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PVC Bondage Guy Having Sex with Newt Wallen for Money
For the first 40 minutes or so, it’s PVC Bondage Guy talking about going to a wrestling convention and the wrestlers all wanting to have sex with her. She mentions that she only started watching wrestling TWO MONTHS AGO but now she’s all about. She’s really into ECW because of all of the blood and cutting and whatnot.
Two months. She’s been watching wrestling for two months. And now she’s going to wrestling conventions. And some guy who she met there, who of course wants to have sex with her (everybody does, apparently) is taking her to WrestleMania.
What 26 year old woman suddenly gets into professional wrestling? And she’s only watching stuff from the 1990s. ECW stuff.
Who gets this obsessed over ANYTHING? Let’s say that you decide to take up crocheting as a new hobby. Are you going to go out and buy every type and colour of yarn you can find and get to work on an ornate tapestry? Do you go to knitting conventions? No. You take things slowly. You learn the basic stitches. You make a shitty scarf.
It screams mental illness. Everything she does screams mental illness.
Speaking of which, she talked about not “correcting” some wrestlter who used female pronouns for her. You know…because PVC Bondage Guy is a man. That’s what she wants us to believe. Like we’re fucking retards.
Not even retards. Because a retard would say, “Wait a minute. You don’t look like a guy. Why do you want us to say you’re a guy?”
If it doesn’t pass the retard test, you’re not a guy.
So anyway, Newt is talking about a video of his that got flagged for nudity. It had PVC Bondage Guy in it.
46:15 – After shooting this video that got flagged for nudity, PVC Bondage Guy said that she did a review that she tried to upload to her OnlyFans.
PVC Bondage Guy: I’m currently running into some minor issues.
Newt: I hope you’re not a minor
I’ll come back to this creepy comment later.
47:00 – PVC Bondage Guy says, “We’re big proponents of talking about mental health.”
Don’t be. Keep it to yourself. Nobody gives a shit.
Why do the mentally ill seem to want to tell everybody that they’re mentally ill? At least the mentally ill on Youtube. And it’s overwhelmingly women. Newt does it too because he’s an effeminate faggot.
What makes mental illness so special? Let’s say that you have a physical illness or condition. Incontinence, for example. Would you go on Youtube and constantly talk about shitting yourself? I mean, you can. And I’d be sympathetic. There’s no shame in being incontenent. But we don’t want to hear about it every fucking time you upload a video. Talk about something else. Don’t you have other things going on in your life? Are you completely defined by your medical conditions? It’s ridiculous.
And there’s nothing wrong with keeping some things private. Again, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if you have incontinence or mental illness or whatever. But why advertise? Why not keep some things to yourself? Because we don’t need to know your full medical history. I’m not your fucking doctor. It’s irrelevant.
But these mentally ill losers, and they are losers, make no mistake. Being mentally ill does not give you a pass from being a loser. These mentally ill losers LOVE talking about themselves. They can’t get enough of it. They love talking about their “meds” and all of the crazy bullshit that they do. Because they think that they’re more important than you. “Look at me and all of this crazy shit I do. Aren’t I wacky?”
Go get a job. How would that be for a wacky idea?
By the way, in this video PVC Bondage Guy reveals what her job is. He/she/it works in a bowling alley.
How is the bowling industry in the US holding up? In this day and age, what with the internet and all, are people still going bowling? Are the young people joining leagues and whatnot? I think that bowling peaked in the 1960s and has been on a steady decline ever since.
I went to a bowling party for my school band when I was a kid. Just about everybody knew how to bowl. Even the girls. I didn’t. I never went bowling because my parents were completely absent. So that was an awkward party for me. But everyone else knew how to bowl. It was normal to go bowling. Some of them were in leagues.
But not kids nowadays. It’s impossible.
I was watching a bowling show just recently that had actors from the Brady Bunch on it.
I won’t spoil it but Barry Williams is clearly the only one who knew how to bowl. But his partner Maureen McCormick was whacked out of her mind on cocaine. So who will win? Find out.
Back to Newt. Newt says that he’s been going to therapy for two years. Nobody cares. But just wait. We’re building. Let’s see what good all of this therapy has done for Newt.
47:30 – PVC Bondage Guy says, “At this point, I don’t think it’s a secret. You guys have probably figured this out. But I have been making some form of adult content since literally the day I turned 18.”
Then Newt makes a joke surprised face.
PVC Bondage Guy continues, “That’s not why I’m here. That’s not why I’m talking to you guys. If you find it, you find it. But it wasn’t under Metz. It wasn’t under my deadname either.”
Nobody cares.
50:00 –
Newt: We had a bet with the Discord that if we reached 12,000, we would fuck.
PVC: Which you guys have been waiting for forever.
Newt: We’ve known each other for eight years.
So since she was 17/18. Uh huh. This is the call back to that “minor” “joke” that he made earlier.
Newt: And it was always a joke but do we want to give away anything? You can. Anyone who sees the review is going to see you topless so that’s reason for them to sign up for it.
PVC: That’s true. I did do the review topless.
Well, she is using my idea. I’ve long advocated for topless OnlyFans reviews for these women to make some easy money. But now that it’s happened, this is just sad.
Then Newt says that Blue Chew contacted him for an ad recently.
Then they just change the subject. Newt got up to jerk off and PVC Bondage Guy started talking about wrestling again.
52:00 –
Newt: Was it good? Was it awesome?
PVC: It was good. I have no complaints.
Newt: I hope not.
They’re talking about this sex video that they apparently made.
What a complete scumbag. There is no bottom to Newt’s scumbag behaviour.
PVC Bondage Guy, as she repeatedly makes clear, is mentally ill. And he’s clearly taking advantage of this woman sexually and for Youtube pennies.
53:00 – PVC Bondage Guy says, “I asked my brother to get my old laptop because it has my old sex partners spreadsheet.”
That must have been an awkward conversation. I mean, in a normal family it would be. But not with this family of lunatics.
54:45 – Newt says, “It wasn’t awkward or weird or anything like that. It was fun.”
Sure. Nothing awkward about having sex with a deeply mentally ill woman, 20 years younger than you, while filming it for money.
I think that I can skip the next seven hours of this stream. I’ve got other stuff going on in my life. I can’t watch this derranged bullshit the rest of the day.
What was the point of any of this? I get that Newt is a horny loser who has sex with prostitutes and that PVC Bondage Guy will have sex with anyone but how does this advance the channel at all? Or how does it improve their lives? Newt made it clear in this video that he’s not interested in having a relationship with PVC Bondage Guy and he just wanted to have sex with her. Because he’s a scumbag. So where does any of this get us?
It’s just bringing PVC Bondage Guy and Newt further into their mental illness that they love talking about so much. None of this is healthy behaviour, of course. It’s degenerate and exploitive behaviour. Is he going to bring this up with his alleged therapist? “Oh, I had sex with a deeply mentally ill woman half my age recently. That’s good, right?”
What about his dear mother that he cares so much about? Is she going to say, “I’m proud of you, Newt. I’m proud of you for fucking that lunatic half your age”? Is his mother going to tell Newt that she loves him? She’d have to be mentally ill herself to have any love for this piece of shit. I know that it’s her son and everything but fuck him. Sometimes you have to cut your losses. She probably wishes that she got an abortion.
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Arby’s NEW Big Game Burger Review! – TheReportOfTheWeek
This guy. I used to watch his videos. They were interesting in brief doses, for a short period, but he quickly wore out his welcome in my subscription feed.
Also, he banned me because I pointed out his obvious homosexuality. You know what I’ve noticed? People don’t like it when you call them gay. Even when it’s true. Maybe especially when it’s true.
What’s the problem? There’s no shame in being gay. If that’s what you’re into, that’s what you’re into. But be out and proud. That’s all I’m saying. Here’s how the discussion should have went.
Commentator: Report of the Week is so quirky! I love him!
GamerGirls: It’s not that he’s quirky. He’s clearly gay.
Report of the Week: Yeah. I’m gay. Big deal.
GameGirls: I agree entirely. It’s perfectly fine.
Instead, he banned me.
So anyway, this is a guy who makes Youtube videos in oversized double-breasted suits that he finds in thrift stores. He’s been doing this since he was like 20? Maybe younger than that. He’s maybe in his mid to late 20s now. It’s no longer cute, if it ever was.
He also broadcasts a show on shortwave radio.
He’s CLEARLY gay. CLEARLY. But we’re just supposed to ignore that. No, he’s not gay, he’s just wacky. Okay. You go believe that.
He’s reviewing an Arby’s hamburger. Let’s check it out.
2:30 – It’s a venison/elk/beef burger. That is interesting. They obviously aren’t just selling a venison burger because they’re trying to make this as low-cost as possible. So the beef makes things cheaper.
3:00 – “When you think of Arby’s you think of roast beef, chicken, that kind of thing.”
Chicken? It’s been too long. I haven’t been to an Arby’s in fucking 25 years. They sure as fuck weren’t selling chicken then. You’d get a roast beef sandwich and a potato cake. I was reading something a few years ago saying that apparently they don’t sell potato cakes any more.
Yeah, I looked it up. They don’t sell them any more.
I remember when the curly fries came in. They were really good and presented a problem. Because I liked the potato cakes but I also liked the curly fries. I could only get one. It seems that the curly fries won out.
As a kid, my grandfather was visiting us from the Old Country. I forget which one. And we were showing him around the ghetto. We stopped at an Arby’s. Brought the food home. And he’s eating this roast beef sandwich. He’s never seen something like this before. They didn’t have roast beef sandwiches anywhere in Europe in the 1980s.
Then he finished it, and in his language he said, “That was the worst hamburger I’ve ever eaten in my life.” And my mother translated this for us. And everybody laughed. It was a wholesome moment. This old man expressing bewilderment at American fast food. Thinking that a roast beef sandwich was in fact a hambuger.
It’s true, of course. If you’re expecting a hamburger and you’re eating a roast beef sandwich, it’s going to be the worst hamburger of your life.
Never in a million years would I eat an Arby’s again. I’m just recalling what they were like. It’s like half a pound of roast beef, which has congealed together, on some thin bun. And there’s nothing on it. No toppings. Not even onions. And you put that fucking Arby’s sauce on it. What even is Arby’s sauce? Let me look this up.
It’s a tomato-based sauce. If you say so.
Don’t get me wrong, I liked the sauce. They started selling them in bottles at the store. But it’s a terrible culinary experience. A fucking roast beef “sandwich” that’s clearly shaped like a hamburger, and you put this weird sauce on it. No thanks.
4:45 – It’s $9 just for the burger. That’s some crazy prices.
12:00 – He says that it tastes like a hamburger. It’s true. You can get venison burgers in the UK. They taste like hamburgers.
That’s all of that shit that I’m going to watch.
This Arby’s that I went to as a kid is no longer open. It’s a Mexican restaurant now. The town is mostly Mexican now. Going along Google Street View, you see a lot of signage in Spanish.
The place was like 80% white when I was a kid. What happened? You can’t have a country like this. Well, we already have a country like this. It’s called Mexico.
Believe me, I have no problem with the people of Mexico. They’re fantastic. They’re friendly. They’re rabid hemp enthusiasts. The ladies tend to have big melons. What’s not to like?
But guys…you have to learn the fucking language. That’s my only issue. You can’t come to a country and expect everybody to learn your language.
So that’s reason number ten billion why I don’t miss the US.
And you can’t talk about any of this sort of stuff in the US lest you be labelled a racist. Something as common sense as, “If you move to a country, you should learn the language”.
The UK is also pretty sensitive on these issues. But in mainland Europe, you can find some magnificent open talk about immigration and race issues. They’re not shy about stating the obvious. But in the US, and to a slightly lesser extent in the UK, you have to tiptoe around these sort of issues. You can’t state facts that everybody knows are facts or else some purple-haired freak is going to call you a doody head.
I think I’m going to move back to my ancestral country. Get in touch with…whatever there is to get in touch with. Some local ladies’ buttocks. Bond over our shared and righteous contempt of gypsies. Just people telling it like it is.
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Ray Mona Commercial and Character Voice Over Reel (2023)
It’s nuts. It’s embarassing. It’s Crazy Bobdunga’s commercial and character voice over reel.
She does like a California Valley Girl voice. She does a hillbilly voice. She does a little girl voice. She does her normal voice.
What is she hoping to achieve with this? Do the horntards have connections? Are any of them in the commercial or video game making industry?
Send this shit to…I don’t know…casting directors. Get an agent. Take some acting classes. Whatever it is that people do to try get acting jobs. It’s not this. I’ll tell you that much. Posting this on your Youtube channel will not help at all.
She’s in her early 30s and has all of these hair-brained schemes to get wacky jobs. She made a butter commercial before. Just for herself. She was trying to get a job in some Asian Youtube house. I think that she wanted to be an artist, or maybe I’m confusing her with Pelvic Gaming (who definitely wants to be an artist, but maybe Bobdunga does as well).
No. Just get a job. A normal job that pays you a wage. What is so terrible about that? Billions of people do it.
I’m a big Donkey Lips fan. Or Michael Ray Bower as he likes to be called. He makes sporadic videos on Youtube. He’s nuts. And he’s stupid. And he’s chronically unemployed. He lives in a tiny studio apartment in Los Angeles with no stove. I’ve never even heard of this. But he refuses to get a job because he says that he’s a creative person and as a creative person, he just can’t do it. He can’t work a regular job.
Look, Donkey Lips, I appreciate your role in Salute Your Shorts. I also thought you did a bang up job in those two episodes of The Wonder Years that you were in. And I saw your cameo in Dude Where’s My Car. But this was TWENTY-FIVE YEARS AGO. You might want to consider getting a job.
I’ve always respected Gary Coleman for getting a job after the acting roles dried up. People at the time made fun of him for working as a security guard. It’s absurd. He did the responsible thing. He did the thing that was most dignified. Instead of embarassing himself by continuing to try to get acting jobs, he got a regular job like a normal person. And the Jews in Hollywood made fun him for this.
Where’s your “natural habitat”? The unemployment line?
“Hey guys! Look at my ass from three years ago.”
No, Bobdunga. I’m not interested.
Bobdunga claims that a voice acting agency contacted her over this video. And separately, some production company wants to turn her Tales of the Lost or whatever series into a tv show. How is it possible? She released another one like a week or two ago and I can’t bring myself to watch even one second of it. That shit is unwatchable. They’re all the same. Bobdunga doing the world’s worst X-Files rip off.
Even if Bobdunga is the funniest woman in Canada, where does that get us? Watch out, Caroline Rhea.
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Spider-Man 2 ps5 Unboxing – Destiny Fomo
You guys like Spider-Man, right? Well, you’re in luck. We have 30 year old prostitute Destiny Fomo who’s going to tell you all about the latest Spider-Man game. Well, I guess not. But she’s going to unbox the game anyway. That’s…I don’t know. Maybe somebody will get something out of this.
0:00 – Oiled up titties. You don’t even see her face. Maybe her pimp TuanX was smacking her around. All you see if Madam Fomo’s oiled up tits and a Spider-Man box.
Oh, and she’s in front of her “play room”. There’s a ball pit behind her. That’s where her clients ask her to…I don’t even know. What’s the appeal of having sex in a ball pit? It’s some little girl thing. Her Amazon wish list is full of toys and whatnot, which she obviously incorporates into her prostitution job. But…a ball pit? And what the hell was that Lite Brite used for? How can you incorporate a Lite Brite into intercourse? Fill her pussy up with those light bulbs and then have her sit on that light box? I don’t think that that will work.
Anyway, back to the video. She’s jiggling her tits. In case you couldn’t figure out what this video was about.
I don’t think that she’s even speaking during this. She seems to be pretending that she’s speaking but…I don’t think she is. I think that the speaking is all done in post-production.
Oh, it’s a Spider-Man themed PS5. It comes with the game. I thought it was just the game that she was unboxing. I did wonder why the box is so big.
1:00 – “If you guys would like to see me use that ballpit behind me” and she advertises her Twitch. Well, there’s that. Or you can pay TuanX $100 and enjoy her ballpit services that way.
But what are we supposed to get out of this? I don’t get it. What is she doing in that ballpit on Twitch that’s so appealing? Let’s say she’s in a bikini and frolicking around in there. Who cares? Who’s getting off on that? It’s completely bizarre.
1:30 – She advertises her OnlyFans. It’s currently 70% off. Only $3/month. For the next 30 days only. Yeah, right. She CONSTANTLY has a “sale” price. She’s like a furniture store. Nobody fucking wants that scam shit so people don’t stay subscribed. You go there thinking, “Oh yeah. I’m going to see some titties” and then it’s fucking Madam Fomo trying to shake you down for $150 for a masturbation video WHERE SHE’S FULLY CLOTHED. Or the world’s most pathetic jerk off instructions. Who needs this? You need jerk off instructions, send me $20 and I’ll walk you through the process. Fucking retards haven’t figured out how to jerk off, I guess.
1:45 – Like, comment, and subscribe, boys. Fucking pathetic. She’s shilling CONSTANTLY. Just make a video, you fucking dumb prostitute. Then people will subscribe because they like the content. Nobody is going to subscribe because they’re being badgered. “Oh, she told me to subscribe. I better do it.”
2:15 – She said “tight” for the third time this video. And right before this, she emphasised the word “hard”. Get it? I’m getting all worked up over here.
4:00 – She said “comes” and “screws”. Hot.
4:15 – “I’m a big Spider-Man fan.”
Oh, do tell.
Has there ever been a prostitute story in Spider-Man? I’m sure there has. Let me look this up.
https://marvel.fandom.com/wiki/Yekaterina_(Earth-616)
There was a mutant Ukrainian prostitute who Electro was getting it on with. She could change her appearance into anyone, so that was the draw. But then one day, Electro was wanting a little something different so asked her to morph into X-Man. Just then, Spider-Man, a known homophobe, attacked.
It’s unknown what happened to Yekaterina after this.
This was in a 2004 comic. Bring her back. This is a character whose story must be told.
5:30 – After talking about her tits, she again tells you to go to her OnlyFans. No. We’re not doing it, you dumb whore. Knock it off.
8:30 – Like and subscribe, guys.
No. Listen. Stop this. It’s not helping.
Then she ends the video with her “send me a text” scam. God only knows what this is. She signs you up to premium rate texts or something. Every text she sends, you have to pay for. She used to aggressively promote this scam. Her pimp TuanX has the same scam.
- “Nice ad in my feed, did you really grease up your chest?”
See? It’s not just me. People don’t like this shit.
- “I can be the one who oils you up if needed”
Madam Fomo replies, “my girl friend does it for me lol”
Uh huh. So now she’s pretending to be gay. Well, this is new. She’s taking a page out of Johanna and Horseface’s book.
She lives with her pimp. We’re not fucking stupid.
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Erin’s Blogging “Career”
I saw on 4Chan people theorising that Erin used to be a camgirl before she got into Youtube. And this is why not much is known about her life before Youtube.
I regret to inform you that I really don’t think that that’s the case. She was just a really, really, REALLY boring woman.
I’m going to try to keep this vague and certainly not post links.
She used to write for a blog. This was from 2014 to 2017. She started the Youtube channel in 2017. So she would have been like 27 in 2014. It’s a music blog. She wrote about indie music, whatever that is.
You’ve never read more boring prose in your life. It’s one of those blogs where there’s a picture or video and then a tiny paragraph under it and then another picture and another tiny paragraph and so on. And she’s just saying, “Hey, I like this obscure band. And I like this obscrure band. And this obscure band is pretty cool too.” No real reasons are given. She just likes them.
And she gives a shoutout to Mayor McCheese. So this is an unfunny “joke” that she’s been using for a while.
At the bottom, there’s a…whatever…little description of the writer. It says that she has a degree in creative writing. She’s referred to this as having an English degree. She’s never said “creative writing”. But apparently it’s a creative writing degree that she has. You would never in a million years guess this from her BORING AS FUCK articles.
She basically went to a community college. I don’t believe that California has a community college system but she went to the California version of a community college.
Her fondness for Disneyland is also mentioned.
So it seems like in 2014, she was trying to make something happen as a blogger. She had the degree in creative writing, after all.
How much did this pay? I don’t know. I wrote for a blog briefly around this time. It was probably around 2010. I think that I got £25 per article. And my articles were much, MUCH more involved than this complete drivel that she’s writing. Many more words. And witty. And well-written.
I stopped doing it because they were butchering my work in the editing but the point is that you’re not making a living off of this shit. It’s impossible. You’d have to write like four articles a day, every day, at least at the rate I was getting. Good luck finding anywhere near that much work. And then each article takes at least like two hours to write, at least mine did. Erin was clearly shitting her articles out in 15 minutes.
It’s the same level of dedication, or lack thereof, that she put into her Youtube career. And then she sits in Mike’s home, rubbing her ass, and wondering why nothing panned out for her in life.
Because you’re completely talentless, Erin. And you put no effort into anything.
She was also, presumably, working at the record store during this time. It’s not like she was working full-time as a blogger. This was just for extra money, I guess.
She wrote over 300 articles for this blog. Or “articles”. Some of them are only a paragraph. Again, I can’t stress this enough, they’re all really, really low-effort and BORING. POINTLESS. But she was doing this for three years.
All of the articles are completely cookie-cutter. “(City) native (Singer) is (age) and has a great new album out. I like this song and this song and this song.” It’s the most boring fucking shit in the world. No personality. No voice. This is accurate. This is Erin. She has no personality and no voice. Because she’s never fucking done anything in her entire life.
If she was a camgirl, would she behave like this in her videos? I don’t think so. She would have had some interesting life experience if she was a camgirl. She would have developed some kind of personality from having to entertain the horntards.
She also had some of her letters published in a music magazine. We’re talking about 2004/2005. So Erin aka Cykill86 would have been like 17/18 years old. I can’t be too harsh. I guess. But holy fucking shit. It’s the most boring shit you’ve ever read in your life. “I like this band and boo on everyone who disagrees.” NOBODY CARES!
So…this is Erin’s life. She played Super Mario All-Stars briefly in high school. Then she went to a community college. She threw up at a Pink Dog. Got a degree in creative writing. Got a job in a record store. Started writing for a blog. Started her Youtube channel. Got fucked in the ass by Mike Matei in exchange for Youtube promotion. Failed miserably at everything.
Well, I shouldn’t say that. Maybe she’s really good at the ass fucking. Mike doesn’t seem to have any complaints.
But in terms of careers, a totally wasted life.
Has it really only been six years that she’s been doing Youtube? Because I’ve writing about her for like four years, I guess. Yeah, I think that’s right. She started that Youtube channel and then immediately started looking for a sugardaddy. She was messaging Joe from Gamesack and Mike and whoever else.
So it’s not too late. There’s still time to turn her life around. She hasn’t sunk too much time into this. But effort has to be put into whatever she does. I think that this is the problem. She doesn’t put any effort into anything. She’s also completely talentless, and that doesn’t help, but find something that you’re decent at and enjoy doing. You’re not going to find it while crying in Mike Matei’s bathtub.
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This Heybike Tyson Ebike is the Best way to Ride – John Riggs
It’s an ad. Everything has to be a fucking ad with this guy. They sent him this bike in exchange for agreeing to do a “review” of it. Paid “review” = advertisement.
There’s also a referral link in the description in case you want to give John Riggs more money for this ad.
0:00 – So he’s in…I’m not sure. Either the backyard of his house or the parking lot of an apartment complex. Because he’s in parking spaces. He’s next to a shed. That doesn’t help us because that could be communal or something somebody with a house would get. But in the background you see what appears to be…I don’t know…a single story house? I don’t know what the houses in Yakima, Washington look like.
Oh yeah. I’m looking on Google Maps’ Street View. A lot of ranch-style houses. But why parking spaces if it’s a house?
Let me check Zillow. See if Yakima is within my budget. Maybe I can start hanging out with John Riggs. We can pick up some chicks together, you know?
What the fuck? I’m not paying these prices to live in fucking Yakima. It’s about $400,000 on average for a two-bedroom place. You’re out of your mind.
Anyway, John Riggs says that he’s 6’5″ and 290 pounds. Ummm…I guess? Maybe.
That’s a body mass index of 34.4, by the way. It’s classed as “obese” in this thing that I’m looking at. There’s a slider and the slider is all the way to the right. It’s off the chart. Anything over 30 is “obese”.
Then he says that he’s never ridden a bike. That might partially explain the obesity.
He claims that he walked everywhere. You know, because he’s so tall. What? As a child?
I mean, obviously it’s absurd to suggest that tall people are more prone to walking because they can cover more distance. But secondly, he wasn’t tall as a child. Even if he was relatively tall compared to other children…it’s not worth wasting brain power on this.
1:45 – “Little bit of the old…that action.”
He put the kickstand up. He didn’t know what it was called.
What was the real reason that he never learned to ride a bicycle? I had the world’s shittiest, most disengaged parents, I had few friends, I hated going outside, but even I learned how to ride a bicycle.
Was it because he was a big fat kid? Would that even play into anything? Do fat kids not ride bicycles?
Was it because he was playing video games all day? It was fucking Atari 2600 when he was a kid. Kids weren’t obsessed with that shit.
Anyway, now he’s at the high school running track for some odd reason. Why would this be the place to test the bike out? I guess it’s suitable in terms of…terrain and space and whatever. But wouldn’t you embarassed as fuck hanging around the high school track? Isn’t that creepy? I don’t know the culture of Yakima, maybe this is normal, but if I see a middle aged man hanging around the high school gym track, I’m thinking that’s some pervert.
He’s with his daughter, by the way. His daughter who…well, the one who says she’s a boy but…doesn’t appear to be a boy. As opposed to his other daughter who really goes all out to look like a guy.
So the daughter rides around for a while.
4:15 – Now John Riggs is going to try.
5:00 – He says that there three other people at this track, including a woman who he went to high school with so he’s obviously embarassed. He has his helmet on because he’s Mr Safety. It’s a child-sized helmet, presumably. His daughter was wearing the same helmet.
So he tools around for a while. He’s obviously afraid of falling. He has his foot like an inch from the ground. This former classmate of his is making a hasty exit and pretending that she didn’t see him.
8:00 – His daughter tries to teach him how ride the bike manually. Oh, in case I didn’t mention, this is motorised bicycle. You press a button and the little engine kicks in. Or you can use it like a regular bicycle.
8:45 – Then John Riggs managed to peddle for a while and his daughter was impressed. Kind of wholesome.
11:00 – Then John Riggs gets into hype man mode and says that we should all buy one. Using his promo code, of course.
11:30 – John Riggs says to his daughter, “I taught you how to swim I taught you…all these other things.”
Well, we have swimming, John Riggs. Do you want to list some of these other things? Hey, I taught you so much. I taught you how to swim and…well, there’s the swimming. You can’t discount the swimming. So I’m a great dad.
That’s the video. In the comments, John Riggs says that he never learned to ride a bicycle because he didn’t want to fall. Where were his parents? I learned at an age where I didn’t really have a choice. I must have been…I don’t know…seven? I remember learning so I wasn’t so young that I can’t remember. But it never occurred to me to say, “I don’t want to do this. I’m afraid of falling.”
These things are like $1,300. They’re just rebranded bicycles made in Chinese sweatshops.
Also in the comments, John Riggs basically apologises for the video. Not because it’s a commercial but because it wasn’t about video games.
No. That’s why I chose the video. Videos about video games are so fucking boring. How many times can you watch a video about River City Ransom or whatever? Fucking move on. Let’s see a video on Yakima’s botanical gardens.
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Little Nemo: The Dream Master on NES – Erin Plays
She’s a big Little Nemo fan, guys.
Purely by coincdence, she recently finished the “L” streams in her PAINFULLY boring NES A-Z streams on Twitch.
0:00 – “Hey guys. Today I thought it would be fun to do a let’s play on Little Nemo: The Dream Master on NES.”
Why now? Why a day after you finished the “L” stream in your NES A-Z bullshit? Can you just be honest with the audience for once in your pathetic life? You recently played the gamel, for the first time in your life, on stream, for money. Fine. Nobody cares. It’s the dishonesty that’s disgusting.
“So a lot of people grew up with this game.”
But not you. Who gives a shit what a lot of people did? A lot of people have jobs. A lot of people don’t get fucked in the ass for Youtube promotion. Focus on what YOU’RE doing. We want to know what YOU did. What’s YOUR experience with Little Nemo: The Dream Master?
“And a lot of people really like it.”
But YOU don’t. It’s fucking ridiculous. Why can’t she just say, “I never played this before”? NOBODY WOULD CARE.
“I’ve never gotten too far into it.”
AT ALL! BECAUSE SHE’S NEVER PLAYED IT BEFORE. The only time that she played this game was recently, on stream, for money, for a few minutes. THAT’S IT. Why can’t she just admit to this?
You know. I’m suddenly reminded of where I saw this game before. Mike was playing it with Erin. On stream, of course. And he was trying to explain the game to her and she didn’t give the SLIGHTEST of fucks about it. But now she wants you to think that she’s all about it. Let me look this up.
I don’t mention the game but it’s Little Nemo.
Mike: Why can’t you touch these fucking things? You know why? Because you’re supposed to put the candy in them before you can get in them or whatever.
Erin: (sarcastically) Put the candy in them, Mike.
In that video she also says, “I feel like I should enjoy it more than I do but I made it to the second area and I was like fuck it, I can’t.”
That’s not a direct quote but it’s a paraphrase. Second “area”. She stopped on the second “area”.
And this was after Mike asking her if she ever played this on stream. He actually said “Have you played this on stream before” because he knows that that’s the only time when she plays video games. And she says that she has played it on stream before.
It’s a fucking joke. She’s playing this game for this Youtube video of a game that a year and a half ago she said that she didn’t like. And the only experience she has with the game is briefly, on stream, for money.
By the way, that stream was responsible for my best article.
1:30 – This is the worst Little Nemo: The Dream Master footage ever recorded, by the way. And it’s edited. Even in edited form, this is the worst. She’s constantly jumping. Why? Stop jumping. And she doesn’t know where anything is. She keeps going around in circles.
“I don’t remember if you have to find literally all of the keys to progress.”
It’s not a matter of not “remembering”, Erin. It’s a matter of never having possesed that information in the first place. You don’t fucking play the game. You never have. Your experience is entirely on stream, for money. Briefly.
2:00 – “I’m not an expert in this game, obviously.”
Well no fucking shit. So stop trying to present yourself as one. “Guys, I only played the game recently for a stream and I thought it looked cute so I’m making a Youtube video.” Cool. Nobody would care. Not one fucking person. But she has to constantly lie about it.
2:15 – “If I remember, I think it’s the…second stage that I have a hard time with.”
I can’t fucking do this.
5:45 – “Look at these spiders. They’re like ‘hmmmmmm.’”
Watch out, Rich Little.
That guy’s dead, right? Let me look this up.
No. He’s 84.
“I think they’re spiders or maybe they’re like weird, alternate universe Popples.”
This is actually a fake interest that I gave Erin and she’s subsequently adopted.
I mentioned Popples twice, in April and June 2021. I mentioned them as a joke of things that Erin could pretend to be interested in that were before her time.
After writing those articles, Erin genuinely started dropping Popples references. What a coincidence. Never mentioned Popples before, then I mention them as a joke fake interest that she can adopt, and then suddenly she’s a big Popples fan.
6:30 – I’m starting to think that this is a just an edited version of her stream. Because she’s saying stuff like, “What should I do now?” when she gets stuck, which is often. Then there’s an edit. Like she looked at the chat and the horntards told her what to do.
So she didn’t even play this for the purposes of making a Youtube video. This is just a repackaged stream. Unbelievably lazy content.
Let me just check. I can compare the shirts that she’s wearing.
No, it’s a different shirt. She’s wearing a Jimmy Eat World shirt on the stream. So apparently this video is just for Youtube. She’s a big Jimmy Eat World fan, by the way.
So after the edit, she says, “So I think now we turn into this Honey Nuts Cheerios bee over here. Isn’t he cute.”
Fuck off.
8:30 – “I like the background with all of the little flowers. I think it’s really cute.”
Die in a fire.
By the way, she has no idea what she’s doing, where she’s going, how to play the game, where anything is, what the powerups are, how to do anything. She’s surprised by everything. It’s almost as if she’s never played this before. Oh right.
10:45 – “So now we have to be this lizard guy. I still think that he looks like a dinosaur. Maybe that’s just because he’s purple.”
Great paleontolgy knowledge, Erin.
12:30 – “So that was my attempt at getting further in (checks title screen) Little Nemo: Dream Master on the NES.”
Why didn’t you do this in your spare time, Erin? Get decent at the game and then make the video? Wouldn’t that make a lot more sense?
She can not bring herself to play these games in her spare time. She HATES video games. She hates everything about this. She hates her life and she hates you, the viewer.
Terrible, terrible, dog shit, horrible, piece of shit, fuck that dumb bitch video.
Comments. Let’s see if Joe from GameSack gave her some protips.
- “Erin is DREAMY”
- “watch a walkthrough before streaming games it will really help you”
Are you suggesting putting the tiniest bit of effort into these videos? Don’t be ridiculous.
- “I thought Alice from Elm St 4 and 5 was The Dream Master! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!”
That was from Tony from Hack the Movies. What a card. He’s trying to replace Joe from Gamesack as the Alpha Omega orbiter.
- “Another video awesome your spoiling us. Thank you so much !!!”
Erin replies, “Haha, I’m trying to get out videos more quickly. Thanks so much for watching!”
Just keep churning out the total shit. This is how you’ll become a big hit on Youtube. That and getting fucked in the ass by Mike Matei.
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Caddicarus delves into the past, present, and future of Retrogaming
This is from Youtube’s official channel. I didn’t even know that Youtube had a channel. It appears to be really boring, corporate videos. This one is no exception.
0:00 – So we see Caddicarus. Who is this? Let me look this up.
https://www.youtube.com/@Caddicarus/videos
Some English fag with a posh accent and a ponytail. A million subscribers. Makes god awful videos about video games.
Oh, and the previous video on Youtube’s official channel was by somebody called Safiya. This is a guy in a dress, right? Oh. Wow. No. It isn’t. That’s an actual woman. I would have lost that bet. I’m seeing ladyboys everywhere.
Game Mistress is here. She has nearly 4,000 subscribers. From Sweden.
https://www.youtube.com/@GameMistress/about
But you go to her Twitter and it says that she’s from Norway.
https://twitter.com/GameMistress/
Well, it does say that she’s also a “mental health advocate”. Maybe different personalities have different nationalities.
WHY THE CONSTANT MENTAL HEALTH BULLSHIT? Fucking 75% of the women “Youtubers” are just nut jobs who claim to be interested in mental health advocacy. How about some sane women? Are sane women not interested in video games? Well, maybe they’re not. Most women I’ve known have been interested in shopping, cooking, reality television, makeup, fashion, cute animals, the usual crop of shit that women are interested in. Video games is never on the list.
Skimming through her videos, yeah, this is crazy woman alright. But she has her big tits on display in most of the thumbnails. Just put them to work, baby. Find yourself a husband. Problem solved. Guys are willing to overlook a lot. Big tits trumps craziness for a lot of guys.
0:15 – Oh, JOHN RIGGS. That handsome devil. Of course he would appear right after the ladies.
0:30 – Black Comedy Nerd. You guys like Black Comedy Nerd, right? Let me look this racist bullshit up.
800,000 subscribers. Unbelievable. Stepin Fetchit was less offensive than this asshole.
1:45 – Zap “Too Hot to be an Influencer” appears and just does a cringy as fuck rendition of the Donkey Kong Country theme (or something) for like two seconds. What was the point of this?
What’s the point of any of this? Nothing is being said. It’s just “Hey, people like retro video games.” What? This required a video?
There’s a brief shot of TheGebs24.
There’s also random Japanese guys who nobody ever heard of. They seem intent on fulfilling some kind of diversity quota. We need a certain number of women, a certain number of black people (just one, I think), Asian people, fat people, slim people, Swedish people.
What about the non-cringy, clean-shaven, mentally-sound male who watches what he eats? That seems to be the most underrepesented segment of the population when it comes to retro gamers on Youtube.
And then the video just ends with Metal Jesus saying “bye”. This was totally pointless.
- “Thanks for having me guys ❤ Truly appreciate the love 🎉”
That was from Zap Cristal. She should be deeply embarassed by this video.
Top comment is:
- i’m beyond excited about caddy being the face of this, but it is weird af how AVGN is not mentioned in this when he’s literally the person who kickstarted comedic retro game reviews in the first place.”
I think that the only women in this thing were Zap Cristal and that Swedish/Norwegian nutjob. How were these the two who were picked? They each have like 3,000 subscribers. I don’t even like talking about Zap Cristal on the blog because she’s too insignifant to talk about. Too insignicant for my BLOG. My 80 visitors a day deserve somebody with wider appeal.
Let me check the statistics.
Posts about Zap Cristal tend to get about 50% fewer views than posts about anyone else. People see that a post is tagged “Zap Cristal” and they say, “I didn’t come here for this shit” and move on.
- “THis was a nice surprise to wake up to. Thank you, YouTube!”
That was from John Riggs. What? He didn’t know that he was going to be in the video? Youtube didn’t pay him for this? Or even ask to use the footage? They must have asked because he was saying something germaine to the video. Presumably. I don’t remember what he, or anybody said.
- “Soy overload”
I guess so.
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Is The Buffy The Vampire Slayer Movie Actually BETTER Than The Show? – Tony from Hack the Movies
This is basically confirmation that Erin will never appear on the show again. What a fucking disaster that was. How long ago was that? Let me check.
July 2021. Over two years ago. Time really flies.
She must know that she’s awful on these things so doesn’t do them again but then why doesn’t the same apply to her channel broadly? I suppose that she has really scaled back. She used to post a video every week. Now it’s like ten videos a year.
Anyway, if Erin was going to subject herself to further humilitation, this would be the episode that Erin would be on. Because she’s all about Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But she was too busy getting fucked in the ass for Youtube promotion to appear on this one.
Instead, we’re treated to Johanna and my second grade music teacher. She was a hippie. Had hair down to her knees. Glasses. She was Miss Something, I’m pretty sure. Unmarried. She only taught there for a year, as far as I’m aware. She was a nice woman.
But how old must she have been? Because as a second grader, she seemed pretty old to me. But she reminds me of this woman on Hack the Movies, who is probably in her mid 30s.
The year was like 1985. And you have this woman, who’s clearly a hippie, teaching music in a Catholic grade school. Peak hippie culture was 20 years earlier. If she was 35 in 1985, she would have been a teenager in the late 60s, so that tracks.
But why in 1985 would she still be holding on to this? It’s interesting. I’d like to know how it all came about and what she did with her life subsequently. What must the dating scene have been like in that small town for a hippie music teacher? She was unmarried, so you think maybe things weren’t going great for her, but maybe marriage just wasn’t her thing. She was anti-establishment. Maybe she was fucking everybody. Some of that free love.
But whatever. Pleasant woman. I hope she found what she was looking for.
0:30 – This is Angela. She has no social media or at least no social media that she wants the horntards to know about. Good for her.
Tony talks about how he experimented with only having men on the channel for the past month. He says that views dropped so he won’t do that again. Tony is all about those views. Bring in the pennies, however we can get them.
Then he shows a screenshot indicating that he had 318,000 views and that this is 20,000 less than usual. This is total views in a month, I guess.
Who cares? That’s a miniscule change. But no, we have to bring in the hot chicks. Or, failing that, Horseface and Johanna. It’s pathetic.
1:00 – There’s a screenshot of JoeyC, who’s some fag who they have on the show ocassionally, wearing a dress and bondage gear. As desperate as Tony is, he aspires to be as desperate as this JoeyC faggot.
1:15 – Angela says that she met Tony in college and that they were both fim majors. Well, we see how that worked out for the two of you.
2:45 – Tony suggests that the course was a waste of money. Well, at least he’s aware of it.
3:30 – Neither Johanna nor Angela ever watched the show. Great guests, Tony.
I’m eight minutes in. This is brutal. I mean, it’s no more boring than a typical Hack the Movies episode. I’m mostly trying to figure out if Angela has big tits or not. If she would just raise her chair an inch, this conundrum would be solved.
Let me look at the comments. I don’t think I can watch more of this.
- “Johanna is an energy vampire…”
- “Get rid of Johanna the other lady is sweet.”
- “I see Johanna I click off.”
- “Its great to have Johanna back in the store!!” – Somebody replies, “No the hell it’s not.”
Well, it’s good to see some sanity in the comments.
Not really much about written about Angela, though.
I watched for another few minutes. I made it to the 12 minute mark. I can’t. Let me just skip around. Maybe we get a better shot of this woman’s chest.
Tony…Tony…Tony…Tony…Tony…Tony…Tony…Tony…oh, finally a shot that isn’t Tony. But no, she doesn’t move.
So…final thoughts. Well, this was unwatchable, as usual. Johanna is horrible. One hour and fifty minutes is about 90 minutes longer than the video should be. And this woman may or may not have big tits. So this was a good use of the past hour of my day.
Oh, you can get t-shirts at Tony’s TeeSpring. I won’t link to it because it’s in some weird bullshit format, probably a referrer link or something. But a lot of the t-shirts say “Fun and Fine” in different fonts.
Explain to me who would want this. And if you do want a t-shirt that says “Fun and Fine”, why wouldn’t you just create a TeeSpring account yourself, design the shirt, and buy it? You can but the shirt’s at the minimum cost if you do this.
It’s not like Tony did anything with these “Fun and Fine” shirts. All he did was use the “text” tool on TeeSpring and fucking type it out and put it on the shirt. Anyone can do this and be done in five minutes, from start to finish.
At least the “Hack the Movies” t-shirts have a somewhat stylised logo. He didn’t just use the text editor. But absolutely nobody is buying any of this stuff. Why would they? Nobody is buying any of this TeeSpring shit.
Apparently, TeeSpring uses poor-quality printing as well. It’s all rock-bottom, cheapest possible shit. It’s just print on demand garbage.
If Tony is committed to this, he should get 100 t-shirts printed out, or whatever the minimum order might be, from a reputable printing company, high-quality printing, high-quality shirts, keep them in his room, and send them out as orders come in. This way he’d be able to show you the actual product that you’d get instead of the virtual bullshit that TeeSpring shows.
He doesn’t do that because he knows that nobody buys the fucking shirts.
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Sexy Demon Behind the scenes stuff – Newt Wallen
It seems like that old prostitute Fallon is back in Newt Wallen’s good graces. Because he got her another job.
Skeletor is also in this. I’ve got to come up with a better name than Skelator. I just use the first name that I think of but this one needs a definite review.
It’s interesting which people I give nickname to.
- CannotBeTamed = Pam aka CannotBeEntertaining
- Tony = Tony from Hack the Movies (not really a nickname because he uses the name but I always make sure to use his full “title”)
- Bobdunga = Saint Dungalous
- Pelvic Gaming = Pelvic Gamer
- Newt Wallen = The Ideas Man
- Destiny Fomo = Madam Fomo
- John Riggs = JOHN RIGGS
- Metz = PVC Bondage Guy
- Crystal Quin = Horseface McGee
- Gamesack = Joe from Gamesack
- Zap Cristal = Zap “Too Hot to be an Influencer” Cristal
- Zap’s new husband = Mr Wright Way II
So most people have nicknames, even though a few of these nicknames barely qualify as nicknames. More like style guides. But interestingly, Erin is just Erin. Her content is so dreadful that there’s no need to embelish with stupid nicknames.
But Skeletor…I don’t know. Aside from the lack of creativity, it’s just mean-spirited. She has an obvious eating disorder. Am I going to insult somebody for having an eating disorder?
Anyway, the Ideas Man is working on a new “movie” (giant air quotes) with these two “sexy” (again) ladies. It’s the same thing that he did recently. He’s “directing” a scene for some patchwork “movie” that Donald Farmer is “directing”. Yes, the Donald Farmer.
So what Donald Farmer does is get a bunch of delusional lunatics like Newt Wallen, tell them to “direct” a scene using local prostitutes, and then Donald Farmer takes these various “scenes”, of varying levels of shittiness, and cobbles them into a “movie”. A “movie” that nobody buys.
I’m suddenly reminded of Bum Fights. Similar premise, I guess. Exploit people at the lowest level of society: the homeless, prostitutes, the mentally ill.
0:00 – That old prostitute is running.
See? That’s another thing. Fallon’s nickname is basically, “That old prostitute”. But I can’t use that any more because now we have another old prostitute. There are two old prostitutes in this very video. So I’ll just have to use “Fallon”. Reluctantly. I don’t know what the other fucking woman’s name is. That’s why nicknames get used to begin with. Well, whatever. We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
So Fallon is running. She’s running toward the camera. The idea is that the audience wants to see her tits bouncing. Really? I didn’t want to see that. This wasn’t remotely titilating.
I’ll tell you what else it wasn’t. It wasn’t cinema. This had no relation whatsoever to a movie. This is just a delusional lunatic and a prostitute wasting their time.
0:15 – Now she’s running away. The idea, wrongly, is that people want to see her ass. And it’s night. And the lighting is bad. You can’t fucking see anything. Come on. This is fucking trash.
0:30 – Now we’ve Fallon and…whatever, the other prostitute. The other prostitute is opening a door and sees Fallon and Newt’s brilliant direction is “Grab her fucking face.”
Hollywood will be calling any day now.
New scene. “Hit us with some of that seductive eye shit.”
God, it’s fucking awful. Horrible. This is not professional. It’s not erotic. It’s not how a movie gets directed. It’s trash. It’s bullshit. It’s a farce. It’s a complete waste of everybody’s time.
Then a few seconds later he says, “It’s pretty seductive.”
Nobody will hire Newt after this. It’s pathetic.
Then he says, “I’ve seen better.”
1:30 = The other prostitute is straddling Fallon. The other prostitute is wearing a sheer top with crosses on the nipples. She spits blood on Fallon’s tits.
That’s it. That’s the video. A little behind the scenes of the “magic” that goes on at Schlock & Awe Industries.
When I was a kid, there was a news story on 60 Minutes or something about a child prodigy who could direct an orchestra. It was an Indian kid, I believe. And they showed footage of him in action and he was just waving that baton.
And I’m watching this, as a 10 year old or however old I was, and I said, “Well, I can do that. All he’s doing is this” and I motioned just waving a baton around. And my parents laughed at how ridiculous this comment was. Of course I can’t be an orchestral conductor.
But I wasn’t too far from the truth. I’m not saying that I’m an expert on orchestras but I was in the school band. The teacher/conductor knew a lot about music and he could play all of the instruments and whatnot but the actual job of conducting was just waving the baton around. When a particular section of the orchestra was due to come in, he would point at them dramatically but they knew when to come in. They were reading the fucking music. They didn’t need the prompt.
I was just reminded of this because if this video is any representation of what it takes to be a director, ANYONE can do this. Anyone can say “cut” and “action”. Anyone can make creepy comments.