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Nintendo Power Live Stream! Volume 168 – Erin Plays
This is nearly two hours. It’s one of her fake carpal tunnel syndrome streams. I’m just going to breeze through it. Try to listen to as much of this as I can. I’m going to try to comment as little as possible. Just do this in one article. But I skimmed and at some point, pretty late in the video, she starts talking about Britney Spears. So I’ll have to be sure to mention that.
0:00 – She says that she’s streaming at 4:19 in the morning. Hello, unemployment.
Then she apologises for the shitty camera. It’s true. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to read anything. It’s complete shit. She put no effort into this, as per usual.
5:00 – “During 2002, I didn’t have a Gamecube and I was pretty busy with school and music stuff so I was pretty much just playing, you know, I’d got back to my Super Nintendo and N64 but I was playing a lot of Game Boy Advance. So that’s what I was playing.”
Uh huh. But you said that you were busy with school and “music stuff”. So why were you playing anything? What’s the truth?
The truth is that she wasn’t busy with anything and she wasn’t playing any games. She has no interest in that. She was just staring at a wall all day.
6:15 – Shishi is in the chat. At 4:00 in the morning. How is it that he’s ALWAYS there? At any hour, day or night, every day? How is it possible? How does he get notified? Does Erin personally send him a message?
And he clearly doesn’t have a job. His entire life revolves around Erin Plays and her unbelievably shitty “content”. He’s there every fucking time. He has nothing else going on in his life. He’s never working. He’s never at a doctor’s appointment. He’s never going grocery shopping. He’s there for every single stream.
7:15 – She reads a letter about Animal Crossing, obviously written by a child, and she has NO IDEA what this guy is talking about. None. She gives her usual, bizarre, pointless, generic response. I won’t type it all out because it’s too stupid.
8:15 – Then she turns the page. “So more pictures. I don’t know what they are.”
They’re pictures of Animal Crossing. Two have the boy from Animal Crossing and one has one of the villagers. She doesn’t recognise this. She has NO IDEA what Animal Crossing is. Never played it. Never saw any videos of it. Never read anything about it. And yet, on the previous page, she read a letter about Animal Crossing and pretended to know what the game was about.
No. Complete lies, as usual from Erin.
8:30 – Then she turns the page and says, “Ooh, more pictures. This Super Mario RPG one is really nice.”
She’s only able to identify stuff if it’s labelled. In this case, the words “Super Mario RPG” are on the picture. That’s why she knew the game. If it’s not labelled, she has no fucking idea what it is. This is that Star Trek t-shirt stream all over again.
She also recognised Shadow from Sonic the Hedgehog for the same reason. The kid who drew the picture labelled the character. Erin just read it. If that girl didn’t label the picture, Erin would have no fucking idea. She would have called him Sonic. No question about it.
9:45 – Next page. It’s an ad. Megaman & Bass. She reads the names. Fortunately, they’re labelled. But she doesn’t know if it’s “Bass” as in the fish or “Bass” as in the instrument. So she pronounces it both ways to cover all of the bases. Too bad they don’t give the phonetic spelling. That would have really helped Erin.
“I don’t know anything about this game but there’s an ad for it.”
Riveting stuff, Erin.
Then a horntard tells her the correct pronunciation.
10:30 – Then Erin tells a boring story from her childhood where she told a girl that she took bass lessons and she mispronounced “bass” four times.
12:00 – There’s a best selling games chart. So Erin just reads the fucking chart. Oh my god. This is awful. She doesn’t know any of the fucking games so she can’t comment on anything. She’s reading the fucking chart.
12:45 – “I wish I liked Animal Crossing. I tried. I just can’t get into it.”
She didn’t recognise the villager boy from Animal Crossing. Or one of the villagers. And this was all on a page that was about Animal Crossing. So she couldn’t even guess that these pictures were of Animal Crossing.
And yet she wants us to believe that she played Animal Crossing. She knows absolutely nothing about the game.
“I think it’s cute-looking.”
Fuck you.
“Super Mario Sunshine is number 10. That’s one Mario game that I have yet to play.”
You don’t say. She doesn’t stream Gamecube games so of course she hasn’t played it.
13:15 – “Sonic Mega Collection. Oh, I forget that Sonic stuff started coming out on the Gamecube.”
Uh huh. Erin “always” “forgets” that Sonic stuff came out on the Gamecube.
“So I guess that it was appropriate that there was Sonic fan art. What do I know? I don’t know anything.”
Indeed, Erin. Even though she was being sarcastic, she was dead on. She knows NOTHING about video games. Nothing. She knows nothing about ANYTHING.
Then somebody asks if she played the recent Disney game that’s similar to Animal Crossing. You’ll never guess her answer.
No. Of course she hasn’t played it. Have you seen her stream it? Then she hasn’t played it, you fucking retards. What aren’t you getting?
14:30 – The second chart that she’s going to read and say nothing about any of the games is entitled, “Player’s Choice.” She doesn’t know what this means. She even says this. She has to guess what it means, even though there’s an asterisk after “Choice” and if you go to the bottom of the page, it surely tells you what this means.
But the bigger issue is that Erin says that she’s a big Nintendo Power fan. She had a subscription. She’s collecting all of the issues. She’s all about Nintendo Power.
So this is the first time she’s seeing this list? Surely, it was in at least several issues. Maybe this thing went on for years.
Erin’s never seen it before.
21:00 – Now she’s at another chart. She’s surprised to see this. It’s labelled “Game Boy”. So Erin says, “Do they mean regular Game Boy?”
In 2004? No, you fucking cretin. She doesn’t know ANYTHING.
You know what? I’ve had it. That’s all the mendacity that I can stand today. So let me just hunt for this Britney Spears reference now.
1:24:15 – It’s some comedy awards page. “‘Worst hair goes to Britney Spears’ Dance Beat’? Well, I’m offended. She should have won…for…best hair. They just did that because at the time everyone — like — especially — like boys were like, ‘Ew. Britney Spears.’”
Negative charisma. She can’t talk at all. She has nothing to say. She doesn’t know anything.
Well, that wasn’t worth hunting for. That’s all she says. It’s dogshit. She can’t even talk about Britney Spears. She doesn’t know anything about Britney Spears.
Let’s check out the comments.
Only 35 comments. And half of them are Erin’s. She’s responding to every comment.
Her first response is “That’s awesome!”. I knew it. I knew she was going to say that before I even clicked the response. Well, I thought she was going to say, “That’s cool” but “That’s awesome” is her alternative.
Actually, let’s guess how many times she says “That’s cool”/”That’s awesome.” There are like 17 comments so I’ll say that she says it…seven times. She’s at one so far.
She says “Nice!”. Should I include that? It’s the same meaning but…no, I guess I won’t include it.
Aw. It was just that one time. And she only responded to about half of the comments.
But there were some good spam comments.
- FIND LOVE ON THE BEST DATING SITE
- NЕW А DАТING FОR АLL ТАSТЕS & АGЕS
Maybe the horntards could make use of this. There’s no actual link to anything, though. Or a name of the site. But just a general reminder that dating sites exist might be all the help that they need.
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Spirit Halloween The Movie (2022) Review – Monster Madness – Cinemassacre
Newt beat you to this one, Jimmy.
I’ve already watched this video from Jimmy, just for my own “enjoyment” and I’m not going to watch it again to timestamp shit. But he has such a bad take on this.
Newt commented on the ridiculous nature of having a movie based on a store. It’s obviously ridiculous. Who would possibly disagree with that?
James Rolfe would. He loves the idea of a movie based on a store.
This is the opinion of a total dope. Who gives a shit what he has to say?
There was something toward the end of this video that really bothered me. I had to turn it off a bit early. Let me see what it was.
Oh, well one thing is that he talks about his fondness for going to Spirit Halloween every year. He calls it a “tradition.” The whole commercialisation of Halloween in the US is pathetic.
But that wasn’t it. What annoyed me was Jimmy giving his idiotic, autistic movie idea at the 8:00 mark. A horror film about old die cut Halloween decorations coming to life.
This is every fucking movie idea that he has. Some inanimate object comes to life and chases the protagonist for the entire “movie”. It’s dogshit, Jimmy. Get a new idea.
And his idea for the title is “Die Cuts”. Get it? DIE? Fuck off with this bullshit. Newt does this kind of stupid shit where he comes up with a pun title and thinks that it’s clever. Is Jimmy ripping off Newt Wallen? James is going to release a “movie” about a shark vampire next.
Then Jimmy finishes the video by saying that this movie, which is clearly a giant piece of shit, is worth watching for “nostalgia sake”. What nostalgia? Jimmy said that these stores didn’t exist when he was a child. And I’ve never seen them. So it must have been something that took off within the last 20 years old so.
Let’s see what the boys on Reddit have to say.
A few people suggest that this was a paid advertisement. I don’t think so. They’re just desperate for shit to complain about. Weird conspiracies.
- “Want to give James Rolfe a hard on?”
I can honestly say that I don’t, CreamyHampers. But you do you.
Oh, yeah. I’m reading the weird Youtube comments for this video now and it reminded me of something else. In the beginning of the video, Jimmy talks about how great it is to see Christoper Lloyd in this movie.
No. He looks like a fucking zombie. How old is this guy? 90? Let me look this up.
He’s 84. Now, should an 84 year old not be allowed to appear in movies? No, of course not. But let’s not pretend that this is anything other than depressing and a reminder of our own mortality.
- “James thank you for this I love Christopher Lloyd and now have a new age appropriate horror movie to watch with my daughters.”
Oh, sure. “Daddy, who’s that 100 year old zombie? He scares me.” “That’s Christopher Lloyd. He was a spry 60 when I was your age.”
You look at all of these actors from the 1980s and they’re all old as fuck now. Or dead. It’s depressing.
But it’s not just actors. It’s everybody. It’s your parents. It’s your childhood neighbours. It’s your former teachers. Every adult you knew in the 1980s is either really old now or dead. You’re *nostalgic* for this? “I’m so glad that this person from the 1980s is still alive.” Yeah, but now they’re old and decrepit and live in constant pain and their mind is gone. It’s not the same person from the 1980s.
And you’re not the same person from the 1980s.
This is why Newt always re-tweets every celebrity who dies. He likes to wallow in this sort of depressive state. Thinking about celebrities who he knew as a kid and how they’re dead now. And how this means that he’s also a lot older now and closer to death.
If you’re making the most of your own life, you don’t need to concern yourself with the continuous cycle of death. These old people used to be young, hopefully they also made the most of their lives, and this is the natural order of things. If you’re wasting your life on plagiarised movies and comic books, that’s on you.
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Erin’s 2022 TikTok Output
https://www.tiktok.com/@erinplays87
I can’t believe she’s still doing this. She made a few GOD AWFUL TikTok videos last year. I talk about them here:
Don’t get excited. She’s not using TikTok the way it’s supposed to be used. There’s no dancing. She doesn’t even appear in the videos. She just shows “cute” games and shit that she got from some capsule machine during one of her many, many, many trips to visit her parents.
But maybe she’s improved. Let’s check out the new “content”.
This one is called, “Super cute Hello Kitty blind box unboxing! Polly Pocket vibes.”. Uh huh. Sounds like it could be a good one. Who doesn’t like super cute Hello Kitty blind box shit?
Ummm….this might be one of the most pointless videos I’ve ever seen. It’s 30 seconds of Erin showing some piece of shit little Hello Kitty trinket that she got. This is a 35 year old woman. And royalty-free “cute” music plays throughout. No commentary.
How many views did this thing get? 613. And it got comments? What?
Oh. Pity comments from Mike.
Mike: Why is it raining in Hello Kitty land?
Erin: It’s always raining in hello Kitty land
Mike: no it shouldn’t be
Negative charisma from Erin. She has no idea what to say to anything. Why would it always be raining in Hello Kitty Land? It’s a cute, happy place. That’s what Mike was clearly referencing. But she doesn’t know anything about anything, not even Hello Kitty (which is something that professes to like) so this is what you get. Weird comments that don’t make any sense.
Well, we’ve got five more of these so let’s not get discouraged. Maybe one of these will be good.
This one is called, “This Kirby blind box is insanely cute! I wish I bought more than one.” Oh fuck. It’s not looking good.
Some sort of Chinese bootleg version of the Kirby song is playing.
It’s a little Kirby guy holding a tray like he’s a waiter. He’s carrying a little glass.
That’s it. That’s the video. Does she think that this is going to take off? Nobody wants to watch this.
Let’s see Mike’s pity comment.
Oh, he didn’t bother this time. It’s just a couple of horntards.
“Lets see which Pokemon I got in this blindbox!”
Again with this. It’s not interesting. At all.
It’s a Pokemon in a bottle. Which Pokemon? I don’t know. Nor does Erin.
You know what MIGHT be interesting? MAYBE? If Erin actually spent some of Mike’s money to get some vintage Hello Kitty shit that was only released in Japan. Stuff from the 1970s. Start a little collection. But not a collection of cheap garbage like a child would do. Spend some money and get some good Hello Kitty shit. If you do it like this, you can present yourself as some kind of antiquarian as opposed to just a pathetic 35 year old woman collecting shitty children’s toys.
Erin actually appears in this one. It’s “Mario movie teaser trailer thoughts”. She gave her thoughts on Twitter not too long ago. What was that generic as fuck comment again?
“Actually pleasantly surprised with the Mario teaser trailer. I’m optimistic.”
Riveting. But she has 30 seconds here to flesh out her non-thoughts so let’s check it out.
Oh, it’s nearly two minutes. We’re in for a treat.
“First of all, I’m pretty optimistic.”
Yeah. We got that, Erin. Stop repeating the same fucking shit all the time.
Okay, this was nothing. This was NOTHING. She said NOTHING. For two minutes.
She ran out of non-stuff to say after a minute so she started talking about Mario’s buttocks. Why? Who cares? We’re supposed to be jerking off to this?
Anyway, that video got twice as many views as most of her other videos. Because she appears in the thumbnail. This is what people are watching the videos for. They want to jerk off. Then when these TikTok people see that it’s a 35 year old woman they’re like, “What the fuck? If I want to watch an old woman waffle about nothing, I’ll just talk to my mom.”
“My teens – mid 20s iPod”. So…oh, I think she’s going to show the songs that she had on her iPod from 20 years ago. Who cares?
Oh my god. No. Not even. What I described might have been half-way interesting to somebody out there somewhere in the universe. What this video actually is can’t be interesting to anybody. It’s impossible.
She just fucking turns the iPod on and says that she got it in 2007 after high school. THAT’S THE VIDEO. She doesn’t show what’s on the thing. Nothing. IT’S TOTAL DOGSHIT.
Why in the name of fuck would she make a video like this? It’s beyond pointless.
So some kid who stumbled on to the video asked the obvious question, “Who asked?” Erin replies with, “Your dad.”
Yeah, way to insult these 12 year olds, Erin. As if the video wasn’t insulting enough. It’s wasting people’s time. There’s absolutely no reason to show this. The video exists for no reason whatsoever. Nobody on earth can possibly find this interesting. It’s impossible. There’s no fucking “content” here.
Last video. Maybe she’ll redeem herself. Anything is possible, I guess.
“What is your favorite Atari 2600 game? Fast food is one of mine!”
Eugh. She won’t. She’s just going to talk about “cute food.”
Oh my god. Fifteen seconds of nothing. Is she fucking retarded? How could she possibly think that these videos are good?
I have the same question about her Youtube videos. And her Twitch streams. But these TikTok videos…it’s a whole other level of bad. They exist for no reason. The potential market for these videos is nobody. Nobody would ever want to watch these. They’re completely pointless.
Holy shit. Look at these videos in the “related videos”. Section. These videos are not related AT ALL.
There’s a woman in a nurse costume, at a nerd convention, sitting on some nerd for nine seconds. I won’t link to it because it’s annoying as fuck but I can see people wanting to watch this.
Another video is just 25 seconds of somebody’s big-titted teacher. Again, I can see the appeal.
And there’s another video of some skank showing her ass.
THIS is what TikTok is about. Not these as boring as fuck, pointless videos about garbage that you got from the 25 cent machine. As a 35 year old woman.
Now, maybe, MAYBE if Erin was showing this shit while wearing yoga pants it would make more sense. But even then. Come on. She’s 15 years too old to be on TikTok. She has no charisma. Nothing to talk about. She can’t dance. Personally, I don’t want to see her shaking her ass and/or tits. Just give this shit up. You’re done. Forget about TikTok.
Just go out and get a fucking job like a normal person. That’s the answer to all of her problems. Fucking TikTok. It’s ridiculous. And these fucking unbelievably pointless videos.
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Mike Matei Doesn’t Know Shit About Doom
I’m not going to review this seven hour stream but I’ve watched a few of his videos where he plays Doom. He’s been playing a bunch of them recently. Different ports. He’s makes some shockingly ill-informed comments.
He was playing the SNES port in one of these. And he kept complaining about the lack of music. “When you think of you Doom, you think of the rocking music.” He said something like this.
No. There was no music. Not in what I was playing, anyway. I had fucking Final Doom. PC. No music.
He’s playing Final Doom on the PC (I think it was only released on PC) in the video I linked to above and there’s music. So I don’t know if it’s because of my system being really slow back in the day so music was disabled or if the music is due to the many, many mods that I think he’s using on this thing.
Maybe there was music in Final Doom. Maybe I just had the volume down too low. But I certainly don’t remember any rocking tunes. I just remember the sound effects. Shooting guys and the monsters yelling.
Second issue is that he’s playing this with a mouse and keyboard. There’s no fucking mouse control in Doom. It was keyboard only. So you couldn’t aim up or down or whatever. Just if you were facing the target and they were on the same vertical axis as where you were aiming, they’d get hit. Didn’t matter if they were way above you or way below you.
He’s using some mod that lets you use the mouse to aim like a modern first person shooter. But that’s not what Doom was. I thought that he was all about the original, authentic experience. This isn’t it.
I don’t even recognise the game he has so many fucking mods on here. He has like a machine gun shotgun and shit like this. What? There was no machine gun shotgun. And there are a bunch of crazy melee kill animations and shit. None of this existed in Final Doom. This is all from the mods. Brutal Doom and whatever other mods he put on here.
Why not just play the game properly? There’s your “challenge”. Beat Final Doom the way the game was actually meant to be played. No music. No mouse. No crazy weapons. No crazy animations. 20 frames per second.
People, including myself, gave Erin shit for playing Doom with some mod that lets you use the mouse to look around. I talk about it here:
It was one of the first posts on the blog. This was years ago. Erin obviously got the game from Mike and Mike’s version of the game is laden with mods. So much so that it makes the game almost a full conversion. It’s a totally different game.
I expect Erin to not know this shit. But Mike doesn’t know it?
Yeah, being able to look around with a mouse is better than not being able to do this. And all of these other mods probably make the game better too. But that’s not the fucking game. This is not Final Doom that he’s playing.
Anyway, I fucking hated the game back in the day. I got it years after Doom became popular, probably in 2000 or so, and I didn’t get it. “People are playing this shit? Shooting up schools over this?” The game sucks cock in its original form. Its intended form.
And Final Doom in particular. I never played the original two games. To this day I haven’t played them, such is my contempt for Doom, as a result of my experiences with Final Doom. But I know what it looks like, having seen Mike play the game many times.
Final Doom is basically impossible. The difficulty was cranked up massively over the previous games. I didn’t know this at the time. So I would just play on god mode and no clip and whatever. Check out the levels.
The last level in particular, of at least one of the…wads or whatever they were called, is impossible. Endlessly respawning enemies. Even with god mode and no clip on, I couldn’t figure out how the level was supposed to be beaten.
So that’s Final Doom. It’s a complete and total piece of shit. Whatever Mike is playing is not Final Doom. Get rid of the mods, play the game properly, then let’s see how you do.
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Erin Plays and Mike Matei play spooky NES games! – Erin Plays (part 3 of 3)
57:00 – “Frankenstein on NES. Yeah, Shishi kept mentioning this.”
You can’t disappoint your number one fan.
“I don’t remember how I feel about that game.”
Eugh. Have to do this “joke” again. Erin “always” “forgets” how she feels about Frankenstein for the NES. BECAUSE SHE ONLY PLAYED IT ONCE, ON STREAM, FOR MONEY, BRIEFLY. It’s not a case of “forgetting”. It’s a case of NOT KNOWING. She has no experience with the game.
It’s not how the fucking language works. I don’t know anything about trigonometry. I never took a trigonometry class. So I wouldn’t say that I “forgot” everything about trigonometry. I’d say, “I don’t know anything about trigonometry.” I’ve NEVER known anything about it. So there’s nothing to “forget”. It’s a total lack of knowledge.
What is trigonometry anyway? Now I’m curious.
“”he branch of mathematics concerned with specific functions of angles and their application to calculations”
Oh yeah. Fuck that shit. Not to be anti-intellectual. If you want to learn that shit, by all means do so. But I’m not interested.
58:10 – “My BBM’s fucked up.”
At first, I thought that she said, “My BM’s fucked up”. That’s way more information than we need, Erin. Eat a banana or something. I don’t know what to tell you. But no. “BBM”. What’s a BBM? I have no fucking idea. I “always” “forget” what a BBM is.
58:45 – So the game starts and Erin says, “Oh, shit. I have played this.”
Earlier, she said that she can’t remember how she feels about this game. But from her subsequent comment, it’s clear that she didn’t recall the game AT ALL. Why didn’t she just say that? Everything has to be a lie with Erin. She’s incapable of telling the truth.
“Recently-ish. Meaning in the past two years.”
That’s recent in Erin’s mind? Playing a game briefly, on stream, for money, within the past two years? It’s ridiculous.
“I totally forgot this was what it was.”
We all know the joke. Let’s just move on.
58:45 – “I already drank almost all of my water.”
Who the fuck cares? Why would she say this? Negative charisma. That’s why.
1:03:30 – Mike is at the Grim Reaper boss of stage 1. Erin says, “There’s little Death. He looks cute.”
I’m getting very close to ending this.
1:04:00 – I’m glad I waited. Erin does the world’s worst Jon Lovitz impression. I don’t even get it. At all. She just looks down. That’s the impression. You know…Jon Lovitz is always looking down. I guess. What the fuck is this?
Oh. I had this video playing in a window but when you enlarge it, you get some more of the nuance. Here it is:
Yeah, that’s Jon Lovitz alright. He’s always putting his head down and looking up. Right? I guess? Erin is a real Rich Little.
Let me look this up. Maybe she’s right about Jon Lovitz’ mannerisms. I don’t know much about him. I enjoyed his work on The Critic and I know what he looks like but I’m not the world’s biggest Jon Lovitz fan.
I’m searching Google Images for a picture where Jon Lovitz is looking down like this. Nothing so far.
No. Nothing. And I even tried a few search terms to look for that expression. I have a vague feeling that he does do some weird expression but I’m not seeing anything. Anyway, I’m sure that Erin’s impression is dead on. She’s all about Jon Lovitz.
What other impressions could Erin do? Why not Britney Spears? Maybe she can put on some kind of Britney Spears costume for Halloween. Then maybe she could sing a little. Dance a little. Shishi would shit his pants.
Or what about Gene Rayburn? Erin is a big Gene Rayburn fan, or as she calls him, Ray Borne. She could put a brown three piece suit on and ask some inuendo-laden questions. “Dumb Dora is so dumb that when the baker asked if she wanted extra cream in her buns, she pulled down her blank.”
Man, I’ve been there. Bakers always asking if you want extra cream in your buns. I won’t say how long it took me to come up with that.
1:04:30 – “When I was little, the first nightmares I remember were being about J-Lo.”
Fascinating stuff, Erin. Maybe I should just think of some more Dumb Dora questions.
“Probably means something. I should probably talk to a professional.”
Yeah, it means that you’re fucking boring and possibly racist. Let’s talk about something interesting for a change.
I wouldn’t mind putting some extra cream in J-Lo’s buns, though.
Mike ignores all of this, by the way.
1:05:00 – Erin asks something about the game and Mike says, “I don’t know. I haven’t played this in ten years.” Erin replies, “Yeah, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do here.”
I’m done. Let’s check out the comments.
- “I would love a misses that playes games mfm you lucky duck”
Misses indeed, you fucking retard.
- “Erin got a nice little wap”
I have no idea what this even means.
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Erin Plays and Mike Matei play spooky NES games! – Erin Plays (part 2 of 3)
Alright, Erin and Mike. What do you got? What spooky Halloween game is next?
Oh, that was Mike’s question as well.
Mike: What video game to play now?
Erin: I got a new cup, though. Look. It’s pretty. So for Halloween they had like purple and they also had a green and an orange one.
Erin was unable to answer the question so she just started talking about colours, perhaps her only true passion. “What game do you want to play next?” How is she possibly going to answer that, Mike? You know even more than I do that Erin has NO INTEREST and NO KNOWLEDGE about video games. You live with this parasite. You see that she never plays games. You hear her totally ignorant comments about video games all day long. How could you possibly expect her to name a spooky NES game that she wants to play? SHE DOESN’T KNOW ANY!
So colours. You guys like hues, right? Orange. Red. Green. All good choices.
She’s a moron and a fraud.
Then she starts talking about how she doesn’t care much for Starbucks coffee. So don’t go.
Maybe Erin should apply for a job at Starbucks. It would certainly pay more than what she’s getting from Youtube and Twitch. WAY more. Folding money. Plus, you can probably get some free doughnuts and whatever every day. I don’t mean stealing them but a good manager lets the employees have whatever stuff is left over at the end of the day. Let me look this up. It surely varies by store but let’s see what sort of perks Starbucks employees get.
It seems that you can get free drinks before and after your shift. “Partner drinks” they call them. Cringe as fuck to call your employees “partners”.
Another thread says that you get a free drink and food item each day. Yeah, this is normal. You get a free lunch when you work at these places.
Anyway, back to colours.
37:30 – “He says he was playing Family Feud on NES. Oh, that’s cool. We like to play…uhhh…the ummm…I can’t talk.”
More lies from super retro game enthusiast Erin Plays. She’s all about Family Feud on the NES. Ricky Lawson. Jay Crumb. She loves that show. Watches it all the time. It’s her favourite.
“I hope you had fun at Portland. I wanted to go but it didn’t work out this year.”
Yeah, she also tweeted about this. She tweeted about how did she didn’t go to the Portland Retro…something. Some nerd convention. It was her fifth consecutive year of not attending. I talk about this complete non-event here:
Erin is the Cal Ripkin Jr of not doing shit. She’s gone 35 consecutive years of not doing anything. Keep that streak going, Erin. You’re doing great.
37:45 – “So anyway, what are we playing?”
Well, that was the original question, Erin. Mike wants to know what YOU want to play. He’s being polite. It’s your stream. YOU pick the games.
So she just starts reading from the chat. The horntards are always there to help fill in the gaps of Erin’s memory. She “always” “forgets” what game she wants to play.
Nightmare of Elm Street. Family Feud. These are really great choices. And Erin says that she hasn’t played Nightmare on Elm Street in a while. Yeah. Not since that stream that she did a year ago or whenever.
They decide on Monster in My Pocket. Then Erin says, “Then maybe after that we can do Concentration…Classic Concentration.”
Mike gives her a quizzical look. What the fuck does Concentration have to do with Halloween?
And do you know who calls this game “Classic Concentration”? NOBODY. The game show was just called “Concentration”. But Erin uses the official title because she doesn’t know jack shit about the game show or the NES video game based on said game show.
Yes, when they did the intro for the show they would call it “Classic Concentration”. This was, I guess, to indicate that it was closely replicating the gameplay of the original game show, which ran from 1958 to 1978, according to Wikipedia. But that original game was just called Concentration. And in the 1980s remake, Alex Trebec (the host) and everybody else just called the game “Concentration”. NOBODY called it “Classic Concentration”.
Certainly, when I was sitting at home sick from school or in the summer or whatever, I never said, “Hey, Classic Concentration is on. I love that show.” I called it “Concentration” like a normal human being.
But Erin doesn’t know anything about this shit. She might have seen one episode. Under duress. The show was cancelled before she was born. But now suddenly she’s an expert. She’s all about “Classic Concentration”.
40:00 – She’s reading from the chat.
Erin: Target of Dollar Tree for my Halloween decorations? It’s a combination of vintage…some of it’s Target.
Mike: Dollar Tree? This is from the 1950s.
Erin: You’re from the 50s.
Negative charisma from Erin.
41:00 – “I haven’t played this in a while.”
We know, Erin. Whenever you played this on stream, for money, that’s when you last played it.
41:30 – “I forget there’s a double jump.”
Erin “always” “forgets” that there’s a double jump in Monster in My Pocket. Probably because she no experience playing the fucking game.
41:00 – “Oh my god. Is he wearing like sandals or flipflops or house slippers?”
Nobody gives a shit.
And while she was saying that negative charisma bullshit, Mike was trying to talk about whether or not the sprite looks like him. She basically ignored it because she doesn’t know what to say. She’s incapable of having a conversation.
43:45 – “Do I have another attack? I don’t remember.”
Eugh.
45:45 – Erin couldn’t “remember” the name of a game that she did a recent video on. So, of course, the horntards remind her. “Yes, Harley’s Humongous Adventure. Thank you. I totally forgot.”
Uh huh. “Forgot”.
She has NO IDEA how to play this game, by the way. Worst Monster in My Pocket footage ever recorded. And she says that she likes the game. It doesn’t show from the gameplay. She just going around in circles. On a LINEAR platformer.
46:30 – So then she goes around the level a second time and says, “What am I missing?”
Did you “forget” how to play the game, Erin? This is level 2. You “forgot” how to finish level 2?
“I think I’m missing something because this is the second time I’ve gone up here.”
And she tries to go down a coffee cup like it’s a pipe in Mario. What a…how can she “forget”? And she “forgot” that the cups in this game don’t work like warp pipes in Super Mario Bros?
46:45 – “I keep going in circles. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know how to progress.”
Indeed. She “forgot” everything about this game. Level 2. She can’t “remember” how level 2 works.
47:00 – You know what she had to do? Jump in the right spot. That’s it. She missed an obvious her first time. Erin “always” “forgets” the obvious jumps.
49:00 – Erin pronounces “schtick” as “stick”.
She’s a big Yiddish fan.
49:45 – I think that Mike starts petting a cat off-camera. What is this? They have a cat? Why wouldn’t they mention this? Why wouldn’t they show the fucking cat?
Yeah, it must be. Because he’s bending over and saying, “You’re so good.” He’s either talking to a cat or his own penis.
Why they haven’t shown this cat or ever talked about it before, I have absolutely no fucking idea.
Then Erin says, “Twitch kitty.”
CAN WE SEE THE FUCKING CAT? This is ridiculous. This is how you get views. You show the fucking cat.
What if there is no cat and this is all just some kind of a joke? They’re pretending that a cat is in the room but there’s no cat.
50:15 – “Oh, he’s shooting me with things.”
Erin “always” “forgets” that the level 3 boss shoots things.
50:45 – Mike goes to feed the cat and Erin reads from the chat. “Remember Barbie on the NES? Yeah…that game. Eugh. That’s the most…that’s the most fucking bizarre game. Oh. The really fucked up one is the version on Gameboy? I…what did I do recently where I talk about it? But I could do like — I talked about — what — oh my god. What video was it? Was it Ocean? No, not Ocean. Mmm…Hi-Tech.”
Erin “always” “forgets”…everything.
51:30 – So then Mike returns with a green hat and no cat.
Has she mentioned this fucking cat on Twitter? No. Not that I’m seeing. Why wouldn’t she post pictures of the cat? I mean, I don’t give a fuck. I’m not looking for cat pictures. But people who get cats tend to post pictures of them. Especially people who are big time Youtubers, for example.
No cat.
Erin: That’s the wrong holiday, Mike.
Mike: No, this is my Halloween costume.
Erin: Oh. Are you a leprechaun? Did you get Lucky Charms? I want Lucky Charms.
Mike: I’m Milligan.
Erin: (clueless) Cool. But where’s the charms?
Mike: Aren’t I charming?
Erin: Hahahaha.
Mike: Those are the charms. Ha dash ha.
Erin: (in nerd voice) Erin’s not impressed with Mike’s stupid jokes. She hates it.
I don’t know if this is a reference to Erin thinking that I would write about this or not. Because I wasn’t even going to before she said that.
But what I find interesting that Erin didn’t know who Milligan is. I didn’t either but then I looked it up.
https://disney.fandom.com/wiki/Milligan_Wetherall
It’s from a recent Disney show called The Mysterious Benedict Society. Erin isn’t watching that? Mike is obviously watching it. Why isn’t Erin? Erin is all about Disney.
57:00 – Mike doesn’t want to play any more so they turn the game off. We can stop here. Still an hour of fun to be had here.
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The Time I Went to Graduate School
Every Sunday, I’m going to talk about why I left the US, the process of moving, and my adventures in the UK. Sort of a biography ala James Rolfe, but for free, and in serialised form, and not written by Newt Wallen.
I’ll start with graduate school because this was the pivotal event. Had I not gone to this graduate school, I never would have left the US.
I wasn’t a good student in college. I got B’s and C’s and only managed to graduate by finding the easiest classes with the professors who pass everybody. I’d never studied for a test in my life. I don’t even know how. I also rarely did the assigned work. I just showed up every day and was able to bullshit my way through the tests. Fortunately, there were a lot of essay tests.
I remember one such test, it was on a book, and I didn’t even read the book. Not one page. I didn’t even buy the book. It was a book about smoking called Smoked: Why Joe Camel is Still Smiling.
So the test was some weird bullshit with just one question: “Why is Joe Camel still smiling?” Basically, summarise the book.
I didn’t fucking read it. So I just wrote a bunch of facts about smoking. And it was a politics class and the professor was a communist so I framed it in this sort of fashion. The tobacco industry is making billions of dollars. They have a history of exploiting farmers. They’ve successfully lobbied not to increase tax on cigarettes because they know that higher prices on cigarettes is the main reason why people stop smoking. Shit like this.
The tests get graded and the professor actually read my test answer to the class as an example of a good answer. The shit that I was saying probably wasn’t even in the book. But it didn’t matter. I was able to fake my way through it and I got an “A” on the test.
Graduation is getting close. I start panicking because I don’t know what to do with this useless degree. So I ask a fellow student what he plans on doing after graduation. “I’m going to be a rock star.” Well, okay. He wants to give an asshole answer. But I guess he just didn’t know what to do either.
I didn’t want to work. And I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what sort of jobs I should look for. I had no idea. I had a couple of part-time jobs during college and it wasn’t anything remotely prestigious.
So I said, “Fuck it. I’ll go to graduate school.”
I applied to ten or fifteen schools. All bottom-ranked places, because that’s the only sort of place that I could get into. Aside from my poor grades, my standardised test score was also really low.
I was accepted into two schools. One was the absolute bottom ranked school in the country and the other was…less than bottom ranked. But how much less, I didn’t know. It was a fairly new program at this school.
So I decided to go to the place that wasn’t the absolute bottom-ranked school in the country.
It was a long way from where I lived, but whatever. It’s fine. See a different part of the country. I got an apartment fairly near to the school and it was fine.
I also took out student loans. $50,000 for the year. But this is normal. This is what everybody does.
I had no concept of what it meant to owe $50,000. I went to a public, in-state university as an undergraduate and the tuition was reasonable. Nowhere near $50,000. I had no idea how long it would take to be able to repay this much money. I didn’t know what the monthly bills would be. It’s just, I’m going to school, it costs $50,000/year, here’s the money. I didn’t need a co-signer or anything. I didn’t have any previous credit experience. Nobody cared. They just gave you the $50,000.
This was also 20 years ago. The internet wasn’t what it is today. The information wasn’t out there.
So I get to the school, I’m looking at some of my fellow students, and I’m thinking, “Some of these people aren’t very bright. How did they get in here?” Then I’m thinking, “I’m not very bright. How did I get in here? They seem to take anyone.”
We get assigned to read a lot of shit but I don’t read any of it because this is what I did in college. But on these tests, you can’t just fake your way through it. You have to actually know what was written in the books. So I didn’t do well.
As the year went on, more and more people were leaving. There was a big drop after the first semester, when the grades came out.
The school had a harsh grading curve. The average grade in the class had to be a C- or something. And in order to continue to the next year, you needed a C average. So statistically, a large number of the students couldn’t continue to the next year.
This was all by design. It was a scam. They admitted students who had no business being in graduate school. Who had no prospect of completing the programme. And they had this grading curve that made it statistically impossible for large numbers of students to continue on to the second year.
This was all set up to get as many $50,000 tuition fees from as many people as possible. And this was all guaranteed loan money.
So I didn’t finish the first year. My grades weren’t good enough.
It was embarrassing. I moved all this way. I had to tell my family what happened. Now I’m right back where I was, with not knowing what to do in terms of employment, but now I also owe $50,000. This was a complete waste of a year and I have this massive debt now with nothing to show for it. And the school was a fucking scam.
But I had to do something. I had rent and bills to pay in addition to this massive student loan debt. So I started looking for work.
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Erin Plays and Mike Matei play spooky NES games! – Erin Plays (part 1 of 3)
That’s some costume, Erin. Thanks for making the effort.
It wasn’t too long ago that Erin would release four Youtube videos in October and however many Twitch streams and she’d be in a “sexy” costume in every one of these videos. She even once said that she was going to wear “sexy” costumes YEAR-ROUND. Not just for October.
Now what do we get? Erin in a jacket. This isn’t sexy. Shishi is watching this, he waited all year for this, his tiny dick is in his hand and…this. Erin in a jacket.
Oh, but they’re going to be playing WANPAKU GRAFFITI. This is one of Erin’s “favourite” games. She doesn’t even know the fucking name of the game. She made a Youtube video on this game and played it a couple of times on stream, for money.
0:15 – Mike is talking about WANKPAKU GRAFFITI and says, “You get a shotgun”. Erin says, “Yeah. I always forget about that part.”
What a way to start a stream. Erin “always” “forgets” that there’s a shotgun in WANKPAKU GRAFFITI. Probably because she only played the game three times in her life. Briefly. But yeah, it’s well known that there’s a shotgun in the Splatterhouse games, amongst people who have actually played the games.
0:30 – Mike describes the game as a “cute em’ up” because, presumably, he doesn’t know what the fuck the term means.
Erin has an inkling that what Mike is saying is incorrect. But she can’t put it into words. Because she doesn’t know anything about video games. But she knows that something isn’t right about this.
So after some hemming and hawing, she says, “Cute versions of games is what we’re saying.”
Well, it’s not what Mike was saying. He was saying that WANPAKU GRAFFITI, a side-scrolling platform game, is a “cute em up”.
By the way, this is off topic and I feel bad saying this, but Mike really struggles to read. Watch him reading anything in a game. There will be text in a game and he’ll read it out loud. He just skips any proper names because can’t read it. I don’t get it. Was he not taught phonics? It was all the rage when we were kids. He’s about the same age as me. Just sound the word out, Mike. He can’t do it. It’s unfortunate. He wasn’t given a proper education. He’s been failed.
4:30 – “I am very open. I’m probably too open. I’ll be like, ‘Hey, guys. I can’t breathe right now’ or ‘Oh, yeah. My hand doesn’t work today’. ‘Bad carpal tunnel day. I can’t breathe.”
This isn’t being open. These are lies. It’s the opposite of being open.
9:15 – “I like this game a lot. This is second year Erin Plays, I did a video on this.”
The first of three times, in her life, that she’s played this game. She likes it “a lot”.
So she’s playing the game, WANPAKU GRAFFITI, by the way, and she keeps hitting the attack button even when there’s not a single enemy on screen. Why is she doing this? I guess that she forgot how to play video games. Erin “always” “forgets” how to play video games.
10:30 – Some flying cross hit her. She says, “Fuck, I forgot about this part.”
Uh huh. YOU DON’T PLAY THE FUCKING GAME. STOP THE FUCKING LIES.
This is not a result of “forgetting” the game. She doesn’t fucking play it. She played this three times in her life. Briefly. For a Youtube video or on stream, for money. That’s it. Just admit it. We all know and we don’t care.
It’s the first level, by the way.
11:00 – Erin is talking about a TikTok video that she made. What? Is she back on that? She made a handful of GOD AWFUL videos, years ago, and then I thought she gave up. Let me check.
https://www.tiktok.com/@erinplays87
Oh, she has indeed. Six videos this year. I missed all of these. I’ll have to review them in a separate video. I’m sure that they’re all excellent.
14:30 – “This is kind of like Adventures in the Magic Kingdom, isn’t it?”
A game that she played for a Youtube video. And I think streamed once or twice, for money.
16:15 – “I forget if I have to kill the chairs too.”
Eugh. Moving on.
18:45 –
Mike: I always like this game.
Erin: It’s so good. It makes me happy.
Literally. THREE TIMES IN HER LIFE. That’s the number of times that she played this. Why can she not just be honest?
20:15 – She died so handed the controller to Mike, citing hand problems. Uh huh.
21:30 – Mike is at a boss.
Mike: What do you do here?
Erin: You…have to keep killing — this is hard. So you have to keep…uhhh…you have to keep trying to go forward.
Mike: How? That’s what I’m asking.
Erin: You have to…hit…every mouse. In like…I forget. There’s like a technique to it and I’m blanking. Trying to remember. Yeah, you have to like jump and do it. I think. I don’t know. I don’t remember. I just remember this part sucks.
Brutal. Just be honest with people and then you don’t have to repeatedly look like a lying jackass in every stream.
So when Mike said, “How do you do this part?” Erin could have just said, “I don’t know, Mike. I only played the game three times in my life. So your guess is as good as mine.”
What’s so hard about that? What’s so hard about being honest? Nothing is easier than telling the truth. Lying is difficult. Try telling the truth for once, Erin.
Then Mike figures it out. You had to press some other button. Like a “run” button. Erin “always” “forgets” about the run button.
Then Erin is reading from the chat. “I did beat this before”.
You couldn’t guess by her complete lack of “remembering” ANYTHING about the game.
24:15 – Erin is reading from the chat. “Erin changes her name to ‘1 HP Erin’ and then she’s literally put on life support for her terrible allergy and the doctor says, ‘She’s literally 1 HP Erin.’”
This is comedy to these people? Imagining Erin on her deathbed? I don’t care much for Erin but that’s going too far.
25:30 – She’s talking about some game. I don’t know. “People will say, ‘Well, are you playing it on a CRT?’ Yes. I have a fucking retro game Youtube channel for five years. Like, I think I know that you play it on a fucking CRT. ‘Well, are you doing this?’ And I’m like, ‘It didn’t fucking work. That’s why I’m using the D-pad.’ Because I did a video on it like two years ago.
She’s a real retro gaming pro, that Erin Plays. How dare anybody question her retro gaming knowledge and experience? Five years of having the world’s worst, most ill-informed, fraudulent, retro gaming Youtube channel. This makes her an expert. Anyone who doesn’t recognise this is a sexist retard.
“I love that video but there are so many comments like, ‘Well, did you know that it has to be not on an HD television?’ Motherfucker, do you know who I am?”
Is she being serious?
“It’s like, look at my fucking channel. All of my videos are retro gaming videos.”
Yes. And you exhibit a shocking lack of interest, knowledge, or ability in ALL of them. We see the videos. That’s exactly why people are questioning your fucking credentials. You’re a fucking fraud.
Mike: (in retard voice) Are you sure it’s a CRT and not like a flatscreen LCD?
Erin: I’m going to be like, “Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to? Some normie ass bitch? I know what I’m doing.”
She can’t be serious. But I think that she is. She doesn’t have a fucking clue what she’s doing. She’s a total fraud. Any moron can see this.
Is it possible that she thinks that she’s a real “gamer”? She’s convinced herself? She’s told so many lies about this that now even she believes it?
If you only play video games for Youtube videos or on stream, for money, you’re not…do I even need to explain this? I have three years worth of articles detailing exactly why Erin is a complete and total fraud. She knows NOTHING about video games. She only started playing them when she started her fucking channel five years ago. And she NEVER plays games in her spare time. Not for one fucking second. She has no interest in any of this. It’s a scam to shake down retards for money. Erin is the epitome of the fake gamer grrl.
Mike: Meanwhile, that fucker has like a plasma television from like 2006.
Can Mike possibly believe any of this? Mike thinks that Erin is genuinely interested in video games? He can’t think that.
And his argument is insane. The type of television that one has determines whether or not one is a real “gamer”? It’s ridiculous. Nobody uses this as the test for determining if somebody is a “gamer” or not. There are plenty of people without CRTs who enjoy retro video games. And there are plenty of people who have CRTs who are complete and utter frauds. Like Erin Plays, for example.
26:45 – “I’d understand if I was somebody who’s like, “Hey guys! I usually play Overwatch but today I’m going to try a retro game. Like, if it was out of my realm of what I do then I would get it. But all I do is retro, pretty much.”
The person who plays Overwatch may very well be an actual “gamer”, though. On the other hand, you’re a total fraud, Erin. Having a fraudulent Youtube channel for five years and a CRT doesn’t change anything.
Although, it does raise a philosophical question. How many years of being a fake “gamer” on Youtube and Twitch does it take to become a real “gamer”? Because even though she’s just playing for Youtube videos or on stream, for money, she’s still playing the game. She’s gaining some experience with video games.
I can say that five years isn’t long enough because we can see that Erin still doesn’t know jack shit about video games. She “always” “forgets” everything. She has no interest in this shit.
But in ten years? Twenty years? I don’t know.
Maybe if you only play video games for money, you can never be a real “gamer”. Because real “gamers” play video games for their own enjoyment, not for money. Although, I suppose you could enjoy playing the game while getting paid. But Erin clearly doesn’t enjoy playing the games.
But just look at the volume of time that she’s playing video games. It’s maybe two hours a week? Something like that. Is that enough to consider yourself a “gamer”? Most “gamers” play video games two hours a day, easily.
Even two hours a week is a fairly long time to spend on a hobby, though. If you were a coin collector and you looked at your coins for two hours a week, I think that that’s enough to consider yourself a coin collector. Or if you crocheted for two hours a week, I think that’s enough to consider yourself a crochet enthusiast.
I don’t know. It raises some interesting questions. But what I know is that Erin, as of today, is not a “gamer”. She has no interest in video games. She has remarkably little experience with video games. She has almost no knowledge of video games. And she never plays video games in her spare time. Ergo, not a “gamer.”
31:30 – They’re talking about emulation versus real hardware. Erin says, “When I started Erin Plays, I was like, ‘Everything has to be authentic.’”
Uh huh. Erin is all about authenticity. She’s a real “gamer”. She’s using this bizarre definition, that she got from Mike, that having real hardware makes one a “gamer”.
No. It’s about what you enjoy doing. If you enjoy playing video games, you’re a “gamer”. It’s as easy as that. You can have all the consoles and CRTs in the world but if you don’t like playing the fucking games, as Erin doesn’t, you’re not a “gamer”.
32:15 – “Back in 2007, when I started getting more into retro stuff, because I grew up with the Super Nintendo but (incomprehensible mumbling) before that I started to learn with like DSNES(???) and shit. It’s like that got me REALLY into games again. You know?”
Oh, we know. When I think of retro gaming enthusiasts, Erin Fucking Plays. Who knows more about retro video games than her? NOBODY.
In 2007, she was just chilling with the DSNES. What the fuck is that? Is this an emulator that passed me by? Let me try to figure this out.
No. Not that I’m seeing. This is nothing. Let me listen to this again.
ZSNES? I think that’s what she’s saying. But she said “Zee-Sness”. She said “SNES” as a word. Like British people do. And how Americans DON’T do. And this is something that Mike regularly rants about. He doesn’t like people saying “SNES” as a word.
I always called this “Z-S-N-E-S”. Letters. Like a normal American who knows about video games. So of course, Erin didn’t pronounce it this way because she doesn’t have a fucking clue about video games.
“Because I got, like, kind of out of it for a while.”
This is…just constant lies. Lies and mendacity.
“And then I got into buying the original hardware stuff.”
Uh huh.
33:00 –
Mike: Wait. Do you like video games?
Erin: They’re alright.
Mike knows that she’s a total fraud but for whatever reason, he continues to feed the lies.
33:30 – “It’s so funny. Watching video game content used to be an escape for me, like after work, and now it’s not. It stresses me out.”
Remember going to work, Erin? Remember the feeling of doing an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay? Why don’t you try it out again? It beats scamming horntards for pennies, doesn’t it?
I’m at 35:30. We can stop here.
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Didn’t Expect To Find This At A Video Game Convention – Zap Cristal
What didn’t she expect to find at a nerd convention? I’ll say…a guy who had sex with a woman.
0:00 – Whoa! She’s getting the titties out. This is Zap “Too Hot to be an Influencer” Cristal, for those who don’t know. She got this moniker from a HORRIBLE nerd convention panel that she did a few years ago. I talk about it here:
Was it really only a year ago? Wow.
“One of the best ways to connect with the community is visiting gaming conventions.”
She might be right. All the more reason NOT to go to these things.
I’m not saying that I’m The Fonz or anything but the people who go to these video game conventions seem to revel in being undatable nerds. They’re dressing up in gay little outfits, they’re pouring gravy on their burritos, they’re going to panels lead by complete nobodies like Zap Cristal. What’s the appeal to any of this? What normal adult would ever want to go to such a thing?
And if you’re going there to try to pick up chicks, forget it. First of all, the odds are heavily stacked against you. There’s like one woman for every fifty guys. And the few women who are there tend to be wives or girlfriends who were dragged along by some guy. And in any event, any woman there is going to be seriously undesirable. Some fat, green-haired freak who’s looking for a fourth guy to be in her “poly” relationship. No thanks.
0:15 – So anyway, Zap went to Pittsburgh Retro Gaming Expo. She’s from Texas. She shows a map of the screen of her route that bears absolutely no resemblance to the route she actually took. It was just a random zig zag thing that she found on the internet.
0:30 – She did a panel with her husband. Hopefully, we won’t be seeing much of that. God. I can not believe that she’s still being invited to panels after that GOD AWFUL panel she ruined by just talking about how hot she is.
If you haven’t seen the video, there were like five women there, the subject was some generic “women in gaming” thing, and Zap made it all about her. All about how hot she is.
Zap is a chubby, middle aged mother in Texas.
0:45 – I’m not sure what message we’re supposed to get from this serious of videos. First, it’s Zap French kissing a Pac-Man statue. Then in the very next video, there’s a kid about to roll dice but it obviously looks like the “jerking off” motion.
Is Zap trying to tell us something? Something about how hot she is? And she uses this kid as an example? It’s gross.
1:00 – “I’m excited because I just bumped into NES Pro Magazine. I am a writer for them.”
Oh. So this is just more self-promotion from this woman.
Then she shows you the article that she wrote in the magazine. Nobody gives a shit. Talk about something other than yourself. Please.
2:00 – Oh, what do you know. A 400 pound guy with some kind of “comedy” fedora and a fat green-haired woman. Actually, I guess it’s more of a “comedy” bowler hat.
Zap is there. Watching them play some board game. Looks like fun. This is really how I want to spend my time.
They could not pay me enough to go to this shit. I don’t know how those cosplay girls do it. The ones that they pay to attend. Those women must REALLY need the money to agree to be around these absolute dregs of society.
2:45 – You guys like really loud musical montages, right? With generic, royalty-free music? Then strap in.
4:45 – Cringe as fuck “sexy”…I don’t even know how to describe this. Let’s just move on. I don’t want to think about this any more.
6:00 – A toddler looking at a pink R2-D2. This is fucking terrible. Who would go to this thing? What responsible parent would bring their children to this? And how did such a person procreate in the first place? We can’t see the mother. Probably 400 pounds and green hair.
6:30: Then the nerd who made this pink R2-D2 gives a look at the internal workings and points out the kill switches. You know…in case this pink R2-D2 ever becomes sentient and starts going on a murder spree.
Then the creator of this thing hands the pink R2-D2 head to his wife. His wife is 400 pounds. At least she doesn’t have green hair.
I don’t like commenting on people’s appearance like this but…you can’t fucking miss it. Obesity seems to be the norm at these nerd conventions. Why? Why can’t you be a giant nerd ANY watch what you eat?
I understand that playing video games or building pink R2-D2s is a stationary activity. So you’re not getting any exercise. But LOADS of hobbies are stationary. You don’t see many obese crochet enthusiasts. Or stamp collectors. Or whatever. But video games seems to either attract really fat people or create really fat people.
And the guy who made this pink R2-D2 is 500 pounds.
7:30 – Zap Cristal says, “I played video games when I was a young little lad, back in the day.”
I…what? She was a boy? Did I mishear this? She said “lad”, right? As opposed to “lass”?
What a fucking moron. Either she’s coming out as transgender or she thinks that “lad” means “kid” or something.
“But nowadays, I don’t really have time to play games.”
Oh. Sure you don’t, James Rolfe. Zap is just too fucking busy. I don’t think that she has a job, but I don’t know. Maybe she does. I’m not sure why I think that.
7:45 – “So I went to the tabletop section and I was like, ‘Oh my god. Oh my god. It’s your girl.”
And she’s dancing while saying all of this. Oh my god. I do not want to see this. This is cringe as fuck. Zap thinks that she’s a hot chick. No. You’re a fat middle aged Texan. Think of your son. He has to go to school. You’re a total fucking embarrassment.
So she ended up playing Dungeons & Dragons with some GIANT FUCKING NERDS. Even though she didn’t play the game before and she didn’t know the rules. She just wanted more attention. She thinks that she’s a hot chick.
And look at this fucking crew. Pause the video at 8:24 exactly. A fat, middle aged guy in a flannel shirt; a fat guy in his 30s in a flannel shirt; a fat middle aged woman; a fat 12 year old mixed race girl; a fat, middle aged Texas woman, and the dungeon master is a fat, middle aged guy.
Then the camera pans out to show the two remaining people in this game. A corpulent middle aged man; and a fat middle aged guy with a ponytail wearing some kind of wizard attire.
What the fuck. Who would possibly want to go to this thing?
Then Zap says, “I kicked everybody boo-tay in that session.”
Now, I’ve never played Dungeons & Dragons but…is that how the game works? Isn’t it a cooperative game? Aren’t you fighting monsters as a team?
But no. Zap kicked everybody’s ass. The first time playing the game. She’s just a natural Dungeons & Dragons pro. She kicked the shit out of that 12 year old girl.
8:00 – Then there’s some cringe as fuck bullshit by this dungeon master as he recreates an orc getting hit in the chest with a +1 sword of flaming or something. This guy’s flaming alright.
The fat middle aged woman just avoids eye contact while he’s doing this. She wants to be anywhere but here. She’s re-evaluating her life. Trying to pinpoint where it all went wrong.
9:15 – “This is my son’s favourite activity. By the way, he’s behind the camera.”
How creepy is this? This woman’s son is filming his mother, who’s showing a lot of cleavage and dancing around talking about what a hot chick she is. Can you imagine such an upbringing? Social services should be called.
“Mom, I really don’t want to film you dancing around in your little MILF outfit talking about how sexy you are. It makes me uncomfortable. Can somebody else do this? Or just get a fucking tripod?”
Then she just talks about this cringe as fuck video game musician.
10:30 – “I am originally from the East Coast. I am from New Jersey.”
Oh great. Newt will be happy to hear that. Newt is always inspired by people from New Jersey who become big success stories. Like Zap “Too Hot to be an Influencer” Cristal over here.
And for somebody from “the East Coast”, she sure does say “ya’ll” a lot.
Then she starts like, pretending to have an orgasm over bagels. Is that what she’s saying? Or is it “bake offs” I can’t make it out. “Bagels” would make more sense unless bake offs are a big thing on “the East Coast”.
“Hey. Mom. Can you not have an orgasm on camera here? It’s making me really uncomfortable.”
11:30 – Now we’re getting some “power tips” and she inserted audio of children screaming. It’s just weird as fuck. All of this is bizarre.
And…there are no tips. Not one. She teased this shit at the start of the video. She said that at the end of the video, there would be some tips of what to do at nerd conventions.
So what did we get? Just “click here for another video”. That’s what this was. It was all just to advertise another video. People don’t enjoy being lied to. You’re not going to get views like this. And this video has 900 views after two days. She has 5,000 subscribers.
- “The community aspect of conventions is really why I go. I could find items on ebay, but I can’t find human experiences.”
Very sad comment. Maybe lose 200 pounds and you’ll be able to get a girlfriend.
That’s what this is. It’s enormous people, overwhelmingly men, whose obesity prevents them from forming relationships. So they pay to go to these nerd conventions to pretend to have friends for a day. It’s sad.
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Is The New Hellraiser A Worthy Reboot? – Tony from Hack The Movies
New co-host. I can picture how this came about.
Johanna: Hi Tony. Sorry for calling you so late. I’m in Disney World again so can’t film one of your little videos.
Tony: Fuck. Now I have to find another fat chick with no charisma. Which one of my scumbag acquaintances can I scrounge up for this one?
Ohhhh. I’ve read the description. It’s his cousin Monica. How nice.
What are the odds that Horseface is going to talk about how hot this woman is? And do you suppose that she has a “sexy” Instagram? Or even an OnlyFans or Fansly? Let’s find out.
Well, here’s her Twitter:
Nothing interesting there. She also has an Instagram.
https://www.instagram.com/storyintheend/
It’s private. And the public picture is her at her wedding, I assume. So maybe this is a normal person for once. How refreshing.
I also had the same jacket as this woman, back in 1994, when flannel was fashionable. So it’s a good start. I’m cautiously optimistic.
I’m six minutes in and Crystal is REALLY OBNOXIOUS. She keeps talking over everybody. I don’t want to fucking hear it.
I’m thinking I might take a nap already. Let my subconscious deal with this shit.
I think that Tony is cutting his hair shorter. Maybe he should just buzz it all the way down. Because his hair is thinning.
I’m at 14 minutes. Horseface HAS NOT SHUT UP. She’s ranting about homosexuals in Hollywood and how it’s wonderful that they create their homosexual visions so openly now. Wow. Horseface is really progressive. Extra brownie points for Horseface here.
17:15 – Horseface interrupts Tony to talk about an orgy scene. She is fucking awful. And she CAN’T STOP TALKING. It’s AWFUL.
God. I can’t with this. She’s not shutting the fuck up. At all. This fat chick hasn’t said ANYTHING. She’s not given a chance.
Let me check out the comments while Horseface drones on about hot chicks or whatever.
- “Damn, Tony’s cousin is hot.”
Dude. Come on. Is this a joke? I can’t tell. It very well may not be. These horntards have no standards whatsoever.
- “I was gonna say your cousin was cute, but then I found out she loved Hellraiser 4”
No. They weren’t joking.
20:45 – Back to the video. Tony asks what the term is when a man solicits a prostitute. It’s “John” but Tony isn’t sure. Horseface doesn’t know either. She says that she doesn’t know enough about sex work.
Uh huh. But anyway, yes, of course it’s “john”. How can you not know this? It’s common knowledge.
23:15 –
Tony: Then we have our main character Riley. She’s getting ploughed by her boyfriend.
Horseface: Yeah, she is!
Tony: Then he pops the “L” word out a little too early for her.
Horseface: Don’t do that. Guys, don’t do that. Oh, can I just tell you, the most awkward thing that’s ever happened to me during sex was this guy literally said, “We make cute theatre babies together.” I was like, I don’t know what the fuck was that.
Tony: What the fuck does that —
Horseface: Because he knew I liked theatre and…like, that was it.
Horseface. Please. Listen to me. NOBODY FUCKING CARES! Take your boring, pointless sex stories and shove them right up your fucking ass.
Horseface: This was right after I graduated high school.
Tony: (clearly exasperated) Okay…
Horseface: And I was going to school for theatre, and he’s like, “Ummm…naked girl, she likes theatre”. Just, you know what, just don’t talk?
This is advice that Horseface should be taking right now. This fat chick clearly doesn’t want to listen to this shit. Tony clearly doesn’t want to listen to this shit. And I, along with everyone watching this who isn’t a horny retard, also don’t want to listen to this shit.
The story is fucking stupid and goes nowhere. She just has to talk about sex constantly. She has to promote the illusion that she’s a hot chick and people want to have sex with her. She’s not and they don’t. Fucking look at her. We’re not blind.
24:00 – Tony asks if Horseface is in therapy. Horseface says, “I actually am. I have a Fansly now and it pays for my therapy.”
They bleeped “Fansly” out because, apparently, you can’t say that on Youtube.
Then Tony starts talking about how hypocritical it is for Youtube to say that they support women but not when women want to make porn. I’m not sure if Tony understands the full argument but let’s move on.
Then Horseface says that Fansly isn’t a porn site and attempts to continue this absolute bullshit lie but Tony interrupts her. You know why? Because this is supposed to be a review of Hellraiser. Right? Why are we talking about a horsefaced woman having sex? I don’t want to hear that. It’s revolting.
I’m going to have to stop here. Will Horseface talk about hot chicks in the movie? Almost certainly. Will she give some more nauseating and pointless sex stories? Yeah, probably. But I don’t give the slightest of fucks about any of that. This is supposed to be a fucking movie review. Get rid of this loud, obnoxious, narcissistic retard so that maybe people can actually get a word in edgewise and perhaps discuss the movie.
Let me search the comments for “Crystal”. This is how Horseface reads the comments as well.
- “Thank God Crystal is back without that mouthy Newt guy.”
Did this guy just wake up from a year long coma?
It’s like on Reddit, I saw a comment asking what happened to Rental Reviews. It’s been gone for like three years, you fucking moron. How can you not know this if you’re such a big fan of the show?