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  • Erin Plays and Mike Matei Stream ATARI 2600 Games! (Part 1 of 3)

    Two glorious hours of Erin and Mike playing Atari 2600 games. What could be sweeter?

    0:00 – “I wanted to start with Firefighter, which is what Mike’s playing right now.”

    She’s a big Firefighter fan, guys.

    Now, I had an Atari 2600 from as long ago as I can remember. It was bought for an older sibling, possibly before I was born. Over the years we amassed 50 games? Something like this. I also played Atari at friendss houses and they had similar collections.

    Then many years later, when I got into emulation, I played a lot of Atari games. Just checking them out.

    Over the years, I’ve watched a lot of Youtube videos about video games. I’ve seen people playing Atari 2600 games.

    NOT ONCE have I heard of Firefighter. But Erin is all about it. This is what she wanted to start the stream with. Mike said, “Hey, Erin, what game do you want to start with?” and Erin immediately said, “Firefighter, of course. It’s a classic.”

    She starts the stream with a fucking lie. This is all that she knows how to do.

    Then Erin gives some painfully awkward and unfunny sexual innuendo about the game, which is all the more outrageous because they obviously planned this beforehand. Couldn’t she work on her material a bit harder?

    1:00 – Erin is reading from the chat. She says, “This reminds me of the Spider-Man one?”

    She has NO IDEA what that guy was talking about. NONE. So Mike has to quickly explain it to her. “Because of the building.” She doesn’t know, of course, because she doesn’t know what the Spider-Man 2600 game looks like. So she just cluelessly says “Oh yeah”, pretending that she understands. And BADLY pretending because anyone who knows of the Spider-Man game would IMMEDIATELY see the similarity. They wouldn’t need it spelled out.

    Then she laughs nervously, no doubt thinking, “We just fucking started the stream and already I’ve given that Gamer Girls guy something to call me out on.”

    1:15 – “So yeah. This is Firefighter. I don’t know what else to say about it.”

    Well, talk us through the game. What’s the objective? Is there a scoring system or what? Because I’m only seeing a timer that’s counting down. Any tips?

    She doesn’t know anything about the game. That’s why she has nothing to say about it. And yet, she wants us to believe that this is the game that she wanted to start the stream with. This game that she knows NOTHING about.

    “Maybe we shouldn’t have started off with this. This isn’t really a way to start off the stream. But it’s fun!”

    So tell us about it, Erin. Tell us what makes it so fun. She’s obviously playing Firefighter ALL DAY in her spare time. This is Erin’s game. Tell us all that you know about it.

    “I like it. I like Firefighter.”

    Well, okay. Enough of the generalities. Can you get into the specifics now? What do you like about it?

    She’s got nothing.

    So then Mike just hands her the controller. By the way, they’re using a Genesis controller because Mike is a fucking moron. This is how he plays Atari 2600 games.

    I remember when I discovered that you can use a Genesis controller on the Atari. I said, “Hey, that’s cool.” Then I went back to my Atari controller.

    If you don’t want to use those shitty official Atari controllers, I can see that. But I used the Power Stick. It’s a little controller with a button on each side. Best 2600 contoller ever made. It can be yours for $25 on Ebay. Surely, Mike knows about this. He’s all about the 2600. Plays it on his Genesis controller.

    So anyway, Erin is playing the game AND SHE CAN’T EVEN MOVE.

    Give me a fucking break. She never played this before. Show me the stream. She doesn’t even know the controls enough TO BE ABLE TO MOVE.

    Then after she masters moving, she just stands in one spot and keeps spraying the windows even though the fire is gone. And there’s a raging inferno going on in the other windows. And Mike tells her to move on but she doesn’t because she’s an idiot and she’s never fucking played the game before. She has no idea what she’s doing.

    2:15 – Then after A LOT of trial and error, and Mike telling her the basic controls of the game, Erin manages to get the ladder working and saves a character in the game. She says, “Yay! I saved him! I like how he runs around like this!” and then she waves her arms. It’s cute, right? It’s cute how Erin is a giant fucking fraud who’s conning retards out of pennies instead of working an honest job.

    2:45 – “I’m getting the hang of the controls. I keep pressing the wrong thing.”

    She’s never played this before. It’s blindingly obvious. And yet, she persists with the lie. Why? Who gives a shit if Erin played Firefighter before? NOBODY. But for whatever bizarre reason, she wants you to believe that she loves this game. And yet you watch the video and it’s clear that she knows NOTHING about it.

    4:15 – Somebody in the chat says “No score?” and Erin says, “I guess not.”

    You’re telling me that she didn’t know this? This is the first thing that I fucking noticed. Erin claims to LOVE the game. THIS is the game that SHE chose to start the stream with. She’s clearly indicating, in her words but not her actions, that she’s something of an expert at Firefighter. And yet, inexplicably, the fact that there’s no score in this game somehow passed her by.

    Fucking bullshit, pointless, idiotic, ridiculously transparent lies from this unemployed fraud who’s using Mike for free room and board because she’s too god damned lazy to work a real job and just wants to be a sugarbaby to a man-baby.

    “So you just try to do it in a short amount of time?”

    WE DON’T KNOW! You tell us, Erin. You’re the fucking expert. I’ve never seen the game before. But you imply that this is one of your favourites. THIS is the game that you wanted to start the stream with.

    4:45 – So Mike starts changing the…whatever….settings or whatever they’re called. There are different settings in Atari games, of course. You don’t really know what they are without having the manual in front of you. He changes it to 3 and the building is shorter and the timer is counting up (I think it was counting down before) and he says “I don’t know. Maybe this game is just really easy.” Erin says, “Maybe. Do you want to move on to something else.”

    Why doesn’t Erin know if the game is easy or not?

    Let me be clear in case my previous sarcastic comments left some room for ambiguity.

    Erin has never played this game. Not once. Ever. She’s never even seen the game before.

    Nevertheless, Erin started the stream by telling us that this is the game that she wanted to start the stream with. She then suggested that she “forgot” the controls. She also “forgot” how to work the ladder. She “forgot” that the game looks like the Spider-Man 2600 game. She “forgot” how to spray the fire. She “forgot” the goal of the game. She “forgot” what the different settings do. And she “forgot” whether the game is easy or not. She also was surprised at the “cute” animation of the guy on fire. She “forgot” about that one too.

    This could have all been avoided if she just started the stream with, “You know what, guys? There are like 500 games for the Atari 2600 and I haven’t played all of them. Firefighter is one of these games that I haven’t played. But I’m going to check it out now.”

    Done. Who cares? But because she started with that lie about how much she enjoys Firefighter, she had to keep the lie going. Even when it quickly became absurd. She’s didn’t “remember” ANYTHING about the game because she was lying when she suggested that she played the game. It was a total lie.

    There’s another two hours of this.

    5:00 – “So what’s next, Mike? What do you want to do next?”

    You tell us, Erin. You’re such an Atari expert. And it’s your stream. What do you want to play? Just tell us. It’s no big deal. There’s no wrong answer here. Well, I suppose there are wrong answers if you can’t think of any games, as Erin can’t.

    But yeah, Mike recently streamed Atari games. And Erin is using the exact same emulator that Mike used. Or whatever that device is…not Raspberry Pi but something else.

    So then Mike just chooses a “comedy” homebrew game and Erin cluelessly agrees. No. We’re here for Atari games. Let’s see some classics. And some “hidden gems”.

    By the way, this shitty homebrew game is playing a terrible version of Für Elise by Beethoven. You’re all big Ludwig van Beethoven fans, right? It was also in this McDonald’s commercial.

    Mike didn’t remember that commercial? This was his era. 1984 or thereabouts.

    6:30 –

    Mike: I think that was PAL or a prototype or something.

    Erin: I think it was a homebrew.

    You know that you fucked up bad when even Erin corrects you. How the fuck did he think that that game was anything legitimate? It was obviously a homebrew.

    Erin says, “Obviously. It’s called Acid Trip and it’s like really jumpy.”

    It’s true. It’s RIDICULOUSLY obvious that that was a homebrew. Did Mike suddenly lose his mind?

    8:00 – They’re playing some game that at least this time Erin is admitting she hasn’t seen before. “I like the little chompy chomp.”

    Fuck off.

    8:30 – Erin says, “So it’s Pac-Man”.

    Oh. So you finally figured it out, Erin? Good job.

    9:00 – They’re on a different level and Erin says that it looks like the He-Man game. You guys all know the He-Man game, right? No. Of course not. It wasn’t remotely popular. But Erin does because she played the game for a Youtube video. These are the only kind of references she can make.

    11:15 – A horntard asks Erin when she thinks there’s going to be a second video game crash.

    Oh my fucking god. Why does she even read these questions that she OBVIOUSLY is not equipped to answers. She’s just going to say “I don’t know”. I know it. Let’s find out.

    “Never…because everything is spread out now on various platforms. It’s just like on different things. So I don’t think that will happen again.”

    Well, she didn’t say “I don’t know at least.” Instead, she just gave a totally nonsensical answer.

    15:00 – They’re playing some game called Carnival, I guess, and Erin is once again pretending that she knows the game while demonstrating a complete lack of knowledge about the game. I can’t give every example of this. I think that I’ve covered this already with Firefighter. She’s a comulsive liar. And a BAD compulsive liar.

    16:45 – Mike is explaining a fundamental aspect of the game that anybody who played the game would know about. Erin says, “Oh, there’s so much going on. I forgot about that.”

    Go fuck yourself.

    17:00 – Then Mike starts explaining the game to her. Why? She just got through talking about much she has played the game. She knows about the game, Mike. Obviously. Just listen to what she’s saying. Ignore the fact that she can’t actually play the game and clearly knows nothing about it. Just listen to her words. She’s clear in her conviction that she’s played this before. She merely “forgot” everything about it.

    Erin keeps referring to a “ferris wheel” in the game and that’s what Mike calls it too. No, you fucking idiots. They’re rotating pipes or something. Like smoker’s pipes. It’s some thing you’d see in olde tyme shooting galleries. Let me look this up.

    https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/306596687107889981/

    Yeah, I was right. The guy there describes them as “clay pipes”.

    18:45 – Erin says, “Remember when I played this on a cocktail?”

    Eugh. I can’t.

    19:15 – “This is probably one of my favourite Atari games even though I always forget all the mechanics because there’s so much going on.”

    Unbelievable. One of her favourite Atari games. But Mike had to explain to her that she has to hit some bonus area that she NEVER shot before he told her. He also had to explain to her to shoot the 8’s to refill your time. He had to explain to her WHERE the timer is. She didn’t know ANY of this.

    One of her favourite games. She just “forgot” EVERYTHING about it.

    19:45 – Then, when the horntards tell Mike to get Erin an arcade machine, Erin says that she wants an arcade game that has Mario and Castlevania on it. You know…because she’s just such a big Mario and Castlevania fan. She’s all about Mario and Castlevania. Get your wallet out, Mike. Spend thousands of dollars on this thing so that this unemployed parasite can play the game once, on stream, for money, and then never again.

    I’m going to stop at 22:15. They’re moving on to Circus Atari. Erin is pretending that she knows the game again. She says, “It’s kind of fun. You have to get the bouncy people.”

    That’s not AT ALL what the game is about. It’s a Breakout clone. Or as Erin retardedly calls it, “Break Away”.

    Maybe I’ll resume this video, maybe I won’t. There’s always so much to talk about with these Erin and Mike streams but it’s just me pointing out her constant lies. How many times can I say it?

    ,

  • Baby You’re a fire work – Newt Wallen

    “Fire work” is one word, Mr I Wrote a Billion Scripts. But let’s not dwell on Newt’s awful spelling abilities.

    I’m lead to believe that Newt talks about going to the funeral of his friend. You know, his friend Cristay who died of cancer and he made a video where he couldn’t stop talking about how hot she was and how much sex he had with her.

    Today I lost someone I loved very much – Newt Wallen

    This livestream is four and a half hours. So…unless he mentions the funeral in the first ten minutes, I’m in some real trouble here.

    0:00 – He’s here with PVC Bondage Guy, who’s wearing…I don’t even know. Some mesh top. Showing off his pecs, I guess.

    1:30 – PVC Bondage Guy says that she just came back from a furry convention. She says, “Should I show off the bruises?”

    Umm…it gets worse. Believe it or not. So I’ll hold off on commenting.

    1:45 – Newt is talking about not being able to stream last week because he, “Wasn’t in the right mind for that.” He was too busy mourning over this woman who died from cancer. Not that she died but just that he wouldn’t be able to fuck her any more.

    2:00 – So PVC Bondage Guy is applying yet more makeup in spite of the fact that he’s already covered in makeup and he’s talking about the furry convention that he went to.

    3:30- PVC Bondage Guy says, “I finally got the videos.” What videos, you might ask? “The super public threesome that I had.”

    Oh. That video. The super public threesome video. From the furry convention.

    So some giant creepy nerd starts staring at PVC Bondage Guy and asks him if he was at the convention last year. PVC Bondage Guy says that he was. This giant nerd says that he was there and he filmed this “super public threesome” where 30 people watched. PVC Bondage Guy thought that it was good fortune that she met this guy because she’s been looking for this video for the past year. So she asked him for the video and he obliged.

    5:00 –

    PVC: I don’t know how much I’m telling of my sexcapades and how much —

    Newt: We can tease stuff because I would like to tell some of these stories on the OnlyFans once we get that going.

    Then PVC Bondage Guy says, “Like I said, I’ve got bruises all over.”

    Then she shows the bruises, which are on her inner thighs, and says, “Somebody bit the fuck out of me.”

    “I got bit really hard. It was great.”

    Okay, before we get too far into this, let me say that I’m seriously considering no longer writing about Newt. Because I don’t want to encourage him. He has now crossed the line from, “Well, it’s kind of funny to talk about all his idiotic life choices” to “This is genuinely disturbing.”

    PVC Bondage Guy has said that he has dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality disorder. My understanding of this condition, having worked in a mental health facility, and having spoken to people who have the condition, is that it can only develop if you’ve had severe trauma between the ages of about 7 and 10. There’s something about the brain development during these years that causes dissociative identity disorder if you’ve received severe trauma. If you receive this trauma after the age of 10, you’re likely to develop PTSD instead.

    Dissociative identity disorder is a condition where distinct personalities develop in order to cope with the trauma. One personality knows about the trauma while another personality may not know about the trauma. So you get these fragmented memories of your life because it depends which personality was present at any given time when something happened. With treatment, the goal is to collect all of these personalities and memories into one cohesive personality so that you have access to all of the memories.

    PVC Bondage Guy is legitimately mentally ill. That’s obvious in everything she says and does. She has serious mental health problems. And Newt Wallen is taking this vulnerable woman, who on many views lacks the mental capacity to consent, and exploiting her hyper-sexual behavior, which is the result of her extreme mental illness, for profit. He’s planning on starting an OnlyFans so that PVC Bondage Guy can tell his disgusting sexual stories.

    First of all, I don’t think there’s any market for this. Are you going to pay to hear stories about things that PVC Bondage Guy allegedly did? Is this even a thing? How many people are paying for erotic or “erotic” stories?

    But secondly, what the fuck does it have to do with Newt Wallen? Why should Newt Wallen make money from PVC Bondage Guy’s stories? Can’t PVC Bondage Guy just start his own OnlyFans and reap the windfall that that would undoubtedly generate?

    Newt is a complete and total scumbag preying on the mentally ill. This is the only way that he can get a woman to express any interest in him. The sane community has rejected Newt. Just like his parents did.

    It’s completely disgusting.

    7:45 – Newt is talking about the funeral. Thank fuck I don’t have to watch all of this. Unless he talks about this for the next four and a half hours.

    He says that Horseface and Justin Silverman showed up, “Which was awkward to say the least.”

    What a piece of shit. They’re there for a funeral. They obviously knew this woman. And I don’t check Justin or Horseface’s social media but did either of them make a video talking about how much sex they had with this woman? I’m thinking no.

    8:30 – “Justin and Crystal, I have not spoken to in a long, long time.”

    Then he says that Justin arrived first and Newt spoke to Justin about Kieran quitting and some game getting pushed back as a result.

    “Crystal showed up. I gave her a hug. I thanked her for coming.”

    Eugh. Why? She’s there for a funeral, not to be creeped on by the King of Creeps Newt Wallen. I’m not saying that it’s inappropriate to give somebody a hug at a funeral, but this is somebody who HATES Newt and wants nothing to do with him and yet he persists. Even at his friend’s funeral, his friend who he was pains to talk about all of the sex that they got up to, he’s trying to get with Horseface.

    And in that video where he talked about his friend dying, he mentioned Crystal Quin CONSTANTLY. Even though it was totally irrelvant. He talked about how Horseface “replaced” this woman who just died, for example.

    9:00 – “At the end of the funeral, she was sitting outside, she was crying, and I went up and I talked to her for a minute and I was telling her how sorry I was and all of this kind of stuff.”

    He’s trying to score with Horseface at a FUNERAL. While she’s crying. At the funeral of the woman who Newt claims was his first love. There is no bottom to Newt’s depravity. Just when you think he can’t be any more of a piece of shit, he tops himself.

    So anyway, Horseface told Newt, “Not today” and left with Justin to go to a bar. Yeah. Not at the fucking funeral of this woman who Newt claims he was deeply in love with. And presumably Horseface was friends with this woman.

    God, he’s fucking disgusting. Fuck off you piece of shit.

    And while he’s saying all of this, this completely insane PVC Bondage Guy is continuing to apply this psychotic makeup to his face.

    If there’s any slight good news in this story it’s that this woman was cremated. Can you imagine an open casket funeral with Newt there? He’d be jacking off in front of the casket. “Oh, she looks just like when I’d fuck her in the ass.”

    Maybe this is a stupid question but do people still have non-cremation burials? Because it seems like cremation has really taken off. There’s the environmental factor, I guess. And saving on grave space. Although, are graves of cremated remains any smaller than non-cremated? And what about people who keep the cremated remains? Is there just not a grave then? So many questions.

    9:15 – “Justin told me that I made her uncomfortable.”

    Gee, Newt. Do you think so? You mean when you tried to pick her up at the funeral of your true love?

    “But I was just a sobbing fucking mess. I don’t think I’ve ever cried that hard in my fucking life.”

    We’re talking about when Horseface shot you down at the funeral, right?

    9:30 – “But yeah, I miss my friend, you know? You don’t expect that kind of stuff.”

    He’s completely dismissive about this. He doesn’t give a shit. He’s MUCH more upset about Horseface not being interested in him. And then he says, “So yeah, my friend died. Whatever.”

    9:45 – So then Newt turns to PVC Bondage Guy and says, “So we had polar opposite weekends. You got fucked and I got fucked by life.”

    What? What happened to Newt that was so awful? He didn’t give the slightest of fucks about this woman who died. He’s still talking about Horseface being creeped out by him, I guess. And rightly creeped out as anyone with a brain would realise.

    10:45 – “It was hard. Seeing her family, seeing a lot of her friends who I haven’t seen in a long time.”

    Then he tells a story about one of his friends approaching him and talking about how much she enjoyed Underbelly.

    Is this really happening? Is he doing this again? His friend died. I say “friend” only because that’s how he describes her. They were in a relationship, presumably. He was having sex with her. But he downplays the relationship by saying “friend.”

    Anyway, this woman dies, he’s at the funeral, and now he’s telling a story about how much one of her friends loved Newt’s shitty Youtube channel Underbelly, which Newt played some role in. My understanding is that it was mostly a Justin Silverman thing.

    He cannot stop talking about himself and how awesome he is. Even in this situation. We know NOTHING about this woman who died. NOTHING.

    11:30 – Newt says that he lives in Philadelphia. So that answers the question of where Newt lives. I assumed rural Pennsylvania but it seems like he moved to the big city.

    PVC Bondage Guy says that she’s getting into wrestling. You know…as a 25 year old…man/woman. Woman.

    It’s so fucking boring.

    17:30 – PVC Bondage Girl loses her train of thought and says, “I’m a little disorientated today.”

    Well, here’s your chance, Newt.

    Then she starts talking about her fondness for Brent Spiner. Eugh.

    Maybe she’s being genuine. But I notice that a lot of these women who cater to extreme nerds will express their fondness for professional wrestling and science fiction nerd shit. Two topics that have traditionally been the domain of nerdy BOYS.

    But suddenly grown women are interested in these topics that nerdy 12 year old boys tend to like. Really? Maybe I’m a little jaded but I tend to suspect that they’re only pretending to be interested in this shit to appeal to the nerdy man-babies who tend to inhabit the Youtube retro gaming community, for example.

    19:00 – She’s still talking about this Brent Spiner shit. Umm…do I turn this off or do I skip around looking if there’s anything worth listening to? I guess I’ll do a bit of the latter.

    1:37:00 – PVC Bondage Guy shows her wristband that she got from some party, I think at the furry convention. It’s one of those green/yellow/red traffic light things. Green means that you’re “open for things” and yellow means “ask first”, and red means “Go away, Newt. A funeral is not the time to try to pick up chicks.”

    So PVC Bondage Guy, of course, has a green wristband. Because he’s open for things. Anything. Because he has serious mental illness.

    I think typically, women will tend to go for yellow in these kinds of parties because green just indicates that you’re a giant slut. And even if you are, why advertise? People will figure it out quickly. And if you have green, you’ll have every creep in the place trying to talk to you.

    1:37:45 – “That’s actually how the orgy got started. I popped out my tits and then it just evolved from there.”

    Mmhmm. Does this sound like rational behaviour to you, Newt? Does this sound like somebody who can make informed decisions about their life?

    I’m done.

    Somebody in the comments says “yore” and then says “I see you changed the title.”

    So apparently Newt’s original title was, “Baby yore a fire work”. What a complete and utter moron.

    , ,

  • Brand VS Product – Zap Cristal

    So Zap “Too Hot to be an Influencer” has a new podcast. And a new haircut. And a new partner. And about 50 pounds of new weight.

    0:00 – It starts with some R&B intro. Uh huh.

    So we’re introduced to TJ. Zap really has a type. She got divorced or separated or something from Mr Wright Way, who was a black man. And now we have TJ, who’s a black man. What are the odds?

    Before we get any further, I have to look up the article where she literally said that she was too hot to be an influencer. BECAUSE LOOK AT THIS WOMAN. You’ll never believe it if I don’t come up with proof.

    SEGE 2021 So We Did A Thing…A Panel!! – Women In Retro Gaming – ZapTV

    Okay, the quote was actually that people tell her that she’s “Too pretty to be an influencer.” I must have changed that to “hot” at some point. But the sentiment is the same. THIS woman thinks that she’s too attractive to be an “influencer”. I know that she’s allegedly quoting unnamed horntards who are telling her this, but the fact that she felt the need to repeat these alleged comments suggests that she thinks that it’s true.

    And that video was only from two years ago. Holy shit. Can she possibly still think that? How did she even think it at the time? But now she’s gained 50 pounds and chopped all of her hair off. It looks like she was taking clippers to her hair and then had second thoughts so went to the hairdresser and they cut it really short to try to try to match it up.

    TJ has no charisma, by the way. None. Erin Plays levels of charisma.

    They’re also reading from notes.

    2:00 – So the first thing they talk about is whether a chicken sandwich is a sandwich or a burger.

    This is what they start the podcast with. Isn’t this thing supposed to be about video games or something? I don’t even know. But chicken sandwiches.

    Miss Cristal. You do not need any more chicken sandwiches regardless of the nomenclature. Get your fucking life together.

    I have to skip ahead. This is awful.

    Holy shit. They’re still talking about this at the 8 minute mark.

    9:15 – “Re-set time” That’s the next segment. They have names for all of these segments. The first segment was called “Re-something” as well.

    Don’t set me up like this. RE-TARDED should be the name of this podcast.

    They’re talking about brands versus products. Whatever that means. And Zap says that this conversation started while she was in the car with TJ. So this confirms that TJ is her boyfriend. She really moves fast. Mr Wright Way was done with her boring, unintelligent, self-absorbed self like two months ago and she’s already found another black guy to replace him.

    TJ says that he’s in the music industry. Uh huh. Tell me more.

    I can’t. I’m turning this off. How far did I get? 11:21. And that’s with me skipping about seven minutes of this shit.

    34:45 – Zap says to TJ, “I want to thank you. I have a brand new website. Talk about building a community and owning your community. This is the importance of having a website.”

    Apparently, TJ built this website for Zap. But WHAT COMMUNITY? Nobody is fucking going to ZapCristal dot com or whatever the address. Nobody is watching her videos, so why would they take the extra step of going to her website?

    Oh, it is ZapCristal dot com. This is poorly designed. There are a lot of problems on my end. If I made this full screen, it would look fine but I always browse in a smaller window.

    And why would anybody even go to this website? There are no interactive features like a message board or something. This is just a collection of her fucking social media shit. She could have just started a LinkTree or whatever it is.

    Oh, she also has a store. I thought it was broken at first but no, it just takes a while to load the page. For £2.65 you can get a jpeg of Zap Cristal dressed as a vampire. And judging by her weight, this picture was either taken many years ago or it’s heavily Photoshopped. So for £2.65 you get a JPEG. Unbelievable.

    And actually, now that I see the higher resolution version (which is free, by the way) she’s pretty chunky even in this picture.

    Then the video ends with more awkward bullshit.

    This video has 178 views after three days. These are Gamer Girls numbers. The blog is doing as well as Zap Cristal’s Youtube channel.

    Here’s ZapCristal with her son and this guy who she just met. What a fucking piece of shit scumbag she is. Maybe she thinks that her son won’t notice the difference. “Wait a minute…did Mr Wright Way just shave his head?”

    But she’s spending Fourth of Ju-ly with the family, ya’ll! Reminder: she’s from New Jersey. But she lives in Texas so apparently that means that you forget how people speak in New Jersey.

    Fucking Fourth of July. Fuck you.

    I had some hillbilly neighbours who would celebrate Independence Day from like June 4th to August 4th. Just constantly lighting fireworks. Every year, the youngest child would walk around with severe burns. I’m not even joking. He was like five years old and covered in burns but he’d still be out there lighting this shit.

    They also had a son about my age. He was a real scumbag. The whole family was, of course.

    But they were honest, no fooling hillbillies. So when I was like 11 or 12 this guy took me to the lake to get “cat tails”. Cat tails were a plant, the tip of which vaguely resembles a cat’s tail. And he said that we can dry them and use them as a substitute for “punks”. Punks were sticks that you would get from the fireworks store which you would light and then use that to light the fireworks. It was like a safety thing so you can light the firework from further away.

    And I said what are you talking about? This isn’t going to work. But he insisted that it would.

    So we got some cat tails and he said just leave them outside on your porch to let them dry. By the time Fourth of July comes around, they’ll be good to go. This was like a month before, I’d guess. I was sceptical but I went with it.

    It actually worked. You’d light the cat tail and it would stay lit for a long time. It was a slow burn. Perfect for lighting fireworks.

    This was before the internet or anything. People just knew these things. This was real hillbilly knowledge.

    And I’m looking this up just now and this information isn’t even on the internet. You never have to buy a punk again. Just dry some cat tails. They work much better than punks and it’s FREE. Maybe the big punk manufacturing companies are conspiring to bury this information.

    Anyway, these neighbours lit loud fireworks all fucking summer and they were giant scumbags. I think that they’re all homeless and unemployed now.

  • June 2023 Wrap Up – Hack The Movies Live – Tony from Hack the Movies

    He’s doing a live stream. Is this new?

    No, he’s apparently doing these for the past six months. About the same time that Newt’s been doing them, I think. Gee, Tony. Where do you get your ideas?

    Actually, let me check the dates. It wouldn’t be the first time that Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen stole somebody’s else idea, after all.

    Oh yeah. Newt’s been doing them for four months. This was a full two months before Newt started doing livestreams. Not that Tony invented livestreams, of course. I’m just saying…the timing is suspicious.

    In most of Tony’s livestreams, it’s between two and four people talking over Skype or whatever. But in this latest livestream, we’re treated to SIX people. We’ve got Tony, of course. He’s the star of the show. But then we also have that anti-abortion Jesus nut. And then we’ve got JoeyC. You might remember him from a couple of previous Hack the Movies episodes. He was the one guy who WASN’T 300 pounds and bearded. And then we’ve got three guys who I’ve never seen before. But one of these guys is in a big wooden crate. This might be interesting. Maybe he’s going to do some Houdini type escape trick.

    Three of these guys have a bunch of crazy shit on their walls. I bet that they get a lot of babes with that shit. Ooh, I love your Infinity Gauntlet limited edition print. Sex later?

    The guy who lives in a crate is getting more pussy than those nerds.

    Ha. Somebody in the chat says, “I hope Crystal isn’t on the panel.” There’s a sentiment that I share.

    2:30 – Casey (the Jesus nut) says that June is her “birthday month”. What? Eugh. Let’s just move on. We can’t get bogged down already. There’s another 85 minutes of this.

    3:00 – Tony tells JoeyC to shill for “superchats” and then that’s what happens. This is painful.

    So I guess the idea here is to talk about films that are out now. Even though some of these people haven’t seen the movies.

    6:00 – Oh, somebody gave a $10 “superchat”. He wants to get the panel’s opinion on some nerdy DC movie bullshit. Totally worth ten dollars.

    I wonder what the oldest Action Comics you could get for $10. Oh yeah. I still remembered my account details from comicspriceguide dot com. I registered like 20 years ago.

    I believe that Action Comics #450 from August 1975 is the oldest comic that you can get for under $10. It’s $8. It’s crazy that these old comics are worth so little. It’s not just this one. Everything post-March 1968 (with the exception of “key” issues) seems to be going for less than $100. This is obtainable. I’m tempted to start building an Action Comics collection. This seems way undervalued. A near-mint copy of a 55 year old Superman comic for under $100? And they’re almost all like this. Where can you even find a near-mint copy of such an old comic?

    Action Comics #71, from 1944, is only $1,800.

    Anyway, back to this boring video.

    This is really dragging. You know what would have helped? Time stamps.

    Oh, in the description they at least list the movies that they talk about: The Boogeyman, Based on a True Story (peacock), Spider-man Across the Spider-Verse, Transformers Rise of The Beasts, Asteroid City.

    Am I interested in any of this? No. But the Ideas Man did do that Spider-man movie and he cried about it. So…I don’t know…let’s check that out, I guess.

    21:00 – They answer a variety of “superchats”. I can not believe that people are giving money to this shit. Their comments are all completely idiotic. You might as well just flush that five or ten bucks down the toilet.

    28:15 – Spider-Man: Across the Spiderverse.

    Wait. Casey isn’t here now. What happened?

    26:30 – I don’t know. She just left. What the fuck is this? Couldn’t be bothered to stay.

    Oh wait. I’m still doing this. No. It’s just Tony talking about this Spider-Man cartoon. I’m turning this off now. If Casey can’t even be bothered to show up for this thing, why should I?

    Fucking disgusting. They bring this Jesus nut in to boost views and then she can’t even stay for the full thing. What was the emergency? She had to go protest outside of an abortion clinic?

    Oh, it seems like Tony is cutting his hair short now. Well, good for him. He’s losing his hair so going the sensible route: buzzing it really short.

    God, every single tweet is just him promoting his videos. No wonder I don’t remember looking at his Twitter before.

    Let’s check out the Ideas Man’s Twitter as a slight palette cleanser.

    “This past weekend. Loosing Cristay and her influence on my life. Just hammered home the idea that in whatever time I have left. I just wanna make weird art with weirder people”

    Loosing, you say. Uh huh.

    But yeah, look at this self-absorbed bullshit. His friend died so said, “You know what? I need some more me time.”

    WHEN WERE YOU NOT HAVING ME TIME?

    And it’s to spend time on his stupid fucking shit “movies” that will never get made and are based on absolutely horrendous (and stolen) ideas anyway. God, if he’s going to steal, at least steal something fucking decent. Rip off Hoop Dreams. I want to see a Newt Wallen documentary about inner-city youth trying to become professional basketball players.

    Or what about a Newt Wallen It’s a Wonderful Life? It’s got to be in the public domain. That’s why it’s played so frequently. Let me check.

    Yeah.

    https://blogs.loc.gov/copyright/2017/12/its-a-wonderful-life/

    Let’s see it. I want Newt Wallen’s take on It’s a Wonderful Life. It’s about death. Newt enjoys death. It’s his second favourite topic after the topic of Newt Wallen.

    I don’t want any fucking greenscreen. Most of the movie takes place outside, in a house, in a store, in a bank, in a tavern. Shit like this. It’s imminently doable. Use the cinema as a set instead of, for example, the tavern. So instead of the scene being about the “good” tavern where George Bailey lives and the “bad” tavern where George Bailey dies, it’s about the good and bad cinema. The “good” cinema is staffed by polite and courteous professionals and for the “bad” cinema, you can just use Newt Wallen and his actual staff. No need to hire actors for that part.

    But no. We’re getting Shark Vampire instead. Actually, has there been any progress on Shark Vampire ever? He changed the name to Nosfersharktu or something that was the last update on Shark Vampire that I recall.

    ,

  • Mint Salad Saw The Terminator (RECAP & REVIEW)

    So the description is, “Has anyone stopped to consider that the best way to deal with a Terminator is the same way to deal with an Autistic? Play a loud noise right in their ear, then stomp on its head!”

    This is clearly something that her fat hillbilly pimp wrote. Advocating extreme violence. I’ll bet money that he’s violent with Mint Salad. That’s the way that pimps typically control their girls, after all.

    And he puts this in the fucking description. Like it’s a joke.

    In the comments, somebody says that they like Mint’s chipped tooth. Somebody claiming to be Mint Salad says that she chipped it herself. I assume that this is a recent injury. All related to my previous comments, I’m sure.

    In another comment, somebody claiming to be Mint Salad says that Kieran edited this video. In a recent Tony from Hack the Movies video, Jess the Former Intern said that she was editing videos for Mint Salad.

    Why are these people working for a guy who’s clearly pimping out a vulnerable, autistic woman who was in the fostercare system? Does it get any lower than this? I appreciate that Kieran and Jess need money since leaving Screenwave but can you be a little more discriminating with your clients? Maybe don’t do work for fat, violent, pimps?

    Let’s just watch this terrible video then, I guess. This fat pimp makes Mint Salad make a video every day. They struggle to get 200 views each. Then of course, there’s all of the revolting stuff on Fansly that he makes her do.

    0:00 – So it starts with like the opening of Terminator where the Terminator enters that alley and there’s all of the electricity and shit and he comes through the time portal or whatever. But Mint Salad is in the title role and her fat hillbilly pimp made her wear skin-tight trousers.

    Then she encourages you to sign up to her Fansly. This is disgusting.

    1:30 – “Why does Sarah Conner even deserve to be saved? She’s a woman. Her value is none.”

    What? Kieran edited this. This woman’s fat hillbilly pimp is not subtle. Kieran didn’t see anything wrong with this? Oh, haha. It’s just a little joke. No, you fat fucking retard.

    And she has a massive chip on her front tooth. How did Kieran think that that happened? She ran into a door?

    It’s not even about putting all of the clues together. This fat hillbilly pimp is screaming what he’s doing. He doesn’t hide it. And yet Kieran and Tony and Jess the Former Intern have absolutely no problem promoting this guy and they just pretend like it’s a big joke.

    4:15 – She starts talking about Terminator is autistic. You know, in case you forgot that Mint Salad is autistic. She only mentions it 300 times a day, after all.

    6:30 – “Why do women have to ruin everything?” And then she goes into another extremely misogynistic rant that her fat hillbilly pimp told her to say. All of this shit was written by her fat hillbilly pimp. There’s no way that Mint Salad picked up on all of these Terminator issues like a “time loop” from her first viewing of the movie. She surely hasn’t even seen the movie.

    So that’s the video. If you ignore all of the weird and unsettling shit, it was fine, actually.

    But speaking of unsettling shit:

    I think with each video, her fat hillbilly pimp also makes her do some “sexy” cosplay for her Fansly.

    And look at these comments.

    • “Damn! …. youre fine”
    • “oh wow”
    • “What a hottie!”
    • “Nice”
    • “That’s the hottest I ever seen Mint”
    • “More like The Sperminator”
    • “You been a bad bad Terminator!”
    • “F yea!!”

    These people are on another planet. Have they not seen a woman before? Have they not seen a woman who does porn before? I know the background for this and it’s surely not Mint Salad’s decision to be doing this, so I feel bad saying this, but she should not be doing porn. I mean, come on.

    She has a perfectly fine body that she can share in a loving, non-exploitive relationship with a nice guy who will appreciate it and appreciate her. But for porn? No fucking way.

    And a lot of these guys who replied have Twitter feeds that are full of pictures of these OnlyFans type women who they follow. And loads of nerd shit. One guy’s Twitter is dedicated almost entirely to Dungeons & Dragons, for example. These people could not get a date if their fucking lives depended on it. This is their life. Following these revolting little-known OnlyFans women.

    And not even a hot woman on OnlyFans. That’s what makes it all the sadder. Because there must be millions of hot chicks on OnlyFans. But these guys are following the bottom feeders of OnlyFans because they think that they have a shot with them. No. There’s no shot. She’s with her fat hillbilly pimp. Actually, I suppose if you scrape together $50 and go to rural Kentucky then you would be able to have a go. But is that what you want? Aim higher.

  • NES Variety Stream! Monster Party, River City Ransom and more! – Erin Plays

    Her last couple of streams, at least of the ones that she uploaded to Youtube, didn’t have the face camera. How is ShiShi supposed to jerk off to that? So in order to make up for that, she’s back with an extra large face camera. Whoa! I’m getting excited over here. Look at that 1980s white denim jacket that she loves wearing. Hot stuff.

    She’s doing a “variety stream”. She says that she hasn’t done one of these in a while. So instead of watching Erin suck at one game, you can watch her suck at many games. How innovative!

    0:30 – She edited something out. I’m not going to check what it was. I don’t give a shit.

    She got hit by the first enemy.

    Then she said that she “doesn’t remember” how to play the game.

    It’s just the same shit every time, isn’t it? How have I gotten over three years of articles out of this? She sucks at video games, doesn’t play video games, doesn’t give a shit about video games, and she’s a compulsive liar. I think that I’ve covered all of this already.

    She’s getting hit by absolutely everything. This is the worst Astyanax gameplay ever recorded.

    She’s also talking about the previous time that she played this game which, of course, was on stream, for money.

    2:30 – Somebody asks if she likes The Pixies. Erin says that she does. She then tells a story about how they did a “show” with Weezer and…she didn’t go. But she wanted to go. Wasn’t that a great story, guys?

    “I don’t know why I didn’t go.”

    Because you have absolutely no interests and you’ve never done anything in your entire life.

    “But yes, I do like the Pixies.”

    SO FUCKING SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THEM.

    This is so fucking easy. If she never went to any concerts, fine. You don’t have to. But fucking say something about the band that you like. What’s your favourite song? What’s your favourite album. ANYTHING. This isn’t hard. But all she can say is, “Yeah, I like them.”

    Well, that’s great, Erin. I’m totally convinced. She’s a big Pixies fan, guys. Can’t name a single fucking song that she likes.

    Let me look this up. Fucking Pixies.

    I never heard of any of these songs. But Erin is all about them, apparently. Can’t tell you anything about them, though.

    3:00 – “Kind of like the Cure, my introduction to them was I had a greatest hits compilation.”

    Okay, great. So names one of their greatest hits that you enjoyed. Of the Pixies or the Cure. Just one song, Erin. You can do it. Enough of this generic bullshit.

    She says that the first album she got from them was Do Little. Let me see if this is a real album. Doolittle. It was indeed. Holy shit. We finally got a normal answer out of this fucking retarded zombie.

    6:15 – “This won’t be an energy-packed, action stream.”

    She’s saying this in the context of her having drank a Red Bull before the stream to try to wake up. Have I missed the energy-packed, action streams from Erin? Because to my mind, they’re all like this.

    6:30 – Then she shows a stuffed Castlevania novelty that Mike bought for her. She doesn’t say that Mike bought it but that’s implied because Erin has no job.

    How much are these? $32.99. Doesn’t seem too unreasonably-priced, I guess. I don’t know what a stuffed novelty goes for these days.

    7:30 – Then there’s another edit. I think that I should check this one. She might have been saying something stupid.

    Well, it wasn’t stupid so much as boring and pointless. She just said “cute” about half a dozen times while looking at the Konami store.

    8:00 – Then she starts playing Batman. This Astyanax gameplay was shockingly bad, even by Erin’s standards.

    She says that it’s been a while since she’s played it. Yeah. When was the last time you played it on stream? That was the last time you played it.

    I haven’t played any NES games in many, many, many years. I used to play this shit on emulators, once in a great while, but it’s been ages. At least ten years. So I understand Erin not playing this shit.

    But why can’t she just admit it? Just admit that you only the games on stream, for money? It’s not a big deal. Nobody would care. But she has to constantly try to pull this con that she plays games in her spare time even though it’s insanely obvious that she doesn’t.

    She’s talking about Monster Party. The horntards want her to play it. She says that she likes the sprites and it’s cute but she doesn’t like the game. Again, she only played it briefly, on stream, for money.

    Erin…we don’t fucking care. About any of this.

    9:15 – “It’s been so long that I forgot the controls for this game.”

    Uh huh. Erin “always” “forgets” the controls to Batman. That’s what happens when you don’t play the fucking game.

    “I used to play this way too much.”

    Oh, do tell, Erin. When did you play it? On stream, for money? Great.

    Erin considers playing a game for 30 minutes, on stream, for money, to be “way too much.”

    I’m at 15:00. This is boring as fuck.

    I’m sorry. I have to skip ahead. She’s not even saying anything.

    Okay, so I’ve skipped around about 30 times throughout the video. In 27 of those instances, Erin wasn’t saying anything. In one, she said “That’s cute.” In another she said, “I haven’t played this for so long.” And in the third she was talking about some Scott Pilgrim game that she knows nothing about.

    This is awful. Thank fuck I stopped when I did. Imagine watching a 90 minute video where NOTHING HAPPENS.

    In the comments, somebody called John Hightower asks Erin. “How are you?” That old chestnut. Erin says, “I’m good and you?” Great stuff, guys. Erin really attracts some great conversationalists to her channel with her own witty repartee.

    I used to listen to some guy called Jim Hightower on the radio. He would talk about black UN helicopters and shit. Let me look this up.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Hightower

    Yeah, it says that he had a radio show since 1993. It’s sparce on the details, though. It says that he’s a progressive political activist. That’s probably accurate but where did the black UN helicopters come into this? That’s a typical right wing conspiracy theory.

    Oh, speaking of conspiracy theories, Erin is worried about Twitter going down again. That dastardly Elon Musk guy is wreaking havoc again. He’s not one of the good billionaires like the previous owners of Twitter. He’s a bad billionaire. Why? I don’t know. The billionaire Jews writing these stories just say that he is.

    Erin gave up on Mastodon, I guess. Remember when Mastodon was poopular? That was a scary few days. Everybody thought that Twitter was going to go away. What are we going to do? How will I keep up with Erin’s fake interests without Twitter? Is she pretending to like Jem today?

    https://mstdn.social/@ErinPlays

    On Reddit, some nerd was recently talking about some kind of open-source…or something…alternative to Reddit. This was when people were panicking over Reddit charging for third party apps.

    I mean, on the one hand I’m all for a system with less regulation that isn’t owned by some greedy billionaires. But these things rarely take off. Look at Mastodon. Or the blogging platform Steemit. You all know Steemit, right? Or Only1, the decentralised OnlyFans rip off. Never even heard of it.

    Let me look this up. Maybe Only1 is the future.

    Well, they’re not noteworthy enough for Wikipedia.

    https://only1.app/Giselle

    From what I can tell, Slim Giselle is like the top person on the platform. She has 19 followers. The more followers you get, the more cryptocurrency you get. Or something. So what does 19 followers get you?

    Anyway, I’ll have to consider getting an Only1 account.

    What was that bootleg OnlyFans that Horseface and Mint Salad were on? Oh, Fansly.

    https://fansly.com/titsmintsalad/posts

    She’s not giving free previews any more. Well, thank god for small favours. Those were fucking nauseating.

    Her subscriptions go up to $100/month. Who would possibly pay that?

    https://fansly.com/CrystalQuin/posts

    There’s Horseface. Her top tier is $15/month. I can not imagine anyone paying $100 for Mint Salad’s shitty Fansly. Or anybody’s, frankly. But Mint Salad? No. With respect, that woman needs to start spending a lot more time in the gym if she’s planning on making a living in the exciting world of pornography.

    Her fat hillbilly pimp should at least be telling Mint Salad to do this. Fucking TuanX does it for Destiny Fomo. He knows what’s up. You have to be in shape if you want to make money from porn. Mint Salad just finishes off a bucket of fried chicken and says that she’s ready for her pictures. No. It doesn’t work that way.

    But back to Crystal Quin over here. Mercifully, her preview pictures are all censored now. And she has half as many subscribers as Mint Salad.

    I wonder if Newt is a subscriber of Horseface’s Fansly. He’s got to be, right? He’s a gold member. Oh, you get dick ratings if you’re a gold member. Yeah, he definitely wants that. What score do you suppose Joe from Gamesack gave to Newt’s dick?

    There’s also vagina ratings. Yeah, nice try, Horseface. No woman is going to send you a picture of their vagina for you to rate. That’s not happening. Even if women did that, which they don’t, they’d find somebody else.

    Dick ratings. How preposterous. And she says that she only gives a 1-10 rating. Is that it? For fifteen bucks, you send a picture of your dick and she just replies with a number? That sucks. That’s not worth fifteen cents. I need to know the reasons why she’s giving the score that she gives.

    And what if you get a low score, what then? You’ve got to unsubscribe, right? Unless that’s your thing. Some people are into people mocking their genitals.

    Why only genitals anyway? Let’s branch out. I know. I’ll do a full body review of Horseface. I won’t even charge fifteen bucks for this. Let me find a picture for reference.

    This is the first full-body picture I could find. It’s not ideal but we’ll go with it. She’s wearing her usual half of a top at least.

    We’ll start at the bottom and work our way up.

    Feet – Tough to say. I’m not a feet guy. But feet guy are interested in arches, right? She doesn’t have arches. It looks like she’s suffering from flat foot. She’d never be able to join the military. I’ll give her feet a 3, I guess.

    Legs – Again, I’m not great at legs either. But from the picture it seems like she has reasonably slim legs. Or shapely legs? I don’t even know the criteria for good legs. I’ll just say 6.

    Hips/Ass – You obviously can’t see her ass in this picture but from memory, it was large and not in a good way. She’s obviously positioning herself in such a way to make her hips look bigger in this picture. Fuck…I don’t know…I’ll go 4 for hips/ass.

    Vagina – Score pending. I’ll have to wait until Horseface sends me a picture before I can do a “V rating”

    Stomach – I’ll give Horseface credit for having a nice stomach. I don’t know if she does sit ups or what but it looks slim, especially in this picture. I’ll go 7.

    Tits – It feels like I need more reference before I can make a judgement here. Let me check her Instagram. Yeah, this was helpful. She has a bunch of bikini pictures. They’re not big, obviously, but I’m scoring this based on a sort of slim woman in her 30s. I’ll say 6.

    Arms – Surprisingly chunky. Not just her speedbag upper arms but her lower arms are also bigger than you’d expect. I’m saying 2.

    Face – Come on. She’s not called Horseface for nothing. She’s a 1.

    I wonder how much I can charge for this. Horseface obviously thinks that there’s a market out there for women to have their vaginas rated. I’m willing to do the whole package. And not just scores. I give reasons for my scores. How much would this be worth? Fifty bucks?

    Well, if there are any women out there reading this and they want to have their body rated, we can work out a price. Send all pictures to gamergrrls at protonmail dot com

    , ,

  • The Triumphant Return of Retro Ali

    Kind of. She’s always been uploading videos to her second channel, where she uploads her Twitch streams. Those videos struggle to get 50 views.

    https://www.youtube.com/@RetroAliLive/videos

    But this is her return to her main channel, RetroAli, not her secondary channel of RetroAliLive. But she’s only posting streams. No “original” content. Her “original” content mostly comprised of “reaction” videos where she would insanely fake, over the top “reactions” to mundane bullshit like a commercial for a video game. And she would always be sure to make that “O” face, as is immortalised in the banner.

    She’s not appearing in person, though. She’s a “Vlogger” now. Why the change? Because she gained about 30 pounds. And instead of losing the weight, she said, “Fuck it. I’ll just be a crudely-animated anime girl instead.”

    Maybe I should start streaming but use the Retro Ali horse cock sucking picture from the banner.

    4:45 – “You guys might be wondering why I’m streaming on Youtube, where have I gone, why am I an anime character? Basically, I guess the tl;dr is I don’t know, I got burnt out on Youtube, basically.”

    And you gained 30 pounds. Go on.

    “So I just went back to my little Twitch dungeon.”

    She says that she doesn’t think that she has monetisation any more. How much money could she possibly have been making from these awful “reaction” videos anyway?

    She’s complaining about Twitch ads and partner agreements. I think she’s complaining that she’s not getting paid enough. For doing these awful Twitch streams where she plays Pokemon as an anime girl. So she wants to get paid by Youtube for these awful videos now.

    I think that she has a job. Or at least she’s had one in the past. Maybe stick with that. And instead of this desperate anime girl shit, just fucking eat less and exercise more. And the exercise is optional.

    Let me go over my own boring weight loss journey because I know that Retro Ali will have NOTHING worth talking about.

    I was a slim kid. I was like 60 pounds when I was 12. And I remember going to a talk in school, some propaganda shit, where they brought a local “hero” who was in Desert Storm. What are they calling that? The Gulf War. Fine. And after his talk about what a hero he was for fighting a primitive, ill-equipped army with the overwhelming force and vast technological superiority of the US military, we had to shake this guy’s hand. So alright. I’m not there to debate the rights or wrongs of this conflict in Iraq. I’ll shake the guy’s hand.

    So we line up and it gets to my turn. I shake his hand and he says, “You need to eat more.” What? This guy’s a hero? He sounds like an asshole to me. He doesn’t know my condition. Maybe I have cancer or something. It could be anything.

    Would he say to a fat kid, “You need to eat less?” Probably not. But it’s okay to thin-shame me? Fuck you, you fucking baby killer.

    When I graduated high school, I was 120 pounds.

    That’s where I stayed up until I was about 23 and I started working out. I gained about ten pounds from that and then when I stopped working out, like six months later, I went down to 125 pounds and that’s where I stayed up until…fuck…I don’t know…when I was 30 I was maybe 130 pounds. And that’s how it was up until covid when I reached a high of 150 pounds. It’s a result of the sedentary lifestyle and also I was eating a lot of takeout because I was convinced that I was unable to gain weight. This was an issue throughout my life. I just couldn’t gain weight no matter what I ate.

    So when I saw that I was 150 pounds, I decided that I should go on a diet. For what it’s worth, 150 pounds is well within the normal weight range for my height. But I thought let’s try to lose some weight and work on the Adonis.

    First, I started counting calories on everything. I remember Kieran how when he was trying to lose weight, he would measure his beer out by the cups and shit like this. I did a similar thing, not quite to that degree, but I tried to calculate how much food and drink I was consuming and I kept a diary. I tried to only eat 1000 calories a day and then when I started to see results, I went up to 1200, and then 1500.

    After three months, I lost 10 pounds. So I thought, “Well, 140 pounds. That’s pretty good. I don’t have to stress about this. But I’d still like to maintain my weight so I’m only going to eat one meal a day.

    I did that for, I don’t know, a year. And I only weighed myself once in a while. I was clearly losing weight but I wasn’t concerned about checking every day or whatever. Clothes were fitting better. I had to put a new hole in my belt to make it an inch tighter. Shit like this. It was obviously working. I was down to like 130 pounds.

    So I said fuck it. I’m not going to bother with this one meal a day thing any more. But by this point, I had made so many changes to my diet that I continued to lose weight anyway. I stopped eating chips or “crisps”, if you prefer. I ate candy just a few times a day. I stopped eating cookies. I rarely ordered takeaways. Shit like this. And this just became the normal way that I eat now.

    I had to put another hole in my belt. So that’s two inches that I lost from my waist. And I’m down to 125, which was my weight when I was 23. And I’m continuing to lose weight so I’m trying to reintroduce more Doritos into my diet to maintain this because I don’t particularly want to lose any more weight.

    So what was the point of this? Oh, yeah. Retro Ali. She gained a lot of weight. It’s not inevitable. Of course your metabolism changes as you get older but that just means you have to put some effort into this. Show some self-discipline.

    You look at somebody like Tony from Hack the Movies, for example. The fags on Reddit will show pictures of Tony when he was 17 and talk about how hot and slim he was and Tony will say, “Of course I was slim. I was 17. I’m 33 now.” Like it’s inevitable to be 250 pounds when you’re 33. No, that’s a result of years of overeating. If Tony would start eating right and maybe exercising (although, that’s optional) he would be well on his way to his high school weight.

    Kieran lost something like 50 pounds in…I don’t know…six months? A year? I don’t know how safe that is, my figures might be all wrong, but it didn’t seem like he was dieting for very long and it was noticeable that he lost weight pretty quickly. Then of course he regained it all but that’s because he gave up on the diet and went back to his old eating habits.

    So let’s get back to Retro Ali. She’s going to be playing Pokemon Stadium. I can’t wait for this.

    7:45 – Somebody asks if she put most of her videos on private. She says that she did. Really? I’m looking at her list of videos and it’s still mostly the usual shit “reaction” videos. How did she determine what stayed and what went?

    All she’s doing is repeating what the announcer in the game says. It’s really annoying.

    I made it to 17:00. That’s enough for me.

  • Bratz of the Lost Media: The Mystery of [COOOOL TV] – Tales of the Lost – Ray Mona

    I can’t watch this. I can’t even attempt to watch it. I’m only human. I know what it’s going to be. It’s going to be crazy Bobdunga doing a PAINFULLY drawn out and boring “documentary” about “lost media” about some inconsequential bullshit that isn’t even “lost”. And she’ll frame it all like it’s the most boring episode of the X-Files ever made.

    If you’d like to learn more about Bobdunga’s “documentaries”, I’ve covered them all. Kind of. As much as anybody can possibly cover these absolutely unwatchable videos. Just search for the “Bobdunga” tag.

    However, I was able to find the spot in this video where a certain Erin Plays made her voice acting debut. It’s at 40:00.

    I wish that I could be positive but oh my fucking god. You’ve never heard worse voice acting. You know how Erin is boring and monotone when she’s speaking off the cuff? Take that and transfer her to reading a script for the first and last time ever. A script that she struggles to read. And she pronounces the word “a” in a long “A” sound. You know…like the letter “A”.

    I always have to explain “long” vowel sounds and “short” vowel sounds in these articles. Do people know what I’m talking about? Because I’ve NEVER heard anyone talk about “long” or “short” vowel sounds outside of, whatever it was, second grade phonics class.

    Anyway, she’s HORRIBLE. It’s completely lifeless. Just like Erin’s normal speech but…EVEN WORSE.

    And there are parts where I can’t even understand what she’s saying.

    It goes on for two minutes. I think that she’s reading message board comments, in Japanese, that have been translated into English. She says “cute” three times in this two minutes.

    What was being said in these messages? I don’t even know. This was so fucking painful…it was just droning. It quickly just became a buzzing noise. I wasn’t listening at all. And I tried to listen because I’m writing this thing but I couldn’t do it. And I can’t bring myself to listen to this two minutes of torture again.

    Don’t quit your day job, Erin. Not that you have one to quit.

    Let’s check out Miss Plays’ Twitter.

    Somebody asks for their favourite Saturday Night Live memory. And you guys know what a big fan of “SNL” Erin is, right? She’s ALWAYS talking about that show. That show that hasn’t been popular since…when was that Gumby sketch? Early 1980s.

    Well, I guess that the Wayne’s World sketches were also somewhat popular. But were they? I think it’s only after the movie was made that it became popular. I don’t remember anyone talking about this shit before the movie.

    But Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald? I guess that was popular? Again, I never heard anybody talk about it but…I don’t know. But this would have been in 1994, I guess, when the OJ Simpsons trial was on.

    Erin was born in 1987. Allegedly. So she would have been seven at the time. Not an age when most children are watching television at midnight. Especially PAINFULLY UNFUNNY television like Saturday Night Live.

    But Erin’s favourite moment was when…Britney Spears was a guest. You guys remember that? Oh, sure you do. Everybody does. She was in that famous butter churning sketch. It was all over the news for the next week. “Fresh cream and a little bit of salt” became a catchphrase in schools across America. It was HUGE. It was a phenomenon.

    More fucking lies from this fucking podperson Erin who doesn’t have a single hobby or interest.

    Oh, the video is on Youtube. It’s from 2000.

    I couldn’t even make it two minutes. It’s the least funny shit in the universe.

    And here’s Erin promoting that AWFUL Bobdunga/Ray Mona “documentary”.

    I thought that she meant TikTok. No. She’s promoting her Instagram. She’s putting videos…where she looks through magazines…on her INSTAGRAM. WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO SEE THAT?

    But somebody on Twitter comments.

    “I went to college with one or two of The Strokes. Before their 2001 tour in Europe, they couldn’t get classmates to see them play. Then after it was different :-)”

    Oh, that sounds interesting. And Erin is a big Strokes fan. She just went through the magazine. And she regularly cites them as one of her favourite bands. So here’s a guy who went to college with them before they were famous. Tell us more.

    You know what Erin said? If you guessed, “That’s cool”, collect your prize at the door.

    “Aw haha that’s cool you went to college with them. Poor guys XD”

    She couldn’t even say something remotely interesting or engaging when this guy was telling an interesting story that directly relates to one her alleged favourite bands. Unbelieveable. Everything is just “that’s cool”. It’s like she’s fucking retarded.

    And what is this picture that she’s using as her profile image?

    What look is she trying to go for here? Vacant imbecile? If so, mission accomplished.

    , ,

  • AEW Fight Forever is Flawed, but Fantastic! – John Riggs

    This might be the first John Riggs video that I’ve ever been interested in. I was huge into wrestling games for many years. And I’m saying as an adult. I started when I was about 20 and got the internet. I played a rom of Fire Pro Wrestling X Premium or whatever it was for Super Famicom. I became obsessed with the game. So then I bought a Dreamcast and a boot cd and I got an import copy of Fire Pro Wrestling D, which I think cost something crazy like $70. I spent thousands of hours on that game.

    Then I tracked down all of the other games in the Fire Pro series, either the roms or physical games. I was able to find an ISO of Fire Pro Wrestling G. And I was downloading this shit on a 56k modem, like 600mb or whatever it was. I couldn’t find a copy of Six Men Scramble so I had to buy it. It worked in the Saturn emulator, though. I bought a PS2 and all of that fiddly swap disc shit that you need to play imports, solely so that I could play Fire Pro Wrestling Returns and I also got Fire Pro Wrestling Z. Thousands of hours put into Fire Pro Wrestling Returns.

    I got Fire Pro Wrestling World when that came out a few years ago. Thousands of hours playing that. I’ve devoted large portions of my life to Fire Pro Wrestling. I tracked down all of them, mostly in rom form, which was something of a challenge back then. I even got the Wonderswan game. I bought one of the GBA games.

    And in amongst this time, I also tried out the whole range of wrestling games, pre-PS2, at least. King of Colosseum and whatever sequels there were, by the people who made Fire Pro. Those games were great. I spent a lot of time with Virtual Pro Wrestling 2 for the Nintendo 64. That was great and a huge improvement over the US version which was…WrestleMania 2000, I think? I also played a lot of No Mercy for the Nintendo 64 but Virtual Pro Wrestling 2 is still better.

    God, I played fucking everything. I looked for every wrestling game ever made. I played the Atari 2600 wrestling game. I played sumo wrestling games for the Famicom and Super Famicom. The arcade wrestling games like WrestleFest and that shitty Mortal Kombat style WWF game. I tried to play every wrestling game ever made. Fire Pro is, by far, the best, although King of Colosseum is also really good.

    So I’m an expert at wrestling games. And I know that fatass John Riggs also enjoys the virtual grappling. I’ve been cautiously looking forward to this AEW game, even though I haven’t watched wrestling since I was like 19 years old, being an adult and all. So let’s check it out.

    0:15 – The game came out today, apparently, but John Riggs is showing the created wrestler that he made of himself. Really? Is this the largest body type that they had? John Riggs has never been as slim as his created wrestler looks. He also gave the character a hat. So even John Riggs’ wrestling character is deeply self-conscious about his baldness.

    1:15 – He’s showing the match types. Usual shit.

    2:15 – He says that intergender matches are possible. This is a weird thing that I guess recent WWE games don’t allow. I don’t know when it started. I’ve downloaded a few bootleg versions of the modern WWE games and they all suck dick. My main problem is that the characters all seem to be equally good. They have equal stats. You can put, whatever, Hulk Hogan against some shitty modern guy low on the card and it’s a complete coin toss who’s going to win.

    By contrast, if you’re playing a Fire Pro game and you put Hulk Hogan against some job guy, it would be a real upset if Hogan lost. I’m talking about AI vs AI matches, by the way. That’s how I “play” these games, which is really, really pathetic. Like playing with dolls as a kid. But I don’t actually like actively playing wrestling games. There’s a whole scene of GIANT nerds in the Fire Pro community who likewise only enjoy “simming” matches.

    He goes through the various things you can do to create a wrestler but doesn’t talk about the stats. He just talks about appearance and moves. Are there stats in the game? Frankly, that’s my main concern with any wrestling game. Only Fire Pro got the stat system right. With every other wrestling game, all of the characters are equally as good.

    As a test, I once made a created character in No Mercy with all 1’s for their stats and then another character with all 5’s (or whatever the highest number was). It made no different. I’d pit these two characters against each other and each one won an equal amount of times. They were identical characters but one had maxed out stats and the other hand bottom stats. No difference. Fucking bullshit.

    8:30 – John Riggs is schilling for RGT85. John Riggs was playing this game with RGT85. RGT85 is the guy who looked at Newt Wallen’s penis, along with Joe from Gamesack. I wonder if John Riggs is also looking at Newt’s penis. Maybe this is what they all do. They sit around showing their penises to each other.

    So anyway, John Riggs finishes the video by saying, “Eh, it’s alright, I guess.”

    I think I’m going to hold off. And I’m never going to buy it. The money-grubbing DLC is too much for me. I got all of the Fire Pro Wrestling World DLC, with great hesitation, but only to support the fine people who made Fire Pro Wrestling World.

    I don’t have the same affinity for the people who made this AEW game.

    Let’s see what the boys on Steam have to say. Oh, you have to pay £4 for Matt Hardy. This is what I’m talking about. Bullshit DLC. And on Day 1. Fuck you.

    Oh, somebody mentions Wrestling Empire. Yeah, I played all of that shit too. All of those weird MDickie games made by some Jesus nut English guy. And it’s not just wrestling games, he also has prison simulator games and classroom simulators, and Jesus of Nazareth simulators and a lot of weird shit, but they’re all about solving your problems through powerbombing people through tables. Even the Jesus simulator. It’s hilarious.

    And I contacted MDickie once because I had a problem registering the game or something and he replied right away telling me how to fix it and said if it doesn’t work, let him know and he’ll give me the money back. I got it to work, though so I thanked him and told him to keep up the good work. It’s good service, though. And it’s just the one guy doing all of this, I’m pretty sure.

  • Today I lost someone I loved very much – Newt Wallen

    Let me start by saying that I’m going to be as sensitive as possible. I know that Newt reads the blog. I also know that he didn’t mean for this video to be in any way offensive. But the fact is that this was just another weird, self-obsessed, sexual video from The Ideas Man. His friend died and yet the video is all about him and all of the sexy time that he had with this woman. Even the fucking thumbnail is tits and gore bullshit.

    0:30 – Newt starts the video by talking about how this woman was getting chemotherapy and they would talk to each other. Thirty seconds into the video, he says, “She would shit talk people who were fucking with me or people from my old life and stuff like that.”

    It’s all about him. This woman died and the first thing he talks about is how this woman would defend him against the fags on Reddit and fucking Horseface and Tony. Who cares?

    You’d think that with somebody dying, it might put things into perspective, about how insignificant Reddit and Horseface drama is. No. It’s the first thing that he talks about.

    0:45 – “We talked about all of the movies that we were going to make.”

    Now he’s talking about his delusional movie plans.

    You know what might have been interesting? Talking about what this woman was interested in. What her hopes and dreams are. Not fucking Newt’s hopes and dreams.

    Then he starts talking about how this woman did the makeup for Swamp Zombies 2.

    I mean…why does it all have to be about Newt? I know that he’s giving a personal account of this woman so he has to somehow be involved in the story. But why is it all just about shit that he’s promoting or that he’s obsessed with? What about a story about the delicious muffins that this woman would make and they would share? That would be a touching story and totally appropriate. No. Just what dumb projects of Newt’s has this woman had some involvement in.

    1:15 – “She was one of — she was the first love of my life. We met on my birthday in 2002. I used to run a comic book store in (some mall) in South Jersey. My grandfather passed away on my birthday. My dad’s dad. I didn’t know him very well.”

    Newt…this is not about you and your hangups. This is about your friend who died. Can you get on with it, please?

    “I couldn’t get anybody to cover for me. So I was at work and these two girls came in. I just started making conversation with them. I thought the one was adorable. She had a little crooked tooth.”

    Newt…IT’S WHOLLY INAPPROPRIATE. In 2002, Newt was about 20. I looked it up and I think that this woman was about two years younger than Newt. So anyway, he’s implying that the other woman wasn’t attractive so he went after the attractive one. And he gives this creepy ancedote about her teeth. What the fuck is this?

    But it gets worse. MUCH worse. Just hold on.

    “We talked for quite a while in the mall. And then I followed her around like a lost puppy after that.”

    This girl that he just met. In the mall. Okay. I know that he was only like 20 and she was, let’s just say 18, but it’s still creepy. It’s somebody who he just met. In a comic book store in the mall.

    2:15 – “So she kept coming into the mall. On Halloween, she came in dressed as (somebody). Then when the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake came out, that was like our first date. We went to go see that. And then I went to her house for the first time.”

    I assume that this is all happening on the same day. After the movie, he went to her house. You might think, “Well, maybe it was an innocent thing. They just talked about their shared passion for tits and gore movies.” No. Hold on. The Ideas Man is building the creep story.

    2:45 – “So we were together for quite a while. She was the first person who ever told me that she loved me.”

    Uh huh.

    “I didn’t have a family who was very affectionate. This is stupid. I’m a 41 year old man. It shouldn’t matter but…”

    Then he tells the story from two years ago when he was in the hospital and asked his mother why she never said that she loves him. He’s told this story before.

    Newt…IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR HANGUPS. THIS IS ABOUT THIS FRIEND OF YOURS WHO DIED.

    Imagine this guy giving the fucking eulogy. It would be all about Shark Vampire and how Horseface doesn’t talk to him any more. This woman’s family would have Newt physically removed from the premises. It’s disgraceful.

    3:15 – “Cristay used to tell me to write. She was an actress. She was a model when she was younger. I still have all of her modeling pictures in a photo album.”

    Eugh. Technically, this is about this woman but really, it’s about Newt about how he’s had sex with all of these hot model/actresses. And he still keeps her modeling pictures in his personal spank bank. We don’t need to know this.

    3:30 – “I lost my virginity to her.”

    This is the part that I was waiting for. This is where I turned the video off when I was watching this just for “fun”. It’s fucking vile. Why on earth would he think that it’s appropriate to share this information?

    “But she was my sounding board. She was my editor.”

    It’s all about Newt. What did this woman do for Newt. Well, she listened to his shitty ideas, she did editing work for him, and she fucked him.” He’s not said ANYTHING about this woman yet. We don’t know ANYTHING about her. All that we know is about stuff that this woman did for Newt.

    Then he gives some creepy, embarassing, superficial, insulting stories like when she laughed, it sounded like a seagull.

    4:00 – “She was the person who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with but I messed a lot of shit up. One of the downsides of how much she loved me and how much she told me that I was good at this, that, and the other thing is that it built my confidence in a bad way and I started giving my attention to other women and spending time with other people.”

    Newt thinks it’s important that you know exactly how much this hot model/actress loved him, and would tell him how awesome he was. Then he goes on to say that he dropped this hot model/actress for Horseface.

    I don’t want to watch this any more. I don’t know who this woman was. I assume that if she was hanging out with Newt that she was, with respect, a scumbag. But nobody deserves such a disrespectful video as this.

    And this is somebody who he’s never talked about before. Not once. Now that she’s dead, he releases this revolting video. It’s just another example of his obsession with death. Death and Newt Wallen. Those are his two obsesssions. This video combines both of his passions.

    6:00 – Newt starts talking about how he got cancer in 2006, this caused him to lose his job, and for some reason it caused him to no longer talk to this woman’s friend group. They had a mutual friend group. He stopped talking to this woman years earlier, by the way. So he says that he had to start over and find new friends and he compares this to what happened a few years ago when he lost his job at Screenwave for massive plagiarism.

    We’re still talking about Cristay, right? No. We haven’t even started talking about Cristay. This is all about Newt.

    7:00 – Then he says that he met Horseface.

    Newt…what about your friend Cristay who just died? Do you want to say a few words about her? A few non-creepy words?

    No. He just wants to talk about himself. This is every fucking video. He’s completely self-obsessed.

    Then he says that Horseface took the position of Cristay. It’s just so shameful. Can I stop the video? I’m trying to give him a chance to say SOMETHING about this woman but it’s also extremely off-putting when he’s just fucking talking about himself the whole time.

    7:45 – Now Newt briefly mentions that he was dating Justin Silverman’s sister when he was living in Arizona. What on earth does any of this have to do with Cristay?

    Then Newt says that when he returned to New Jersey or rural Pennsylavania or where ever he lived, he got a message from Cristay that she broke up with her husband. She got married and had a child, by the way. He mentioned that in passing earlier. And he says that Cristay said that she heard about this show Underbelly that Newt was doing with Justin Silverman.

    Newt…IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. He’s going to tell us about how fucking great Underbelly was now. And how much this woman loved Underbelly and wanted to have sex with Newt.

    8:00 – So he goes on a date with this woman. He says that they went to his car and talked until the sun came up. Then he says, “All the anger and the animosity and everything was gone. It was just — it brought me right back to those times when we used to…you know…when we were together.”

    He’s literally talking about the times when he had sex with this hot model/actress.

    Newt. I’ve given you every chance in the world. I’m turning this off now. It’s completely disgraceful. You should be deeply ashamed of yourself. This woman deserved better than to know a piece of shit like you.