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  • A Horse Riding a Bull – Crystal Quin

    https://twitter.com/CrystalQuin/status/1732168610347409786

    Get your ding-a-lings ready for this one. This is super sexy. Crystal Quin, “First time riding a bull last night!”

    Whoa. I’m…this is hot. It’s in super slow-mo so you can see her in her usual half of a top and…she’s on a mechanical bull. She’s also sticking her tongue out to add to the excitement.

    I don’t get it. I don’t get any of this.

    First of all, let’s just recap my views on Horseface’s appearance in case you’re new here. She has the face of a horse. If it weren’t for her abhornent personality, I’d give her a 4/10. With the abhorent personality, she’s a 2/10.

    But bafflingly, she’s convinced herself that she’s a hot chick. And this is how she lives her life.

    I’m reminded of the whole transgender issue. You have a guy in a dress and he wants to be treated like a woman. Because he apparently thinks that he’s a woman.

    Similarly, Horseface apparently thinks that she’s a hot chick so she expects you to treat her like a hot chick.

    I’m not going for it, Horseface. I reject the assertion that you’re a hot chick.

    I don’t want to define a “hot chick”. It’s not like you can give a list of criteria, “She has have big tits and long hair and blue eyes” and whatever. No. Hot chicks come in a range of flavours. But I know a hot chick when I see one. And Horseface isn’t it. Not by a longshot.

    Now that we’ve discussed the horse, let’s discuss the bull. I don’t get it. At all.

    There was some movie in the 80s that had a hot chick riding a mechanical bull. Does it all come from that? What was the name of the movie? Let me look this up.

    Urban Cowboy? Can that be right? Was there even a woman in that?

    Oh, I was thinking of Midnight Cowboy.

    No, Urban Cowboy has John Travolta and Debra Winger. Let me look for a clip.

    Okay, this woman dressed like one of the Hee Haw Honeys rides the mechanical bull and does various sexual poses on it. So I guess that’s where the idea of a mechanical bull being sexual comes from. This 1980 movie that I don’t think many people have even seen. I’ve never seen it.

    I think that sexy hillbillies were still a thing in 1980. I mentioned Hee Haw.

    I’ve never seen the show. Not even one second. I don’t think it was even shown in my area. It was a syndicated show by the time I was alive. So maybe none of the channels in my area picked it up. I didn’t live in the South, after all. And the show appealed to Southerners.

    Hot hillbillies goes back to at least the 1960s when you had The Beverly Hillbillies, Petticoat Junction, Green Acres, whatever. There was a whole hillbilly chic at the time.

    But I still remember remnants of hot hillbillies in the early to mid 1980s. Well, I suppose that you had The Dukes of Hazzard. Daisy Duke, of course. I mean, everybody knew what “Daisy Dukes” were even if you never saw the show.

    That knotted top that this woman in Urban Cowboy is sporting was definitely a thing. It was a hot hillbilly thing. But my memory is just too hazy. I can’t think why hot hillbillies were still popular into the 1980s, I can’t give many examples, but I just know that they were.

    There was a country music revival in the 1990s but I don’t think that the old school hot hillbillies were still a thing by then. The airheaded farmer’s daughter trope.

    I saw this mechanical bull on an episode of Naked News probably from the mid 2010s. Naked News was one of the first big pornographic websites that I think started in the late 1990s. By 2010, nobody was interested. It was strictly viewing for lesbians. The women were…oh god…terrible. I’d call the women MILFs but I don’t think that they were mothers and I don’t want to fuck them. They were just old Canadian lesbians, no offence to Pam aka CannotBeEntertaining. The show was filmed in Canada.

    But they one woman on there during this era from Eastern Europe. Her English was marginal, which is why she wasn’t used on the show much. But massive tits, which is why she was on the show at all. She was the one presentable woman there by this time.

    By the way, I only know about this because I downloaded a bunch of Naked News videos from some torrent site out of nostalgia. They were the then-current Naked News episodes. It was just weird, boring, feminist…I don’t even know. Apparently, this is what lesbians want to watch. But a heterosexual man? No.

    So there’s some woman with huge tits riding this mechanical bull. It doesn’t go anywhere. It’s not particularly exciting. But apparently this is some kind of fetish for…for who?

    People who saw Urban Cowboy as teenagers in 1980 are now approaching 60. Is this Horseface’s target market? Maybe it is. I don’t know.

    There’s some kind of sexual element to this mechanical bull. I mean, I get that it’s kind of similar to intercourse. Maybe. Although, I tend not to spin around during intercourse.

    I suppose that the woman’s breasts are bouncing. Maybe that’s a part of the appeal. Although, in Horseface’s case, this wouldn’t really apply.

    Thigh muscles? Is that what we’re going for? Guys are interested in women with strong thighs?

    I just don’t get it. I don’t get any of the sexual appeal of the mechanical bull. I also don’t get any of the sexual appeal of Horseface. So the whole thing is just confusing and unsettling for me.

  • My thoughts on Baldur’s Gate 3, Stasis: Bone Totem, Dead Island and more – Cannot be Tamed

    This is Pam’s update video for the month of November. We’re dying to know what games she played in November. Lay it on us, Pam.

    0:15 – Shout out to Point & Drink Adventure.

    She says that she talked about the same stuff in the second Point & Drink Adventure this month as she did in the first one. Well, truth in advertising. It’s the same boring bullshit every time.

    2:00 – She was in Massachusetts and played Maximum Force. Great.

    By the way, she went as some video game vampire for Halloween.

    https://twitter.com/Jasyla_/status/1719488257069613092

    Whoa! I’m…I’m hard over here. Erections, et cetera.

    She’s talking about Baldur’s Gate 3, by the way. I just have it on as background noise. It’s boring as fuck.

    7:30 – She says “CRPG” about about five times in three seconds. I don’t know what this is. I don’t care to look it up. Fuck off.

    So that’s the video. I skimmed through the rest. God damn is she boring.

    Let me look at the comments. She left angry comments to the horntards, surely. That’s her thing. She’s boring and she has a complete lack of manners.

    • “Also (and I hope this is okay to say), that is killer eyeshadow.”

    There are a lot of messages about her makeup. This guy is afraid to say anything. “Hey, can I be a giant creepy loser?” Dude. You do you. You don’t need to ask permission.

    • “Have you looked at STRAY GODS? A Visual Novel as Musical with Greek Gods. Kinda Wolf Among us, Telltale-ish, looks pretty cool”

    Visual novel. Uh huh. Sounds riveting.

    What was that game where you were trying to help a couple get through their relationship difficulties and you could type whatever you wanted? They were in their apartment. Let me try to look this up. Façade. Yeah. Even the title is pretentious.

    But I was all about that game for a few weeks. There are a lot of hilarious videos about the game on Youtube, or at least there were 15 years ago.

    • “Liking the cleavage situation”

    Wait. Did I miss something?

    Oh yeah. I didn’t even notice. It’s kind of a sheer sweater and you can see whatever she’s wearing underneath. A bra or something. I wasn’t even looking. I’m not interested in Pam’s breasts. Come on.

    But yeah, it’s an attempt to pull in the horntards. Clearly. And then she has the nerve to call these people nerds and claim that it was all innocent.

    So I got these Skittles Desserts recently. This guy gives a detailed review:

    I don’t know if they’re available in the US. All of the videos I’m seeing are of weird middle aged British guys.

    Oh, here’s an American one:

    Yeah, they don’t really sell candy in that size in the UK. They’re in bigger bags as shown in the first video.

    Anyway, they’re mild. Creamy. I enjoyed them.

    I don’t really know how they taste individually. I always eat about four at a time. Tasting the rainbow.

  • Godzilla Minus One (2023) Review – Cinemassacre

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xubEPzbUUms

    For some reason it says that I couldn’t embed the video. Maybe it’s because the site has been down a lot the past couple of days. Erin is trying to hack in.

    0:00 – So we’ve got James Rolfe in front of a greenscreen, of course. He’s greenscreened his “nerd room”. You know, instead of actually just filming there.

    0:30 – “How can I adequately describe how good this is?”

    Well, you can collect your thoughts and write a decent review. Have you considered that?

    1:00 – James says that only Japanese people can create good Japanese movies. Pretty racist.

    There are Chinese restaurants in the UK that are owned and staffed by white British people. And you think, “This can’t good.” But why not? Who’s to say that these people haven’t been cooking Chinese food for years?

    If you saw a Chinese person working in a hamburger place, you wouldn’t say, “This is going to be shit.” But for “ethnic” food, it probably is common, albeit wrong, to expect people from that ethnicity to be cooking it.

    Sure, James Rolfe can’t make a good Godzilla movie. He couldn’t even make a good AVGN movie. But I’m sure that there are plenty of talented American writers and directors out there who could make a great Godzilla movie. And on the other hand, there are plenty of Japanese writers and directors who would make a complete piece of shit Godzilla movie.

    So don’t bring your racism here, James Rolfe. The guy shits his pants over 80 year old Three Stooges shorts but is perfectly content to tell you that Japanese people are inherently better at making Godzilla movies than non-Japanese people.

    5:00 – James Rolfe doesn’t like that the people are formulating a plan to fight Godzilla over the course of several days. He specifically cites a dinner scene as being unrealistic because you wouldn’t have time to eat.

    What? What is he suggesting? People work flat out, for days, with no eating or sleeping?

    Then he gives his idea on how to improve this. He imagines a scene where people are starting the meeting and then suddenly Godzilla appears and kills everyone. He suggests that this would be great.

    Uh huh. This is why those talented Japanese guys are making Godzilla movies and why you’re sitting in front of a green screen talking special education bullshit.

    9:00 – He ends the video by saying, “I’m going to get back to work on nerd.”

    Uh huh. Sure you are. Give that faggot from Movie Dumpster who writes the scripts my regards.

    So anyway, James enjoyed the movie. Great.

    I haven’t seen it. I don’t plan on seeing it. I saw Cloverfied years ago. That was okay. I’d catch the old Godzilla movies when they were on tv, as a kid. I don’t remember much about them.

    So where are we going with this? Japan? Wacky Japanese porn.

    Oh, I’ll tell you. Many years ago, there was some website that had wacky Japanese porn on it. I don’t know if it was a blog or what. But it was very difficult to download stuff from there. I can’t remember why. They made it intentionally difficult if you weren’t paying.

    But there was one video that really spoke to me that I wanted to get: Zenra Nude Volleyball. I still have the video. It’s fucking two hours. Must have been a DVD rip.

    There’s no sex. It’s just middle aged Japanese women doing warm up exercises, like I guess they do in Japanese schools, and then they play some strip volleyball.

    The volleyball skills of these women is actually decent and they seem genuinely competitive. This really adds to the video.

    Somewhat off-topic, I used to watch something called Danube Women Wrestling. This was back in Kazaa days. Around the same time as this volleyball video, probably. And it would be women doing oil wrestling or whatever. But semi-competitive.

    I found it disappointing because although it wasn’t as obviously fake as a lot of the “cat fight” videos where the one woman sits on the other woman’s face and makes her lick her pussy and whatnot, it was still clearly not a shoot.

    Why can’t somebody make genuinely competetive videos? Just give the women an incentive. The winner gets $500 and the loser gets $100. Something like this. I’m sure that there are regulations against this in the US. A genuine sporting competition requires some kind of sanction, whatever. But these Danube videos were made in Eastern Europe, I think. Anything goes, surely.

    Back to this volleyball video. Most of the women are just average or even below-average looking Japanese women. But there’s one kind of chubby woman with huge breasts. By Japanese standards, anyway. She becomes the star of this thing. The other women are cupping her tits and she’s jumping up and down and whatnot.

    It adds a much needed psychological component to the movie. I don’t know the plot or anything. I don’t speak Japanese and there aren’t any English subtitles. But from what I gather, the other women are jealous of this woman’s big tits. Here I am getting naked and playing volleyball for ¥20,000 or whatever, but this big titted slut is getting all the screen time. It’s an injustice.

    So yeah, James Rolfe is recommending Godzilla Minus One and I’m recommending another great Japanese film: Zenra Nude Volleyball.

  • Thanksgiving with PVC Bondage Guy

    1:00 – Newt asks PVC Bondage Guy how her Thanksgiving was. PVC Bondage Guy says that she worked. “I always volunteer to work holidays because a) I know nobody else wants to and I get time and a half; and b) then I have an excuse not to see my parents.”

    PVC Bondage Guy goes on to say that she saw her father twice this month, which is apparently a lot for her. I assume that he lives nearby and she just doesn’t want to spend time with him.

    She says that her father tried to guilt her into visiting for Thanksgiving because her step-mother’s father will be there and he’s getting on in years.

    I’ve been there. Every fucking year. Every year my mother reminds me of her age and that I should come visit for Christmas. Yeah. I know your age. I know that you probably won’t be around for much longer. I’m content with never seeing you again.

    My mother is a horrible, disgusting person. But I’ve tried so many times to just leave things in the past, try to move on, give her another chance, and she continues the horrible, disgusting behaviour.

    At some point you give up.

    Let’s get back to PVC Bondage Guy.

    She didn’t have time to visit her mother but her mother gave her some leftovers. Great.

    It’s a fairly wholesome story. I mean, obviously PVC Bondage guy has a lot of problems. And her family does. Because PVC Bondage Guy is nuts. Her brother, from what little I know, is quite possibly even more mentally ill. This doesn’t happen for no reason. Some deeply weird shit must have been going on.

    Her father was/is a vetererinarian. He has a college degree. Presumably, he went to some veterinarian school after college. He’s an educated guy.

    And yet his children…I’d be surprised if they finished high school. PVC Bondage Guy is working in a bowling alley. She’s doing porn. This isn’t typically what happens. Well-educated parents tend to have well-educated children. If that’s not the case, something seriously fucked up.

    So she doesn’t want to talk to them. I’m sure it’s justified.

    ,

  • Tiny Toon Adventures NES Video Games – Irate Gamer

    Wow. This was posted over a month ago. Time really flies when you’re not paying attention to this trash. So let’s see if he can top “boner biting dogs”.

    0:00 – “As you know, the Tiny Toons reboot show has returned to tv.”

    What? No. I didn’t know that. I’m not keeping up with 1990s children’s cartoon reboots.

    0:15 – He sings the Tiny Toons theme song but replaces the words with “I’m the Irate Gamer” and so on. And it’s so fucking embarrassing that I don’t even want to talk about it. So let’s move on.

    Let me look this reboot up first.

    Middling reviews.

    Oh, there was also an Animaniacs reboot that got middling to good reviews.

    I’m not interested in any of this shit. I wasn’t interested when I was a kid in the 1990s. I watched the early seasons but how old was I? Oh, like 7th and 8th grade for Tiny Toons. Yeah, I was getting too old for that shit. And Animaniacs was later. I remember being in like the 11th grade and hearing some 9th grade girls talking about it and thinking, “This is embarrassing. They’re too old for this.”

    Now, Chris BORES is a couple of years older than I am. So he must have been in high school and watching this shit. I was watching in the 7th and 8th grade, and was embarrassed then, and I was a pretty childish kid. I played with toys for a long time. Shit like this.

    Chris BORES was watching Tiny Toons in high school? He wants to admit that?

    1:00 – But first a word from our sponsors: my own shitty blu-ray.

    According to the screenshot, only 84 people have pledged money but he’s raised $7,669. How? These retards have deep pockets.

    1:30 – “I used to love renting this game back in the day.”

    AS A TENTH GRADER? Let me look this up. Maybe I got his age wrong.

    Well, apparently he’s about my age. I could swear that he was a couple of years older. Oh, I was thinking of John Riggs.

    2:00 – I don’t remember anything that he’s describing, by the way. I don’t remember any of the characters. I couldn’t have been watching the show that much.

    2:15 – He basically says that the game is good but he’s going to shit on it anyway just because that’s his thing. Or James Rolfe’s thing, at least. So he proceeds to make really petty criticisms of the game. “Boy, look at this jumping animation. It sure is stupid, right.” Uh huh.

    3:00 – He describes a character in the game as being as useful as “Turding in a blender.” Oh. I see. So not very useful, I guess. Like…turding in a blender.

    It doesn’t even make fucking sense. It’s too stupid to even get into. But your similes or metaphors or whatever have to, at a minimum, make GRAMMATICAL sense. Then, ideally, you want them to make LOGICAL sense. There is NOBODY who is “turding” in a blender. There’s no circumstance where that would ever achieve anything.

    Let’s look at some actual similes that describe useless things. “Screen door on a submarine.” Boy, you’re right. A screen door on a submarine wouldn’t be very useful. It would let the water in. You don’t want water in a submarine. Makes sense.

    “Turding in a blender.” Explain it to me, Chris BORES. How does that expression work AT ALL? Fucking faggot just wants to talk about asses and poop and dicks and dogs chewing on dicks.

    3:15 – “What a bonafide, grade-A turd burger.”

    Again with the turds. Does anyone even say “turds” any more? Did they ever?

    4:45 – Chris BORES is complaining because…hold on. I have to unpack this.

    He says that the game is good. And that’s a bad thing. It’s a bad thing because it’s only good because it stole gameplay elements from other games.

    But not one minute earlier, Chris BORES suggested that the game should have been more like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He says that you should have been able to swap out characters on the fly, to make the game easier. Chris BORES is really concerned that this game for children is too difficult.

    So…this is what happens when you like a game and are just saying that you don’t like it for the purposes of some shitty Youtube video. You end up saying shit that doesn’t make sense, shit that contradicts the other nonsensical shit that you said, and talking about poop and bestiality.

    5:45 – Acting so terrible and embrarrassing that I don’t even want to talk about it.

    6:00 – “Well, shit in my pancake batter.”

    He just says it for no reason. “Turding in a blender” and now defecating in pancake batter. Is this funny to anyone? A 45 year old man talking about defecating in various things that you should’t defecate in?

    “Well, poop on my….sunglasses.”

    “Drop a steaming load on my…vintage typewriter.”

    None of this is funny. It doesn’t make fucking sense.

    6:15 – “Throw a gorilla faeces at the wall to see what Rorschach-like paintings materialise from all of that dripping poo water.”

    First of all, I don’t believe that gorilla faeces is particularly viscous. They’re vegetarians. But secondly, this is fucking retarded. It’s certainly not funny. It’s not clever. But most of all, as per usual with this moron, it makes no fucking sense.

    6:45 – Chris BORES can’t figure out why the sequel to the game takes place in an amusement park. Because it’s a typical place where video games, particularly for children, are set? Then there’s just a montage of Chris BORES dying because he’s bad at the game. This is stupid. It’s not a failing of the game, it’s a failing on your part.

    7:15 – “I guess that this is one light between those butt cracks.”

    Once again, he says it for no reason and it makes NO FUCKING SENSE. He just wants to talk about butt cracks. And can’t even do so in a coherent fashion. Because he’s a) gay, and b) retarded.

    7:45 – “When it comes to the second Tiny Toons Adventures game, why didn’t they make it like the first game? Because that would have made it a homerun.”

    BECAUSE THEY TRIED SOMETHING DIFFERENT, YOU MORON. And he just went on about how fucking shit it is when games steal concepts from other games. So he complains about how the first game was ripping off Super Mario Bros and whatnot and then says that the sequel should be just like the first game. It should be a rip off of this rip off game.

    Has he thought any of this out at all? If you’re going to criticise a game, it has to be consistent and it has to make sense. He can’t achieve this. His mind is just full of competing homoerotic imagery. It clouds his senses. So you get this stream of consciousness bullshit that makes no sense and it’s interspliced with totally random references to butts and poop and penises. See a psychiatrist and get a boyfriend.

    8:00 – He’s now talking about a game that lets you make little animated cartoons. And he says, “Does this even qualify as a game?”

    No. No, it doesn’t, Chris BORES. Don’t you get it? It’s software to let you make little cartoons. I mean…this guy is a fucking retard.

    So he’s mashing the buttons, pretending to “play” the “game”, and he has a bored expression. It just boggles the mind. He’s actually going to “review” this thing as though it’s a game. I don’t know how any human being can be this stupid. We’re now at animal levels of intelligence.

    9:00 – Now he’s playing the Super Nintendo game and he sucks ass at it so…that means that the game sucks. At least in his warped mind.

    10:00 – He’s playing the Game Boy game and he says that it’s good because it’s like the first NES game. That means that it’s a side-scroller. Then he says that you can switch out the characters. This is something he complained about with the first game. Then he says, “Come, you asshole. Thanks for raping my childhood yet again.”

    Anyone want to explain this? It’s grammatically incorrect, of course. At least I think it is. I don’t know what he’s trying to convey. This Game Boy game, that he’s never talked about before, “raped” his “childhood” “yet again”. When did it do it the first time? What does that phrase even mean?

    10:45 – Then, for reasons that nobody on earth can explain, he suddenly takes that first NES game and throws it into a rainbow-coloured anus, effectively. Then Chris BORES appears in the rainbow-coloured anus and says, “And that’s a wrap.”

    That’s how the video ends.

    The whole video was nonsensical, unfunny, stupid bullshit. This is what he does. These are his videos.

    • “Annoys me that you are not as big as you should be , I had hours of fun watching your old videos they are classics and up there with avgn early stuff too”

    Chris BORES replies, “Me too. I pissed the YouTube brass off in 2012 because I wouldnt sell out and nothing was ever the same. One day I’ll talk about it.”

    He’s done this conspiracy theory nonsense for a long time. He’s mentally ill. You see it in the videos. He can’t even create anything coherent. The videos scream mental illness.

  • Plagiarism and You(Tube) – Newt Wallen

    Four hours of some gay English guy droning on? No thanks. But helpfully, he time-stamps the Newt Wallen section: 27:45.

    30:30 – After a few minutes of the usual homosexual complaints about Screenwave, we get the first reference to Newt Wallen. It’s about his tweet where he said he was going to write 20 scripts for Monster Madness.

    31:00 – 9/11 reference.

    31:30 – They out the homosexual guy on Reddit who discovered the plagiariasm.

    32:45 – The fag in the video keeps referring to the woman who wrote the 28 Days Later review as “doctor” and “professor”. Go fuck yourself.

    33:15 – Shout out to the unnamed intern.

    36:00 – “Soon it became clear that almost everything Newt did and said was copied.” And there’s a reference to that AVGN roast where Newt delivers some stolen jokes.

    37:45 – James Rolfe’s “I apologise but I didn’t do it” video.

    So that’s the video. That portion, anyway. It was nothing interesting. Nothing new was discussed. It was the same shit but maybe that’s just because I go to that homosexual sub-reddit. If you don’t go there, it’s a fine summary of events.

    • I don’t think I’ve ever seen a channel go down in flames like Illuminaughtii, and I used to watch it. She had so many people eating out of the palm of her hand Also, i’m sure Newt Wallen was pretty close to becoming the George Santos of ghostwriting”

    After spinning my scroll wheel about 500 times and searching for “newt”, that’s the only comment I could find.

    So what am I going to do? This video was a total dud. Well, just call it an early day. I have a lot of people to report Newt to. It’s my full-time job now.

    ,

  • XXX-MAS Philly Premiere – Newt Wallen

    0:00 – He’s talking about some comic book called Koni Waves or something, that a friend or “friend” of his made. He talks about a crowd funding tier for this that included a script that Newt wrote. What an incentive. You can read some poorly-spelled, poorly-written, probably plagiarised tits and gore script from Newt.

    1:15 – Newt boasts that he shat out this script in two days.

    3:15 – He finally starts talking about XXX-Mas. What a showman. He was leaving me in suspense.

    It’s “premiering” in a cinema that he works at.

    I’m starting to zone out. I’m five minutes in.

    6:00 – Shout out to that crack addict prostitute who Newt pays for.

    7:30 – Newt is in this piece of shit “movie”. He plays a cameraman for porn movies. He says that he didn’t want to read the script, he only read his lines.

    He goes on to say that…he ad-libbed everything. So…this is a disaster. He has no idea what the movie is about and he’s just ad-libbing everything.

    This seems to be what all of the “movies” that Newt has some involvement with are like. They have some shit script but then don’t bother following it. On the day of the shoot it’s just, “Hey, say whatever.” Why even have the script then?

    And you know it’s going to be shit. These aren’t professional actors. Even if they were, it’s a rare ability to be able to ad-lib something halfway decent. They’re ad-libbing an entire fucking movie? These fucking dopes with no talent? Whores and plagiarists? Is this what you want to see? There’s your marketing angle: ad-libbing whores and plagiarists.

    8:15 – He has a death scene and suggests that the faggots on Reddit would enjoy it.

    9:30 – Newt says that he’s going MC the “event” and PVC Bondage Guy will be there. He’s hyping where to get the tickets and whatnot. They’re $10 and only available on some website. You can’t buy them at the door. Why the fuck not?

    But anyway, this is all a big selling point. Come see Newt and PVC Bondage Guy.

    11:00 – Newt says that “internet trolls” from Reddit were reporting this movie to the city council as pornography. Newt is outraged by this. How dare these “trolls” report a movie called XXX-Mas as pornography? This movie that stars actual whores?

    How does he know that they were from Reddit? It sounds like concerned citizens.

    So Newt had a meeting with the city council and the mayor and explained that it’s not porn but there are “boobs and butts” in it.

    Imagine this meeting. Newt Wallen with the city fathers explaining tits and gore to them.

    Is it possible for a mayor to ban somebody from their town? I bet that the mayor was checking the statutes after that meeting just to make sure. “I want this fucking cretin out of my town.”

    11:30 – “Then I have to go down this fucking rabbit hole and explain to these professional, older people, ‘Okay, so there’s this thing called Cinemassacre and there’s this thing called Monster Mania (sic), and I used to work for this company and do this thing. And there’s this Reddit group. Then there’s this crazy guy in England who used to write a blog about me every day.’”

    Why on earth would he explain all of that? They’re just wanting to know if XXX-Mas is a porn movie. And from the way he described it, it sounds like a porn movie. Focus on that. You don’t have to talk about Reddit and blogs.

    Oh, I see. He’s blaming Reddit and me for reporting this. Newt, get it through your thick skull that I’m not fucking reporting you to the mayor. I don’t care about any of this.

    12:00 – Then Newt suggests that I should get a hobby. I have one. Talking about you. But for the 100th time, I am not involving local authorities in any of this.

    12:30 – Newt says that he was concerned that he was going to affect the prosperity of this “movie” with this meeting with the mayor. He says that he was afraid that he was going to get labelled a “smut peddler”. You know…for this “movie” called XXX-Mas starring actual whores.

    15:00 – Newt says that he want to explore more acting roles.

    Then Newt ends this video with a disgusting sexual half-joke.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go work on my list of people to report Newt to. There’s the mayor, the city council, everyone who owns a cinema in the state of Pennsylvania, The Writers Guild of America, Jessica Chastain, The Pennsylvania Psychiatric Society, and Gayguru dot coach.

  • Is Mulan the Worst Game Boy Game EVER? – Erin Plays

    A return to the simple joys of Erin Plays. This parasitic woman has really enriched my life. What would I be doing with my time if it weren’t for Erin?

    I used to go to a message board. A pink message board, as it happens. I’d talk to the people there. This was a message board that I went to since like 1998. And I went there up until, well, up until I started with the homosexuals on Reddit five years ago or whatever.

    That message board used to be teeming with people. And I’d go there and say, “Hey, this band sucks”. And they’d say, “Boo. No, you suck. Americans are all doody heads.”

    But as I got older, I became less antagonistic. I got to know the people who posted there. A lot of people enjoyed me posting there. Some of them didn’t. I stole focus from the subject of the website. I understand, I guess. People went there wanting to talk about the band but really how much is there to talk about? It’s a community. People would talk to and about each other. I didn’t even know or like the band.

    As the years went on, people stopped going there. By 2015, the forum was absolutely ancient. The very concept of a forum was ancient. It became a core group of just about three of us. Then it was basically just two. Then it was basically just me talking to myself.

    The guy who owned the website wanted to close it. So I took the website over. I paid for hosting and whatnot.

    Then covid happened. And I said fuck it, I’m not paying for this. I had the world’s most expensive hosting provider and didn’t want to bother changing. And it was just me posting there, really. Ocassionally, somebody would stop by to say, “You’re still posting here?” or give an update on their lives or whatever.

    So I started the blog. When I created it, I chose the same colour of pink as the message board was. And it basically fulfills the same function. I can talk about whatever and people can comment. Unmoderated. That was another thing I liked about that forum. There were no moderators.

    It all worked out then. And it’s all thanks to the charisma blackhole, the total fraud, the woman who is wasting every single second of her life: Miss Erin Plays.

    So is Mulan the worst Game Boy game ever? No, of course not, you silly woman. It’s probably not even in the top 50. But you want to churn out another god awful, ignorant-as-fuck video to get a few pennies from horntards. God bless your extremely poor decision-making abilities.

    0:00 – She compares the game to Hercules on Game Boy, a game that she played one for a Youtube video. She even helpfully links to the video.

    We’re off to the races, Erin. Inspire me with your complete lack of knowledge about video games.

    “This is going to be my first experience playing Mulan on Game Boy.”

    I like that she’s started admitting this after YEARS of me asking her to do this. Has it affected her channel at all? No. It’s as dead as it ever was.

    “Look at that sprite.”

    That’s a not a sprite. She doesn’t know what a sprite is. Or is it that I don’t know what a sprite is? A sprite is like Mario in the game where you can make him run or jump or whatever. Or the bushes in Super Mario Bros that have that two frame animation or whatever. A sprite is not a static image, though. Because that’s what she’s looking at. She’s looking at a static title screen. Am I wrong? Let me look this up.

    “In computer graphics, a sprite is a two-dimensional bitmap that is integrated into a larger scene, most often in a 2D video game. Originally, the term sprite referred to fixed-sized objects composited together, by hardware, with a background. Use of the term has since become more general.”

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sprite_(computer_graphics)

    Ummm…so I don’t know. But I think I’m right.

    0:45 – She dies almost immediately. On the training level.

    1:15 – Then she dies again. Same spot. “I don’t understand.”

    This is some good stuff. This is entertainment. Who needs Hollywood and their billion dollar blockbusters when you have a woman knocking on 40 stumbling through an old video game that nobody, least of all her, gives a shit about.

    2:15 – You have to throw…throwing stars or something at these target boards. And these boards pop up if you don’t run past them quickly enough, forcing you to throw a star at them again. Erin absolutely can not do this. It’s unbelievable. She’s stuck on the TRAINING level.

    4:30 – She compares the game to Hercules again. After having played it for about four minutes. And she played Hercules for probably about the same length of time. She’s a real expert, this Erin Play. Her opinions on video games are totally valid and informative.

    6:30 – After stumbling through a rope-climbing area, Erin once against meets her most fearsome foe: stationary wooden targets.

    7:45 – The game has like Prince of Persia type controls. Erin doesn’t know this. Erin doesn’t know what Prince of Persia. Erin doesn’t know what day it is. Where she’s at. Life is just a blur for Erin. But she’s at a section where you have to jump from a certain point to land on some logs. Erin says “What are you supposed to do here?” after she repeatedly jumped in the same incorrect spot.

    8:30 – Erin is perplexed at a character performing kung fu. “Look at his arms, he’s just like” and then she demonstrates a “funny” and/or “cute”…I don’t even know…flailing of her arms. No. It’s kung fu, Erin. Don’t you get it? This thing takes place in China. The guy was shirtless and Chinese. All the clues were there. This is a kung fu master. But fucking retard Erin thinks it was just some guy waving his arms around.

    Then she ends the video. She didn’t even get past the TRAINING level. But she still sees fit to proffer an opinion on this game. She again compares the game to Hercules, saying that it’s “Been a while since I’ve played it.” Yeah. Not since you made the Youtube video. Just be honest. Nobody gives a shit.

    So she compares this game, that she barely played, to another game that she barely played. And we’re supposed to find this somehow informative. We’re suposed to give a shit about her transparently worthless opinion.

    Another shockingly awful video to add to the Erin Plays library. Let’s check out the comments.

    • “That picture of Mulan on the intro screen wasnt a sprite Erin, cmon youre better than that.”

    She really isn’t. And you should know that.

    A lot of horntards commenting on her top. She wore a tight top. We’re supposed to be jerking off to this, I guess. It seems that some people are.

    • “Erin, you ever play Snow Bros on the Gameboy?”

    What do you fucking think, retard? Have you seen the video? Then no. I don’t get these people.

  • My Final Class in High School

    From the summer after 8th grade to my final year in college, I always took classes in the summer. Not because I was dedicated but because I was a poor student. I failed classes.

    So I was two credits short from graduating. If you were one or two credits short, they still let you go to the graduation ceremony but you were expected to go to summer school afterwards to make up for your missing credits. And I guess that I was two credits short so I had to take a math and an English class.

    I don’t know how vigorously this was enforced. Because I’m pretty sure that I got the diploma during the graduation ceremony. And I was already accepted into a college. What if I just didn’t go to that summer school? Would anything have happened? Would the school have told the college? Would have the college have even cared? I think that they let people in who didn’t finish high school.

    I know that high schools make threats that if you don’t do well in your final semester at high school, the college might rescind their offer. But has that ever happened? There’s no fucking way.

    So anyway, after I “graduated” and before I started college, I had to do these two classes in summer school.

    Summer school was always a joke. It’s like six weeks. I think that the classes were like two hours, so twice as long as a normal class, but still it’s six weeks. And the most you could take was two classes.

    It wasn’t in my normal high school. Every year, summer school would be held in a different high school in the district. So for this particular year, it was in some fucking ghetto school that was like 90% black during the normal year but because summer school was a mix of kids from all of the schools, it was more diverse.

    I think that I’ve talked about the English class before. It was some fucking giant creep who was retiring that year. He had an exercise where we had to look into a cardboard box that had all kinds of wacky shit in it (doll’s head, pencil with an eraser on each end, shit like this) and covering the bottom of the box was a Playboy centerfold. Fully nude but this was from an old Playboy from probably the 1960s so she was “tastefully” posed.

    We were instructed to approach this box in groups, one group at a time, and look into this box for 60 seconds. We were repeatedly told not to say anything when we look at the box. Just look at it and try to remember everything in the box.

    So my group goes there and some Mexican guy I was with says, “Whoa!” when he sees the centerfold. The teacher screams at him not to say anything.

    It was some weird fucking fetish for this guy. Force a group of high school kids to look at this old Playboy centerfold in silence.

    Then afterwards, we had to say to our groups what we saw. And he walked around and listened in on the conversations. My group didn’t have any conversation, we just wrote down what we saw on the Mexican guy was preparing the master list. The teacher didn’t like this and told him that he’s not a secretary, we have to discuss what we saw.

    This was all part of the fetish. This creepy teacher wanted us to talk about this nude woman.

    Then afterwards, he says that he overheard one group talking about this centerfold and an argument broke out. Somebody in the group said that there was a Playboy centerfold in the box and one of the girls in the group said, “No, he wouldn’t do that.” This teacher found it really amusing that the girl thought that he wouldn’t do that.

    He was a creep. Another time, he told a story about how he overheard some students who were traumatised by going into a strip club and seeing a former classmate of their working there.

    Anyway, he’s dead now. He has to be.

    The other class was a math class. Actually, now that I think of it, that English class was after my 11th grade year. Not 12th grade. For 12th grade, I only had to take one class. It was this math class.

    It was the usual group of…let’s just say academically-challenged students who go to summer school. It was a fairly young teacher. It was a guy. Did I even have any women math teachers in high school? I don’t think so.

    It was maybe a third black, a third Hispanic, and a third white. I never had any problems, which always surprises me looking back. I never really had any problems ever in high school with “bullies” or whatnot. Which is weird because I was really withdrawn and didn’t have friends. I would talk to people a little in school if I had a class with them but we weren’t hanging out after school or anything. People thought that I was a cool guy and all but…it was just such a waste. So many missed opportunities to develop friendships and get stuff going with the ladies.

    Anyway, this math class. There were a couple of black girls who were friends or something. And I knew this Mexican guy who went to the same school as me. So we sat together, the four of us. I didn’t really talk to them but this was my group. And one day this Mexican guy is telling one of these black girls to show him her tits. Something like that. I wasn’t really paying attention. And then she pulled her top down and showed him.

    I don’t know what she showed. I wasn’t really paying attention. Maybe it was just her bra. But this Mexican guy was freaking out and the girl was laughing and saying, “Well, you told me to show.”

    Another time, this same girl was talking about her relationships. Something like “Yo, yo, yo. Niggas be movin’ from one bitch to another. Like ‘this pussy’s used up, I’m moving on to the next.’” And again, this Mexican guy couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

    It’s not a direct quote but she did say, “This pussy’s used up, I’m moving on”. I remember that part.

    I was with a different group for this next inappropriate story. There were two girls, one was Mexican, the other was white. Neither were lookers. And there was a white guy. And this guy starts talking about porn and the girls are giggling. He’s complaining about how on the Spice channel they never show the woman fellating the guy. They’ll cut away or her hair will be in the way or whatever. And the girls are just laughing at the audaciousness of the conversation.

    The other black girl in this group was regularly late for class, as black people often are. You could only miss three days of school, something like that. If you missed three days, you automatically fail. And if you were late, it counted as 1/3 of an absence. If you were late by more than ten minutes, it counted as a full absence.

    So this girl would regularly come in late and the teacher started warning her about this, saying that if she keeps this up, she’s going to fail.

    She comes in one day, smiling and laughing. And the teacher looks up stone-faced and says where were you? She says, “Oh, nowhere. I’m just late.” He looks at the clock, she was like 11 minutes late, and he says, “You’re not late, you’re absent.” This put her over the absence limit.

    She stopped laughing and just looked at him for a few seconds, contemplating the situation. Then she turned around, threw her book in the trash, and said, “I guess I won’t be needing this” and left. Never saw her again.

    That guy was crushed. He said to the class, “There are rules. I’m just following them. Don’t make me out to be the bad guy.” Nobody said anything.

    Who knows what happened to any of these people. If they’re still alive, they’re almost certainly still in that ghetto. Had a few kids.

  • Mint Salad Saw Barbie (2023) (RECAP & REVIEW)

    Oh, we’ve got Horseface and Mint Salad doing a video about the Barbie movie. This is some real feminism. Is Horseface going to be the one getting pissed on this time?

    In case you don’t read every article, Mint Salad has a Fansly where she gets pissed on by her fat hillbilly pimp. Horseface knows this and apparently has no problem with it. Horseface did a Fansly “collab” with Mint Salad connected to this video. She aggressively advertises it as here:

    According to the comments, Horseface doesn’t go nude. Thank god for small mercies. But she’s perfectly happy to do softcore porn and support this woman who’s doing watersports material with her aggressive hillbilly pimp.

    0:00 – They’re sitting on some little couch in Mint Salad’s pimp’s home, I guess.

    Horseface immediately starts talking about Tony from Hack the Movies. She pretends not to like him. Whether she does or not, I don’t know, but without Tony, she’s done. If Tony ever finds a woman to agree to do these reviews who doesn’t have the face of a horse, she’s out.

    3:45 – Horseface is talking about how everybody had a “weird Barbie” and Mint Salad, who’s an orphan, says that she never had a Barbie before.

    Horseface then, weirdly, says that she’ll buy Mint Salad a Barbie. Mint Salad says that she wants a black Barbie.

    5:15 – Horseface says, “Every toy I had had sex with each other”. She goes on to say that even her Matchbox cars engaged in intercourse.

    Why is everything about sex with this fucking horse-faced bitch? Even when talking about her CHILDHOOD TOYS she has to introduce sex into the discussion.

    She thinks that this is sexy. She thinks that everybody wants to fuck her. Horseface.

    6:00 – Horseface says that that half the world has “plastic titties.” Who is her social group where that figure is even close to true?

    Then Mint Salad says that she doesn’t have any silicone and cups her tits. Horseface does the same thing. We’re supposed to be jerking off to this?

    Mint Salad: So I don’t have anything in common with Barbie.

    Horseface: Besides you’re pretty.

    Mint Salad: Aww. Thank you. You’re pretty too.

    Horseface: Aww. Thank you.

    That’s why Horseface said it. This is Horseface’s thing. She says that EVERY woman is attractive because she wants the compliments in return. She’s a total narcissist.

    10:00 – After a bizarre rant that had to do with her job that I couldn’t make heads or tails of, Horseface says, “I like hanging out with males or females or even people of non-gender identification.”

    Eugh. Fuck off.

    “I like hanging out with people.”

    As opposed to horses? What the fuck was the point of this rant? Something about the patriarchy and she can’t get an editing job or…something. I don’t know.

    10:15 – Mint says, “Do you think an autistic person would do well in this society?”

    Nobody cares. She’s talking about the Barbie world, by the way. Worry about doing well in this world. Start by not getting pissed on for money.

    And Horseface is just sitting there with this woman who gets pissed on like it’s nothing. She’s actively supporting this behaviour.

    12:15 – “How about we just lift each other up and don’t hate each other or get jealous of each other.”

    That was from Horseface. Horseface is doing some next level feminism here. Lifting up her fellow human beings by supporting them getting pissed on by their hillbilly pimps.

    14:00 – This pimp is the world’s worst cameraman. He keeps zooming in and out and shifting the camera around. Really distracting. Just put it on a tripod, you piece of shit.

    15:45 – Mint Salad predicts that she’ll be dead in 70 years. I feel terrible saying this but I think that she’s being extremely optimistic. The life expectancy for prostitutes, which is what she is, is…well…significantly less than 95, I’ll just say that.

    16:45 – Horseface suggests that she’s from New York or lives in New York or something.

    17:30 – Mint Salad goes on a bizarre and inaccurate rant about teenage drinking. She suggests that if it was legal for teenagers to drink, there wouldn’t be as many alcohol related deaths for teenagers. She goes on to suggest that in Europe, teenagers can drink.

    I mean…I don’t know the laws of each country but it’s 18 to drink in the UK. That’s technically a teenager, I guess. But…weird and creepy rant from her.

    21:15 – Horseface says that she’s going to get her own Youtube channel in the near future. Don’t you threaten me, Horseface.

    Then the video ends with a list of Mint Salad’s Patreon supporters. Tony from Hack the Movies is there.

    Speaking of which, Tony from Hack the Movies is ALL OVER the comment section. Well, he has two comments. But it’s two comments out of nine. So he’s responsible for 22.2% of the comments.

    He doesn’t say anything interesting. It’s not even worth copying and pasting. He’s just trying to be a funny guy. He’s supporting this woman who gets pissed on by her pimp. This woman who Tony undoubtedly pays to have sex with.

    ,