WTF Wednesday Review: SHARKULA – Newt Wallen (part 1 of 2)

This is a movie that somebody made, nothing to do with Newt, and Newt is upset because he also had an idea for a shark/vampire movie.  Also called Sharkula.  He later changed the name to Jawsferatsu.  

1:00 – One of the movies that this “company” makes is called Amityville Shark.  

Gee, Newt.  Where do you get your ideas?  Now he’s ripping off ideas that other people ripped off.  Where does it end?

1:30 – Newt shows his script for Shark Vampire, says that he showed it to Screenwave, and Screenwave had a lot of edits.  He’s told this story before.  They wanted to remove a lot of the tits and gore.  What’s even left?  This is all that Newt knows how to do.  If you take out the tits and gore, you turn a 90 page script into a paragraph-length script.

2:30 – Newt was tasked with writing a horror script for a producer in Louisiana (the film-producing capital of Cajun country) around a Christmas theme.  So Newt shat out a script in two days and called this “movie” A Christmas Mummy.  He says that he found this title to be “really funny.”

Am I missing something?  How is it funny?  Is it some kind of word play that I’m not getting?  There’s A Christmas Story.  That can’t be it.  Or is it?  Because that’s all that I can think of.  But that’s not remotely similar.  Nobody would make the connection.  There’s no connection to make.  They’re simply both words that end with “Y”.  

HOW THE FUCK IS THIS FUNNY?  I want Newt himself to field this one.  Leave a detailed explanation in the comments explaining this “joke”.  And don’t use your fucking voice to text thing because you’re too lazy to type and it’s a convenient excuse to explain away all of the misspelled words.  TYPE IT OUT.  Full sentences.  Show what a great writer you are.  I’ll start you off.  “The Christmas Mummy is a really funny title because…”

Then he describes the movie.

“So I wrote this things where it’s a Hallmark movie mixed with From Dusk till Dawn with the mummy from Krampus which instead of being wrapped in bandages it’s wrapped in fucking tattered Christmas wrapping.”

He goes on like this.  This is how he describes every “movie” idea he ever has.  It’s just bits from other movies.  With tits and gore.

3:30 – “They wanted something more vulgar than even I was willing to write: a lot more nudity, a lot more Troma-level gore.”

It’s just so fucking stupid.  He’s wasting his life with this shit.  

So he turned this Christmas horror movie into Shark Vampire.  Whatever.  I don’t give a shit.

He says that he got the idea from a movie called Sharkenstein.  Let’s just move on.

4:30 – Shout out to horny John Riggs.  Newt was talking to him on Twitter.

5:30 – “So I had re-written my draft to be literally Dracula with a shark head.  I came up with a really fucking funny backstory about how it worked and when I explained it to people they were like, ‘Oh my god.  Yeah, that actually does work’.”

What’s the backstory, Newt?  “Really fucking funny”, you say.  Is it on part with “A Christmas Mummy”?  I enjoy humour.  Let’s hear it.

Wasn’t there a game show in the 1970s called Make Me Laugh?  Let me look this up.

Well, there were three versions.  One in 1958, one in 1979-1980, and one in 1997-1998.  There were three comedians and you get a dollar for every second you don’t laugh, up to three minutes.  They should bring this back.  I would kill on this show.  That $180 would be mine.  

7:30 – He’s talking about who was going to play the titular role in Shark Vampire.  “He was originally going to be played by Brad Jones, Cinema Snob.  We’ve talked a lot about it but I don’t think he’ll want to work with me because I’m not associated with the media company that I used to work with and those people and all.”

Oh right.  Brad Jones.  Rural Pennsylvania’s greatest thespian.  

“So I wrote the script and it was really funny.”

Hey guys!  A CHRISTMAS MUMMY!  I’ll give you a few moments to compose yourself.

8:15 – “I had this really funny opening.  It was going to be all animated.”

Can anybody direct me to a single thing that Newt has ever said or done that’s funny?  I mean intentionally funny.  I can’t think of anything.  He wasn’t funny on Talking About Tapes.  He’s not funny in these videos on his channel.  

I’m trying to think of “jokes” that he’s made.  At the end of one movie review, he suggested to PVC Bondage Girl that they should make a pornographic film together.  That’s not funny.  That’s just crass and sexual harassment.  

Going up to a woman and saying, “I want to have sex with you” is not funny.  Where’s the clever word play?  Where are the witty references?  Where’s the social commentary?  

Newt never does any of this stuff.  He doesn’t know how to be funny or entertaining.  Just vulgar.  That’s all that he knows.  That’s why this movie “review” is just Newt talking about tits and gore for 30 minutes.  Like every other video that he makes.

8:45 – Ryan Schott gave Newt Wallen $7,000 to make a neutered version of Shark Vampire.  This was after another “producer” kept trying to lowball Newt to the point where he was only going to give $2,000 to make the movie.  

Newt declined Ryan Schott’s offer of $7,000 because Newt is an ar-teest.  Shark Vampire MUST have tits and gore.  That’s what the people want, according to Newt.  Newt isn’t going to compromise his artistic vision.  A movie without tits and gore isn’t a movie.  

Just make something good.  For once in your fucking life.  Try to make something that people actually want to see.  Not these stupid “meme” movies, as you call them.  

He said earlier in the video that he was inspired by Clerks because Clerks was made in New Jersey or something and Newt constantly has to remind everyone that he’s from New Jersey.  If anything ever happens outside of New Jersey, Newt doesn’t give a fuck.  Only New Jersey matters.

So why doesn’t Newt make something like Clerks?  Something dialogue-driven.  Not tits and gore driven.  

Because he can’t fucking write and he knows it.  So why try to write films?  

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a pirate but I don’t actively pursue this dream.  I’d be a terrible pirate.  I’m not physically strong enough, I haven’t been on many boats, I’m allergic to seafood, I’ve never used a sword.  There’s a whole list of problems.  So I gave up.  

Simply wanting to do something is not enough.  You need the talent to back it up.  Newt does not have the talent.  AT ALL.  Just watch this video.  He’s bragging about coming up with SHARK VAMPIRE.  This is the world’s dumbest idea.  Children come up with this kind of shit.  Not grown men.  

9:00 – Newt is flipping through the pages of this script, starts laughing, and says, “I’m reading through some of the notes in here.  They’re actually kind of funny.”

Where’s the proof?  If this stuff is so fucking hilarious, let’s see it.  

9:15 – Wait a minute.  Newt agreed to make this movie for $7,000.  The non-tits and gore version.  He spent $2,000 on art for the movie poster, a tank prop, and getting a shark head from a puppet guy.  

Newt was also going to put his own money into this “to have more control of things.”

Is that how it works?  I’m not sure.

Somebody gives you $7,000 to make a specific movie.  You then put, say, $2,000 into the movie.  Does that mean that you can do whatever you want now?  Won’t the guy who spent $7,000 be pissed off?  

Even if you put $100,000 into the movie, wouldn’t the guy who spent $7,000 be pissed off?  He spent that money on a non-tits and gore movie but what he got was a tits and gore movie.  That can’t be right.

9:30 – “Then what started happening was, ‘This script’s not that good.  You’re not really a screenwriter.  You’re an idea man.'”

Yeah.  Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen.  Such great ideas as Shark Vampire, Amityville Arcade, Amityville Halloween, and puppet Plan 9 from Outer Space.

9:45 – “I heard that a lot in that time period, like, ‘You’re not really a good writer’ and that lead to some of my stress issues.”

IT’S REALITY.  I mean, what the fuck?  What can be said?  

You don’t like to tell somebody that what they’re doing sucks dick and they don’t have the talent for it but…Newt’s writing sucks dick and he doesn’t have the talent for this.  You can’t lie about this.  It would be cruel to feed his delusions.  Shark Vampire is never going to be a success.  None of these shitty movies that Newt talks about will ever be a success.  

I’m still waiting for Florida Man Saves Christmas.  It’s two months overdue.  When are we going to get it?  Open up the Newt merch store.  I want some Newt merch.  

Oh, I just remembered a “funny” “joke” that Newt said was in this comic book.  There’s a map of Florida and an arrow pointing to it saying, “America’s wang.”  Get it?  Because it vaguely looks like a penis?  Nobody’s ever made that joke before.  Newt was the first.

10:00 – “I really thought, ‘Wow.  Somebody believed in me enough to give me money to make a movie’ but they don’t really.  It was more like, ‘Let’s see if he fails and then we can keep him doing other people’s jobs.'”

There was no conspiracy.  Ryan Schott is not some master manipulator.  He simply saw what EVERYBODY can see.  Newt Wallen can not fucking write.  AT ALL.  Why does he continue with this?

“So it turned into a lot of meetings like, ‘We need to take out the nudity, we need to take out the gore.  We need to take out a lot of the dirtier puns’ and stuff like that.”

This is all that he does.  Everything is about tits and gore.  

How is that even something that’s in the script?  How does one write tits?  Or gore?  

What about the fucking story, Newt?  Is there a story to any of this trash?  Is it just page after page of stage directions describing bouncing boobs?  It doesn’t even make sense.  

He’s so outraged about them wanting to remove the tits and gore.  And every fucking thing that he talks about, all of his idiotic, child-like ideas, they’re all tits and gore.  I don’t get it.  

“Everybody please turn to page 23 where I detail how large the breasts should be and how she’s whacking Shark Vampire in the face with them.”  How do you write something like this?  I’m not a screenwriter.  Tell us, Newt.  We want to see these tits and gore scripts.

10:15 – “I wrote a line where one of the women who’s bitten by the Sharkula turns into like a Bride of Sharkula and she tricks this dude, who’s like one of our main characters, into going to a side room and they’re making out and she kind of dips down below camera.  And when he looks down, she’s got like a shark mouth.  She’s a Bride of Sharkula.  And she says, ‘chum shot’, head dips below camera, and then blood sprays all over his face.”

Oh.  By the way, Newt laughed when he was recalling this.  This is some of his “comedy”.  But yeah, the script does seem to be entirely descriptions of tits and gore.  This isn’t a script.  A script has dialogue.  This is just masturbatory shit.  And who would possibly masturbate over this?

10:30 – “I fucking thought ‘chum shot’, I wrote that and God high-fived me.  You know?  I thought that that was really funny.  That had to come out, obviously.”

Because it’s not remotely funny.  It’s stupid.  Why would somebody just say “chum shot” when performing fellatio on somebody?  It’s a reference to “cum shot”, of course, but why would the woman EVER say this in ANY situation?  The woman doesn’t know when the guy is going to cum.  No woman has EVER said “cum shot” while performing fellatio on a man.  Not once.  Why?  Because it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.

But this is like the funniest thing that he’s ever written.  Those two words.  The only bit of dialogue in this section of the script that he was detailing.  He’s told this story before.  This is an example of the hilarity of Newt Wallen.

11:45 – “I was getting aggravated because, again, if you’re making something called Sharkula, let’s give the people what they want.”

He’s talking about how Ryan or whoever wanted changes to the script.  Newt said earlier in this video that people going to a film called Sharkula expect tits and gore.  I don’t know how he reaches that conclusion.  What they want is a good movie, Newt.  Not trash.  This is trash.  Nobody wants to see trash.  Why would they?  

People who want to jack off will watch porn.  They don’t watch shitty tits and gore movies.  There’s no market for this.  You either watch porn because you want to jerk off or you watch a normal movie because you want to be entertained.  

In the 1970s, when porn was harder to acquire, MAYBE movies like this filled a niche.  But there’s no shortage of porn on the internet.  FREE.  Why would I need Shark Vampire to get me off?  Nobody is doing this.

Newt continues to detail the film and says that there’s a part that’s similar to Carnosaur where they do some analysis on shark DNA or something.  More stolen ideas from Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen.

12:30 – So when he got fired, Ryan wanted his $7,000 back.  Newt gave the money back but I’m not sure if he was legally required to do that.  He was paid to make a movie.  Surely, there was no condition that he had to be an employee of Screenwave in order to do this.  Was there a clause in the contract saying, “If you ever get caught plagiarising movie reviews for an autistic man, we reserve the right to void the contract and receive our money back in full”?  I’d be surprised.

After he got fired, he found out about this other movie called Sharkula that was coming out.  So Newt had to rename his movie Jawsferatsu.

I’m at 13:00.  I think that Newt is moving on to talk about the movie that actually got released now, as opposed to his idiotic tits and gore movie concept.  So I’ll stop here and do the rest tomorrow.  It’s already gone on too long.

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