Gamer Girls

I was worried because I haven’t seen anything about this lately. But no. He’s actively spamming this project all over Twitter. Whenever somebody mentions the movie, he replies saying that he’s making a puppet remake. He’s been doing this for at least a year and as recently as a few days ago.

It’s entirely plagiarised, of course. It’s in the public domain but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s entirely plagiarised. This is all that Newt knows how to do.

Not only that, this is something that James Rolfe has already done. James Rolfe was somehow involved in some shitty, plagiarised version of Plan 9 from Outer Space.

I remember somebody asking Newt about this Plan 9 that James was in and Newt claims that he never saw it. Even if that’s true, which it very may be, Newt still knows about it.

There was another time when Newt was talking lovingly about how Winnie the Pooh is in the public domain now and how he’d like to make some tits and gore version of Winnie the Pooh. This was in response to somebody else already doing just that.

Just get an original idea, Newt. It’s not that hard.

Here’s another one. The nerd on the right made the puppets and the nerd on the left thinks that she’s in Africa. I don’t know much about puppeteering but don’t the puppeteers typically wear black so as to reduce the likelihood of them being seen? Not this woman. She wants to be seen.

And they’re doing it in front of a green screen, of course. Everybody loves green screen movies. Especially amateur ones. All you need to make a movie is some puppets and a green screen.

Why not just reduce the scope of your vision and make a movie that takes place in, let’s say, a movie theatre? Or your apartment? Or the park? Or some covered bridge in rural Pennsylvania? Some place that you have access to and can make the fucking movie? No need for green screen.

This way you can focus on the script, which is where Newt needs ALL of his attention to be. Newt needs to be focusing 100% on writing a script that doesn’t suck complete ass. Forget about the exotic green screen locations or the cool zooming shots or the sexy ladies you’re going to get to hang out with. Script, Newt. Write a script that’s halfway decent. And isn’t plagiarised.

It can still be a tits and gore movie. Why not? A tits and gore movie that takes place in Newt’s apartment, for example. Topless women can’t run around Newt’s apartment covered in fake blood? Why are they running around topless and covered in blood? Because there’s some crazy person trying to kill them in Newt’s apartment. What more do you need? Why does this have to be green screened? I just wrote the movie for you.

James Rolfe has done a similar thing repeatedly. Most of his “movies” are just an inanimate object trying to kill James. But with the exception of the GOD AWFUL The Head Returns that he did a few years ago, typically it’s filmed in James’ house or whatever. Like the Mr Bucket “movie”. And it works for what it is. It’s shit but that’s just because the writing is awful and the story is simplistic beyond belief. But in terms of visuals, it’s fine. He’s filming in his house. It works. There’s no fake green screen shit.

I reviewed The Head Returns here, by the way:

Newt regularly talks about Clerks and how amazing Clerks is. I believe it was filmed in a liquor store because that’s all that the guy who made it was able to get. Maybe he worked in a liquor store. I don’t know the details. But yeah, it’s fine. If you have a decent script, you don’t need all of this extra bullshit. Indeed, by limiting yourself it forces you to focus on the dialogue being good.

But no. Let’s do a green screen rehash of something that’s been rehashed a thousand times already and wasn’t even good the first time.

What about ripping off 12 Angry Men? That might be in the public domain. Mostly takes place in one room. Just get a table, some chairs, and 11 of your gay friends. Joe from Gamesack, that other guy who looked at Newt’s dick (RGT something, I think). PVC Bondage Guy. Whoever. It would be so much more straight forward. They could crank the movie out in a day.

Because that’s another problem. Newt has all of these alleged “ideas” and projects going and…where are they? Show me the completed works of Newt Wallen.

Twelve Angry Men, you just give people the scripts, put them around your dining room table, and start filming. Done. One day. Finally, Newt has something that he can put on his film resume.

Newt has “guest hosts” for these WTF Wednesdays. There’s that guy from Argentina or where ever and now there’s this guy. Before I get to this guy, let me just speak broadly about the idea of guest hosts.

When Roger Ebert was near the end of his life, he brought in a team of writers to review movies on his website. It was a way to reduce the workload for Roger and probably an attempt to extend the life of the brand after Roger dies. He wanted to create a “Roger Ebert” brand of movie reviewers who people would trust and enjoy as much as if Roger Ebert himself was reviewing the movies.

It didn’t take off. Maybe the guest reviewers were good. I don’t know. But when people go to RogerEbert dot com, they expect to read the movie reviews of Roger Ebert. Not Susan Wloszczyna. No disrespect to Susan Wloszczyna, she may well be a fine writer and knowledgeable about cinema but I’m there to see what Roger Ebert thinks of the movie.

After Roger Ebert died, they continued with these guest writers. Obviously, Roger was no longer in a position to write any reviews. But I just don’t think that anybody went to the site after he died. And this was the idea in getting the guest writers to come in but it just didn’t work.

I’m looking at the site now. I haven’t gone there in years. And this old crew from ten years ago of Susan Wloszczyna and whatever other writers are all gone. Now the site is all about black writers, black movies, and the blog of “Chaz”, who is Roger Ebert’s black widow.

Come on. This woman is so about black empowerment that she married a white man.

And is this what people are going to RogerEbert dot com for? They want to read this militant black bullshit like it’s the 1970s? This is a disgrace to Roger Ebert’s memory. This woman should be ashamed of herself.

I’m not saying that the writers aren’t capable, I’m not suggesting that they shouldn’t review movies with predominantly black casts, I’m saying why not create an inclusive website where people of all races and ethnicities can write about all types of movies?

Can’t do it. Because “Chaz”, who married an old white man, is all about that 1970s racist black nationalist bullshit that hasn’t been in vogue for 50 years.

And they’re so desperate to review “black films” that they review OLD movies. White Men Can’t Jump got a recent review.

It’s just offensive on so many levels. It’s implying that black people are only interested in films that star black people. And are only capable of writing about films that star black people. It’s not the case. Any idiot knows this.

Back to The Ideas Man. This guest reviewer is known as “Old School”. I don’t think that this is his given name. And he drank about 50 Red Bulls before recording this.

I think that what Newt is doing is finding people who are so off-putting that it makes you appreciate when Newt is doing a review. Newt looks competent and engaging in comparision to these guest reviewers.

“Old School” is a man in his mid to late 40s, I’d guess. He’s standing in front of a bunch of shelves that have toys from the 1980s and 1990s on them. Like any normal man his age would have.

0:30 – “So real quick, if you don’t know. I don’t actually script my reviews.”

I’m beginning to see the problem. Maybe you should.

This guy is fucking awful. I’m sorry. He needs to tone it WAY down. I know what he’s going for. He wants to bring some energy and excitement into the video. But this is too much. This is fake and annoying.

He says “dude” constantly. He also had the unusual pairing of ending a sentence with “man, dude”. You know. Like how some people will end a sentence with “man” like, “That was really awesome, man.” Or they’ll end the sentence with “dude”, same premise, “That was really awesome, dude.” But this guy was so hyped that he combined them. “That was really awesome, man, dude.”

It’s awful. This is unwatchable. If I wasn’t writing a review, I would have turned this off within the first five seconds.

He also has a tattoo of a smiley face on the back of his hand. Oh, and he’s wearing a baseball cap indoors. Because he’s bald and self-conscious.

He also says “schlock” a lot because he’s trying to incorporate Newt’s AWFUL name for his channel. Or his “movie studio” or whatever Newt considers this. Production company. The Schlock and Awe empire.

I’m three minutes in. I don’t even know what to say. This guy needs to take a Xanax or something. He’s going to have a heart attack if he keeps up like this. This is not a young man, in spite of his desperate attempts to appear as such.

3:30 – He starts talking about Bill Burr for some…unknown reason. I’m not following any of this. He’s just really loud and annoying. Just like his hero Bill Burr.

I just noticed that this guy has a wedding ring on. How? What woman would marry this guy? Well, maybe it’s not a woman.

Ummm…so I’ve managed to watch the rest of this video. I don’t know. It’s a movie about a monster who attacks the Chrysler Building and there are police in the movie too. This guy enjoyed the movie. So…that was something.

He suggests that you check out his channel. As here:

https://www.youtube.com/@oldschoolpresents/videos

He’s been making videos for 11 years. His recent videos seem to be mostly in his car. They’re in the same style as this video that I just “reviewed”. He talks non-stop, at a fast pace, and there are a lot of edits where he removes any time when he takes a breath so that he can make the video even more frantic. The videos struggle to get 50 views.

There’s no market for this. Why do it?

And I know that I’m basically saying that there’s no market for this guy’s personality and that sounds harsh but it’s true. It would be the same if I made videos. Nobody would watch them, people would say that I’m boring and can’t string two words together, and that the videos are unwatchable.

But it’s not really an attack on me as a person or an attack on this guy as a person. It’s just…the videos are unwatchable. That doesn’t mean that you don’t have positive qualities and you might be a nice person to hang out with. It’s just…not on Youtube. That’s all I’m saying. Youtube is not your forte. And that’s okay.

Doing these videos for 11 years and struggling to get 50 views. He’s obviously just doing it because he enjoys it. But why does he enjoy it? Nobody is watching the videos. He’s just making these for himself. This is his legacy. If he has children, maybe one day his child will show Old School’s grandchildren these videos and say, “Here are 200 videos of grandpa reviewing shitty old horror movies.” And the grandchild will say, “Why is grandpa so hyper?” To which the response will be, “It’s just how he was. He was a passionate guy. I really miss him. But at least we have these 200 videos to remind ourselves of him.”

So it’s nice in that sense, I guess. But as media that a human being not related to this guy would want to watch? No. Unwatchable.

He shit out another script. This one is called “Scissors”. It’s about sexy lesbians who kill people. Just in time for Pride Month.

He only gives the title page. Come on, Newt. I’m not going to steal your idea. I’m not Newt Wallen over here. Give us some sample pages.

Newt describes it as, “This is a queer centric giallo inspired flick”.

I don’t know what that means but this is all of his scripts. He describes all of his scripts as “(Film A) combined with (Film B)”. We don’t want that, Newt. That’s derivative. Don’t you get it? Just come up with an entirely new film, Film C.

Now I have to look up this fucking Jello shit.

It means “tits and gore”. I’m not even joking. “A genre of murder mystery fiction that often contains slasher, thriller, psychological horror, sexploitation, and, less frequently, supernatural horror elements.”

So that was boring as fuck. What else do you have, Ideas Man?

Indeed, Newt. 10,800 is close to 11,000. That all important milestone of 11,000. Keep counting those numbers.

Wait…what? This is still about that Scissors script, I think. How is this outside of what he usually does? The ONLY thing he seems to do is completely unoriginal tits and gore movies and then he puts a shitty pun title on it. Actually, that’s the reverse of his “creative” process. He STARTS with the shitty pun title and then builds a movie script around the title.

Newt CONSTANTLY talks about celebrities dying. I’ve already skipped a couple of recent ones that he did. But yeah, Pat Robertson. I don’t know anything about him. Why not? He wasn’t in my orbit. I wasn’t watching whatever that weird religious channel was. Was Newt watching it? He was watching The 700 Club?

I’m looking at the “controversies” section on Pat Robertson’s Wikipedia and I’m not seeing anything too controversial. He didn’t care much for Hinduism, Buddhism, or Islam. That’s understandable given his beliefs. I mean, if you genuinely believe that the only path to salvation is following the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth then it follows that you wouldn’t care much for religions that don’t espouse this belief.

He had the normal Christian views of feminism, homosexuality, and abortion. Nothing odd about any of that. We can all read the Bible for ourselves and see the relevant passages.

He suggests that certain natural disasters were the result of God’s wrath. Again, read the fucking Bible and you’ll see that God did this kind of shit. It’s not surprising that somebody who believes what’s written in the Bible would believe that God still behaves this way. Why would God change his view and such a relatively short span of time? He’s smiting people and calling down plagues and flooding the earth and whatnot 4,000 years ago or whatever but now God is just chill? God let’s people do whatever they want with no retribution? I don’t think so. Not if you follow the logic of the Bible, anyway.

So…it’s just different strokes for different folks. You don’t have to agree with him. But he’s perfectly entitled to voice these opinions. That’s what makes America so great, you liberal fascist piece of shit trying to silence people who have opinions different from your own.

Newt talks about more celebrities dying. He gives more meaningless Twitter stats. He retweets a picture of a woman with her breasts out.

Some gay man on Reddit posted something about Newt talking about a script deal that fell through. Where is that? He must have deleted it. So I’ll just copy and paste the pictures.

I don’t know what any of this means. He was offered some money to write and direct a movie and then the offer was rescinded because…something happened. Newt is light on the details but it’s something about taking somebody’s ideas and presenting them as his own. This is all that Newt ever does. He never comes up with anything even APPROACHING originality. It’s all based on existing movies or other people’s…whatever…scripts or movie reviews or whatever.

Maybe there was some kind of agreement here between Newt and the guy who he ripped off but that’s not my point. Why is EVERYTHING that Newt writes so blatantly derivative?

He’s basically writing PORN and yet it’s still derivative. Even his sexual fantasies are stolen. He’s so creatively bankrupt that he can’t even come up with a sexual situation that’s at all original.

What about this for an idea? A movie about a guy (“Nate”) who manages a cinema. And it starts showing his life, belittling and insulting his employees and what an asshole he is.

Then Nate goes home to his modest apartment and starts watching the news on tv. He’s astonished to see a zombie Pat Robertson has taken over the broadcast. Pat Robertson says that God himself has risen him from the dead. He says that he’s here to lead the righteous in the final battle against evil, as foretold in Revelation.

Pat Robertson says that Satan’s representatives in this apocolyptic battle are the Whore of Babylon, The Four Horsemen of the Apocolpyse, and the seven-headed red dragon who wears PVC bondage gear. It dawns on Nate that Pat Robertson is talking about Fallon, Crystal Quin (representing one of the horses), and PVC Bondage Guy. Obviously, you would introduce these characters in the beginning of the movie to make the reveal more impactful.

So Nate knows that he has no chance in joining the righteous what with his decadent lifestyle and overall poor choices in life. So he tries to get in with the forces of evil. But the Whore of Babylon, the Horse of the Apocolpyse, and PVC Bondage Dragon all say that they’ll only grant him protection if they agree to have sex with him. Nate is thinking, “Oh, great. I get to fuck a whore, a horse, and a dragon. I’m in.” But then the twist is revealed. Nate is going to be the female in this setup.

Now, is this going to win an Oscar? No. It’s pretty derivative. I’ve borrowed heavily from the Book of Revelation. But it beats a vampire with a shark’s head who fucks sexy ladies. And if I was getting paid or trying to get paid, I’d put much more time and effort into this.