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  • Going through JCPenney Christmas Catalogs from 1988 and 1998 on Stream! – Erin Plays

     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5LJLjENel0

    Hey guys!  Remember JC Penney?

    Ummm…I remember the name, of course.  I remember the commercials.  And I probably went to some of the stores but I don’t remember specifically.  These stores were all the same.  Sears, JC Penney, Kohl’s, whatever.  Department stores.  Why would anybody be *nostalgic* for this?

    So let’s watch a 75 minute video of Auntie Erin talking about toys that she didn’t have and video games that she never even heard of.

    0:00 – “I know in the tweet I said ‘Sears’ but we’re just going to be doing JC Penney today.”

    She’s completely incompetent.  

    1:15 – “I remember this.  Holy shit.  First page.  There’s something I remember.  I had this as a baby.”

    I’m as shocked as Erin.  She actually owned something as a child?  This is a first.

    It’s a pop up Disney thing.  The figures would pop up when you press a button or something.

    She told absolutely no story about this.  She didn’t even explain what it is.  I explained more about this toy than Erin did.  She’s completely incapable of being even remotely entertaining.

    2:45 – “Oh that little barn.  I didn’t have it but I remember playing with it at school.”

    Well, that’s something, I guess.

    3:45 – Shout out to the Little People line of toys.  Erin remembers them.  Great.  She wonders if they still make them.  I think that they do, at least by name, but they have arms and possibly legs now.  Let me look this up.

    Yeah.  There was some controversy about the arm-less and leg-less Little People somehow stunting children’s development.  Like it gave them a sense of being powerless because they were playing with toys without arms and legs.

    I had some old ones that were wooden.  They used to be wooden.  I also had plastic ones, which were made when I was a child.  The wooden ones were from before my time.  They were fine, I guess.  I didn’t have a preference between the two.  Now, I would prefer wooden ones but they don’t make wooden toys any more.  

    5:30 – Shout out to Lincoln Logs and Tinker Toys.  Erin says that she had both.  That’s surprising.  

    Again, I had wooden ones but they switched to plastic not long after I was playing with this stuff.  That would really suck.  Plastic Lincoln Logs?  Not interested.  

    But I saw not long ago that there are wooden Lincoln Logs that you can buy, I don’t know if they’re bootleg or what, but they were crazy expensive and of poor quality.  Why is wood so expensive now?  

    5:45 – “Whoa, what the hell’s going on here?  Are those all the same kid or are those, like, quadruplets?”

    I don’t think that she’s joking.  It’s a lot of images of the same child, on some kind of horse toy, to illustrate movement.  Erin doesn’t know this.  She legitimately thinks that this is one massive toy.  A six headed horse toy.  She’s a complete moron.

    6:45 – She makes a “brown bricks” half-joke in reference to those big cardboard bricks.  Some of that delightful female “comedy” that the world loves.

    Erin remembers these at pre-school and at doctors’ offices.  She’s made numerous comments already about playing with toys in doctors’ offices.  How often was she going to the doctor?  

    9:00 – She’s reading from the chat.  “Do I ever read these catalogues and seek out something from them?”  Then there’s a long pause.  NO, RETARD.  THIS IS JUST FOR THE FUCKING STREAM.  SHE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT OLD TOYS AND VIDEO GAMES.

    “I’m sure I have.  I can’t think right now.”

    So no, Erin.  Just fucking saying “no”.  

    10:30 – There’s a toy weight lifting set.  That’s really weird.  Erin doesn’t mention it.  

    12:00 – Erin literally reads the names of the NES games that are pictured.  She stumbles on a game that doesn’t have the name of the game in clear letters.  She doesn’t know any of this.  She’s just reading the titles.

    12:45 – Jaws is one of the games and she advertises her recent video.  She says, “Going into that video, I didn’t know if I would beat it or not.”

    It was CLEARLY Mike playing the game.  She’s continuing this charade.  It’s fucking ridiculous.

    18:30 – She’s looking at board games.  Somebody says that he had the Wheel of Fortune board game.  Erin says, “That’s cool.”  A horntard asks Erin if she had any of these games.  She says, “I had Pretty, Pretty Princess”, which is not a game anywhere in this catalogue.  So the answer was “no”.

    20:30 – Erin wanted the Barbie Power Wheels (or whatever) ride on toy.  Good story, Erin.

    26:00 – Earlier, Erin said that the only doll she had was the one that ate plastic berries.  Then a horntard asks her if she had the doll that ate hair and was the subject of a lawsuit.  Erin has no idea what this is.

    This was a Cabbage Patch Doll from late 1996.  Erin would have been 9 or 10 years old at the time, so within the appropriate age range.  Although, maybe she wasn’t watching the news at that age.

    28:00 – Since Erin doesn’t have any stories to tell, I’ll talk about this Pee Wee Herman doll.  She keeps saying “Elf” instead of “Alf”, by the way.

    So Pee Wee Herman.  I had the toy from this catalogue.  You’d pull the string and he would say stuff.  

    I liked it.  I had it for a couple of years, I guess.  But then the child who my sister babysat for took a liking to it.  

    My mother was a very disturbed person.  She was constantly trying to take my toys from me.  When I was at school, she’d throw them away.  When my siblings would want them for some school project or work or something, she would let them have them and I would never get them back.  We had numerous garage sales where I was forced to sell my prized toys for pennies.  There was the Christmas where she literally threw all of the gifts out before I even received them.  

    I’ve subsequently looked into this, because this is not normal behaviour, and it seems to be a common thing that narcissist parents will do.  They resent the toys because they think that the child loves the toys more than the parent.  

    Anyway, this neighbour boy liked the doll.  So, as my mother was wont to do, she told me that I had to give this boy the doll.  I didn’t want to.  It was mine.  I liked it.  

    Didn’t matter.  No amount of crying ever helped.  And to make matters worse, I had to tell this kid’s mother, in person, that I was giving this doll to her son.  So I tearfully told her that I’m giving my doll to her son and she didn’t give a fuck.  She didn’t say “thank you” she didn’t do anything but look at me with contempt.  “Look at this bitch boy crying over his toy.”  Then she happily took a toy from a child who was clearly distressed and was being forced to give his toy away.

    Maybe two weeks later, Paul Reubens gets arrested for masturbating in a porn theatre.  I’m at the kid’s house and I ask him where the doll is.  He says, “My mom threw it away.”

    Why didn’t they just give it back if they didn’t want it?  That woman knew that I wanted it.  

    Today, that boy is in his thirties, 300 pounds, drives a truck, and lives in Texas.  He lives with his mother in a mobile home.  His mother is unemployed and weighs 400 pounds.  These weights are not exaggerated.  If anything, I’m underestimating.

    As an adult, my mother would regularly express confusion as to why I don’t call her.  Did she really not know?  Did she genuinely think that she was a good mother?  Or was this all manipulative bullshit?  

    Anyway, Erin is just reading the catalogue again.  She knows nothing about any of this.  “GI Joe from Hasbro”.  That’s an actual quote.  She’s just reading what it says.  That was the sum total of her GI Joe contribution.  She does this for every fucking page.

    33:45 – “Look at the little greenhouse.  That’s cute.”

    She also sometimes points out cute toys.

    “I remember just circling everything.  It was so much fun.”

    Some horntard said that he used to mark off what he wanted in the catalogues and Erin just repeated his comment, as per usual.  Imagine if she did actually do this, though.  She’s circling all of the toys that she wants and then her parents just throw the catalogue in the trash, never having seen what she wanted.  She clearly got nothing.

    34:45 – She’s telling her remote control car story.  She’s told this one before.  The batteries ran out quickly.  That’s going to be the story, right?

    Yeah.  That’s the fucking story.  We’ve heard this one, Erin.  Get some new stories.  I know that you can’t go back in time and do stuff as a child, but do stuff NOW so that you have stories to tell.  

    35:15 – I had the car at the top of the page.  Winged Outlaw.  Until my mother threw it away while I was at school.

    These are my stories.  I mean, at least I had stuff for a short while before some lunatic threw it in the trash.  Erin didn’t have ANYTHING.

    35:45 – “My first bike was a Barbie bike.  It was great.”

    Great story, Erin.  And it seems that everything she had was either Barbie or Disney.  Her parents really failed her.  This is what created such a boring woman.  

    Oh, and I was forced to sell all of my bicycles at garage sales.  For pennies.

    I’m not even joking about the pennies.  My first bicycle was sold for 25 cents.  These were the prices on this stuff.  Nothing was over a dollar.

    37:45 – Holy shit.  Here’s a revelation.  Some horntard asked if Erin played some game (of course, she has not) but then Erin says that she has a cat.  Why do we never see it?  Why no pictures of Erin’s cat on Twitter?  Why does the cat never enter the streams?  Very confusing stuff.  Is the cat just another lie?

    38:30 – There’s a page on bibles and cassettes, it looks interesting, and Erin quickly turns the page.  She must be really opposed to Christianity.  What god would create a world where a woman gets fucked in the ass by a man she doesn’t love in exchange for Youtube promotion?  And all to the tune of $10,000/year.  Not a loving god, that’s for sure.  But perhaps a just god.

    When justice is done, it brings joy to the righteous but terror to evildoers. 

    – Proverbs 21:15

    “Watches.  Remember watches?”

    This is a new low.  Yes, Erin.  Watches.  They still exist.  

    Here’s another story from my personal archive since Erin is completely devoid of any stories whatsoever.

    I asked a guy in college what time it was once.  We were outside.  He looked like a giant stereotypical nerd.  So he got out his CALCULATOR and told me the time.

    This was in the late 1990s so before cellular phones and whatnot.  People used watches to tell the time.  But no, this guy used his calculator.  There must have been a time function on there but…really?  Would there be?  It would have to be powered at all time.  You don’t charge a calculator.  They usually run on solar power or a little battery that’s hard to replace.  Well, whatever.

    39:00 – Erin claims to have watched old episodes of The Price is Right.  She couldn’t think of the name of the service.  Even I knew what it was and I’ve never used it.  It’s Pluto.  It took her quite a while to remember this.  She’s a big Pluto fan, guys.  And a big Price is Right fan.

    So she saw this Pac-Man watch as a prize on the show.  Allegedly.  She says that Pluto shows Price is Right episodes from the 1970s and early 1980s.  This catalogue is from 1988.

    40:15 – So those are the toys mercifully over.  Erin says, “So what section do you want to look at next?”

    The bra section, Erin.  How many times do I have to suggest this?  It’s a natural.  The people are there jerking off anyway.  Give them something to enjoy other than your hands and your complete shit non-stories about things that you didn’t own.

    There’s an interesting car cover for $150 that Erin immediately ignores.

    “I can’t talk.  If you haven’t learned by now, I am horrible at speaking.  So it’s a wonder why I stream and make videos.  I don’t know.”

    Indeed.

    40:30 – Shout out to colours.

    41:15 – More hue discussion.

    43:12 – Here we go.  I had to give an exact time stamp on this one.  She’s flipping through the catalogue now and landed on a lingerie page.  I’d give that woman in the blue some loving.  I’ll even give it to that big haired blonde woman.  Or dare I imagine…both of them at the same time.  In their JC Penney lingerie.  I have to change my underpants now.

    Then she just looks at children’s clothes because…who the fuck knows?  There’s fucking women in lingerie but no.  She wants to look at children’s pyjamas and just say the name of whatever the character is who appears on the garment.  She thinks that this is interesting?  

    44:15 – There’s a kid in a Star Trek costume and she doesn’t say anything about it.  I don’t think that she recognised it as a Star Trek costume.

    So that’s it for that.  She’s now going to move on to the 1998 JC Penney catalogue.  You can check that out if you’re so inclined but I have no interest in continuing this shit.

  • ATARI Recharged! Asteroids, Black Widow and Centipede – Erin Plays

     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AJdW_WXZOw

    Gee, Erin.  Where do you get your ideas?

    Mike streamed this game, for money, sponsored by a shady, off-shore, corporate conglomerate calling themselves Atari a day or two before this.  I talked about it here:

    https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2021/12/atari-recharged-centipede-and-black.html

    Then he streamed Asteroids, again with Erin, the following day.  Again, this video was “sponsored” by “Atari”.  You can find that video here:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXxEvQvSXvc

    I may or may not “review” that video.  Erin is in the video but she leaves after about 30 minutes.  She just couldn’t take it any more.  She was bored out of her fucking mind.  

    So let’s check out this piece of shit.  Mike got her this “big” sponsorship from “Atari”.  If you didn’t read the previous article, “Atari” is half-owned by some company in France who you’ve never heard of before who sells USB sticks or something and half-owned by a company based in Gibraltar (a corporate tax haven) who just buys cryptocurrency.  They produce nothing.  That’s “Atari” today.

    0:30 – “I’m playing on PC through Steam.  I should really play these on Switch as well because they’re great for like pick up and play games where you just want to play something in bed, or, you know, when you’re on the go and you have some down time.”

    But you won’t Erin.  You will never play this.  Not in bed, not while you’re “on the go”, not while you’re crying in the bathtub, never.  She will never fucking touch this game ever again.  She does not play video games.  At all.  Ever.  Not these shitty games and not good games.  

    0:45 – “The game itself was made by AdamVisiion Studios.”

    Oh, of course.  AdamVision Studios.  We all know that developer.  

    They’re not on Wikipedia.  Not notable enough.  

    The website says, “nickervision studios makes video games, small, dumb and awesome videogames.”  I guess that they’re also known as Nickervision Studios.

    It also says, “I’m learning to make games by making games.”

    This is who made these big AAA titles for the legendary video game company Atari.  Some guy in his mother’s basement.  And Erin is going to try to prop this one-man company up as the creator of awesome games that she’s never played before or even heard of before.

    Shout out to Ding Dong.  You all know Ding Dong, right?  It’s a game, by the way.  A game that this guy made.

    1:00 – “The music in these was made by composer Megan McDuffee.”

    Really?  We’re talking about the fucking composer now?  She is really desperate to pad this shit out.  

    Let’s see if we can find anything on Ms McDuffee.  That renowned composer.

    Well, she has a lot of “sexy” pictures of herself, which is odd for a composer.  She looks dangerously underweight.  Some of that “thinspiration”.  

    https://www.instagram.com/megmcduffee/

    Some pictures of her on all fours while wearing some PVC outfit.  

    This is a composer?  Why would a composer have a “sexy” Instagram?  Show me the pictures of Gustav Mahler in ass-less leather chaps.

    And would I have sex with this woman?  Fuck no.  Jesus fucking Christ.  She’s probably about 30 but she looks 50, presumably as a result of her eating disorder.  

    But that’s not even the point.  The point is that she’s a fucking composer.  Even if it’s just of video game music, why the fuck would she have a “sexy” Instagram?  Why doesn’t she just let her work speak for itself?  Why does she have to be a composer AND a sex symbol for the “pro-ana” crowd?  

    Let’s check out her Twitter.

    https://twitter.com/MeganMcDuffee/status/1472391997658783748

    Not even joking, it’s a video of her pole dancing.  That’s the first tweet that I saw.

    https://twitter.com/MeganMcDuffee/status/1469039534729957377

    Here’s one about her “mental health”.  She talks about her “imposter syndrome”.  

    The Z-list female internet “celebrities” sure love talking about their struggles with mental health.  Everything is always about them.  Me.  Me.  Me.  Fuck everyone else.  Look at my “sexy” pictures.

    She’s also on Youtube and yeah, judging from her videos she does seem mentally ill.  But why advertise?  Ask your mental health professional for the appropriate medication.

    https://www.youtube.com/c/MeganMcDuffeeComposer/

    I won’t link to a specific video.  It’s just all of them.  Click any of them and you’ll see that she’s insane.  She screams it.

    Anyway, we got off-topic.  This is about Erin Plays, a totally sane woman who pretends to enjoy video games while getting fucked in the ass by a man she doesn’t love for $10,000/year.

    1:15 – Oh, we get to see Erin’s totally sexy ice cream/candy cane tattoo.  Hot.

    You know, why doesn’t she just ask Mike for money to have that thing lasered off?  She’s said many times that she regrets getting that tattoo.  Is there much scarring with laser tattoo removal?  I don’t know.  But anything would be better than this piece of shit.

    Erin is playing Asteroids.  Allegedly.  I don’t think that it’s her because in the stream that she did with Mike, she never moved AT ALL.  Not even one fucking time.  She just stayed where the game put her and turned around.  I know that that’s the strategy in the game but you’re not supposed to stay there when an asteroid is coming right for you.  Sometimes you have to fucking move.  But Erin doesn’t move.  Not from what I saw.  She’ll stand there and just watch as the asteroid runs into her.  

    Contrast this with the gameplay from this Youtube video where Erin (or, I suspect, Mike) is flying all over the screen constantly.

    1:45 – “I have personally spent more time on Mine Storm, the pack in game on the Vectrex”.

    And then a stock image of the Vectrex.

    She’s saying that she played Mine Storm on her Vectrex, a system that she only bought a couple of years ago, for the purposes of making a Youtube video, and then never touched again, more than the arcade Asteroids.

    Well, I can believe that.  Because she never played Asteroids before.  But she’s attempting to mislead the mentally retarded viewer.  She’s trying to suggest that she played Mine Storm on the Vectrex A LOT because she’s a big video game fanatic.  She even played this thing more than the very popular Asteroids for the arcade.  

    It’s just more lies and obfuscation from Erin.

    2:00 – “It’s not often that I come in contact with a real Asteroids machine.”

    Well, no shit.  They’re usually found in arcades.  Why would you be in an arcade?  You don’t play video games, Erin.  And even if you do, why go to an arcade?  You can play all of this shit on MAME.  Do you play Asteroids on MAME, Erin?  Of course you don’t.

    “But I have a Vectrex system at home and this is the first game most anyone would play.”

    But have YOU played, it Erin?  Talk about YOUR experiences.  Not the average Vectrex fan out there.  Have YOU played Mine…whatever it’s called?  How much have you played it?  Give us the details.  Stop the lies.

    2:45 – “It’s super fun to try to get a high score so you can get your name on the leaderboard.”

    She’s talking about the thing where you can upload your scores to some Atari Recharged website.  So how many high scores do you have, Erin?  Let me check.  In the video, it shows her in 20th place.  But bear in mind, in the Asteroids stream that she did with Mike, Mike often got 1st place because NOBODY ELSE SUBMITTED A SCORE.  He got some advance copy of the game so nobody was playing it yet.

    Are the scores available outside of the game?  Let me look.

    Not that I’m seeing.  But if you have this game, not that anybody would buy this piece of shit, check it out.  Her username is erinplays.  That’s the name that she used for this one time in her life when she’s going to play the game.  Why didn’t she go with something more imaginative like Cykill1986?

    Then she talks about the co-op feature of the game and there’s footage of her stream with Mike.

    3:15 – Terrible gameplay by Erin.  This is what I was talking about.  She stands in the middle of the fucking screen and doesn’t move even when a giant asteroid comes for her.

    She’s just going over the various “challenges” in the game.  These are different…scenarios like “shoot 20 UFOs” or whatever and the stage is all UFOs.  Nobody cares.  This is a minor addition to the game.  But she’s completely out of ideas.  

    4:00 – Black Widow.  She played this game on stream, for money, with Mike in that video I reviewed.  I didn’t talk about it in the review because I didn’t really watch that part but from what I saw, she hated the game and didn’t want to be there.  It wasn’t like with Centipede where she just lazily moved back and forth and randomly shot things.  With Black Widow, she actively seemed to hate it.

    Maybe it’s just because she had already been playing video games for like two hours by this point.  And Erin doesn’t like video games.  She wanted to get back to watching Britney Spears videos from 20 years ago.  Remember that time when Britney Spears did a Woody “the” Woodpecker impression?  Of course, Erin.  We all do.  

    4:45 – She gives a bad female comedy half-joke about having bugs on her toast which is so fucking stupid and unfunny, and it’s accompanied by an annoying, unfunny, and irrelevant animation, that I don’t even want to discuss it.  Check it out for yourself if you’re interested.

    Oh, by the way, Erin didn’t even mention that this game is based on the arcade game.  She doesn’t know that it was an arcade game.  

    5:15 – Centipede.  

    6:00 – What the fuck?  Close up footage of Erin rubbing a trackball.  Horny Goriya is changing her underpants right now.

    6:30 – Shout out to the cute little ghost.  This is such an awesome review/commercial.  I’m learning so much about the game.  

    6:45 – “I think it’s really cool that Atari is making these.”

    Well…some guy in his mother’s basement along with an anorexic woman with severe mental health problems, all being paid (poorly, I would imagine) by a shady company based in Gibraltar who’s main source of income is the buying and selling of cryptocurrency.  

    Erin finishes this horrendous advertisement by saying that she wants to see Crystal Castles become the next game in this series.  She might have played it once, on stream, for money, during a “variety stream.”

    So that shady company calling themselves “Atari” leaves a comment.

    – “Erin, thanks for checking out the Recharged games … really enjoy your take on gameplay. We will tell the team you are expecting a Crystal Castles: Recharged”

    What team?  It’s a guy in his mother’s basement who states numerous times that he doesn’t know how to make video games.  He’s just doing this for the experience.  He’s learning as he goes.  THIS is the team.  

    Erin replies, “Thanks so much! And that would be awesome”

    So it’s just another generic, “That’s cool” from Erin because she has no idea what Crystal Castles is and even if she did, she’s incapable of having a conversation.

    – “Wow. You moderate comments. -1 subscriber.”

    That was from Jose Garcia.  She must have erased a comment of his.

    – “Hello Erin …how are you doing? Atari is not what it use to be.”

    Yeah.  No kidding.  But of course Erin doesn’t know or care.

    – “Every time I see your Vectrex I feel an overwhelming surge of jealousy. God that is a thing of beauty.”

    It was a stock image, you fucking moron.  Wasn’t it obvious?

    – “Wait a sec Atari still exist”

    Well, not really.  In name only.  I’ve already explained this one.

    – “please stop getting older”

    That was a cruel comment but he makes a point.  Everybody is just here to jerk off.  And they don’t want to jerk off to gamer MILFs.  So how much longer does Erin think that she can keep this up?  

    – “Erin, have you played Dragster before?”

    Erin replies, “No, I haven’t. Should I?”

    Only if you’re interested in video games, Erin.  So no.  

    And what a shock that she never played it before.

    – “The music from this sounds great; reminds me of a Shantae game.”

    Erin replies, “I still need to give a Shantae game an actual play through.”

    Then the guy comes back with a paragraph explanation about how expensive the game is and the best places to purchase it and some pro tips for playing the game.  

    Moron…she doesn’t fucking care.  Shut the fuck up.

    Anyway, if you haven’t got enough of the Atari Recharged series, Mike also did ANOTHER “sponsored” video on Talking About Games.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdhAZ6fKoB4&t=93s

    0:30 – 

    Mike: Let’s start off with Asteroids Recharged.  So Atari is doing this whole series — Recharged series and it’s not just the Asteroids game but that’s the new one.  So that’s going to be the main focus today and it’s the game I’ve been playing.  I’ve played a lot of this game.  

    Ryan: Yeah.

    Mike: So we were able to get a copy of this game, we got it early, and I started playing it.  I was like, “It’s Asteroids.  I’ll probably play it for a little while.  I like Asteroids.”  But I ended up playing this for, like, a lot longer than I expected and I really, really like it so far.  So —

    Ryan: And just for everyone in the crowd, this episode is sponsored.

    Ryan actually had to jump in because Mike “Ron Popeil” Matei was just going to go on with this charade without explaining to the viewer that he’s just shilling for this game.  

    I shut the video off after that.  I’ve watched every episode of this podcast so far but when you do shit like it, it destroys your credibility and makes people not want to watch the fucking videos.  Is it worth it?  How much can “Atari” possibly be paying for this?  They couldn’t even pay a legitimate development team to make the games.  “Atari” contracted some kid in his mother’s basement to make the games.  

    Four fucking videos on this shit.  How much is enough?  Why doesn’t Mike just get a job like a normal person?  It’s fucking embarrassing.  He’s having to shill for these shitty games for PENNIES.  

    I can’t remember offhand but I think that he’s making like $90,000/year from Twitch.  That’s a lot of money but it seems like work.  He streams a lot and he has to deal with these shitty sponsorships.  It’s probably a hassle to deal with them.  Just get a normal job.  What’s the big deal?  You can make $40,000 editing videos or whatever unique skillset Mike might have.

    ,

  • Atari Recharged – Centipede and Black Widow – Mike Matei Live – Erin Plays

     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxCFioqpYlk

    (edit: I wrote all of this before I saw Erin’s most recent video — the one about these Atari Recharged games)

    Here’s a surprise.  I decided to check out the latest Mike Matei video and Erin is there.  Erin didn’t promote this anywhere.  

    I was thinking about Talking About Games, the podcast that Mike does with Ryan, and I wondered why Mike never invites Erin on as a guest.  Wouldn’t that be a thing to do?  It’s in the contract.  He has to promote her in exchange for buttsex.  So why doesn’t he do that?

    Because she would be absolutely god awful.  She knows nothing about video games.  That’s why he doesn’t bring her on the podcast.

    Anyway, let me do a full screen of this video.  Is that a TMNT shirt that Erin has?  I can’t tell.

    0:30 – Mike says that this stream is sponsored by Atari.  What?  

    “It’s an honour to be sponsored by Atari because I grew up with Atari.”

    Whatever faceless corporation that owns the Atari name has absolutely no connection to the original Atari.

    In what capacity can Atari possibly still exist?  Let me look this up.

    In 1984, the company was split up.  The console and computer divisions were sold to unspecified owners and the consumer electronics division (whatever that encompasses…the games, maybe) were sold to the guy who founded Commodore.  

    In 1996, the portion of the company owned by this Commodore guy was sold to disk drive manufacturer JT Storage.  You all know JT Storage, right?

    In 1998, Hasbro Interactive bought out JT Storage.

    In 2001, Infogrames Entertainment, a company based in France, bought out Hasbro Interactive.

    In 2003, Infogrames renamed themselves Atari Interactive.  

    In 2013, Infogrames declared bankruptcy in France.

    In 2020, there was some nebulous deal where a company called ICICB Group took ownership of 50% of the Atari properties.  This company is registered in Gibraltar, a common place for companies to register as a way to avoid paying taxes.

    ICICB is a holding company with large investments in crytocurrency and hedge funds.

    This is the Atari who’s sponsoring the video.  Some Frankenstein company that’s half owned by some bankrupt French company (I guess) and half owned by some scumbags who are buying up cryptocurrency and are incorporated in such a way as to pay as little tax as possible.

    1:00 – The video goes to full screen.  Erin is wearing an Asteroids shirt.  She’s a big Asteroids fan, guys.  She never played the game in her life.

    2:30 – Oh, this game is shit . He’s going to play this for three hours?  This is awful.  It’s a Centipede reboot, by the way.

    They’re playing co-op.  Erin is totally useless.  She’s not even shooting at anything.  She’s just randomly running around.

    4:45 – Mike says, “You ever play a game of Mario and other person is a lot better and you’re just sitting there?”

    I don’t believe that she has, Mike.  But theoretically, that is what would happen.  If Erin actually played video games.  Which she doesn’t.

    Then Erin died again.  This is fucking brutal.

    “This gets very stressful.”

    Go.  Fuck.  Yourself.

    “In a good way, though.  I like it.  It’s like addicting.”

    See previous comment.

    She will never play this again.  It’s “addicting”.

    5:15 – If you get a heart item, the other player can come back.  Erin came back and then Mike died.  So now it’s just Erin playing.  Let’s see if she can survive long enough to bring Mike back.  I’ll guess…no.

    Oh, she actually managed it.  And then died right after.

    6:15 – Erin ran right into an enemy for reasons that only she knows.  Mike was already dead.  So that’s a game over.

    Do I want to watch another two and a half hours of this?  Let me skim the scroll bar.  Whatever it is.  They play another game too, I know.  Yeah…for the first 90 minutes, it’s this shit.  Then then play Black Widow.  I don’t want to see that either.  Let’s push on a little more.

    “That was good, though.”

    No, it wasn’t.  She’s horrible.  

    On a flight, my girlfriend was playing some free games that the airline’s wifi supplied.  She was bad at the games but I encouraged her to keep at it.  

    Mike does the same thing in these streams with Erin.  But it’s patronising.  It’s how you speak to a child.  

    It’s one thing if you’re trying to kill time on a flight and there’s nothing to do but this is Erin’s JOB.  Her JOB is to play video games.  And she doesn’t have a fucking clue what she’s doing.  So Mike has to constantly encourage her in this patronising fashion.  

    8:00 – Mike keeps talking about David the Gnome and Erin is pretending to know what he’s talking about.  What the fuck is this?

    It’s a cartoon that aired on Nick Jr from 1988 to 1995.  No.  I’ve never heard of this.  I don’t even think that Nick Jr existed in 1988 and if it did, I’ve never seen it.  I’ve never watched Nick Jr.  I was too old by the time that channel existed.  I’m not even sure if I ever had the channel.  I watched Nickelodeon but not the Jr channel.

    But yeah, Erin can’t possibly know what this is.  I don’t even know what it is and I’m apparently, sort of in the right demographic.  I’ve never heard anybody talk about this.  I’ve never seen the character before.  I’ve never heard the name before.  This means nothing to me.

    Anyway, Erin is literally doing nothing.  She’s moving back and forward and shooting in a spot that has NOTHING.  She doesn’t even know what the objective is.  SHOOT STUFF, ERIN!  IT’S NOT HARD!

    She’s just randomly moving across the screen and shooting.  This is abysmal.  

    11:45 – Erin said, “I don’t feel bad not being as good as you at this because you’re like Mr Atari.”

    Don’t worry about being as good as Mike.  At least be SEMI-COMPETENT.  At least KNOW THE OBJECTIVE of the game.  In this case, you have to SHOOT STUFF.  Can you SHOOT STUFF, Erin?  

    She’s actually hindering Mike.  Because she’ll shoot a Centipede, purely at random, it will break up, and now there are are two centipedes coming down.  So Mike has to constantly run around and try to fix all of the problems that Erin is causing.

    12:45 – “Asteroids comes out tomorrow.  So check out Asteroids tomorrow.”

    Oh.  So this is all part of the promotion.  That’s why Erin is wearing that shirt.  For a stupid advertisement.

    13:15 – Mike says that the background of this game reminds him of Transformers.  Erin pretends to know what he’s talking about, smiles, and says “yeah”.  

    Good contribution, Erin.  As ever.  You have NO IDEA what he’s talking about.  I don’t even really know what he’s talking about and I watched the cartoon.  As a child.  I have a hazy idea of a purple grid like this appearing regularly in the show but I can’t fucking remember.  I stopped watching that shit when I was nine years old.

    Listen to Erin’s contributions from about 13:00 to at least 16:00.  That’s where I’m up to now.  It’s nothing.  She just keeps saying “yeah”.  She’s the James Rolfe of this relationship.  She has no idea what’s going on and she just agrees with everything that Mike says.  But she can’t contribute to the conversation because she doesn’t know what he’s talking about and/or she’s incapable of having a conversation.  So it’s just “yeah” repeatedly.

    16:15 – Erin died and said, “I goofed”.  Yeah.  Running directly into the enemy for no apparent reason was something of a goof.  It’s like she intentionally ran into him.  What else can this be?  

    Then she starts massaging her wrists.  Shout out to her fake carpal tunnel syndrome.

    When are we going to hear about her test results?  She had nerve tests done or something.  When was this?  

    I mentioned it on October 24 so she had it done at least by then.  This is two months ago.  They would have come back with the results by now.  What are they?  Give us the results of your nerve tests.  Your nerves are fine, right?  This carpal tunnel syndrome is a giant load of bullshit, correct?  Lay it on us.  

    No, she’s going to keep it a secret and keep massaging her wrists to portray the victim.  Look at how much Erin loves the horntards.  She’s willing to completely destroy her wrists for them.  She plays video games SOOOOOOOO MUCH that she’s developed carpal tunnel syndrome.  That’s what she wants us to believe.  But she won’t release the test results.

    18:00 – Mike suggests that he’d like to see a Combat reboot.  He says, “Combat could work”.  About 10 seconds later, Erin says, “Yeah.  Combat could work”.

    This is what I’m talking about.  These are the only sorts of comments that she can make.  She just says, “Yeah” and then repeats what Mike just said.  She has NO IDEA what Combat is.  She never played it before.  So this is the sort of conversation that you get.  

    Maybe if they change the subject to Britney Spears, Erin will have something more substantive to say.

    As soon as I said that, Erin started talking about Disneyland.  It has absolutely nothing to do with the topic at hand (which was video games…specially this video game) but Erin managed to change the subject to Disneyland, one of the few topics that she has some familiarity with.

    20:15 – “I don’t think that I’ve been this stressed by Centipede.”

    That’s a safe bet.  She’s never played the game before.  

    You know what?  I’m done.  I’m sick of the constant fucking lies, the horrendous gameplay, and the abysmal conversation.  

    She couldn’t even talk about Disneyland.  Mike was talking about some Disney shit and she had no idea what he was talking about.  It was like she wasn’t listening.

    There was a funny comment that I saw.  Let me see if it’s still there.  Oh yeah.  

    – “Why is she always over at his house?”

    These are the people watching this shit.  Literal retards.  

    ,

  • Talking About Newt

     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yrww0zkvYzg

    Newt will delete that video soon so I won’t bother putting the title in the description.  He’s reviewing some new Spider-Man movie.  Sort of.

    Let me start by explaining the purpose of this article.  It’s not to talk about what a piece of shit Newt is or the low quality of the video or things of this nature.  I’m sympathetic to Newt (to a degree) and I think that Tony and his shitty Hack the Movies crew are complete scumbags..

    I’m just going to tell it like it is.  I’m sick of Newt feeling sorry for himself.  It’s pathetic.  You were fired from a shitty job, and a shitty Youtube series that nobody watches, and everyone at Screenwave are human garbage.  You should be grateful that you’re out of there.  

    0:00 – “It’s 3:00 in the morning.  I don’t sleep any more so that’s fun.”

    It should be noted that Newt has a job.  Some lunatic on Reddit posted Newt’s LinkedIn.  He got a new job almost immediately after getting fired from Screenwave.  He’s working at a cinema in some managerial capacity.  

    So what’s the problem?  He’s working.  He’s been working for two months.  The job is probably comparable to what he was doing at Screenwave.  We’ve seen what Screenwave pays.  It doesn’t get that much lower.

    I didn’t work for two years after arriving in the UK.  I was homeless for a while.  I lived in a squat for a while.  And for the first five years of living in the UK, when I did have a home, it was an overcrowded, dilapidated, mouse and cockroach infested shithole.  I lived in a place with six guys from Sri Lanka and the shower didn’t work so we used a bucket.  I lived in another overcrowded shithole with six Indian guys and one day we were just all kicked out.  That happened in three properties, actually.  I lived in a place owned by Hasidic Jews, about 12 people from Eastern Europe living there, a mountain of garbage on the front lawn for the entire time that I lived there, and one day, they just brought thugs in to turn the gas and electricity off and change the locks.  No notice.  I have hundreds of similar stories.  

    You want to know how many times I cried on the internet about this?  Not once.  I didn’t cry at all about it.  I got shit done.  

    2:30 – “It’s hard to review this movie without being a dick.  I’m trying not be a dick any more.”

    So he’s going to be a pussy instead.  He just changed genitalia.  

    Then there was the time when my benefits/welfare application was rejected so I appealed and I took it all the way to the courts, even though I was homeless for part of this time and living in a squat for the rest of it, and I won, and I got all of the money that was owed to me, backdated from when I originally applied, and the judge tore into those faggots from the council, and I made those motherfuckers eat shit.  

    That’s how I handled things.  I didn’t cry like a little girl about it.  I took the offenders to task.  

    4:00 – “I’m old and my brain doesn’t work any more.”

    No, you’re just a whiny bitch.  I’m older than Newt and I’m in fine health physically and mentally.

    4:30 – “That’s why I’m sitting in my kitchen and my cat is biting my feet and Kevin Feige  is making billions and billions of dollars.”

    I don’t know about billions of dollars but I can go to the US right now and make $100,000/year.  I see the jobs advertised.  There’s loads of them.  I’m qualified.  I learned the trade.

    Or I can stay where I’m at and do whatever.  I can get a job in an office and make £25,000/year.  It’s fine.  

    Or I can move anywhere I want.  Anywhere in the US, UK, Europe.  I have citizenship in three countries.  I can move to a village in Denmark, buy a house, and do jack shit.  Just collect benefits.  

    These are the options that you have when you get up every day and do something with your life.  

    Did I have any advantage over Newt?  Aside from not being a bitch, I don’t think so.  I had a shitty childhood, shitty adulthood.  But instead of wallowing in self-pity, I made a series of decisions to change my life.

    10:45 – After reviewing the movie, he says, “I’m glad that I wasn’t shitty and skipped it because I’m a sad old man.”

    I’m looking at Newt’s resume.  First of all, he’s significantly younger than I am.  But secondly, he worked in retail for a few years as a young man and then the rest of his jobs are in hotels, cinemas, and theatres.

    It’s fine.  That’s what he chose to do.  If he didn’t like these jobs, he could have done something else.  

    There was nothing stopping him, for example, from moving to China and teaching English.  

    Or forget about moving abroad.  There was nothing stopping him from learning to cut hair, moving to San Francisco, and being a fabulous hair stylist.

    Or he could have stayed right there in rural Pennsylvania and got a job as a dock worker.  Live out his Rocky fantasies.  They still have dock workers.  

    He could have done whatever the fuck he wanted.  He chose to work in cinemas, theatres, and hotels.  He chose to work at Screenwave.  He chose to make these shitty “movies” with Horseface McGee.  

    If he wasn’t happy with this, why did he do this for 20 years?  There was nothing preventing him from making a change at any point.  There’s nothing preventing him from making a change now.  He can do whatever he wants.  

    But this is obviously what he wants.  That’s why he continues doing it.  He enjoys working in movie theatres, being “creative” with his shitty movies, and trying to have sex with horseface women.  This is his thing.  And that’s fine.  If that’s your thing, do it.  If it isn’t your thing, do something else.  But don’t fucking bitch about it and beg for sympathy.  

    11:45 – “I’m trying not to have a pity party.”

    What?  You’re clearly not trying very hard.

    12:00 – “I’m investing in me.  It’s part of my therapy.”

    Here we go with the pity party.

    Then he says that he sold his movie poster collection and comic book collection because he’s trying to fund some shitty movie.  Oh my fucking god.  This is not it.  This is not the answer.  Did you see my examples?  English teacher in China, hair stylist in San Francisco, and dock worker in Philadelphia.  Where did I say, “Famous movie director?”

    When I say, “You can do whatever you want”, I mean within certain limits.  You can’t be a professional basketball player or a neurosurgeon or a movie director.  You don’t have the talent or credentials for any of that.  

    Take that money and spend it on a SENSIBLE dream.  Don’t blow it on your shark vampire movie.  What the fuck?  It’s idiotic.  This is not going to be a success.

    12:45 – “I want to be more than the idea man.”

    Holy shit.  Newt should not be anyone’s idea man.  I am not joking.  Shark Vampire was his big idea that he was proud of.  And he had similar, child-level ideas.  Monkey Exorcist.  Pigeon Mummy.  Shit like this.  This will never be a success in a million fucking years.  There is a zero percent chance of receiving ANY money, prestige, or happiness from this endeavour.

    He wants to, “Put something on camera, even if it’s schlocky and hacky, at least it’s mine.”

    Just use your camera phone to film your toilet droppings and go do something productive with your life.  He knows that this proposed movie is going to be bad.  How can it not be?  He can’t write and his ideas are shit.  So why bother?  

    13:15 – “2022 is the last year that I’ve given myself to achieve some of the things that I’ve wanted to achieve since I was a kid.”

    As a child, he wanted to make a series of fake commercials with a scantily-clad horseface woman?  

    I can see as a child, wanting to make a good movie.  You think that you have great ideas.  “What if it’s Alf but he contacts his home planet and calls in a nuclear strike on the Tanner home?”  Shit like this.

    But we’ve seen Newt’s ideas.  They’re horrible and he knows it.  Why make a horrible film?  I don’t get it.

    – “I can’t wait to see all of the amazing things that you make”

    This should not be encouraged.  I’m encouraging Newt to do something positive with his life.  These people are encouraging delusions.  Newt is not going to make an amazing anything.  Shark Dracula, people.  That’s his great idea.  That sucks dick and you know it.  

    – “I got blocked from Tony’s channel I’m devastated . I was one of the longest and biggest supporters . Only thing I did I guess to deserve that was promote your channel when I saw ppl asking about u.”

    Yeah, Tony and the gang are real pieces of shit.  I gave them the benefit of the doubt but the more I see of them, the less I like them.

    – “Well done! Stop saying you’re old, your NOT! When you’re my age you can say it, maybe. By the way you’ll never have enough time or money. It’s one of those things about indie film. Great that you’re learning the technical side. It’s IMPORTANT! Spot on review. Believe in yourself Newt! Never think you failed. It’s only a failure if you do the mistake again. Keep going. My boys want to see the film bad, so eventually we’ll go and make a day of it. Till then keep on punching Newt!”

    By your definition, he is a failure.  He’s been making the same shitty “movies” over and over again.  He has dozens, if not hundreds, of awful fake commercials starring Horseface McGee in a bikini.  This is shit.

    Shark Dracula.  Robot Werewolf.  Hippo Frankenstein’s Monster.  These are his ideas.  They’re stupid.  Come on.  Do the right thing and tell him that these ideas are stupid. It’s not being cruel.  It’s being caring.  Don’t feed his delusions.  Steer him to a SENSIBLE goal.

  • Christmas Vacation is a Classic! – Talking About Tapes

     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJM9JlVEcQY

    0:00 – Tony starts by wishing the audience a “Happy Holidays” and then the always smoking hot Crystal Quin repeats the sentiment.

    Let me stop the video right here.  “Happy Holidays” doesn’t exist outside of the US.  It’s strictly a stupid American thing.  In the rest of the world, they say “Christmas” if they’re talking about Christmas.  And let’s not kid ourselves.  “Happy Holidays” is a reference to Christmas.  

    If you’re talking about Hanukkah, or Eid, or Kwanza, or any of this bullshit, you would use the actual name of the holiday.  And speaking of things that only exist in the US: Kwanza.  Nobody even celebrates that shit any more.  So “Happy Holidays” is supposed to be inclusive of only Hanukkah and Eid now.  

    What percent of the US population celebrate Hanukkah or Eid?  Wikipedia says 1.9% of Americans are Jewish and 1.1% are Muslim.

    So you’re saying “Happy Holidays” to appease 3% of the population?  At best.  Because just because somebody is Jewish or Muslim doesn’t mean that they celebrate the respective holidays.  

    Do you think that a Jewish person or a Muslim person wants to hear “Happy Holidays”?  It’s insulting.  WHAT holiday?  This bullshit is just as insulting to them as it is to people who celebrate Christmas.  It’s fucking braindead bullshit that appeases nobody.  

    And what about Asian people?  I mean the non-Muslim ones.  What are they doing?  I asked some Chinese woman this before and she said that they don’t celebrate Christmas, of course, but they go and visit their families around this time.  Why?  What’s the holiday.  I think that this was that thing where children would get red envelopes with money in them.  So are we also wishing Chinese people a happy Red Envelope Day when we say “Happy Holidays”?  

    You can take this “Happy Holidays” and shove it up your ass.  

    See, if people would just travel more, they’d realise how many stupid things there are in the US.  Adult men wearing shorts is a good example.  If you see an adult man wearing shorts in the UK, that man is an American tourist.  Put some fucking “trousers” on, you buffoon.  This is one that I knew even when I lived in the US, so I never wore shorts past the age of 12 or so, but maybe that’s because I travelled abroad as a kid.  

    Baseball caps are another one.  They’re ubiquitous in the US but, again, not worn outside of the US.  And again, for an adult to wear a baseball cap…it’s pathetic.

    I remember seeing a guy in shorts and a baseball cap yelling at a worker in a Subway.  This was in Dublin.  He was an American, of course.  He was unhappy at his sandwich being toasted longer than to his liking.  He wanted a new sandwich and this request was refused.  So he yells, “Am I supposed to eat a burnt sandwich like a dumbass?”

    “Dumbass” is another thing that doesn’t exist outside of the US.  It’s a stupid American profanity.  They gave him a new sandwich after he made a scene.  

    Who goes to Dublin and then dines on Subway?  Stupid Americans.  Try the local cuisine.  You can get Subway anywhere.  Although, the Subways in the UK and Ireland are significantly different to the ones in the US.  They’re vastly inferior, though.  So you can safely avoid this culinary experience when traveling abroad.

    2:45 – Tony starts talking about Talking About Tapes versus Hack the Movies but admits that they’re “basically the same show.”  It’s exactly the same show.  Nobody knows what the distinction is.  

    He’s also going on and on about subscriber numbers and how subscriber growth went down recently.  Presumably, around the time that Newt was fired.

    I don’t know if it’s a direct result of that.  Personally, I didn’t particularly like Newt and I HATED him when he was paired with the super sexy Crystal Quin.  But I can say that I have a really sour taste in my mouth about Talking About Tapes after that whole thing.  It was such a scumbag move to fire him and then on top of that for everyone to stop talking to him and not mention anything about this on the show.  My opinion of the Screenwave Gang dropped dramatically after that whole thing.  And I didn’t have a particularly high opinion of them to begin with.

    You don’t want to subscribe to somebody who you don’t like.  You don’t want to watch videos of somebody who you find objectionable.  

    That’s obviously what I do when I’m watching an Erin Plays video or whatever but I only watch this shit for the purposes of writing about them.  I’m generally not watching videos of people who I don’t like.  Doug Walker, for example.  I HATE that guy.  So I don’t watch the fucking videos.  Or that pretentious bald guy who was in that “slapstick” AVGN episode.  He can fuck off too so I don’t watch any of his trash.  Or Metal Jesus.  Or Pat the NES Punk.  Or Gamester81.  Or LazyGameReviewer.  I don’t like ANY of these people so I don’t watch the videos.

    They might even make videos.  LGR, for example.  I think that he makes interesting videos but I refuse to watch them because I don’t like him as a person.  

    So when you behave poorly, say, by ostracising a long-time friend of yours over some stupid bullshit because you’re trying to save your shitty job, people are turned off by that and as a result, won’t watch your shitty Youtube videos.  

    4:00 – Crystal suggests that if more people subscribe, she’ll appear in more episodes.  I’m not sure how that follows but this is the perfect incentive NOT to subscribe.  I’m not subscribed, by the way, and that sealed it for me.  I am not going to subscribe.

    4:30 – Shout out to Jawls.  You all remember Jawls, right?  Crystal really needs to avoid saying words that have “aw” in them.

    5:45 – Johanna says, “I can’t believe that people sometimes want my autograph.”

    Well…that makes two of us.

    7:30 – Clucking hens.  Nobody can understand what’s being said here.

    Tony says, “Someone thought it was a good idea to do a combination Cinemassacre but minus James/Hack the Movies panel, so all of the questions were for Cinemassacre and all of the questions were for James, who was not there.”

    At least we get some inside information that even the people involved in these panels can’t understand why they’re happening.  Nobody wants to go to a Cinemassacre panel that doesn’t feature Jimmy Rolfe.  

    And who would possibly want to go to a Hack the Movies panel?  But I’ve seen it.  I’ve seen the videos.  People are there.

    I’ve seen loads of these nerd convention videos.  No matter how obscure somebody is, there will be a panel for them and people in the audience.  So…apparently, this is a thing that people do.

    9:15 – Johanna is angry because Tony didn’t use her home video footage of her trip to Disney World on the Hack the Movies Patreon.  Who the fuck would want to see that?  “Here I am on the tea cups”.  Nobody cares.

    Well, I don’t know.  I suppose that people do make Youtube videos of them going to Disney World or whatever.  Adam the Woo, for example.  But that’s boring as fuck.  I don’t watch that shit.

    9:30 – Johanna says “hot totty” and Crystal thought that she said “hot titty” and proceeds to do some painfully bad female comedy.  We get it, Crystal.  You’re super hot and everybody wants to see your tits.  Except me.  There must be something wrong with me.

    10:30 – Tony mentions that he broke up with his girlfriend so lost custody of his cat.  Apparently, he posted pictures of this cat on his Instagram or something but is no longer doing that.

    13:00 – They’re finally going to start “reviewing” the video.  This is Christmas Vacation.  Isn’t that that shitty Chevy Chase movie?  Let me look this up.

    Yeah.  I’m not watching this shit.

    So that was Tony from Summarise the Moves and the gang talking about Christmas Vacation.  This was a “special” episode, as they mentioned several times.  It was a “gift” to the “fans”.  The “fans” on Patreon voted for this movie.  This is the movie that they most wanted to see “reviewed”.  So…maybe somebody appreciates this shit but not me.

    , ,

  • James Rolfe is Back in his Covid Bunker

     https://twitter.com/cinemassacre/status/1470876969147539470

    “I’ll be taking a holiday break from the podcast. Lots of my family has been testing positive for Covid. Don’t worry. We’re Ok. All us of age are vaccinated and have no major symptoms, but still, it’s been a lot to deal with. AVGN 200 Part 3 coming soon. Podcast back in few weeks.”

    First of all, let’s appreciate how insane it is that Justin Silverman is writing in the guise of James Rolfe.  That’s what this is.  Jimmy can’t even be bothered to tweet his own tweets so it’s Justin Silverman writing these, as though it were Jimmy writing these.  

    It’s like how there are two Jewish brothers writing the Iron Sheik’s tweets and I recently heard that they’re doing Virgil’s tweets as well.    People will re-tweet the Iron Sheik’s wacky tweets, thinking that it’s actually the Iron Sheik writing them but, no, it’s these two Jewish brothers who somehow finagled their way into this.  They’re his “manager” or at least his “social media manager”.  

    But yeah, Jimmy is petrified of covid.  The man is mentally retarded.  It’s sad to see.  This is how somebody of below average intelligence reacts to the constant scare mongering around covid.  

    Maybe he just doesn’t want to do these podcasts any more.  One of the top comments mentions this:

    – “Is this gonna be like the ‘break’ from James and Mike Mondays? Should we prepare for the podcast to be the Justin and Kieren show?”

    It’s a reference to Jimmy’s proposed 7 month hiatus from James and Mike Mondays, which turned into, “Actually, I don’t want to do this any more.”

    Top comment is this one:

    – “Jesus. I hope you & your family are okay, mang. I know you’re really responsible when it comes to health, yourself & your family so I have a strong feeling, you’re doing everything you can to protect yourself & your family. Stay safe. We all love you.”

    Completely bizarre.  There are a lot of people who will defend Jimmy and seem REALLY invested in Jimmy’s family.  Why do they care so much about Jimmy being a “good father”?  Is Jimmy their surrogate father?  

    And of course it’s insane the amount of times that Jimmy will use his children as an excuse to not do any work.  If he’s genuinely that invested in his children that’s he’s willing to sacrifice his job for them, then he’s a fucking moron.  If he’s just using his children as an excuse not to do any work, then he’s unbelievably lazy.  In either case, this is not something to praise.  

    Jimmy is refusing to do his JOB so that he can spend more time with his children.  Doesn’t he see any problem with this?  Is Jimmy independently wealthy?  Because when this Youtube shit goes away, and it will go away, Jimmy is working at Wawa for eight bucks an hour.  Full time.  Or he’ll have several minimum wage part time jobs to equal a full time job.  That’s 40 hours a week, Jimmy.  Doesn’t he realise this?  And he won’t be making enough money to support these children.

    Have a healthy work/life balance NOW so that you can secure your financial security in the future.  But fucking retard Jimmy Rolfe is completely disinterested in this easy as fuck and fairly lucrative job that he has now so he’s spending all of his time with his children.  It’s just hastening the demise of this gravy train that he’s on  He’s a fucking moron.

    Most of the responses to this tweet are cult-level supportive.  Justin must scrub these comments hard.  EVERYBODY cares about Jimmy Rolfe’s family.  And they apparently think that Jimmy works REALLY HARD.  It’s risible.  These people are on another planet.

    Let me check the hidden comments at the bottom.  These are usually the best ones.

    – “if you all had no symptoms, why get tested at all ? it’s not like people have routine testing unless for their job”

    – “You know what’s BULLLLSH*T?! Taking a V-A-Double X and your whole family still gets sick. Future episode?”

    – “He never indicated he’s sick or that anyone that was vaxxed got sick”

    – “Testing muh vaccines on muh children!”

    – “OMG!!! You only have a 99.9% chance of survival. I hope you make it!! This could be bad!”

    I wasn’t disappointed.  

    Who is even sick?  He just said “my family”.  Does he mean his aunt and cousins who live across the country and he hasn’t seen in 30 years?  We have no fucking idea.

    Now let’s get into the conspiracy section of the article.  If every adult in the Rolfe household is vaccinated why did they get covid?  The goalposts were moved and then the story became, “You can still get covid if you’re vaccinated but the symptoms are less severe.”  That’s not much of a vaccine.  

    Why do people think that covid will be eradicated by a vaccine anyway?  It has flu-like symptoms.  So let’s look at the flu.

    There’s a new flu vaccine every year.  But there have been…I don’t know…thousands of different types of flu, millions, billions.  Who knows?   So they take the most common flu strains for that year and put it in the vaccine.  So it protects you from the most common flu strains.  Sort of.  For that year.  Then you have to get a vaccine the next year because there are loads of new flu strains that come out all the time.

    Influenza hasn’t been eradicated.  Why would covid, which has remarkable similarities to the flu, be any different?  

    This is where all of these boosters come in.  There’s a new covid variant that’s even more deadly and terrifying than the rest of them combined.  Better go get your booster.  Oh.  Like the flu?  Like how you have to get a new shot for the flu every year?  Yeah, I’m good.  I’m not worried about the flu and I’m not worried about covid.  But if you’re worried about these things, by all means get the vaccine.  What do I care?  

    They shut the world down over the flu.  I don’t know what caused covid.  Some scientist in China made a boo boo or some Chinese guy ate a bat or fucked a chicken or whatever.  But what I do know is that it’s completely preposterous to shut the world down over this.

    If Jimmy wants to hide in his home, he’s free to hide there.  He’s always been free to hide.  But for the rest of us, for those of us who aren’t mentally retarded, can we just go about our lives undisturbed?  Can we go to work?  Can we go to the grocery store without wearing a useless mask?  This is all a complete farce.  Somebody is making a lot of money off of this, and that’s why this is happening.

    How can any rational person believe this shit?  I’m still waiting to find out what happened to Osama bin Laden.  Burial at sea, you say?  In keeping with “Muslim traditions”, is it?  No pictures.  No journalists.  Huh.  Interesting.  You’ve captured the number one terrorist in the world but…just throw him in the ocean.  We don’t need any pictures or independent confirmation that any of this actually happened.  

    People bought that.  That’s still the official story of what happened.  It’s preposterous.  

    I could swear that I told my Gulf War story before but I’m not seeing it in the archives.  

    In 1990, a 15 year old girl from Kuwait gave testimony to the US Congress about how Saddam Hussein’s troops were taking babies from Kuwaiti incubators.  

    I was like 12 years old at the time and I thought, “This doesn’t make any sense.  Why would they do that?  There’s nothing to be gained.”

    So I go to school the next day and the teacher is talking about this.  She presents this story as factual.  We should all be outraged at what Saddam Hussein is doing.  He’s ordering troops to take babies out of incubators.

    People bought this shit.  As a 12 year old, I thought that it was bullshit.  But fully grown adults bought this shit.  Educators.  People with college degrees.  That preposterous story was the catalyst for the invasion of Iraq and it was 100% lies.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nayirah_testimony

    Then in 2003, there were stories going around that Saddam Hussein was putting people in wood chippers.  And I thought, “Wait a minute.  That doesn’t sound right to me.  Wasn’t this from a movie?”

    It was all bullshit, but again, it was used as a catalyst to invade Iraq.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saddam_Hussein%27s_alleged_shredder

    “What about that Tuskegee syphilis thing?”  Yeah, it’s here:

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tuskegee_Syphilis_Study

    So James Rolfe is cowering in his home like a little bitch.  But the man is mentally retarded.  Semi-intelligent adults believe this shit.  I don’t know how but…you see this time and time again.  There’s some ridiculous, bullshit story in the news and people believe it.  Sometimes it gets proven to be untrue.  I suspect that this is what will happen with covid.  Some day, we’ll be told what the truth actually is with this.  But by then, the damage has already been done.  I’m thinking that the lost city of Atlantis is somehow involved.  

  • Limited Edition Mondo Mothra Tokyo SOS Premium Statue Unboxing – Castzilla VS The Pod Monster

     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vu_ODXQ_zB8

    They start by apologising for not uploading.  Tony suggests that the reason for the break was because of Newt getting fired so Johanna had to do more Talking About Tapes aka Hack the Movies videos.  

    Then Johanna opens this box.  It’s a plastic statue.  Look at that thing and guess how much it costs.  My guess was fifty bucks.  Spoilers below.

    Four hundred dollars.  She spent four hundred dollars on a plastic statue that she had to assemble.  It’s like those cheap statues that come in “premium” game packages.  

    Who the fuck would spend $400 on this thing?  

    Is there any value to these statues in the secondary market?  Let me check Ebay.

    I don’t think so.  I’m seeing an unopened Harley Quinn statue from 2017 going for $500.  That’s probably not far off from the original price.  And this Mothra thing has been opened.  So there goes its value, if it even had any to begin with.

    Nobody will want this shit in ten years.  Nobody wants it today.  This is trash.  She spent $400 on trash.

    That Mondo site claims that their trash is made by artists.  For $400, you could have got actual art made by artists.

    I bought a print from some “urban art” site years ago.  Limited edition of 10.  TEN.  For comparison purposes, this Mothra statue is “limited” to 300.  And how much did I pay for this print?  Like $100.  

    I’ve seen people occasionally ask for this print.  And since there are only ten of them out there, I have a fair amount of selling leverage.  Not that it’s worth anything.  If I got my $100 back, I’d be shocked.  But I got it because I liked it, not for an investment.

    Four hundred dollars for a plastic statue that you have to assemble.  It’s something that’s manufactured as a “collectible”.  This is worth nothing.  

    Elvis commemorative plates.  Or Princess Diana commemorative plates.  All of this shit that was made to be a “collectible”.  It’s worth nothing today.  

    What were those little statues in the 80s?  My friend’s mother collected them.  Precious Moments.  There was even a store in town that sold nothing but these.  They aren’t worth shit today.

    Fucking Beanie Babies.  Worthless.

    Oh, the Franklin Mint.  They would do those $500 gold-plated Monopoly sets and whatnot.  Let me check Ebay for that shit.

    I’m seeing a Franklin Mint Monopoly going for $550 or best offer.  Given the inflation between now and 1991, that’s a significant loss.

    You can buy one with “heavy wear” for $200.

    In ten years, this Mothra statue is going to be on Ebay, marked as “heavy wear”, and going for fifty bucks.  And nobody will buy it.

    What’s the most I ever spent on a comic?  $70 maybe.  This was as a kid, though.  I didn’t buy this shit as an adult.  I got a Vampirella #8.  From Warren.  It’s from 1970, I think.  Let me look that up on Ebay.

    There’s a really beat up copy for $25.  My copy was in “very fine” condition.  Oh, here’s one in very fine condition.  $110.

    So even comics from the 1970s aren’t worth anything today.  Certainly, comics from the 1980s to the present are also worthless.

    You can get all kinds of crazy shit on Etsy for $400.  Pennsylvania art and antiques.  A belt and buckle from the Civil War.  A page from the Pennsylvania Gazette from 1800 detailing George Washington’s funeral.  A rare book that’s entitled “Rural Pennsylvania Clothing: Study of Wearing Apparel of the German / English Inhabitants Men / Women”, 

    Wouldn’t any of this be more interesting?  Not to mention better investments?  

    I can state categorically that that plastic statue, that she had to assemble herself, will never sell for anywhere near $400 ever again.  She’ll be lucky to ever get $100 for that thing.  

    It’s just such a shocking waste of money.  I’ve never spent anywhere near that much on trash.  I don’t buy trash as an adult.  

    Not to get too personal, but where is she even getting the money to piss $400 away on plastic Mothra statues that she has to put together?  We’ve seen what Screenwave pays.  It’s a modest salary.  She can’t be making much from these podcasts.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Tony pays nothing.  And her fiance is a used car salesman in a small town.

    Just grossly irresponsible spending, I guess.  Like the trips to Disney World and whatnot.  

    What about saving money to get a house or for your retirement or just general emergency money (medical bills, Justin decides to fire you for some trumped up bullshit, whatever)?  No.  Let’s get a $400 plastic statue that you have to assemble yourself instead. 

    ,

  • Xbox Series X Halo Infinite Unboxing – Destiny Fomo

     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JepNm3szm04

    Oh, it’s another 10 minute and 1 second instalment of Madam Fomo’s Double D Unboxing series.  I reviewed the first one here:

    https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2021/10/nintendo-switch-oled-unboxing-in-new.html

    It’s just Madam Fomo realllllllllllllllllly stretching out a boring as fuck unboxing because she’s trying to make the video over 10 minutes long, and thereby get a few pennies from Youtube monetisation.

    So let’s check it out.

    Oh, she’s back to red hair.  She can go back to using her Jessica Rabbit name.  That’s her prostitute name.  Or one of them.  She had to keep changing her name because her escort reviews were absolutely abysmal.  The worst reviews I’ve ever seen, although I don’t often look at escort reviews.

    0:15 – “If you’ve been watching me for any length of time, you know that I’ve always been Playstation nation.”

    What?  Have I not been paying close enough to Madam Fomo’s alleged video game preferences?  She used to bill herself as the Nintendo Queen or something.  In fact, I can’t recall ANY videos she’s done about Playstation.  I’m sure that she has but none come to mind.

    0:45 – “Let me know your thoughts and opinions in the comments below.”

    No, thanks, Madam Fomo.  I don’t care about that shit and you don’t care about that shit.  So let’s stop the charade.

    1:30 – “If you’re interested in playing with me, I will put my public gamer tag in the description below.”

    This is another weird scam that she’s running.  And in the description it says, “Lets be friends” and gives all of her social media shit.  How pathetic is this?  Conning the mentally retarded.

    She then keep saying “cod”.  Do people do that?  Refer to Call of Duty as “cod”?  I know that they use the abbreviation COD in text form but do they actually SAY “cod”?  

    2:00 – Then she starts her “text me” scam.  That’s all this video is.  It’s Madam Fomo advertising her various swindles.  Her pimp TuanX must have been unhappy with how little money she’s been making lately.  “Go tell the retards about your scams, bitch.  And just wear a bra while you’re doing it.”

    She then advertises her god awful Only Fans.  My review of her Only Fans is my most popular article.  Madam Fomo regularly tries to get that article removed.  Unsuccessfully.  It’s here:

    https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2021/02/destiny-fomos-onlyfans-review.html

    Spoiler: don’t fucking bother.  It’s Madam Fomo in a one piece bathing suit.  She also started teasing a masturbation video.  If she got $1000 in donations, or something insane like that, she would release the video.  And she’s FULLY CLOTHED in this masturbation video.  I’ve never even heard of this.  Who’s going to pay anything for a video of a woman FULLY CLOTHED and masturbating?  It’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard of.

    But for $4/month, you can join the “fun”.  

    2:15 – “Look at the details of this box.”

    Oh my fucking god.  She’s really filibustering on this shit.  We don’t care about the box, Madam Fomo.  Get on with it.

    3:00 – She’s showing her tits.  We’re supposed to be jerking off to this?  It’s a prostitute in a bra struggling to open a video game console.  Who cares?  Who possibly has this fetish?

    She’s said repeatedly in this video that she never played Halo, by the way.

    God, this is really dragging.  She’s focusing on the various fucking boxes.  Who cares? 

    7:45 – She’s resting her tits on a couple of XBoxes.  This is pathetic.

    9:30 – “If you guys liked the video, give me a thumbs up.  And send me a text.”

    No, Madam Fomo. I am not going to send you a text.  This is some weird scam.  Your pimp TuanX has the exact same weird scam going on.  He has some bizarre “text me” thing on his website and you have to provide your name, age, Instagram, all kinds of creepy shit.  

    9:45 – She suddenly starts speaking Ebonics for no reason.  Let me try to transcribe it.

    “Everyone’s always in the comments like, ‘Ey, yo, ma.  What’s this?  What it do?  What’s that?  Let me get your number.’  Well, it’s in the description below so send me a text.”

    I’d really like to figure out exactly what the scam is.  I had the idea that TuanX was using it to lure new girls to his prostitution racket.  But how many girls are going to be texting Madam Fomo?  

    Is this like a premium rate number or something?  

    If you Google the number, you’ll find this page:

    https://www.numberguru.com/phone/917/809/6092/

    And there’s a list of people complaining that they receive calls from this number and they’re scams.  All kinds of scams.  Prize scams, sugar baby scams, porn scams, religious scams, lost friend scams.  The complaints go back to 2017.  

    This is the number that Madam Fomo wants you to text.  It’s a scam.  If she’s not directly involved with the scam, she’s getting some kind of commission from the actual scammer for referring people.  She’s referring the mentally retarded to a scammer.  Or perhaps she’s the direct scammer.  But that’s what this is.  It’s a total scam.

    Why else would she CONSTANTLY encourage you to text her?  She just wants texts that badly?  She’s making money from this.  And it’s a clear, 100% fraud.

    Here’s another site of people complaining about this number:

    https://800notes.com/Phone.aspx/1-917-809-5147

    Add insurance scams to the list of complaints.

    So I assume what happens is that you text this number and then you’ll start getting bombarded with scam calls and emails.  And Madam Fomo gets some kind of a commission from this.  I’d expect no less from a real, no fooling, prostitute.

  • JAWS on NES! – Erin Plays

     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2xW514yaYM

    Is Erin doing something different with her thumbnails?  Because this is the second video in a row where I have to comment on how bad the thumbnail is.  She has a horribly-Photoshopped sea captain’s hat on.  Either get a real hat or don’t do this.  Because this looks like shit.  And I think that that’s the idea, she’s making a bad thumbnail “ironically” but only because she can’t make a good thumbnail.

    So this is going to be 17 minutes of Erin playing Jaws for the first and last time ever.  Great.  What will be “cute”?  The shark, maybe?  The sting rays, I bet.  I’ll say the crabs too.

    And what about colours?  Logos?  Fonts?  I bet that all of this will be covered.  Oh, and backgrounds.

    Oh, and she’s doing this LJN game to tie in with “the Nerd” and his 200th episode spectacular.  By the way, I’m not doing a review on part 2 of episode 200.  I watched it, it was boring, and I don’t want to watch it again.  

    0:15 – “Enough people have talked about the movie so we’re just going to talk about the game.”

    What the fuck?  Enough people have talked about the game as well.  What does that even have to do with anything?  This is her whole fucking thing.  She talks about games from 30 years ago that have already been reviewed and discussed to death.  But she brings her “unique” perspective to it, as somebody who’s not remotely interested in or knowledgeable about video games.

    The reason that she’s not going to talk about the movie is because she never fucking saw it before.  Why not just be honest with the viewer for a change?  

    “So when I think of Jaws, I automatically think of that scene in Back to the Future 2.”

    What?  Why don’t you think of the movie Jaws when you think of Jaws?  Because she never fucking saw it before.

    I don’t care that she’s never seen it before.  I’ve never saw it before either.  The issue is the blatant dishonesty.  Just say that you’ve never it before.  What’s the big deal?

    0:30 – “I remember this being a very simple NES game.”

    You’ve never played it before, Erin.  Stop the fucking lies.

    “It’s been a while since I’ve played this.”

    Lies.  MAYBE she played it briefly, on stream, during a “variety stream”, for five minutes.  She counts this as having “played a game” before.

    1:45 – “I wouldn’t say that this is a bad game.  It’s very simple and kind of repetitive.”

    I place zero weight on the opinions of somebody who hasn’t even played the fucking game before.

    2:00 – “It’s definitely not the worst LJN…uhhh…publications.”

    She said “publications” because “the Nerd” mentioned in his recent episode 200 extravaganza that LJN was merely the publisher for some games.  But I’ve never heard somebody refer to a game as a “publication”.  Erin has no idea what she’s talking about.

    2:15 – “I need more conch shells…conch…I can’t say that word.”

    She pronounced it as it’s spelled.  But it’s pronounced “conck”.  The “ch” make a “k” sound.  Erin is really putting that English degree to work.  Forget about an English degree.  She’s really putting that fourth grade education to work.

    2:30 – Erin gives a pro strat showing that if you’re at the top of the water, Jaws can’t get you.  Maybe Mike actually helped with this episode for once.

    3:00 – Erin says that she likes the shallow water stage that she’s on because Jaws won’t be there.  Then when Jaws appears, she says, “Oh, no there he is.  I got confused” and she laughs nervously, knowing that she’s been exposed as a fraud for the billionth time.

    3:15 – “Baby Jaws!”

    Cute.  And she’s never seen this before.  She was surprised by it.  This is a common enemy that appears throughout the entire game.

    Then she dies.  “Oh, so the top of the water trick doesn’t work on baby Jaws.”

    You didn’t know this?  Why not?  You’ve played this before, right?  And I don’t just mean for five minutes, on stream, for money.  You’re a Jaws pro.  Right?  That’s what you want us to believe?

    She’s really bad at the game, by the way.  In case it needs to be said.  She dies a lot.  

    4:30 – “I am not a Jaws expert.  I am very sorry.”

    Why didn’t you start the stream with this information?  Why present yourself as a pro when you’ve clearly never played the game before?

    5:00 – “Do you think that there’s anyone who calls themselves a Jaws expert?  I hope that there is.  It’s the internet.  It’s 2021.  I’m sure there is.”

    I’m not sure what the year or the internet has to do with things but there are people who enjoy old video games, yes.  Erin is totally blown away by this concept.  She can’t even comprehend it.  

    People want to play THIS?  Old games?  Instead of listening to Britney Spears?  Wild stuff.

    5:15 – “Do you have a captain’s hat?  I just hope the NES Jaws expert, he better be wearing a captain’s hat at all times.  That’s my fantasy.”

    That explains the bad thumbnail, I guess.  She thinks that this is funny.  This is “comedy” to her.  Some of that delicious female comedy that nobody on earth enjoys.

    5:30 – “Bonus scene?”

    She’s never seen this before.  But she fucking said that she’s played this before.  How is it possible?  She’s played the game but has never seen this bonus scene before?  

    6:00 – “Imagine the guy driving this plane…driving this plane!  Steering it, whatever.”

    Piloting, Erin.  Don’t you have a degree in English?  Why is it that your vocabulary is so limited and your pronunciation so poor?  

    I mean, I know that they don’t teach vocabulary and pronunciation in a college-level English class.  That’s more primary school stuff.  But how has this all passed Erin by?  Did she not go to school?  

    “Oh, not steering a plane.  I mean flying a plane.”

    Piloting.  

    6:15 – “(Gasp) Look at that!”

    She’s referring to a little cut scene that shows that she can now track Jaws with a receiver.  She’s never seen this before?  It’s the first item in the game, apparently.  I’ve never played the game before so I don’t know.  But why doesn’t Erin just fucking admit that?  Just start the video with, “I’ve never played this before.”  Why is that such a big deal?  Because when she presents herself as an expert and is then surprised by every fucking thing in the game, it doesn’t make any sense.

    7:00 – “We don’t always get to choose our outcomes in life, do we?”

    Erin is regretting her decision to become a fake gamer grrl and get fucked in the ass by Mike Matei for Youtube promotion, all for $10,000/year.  

    But no, this could have all been avoided.  This is happening because of choices that you’ve made, Erin.  You’ve deliberately attempted to deceive people with this gamer grrl scam and you now regret it because your scheme has failed miserably.  This is all on you.  You chose to do all of this.  So you live with the consequences.

    Then she ran directly into an enemy and died.  That’s the second game over for this video.

    7:15 – “So a lot of time has passed.  I’ve collected a lot more shells.”

    Oh, that was nice of Mike to play.  How much buttsex does he get for this?  Have you written out a formal contract or what?  For every minute of him helping you with your video, he gets 20 seconds of buttsex?  Something like that?  I think that a 1:1 ratio would be unfair.  Like one minute of helping with the video equals one minute of buttsex.  But 20 seconds sounds about right to me.

    Then she almost died straight away.  That would have ruined all of Mike’s hard work.  Why doesn’t she just use an emulator and save states?  

    8:30 – “I like hermit crabs.  I used to really want a hermit crab and a guinea pig.”

    Oh, riveting stuff, Erin.  Another story about something that Erin DIDN’T do.  Tell us more about pets that you didn’t have, Auntie Erin.

    “And I still kind of want both.”

    What’s stopping you?  The fact that you’re only making $10,000/year so can’t afford to keep any pets?  That’s sensible.  Or it could be the nebulous relationship that she’s in.  It could end at any moment.  So she doesn’t want to bring a pet into this.  That’s good.

    8:30 – “If you told me when I was 16 that this is what I’d be doing when I’m 34, I’d be like, ‘Ehh, probably not but I could see it.”

    How do you figure?  Wouldn’t your 16 year old self be baffled that you’ve suddenly become interested in video games as a 34 year old? 

    I wonder if there actually are people who didn’t start playing video games until later in life.  I mean people who were alive during the whole video game era.  They were never interested in video games as a child but then suddenly, in their late 20s, let’s say, they decide to play a game and they realise that they like it.  Is there any example of that?

    I can’t imagine a scenario where that would happen.  

    Well, maybe somebody wasn’t impressed with the primitive gameplay of the older games but then many years later, they see how far games have come and they get into it.  Or maybe there’s a woman who didn’t like the games that were clearly geared to boys back in the day but now she appreciates some more female-friendly game like Minecraft or something.  Maybe this is possible.  

    “And I’d also say, ‘Really?  Is that what I do?’”

    It would indeed be perplexing to your 16 year old self.  Not to get too dark, but her 16 year old self might legitimately contemplate suicide if she knew that she’d be in a fraudulent relationship with some guy, getting fucked in the ass for promotion, being a fake gamer, and all for $10,000/year.  That’s depressing as fuck.  No wonder Erin sleeps so much, regularly cries in the bathtub, and visits her parents ten times a year.  I have to imagine that she’s heavily medicated as well just to cope with all of this.

    9:00 – “So even more time has passed and I got the submarine.”

    Oh.  More buttsex for Mike.  She was AWFUL at this game during her first two runs but now that she’s playing off-stream (allegedly) she’s really doing well at the game.  

    Why not just say that Mike got you through the game?  Because that’s clearly what’s happening.  

    9:30 – “I like that this is what the sub looks like.”

    You’ve never seen it before, Erin?

    “It looks like a bullet.”

    Oh.  We haven’t seen “X looks like Y” in a while.  This is her favourite “joke”.  

    10:00 – “When the bombs drop, they kind of look like eyeballs at first.”

    You wait ages for a bus and then two come along.

    10:30 – “Oh, yeah.  And also you have another button to use now.”

    She said this after an edit.  The other button throws a different projectile.  Erin didn’t know this.  Mike must have told her about it as he’s standing next to her, off-screen, watching this disaster of a video.  

    Then she immediately gets hit.  We’re going to need another edit for Mike to get that submarine back.

    11:00 – “Yes!  Power 6!  Now we’re getting somewhere.”

    Well, mostly Mike, off-camera.  This is so fucking blatant.  We saw how Erin did in the first two runs, which were largely unedited.  She was HORRENDOUS at the game.

    But then in her third run of the game, which is HEAVILY edited, she’s going to beat the fucking game.  Why not just say that Mike is helping her?  Because we all fucking know it.  Who is being fooled by this?  Not even her mentally retarded viewers are falling for this.  Right now, Games and Movies is saying, “Wait a minute…something isn’t right here.  HUGS!”

    11:00 – Then she gives a pro tip that Mike obviously told her during the last off-screen session of the game.

    12:00 – “I am so over this.  I just want to get to the part where you torpedo him.”

    So pause the recording again and have Mike take over.  What’s the big deal?  That’s what you’re going to do anyway.

    12:30 – “Oh, power 7.  Okay.”

    Keep up the good work, Mike.

    13:00 – Then Erin gets surprised when the action part of the game just ends.  But that’s what it does.  That’s what it’s been doing this whole time.  That’s the fucking game.  How can she be surprised by this?  She said that she’s played this before.  And she’s doing REALLY well on this third run of the game.  She’s going to beat this shit no problem.  Jaws is at really low health now.

    13:15 – “Was that like a six-finned shark or was that just a glitch.”

    Ummm…it was a few sharks together.  I’ve never played this game either but even I know this.  How is it possible that she doesn’t know this?  I’ve seen this sort of thing IN THIS VIDEO already.  Didn’t she see it?  

    14:00 – She beat Jaws.  Erin can’t believe it.  Her mouth is agape.  That’s the same face she’s going to be making tonight when she’s fellating Mike.  Getting him all lubed up for that backdoor action that’s about to happen.

    “Okay, so he has to be in the middle, really close up.  I remember that much.”

    Stop the farce, Erin.  We all fucking know what’s going on.  You’ve never played this before and it’s Mike who is playing this game off-camera.  We saw how poorly you did on your own.  There is no fucking way that you suddenly became good at the game between your second and third playthrough.  

    14:30 – She failed at this last part of the game so now Mike is going to help out some more.

    15:00 – Then she hits him after however many hours Mike had to replay this game off-camera and she’s really shocked by this.  This wasn’t planned at all.  She beat the game.  For the first time, apparently.  Even by this totally invented story that Erin has concocted for this video.  

    “We did it.”

    At least she says “we”.  But really, Erin’s role in this was minimal.  So congratulations to Mike Matei for beating Jaws.  You’re a real pro gamer.

    “The fucking Tail Spin plane.”

    Oh, and Mike even prompted her with a line that she can use.  Hey guys!  Remember Tail Spin?  That cartoon from the early 1990s that Erin was too young to remember?  Mike remembers it.  As do I.  I’m about the same age as Mike.  And Mike really likes his 1990s Disney cartoons.  He talks about them often.

    15:15 – “So I didn’t think that I was going to get it that time.  I was like, ‘I’m going to have to do this again’”

    It is so fucking unbelievably obvious that Mike is playing this game.  Everything that Erin is saying is a complete and utter lie.  We can all fucking see it. Why is she saying all of this?  These are child-level lies.  Give the audience some fucking credit.  Just say that Mike helped you through the game.  It’s not a big deal.  The problem is the blatant fucking lies.

    16:00 – “In that first attempt at sending the torpedo or whatever, the spear at Jaws…”

    Harpoon, Erin.  It’s a harpoon.

    That’s the video.  You know what would have made Erin’s ridiculous lies slightly less obvious?  If she just would have cut out the first two attempts at the game.  But she was too lazy to do that.  She recorded the footage so she’s going to use it.  She doesn’t want to have to do a second take.  

    Let’s peruse the comments.

    Oh, top comment is from King Horntard Joe from Gamesack.

    – “This game actually had quite a bit of potential. If they just tweaked the design a bit more! Of course hindsight is 20/20 as they say.”

    Do you really think that she played the game, Joe?  This is ridiculous.  Just ask Erin to move in with you.  Enough of this wooing Erin on Youtube.  Take the plunge and ask her to move in.  

    Maybe you can negotiate a better contract than the one that Erin is currently on.  Maybe slightly less buttsex, for example.  Or more promotion.  I think that Joe from GameSack has a bigger audience than Mike Matei.  

    Yeah, 269,000 subscribers for Joe versus 69,000 for Mike.  A lot of 69s there.  You know what I’m saying?  Could be a lot of sexual stuff going on, Joe.  You just have to ask.  You know that this is what she does so just present your case and see what happens.

    Maybe Joe could mention his smaller penis as another benefit.  Or his erectile difficulties.  This is a weird thing to speculate on but you have to assume that there would be less buttsex going on at the Joe from GameSack household.  Mike seems completely obsessed with it.  

    – “After watching the Nerd’s LJN History video I came here to see Erin play Jaws.”

    It wasn’t a coincidence, Ninten70.  It was obviously an attempt to capitalise on the glory that is episode 200.  

    – “Do you suppose the programmer of this game had played Seaquest on Atari 2600? The underwater sections bear a striking similarity.”

    Good question, Mr Ben.  Do you want to field this one, Erin.  Seaquest for the Atari 2600.  Have you played it?  Compare and contrast the two games.

    – “You should join Only Fans. Jaws will drop ;)”

    Erin’s bulky sweatshirt must have really been making Bear McRear horny.  Bear McRear…that’s probably Mike’s nickname for Erin.

    – “Tell 16-year-old Erin she’s going to grow up to be f***ing iconic!”

    That was from big time horntard and Lego enthusiast NewWaveJunkie.  He thinks that he has a shot at that ass if he just keeps leaving sycophantic comments.

  • The BEST Games to Play on GAME PASS this Holiday – Cannot be Tamed

     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTgh33rUuxY&t=6s

    0:00 – Starts off with an ad for Best Buy Canada.  Not just regular Best Buy.  Specifically, the Canadian subsidiary of Best Buy.

    How many Canadian viewers do you suppose she gets?  Let me check my metrics.  

    Five percent of the hits I get on the blog are from Canada.  The vast majority, 69%, are from the US.

    I have to imagine that it’s similar for Pam aka CannotBeEntertaining.  And as an advertiser, you’d want to know this information.  I think that you have to give these sort of metrics to the advertisers before they agree to any deal.  She’s advertising something that’s aimed at 5% of her audience.

    After two days, this abysmal video, part of a series of boring as fuck videos about Game Pass (whatever that is), only got 4,500 views.  So five percent of that is 225.  She’s advertising a product that only 225 people MIGHT be interested in.  

    I used to go to Best Buy back in the day.  But only after Egghead Software shut down.  I hated Best Buy but it was the only place to get games and computer shit.

    One time, my mother promised to get me a Genesis game.  I only had a few games for it.  So we happened to be in Best Buy and she said to get a game but she only has $15.  What fucking game am I going to get for $15?  So I protested but she said that that’s all she has so it’s this or nothing.  I ended up getting Clayfighter because that was one of the few games within the budget.

    Another time, I saw Grand Theft Auto on the shelves.  I couldn’t believe it.  I played the demo extensively, which I got from some European video game magazine.  I never thought that I’d see the game because it was a British game and as far as I was aware, not released in the US.  I had played this demo for years by this point so the game was already old.

    But there I saw a lone, beat up box on the shelf.  I’m talking about the first Grand Theft Auto, with the overhead perspective.  So I excitedly brought it to the counter and paid for it.  It was good.  I played it a lot.  

    Then I got Grand Theft Auto 2, which was the futuristic one.  That one was less good but I still played it.

    And one of the early games that I downloaded, when I got the internet, was Grand Theft Auto: London.

    So I was a huge Grand Theft Auto fan.  Probably one of the earliest in the US.  But then Grand Theft 3 came out, the first 3-d game in the franchise, and it was so unbelievably laggy that I got off the series entirely.  Allegedly, that thing had Playstation code on it.  Rockstar abandoned the PC market and just focused on consoles.  

    Bully is the same.  They tell you to press the fucking square and triangle button and shit.  On the PC version of the game.  I’m playing on a keyboard.  There’s no fucking triangle button.  They didn’t localise it AT ALL.  And it was also laggy as hell.  Twenty years later, or whatever it is, those games are still probably barely functional on a modern computer.

    Many years after my boycott, I eventually got GTA 3, Vice City, and San Andreas in some bundle on Steam, heavily discounted.  I wasn’t interested in Vice City and I gave up on San Andreas on those flying missions.  It’s impossible to do the flying missions on a keyboard.  Again, they didn’t localise it to the fucking PC.

    Then I got GTA IV and that sucks hard.  And then I got GTA V and that also sucks, but not as badly as GTA IV.  Don’t want to do a mission?  No problem!  Just skip it!  We’ll pretend that you beat it!  What’s the fucking point?  So I’m back on my boycott.

    Other Best Buy *nostalgia*…oh, I bought a whole computer system from there once.  The actual PC and a monitor and I think that it came with a keyboard and mouse and speakers and whatever else.  It barely fit in the shopping cart.  As I’m coming out of the store, somebody sees me with this overflowing shopping cart and says, “Best Buy just hit the lottery” or something.  

    So I’m trying to get this shit in my car.  It doesn’t fit.  I think that I had a hatchback at the time, but it just didn’t fit.  These were huge boxes.  

    It’s starting to get dark.  The store is closing.  And I’m panicking.  Can I take one box back to the store and make two trips?  It’s a pretty long drive to get here.  Would they even do that?  What if they steal it?  

    So I just tore apart the box for the monitor and I was able to get everything in at that point.  Without all of the extra packing material inside, it was fine.  But now what am I going to do with this torn apart box and packing material?  It wouldn’t fit in the car and there was no place to dispose of it.  So I just left it in the street.

    I get home and I realise that in order to get this $50 rebate, I need to provide the UPC seal, or whatever it’s called, from the box.  The bar code.  So there goes that rebate.

    Another time, I got a 20 inch monitor for my birthday.  Twenty inches was pretty big at the time. And it was one of those big CRT or whatever monitors.  It was from Best Buy.

    So I’m playing and I keep smelling burning plastic.  I don’t think that this is safe.  So we bring it back.

    They refuse to accept it because we didn’t have the receipt.  Had I known this, I wouldn’t have even bothered.  Of course they’re not going to accept it without a receipt.

    So that was $200 down the toilet and my only birthday present.  The monitor was moved to the garage.  I don’t know why.  Maybe the thought was that a broken monitor still has some kind of value.  It was a fucking no-name, generic monitor.  That was the first problem.  Everything had to be done on the cheap with my family.  

    I got a lot of games from Best Buy.  PC games mostly.  That was their thing.  They had a small selection of console games but I was never really into consoles anyway.  I think that I got Half-Life from there.  That was great.  I played that extensively.  And all of the online mods that you could play on it.  Counter-Strike and Team Fortress Classic and there were loads of smaller mods, made by amateurs, that were fairly popular.  There was so much value in that game.  

    Then Steam came along so I never had to go to Best Buy again.  I was really happy about that.  But I still had to go there for DVDs.  The last thing I got from there was a Simpsons season 4 boxset.  I get it home and one of the DVDs doesn’t play.  It’s scratched or something.  So I had to go back and replace it.  Fortunately, I kept the receipt.  

    This is the problem with Best Buy.  Their shoddy fucking merchandise.  I had loads of problems with shit not working from there.  

    So let’s continue with Pam’s boring as fuck video.

    God, I can’t with this.  Does she time-stamp the Best Buy ad?  That’s the only reason I’m here.

    Holy shit.  She does.  5:58.

    That’s some mom dress, Pam.

    She says that Best Buy Canada offers financing on an X-Box.  If you can’t afford the full purchase price of an X-Box, you shouldn’t be getting an X-Box.  Don’t go into debt over fucking video games.  You can download millions of games right now, on your PC, for free.

    7:00 – Pam says that she’s going to buy HERSELF some controller for Christmas.  That’s just sad.  Get a boyfriend, Pam.  Or a girlfriend.  Your dog isn’t cutting it.  Can your dog buy you shitty controllers from Best Buy?  Controllers that are probably broken?  

    She’s such a terrible pitchwoman too.  Atrocious acting.  

    How much do you suppose Best Buy Canada paid for this shit?  And what is their return going to be?  It has to be $0, right?  Who’s going to buy something from Best Buy Canada based on this video?  Out of the 250 people who are in this eligible group?  It’s fucking ridiculous.

    Why would Best Buy Canada throw their money away?  Why is Best Buy even still in business?  They’re the worst company that I’ve ever dealt with.  They should be called Worst Buy, am I right, fellas?  

    Pam should be doing ads for ball trimmers and the like.  The usual Youtube sponsors.  Would you rather buy a ball trimmer from some buffoon like John Riggs or from a “hot babe” like Pam aka CannotBeEntertaining?  

    Pam could get a kiwi and shave it in a suggestive manner.  And she’d be talking about what it would be like to shave your balls.  How she likes a man with shaved testicles.  Then maybe she puts the now shorn kiwi in her mouth.  

    Maybe one of the horntards would actually buy the product on the strength of this advertisement.  “Hey, if I shave my balls, maybe Pam will go out with me!”