WTF Wednesday Review : Burial Ground: Night of Terror – Newt Wallen

Sorry for just making this a link. The thumbnail is disgusting. I’m not having that on a respectable blog like Gamer Girls.

So we have…who does PVC Bondage Guy remind me of? I’m getting a 1970s vibe. Barney Miller? My mother’s friend who had tinted 1970s glasses? I know that his glasses aren’t tinted, it’s just the enormous amount of eye makeup that he wears but…it reminds me of somebody. Or at least the 1970s broadly. I’m all about the 1970s. That’s my era. I was two years old in 1979. It was a turbulent decade. I experienced it all as a two year old.

You know, it might be Barney Miller.

Similar frames. And Barney’s glasses aren’t tinted but it was obviously a popular style in the 1970s. And Barney Miller is a show from the 1970s.

Maybe PVC Bondage Guy can grow a moustache to complete the look. He’s a guy, right? Guys grow moustaches. Then she can get a job as a wise-cracking New York City detective.

What the fuck is PVC Bondage Guy wearing? He keeps adjusting the straps because his boobs are almost out.

This video was shot shortly before Newt moved. So he’s still in his old place.

By the way, this is some boring tits and gore zombie movie. From Italy, I guess. Maybe? I don’t give a shit.

5:15 – Newt is drinking…some beverage. It’s in a bottle. The bottle appears too big to be a single serving bottle but too small to be a “family-sized” bottle. So whatever it would be. I don’t remember the units in the US. Bigger than a 16 ounce bottle but smaller than a gallon.

I’m probably the only person who cares about this but I find it interesting. They’re obviously selling large-sized bottles of high-calorie, sugary beverages that are intended to be consumed in one sitting. It all adds to the obesity epidemic in the US.

5:45 – PVC Bondage Guy says that he “took Latin”. In high school? Did PVC Bondage Guy go to college? We’ll never know.

6:15 – Then PVC Bondage Guy says that the characters in the movie “cock blocked” him. I’d give you the context for this but I don’t know it.

8:00 – “Leslie is a very attractive brunette. Great tits.”

This is the sort of cinematic insight that The Ideas Man provides. I want to know which characters have the best breasts. That’s what I go to the cinema for. Sure, I could just stay at home and jack off to hardcore pornography instead but no. That’s not my style. I only masturbate to 1970s, low-budget, tits and gore zombie movies from Italy. And I want The Ideas Man to tell me which women in this very specific genre are worth my masturbatory time.

By the way, PVC Bondage Guy agreed that Leslie had a nice chest. Great. So that’s confirmed. I’m going to go check this out.

8:45 – Newt asks PVC Bondage Guy if she ever heard of the show Coach. PVC Bondage Guy says that she has.

First of all, I barely remember the show and I’m two years older than Newt. I mean…I was probably at least 10 when the show was on. Let me look this up, actually.

Wow. It was on from 1989 to 1997. That’s way longer than I thought. So I was like 12 to 20 years old. So anyway, I remember watching it. I remember that Dick van Dyke’s brother was on the show. I remember a dumb character named Dauber who started as an athlete and later became assistant coach or something. I remember the main character. I remember that he had a wife. But I don’t remember a single episode or plot point or anything.

So anyway, Newt says that a character looked like Dauber. So whatever. I thought that he was going to give a more specific example about the show. But no, just the existence of a character named Dauber. Yes, I remember what Dauber looked like. But does PVC Bondage Guy? She must have been born…I don’t know…let’s say that she’s about 25…1998. The show was cancelled by then. Was it ever shown in syndication? Not that I can recall.

9:15 – Newt is talking about somebody making a ripoff of a movie “That’s basically softcore porn”. PVC Bondage Guy says, “Nice.”

Hey…gentlemen…are you at all familiar with Pornhub? You don’t have to look at vintage, low-budget horror films to get your fix of nudity any more.

This is exactly why these softcore porn movies don’t exist any more. We all have the internet. We can look at all of the porn that we want. I don’t need to wait for Cinemax to show The Bikini Carwash Company.

12:00 – PVC Bondage Guy is talking about “cheeky pants” or something. She says that a woman in the film has a “nice ass”.

Then Newt says that he wants to do a brand deal for this particular style of women’s undergarment and he says that he’ll wear them. Ummm…okay.

15:30 – PVC Bondage Guy starts talking about a character who gets her “titties” sucked on.

18:00 – PVC Bondage Guy was upset at the bear trap scene in this movie because the guy was trying to open the bear trap in an unrealistic fashion. So PVC Bondage Guy starts giving her expert opinion on bear traps.

What the fuck is this? Why does she know about bear traps? Some other disgusting fetish of hers. A bear trap fetish. What…let’s just move on.

Oh, and I mistakenly called PVC Bondage Guy “her” in the previous paragraph. Please excuse my mis-gendering.

Okay, so I made it to 20 minutes. There’s another 25 mintues but I’m bored out of my fucking mind here. We don’t need a shot for shot summary of some stupid tits and gore move that nobody cares about.

“Oh, yeah. She really had some big titties. I’d like to do stuff to her.”

Guys…this is not erotic. To anyone.

4 thoughts on “WTF Wednesday Review : Burial Ground: Night of Terror – Newt Wallen

  1. This one… I honestly don’t understand what is going on.
    Is it like one of those videos where the same person is filmed twice and put together so it seems he is in the same shot at the same time?

    Is the person with the glasses a different one? Male or female? I swear I am not joking around.

    I visited the video and the Instagram link, but I don’t see any indication of who owns the channel, if the person in glasses is just a “character” of the guy in disguise…

    Also, why are people like these making videos? Do they actually earn money, like, enough to make a living?

    So many questions.

    1. Ummm…no, if I understand your question, this is not a case of one person playing two characters in a split screen like Linsdsey Lohan in The Parent Trap. The person on the left is not Newt Wallen in a wig. Although, that’s a hilarious suggestion.

      The person on the right is Newt Wallen. It’s his channel. He’s a man.

      The person on the left is Metz. I used to call her PVC Bondage Girl because she wore PVC bondage gear in the videos. Now I call her PVC Bondage Guy. PVC Bondage Guy is a woman. I only call her a guy and use male pronouns because she says that she’s a man. Obviously, she is not a man but I call her a man as a joke and to go along with her delusions.

      As I said, it’s Newt’s channel and no, he is not making money from this. He’s not even doing this for fun. He’s doing it to try to get back at his ex-girlfriend (Crystal Quin from Hack the Movies — I call her “Horseface). Newt used to be on Hack the Movies but then got kicked out over a plagiarism scandal on Cinemassacre.

      Newt is also making the videos because he wants to be around “sexy” women. He pays PVC Bondage Guy and other women to appear in these videos. So he’s actually losing money from making these videos. He has a regular job. He works in a cinema.

      1. I see… I believe you. But truth be told, I you had confirmed that the person on the left is the guy in a wig, I would’ve also thought it.

        Making videos because he wants to be around a sexy woman… god, it sure as hell backfired.

  2. He liked a zombie movie? What happened to the “I hate zombie movies and the people who make them” rant this sleazebag made at that porn convention? Oh well, this is the same hypocrite who wrote “Swamp Zombies 2” so no surprise really.

    Another reason why his reviews suck. In addition to rambling and going on tangents he also contradicts himself.

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