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  • I'm Back!!!!!! – Horseface Returns to Twitch – Crystal Quin

       https://www.twitch.tv/misscrystalquin

    I don’t normally review Twitch because the videos are only up for two weeks but I have to make an exception here.  

    So it’s Horseface in a lot of makeup and wearing a small dress.

    Sound quality is awful.

    Well, I’m 90 seconds in and this is so fucking awful that I don’t even know what to say.  She’s annoying as fuck.  And it’s just Horseface talking about how she can’t figure anything out.  

    Every time somebody “follows” an annoying video pops up.  Not even subscribed.  Just followed.  Anybody can follow.  I’m pretty sure it’s free.  So this happens CONSTANTLY.  This annoying fucking video pops up with annoying fucking music.

    2:30 – Somebody subscribes because…this is top tier content…and then annoying video of a woman shaking her tits appears.  This is what happens when you subscribe.  You see this annoying video of a woman shaking her tits.

    So far, Horseface has said NOTHING even REMOTELY interesting.

    By the way, I’ve checked.  This video is two and a half hours long and…it’s “just chatting”.  She doesn’t play a game or…do anything.  It’s just two and a half delicious hours of Horseface McGee…doing whatever this is.

    Oh my god.  A word of warning.  I usually watch these videos in a fairly small window.  But Horseface advertised some of the incentives that you can get if you subscribe.  It’s some shit written on the screen and it was so small that I couldn’t see it.  So I went full-screen.

    Do not go full-screen on this video.  And if you’re watching this on a big screen tv, god help you.

    These “incentives” were less than nothing, by the way.  If you type something in the chat, you’re able to make some stupid video play.  Who would even want that?  I don’t want these fucking videos.  They’re annoying.

    4:15 – “So uhhhh…yeah.  So…hi guys!  Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

    What a showman.  Can you say something interesting, Horseface?  This must be why she only talks about hot chicks on Hack the Movies.  She’s a fucking moron.  She has absolutely nothing going on in that equine head of hers.

    4:45 – Somebody asks her about her snake.  So she has a snake.  She also has a cat named Belzebub or something.  I’m not looking up the correct spelling.  Who gives a shit?  She named her cat after Satan.  Because that’s wacky, right?  And having a snake?  Horseface is all about horror and being wacky.  

    She also had a gecko but the gecko died during her recent move.  She moved.  From where to where, I have no idea.  Still rural Pennsylavnia, presumably.

    5:15 – Then somebody else subscribes, she says, “hype train”, and that annoying video of the woman shaking her tits appears.

    Five minutes in.  When does this fucking start?  Is she going to say anything remotely interesting?

    6:00 – Some asshole plays one of these annoying scream sounds that Horseface inexplicably has set up and it throws Horseface’s train of thought.  I got the feeling that she was just about to start talking about something.  ANYTHING.  And then this fucking retard played the sound.  But the real retard is Horseface for having this shit set up like this.

    6:15 – She indicates that she streams with Kieran.  Unfortunately, Kieran’s streams are subscriber only.  Good luck with that, Kieran.

    6:45 – A horntard suggests that Horseface play Phasmophobia.  You know…because she’s so into horror shit.  Horseface says that she will but, spoiler, she doesn’t.

    I’m at ten minutes.  This is fucking…it’s an abomination.  She’s just responding to the IDIOTIC and POINTLESS comments from the horntards.  “The 90s were weird”, for example.  So she takes that and says that she’s not going to wear low-waisted trousers…which…she suggests were popular in the 1990s.  Were there?  Where was I?  But who gives a shit?  TALK ABOUT SOMETHING OF SUBSTANCE!

    And people just keep subscribing and following and these annoying fucking videos play.  So she has to stop with whatever idiotic thing she was talking about and thank the horntard.

    9:45 – “I’ve actually never seen Butterfly Effect.  I want to.”

    Now she’s stealing Erin’s gimmick.  Horseface must have been studying Erin’s videos and thinking, “How can I be even MORE boring?”  She’s going to start talking about colours next.

    10:15 – Somebody asks if she works for Screenwave or just helps out.  She says, “I just help out.  I have a full-time job somewhere else.  I’m a production manager for live events.”

    Also, she mentions that she started this stream with 90 viewers and now she’s at 60 viewers.  Thirty people just up and left.  Can you blame them?  THIS IS FUCKING AWFUL.  Everything she does is EXTREMELY OFF-PUTTING.  She’s begging people to leave.  These annoying fucking sounds and videos.  

    So then a horntard said that everybody left to watch AEW and Horseface agrees with that.  No.  These fucking retards just didn’t watch this trash.  Even the horntards have standards.

    And to suggest that people left to watch AEW…these are some hardcore nerds.

    When did wrestling become something that nerds enjoy?  It used to be the domain of children and morons.  But not nerds.

    11:15 – Horseface says that she’s known Justin for ten years, Tony for five years, and Johanna and everybody else for two years (which is when she started doing these Hack the Movies videos).  

    Then Horseface starts talking about how she “went to high school for acting.”  And her first “acting” job was at Underbelly (Justin’s old Youtube channel).  Uh huh.  What a thespian.  That “high school for acting” really paid off.

    Who the fuck talks about what they did in HIGH SCHOOL?  This is all that’s done.  She never went to college or anything.  What does it even mean to go to “high school for acting?”  She took a theatre class?  

    It’s not like you get different degrees after high school, like you do with college.  Everybody just gets a diploma.  There’s no acting diploma.  

    Was it a school dedicated to acting like in Fame or whatever?  How many of these schools can there possibly be?  And that sounds like something that would cost a lot of money.  Somehow I don’t think that Horseface was going to some expensive private school.

    Somebody leaves a comment, “Yeah, they all seem great. I’d give both nuts to hang out with them screenwave guys or their friends”.

    I don’t even know what to say.

    She keeps stopping what she’s saying, MID-SENTENCE, to recognise subscribers and followers and hype trains.  It’s TERRIBLE.  Then she forgets what she was talking about.

    16:00 – “I love streaming.  I feel like you guys are my family, my friends — HI MAGICNINJA!!!”

    Brutal.

    “What do I have planned for today’s stream?  I don’t know.”

    Oh really?  Because this seemed so well thought out so far.

    16:45 – She says that it takes less than two hours to shoot a Hack the Movies video.  So…nothing gets edited out, apparently.  

    18:00 – She says that she used to take notes while watching the movies as “research” but she doesn’t do that any more.  

    What notes was she fucking taking?  Noting all of the hot chicks?

    By the way, earlier in the video, Horseface was talking about mean people on the internet.  From the context, it seemed like she was talking about me.  Because who else is talking about Horseface?  

    I take no pleasure in insulting Crystal.  “Horseface” is a very cruel name.  I saw somebody call her “Horseface” on Reddit and I felt a teeny bit bad for having started this.

    But she’s awful.  She’s a horrible, horrible person.  Total narcissist.  

    You look at somebody like Erin, and yeah, she’s using Mike to try to become famous on Youtube.  This was all calculated.  And that’s narcissistic behaviour.  She’s also a compulsive liar and this whole video game thing is a complete and total fraud.  

    But outside of those things, I’m not aware of Erin doing anything particularly objectionable.  I’m not aware of her behaving in some kind of a psychotic or narcissistic fashion.  If you ignore the fake Youtube channel and the fake relationship with Mike, she just seems like a fairly shy woman who’s completely wasted her life.  It’s to be pitied.

    But Horseface is terrible.  Every story she tells is her behaving in a terrible fashion.  Every interaction I see with her and another human being is terrible.  Everything is about hot chicks.  Everything is about how she is.  She’s constantly trying to get attention to herself.  It’s fucking terrible.  She’s terrible.  

    So I don’t feel bad about it.  

    21:00 – Horseface says that she moved from a house to an apartment.  Was this because of a relationship ending?  We don’t know.  She doesn’t talk about her relationships.  She wants to give the illusion that the horntards can have sex with her.

    She mentions something called “Ladies on Tap” that she was involved with but I can’t find any information on it.

    Also, she’s wearing a dress but her legs are…I don’t even want to get into it.  But she talked about how she sits like this at her job too.  Uh huh.

    Oh, here we go.

    24:00 – “The reason I moved is I was in a nine year relationship.  It wasn’t him or anything like that.  He’s a phenomenal person.”

    Why would we assume that he’s the problem?  That guy must be completely deranged to spend nine years with Horseface.

    And how come we’ve never heard anything about this guy before?  Because she likes to present herself as single so that the horntards think that they have a chance.

    Also, when Newt was saying all of that creepy shit to Horseface, Horseface was in a long-term relationship.  When Newt STILL says creepy shit about Horseface, that she’s his muse and whatnot, Horseface was in a long-term relationship.

    “I thought that we were going to get engaged.  We talked about kids and everything.”

    No mention of this guy.  Ever.  And Newt was creeping on her hardcore.  I wonder why the relationship didn’t work out.

    25:00 – “I realised that I have a lot of past trauma that I never worked out.”

    That’s the reason she’s giving for the relationship ending.  I’d like to know the real reason.  I’d like to know why this guy finally decided that enough was enough.

    Then she gives some new age spiritual bullshit about she can’t be a good wife or mother “If I’m not the best version of me.”  Fuck off.

    “So I said, ‘I’m going to stop.  I need to work on myself’”.

    Well, she might be on to something.  She does need to work on herself.  Get some humility.  Put some clothes on.  Stop constantly thinking about yourself.

    This guy was in the marines.  Do you suppose that he has a “dad bod”?  Because Horseface recently said that she’s all about “dad bods”.  Probably not.

    “He also has a lot of PTSD”.

    I’ll bet.  But not from Afghanistan.  From dealing with this fucking lunatic for nine years.

    26:00 – Horseface suggests that she’s the one who ended the relationship.  Uh huh.  I’d like to hear the real story.  Who is this guy?  I’d like to do a full sit down interview with him.

    “I was always helping him and helping him out and I never felt that I could truly focus on me.”

    Are you fucking kidding me?  HORSEFACE THINKS THAT SHE’S TOO SELFLESS!

    She’s on another fucking planet.  She wants to be MORE self-obsessed?  How is it even possible?

    Oh, somebody left a comment.  I almost missed this.  “Same here I took a vow to stay single, ever since a narcissist almost ruined my life for so many reasons”

    The irony.

    Then Tony from Hack the Movies enters the chat and Horseface…fuck.  I don’t even care.  There’s another two hours of this.  How am I going to do this?  I’ve already written way too much.  I can’t do a multi-part review of a Twitch video because the video will be nearly gone by the time I’m done.

    32:15 – Oh.  Horseface says that she went to college.  That’s surprising.  

    33:15 – Horseface is talking about improvements that she’s made in her life over the past many months and she says that she “got rid of some toxic people.”  TAKE THAT, NEWT WALLEN, YOU TOXIC, PLAGIARISING, PIECE OF SHIT!

    She says that she was living in New York when she was with that guy for nine years and now she’s in New Jersey.  Too good for rural Pennsylvania?

    34:00 – “Now I’m trying to find out who I am.”

    A SELF-OBSESSED, OBNOXIOUS BITCH.  NOW MOVE ON!

    35:00 – She had chickens at her previous residence and wanted to bring them to her apartment.  She asked the landlord if that was okay, and he said no.  Of course he said no.  He’s going let 14 fucking chickens live in the apartment?  Is she fucking retarded?

    36:30 – “I want a farm one day.”

    Insert your own joke here.  

    She’s been talking endlessly about duck penises, by the way.  FUCK OFF!

    42:30 – She’s talking about X-Files.  She’s a big X-Files fan.

    Now the horntards are talking about anime and Horseface is pretending that she knows what they’re talking about.

    51:00 – Horseface is telling a BORING story about how she used to work as somebody who gives oysters and vodka at…”live events”.  So when she said that she works at “live events” currently, this is the sort of thing that she’s talking about: being a sleazy shots girl.  

    I’m done.  I have to skip around.  Maybe she’ll start talking about something more interesting.  Like gas prices.

    1:43:00 – She’s eating a chunk of liverwurst.  What?  This is disgusting.  I’d expect this from an animal but not a human being.

    That’s all that happened.  I skipped around some more but she was always talking about comic books or Godzilla or some boring nerd topic that the horntards suggested.  Then at the end of the stream, she threatens to stream again on Monday or Wednesday.

    A chunk of liverwurst.  What the fuck was that?  

    I don’t think that they sell that shit in the UK.  I’d eat it as a kid, though.  On sandwiches.  Not just straight from the fucking tube.  

    I couldn’t eat that shit now, though.  Not now that I know what it is.  And I certainly wouldn’t just eat a chunk of it like it’s a hand fruit.

  • Catching up with The Ideas Man – Newt Wallen

     https://twitter.com/stillnewtwallen/status/1552373221453971456

    “The @disneyplus @ILMVFX doc series is wonderful. Its all about #Moviemagic. Its all about the men and women who made those images and ideas come to life that are forever burned into my brain. And inspired me to want to create my own worlds and stories #filmmaking”

    I suppose that it’s true.  Disney did just rip off existing ideas for their movies.  They’d steal from folk tales and whatnot.  I can see why this would appeal to a young Newt Wallen.  Or modern day Newt Wallen.  He’s totally bereft of ideas.

    I like the horrible live-action Disney stuff from the 1960s and 1970s.  The Shaggy Dog.  The Shaggy DA.  Shit like this.  

    I’d watch this shit in school in the auditorium.  It was a “treat” once or twice a year.  Everybody in the school would go.  

    This must have been in the mid to late 1980s.  The Shaggy DA was released in 1976, which is before I was born.  And I remember watching this and thinking that it’s some old fucking movie.  It didn’t resonate at all with me.  It might as well have been made 100 years earlier.  But it was only like 10 years earlier.

    This is why I don’t understand Erin’s fake *nostalgia* for shit from before she was born.  She can’t possibly be *nostalgic* for this stuff.  I have no connection at all with anything from the 1970s.  It’s like it was made on another planet.  

    The Bad News Bears is another one.  It’s not Disney but it’s a 1976 movie.  I’ve probably seen it ten times.  It’s completely bizarre.  There’s a black power kid and some sort of Fonzie type character who rides a motorcycle and they’re all foul-mouthed kids.  I didn’t know anybody like this.  This shit wasn’t going on in the 1980s, at least not in my social circles.

    https://twitter.com/stillnewtwallen/status/1552352357790502915

    Oh, a picture of Newt with some skank from eight years ago.  Some skank who he was paying to hang out with him.  Pathetic.

    https://twitter.com/stillnewtwallen/status/1552318254516936708

    “My parents met because of #amityvillehorror its always been part of my life. Hell I have written 3 #amityville scripts myself #mutantfam”

    Three scripts based on an existing movie.  It’s basically fan fiction.  Bad fan fiction.  Come up with your own fucking ideas, Ideas Man.  It’s ridiculous.

    https://twitter.com/stillnewtwallen/status/1552015008510484481

    “After a couple dud reviews #Nope and #Elvis both did pretty well and got me to 8200 subs”

    And a giant screenshot of Newt’s channel getting 550,000 views.

    Newt…can you get it through your thick cranium that nobody gives a shit how many subscribers or views you get?  This is your own personal information.  We don’t need to know.  It’s between you and Youtube.

    And then the ladybodys reply with stupid gifs of Borat and people climbing a mountain and shit like this.  Newt wrote a fucking tweet to advertise the milestone that is 8200 subscribers.  And people replied.  “You’re smashing it, Newt!”

    This was the 8,200 subscriber special.  I can’t wait for the 8,238 subscriber tweet.

    Newt also re-tweets every actor who dies.  It’s pathetic.  If he was such a David Warner fan why the fuck did he never mention him before?  

    Let’s check out Horseface.

    https://twitter.com/CrystalQuin/status/1552364021311045634

    “Today, I stream again! Thinking around 8pm.”

    Oh, that’s right.  Horseface is returning to Twitch.  We all missed her.  But 8:00 pm rural Pennsylvania time would be 2:00 am for me.  I can’t justify staying up that late just to watch a horsefaced woman talk about gas prices and guess what state each individual horntard is from.  Hopefully she makes the stream public afterwards.


  • What Are The Best and Worst Thor Movies? – Tony from Hack The Movies

     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8d4RJ4ubMVI

    After a brief stupid introduction, we get to the sponsor ad starring nobody’s favourite: Jess the Butch Lesbian Editor.

    https://twitter.com/jessdaydreaming

    I’ll give Jess credit for a few things, though.  First, she doesn’t advertise.  There are no fucking pronouns on her Twitter.  She doesn’t write or re-tweet any gay shit.  She’s just doing her thing like any normal person would do.  Writing about whatever she’s interested in.  It’s not like so many gay people who only talk about how fucking gay they are.

    And the lack of pronouns suggests that she’s just gay.  She’s not claiming to be a man.  She’s just a butch lesbian.  Old school.  Some retro homosexuality.  I like it.

    0:15 – An ad for a scam product.  Great.  And they keep using the annoying pronunciation of “data”.

    Johanna and Crystal Quin aka Horseface McGee are in this one.  

    6:00 – Horseface is drinking something.  I don’t know what.  It’s an unappetising colour.  

    Anyway, when you’re shooting a professional production like Hack the Movies, the only thing you should be drinking is water.  You’re a professional actress, right?  The beverages aren’t there to be enjoyed.  They’re there to assist your speaking.

    By the way, I’m an adult so I don’t care about the Thor movies.  Or any of this comic book movie shit.

    7:00 – Tony mentions Alan Cummings.  Horseface says, “I love Alan Cummings.  I’ve met him.  He’s phenomenal.”

    I knew that this was coming.  Horseface mentioned this guy before.  NOBODY CARES.  Especially Tony.  He cut her short and immediately moved on.  He must have heard Horseface’s boring Alan Cumming story a hundred times.

    7:45 – Johanna starts talking about how hot the guy who played Loki was.  Oh.  You think that the guy who played Loki wants to have sex with Johanna?  Probably not, right?

    8:15 – Tony says “I remember at the time, people were mad that they made (some white character in the comic) black.  And this is 2011 or 2010 when they were promoting it.  And I remember thinking like, ”Wow, man.  People are complaining about a bunch of bullshit  I hope this isn’t a thing’.”

    I can’t tell if he’s joking or not.  But Horseface, who isn’t joking, jumps in, “Why would it be a thing, though?  I don’t get it.”

    What are you fucking retarded?  Because the character was white in the comic book.  Presumably.  I don’t know who the character is.  

    Even if you want to pretend to be “progressive” and you don’t notice colour or whatever your argument is, are you really so fucking clueless that you can’t understand why other people wouldn’t care for this?  Hardcore racists, for example?  

    No.  Horseface is so “progressive” that she can’t even comprehend why people wouldn’t like a black actor playing a white character.  Maybe Thor should have been black.  Maybe it should have been an all-black cast.  All black women.  Gay black women.  Why not?  These are just actors.  A good actor can play any role.

    I was reading an article recently about Jewish actors lobbying that Jewish characters in film or tv shows or whatever should only be played by Jewish actors.  But they don’t want to be limited to Jewish roles.  They also want to play any role.

    So…a Jewish person can play a Christian character, a Muslim character, a black character, a Chinese character, whatever but only Jews can play Jewish characters.  This was what was being proposed.  And the article I was reading was supportive of this idea.

    Are Jews underrepresented in Hollywood?  Do they need this boost?  Should we really set aside roles just for Jews?  

    There has never been a time when re-casting a white character to a black actor has been well-received.  The Wiz was panned.  The Honeymooners movie was panned.  I don’t believe that The Wonder Years reboot has been a success.  It’s all pandering garbage and people can see it.  Everybody can see it.  Except for Horseface who’s just so woke that she can’t even comprehend why people wouldn’t love this.  

    Although, I can think of one example where it worked.  Many years ago, I remember reading a message on the IMDB forums where somebody was discussing this exact thing and said, “What if they made an all-white version of Sanford & Son.”

    The comedy stemmed from the fact that Sandford & Son was in fact a remake of a British show called Steptoe & Son, which was about a Jewish father and son who owned some kind of scrapyard.  But the only reason that Sanford & Son worked is because nobody in the US knew about Steptoe & Son.

    Then Horseface keeps wanting to talk about how much of a non-issue this should be but Tony just talks over and changes the subject.  He doesn’t want to hear her disingenuous bullshit either.

    Oh, and Kingpin.  There was a black Kingpin.  Remember that?  Universally panned.

    9:45 – 

    Tony: Did you see this in theatres?

    Johanna: I saw this in theatres.

    Tony: Did you go by yourself?

    Johanna: No because I’m not a loser.

    (Then there’s fake stunned silence and she starts to backtrack)

    Tony: Wow.  That’s really mean.  

    Johann: No, I’m just kidding.  I actually go to movie theatres by myself.

    Tony: You know, our audience is 90% male and I’m sure a lot of them have gone to movies by themselves.  You just made them really sad.  Apologise.

    Horseface: Wait a minute.  Are you saying that females don’t — like maybe the 10% of females don’t also go by themselves?

    Johanna was right.  Only a fucking loser goes to the cinema by themselves.  But then she had to backtrack because she has no spine.  Tony knows that his audience is all fucking losers.  And he gives the bizarre description of “male” to indicate this.  Like all men are losers.  No.  Only some are losers.  The horntards who watch this shit are losers.  

    Well, I don’t want to say “loser”.  A lot of these people are mentally challenged.  

    But if you’re not mentally challenged and you’re going to the cinema by yourself, you’re probably a loser.  Man or woman.  

    Of course, earlier in this video, Horseface said that she goes to the cinema by herself.  Because Horseface likes to make herself sound attainable to the horntards who they’re all scamming.

    I don’t know.  Maybe some people just really like movies and don’t mind going by themselves.  But never in a million fucking years would I do that.  There’s never been a movie that I wanted to see so that’s one issue.  

    Anyway, Johanna was broadly right but then backtracked because she was afraid that she was going to get fired from this non-paying job.  At least I think it’s non-paying.

    13:00 – Horseface says, “I would say that Norway has the best human beings.”

    Wait…what?  What the fuck is this?  She goes from talking about how “colour blind” she is to hardcore Nazi bullshit about Aryan supermen.  

    What does this even mean?  “Norway has the best human beings?”  And it’s in the context of a few seconds earlier, she said that New Mexico has the worst human beings.  New Mexico is the state with the largest Hispanic population by percentage.  Is that what she was referring to?

    This is fucking ridiculous.  What is she even talking about?  Was this some sort of a joke?  If it was, I’m not getting it.  

    Maybe we got a glimpse of the true opinions of Horseface.  Her woke mask slipped.  She’s a straight up Nazi.

    17:30 – Horseface says, “I LOVE.  I mean, we’ll get into Lady Valkyrie but holy shit, I love her.”  Then she makes an annoying face.

    Tony immediately moves on.  He doesn’t address this AT ALL.  He must be sick of this bullshit too.  

    23:15 – Horseface says, “I LOVE Kat Dennings.  I love her, love her, love her.”

    Big titties, am I right, Horseface?  You think Kat Dennings would let you anywhere near those jugs?  FUCK NO!  Talk about the fucking movie, you fucking horse-faced piece of shit.

    30:00 – Tony is talking about some Star Trek movie and says, “We’re going to cast the whitest guy in the world to play an Indian for some reason.”

    You know what Horseface does?  Drinks more of her piss.  Why doesn’t she say, “Wait a minute, Tony.  I don’t see colour.  Actors can play any roles.  What’s the problem?”

    Not 30 minutes earlier, Tony and Horseface were talking about a black actor playing a white character.  And that’s totally cool.  Nothing wrong with that.  

    Now they have “the whitest guy in the world” playing an Indian character and they’re outraged.  

    How dark was that black guy, by the way?  Was it the blackest guy in the world?  Why are you talking about how white this guy is?  He can’t help what colour he is.  

    Clear hypocrisy.  You need to be consistent with your outrage.  Don’t just be outraged when it’s a white person doing something you don’t like.  Be outraged when anybody is doing something that you don’t like.

    33:30 – 

    Tony: They filmed in Iceland.  Or was it Greenland?  Iceland or Greenland.

    Horseface: They filmed in the one that isn’t so icy.

    Good geography skills, Horseface.  I remember in the fourth grade being told that Lief Ericson or whoever, when he was naming these islands, named Iceland “Iceland” because it was relatively fertile and he wanted to discourage people from going there, and Greenland became “Greenland” because he wanted to entice people to go there.  

    It can’t possibly be true.  Why would he do that?  Just as a giant troll?  Why would he want to discourage people from going to Iceland?  He wanted it all to himself?  It’s a pretty big place.  He can’t possibly have Iceland all to himself.  And did he even live in Iceland?  Or have plans to live there?  Did he own any of this territory?  I don’t think so.

    But anyway, Horseface must have been told the same story.

    34:00 – Horseface says that Iceland has good “tax credits” for people who want to make movies there.  Is that the right term?  “Tax breaks”, surely.  Wouldn’t a credit…I don’t know.  Maybe I’m wrong.  

    34:15 – Horseface says, “I want to go to Iceland, I want to go to Greenland, I want to go everywhere.”

    Uh huh.  But just the Nordic countries, right?  That’s where the best human beings are.

    And then they shit on the “whitest people in the world”.  Which one is it?  Be consistent.  Are white people the master race or the spawn of Satan?

    Then she yells, “I want to go to Croatia!”

    What?  Why?  Maybe she’s a big fan of the Bosnian genocide.  Wants to take in the sites.

    36:15 – Tony starts talking about some actor dressing up like Hitler.  Or something.  And Horseface feigns outrage.

    37:15 – Tony is talking about how a character from Green Lantern is Asian and played by a white man.  Kato, maybe.  I don’t know.  But everybody is outraged by this.

    43:30 –

    Tony: So Odin finally dies and because of this, her daughter shows up.

    Horseface: (singing) I love her!

    Oh.  Another hot chick for Horseface to talk about.  Horseface really likes the ladies.  

    You know, I’m a heterosexual man and when I watch movies, I don’t think about wanting to have sex with all of the sexy ladies.  Does anybody do that?  

    I don’t even want to watch this any more.  It’s annoying.  And I’m only halfway through.  Nobody wants to watch a 90 minute “review”.  Especially when it’s just Horseface talking about hot chicks.

    48:00 – 

    Johanna: Valkyrie’s great.  How she’s introduced is great.

    Horseface.  Yes!  Yes!  I love her!  I love all of her scenes in this movie.

    Oh.  Watch out, horntards.  Horseface is getting excited again.  This is hot, right?  You like it when horsefaced women talk about wanting to have sex with hot chicks?  Do you imagine Horseface having sex with Valkyrie?  Yeah.  You go jerk off, Lennie.  Horseface will still be here talking about hot chicks when you’re done.

    49:15 – Tony promotes his Patreon.  For $10/month you can get a desktop wallpaper of Horseface as The Thing.  And he says that Mint Salad did the mobile wallpaper.  You know…that autistic woman who’s being trafficked by her pimp.  

    Johanna: One day I’ll be in one.

    Horseface: Do you want to be The Thing?

    Johanna: I’ll be your thing.

    Horseface: Okay!

    Oh.  Come on.  I’m jerking off so hard over here.  Give me a break, ladies.  I just can’t stop spanking it over the idea of 1992 Roseanne Barr getting it on with 1962 Mr Ed.  This is my fetish.  Thinking about the Nick at Nite lineup getting freaky..  Urkel getting it on with Flipper.  Archie Bunker fucking Jed Clampett up the ass.  Lou Grant getting his dick sucked by Laurie Partridge.  Chrissy Snow getting fisted by Mona Robinson.

    Anyway, Tony totally ignores this bullshit.  He must be sick to the back teeth with this.  But he still puts these clowns on because this is what the horntards want to see.  And he refuses to try to attract an audience that isn’t comprised of horntards.  

    Because it’s not like only horntards watch Youtube.  The full cornucopia of humanity watches Youtube.  Why not try to attract the segment of humanity who enjoy watching good movie reviews?  Have you thought of that?  

    No.  Just stick a horseface woman and a fat chick on the show, tell them to talk about hot chicks and wanting to have sex with each other, and let those horntard pennies roll in.

    50:15 – Johanna was talking about some hot guy in the movie having sex with…I don’t even know, and then Horseface jumps up and runs off set.  She has to go masturbate, I guess.

    55:15 – Tony calls out Johanna for looking at her phone.  She was on her phone for like five fucking minutes.  Can this be any less of a professional production?

    57:15 – 

    Johanna: Remember when the synopsis of this, whatever, when they were talking about this, when they first announced it, it was supposed to be like, obviously, Natalie Portman was supposed to be mighty Thor but then there was also supposed to be a little story about Valkyrie being a king and needing to find, like, a queen?

    Horseface: I WISH!  I wish I saw that.

    Johanna: That was the thing but they’re not going to do it because god forbid!  The gays are bad!  Fuck you, Disney.

    Valkyrie is a black woman, by the way.  I didn’t know this.  And in the still that they showed in this Hack the Movies, she’s wearing a man’s suit.

    So Johanna wanted a scene where a woman becomes a “king” and has to find a wife.  And Horseface, of course, finds that REALLY exciting.  Even though Horseface, from all accounts, is a heterosexual woman.  I’ve never seen a single picture of her with a woman in some kind of romantic context.  She’s never talked about having a girlfriend.  Or having sex with women.  And yet she insists on talking about hot chicks and pretending to be gay for Johanna and every woman who appears on the show.

    Anyway, it’s stupid.  Why would there be a scene where a woman becomes king and wants to find a wife?  These are comic book movies.  

    57:45 – Horseface struggles to pronounce “subtle” because she thinks that the “B” is supposed to be pronounced.  What a fucking moron.

    Then they start complaining that the film was too masculine.  What?  The target audience is 14 year old boys.  If you want to watch interracial lesbian porn, there’s a whole section for that stuff on PornHub.  It doesn’t have to be in mainstream comic book movies.  Comic book movies can be masculine.  Any movies can be masculine.  If you don’t like it, don’t watch it.  

    Not every movie has to tick every box for every weirdo out there.  We need a gay black Jewish woman to play this white guy, we need a lesbian scene, we need a pig fucking a ladyboy.  This is not how you make a movie.  

    1:03:30 – Tony says that he wanted a fat guy in the movie to represent him.  Then Johanna says, “You don’t need representation.”.  Then Horseface says, “I’m a dad bad kind of girl” to which Johanna says, “Look who I’m marrying.”

    Yeah.  You’re a fucking fat chick, Johanna.  Don’t you get it?  Fat chicks tend to marry fat guys.  If they manage to find a guy to marry at all.  Why?  Because that’s what they can get.  That’s the same reason that fat guys marry fat women.  If either party could get a date with a non-fat person, they would have done so.  But they can’t.

    And yet Johanna, who’s fat herself, is fat-shaming her fat fiance.  And she’s fat-shaming Tony from Hack the Movies.  Saying that she doesn’t want to see fat people in the movie.  She wants all races, creeds, and sexual orientations represented in the movie but not fat white guys.  

    And then we have Horseface.  Horseface is all about those fat guys.  Are you fucking kidding?  This is disgusting.  She’s clearly pandering to the fat fucking retards watching this shit, who comprise 90% of the audience.  

    Where are the pictures of Horseface with some fat fuck boyfriend?  Nowhere to be found.  But plenty of pictures of her, wearing half a top, with some fat fuck retard at a nerd convention pretending that she’s not completely repulsed by them.

    I made it to 1:08:00.  There are twenty minutes left but I don’t want to watch any more.

    – “LOL that person in the ad with Tony looks like she uses pronouns”

    No, I covered this.  She doesn’t.

    – “Wait a minute. Is Crystal wearing shorts or a dress?  Ooh yass! More Leg Please Crystal!”

    Horntard.

    – “Crystal…..girrrrrl you lookin skinny…..puttin in that work…”

    Horseface replies, “Thanks!! I’m trying!!!”

    Another horntard and Horseface encourages him.  She also seems to be promoting eating disorders.  Some of that pro-ana action.

    – “I’m just here for Crystal. Thor is whack .”

    This is why Tony does this.  He wants pennies from retards.

    – “Behind the scenes girl looks exactly like Dennis the Menace.”

    Is he talking about Jess?

    – “Johanna is beautiful, I wanna take her to dinner”.

    What would be a good restaurant to take Johanna to?  I’m thinking somewhere with an all-you-can-eat buffet.  But not Chinese food.  She needs something more filling.  Maybe even something like a Pizza Hut would be good.  Do they still have buffets at Pizza Huts in the US?  She could probably put away a few Meat Lovers.  

    – “Do you reckon Crystal would be up for going out for a drink with me”

    Now this raises the question of where a good date for Horseface would be.  Golden Corral?  Haha.  Got it in one.  Moving on.

    – “Tony @ Hack The Movies I’m deployed right now and your content helps so much please keep this great content and growth going.”

    Must be tough times in the military if they’ve lowered the entry requirements to the point where actual retards can now enlist.

    , ,

  • 7 great games to play on Game Pass this summer – Cannot be Tamed

     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AfKc5VBCjg

    0:00 – Whoa!  Get your tissues ready.  Views must be down again.  Pam is in her summer dress.  She has the melons out.  

    Then she starts talking about some games.  Oh my fucking god.  I can’t do this.  Let me just look at the timestamps.  Maybe there’s a game that I’ve heard of.  I really, really doubt it, though, given that I don’t read anything about video games.

    3:00 – Procession to Calvary.  Sounds interesting.  Eugh.  It’s another adventure game.

    5:15 – Shadowrun.  Some RPG.  I can’t.

    8:15 – Some new Wolfenstein game.  Come on.  Say something interesting, Pam.

    No.  She can’t do it.

    So what the fuck are we going to do now?  That’s the video.  And nobody else is uploading.  Maybe the comments will save me.

    – “Pam, would you ever or is there some place where you review music, I saw your post and would love to hear your thoughts and interpretation of ‘With Teeth’”

    Pam replies, “No, I’m not interested in reviewing music.”

    God, she’s so fucking boring and has no idea how to speak to people.

    Bizarrely, two people gave her response a thumbs up.  What are they thumbing up?  They don’t want to hear her opinion on music?  The like how she’s a bitch to everyone for no reason?

    – “man, i love that you are so brave to be true to who you are, dont let anyone tell you that you are not a real woman, or that you are just a trans, you are the real deal man, and i respect you”

    A joke comment, presumably, suggesting that Pam is a man in a dress.

    On to Twitter.

    https://twitter.com/Jasyla_/status/1548793150063497216

    – “That was a really fun stream. Had a lot more viewers than normal due to a nice raid and got to spend 3 hours being thirsty and telling all the characters to kiss.”

    Am I crazy for never getting aroused at a video game?  

    Fuck.  That’s it for her Twitter.  

    Here’s the problem with Pam: she’s boring as fuck.  

    Let’s just check out fucking Joe from Game Sack’s Twitter.  I haven’t done this before.

    All video game shit.  WHO CARES?  

    https://twitter.com/GameSack/status/1546616698551144450

    Oh, here’s something different.  Hey guys!  Remember Cheers?

    That sitcom from the 1980s?  Yeah.  I remember it.  I haven’t watched it in 30 years.  What’s wrong with you?  What have you been doing for the past 30 years?

    And he posts fucking Star Trek shit.  

    It’s boring.  I’m sorry that you peaked in 1987 but join us in the present.  There’s a lot of cool stuff here.

    Well, there’s a new video from Tony from Hack the Movies coming soon.  Horseface and Johanna are in it.  Maybe I’ll be able to get some “content” out of that.  

    And Newt is releasing a video soon where he reviews a video with his friend Kevin.  Whoever that is.  We’ll find out.  Maybe it’s interesting.  

    Newt was also going to release another video about interesting anecdotes from his time working in movie theatres but he rescheduled it, apparently.  I suspect that there was something in that video that he later had regrets about including, so he’s having to re-edit it or re-film it.

    Wait…hold the phone.  We’ve got some Horseface news.

    https://twitter.com/CrystalQuin/status/1551323426522112000

    There’s a picture of Horseface with Johanna.  Horseface describes Johanna is her “wife”.  Because that’s sexy, right?  Pretending to be lesbians?  And especially when we’re talking about two hot babes like Horseface and Johanna.

    Kris Glavin enjoyed it.  “Stunningly gorgeous young ladies happy Monday gorgeous hope you have a great day and week ahead babe”

    Wow.  He only replied once.  That’s unusual.

    But no.  Here’s the news:

    https://twitter.com/CrystalQuin/status/1551354732366659584

    Horseface is going to start streaming on Twitch.

    You know who replied?  Kris Glavin.  “Looking forward to it keep up the incredible work beautiful”

    Again, only once.  He must not be getting so horny at these tweets any more.

    The streams are going to be a mix of Horseface playing video games and “just chatting.”

    I remember watching a Horseface stream before.  I even did a review of one.

    https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2021/05/crystal-quins-god-awful-twitch-streams.html

    She guessed which state the horntards were from and talked about gas prices.  Maybe the worst stream in the history of streaming video.

    ,

  • 4 New Evercade Games You'll Need for the Collection – John Riggs

     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9H215j2Tdpk

    0:00 – “What arcade collection needs to be on the Evercade?”

    You tell me, John.  I don’t even know what the Evercade is.  He’s talked about this before, he’s probably getting paid by them, but I don’t remember.  Is it a system?  All I remember is that they sell physical games and there are a bunch of games on each cartridge or whatever the physical media is.  Let me look this up.

    It’s a handheld.  Maybe it was also a console?  I can’t figure this Wikipedia entry out.

    I don’t understand the market for any of this.  You can play all of this shit for free on your computer using MAME.  Right?  Aren’t these just re-releases of old arcade games?  There are also MAME emulators for just about every console and handheld device from the Dreamcast era onwards.  But there’s not even a need for that hassle.  Just download MAME on your computer, get the roms from whatever torrent site you want to use and go nuts.  Why would I pay a hundred bucks for this console and/or handheld plus $20 for a handful of old arcade games when I have a computer, MAME, and the roms?  If you want to use a controller, stick a fucking controller in your computer.  Problem solved.

    Isn’t this shit just being emulated on this console/handheld anyway?  Not that it matters.  Emulation is 100% perfect.  I don’t care what the nerds talk about with “lag” and whatnot.  It’s perfect.  Especially for these ancient games and modern computer.  The nerds who make MAME have fixed all of the bugs by now.  Every game is 100% perfect.  Or, in the unlikely event that some games aren’t perfect, there’s no way that a flawed game would run perfect on this Evercade thing.

    Anyway, John Riggs talks about this console/handheld A LOT.  So let’s hear him out.  He’s getting paid by the Evercade corporation, after all.  Let’s hear the advertisement.

    0:30 – “So full of stuff, actually, the case won’t even close.”

    He’s showing a faulty case and presenting this as a feature.

    Well, I made it to 2:30.  This is boring.  He’s just giving five second “reviews” of each game.

    Let’s check out the comments.

    – “glad you cut that mullet thing”

    Yeah, he shaved his head or cut his hair short with clippers.  It’s hard to tell because he always wears a hat.  Like we’re fucking fooled by this.  You’re bald, John.  Nobody cares.

    – “Roms on cartridges. It’s silly that YouTube people are still promoting this. $20 for a bunch of Intellivision and other 2nd generation roms? FOH.”

    I’m in full agreement with Gaylord Focker over here.

    – “Yeah I really love my Evercade VS. My 9 year old daughter actually really enjoys it as well. Games are cheap too. For 20 bucks a cart it’s really hard to go wrong. Highly recommended”

    Oh, I know how to beat that.  How about $0?  You get every game ever released, and even unreleased game, all for the low, low price of $0.  

    I haven’t used an emulator in any serious way in at least 15 years.  So my information may be out of date.  I remember Playstation emulators being a giant hassle.  You needed to find the bios and…I don’t know…there were just a bunch of configurations that you had to do.  Some games required different configurations.  Fuck this.  I can see somebody not wanting to bother with that shit.

    But MAME?  No.  Download MAME, install MAME, download the roms, put all of the roms in the “rom” folder, start MAME, and all of your games appear like magic.  Just click the game you want to play and you’re off to the races.  No hassle.

    Oh, John Riggs plugs his store in the comments.

    https://riggs.storenvy.com/

    Forty dollars for that cereal “book” that uses copyrighted pictures of cereal boxes.  And “book” is being charitable.  It’s pamphlet-sized.  And it’s just a picture book.  Of stolen images of cereal boxes.  It’s like twenty pages.  FORTY DOLLARS.

    He’s also selling his bad homebrew games for between $40 and $60.  Where is he getting these prices?  Games don’t cost this much any more.  He’s using retro prices.  These are the prices of video games back in the early 1990s.  

    A new game today is what?  $40 at the most.  Wait.  Maybe I’m wrong.  Monster Hunter Rise is $60 on Steam.  But can we really put Monster Hunter Rise in the same category as Yeah Yeah Beebiss II?  I know that John Riggs had to pay for the cartridge and packaging and whatever but that’s on him.  He could have released this shit digitally.  And would you pay $60 for this?  Fuck no.

    – “The briefest of videos ever! 4 carts 8 mins.. but are they any good?! You won’t know by watching this..”

    Yeah.  It’s fucking shit.  Not that I was interested anyway, but for anyone who might have been interested, this is a useless video.

    Just generally, thinking about the interests that John Riggs has, this is some real man baby behaviour.  He likes video games.  He likes professional wrestling.  What is he doing with his life?  

    I liked that shit when I was a kid.  I stopped watching wrestling by the age of 17.  I stopped being into video games when I was 22.

    Well, it’s tough to say.  I still play video games.  I just give 22 as the age because that’s the last time that I bought a console.  But I still play video games as much as I ever have.  

    But I don’t do it the way everybody on the internet seems to do it, where they play all the latest games, and they’re always switching it up.  I find a a handful of games that I like and I play them for years.  This is real retro gaming.  This is how things were done in “the 90s”.  You only had a few games and you were stuck with them for years.  

    https://twitter.com/johnblueriggs/status/1550596797621407745

    “Fuck treadmills. We finally purchased an expensive one and it’s locked down until we pay for an additional membership (Which wasn’t listed anywhere that we’d have to pay an additional monthly fee) – I know there’s a bi-pass but the ‘free’ should be default, then opt for the sub.”

    Is this real?  First of all, I’m shocked that John Riggs got a treadmill.  But you have to pay a monthly subscription for the treadmill to operate?  That can’t be right.

    He says it’s the Nordictrack T 6.5.  It’s $1,000.  He must be selling a lot of $40 picture book/pamphlets.  

    It seems that the thing works without a subscription but if you want “the full library of workouts” you need to pay for the subscription.  Yeah, that’s idiotic.  As idiotic as a 450 pound man buying a treadmill and thinking that that’s the answer to his weight problems.  You need to eat less, John.  WAY less.

    https://twitter.com/johnblueriggs/status/1550228977477754880

    Have you ever wanted a controller with a drawing of John Riggs on it?  Now’s your chance.  

    NOBODY is going to buy this.  What the fuck is this?  

    https://twitter.com/johnblueriggs/status/1549565529936973824

    “Just found out where I’ll be staying for Liretroin Long Island it just down the road from a Friendlyswhich we don’t have in the Northwest. Their ice cream has always looked legit.”

    This is what I was talking about earlier.  He eats too much.  He’s CONSTANTLY eating.  That’s why he’s fucking 450 pounds.  

    Fat people just seem to have a different relationship with food.  Personally, I don’t give a fuck about food.  I’ll eat it.  It’s a necessity.  But I don’t particularly enjoy it.  

    Fat people really seem to enjoy food.  They’ll talk about their favourite restaurants and what you should order and shit like this.  It’s just food.  You eat it for a few minutes and then you go about your day.  Who gives a shit?  

  • 13 Sentinels: Aegis Rim (PS4) | REVIEW – Pelvic Gaming

     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtSXEDU4lJo

    You know that things are desperate when I’m reviewing Pelvic Gamer stuff.

    0:00 – Jump scare.

    What the fuck is she doing with her hair?  This is terrible.  She didn’t even make an effort to get this looking presentable.  

    She was attempting to put her hair into two large afros at the side of her head.  Why she would think that this would look attractive, I have no idea.  

    But she didn’t even manage to do that.  Her hair is all over the place.  Didn’t she watch the video?  Didn’t she look in a mirror before making the video?

    This is an unattractive woman.  But that’s not the issue.  Some people are more attractive than others.  

    The issue is that, she goes out of her way to make herself look as unattractive as possible with this weird bullshit.  She’s always doing something stupid with her hair, she wears ridiculous makeup like blue lipstick, and she wears unflattering wifebeaters.  

    She’s constantly trying to show how “African” she is, even though she’s a redneck from Florida who has a white mother.  But whatever.  Do something with your hair that’s actually popular with African-Caribbean women.  Because this isn’t it.  Black women are not going around with two messy afros on each side of their head. trying to look like Mickey Mouse.  Actually, this has a very Bozo the Clown look to it.  

    0:15 – A graphic on screen says, “Thank you Mycroft for gifting me this game!”

    The horntards are constantly “gifting” her games.  Why does she accept them?  She knows what they’re doing with this.  She knows what these people are like.  She’s taking advantage of very unfortunate men.

    This is an RPG, by the way.  This is all that Pelvic Gamer does.  She just reviews boring as fuck RPGs.

    1:00 – Now she’s going to give a summary of every playable character in the game.  There are 13 characters.  Come on.  I don’t give a fuck.

    Fuck this.  I’m going to go make a sandwich.

    I got completely side-tracked.  Watched about ten minutes of the latest Talking About Games.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cW8uyxEXNms

    It’s Ryan and Tony from Hack the Movies.  They got rid of Mike.  Presumably, because he was god awful in the previous episode.  That was the one where Ryan was talking about Final Fantasy and Mike just kept interrupting with off-topic bullshit because he doesn’t like Final Fantasy.

    Anyway, I had to turn this Tony from Hack the Movies episode off.  It’s unwatchable.  I don’t want to hear him talking about Evil Dead for the billionth time.  No, it’s Resident Evil that he talks about.  Or am I thinking of Kieran?  I know that Kieran does this but Tony probably does as well.  I don’t give a shit about these horror games.  I don’t want to hear about it.  I’m like Mike in that Final Fantasy episode but at least I’m not getting paid for this.

    So back to…eugh…Pelvic Gamer.

    3:30 – Ew.

    I just don’t want to see this.  Why would she go out of her way to make herself look as unattractive as possible?  Is it possible that she thinks that this looks good?  How?

    Oh god is this boring.  She’s describing how the game plays.  I’m at seven minutes.

    I can’t.  I made it to 8:00.  That’s enough.

    – “the one day Pelvic wakes up and decides not to do her hair and she is still STUNNING”

    Yeah.  No.

    I’ll check her Twitter but I know for a fact that there won’t be anything interesting on there.  All she ever talks about is video games, mostly shit that she’s playing for the purposes of doing a Youtube video.

    She retweets a video of a man being attacked by a bear at the circus, for some bizarre reason.

    But otherwise, it’s all video game and Youtube shit.

    She’s just so fucking boring.  What happened?  Maybe she started taking medication.  I mean, good for her, if that’s the case, but it’s bad for the blog.

  • Men who are Attracted to Crystal Quin

     https://twitter.com/Strowlger92/status/1549809122853502978

    “I don’t care what anyone says I personally think that CrystalQuin is definitely eye candy & I get excited when she’s on hack the movies”

    Horseface actually re-tweeted this.  And she replies in the comments.

    How vain can somebody possibly be?  

    So anyway, the guy who wrote that message is named Billy Stowlger.  Here’s his Twitter:

    https://twitter.com/Strowlger92

    He’s fucking huge.  And his description is, “I am gamer, a trekkie, a kevin Smith fan, a whiskey lover but more importantly a nerd on YouTube please subscribe to my channel”

    Here’s his channel:

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCM5_0m7TT6xJg-MUW-sFn6w/videos

    He’s enormous.  And I can’t understand what he’s saying.  He’s British but I don’t know anything more specific than that.  Maybe Northern England given his incomprehensible accent.

    He was presumably born in 1992.  That would make him…30.  Wow.  What happened?  Big fat guys like this might be somewhat normal in the US, but you don’t often see guys like this in the UK.  And especially not at the age of 30.  What has he been doing to reach this size?

    I don’t want to just shit on somebody for being a big fat guy.  But these are the people who talk about how hot Horseface is.  These are the horntards.  

    So Crystal re-tweeted this very, very unfortunate man’s tweet.  And she replies, “Hey @HacktheMoviesyou reading this???? They like me!!!!!!!!!!!!”.  Then she posts an animated gif of some woman doing the “suck it” move that the 1-2-3 Kid used to do in World Championship Wrestling.  Whatever his name was.  Shawn Waltman.

    Horseface responds three fucking times in this thread.  Just bigging herself up.  Talking about how hot she is.  

    This fucking ginormous man also responds.  “How can we not like crystal, we should have a episode where you host & choose the movie”.

    Back to Mr Stowlger’s Twitter.  

    https://twitter.com/Strowlger92/status/1535693288870752256

    “All I want in life is for BeccaLovesChoci to abuse me Daily by telling me how much of a loser I am.”

    Becca is a hot chick who specialises in “goons”.  These are men who enjoy being told how pathetic they are, ideally by hot chicks.  I don’t know if Becca also does porn or…what.  There’s no OnlyFans link or anything.  Maybe she makes money solely by insulting pathetic men.  

    And she did respond to this guy.  She gave a very generic insult.  Just copied and pasted it.  I expect a lot of money from Mr Stowlger for this shit.  I’ve written an entire article on how pathetic he is.

    He does a lot of posts like this.  To a lot of different women.  He also talks about Star Trek a lot.  And posts pictures of lady wrestlers who he jerks off to.  And whiskey.  Oh, he says that he lives in Essex.  That’s near to London.  So not northern England.  Yeah, they’re tough to understand too.  

    https://twitter.com/muassholee/status/1492478531636445185

    “need a trans angel to sit on your face ? I’m here”

    He re-tweeted that.  So he’s into ladyboys too.  Basically anyone.  He’s into anyone who will give him any attention whatsoever.

    Horseface re-tweeted this guy’s message.  Did she even look at his Twitter before she did that?  Why would she entertain this?

    Because this is her audience.  These are the people who watch Hack the Movies and these gamer grrls.  The bottom 0.1% of men.  

    Our friend Kris Glavin also replied in this thread.  FOUR TIMES.

    https://twitter.com/KrisGlavin 

    – “I mean how can you not love she is adorable and stunningly beautiful”.

    – “She definitely needs her own YouTube channel where she reviews 1980s horor films it would be amazing”

    – “She is very passionate about the horor genre Wich is awesome”

    – “We definitely need more crystal queen”

    This is another guy who couldn’t get a date if his life depended on it.  These are the people watching this fucking shit.  These are the people giving these women money.

    https://twitter.com/Chase_Schleich

    Here’s another guy who replied in that thread, talking about how hot Horseface is.  

    Well, he’s not 400 pounds.  That’s a nice change.  His description is, “Single father, worker of multiple jobs, college student, gamer, musician, insomniac. I work for Geek Squad.”

    Another giant nerd.  At least he managed to have sex at least once.  

    He talks about lady wrestlers who he jerks off to.  Here’s a tweet where he makes a sexual comment to an OnlyFans woman dressed as Darth Vader:

    https://twitter.com/Chase_Schleich/status/1535127980200050688

    He talks about comic books.  He talks about video games.  The usual nerd shit that nerds talk about.

    Jeff Griffin also replied.

    https://twitter.com/jsgriffinmusic

    He said, “Of course she is, hot af!!”

    How old is this guy?  Sixty?  He only has one picture so it’s hard to tell but he talks about nerd shit from a previous generation.  Like Wheel of Fortune.  And instead of jerking off to lady wrestlers, he jerks off to female softball games.  

    This guy is talking about how hot Horseface.  And Horseface is entertaining all of this.  “Look at all of my fans, Tony from Hack the Movies.  I can really pull in those horny loser bucks.  Put me on the show.”

    Phillip Jones replied.

    https://twitter.com/papabearjones

    “eye candy is just a bonus, she is entertaining and brings a great personality to the reviews”

    He’s another fat guy and his description is, “D&D, MtG, Board Games, Video Games are all a way of life for this nerd :)”

    He retweets a lot of stuff from sexy ladies on the internet who he jerks off to, including Horseface.  He also talks about video games and Star Trek and Magic: The Gathering.  The usual nerd shit.

    Where are the hot dudes who enjoy going to the gym and clubbing?  These guys aren’t interested in Horseface.  Who would be?  Who other than these omega males would be interested in a woman who looks like a fucking horse and has the personality of Elliot Rodgers?

    These are the people who Horseface is cultivating.  She’s encouraging the sycophantic behaviour of these extremely unfortunate men.  This is how she makes money.  She preys on the complete dregs of society.

    https://twitter.com/CrystalQuin/status/1549446292996341760.

    Here’s a “hot” picture of Horseface in a bikini.  If you’re getting so much as a semi over that, I have bad news for you: you’re a horntard.  Get your life together.  Start eating right.  Get some exercise.  Get a job.  Stop with this stereotypical nerd shit.  And the ladies will come.  You won’t need these entirely one-sided, fake internet relationships any more.

  • CannotBeTamed Shilling for Abortions

     https://twitter.com/Jasyla_/status/1540480844510466048

    She did a Twitch stream where she, allegedly, donated the money that the horntards gave her to Planned Parenthood.  

    Why is Pam so interested in Americans getting abortions?  For those who might be unaware, Pam is Canadian.  She lives in Canada.  She’s always lived in Canada, as far as I’m aware.  She has no plans to ever leave Canada.

    So why get involved in this shit?  It has nothing to do with you.  Or if you do want to take up perceived injustices throughout the world, why that one?  Why isn’t Pam speaking out on the myriad of injustices throughout the world?  Even if we just focus on issues that affect women, because Pam is a hardcore misandrist, why isn’t she talking about female genital mutilation or breast ironing or burkas or arranged marriages or women being trafficked for prostitution or polygamy?  

    Doesn’t she care about these things?  A lot of these things happen in Africa, South Asia, and the Middle East so it’s a little difficult for Pam.  She’s checking her privilege while people are being sold into actual slavery.  She doesn’t want to tell “people of colour” how to run their countries.

    But she has no problem doing this for the US.  

    So she says, “Sharing this fundraiser here and on Twitch has gone great and my awesome community smashed the first goal immediately… but post about it on the Community tab on YouTube and all the idiots come out to say their piece.”

    There are almost no “negative” comments in that community post.  Maybe she deleted them all.

    But anyway, the only idiot here is Pam the dog fucking lesbian.  She jumps on every woke bandwagon that the Jewish media trots out and then as soon as the media hype dies, she forgets about it.  Black lives mattered to Pam until the media stopped reporting on it, then she didn’t give a fuck.  Pam thought that the police should be defunded, back when the media was hyping that, and then she forgot all about it when they moved on to the next story.

    Should abortion be legal?  I guess so.  It’s not something that I really think about.  I’m not some Jesus nut.  My first reaction when I heard the news was, “Wow.  That’s pretty crazy.”

    But this is America.  It’s full of extremists, be they religious or right-wing or weirdo transgender-loving “progressives”.  What do you want me to do?  I don’t fucking live there.  I don’t give a shit what they do.  

    Even if I lived there, what’s the point of getting upset?  What is Pam advocating?  The country is run by corporations.  Am I supposed to write my congressman?  Am I supposed to vote for somebody who represents my interests?  Who would that be?  Which billionaire represents my interests?  

    Talk to anybody who lives in China or Russia about how they like living there.  They like it.  They don’t talk about being repressed or complain about not being able to vote in free, democratic elections.  They don’t give a shit about that.  It doesn’t affect their day to day life.

    At least in Russia and China, they’re somewhat up front about the absence of any democracy.  In the US and Canada and in most Western countries, they try to sell the farce.  The reality is that your vote counts for absolutely nothing.  When both candidates consider you to be cattle, what difference does it make who you vote for?  It’s all the same bullshit year after year.  

    Did anything change with Obama?  He did the same fucking bullshit that George W Bush did.  Is this current zombie president any worse than Trump?  There’s no change.  

    Where’s the candidate advocating for free college education, socialised healthcare, and a redistribution of the wealth?  I’d vote for that guy.  Where is he?  Nowhere to be found.  No politician is advocating this.  Not in the US, not in Canada, not anywhere on earth.

    But Pam wants to sit there in her studio apartment, getting eaten out by her dog, and be outraged at the latest media hype.  She’s a moron.

    https://tiltify.com/@cannotbetamed/plannedparenthood

    So there’s Pam’s fundraiser.  She got $2000 from the horntards.  What’s the point?  What is Planned Parenthood going to do with this money?  They were pretty well funded already and they couldn’t do anything to stop the law being changed.  Were they short $2000?  Was the $2000 going to make a difference?

    Let’s check out some of these comical comments.

    – “The lives of anybody who can get pregnant are on the line.”

    Are you talking about women?  This is the sort of disgusting bullshit that breeds right wing extremists.  Nobody wants this weirdo shit.  But the only two options are the right-wing lunatics comprising the Republican party or the ladyboy-loving freaks of the Democratic party.  And none of these people give a fuck about any of this anyway.  They’re just there to enrich themselves.  They’re only interested in redistribution of the wealth upwards.  They don’t give the slightest of fucks about any social issues.  These are just distractions while they try to accumulate all of the wealth.

    – “I vehemently disagree with the fascists in the Supreme Court”

    How does giving fifty bucks to Planned Parenthood while jerking off to Pam aka CannotBeEntertaining solve anything?  You just lost fifty bucks.  You might as well have flushed it down the toilet.

    – “I too will channel anger into fundraising. Thanks for being awesome Pam.”

    Twenty bucks wasted.  And he wants to give more of his money to charity.  He thinks that this is going to make a difference.  What have these charities done so far?  Some of them have been around for 100 years.  What has ever been achieved?  

    Cancer charities.  What have they done?  Last time I checked, cancer still exists.  When are they going to solve this?  

    It’s the same all down the list.  Heart disease.  Stroke.  Alzheimer’s.  They’re not doing shit.  

    I’ve never given to charity in my life.  Why would I?  They don’t do anything.  If there’s a problem, we have a fucking government.  Elected officials, right?  They should be doing all of this.  There shouldn’t be some hobo outside of the grocery store with his hand out asking you to give money to cure cancer or protect abortion rights.  That’s a completely ridiculous way to go about doing any of that.

    Somebody gave $500.  Some of these horntards have deep pockets.  Well, they don’t have girlfriends so you can save a lot of money from that.  But do they have jobs?  I guess Super Geoff works in a grocery store.  So there’s that.  I don’t think that he donated, though.

    But the thing that annoys me the most is that Pam is Canadian and just using this abortion thing, as preposterous as it is, to shit on America.  “Look at how backwards Americans are!  I’m a Canadian!  We don’t do that shit here.”

    Well, great.  But this is what they do in the US.  What do you want?  And why aren’t you complaining about all of the backwards bullshit that goes on in Nigeria or Saudi Arabia or Pakistan?  Do those women not matter?

    You’d see this with Trump.  I live in the UK and people would talk shit about Trump to me because I’m an American.  Like I give a fuck.  I didn’t vote for the guy.  I don’t vote.  The alternative candidate was just as bad.  And I haven’t lived in the US for twenty years.

    But it’s a way for people to feel better about themselves and it’s a way to attack America.  Worry about your own fucking country.  There are a myriad of problems in Canada and in the UK.  Maybe focus on those problems.  Problems that actually affect you.

    You have a 100 year old woman who never worked a day in her life, she’s worth half a billion dollars, and she has considerable influence in the government.  Are you interested at all in that?  Isn’t that way more outrageous than anything that Trump has ever done? 

    In order to get British citizenship, you have to swear an oath to Elizabeth II and all of her heirs in perpetuity.  Isn’t that at all bizarre to you?  Why would you support such a thing?  Feudalism is long dead.  Get with the times.  

    But no.  We want to talk shit about Trump.  Who cares about our own problems?  It makes us feel good inside to think that we’re better than those wacky Americans.

  • Mint Salad Saw High Fidelity (MOVIE REVIEW) – Mint Salad

     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juUjMR3jRX8

    Mint Salad’s pimp makes Mint Salad do daily videos now.  Daily movie reviews.  They’re entirely unwatchable and they get no views.  This one has been up for a week and it has 159 views.  All of the videos are like this.  

    And then you go to her Fansly, and she does “lewds” based on the videos.  So she’ll wear what she was wearing in the videos and spread her legs or bend over or something.  

    https://fansly.com/titsmintsalad/posts

    Even with this weird sexual element, nobody is fucking interested.  It’s not being reflected in the view numbers for the Youtube videos, anyway.  

    So I chose this video because it’s one of the shorter ones.  Somebody in the comments says, “Do you always get drunk to do movie reviews, or is this a special occasion?”

    I think that he’s right.  She’s drunk or high or something.  She seems to be like this in a lot of the videos.

    So I watched the video.  There’s nothing really to say.  It’s an impaired woman droning on about a movie.  Poorly.  Really poorly.  She doesn’t know the names of any of the characters.  She often loses her train of thought.  She seems to be struggling to even stay awake.  

    How am I going to pad this out?  She’s not saying anything interesting on her Twitter.  I’ll just look for other movies that Jack Black was in.

    Bongwater.  Based on a 1995 novel.  In high school, there were some stoner Mexican kids who I knew and for a class game, we broke off into teams and had to come up with a name for our team.  So this group of Mexican kids and myself opted for Bongwater.  I didn’t know what it meant, I didn’t do that shit but that was the name.  And the teacher didn’t know what it meant either so he just laughed at the funny word and went with it.  He was some homosexual priest.  And the guy who came up with the name always laughed hysterically every time this priest said the name of our team.

    There was so much weird religious shit at that school.  I wonder if that kind of stuff still goes on.  I hope not, but I suspect that it does.  Nothing against religion but we were taught so much factually incorrect shit outside of religious dogma.

    For example, we had like a week of sex education.  Or maybe just a day.  I don’t remember.  And it was our theology teacher doing this.  Not the priest, it was a different theology teacher.  Some old woman.  She was married so it’s not as preposterous that she would teach the class as opposed to a priest.

    She starts talking about cars.  If you had a really nice car, how would you protect it?  You’d keep it in the garage.  That was the answer that she wanted.  But we all knew that she was talking about penises.  So she said, “What about just putting a tarp on it?”  This was analogous to using a condom.  And no, obviously you wouldn’t just put a tarp on the car.  Who even does that?  Who puts a tarp on their car?  Every day, you finish driving, you park the car in front of your home, and then you spend fifteen minutes putting a tarp on your car just so that you can spend ten minutes the next morning taking if off again?  Nobody does this.

    The obvious car answer is to keep the car in the garage.  I don’t know where that tarp shit came from.  But also, I like using my fancy car.  I like to take it out and impress the ladies.  You can’t just keep it in the garage.  What’s the point of having a fancy car if you can’t enjoy it?  

    So the whole exercise was idiotic.  The analogy was poor.

    Then she read a story about aliens coming down to earth.  This in itself is sacrilegious but I guess that she didn’t realise it or she just didn’t care.  But in the story, the aliens are studying human sexual behaviour.  Something connected to all of the anal probing that goes on, I guess.  And I remember one particular passage where the aliens are claimed to have written, “The men have one toy on their front and the women have three toys.”  It was such an odd turn of phrase.  

    Somehow, we were supposed to be shamed by this.  The point of the story was clearly to shame, I just can’t remember the exact context.  Shaming us for using our “toys”.  Did I mention that we were in high school?  I think the 10th grade.

    Then there was another exercise where we were all given slips of paper and they were folded.  We couldn’t read them.  Then we were told to shake hands with whoever we wanted.

    After that awkward ordeal, we were told to open slips of paper.  On like three of the papers, the word “AIDS” was written.  So if you shook hands with anybody who either had the “AIDS” paper or shook the hands of somebody else who shook their hand, and so on, then you had AIDS.

    It didn’t help that there was one slut who went around and shook every single person’s hand.  

    So anyway, the whole class had AIDS at the end of this.  But it’s not even right.  Because I only shook two people’s hands.  I shook some guy’s hand and I shook this girl’s hand.  But I shook both of their hands early on, it was before they shook hands with anybody who had AIDS.  So when it came time to declare if you had AIDS or not, by standing up, I remained seated.  Then the teacher asked me whose hands I shook and I told her, and she said, “No, she shook everybody’s hand so you have AIDS too.”  It’s bullshit.  I shook her hand when she was clean.  But I don’t think that that woman was willing to listen to reason so I just conceded that I had AIDS.

    There were also three slips that said “abstinence”.  So for the people who had this slip, when they were shaking hands, they were just…I don’t know…going to the cinema with these people, I guess.  So they didn’t have AIDS.  Those were the only three people who didn’t have AIDS.  

    That slip could have just as easily said, “used a condom”.  Wouldn’t that make more sense with this exercise?  But they didn’t want to promote condom use.  

    So what happened with AIDS?  Did the whole world end up getting infected with AIDS?  No.  It’s mostly from unprotected gay sex.  This is something that we could have been told.  I’m sure that the data was available at the time.  

    How come the world wasn’t shut down over that AIDS global pandemic anyway?  According to my theology teacher, fucking everybody should have had it by now.  Except the people who don’t have sex.  So Reddit might be unaffected.

    I was reading about monkey pox.  There was talk, briefly, about shutting the world down again because of monkey pox.  But no.  That’s another disease only spread by gay men fucking each other up the ass.  So it’s something that can be safely avoided just by keeping away from men’s anuses.

    I wonder what that teacher is up to nowadays.  Probably 80 years old.  And getting fucked up the ass.

  • Is The Mummy Returns A Good Sequel? – Tony from Hack the Movies

     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XFNJySaU5Y

    Tony is wearing the hat that he wore in that AVGN Aladdin video.  You know, the one where Tony was pretending to defecate in the cistern of the toilet.  

    This was the image that I used as reference for the banner.  I screenshotted a picture of Tony pretending to do a “double decker” and sent it to the artist.  I also sent her a picture of Tony sitting in a sauna or something, wearing only a towel, and holding a beverage.  

    I felt so fucking bad sending that woman these pictures.  But it was necessary so that she could do her job.  She needed to see just how hirsute and portly Tony is.  And the end result is great.

    I’m not sure if she’s doing art any more.  Her Instagram hasn’t been updated in ages.  And she closed her Twitter.  She’s from the Philippines but she had a job.  It was something in finance or architecture, I can’t remember.  It seemed like a decent job but she didn’t like it.  Well, what are you going to do?  Maybe she could start making tits and gore movies.  

    Speaking of…well, there’s no real segue.  I don’t want to think about this black woman’s tits.  But Tony also has a large pair so let’s go with that.  

    Her name is Kira so let’s use that.  I don’t want to have to keep saying “this black woman” and provoke outrage.

    Although, I say, “That Italian woman” when talking about the Italian woman who appears on the show, because I don’t know her name, and nobody would find anything offensive about that.

    I remember at a job I had, I enquired about a co-worker and the person I was asking didn’t know the name of the person so she just gave a description.  She said, “How to describe him?  He has braids…”

    Oh.  The only black guy in the department.  Fine.  Couldn’t you just say that?  

    So this is Kira.  She’s here with about six inches of cleavage.  This is a “hot” chick.  By Screenwave standards.  Anything goes there.  If you’re a woman, you’re a hot chick.  We’re all supposed to be jerking off over Kira.  She has a “sexy” Instagram.  She might even be on OnlyFans.

    Let’s do a quick Tier Maker of these alleged hot chicks of Screenwave.  From S to F.

    Horseface – D
    Johanna – D
    Mint Salad – D
    Kira – D
    That Italian Woman – C

    And the only reason I didn’t give anybody an “F” is because I thought it would be cruel.  But we’re supposed to be jerking off over these “hot babes”.  Come on.  Get some dignity and put some clothes on.

    1:15 – “Every character in the film was hot.”

    Great contribution, Kira.  Horseface is sitting at home taking notes.  “Man, this Kira is really on the ball.  She’s raising all of the important points.”

    1:30 – Tony “corrects” her pronunciation of Brendan Frasier but…she didn’t even say anything wrong.  What is this?

    2:15 – Tony says that Johanna isn’t in the episode because she was involved in a fireworks incident.  Is this a joke?  Let me check her Twitter.

    https://twitter.com/shirtsthtgohard/status/1546341909307674625

    I think it is because there’s no mention of any hand injury but she does re-tweet a picture of a man wearing a BDSM shirt that says, “Beautiful Dogs Surrounding Me.”  So…is she coming out of the closet as a dog fucker?  What is this?

    https://twitter.com/stufflikehearts/status/1547718369545109505

    Here’s her new tattoo.  It takes up the entire back of her upper arm.  According to the description, it’s something to do with Kingdom Hearts.  But it’s not some kind of cute video game tattoo that a woman might get.  This is like a trucker tattoo.  Who would find this remotely appealing?

    https://twitter.com/stufflikehearts/status/1549110453934104577

    “I wanna go home and smooch my cat.”

    Uh huh.  Again with the bestiality.

    And in her description she gives her pronouns.  “She/they”.  And she’s “pan”.  Mmhmm.  I see.  

    What does “she/they” even mean?  I’m not going to look it up because I don’t give a fuck.  But “they/them” would make some sense.  Somebody who doesn’t want to conform to the gender duality.  It’s ridiculous but it at least makes some sense.  Some butch lesbian type who doesn’t feel feminine but doesn’t want to board the transgender train so she just opts out of gender entirely.  Fine.  I get it.

    “She/they”, no.  It makes no fucking sense.  

    And she’s engaged.  To a man.  At least I think it’s a man.  It’s somebody with a beard.  What must that guy be like that he’s going along with this bullshit?  

    Oh, and I missed this one:

    https://twitter.com/stufflikehearts/status/1549181028056682496

    “Gay blessings to you all!” and a picture of a rainbow.

    So…what kind of guy would see all of this shit and then say, “I want to marry this woman”?  That guy must be gay himself.  I mean…what heterosexual man is attracted to butch “pan” women who use “she/they” to describe themselves?  

    I don’t see this relationship lasting too long.  If you’re planning on attending the wedding, keep the receipts for any gifts.  What’s the etiquette for wedding gifts when the marriage doesn’t last?  If it ends within a year, are you able to request your gift back?  

    Anyway, we’re way off track here.  This is about Kira and The Mummy Returns.  75 minutes of this shit.  I just know that I’m going to watch it all.

    5:00 – 

    Kira: Jurassic Park III, is that the one where Jeff Goldblum has the black daughter?

    Tony: No, that’s the second one.

    Kira: Okay.  I loved that.  I was like, “Oh, he likes a little…alright.”

    We’re supposed to be jerking off over this.  Oh, and Kira is mentioning her fondness for Jeff Goldblum.  He’s hot.  She wants us to know this.  It’s integral to this review of The Mummy Returns.

    6:45 – Tony answers a call from his mother.  She wanted him to watch some movie trailer.  What?  Why is this in here?  

    Oh.  Tony says, “Did you know that I was making a movie?”  So maybe it’s a trailer for his shitty movie?  Who knows?  Nothing is explained.  What we do know is that Newt is doing everything in his power to find out what Tony’s movie is about and then Newt is going to plagiarise the script.

    9:45 – Kira says that she needs to see a wrestling promo involving The Rock.  She says this in a suggestive manner.  You know…because The Rock is hot.

    Fucking shit.  I’ll give Kira this: at least she’s talking about men who she wants to have sex with.  With Horseface, it’s almost always women who she wants to have sex with.  And is Horseface even a lesbian?  I don’t think so.  She’s one of these women who pretends to be a lesbian to excite pathetic men.  

    10:00 – Then Kira says that Anubia, who’s a dog-god and I think entirely CGI, is “Also fucking fine.”  

    This is fucking pathetic.  Does she have ANYTHING remotely interesting to say about the movie?  Everybody is attractive.  We get it.

    What if it was a guy reviewing, I don’t know, The Joy Luck Club.  And instead of discussing the movie, they just said, “Oh man.  I would fuck that Chinese bitch so hard.  And her mother can watch.”

    It would be pathetic in the extreme.  It would be the worst fucking movie review ever released and it would be the subject of ridicule throughout the internet.  “Look at this fucking pathetic retard on Youtube doing a review of The Joy Luck Club and all he can talk about is wanting to fuck June Woo up the ass.”

    But this is exactly what these reviews are whenever Horseface is there or, apparently, Kira.  And these women are not attractive.  So imagine a big fat guy talking about wanting to fuck the entire cast of The Joy Luck Club.  Same exact shit, just the genders are reversed.  The video would be mocked mercilessly and the guy declared the biggest loser on earth.  

    The Rock is not going to have sex with fucking Kira.  Nor is Jeff Goldblum.  Nor is the CGI dog-god.  So just talk about the fucking merits of the film like a normal, semi-intelligent adult.

    10:30 – Now she talks about some actress in the film who she wants to have sex with.  

    We can stop here.  We know what this is going to be.  It’s going to be 75 minutes of an unattractive woman talking about people in the film who she wants to have sex with.  This shit doesn’t work with Horseface and it doesn’t work with this woman.  This is not cute.  It’s not making my pee pee hard.  It’s fucking pathetic.  You’re pathetic.  Find something else to do with your time.  Maybe get a job.  

    ,