Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom – First Impressions – Cinemassacre

0:00 – “I’m always looking for new ways to play games while I’m out on the go.”

Really? How many new ways are there? He’s holding a Switch. Maybe play the Switch? What else is he contemplating? He can use his phone or an older handheld system or one of those Chinese bootleg emulator things. But…he’s ALWAYS looking for new ways to play games while on the go? Why? How many different ways do you need? What exactly is he looking for?

“But the problem comes in when you’re hunched over a small screen like this and you get all that neck pain.”

What? Is this a problem for anyone? I don’t play games when I’m out but I read shit on my phone. It’s never been a problem. I’ve never experienced neck pain even once from doing this. I’ll be sitting on the train reading the news or Reddit or doing German lessons or whatever and…that’s it. The trip is totally uneventful. No neck pain. I just get off at the appropriate stop and go about my day.

Am I weird? Are people are getting neck pain from looking at their phone or handheld video game device? I see the people. They’re all on their phones. Nobody appears to have neck pain from this. What the fuck is Jimmy talking about?

“But Viture has created the ultimate solution!”

The solution to what? The solution to a problem that doesn’t exist.

They’re glasses. Really embarassing glasses. Glasses with thick, pitch black lens. This is your solution to neck pain? Maybe you won’t get neck pain from this but you’d look like a fucking lunatic. Who would wear this in public?

These things are $600, by the way. This is the solution to solving your neck pain problems when playing handheld video games. A $600 pair of virtual reality glasses that make you look like a fucking lunatic.

So that was a 90 second commercial. James was really excited for it. He’s always really excited for the ads and then when the video starts, we get Bored As Fuck James.

Legend of Zelda. Jimmy is all about Legend of Zelda. I really want to know what James Rolfe, somebody who hasn’t played a video game for fun since he was in college has to say about the latest Zelda game.

He’s wearing this fucking hat that’s too small for his head. This is straight up retard shit.

2:00 – Eugh. He was playing this game with his children. It’s fine, I guess, but does he ever play a game without his children? He says that the gameplay footage for this video is a combination of him playing the game and his children playing the game. Eugh. Fuck off. THIS IS YOUR JOB, JAMES. DO A COMPETENT JOB OF IT. DON’T HAND THE WORK OFF TO YOUR CHILDREN.

4:45 – “So check this out. This was the little one. This is the five year old putting together this nice little boat here which she’s very proud of. There you go. Look at that.”

This is so much dogshit.

Then he continues to show footage and says that it’s either “the little one” playing or him. And it goes into such fucking boring detail about who’s playing and who’s proud of who and…come on. Is he out of his fucking mind?

Jimmy…I’m sure that you’re proud of your children. I’m sure that you think that your children are the smartest and the best at video games and whatever. But we don’t want to hear it. NOBODY wants to hear it.

It’s not just fucking retard James Rolfe who does this, of course. This is a common problem with parents. They think that other people want to hear about how great their children are. No. We don’t. I mean, no discourtesy but I don’t know your children and I don’t give a shit about your children.

MAYBE talk about that shit with other parents. Not that other parents give a shit about your children either. But at least if you’re talking about your children to other parents, it’s an excuse for the other person to talk about their children. And you can both talk about each other’s children, with neither party giving a shit about what the other person is saying.

But on a Youtube video? In a video that’s supposed to be about VIDEO GAMES? Where a large percentage of the audience are childless men? No. That is not the place to talk about your children. What the fuck is he thinking?

6:00 – “There’s lots of trees to chop down. Oh, look. That log left behind a little stick. That log had a child.”

What the fuck is this? Is he capable of doing ANYTHING without mentioning his children? Is this just who he is now? When you have children, you lose your entire identity?

I’m ending this. The video just seems like it’s going to be James and his children failing at the game. Why on earth would I want to watch this? This is fucking horrendous.

Let’s see what those childless weirdos on Reddit had to say about this.

  • “Its just “muh kids” for 15 minutes. If this is all unscripted James has to talk about it, I refuse.”

And a lot of the other comments recognise that he’s just talking about his children throughout the video but…they like that. It’s “wholesome.”

No. It’s extremely lazy content from somebody who’s been lobotomised after having children. And Mr Seven and a Half Years in Special Education didn’t have much to work with even before having children.

You get this all the time. Many parents, mostly women but some men, will talk about their children. Always positively. Everybody has the smartest children in the world. I’ve heard this same story from fairly intelligent parents as well as from complete idiot parents. The full range of humanity. They all have the world’s smartest children.

That’s great. I’m happy to hear that the next generation of humanity is going to be completely devoid of dimwits. But can we talk about something else now? Something that isn’t going to bore me to fucking tears?

The man is making a Youtube video. It’s supposed to be entertaining. Why is nobody telling him that his children, while I’m sure very important to James Rolfe and Mrs Nerd, are not interesting to anyone else on earth? What is the purpose of having Screenwave there if they can’t warn James that this sort of content is dogshit?

2 thoughts on “Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom – First Impressions – Cinemassacre

  1. He’s rambling about his kids again? My interest in watching that video was already small, but it is dead and buried after reading that. His kids should only be relevant to his family and close friends, stop bringing them up in videos aimed at complete strangers on the internet. It’s none of their business what your kids do.

    Funny thing is, his incessant need to give out details about his kids has come back to bite him in the ass. Like how he was exposed as a liar when he used one of the childbirths as an excuse to not be in a film that started production nearly a year after the birth.

    So yeah, keep droning on about your kids James. When they become old enough to go to school you’ll probably babble about it and people will question how you have no time if your scapegoats are gone for like five hours a day five times a week.

    1. One day in the not so distant future, his children are going to watch the thousands of hours of footage where James blames them for not being able to do anything and they’re going to resent him for it. I suspect that they’re also going to be completely baffled by it. There’s no reason that having children means that you can’t do anything especially when he’s self-employed and has a fucking team of people working for him.

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