What Are The Best and Worst Thor Movies? – Tony from Hack The Movies


After a brief stupid introduction, we get to the sponsor ad starring nobody’s favourite: Jess the Butch Lesbian Editor.


I’ll give Jess credit for a few things, though.  First, she doesn’t advertise.  There are no fucking pronouns on her Twitter.  She doesn’t write or re-tweet any gay shit.  She’s just doing her thing like any normal person would do.  Writing about whatever she’s interested in.  It’s not like so many gay people who only talk about how fucking gay they are.

And the lack of pronouns suggests that she’s just gay.  She’s not claiming to be a man.  She’s just a butch lesbian.  Old school.  Some retro homosexuality.  I like it.

0:15 – An ad for a scam product.  Great.  And they keep using the annoying pronunciation of “data”.

Johanna and Crystal Quin aka Horseface McGee are in this one.  

6:00 – Horseface is drinking something.  I don’t know what.  It’s an unappetising colour.  

Anyway, when you’re shooting a professional production like Hack the Movies, the only thing you should be drinking is water.  You’re a professional actress, right?  The beverages aren’t there to be enjoyed.  They’re there to assist your speaking.

By the way, I’m an adult so I don’t care about the Thor movies.  Or any of this comic book movie shit.

7:00 – Tony mentions Alan Cummings.  Horseface says, “I love Alan Cummings.  I’ve met him.  He’s phenomenal.”

I knew that this was coming.  Horseface mentioned this guy before.  NOBODY CARES.  Especially Tony.  He cut her short and immediately moved on.  He must have heard Horseface’s boring Alan Cumming story a hundred times.

7:45 – Johanna starts talking about how hot the guy who played Loki was.  Oh.  You think that the guy who played Loki wants to have sex with Johanna?  Probably not, right?

8:15 – Tony says “I remember at the time, people were mad that they made (some white character in the comic) black.  And this is 2011 or 2010 when they were promoting it.  And I remember thinking like, ”Wow, man.  People are complaining about a bunch of bullshit  I hope this isn’t a thing’.”

I can’t tell if he’s joking or not.  But Horseface, who isn’t joking, jumps in, “Why would it be a thing, though?  I don’t get it.”

What are you fucking retarded?  Because the character was white in the comic book.  Presumably.  I don’t know who the character is.  

Even if you want to pretend to be “progressive” and you don’t notice colour or whatever your argument is, are you really so fucking clueless that you can’t understand why other people wouldn’t care for this?  Hardcore racists, for example?  

No.  Horseface is so “progressive” that she can’t even comprehend why people wouldn’t like a black actor playing a white character.  Maybe Thor should have been black.  Maybe it should have been an all-black cast.  All black women.  Gay black women.  Why not?  These are just actors.  A good actor can play any role.

I was reading an article recently about Jewish actors lobbying that Jewish characters in film or tv shows or whatever should only be played by Jewish actors.  But they don’t want to be limited to Jewish roles.  They also want to play any role.

So…a Jewish person can play a Christian character, a Muslim character, a black character, a Chinese character, whatever but only Jews can play Jewish characters.  This was what was being proposed.  And the article I was reading was supportive of this idea.

Are Jews underrepresented in Hollywood?  Do they need this boost?  Should we really set aside roles just for Jews?  

There has never been a time when re-casting a white character to a black actor has been well-received.  The Wiz was panned.  The Honeymooners movie was panned.  I don’t believe that The Wonder Years reboot has been a success.  It’s all pandering garbage and people can see it.  Everybody can see it.  Except for Horseface who’s just so woke that she can’t even comprehend why people wouldn’t love this.  

Although, I can think of one example where it worked.  Many years ago, I remember reading a message on the IMDB forums where somebody was discussing this exact thing and said, “What if they made an all-white version of Sanford & Son.”

The comedy stemmed from the fact that Sandford & Son was in fact a remake of a British show called Steptoe & Son, which was about a Jewish father and son who owned some kind of scrapyard.  But the only reason that Sanford & Son worked is because nobody in the US knew about Steptoe & Son.

Then Horseface keeps wanting to talk about how much of a non-issue this should be but Tony just talks over and changes the subject.  He doesn’t want to hear her disingenuous bullshit either.

Oh, and Kingpin.  There was a black Kingpin.  Remember that?  Universally panned.

9:45 – 

Tony: Did you see this in theatres?

Johanna: I saw this in theatres.

Tony: Did you go by yourself?

Johanna: No because I’m not a loser.

(Then there’s fake stunned silence and she starts to backtrack)

Tony: Wow.  That’s really mean.  

Johann: No, I’m just kidding.  I actually go to movie theatres by myself.

Tony: You know, our audience is 90% male and I’m sure a lot of them have gone to movies by themselves.  You just made them really sad.  Apologise.

Horseface: Wait a minute.  Are you saying that females don’t — like maybe the 10% of females don’t also go by themselves?

Johanna was right.  Only a fucking loser goes to the cinema by themselves.  But then she had to backtrack because she has no spine.  Tony knows that his audience is all fucking losers.  And he gives the bizarre description of “male” to indicate this.  Like all men are losers.  No.  Only some are losers.  The horntards who watch this shit are losers.  

Well, I don’t want to say “loser”.  A lot of these people are mentally challenged.  

But if you’re not mentally challenged and you’re going to the cinema by yourself, you’re probably a loser.  Man or woman.  

Of course, earlier in this video, Horseface said that she goes to the cinema by herself.  Because Horseface likes to make herself sound attainable to the horntards who they’re all scamming.

I don’t know.  Maybe some people just really like movies and don’t mind going by themselves.  But never in a million fucking years would I do that.  There’s never been a movie that I wanted to see so that’s one issue.  

Anyway, Johanna was broadly right but then backtracked because she was afraid that she was going to get fired from this non-paying job.  At least I think it’s non-paying.

13:00 – Horseface says, “I would say that Norway has the best human beings.”

Wait…what?  What the fuck is this?  She goes from talking about how “colour blind” she is to hardcore Nazi bullshit about Aryan supermen.  

What does this even mean?  “Norway has the best human beings?”  And it’s in the context of a few seconds earlier, she said that New Mexico has the worst human beings.  New Mexico is the state with the largest Hispanic population by percentage.  Is that what she was referring to?

This is fucking ridiculous.  What is she even talking about?  Was this some sort of a joke?  If it was, I’m not getting it.  

Maybe we got a glimpse of the true opinions of Horseface.  Her woke mask slipped.  She’s a straight up Nazi.

17:30 – Horseface says, “I LOVE.  I mean, we’ll get into Lady Valkyrie but holy shit, I love her.”  Then she makes an annoying face.

Tony immediately moves on.  He doesn’t address this AT ALL.  He must be sick of this bullshit too.  

23:15 – Horseface says, “I LOVE Kat Dennings.  I love her, love her, love her.”

Big titties, am I right, Horseface?  You think Kat Dennings would let you anywhere near those jugs?  FUCK NO!  Talk about the fucking movie, you fucking horse-faced piece of shit.

30:00 – Tony is talking about some Star Trek movie and says, “We’re going to cast the whitest guy in the world to play an Indian for some reason.”

You know what Horseface does?  Drinks more of her piss.  Why doesn’t she say, “Wait a minute, Tony.  I don’t see colour.  Actors can play any roles.  What’s the problem?”

Not 30 minutes earlier, Tony and Horseface were talking about a black actor playing a white character.  And that’s totally cool.  Nothing wrong with that.  

Now they have “the whitest guy in the world” playing an Indian character and they’re outraged.  

How dark was that black guy, by the way?  Was it the blackest guy in the world?  Why are you talking about how white this guy is?  He can’t help what colour he is.  

Clear hypocrisy.  You need to be consistent with your outrage.  Don’t just be outraged when it’s a white person doing something you don’t like.  Be outraged when anybody is doing something that you don’t like.

33:30 – 

Tony: They filmed in Iceland.  Or was it Greenland?  Iceland or Greenland.

Horseface: They filmed in the one that isn’t so icy.

Good geography skills, Horseface.  I remember in the fourth grade being told that Lief Ericson or whoever, when he was naming these islands, named Iceland “Iceland” because it was relatively fertile and he wanted to discourage people from going there, and Greenland became “Greenland” because he wanted to entice people to go there.  

It can’t possibly be true.  Why would he do that?  Just as a giant troll?  Why would he want to discourage people from going to Iceland?  He wanted it all to himself?  It’s a pretty big place.  He can’t possibly have Iceland all to himself.  And did he even live in Iceland?  Or have plans to live there?  Did he own any of this territory?  I don’t think so.

But anyway, Horseface must have been told the same story.

34:00 – Horseface says that Iceland has good “tax credits” for people who want to make movies there.  Is that the right term?  “Tax breaks”, surely.  Wouldn’t a credit…I don’t know.  Maybe I’m wrong.  

34:15 – Horseface says, “I want to go to Iceland, I want to go to Greenland, I want to go everywhere.”

Uh huh.  But just the Nordic countries, right?  That’s where the best human beings are.

And then they shit on the “whitest people in the world”.  Which one is it?  Be consistent.  Are white people the master race or the spawn of Satan?

Then she yells, “I want to go to Croatia!”

What?  Why?  Maybe she’s a big fan of the Bosnian genocide.  Wants to take in the sites.

36:15 – Tony starts talking about some actor dressing up like Hitler.  Or something.  And Horseface feigns outrage.

37:15 – Tony is talking about how a character from Green Lantern is Asian and played by a white man.  Kato, maybe.  I don’t know.  But everybody is outraged by this.

43:30 –

Tony: So Odin finally dies and because of this, her daughter shows up.

Horseface: (singing) I love her!

Oh.  Another hot chick for Horseface to talk about.  Horseface really likes the ladies.  

You know, I’m a heterosexual man and when I watch movies, I don’t think about wanting to have sex with all of the sexy ladies.  Does anybody do that?  

I don’t even want to watch this any more.  It’s annoying.  And I’m only halfway through.  Nobody wants to watch a 90 minute “review”.  Especially when it’s just Horseface talking about hot chicks.

48:00 – 

Johanna: Valkyrie’s great.  How she’s introduced is great.

Horseface.  Yes!  Yes!  I love her!  I love all of her scenes in this movie.

Oh.  Watch out, horntards.  Horseface is getting excited again.  This is hot, right?  You like it when horsefaced women talk about wanting to have sex with hot chicks?  Do you imagine Horseface having sex with Valkyrie?  Yeah.  You go jerk off, Lennie.  Horseface will still be here talking about hot chicks when you’re done.

49:15 – Tony promotes his Patreon.  For $10/month you can get a desktop wallpaper of Horseface as The Thing.  And he says that Mint Salad did the mobile wallpaper.  You know…that autistic woman who’s being trafficked by her pimp.  

Johanna: One day I’ll be in one.

Horseface: Do you want to be The Thing?

Johanna: I’ll be your thing.

Horseface: Okay!

Oh.  Come on.  I’m jerking off so hard over here.  Give me a break, ladies.  I just can’t stop spanking it over the idea of 1992 Roseanne Barr getting it on with 1962 Mr Ed.  This is my fetish.  Thinking about the Nick at Nite lineup getting freaky..  Urkel getting it on with Flipper.  Archie Bunker fucking Jed Clampett up the ass.  Lou Grant getting his dick sucked by Laurie Partridge.  Chrissy Snow getting fisted by Mona Robinson.

Anyway, Tony totally ignores this bullshit.  He must be sick to the back teeth with this.  But he still puts these clowns on because this is what the horntards want to see.  And he refuses to try to attract an audience that isn’t comprised of horntards.  

Because it’s not like only horntards watch Youtube.  The full cornucopia of humanity watches Youtube.  Why not try to attract the segment of humanity who enjoy watching good movie reviews?  Have you thought of that?  

No.  Just stick a horseface woman and a fat chick on the show, tell them to talk about hot chicks and wanting to have sex with each other, and let those horntard pennies roll in.

50:15 – Johanna was talking about some hot guy in the movie having sex with…I don’t even know, and then Horseface jumps up and runs off set.  She has to go masturbate, I guess.

55:15 – Tony calls out Johanna for looking at her phone.  She was on her phone for like five fucking minutes.  Can this be any less of a professional production?

57:15 – 

Johanna: Remember when the synopsis of this, whatever, when they were talking about this, when they first announced it, it was supposed to be like, obviously, Natalie Portman was supposed to be mighty Thor but then there was also supposed to be a little story about Valkyrie being a king and needing to find, like, a queen?

Horseface: I WISH!  I wish I saw that.

Johanna: That was the thing but they’re not going to do it because god forbid!  The gays are bad!  Fuck you, Disney.

Valkyrie is a black woman, by the way.  I didn’t know this.  And in the still that they showed in this Hack the Movies, she’s wearing a man’s suit.

So Johanna wanted a scene where a woman becomes a “king” and has to find a wife.  And Horseface, of course, finds that REALLY exciting.  Even though Horseface, from all accounts, is a heterosexual woman.  I’ve never seen a single picture of her with a woman in some kind of romantic context.  She’s never talked about having a girlfriend.  Or having sex with women.  And yet she insists on talking about hot chicks and pretending to be gay for Johanna and every woman who appears on the show.

Anyway, it’s stupid.  Why would there be a scene where a woman becomes king and wants to find a wife?  These are comic book movies.  

57:45 – Horseface struggles to pronounce “subtle” because she thinks that the “B” is supposed to be pronounced.  What a fucking moron.

Then they start complaining that the film was too masculine.  What?  The target audience is 14 year old boys.  If you want to watch interracial lesbian porn, there’s a whole section for that stuff on PornHub.  It doesn’t have to be in mainstream comic book movies.  Comic book movies can be masculine.  Any movies can be masculine.  If you don’t like it, don’t watch it.  

Not every movie has to tick every box for every weirdo out there.  We need a gay black Jewish woman to play this white guy, we need a lesbian scene, we need a pig fucking a ladyboy.  This is not how you make a movie.  

1:03:30 – Tony says that he wanted a fat guy in the movie to represent him.  Then Johanna says, “You don’t need representation.”.  Then Horseface says, “I’m a dad bad kind of girl” to which Johanna says, “Look who I’m marrying.”

Yeah.  You’re a fucking fat chick, Johanna.  Don’t you get it?  Fat chicks tend to marry fat guys.  If they manage to find a guy to marry at all.  Why?  Because that’s what they can get.  That’s the same reason that fat guys marry fat women.  If either party could get a date with a non-fat person, they would have done so.  But they can’t.

And yet Johanna, who’s fat herself, is fat-shaming her fat fiance.  And she’s fat-shaming Tony from Hack the Movies.  Saying that she doesn’t want to see fat people in the movie.  She wants all races, creeds, and sexual orientations represented in the movie but not fat white guys.  

And then we have Horseface.  Horseface is all about those fat guys.  Are you fucking kidding?  This is disgusting.  She’s clearly pandering to the fat fucking retards watching this shit, who comprise 90% of the audience.  

Where are the pictures of Horseface with some fat fuck boyfriend?  Nowhere to be found.  But plenty of pictures of her, wearing half a top, with some fat fuck retard at a nerd convention pretending that she’s not completely repulsed by them.

I made it to 1:08:00.  There are twenty minutes left but I don’t want to watch any more.

– “LOL that person in the ad with Tony looks like she uses pronouns”

No, I covered this.  She doesn’t.

– “Wait a minute. Is Crystal wearing shorts or a dress?  Ooh yass! More Leg Please Crystal!”


– “Crystal…..girrrrrl you lookin skinny…..puttin in that work…”

Horseface replies, “Thanks!! I’m trying!!!”

Another horntard and Horseface encourages him.  She also seems to be promoting eating disorders.  Some of that pro-ana action.

– “I’m just here for Crystal. Thor is whack .”

This is why Tony does this.  He wants pennies from retards.

– “Behind the scenes girl looks exactly like Dennis the Menace.”

Is he talking about Jess?

– “Johanna is beautiful, I wanna take her to dinner”.

What would be a good restaurant to take Johanna to?  I’m thinking somewhere with an all-you-can-eat buffet.  But not Chinese food.  She needs something more filling.  Maybe even something like a Pizza Hut would be good.  Do they still have buffets at Pizza Huts in the US?  She could probably put away a few Meat Lovers.  

– “Do you reckon Crystal would be up for going out for a drink with me”

Now this raises the question of where a good date for Horseface would be.  Golden Corral?  Haha.  Got it in one.  Moving on.

– “Tony @ Hack The Movies I’m deployed right now and your content helps so much please keep this great content and growth going.”

Must be tough times in the military if they’ve lowered the entry requirements to the point where actual retards can now enlist.

8 thoughts on “What Are The Best and Worst Thor Movies? – Tony from Hack The Movies

  1. Hypocrisy up the wazoo, the usual. In her travel fantasies it's never Mexico but always Scandinavia. Why can't people just admit the obvious? Oh right, because you get canceled. It's not allowed to say that Mexicans will steal, rape, behead you. But it is allowed for them to steal, rape, behead you. Priorities much? Anyway what would Horseface even do if she went to Iceland? I'll never understand this obsession with travel. She'd go there, take the same pictures everyone else on planet earth took, eat at a tourist trap restaurant, then come home and tell everyone how much she loved the place. I can understand moving somewhere else, but going there for a week? It's pointless.

  2. Damn Horseface is based with the pro-Nazi talk. I'm now a Horseface simp. I'm gonna ask her out on Twitter.

  3. Traveling is kind of a waste of money but if you have the money to waste and somebody who you want to go with, a trip to, say, Iceland would be a huge improvement over Disney World or the beach or these sort of low-brow destinations. You see how other people live, how they travel, the different stuff in the grocery stores. Shit like this. Somebody from rural Pennsylvania might get a better appreciation for how other people live. There might be things that are better in rural Pennsylvania so you'd appreciate those things more. Maybe a slight perception change. Maybe some travelling would be good for Horseface. Meaningful travel. Maybe she'd somehow become less self-obsessed.

  4. Horseface just did a long (face) stream on Twitch last night, 2-some hours. Plenty of gold to mine there I'm sure.She talks about ending a 9-year relationship with a marine… then for the humor there, go find his pics. lmao.

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