’s about 48 years old, according to his screen name.

    And Madam Fomo is standing up in…oh my god. Is she in her “play” room? She buys a lot of weird children’s toys and they’re obviously for her clients. She apparently has a room dedicated to this. There’s a giant banana in a kiddie pool full of balls and…she’s getting fucked in there? Who would find this erotic?

    She’s also awkward as fuck in this. No charisma.

    1:30 – They’re starting with video number seven. As you do.

    The video is of a man stealing a tractor. So…the idea here is that Madam Fomo is going give her thoughts on the video.

    What thoughts is this guy hoping for? WHO GIVES A SHIT is my initial reaction. It’s just an excuse to talk shit about people from rural communities.

    3:00 – This guy mentions that Madam Fomo is from New York for the third or fourth time. That’s at least one time a minute. We get it. She’s from New York. Allegedly. She used to say that she was originally from Florida. That story went by the wayside along with her comic writing story and a heap of other lies.

    3:15 – “I don’t even know how to drive a car so I don’t know how anybody would know how to operate a tractor.”

    That’s Madam Fomo’s contribution.

    4:00 – He asks if Madam Fomo has ever driven on any farm equipment. There’s a joke here but I’m not seeing it.

    She says that she rode on a horse.

    4:15 – “In what situation did a New York girl ride on a horse.”

    Is this guy out of his fucking mind? Has he never met somebody from New York before? There are fucking millions of people from New York. And even if he hasn’t met somebody from New York before, how is it at all noteworthy? By accident of birth, you were born somewhere. Great. We were all born somewhere. Who gives a shit? It’s not your entire identity.

    4:30 – Madam Fomo hesitates because the following story is complete and utter bullshit. She had to quickly think of a lie. And her lies are SHIT. CHILD-LEVEL lies.

    “I was working retail at the time and a few friends of mine wanted to go horseback riding so we found a place in the BRONX, weirdly enough, that had horseback riding. So we went and we rode on the back of horses.”

    Uh huh. What’s the real story, Madam Fomo? Because you’ve never worked in retail. You’ve only had one job in your life: prostitute.

    What does working in retail even have to do with the story? Nothing. Because it’s a lie. The real story is probably some really freaky shit involving horses, Madam Fomo, and some degenerate with $1,000 in his hand. She obviously couldn’t tell that story. So she came up with this completely generic story that went nowhere.

    4:45 – Oh, then this guy raises the same question that I had.

    “You said that you were working retail. How does the retail and horse riding come together?”

    It doesn’t. She’s lying. This is what she does. She always panics and gives a completely absurd story that doesn’t make any sense whenever somebody asks about her past. Because the reality is that she’s a prostitute.

    Then Madam Fomo gives a stupid, generic, unsatisfactory answer. She provides no further information on this story. No further details. And Jimmy Van over here clearly doesn’t believe a word of it. Because it makes no fucking sense.

    6:00 – Oh, SuperGeoff is in here. Somehow he always seems to find these gamer grrls. Super Geoff is a legitimately mentally retarded man who works in a grocery store.

    6:30 – So now we’re at story number six. I don’t know why this guy is doing this is reverse order but whatever. It’s a video about a dog. Oh no. Now Madam Fomo is thinking about all of the creepy shit that she’s had to do with dogs and trying to come up with a wholesome lie about dogs.

    8:00 – Jimmy Van asks, “With the exception of your hair, have you ever had anything dyed?”

    What? What kind of idiotic question is this?

    So Madam Fomo thinks about it for a while. She’s trying to come up with a lie. She says that when she was a child she and her sister used to dye each other’s hair and the dye got all over.

    Well…it’s plausible. I’ll give this lie some credit for being plausible. It’s still a lie. Everything that Madam Fomo says is a lie. But this lie is at least plausible.

    9:15 – Now story number five. It’s about a Texas state senator and food labels or something.

    Do you suppose that Madam Fomo knows what a state senator even is? There’s no fucking chance.

    I knew somebody who worked in a state senator’s office and people would regularly call in complaining about the US senator. The guy in Washington DC. And she’d have to explain that it’s a different guy and that state senators don’t do shit.

    9:45 – Jimmy Van asks, “What is the ingredient that Senator Hall wants properly labelled on food items?”

    Madam Fomo says glutton, which was a sensible answer. But the actual answer was aborted human foetal tissue. Then the guy shows the proposed legislation and acknowledges that the word “aborted” doesn’t appear anywhere in it. Nevertheless, he keeps saying “aborted”.

    Then he quotes somebody as saying that there is no food that has human foetal tissue in it.

    14:00 – Madam Fomo says that the most adventurous food-related thing she did was when she went to Japan and tried different food.

    Oh yeah. I saw those pictures. She had a Japanese Domino’s pizza. She had a Japanese gyro. She had a Japanese Big Mac. Really adventurous.

    14:15 – Madam Fomo says that she’s never tried heroin. Uh huh. Moving on.

    Then the next story is about a banner with a typo in it. Who cares? Who cares about any of this?

    Somebody in the chat says, “We know she likes bananas.”

    This is boring. I’m skipping to the next chapter.

    18:30 – Florida men arrested.

    Is he going to ask Madam Fomo if she’s ever been arrested?

    What? No. His question is, “Have you ever had to replace something on a vehicle using some kind of makeshift artistry?” What the fuck? As you’ve gone over extensively already, she doesn’t drive.

    Yeah. I’m skipping to the next chapter. Missed opportunity to grill Madam Fomo on her arrest record.

    23:00 – Gamer butt-dials the police. Admits to murder. He was just talking about killing people in the game.

    Next chapter.

    27:30 – Russian recruitment video goes viral.

    Nothing interesting.

    30:15 – “I saw a video of you throwing axes and you’re from New York so this might be an easy one.”

    STOP THIS SHIT! WE FUCKING KNOW THAT SHE’S FROM NEW YORK.

    If she was from any other city, would this happen? Well, you’re from Sioux City so you probably don’t drive. You’re one of those Sioux City girls, aren’t you? There’s a lot of crime in Sioux City. Did you ever shoot a gun?

    Go fuck yourself. It’s insulting and it makes you sound like a fucking retard. Sure, I might be from Sioux City but I know about other places. I’ve travelled. I read. I’m an educated person. I’m not just hanging out on Fourth Street every day. I’m my own person with my own opinions. Not everybody in Sioux City thinks like I think. We’re not a homogenous group. Fucking asshole.

    So then this giant fucking penis, who’s from Toronto, by the way. TORONTO! WE’VE GOT A TORONTO BOY OVER HERE! SO YOU PROBABLY HAVE SEX WITH OTHER MEN, RIGHT? THAT’S WHAT THOSE TORONTO FAGGOTS DO, DON’T THEY? DIP EACH OTHER IN MAPLE SYRUP, JERK EACH OTHER OFF, AND EAT THE SYRUP/CUM MIXTURE? IT’S CALLED A TORONTO DELIGHT?

    Fucking piece of shit. Expand your mind.

    Oh, I got side-tracked. He asks Madam Fomo is she ever fired a gun. Here come the lies.

    She says that she shot a gun while taking a vacation in Hawaii. She posted pictures of this. Her mother was in silhouette. It was really weird.

    30:45 – “So you travelled 16 hours to shoot a gun. All you had to do was walk out in the street in New York.”

    Yeah. And if you want to suck a dude off who’s covered in maple syrup, all you have to do is step outside of your home in Toronto. But that doesn’t mean that you don’t also enjoy sucking dudes off when you’re travelling.

    Then Madam Fomo, rightly, alludes to the fact that New York has strict gun laws. Did you know about that, you fucking Toronto piece of shit?

    I’m done with this shit.

  • I GOT CAST IN A HORROR MOVIE (XXX-MAS) – Newt Wallen

    Newt’s here talking with James Dean. Over Skype. Not James Dean the long-dead actor. And not James Deen the guy who does porn. This is James Dean, the total nobody who only made one movie in his life. And it was shit.

    https://www.imdb.com/name/nm12263458/

    Why wouldn’t he change his fucking name? We already have a James Dean. He couldn’t be Jimmy Dean either because of the country music superstar/talk show host/sausage magnate.

    What about Jimbo Dean? That would work.

    So let’s watch this fucking terrible shit. A fucking Skype call.

    0:15 – “My name is James Dean. Not the porn star. Not the 50s dead guy. I’m James Dean…this James Dean.”

    The James Dean with no charisma. Fine.

    So the guy is aware of the problem but is continuing to use the name.

    I mean…he’s just some guy making movies in his basement. He’s not some Hollywood big shot. So I guess there’s no need to change his name. But what if XXX-Mas becomes the next Blair Witch Project? Of course it won’t but he’s obviously not even striving for that.

    Then Newt says, “That porn star got really into the old Youtube channel I used to do, Underbelly. James Deen, he loved our Beauty and the Beast one where we sang at the end. It was really bizarre.”

    Uhh…what? Let’s just move on. I don’t care if this is truth or not.

    0:45 – Jimbo Dean is giving the plot (such as it is) of the movie. Santa Claus killing porn stars. Uh huh. This guy better clear his mantle of those Voltron figures to make way for his Oscar award.

    1:30 – Newt says, “When I first heard of this movie, I was like, ‘Cast me in your movie. I love slasher movies and I love porn. What else is there?’”

    Acting talent? Acting experience?

    Here’s the IndieGoGo, by the way:

    https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/xxx-mas-christmas-slasher-film#/

    They’ve raised about 60% of their $30,000 goal. And unlike that Newt Wallen project with that prostitute, this is a fixed goal. So if they don’t reach the goal, they don’t get any money. I guess that’s how it works. I’ve never given any money on IndieGoGo because I’m not fucking retarded.

    And I guess that this is being filmed in this guy’s hometown of St Louis. Probably the film capital of Missouri.

    So who are the stars of this thing going to be? Felissa Rose. You guys know Felissa Rose, right?

    She was in some shitty horror films that nobody has ever seen. And she’s fifty-three years old. She’s, presumably, going to play a porn star in this thing. A 53 year old porn star. We can all look forward to that.

    Drew Marvick is going to be playing Santa Claus. You might know him better as that meth addict who wanders around the 7-11 parking lot.

    Dolly Leigh is also in this. Oh, she actually does do porn. All of her stuff on XVideos dot com seem to be incest-themed. Because she has small breasts. But this is just, with respect, an unattractive woman. This woman should not be doing porn. She needs to find something that’s right for her. This shit isn’t it.

    According to her Twitter, which I won’t link to but you can easily find, she’s a “former porn star.” Well, that’s a step in the right direction. But she’s on OnlyFans. No. Nobody wants this.

    By the way, this is a horse-faced woman with red hair. This is clearly Newt’s type. But how many other people can possibly have this bizarre fetish for women who look like Rocky Dennis?

    Jonathan May is also playing a porn star. There’s no information on the internet about this guy. He has a short video on that IndieGoGo page which is…bizarre on many levels. He’s just some fucking crackhead.

    Jessa Flux will also be playing, presumably, a porn star. I think that there are only two roles in this movie: Santa or a porn star. She was in a few zero budget movies that nobody has ever heard of before.

    She has an Instagram account where you can see photos of this chubby woman that are heavily, heavily, MASSIVELY filtered. Newt would look sexy if he used this many filters.

    She’s also on OnlyFans, of course. Will any of the pictures look remotely like a human being or will they all just be run through ten filters?

    She’s also on Tiktok. She has 1,000 followers. She’s a superstar.

    You’re wasting your life with this shit, madam. It’s not going to get any better if you continue down this path.

    Speaking of people wasting their lives, let’s get to The Ideas Man.

    Newt is just talking about all of the big projects that he’s working on. Because Newt is really in demand. Everybody wants a piece of The Ideas Man. 2023 is the Year of Newt. Horseface is going to go crying back to him.

    Too bad that he couldn’t get a decent webcam. Why is the video quality so fucking bad? Jimbo Dean’s video quality is okay. But Newt’s is total shit.

    3:15 – “In the last year, I’ve sold 11 screenplays.”

    This is just an example of the sort of shit he’s saying. He keeps fucking talking about himself and what a big superstar he is in the “Indie film community”.

    First of all, it’s delusional.

    Secondly, THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU, NEWT! SHUT THE FUCK UP! Jimbo Dean is here to promote his shit. Not listen your fucking delusions. Newt can not stop talking about himself. It’s impossible.

    4:30 – Jimbo Dean says, “If you don’t mind, can we talk about the cast a little bit?”

    He actually had to ask permission. He had to interrupt Newt because Newt just continually talks about himself. Absolutely no social awareness.

    Let’s remind ourselves of the situation. Jimbo Dean hired Newt to appear in Jimbo’s shitty little horror movie. In a sense, Jimbo is the boss. Jimbo is the big director. Newt is just an actor. An actor with absolutely no acting experience. Jimbo Dean is doing a favour for Newt by doing this. Because Newt isn’t a fucking actor.

    So to thank this guy for giving him a role in his shitty little movie, Newt invites Jimbo to do this video on Newt’s little-watched channel. The idea is CLEARLY so that this guy can promote his movie. Instead, Newt just talks about himself and how great he is.

    Now when this guy asks to talk about the movie, WHICH WAS THE WHOLE POINT OF HIM AGREEING TO THE VIDEO, Newt looks bored as fuck. He can barely keep his selfish head up. Newt just wanted to talk about himself some more.

    6:30 –

    Jimbo: Jessa Flux. I think that she’s been in a couple of Donald Farmer —

    Newt: Yeah. She’s been in a couple of things that I’ve written, actually.

    He has done this CONSTANTLY. Throughout the entire six and a half minutes so far. He just keeps talking about how he knows all of the actors in this guy’s movie because Newt is a fucking bigshot who wrote thousands of films. Not a single one of which Newt has ever promoted.

    Well, let’s just look at Newt’s IMDB. He has a page, right?

    https://www.imdb.com/name/nm2506350/

    His latest credit is Monster Madness. We won’t discuss that.

    He’s also credited for James Rolf VS Time. Those faggots on Reddit are really pissing themselves over that one.

    Swamp Zombies 2. Newt has talked about that one a lot. He’s given credit here as a writer. That was in 2018.

    Midnight Show. This was never released, as far as I’m aware.

    Then a couple of shorts that were probably never released.

    Then four episodes of Underbelly. This was Justin Silverman’s Youtube channel.

    Then Silvermania. This was another Justin Silvermania Youtube channel.

    Then The League of Science. Whatever that is. Allegedly a tv series. This was in 2011. Probably on Public Access or something.

    That’s it. Those are his credits.

    Show me the thousand movies, Newt. Just fucking name them. Then I’ll go watch them on Netflix or DailyMotion or wherever these alleged films can be found.

    What was the movie that he wrote that Jessa Flux starred in? We want to know. And why isn’t he credited for it on IMDB?

    He’s a fake writer who writes fake movies for fake actors. That’s what this is. Everybody involved in all of this shit is living in Cloud Cuckoo Land.

    It’s like when James Rolfe talks about having made 500 movies or whatever. What he’s saying has a tiny kernel of truth. He made 500…something. Five hundred child home videos and shit for Youtube like Top Ten Steve Urkel Moments or whatever. But films? No.

    But James Rolfe believes this. Because James Rolfe is fucking retarded.

    How do we explain Newt believing that he’s a prolific movie writer in spite of the fact that he has AT BEST one semi-legitimate credit? How do we explain some fucking fat chick with 1000 followers on TikTok claiming to be an actress?

    They’ve done something. Newt knew a guy who wrote a shitty little indie film and Newt pitched the guy a line and the guy said, “That’s pretty good. I might use it” but then didn’t. Newt now considers that he “wrote” that movie.

    Or that fat chick was in some student film and they took her to KFC afterwards and now she considers herself to be the next Marilyn Monroe.

    These people are out of their fucking minds. They’re unemployed. That’s the reality. Not big time players in Hollywood. Unemployed.

    8:00 – Now Jimbo is talking about how XXX-Mas will be a vehicle to expand people’s minds. It’s going to be a movie about how people shouldn’t look down on porn stars. “Sex work is work”. XXX-Mas is really going to change how society views porno sluts.

    Then Newt…you’ll never guess. What do you think Newt talked about?

    HIMSELF! And how he knows loads of porn stars in person. Because Newt is a bigshot. He’s a real mover and shaker in the rural Pennsylvania film industry.

    Newt. Get your shit together and stop making these videos. It’s not helping with your mental health. I’m done with this shit. It’s making me nauseous.

  • Is Child’s Play Still The Best Scary Doll Movie? – Tony from Hack the Movies

    Oh, Horseface is in this one. Always a favourite here at Gamer Grrls. Is she going to talk about hot chicks? Almost certainly.

    I always say that Tony should put people in the videos, man or woman, based on their ability to talk about a fucking movie, as opposed to trying to pull in horntards with “hot” chicks like Horseface over here. But then when he does that, I have nothing to talk about. When he has some competent bearded fucks, I just say, “Well, this was boring. I’m not watching this any more” and end the article. But Horseface always brings some cringe to the table.

    And we’ve got Johanna. She’s boring as fuck and can’t talk but she seems to have adopted the Horseface coping strategy of just talking about hot chicks when she can’t think of anything to say. Which is often.

    Maybe these two ladies are going to talk about how hot each other. That’s always a bonus.

    So Child’s Play. Have I see this? No. I don’t think so. Certainly not in its entirety. In fact, I can’t remember anything from the first movie. I saw parts of a sequel where he was in a military school.

    1:00 – Tony says that all of us have the experience of being in a video rental store, seeing Child’s Play, being afraid of it, but eventually watching the movie and finding it really funny.

    Johanna and Horseface both vigorously deny having experienced this. And they’re right. What the fuck is this? This is a very specific set of circumstances.

    I think that we’ve all at some point experienced growing up in rural Pennsylvania with our Italian immigrant father who owned a delicatessen. And then as we got older, we grew a beard and gained 200 pounds. And then we abandoned our dream of being a big Hollywood bigshot and got a job at Screenwave Media instead.

    No, Tony. That’s your life. Other people have different experiences.

    11:15 – Johanna is talking about a hot chick vis a vis some guy in the movie. “I want to know what the hell he is packing because how did he land Tiffany?”

    Johnna…we don’t fucking care about hot chicks in the movie. Shut the fuck up if you don’t have anything half-way intelligent to say.

    11:30 – Horseface, apparently speaking on behalf of hot chicks, says, “Because crazy bitches. like, you know, we don’t we don’t always go for the most hottest men.”

    Horseface…you have the face of a fucking horse. Hence the name. You are NOT by any means a hot chick. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

    21:30 – Horseface didn’t know that the character in the movie is called Chucky. What? She’s here on the show, she apparently has watched the movie, but she didn’t know this. How is it possible? I know this and I’ve never seen the movie. It’s just part of the zeitgeist. Everybody knows it. Except Horseface.

    And she’s a big horror fan? How…this is insane.

    30:00 – Somebody sent sex toys to the Screenwave office for Johanna. Then Tony says, “We’re not saying 100% what her job is but she orders stuff for the office.”

    Why is it a secret? She’s does the payroll. Some kind of finance role.

    What’s Horseface’s role at Screenwave? According to her, it’s nothing. And she regularly appears on Talking About Tapes, allegedly for no money. She always goes to events that Screenwave appears at like Magfest. She’s always presented as part of Screenwave for any nerd convention panels or whatever.

    But she doesn’t work at Screenwave. Apparently. We’re missing some important piece of the information.

    34:15 – They’re talking about gas versus electric stoves for some reason.

    Horseface: Is anyone else petrified of leaving the gas on?

    Tony: I have an electric stove, so no.

    Johanna: Must be nice!

    And Johanna said this in a really bitchy way. Like having an electric stove means that you’re part of the wealthy elite. What? No. If anything, it’s the opposite. Electric appliances are for poor people. Nobody wants that shit.

    Almost every place I’ve lived in had electric heating and electric stoves. This is in the UK. And these were all low end properties. Electric appliances cost more to run and are less efficient than gas. But presumably, it’s cheaper to put electric heating and stoves in properties because why else would all of these landlords do this?

    Then Horseface says that she actually removes the knobs from her gas stove every time she goes out because she’s afraid that her cat is going to turn the oven on and somehow start a fire. I’m not making this up. Horseface thinks that her cat is going to turn the oven on and start a fire.

    She’s talking about the burners, I assume. But don’t you have to hold the starter button down and then turn a knob? And you do this all at the same time. She thinks that a cat is able to do that?

    My cat turned on the stove… how do I prevent this so there is not a fire in my future? I can’t block the cat out of the kitchen.
    by u/Alltheway-upp in CatsAreAssholes

    Well, according to Reddit, this is a known problem. And the top solution is to remove the knobs. So maybe I’m the idiot. Cats are, apparently, regularly turning stoves on.

    I’m at 45 minutes. It’s just Tony summarising the fucking movie. This is what he does every time. A scene by scene summary of the movie. Who cares? This is not interesting. And it’s not a review.

    I was looking at old article recently where I talked about Rental Reviews. As here:

    https://gamergrrlsofficial.wordpress.com/2020/08/25/a-critical-analysis-of-rental-reviews/

    I gave a break down of the genre of movies that they covered.

    31 comedy films
    26 action films
    10 horror films
    8 science fiction films
    7 video game films
    4 superhero films
    3 dramas

    Horror films weren’t really a common thing. Comedies were the most popular genre covered.

    Why don’t they go back to the Rental Reviews format? Get a fucking retarded man to say “yeah” repeatedly while you summarise a comedy movie. It’s got to be better than what they’re doing now. This shit is not working. Tony summarising a horror movie? No. I’m not interested.

    , ,

  • ALF stops by my stream – Erin Plays

    You guys like Alf, right? Erin is all about Alf. She was born in 1986 or 1987. Alf was cancelled in 1990. Erin would have been three years old, according to her “official” birthdate. Alf was not shown in reruns, as far as I’m aware.

    So she remembers this show from when she was three years old. She watched the show with a diaper full of stool.

    I wrote a full article about Alf recently. Erin only knows about the show because a horntard recently mentioned Alf on one of her streams, trying to “remind” Erin of stuff that Mike likes. So now Erin is pretending to be all about Alf.

    https://gamergrrlsofficial.wordpress.com/2022/09/13/erin-is-a-big-alf-fan/

    0:00 – “Ooh. I just gave myself a charley horse.”

    How? From sitting?

    Let me look this up. I know what she’s talking about but I haven’t experienced this in many years. Probably not since I moved to the UK and started getting some exercise. I don’t drive so I walk a lot to train stations and whatnot. In the US, you just drive everywhere. It’s the same in the UK, if you have a car, but I don’t have a car.

    “A charley horse is a painful involuntary cramp in the legs and/or foot, lasting anywhere from a few seconds to a day.”

    A day? I never had that happen. I’ve only had the few seconds variety.

    I think staying in one position too long is a cause. So yeah. Erin sitting on her ass all day causes this.

    “Elf! Elf! I haven’t seen you!”

    Clearly. She doesn’t even know the creature’s name. It’s not Elf. This is so fucking bad. But at least she’s being honest. She never saw the show. She was three years old when it was cancelled. It makes sense.

    0:15 – “I haven’t seen you in years.”

    No. Never. You’ve never seen “Elf”.

    1:00 – Mike is pretending to be Willie Tanner and Erin has NO IDEA who this is, or what Mike is doing.

    1:45 – She calls the character “Elf” again.

    There are multiple edits in this video. Erin has negative charisma. She can’t respond to ANYTHING that Mike says because she’s an idiot. That’s the first thing. But also, she has no idea who any of these characters are. She doesn’t know “Elf”, she doesn’t know Willie Tanner. She certainly doesn’t know Mrs Ochmonek. This is pathetic. It’s fucking horrible. And this clip is supposed to be like a “best of” thing. The best of Erin’s multiple Splatterhouse “practice” streams.

    2:15 – “You like the full shots of Elf walking in the show? Those creep me out.”

    Then you’re in luck, Erin. You only see it in the intro and maybe one or two episodes in the first season.

    She’s never seen the show. Not once. Not for one solitary second. So she’s just saying generic bullshit like usual.

    “There’s one episode I saw where he was, like, at the pound because they thought he was a dog and he runs, and for some reason, Elf running is kind of horrifying.”

    Maybe Mike forced her to watch an episode recently. So now Erin is an expert on Elf. Because she watched the one episode. Under duress.

    3:00 – “The Elf video game? Is there an Elf game?”

    Of course there is. Mike streamed it recently. She must not be watching the streams.

    3:15 – She’s reading from the chat. “It sounds like I’m saying Elf? I can’t pronounce words sometimes.”

    Yeah. Especially words that you’re totally unfamiliar with. Like “Alf”. That’s what happens when you’ve never seen the fucking show before.

    Then she looks the game up, finds it hilarious for reasons that aren’t explained, and then says, “Okay, I’m going to do an Elf stream.”

    Why does it have to be on stream, for money? Just play it in your spare time like a normal person. You’re such a huge fucking Elf fan, after all.

    Fucking Elf. Fuck you, you fucking fraud.

    Then the video just ends awkwardly. Of course it did. It started awkwardly, the middle was awkward, and it ended awkwardly. Erin could not be remotely engaging to save her life.

    • “There is now lore and a story with Erin living with Alf and Elmo and Ernie. This silliness could be made into a series!!”

    Oh, sure. A woman with negative charisma lives with three puppet characters who she pretends to be familiar with and just says generic bullshit. Sounds like a hit.

    ,

  • Filming Fallons Sucks2suck Shower scene – Newt Wallen

    Hello, desperation. Newt is going to show us some titties on Youtube. I guess. That’s clearly what’s being implied here.

    Newt…if I want to see breasts there are a billion porn sites out there. There are also women out there. Women who will take their clothes off if you spend some time with them and play your cards right. People aren’t going to fucking Youtube for their booby fix.

    But you can see breasts on Youtube. You just have to be creative in your searches. You can see some boobs with, “breast exam”, for example. Or “mamogram”. You know, things that have a legitimate medical component to them.

    You also used to be able to see dramatisations of breast exams. Like Meredith Baxter (the mother from Family Ties) was in a 1994 movie called My Breast. And there’s a scene where she gets them out. Totally normal. It’s a medical procedure. But it’s not on Youtube any more. Only porn sites.

    Also, music videos will sometimes slip some nudity in. Like here:

    From about 3:30 to the end of the video, you get a few quick glimpses of breasts. You have to either pause the video or really time yourself well.

    I suppose that music videos can get away with it because it’s “art.” But yeah, you can see a lot of artistic boobs on Youtube. Like with this video:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvGmZDpc4P8

    You can only watch it on Youtube and you probably have to be logged in so I just made it a link. But it’s a woman posing another woman for some “artistic” nudes. I’m not into the tattoos but it’s art. We’re just here for art. The only people watching that video are people who want to learn more about posing people for fine art.

    Topless protests. It’s a big thing these days. And Youtube allows these videos to be shown because it’s news. It’s important that we all stay abreast on the latest developments in the world.

    That smut is right there on the Associated Press channel. Doesn’t get any more prestigious than that.

    So as long as there’s a medical, artistic, or news-related reason, you can show breasts on Youtube.

    Anyway, Newt is here with his haircut and showing off his latest prostitute. It’s all to make Horseface jealous. And Horseface wasn’t ever his girlfriend. He just paid her to hang out with him. Same as what he’s doing with this woman. Same as what he does with every woman he knows. It’s the only way he can get women to spend time with him.

    So let’s watch this fucking trash.

    0:00 – The prostitute is taking a shower. She’s looking rough. That’s what no makeup and no filter does.

    Then Newt just immediately promotes the IndieGoGo. I’m not paying for this. What am I supposed to pay for? So you can make a video of a prostitute in the shower? You’ve already done that. You’re already filming. Apparently.

    0:45 – Newt says that this video was her idea. He continues, “I made her cover her breasticles with tape so that nothing sees.”

    He’s totally flummoxed. Can’t even speak properly. Newt. It’s a prostitute taking a shower. Who cares? Relax.

    Then the video ends with Newt joking about what a stud he is and the prostitute says, “I’m so wet…from the shower!” Get it? We were supposed to think that her pussy was wet. From being around sexy boy Newt.

    • “Dude, why did you cut your hair? I was digging the long scruffy look. This looks like it’s going to be the summer of Newt!”

    Newt replies, “Got cast in a horror movie and they needed my hair short”.

    Oh yeah. Newt is really going places. He’s cutting his hair for big, important movie roles. Must be one of his 11 or 13 projects that he’s releasing in or around 2023.

    So that video was released three days ago. How much money are they up to?

    About $2,000. Well, that’s more than I expected. Twenty-two people gave money.

    As for the masturbatory merits of this shower video, it’s fucking zero. You’ll see more skin in one of Erin’s videos where she goes through a 1992 JCPenney catalogue, assuming that Erin ever goes to the bra section. Which she never does.

    I say that the best porn video on Youtube is this one:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q28nnRi5ZCA

    Best of Price is Right Boobs. I did a whole review on it. As here:

    https://gamergrrlsofficial.wordpress.com/2021/02/27/best-of-price-is-right-boobs/

  • BEAST IN BLACK & CINEMASSACRE Official Interview

    This is awkward as fuck. I made it to two minutes and then decided that I have to do an article on this.

    Beast in Black is a band whose lead singer is like a Finnish Tiny Tim. And according to Wikipedia, they do “power metal”, which, presumably, is a genre still popular in Finland.

    Who the fuck would want to listen to this? Some faggot singing “power metal” in falsetto?

    Oh, wait. The singer is Greek? I guess? But the band seems to be based in Finland.

    One of the suggested questions on Google is, “Does Beast in Black have a female singer?”

    No. That’s a fucking guy. Apparently. A guy who sounds like a woman.

    Let me try another video. Maybe the first two that I listened to just weren’t very good.

    No, this is…this is embarrassing. It’s this gay man singing in falsetto about, like, Dungeons & Dragons shit. Murder and destruction and whatnot. This is music for angry 13 year old boys in 1977. But apparently, this band was formed in 2015. Some of the band members look pretty old, though. So I don’t know what’s going on.

    I can see Jimmy liking this shit, though. His musical tastes haven’t evolved since he was 14 and listening to Judas Priest, while in special education.

    0:00 –

    Jimmy: Loving the stuff. Yeah. Just love the music.

    Guy: Oh, I appreciate that.

    Jimmy: Yeah. I listen to them all again on the road. I was listening to them going down to a convention. Magfest. I don’t know if you’ve heard of that one.

    Guy: Doesn’t ring a bell.

    Jimmy: Yeah. It’s in the DC area. It’s a big music and gaming…festival.

    Guy: Hmm.

    Jimmy: Yeah, I introduced you to a lot of guys there too, like, “You have to hear Beast in Black. It’s awesome.”

    Guy: Cool. Thanks very much.

    It’s so fucking awkward. On so many levels.

    First of all, none of these guys know what James is talking about and they don’t give a fuck.

    And Jimmy is talking to them like…of course they don’t know what fucking Magfest is. They don’t know what the “DC area” is either. Are you talking about Washington DC? English isn’t these guys’ native language. And they’re not intimately acquainted with American geography.

    Finally, Magfest IS NOT a music festival. It’s for fucking video games. It’s a nerd convention. But Jimmy is trying to impress these complete nobodies about what a rock and roll superstar he is and it’s awkward as fuck.

    0:30 –

    Guy: Your place looks a lot more rock and metal than our place.

    Jimmy: Yeah. It’s just a spot where I record stuff and usually do Zoom calls and everything.

    More cringe. Jimmy is in a room that has Led Zeppelin posters on the wall and there are a bunch of guitars and speakers behind him. And then he says, “Oh, yeah. Don’t mind all of the guitars, speakers, and 1970s rock paraphernalia. This is just where I do my Zoom calls. Nothing special.”

    Meanwhile, the guys who are actual musicians have a plain background.

    Jimmy is also wearing a Led Zeppelin t-shirt, by the way. Under his Mr Rogers cardigan.

    0:45 –

    Guy: So you’re a musician as well? Because I think I know you the least, in a way, from the guys. To be honest.

    Jimmy: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I guess aspiring musician. I play music to only really get closer to the music and get a closer understanding to it. It gives me more appreciation to everything that I listen to.

    He literally has FIVE guitars in the background. “Oh, no. I’m not really a musician. I’m just…you know…this is my all-purpose room. For Zoom calls and whatever. What gave you the idea that I was interested in music? The $20,000 in recording equipment? No. I just like to tinker.”

    Then Jimmy threatens that he’s working on a album of cover “medleys” of “video game tunes”. Eugh. Stop all of this. Sell those fucking guitars and shit and put the money in the bank for any childrearing costs that may arise.

    1:30 –

    Guy: You mean with the Rex Viper thing?

    Jimmy: Yeah. That’s right, yeah.

    Yeah. The Rex Viper thing. That fucking pile of crap. The guy couldn’t even bring himself to call it a band. I know that there’s a language barrier but this is fucking hilarious. Because their English isn’t perfect, they’re more honest. They lack the tools to cover up their true thoughts with flowery language. They’re just interested in getting their point across so it’s more blunt and truthful.

    I think that I’ve figured out who’s who, by the way. The guy on the left is the Greek guy. The singer. The guy in the middle is the Finnish guy. And the guy on the right is the Hungarian guy.

    2:45 – These guys are talking about how they made a video game. The Hungarian guy says that he only likes older stuff, from the 8 and 16 bit eras. Then James says, “Yeah. I’m pretty limited when it comes to newer stuff but…yeah, the old stuff. Uhhh…yeah, yeah, I love it.”

    This guy can’t have a fucking conversation to save his life.

    And why is he doing all of these interviews anyway? This is why he stopped the fucking podcast. He acknowledged that he can’t speak. But he has no problem doing all of these interviews.

    And compare these interviews to the podcast. For the interviews, he’s always switched on and engaged. As switched on as James can get, anyway. But for the podcast, it was like James was given a full lobotomy. He didn’t want to be there. He didn’t want to talk to anybody. It was like he doing the podcast under duress. Like Ryan had his family tied up somewhere and wouldn’t release them until James recorded some podcast episodes.

    That Hungarian guy is 42. Must be some rough living in Hungary.

    3:30 – Jimmy is telling some insane story about how he compares himself to characters in film, based on age. So he’ll compare himself to a character who’s 42 years old, for example, when Jimmy is 42. It’s so fucking stupid. I have a hard time understanding what he’s talking about and my English is perfect.

    Then he starts going on about some character from The Exorcist who’s 42. He gives the name of the character. He gives the name of the director.

    Then you cut to the these three guys. They have NO IDEA what he’s talking about.

    I have to stop this. I’m sorry. I made it to 6:00.

    James can not talk and these guys are not interviewers. They’re a band. What the fuck is this? So it’s just a bunch of awkward people saying, “yeah”.

    This needs to never happen again. Screenwave does not have James’ best interests at heart. They keep sending him out to do these horrible things that damage the brand.

    James Rolfe is a fucking no fooling retard. Prop him up for the AVGN episodes, make him read the lines, and that’s it. Don’t ever send him out to do something that isn’t scripted. He fails miserably every fucking time and you know it.

    Where is his wife for all of this? Why would his wife not have James’ best interests at heart? They’re her best interests as well. James is her meal ticket. If James is out on the street, she’s out on the street.