0:00 – “This is Running on Empty: Food Review”
Oh wait. No. This is Newt Wallen’s Dollar Store version of Report of the Week.
0:15 – “I don’t know why. For some reason, I thought this was alcohol.”
That’s what I assumed as well. With that name, why wouldn’t it be? Why would a non-alcoholic beverage use a name like that?
It’s some beverage aimed at adolescent boys, I assume.
0:30 – “When I used to hang out with Fallon, I was over at her house and her youngest grabbed one out of the refigerator and I was like…’It’s that kind of house'”.
So he’s not hanging out with Fallon any more. After Sucks2Suck wrapped, and only raised like $3,000, she was done with The Ideas Man. Huh. So a prostitute was only hanging out with Newt when there was money involved. Once the money was gone, the prostitute was gone. How unlike prostitutes. This woman is giving a bad name to prostitutes.
Dumbass Newt Wallen paying prostitutes to hang out with him. When is he going to learn?
The last video that Fallon appeared in was the one where Newt was looking at her OnlyFans with her. And it was clear from that video that her OnlyFans was horrendous. With no nudity. Just a lot of female “comedy” videos.
He was going to have that whole fucking show with her. There was a set and everything. And that fat chick. Let me look this up.
The show was called Haunted Attractions. You could find it right here on Schlock and Awe. What happened? It only lasted one episode. This was in fucking December. Is it ever coming back? All great tv shows take a break? What happened to the set at least? Can it be repurposed?
Newt is such a fucking idiot. How many times is he going to let himself be taken advantage of? Form ACTUAL relationships. Not this fucking prostitute shit. You don’t PAY somebody to hang out with you. That’s just common sense. Who the fuck does that?
1:15 – He says that this beverage came from a store called Five Below. It took me a while to figure out what he’s talking about. It’s like a dollar store but instead of one dollar, it’s five dollars. Everything in the store is five dollars or less. At least roughly. I don’t know how strictly this policy is enforced.
How can there even be dollar stores any more, assuming that all of the items are indeed a dollar or less. They had these stores when I was a kid. And surely before I was a kid. What can you get for a dollar any more? A five pack of Juicy Fruit?
3:00 – “The iced tea at least has some kind of get up and go. It tastes like this can’s get up and go, got up and went.”
So now he’s ripping off Time for Timer.
Go to the 35 second mark.
You think that we wouldn’t figure this out? You don’t need the autists on Reddit for this one. Everyone knows about Time for Timer, the 1975 public service announcements. That’s my era. 1975. I wasn’t even born yet but that’s my era. Same as Mike Matei.
5:30 – Newt talks about something called Monster Mania. He almost said “Monster Madness”. I don’t know what this is. Is he talking about Monster Madness?
I had an idea that Newt should do his own Monster Madness. It would be hilarious. There’s an ironic element, of course. And why not? What’s holding him back? James Rolfe doesn’t own the right to making daily videos about horror movies in the month of October. Newt can do it. And he already has a good name for it: Monster Mania. It’s not Monster Madness. It’s changed ever so slightly.
It would be the best thing he’s ever done. Even if it sucks. Which it would. This is Newt Wallen we’re talking about. But just the audacity of embracing the whole controversy. It can’t fail. Even if it does. Which it would.
Anyway, Newt didn’t like the beverage. I had a similar experience with Monster energy drink. First, I got some rip off version at the drug store. It was like…honey comb flavour? I remember it had bees on the can. I tried it and it was awful. I couldn’t understand why people were drinking this shit. Maybe it’s just because it’s this rip off version.
So a few years later, I got an actual Monster energy drink. The original green one. They were selling them in some vending machine in a train station. So I drank it and…no. It’s god awful. I can’t understand who’s buying this shit. I didn’t feel any change in my energy level and it tasted lke shit.
I have the same complaints about tea and coffee. And alcohol. But people are drinking this shit. I don’t get it. Life is full of mysteries.
Monster Mania is a horror convention that takes place in NJ once or twice a year.
Besides that, same ‘ol Newt: lying about all these movies he is making and scripts he is writing.
Anyone with a brain could have told Newt that the stupid vampire flick with Fallon would not meet its funding goal on IndieGoGo! Also incredibly obvious Newt was selling Fallon a bill of goods on his director/writer “talents” that did not exist.
Oh right. Well, there’s still Monster…Craziness. There’s no alliteration but it’s not too bad. Newt can have that one.
It was a flexible goal on that IndieGoGo. They wanted like $15,000 or something but if they didn’t reach the goal, they still go the money. So…I guess that that $3,000 went to the movie. Maybe. Is it ever going to get released? Is Newt still part of the project? Has his name been taken off of it? She gave him virtually no credit for anything on the IndieGoGo. It was presented as a solo project that she was doing.
We just have to wait and see. I’m Suck2Suck will come out some day and it will be awesome.
The whole point of Newt’s channel was to get back at Tony for kicking him off Hack The Movies. A total “I’ll show them!” thing. And he bloviates on Twitter about how he wasn’t doing the channel for views, he just wanted to have a place to review movies… but now he is basically just reviewing junk food on YouTube to get a certain amount of views. This guy is soooooooo starved for attention. Guess he doesn’t talk about that to his “therapist”.
Maybe so but I welcome the change. Anything to get away from these awful tits and gore movie “reviews”.
So…no shower scene? Wasn’t there a video where Newt had just “wrapped up” the shower scene? So no Fallon tits? After people had donated???
There’s still time. They have to edit the movie together. They probably have hours of footage. They have to whittle it down to just the gems.
I remember a blog you did forever ago talking about how Newt should just go all-out ripping off everything, for the ironic humor of it and call himself “The peeved Electronic Game Dork” or something like that lol. I was hoping he’d plagiarize your idea because he obviously reads the blog…
Oh, you’re right. I didn’t remember that.
http://gamergirlsblog.com/2022/04/15/wtf-wednesday-nj-horror-con-wrap-up-newt-wallen/
Yeah, if he just went full bore with ripping off James Rolfe it would be hilarious. But at the very least he can do Monster Madness. The irony is dead on and it’s fitting with his channel. He reviews horror movies.
Man, that blog post was brutal…honest, but brutal lol. Damn. You touched on more than a few things there. Can’t disagree with much of it, I’ll say that…
Liquid Death is just flavored carbonated water. It’s designed that way to appeal to those who don’t drink that always get badgered over the fact that they’re not drinking. It fits in with other drunks and lushes and people tend to stop bugging you about it.