Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4G7Gwvk6DE

Odd description:

“Originally I thought I was going to do a video on the NES version of Paperboy 2, so Mike and I decided to stream it last week!”

She’s straight up telling you that she’s only playing this thing, on stream, for money, because she plans to do a Youtube video of it.  

0:00 – “We’re going to be practicing some Paperboy 2 on the NES and maybe go on to Paperboy 2 on the Super Nintendo because I want to do a video on this but I want to get some more practice so that’s what we’re going to do.”

Yeah.  Again, she’s saying that she’s only playing this because she plans to do a video on it.

I’ve been saying for years that Erin should say this.  And…I appreciate the new found candour but it doesn’t seem to go far enough.  I think that the issue is that she doesn’t say in the Youtube videos that she only played the game recently, for the first time ever, on stream, for money.

But anyway, she wants more practice at the game.  So naturally, it has to be done on stream, for money.

“We both really like this game.”

So much so that Erin flat out refuses to play the game unless she’s getting paid.

0:15 – Mike is talking about how he played the arcade game at Funspot in New Hampshire.  Erin says, “I’m jealous.”

Uhhh…yeah.  I don’t think so.  

If Erin is just chomping at the bit, wanting to go out and play all of these retro arcade games, what’s stopping her?  She’s never done this in her life.  

Does Funspot still exist?  It does.  So take a trip.  It’s not that far from rural Pennsylvania.  Take a romantic trip to Funspot.  There’s no need to make an obvious sex joke here.  I’m being serious.  The historical Funspot Family Fun Center in Laconia, New Hampshire.  Founded in 1952.  

Wait…what arcade games were there in 1952?  Oh.  Like fortune teller machines and those dancing clown things and shooting games and primitive pinball machines and whatnot.  I saw something about old arcade machines that had live animals in them.  You press a button and the animal would be jostled into doing something.  I guess.  

1:30 – Mike is talking about Star Trek: Voyager.  Erin says, “I’ve never seen Voyager.”

What a surprise that is.  But Erin claimed to be such a big Star Trek fan not even two years ago.  It was in that video where Mike was showing her Star Trek t-shirts and she had difficulty identifying the characters.  She was looking at a t-shirt of Captains Kirk and Picard and couldn’t identify either one of them.  

Big Star Trek fan.

2:00 – Mike is being condescending.  “Look at you!  Pro.  Pro work.”

He knows full well that she sucks ass at video games and doesn’t know anything about them.  We all know.  Why doesn’t Erin just come out and say it?  Why does she continue to present herself as someone who knows about and enjoys video games?  

2:30 – Mike says, “I’m not great at this game so this will be a good competition.”

See?  

3:45 – Ha!  Erin said “boing”!  That’s her catchphrase.  That’s funny, right?  

4:30 – Mike says, “Robert Picardo” just out of nowhere.  I think he’s reading from the chat.  Star Trek superfan Erin has no idea what he’s talking about.

Wait a minute.  I thought that he was on Deep Space Nine.  But no.  It was Voyager.  I watched Deep Space Nine for a few seasons but I didn’t think that I watched any Voyager.  I must have, though because I recognised the name and I know the character.  And he was Coach Cutlip from The Wonder Years.

Oh yeah.  With Captain Janeway and the big titted Borg.  I probably watched the first season before moving on to less nerdy endeavours.  

6:15 – Ha!  She said “boing” again.  Classic Erin Plays.

6:45 – “Thank you SuperGamerGal for subscribing.”

This is surely Erin’s BFF SuperVideoGameGal.  She hasn’t uploaded in over a month and she deleted her last video.  I reviewed it here:

https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2021/01/life-update-and-my-new-year-goals.html

That was some embarrassing shit.  She proselytizes for Screenwave Media.  

She also closed her Twitter and Instagram.  So she must be on a social media break to work on her mental health.  That seems to be something that these gamer grrls do with some regularity.  Social media really seems to cause mental health problems for these ladies.  I don’t know why.  I never used this shit.  But yeah, obviously if it’s causing you distress, don’t use it.  It’s not a big deal.  

7:30 – Erin finishes the obstacle course, presumably for the first time ever, and engages in an annoying, fake celebration.  She also knocked down one of the targets and laughed about it, apparently not realising that that’s one of the goals of this section.  You’re supposed to knock down the targets.  

8:00 – “So this is the furthest I’ve gotten.  I’ve never made it to the third day.”

Erin…you played the game ONCE before.  On stream, for money.  We don’t need these pointless and misleading updates.  

9:15 – Mike dies right away so restarts the game.  Erin, rightly, protests.  

What a little bitch.  Has to restart the game.  He just has to beat Erin on this shitty game from 30 years ago, on stream, for money.  Even with one life down, he still would have beat her.  

10:45 – 

Mike: How many people in the chat are experts on Paperboy 2?

Erin: There’s like nobody.  They’re like…uhhh…no one.

Erin said that immediately without even looking at the chat.  She actually thinks that Paperboy 2 is some kind of hidden gem.  Because ALL games are obscure to Erin.

15:00 – “This is a very stressful game for me but very chill at the same time.  It’s addicting.”

She must have used the word “addicting” 100 times while playing this game in the two streams that she did and the Youtube video.  She seems to get these hang ups.  She’ll use the same word or phrase over and over and over again.  

For example, there was that period where she kept saying, “It’s where my heart is” about EVERYTHING.  

15:15 – “I feel like people shit on this game but I like it, you like it.”

She’s so fake-excited for this game that she just discovered that she’ll never play again in her life.  

Hey guys!  I discovered this cool new game!  Paperboy 2!  I’m really addicted to it!  Get ready for repeated streams of this shit and a Youtube video!

Just play this shit in your spare time, Erin.  You don’t have to subject the world to this.  Same with Castlevania.  If you like the game, play it in your spare time.  Not on stream, for money.  We’ve seen that already.

15:30 – “I’ve played this one A LOT more than the first one.”

At this point, Erin has played Paperboy 2 for two hours IN HER LIFE.  And she says that she played it “A LOT” more than the first one.  So she must have played the first one just mere seconds.

Then Mike dies.  He didn’t get nearly as far as Erin did but he was only 600 points behind her.  So he must have been doing something that Erin wasn’t doing.  

16:30 – Mike starts doing his Inspector Gadget impression.  This is probably a good time to stop.

– “Good to see the couple together. The couple that plays together stays together.”

On stream, for money.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIIzrhvuzKI

She explains what happened in one of her “just chatting” streams which, oddly, she uploaded.  She never uploads these:  Even she deems them unwatchable.  But at 1:30 she says:

I was going down the stairs and I tripped and I fell a few times on my tailbone and then I somehow ended up on the floor on my face.  I don’t know how I got to that point.  So basically, my tailbone hurts really bad, my hip feels weird.  So I can’t sit normally which means that I haven’t really been able to edit or stream and anything and I really didn’t want to have to like Tweet about this or anything because, you know, it’s a little silly.  It was a dumb accident but shit happens.  So I’ve just been laying on my side or walking or like standing.

As she’s saying this, one of the horndogs says, “Lay off the booze Erin”.

That was my initial thought as well.  Who the fuck falls down stairs?  This is a problem that children and the elderly have.  Normal, healthy adults are almost always able to navigate stairs without issue.  Unless they’re drunk.

I mean, what else can it be?  I get the impression that this happened in her home so it couldn’t have been ice on the steps or something.  I assume that Mike didn’t push her.  And I’m not going to make the obvious vigorous anal sex suggestion.  We’re above that here at GamerGrrls.  So yeah.  Alcohol.  

She says that she didn’t know how it happened and she didn’t know how she ended up face down and shit like this.  This all seems to suggest a drunken fall.  

Then one of the horndogs asks “Did you see a doctor?”  That was my second thought.

She doesn’t answer but it seems that she didn’t.  Why not?  

I injured my back many years ago and never went to the doctor either.  I didn’t think that there’s anything that the doctor could do.  Maybe I was right, I don’t know.

But I was quite a bit younger than Erin is now.  And a guy.  And I didn’t have insurance.  

I don’t know if Erin has insurance but Mike can pay for a fucking doctor’s visit.  

I’m trying to think if I’d go to the doctor today if I fell down the stairs and couldn’t sit or lay down.  I think that I would.  You want to make sure that nothing is broken.  And in the UK, this is all free.  You just go to the doctor, tell him the problem, they do whatever, and you go home.  There’s no cashier.  

Then she explains some more:

This is what I think happened.  I was wearing some Beavis & Butthead socks from the men’s section and they’re a little big.  I think, like, they were kind of coming off and then I slipped on the carpet and I just tumbled.

No, I’m sticking with alcohol abuse.  Oversized socks.  Fuck off.  She even added the Beavis & Butthead detail to try to give it some credibility.  Hey guys!  You know how much I love Beavis & Butthead, right?  The 90s!

No.  You love alcohol from the 90s.  90 proof.  

What else is she doing all day?  She has no job.  No hobbies.  No interests.  Doesn’t watch television.  Doesn’t play video games.  Not much is left but alcohol.  She must be wandering around in a drunken stupor all day and only sobers up to do these shitty streams once or twice a week.

18:00 – She’s showing a Barbie game.  “I streamed this before.  It’s addicting and I wanted to keep going.”

But she didn’t.  Because the stream ended.  And she doesn’t play games unless she’s streaming.  Another “addicting” game.  

I can’t listen to the lies any more.  I have to skip around . 

25:00 – Mike comes in with Elmo.  

But yeah, obviously this injury will put a damper on the buttsex.  How will Mike cope?  By releasing weird Youtube “shorts”.  Like these:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsYujPDZtC0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIeeUuQ0HcQ

I think that he’s wearing makeup.  I know that the gay men on that homosexual sub-Reddit will talk about the darkness under his eyes but I don’t think that wearing makeup is the answer.  I think that the answer is not caring what a bunch of catty homosexuals have to say about you.

And what the fuck are these Youtube shorts anyway?  I’ve seen a few of these now from different people.  It’s for like…people who view videos on their phone.  But people do that anyway with videos of all lengths.  

What’s in it for these individual “Youtubers”?  Are they getting paid more for these short videos?  Why does everyone seem so keen to jump on this stupid shit?

Anyway, I’m skipping through this video and it’s just Erin showing her games and toys and whatnot.  And it’s all stuff that I’ve seen before.  This is stuff that she got YEARS ago, for the purposes of her Youtube channel.  Hasn’t she got anything recently?  Like…in the past two years or so?

1:43:15 – “Here’s the Powerpad.  Almost as infamous as the shorts I wore in that video.”

Then she bends straight down at more than a 90 degree angle.  Wouldn’t that hurt?  You know, with the injured tailbone and all?  Is this all made up?  I wouldn’t put it past her. 

Why did she upload the stream anyway?  She never uploads these “just chatting” streams.  But here’s one where she’s talking about her “embarrassing” injury.  If it’s so embarrassing, why upload the video?  This is another attempt by her to garner sympathy.  And I’m not even 100% sure that this is a legitimate injury now.

1:46:00 – Somebody suggests doing another Powerpad video and she says that she has plans to do so.  Joe from Gamesack has to clean up now.

I don’t even understand the appeal of the Powerpad video.  It was obviously intended to be sexual with her constantly saying, “It’s so hard” and the thumbnail that looks like she’s waiting for the viewer to shoot a hot load in her face but otherwise it’s just a woman in shorts.  Even if it was an attractive woman, that wouldn’t do it for me.  I guess for guys who are into legs and/or feet, this might be their thing.

It seems so old fashioned to be into legs.  It hasn’t been shocking to see a woman’s legs in like 70 years.  But whatever.

Back to Erin’s alcoholism.  Apparently, Zima is still sold in Japan.  Maybe Mike can import a case or two for Erin.  Some of that alcohol *nostalgia*.  

What about Jolt Cola?  Do they still make that?  Not…really, it seems.  The company was sold in 2008 and then in 2009 the new owners filed for bankruptcy.  But in 2017 it was available for a short time in Dollar General?  

Anyway, maybe Mike can track some down some vintage cans on Ebay or something.  Erin can add vodka to them.  

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZdZAD6u6gU

Hey guys!  Remember Paperboy?

Sure, I remember Paperboy.  I didn’t have a Nintendo myself but I played it at a friend’s house once or twice.  And maybe another friend’s house.  I wasn’t impressed.  It’s a game that everyone seemed to have, though.  It was pretty popular in its day.

I suppose that the theme appealed to children.  At the time of the game’s release (1988 for the NES version) paperboys were largely being replaced by papermen.  Small time local newspapers still used paperboys who would go around in their bicycles and deliver papers but the bigger newspapers started hiring men to go around in a van and throw newspapers from the van.  

But still, we were old enough to remember a time when paperboys existed.  They would have paper routes.  We called them “paper outs” because we didn’t really know what a “route” was and it sounds largely the same as “paper route.”

You might have had an older sibling or neighbour who had a paper route and you’d dream, “One day, I’m going to get a paper route too and make some money.”  But it wasn’t to be.  The industry was changing.  And now all of those paper men are out of a job too  The journalists are unemployed.  Whole newspapers shut down.  Everyone from the office assistant to the editor-in-chief is out on the street.  Cleaning staff are all gone.  The local coffee shops who relied on their custom had to shut down.  The people who manufacture newsprint are all homeless now.  Ink manufacturers.  It goes on and on like this.

So yeah, I remember Paperboy.  The game sucked ass.  But the real question is does Erin remember Paperboy?  Naturally, the answer is no.  She never played this before.  She only started playing video games in 2017 when she started her Youtube channel.  And she only plays games if it’s for a Twitch stream and she’s getting paid or for a Youtube video and she’s getting paid.  She’s making $200/month from this.

This is what people are doing for work now.  Fake gamer grrls.  A generation or two ago, we had honest, good paying jobs at the newspaper or the paper pulp factory or what have you.  Now fake grrl is all that people can aspire to.  “Maybe I’ll be that one fake gamer grrl in a million who actually makes a living wage out of this, at least for a few years before I get too old for this (about 30).  It’s unfortunate in the extreme.  All the jobs are gone and people are fighting for shit “jobs” like fake gamer grrl.  It’s been going this way since the 1970s.  Hey guys!  Remember when the US business and political elite moved their manufacturing base to China?  I’m so *nostalgic* for getting a good wage for dignified work.

Then there was the much less popular Paperboy 2.  Released in 1991.  Erin never played this one either, of course.  Maybe she played it for a few minutes during a “variety stream”.  I don’t know.  But does it matter?  You just know that she’s going to suck giant fucking penis at this game.  Maybe she’s going to talk about the colours.  Maybe she’s going to say that something is cute.  I think that this game lets you play as a papergirl.  If that’s the case, you just know she’s going to pick the girl.  Will she make an “X looks like Y” comment?  It wouldn’t be an Erin Plays video if she didn’t.  So without further ado, let’s forget our troubles for 10 minutes and 23 seconds (Yay!  Monetisation!) and enjoy the show.

0:00 – Oh, she’s wearing her sexy jean jacket again.  Hey guys!  Remember jean jackets?  She’s bringing it back!  Next stop, parachute pants.

“For some reason that I really can’t explain, I’ve  been kind of addicted to Paperboy 2”.

Oh, do tell, Erin.  You’ve been playing this game a lot in your spare time, have you?

Let’s check Twitch.

Eight days ago, she did a 1 hour and 45 minute stream of Paperboy 2.  That’s what she’s talking about.  She played a game on stream, for money, for less than two hours.  She’s “addicted” to it.  For some reason.  That reason is “I really need that two hundred bucks this month.”

And two days ago, she did a “just chatting” stream where she went through some of her games.  The stream is two hours but no way did it take her two hours to go through her collection of games.  And she’s wearing that same fucking jean jacket in that video.  

So once again, if you’re watching Erin’s streams, you have no reason to watch the Youtube videos.  Because she just uses the streams to find “content” for the Youtube videos.  The Youtube videos are just rehashes of these shitty streams.   The games are the same, the clothes are the same, the “jokes” are the same.  She puts absolutely no effort into anything that she does.  But give her money anyway.  Appearance-wise, she’s a 4/10.  She deserves money for that.  

“But I went with the SNES version.  The music’s better, it’s a little closer to the arcade.  So let’s check it out.”

Oh, you know what else I noticed?  She played both the NES and the SNES versions of this game for this stream.  That’s helpful.

0:15 – “So the furthest I’ve made it in the NES version is to Thursday.”

She’s talking about this stream eight days ago where she played the game briefly, for money.  Who cares how you did on your first attempt?  Put the time into the fucking game for once in your life and THEN do the video.  Play the game extensively for at least a month.  Do it IN YOUR SPARE TIME.  Become proficient at it.  Then make a Youtube video about it.

This business where she plays the game one time, on stream, for money, then does a Youtube video on it is fucking dogshit.  How can anybody watch this?  What’s the point of any of this?  

Joe from Gamesack is sitting there jerking over this.  That’s what the point of this is.  It’s all about making sure that Joe from Gamesack gets his weekly release.

0:30 – “Alright.  So I’m going to be papergirl!”

Ding!  Ding! Ding!  We have a winner!  Where do I collect my prize?

“I like the little noises.”

One might even say that the noises are…cute!

1:00 – (Gasp!)  I never get hit by the gargoyles!

Once again, she’s talking about that time that she played the game, for the first time in her life, EIGHT DAYS AGO, on stream, for money, for less than two hours.  I suppose that she’s technically right.  But she’s leading the viewer to believe that she has extensive experience with this game.  You’re not being honest with the viewer, Erin.  Just say, “I played this game for the first time in my life eight days ago, on stream, for money, and now I’m making a Youtube video about it.”  What’s so hard about that?  People would still watch.  There’s not ONE person who would stop watching.  Because it’s all about that “hot” gamer grrl action.  

1:45 – “So my favourite thing to do is to free that pig that’s being roasted right there.”

Please see previous paragraph.

2:00 – “I always have a hard time getting past that castle.”

And again…

“Who lives there?  They have a moat.  I want to live in that house.”

What kind of mortgage do you think you can get with an income of $200/month?  Let’s figure this out.

Well, the first two online calculators I found don’t go that low.  But I found one on Zillow that works.

https://www.zillow.com/mortgage-calculator/

If she can scrape an $8,000 deposit together, she could get a 30 year mortgage on a house that’s worth $40,000 and her monthly payments would be $171/month.  So that leaves her $29/month to purchase groceries and jean jackets and video games and all the other expenses.  It’s going to be tight but with a really good budget she can do it.

What kind of place can you get for $40,000 in rural Pennsylvania?  I’m guessing it won’t be a castle.

Well, I found a couple of three bedroom places in Philadelphia but there aren’t any pictures.  That doesn’t bode well.

Let’s try out in the more rural areas.  

I found a trailer in a town called Green Lane for $35,000.  It looks okay inside but it’s a trailer.  Probably not great.

You could get a garage in King of Prussia for $35,000.  Probably couldn’t live there legally but just keep it on the down low.

Wow.  Look at this place.  Six bedrooms for $25,000.

https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/549-N-6th-St-Shamokin-PA-17872/78728966_zpid/?

It’s a fixer upper.  Looks like it has some fire damage.  But we’re getting close to that castle.

Anyway, there are a few places for under $40,000.  Not many but I expected there to be none.  They all have serious problems but…they’re cheap.

Back to the exciting adventures of Erin Plays!

Oh, did I mention that she’s really bad at the game?  If not, I mention it here.  

4:15 – “Perfect delivery and a new subscriber!  Oh my goodness!  I don’t think that I ever got a perfect delivery!”

You played the game once, Erin.  On stream, for money.  The jig is up.  I’ve been exposing this secret for at least a year now.  Just admit it so that we can all move on.

 5:00 – “This is a crazy game and for some reason it’s just addicting.”

We’ve gone over this.  I’m just going to add that she will never play this game again.  Unless it’s on stream, for money.  “Addicting.”

“I haven’t played the first one that much.”

She might have played it for a few seconds during a “variety stream”.  Just say it.  We all know.  Right?  

5:30 – “So stressful!”

You know what real stress is?  Having daily anal sex with a man you don’t love for $200/month.  Wasting what should be the most financially lucrative years of your life on this stupid fucking fake gamer grrl scam that we all know is NEVER GOING TO WORK OUT.  

8:15 – “Do any of you guys enjoy these games?”

Sure.  That’s what it’s all about, Erin.  Video games.  Some people like them.

But she asked the question like it was a totally foreign concept to her.  “Come on, guys.  No more fooling around.  Does anyone REALLY like these games or are you all just messing with me?”

“I have not played Paperboy 64 but I think that I need to do that next.”

On stream for money.  But why don’t you stick with Paperboy 2 for a little longer?  You find it so addicting, after all.  Start playing it in your spare time like a normal person.  Maybe learn the controls.  Maybe even become good at the game.  Anything is possible.

No, we’re moving on.  She’s not touching any video game shit unless she’s getting paid.

9:00 – “Ha!  I’ve never done that before!  That was funny!”

Erin…you played the game ONCE.  On stream, for money.  For less than two hours.  OF COURSE there are things in the game that you haven’t seen before.  

You know what I should have been doing?  Making an “addicting” count.  She must have said “addicting” or “addicted” at least…I’m going to say…seven times in this video.  And we all know what’s going to happen to this game at the end of the video.  She’ll never even look at it again.  That’s her definition of “addiction”?  

9:45 – “So the furthest we made it today is Wednesday.  Yesterday, on the NES version, I made it to Thursday.”

Yeah.  That was the first time you played the game.  It was on stream, for money.  

“One day I will make it to Saturday.  I will become the Paperboy master.”

That’s the spirit.  Just imagine how far you could get if you actually practiced the game in your spare time.  For HUNDREDS OF HOURS.  I know it sounds crazy but people do it.  People play video games for many hours.  And it’s not just on stream, for money.  Maybe try it out.  This is a very addicting game, after all.  EVERYBODY love Paperboy 2.  It’s a classic.

So that’s the video.  Of course, Paperboy 2 is a giant pile of shit.  But here we have Erin pretending to enjoy the game, having played it for the second (and final) time in her life.  The first time she played it was the previous day.  On stream, for money.

– “Greeting from the UK, I never played the SNES version of PB2 but I had a NES back in the day and I played this game NONE STOP, Just like you I was addicted to it.”

Ian, get with the fucking programme, you fat bastard.

– “Oh this game, I used to rent it every now and then as a kid lol also wth I just found the cutest gal on youtube! Subbed! Don’t you dare break my window though :P”

Yeah, this is what it’s all about.  Joe from Gamesack is cleaning up now.  “Oh yeah!  Hot gamer grrls!”

NUMEROUS people saying that the character looks like Erin.

It doesn’t.  And Papergirl, unlike Erin, has a job.

– “You know it’s gonna be a great weekend when it starts with a video upload from Erin”

I hear that.  What a way to kick off all the hedonistic craziness we have planned for the weekend.  Friday: Erin Plays video.  Saturday: drunken orgies.

Anyway, sorry for the novel-length post.  I just got excited.  Kind of like Joe from Gamesack when he sees a new Erin Plays video, but non-sexually.  It’s been so long since anyone uploaded anything worth reviewing.  All of these gamer grrls are taking a much needed break from their “job”.  Get back to “work”, ladies!  I’m sick of having to write about your god awful Twitters.