Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDP_EfaBoSA

James Rolfe was 20 or 21 years old when he made this.  This is one of his 500+ “films”.  By the way, I can’t find his filmography any more.  His website has been destroyed.  So I found this on IMDB, which only lists a handful of his films.  I was looking for a non-horror film because his horror shit is always god awful but…they were all horror.  So let’s check it out.

0:15 – “Our tale begins in a secluded little town enclosed by miles of wilderness.  Here we focus on a home where there resides a gay sensei who loves to train others in martial arts.”

I…what?  Gay sensei?  Cancel James Rolfe.  

Well, let’s not be too hasty.  Maybe this homosexual martial arts master will be given a fair treatment.  It’s not going to be some stereotypical gay man mincing about, surely.

1:00 – Then we see the sensei.  He’s wearing a purple robe of some sort and a wide brimmed black hat.  He’s putting laundry on a line to dry, even though it’s snowing.  People don’t hang laundry when it’s cold enough to snow, do they?  The stuff wouldn’t dry.

Anyway, that’s a minor point.  This gay sensei hangs the clothes by throwing them into the air and letting them land on the line.  And he does this in a theatrical manner because…that’s just how gay senseis roll, I guess.  

Then he twists this bedsheet that he put on the line and jumps on it, seemingly trying to break it.  

Then he hangs some other clothes in this bizarre way.

1:45 – Suddenly, a UFO appears.  It’s not in the classic cigar shape.  This is…a box with four legs.  

2:30 – Out of this spacecraft comes a guy in a green robe.

They touch each other’s hats…?

3:30 – The gay sensei starts sensually touching the UFO, including a propeller which is obviously a fan blade.

4:00 – The gay sensei nods suggestively to the alien visitor.

Then a brief scene of this alien visitor getting punched by lizard and werewolf arms.

God, this is so bad.  26 minutes?  How am I going to do this?  

This is the problem with James’ shitty movies.  They’re all like this.  He just crams a bunch of unrelated shit into the movie.  Everything he can think of.  The AVGN Movie was just the culmination of this dogshit style of film making that he had been doing since he was a child.  Oh, there will be zombies and giant monsters and car crashes and big titties and cyborgs and…no.  We don’t want all of that shit.  Make a COHERENT film.  Fuck this special education ADHD bullshit.  He can’t do it.

5:15 – Now the gay sensei is in a kitchen and feeding potato chips to this werewolf from outer space (at least I assume it’s the titular werewolf).I believe that the chips in question are Lays.  Original flavour.  

The alien werewolf doesn’t seem to know how to eat.

We get a closer shot of the chips.  No, these aren’t Lays.  I think that these are Ruffles.  

6:00 – Now the gay sensei is teaching the alien werewolf how to put shoes on.

What’s the point of any of this?  Why does the sensei have to be gay?  Why doesn’t this alien werewolf seem to know how to do ANYTHING?  It mastered interplanetary flight but doesn’t know how to eat?  

6:15 – The gay sensei removes the colander that the alien werewolf was wearing as a hat and places his wide brimmed hat on him.

6:45 – The gay sensei lights a match.  The alien werewolf tries to eat the match.  Again…JAMES ROLFE WAS 20 OR 21 YEARS OLD WHEN HE MADE THIS.  COME ON!  THIS IS SOMETHING THAT A TEN YEAR OLD WOULD MAKE!    

7:15 – The gay sensei turns the tv on and puts his hand down his trousers ala Al Bundy.  Wasn’t Married With Children off the air by this point?  Let me check.  Yeah, it ended in 1997.  

By the way, these two actors appear to be in their late teens or early 20s.  So they should have known better than to appear in this pile of dog shit.

7:30 – So on the television, there’s a scene from Way of the Dragon where the Bruce Lee character is fighting the Chuck Norris character.

There was no dialogue at all for this entire “film”.  The only voice we ever hear is James Rolfe’s as the narrator.

7:45 – “The sensei is now so interested in training his new extra-terrestrial friend that he doesn’t even care when a former gexday (???), a student of his, returns to pay a visit, along with some friends of his own.”

When was he training him?  Watching Way of the Dragon for a few seconds?  That counts as martial arts training?

And then they go right from that to footage of a car carefully parking and this…gexday….whatever that is, is presumably going to start some trouble.

The alien werewolf has no fucking training.  We didn’t see the gay sensei do any training whatsoever.  He just watched Way of the Dragon for a few seconds.  And all of this seemed to happen on the same day.  

So the alien werewolf arrives, the gay sensei teaches the alien how to eat potato chips, they watch Way of the Dragon for a few seconds, and this gexday arrives ALL ON THE SAME DAY.  So it’s not even like you can say, “Oh, they trained but we just didn’t show it.”  He couldn’t have trained him in less than one fucking day.  

8:00 – We see the gexday.  It’s a guy with a headband ala the Karate Kid.

The gay sensei then introduces the alien werewolf to the gexday.  Things seem to be cordial enough.

Then suddenly the gay sensei attacks the gexday while The Nutcracker Suite music plays.  Why did the gay sensei do this?  

And we were promised that friends would be accompanying the gexday.  Where are the friends?  

Then the gay sensei starts throwing chairs at the gexday (who, by the way, was down on the ground in the previous shot but is now up and alert).  

Also, it’s clear that neither of these guys have any martial arts training whatsoever.  I did this nerdy shit for many years as a kid and these people clearly don’t know what they’re doing.  These are not the kicks that anyone who had any training WHATSOEVER would be delivering.

9:30 – The gay sensei, now apparently having trouble with the gexday, instructs the alien werewolf to attack the gexday.  Even though the alien werewolf can’t possibly have had any martial arts instruction yet.  Well…I suppose that none of these people have so it should be a fair fight.

Oh.  Now we see the friends.  The friends were in the car.  This car is really old.  I don’t know the make and model but it’s from the 80s at least.  Maybe the 70s.

So the gexday gets in his car, his two friends get in this old car, and they (slowly) speed off while being chased by the alien werewolf.  Why?  The alien werewolf didn’t throw a single punch.  Why do they all run off like pussies?  THREE GUYS ran away from this alien werewolf who didn’t throw a single punch.  

And by the way, this alien werewolf just looks like a regular person.  So…why would THREE GUYS run away from ONE guy?  One guy who did NOTHING to demonstrate any sort of fighting prowess?  What were those two other guys even doing this whole time?  Jerking each other off in the car?  And their friend, the gexday, was doing fairly well against the gay sensei.  That’s why the gay sensei had to sic the alien werewolf on them.  

None of this makes sense.  It’s stupid.  With respect to retards, this is something that a fucking retard would write.  James Rolfe was in special education for seven and a half years.

9:45 – Now Ride of the Valkyries is playing and the alien werewolf manages to catch up to this vintage car and climb up on it.

Then there’s a pointless shot of a shocked hitchhiker, who’s also wearing a wide-brimmed hat.

The driver of this car has a wide-brimmed hat too.  Was this the style in New Jersey at the time?  

The passenger is wearing a bandana.

10:15 – The passenger takes a sai out to try to shoo the alien werewolf away but gets decapitated by a road sign.  Really bad special effects here.  That’s another unfortunate trademark of James Rolfe’s film making style.

10:30 – Then the alien werewolf just falls off the car for no apparent reason.  Then the car stops, again for no reason.  Then the alien werewolf just walks into the woods, yet again, for no reason.

Why…where to begin with this?  The alien werewolf seemed to have a good grip on the car by this point.  So why did he suddenly fall off?

Why did the driver stop?  He was trying to get away from the alien werewolf this whole time.  When he falls off, just keep fucking driving.

Why didn’t the alien werewolf attack the driver?  That was the whole point of him chasing them to begin with.

And again, the initial question, why was the alien werewolf interested in attacking these guys in the first place?  Why did the gay sensei attack the gexday?  What the fuck even is a gexday?

10:45- So now the alien werewolf is urinating in the forest while The Blue Danube plays.  Here we get to the most disgusting of James Rolfe’s autistic film making…quirks.  Bodily function “humour”.

So is that why the alien werewolf fell off the car and didn’t attack the guy?  Because he had to go urinate?  I’m surprised that he even knew how to urinate, given the fact that he didn’t know how to eat and he didn’t know what fire was.

11:00 – Then there’s a shot of a full moon and a werewolf appears.  The werewolf immediately overpowers this…alien.  I guess the alien wasn’t a werewolf at this point.  

So…the alien was supposed to be some kind of martial arts master.  He learned all there is to learn from the gay sensei in the few hours that he spent with him and watching Way of the Dragon for a few seconds.  But then he immediately gets taken down by the werewolf.

I know that it’s a werewolf but wouldn’t a martial arts master at least try to defend himself?  Throw a kick or a punch maybe?  

12:00 – Oh.  After the werewolf bites his wrist and starts tasting the blood, the alien (who almost feinted from pain at one point) is now fully alert and delivers a terrible, terrible kick to the werewolf.

That’s all part of his training, I guess.  Just roll over and let your opponent get on top of you and bite your wrist.  Then when he’s distracted by the taste of your blood, lightly kick him in the shins.

Then the alien runs away and tries to climb up a tree.  Why?  Is he a martial arts master or isn’t he?  

Then the alien lightly kicks the werewolf in the face.  

The werewolf comes at him again and this time the alien stands his ground and kicks him once and punches him once, downing his opponent.  And this guy actually does look like he took at least one martial arts class.  That was a recognisable kick.  

The werewolf gets up, the alien throws some really bad punches to his body, and then does a really bad spin kick.  Again, the kick is bad but you can see from the form that he has some training.  Maybe three months and a yellow belt at the local McDojo.

Now it’s the werewolf who’s running away and the alien is chasing him.  Why?  The alien was trying to get away from the werewolf just a minute earlier.  Is he just full of confidence now?  He saw what a shitty fighter the werewolf was.

13:00 – It’s the next day and it’s snowing.  The werewolf was apparently defeated with some lame half-kick that was delivered while swinging on a weak branch.

14:30 – Now there’s footage of the alien getting attacked by the lizard and werewolf again.  Some sort of flashback.

Then the alien kicks a little tree down and starts doing some kicks just for fun.  

He starts doing chin ups and shit like this.  This is like a training montage ala Rocky.  But…again…why?  Why did he apparently kill a werewolf and then immediately start training in the woods?  Maybe go back to the gay sensei?  Get your injured wrist looked at?  

15:00 – Speaking of which, now the gay sensei just magically appears.  How did he know that the alien was in the woods?

And in the previous shot, the alien was wearing a track suit.  But in the very next shot, he’s back to wearing his green robe and colander like we saw at the start of the movie.  Oh.  It’s a flashback.

More footage of the alien kicking dead branches from trees.  

Isn’t the alien getting hungry?  Shouldn’t that be a priority?  Martial arts training should be way, way, way down the survival list.

16:00 – A day passes, and the alien makes his way back to his spaceship.  The gay sensei appears and inspects his injury.  Then he looks up and sees that it’s a full moon again.

Is that right?  Can there be a full moon two nights in a row?  Let me DuckDuckGo this.

Well, there’s some debate as to what exactly a full moon is but it can last for up to three days.

So in the time it took for the gay sensei to look up at the moon, the alien fully transformed into a werewolf.

The gay sensei hops up on to the spaceship and…throws his hat at the werewolf.  That classic martial arts technique.

Then the gay sensei throws his shirt at him…blinding the alien werewolf.  

An extended fight scene ensues…

19:00 – They tried to do an Indiana Jones thing with this propeller.  You know…when he fought that Nazi near the plane.

The werewolf throws the gay sensei down a hill and that’s the end of the fight.

21:00 – “Discouraged by the loss of his new student, the enemies that he made, and the fact that there are werewolves running amok in his forest, the sensei decides to move away, gives up his desire to train martial arts, instead becomes a big success as an acrobat in a circus stunt show.”

It’s just so stupid.  And all of James’ dialogue has been poorly written with weird grammar.  He’s a fucking retard.  I’m sorry.  I know that this isn’t a cool word to use but I’m using it in the medical sense.  James Rolfe is mentally retarded.  There’s not a doubt in my mind.

“As for the old student, he agreed with his friends, if they ever see that sensei again, they’ll kick his ass.”

But there’s only one friend now.  The other one got decapitated.

“And at last we bring our attention to the alien, who now has first-hand experience in martial arts combat.  With his new found fighting skills, he feels confident to return to the far reaches of the galaxy and defeat all of his enemies.”

Yeah…

Then it ends with a Star Trek reference but this is just…too stupid to get into.

Roll credits, mercifully.   Rob Worton was the werewolf.  I can’t find anything about him online.  He probably changed his name after these shitty “films” were “released”.

Kevin Finn was the gay sensei.  And what did him being gay add to anything?  In what way was his sexuality even expressed in this “film”?  

Dave Livsy was the werewolf.  The only reference to this guy online is this movie.  Again, I assume that he now lives under an assumed identity.

Dan Mullarkey was the Former Gakusei.  Oh.  So not gexday.  It was “gakusei”.  How silly of me not to know that.

Gakusei means “student” in Japanese.  So…yeah.  Even though kung fu comes from China, they use Japanese terms.  Apparently.

Again, I can’t find anything on this guy.  He’s presumably in hiding.

Michael Depasquale was the thug (the guy who got decapitated).  Fortunately for him, this is a fairly common name so he can live in anonymity without changing his name.

So that was that piece of shit.  And what was with those flashbacks to the lizard and the werewolf attacking the alien?  That was never explained.  Maybe we’ll get a follow up video where James explains the lore for all of us Kung Fu Werewolf From Outer Space superfans.  Put all of the speculation to rest.