My first time playing Metroid: Zero Mission on GBA – Erin Plays

0:00 – I’ve never played this before!

Why not? Why not play the game for a few hours or days before doing the stream? Why does Erin flat out refuse to EVER play a game in her spare time like a normal person?

Because she fucking hates this shit. She’s only doing this for the money. But what money? She’s not making money from this. There was a leak of what Twitch was paying everybody. It showed exactly how much Erin was making. Let me look this up.

In 2020, Erin made $6,900 from Twitch. That’s for everything. Ads, subscribers, people just straight up giving her money, everything. $6,900 in 2020. Is she making more money now? I doubt it.

Let’s say that she’s making half that amount from Youtube. Especially now that she barely uploads. She’s not even making $10,000/year.

What’s the point of any of this? Is working really that bad? I get it. I hate working too. And if I was working in a record store or retail or something, it would be absolutely awful. But just find another job. Something halfway decent. It’s not that bad. There’s plenty of work out there.

So Erin has this passive-aggressive message on screen that says, “*DiScLaiMeR* This is my 1st time playing a Metroid game so I’m not an expert.” She doesn’t want people giving her shit for playing the game horribly.

First of all, I don’t think that anybody does that. I don’t actually read the chat. Maybe they do.

Secondly, how is this any different from any other game that she plays? She’s awful at all of them.

Thirdly, if you don’t want the abuse over your bad gameplay, get good. Or at least get competent. Play the fucking game in your spare time.

“Metroid has always kind of intimidated me.”

Oh, do tell.

For what it’s worth, I’ve never played a Metroid game either. I have no interest in that shit. I have no interest in console games. Especially not from fucking 30 years ago. That’s perfectly acceptable.

Erin refuses to admit that she’s not interested in video games. Any video games. She continues to promote this ridiculous facade that she’s a real gamer. She’s not interested in Metroid or ANY video game: past, present, or future. That’s fine too. I don’t give a shit. But why can’t she just admit it? Why this ridiculous story about how she’s gone her whole life avoiding Metroid because she was intimidated by it?

0:15 – “The first one I ever tried to play was on Super Nintendo.”

Yes. And it was on stream, for money. Briefly. During a “variety stream”. But, as usual, she leaves that part out. She gives the impression that she played the game as a kid. No. That’s not what’s happening here. She played the game within the past few years, briefly, on stream, during a “variety stream.” That’s what she’s talking about. That’s not the way that anyone would understand that response to mean, but that’s what it means. Erin is intentionally obfuscating the truth. This is what she does.

“I just didn’t know what I was doing and it freaked me out a little.”

Because she played it literally for less than five minutes. That’s what she’s talking about here. The time that she played the game briefly, on stream, for money.

If you played a game in your spare time, you’d have plenty of time to figure things out. There’s no need to get freaked out. Just play the game. It’s not hard.

“This is basically my first time playing a Metroid game, so if that is going to trigger you that I’m not being an expert, then I suggest you don’t watch it.”

Nobody expects expert gameplay from Erin. They’re just there to jerk off.

But it’s not the lack of lack of expertise that bothers me. It’s the constant, unending lies from Erin. Just admit that you don’t play the fucking games. It’s not even a matter up for debate. There’s a mountain of evidence that all clearly shows that Erin does not and never has played video games in her spare time. This is all just for Twitch. Fine. Just admit it. She flat out refuses. She continues this absurd lie about how she’s all about video games and has been since she was a kid.

“Because I have a feeling that some people might get upset that I’m not Ms Pro Gamer…when it comes to Metroid.”

Or any game. We all know it, Erin. That’s not the problem. The problem is the constant mendacity.

1:30 – A horntard mentions her sweater. Then Erin shows off her “Sanrio shirt.”

Erin is all about Sanrio. She’s a big Sanrio fan.

She doesn’t know anything about this shit either. Everything is a lie. She has all of these fake interests and when you probe even a tiny bit, it instantly becomes obvious that she knows nothing about these things. Sailor Moon, Star Trek, The Price is Right, McDonalds Land characters, Britney Spears, on and on and on…these fake interests and then she’s immediately exposed as a fraud who knows nothing about these things.

For example, she claimed to be a big Match Game fan a while ago. So then she started thinking about her favourite celebrity panelists on the show. “Brett…is it Brett…Somers? She makes me a little nervous but I like her. I like them all.”

Didn’t even know her name. She didn’t know the name of perenial Match Game star Brett Somers. She appeared in hundreds of episodes. For years. Somehow, this information passed Erin by. How is it possible? Erin is a big fan of the show.

Well, that’s just Brett Somers. She must know the host, right?

Sure. Old Ray Born.

“And I really like the host…(long pause)…Ray Born…Ray Burn?”

Gene Rayburn. Host of the show from 1962 to 1969 and then the reboot from 1973 to 1982 and then the third short-lived reboot in 1983.

Gene Rayburn. Appeared in every fucking episode of The Match Game for nearly twenty years. Erin doesn’t know his name. She really likes him. She loves the show.

She does this constantly. Her entire life is a lie. And a BAD lie. If she was a good liar, that would be one thing. But her lies fall apart instantly. And the lies are totally POINTLESS. Who gives a shit if Erin likes The Match Game or not? Why would she lie about that? But she does. She lies about absolutely everything because she does not have even one genuine interest. She’s like some fucking pod person trying to replicate how a human behaves.

So she’s talking about her “Sanrio” shirt. Do people even say that? Would they not just say “Hello Kitty”? I’m not some “Sanrio” or Hello Kitty expert so I don’t know the parlance. Maybe, by sheer luck, Erin is right. But she says that the shirt is “really cute”. Oh, that’s fascinating. Thank you for that insight, Erin. We really needed to know if the shirt was cute or not. We couldn’t just use our own judgement and reach our own conclusion on whether or not the shirt is cute. We need to be told that it’s cute.

4:15 – “Press-er-veer-ence” for “perseverance”. What a dope.

5:00 – “What’s cool is you can do ‘easy’ or ‘normal’.”

I paused the video right here. Place your bets on which one Erin is going to choose. I’m going all in on “easy”.

“I’m going to do easy.”

If Vegas ever starts taking bets on Erin, I’m going to be able to retire.

“…Because…like I said, this is my first time playing it. I’m not trying to prove anything.”

But she ALWAYS picks the easy mode. This isn’t an exception. Although, I guess with most every game she plays, it’s also the first time that she played the game. Except if she’s playing Castlevania or something that she’s played on stream before.

5:45 – She’s reading from the chat. “Did I go backstage at the Taylor Swift concert? No!”

It’s like she’s insulted by the question. Why would she even…did she want to do some groupie shit with Taylor Swift? Lick her pussy? Assuming that Taylor Swift is into that kind of thing, do you think that she would go with fucking Erin Plays? A middle-aged woman with no job and no interests and no charisma?

6:45 – “I really like how this game looks. It’s like really cool colours, you know?”

Eugh. Riveting commentary as always, Erin.

Then she talks more about this Taylor Swift concert. Mike went there with Erin, presumably. God, that guy has no idea how to be a sugardaddy. Here’s how that conversation should have went:

Erin: Hey…Mike? Want to go to the Taylor Swift concert with me?

Mike: Fuck no. This is not what I’m paying you for. Now put your Power Pad booty shorts on and give me a lap dance.

But instead, he said, “Oh, yes. I’d love to humiliate myself by going to a Taylor Swift concert. Front row seats? Of course, sweetheart.”

9:15 – “Either I’m doing something wrong or I can’t access that yet. I can’t remember.”

How can she not “remember”? She just spent five minutes telling us that she never played the game before.

Because this is what she does. She constantly uses phrases like “I forgot” or “I can’t remember” when describing things that she’s never done before and has no experience with. It’s part of her compulsive lying.

15:00 – Erin is totally lost. I’m done.

  • “If you end up liking this game enough after you beat it, you could replay it again on the harder difficulties. Beautiful game.”

That was from the proprietor of Man Baby Gaming. So what does Erin say to the love of her life? “Yeah I might!”. Fascinating stuff, Erin. I understand why Mike keeps paying you to stick around. Your charm and charisma is just overpowering.

  • “Erin, you would make the best elementary school teacher. Patient and clear communicator”

Erin replies, “Haha, I don’t know about that. But thank you!”

How dare you suggest that Erin get a job? She’s doing exactly what she wants to do with her life: getting fucked in the ass every night for $10,000/year.

  • “Avgn channel is better”

Well, you’re almost certainly right, Svort Tsirhc. But are they even in direct competition? Both James Rolfe and Erin Plays pretend to be interested in retro video games but the similiarities between the channels pretty much end there.

Maybe Erin should start doing some scripted stuff. Her non-scripted stuff is god awful, of course. Mike could write some AVGN-style reviews and skits and whatnot and Erin could read them out. I’m sure that her channel would skyrocket as a result.

3 thoughts on “My first time playing Metroid: Zero Mission on GBA – Erin Plays

  1. I remember Joe from Game Sack saying that you must be watching her videos because you secretly love them. I can’t believe how stupid that is. That is the same as saying the Mystery Science Theater 3000 guys are just roasting all those bad movies because they secretly love them. Lost a lot of respect for that guy after that.

    1. I don’t actually remember him saying that, but I’m sure he did. I remember him saying not talk about him any more, in relation to Erin. And that Erin and Mike were the “perfect couple”, which I found really odd and stated as such. And when I asked him what exactly is it that he likes about Erin’s videos, he said he likes when she points out background stuff that he hadn’t noticed before. That was a ridiculous explanation, of course. He also declined my offer to read the blog so that he can see exactly what my gripes were about Erin.

      I lost a lot of respect for him after that exchange too. Because I was polite and told him that I enjoyed his videos. I was just stating the obvious truth that Erin is a fraud. Although, I suppose that he was replying to the comment about him posting flirty messages on her videos, which he did and continues to do, but obviously he took offence to the insinuation.

      So ever since then, whenever I mention Joe from Game Sack, I make sure to mention that he’s a beta oribiter. Because that’s clearly what he’s doing. I’m just stating fact with all of this. I’m not being a dick about it. The facts are simply unpleasant.

      1. I mean how could he even deny it at this point? Just a few weeks ago she tweeted at him to “win her something” from an arcade. That’s something a suitor does, not just a friend.

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