The Head Returns (2020) – Cinemassacre

The one year anniversary.  Where does the time go?  This thing was hyped to the moon and then it got low view numbers.  But maybe it’s a “hidden gem”.  I never watched it so let’s check it out.  It can’t be any worse than the AVGN Movie, right?  

Oof.  I may have spoken too soon.  Kevin Finn is credited in this thing.

Oh, I should also mention that I’ve never seen the original “movie” or series of “movies” that Jimmy did as a child.  So if there are any call backs, I won’t get them.

This is all in black and white.  There are some moody establishing shots as the credits appear.  

Then Jimmy…oh, this is such a childish idea.  But Jimmy is talking about how the character in the Neighborhood Watch program is some kind of evil villain.  If you’re familiar with the signs, it’s the guy on the sign.  They show it in this “movie”.  

I know that he made the first “movie” or “movies” as a child, so I get the childish plot but…he’s an adult now.  Why would he choose to come back to such a childish “movie”?  

2:00 – Jimmy isn’t hiding his baldness in this thing and this really shows just how bald he is.  What on earth is he doing to his hair for these AVGN videos that makes it look nowhere near this bald?  That Ronco hair in a can shit is my guess.

2:30 – Then there’s footage of Jimmy’s childhood “movie”.  I think that Jimmy was the doctor in an asylum in his childhood “movie” but in The Head Returns, Jimmy is a patient in this same asylum.

Also, I think that Jimmy is basically the only “actor” in The Head Returns.  It’s just sad.  There are no more neighbourhood kids who he can put in the movies, I guess.

3:30 – Really terrible acting by Jimmy.  He’s trying to have some emotional scene but…it’s just…for lack of a better term…”cringe”.

3:45 – “They give you that tie and they give you that diploma and they brainwash you.”

God, this is such bad writing.  I don’t even know what’s going on.  Jimmy is talking to the psychiatrist but I don’t know about what.

But…you’re not GIVEN a tie when you get a job as a psychiatrist.  You have to provide your own ties.  And they’re hardly difficult to get.  They’re like $20.  Or you can go to Ebay and get some nice used ties.  Designer ties for cheap.  There’s really no reason to buy a new tie.  There’s a glut of ties out there.

Most people don’t wear ties any more.  Even if you have a job that requires wearing a suit, a lot of times, a tie isn’t required.  And a lot of people just get ties for weddings and funerals and shit like this.  So they only wear them occasionally.

Even if you wear them every day, it takes a long time for them to start going bad.  

So my point is that there are a lot of ties out there.  And you can get nice ties for cheap.  

Also, it’s not a fucking diploma.  It’s a degree.  Diplomas are for high school.  

I wonder what Jimmy got.  Do they give diplomas for special education or what?  Not that it really matters.  Nobody cares about what high school you went to or if you got your GED or what.  

Although, I’ll never forget the shitty job that I applied to where they wanted to know what GRADE SCHOOL you went to.  This is the calibre of applicant that they were getting: people who didn’t even finish GRADE SCHOOL.  

Anyway, back to the “movie”.

4:00 – “You know that that man is carrying a case and you know what’s in the case: it’s the head.”

Why wouldn’t he say “briefcase”?  Because that’s what it is.  

And…has Jimmy ever seen a briefcase?  A head can’t fit in a briefcase.  

This is so fucking stupid.  Why did he make this?

4:30 – Bad CGI padded walls of an asylum.  And Jimmy is in a straight jacket.

Couldn’t he do some fucking research to see what modern mental health facilities look like?  This is cartoon shit.  

5:00 – Oh.  Kevin Finn is the psychiatrist.  There’s a weird wooden door in this cell with wooden bars on the window.  That doesn’t look too secure.

Then some stuff happens.  I don’t know what it was.  

6:45 – Now Jimmy is sleeping on some railroad tracks.  How did he get here?  It’s not explained.  Shitty writing.

Are even these outdoor scenes greenscreen?  Yeah.  Holy shit.  Couldn’t Jimmy just film outside like a normal person?  It would be LESS work and look BETTER.  What’s the problem?

8:15 – Now he’s being chased by this Neighborhood Watch guy.  Why?  Nobody knows.  

Even though Jimmy is running and the Neighborhood Watch guy is walking, the Neighborhood Watch guy has no problem keeping up and even closing the gap on Jimmy.  

9:45 – Now Jimmy is at some greenscreened ruins.  Why?  We don’t know and we don’t care.

Are there no dilapidated buildings in rural Pennsylvania where Jimmy could have filmed this in?  Why is everything fucking greenscreen?  It looks like shit.  

12:00 – The Neighborhood Watch guy catches up to Jimmy and reveals himself to be some guy from the previous movie.  I guess.  There’s a brief flash to this character from the previous “movie” where he was a kid.

12:15 – “Welcome to my haunt”.  Is that what he’s saying?  If that’s right, what does that mean?

13:00 – Jimmy’s acting is just fucking horrendous.  See for yourself.  I can’t do it justice in text form.

14:45 – A ventriloquist dummy appears for some reason.  People are just saying random shit that doesn’t make sense.  Jimmy will do this to try to sound intelligent.  He just puts a bunch of shit in his “films” that doesn’t make any sense because he thinks that this is good story telling.  It’s not.  It’s lazy and bad story telling.

Then there’s an extended bad CGI chase sequence with this dummy’s head.  That’s all that the movie has been so far.  Just chase sequences.  This is bad.  Really, really bad.  

Then Jimmy runs into the Neighborhood Watch guy again, who then proceeds to open his briefcase, revealing the dummy head, and then Jimmy’s head turns into a dummy head.  Why?  Nobody knows and nobody cares.

18:30 – Then the colour in the films comes back ala The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy touches down on Munchkin Land.

That’s it.  That’s the “movie”. That’s what Jimmy hyped for months, if not years.  That’s what Jimmy spent hundreds of hours on.  For this total piece of shit.

It doesn’t make sense.  It’s not scary.  It’s just stupid.  Really stupid.  Something that a child would make.  

Jimmy hasn’t advanced as a film maker since he was a child.  

“Special thanks to Mrs Nerd and Screenwave”.  Do they even want credit for this?  I’d demand my name be taken off the credits.

I mean…this was straight up garbage.  I came in with rock bottom expectations and this turned out to be even worse than I expected.  

– “Really sad this doesn’t have many views”

Somebody replies with, “Gotta hurt as a film fantast when you post an actual serious film and it ends up at the bottom of the popularity list.”

THIS is a serious film to this guy?  This is horrible.  I wouldn’t turn this in as a high school project.  

– “Very amateur… but thats what makes him unique.”

I’ll agree with this comment.  Amateur indeed.  And Jimmy sure is unique.  Some might say “special”.

– “And then, at the end… COLOR! 😱I don’t know any movie that does that.”

Really?  Wizard of Oz.  Schindler’s List.  Pleasantville.  American History X.  Forrest Gump.  Many others.

– “Was this done on LSD or did you take a hit of David Lynch’s blood?”

Yeah, this is obviously what he was going for.  This is what Jimmy goes for in all of his “movies”.  Random, drug-induced, hallucinatory, wacky dream world shit happening.  He thinks that this makes him an artist.  No.  It’s a substitute for not being able to write a fucking script.  

The only good news for Jimmy is that very few people watched this thing.  I mean, 132,000 is a lot but compared to AVGN videos or even filler material like the podcast or Rental Reviews, it’s a step down.  

Shockingly bad.  A 39 year old man made this.  There can be no doubt that he’s mentally challenged.  This “movie” is the only proof that’s needed.  

6 thoughts on “The Head Returns (2020) – Cinemassacre

  1. It's an interesting question. “Faggot” and “retard” weren't even particularly offensive terms, until rather recently. Kids would say “retard” and “faggot” was a common insult in adolescence. Compare this to “hook-nosed yids” and the like, which was never acceptable in any semi-respectable social circle. We live in more sensitive times now. In many respects, some of the things that we're supposed to accept are absurd but I think that not insulting the mentally challenged or homosexuals is a good thing, even though I don't strictly adhere to these new rules.But anti-Semitic vulgarities or racist vulgarities, this is not something that I trade in and I never have.

  2. I don't know what you're talking about, when we were kids we called each other jews all the time just as much as faggots and retards.

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