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Crystal Quin Acting the Fool at Too Many Games
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piSr4C6wsBw
Ninety-four minutes of an AVGN charity auction. Who’s the charity? I don’t know or care.
Why is everything a charity auction anyway? Why can’t you just have an auction where all the money goes to you? It’s your stuff. You’re doing the work. Why would a charity get any of the action? They didn’t do anything.
If you just want to give to charity, give to charity. You don’t have to announce it.
By saying that it’s a charity auction, it encourages people to bid more. “Oh, I’m doing my part to help kids with cancer by buying this t-shirt that James Rolfe wiped his ass on.” No. Just give the money to charity directly if that’s what you want to do. Why the false pretence?
The items are just shit. Broken controllers and a stained shirt and whatnot. Who would want this? This stuff belongs in the trash. But he labels them as “props”.
Why would anybody want a prop from a Youtube video? It’s ridiculous. These aren’t even really props. When you think of a prop, you think of something that’s custom-made. Like a fake newspaper or a Batarang or something. An NES controller that you hit with a hammer isn’t a prop.
So anyway, we’ve got Crystal Quin aka Horseface Mcgee holding up each item. She’s wearing half a top, of course. This is…sexy? Am I supposed to be jerking off to this? Is this a hot chick? No. Maybe at a nerd convention where the few women in attendance are all 300+ pounds, Crystal could be considered a hot chick. MAYBE. Even then I’m not sure. But in the general population, fuck no. And with that horrid personality…total zero. I’d rather fuck one of the mastodons at these things.
Let’s see if Horseface does anything “cringe”. If she doesn’t, I’ll have to think of a childhood story to pad this thing out.
1:30 – Justin says that all proceeds go to some local hunger charity. He then points out the irony in an obese man saying this.
1:45 – Horseface gets introduced and the horntards get excited. One of them repeatedly tells her to “do a circle” like Vanna White. Whatever that means. Nobody seems to know. But these are some HARDCORE nerds here. You can just hear it in the voice. And the autistic questions and comments that they make.
One of the guys on stage, the guy keeping track of winning bids, is wearing a mask, by the way. Surprisingly, Jimmy is not.
2:15 – Yeah. This is bad. Horseface shows an NES game and does an exaggerated hand gesture for it. Is anyone masturbating over this? What is the point of this? Just put some clothes on. Nobody wants to see this. At least I don’t. And why try to titillate the mentally retarded? It’s disgusting.
Maybe Horseface’s jeans could have been a little tighter. What the fuck. This is gross. There’s some uncomfortable stuff going on in her crotch area.
3:30 – They got $50 for the Raid 2020 NES game that was used in two AVGN videos, apparently. That’s probably what it goes for generally.
According to PriceCharting dot com, it’s $36 loose. So there’s virtually no premium on this being a “prop” that was used in two AVGN videos.
3:45 – Now it’s a hand-drawn (I think) advent calendar that was allegedly in the Majora’s Mask episode. I don’t remember the episode or the calendar. But it’s just a piece of paper and somebody made a calendar. This is worth nothing, but I guess it is more of a prop since somebody made it just for the video. So let’s see what it goes for. Bids for all items start at $10 so I’ll say…$20. These people are mentally retarded. They don’t make good purchasing decisions.
Oh this is embarrassing. I was too optimistic with my prediction. Ten dollars. This crinkled piece of paper went for $10. This is fucking trash. Well, maybe they’ll get some good items soon.
By the way, the back of Horseface’s top is almost non-existent.
4:45 – Beetlejuice cartridge that’s in many pieces. It’s in a sandwich bag. Who would want this? I’ll say $20 again.
Winning bid was $15. Justin learned from the advent calendar that increasing bids in $10 increments wasn’t going to work. So he’s doing it in $5 increments now.
I wonder how many people are in the audience. It seems like a small crowd.
5:45 – An N64 in a rental case. Not used in any episode. It’s just part of Jimmy’s collection. A horntard probably gave it to him.
Jimmy says, “I don’t know if it works.” Unbelievable. Maybe test it first? And of course he wouldn’t know if it works. He doesn’t play video games.
So who’s going to buy a possibly broken N64 console? I’ll say $30. The case might be somewhat rare.
It went for $200. By the way, the winning bidders have numbers like 5 and 7. So there might literally only be about ten people in the audience.
7:15 – Brutal Chex box that Justin designed himself. I’ll say $10.
It was $60 and the winning bidder was number 14 . So there are at least 14 people here.
9:00 – Nice view of Horseface’s jiggly upper arm fat.
9:15 – Bidder #20 got 10 Atari games, that were never in any video, for $40. Another item that some horntard “gifted” to Jimmy. He must have a warehouse of this shit. I don’t think people are giving him shit any more but for a good few years, I think that a lot of horntards were giving him games, under the misguided view that James is interested in this stuff.
10:30 – Horseface is bending down and acting in a peculiar fashion as she takes stuff out of a crate.
By the way, Justin encouraged Jimmy to add any comments about the items. Memories he had about them, for example. Jimmy isn’t doing that. He’s incapable of doing that.
12:00 – Bidder 28, wins some broken Crash Test Dummies toys for $100. The bid was $75, Justin was asking for $80, and this guy said $100. These retards don’t know how this is supposed to work. He could have had it for $80. Nobody is impressed by you jumping the bid up.
Justin called the winning bidder “Fat Chris”. At this particular convention, I don’t think that the “fat” modifier will do much to differentiate him.
12:45 – It’s a broken controller from the Rob the Robot episode. Jimmy says of the episode, “It’s a good, round number episode.” Hello, autism.
It was $320 for that shit.
18:00 – $50 for Surf Trip, a board game that briefly appeared in a Screenwave era episode, that Justin says he paid $90 for on Ebay. “Remember that all proceeds go to charity.” He’s really laying the guilt on them. Hey, don’t you care about starving children? Give us a lot of money for this trash.
21:30 – They’re bidding on some hat that Jimmy wore in the “Robo Nerd” skit, they’re up to $180, and some giant nerd says, “Is it cash only?” Justin says that it’s cash or card.
He was panicking. He only brought $150 in cash with him. “Can I use my Dr Who Limited Edition Platinum Discover Card?”
What if somebody does a chargeback? They’re not happy with the quality of the Robo Nerd hat. Won’t Screenwave just be fucked?
24:00 – A “mystery box”. Jimmy asks to see what’s inside and says stuff but we can’t hear it. Probably “yeah” and “mmhmm”. Then Justin looks inside and says, “It’s mostly garbage but there’s some interesting stuff in here.”
This is worth nothing. Some moron paid $80.
Then they show what’s in the box. It’s a t-shirt, a Guinness book from 2008, one of those bootleg Funcopop figures of Jimmy, and some sports games. This is shit.
And why couldn’t they show the contents of the box BEFORE the bidding? There’s no reason why they couldn’t do this. If you want to sell it as a lot, sell it as a lot. It’s fine. But not as a mystery lot. That’s idiotic.
I don’t want to watch any more. This is just boring. And Horseface isn’t doing anything overtly annoying.
Let’s skip to the end. Maybe the big ticket items are there.
1:25:00 – A pizza box and script from the Home Alone episode with that Culkin faggot. I don’t want to look up the spelling of his first name. Fifty bucks. That has to be a disappointment. Was it just a regular pizza box from a local store or did they make this? Let me rewind.
Jimmy says that he should have got Culkin to sign it. Yeah. Way to sell the item that we actually have, Jimmy.
And yeah, no mention at all of where the pizza box came from. I want the full pizza box lore. Was this from Justin’s personal collection? He saves pizza boxes from his various travels? Or was this custom made? We don’t know.
1:25:45 – Some “battle plan” map from this Home Alone episode. It’s in crayon. No mention of who made it. Presumably, it was Kieran. If it was Jimmy, they would have said it.
1:28:00 – It’s up to $180. One of the bidders was complaining because another bidder was only increasing the bid by $1 and Justin was accepting these stupid bids. So he finally got sick of it and said, “You jerk” and “Have fun framing it.”
1:29:00 – Justin claims that the next item is “one of the most interesting items in the auction” and asks Jimmy to say a little something about it. Jimmy doesn’t even know what the item is. He asks to see it up close. He looks at it for a while, and then says that it’s a game that he broke off-camera because he was upset. It’s worth nothing. A broken game that an autistic man broke in a fit. Fuck off.
Thirty dollars.
1:30:45 – The last item is “a creepy face mask” of Justin Silverman. Why is this even…if they want to put some stupid “comedy” item of Justin Silverman in the auction, fine. He does more for the channel than Jimmy does so I don’t have a problem with it. But why make it the grand finale?
I know that all of the items are trash so you can’t really pick a good one to end on but…a Justin Silverman mask?
This was in the Spawn episode for some reason.
Twenty-five for that.
That’s the video. Jimmy was totally useless. Of course. Horseface needs to learn how to dress. And the whole thing was poorly conceived and executed. Oh, and the items were all trash.
But it’s for charity. So…you’re not allowed to complain.
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WTF Wednesday Review: SHARKULA (part 2 of 2)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvBgs49KHsQ
13:15 – He’s talking about this movie. “It got a lot of press because they also released Amityville in Space. The title for that, people love the meme-ification movies. The Amazing Bulk and The Shark Exorcist.”
Citation needed. Nobody is watching this shit. People want to watch good movies. Not trash. I’ve never sat down and said, “You know what? I want to spend the next 90 minutes watching a steaming pile of shit.”
But Newt doesn’t seem to get it. He’s ripping off these terrible, terrible movies. Is it working for them? If it’s not working for them, why would it work for Newt Wallen, somebody who has no budget, no experience, and no talent?
He mentions Donald Farmer. He’s somebody who did Shark Exorcist 2, which Newt says he “did a scene on”. Whatever that means. He’s told this story before.
Let’s look up Donald Farmer. Is he a millionaire?
Well, he’s not on Wikipedia. That’s the first red flag. Not noteworthy enough for Wikipedia.
https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0267740/
There’s his IMDB. It’s just a bunch of tits and gore trash. And he’s 68 years old. He’s wasted his life on this shit. And he’s made no money. So there’s no artistic merit to any of this shit and no financial benefits.
14:00 – “If you go into their version of Sharkula and you’re mad that it wasn’t like I wanted this to be (holds up his Sharkula script) you’re already in the wrong fucking boat because that’s not what these movies are.”
Who the fuck watches a movie, folds their arms, and says, “Well, this isn’t like the movie idea that Newt Wallen had so I won’t even give this a chance.”
We don’t know what your Sharkula was. Wait. What am I saying? Yes. It’s tits and gore. That’s what he’s talking about. The Sharkula that got released, apparently, has neither tits nor gore.
But earlier, Newt said that when you go to a movie called Sharkula, you expect tits and gore. I don’t know why he said that but that’s what he said. Whatever.
14:30 – “This is, ‘How quickly can we get something out there before some asshole — you know, me — gets that title out there.”
Yeah. They rushed to produce this thing to beat NEWT WALLEN to the punch. Nobody fucking knew about Newt’s shitty movie idea. The guy made one movie in his life and it was a giant piece of shit. What are the odds that he’s ever going to release another movie? Nobody was concerned about this. Nobody knew about it.
And if the idea is so unimaginative that more than one person had the exact same title, doesn’t that tell you anything? Newt has no ideas whatsoever. He stole “Sharkula” from a “movie” he saw called Sharkenstein. Now he’s stealing all of the “Amityville” titles because he learned about some other “filmmaker” who’s stealing all of the “Amityville” titles.
14:30 – “Here I am thinking, ‘I’m going to make it funny and smart. No, it’s a B-movie and it’s all about getting it out there as quickly as possible and making a buck and moving on to the next one. That’s what these guys do and that’s what makes them successful at B-movies.”
But they’re not successful. Nobody is watching these movies and they aren’t making any money.
15:45 – “So when I hear people say, ‘Oh, don’t you want to make a good movie?’ I go, ‘No, I just want to make a movie. I want to make movies and spend my life doing that and not have to work in a movie theatre or making other people’s dreams come true and not having your names on things or whatever.”
Do you suppose that it was Tony from Hack the Movies’ dream to make shitty Youtube videos? Or Jimmy to make shitty Youtube videos? No, of course not.
And this is not a valid career path. Making shitty movies that nobody wants to see? No. It’s not going to work. You know what works? Jobs. If you don’t want to work in a movie theatre, go see if Jiffy Lube is hiring. Or if your local dentist needs a receptionist.
Speaking of dentists, you could train to be a dental assistant. I’ve seen some real specimens. My favourite dental assistant was a woman who had face tattoos.
If a woman with face tattoos can get a job as a dental assistant, it tells you everything that you need to know. It’s a job that’s in great demand and they’ll take ANYONE, if they’re qualified. You probably need to do some course but that’s good. It weeds people out. You’re not applying for an unskilled job that anyone off the street can do.
And what does a dental assistant make? The average salary is $21/hour. That’s a lot of scratch. More money that I ever made in the US. WAY more. Of course, this was 20 years ago. But still. It sounds good to me.
This is what you have to do. Learn a trade, find the jobs that nobody wants to do, shit like this. Then you can make money. Nobody wants to be a dental assistant, being around the stench of rotted teeth all day. It’s horrible. Those people deserve every penny they get. Nobody ever begrudges dentists or dental assistants for making too much money. If anything, they’re underpaid.
25:30 – He compares the production company of this movie to diarrhoea. “Sometimes it’s good diarrhoea and sometimes it’s the kind where you have to fucking hold on to the seat and your legs go up in the air and your eyes roll back in your head.”
Now, I won’t bore anyone with the details of my bowel problems over the years but suffice it to say, I’ve had some problems back there.
Nevertheless, I have never experienced anything remotely similar to what Newt is describing. Why would diarrhoea be hard to pass? Even with constipation, I have never had problems like this. Newt should see a doctor about this.
I have loads of poop stories, each more vile than the last, but I’ll just tell one quick one. When I was in the second grade, I had my first communion. I’m sure most people know what I’m talking about but it’s a religious thing.
So before church, I feel the need to drop a load. I go to the toilet and really bad constipation. I was able to get a bit out but nothing dropped. And I was sitting on the toilet for quite a while. And time is ticking by. I have to leave for church soon. This is a big event.
So I start panicking. I pull my trousers up and start walking out the bathroom door but…it’s a bit hard to walk because I have this piece of shit lodged back there. But I have to leave soon so I’m feeling back there and trying to look back there. “Does it look noticeable? Can I do this?” I can feel the poop there. It’s a big chunk that was out.
Then I realised that even if I could walk to church and kneel, without anyone noticing that I’m moving funny or smelling funny, how was ever going to sit? So I went back on the toilet, and managed to push through.
Then I went to the first communion, threw up in the pew in front of me, and ruined the event for everyone. But at least I didn’t also have a big piece of shit in my ass.
26:00 – Now Newt is reminiscing about not doing Sharkula with Horseface.
27:15 – Newt is talking about his dream of making bad movies again. No, Newt. Dental assistant. That’s the answer. Or plumber. Or what about joiner? What’s a joiner? I’m not really sure. Something to do with carpentry. I think they do a lot of work with windows. But anyway, it’s a skilled trade, they’re in demand, and they make money.
So that’s the video. Let’s see what the ladyboys have to say. Newt seems to attract a lot of ladyboys.
– “Newt were you let go from Screenwave related to Cinemassacre Halloween script concerns?”
Newt literally replies to EVERY SINGLE MESSAGE. Except for this one.
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WTF Wednesday Review: SHARKULA – Newt Wallen (part 1 of 2)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvBgs49KHsQ
This is a movie that somebody made, nothing to do with Newt, and Newt is upset because he also had an idea for a shark/vampire movie. Also called Sharkula. He later changed the name to Jawsferatsu.
1:00 – One of the movies that this “company” makes is called Amityville Shark.
Gee, Newt. Where do you get your ideas? Now he’s ripping off ideas that other people ripped off. Where does it end?
1:30 – Newt shows his script for Shark Vampire, says that he showed it to Screenwave, and Screenwave had a lot of edits. He’s told this story before. They wanted to remove a lot of the tits and gore. What’s even left? This is all that Newt knows how to do. If you take out the tits and gore, you turn a 90 page script into a paragraph-length script.
2:30 – Newt was tasked with writing a horror script for a producer in Louisiana (the film-producing capital of Cajun country) around a Christmas theme. So Newt shat out a script in two days and called this “movie” A Christmas Mummy. He says that he found this title to be “really funny.”
Am I missing something? How is it funny? Is it some kind of word play that I’m not getting? There’s A Christmas Story. That can’t be it. Or is it? Because that’s all that I can think of. But that’s not remotely similar. Nobody would make the connection. There’s no connection to make. They’re simply both words that end with “Y”.
HOW THE FUCK IS THIS FUNNY? I want Newt himself to field this one. Leave a detailed explanation in the comments explaining this “joke”. And don’t use your fucking voice to text thing because you’re too lazy to type and it’s a convenient excuse to explain away all of the misspelled words. TYPE IT OUT. Full sentences. Show what a great writer you are. I’ll start you off. “The Christmas Mummy is a really funny title because…”
Then he describes the movie.
“So I wrote this things where it’s a Hallmark movie mixed with From Dusk till Dawn with the mummy from Krampus which instead of being wrapped in bandages it’s wrapped in fucking tattered Christmas wrapping.”
He goes on like this. This is how he describes every “movie” idea he ever has. It’s just bits from other movies. With tits and gore.
3:30 – “They wanted something more vulgar than even I was willing to write: a lot more nudity, a lot more Troma-level gore.”
It’s just so fucking stupid. He’s wasting his life with this shit.
So he turned this Christmas horror movie into Shark Vampire. Whatever. I don’t give a shit.
He says that he got the idea from a movie called Sharkenstein. Let’s just move on.
4:30 – Shout out to horny John Riggs. Newt was talking to him on Twitter.
5:30 – “So I had re-written my draft to be literally Dracula with a shark head. I came up with a really fucking funny backstory about how it worked and when I explained it to people they were like, ‘Oh my god. Yeah, that actually does work’.”
What’s the backstory, Newt? “Really fucking funny”, you say. Is it on part with “A Christmas Mummy”? I enjoy humour. Let’s hear it.
Wasn’t there a game show in the 1970s called Make Me Laugh? Let me look this up.
Well, there were three versions. One in 1958, one in 1979-1980, and one in 1997-1998. There were three comedians and you get a dollar for every second you don’t laugh, up to three minutes. They should bring this back. I would kill on this show. That $180 would be mine.
7:30 – He’s talking about who was going to play the titular role in Shark Vampire. “He was originally going to be played by Brad Jones, Cinema Snob. We’ve talked a lot about it but I don’t think he’ll want to work with me because I’m not associated with the media company that I used to work with and those people and all.”
Oh right. Brad Jones. Rural Pennsylvania’s greatest thespian.
“So I wrote the script and it was really funny.”
Hey guys! A CHRISTMAS MUMMY! I’ll give you a few moments to compose yourself.
8:15 – “I had this really funny opening. It was going to be all animated.”
Can anybody direct me to a single thing that Newt has ever said or done that’s funny? I mean intentionally funny. I can’t think of anything. He wasn’t funny on Talking About Tapes. He’s not funny in these videos on his channel.
I’m trying to think of “jokes” that he’s made. At the end of one movie review, he suggested to PVC Bondage Girl that they should make a pornographic film together. That’s not funny. That’s just crass and sexual harassment.
Going up to a woman and saying, “I want to have sex with you” is not funny. Where’s the clever word play? Where are the witty references? Where’s the social commentary?
Newt never does any of this stuff. He doesn’t know how to be funny or entertaining. Just vulgar. That’s all that he knows. That’s why this movie “review” is just Newt talking about tits and gore for 30 minutes. Like every other video that he makes.
8:45 – Ryan Schott gave Newt Wallen $7,000 to make a neutered version of Shark Vampire. This was after another “producer” kept trying to lowball Newt to the point where he was only going to give $2,000 to make the movie.
Newt declined Ryan Schott’s offer of $7,000 because Newt is an ar-teest. Shark Vampire MUST have tits and gore. That’s what the people want, according to Newt. Newt isn’t going to compromise his artistic vision. A movie without tits and gore isn’t a movie.
Just make something good. For once in your fucking life. Try to make something that people actually want to see. Not these stupid “meme” movies, as you call them.
He said earlier in the video that he was inspired by Clerks because Clerks was made in New Jersey or something and Newt constantly has to remind everyone that he’s from New Jersey. If anything ever happens outside of New Jersey, Newt doesn’t give a fuck. Only New Jersey matters.
So why doesn’t Newt make something like Clerks? Something dialogue-driven. Not tits and gore driven.
Because he can’t fucking write and he knows it. So why try to write films?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a pirate but I don’t actively pursue this dream. I’d be a terrible pirate. I’m not physically strong enough, I haven’t been on many boats, I’m allergic to seafood, I’ve never used a sword. There’s a whole list of problems. So I gave up.
Simply wanting to do something is not enough. You need the talent to back it up. Newt does not have the talent. AT ALL. Just watch this video. He’s bragging about coming up with SHARK VAMPIRE. This is the world’s dumbest idea. Children come up with this kind of shit. Not grown men.
9:00 – Newt is flipping through the pages of this script, starts laughing, and says, “I’m reading through some of the notes in here. They’re actually kind of funny.”
Where’s the proof? If this stuff is so fucking hilarious, let’s see it.
9:15 – Wait a minute. Newt agreed to make this movie for $7,000. The non-tits and gore version. He spent $2,000 on art for the movie poster, a tank prop, and getting a shark head from a puppet guy.
Newt was also going to put his own money into this “to have more control of things.”
Is that how it works? I’m not sure.
Somebody gives you $7,000 to make a specific movie. You then put, say, $2,000 into the movie. Does that mean that you can do whatever you want now? Won’t the guy who spent $7,000 be pissed off?
Even if you put $100,000 into the movie, wouldn’t the guy who spent $7,000 be pissed off? He spent that money on a non-tits and gore movie but what he got was a tits and gore movie. That can’t be right.
9:30 – “Then what started happening was, ‘This script’s not that good. You’re not really a screenwriter. You’re an idea man.’”
Yeah. Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen. Such great ideas as Shark Vampire, Amityville Arcade, Amityville Halloween, and puppet Plan 9 from Outer Space.
9:45 – “I heard that a lot in that time period, like, ‘You’re not really a good writer’ and that lead to some of my stress issues.”
IT’S REALITY. I mean, what the fuck? What can be said?
You don’t like to tell somebody that what they’re doing sucks dick and they don’t have the talent for it but…Newt’s writing sucks dick and he doesn’t have the talent for this. You can’t lie about this. It would be cruel to feed his delusions. Shark Vampire is never going to be a success. None of these shitty movies that Newt talks about will ever be a success.
I’m still waiting for Florida Man Saves Christmas. It’s two months overdue. When are we going to get it? Open up the Newt merch store. I want some Newt merch.
Oh, I just remembered a “funny” “joke” that Newt said was in this comic book. There’s a map of Florida and an arrow pointing to it saying, “America’s wang.” Get it? Because it vaguely looks like a penis? Nobody’s ever made that joke before. Newt was the first.
10:00 – “I really thought, ‘Wow. Somebody believed in me enough to give me money to make a movie’ but they don’t really. It was more like, ‘Let’s see if he fails and then we can keep him doing other people’s jobs.’”
There was no conspiracy. Ryan Schott is not some master manipulator. He simply saw what EVERYBODY can see. Newt Wallen can not fucking write. AT ALL. Why does he continue with this?
“So it turned into a lot of meetings like, ‘We need to take out the nudity, we need to take out the gore. We need to take out a lot of the dirtier puns’ and stuff like that.”
This is all that he does. Everything is about tits and gore.
How is that even something that’s in the script? How does one write tits? Or gore?
What about the fucking story, Newt? Is there a story to any of this trash? Is it just page after page of stage directions describing bouncing boobs? It doesn’t even make sense.
He’s so outraged about them wanting to remove the tits and gore. And every fucking thing that he talks about, all of his idiotic, child-like ideas, they’re all tits and gore. I don’t get it.
“Everybody please turn to page 23 where I detail how large the breasts should be and how she’s whacking Shark Vampire in the face with them.” How do you write something like this? I’m not a screenwriter. Tell us, Newt. We want to see these tits and gore scripts.
10:15 – “I wrote a line where one of the women who’s bitten by the Sharkula turns into like a Bride of Sharkula and she tricks this dude, who’s like one of our main characters, into going to a side room and they’re making out and she kind of dips down below camera. And when he looks down, she’s got like a shark mouth. She’s a Bride of Sharkula. And she says, ‘chum shot’, head dips below camera, and then blood sprays all over his face.”
Oh. By the way, Newt laughed when he was recalling this. This is some of his “comedy”. But yeah, the script does seem to be entirely descriptions of tits and gore. This isn’t a script. A script has dialogue. This is just masturbatory shit. And who would possibly masturbate over this?
10:30 – “I fucking thought ‘chum shot’, I wrote that and God high-fived me. You know? I thought that that was really funny. That had to come out, obviously.”
Because it’s not remotely funny. It’s stupid. Why would somebody just say “chum shot” when performing fellatio on somebody? It’s a reference to “cum shot”, of course, but why would the woman EVER say this in ANY situation? The woman doesn’t know when the guy is going to cum. No woman has EVER said “cum shot” while performing fellatio on a man. Not once. Why? Because it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.
But this is like the funniest thing that he’s ever written. Those two words. The only bit of dialogue in this section of the script that he was detailing. He’s told this story before. This is an example of the hilarity of Newt Wallen.
11:45 – “I was getting aggravated because, again, if you’re making something called Sharkula, let’s give the people what they want.”
He’s talking about how Ryan or whoever wanted changes to the script. Newt said earlier in this video that people going to a film called Sharkula expect tits and gore. I don’t know how he reaches that conclusion. What they want is a good movie, Newt. Not trash. This is trash. Nobody wants to see trash. Why would they?
People who want to jack off will watch porn. They don’t watch shitty tits and gore movies. There’s no market for this. You either watch porn because you want to jerk off or you watch a normal movie because you want to be entertained.
In the 1970s, when porn was harder to acquire, MAYBE movies like this filled a niche. But there’s no shortage of porn on the internet. FREE. Why would I need Shark Vampire to get me off? Nobody is doing this.
Newt continues to detail the film and says that there’s a part that’s similar to Carnosaur where they do some analysis on shark DNA or something. More stolen ideas from Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen.
12:30 – So when he got fired, Ryan wanted his $7,000 back. Newt gave the money back but I’m not sure if he was legally required to do that. He was paid to make a movie. Surely, there was no condition that he had to be an employee of Screenwave in order to do this. Was there a clause in the contract saying, “If you ever get caught plagiarising movie reviews for an autistic man, we reserve the right to void the contract and receive our money back in full”? I’d be surprised.
After he got fired, he found out about this other movie called Sharkula that was coming out. So Newt had to rename his movie Jawsferatsu.
I’m at 13:00. I think that Newt is moving on to talk about the movie that actually got released now, as opposed to his idiotic tits and gore movie concept. So I’ll stop here and do the rest tomorrow. It’s already gone on too long.
-
Adam SquarePainter, James AVGN REX VIPER interview & GillyTheKid Too Many Games – Cinemassacre
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoUF3uBqAMc
1:45 – This is where the video starts. The first part of the video was just a long preview of what’s to come. They’re “interviewing” some guy who’s in Rex Viper. This guy also makes pixel art. And through him, they were able to get a hilarious “interview” with James Rolfe.
So it’s two white guys and two black guys in this group. They’re all friends, I guess. And at least one of these black guys isn’t your typical guy who happens to be black. This is one of those, “Yo, yo, yo. You know what I’m saying?” kind of black guys. Let’s call him Keyshawn. He’s the star of the show in this thing.
Keyshawn: We just drove all the way from New York, man. From New Jersey, actually, just to be here.
He’s so fucking baked on the jazz cigarettes that he doesn’t even remember where he’s from.
Oh, they give his social media handle. It’s LvngLegacy. Let me look this up. Maybe I can use his real name.
https://twitter.com/MosesTyreke
Oh my god. His name is Tyreke. I actually almost went with Tyrone instead of Keyshawn but then I thought, “No, that would just be straight up racist, not to mention unimaginative.” But it would have been close.
Here’s his Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/lvnglegacy/
He has a lot of cosplay pictures. GAY cosplay pictures. He’s holding his penis in some of these. And his shirt is open in almost all of them.
2:00 – Let’s continue where we left off. I’ll use his real name from here on out.
Tyreke: You know what I’m saying? So we here now, it was only like an hour drive, for this game swap convention. So you all going to see…I think they call it Angry…what is it called? This guy knows more than me, man.
He doesn’t have a fucking clue who the Angry Video Game Nerd is. Never even heard of him. So he kicks it to his Italian-American homeboy GoCarlo. He’s the guy who owns this channel.
Oh my god. Here’s another one of GoCarlo’s videos:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9CS0-bMQGM
It’s from the same convention. It’s an “interview” of Tony from Hack the Movies. And I just randomly clicked through and Tyreke is there and asking who Tony from Hack the Movies is.
Maybe I’ll look at that video another time. Let’s proceed with the current video.
2:45 – Anyway, GoCarlo sets everything straight and then introduces Dr Suave.
GoCarlo: And yo. Shout out to Suave too.
Suave: (does the “hang ten” hand gesture, which presumably has some kind of street gang connotation in this context) Yo. What’s good? How are you? Hopefully you all doing good. What’s good? What’s good? Yo. We at the game swap convention. We going to see what’s up.
Holy fucking shit. These guys are going to “interview” James Rolfe. Just wait for it. Jimmy almost pisses his pants.
Tyreke: This guy came up with a whole new drip, man. Let me see it, man. Look at his hair, man. He got a whole star.
And Suave dropped his head down to show the star that he has styled into his cornrows.
Suave: For real.
Tyreke: With that being said, let’s get right to it.
Indeed.
3:00 – So now there’s…oh my god…there’s James Rolfe, wearing a mask because he’s petrified of covid, Suave, GoCarlo, and Tyreke.
Then they just show the “interview” like mid-sentence.
Suave: — So the Seaman episode.
Jimmy: Oh. Yeah.
Suave: Yeah, it’s all good. I’m all about that.
Jimmy: Mmhmm.
Tyreke: Yeah. Guys, I’m not going to sit here and act like I know this thing but I will speak on what I do know. Guys, we’re here to escort.
Jimmy: (petrified) Yeah.
Tyreke: We’re escorting AVGN to his panel. Let’s escort him.
Jimmy: Yep.
I swear that I’m not making any of this up. It’s these two ghetto black guys, speaking Ebonics, the one guy is boasting to Jimmy that he doesn’t even know who Jimmy is, and Jimmy just keeps saying “yeah” and the like, as he tends to do. He wants no part of this.
Who can blame him? These two guys are complete buffoons. But it’s hilarious to watch how uncomfortable Jimmy is with all of this.
Tyreke: So the Seamen episode, if you guys don’t know, is that you use a microphone.
Jimmy: Mmhmm.
Tyreke: And they actually talk back to you. That’s like the first — think about it —
Jimmy: Yeah, yeah. The only game that…well…there’s a few games with a microphone. That’s…uhhh…one of them. (nervous laugh). Oh! Sorry, I’m walking the wrong way.
Oh my fucking god. Why would James’ handlers let this happen? Where is Screenwave? There are these two ghetto black guys escorting Jimmy in the wrong direction. Where were they planning on taking him?
Jimmy: Oh no. Here it is. We go downstairs.
Tyreke: So if you think about it, guys. That’s actually the very first time, that I know of, when it comes to artificial intelligence.
This is so bad. There’s so much to say about all of this, but I just have to move on.
Tyreke: Of things talking back to you, especially in a video game.
Jimmy: Yeah…that was a good episode. That was one of my uhh…one of my favourites, I think.
Tyreke: Yes.
Jimmy: It ranks pretty high, I think.
Tyreke: Yes. Definitely, definitely, definitely. So before you go get down, is there anything else that you want to say?
Jimmy: Ummm…keep on gaming.
Then Jimmy gives Suave a left-handed handshake and runs like hell.
What the fuck was this? How was this allowed to happen? What is Jimmy paying these incompetent fools at Screenwave for?
Then there’s some bullshit with this guy from Rex Viper. I didn’t watch any of that.
11:30 – Jimmy enters and GoCarlo says, “I’m your biggest fan. I can’t wait to see Rex Viper live.”
This is being presented out of order. This all happened BEFORE those two ghetto black guys “interviewed” Jimmy.
12:15 – This GoCarlo guy is REALLY kssing Jimmy’s ass. It’s hard to watch. He says, “Your movie Kung-Fu Werewolf from Outer Space inspired me to make a similar movie.”
You want to know what Jimmy said? “Yeah.”
By the way, I reviewed Kung-Fu Werewolf from Outer Space here:
https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2021/01/kung-fu-werewolf-from-outer-space-2001.html
GoCarlo and this Rex Viper guy are going HARD on the ass licking and Jimmy just stands there, in his mask, saying, “Yeah”. He doesn’t contribute AT ALL. And frankly, I can’t blame him. What are you going to say to these fucking lunatics? Who would get excited about seeing James fucking Rolfe? And talk about how inspiring his shitty childhood home movies were. Fuck off. Nobody cares that you made similar movies when you were a child.
15:30 – The video ends with this guy comparing meeting James Rolfe to meeting Arnold Schwarzenegger. What the fuck.
So…this was awful. Screenwave needs to be fired immediately. James needs somebody with him every second of the day. At least when he’s out in public.
Where was his wife? Why isn’t his wife doing this stuff? She’s never in any of this shit. Why not? Hire a babysitter.
Well, I guess it’s for multiple days, isn’t it? So let the children’s grandparents watch them. As far as I’m aware, Jimmy’s parents are still alive and live in the area. I don’t know about Mrs Nerd’s parents. They may or may not be alive and nearby.
Or just have some flunky at Screenwave follow Jimmy around. What’s the big deal? How much is Jimmy paying these people? I think that they own the channel. They’re making a fortune off of this autistic man. Just send a handler to be with him at these fucking conventions.
And what kind of a ghetto black guy goes to a nerd convention? And does fucking cosplay. Is this what passes for a thug black guy these days? That faggot couldn’t keep it real if his life depended on it.
-
Jurassic Park – SNES, Genesis & Sega CD Video Game Review – Irate Gamer
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2QuDEzptHw
The description says, “Closing out season 8 is the finale of the Jurassic Park reviews.”
What? Didn’t this “season” just start?
Yeah. This is only the fourth video this year. He had that Chip and Dales video, a different Jurassic Park video, and yet another Jurassic Park video. I didn’t review that second Jurassic Park video because it was only noteworthy for being ridiculously short and totally pointless.
So this must be a really abbreviated “season”. Why does he even do “seasons”. Jimmy does this too. Does anyone else? It’s fucking Youtube. There are no seasons. There’s no summer hiatus. There’s no contractual obligation to release 16 episodes a year. You just release the fucking videos whenever you want, as many as you want.
Anyway, let’s check out this homoerotic bullshit.
0:00 – Oh, there’s a brief glimpse of James Rolfe in here. The boys on Reddit spoiled this video for me. James Rolfe is in this video. Plugging Rex Viper, apparently.
0:45 – Chris BORES is “irate”. He made an “irate” face for a second. It’s just so fake. And the acting is so fucking horrendous. Why bother? Find a different format to present these videos. The “pretend to play a video game and make stupid faces” gimmick DOESN’T WORK. We’re not fucking retarded. We know that this isn’t genuine.
“I’m just walking around with my thumb up my ass.”
Here we go with the gay stuff.
You know, somebody left a comment on an old Irate Gamer article that I did that said that Chris BORES is actually married to a woman and recently had a second child. I find it hard to believe. I looked at his Twitter but it’s all just promoting his fucking videos. Nothing about his personal life. It’s the Retro Ali school of using Twitter. Boring as fuck.
1:00 – “I guess I’m overdue for my dino ass raping.”
Uh huh. Sounds like something a heterosexual man in his 40s, who’s married and has two children would say.
1:30 – Then…the “review” is just over. He got absolutely nowhere in this game. I don’t even know what the game was. He just quit.
It was the same with the previous video, the one I didn’t review. He didn’t even get past the first level. What’s the point of this? Why bother “reviewing” a game if you’re not going to put any time AT ALL into it?
“Okay, fine. Let’s just get this over with.”
That’s an actual quote. That’s a genuine insight into Chris BORES’ creative process. This is fucking awful.
1:45 – Footage of Chris BORES obviously not playing the game. He’s frantically mashing the buttons while holding the controller in front of his face. You know…as you do.
He’s playing Jurassic Park II for the Genesis, by the way. Or something. He’s just flying through this shit.
2:15 – He’s unable to get through the first level because he doesn’t know how the game works. So he says, “You ever have one of those days where you have to play one stupid Jurassic Park game after another?”
No. Because I don’t make shit videos on Youtube. You don’t have to do it all in one day, BORES. Take your time. You’re unemployed. You have all the time in the world to make these videos. And this is the big AVGN crossover video. You can’t even put some time into the video for this?
So that’s it. That was the “review” of the game. He couldn’t get past the first level so he gave up.
Why didn’t he read the instruction manual? Why didn’t he watch a walkthrough? No, he’s just shitting this thing out in one day.
2:30 – So now he’s playing another game. I don’t know what it is. It’s for the Genesis, I think.
“After only about one minute into this game, I’m about to bail on this one too.”
It’s a genuine quote. Why make the fucking video if you’re not going to put any time in? He starts the game, says “This sucks”, makes an “irate” face, and moves on to the next game. This is idiotic. Why would he do this?
So that’s it. That was the “review”. He didn’t get past the first level of this one either.
3:30 – Now it’s Jurassic Park Rampage Edition for…something.
3:45 – “Ah great. This game just becomes another Jurassic-sized turd fed through a shit game mo–“
And then it cuts off. He fucked up. Didn’t he watch this before he released the video? What was he saying? It cut off mid-word.
He’s been releasing one video a week. At first, I thought that he had a bunch of videos in the can and was just releasing them once a week. This is way too frequent but whatever. I don’t care. These videos are all shit anyway.
But no. I think that he’s making these videos, one after another, week after week. Because no time AT ALL has been put into any of these videos.
4:00 – Then he complains that none of these six games that he’s “reviewed” thus far has the Jurassic Park theme music. He made this exact same complaint in a different video. And yes, he “reviewed” six games in four minutes.
Maybe they have the music later in the game. But he quit on the first level for all of these. It’s unbeliveable.
4:15 – Now he’s going to “review” a game for the Sega CD.
5:30 – It’s a point and click adventure game and Chris BORES doesn’t know what he’s doing. Of course. So he quits again.
5:45 – “All I wanted was a game where I could have fun interacting with shit. I mean, hell, I’d even settle for having AVGN’s alter ego Rex Viper in this game.”
What? What kind of transition is that? Why would Rex Viper be in a Jurassic Park game?
Oh. Like tyrannosaurus rex, I guess. Is that funny to anyone? It’s still completely idiotic. The connection is tenuous at best.
6:00 – So now we see Jjimmy in front of his beloved greenscreen. He’s wearing his Mortal Kombat hat because he doesn’t want people to know that he’s suffering from male pattern baldness. I think that the cat is out of the bag, Jimmy. You can take your hat off now.
Now Chris BORES appears in front of the greenscreen. They filmed this separately, of course. We’re not fucking morons. Jimmy did this same thing in the AVGN video with Tony from Hack the Moves. The Leaving Las Vegas “parody”. Jimmy was terrified of covid so he filmed his part separate from Tony and then they “seamlessly” blended the footage.
I…oh god. I have to transcribe all of this.
Jimmy: Oh, hey. Irate Gamer. What’s wrong? You’re looking kind of irate.
Bores: Yeah, hey James. Well, you’d be irate too if you had to review all of these stupid Jurassic Park games.
Jimmy: James? Hey, hey, hey. I’m trying to blend in with all of these dinosaurs here so please call me by my band name Rex Viper.
(Jimmy holds up a Rex Viper poster)
Jimmy: You know. Like t-rex.
(BORES makes a face)
Jimmy: Yeah. You like that, don’t you? Well, we play retro dinosaur rock. Yeah.
Bores: Alright. Enough with the plugs already.
Jimmy: Sorry for the shameless plug and good luck with these Jurassic Park games. You’re going to need it.
Bores: Just wait until I’m on his show.
That’s it. I just transcribed the entire interaction. What in the fuck was the point of this? It had nothing to do with the video. It was just an ad for Rex Viper. And not even a good ad. Nobody unfamiliar with Rex Viper learned anything about Rex Viper from this thing. What is anyone supposed to take away from this?
And Jimmy is trying to blend in with the dinosaurs by…calling himself Rex Viper? It doesn’t make sense. The dinosaurs don’t understand English. Doesn’t Jimmy know this?
6:45 – “With the exception of Jurassic Park 2 on the Game Boy, these Jurassic Park games suck.”
He didn’t even “review” Jurassic Park 2 for the Game Boy. What is this? Maybe it was in the previous video. The one that was four minutes long.
7:00 – So now he’s “reviewing” a Jurassic Park arcade game. There are only 36 seconds left so this won’t be much of a review. And he’s in front of his cheap, shitty, half-arcade machines that they sell at Walmart or wherever.
Why is he talking like Elmer Fudd now. Just listen to this. Did I suddenly lose my mind or is this really happening?
“Here’s a dino-blasting experience I was wooking for.”
7:15 – Then BORES is suddenly in front of a greenscreen again and running from a dinosaur.
Why? Why any of this? He “reviewed” this game for fifteen seconds.
That’s the video. This is maybe a new low. This might be the worst game review video I’ve ever seen. And I’m including the entire Erin Plays videography in this.
Let’s check out the comments. Maybe BORES wasn’t able to completely scrub them yet.
– “Nothing makes a person more irate than having to listen to Rex Viper”
– “James doesn’t have enough advertisements in his videos HE now has to advertise in other people’s videos? I hope he paid you at least.”
It is peculiar. What did BORES get out of that?
On the other hand, why would Jimmy pay for this? As an advertisement, it was totally ineffective. If you didn’t already know what Rex Viper is, this ad wasn’t going to help you. It’s some sort of a band? I guess? Now what? Where can we hear some songs?
Don’t know. There was no link. He didn’t mention his upcoming live performance at Too Many Games or whatever. He just held up a sign that said “Rex Viper” on it. What the fuck is this?
This also didn’t solve the age old question of is Rex Viper Jimmy’s alter ego or is it the name of the band? Or as a third option, is Rex Viper the forgotten roadie of the band? What exactly is Rex Viper? I actually follow this shit and I don’t know what Rex Viper is. How can somebody who’s just learning about Rex Viper from this video going to have any idea what it is?
– “I thought it was REX VIPER RIIIIGGGGSSSS!!!!! Not just plain old Rex Viper”
Yeah, who knows? For somebody who’s obsessed with lore, James didn’t figure this one out AT ALL. James is Rex Viper. The band is Rex Viper. The roadie is Rex Viper.
Are the other (totally disposable) people in the band Rex Viper too? They’re all just Rex Viper? Whatever musicians happen to show up for this nerd convention, they’re all named Rex Viper.
– “I am glad that you have something new out, but I have to be honest with this one. This feels rushed.”
This guy is a master of the understatement.
– “Chris, have you ever actually head Rex Viper play ? I’m genuinely curious.”
– “lol at 2:41 using a snes controller on a genesis game, better video editing next time.”
– “I have enjoyed this season Chris. Looking forward to season 9.”
This guy is on another planet. There were FOUR videos in “season 8”. Four, insanely rushed videos.
Oh my god. The retards on Reddit are actually debating whether or not James was in the same room as BORES.
Anyway, this video was shockingly bad.
-
Purr Pals (Wii) – Angry Video Game Nerd – Cinemassacre
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fg1oKKz7NOw
0:15 – But first, a word from our sponsors. And Jimmy is in front of a green screen movie theatre. Some VPN. Is he going to talk about how you can watch stuff on Netflix in other regions, even though I’m pretty sure that this is against Netflix’s terms of service? I’ll guess…yes.
0:30 – I WAS RIGHT!
Let’s just settle this once and for all. Is it in fact against the terms of service to use VPNs to bypass region filters on Netflix? Let me look this up.
https://www.reddit.com/r/technology/comments/31ot3b/netflixs_new_terms_allows_the_termination_of/
Yeah. Right here. That post is from seven years ago but apparently, Netflix can terminate your account if they determine that you’re using a VPN to bypass region locks.
There’s a recent post where somebody raises a question about why so many Youtubers advertise VPNs as a way to bypass region lockouts.
If other “Youtubers” are doing this, it must be in the script that these VPNs are sending out. Because Jimmy ALWAYS mentions this.
Nobody is going to kick your front door in for using a VPN and Netflix isn’t going to terminate your account. But it seems to clearly be against the terms and conditions. These region locks are there for a reason. Netflix doesn’t have the rights to show the particular program in a particular region. Whatever. It just seems weird to me that this is what’s used to advertise the service.
1:30 – “Remember the Nintendo Wii?”
Good god, James. Just shave your head. You don’t even have to shave it. Just get some clippers, put a number two guard on it, and go to work. This looks awful.
2:15 – He’s “playing” Party Babies. What? Where’s Purr Pals?
2:45 – Then James starts jerking the Wiimote off. For this game about babies. Umm…let’s just move on.
3:45 – Now he’s “playing” Balls of Fury. By the way, it’s Kieran playing all of these games.
4:00 – Now Kieran is playing Monkey Mischief. What is this shit? Why are there these 15 seconds reviews? And for Balls of Fury he literally said, “There’s nothing to say about this one.” So why is it in the video?
4:15 – Billy the Wizard. There was nothing to say about that previous game, by the way. Anything to say about this one, Mike, or whoever wrote this shit? Probably Mike.
No.
4:45 – “Of all the games I’ve auditioned, I think the one you need to see is Purr Pals.”
He’s auditioning games? I mean, obviously he doesn’t play any of these games. He’s only doing this shit for “content”. And it’s not James who’s doing any of this “research” it’s Mike. Possibly Kieran and/or Justin Silverman.
Still…”auditioning” games. That’s doesn’t sound good. Especially given what he did with Party Babies. Party Babies got the casting couch treatment from Jimmy.
“It’s one of those virtual pet games where you raise a pet.”
You just know that Jimmy never played such a game in his life. It’s so disingenuous.
5:00 – Then Jimmy playing with his real cat. His fucking hairy ape arm stroking this cat. It’s uncomfortable to watch. “You’re so soft. You’re so soft you white, little, fluffy piece of shit.”
Gross. And you know that he has a scat fetish so this is a term of endearment for him. The ramifications of it all. I don’t want to think about any of this.
5:30 – Then James…oh fuck. I don’t even want to quote it. But he makes some weird scat/bestiality “joke” about how cats raise their backsides when you pet them.
5:45 – “I looked up the reason why cats do this.”
Please no. Just stop this.
“It’s because they want to mark you with their scent from their anal glands.”
Why is this in the video? We don’t want to hear about Jimmy’s scat/bestiality fetishes. This is beyond vile. Who the fuck thought that this was a good idea?
6:15- Then there’s yet more footage of ape arms over here petting his cat. “So much fur. So much fur, you little fucking piece of shit.”
This…come on. It’s disgusting. I don’t even have words to describe it.
7:30 – “You can even spray the cat with water. Oh come on. Really?”
Then he just moves on. This was just a complete throwaway comment. But isn’t this how people train cats? Maybe corporal punishment is frowned upon when training cats nowadays but…it’s a cat. And it’s water. You’re not going to be able to sit down and reason with it.
And anyway, given the unspeakably vile stuff that James seems to be into with his cat…spraying the cat with some water is far less damaging to the cat.
7:45 – “What really concerns me is the gasoline and propane tank. Who the hell lets their cat play around gasoline and propane.”
Again, there’s this bizarre, faux outrage over poor pet owners. The cat is wandering around in the garage. I don’t think that the owner intentionally put the cat in the garage. Maybe it’s not even the owner’s garage. Maybe it’s a neighbour’s garage. Does the whole town have to cat-proof their garages?
And again…James…his cat…poop. I don’t want to think about any of this. James is like fucking Lenny from Of Mice and Men. But…with poop stuff. Not even Lenny was doing that. Never in a million years would John Steinbeck think of something so disgusting.
9:15 – Bizarre, unnatural, laughter from Jimmy. No human laughs like this. This is what an alien would sound like when trying to mimic human behaviour.
10:15 – There was a cat playing ping pong in the game. Jimmy pretended to find this hilarious even though I’ve seen stuff like this before. Was it on America’s Funniest Home Videos or something? Jimmy must have missed that episode even though he says that he’s a big fan.
So anyway, now there’s Jimmy in front of a greenscreened backyard playing table tennis with his cat. Why does everything have to be greenscreen? Why couldn’t he just film this in his actual backyard? Or somebody else’s yard? Ryan’s yard. Kieran’s yard. Mike’s yard. Come on. The greenscreen looks AWFUL. It always looks awful. Why do this?
And the fucking cat is greenscreened. There’s really badly animated shit of the cat hitting the ball with its paw and tail.
11:15 – Atrocious acting from Jimmy. I won’t even describe it.
14:15 – Reference to cleaning cat shit. James is getting excited over here.
Oh, this is fucking gross. I thought that it would just be a quick throwaway “joke”. No. They’re lingering on this. Of course. This is his fetish.
Then Jimmy goes really close to the screen to get a good look at the virtual cat shit.
Is there ANYBODY who finds this funny? It’s just disgusting. He’s getting off on this.
15:15 – Then he drinks water from a beer bottle. He has to get re-hydrated after all of the masturbation that took place off-camera.
15:45 – “Well, I came really close to saying that this game sucks so badly, it would be more fun to play with cat turds. Well, then here comes a game where you’re actually playing with cat turds. Oh my god.”
I think that Jimmy needs to change his underpants now.
“Somebody made this game for me.”
Indeed.
Then there’s extended footage of Jimmy pretending to play this game and he says things like, “Come on. Pick up the shit.”
I don’t even want to say anything any more.
He says “shit” about two dozen times. This is funny, right? No. He’s jerking over this stuff.
17:00 – “The only things better would be if you took control of the cat’s asshole and aimed the shit into the doody pan.” and there’s poorly-animated footage of shit coming out of James’ actual cat’s anus.
Where did James get the picture of his cat’s anus? From his own personal spank bank. He probably has thousands of such pictures. And this cat shit is real cat shit, again from his own archive.
17:45 – Then the video ends with a tribute to another of James’ cats. That poor creature. What horrors has it witnessed? At least it’s gone now.
What must James be doing with his cat’s faeces? I don’t want to know. But you just know it’s something. Something so unspeakably horrific that it would open a door in your mind that you could never close. So let’s just stop here.
Please, Screenwave ,get Jimmy the help that he needs. Don’t just use him as a cash cow. He’s a human being who needs urgent psychological intervention.
Oh, I almost forgot the credits. “Written, directed by, & Starring James Rolfe.”
Uh huh. Sure it was.
“Help by Kieran Fallon”.
Mmhmm. How exactly did he help? We know that he got all of the game footage. Did he also write this? Or was it Mike? We know that it wasn’t James.
-
Getting *Nostalgic* with Bobdunga
https://twitter.com/bobdunga92/status/1537949477473902592
I NEED YOUR HELP TWITTER: Do you know of any creators who focus a lot on early 90s television shows? More specifically, teen comedies and dramas? Saved by the Bell, Melrose Place, General Hospital, My So Called Life, shows of that nature who would be willing to help me?
Why is she interested in this? Bobdunga was born in 1992. She’s interested in television shows from when she was no older than three years old?
It would be like me being interested in Charlie’s Angles. Or The Waltons. Or The Tim Conway Show. I’ve never seen any of that shit and I don’t give a fuck about it. It’s from before my time.
Why doesn’t Saint Dungalous do a video on stuff that she’s GENUINELY *nostalgic* for? Stuff from when she was between the ages of about 12 to 16. This would be from 2004 to 2008. There weren’t teen comedies and dramas during those years? There must have been loads of them. Let me look for a list.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_teen_dramas#United_States
Oh, Gilmore Girls. That’s the only one that I recognise from the first column that fits between these years. I never saw it, though.
There’s A LOT of shit on the WB. Shit that I’ve never heard of but I wasn’t watching the fucking WB. The whole channel was for these types of shows.
Anyway, that list is for the US. Bobdunga is from Canada. Let me check the list for Canada.
Degrassi: The Next Generation. Why doesn’t she do a video on that? It ran from 2001 to 2015. I’m sure that it was very popular. They used to show Degrassi shit in the US on PBS in “the 90s”. Possibly even the 1980s.
So that’s another thing. Bobdunga is faking *nostalgia* for shows that quite possibly weren’t even broadcast in her country.
Fucking General Hospital. Does she even know what that is? It’s not a teen drama or comedy. And it’s not associated with the 1990s. It’s a soap opera that ran from the 1950s to the 1990s, I’d guess. Soap operas were for bored housewives. I’ll have to look this up now too.
Oh wow. It’s still going. And it started in 1963. But yeah, it’s a soap opera. Teenagers from the 1990s weren’t watching General Hospital.
Fucking ridiculous. Maybe she wants to find “content creators” who deal with this type of shit so that they can school her on the subject. But why even bother? Just make a video on something that you actually have some connection with. Not this fake bullshit.
Some fucking weirdo plugs her Fresh Prince of Bel Air podcast.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/live-from-the-poolhouse/id1512886615
How can there possibly be 49 episodes about the Fresh Prince of Bel Air? And each one of these is 90 minutes. What is she talking about? A deep dive into every time Jazz got thrown out of the house?
Somebody else recommends that lunatic PushingUpRoses.
Anyway, yeah. Saved by the Bell. That’s the only one of these shows that I ever saw. And I was in the proper demographic. Well, I suppose that these shows were aimed at girls.
Didn’t Screech die recently? He was a scumbag.
And maybe 20 years ago, I read something about Slater judging a wet t-shirt contest at Spring Break. He was one of the “celebrity” judges. He obviously fell on hard times after the show ended.
Have any of those people done anything with their lives since the show ended? Elizabeth Berkley was in Showgirls but this was decades ago and hardly advancing her career.
Zack seems to still be getting steady acting jobs. Slater, Kelly, and Jessie Spano seem to be on the fringes of Hollywood, at best.
But there’s scant information on Lisa. A couple of direct to video things from ten years ago and some cameos on the recent short-lived Saved by the Bell reboot. It seems that she hasn’t done much of anything since the show ended, with the possible exception of illicit narcotics.
I would have liked to see some of these people become a plumber or something. Why does that so rarely happen? Just get a regular fucking job like a normal person. Isn’t that less degrading than doing student films and desperate shit like this? It would be more lucrative too.
I was reading recently that Heidi Lucas from Salute Your Shorts is a lawyer. Good for her. By contrast, Donkey Lips hasn’t worked a day in his life since the show ended. No, that’s not true. He had a cameo in Dude, Where’s My Car that he frequently mentions. He has some depressing as fuck videos on Youtube. He hasn’t uploaded in quite a while, though.
Bobdunga should be more like Ms Lucas and less like Donkeylips. This Youtube shit is never going to be a success. Just go get a job. What’s the big deal?
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Dragon's Lair (NES) Getting Through the Drawbridge – Erin Plays
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hH5V-1j88g
We’re going old school. The first day of May, 2017. One of Erin’s earliest videos. This is before she got with Mike. She was still in California. Living with her parents. Working in the record store. Filming in her bedroom. Shorter hair. She was 29 or 30 years old.
0:00 – “Hey guys!”
She never bothered to change this totally boring, unimaginative opening.
“Today we’re going to be playing Dragon’s Lair on the NES. I really enunciated that part because every time I say it, it feels like I’m saying ‘Dragon Slayer’, not ‘Dragon’s Lair’, which is like a totally different thing.”
Uhhh…that’s the joke, you fucking record store-working retard. A little word play. She’s a big Dragon’s Lair fan, guys.
“I’m sure that that’s a game too but nobody’s talking about that.”
And there’s a picture of some Dragon Slayer game that Erin has never heard of before and certainly never played before.
0:15 – “I’m going to be trying to get past the first stage of the game, just the bridge, and then after that we’ll see how it goes.”
This is the first and only time that Erin has ever played this game. But she’s mentioned this historic moment subsequently. Mike once asked her if she knew about the game Dragon’s Lair and Erin thought about it for a while and said something like, “Yeah, that game sucks.” She was talking about the NES game. She’s totally unfamiliar with the arcade game, which is what Mike was talking about. And she only knows about the NES game from this video in 2017.
0:45 – She immediately dies in this edited video. Then she says, “I’m going to pause for a minute. Oh, okay. So pause is not ‘start’, it’s ‘select’ in this game. That’s already a red flag in my eyes. Not a big deal but for me, ‘start’ should be pause. I don’t know. That’s just what I think.”
What a hot take that was. Erin thinks that “start” on the NES should always be “pause”. Not “select”. She’s a real gamer, boys. She knows all about this kind of obscure video game trivia like how “start” is usually pause on the Nintendo Entertainment System. And in most every console subsequently released.
2:30 – “He looks funny crawling around.”
Cute.
She really sucks at this, by the way. In edited footage.
3:00 – “We did it! We did it! We got past the bridge in Dragon’s Lair. I’ve never done that before.”
You don’t say. And you’ll never do it again.
Then she continues playing. The video only has two minutes remaining so fortunately, this will be over soon.
4:45 – She didn’t get far at all. Then we get a brief glimpse of her ice cream tattoo.
Erin doesn’t really wear sleeves that are this short any more, does she? Because I haven’t seen this tattoo in ages. Let me check a recent stream.
Well, she’s wearing a sweater in a recent stream. And then a Ramones long-sleeve shirt. She’s a big Ramones fan, guys. She wasn’t even born when they were at their peak.
But in the recent Pac-Man stream that she did with Mike, she is wearing a t-shirt. The sleeves are slightly longer than in this 2017 video but not by much. I can’t see the tattoo. Is it just the slightly longer sleeves that cover it or is it because the window is so small or did she perhaps have the tattoo removed?
“I’ve tried it. I’ve had enough. Well, that’s not true because actually, I kind of have the urge to keep going just because I need to beat this thing.”
Five years later, we’re still waiting. Maybe she beat it in her spare time. I guess anything is possible.
5:00 – “That’s one of the most frustrating games that I think I’ve played.”
At this point, Erin had only played…let’s count them…nine games. Nine games in her life. They’re all there, recorded for posterity. She played Adventures in the Magic Kingdom, Felix the Cat, Panic Restaurant, Bible Buffet, Food Fight, Burger Time, Yoshi’s Island, Contra, and Super C.
So out of those nine games, that she played once each, briefly, for the purpose of Youtube videos, Erin found Dragon’s Lair to be the most frustrating. Okay. Great.
“Maybe I’ll do another video where I actually beat the whole game.”
Forgotten dreams.
“If you think that’s something that you want to see, let me know in the comments.”
No thanks, Erin. It’s been five years. It would have happened already.
5:15 – “Yeah. Definitely lives up to everything that I’ve ever heard about this game.”
Such as? Who the fuck is talking about Dragon’s Lair for the NES? I’ve gone my whole life and never heard anybody mention this game.
Let’s check out the comments. Only 117 comments.
Top comment is, “How did Mike Matei make it look so easy?” That comment was left five years ago. So this was before she got with Mike. Right? How soon after she started the channel did she get with Mike? Was it a year? Two years? It might have only been a year. I suppose that we can find out by seeing when the backgrounds changed.
The last video she did in her parents’ home was “Remembering Lunchables”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QUpfMpkEIY
That was 2 July 2018.
The first video where she’s in Mike’s house is “He-Man (Intellivision & Atari)”
That was 10 July 2018.
So…her first video was on 3 January 2017. It only took her a year and a half to find some desperate “Youtuber” to scrounge off of.
And she’s been with Mike for nearly four years now. What does she have to show for it? Her channel is still trash, nobody is watching, and she’s getting fifty buck a month. Rectal trauma and public humiliation is all that she got out of this scam.
I was watching an interview with a former porn star, she did a lot of anal scenes, and she was talking about how nice it is now to be able to defecate without it hurting. She wasn’t even joking.
What an absolute disaster of a life. But this was all calculated. She started the channel with the intention of getting into a fake relationship with a bigger Youtuber in order to become a big Youtube superstar. Didn’t exactly pan out. AT ALL. That’s what’s so delicious about the Erin Plays saga. She was trying to do something really horrible and she failed spectacularly. Now it hurts when she poops. That’s the only thing that she got out of this.
Has anyone commented on this video recently? Yeah, here’s one from a year ago.
– “Id like to see the end of this. Also a full walk through no editing”
I’d like to see that too. Let’s get a deathless speedrun of the game from Erin.
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SUCKERPUNCH – LIKE GOLD (Official Visualizer) – Mint Salad
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2_COX2Qtik
This is Mint Salad’s pimp/boyfriend. I don’t know his name. He made a song. I couldn’t find the lyrics anywhere and it would have REALLY helped because this shit is largely indecipherable. This is what I’ve managed to piece together.
(weird sitar music)
I’m Little Isis Cold
If you don’t like me, you don’t like gold
Yeah, I’m Little Isis Cold
If you don’t like me, you don’t like goldEverybody in the game want the crown
I don’t want the crown, I want to reign in the crowd
I want to reign and apply
I want to harvest this hard work straight out of the groundI’m out of poverty
Bars closed, lay vacant in town
Cities are not close
Cases don’t get closeNorthern Nevada with the venomous pit bulls
Got stabbed once and got hit smaller
Went hunk bowling
Like, oh shit, broI ain’t going no further than this though
This, only this, right here at this show
I live in the moment and look forward to exist
So I’ll die for the moment that took me there as a kidOhhhh.
I’m Little Isis Cold
If you don’t like me, you don’t like gold
Yeah, I’m Little Isis Cold
If you don’t like me, you don’t like goldPull up in a grey beef verbose team
I vape single and rolls until we out of ice cream
It’s always on deck
I’m a living car wreckProtect your neck
Or I’ll vamp out at you next
Coast to coast, I’ll live in a car yet
Roast to roast, do we know who they are yet?Nothing’s ever been safe
Birth to man’s death
The miracle rapper
Hero of the WestI’m Little Isis Cold
If you don’t like me, you don’t like gold
Yeah, I’m Little Isis Cold
If you don’t like me, you don’t like goldI’m Little Isis Cold
If you don’t like me, you don’t like gold
Yeah, I’m Little Isis Cold
If you don’t like me, you don’t like gold(a black 13 year old boy is singing now)
I told you I’m a motherfucking guy
If I don’t do my job, I’m going to have to get to my aunt
Yeah. I got girls on my line
If they say the word, I’m going to take them to the topHey. Hey. Happy birthday to me
I’m 20 years old. Still got a place to pee
We gonna barf ’til it’s over
Pass the beat on meGot a theme
Sucker punch
Kick your nigga in the face
Bruce LeeNew me
Looking at the old me
If these niggas knew me
Butter like I’m KobiOld bee
Oh yeah, I run with the hos
I take the bad girls
And I turn them into low meanMay Can’t Till with the crew
No means no
Feeling like to go
Filled with the ego
That’s worse. No hopeLoco Get down, low low
Go up, never come down. Fuck pogo
Can’t fuck with hate
Because I won’t be a bozo(A man in a dress is singing now)
Yeah, I see him looking like a bozo
While I’m over here huffing gold dust
I just sneezed a million dollars
I have only gotten hotter and hotterMelting gold
Cascading
Do shit
Wrecked lower deckFire on my name
From start to end
I like gold
I’m like goldWhen I swing, I strike gold
When I sing, I break mould
In the coldest place
Where I stay coldSo call me The Prospector
No time for lecture
Five finger impression
Sucker punch. Smash mouthIt’s that fucking East Coast Mid-style
No fucking doubt
Read the telegraphThat was fucking awful. What even is this? Somebody in the comments calls it “Ultra cringe”. Mint Salad’s fat fuck pimp/boyfriend replies, “Cringe Core Hip Hop”. I guess so.
These are the worst fucking lyrics of all time. I obviously got them wrong, but I wasn’t doing this for comedy purposes. I listened to each section over and over again, trying to figure it out, and I transcribed everything as best as I can. Very rarely does it even approach making sense. Even if we had the correct lyrics, I’m certain that it wouldn’t make much sense.
This has 348 views. What’s the point? Why do any of this?
I understand that some people like making music or rapping just for fun. But why not put some time into the lyrics?
I suppose that there are plenty of songs that don’t make sense. But this thing has nothing going for it. At all. What the fuck was that sitar music? And I swear that black guy sounds 13 years old. No way is he 20. And then there was the man in a dress at the end to really amp up the cringe.
Little Isis Cold. What the fuck was he saying? I think that his artistic name is Vizier. There is NO WAY that he was saying “Vizier”. So what was it?
And that guy was the worst. By far. They were all bad. They were all hard to decipher. But that fat fuck in the beginning was horrendous.
The refrain doesn’t even make sense. “If you don’t like me, you don’t like gold.” What’s the possible connection? Well, I suppose that he’s saying that he’s gold personified. I respectfully disagree.
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Kristin Epstein – The Elusive Operations Director of Screenwave Media
https://twitter.com/schottkristin
I was looking at some tweets from Johanna and noticed that a Kirstin Epstein replied to one of them. I clicked the link and it said that she was Operations Director at Screenwave. Well, nothing really interesting about that so I moved on.
A while later, I happened to be looking for information about Screenwave. I found this video:
It’s from 69 News, rural Pennsylvania’s most trusted news source. They’re doing an interview with Ryan Schott and his sister Kristin Schott.
0:15 – “Ryan Schott and his sister Kristin run Screenwave Media in Chalfont. Ryan started the business after working with his friend The Angry Video Game Nerd.”
Her name is given as Kristin Schott. This was in 2019. She must have subsequently married a Jewish man with the name Epstein.
Why have we never heard of this woman before? This is the co-owner of the company. Or something. This news piece describes them as running the company together.
What is an “Operations Director”? Let me look this up.
“The role of operations director generally encompasses the oversight of operational aspects of company strategy with responsibilities to ensure operation information is supplied to the chief executive and the board of directors as well as external parties.”
So I don’t know. But it’s something. “Running the company” was the description.
Here’s her LinkedIn:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/kristinepstein?trk=public_profile_samename-profile
Screenwave Media. Operations Director. 2013 to present.
She was still in college in 2013, by the way. Typical nepotism.
Back to the video.
0:30 – “Screenwave really came out of the idea that I could take the lessons I learned building The Angry Video Game Nerd brand and building that presence and apply it to other creators.”
That’s not exactly a ringing endorsement. “Hey, Youtube Content Creator! You know how Screenwave fucked up AVGN hard? Well, we can do the same for you!”
Anyway, Kristin. It’s just weird that we’ve never heard anything about this. We were always told that it’s Ryan running the show.
Let me state, as tactfully as I can, that Kristin can afford to lose some weight. And certain catty gay men on certain sub-reddits may find cause to draw attention to this. So maybe that’s why she keeps a low profile.
But I find it misleading that we’ve never heard anything about this woman before. I want to know the full corporate structure of Screenwave. Why the secrecy? What are they hiding? What other members of the Schott clan are employed there?
A degree in English qualifies this woman to be Operations Director. And she hadn’t even graduated when she started the job.
A lot of people who are entering a family business might get a degree in business or management or something like this. She went with English.
West Chester University of Pennsylvania has an acceptance rate of 86%. Hardly an elite institution.
Ryan is listed as the “co-founder” of Screenwave. I think it’s because his father put up some or all of the money to start the company. Why don’t we know anything about him?
I found a list of officers.
https://www.crunchbase.com/organization/screenwave-media/people
The only name on here I recognise is Justin Silverman. And Annie Wang may or may not be the chubby Asian woman who appeared in a couple of videos.
Oh, this is weirdly out of date because SuperRetroGal is on here. She only worked there for like a week. Over a year ago. Maybe anyone who ever was an officer is on this list. And by “officer”, they’re including something as low-level as “channel manager”.
I’m not seeing any obvious relatives of Ryan, other than his sister.
If you do some more sleuthing, you’ll find more comprehensive lists. Some of them have Newt on them, which is kind of funny. And I found the in-house lawyer at Screenwave. Even he’s obese. What’s going on there?
Anyway, in this video Ryan is in front of his arcade machines. He’s spending lavishly. He’s making all of this money off of the labour of other people. Everyone in his family seems to be feasting on this. They’re parasites. But you can still feel good watching this because you know that this wealth is fleeting. How much longer can this Screenwave venture possibly last? I don’t even know what they do. Does anyone? They just take 20% of a channel’s Youtube earnings…for nothing. And they ran Cinemassacre into the ground with their mismanagement.