A chat with Schlock And Awe Films! – The Mummy and the Monkey

So we’ve got Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen being “interviewed” by some skank while he was at that nerd convention in Ohio. She has a small Youtube channel with her boyfriend or husband. The premise here is that the guy dresses up as an ape and the woman dresses up as a mummy prostitute. And they travel around the greater Cleveland area filming…the horror scene of Cleveland.

Before we get into the video, I’d like to peruse some of her other content.

This is her showing off some shit that she sold on Ebay. It all seems to be stuff that goes for about $20. Not worth it. But she mentions in this video that she used to have a store. Presumably some kind of antique shop.

It doesn’t even seem worth doing. Selling shit on Ebay for $20? Then Ebay takes their cut. And how much did this stuff cost her? Plus the hassle of posting all of this shit. Keeping records. For what? She might be making two bucks each off of this stuff.

So this is more of the same. She’s selling low-value items on Ebay.

But this one includes her fat husband. And this guy looks at least 20 years older than her. That really adds to the whole creep show vibes of all of this. He’s dressing as a gorilla, completely covered, including his face, and he’s making his wife go out there dressed as a whore mummy. Trying desperately to get some views. Make a few pennies. And none of it is working. Nobody is watching these videos.

7:45 – We see this guy. He’s talking about how he has covid. It’s the second time he got it. I suppose at his age, he should be concerned.

Are there no men in Cleveland? Why did she pick this guy? Maybe he has a 12 inch penis or something.

Speaking of which, let’s get to the giant dick that is Newt Wallen.

0:00 – “Hey groovy ghoulies.”

Eugh. Wait, this woman likes antiques. Maybe that’s the attraction to this guy. She’s going for retro men. Men who were popular in the 1970s.

And her name is Janet Decay. Probably a nom de plume.

Janet: I ran into B-movie extraordinaire…

Newt: Jack of all trades, king of none is what I like to say.

“Master of none”, Ideas Man.

Newt says, “I saw you guys walk by and I said, ‘I know them from the internet.'”

Oh, do tell, Newt. 4,700 subscribers to this creep show of a channel.

0:30 – Eugh. Then we get to see Madilynn aka Miss Crack Whore.

Janet: Ooh, the beautiful B-movie actress Madilynn.

Crack Whore: B-movies? Alright.

Newt: “B” for “boobs”.

Okay. First of all, Miss Crack Whore has been in ONE movie, as far as I’m aware. Some piece of shit that Newt had some involvement in. That nobody watched. And it would be a compliment to describe that utter dreck, made with a budget of zero, as a “B movie.”

But Miss Crack Whore took offence to that comment. She’s utterly repellent, not just physically but personality-wise.

And then Newt immediately with the stupid fucking, retarded, desperate, horny, unfunny comment about breasts. When am I supposed to be jerking off to any of this? Can we get some sort of prompt?

0:45 – Miss Crack Whore says, “XXX-Mas was actually my first feature film that I had a lead role in.”

How fucking delusional is this woman? Who would possibly describe a Newt Wallen production as a “feature film” and her role as “lead role”? This is absurd. These are on par with student films. Worse than that. At least with a student film, you might be working with somebody who has potential. This is pure trash with noted talentless nobody Newt Wallen. This isn’t some undiscovered genius. This is a guy who comes up with the world’s dumbest fucking ideas, stuff that a fifth grader would reject as too stupid, and inexplicably thinks that they’re good.

Shark Vampire. Sucks 2 Suck. Slut Cheerleaders from Space. Amityville Whores. It’s the same fucking shit over and over and over again. And none of it is good. None of it is clever. None of it is funny.

He recently posted on Twitter about shitting out a Popeye script now that Popeye is in the public domain. He’s entirely incapable of coming up with anything original. He can only plagiarise.

And it’s never even anything remotely interesting. This Popeye script is just Popeye chasing a naked Olive Oyl for 60 pages. It’s shit. Every page is just a stage direction detailing where the camera should be in relation to Olive Oyl’s exposed tits.

1:00 – The name of some “film” that they’re apparently doing gets censored out. I don’t know why. It was either vulgar or they’re really concerned that somebody is going to steal their idiotic title and/or premise.

1:15 – Newt says, “Vanpire is happening. Jawsferatsu is happening. Basically what it is if you show up to something or you’re in my vicinity, you wind up in my movie.”

This is what happens when you get two total narcissists together. Miss Crack Whore wants to present herself as some great, famous actress. But Newt, who wants to present himself as a Hollywood bigshot, downplays her role in any of this and bigs himself up. “She’s nothing. Anybody can be in one of my movies. All you have to do is pretend to be my friend. What about you, Whore Mummy? You want to drop that 50 year old and get some fresh 40 year old meat?”

1:45 – After Whore Mummy gets creeped out, she references the Shark Vampire puppet. Newt says that this is his next big project.

Newt says that Shark Vampire is basically some other film crossed with some other film. That’s what he always says. No original ideas from this buffoon. 100% plagiarism. And then says that movie is “Dracula with a shark head.” Whore Mummy is clearly unimpressed, as every human being on the planet would be.

2:30 – Newt actually advertises the live streams that he does on his channel. You know…those creepy five hour livestreams with PVC Bondage Guy and whatever homeless drifter she manages to pick up off the street.

Newt also shows Florida Man Saves Christmas. This has been delayed by many years. He says it will be out “June/July” Just list all of the months, Newt. Cover all of your bases. It’s not going to be released at all.

Then he says that he made 250 “ashcans”. I descibed these comics as “ashcans” recently as a joke. I’ve never heard Newt say this. But now he’s using this term.

Whore Mummy says, “Everybody loves to make fun of Florida Man. It’s like a thing.”

Yeah. Exactly. It’s an existing thing. Newt refuses to even try to come up with anything original.

I’ve been thinking. Newt got fired from Screenwave for gross unprofessionalism. He was too unprofessional for SCREENWAVE MEDIA. The place where the owner dresses like a lady, their biggest client is a mentally retarded scat fetishist, the co-host on Talking About Games is showing his cock, and their three most well-known employees are constantly in a competition to see who can be the most incompetent, offensive, and off-putting. Ryan Schott, while wearing a miniskirt and too much makeup, said to Newt Wallen, “I don’t think that this is going to work out. We have a certain image to maintain.”

3:00 – So then Newt describes Florida as “America’s wang” which is not only a joke that’s he’s stolen (of course) but it’s a stolen joke that he’s repeated probably HUNDREDS of times.

3:15 – “I call it ‘God’s Waiting Room’ because everybody just moves there waiting to die.”

Oh. Do you, Newt? You came up with that one all by yourself, didn’t you? No, of course not. I’ve heard this many times.

Let’s actually look this up.


Family Guy. He stole it from Family Guy. I was thinking The Simpsons. But yeah. Family Guy.

Did you think we wouldn’t know, Newt? It’s not exactly an obscure show.

Every single thing that this guy says is plagiarised.

And wait a minute. Isn’t that “America’s wang” thing from The Simpsons? Yeah. God. Newt, fuck off.

3:15 – Then Miss Crack Whore, in response to Newt saying that people in Florida are waiting to die, says, “By alligator, by meth.”

No, Miss Crack Whore. That’s not the joke. The joke is that Florida has a large population of elderly people. She didn’t get it. She’s an idiot. But she did mention meth so…shout out to Miss Crack Whore’s second favourite illicit drug.

Then the video ends with Newt creeping on Whore Mummy some more, Whore Mummy continuing to find Newt to be talentless and creepy, and it cuts off with Miss Crack Whore in mid-sentence. Great stuff. Just don’t even bother to include whatever self-obsessed comment that drug-addled moron wanted to spew.

7 thoughts on “A chat with Schlock And Awe Films! – The Mummy and the Monkey

  1. That guy looks like a total faggot. He should be lucky to have her for a beard. Newt. Ah just fuck him. Popeye: an XXX Parody. I can’t fucking wait. Popeye and Bluto spit roasting Olive Oyl. Then he can say “well blow me down…. There!” Then give that laugh when he sprays her face. A gugguguggagug!! Hey maybe Dave Coulier can star? What’s he up to these days?

    1. I was reading something recently about Dave Coulier about how his dog tore up that Woodchuck puppet from Full House. What a loss to television history.

      That guy was never funny in anything. “Cut it out”? Scooby-Doo impressions? What am I? Fucking eight years old?

      1. I could cut some slack saying that on tv it’s different. It has to be a clean act but that was his routine I guess. Bob Saget was notoriously filthy by comparison. I wonder if they ever talked about that contrast.

  2. Newt says, “Vanpire is happening. Jawsferatsu is happening.”

    Lies. It will join the ranks of River Mummies, Planet Frankenstein and the other projects gone to the wayside.

  3. The fact that Newt believes that trashy whore is actually his friend is beyond insane. She has such a gross and money hungry personality along with this sense of entitlement like she is an amazing actress and model that happens to do sex work that is empowering. Every video she only cares about promoting her filth or donations. Newt even pathetically tried to tell her its about community and not money on his streams and she didn’t like that. Besides paying her for sex what is he getting out of this? he already manipulated PVC Bondage guy to have sex with him whenever he wants, but he seems not really interested in him like this nasty whore. Must be the red hair….

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