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Ranking the Best and Worst Shoot’em Ups – Cannot be Tamed
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K88pGcUqJKg
Sixty-seven minutes of Pam ranking random shooters. You have to be out of your mind. Who’s going to watch this?
Fortunately, she time stamps everything so I can just look at the games that I’m familiar with…which…looks like none of them. Great. This could be a short review.
0:00 – “Hi. I’m Pam. And I’m wearing a black top.”
Good stuff, Pam. Really entertaining.
0:15 – She defines “shoot ’em up”. Who cares?
Wow…this just keeps going.
GET TO THE POINT, PAM! NOBODY CARES!
3:15 – Finally. What the fuck? That was the longest three minutes of my life.
Now she’s defining her grading system. We know all of this. “S” is the best and “D” is the worst. You don’t have to go through each one.
4:15 – Finally, she starts talking about the games. I’m already checked out, though. So let me look at the timestamps.
16:15 – She has this one listed as “Cuphead (but not really)”. She just talks about how she considered putting Cuphead in this list but decided not to. So…what was the point of this?
21:00 – Galaga. Great. I know Galaga. What does Pam think about Galaga?
She gave it a “B”. Great. Most of the games she’s done so far have got “B”s. No “S” yet. Pam is a harsh grader. I’d like to know more about her methodology. Maybe she can do a separate 45 minute video where she goes more in depth about her Tier Maker grading methodology.
23:00 – Gradius. I know Gradius.
She doesn’t like it. She gives it a “C”.
41:45 – Parodius.
She doesn’t like this either. So it gets a “C”.
Both games are deserve a higher ranking, of course, but who cares?
I think that we’re done. I might know more of these games but this is brutal. Who cares about Pam’s opinions on random games?
1:05:15 – “I feel like I was a little stingy with the S’s and the A’s, especially at the start.”
So she noticed her grading was too harsh so started giving stuff higher grades as she went on. That’s terrible. This sort of grade inflation. She has to re-do this whole thing now. Because if you’re a game at the start of the alphabet (she did this alphabetically) you’re graded more harshly than if you were at the end of the alphabet. That’s not fair. I call bullshit on this whole Tier Maker. It’s totally invalid. And Pam should have her Tier Maker license revoked.
– “*gives Pam a big hug cuz she seems frazzled”
Pam replies with “???”
The horntard comes back, “Sorry you looked kinda tired and super annoyed with some of those games. Being that I really like your smile and energy when you’re happy, I wanted to help you feel better.”
Absolutely zero awareness. You’re not going to get a date with this creep show bullshit.
I liked Burai Fighter on Game Boy. I played that thing loads, even though by modern standards it probably sucks. People were more easily entertained back then. I must have beat it a hundred times with no deaths.
Some old, fat guy named Nazmie gives Pam 79.99 ZAR. What is that? Let me look this up.
The currency in South Africa. It’s about five US dollars.
Somebody else gives her $2. Pam “hearts” these comments where somebody gives her money but doesn’t bother replying.
Let’s check out her Twitter.
https://twitter.com/Jasyla_/status/1536691645088940039
She promotes her latest Petee’s Power Hour, where she drones endlessly with other pretentious bitch about wine. HARD PASS, PAM. NOBODY is watching this shit. NOBODY.
https://twitter.com/Jasyla_/status/1535745986257211393
Whoa! Get your tissues ready for this one. Pam is…I don’t even know. She put a flip in her hair like this is the 1970s. And she’s wearing way too much makeup as per usual. Are we supposed to be jerking off to this?
Well, Erin replies, at least. “My hair can’t hold a curl either (unless I have extensions in.) I feel your pain. Looks good though!”
Riveting stuff, Erin. Get a personality.
https://twitter.com/Jasyla_/status/1533295806362664962
Pam posts some pictures of her in front of a green screen with some other losers. She says, “This is either a music video or some kind of weird porn.” The horntards, predictably, get all excited.
If you’re jerking off to any of that, you have some real problems.
https://twitter.com/Jasyla_/status/1532798484067278849
She took her dog/lover to the vet for some vaccine. What the fuck? What vaccine? Do dogs get vaccines? Especially an old dog? She was getting her third covid booster, I guess.
And then Pam complains about the local election results. Some conservative party won the election and Pam doesn’t care much for that. It makes absolutely no difference who wins but people like to pretend. Makes them feel like they have some purpose in their lives.
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MintSalad is on Fansly
https://fansly.com/titsmintsalad
Before you rush off to subscribe, there are no nudes. And what is there…is just gross. There are pictures of her bending over, for example, and even the censored version is nauseating. I don’t want to see the uncensored version. And would it kill her to do some sit ups? You’re doing porn. You need to look your best.
I’ll give Madam Fomo credit for one thing. She seems to work out. She’s posted comments on Twitter about her going to the gym or whatever. Because she’s out there selling these shit “lewds” so she knows that she has to be in good shape. Not just average shape. Good shape.
With these OnlyFans type things and even “sexy” Instagrams, so many women don’t approach it the right way. It’s not a case of, “Well, I just had two chicken chalupas and a nachos BellGrande from Taco Bell, I guess it’s time to take some quick selfies for the horntards.” No. The horntards deserve quality.
I don’t want to see some mentally challenged hillbilly from Kentucky, with a gut, bending over and pretending to be a puppy. It’s gross. Come on.
Her pimp, that fat retard, probably put her up to this. It’s the same with Madam Fomo and her pimp TuanX.
She says that she does jerk off instructions for $100. I don’t need any masturbation advice and certainly not from this dullard. I figured out how to jerk off many years ago. My advice to MintSalad is to get some dignity and shut this down. This is pathetic.
And it’s not making any money. Of course. None of these things ever seem to make money.
You see guys talking about how easy it is for women to make money nowadays. They just have to debase themselves on the internet.
I see the debasement but where are the women who are making money from this? Obviously, the women at the very top are making some money, the women who are 10s and taking all of their clothes off and are in great shape and have big tits and are putting things in their ass.
But cheesecake photos of Johanna from Hack the Movies? No fucking way.
In one respect, what MintSalad and/or her fat pimp are doing is clever. And I know it’s clever because it’s my idea.
I’ve long suggested that these gamer grrls should release their normal, boring reviews on Youtube as per usual. And then they should release another video, on OnlyFans (or whatever) that’s the exact same, boring review but they appear naked in the portions of the video where they appear on screen.
Mint Salad isn’t quite doing that but she has “bonus content” based on her Youtube videos. So in her Youtube video, she’ll review a movie while wearing something “sexy”. Then you go to her Fansly and there will be more pictures of her in that outfit, presumably of a raunchy nature.
So…has there been a torrent of new viewers of her Youtube videos? No. She still isn’t cracking 500 views with any of this shit.
Oh, she actually gives her height and weight in the biography section. Five foot seven, 147 pounds. Oddly specific. But that looks…average at best. Let me look at a height/weight chart.
According to the good people at Rush (whatever that is) “normal” weight for somebody who’s 5’7″ would be 121 to 158 pounds. So she’s only 12 pounds away from being “overweight”.
https://www.rush.edu/how-much-should-i-weigh
I’m surprised that they don’t have different figures for men and women but that’s how this BMI thing works, apparently.
Compared to her fat fuck pimp/boyfriend, Mint Salad is in great shape. But that’s not the test. Mint Salad might pass for a hot chick in rural Kentucky but when you decide to sell yourself on the internet, you’re competing with women all over the world.
Go to MyFreeCams and see how many good looking women only have two horny losers in their chat. Most of the women fit this description. There are 1000 women on there at any given time. Only the hottest chicks with the biggest tits and the most stuff in their asses are making any money. Everyone else: nothing. These women are debasing themselves for nothing.
The jobs are out there. There’s no need to do any of this. I include Youtube in this. You can go to Walmart right now, make more money, do less work, and you don’t have to bend over and spread your cheeks for the whole world to see.
And Walmart is just the least imaginative option. There are loads of jobs out there that don’t require a degree and pay decently. Go find them.
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Severin Films: Mardi Gras Massacre review – Newt Wallen
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqG1OrMvbWI
Oh. More tits and gore. This never gets old.
So he got a DVD from some vendor who was at this nerd convention. The vendor made the DVD but…this movie is from 1978. I doubt it’s the same company who made the movie.
No. It’s just a company who buys the distribution rights to old, shitty movies.
1:15 – This DVD was some kind of “deluxe” edition so it came with a tits and gore comic book. Newt shows the cover and some pages. He notes that there’s a lot of nudity in the comic.
2:00 – There’s also a novelisation of the book. Well, that’s interesting, I guess. Even the comic book is unusual. But doing a novelisation of a 45 year old, little-known, tits and gore movie? It’s a total waste of time but it’s interesting that somebody would go through this much effort over something that can’t possibly be a financial success.
And who’s going to read this thing? Not even Newt is going to read this.
So somebody wrote a book that quite possibly NOBODY is going to read. There’s something intriguing about that.
2:45 – Newt describes the movie as “surrealist art porn”.
It’s just boring. I’ve never been so bored with nudity in my life. Hearing this weirdo go on about tits and gore several times a week really debases the whole naked lady thing.
6:45 – Newt goes on an odd tangent about being “woke”.
8:15 – Newt suggests that he would show this movie to people who come over and ask, “What’s a fucked up, fun movie that we could watch?”
Isn’t it gay to watch porn with your friends? And if they’re women, it’s just creepy and totally inappropriate.
That’s the video. This is short. There’s nothing on Newt’s Twitter to pad this out. Just his usual mentally ill bullshit about bad scripts that he wrote in two days.
Oh wait. Here’s one.
https://twitter.com/stillnewtwallen/status/1533282278545268736
“Shot out 4 reviews today at the studio with ceeceepoliz and FallonVendetta”
I omitted all of the spammy hashtags.
But is this his movie review project that he was talking about? Because neither of these women are PVC Bondage Girl or Mel.
FallonVendetta is a prostitute who was in some shitty movie that he was somehow involved with and the other woman is…a makeup artist and mother who I assume he also met while somehow working on some shitty movie.
These people are not good. We don’t want to see fucking prostitutes and “nerdy” vegan soccer moms. We want PVC Bondage Girl and we want Mel.
Why the fuck would he put a prostitute on this thing? It’s not even about pulling in the horntards in this case. Newt just wants to be around prostitutes. So he’ll pay these women to be on his shitty Youtube show.
This right here ruined any chance that these videos are going to be even remotely watchable. This is pathetic in the extreme.
Obviously, even having PVC Bondage Girl and Mel as his co-hosts would be pathetic and an obvious attempt to pull in horntards and pay sluts to hang out with him. But at least they worked with him. There was some plausibility that they were on the show because they were friends and they all enjoyed movies.
But some dumb prostitute, covered in tattoos, and her big fake tits? No. Go get a fucking girlfriend.
And look at the body language in that second picture. Newt is trying to put his arm around that prostitute and she’s all covered up in a defensive position.
There is no chance that this is going to work. None. It screams desperation. Instead of looking for people who might have interesting things to say about movies, he just got local prostitutes. He’s paying these women in crack.
Every move is the wrong move with Newt. How can somebody make so many bad decisions? I’ve made the same observation about Erin. I don’t know. Some people just don’t make good choices. Maybe there’s an element of wanting to ruin your life. There’s a self-destructive thing going on.
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The Worst Director's Cuts We Have Seen! – Tony from Hack The Movies
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BX-u9ApgHnU
I haven’t watched the video yet but in theory, this one should be good. In theory.
No Horseface. No women at all (not that women are inherently a problem but Tony finds the worst women possible just to pull in the horntards). It’s not a horror film. It’s “only” an hour long. And, theoretically, it’s not just going to be Tony summarising a movie. They’re going to talk about various director’s cuts. Although, I think that this is basically going to be a “review”/summary of ET.
Anyway, let’s check it out.
0:00 – Two bearded nobodies. Why does everybody have a fucking beard on this show? They’re all completely interchangeable. I don’t know one bearded guy from the next. Which bearded guys are these guys? I think that one of these guys is the faggot who banned me from the Cinemassacre sub-reddit so I automatically hate one of these guys. But which one is it? I don’t even know. Maybe neither of these guys banned me but it doesn’t matter. Some bearded fuck from Screenwave banned me (I think) so now I hate all of the bearded fucks at Screenwave.
Maybe I’m old school but it’s not a very professional look. Think of how many “gaming” “Youtubers” have beards. Tony from Hack the Movies, John Riggs, Joe from Gamesack, Norm the Lazy Historian, Ian from the Pat and Ian Show. I can go on. Do any of these people scream professionalism? They’re just lazy fucks who can’t be bothered to shave every day.
Perhaps I’m biased because I can’t grow a beard. I got a razor from the Gillette corporation when I was 18 years old in the mail. I didn’t ask for it, they just sent it. They must have had some database of people’s ages and addresses. I used that razor every day for probably two years. Never replaced the blade. Didn’t have to. Then they sent me another razor and that got me through another two years at least.
It was obviously some marketing scam to get me hooked on the product and start buying the overpriced replacement blades. But no. I didn’t need it. I didn’t need shaving cream either. None of this shit. Just a two year old, dull blade, run it under some water, shave for ten seconds, and I’m done.
0:15 – But first a word from our sponsor.
Oh great. We get to see Mz Jessica. Horseface claims that Jessica is a hot chick, but she says that about just about everybody. No. Jessica is a butch lesbian. Nothing wrong with that. But…not a hot chick.
By the way, the product they’re shilling for screams scam.
And why is Jessica still working there? Is she still an intern? Maybe she got an actual job there.
Wow. She posts A LOT of stuff about Amber Heard on her Twitter.
https://twitter.com/jessdaydreaming
2:00 – So both of these guys are from Movie Dumpster. I’ve never seen that and I never will because of the aforementioned Reddit incident.
By the way, I don’t recall ever watching ET. Not in its entirety anyway. I was with my girlfriend over Christmas and it was on tv but I was asleep for part of it. As a kid, when we first got a VCR, a family friend brought a tape of ET over, which was a big deal because tapes were expensive, but I don’t remember watching it. I might have seen bits of it on tv over the years.
I didn’t give a shit about movies when I was a kid. This was in the 1980s. I knew that the movies were shit. And I was right. The 1980s has to be the worst decade for cinema. There’s a lot of good movies from the 1970s. There’s good stuff in the 1990s. But the 1980s? No. It’s all commercial shit. It’s all just about maximising profit. No artistic value to any of this.
Television was the same. Saturday morning cartoons are a glaring example of this. In the 1970s, there were normal cartoons trying to entertain children. In the 1980s, it was all about selling you shit. Every cartoon was just shilling for a toy line. Then in the 1990s, they got away from that, due to growing outrage over this bullshit.
10:30 – This guy is annoying. One of the bearded guys. I don’t know which one. He’s probably the asshole who banned me. He’s screaming like a girl over here.
Oh, it’s Shawn. Let me look it up. I think that he is actually the guy who “moderates” that sub.
https://www.reddit.com/user/afrokola/
Yeah, that’s the guy. Fuck him.
21:30 – They’ve finished talking about ET. They discussed the changes that were made. Now they’re talking about other director’s cuts that they don’t like.
I just have this on as background noise now. But that’s what Hack the Movies aka Talking About Tapes is supposed to be. Background noise. And for that, it’s doing its job.
This Shawn guy is annoying but not annoying enough to turn this off. Is it Sean? I don’t give a fuck.
So I made it to the end. It’s fine for background noise. So we’re back on form. This is peak Hack the Movies aka Talking About Tapes. This is as much as we can hope for.
There was no horse-faced woman talking about how hot everybody is. No stupid shenanigans. Tony wasn’t summarising a movie. It was just two guys and an effeminate weirdo talking about movies. Nothing interesting was said but I listened to it.
Here’s a bonus video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=padYrOUN6NY
Tony is giving an update on the channel. He puts it on his “clips” channel for the six people who go there.
He’s going to make one video per week now, instead of the two that he’s been doing, because he’s doing other stuff. There’s whatever his job at Screenwave is and he’s making a movie. He gives no details on the movie. Probably for the best. Newt would just steal the idea, shit out a script in two days, and beat Tony to the punch.
There’s also a new $10 tier on Tony’s Patreon. What do you get for $10/month? Computer wallpaper of Horseface. Whoa! Sign me up!
That has to the worst fucking reward in the history of Patreon.
Some people in the comments suggest that if Newt was still around, he’d be able to cover that second show. It’s an interesting idea, I guess, but seeing as how he apparently wasn’t getting paid for these appearances, why would he do that?
Someone else suggests that Horseface and Johanna could do the second show. I think that it’s the same issue. The only one getting paid for these things is Tony, as far as I’m aware. So why would somebody agree to do half of the work for none of the money? I don’t even really know why anybody appears on these shows for free in the first place. The “fame”, I guess.
But if Tony approached me to appear on the podcast, the first question I would have is, “How much are you paying?” “Nothing? I’ll need more than that.”
Wait a minute. Do you suppose that Horseface is getting paid for that Patreon wallpaper? Surely, she must be. Tony is directly profiting from her likeness.
The whole thing is shady. Isn’t this why Bootsy left Cinemassacre? He wanted to get paid for his appearances? Mike Matei and/or James Rolfe found this to be outrageous suggestion.
It’s ridiculous. Of course they should get paid. Who works for free? They’re profiting off of these videos in perpetuity and you’re getting NOTHING. If you don’t want to give a share of the revenue for the videos that they appear in, at least make a one-off payment for every video they appear in. A hundred bucks a video or whatever.
How much is Hack the Movies even making? Let’s check SocialBlade. It can’t be much.
About $9,000/year. Then Ryan takes his 20% for doing nothing. Well, I guess he’s supplying the studio space. But is that worth 20%? No. Anyway, that would be $1,800/year. That leaves Tony with $7,200/year. Let the good times roll.
It’s absolutely not worth doing. Two videos a week? Or now one video a week?
Why do this? Go see if your job at Gasper Home & Garden is still available. It’s more money for less work. I don’t get it. That’s the only calculation you ever have to make.
I guess that he’s not living off of this. He has a normal job. This is just extra income. But still. Two videos a week for $7,200/year? No fucking way would I do that.
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James Rolfe / Interview w/ Ken Watanabe CW S2 Ep40 Part 1 – Cinemassacre
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBSgAxP4BOc
Okay, I’m going to have to try to explain this one.
The channel is called Creative World. They describe themselves as, “an American TV talk show by TC Studio”. Then they continue:
Pandemic has affected everyone regardless of the countries or who they are. Many people are uncertain about their future, especially the young generations. We have started this TV show We introduce established and successful professionals from various industries as well as the diamonds in the rough, and through their experiences and advice, we hope to encourage our viewers and younger generations to live their life positively and take a step toward their goals and dreams.
Are you noticing anything unusual about the use of language?
The channel started about a year ago. Here’s their intro video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhXDkme8LJU
It’s a Japanese guy who lives in Santa Monica, California, I believe it was. And at the end, they tell you the show is on from 6:00 -6:30, on Sundays, on KXLA channel 44. What is this? Let me look.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/KXLA
It appears to be a channel showing Asian programming. Some stuff is in Mandarin, some stuff is in Cantonese, and some stuff is in Korean. I’m not seeing any Japanese stuff here but…I don’t know.
And what is the content that they’re showing? Is it like public access stuff where local Asian folk do stuff or are they showing programs from Asia? I don’t know.
So the Youtube channel is, I think, clips from this tv show. It’s mostly interviews with people in the entertainment industry. I guess. Not people who you would have heard of but…people somehow involved with music or tv or films. He also sometimes interviews Japanese people who have some kind of story to tell. They do traditional Japanese crafts or they make sake or they sell ramen or something.
The guy doing the interviews, who I assume also produces this program, is Shin Matsuba. He describes himself as an “actor”.
https://www.imdb.com/name/nm10322594/
He only has six acting credits, all from the past two years, and none of them are impressive.
So James Rolfe is on this show. This show for Asian people in the Los Angeles area, on a little-known channel. Let’s check it out.
0:00 – It’s sometimes a little hard to understand what this guy is saying. He has trouble with “R”s and “L”s like Asian people tend to do.
This looks like a joke. He has this weird background. It looks like some wacky Japanese game show. And everything is subtitled in Japanese.
0:45 – With the introductions over, we get to the interview. It’s done via Skype or something.
Wait. Why didn’t Jimmy do this in person when he was in California recently? That would have been something. Maybe the opportunity hadn’t yet presented itself.
Shin: Hello James. Thank you very much for joining us today.
James: Well, thank you very much. I appreciate the introduction and the interest in having me here. So I’m very honoured.
Oh my fucking god. This is offensive. “Oh Chinaman. You honour me very much.” That’s what he’s doing here. Just listen to this. This was a deliberate choice of words. I’m surprised that he didn’t do an exaggerated bow.
By the way, James has the words “A multi-talented online celebrity” under his name. Super Gaijin Go Go Man.
Oh, this is edited to shit. They must have edited out every time Jimmy had to look at his notes.
2:00 – “Where do you get your ideas from?”
What ideas? James Rolfe hasn’t had an idea in many years.
2:15 – Jimmy is talking about his home movies involving local children. He describes this as “developing my craft”. Come on.
What have you done lately, Jimmy? What have you done in the past 25 years?
Imagine you’re interviewing Quentin Tarantino and he just talks about his childhood home movies. It would be completely insane. But Jimmy has to go that far back because he hasn’t done anything. He’s still trying to coast on home movies that he made as a child. It’s sad.
4:15 – James says that he was still working on wedding videos in 2007. That’s surprising to me. Doesn’t seem that long ago, but I guess it was.
5:00 – Now Shin is asking about any hardships that Jimmy suffered and what the breakthrough moments were. These aren’t very hard-hitting questions. I’ll just say that.
It was just technical shit. He had a hard time with releasing videos before Youtube and whatnot.
6:30 – “How has Godzilla influenced you?”
I don’t even know. I listened to the answer but I don’t know what James said. He was just waffling. Something about having nightmares as a child.
8:00 – “Are there any current or future activities that you’re working on right now that you can share with us?”
AVGN. “That’s how I support my children.” “I once made a whole feature film on the Angry Video Game Nerd.”
WHAT ARE YOU DOING CURRENTLY OR IN THE FUTURE? THAT WAS THE QUESTION. NOT “WHAT DID YOU DO A DECADE AGO?”
And this is really, really, REALLY edited. The amount of work that the editor had to do to make James sound coherent must have been immense.
“I’m so happy with how it turned out. It’s really, really awesome. It’s really entertaining to me when I watch it. So I basically made the type of movie that I’d want to see.”
Well…there’s one person who enjoyed it.
10:00 – “There are some other big projects that I’m working on this year but I don’t want to say what they are yet.”
Uh huh.
“Some music projects.”
Oh. That piece of shit.
“And a book that might be out by this point. I’m not sure.”
It’s not, Jimmy.
So…nothing. Rex Viper and that autobiography. That what he’s working on.
10:15 – “What are the necessary factors to succeed as a creator and a performer?”
What the fuck. This is James Rolfe. He spent seven and a half years in special education. Enough of these job interview-type brain teasers.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
What’s your best quality and your worst quality?
Who’s your hero?
11:00 – Now he’s talking about his childhood movies again. What the fuck?
11:45 – “What does the word ‘creative’ mean to you?”
Do you ned a fucking dictionary, Shin? クリエイティブ Knock yourself out. Jimmy isn’t giving TEFL lessons here.
Maybe that could be James’ next career. This Youtube thing is coming to an end soon.
Oh, but he has children. I’ve never heard of somebody with children going to Japan or where ever to teach English.
Wait…what? Then Jimmy holds up a piece of lined paper that says “SELF” on it. And it looks like a child wrote this. What the fuck? So he had this prepared in advance. Jimmy was given these generic interview questions in advance and they STILL had to edit this to shit in order to make Jimmy not look like a complete idiot. Or attempt to.
Anyway, that’s not what “creative” means. What the fuck was this? Jimmy needs some TEFL lessons himself.
How to end this? It was bizarre. It was boring. I have no idea why any of this happened.
What alternative media outlet can Jimmy appear on next? Maybe Russia Today. Maybe he can appear on Sabado Gigante. Does that exist any more? I remember watching this as a kid because there would always be some big-titted Mexican woman on there.
Aw no. It ended in 2015.
Oh, maybe Jimmy can do an interview with Al Jazeera. Give his opinions on Israel.
So get to work, Screenwave.
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Jurassic Park Movie – The NES Video Game Review – The Irate Gamer
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Ey-eiX6VqY
Another delightful video from Chris BORES. How much homosexual bullshit is he going to pack into this one? There’s only one way to find out.
0:00 – “So here we are on the dawn a new Jurassic Park movie.”
Yeah. That’s why he chose this game. Everything has to be a lame tie-in to a new movie or whatever. Everything has to be an attempted cash grab. How about making a video on a game that you think would make a good subject for a Youtube video? No. That’s ridiculous.
And why is everything so dark. Come on, Chris. You’re not at the gay bar. Turn some lights on.
0:15 – Chris BORES knocks his Jurassic Park display stand a little bit, this surprised him, but he didn’t bother re-shooting this. This is a minor issue, I guess, but why didn’t he just re-shoot this?
Anyway, he said, “Moms were freaking out because they brought their young children to the cinema and didn’t realise that dinosaurs were eating PEOPLE. So they left during the middle of it. Now, this might be an odd thing to hear about today but you have to remember, back then, nothing like this had been done in cinema before.”
Uhhhh…what? Jurassic Park was not the first film that had dinosaurs eating people. Is he out of his mind?
First thing that I think of is Godzilla but I’m not sure if he ever eats anyone. Does that even matter, though? Is it just the eating of people that these theoretical mothers were allegedly objecting to? That would be an oddly specific complaint. They’re okay with all of the violence and mayhem but don’t want to see people getting eaten.
King Kong ate people. That was in 1933. “But King Kong isn’t a dinosaur.” I know but it’s on this list:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_films_featuring_dinosaurs
And would these phantom mothers be okay with a giant ape eating people but not okay with dinosaurs eating people?
There must be fifty movies that have dinosaurs eating people that all pre-date Jurassic Park. Easily. I don’t want to go through this list looking for scenes of people being eaten though. It’s just common sense. You have all of these B-movies from the 1950s to the 1970s. They must be full of dinosaurs eating people.
0:30 – “Since this movie scared the crap out of so many kids, it’s even more crazy that this title was even made for the NES, especially since director Steven Spielberg was also involved in that whole ET video game debacle eleven years prior.”
What? Obviously, Steven Spielberg had absolutely nothing to do with either the ET video game or any Jurassic Park video game. What the fuck is the relevance then? Why say this? It doesn’t make any sense.
1:00 – Chris BORES is making a stupid face. Who is this for? Who’s laughing at this?
And for some bizarre reason, he had The Sabre Dance playing.
1:30 – Chris BORES complains that the “iconic” music from the movie isn’t in the game. What music? I don’t remember it. I saw the movie when it came out. Couldn’t have been that iconic. Let me look this up.
Oh yeah. This isn’t very iconic and it doesn’t lend itself well to a video game. Especially given the limitations of the NES.
2:00 – A Mr DNA character becomes poorly animated and is Chris BORES’ friend. It’s voiced by Chris BORES, of course. Chris BORES then has a totally pointless and uninteresting conversation with himself.
2:30 – Mr DNA (Chris BORES) can’t pronounce “triceratops” so Chris BORES says, “Are you feeling okay?” to which Mr DNA says, “Oh, yeah. Sorry. I’m just getting over a bad case of blue balls.” And then the DNA helix turns blue. Chris BORES replies, “Oh, damn. I’m sorry to hear that, buddy. That’s rough.”
Here’s the first homosexual reference of the video. Chris BORES has mentioned “blue balls” at lesat once before. Probably multiple times.
https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2020/07/irate-gamer-vs-avgn-epic-crossover-dick.html
It just doesn’t make any sense. Why does he insert this gay shit into the videos? I’ve never heard anybody talk about “blue balls” ever, in my life. Does such a condition even exist? I only know about it from bad 1980s/1990s movies about high school. And even then, I can’t think of any actual examples.
Why is he obsessed with this? It’s not funny. It’s gay.
3:30 – Then, for no reason at all, he shoehorns a Diehard clip into the video. This isn’t in reference to blue balls, it’s just…some other bullshit.
5:00 – He describes a level as “ass wrenching.”
Uh huh. I’m sure that Chris BORES does a lot of ass wrenching.
Then he makes a lot of stupid faces as he pretends to be “irate”. He’s not even playing the game, of course.
5:45 – What is he saying here? “Ox bullet fuck”? Must be some gay code.
7:00 – More stupid faces from Chris BORES. And he says, “T-rex turducken”. Or something. More gay code, I guess.
“Stop eating me, you dick face.”
Probably not the first time Chris BORES has said that. But again, it’s barely comprehensible. What’s wrong with him? Take some elocution lessons.
7:30 – “Game over? Oh, no. It’s more like game raped”.
What? I know that the young people used to say “raped” in video games as in “owned/pwned” but first of all, I don’t know if they say that any more, and secondly, it’s obviously very offensive. Why would he put this in the fucking video? I suspect that it’s another gay reference. He’s into some weird shit. Rape fantasies and whatnot.
Then it ends with terrible animation, writing, and acting as Chris BORES inexplicably kills Mr DNA or whatever his name was.
This was fucking shit. Let’s look at the comments.
– “hey Irate Gamer howdy. can you please do a collab with erinplays? that would be awesome”
That’s an actual comment. What would such a “collab” even be? It would have to be done over Skype, presumably. Nobody is going to travel for this.
It would just be like that awful AVGN/Irate Gamer “collab”, which was the same as these other “collabs” that Chris BORES did. He would pay somebody on Cameo to say some shit and then he would awkwardly splice these clips into the video. Who would want to see this? All of those videos are absolutely horrendous. It was the world’s dumbest idea.
– “Love your reviews and if I’m being honest…..you’re kind of hot”
That was from BeaverBoyKrunk. So yeah, that guy’s gaydar is working. Chris BORES is CLEARLY GAY. I’m not saying this as an insult. It’s factual.
That’s fine. Nobody cares. This isn’t the 1950s.
But why does he have to put all of this weird gay shit in the videos? “Boner biting dogs”? Really? Come on. No judgement but it’s disgusting.
– “Hahaha blue balls, you are the best Chris, keep up the good work.”
There’s another gay man appreciating the gay references.
– “Irate gamer you are the YouTuber id most like to get a beer with.”
Yeah. At the gay bar. Chris BORES “hearted” this comment. He seems receptive.
By the way, Chris BORES only got to level 2 in this video. It’s further than I got when I was a kid but it’s not good for a review. I had the Game Boy version. The game was shit. I barely played it.
-
LIVING DEAD WEEKEND – Newt Wallen
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXqQD-jKG9g
Excuse the all-caps. That’s how Newt did it. Newt needs attention.
He’s at some mall. There’s a nerd convention. He bought a table to promote his various projects. The comic and his shitty movie ideas and whatever.
0:15 – Newt claims that people came from Ohio and Kentucky to talk to him. Then he says that the vendor next to him doesn’t understand why anybody would do that.
It’s true. There’s no fucking way that anyone made a 500+ mile trip to talk to Newt at a shopping mall. It didn’t happen. But Newt seems to believe that it did.
Maybe these people were going to come anyway. Maybe they wanted to go to the convention. Maybe they happened to be in Pennsylvania for some other reason and just decided to go to the convention to kill some time. I can believe all of that. But there is no way that anybody would have come just to see Newt.
0:30 – He introduces Liz of Lounge Lizard Designs. She makes guitar straps and belts. Good for her.
Here’s her store:
https://www.etsy.com/shop/LoungeLizZardDesigns
Newt didn’t link to it anywhere but I found it. It seems to be all guitar straps and face masks. I’m not seeing any belts. Maybe I misheard that.
A silk face mask. Do you suppose that that would be an effective way to prevent the transmission of airborne diseases? It’s as useless as cotton or anything else, I guess.
She has some “Jewish print” masks too. She’s Jewish, I assume.
Why doesn’t Newt just start an Etsy to sell his comics? This is ridiculous. He said that he was going to have these available on the internet for May. It’s now the middle of June.
0:45 – “We were filming before and then my phone started ringing because she was telling us that she’s afraid of dogs now because she got bit by a dog. So she says, ‘No hands stuff’, which automatically I think, ‘butt stuff, you know.”
What? None of this makes sense. She gets bit by a dog, so she says “no hands stuff”. What’s the connection? Did the dog bite her hand? And why does Newt think of “no butt stuff”? Even if he did think that, why would he voice this? Why would he release a video to Youtube where he says this?
Then the woman starts talking. Her dog bit her and she can no longer bend her knuckle. It’s a pitbull. God. You really get some scumbags at Living Dead Weekend.
“But I like pitbulls!”
Then you’re a scumbag too.
So her dog got out from under this fat Jewish woman’s fence, attacked a small dog that was being walked by an old woman, and this fat chick intervened and her dog bit her.
The dog should be put down. Clearly. But here’s this woman talking about how much she loves her sweet little doggie. This is fucking disgusting.
So this woman’s finger was actually detached from the dog biting it. She was trying to remove this small dog from her dog’s mouth.
2:15 – “I saw the other dog’s brains.”
She’s telling this story and we’re supposed to feel sympathy for her? Is that what this is? She’s the one responsible for all of this. She has a dangerous dog who killed another dog and…we’re supposed to feel sorry for this fat Jewish woman.
2:30 – She says that she removed her aggressive dog from the scene, she was dragging it by the collar back to her home and the dog was fighting her the whole way. It had the small dog’s blood on it and her blood on it.
So anyway, as a result, this woman now can’t watch gory movies where somebody’s hand is being mutilated. Any other kind of mutilation is fine but not “hand stuff”. And Newt thought of “butt stuff” while listening to this story, because he’s an idiot.
This thing happened two years ago. She still can’t move her finger. She’s presumably never going to get use of her finger any more.
What happened to the dog? I guarantee that she still has the dog.
3:15 – Then Newt just awkwardly leaves that woman. Doesn’t say “goodbye” or “thanks for telling your story” or “I hope that you had your dog put down.” Nothing. He just leaves her hanging and introduces the guy at the table next to him. This guy starts hawking for a book that he wrote called Moving Through. “It’s punk rock as hell.”
Well, that doesn’t entice me. What the fuck is the book about?
Then he takes another book, “If you like disgusting shit, you’ll probably like this. It’s not very long.”
I can’t even read the title. It’s a black cover and it’s hard to read. And he doesn’t say what the title is.
3:30 – Then rather than ask anything about the books, Newt says, “So can you tell people that people were actually here to meet me this weekend. Nobody ever fucking believes me.”
The guy looks confused for a second. Why the fuck did Newt say this? This is about this guy’s fucking books. Couldn’t Newt even ask ONE question about the books? Pretend to be interested in that shit? “So what are the books about?” Something like that.
I looked it up, and it’s tits and gore. Or at least gore. Complete trash. Nobody is reading that shit.
But no. Everything has to be about Newt.
So this guy says that there was a line of people to see Newt. Newt didn’t manage to catch this on film, though.
4:30 – Newt starts shilling for other conventions that he’s going to be at. One of them will have Ginger Lynn, “Adult film actress” in attendance. He’s mentioned this before. Complete scumbag Newt Wallen constantly talking about tits and gore. IT’S BORING, NEWT. No normal person gives a shit about this.
Then Newt interrupts this boring tits and gore story to promote his Puppet Plan 9 From Outer Space movie to a disinterested passerby.
5:00 – Newt says that he got to speak to George Romero’s wife because she wanted to see one of the puppets. Wow. THE George Romero’s wife? I’m green with envy over here.
“Tom Savini was also over at the table. (Totally incomprehensible guy) was over at the table.”
Newt is really making some waves in Hollywood. Geriatric tits and gore people were at his table. I can’t believe that he got to meet Totally Incomprehensible Guy.
That’s what you have to do. You have to get out there. That’s how you meet the movers and shakers in the film industry. At nerd conventions. They’re going to come to your table and say, “What the fuck is this trash” and then the next thing you know, you’re directing Hollywood blockbusters. It’s how Steven Spielberg got started.
“Who knew that Pittsburgh was kind of cool? I’m a Philly guy.”
Yeah. I always judge cities by how good their nerd conventions are. If there’s not a fat Jewish woman talking about her vicious dog, I want no part of that city.
And he didn’t even know that woman. He made that butt sex comment to a TOTAL STRANGER. This was Newt trying to be smooth. He was trying to have sex with that fat Jewish woman. How desperate can you possibly be? Well, I suppose that even that fat Jewish woman is an improvement over Horseface.
No PVC Bondage Girl or Mel in this video. We haven’t seen them in a while. Not since the last convention, I think. That was like six weeks ago, at least. Where are they? Maybe they’ve taken my advice and filed a class-action lawsuit against Newt for sexual harassment.
Comments.
– “Well, Newt, it’s finally happened; you’ve become more famous than Tony!”
Newt replies with, “Nope. Not even close.”
Why does Newt even care? The guy who wrote that was obviously joking. Tony from Summarise the Movies is not famous. But this is who Newt is competing with. Newt wants to be as famous as a guy who makes shitty Youtube videos.
The desperation from Newt is off the charts. Focus on making your shitty fucking movies and the fame will come or it won’t come. In this case, it won’t. But if he would actually focus on the fucking art of his projects and spend some time and effort on that, fame would naturally follow.
I mean, if you make a good movie, people are going to watch it and enjoy it, and word will spread. But if you make shit like Florida Man Saves Christmas and Shark Vampire, forget it. There’s no way.
Newt wants fame just for the sake of it. It doesn’t work that way. Fame is the result of doing something that people want to see. Nobody wants to see his shitty comics and movie ideas.
The problem is that he doesn’t have any ideas and he can’t write. So it’s fine. Do something else. This is not for you. We can’t all be big Hollywood directors. The world also needs movie theatre managers. Or whatever you want to do. But not this. REALISTIC jobs.
***BONUS***
Newt uploaded another video since I wrote that. He’s still in the mall. It’s the last day of this nerd convention.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32A7zlFIA0A
0:45 – He’s taking us out into the mall. Some movie was filmed here, apparently. He shows a Q&A taking place in front of a Dick’s Sporting Goods hosted by Ken Foree and Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre III. A lot of empty seats. There are maybe ten people in the audience. This is just sad.
Who is Ken Foree anyway? He was in Dawn of the Dead and Kenan & Kel. I’ve never seen any of that.
1:00 – Oh, there’s a Party City behind Newt. How do businesses like this still exist? Who goes to a party supply store? And you’re going to go to the mall for this?
They sell helium according to their website. That seems to be their big seller. I don’t know. Maybe it’s kids trying to get high on this shit. That’s what’s keeping these stores in business.
1:30 – Newt is talking about some guy who he talked to for two and a a half hours for his podcast. It might be this guy:
https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2022/03/two-and-half-hour-interview-of-newt.html
That interview is discussed in four articles but I link to them all at the bottom of that one. That guy promised a part two to that interview but nothing so far.
2:00 – Now he’s in front of a Track 23. What is that? Clothing store, I’ll guess. Yeah.
Then he moves to the WPAL Boxing Gym. It’s a place for kids to take boxing classes. Who would go to the mall for boxing lessons? You know it’s going to be shit. What reputable boxing gym opens up in the mall?
I know that it’s just something to keep kids busy but…there have to be more legitimate places to go. I had a similar problem with martial arts “dojos” as a kid. There were so many shitty, scam McDojos. It’s tough to find a legitimate place.
Just think about it. You’re going to go to the boxing gym in the mall right next to the Lil Bunny? Who’s going to be intimidated by that?
You’re a kid, some bullies are taking your lunch money, and you say, “You better knock it off. I’ve been taking boxing lessons.” And the bully says, “Oh yeah? Where?”. You can’t say, “At the mall next to the Lil Bunny.” Even if it’s a good program with good trainers who take this all seriously, the location is bad. It’s the worst possible location on earth for a boxing gym.
What is Lil Bunny anyway? Oh. An indoor playground for toddlers. Yeah. Come on. Nobody is going to take this boxing class seriously. It’s just a place to drop your kids off for a couple hours a week. If they learn any boxing there, it’s purely coincidental.
Anyway, some guy, who Newt describes as a “talented filmmaker” was watching some Midnight Show clips (this is one of Newt’s shitty projects) and said that it was “really, really good.” Uh huh. Who was that talented filmmaker again? Let me rewind this.
No name given.
2:30 – Some 13 year olds, who possibly just left that boxing gym, were asking Newt for advice on being a filmmaker. And Newt gave some advice, he doesn’t say what, but he also told them not to take his advice because he doesn’t know what he’s doing.
I don’t think that these kids need to burdened with your hangups and midlife crisis bullshit. They’re not going to be filmmakers. These are just childish fantasies. Most people grow out of them.
I wanted to be a stand up comedian when I was 13. By the time I was 14, that was no longer something that I wanted to do.
3:00 – Newt says that he sold 100 comics between these two conventions that he was at.
3:30 – Now Newt is in front of some movie poster that has his name on it. I don’t know what it’s for.
3:45 – Newt says that these vendor booths are inside a former Wet Seal. Is that a name of a store? Let me look this up.
Yeah. They sold clothes.
4:45 – Newt shows the Amityville Halloween script that he wrote in 48 hours. Why does he say this stuff? That’s nothing to be proud of. “I shit this out in 48 hours.”
Yeah. Nobody cares. Take your time and write something GOOD. For once. Anybody can write shit. That’s not difficult.
Oh, and this is a different movie from Amityville Arcade. So Amityville Halloween is another “original” idea from Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen. What’s next? Amityville Friday the 13th?
Oh fuck off. There’s also going to be an Amityville Halloween video game on the Unreal engine. OF WHAT? This movie script that you shit out in 48 hours? This has a video game tie-in?
Who the fuck is going to watch Amityville Halloween, assuming it even gets made? Nobody. Maybe a handful of the ladyboys who go to Newt’s channel. That’s it.
You’re going to make a video game for these ladyboys? How is this going to be at all profitable? None of this makes sense. You can’t make a game for a zero budget tits and gore piece of shit movie that you’re making in your kitchen.
This is just mental illness. Newt needs to stop all of this shit. There needs to be an intervention.
5:00 – Oh. No, the video game isn’t based on Amityville Halloween. That would be stupid, of course. The video game is based on a movie script from Newt “The Idea Man” Wallen which he describes as a “B-movie Dragon’s Lair.”
Mmhmm. Do you have ANY original ideas, Newt? Even one?
He promises a trailer for this game in late June. Who can possibly be working on this? Where is he getting the funds from? Where’s the market for a B-movie Dragon’s Lair game?
Even the original Dragon’s Lair arcade game is shit. I don’t want to play that. I certainly don’t want to play the bastardised/plagiarised Newt Wallen version.
It doesn’t make sense. Where is the market for a B-movie Dragon’s Lair game? A movie that doesn’t even exist? It’s just so fucking stupid. What is he doing?
6:00 – Oh this is awkward. So Ken Foree passes by. He’s the guy who was giving that Q&A to ten people. And Newt stops him. Oh fuck. I have to quote this.
“Mr Foree. Can I tell my story with you really quick? I will come and I will buy an autograph from you and all that stuff.”
Then Newt starts telling a story from his childhood. This guy looks uncomfortable as fuck.
So…oh fuck. I’ll just paraphrase. I can’t listen to this again. Cringe as fuck.
Newt saw Dawn of the Dead as a six year old because his parents were basically absent. Some older kids tried to scare Newt by saying that it was based on real events. Newt was trying to show that he wasn’t scared and said that he was related to this Ken Foree. I don’t know how that came about. I don’t want to listen to this again.
But basically it’s a racist story. How can a white man be related to a black man? Hehe. That’s really funny, Newt. Black people are different from white people.
And his story is full of profanity. He says “fuck” repeatedly. And this is an old man who he’s telling this story to. An old, disinterested man.
Then that guy races out of there. What the fuck was this?
7:30 – Then he shows the vendor next to him. That guy wants no part of this. He knows that Newt is a fucking weirdo. Everybody does.
-
Erin Plays and Mike Matei check out Pac-Man Museum + on Switch! (part 6 of 6)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPHSmqGqVQU
Previous parts here:
https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2022/06/erin-plays-and-mike-matei-check-out-pac.html
We’re in the home stretch here. Forty minutes to go. I can do this.
2:00:45 – Pac-Man Championship Edition.
Erin: Yeah, Championship Edition is good.
Mike: Mmm. This does not have Championship Edition 2, I believe.
Erin: I think that’s the one I used to play a lot.
Uh huh. I’ll bet. Well, the first one can’t be that different from the second one. Let’s see Erin really kick some ass on this game. She played the sequel “a lot”, after all. She should be really good, right?
She’s not sure if it was on the PS2 or the PS3. She played it “a lot.” And she’s suggesting that this was in her spare time.
When was Pac-Man Championship Edition 2 released?
2016. Uh huh. I’ll bet. She never mentioned playing this once. And it was for the PS4. The PS2 was long, long done by 2016.
She’s a big Pac-Man Championship Edition 2 fan, guys.
2:03:00 – The horntards are just naming Pac-Man games that aren’t in this compilation. By the way, nothing with Ms Pac-Man is in the game because there are rights disputes over the character. I looked this up. Neither Mike nor Erin chose to share this information. Presumably, they don’t know about it.
But then Erin says, “Is there a Vectrex Pac-Man game?
No. Fucking of course not.
What the fuck is this? Erin is all about the Vectrex. It’s her favourite system. She has all of the games. She doesn’t fucking know this?
I’ve never played the Vectrex, I don’t give a shit about it, and I know for a fact that there was no fucking Pac-Man on it. But somehow this information has escaped Erin.
So Mike tries to save this by saying that there might be a homebrew but not one that he knows of. Erin says, “Yeah, I’ve never played one either. Not that I know of.”
That’s because you don’t play Vectrex homebrews. You don’t play the officially released games. This is all a pack of lies, as per usual with Erin.
2:04:45 – Erin says that she doesn’t remember what to do in Pac-Man Championship Edition. She “always” “forgets” what to do in Pac-Man Championship Edition, I guess. Even though she just said that she never fucking played the game before. But she played the sequel “a lot”. On her PS2 or PS3. Even though the game didn’t come out on either system.
2:05:30 – “Yes, I played Ms Pac-Man a lot.”
She’s responding to something in the chat. Somebody must have prompted her with games that she claims to have played. Erin always needs reminding on what games she’s played.
2:06:30 – Mike’s game is over. Now it’s Erin’s turn. Come on. Give her the controller. She played the sequel “a lot”. She wants to play this one. Give her the controller. I want to see some pro gameplay from Erin.
No. He quit. Why? This was one of the few games that Erin claimed to be familiar with. The only other one was the original Pac-Man and Erin didn’t play that either. What the fuck is this? Why didn’t Erin play this game?
2:07:00 – PacMania. Erin says that she likes this one. So hand the fucking controller to her, Mike. What the fuck is wrong with you? You don’t know how to play video games with another person? Quit hogging the controller.
2:09:15 – Mike has been complaining that this game is too slow. Erin says, “Does it get faster later on? I don’t remember.”
Erin “always” “forgets” whether or not PacMania gets faster later on.
2:10:00 – There are Lego-like blocks here. There’s discussion about the legality of this. Erin says, “Did they pay Mattel? Is Mattel Lego? Who makes Lego anyway?” Mike says, “I think Lego makes Lego.” Erin says, “Yeah, well, whatever. Never mind.”
Erin “always” “forgets” that Lego makes Lego. She’s a big Lego fan, guys!
Does Mattel make Lego…what a fucking moron. She mentioned the one toy company that she knows of because Mattel makes Barbie, of course.
If you don’t know this shit, it’s fine. We don’t fucking care. But don’t make it up as you go along because you get exposed as a liar and a fraud.
2:11:00 – Somebody in the chat mentions ColorForms. Erin has no idea what this is but just makes a series of generic comments to pretend that she does. She does this constantly. Just say that you don’t know what it is. Nobody gives a shit. Why the constant lies?
2:12:15 – Game over. Now shut the fuck about Ms Pac-Man, Mike, and give the controller to Erin. This is ridiculous. You’re not being a good friend. Don’t you know how sharing works?
No. He quits again. What the fuck is this? This is ERIN Plays. ERIN. Not Mike Plays. ERIN.
Now Erin is just looking at cute backgrounds and shit that you can put in this little virtual arcade. This is fucking bullshit. If she can do this, she can play the fucking games.
2:14:30 – Now Mike is going to play Pac-Man Battle Royale. Why? Give Erin the fucking controller. This is bullshit.
Or why not play this two-player? This game is meant to be played with at least two players. No. Just Mike is going to play.
Then Mike says that the game is fun with more people. It’s not so fun by yourself.
What the fuck are you doing? Plug another controller in and let Erin play. What’s the problem?
Mike plays it briefly, says to Erin, “Do you get the idea?”, Erin says, “Yeah”, and then he turns the game off.
Why did he not let Erin play? Erin wants to play all of this shit. She’s a big Pac-Man fan. And we’re all here to see ERIN play video games. Not Mike Matei. ERIN.
2:17:00 – So now Mike is playing some SNES Pac-Man game. He says that he doesn’t like the game. No problem. Erin is right there anxiously waiting for her turn to play. GIVE HER THE FUCKING CONTROLLER.
It’s Pac-In-Time.
2:18:00 – “I think his sprite is really cute in this game.”
She wants to play the game, Mike. Are you not picking up on any of this? Mike is like one of those asshole friends who would invite you over to play Nintendo and then refuse to let you play.
2:21:00 – Mike rage-quits and Erin doesn’t get to play this one either.
2:21:30 – Mike asks Erin which game she liked the best. She doesn’t know. She can’t give an answer. She doesn’t give a shit about any of this.
“Of course I like Pac-Land.”
Oh, of course. You played it once, like six years ago, for a Youtube video. That means that you must like the game. Of course.
Then Mike plays Pac and Pals again. Fuck this. What a fucking piece of shit. He knows full well that Erin is a fraud. He knows that she has no interest in any of this shit. Why is he going along with the lies? Why is he (poorly) trying to cover up for her? What’s he getting out of this? Butt sex with an average-looking 35 year old woman? Who cares?
There are a lot of women out there who bring different things to the table. There are women with good jobs who could bring money into the relationship. There are good looking women who are good for looking at. There are women who are good at conversation. There are women who are good with finances. There are women who are good at domestic stuff (cooking and cleaning and whatnot). There are women who are good at sex.
I can’t comment on that last one, but Erin does not have any of these other qualities. She’s a total fucking zero across the board. Why is Mike so interested in this? Why is he PAYING for this? This is a sugardaddy situation.
It’s completely baffling. There are women who like video games. Why doesn’t Mike a woman who enjoys videos games? Then they can play games together.
There are women who like retro shit. Why doesn’t Mike such a woman so that he can share his passion for retro shit?
Erin is none of these things either. Erin doesn’t like ANYTHING. No hobbies. No interests. No personality. She’s a moron. She’s a compulsive liar. She’s a narcissist. She’s a fraud. She’s unemployed. What the fuck is the appeal?
So that was my six part review of Erin and Mike (mostly Mike) playing Pac-Man Museum + for the Switch. Let’s check out the comments.
– “love your videos, the best couples in gaming world”
Retard Planet for this guy.
– “This reminds me of the Totally Obsessed Pac-Man episode. The man is so obsessed with Pac-Man that he won’t even let his girlfriend play one level.”
Well, kind of but I was joking when I was saying that Mike was being greedy with the controller. Erin clearly does not want to play the more arcade-like Pac-Man games because it will expose her as a total fraud. This was Mike’s clumsy attempt to cover up for her.
– “I can’t stop playing 256”
Erin says, “it’s addicting!”
She’ll never play it again, unless it’s on stream, for money. “Addicting”.
– “The NES version of Pacland is f**d up cos the controls are A and B for movement and D pad for jump. It’s like playing with the controller upsidedown.”
Erin replies, “That does seem awkward! Maybe they were trying to mimic the tg-16 controls.”
Somebody else says, “The arcade game is like that. It doesn’t have a joystick, just buttons.”
That second guy is right but the Turbo Grafx version lets you choose which configuration you want to use. Mrs Pac-Land didn’t know this. A rare gap in her Pac-Land knowledge.
-
Erin Plays and Mike Matei check out Pac-Man Museum + on Switch! (part 5 of 6)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPHSmqGqVQU
Everybody likes Pac-Man.
https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2022/06/erin-plays-and-mike-matei-check-out-pac.html
1:12:45 – So we’re back from break. Erin got a sweater. It’s yellow. That’s a good colour. Reminds me of Pac-Man.
Actually, this is more of an orangey-yellow. Maybe ochre? No, it’s a bit lighter than ochre. Maybe peach? Is this a peach sweater? No. Saffron. Definitely saffron.
So Erin is there in her saffron sweater ready to spring back into action. This is Pac-Man. Let’s get the party started here.
1:13:00 – Pac & Roll Remix. Never heard of it. But I’m sure that Erin will pretend to be an expert at the game.
1:14:00 – Erin is sharing carpal tunnel coping strategies with Mike.
1:15:00 – Erin says that she likes the water in the game. Mike ignores this comment.
1:15:45 – Erin refers to a power pellet as “the orb”.
1:16:15 – Now it’s Erin’s turn to play. Let’s see how she does. My prediction: poorly.
Oh my god. I was not prepared for this. This is fucking unbelievably bad. Even by Erin standards. She’s not even trying to get the pellets, even though Mike told her at the start, “You have to get every pellet.” She’s just wildly bouncing off of the walls and going as fast as possibly. There’s no control in any of this. This is fucking terrible. A toddler could do better than this.
1:17:30 – “Okay, this is fun. It took me a second to get the hang of it.”
This is Erin getting the hang of it? Just watch this footage. It’s unbelievable.
1:22:00 – She’s still playing and hasn’t figured out the controls or the rules AT ALL.
I don’t want to watch this any more. This is painfully bad. Change the fucking game.
1:25:15 – Now she’s lost. She’s lost on this tiny fucking map. She keeps going back and forth between these two rooms.
Mike, mercifully, tells her to stop playing. What the fuck was this? How could anybody play a video game this poorly?
1:26:00 – Pac Moto. This looks similar to the game that they were just playing.
1:28:15 – “Do I buy any modern game magazines? No.”
Good chat, Erin.
1:29:15 – Erin says “Sega Ages” instead of “Sega Visions”. Then she looks at the camera and says, “I got confused”. Erin “always” “forgets” that it’s Sega Visions, not Sega Ages.
My issue isn’t that she doesn’t know the name of a long defunct magazine. I have no idea what either of those things are. The issue is the blatant lies. She’s not remotely interested in any of this shit. Why not just say it?
If somebody was asking my opinion about Sega Ages or Sega Visions to me, I’d say, “I don’t know what you’re talking about and, to be honest, I don’t give a shit.” That doesn’t mean that I’m not interested in video games. You don’t have to know every single facet about video game history to be interested in video games.
Of course, Erin doesn’t know ANYTHING about video game history but that’s a separate matter.
1:33:30 – The game is over and Erin didn’t play this one.
1:34:00 – Pac-Man 256. Give Erin the controller. Come on. This isn’t how you play games with your friend. You’re supposed to take turns. Erin is going to tell her mom that you weren’t sharing and then she won’t come over to play video games any more.
1:34:15 – A horntard says that Erin would have loved the 1980s. Erin aka Cykill1986 says that she was born in “late 1987” so doesn’t remember the 1980s.
1:35:45 – Erin says that her mother used to like 7th Heaven. Wasn’t this some religious show about angels or something? This might help explain things. Let me look this up.
No, but it has religious themes and seems the sort of thing that would have been popular with Christian fundamentalists. Maybe Erin’s parents were some weird religious types.
1:36:15 – A horntard asks if Erin is getting “a pair of Sailor Moon bands”. Whatever that is. Maybe I misheard. Erin says that she hopes to get them but they’re hard to get. Mike says, “We’re getting them.”
Oh. Vans. But yeah, Mike wanted to assure his sugarbaby that he’s going to get her the shoes. Shoes that she doesn’t give a fuck about featuring a character that she doesn’t give a fuck about.
And what 35 year old woman would wear Sailor Moon shoes? Even if they were interested in the character, which Erin is not.
How much money is Mike spending on this fraud? And for what? I don’t get it. She must be absolutely brutal to listen to. She never has anything remotely interesting to say. She’s an idiot. And…I mean…how good can the buttsex possibly be? That’s the only thing that she’s contributing to this relationship.
She doesn’t cook. She doesn’t bring in any money. Her conversations skills are abysmal. Does she clean?
She’s just a parasite. It’s completely baffling. Why would he pay for this?
1:38:00 – So now it’s Erin’s turn to play Pac-Man 256. A few seconds earlier, Erin claimed that the game was “addicting”. Let’s see how addicted she is to the game.
Oh my god. She’s going the wrong direction. Wasn’t she watching Mike play?
Mike tells her that you have to go up because the thing at the bottom is trying to kill you. Erin says, “Oh, I forgot about that part.”
Yeah. Erin “always” “forgets” about the fundamental nature of this game.
1:38:45 – Erin is surprised at some power up that she got. Why? She said that she played the game before. The game addicting. Mike also got this power up NUMEROUS TIMES during his playthrough just today. Wasn’t she watching?
1:39:00 – Game over for Erin. That was a quick one.
1:40:00 – Game over again. She did even worse this time.
1:41:30 – Another game over. But she keeps playing. Poorly. REALLY poorly. She must be addicted to the game.
1:43:00 – Erin pretends to know who Dick Van Dyke is. She just gave a generic response, as usual.
1:43:30 – Another game over.
Now Mike is playing.
1:45:30 – Now Mike is playing Pac-Man Arrangement. A different one from earlier.
1:46::15 – Mike says that one of the games is called Pac-Man Arrangement CS. Erin interrupts with “customer service”. Must be a reference to her days working at a record store. They must have said this.
1:47:00 – Now it’s Erin’s turn.
1:50:00 – Erin says that she likes this version of the game a lot more because “I’m not doing super horrible.”
It’s true. This must be a much easier game because Erin is getting through the levels without much difficulty.
1:54:00 – Erin says that a wavy font looks, “Like something out of Bust a Move”. This is a game that she played on stream, for money.
1:55:00 – “This game is very cute.”
Uh huh.
1:58:30 – Mike got up to have a conversation with Ernie off-screen. Erin just sits there awkwardly while this is going on.
2:00:00 – Now they’re going to play a different game. We can stop here.
Only 40 minutes to go. This is just getting boring now. But I should be able to finish this in one or two more parts.
-
Erin Plays and Mike Matei check out Pac-Man Museum + on Switch! (part 4 of 6)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPHSmqGqVQU
The continuing saga of Erin Lies.
Previous parts:
https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2022/06/erin-plays-and-mike-matei-check-out-pac.html
44:45 – They’re going back to Pac-Land because the horntards explained how to use that spring board.
Mike: You do it. You’re Mrs Pac-Land.
Erin: (unconvinced) Yeah. That’s me.
She played it ONCE. YEARS AGO. For a Youtube video. And she didn’t have a fucking clue what she was doing.
Then Erin says, “Apparently not because I forgot how to do that part.”
“Forgot”. The issue, as I’ve explained a billion times already, is that Erin only played the game a single time in her life, briefly, for a Youtube video. Why can’t she just say it?
46:00 – The horntards ask what Erin thinks about the Genesis Mini 2. Erin says, “Oh, I like briefly saw something — oh! Does that flower do anything? I don’t remember that. Umm…well, at first I thought it was a Sega CD mini but it’s not. It’s a new — it’s called the Sega Mega Drive Mini 2 and then you get the Sega CD add on for it, which is kind of cute. But right now it’s only in Japan. Umm. I don’t know. I mean, there’s Sega CD games that are going to be on there, which is kind of cool.”
This is awful. She didn’t know what it was. She thought that it looked cute. And she likes that there are going to be Sega CD games on there but she didn’t name a single game because she doesn’t know any.
Who the fuck would give an answer like this? She didn’t mention a single fucking game.
46:30 – “I would have loved all of this like eight years ago when I didn’t have, like, all of the stuff. When I was like mostly only doing HDMI stuff.”
She’s talking about how she would have liked to have this thing so that she can more easily play the game on stream, for money. Because this is the only way that she plays video games. Everything has to be on stream, for money.
“I think it’s cool, though. It’s easier for more people to play the games.”
What games? Name a single game that you like which is on this thing. She doesn’t fucking know any. It’s obvious.
Mike doesn’t respond to any of this. He knows that this is a terrible answer. These are the only sort of answers that Erin can give.
47:15 – Then Erin dies and doesn’t understand what happened. It’s because she ran out of time. She must have “forgotten” about the timer. Erin “always” “forgets” about the timer in Pac-Land.
48:15 – A horntard asks if Erin plays on real hardware or emulation. Erin says, “I normally play on real hardware.” This is a reference to her streams, of course. She does not play games in her spare time at all.
Erin got a quick game over, by the way.
Then she gives an exception. “Unless, for example, I’m playing like Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance.”
It’s a reference to a game that she recently streamed. This is all about streaming. She can’t even comprehend the concept of playing games in her spare time.
48:30 – Then Mike says something weird, in a falsetto voice, about how the only real hardware is a PCB board and “I call you out. You are a liar.”
None of this even makes sense. She wasn’t even talking specifically about arcade games. Of all the things to call Erin out for, this wasn’t it.
You know what I’ve noticed? Erin never jumps over these ghosts. She doesn’t realise that you can jump on their heads and it won’t kill you. You can just ride on their heads if you want. It’s fine. This is something that you figure out the first time you play the fucking game. I guess that Erin “always” “forgets” that you can jump on the ghosts’ heads in Pac-Land and it won’t kill you.
Here’s another interesting observation, since Erin is incapable of providing any. In the Turbo Grafx version of the game, these “break time” buildings at the end of the level have a cross on them. They’re obviously supposed to be churches. But in this version, there’s no cross. I don’t know if that’s also the case with the arcade version of this game or they specifically took the cross out for this compilation.
51:15 – Erin is at this springboard. She dies. Mike says, “No, d-pad” as she plunges into the water.
Then she hands the controller over to Mike who immediately dies. GG, faggot. Even Erin did better than that.
51:45 – A horntard said something about a video game that Mike recently streamed and Erin said, “That’s cool.”
53:45 – A horntard asks, “When are you going on Talk About Games?” and Erin says, “Well, they don’t have guests.”
That would be something special if Erin was on there. She always performs so wonderfully in these situations. There was that Rental Reviews that she did, Talking About Tapes, and she had an interview with John Hancock. Let me see if I can find my reviews.
I don’t think that my Rental Reviews article survived but here are her Talking About Tapes and John Hancock interview:
https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2021/07/josie-and-pussycats-is-great-satire.html
https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2020/09/video-games-we-played-as-kids-what-did.html
That John Hancock interview is something special. That’s a real Erin Plays deep cut. Why the fuck did she agree to do that? She had to have known that it would have gone horribly. He asked her about video games and she doesn’t fucking know anything about that topic.
54:30 – “Look at all of the flowers.”
Why is Erin surprised by that? Doesn’t she remember this scene? It appears every time you beat the first three levels of a stage. She must have seen this hundreds of times. Maybe thousands. I know that I have because I’ve actually played the game.
55:30 – “Oh, look at that little fairy.”
See previous comment.
“Oh look. They’re throwing their babies out the window.”
Once again. Why doesn’t Mrs Pac-Land know any of this? Why is this all new to her? Because she played the game one time, years ago, for a Youtube video.
“Oh my god. I forgot about the double decker bus.”
How? See previous comments on this subject.
56:30 – They’re moving on to Pac and Pal. Should I stop here? No, let’s include Pac and Pal. This series will never end if I stop every ten minutes.
57:15 – “Have I looked at Eternal? No. It’s a rogue-like that Mike would like.”
I’m surprised that Erin was unfamiliar with the game.
Hey, retards, if she hasn’t played it on stream, for money, or done a Youtube video of it, she doesn’t know it. And even if she has streamed the game or done a video on it, there’s a good chance that she doesn’t remember it.
58:45 – A horntard asks which ghost colour is the cutest. This is fucking pathetic.
She says the orange one because it looks like a Creamsicle. Stick a Creamsicle up your ass, you fucking imbecile.
1:00:15 – ShiShi says that Erin had about 30 viewers two years ago and now she has about 300. Erin says, “That’s rare that I get this high. It’s because he’s here” and she points to…Mike?
1:01:45 – Mike makes Erin play this. She unconvincingly says, “I’m excited. So I haven’t played Pac and…Pal?”
The title isn’t on screen at the moment so she struggled to remember the name.
Erin is complaining about how she can’t even navigate the maze. Then Mike says, “Try turning early. Like hitting the direction a second before.” Erin does this and is able to navigate the maze. She says, “Okay. I see.”
She never played Pac-Man before. It’s ridiculously obvious. She can’t even navigate the fucking mazes.
1:03:30 – A horntard asks if Erin even played Gargoyle’s Quest. Erin says, “I have, briefly, but never on stream.”
I…what? I need more information. Please elaborate, Erin.
Oh. There was some sort of confusion. Erin wasn’t sure what Gargoyle’s Quest is. She thought it was a different game. Erin “always” “forgets” what Gargoyle’s Quest is.
1:06:00 – “I’m horrible at this. Why?”
I have a few theories. They mostly revolve around the fact that you’ve never played a video game in your spare time in your life.
1:07:30 – A horntard says, “There are like 30 Star Wars movies and there are only 3 Indiana Jones Movies.” Erin replies, “That’s right.”
But it isn’t. A rare gap in Erin’s knowledge.
There are the three classic Indiana Jones movies, of course. But then there was Crystal Skull. And wasn’t there another one recently?
No but one is forthcoming.
And what about Young Indiana Jones? I know that it was a tv show but weren’t there movies too?
Yeah. Four television movies.
I don’t think that I’ve ever watched this. Let me check the intro. Maybe it will jog my memory.
No, I don’t remember this at all. So I probably didn’t watch it.
1:08:00 – Mike starts talking about somebody having a broken arm. Harrison Ford, I think, or maybe the character Indiana Jones. I have no idea what he’s talking about. Neither does Erin but unlike Erin, I’m not pretending to know what Mike is talking about. I’m just coming out with the truth. Mike, I have no fucking idea what you’re talking about. What’s so hard about that? I’m not going to sit here and pretend to know what Mike is talking about. Make weird, generic comments.
Anyway, Erin says that she likes Pac and Pal. In spite of the fact that she was terrible at it and had no idea what was going on. Interesting.
Now Erin is looking around the room for something. Her wrist brace? Is that where we’re going now?
1:10:45 – Erin is now placing some furniture in this arcade area. She placed her Clyde statue in the wrong orientation because she’s so unfamiliar with video games that she didn’t realise that you have to turn it. It showed on screen the buttons you need to press to rotate the item. But she doesn’t know anything about these basic video game concepts. So now the visitors to this arcade are going to only get a profile view of Clyde.
1:12:15 – “I’m going to take a short break and then…will I come back for some Pac-Man for a little bit?”
She’s asking Mike. I think that that she wants him to say “no”. This is a hint. She doesn’t want to do this.
I’ll stop here. I’m still not even halfway done. Well, nobody else is uploading anything. So a nine part series on an Erin Plays video. Why not? And if something does happen, say, Newt gets nominated for an Eisner Award for Florida Man Saves Christmas, I can just interrupt this Erin Plays series.