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Soul Man Is A REAL Movie That Exists! – Tony from Hack the Movies
Oh, we’ve got a black guy as the guest for a movie about a white man who pretends to be a black man. Or something. Some of that delightful racism that Tony so clearly enjoys.
You know what I’d do if I was Mushmouth over here? Mushmouth is the guest on Tony’s show today. He doesn’t speak very clearly, much like the beloved character Mushmouth of Fat Albert fame. I’d say, “Well, Tony, I’d love to appear on your Talking About Tapes Youtube show but not to talk about this movie that deal with racial issues in a comedic sense. I will, however, appear on the show to discuss any number of other movies. Sure, I’m a black man but I enjoy a wide variety of movies. Don’t let your racist views influence what kind of movies you think I would enjoy.”
Here’s his Youtube channel:
https://www.youtube.com/@MannyMuskets/videos
He has a handful of videos. He’s a “local comedian”. He also has some podcast that nobody listens to. He would kill to get Zap Cristal numbers.
Here’s one of his stand up comedy videos. It starts with the 400 pound MC saying “Let’s give it up for the comedy stylings of Manny Muskets!”
Well, let’s see. The video is entitled “Is Manny funny?”
Okay, I’m calling a halt to the proceedings at 2:00. The answer is a resounding “no”. I only understood a few words. “Pussy” and “Nigger”. Those words kept cropping up a lot.
Well, comedy isn’t easy. Or enunciating.
Oh, this guy was talking about wanting to be on Kill Tony. John of Cinemassacre fame was apparently on there. I have no idea what “Kill Tony” is but let’s check it out.
It starts at 1:01:00.
Okay, I’m just going to move on. It’s not even worth discussing.
Back to…oh god. Tony from Hack the Movies? I thought that I retired this bullshit.
2:00 – Tony says, “I introduced him and then afterwards he said the ‘N’ word about 20 times.”
Yeah, that seems to be his routine. I…hmm. You don’t want to kill anyone’s dreams but…is there a career in this? It’s not exactly breaking new ground, is it? We get that you’re a black man. What else have you got? Any hobbies? Interests? What’s the deal with airline food?
2:30 – Tony wishes us a happy Black History Month.
That’s right. I forgot all about it. Where was Pelvic Gamer promoting all of these businesses of women who may not be black? Without this, the entire month passed me by. This whole time, I was just thinking that it’s February. It didn’t dawn on me that it’s also Black History Month.
Okay, I’m stopping the video at 6:00. Six minutes of this trash is six minutes too long.
According to the comments, people are saying this is the funniest Hack the Movies ever. I’m not sure what number two would be but…in spite of that endorsement, I still can’t bring myself to watch this.
I just don’t find “White men walk like this but black men walk like this” to be funny. It’s been done a billion times by a billion funnier people. What is this guy going to bring to the table?
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Bozo the Clown – Joey D’Auria Bozo the Clown
We all know what a fan Mike Matei is of Bob Bell. Bob Bell played Bozo in the Chicago version of the show from 1960 to 1984. Mike was four years old when Bob Bell retired but he remembers him fondly.
I’m two years older than Mike and have no memory AT ALL of Bob Bell. So he’ll have to regale you with stories of Bob Bell. For my part, I’m going to compile a non-exhaustive list of memories I have of the show in the Joey D’Auria era.
I watched it every day before school. Just for a few minutes. Ten or fifteen minutes maybe. I’m thinking that I had to leave for school shortly after the show started. But I remember always being disappointed that I couldn’t watch more of it.
Cooky was the main other clown on the show, played by Roy Brown. There was also Wizzo, played by Marshall Brodien. He was only part-time, it seemed. Cooky was a cook and Wizzo was a wizard. In real life, Marshall Brodien was a magician. I don’t know what Roy Brown’s real-life culinary skills were like.
Cooky and Wizzo were already pretty old by the time Joey D’Auria took over the role as Bozo. Roy Brown would have been 52 and Marshall Brodien 50. Joey D’Auria was a sprightly 32.
Roy Brown also played Cuddly Dudley on the show. This was a dog puppet who would read jokes that the kids would send in. Bozo would be there to help out. They’d be knock knock jokes and whatnot. But Cuddly Dudley often had to prompt Bozo to turn the page or put a new letter down because it was keeping in character that the dog was reading the jokes.
I had a stuffed animal that vaguely looked like Cuddly Dudley so I named it in honor of the character. Then I had to sell it for 25 cents at a garage sale. My mother was out there hawking my wares. “Hey, all of my son’s prized possessions: only 25 cents each! Everything must go! I am assuring that he won’t speak to me as an adult!”
There would be games on the show. Usually with kids. And Bozo would call the team who lost, “The second place team.”
Sometimes the parents would play the games. A popular one was putting a pillowcase onto a pillow, taking it off, and then handing it to the next person to do the same. It was always men against women and the men almost always won.
Cooky would sometimes hype the men up. Remind them of the history of men dominating the game.
So there was one time when the men lost. And Cooky really made a big deal out of it. Cooky was the one who would bring the prizes out. So when Bozo said, “And what do we have for our second place team, Cooky?” Cooky said, “You mean the losers?” Bozo sheephisly said, “I mean our second place team, Cooky.” Cooky loudly said, “For the losers we have this deck of Uno playing cards” or whatever the prize was.
Grand Prize Game. This was a game where you had to throw a ping pong ball, sequentially, one at a time, into six buckets of increasing distance from the player. The prizes increased in value the more buckets you got. In buckets one to three you might get an Etch & Sketch or a gift certificate to a hair salon, or some frozen pizza. Nothing amazing. But in bucket four, you’d get a Radio Flyer wagon. And Cooky would put all of the prizes you won so far into the wagon so that you could cart them home with ease. I don’t remember what you’d get in bucket five but it must have been something great.
It all paled in comparison to bucket number six. You got a Schwinn bicycle and fifty bucks. And Cooky would always happily ride out on this little children’s bicycle. Later, they upped the prize to $100 and the bicycle.
The Grand Prize Game wasn’t without it’s fair share of controversy, though. There was one time when a suspiciously old-looking 12 year old was playing the game. Cooky made jokes about him shaving and whatnot.
But the main issue was when kids too young to understand the rules of the game would play. They knew that you had to get the ball in the bucket but couldn’t seem to remember that they had to keep their toes behind the line. So they’d just walk up to the bucket and put the ball in.
They would always allow it but Bozo would get increasingly adamant as this went on, explaining the rules.
There was one particularly egregious offender who was being actively encouraged by his father to break the rules. And Bozo would say, “No, don’t listen to him. Keep your toes behind the line and THROW the ball.” But the kid wouldn’t listen. So after bucket four, Bozo had to essentially restrain the kid while he threw the ball at bucket five and obviously missed.
At the end of the show was The Grand March. This is where Bozo would lead the audience out of the studio while carrying a marching baton. But very often Cooky wanted to lead The Grand March. So Bozo would propose a “fair and square”, which was some kind of bar trick, with the premise that if Bozo lost, Cooky could lead the march.
I always rooted for Cooky. Cooky was the main draw of the show for me. Bozo was fine for little kids and simpletons but Cooky had an edge to him. Cooky appealed to, dare I say, the more cerebral members of the Bozo Show audience. He didn’t talk down to you like Bozo did.
Every once in a great while, something would go wrong with this “fair and square.” Bozo would just fuck something up or the prop broke or it just didn’t work for whatever reason. Cooky would relish this and eagerly take the baton and lead The Grand March.
It was a great show. I watched it regularly, even as it constantly continued its downward spiral, until it was finally cancelled. I was in my last year of college by this point.
It’s all gone now. They didn’t save the tapes. There’s some lost media that Bobdunga should uncover. Fuck this anime shit.
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A chat with Schlock And Awe Films! – The Mummy and the Monkey
So we’ve got Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen being “interviewed” by some skank while he was at that nerd convention in Ohio. She has a small Youtube channel with her boyfriend or husband. The premise here is that the guy dresses up as an ape and the woman dresses up as a mummy prostitute. And they travel around the greater Cleveland area filming…the horror scene of Cleveland.
Before we get into the video, I’d like to peruse some of her other content.
This is her showing off some shit that she sold on Ebay. It all seems to be stuff that goes for about $20. Not worth it. But she mentions in this video that she used to have a store. Presumably some kind of antique shop.
It doesn’t even seem worth doing. Selling shit on Ebay for $20? Then Ebay takes their cut. And how much did this stuff cost her? Plus the hassle of posting all of this shit. Keeping records. For what? She might be making two bucks each off of this stuff.
So this is more of the same. She’s selling low-value items on Ebay.
But this one includes her fat husband. And this guy looks at least 20 years older than her. That really adds to the whole creep show vibes of all of this. He’s dressing as a gorilla, completely covered, including his face, and he’s making his wife go out there dressed as a whore mummy. Trying desperately to get some views. Make a few pennies. And none of it is working. Nobody is watching these videos.
7:45 – We see this guy. He’s talking about how he has covid. It’s the second time he got it. I suppose at his age, he should be concerned.
Are there no men in Cleveland? Why did she pick this guy? Maybe he has a 12 inch penis or something.
Speaking of which, let’s get to the giant dick that is Newt Wallen.
0:00 – “Hey groovy ghoulies.”
Eugh. Wait, this woman likes antiques. Maybe that’s the attraction to this guy. She’s going for retro men. Men who were popular in the 1970s.
And her name is Janet Decay. Probably a nom de plume.
Janet: I ran into B-movie extraordinaire…
Newt: Jack of all trades, king of none is what I like to say.
“Master of none”, Ideas Man.
Newt says, “I saw you guys walk by and I said, ‘I know them from the internet.’”
Oh, do tell, Newt. 4,700 subscribers to this creep show of a channel.
0:30 – Eugh. Then we get to see Madilynn aka Miss Crack Whore.
Janet: Ooh, the beautiful B-movie actress Madilynn.
Crack Whore: B-movies? Alright.
Newt: “B” for “boobs”.
Okay. First of all, Miss Crack Whore has been in ONE movie, as far as I’m aware. Some piece of shit that Newt had some involvement in. That nobody watched. And it would be a compliment to describe that utter dreck, made with a budget of zero, as a “B movie.”
But Miss Crack Whore took offence to that comment. She’s utterly repellent, not just physically but personality-wise.
And then Newt immediately with the stupid fucking, retarded, desperate, horny, unfunny comment about breasts. When am I supposed to be jerking off to any of this? Can we get some sort of prompt?
0:45 – Miss Crack Whore says, “XXX-Mas was actually my first feature film that I had a lead role in.”
How fucking delusional is this woman? Who would possibly describe a Newt Wallen production as a “feature film” and her role as “lead role”? This is absurd. These are on par with student films. Worse than that. At least with a student film, you might be working with somebody who has potential. This is pure trash with noted talentless nobody Newt Wallen. This isn’t some undiscovered genius. This is a guy who comes up with the world’s dumbest fucking ideas, stuff that a fifth grader would reject as too stupid, and inexplicably thinks that they’re good.
Shark Vampire. Sucks 2 Suck. Slut Cheerleaders from Space. Amityville Whores. It’s the same fucking shit over and over and over again. And none of it is good. None of it is clever. None of it is funny.
He recently posted on Twitter about shitting out a Popeye script now that Popeye is in the public domain. He’s entirely incapable of coming up with anything original. He can only plagiarise.
And it’s never even anything remotely interesting. This Popeye script is just Popeye chasing a naked Olive Oyl for 60 pages. It’s shit. Every page is just a stage direction detailing where the camera should be in relation to Olive Oyl’s exposed tits.
1:00 – The name of some “film” that they’re apparently doing gets censored out. I don’t know why. It was either vulgar or they’re really concerned that somebody is going to steal their idiotic title and/or premise.
1:15 – Newt says, “Vanpire is happening. Jawsferatsu is happening. Basically what it is if you show up to something or you’re in my vicinity, you wind up in my movie.”
This is what happens when you get two total narcissists together. Miss Crack Whore wants to present herself as some great, famous actress. But Newt, who wants to present himself as a Hollywood bigshot, downplays her role in any of this and bigs himself up. “She’s nothing. Anybody can be in one of my movies. All you have to do is pretend to be my friend. What about you, Whore Mummy? You want to drop that 50 year old and get some fresh 40 year old meat?”
1:45 – After Whore Mummy gets creeped out, she references the Shark Vampire puppet. Newt says that this is his next big project.
Newt says that Shark Vampire is basically some other film crossed with some other film. That’s what he always says. No original ideas from this buffoon. 100% plagiarism. And then says that movie is “Dracula with a shark head.” Whore Mummy is clearly unimpressed, as every human being on the planet would be.
2:30 – Newt actually advertises the live streams that he does on his channel. You know…those creepy five hour livestreams with PVC Bondage Guy and whatever homeless drifter she manages to pick up off the street.
Newt also shows Florida Man Saves Christmas. This has been delayed by many years. He says it will be out “June/July” Just list all of the months, Newt. Cover all of your bases. It’s not going to be released at all.
Then he says that he made 250 “ashcans”. I descibed these comics as “ashcans” recently as a joke. I’ve never heard Newt say this. But now he’s using this term.
Whore Mummy says, “Everybody loves to make fun of Florida Man. It’s like a thing.”
Yeah. Exactly. It’s an existing thing. Newt refuses to even try to come up with anything original.
I’ve been thinking. Newt got fired from Screenwave for gross unprofessionalism. He was too unprofessional for SCREENWAVE MEDIA. The place where the owner dresses like a lady, their biggest client is a mentally retarded scat fetishist, the co-host on Talking About Games is showing his cock, and their three most well-known employees are constantly in a competition to see who can be the most incompetent, offensive, and off-putting. Ryan Schott, while wearing a miniskirt and too much makeup, said to Newt Wallen, “I don’t think that this is going to work out. We have a certain image to maintain.”
3:00 – So then Newt describes Florida as “America’s wang” which is not only a joke that’s he’s stolen (of course) but it’s a stolen joke that he’s repeated probably HUNDREDS of times.
3:15 – “I call it ‘God’s Waiting Room’ because everybody just moves there waiting to die.”
Oh. Do you, Newt? You came up with that one all by yourself, didn’t you? No, of course not. I’ve heard this many times.
Let’s actually look this up.
https://familyguy.fandom.com/wiki/The_Courtship_of_Stewie%27s_Father/Quotes
Family Guy. He stole it from Family Guy. I was thinking The Simpsons. But yeah. Family Guy.
Did you think we wouldn’t know, Newt? It’s not exactly an obscure show.
Every single thing that this guy says is plagiarised.
And wait a minute. Isn’t that “America’s wang” thing from The Simpsons? Yeah. God. Newt, fuck off.
3:15 – Then Miss Crack Whore, in response to Newt saying that people in Florida are waiting to die, says, “By alligator, by meth.”
No, Miss Crack Whore. That’s not the joke. The joke is that Florida has a large population of elderly people. She didn’t get it. She’s an idiot. But she did mention meth so…shout out to Miss Crack Whore’s second favourite illicit drug.
Then the video ends with Newt creeping on Whore Mummy some more, Whore Mummy continuing to find Newt to be talentless and creepy, and it cuts off with Miss Crack Whore in mid-sentence. Great stuff. Just don’t even bother to include whatever self-obsessed comment that drug-addled moron wanted to spew.
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Radcon Feels like a 1998 Convention – John Riggs
John Riggs attending one of the 120 nerd conventions that he goes to annually. Is he going to creep on the ladies? Is he going to eat? Let’s find out.
0:00 – So it starts with some weird…thing. A couple of women in rainbow tops looking at a wall that has pictures of people on it. I don’t know. Nothing is explained.
0:45 – Now we’re in some kind of control room and it’s manned by a couple of guys who each weigh…oh…I’d say at least 500 pounds. It looks like a hotel room. I don’t know what any of this is. No explanation is given.
I think what this is is a nerd convention that takes place in a hotel. But not in a lobby or some kind of conference hall. This takes place in the rooms of the hotel. So people will set up shops in each individual hotel room. This isn’t creepy at all.
1:45 – He’s in a room that sells hats. Any type of hat you want, as long as it’s a fedora.
2:15 – John Riggs picks up a flogger and says, “I don’t know about that so much.”
I really don’t want to think about John Riggs’ BDSM exploits.
2:30 – There’s some lunatic outside a hotel room with one of those like plague doctor masks on. You know, with like a beak. He’s walking around in public like this.
It seems that John Riggs is there with his son/daughter. Not the son/daughter who actually looks like a guy and had her name changed and possibly had some surgery but the other son/daughter.
3:00 – This hotel room sells “caffeinated marshmallows.”
By the way, this nerd convention is taking place in Washington. John Riggs lives in Washington. I don’t know how far he travelled for this but it wasn’t across state lines at least.
You can buy these small bags of marshmallows here: https://shop.indiprogames.com/products/caffeinated-marshmallows
Only $9.00 each. Nine dollars for a bag containing six marshamallows. Now, I know that prices have gone up since I was last in the US, but are marshmallows going for $1.50 each now? In my day, you could get a bag of about 100 marshmallows for $1.50.
You can also buy like card games and board games from that site. And you can filter your search by weight. That’s a first for me. For those of you out there who make your purchasing decisions based on the weight of a game.
Personally, I won’t play anything over two pounds. It’s just not worth the effort.
5:00 – Now John Riggs is in a hotel room selling like…penis armour. Well, for the man who has everything, I guess.
Then a 400 pound woman wearing a top hat and a fur coat enters from the balcony. What the fuck is any of this? Would you want to spend one fucking second with these people?
And apparently, they’re doing this at night. A few seconds earlier, John Riggs said that a lot of these “stores” (hotel rooms) are closed for the night. How late is it? How fucking creepy is it go through a hotel and deal with these fat sexual deviants selling weird bullshit? And he’s there with his son/daughter.
6:00 – They’re at some Star Trek-themed…I don’t even know. But they seem to be selling beverages.
Oh. I think it’s…a hotel room that’s been transformed into a bar. Is he still there with his son/daughter?
But you can get Romulan Ale and whatnot. You know…because it’s Star Trek-themed.
God. Who goes to these places? Speaking of filtering by weight, who under the weight of 300 pounds is going to these places?
6:45 – John Riggs is showing the Star Trek beverage that he got and there’s a 300 pound goth woman in the back eagerly wanting to order her own Star Trek beverage. This is fucking pathetic in the extreme. It’s like a parody of a nerd convention. Where’s the Doctor Who-themed bar?
Where did his fucking son/daughter go? She doesn’t seem to be there. Did he just make her wait outside like a dog?
8:30 – John Riggs expresses surprise that these vendor booths have closed for the day but the merchandise is still out on display and can easily be stolen. But here’s the thing: nobody wants this shit. So it’s safe to leave it out.
8:45 – “The lobby is still hopping at like 1.00 am”
And there’s footage of a fat chick with a tail. What the fuck? These are the bottom feeders even at nerd conventions.
9:00 – Then is just cuts to the next day. So did John Riggs fuck that fat chick with the tail or what? Or maybe it was that purple-haired woman in the…egg costume or something?
But now it’s just the next day and we see John Riggs with his son/daughter. Where was she when he was doing all of this weirdo shit? In a hotel room? He just leaves her in a hotel room? I don’t know how old he/she is. 14? 15? I mean…there are so many poor parenting choices that John Riggs has made that this is perhaps lower on the list but it’s still noteworthy.
9:45 – Now John Riggs is getting breakfast. The buffet is $8.00. So less than the cost of six marshmallows.
Sadly, we don’t get to see what John Riggs got.
Also, John Riggs made a weird comment. He was talking about something called “Baca-Con”…or something…and suggested that they had to change the name because Japanese people would be offended. What is he talking about? I didn’t get it.
10:00 – A relatively svelte 200 pound woman is showing John Riggs some NES games. You know the old saying, in the land of the 400 pounders, the 200 pound woman is hot.
11:30 – John Riggs seems offended at a vendor selling fur. He’s about to get the red paint out.
And this is somebody who eats like three whole chickens a day. Yeah, you’re a real friend of the animals, John Riggs.
11:45 – Some vendor is offering hair braiding. Unfortunately, John Riggs doesn’t go for it.
11:58 – You’ll have to pause this one. There’s a guy in the background sitting down and wearing a mask who’s got to be easily 500 pounds. You only see him for a second.
12:00 – Just a room of giant fucking nerds playing Dungeons & Dragons or something.
I’m seeing a lot of people wearing masks.
15:21 – Another 500 pound man selling shit to nerds. I’m noticing a trend.
16:15 – John Riggs sees a small “treasure box” and his idea of what to put in there is “snacks, like some chocolate coins or something.”
It’s always got to be the food with this guy. Are you not seeing these people, John Riggs? These 500 pound men? I mean, you’re 400 pounds. That should be enough cause for concern. But don’t these 500 pound men alarm you? This should be a wake up call. Start dieting and exercising.
Then we see John Riggs in a Dr Robotnik or whatever costume. This is the most pathetic thing in the universe.
16:45 – “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a convention more dog-friendly.”
That’s no way to talk about these women, John Riggs.
17:27 – Another 500 pounder.
17:30 – Medieval jousting. But this takes place in an alternate universe where medieval knights were at least 300 pounds. I don’t envy the steed who has to carry these fatasses around.
19:30 – 500 pound men in their 50s watching anime in a Star Trek-themed “bar”. This just about sums it up.
- “That Link from the thumbnail makes me seriously uncomfortable. Don’t they do background checks on their attendees? I wouldn’t want to run into that guy in the restroom. You might find him drilling holes in the walls of the cubicles.”
John Riggs must have changed the thumbnail since that was posted.
- “Nice to see Lily again.”
John Riggs says, “They still pop up sometimes. They changed their name to Jay since high school but always love it and can tell when someone’s been watching a LONG time. I kinda miss doing those old unboxing videos. Maybe I’ll bring’em back.”
John Riggs, you are a total failure as a father. TWO of your daughters became sons/daughters? Some weirdo bullshit going on at the Riggs household. I don’t want to speculate beyond that.
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Erin Plays and Mike Matei stream random NES games!
Oh yes. The old “variety” stream. Erin really loves her “variety” for the past…at least two years. It affords her the built-in “I’ve never played this before” excuse.
0:00 – It stars with the video looking normal but then Erin quickly changes it so we get the fucking tv screen border that fucks everything up. All to be “cute”.
“I was out of town for a bit so sorry for no streams.”
“Out of town” is her euphamism for visiting her parents. Why can’t she just say “I was visiting my parents”? Everything has to be bizarre obfuscation with her.
Then there’s an edit. Who knows or cares what she didn’t want us to see?
0:15 – “We’re going to start with Palamedes. I think Palamedes is another game that I hate…the artwork for…if I remember correctly.”
She’s a real “gamer”, guys. Doesn’t know any of the games. Her knowledge comes 100% from streaming these games, briefly, during “variety streams.”
And Mike is playing the game, by the way. Erin could not fucking care less. It’s her stream but Mike is playing the games.
1:45 – Mike is talking about an art teacher that he had and the weird stuff that he said and Erin, as usual, is on another planet. She has no idea what he’s talking about but she awkwardly pretends to.
2:00 – Then, from out of nowhere, Erin gives her high school art story. Hold on to your seats. It’s some riveting stuff. “My high school art teacher, she would just give us an assignment and it was very loose? And then she’d just let us do whatever we wanted? And it was good times? And then we’d talk about Conan O’Brien?”
IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. IT GOES NOWHERE. AND SHE USES THAT ANNOYING CALIFORNIA INFLECTION WHERE EVERYTHING IS A QUESTION.
Mike told a semi-interesting story about some weird shit that an art teacher did. The teacher would tell them to “use each colour more than once” to the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb. I’m not entirely sure what it means but it’s an example of some weird shit that a teacher did.
Erin told a story about NOTHING that went NOWHERE.
2:15 – “She’s be like, ‘Oh, did you see so and so on Conan?’ Because she knew what music I liked. And I’d be like, ‘Yeah.’ And she’d be like, ‘Oh, that was good’. And that was about it and she gave me an A.”
IT GOES NOWHERE! What a fucking terrible story-teller. She can’t even give an example of one of the performers. Because this is all made up. Erin’s teachers were not talking to her. Who would? Who would talk to this complete charisma blackhole? Even in her made up story, all that she contributed to the conversation was “Yeah”. I think more likely, Erin would have said, “That’s cool”.
Is a teacher going to go out of their way to engage with a dullard like this?
Teacher: So, I heard you like music.
Erin: Yeah.
Teacher: Did you see Conan O’Brien last night? Weezer on there.
Erin: That’s cool.
Teacher: Umm…yeah. So…here’s your “loose” assignment.
Fuck off. That didn’t happen. And if it did, what a terrible, awful, boring job that poor woman must have had. Trying to drag a conversation out of this idiot.
3:00 – Erin is playing now. Worst Palamedes gameplay ever recorded.
3:15 –
Erin: You know that portrait that I made of Jack White that my mom has framed in our house?
Mike: (totally disinterested) Uh huh.
Erin: People used to laugh in high school when they’d come over. They’d go, “Yeah, I like Erin’s house because there’s a framed photo of Jack White in her family’s living room.”
THAT’S THE STORY! IT GOES NOWHERE!
This is fucking unbelievable. How does Mike do it? It’s like she got a fucking lobotomy.
I’ll tell you what this is like. This is like talking to James “Seven and a Half Years in Special Education” Rolfe. So Mike has the experience. He has experience dealing with retards. So to him, this is just another day at the office. His life is dealing with retards. He’s made a living out of doing it.
Erin drew a picture of Jack White in high school. Her friends enjoyed going to Erin’s house because of this picture.
Tell me that any of this rings at all true. “Boy, we all love going to Erin’s house because of that picture that she drew.” It’s insanity. This is retard talk.
3:30 – “My mom’s like, ‘I just like the colours. You did a good job.’”
The apple doesn’t fall far from the retarded tree. It seems that Erin’s mother is also a colour-obsessed, mentally-challenged imbecile. And again, the story goes NOWHERE.
How long is this video? THREE HOURS? I’m only three minutes in. Okay, I can’t keep commenting on every braindead thing that Erin says or we’ll never get through this.
“I should put that on Instagram and see if he’ll like it.”
Only if you include that absolutely fascinating story, Erin.
“Now I’m in that era of trying to get attention from celebrities I like on Instagram.”
And how is that going for you, Erin? Any interesting stories to share? OF COURSE NOT!
4:30 – Mike tells a story, obviously joking, about crying for nine months when Rue McClanahan. Erin clearly has NO IDEA who this is. She gives weird, generic questions like “When did that happen?” And then she awkwardly says, “Wow. I’m sorry that that happened.”
This is fucking horrible. She’s a moron. She has no idea what’s going on. She’s retarded. Go get her tested, Mike. This is not normal.
7:00 – “Want to hear something fucked up about my thoughts on Burger Time?”
No, Erin. I don’t give the slightest of fucks. Nor does Mike. He gave an exasperated response. He knows it’s not going to be funny. He knows it’s not going to make sense.
“I used to think that the NES port of Burger Time was worse than the Intellivision port.”
NOBODY CARES! THE STORY GOES NOWHERE!
7:45 –
Erin: For the home port, I guess this the best one out there?
Mike: For the home port?
Erin: I mean, I guess. What other ones are there?
Erin…if you don’t know what other ports there are, how could you possibly proffer an opinion on which one is best? Think. Before. You. Say. Every. Word. Don’t just try to lie your way through everything because it NEVER works. You’re an idiot. It takes some degree of intelligence to lie convincingly. You don’t have any intelligence.
8:30 –
Erin: Do you think McDonalds got their inspiration for the Big Mac from this? Because doesn’t it look like one?
Mike (blank stare, can’t believe the depths of this woman’s stupidty)
Erin: Which came first? I don’t know.
I’m going to say that the Big Mac was created in 1975. And Burger Time…1983.
Let’s look it up.
Big Mac: 1967
Burger Time: 1982
I’m going to try to get to 10 minutes and then turn this off.
9:15 – Then a horntard says that the Big Mac was from 1975. That was my guess as well. Is Wikipedia wrong?
I don’t think so. I’m not seeing 1975 anywhere.
9:45 – Mike asks Erin what she wants to play. Erin says Rampart. This is because a few minutes earlier, Mike suggested that they play Rampart.
She doesn’t have a single original thought in her empty head. She knows nothing about video games. She’s completely incapable of having a conversation. She’s awkward. She’s boring. She’s retarded. I’m done with this shit.
- “Been following both of you and James forever. Mike and I have the same demented brain/take on things. Just wanted to say I LOVE scatterbrained Erin! 😂The energy of this stream was great. One of you and Mike’s best streams imo.”
Here’s a guy who thinks it’s “cute” that Erin is dumb as a box of hammers and couldn’t have a conversation to save her life.
- “Guys. Why the flip are you not playing 2 player games? With each other. At the same time. Using two controllers.”
Here’s a guy asking the obvious questions. Because it would expose Erin as being unbelievably shit at video games. Not that single player games don’t also do that, but putting her head to head against somebody does know something about video games would really drive the point home.
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Building Your Community: Essential Tips for Success – Zap Cristal
EIGHTY-FIVE VIEWS after a WEEK! And this video is called, “Building Your Community: Essential Tips for Success”? Oh, the irony!
It’s a new low for her channel. She can’t even reach triple digits any more. Instead of “Viewers vs Community”, the thumbnail should say “Zap Cristal vs Viewers”. She’s gone to war with the people who go to her channel. “I don’t care how much you people hate the podcast and my new husband, I’m going to continue to cram this shit down your throat.”
Eighty-five views. Her channel has completely imploded.
Well, this woman did say that she was too hot to be an influencer. Maybe that’s the problem. She’s too damned hot and it’s turning off viewers.
Let’s see what this lazy soccer mom is wearing today.
Sweatpants and a Sailor Moon t-shirt. Yeah. I’m totally erect right now.
1:15 – This is the “Under the Spotlight” segment and some pointless graphic appears of curtains opening.
I think the spotlight is on Zap’s fat cunt. I don’t want to see this. Come on. I’m begging you to sit behind a desk or something. Or lose weight.
1:45 – “How to build a community. Now, it may sound simple.”
Zap, you have 85 views after a week. It is clearly not a simple task to build a community.
She should be doing a video about how to destroy a community. Because she’s definitely done that. Her videos from a year ago averaged about 3,000 views, I would say. They ranged from about 20,000 views to 1,000 views. Now she’s getting EIGHTY-FIVE.
2:00 – “It is a pretty meaty segment.”
It’s the second time she’s said this and I just keep focusing on her crotch fat. It’s gross. Come on.
2:15 – Mr Wright Way II kisses Zap’s giant ass and then poses the RIVETING question, “How would you define a community?”
“Webster’s dictionary defines it as….” NOBODY GIVES A SHIT. This shit is unwatchable.
3:15 – “‘Community’ for me was like building a tribe of sorts where this tribe offered me some kind of emotional support.”
This is brutal. Nobody gives a shit about your emotional support. And this was her inspiration for starting the channel? She’s admitting that it’s entirely for her own egotistical wishes.
4:15 – She talks about how she moved to Texas in 2018, from Puerto Rico, and not having family so she needed emotional support from random horny retards on Youtube. She says that she was learning new customs. She says that she was “Adapting to a new country.”
Moron…Puerto Rico is part of the US. You did not move to a new country.
I’m not saying that Puerto Rico is the same as Texas but what she’s saying is dangerous and perpetuating misinformation. You would think that somebody FROM Puerto Rico would realise that it’s a part of the US. That’s why she was able to move to Texas. She didn’t need a visa or anything. People from Puerto Rico are perfectly entitled to move to anywhere in the US, just like people from the US are perfectly entitled to move to Puerto Rico.
“Puerto Ricans have been U.S. citizens since 1917.”
Right there on Wikipedia.
5:00 – “As an influencer…”
Who are you influencing? The 85 horny, retarded black men who are watching this?
“If you really do care about your people…and it’s not just the number.”
The number, in case anybody missed it, is EIGHTY-FIVE!
6:00 – Mr Wright Way II says, “For me, as a musician, a community just means a group of people who enjoy the music.”
Who? Who are these people enjoying Mr Wright Way II’s music? Zap doesn’t even link to this guy’s channel.
I have to search my own archives to find this guy’s channel.
Here’s his latest video:
In the official music video, it’s Zap “Too Hot to be an Influencer” Cristal in her Strawberry Shortcake sweatpants and sweatshirt, pretending to scroll through pictures of each other.
She couldn’t even…I mean, she’s so corpulent now that the only thing she CAN wear are sweatpants.
That video got 61 views after three days. He’s doing about as well as Zap is doing now. And it’s not that he’s gone up to her level, it’s that he brought her down to his level.
6:15 – Mr Wright Way II talks about the importance of giving your community a name. “Like for you, it’s the Zap Squad. For me, I created the term Master Sword Music Family or my Master Sword Music Peeps.”
Uh huh. Catchy. But again, there is no fucking “community”. This is all in their minds. This is all for their own ego.
I remember when Metal Jesus was releasing some coins that said “Metal Jesus Militia” as part of some Patreon bonus and people were really pissed off. “I’m not in a the Metal Jesus Militia. I just watch your videos.”
Like we’re supposed to devote our lives to Metal Jesus just because we’re subscribed to the channel. I don’t even like the fucking videos. Relax. I’m not going to take a bullet for you, you unemployed dope.
And this was somebody who had hundreds of thousands of subscribers. Zap Cristal has 6,000. And of those 6,000, EIGHTY FIVE are watching her current videos.
7:45 – Zap says, “In order to build a community, you have to be somebody in that space.”
Yeah. EIGHTY-FIVE VIEWS, Zap. Aren’t you getting it? You’re a total nobody in terms of Youtube.
9:00 – Mr Wright Way II says, “How did you go about building your community, once you’ve established yourself?”
Zap gives a blank stare and then says, “Ummm…well, at the beginning, when I was still a smaller content creator…”
EIGHTY-FIVE VIEWS, ZAP. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? IT DOESN’T GET MUCH SMALLER THAN THIS.
She says “closiveness.” Eugh. She also pronounces “other” as “udder.” And I believe that she had a unique way of pronouncing “et cetera”. “Shamously” for “shamelessly”. God. This is one remarkably stupid woman.
10:30 – Shout out to 8-Bit Eric.
I have to turn this off. It’s unwatchable. She’s saying nothing. And whatever she is saying is delusional and full of grade school level pronunciation problems.
Complete insanity. It’s a fat, crazy woman sitting on a couch with her latest black unemployed husband while wearing sweatpants. Too hot to be an influencer? There is no influencing being done. She should be doing a video on how to destroy a community.
She had a tiny following, people watched her videos where she reviewed cheap Switch games or whatever, and she totally destroyed it by gaining 75 pounds, marrying a different black man than the black man they were used to, and creating the world’s worst podcast. That’s what happened here.
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Pelvic Gaming Has Been Studying Japanese for a Year
Good for her. You’re a real weeb.
She’s using Duolingo. I’ve been using Duolingo as well, for about two years, to learn German. I’m not saying that I’m fluent or anything but I can try a little something.
Wie geht’s, PVC Bondage Guy? Du bist eine nette und klug Frau (Mann? Nein.) aber dein Kopf ist kaputt. Gehen Sie in ein Krankenhouse. Schnell. Und fick Newt Wallen und seine kleine Wurst.
But yeah, Japanese. Pretty lame. “Wow, now I can read all of that manga and video games and understand that anime.”
Why this? Pelvic Gamer is all about her African heritage. Why not the Swahili course on Duo Lingo? Or Zulu?
Let me look these up.
“Swahili is the most widely spoken African Language in Sub-Saharan Africa. It is the national language of Tanzania and Kenya, and is also spoken widely in Uganda, Rwanda, Burundi, Democratic Republic of Congo and the Comoros.”
Neat. You learn stuff.
What about Zulu? I wasn’t even aware that this was a language. I mostly know about Zulu from Civilization.
“It is the language of the Zulu people, with about 12 million native speakers, who primarily inhabit the province of KwaZulu-Natal in South Africa. Zulu is the most widely spoken home language in South Africa (24% of the population), and it is understood by over 50% of its population.”
Oh. I imagined the Zulu people of the 19th century or whenever Shaka was around to live in central Africa. My mind is like a sponge soaking up all of this knowledge today.
What was that movie about that war between the British and the Zulu that was basically just one long war scene?
Oh, Zulu. That makes sense. 1964. Did it take place in South Africa? Oh. It did. I think that I got the DVD from some newspaper. In the mid to late 2000s, newspapers in the UK were so desperate to get people to buy the product that they put DVDs in them. Maybe it was Zulu Dawn that I got. In any event, it was just one long battle scene.
What about learning Spanish? Wouldn’t that be more useful for Pelvic Gamer? She lives in Florida. Large Hispanic population. Also, Spanish is presumably much easier to learn than Japanese. Same alphabet, for one thing.
I took Spanish classes for two years in college. I had no fucking idea what was going on. I never read the textbook. I just expected things to magically work out.
So the professor was constantly talking about the “yo” form or the “tu” form or the “nosostros” form or whatever and I had absolutely no clue what she was talking about. I didn’t know what these words were. And this was something that was covered on like the first page of the book.
German has that same bullshit. All of the Romance languages do. Different verb forms or whatever based on whether you’re talking about “I” or “You” or “They”. Fuck all that shit.
I also don’t like when the words are re-arranged. The verb has to go at the end of the sentence. Except when it doesn’t.
Also “masculine” and “feminine” words. You have to know when to use “El” or “La”, for example. And German has three of them: “Die”, “Das”, and “Der”. Three “genders”, effectively. Some weirdo PVC Bondage Guy shit. Maybe that’s what attracted her to the language.
Anyway, I found a professor who passed everybody, regardless of how little they knew about the language. Some gay guy. If it weren’t for that guy, I’d still be in college.
I still remember that guy’s name. I looked him up before. Right before he started teaching at my college, he was fired from a school for some bullshit. He showed a movie that had brief nudity, it was a children’s film, I think from Cuba where views on nudity are apparently different, he fast-forwarded through the parts that had nudity, but some little shit still complained about him.
I remember watching Romeo and Juliet in like the 10th grade and the fucking teacher fast-forwarded through that two seconds of boob. I nearly raised a complaint that she fast-forwarded past that part. I could not imagine going home and saying, “Oh, I’m so traumatized by this boob that I saw at school. Please get this teacher fired and alert the local media about this.”
Anyway, this guy must be dead by now. Let’s see…yeah, he’d be nearly 80 now. He apparently spoke numerous languages and was an intelligent guy. Imagine this being your legacy. Showing a film with a hint of a boob and getting fired for it.
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Mike Matei Talking About Star Trek While Streaming for Seven Hours
3:23:00 – Mike talks about his fondness for Bozo, as performed by Bob Bell. I’ve talked about this before. It’s bullshit. There is NO WAY that Mike remembers this. Bob Bell retired in 1984. Mike was born in 1980. I talked about this extensively here:
Now the Star Trek talk.
4:15:00 – Somebody in the chat makes the observation that the characters on Star Trek tend to be unmarried. Mike takes great offense to this and starts talking about anciliary characters who are married and single episodes where characters almost get married.
Hey…dumbass. You want to relax and think about this for two seconds?
Star Trek. Focusing only on the 79 episodes of the original series.
- Kirk (unmarried)
- Spock (unmarried)
- McCoy (unmarried)
- Scotty (unmarried)
- Uhura (unmarried)
- Sulu (unmarried)
- Chekov (unmarried)
Done. Entire cast unmarried. We’re not talking about the later seasons of Voyager or whatever where Worf married Dax or something. We’re not looking at the episode where Spock almost got married. We’re looking at the original fucking series. Every character unmarried. Can you not accept that?
It was a show about military men in space. So it makes sense that they were unmarried but it’s still a little weird when you think about it. The guy made a perfectly valid observation, it was interesting, and yet Mike felt the need to nerd it up totally unnecessarily. “What are you talking about? Picard used to be married!” We’re not talking about Picard’s past. We’re talking about the characters as they appeared on the show, at the time.
Let’s look at Next Generation. Again, just the series. Just up until season five or whenever I stopped watching.
- Picard (unmarried)
- Riker (unmarried)
- Geordi (unmarried)
- Tasha Yar (unmarried)
- Worf (unmarried)
- Dr Crusher (unmarried)
- Troi (unmarried)
- Data (unmarried)
- Wesley Crusher (unmarried)
Am I wrong? These are the main characters according to Wikipedia. Is there some minor character who’s marrried? Did O’Brien and Keiko get married at some point? I think so. But minor characters and I don’t think that they were married when the show started. I don’t think that the characters were even introduced until at least season two. O’Brien was just the fucking transporter guy. I don’t think that he any lines for years. And I think Keiko came later solely to play his wife.
So once again, the entire major cast of the show is unmarried. It’s weird. That’s all anyone was saying. Why did Mike find this personally offensive?
4:28:30 – Mike starts talking about Star Trek porn. He knows that Next Generation porn exists but is unaware of porn for the original series.
“I don’t know if they ever did original Star Trek, if like Kirk and Spock…like I never saw if that exists. I’m sure it does but I know that Star Trek: The Next Generation porn exists.”
This guy considers himself an expert on Star Trek and doesn’t even know about the trilogy of adult videos series called Sex Trek, which is based on the original series? Randy Spears as Captain Quirk? Mike Horner as Mr Sperm? Joey Silvera as Doctor Boner?
I have to say that the original was disappointing but much of the original cast returned (at least the male cast) for Star Trek II: The Search for Sperm. I didn’t much care for this one either. Mimi Miyagi is in it but this was way before she got her boob job.
The planets were aligned when they made Sex Trek III: The Wrath of Bob, though. Same excellent male cast but gone were the terrible actresses who played Lt Uwhore in their non-sex roles. They got Dominique Simone for this one. What brilliant casting. And she’s there getting fucked in two scenes, if memory serves, which was the style at the time.
The first Sex Trek was released in 1990, with the sequel in 1991 and the finale in 1992. I distinctly remember watching the Wrath of Bob on the Spice Channel. It was inspired. And I sought it out on the internet once streaming porn became a thing. Indeed, I have a copy of it on my computer so I must have got it back in Kazaa days.
Dominique Simone was also in a great bukkake movie. No, wait. That wasn’t her. Who am I thinking of? Oh, Sierra.
But back to Sex Trek, the movies are well done, by early 1990s porn standards. They had special effects. The Enterprise looks like a breast. There’s a story of sorts. And it kind of follows the movies. Search for Sperm/Search for Spock. Wrath of Bob/Wrath of Khan. Although, I think the order is reversed. Randy Spears is particularly good as Kirk, adopting Shatner’s stilted speech.
They could have done a lot better, though. Hiring better looking women, for example. Dominique Simone is the only thing that saves the third movie. The rest of the women are just random flat-chested aliens. I mean, come on. You couldn’t do something better than that?
Uwhore getting fucked, that’s obvious and I’m shocked that it wasn’t until the third movie that they figured this out. But what about, I don’t know, having Christine Chapel as a character? I know it’s a pretty obscure character but it’s better than random aliens with a flimsy backstory just getting beamed in for some reason.
I know it’s difficult to make a porn when most of the characters from the source material are men but…the aliens sucked dick and not in a good way . They could have done something interesting. These were just women with glitter makeup. That’s not an alien. What about a sexy gorn? Or Klingons? There were no fucking Klingons, as far as I recall. And since this is based on the original series, you woudn’t even have to do much in terms of makeup. Just get an Asian woman.
Anyway, Mike, the ultimate Star Trek aficionado, never heard of any of this. Apparently, he’s familiar with Star Trek The Next Generation: A XXX Parody (2011). I never saw that. Never even heard of it until I looked it up just now. But Mike was apparently jerking off to Star Trek porn as recently as 2011.
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SWAMP ZOMBIES 2: Commentary track – Newt Wallen
He’s doing some kind of RiffTrax thing. I guess that he’s going to deliver the commentary over the movie. But you have to find the movie yourself and try to marry this up.
I think that I found the movie here:
https://ok.ru/video/1982438967889
I suspect that I’m quickly going to get things out of sync but who really cares? I’m not going to watch this fucking 72 minute piece of shit anyway. I just did a quick skim and Horseface is in it and Sheriff Lobo or whatever the fuck that guy’s name was. So we’ve got some real superstars in the entertainment industry here.
1:15 – “Great way to start the movie. You’ve got pierced boobs and blue hair…”
I’m already bored with this. 72 minutes of tits and gore? Newt, I’ve got other stuff that I could be doing. I don’t give a shit about this.
If you’re watching the video, there’s a shocking bad fight scene at about 1.15 from somebody who Newt describes as a former Playboy playmate. This woman has clearly never thrown a kick or a punch in her life.
Video 3:15 – More shockingly bad fight scenes but this time from men. And it’s just the choreography that’s terrible. They’re throwing like roundhouse kicks and blocking them with roundhouse kicks. This isn’t how any fight has ever gone down. It’s not even physically possible for this to happen. And this is a prison fight? People in prison exchange awkward roundhouse kicks?
5:15 – Newt says that the actor (or somebody) wasn’t happy with the fight scenes in that prison. I can see why. People get thrown into walls despite the fact that the kick sent them in a different direction. The fights were almost all kicks. Bad kicks. Kicks from angles that don’t make sense. And it ended with a terrible…some kind of dual split kick that nobody on earth has ever used in a real fight, certainly not in a prison, and the guy who delivered the kick did so really poorly.
8:30 – Newt says that he “put $3000” into this “movie”. He, rightly, doesn’t even say “invested”. He just “put it” into the “movie”. He might as well have put that $3000 into the toilet. Same return.
10:15 – Newt says that the name “Schlock and Awe Films” came about from his “partnership” with his “former girlfriend Crystal Quin”. I’ll just move on.
Video 10:15 – Written by Newt Wallen. And there’s a picture of him. Newt says that he only wrote 60 pages and it was cobbled together from various abandoned pieces of shit.
11:15 – Christie Berger was also in this. Newt says, “I miss her so fucking much.” This is the woman who died of cancer and Newt made a series of videos talking about much he enjoyed fucking her up the ass.
15:45 – Kieran worked on this film in some capacity. Newt just kind of glosses over this. Kieran had negative things to say about Newt from that whole plagiarism thing.
Video 18:30 – Newt says that this woman has big boobs. Umm…maybe my idea of big boobs has been warped by 1990s big bust porn stars like Minka or Lisa Lipps or Honey Mellons but…no.
Video 22:00 – Newt describes this as “the weird sex scene”. Well, maybe she does have big boobs.
You guys like tits, right? And gore? Well, strap in. This is what Newt provides. In the one movie that he had some involvement in. And nobody has ever watched. And can only be found on some weird Russian website.
Video 25:00 – More shockingly bad fight scenes. Look, if you don’t have anybody who can do the moves and you don’t have a decent fight choreographer, have the characters resolve their differences in some other way. Because this is bad. REALLY bad.
Video 28:30 – Some fat guy who was one of Newt’s employees at the movie theater is being disemboweled and Newt says that Joe from Movie Dumpster did the effects. I think this is the guy who isn’t the faggot moderator on Reddit.
Video 27:15 – PVC Bondage Guy appears as a green haired zombie, “With her titty out.”
I have to say that I missed the “titty” and I’m not going to rewind and I’m not interested.
Video 28:15 – Newt is in the movie along with Justin Daniels…I think this is some guy who was on Pegwarmers. He had a beard and had a wife who talked about My Little Pony. They were all pretty weird. I might be the only one who gets these Pegwarmers references.
Video 30:15 – Horseface.
31:15 – “I wrote the kiss in just to see if she would do it because her boyfriend at the time was there.”
Newt boasting about being a creepy scumbag.
31:30 – “She may hate my guts and tell me that she wishes that she never met me but very, very good actress.”
Umm…I have the sound off in the video and I’m not going to rewind but I am quite confident that Horseface is not a good actress.
31:45 – Newt describes the kiss as “awkward” and then says, “I took her virginity. She has nothing to say.”
More creepy bullshit from the Ideas Man.
43:00 – Newt says that a lot of people didn’t show up for the movie so the people who did show up had to play multiple roles. He continues that there was supposed to be a lot more “T&A” in the movie. He’s talked about his disappointment in this before. He’s a complete piece of shit. With no talent whatsoever.
Video 46:15 – PVC Bondage Guy with his breasts out again. I guess. I missed it again. I’m watching in this tiny player. I’ll just rewind. It’s going to make this all out of sync but who cares? I think I’m done watching this shit anyway.
Even full screen it’s tough to see anything. I mean…you can jerk off to that if you’re so inclined but…I’m not so inclined.
52:00 – Newt says that Florida Man Saves Christmas is based on this fat bearded guy who was on some Pegwarmers videos.
Video 53:00 – Horseface in her underpants. Eugh. And Newt is talking about how he intentionally wrote this scene to see Horseface in her underpants.
54:30 – “But yeah, we get an attractive actress in a red bra.”
Who? Horseface? No, Newt. Get your fucking eyes checked.
By the way, at about 58:00 in the Youtube video, Newt gets a phone call so pauses the video and then everything gets out of sync. His words aren’t matching his mouth moving.
1:01:00 – Newt says that they’re just making it up as they go now. For the ending. They didn’t bother writing a proper ending so it’s just ad-libbed. Poorly, presumably.
I’m stopping the video. I’m stopping the movie at 1:02:00. I know it’s almost finished but I can’t fucking do this. This thing literally gave me diarrhoea. I have to go defecate. And I don’t want to come back and watch even one more second of this complete and utter trash.
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John Riggs Really Enjoys Musical Theatre
“I’m a huge fan of musicals and looking forward to Wicked, but hoping it’s not like Rent where half the songs were just spoken.”
Uh huh. Musical theatre, you say. About The Wizard of Oz even. He’s a real friend of Dorothy.
I saw Wicked twice. This was in London, years ago. I took some Asian skank who I don’t even remember who it was now. And then I went when I had family visiting.
The main thing I remember is the giant tits of the woman who played…I don’t know, one of the witches. I scanned the programme that had a picture of her on it but I can’t find it.
But yeah, I went to the theatre a lot when Iw as living in London. I was trying to impress the ladies with how cultured I was. But I fucking hated it. The fucking faggots working there who give you attitude. They don’t like seeing heterosexual couples. The high price of this shit. The fact that 90% of the audience is over the age of 65. The pretentiousness of it all.
It’s just buffoons prancing around and embarrassing themselves. I wasn’t enriched by watching this. I don’t think that it made me a better person.
In the 12th grade, I was taking a class with a 9th grader. It was like an architecture class. Anybody could take it. All grades. Wasn’t much demand for this class so they just put everybody together.
And one of the kids was a real nerd. Well, all of the ninth graders were pretty nerdy. They mostly kept to themselves. There were about three of them.
Then one day, I’m at some talent show or something and one of these kids gets on stage on starts singing Swinging on a Star. As he’s singing about carrying moonbeams home in a jar, I’m thinking, “What the fuck? Is this really happening? This kid just bought four years of abuse.”
But the next day in that class, everybody was congratulating him and talking about how awesome it was. Even the black 12th grader was all like, “Yo, yo, yo. Mad props to you, bro. So do you want to be a mule or what?”
Then the teacher comes in. The teacher was some old, gruff guy. And he’s laughing and joking with this guy over this humiliating performance where this kid was singing in falsetto about the various animals that he wants to be.
I couldn’t fucking believe it. But good for him. I’m glad everything worked out. The guy took a chance and it paid off. I guarantee that that guy is getting fucked in the ass now, though.
What else…musical theatre…oh, I worked with a horrible woman who claimed to be an “actor”. Every day she would come into work and remind everybody, loudly and repeatedly, that she’s an actor. She never said “actress”. She always used the PC term of “actor”. Around 2010, “actress” started to become a sexist term for whatever reason so everybody was just an “actor”, regardless of gender.
So she’d come in and say, “I’m an actor. I do (whatever) because I’m an actor. And I do (whatever else) because I’m an actor.” She’d use a lot of profanity and say, “I use a lot of profanity because I’m an actor.” Shit like this. It was fucking infuriating. I could not fucking stand it. She was horrible. She was the obnoxious person I’ve ever encountered.
And she wasn’t a fucking actor. If she was an actor, she wouldn’t be working here. She would do some Snow White play during the Christmas period. For whatever reason, Snow White plays are popular in the UK during Christmas. They’re for children. Children go to these things. And she had some small role in one of the many productions of Snow White that get performed throughout the country.
I could not listen to that woman any more. Every fucking day. She was so fucking loud. And we’re all trying to do work. She was just constantly talking about herself and how awesome she is with some of the impressionable young women who worked there.
So I told the women who owned the company that they either separate me from this woman or I’m quitting. There were numerous complaints about this woman, by the way. She was totally unprofessional. But one of the women who owned the company did some community theatre type thing and was enamoured with this woman so refused to fire her.
They did separate us, though. We would go to different venues. So I didn’t have to be in the same building as her. For the most part. Whenever they did put us together, I was sure to raise a stink.
God, I forgot her name. I used to know it and I’d be able to look her up on IMDB. She had a tiny role in something, years ago. She’s an actor.
Oh, I remember it now.
I found her Twitter. First word in the description is “Actor”.
She hasn’t tweeted in years.
Handful of followers.
She has four credits on IMDB. One was a short film. A student film, presumably. Her last role was a few years ago, an appearance on an episode of a tv show.
Her headshots are all over the place. She’s not even an attractive woman.
Oh, I found her “management company.” She’s more active on the stage. “Person number 7” and “Company” type roles. One every year or two.
Anyway, fuck that bitch. And fuck John Riggs.