Christmas Vacation is a Classic! – Talking About Tapes

0:00 – Tony starts by wishing the audience a “Happy Holidays” and then the always smoking hot Crystal Quin repeats the sentiment.

Let me stop the video right here.  “Happy Holidays” doesn’t exist outside of the US.  It’s strictly a stupid American thing.  In the rest of the world, they say “Christmas” if they’re talking about Christmas.  And let’s not kid ourselves.  “Happy Holidays” is a reference to Christmas.  

If you’re talking about Hanukkah, or Eid, or Kwanza, or any of this bullshit, you would use the actual name of the holiday.  And speaking of things that only exist in the US: Kwanza.  Nobody even celebrates that shit any more.  So “Happy Holidays” is supposed to be inclusive of only Hanukkah and Eid now.  

What percent of the US population celebrate Hanukkah or Eid?  Wikipedia says 1.9% of Americans are Jewish and 1.1% are Muslim.

So you’re saying “Happy Holidays” to appease 3% of the population?  At best.  Because just because somebody is Jewish or Muslim doesn’t mean that they celebrate the respective holidays.  

Do you think that a Jewish person or a Muslim person wants to hear “Happy Holidays”?  It’s insulting.  WHAT holiday?  This bullshit is just as insulting to them as it is to people who celebrate Christmas.  It’s fucking braindead bullshit that appeases nobody.  

And what about Asian people?  I mean the non-Muslim ones.  What are they doing?  I asked some Chinese woman this before and she said that they don’t celebrate Christmas, of course, but they go and visit their families around this time.  Why?  What’s the holiday.  I think that this was that thing where children would get red envelopes with money in them.  So are we also wishing Chinese people a happy Red Envelope Day when we say “Happy Holidays”?  

You can take this “Happy Holidays” and shove it up your ass.  

See, if people would just travel more, they’d realise how many stupid things there are in the US.  Adult men wearing shorts is a good example.  If you see an adult man wearing shorts in the UK, that man is an American tourist.  Put some fucking “trousers” on, you buffoon.  This is one that I knew even when I lived in the US, so I never wore shorts past the age of 12 or so, but maybe that’s because I travelled abroad as a kid.  

Baseball caps are another one.  They’re ubiquitous in the US but, again, not worn outside of the US.  And again, for an adult to wear a baseball cap…it’s pathetic.

I remember seeing a guy in shorts and a baseball cap yelling at a worker in a Subway.  This was in Dublin.  He was an American, of course.  He was unhappy at his sandwich being toasted longer than to his liking.  He wanted a new sandwich and this request was refused.  So he yells, “Am I supposed to eat a burnt sandwich like a dumbass?”

“Dumbass” is another thing that doesn’t exist outside of the US.  It’s a stupid American profanity.  They gave him a new sandwich after he made a scene.  

Who goes to Dublin and then dines on Subway?  Stupid Americans.  Try the local cuisine.  You can get Subway anywhere.  Although, the Subways in the UK and Ireland are significantly different to the ones in the US.  They’re vastly inferior, though.  So you can safely avoid this culinary experience when traveling abroad.

2:45 – Tony starts talking about Talking About Tapes versus Hack the Movies but admits that they’re “basically the same show.”  It’s exactly the same show.  Nobody knows what the distinction is.  

He’s also going on and on about subscriber numbers and how subscriber growth went down recently.  Presumably, around the time that Newt was fired.

I don’t know if it’s a direct result of that.  Personally, I didn’t particularly like Newt and I HATED him when he was paired with the super sexy Crystal Quin.  But I can say that I have a really sour taste in my mouth about Talking About Tapes after that whole thing.  It was such a scumbag move to fire him and then on top of that for everyone to stop talking to him and not mention anything about this on the show.  My opinion of the Screenwave Gang dropped dramatically after that whole thing.  And I didn’t have a particularly high opinion of them to begin with.

You don’t want to subscribe to somebody who you don’t like.  You don’t want to watch videos of somebody who you find objectionable.  

That’s obviously what I do when I’m watching an Erin Plays video or whatever but I only watch this shit for the purposes of writing about them.  I’m generally not watching videos of people who I don’t like.  Doug Walker, for example.  I HATE that guy.  So I don’t watch the fucking videos.  Or that pretentious bald guy who was in that “slapstick” AVGN episode.  He can fuck off too so I don’t watch any of his trash.  Or Metal Jesus.  Or Pat the NES Punk.  Or Gamester81.  Or LazyGameReviewer.  I don’t like ANY of these people so I don’t watch the videos.

They might even make videos.  LGR, for example.  I think that he makes interesting videos but I refuse to watch them because I don’t like him as a person.  

So when you behave poorly, say, by ostracising a long-time friend of yours over some stupid bullshit because you’re trying to save your shitty job, people are turned off by that and as a result, won’t watch your shitty Youtube videos.  

4:00 – Crystal suggests that if more people subscribe, she’ll appear in more episodes.  I’m not sure how that follows but this is the perfect incentive NOT to subscribe.  I’m not subscribed, by the way, and that sealed it for me.  I am not going to subscribe.

4:30 – Shout out to Jawls.  You all remember Jawls, right?  Crystal really needs to avoid saying words that have “aw” in them.

5:45 – Johanna says, “I can’t believe that people sometimes want my autograph.”

Well…that makes two of us.

7:30 – Clucking hens.  Nobody can understand what’s being said here.

Tony says, “Someone thought it was a good idea to do a combination Cinemassacre but minus James/Hack the Movies panel, so all of the questions were for Cinemassacre and all of the questions were for James, who was not there.”

At least we get some inside information that even the people involved in these panels can’t understand why they’re happening.  Nobody wants to go to a Cinemassacre panel that doesn’t feature Jimmy Rolfe.  

And who would possibly want to go to a Hack the Movies panel?  But I’ve seen it.  I’ve seen the videos.  People are there.

I’ve seen loads of these nerd convention videos.  No matter how obscure somebody is, there will be a panel for them and people in the audience.  So…apparently, this is a thing that people do.

9:15 – Johanna is angry because Tony didn’t use her home video footage of her trip to Disney World on the Hack the Movies Patreon.  Who the fuck would want to see that?  “Here I am on the tea cups”.  Nobody cares.

Well, I don’t know.  I suppose that people do make Youtube videos of them going to Disney World or whatever.  Adam the Woo, for example.  But that’s boring as fuck.  I don’t watch that shit.

9:30 – Johanna says “hot totty” and Crystal thought that she said “hot titty” and proceeds to do some painfully bad female comedy.  We get it, Crystal.  You’re super hot and everybody wants to see your tits.  Except me.  There must be something wrong with me.

10:30 – Tony mentions that he broke up with his girlfriend so lost custody of his cat.  Apparently, he posted pictures of this cat on his Instagram or something but is no longer doing that.

13:00 – They’re finally going to start “reviewing” the video.  This is Christmas Vacation.  Isn’t that that shitty Chevy Chase movie?  Let me look this up.

Yeah.  I’m not watching this shit.

So that was Tony from Summarise the Moves and the gang talking about Christmas Vacation.  This was a “special” episode, as they mentioned several times.  It was a “gift” to the “fans”.  The “fans” on Patreon voted for this movie.  This is the movie that they most wanted to see “reviewed”.  So…maybe somebody appreciates this shit but not me.

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