John Riggs Really Enjoys Musical Theatre

“I’m a huge fan of musicals and looking forward to Wicked, but hoping it’s not like Rent where half the songs were just spoken.”

Uh huh. Musical theatre, you say. About The Wizard of Oz even. He’s a real friend of Dorothy.

I saw Wicked twice. This was in London, years ago. I took some Asian skank who I don’t even remember who it was now. And then I went when I had family visiting.

The main thing I remember is the giant tits of the woman who played…I don’t know, one of the witches. I scanned the programme that had a picture of her on it but I can’t find it.

But yeah, I went to the theatre a lot when Iw as living in London. I was trying to impress the ladies with how cultured I was. But I fucking hated it. The fucking faggots working there who give you attitude. They don’t like seeing heterosexual couples. The high price of this shit. The fact that 90% of the audience is over the age of 65. The pretentiousness of it all.

It’s just buffoons prancing around and embarrassing themselves. I wasn’t enriched by watching this. I don’t think that it made me a better person.

In the 12th grade, I was taking a class with a 9th grader. It was like an architecture class. Anybody could take it. All grades. Wasn’t much demand for this class so they just put everybody together.

And one of the kids was a real nerd. Well, all of the ninth graders were pretty nerdy. They mostly kept to themselves. There were about three of them.

Then one day, I’m at some talent show or something and one of these kids gets on stage on starts singing Swinging on a Star. As he’s singing about carrying moonbeams home in a jar, I’m thinking, “What the fuck? Is this really happening? This kid just bought four years of abuse.”

But the next day in that class, everybody was congratulating him and talking about how awesome it was. Even the black 12th grader was all like, “Yo, yo, yo. Mad props to you, bro. So do you want to be a mule or what?”

Then the teacher comes in. The teacher was some old, gruff guy. And he’s laughing and joking with this guy over this humiliating performance where this kid was singing in falsetto about the various animals that he wants to be.

I couldn’t fucking believe it. But good for him. I’m glad everything worked out. The guy took a chance and it paid off. I guarantee that that guy is getting fucked in the ass now, though.

What else…musical theatre…oh, I worked with a horrible woman who claimed to be an “actor”. Every day she would come into work and remind everybody, loudly and repeatedly, that she’s an actor. She never said “actress”. She always used the PC term of “actor”. Around 2010, “actress” started to become a sexist term for whatever reason so everybody was just an “actor”, regardless of gender.

So she’d come in and say, “I’m an actor. I do (whatever) because I’m an actor. And I do (whatever else) because I’m an actor.” She’d use a lot of profanity and say, “I use a lot of profanity because I’m an actor.” Shit like this. It was fucking infuriating. I could not fucking stand it. She was horrible. She was the obnoxious person I’ve ever encountered.

And she wasn’t a fucking actor. If she was an actor, she wouldn’t be working here. She would do some Snow White play during the Christmas period. For whatever reason, Snow White plays are popular in the UK during Christmas. They’re for children. Children go to these things. And she had some small role in one of the many productions of Snow White that get performed throughout the country.

I could not listen to that woman any more. Every fucking day. She was so fucking loud. And we’re all trying to do work. She was just constantly talking about herself and how awesome she is with some of the impressionable young women who worked there.

So I told the women who owned the company that they either separate me from this woman or I’m quitting. There were numerous complaints about this woman, by the way. She was totally unprofessional. But one of the women who owned the company did some community theatre type thing and was enamoured with this woman so refused to fire her.

They did separate us, though. We would go to different venues. So I didn’t have to be in the same building as her. For the most part. Whenever they did put us together, I was sure to raise a stink.

God, I forgot her name. I used to know it and I’d be able to look her up on IMDB. She had a tiny role in something, years ago. She’s an actor.

Oh, I remember it now.

I found her Twitter. First word in the description is “Actor”.

She hasn’t tweeted in years.

Handful of followers.

She has four credits on IMDB. One was a short film. A student film, presumably. Her last role was a few years ago, an appearance on an episode of a tv show.

Her headshots are all over the place. She’s not even an attractive woman.

Oh, I found her “management company.” She’s more active on the stage. “Person number 7” and “Company” type roles. One every year or two.

Anyway, fuck that bitch. And fuck John Riggs.

6 thoughts on “John Riggs Really Enjoys Musical Theatre

  1. I do like musicals. I go to broadway quite often to catch a few plays (well, “often” meaning like twice a year, given that I live in Mexico). Yeah, most of the audience are gays.

    One of the richest men in the world is Mexican and lives in Mexico City. He likes musical plays too and he built a broadway-like theater in there. Top of the line, direct-from-broadway plays all year long. Expensive as shit.

    Las year I went to this theater for the play “Aladdin”. Tickets were over 400 usd each and the acting was shit. Worst play I’ve seen, including those from school. Poor performance, all rushed up and the play itself sucks. The music was great though.

    Other plays I’ve seen there are Lion King and Wicked. Those were ok but not nearly as good as those on the States.

    The theatre is fully booked all the time. That’s why he is one of the richest people on earth.

    1. $400? For Aladdin? I wouldn’t want to see that for free.

      I preferred going to the legitimate theatre, not this big budget corporate stuff. I saw Glengary Glen Ross, for example, and that was good. They were English guys but they were putting on American accents. One guy was really good, another guy slipped in and out.

      But yeah, there’s nothing that I would pay $400 to see.

  2. I never laughed so hard trying to imagine this story! But it is true. One misstep at school and it can ruin your slide and haunt you for eternity. Only graduation is the escape and even after that people won’t forget you.

    1. This wasn’t even a spur of the moment thing. He obviously practiced this. He went to rehearsals. I have no idea what the thought process was behind this.

      His is the only performance that I remember from that talent show. He just went up, by himself, and sang this Bing Crosby hit from the 1940s.

  3. I did theater in high school. my best friend got in trouble for something and so his mother forced him to try out for a play. he asked me to try out with him so he didn’t have to go alone or whatever. we tried to fuck our auditions up and ended up getting the lead roles. we were both pissed. but no where near as pissed as the fags who were really into that shit and horrified the two beavis & butthead impersonators DARED to come into their gay club and get roles they wanted and we weren’t even thankful.

    of course we weren’t thankful, we were only there because my buddy got caught smoking weed on his back porch at night or something. anyways it was okay, we both stuck with it the rest of school because it was an easy ass class to take, and luckily the part of the year where they did a musical and not a normal play was during football season so we got out of doing the musicals because we were already on the team so we essentially didn’t have to do anything during the musicals and got a free hour a day.

    Honestly the biggest appeal was that the theater kids were so fucking weird and they were kind of fun to fuck with by just existing. they took it so seriously like they were working for Shakespeare or something not some fat multiple divorcee red head woman who had no option but be a schoolteacher. those kids hated us. something about normal teenagers with friends who got good grades but still had fun or goofed off is the worst type of person to these people. just by the fact we didn’t treat a school play as a serious job and got these roles these fucking freaks coveted so intensely was worth having to memorize lines or whatever. I think one or both of us was the lead in every regular play we did all 4 years and we never gave a shit and I still laugh thinking about the insane contempt some of these people had for me.

    1. none of this story is really relevant I just was thinking about weird theater freaks and laughing about it. there was this one girl who was the most obnoxious person ever who was always too animated and irritating. I unfortunately got paired up as her love interest almost every fucking show and she was so annoying. I ran into her twice after high school. Once a year or two after graduation where she told me she was moving somewhere to continue pursuing acting. which I thought, yeah good luck retard. and then once 5 years after that where she was pretending to be a fairy or something at a Renaissance fair. That is where her acting career led.

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