Lets Make cookies and talk about Black Christmas – Newt Wallen

Oh, this is…Tony from Hack the Movies doesn’t have shit on this. Newt has outdone himself.

He has a fat chick with purple hair in a “sexy” dress. And when I say that she’s fat, I’m talking Justin Silverman levels of obesity. Maybe even bigger.

And then that tatted up old prostitute who Newt pays to hang out with him enters. This is going to be something special.

Newt is wearing a Bartman t-shirt from like thirty years ago.

What’s the video about? Who gives a shit. Just lay it on me, Ideas Man. You have my full attention.

The prostitute introduces herself as Fallon. The fat chick is Sophie. It seems to be a genuine woman. I was concerned for a minute, given the sort of people that Newt hangs around with, that this might be a man in a dress. But no, it’s either a woman or a man with a convincing feminine voice. And she looks feminine. Just…corpulent.

They’re from something called Haunted Attraction. Newt asks where they can find them. The prostitute says, “We’re going to be on the Schlock and Awe channel right here on Youtube.”

So…what? What is this? It’s some kind of faction within Schlock and Awe? Why? It doesn’t make any sense. Why give a name to this?

It would be like if Johanna and Horseface teamed together and called themselves, whatever, The Revolting Fansly Twins. And Tony would introduce them as The Revolting Fansly Twins. And when asked where we can find more Revolting Fansly Twins content, Johanna would say, “Right here on Hack the Movies.”

0:15 – “So today, I am at Haunted Attraction’s HQ.”

What is any of this? All of this was created by Newt. I guess. For these two skanks to appear in his shitty videos. Why are they being presented as their own thing? It doesn’t make any fucking sense.

The prostitute is regularly demeaning Newt. She called him an elf and she complained that he took a drink of eggnog without toasting first. This is uncomfortable. I don’t want to watch this. I’m not even a minute in. I don’t want to watch some creepy dominatrix emasculating Newt. I mean…maybe some people are into that but not me.

And there’s really weird lighting or something in this. Everybody looks strange. I think that this was done to make this prostitute look younger. Maybe there’s a filter on the camera or something.

Bad audio on this too. I can barely hear this fat chick. Maybe that’s a good thing.

2:45 – So anyway, nobody except Newt has even seen this movie. So the prostitute tells Newt to give a synopsis. Great stuff, Newt. This is what people want to see. A movie review from three scumbags where only one of the scumbags actually saw the film.

This is so fucking terrible. Now I have to listen to Newt summarise the fucking movie.

3:15 – Newt says, in reference to some movie, “It’s the first boobs I ever saw in school.”

We get it, Newt. Tits and gore. And none of these women who Newt has on these videos is ever in any way impressed with his tits and gore stories. They’re always visibly put off by this shit. Just like these skanks. It’s gross. We don’t fucking care about your adolescent jerk off stories. We don’t want to hear this shit. And women in particular don’t want to hear about hot chicks who you jacked off to.

It makes people uncomfortable. Women in particular. Do you think that that fat chick feels good about her body? She’s doing her best to appear confident, she squeezed into an XL size dress when she’s actually an XXXL, but no. She doesn’t want to hear about hot chicks with big tits when she’s over there weighing fucking 400 pounds. It’s bad enough that she has to sit next to this tatted up old prostitute with her big fake tits.

This whole thing is disturbing. Why were these two even paired up? I bet that this old prostitute intentionally chose a fat chick as some kind of sick joke and to make herself look better by comparison.

What happened to that fucking soccer mom who was in, like, the pilot version of Haunted…whatever this is called? Where did she go?

3:30 – The prostitute says, “You hate Christmas because of boobs?” And then Newt says, “No. I hate Christmas because…” and he starts talking about his cancer diagnosis and getting “dumped”. Nobody wants to hear this. This is not how you pick up the ladies.

He’s PAYING these women and they don’t even want to be there. Right now they’re re-considering this whole thing. Is it worth the $100 or whatever Newt is paying to have to endure Newt Wallen and his creepy comments for thirty minutes? And you have to appear in a Youtube video that the whole world can see?

4:30 – Newt is sort of quoting from some movie. “‘I’m going to lick your pretty pink pussy’ and stuff.”

Everybody is clearly uncomfortable. Then Newt makes a joke to the prostitute, “I get calls from you all the time like that.”

Then Newt says that his pussy isn’t pink, it’s teal. Then he mentions a joke that he heard on The Office about a man with blue urine.

What the fuck is he doing? THIS IS NOT HOW YOU PICK UP CHICKS.

Newt is paying these women. That’s the only reason why they haven’t left already. But even with the payment, this is not how you speak to women. Women don’t want to hear this disgusting, weird, perverted shit. And they certainly don’t want to hear these comments in regards to OTHER WOMEN.

Saying creepy shit to a woman like, “Oh, I’d like to motorboat those big melons of yours” MIGHT work in certain circumstances, depending what you look like, depending what the woman looks like, whatever. There are a lot of variables.

But what will NEVER work, for ANYONE, is saying creepy shit about OTHER women. “Look at the juggs on that chick. I want to dip them in honey.” No woman is going to be remotely turned on by that. It’s going to be a huge turn off. Do I really need to explain this? Newt is over 40 years old.

7:00 – So now Newt has finished summarising the movie, I guess, I wasn’t really listening, and he hands over to this fat chick. The fat chick saw a different movie in this series. So she’s going to summarise the movie now. Riveting stuff.

9:00 – Now they’re decorating cookies. No set up.

Then the fat chick says some sexual stuff…I won’t even…eugh…then the prostitute encourages this…then Newt says some creepy shit and the ladies are really turned off by that.

This is horrible. Everything about this is horrible.

I can’t. I’m at 12:00. This prostitute is TERRIBLE. I can’t take it. I can’t take her lame jokes. I can’t take her “too cool for school” patronising bullshit. I’m turning this shit off. Newt. This is awful. Don’t fucking pursue this for one more second.

Apparently, Newt is working in movie theatres again. He’s made passing comments along these lines in recent videos. Stick with that. Do that full time. Forget these fucking videos. Forget your awful comic book and movie ideas. Everything that you create is shit. I’m sorry. I wish that I could say something more encouraging but this is the reality.

Get a full-time job in a movie theatre and stop all of this other bullshit. You’re wasting your time and money on this objectively unwatchable shit.

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