Unboxing More Gifts – JLuv81


(I wrote this in July but never published it because I thought it was too mean-spirited.  But I forgot to write anything for today so we have to go the emergency articles.  So apologies to JLuv81.  I’m sure she’s a nice person and all.  Well, I don’t know.  Maybe she isn’t.  But whatever.)

This was one of John Riggs’ Top Ten Hottest Babes of the Internet.  But his “review” of her was muted.  “I checked out her channel and I said, ‘Oh, this channel is just fine.'”  What a scumbag.  I somehow think that he would give her higher praise if she was 10 years younger and 100 pounds lighter.

0:00 – You know how the kids today say “cringe” a lot?  It’s pretty overused.  But this intro is definitely cringe-inducing.  It’s some overweight guy in his 30s at least.  He’s wearing a baseball cap and a JLuv81 t-shirt.  His name is TBelly, presumably as an homage to his large stomach.    And then he does some kind of a…I don’t know.  Urban?  Hip hop?  Street?  Embarrassing intro.

0:15 – Then we get to JLuv81.  I’ll reserve judgement but first impression is that this woman with the baseball cap on backwards probably likes women.  I mean really likes them.  But what does it even matter?  Let’s just move on.

0:30 – So she’s going to unbox some “gifts” from MegaDan29, TBelly, and RetroMikey78.  She has graphics of three of these guys.  We saw TBelly already.  So…do all of these guys have channels?  Let me look.

They do!  Links in the description.

MegaDan29 has 1,300 subscribers.  Does videos where he plays video games.  A surprising number of sports titles.  That’s something different at least.

TBelly has 1,600 subscribers.  Also does videos where he plays video games.  He also sometimes does videos where he talks about video games or goes to a convention or something.

RetroMikey78 has 1,000 subscribers.  Makes videos where he plays video games.  Also various other “gaming” related content.  He goes on trips to “barcades” and talks about games and whatever.

God, there must be a million channels like these.  How do you stand out?  If you just enjoy what you’re doing and don’t care about how many views you get, then fine.  I get it.  But you’re not going to make money doing this.

So these three guys sent gifts to JLuv81 in a cynical attempt to promote their channel.  But JLuv81 only has 3,600 subscribers.

I don’t know if this is better or worse than just some random horny losers sending some gamer grrl a gift.  Because the horny loser is expecting…I don’t know…a date out of this.  Or he’s somehow getting off on this.  At least with these guys, it’s a clear business proposition.  “I send you some plastic shit that you don’t need and you promote my channel.”

This reminds me of the “gifts” that reality tv superstar, comedic legend, and narcotics enthusiast Theo Von used to open on his podcast.  I don’t know if he still does because I haven’t watched that trash in some considerable time.  But he would open “gifts” and they’d all be from companies promoting their products.  So he’d open the “gift” and then read the little note that would tell him (and therefore the viewer) where to purchase the product.  It was really shit.

1:00 – Keith Courage.  With no manual.  That’s the first thing.

Come on.  This is fucking trash.  Keith Courage was the pack in title.  This has to be the most popular TurboGrafx game of them all.  Well, “popular” in the “abundant” sense.

Then he says that this guy also sent her a TurboGrafx and then some other guy sent her the “back” of a TurboGrafx.  There’s a back piece that you have to take off to get at some ports or something.  So this first guy must have sent her a TurboGrafx without this back piece, which is weird, and then even weirder is that this second guy had a back piece just lying around that he could send.

1:30 – “This is my very first TurboGrafx 16 game.”

Then she holds it up to the camera and in the background you see a wall of games.  Shelves from wall to ceiling, covering the entire wall, just heaving with games.  But she never got a TurboGrafx game?  These look like Nintendo games for the most part.

“I never played this.”

Well, you’re in for a disappointment.

2:15 – He also sent her the cord for a TurboGrafx 16.  Who the fuck just has random TurboGrafx  paraphernalia lying around?  Why not send a complete system?  “Oh, here’s part of the system but you have to find the back and the cord.”

Oh, and then she says that she had to buy the power supply too.  So that’s another thing.  Presumably she has a controller and now she has a game so she’s all set.  Was it worth it?  Fuck no.  Not even for free.  I’m not taking somebody’s fucking trash.

All that guy did was give her a job.  She has to find the cord that connects to the tv, the cord that connects to the power supply, the fucking back of the system, possibly a controller, and of course the games.  It’s ridiculous.

3:00 – This next one is from TBelly.  “All the way from New York City.  Well, Brooklyn, New York.”  Just like Welcome Back, Kotter and that famous sign.

I had the privilege of driving through fabulous New York City a few times.  I never stopped to take in the sights, unfortunately.  But I do remember the emaciated young man under a bridge holding a sign saying, “I have AIDS.  God bless.”  Such a vibrant city.  Who wouldn’t want to live there?

3:15 – Sunglasses that probably cost…fuck…a dollar?  I’m not even joking.

4:00 – A Legend of Zelda pin.  It’s a pin in the shape of the Legend of Zelda game.  And then another Zelda pin.  This one is like the logo?  I guess.

4:45 – And a bag of Amibos.

It’s just…I don’t know.  If I was 10 years old, I’d appreciate getting this stuff for free.  But as a 40+ year old?  This is trash.  I don’t want this.  What am I going to do with this shit?  It would literally be thrown out.

8:45 – Last box.  A Bowser Amibo.  She already got one from that previous guy.  And she had one already.  So now she has three.  This one is in the box, though.  So…collector’s item.

9:15 – Then some cheap baseball caps for children that have the plastic strap in the back.  So not fitted.  I mean…I don’t know. 

10:15 – A RetroMikey t-shirt.  Come on.

11:00 – Some loose stickers.

Whatever.  This was just weird.  At some point, this woman made the decision to dedicate her life to collecting useless video game crap.  And you become a slave to this stuff.  What if she wants to move?  She has to move all 10,000 games.  Rent a truck.  Hire movers.  Then she has to put all of this shit in her new place.  And she has to find a place large enough to fit all of this shit.

Do they bring her any joy?  Does she like looking at all of this plastic shit?  Does she think she’s going to be able to retire off of this stuff?

Why not focus on a career or relationships or family or whatever?  She’s filling that void with plastic crap.

2 thoughts on “Unboxing More Gifts – JLuv81

  1. that's something that I have given some thought. I have also amassed a lot of things over the years to the point that you come to the realisation that you don't need any more stuff. that's why i've stopped buying things; you already have plenty of books, some of them you haven't even started on yet. you have a lot of reading material aside from books, some even in other languages. same with dvds and games. why would you want to buy more? to be more entertained? if you have access to the internet, you already have an unlimited source of entertainment. there are audiobooks on librivox.org, you can read wikipedia articles, take free online courses, do duolingo to learn other languages, follow tutorials to practice a programming language, watch movies and series for free (suck a dick netflix). also, you can install an emulator and play the games if you're still into this. i know that there are people saying that you're going to get arrested if you download rom files from the internet, but how often has it happened?maybe to some people, endless paying money for entertainment when you can get it for free is a source of entertainment in itself. i'm far from having a disposable income, so carelessness with money doesn't appeal to me.

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