Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2E1F25RpbU

How many times is he going to reference Horseface?  It’s a 27 minute video so…I’ll guess…10.  About once every three minutes.

0:00 – He says that he hasn’t slept in three days.  Again…why?  What is the problem?  He was fired from a low-paying job that he didn’t like SEVEN MONTHS AGO.  And he immediately found another job.  

0:30 – A reference to “the other company” aka SCREENWAVE MEDIA, INC.  Actually, I don’t know if they’re incorporated or not.

0:45 – “I was talking to my therapist about it, and she was like, ‘This is great.  This is a chance to do a do-over with good people and you have people who are just there for you to make sure that you’re good’”.

He’s talking about how he told his therapist about going to this nerd convention.  

I’d like to have a word with that therapist.  She doesn’t seem to be helping.  Does she know about Shark Vampire?  Does she know about Florida Man?  Does she know about puppet Plan 9 From Outer Space?  

How could any responsible professional possibly advise a patient to go ahead with these ideas?  This is presumably an educated woman.  Does she honestly think that these are good ideas?  They’re all ideas that I would expect from a third grader and they’re straight up stolen.  He stole all of these ideas.  Shark Vampire is just Batman with a shark’s head.  

She should be encouraging him to stop all of this stupid shit.  It’s ridiculous.  You have a job.  Focus on the job.  If you don’t like the job, get a different job.  But these movies/comics/whatever…forget it.  We’ve seen your ideas.  They’re unbelievably bad.  It’s not going to be a success, ever, in a million years.  

1:15 – “I didn’t want to be triggered from being in a convention or seeing people and taking the wind out of my sails and stuff.  And yeah, that did happen but, you know.”

Horseface reference #1

2:00 – He sold 60 comics and 20 of them were to people who he knew.  

I’m reminded of those magazine subscriptions that you used to have sell in school.  This scam had been going on for decades by the time I was doing this.  But by the time I was doing it, the 1980s, parents weren’t letting their children go door to door selling magazine subscriptions.  Rightly.  If these companies want door to door salesmen, hire door to door salesmen.  Don’t use child labour and then pay them with shitty prizes.  “Here’s a pencil topper for selling five subscriptions.”

So what these swindlers would tell you to do, when they came to the school to do their sales pitch, is just to sell them to your family and friends of your family.  Maybe give it to your father so that he can guilt his co-workers into this shit.  

The whole thing is detestable.  I cite these magazine subscriptions or calendar sales or wrapping paper or chocolate or whatever as the single most deplorable thing that schools did in my day.  Forcing kids to sell this shit.  And these were at private schools.  We were paying tuition.  But there were just constant “fund raisers”.  And I wasn’t going to sell this shit so it was another bill for my parents and they got this cheap shit in return.

2:45 – “We had the biggest suite at the Showboat.”

Wait…what?  He was sharing a hotel room with PVC Bondage Girl and/or Mel, and/or that fat guy in that one picture who may or may not be the boyfriend of one of these women?  

I remind you that these are employees of his.

2:45 – “Melissa, who’s usually behind the camera, and Metz, who’s usually helping us, they came down and they were kind of dressed kind of sexy and it was getting guys to come over to the table and stuff like that.”

This is pathetic on so many levels.  Let’s just move on.

3:15 – “My boy Race, who oddly enough I met him through that Reddit that hates me.”

I haven’t heard the term “my boy” since the 9th grade.  Mexican boys used to use this term.  Newt’s growth has been stunted both physically and emotionally.

Anyway, he’s hanging out with weirdos from Reddit.  Great.

4:45 – He mentions for at least the third time that his mother told him that she was proud of him.  He’s referencing the video where he asked his mother, “Are you proud of me?” and she answered in the affirmative.  

So it was prompted.  She didn’t say this spontaneously.  

And who gives a shit anyway?  Newt is 40 years old.  Why does he care about making his momma proud?  “I was a good boy today, wasn’t I?”

“Neither one my parents had ever said that before.”

Yeah.  I mean…I feel bad for saying this but it happened exactly as I described.  Who gives a shit?  Anybody would have answered in the affirmative when prompted by that question.  Was she going to say, “No, I’m very disappointed in you, Newt.  This comic is just tits and gore.  Is this really the best that you can do?”

I’m not saying that she’s not proud of Newt but maybe she’s just somebody who doesn’t say these things.  Who cares?  You’re 40 years old.  

Now he’s talking about how his parents never said, “I love you” to him and whatnot and how that “fucked with” him.  

Some people are better parents than others.  Some people are more affectionate than others.  Get over it.  

5:15 – “I saw a friend of mine who I haven’t seen in a long time and hasn’t talked to me in a while and I kind of got them alone out in the hotel, in the balcony, looking out at the ferris wheel and stuff.  And I was just like, ‘I understand that things can’t be the way that they were but I love you and you’re like my brother and I want to make sure that no matter what, you’ll always be in my life.’  So I got to clear the air with one friend.”

Wait…what?  I thought that he was talking about Horseface at first.  So he was on this balcony, overlooking the ferris wheel, in the biggest suite in the hotel, having this romantic evening with JUSTIN SILVERMAN?  He told Justin Silverman that he loves him?  

Oh my fucking god.  I don’t know how much more of this I want to hear.  Maybe Justin is the one who he was sharing this room with.  

5:45 – “Not another one but time, hopefully, will heal shit.”

Horseface reference #2

6:00 – My goal, ultimately, is that a lot of people are going to see the cool stuff that we’re doing and they’re going to want to play too.”

What?  So he’s doing all of these idiotic projects, again, just to get Horseface to talk to him.  This is seriously fucked up.  Just stop this fucking bullshit and get your life together.

7:45 – “I’ve said it before, I’m not the most creative person in the world.”

Newt is the master of the understatement.

8:30 – Newt reveals that he was talking to Doofy from Scary Movie at this nerd convention and they’re texting now.  Is Newt coming out of the closet in this video?  

9:45 – Eugh.  Newt was talking to some other Z-list celebrity about Horseface and this Z-list celebrity said, “‘Sometimes you have to burn down a chunk of the forest so that things will regrow’.  That’s kind of what’s been happening.  There’s been a lot of parts that I thought I couldn’t live without that unfortunately I’ve had to shed in order to keep moving forward, just like other people have to do with me.”

Horseface reference #3

I’m on target for reaching ten Horseface references.  It’s been every three minutes so far.  

I’m not even joking here.  Horseface needs to speak to a lawyer about Newt’s behaviour.  This is dangerous.  Something needs to be done.  I don’t know if Newt needs psychological help or what.  This therapist doesn’t seem to be working.  Maybe he needs a competent therapist.  Maybe he needs to be involuntarily placed in a mental health institution.  

10:00 – “So he and I talked and he was around when my mom said that she was proud of me.”

This is so very, very sad.  I don’t even want to write about Newt any more.  He’s deeply disturbed.  

10:15 – “Joe Bob and Darcy came over and we were talking about the Drive In that my ex-producing partner and I, during covid, we flew out to LA…”

Horseface reference #4

11:00 – “Last summer, I wrote, directed, produced, and starred…well, co-starred in a short, along with that producing partner.”

Horseface reference #5

12:45 – He’s talking about how he’s launching a “merch” site for the comic and…I guess Florida Man t-shirts and whatnot.  

Why doesn’t he just put this shit on Etsy?  Do you need a dedicated “merch” site?  Etsy would also be more secure than anything you’re going to crank out on the cheap.  

13:00 – He gave a copy of this pornographic comic to his boss.  

14:00 – He’s telling a story about PVC Bondage Girl but he doesn’t give her name.  It’s only later in the story when it becomes clear that he’s talking about PVC Bondage Girl.

These stories are impossible to follow because he doesn’t use anyone’s names.  Everyone has an alias.  “My former producer partner”, “The red-haired girl”, “My former employer” whatever.  Just don’t tell the fucking stories if you don’t want to use anyone’s names.  We don’t want to fucking hear about this shit anyway.  Leave Horseface alone.  She’s not fucking interested.  And this is creepy as shit.

So anyway, this PVC Bondage Girl story…it’s something about alcohol.  He’s vague on all of the details.  

Oh.  He couldn’t find PVC Bondage Girl so he ran around the hotel, making an ass of himself, asking people if they saw her.  But it turned out that she was just curled up in a corner somewhere suffering from alcohol poisoning.

15:00 – “Saturday, obviously, I had a run in with some people.”

Horseface reference #6

“You can’t please everybody.  You can’t mend fences with people who don’t want them mended.  I’m a person who let my own anger and sense of revenge drive me for so long that I can’t get mad at other people who need to hang on to their anger and their displeasure with me.”

I’ll include this as part of the same Horseface reference.  But Jesus fucking Christ.  Who the fuck would want to talk to this obsessive weirdo?  And the person he’s obsessed with is among the worst women on earth.  

I don’t know who’s more objectionable: Newt or Crystal Quin.  They’re both total scumbags.  

He keeps talking about how he’s moving on…but what the fuck?  We’re up to 6 Horseface references and we’re only 16 minutes into the video.  He must have said that he’s moving on from Horseface a million times in the past six months.  It doesn’t suggest moving on.  It suggests scary levels of obsession.  It suggests deep psychological problems.  

And it’s fucking Horseface.  Jesus Christ.  What is the appeal?  He keeps making out like she’s some hot chick.  She’s called Horseface for a reason.  

But even if she was some hot chick, who gives a shit?  Who can possibly be this shallow?  Just find somebody else.  

And Horseface has an extremely off-putting personality.  How could anybody possibly want to be around that?  

He’s going to go to prison over this shit.  Over Horseface.  He’s going to do something scary and he’s going to go to prison over this.  These videos are going to be shown on the news some day.  People are going to cite my blog as giving full warning of this.  “Why did nobody listen to that guy who runs that weird pink blog”, they’ll say.

16:00 – Newt went to the Hard Rock Cafe and drank Old Fashioneds.

So now he’s plagiarising James Rolfe’s DRINKS?  James Rolfe, in one of those delightful podcast episodes, cited his favourite drink as an “Old Fashioned”.  Newt knows this.  It’s a very unusual choice.  Newt is stealing James Rolfe’s alcoholic beverages now.

What’s next?  I think that Newt should just straight up start making angry reviews about video games.  Why not?  It would actually be a good idea.  There would be an irony to it.  It would be funny.  

Just completely rip off the Angry Video Game Nerd.  Wear the same kind of shirt, put glasses on, have title cards, and make videos in the same exact format.  Be the Peeved Video Game Dork.  

16:15 – Now Newt is talking about all of the famous people he knows.  Brian, for example.  Everyone in New York and New Jersey and Las Vegas knows Brian, according to Newt.  I’ll have to take your word for it.  And some guy from Papa Roach is also Newt’s BFF and wants Newt to succeed in all of his creative endeavours..  Allegedly.

17:00 – “I was meeting with my old production partner to fly to Tuscon.”

Horseface reference #7

19:45 – He’s talking about his shitty movie project Midnight Show.  “We shot everything a year ago but then, to avoid headaches with some people, I had to take content out of it.”

Horseface reference #8

20:30 – “We’re going to launch the new review show and I can’t wait to tell you guys what that’s called.”

Let me guess.  Rental Assessments.  Chatting About VHS.  Dissect the Films.

There’s also apparently a plot to these reviews.  I can’t wait for that.  We all love bad acting and bad writing in our review shows.

21:00 – Newt says that there’s going to be a video game next year.  Of what?  Shark Vampire?  

 22:15 – Newt admits to spamming his videos on Facebook to try to increase views.

22:45 – “I have a huge tax bill to pay in two days.”

Based on what?  Where is he getting any income?  There’s the movie theatre and I suppose that he was working at Screenwave during this tax year.  But everything else is a massive net loss.  You don’t have to pay tax on unreleased movies or comics that didn’t sell.  If anything, those are tax breaks.  Newt really needs to speak to an accountant.  Maybe the accountant can talk some sense into him.  “These projects are all terrible.  Knock it off.  Spend your money more wisely than this.”

23:45 – “I’m going to go to therapy Wednesday, before this, and I’m going to have a lot of cool shit to tell my therapist.”

Whoever this woman is, some professional body needs to do an investigation on her.  Is she even qualified?  Is this an actual psychiatrist or psychologist or is this just one of those “therapists” who advertise on Craigslist or whatever?  

24:00 – “My cat clearly missed me so I was hanging out with her and giving her kisses and hugs and all of that shit because I’m like that.  I love my cat.  She doesn’t always love me but she loves me when I’m gone for a while.  If only I could make that work with other women in my life.”

Horseface reference #9

25:15 – “I’m so used to things being taken away that are good and seem positive and give myself hope and when I give myself hope, I get let down.”

Possibly a Horseface reference but I’ll classify this one as getting fired from Screenwave.  He just can’t accept any responsibility for getting fired.  Somebody did something bad to him.  Why did they do this bad thing?  Newt doesn’t seem to know.  Just one day, he walked into work and he was fired.  “What the hell is this?  What did I do?”

He doesn’t understand.  He can’t seem to understand why plagiarism is frowned upon.  Everything that he’s done subsequently has been stolen ideas.  He’s probably been doing this his entire life.  That’s why he doesn’t get it.  Nobody ever explained to him what plagiarism is and why it’s not good.  He just can’t seem to figure it out.  That’s why he thinks that he’s the victim in all of this.

26:00 – “I’ve got to try to not let the little shit break me down and stress over the only thing that did go wrong at the convention because everything else went right.  I’m hoping that people notice that and want to come play and get involved and get excited because I’m excited.”

Horseface reference #10

That’s the video.

I DID IT!  I was dead on.  TEN Horseface references.  One every three minutes.  Slightly more than that, actually.  

The comments are all ass-licking trash from men in dresses.

But yeah, this is really fucked up.  I get Elliot Rodger vibes from this shit.  Newt needs to get his shit together right now before something happens.  Maybe there needs to be an intervention of some sort.  Get professionals involved, I don’t know.  This is not remotely normal or healthy.  This is verging on criminal.  Horseface is not fucking interested.  Leave her alone.

This isn’t even how relationships, work, of course.  You can’t badger somebody into spending time with you.  This is not going to fucking work, like so many other of Newt’s idiotic ideas.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qrVDLSPzTM

Ahhh a little Newt Wallen action.  After Newt Week, I was looking forward to talking about the classic Gamer Grrl topics like Erin Plays but then…I actually had to try to watch an Erin Plays video.  I can’t do it.  

I’m thinking about making the blog all Newt Wallen.  He’s a treasure trove of material.  What terrible project is he working on next?  And maybe we’ll get to see PVC Bondage Girl again.

I have to say that WTF Wednesdays are my least favourite Newt Wallen videos.  It’s always some fucking tits and gore movie that nobody gives a shit about, especially me.  But maybe he’s going to say some interesting, off-topic stuff.

0:15 – “I sleep like shit any more, even though I take medication to help me sleep.”

Yeah.  We know.  You mention this constantly.  He’s seeing a psychiatrist because…why?  

I mean, let’s analyse this for a second.  He got fired from Screenwave for plagiarism.  Well, okay.  It’s embarrassing that this happened publicly and some nerds on Reddit gave you shit about it but…I mean…all that happened is that he got fired for plagiarism.  Who cares?  Why is this so crushing for him?  

The job paid $25,000/year or whatever.  And he didn’t seem to like it.  And he was rightly fired.  

It’s not like he was embezzling money or sexually harassing Kieran.  He plagiarised some stupid three minute videos for an autistic man.

He obviously had no difficulty finding another job, even with them knowing that he did this.  The theatre obviously knows that he did this because he can’t shut up about it.  But even if a prospective employer Googled him and found out about this plagiarism…they’re not going to care.  

But this was extremely traumatic for him.  Horseface doesn’t talk to him anymore.  It’s too much for him.

I know that he also has health issues and such but getting fired and Horseface not talking to him are trivial events.  I would recommend that he stops making videos.  Is any of this helping him?  Your self-worth shouldn’t be determined by how many people are watching your kitchen movie review videos.  

2:00 – God, this is painful.  Newt was watching some “documentary” about three “white guys” who made porn (or, as he calls it, “fetish stuff”, about women getting suffocated) and he really admires these men.  They were making this trash in the 1980s.  

2:30 – “They’re these dudes who go, ‘Well, I get to spend the rest of my life with young, sexy, titty flesh.”  Mel, who’s holding the camera, can barely contain her revulsion.  She represents the viewer.

Newt, get a fucking girlfriend.  This is pathetic in the extreme.  

3:00 – Newt is talking about how Ed Wood, a hero of his, was a transvestite and…Newt really admires this.  Is Newt coming out of the closet here?  It would explain his extreme attraction to the rather masculine-looking Crystal Quin.

Then there’s a suggestion that Mel is transgender.  Let’s just move on.  I don’t give a fuck.

5:00 – Newt is talking about his suicide attempt in 2013 but he didn’t do it because some local theatre was showing Ed Wood and he wanted to go to see it.  So he saw it and…I don’t know…one thing lead to another and he started talking to his “muse”.  Fucking Horseface.  

God…change the fucking record, Newt.  This is boring as shit now.

“I had this creative explosion” from talking to Horseface.

This is so fucking stupid.  

“We just created all of this shit.”

I couldn’t have put it better myself.  Newt has made some real shit.  

6:30 – Oh what.  Is this Metz who is operating the camera.  I hope that it wasn’t Metz aka PVC Bondage Girl who said that she’s transgender.

Oh, I think that they’re both there.  PVC Bondage Girl and Mel.  

7:45 – “A naked girl is being eaten by another girl but she’s shrunk down by a mini Super Soaker that’s clearly painted silver.  But there’s tonnes of boobs in it and pubic hair and all that stuff.”

I can’t imagine why Newt can’t get a girlfriend.

What I find baffling is why PVC Bondage Girl and Mel entertain this AT ALL.  He’s constantly talking about his fondness for tits and gore.  It’s disgusting.  I’m a man and I don’t want to hear this.  

And this is their boss.  He talks like this to “his” employees.  It’s wholly inappropriate.  

I’d like to have a discussion with PVC Bondage Girl to see how she really feels about this.  PVC Bondage Girl, leave a message, maybe link it to your Instagram where you have pictures of your pierced nipples, and we can discuss this.  No creepy shit like this fucking scumbag Newt.  I’d just like to discuss this bizarre work situation and perhaps discuss any possibilities of getting Newt removed from his job.  Because he should not be doing this.  Any of this.  He shouldn’t be talking about his suicide attempts or Horseface or how much he jerks off to women being suffocated.  It’s totally inappropriate and he’s their fucking boss.  They have to pretend to like this shit.

8:00 – “I’ve never cammed so I can’t tell you.  You both have more experience than me.”

So now Newt is telling the world that PVC Bondage Girl and Mel, two employees of his, that they are or were pornographic cam girls.  None of this is even remotely appropriate.  All either of these women would have to do is take this video to any employment lawyer and they would be in for a big pay day.  

Then Mel says, “I’ve never done boar content.”  Your guess is as good as mine as to what that means.  Bestiality?  Is this a Pam aka CannotBeTamed thing now?

9:30 – “If I could be that guy for the rest of my life, just work with my friends and make the kind of stuff that I think is cool, I would be the happiest fucking person in the world.  You’re not making someone else’s art, you’re not writing scripts for somebody who gets paid way more money than you and is too lazy to do their own work, or doing the research for somebody for another show that’s more popular and you’re not getting any of that ad money.”

He makes the same comments over and over again.  Yes, James Rolfe is lazy and should be writing his own stuff.  And yes, you should have got paid for Talking About Tapes aka Hack the Movies.

But the time to complain has passed.  Somebody tells me to write scripts for James Rolfe, I’m saying, “No, I’m not doing that.”  Somebody tells me to appear on a podcast with Tony from Hack the Movies for no money, I say, “No, I’m not doing that.”

I’ve done it.  The proof is in the pudding.  Tony asked me to appear on his Godzilla podcast for no money and I told him to go fuck himself.  

Here’s what I didn’t do: go on the podcast and then complain afterward that he didn’t pay me.  

I wrote some articles for a blog many years ago.  I got £25 for each article.  It’s not a whole lot of money but I didn’t do a half-assed job.  I didn’t just plagiarise the articles.  Even though I was underpaid, I still did my best.

If you don’t want to do something, you say that you’re not doing it.  And if they make it a condition of continuing your employment there, you tell them to go shove this piece of shit job up their rectum.  

Newt doesn’t know this.  Newt blames everyone else for his decisions.  After the fact.  

“Oh, I was just too much of a hard worker to say ‘no’ to anything.”  Then you’re an idiot.  

I had a job and there was a particular task that we were supposed to do semi-regularly and we would get paid for this work.  Sorry for being so vague.  So I did this task and they said, “No, this was no good.  We’re not going to pay you for this.”  So I said, “Okay.”  

That was the last time that I did that task.  And they would get annoyed.  “Why aren’t you doing this work?”  “Well, you didn’t pay me that one time.  Remember?  So I’m not doing it again.  Somebody else can do it.”

It’s important to stick up yourself at your job.  Just like PVC Bondage Girl and Mel and everybody else who works for creepy old Newt should do.  They should march mob-handed to the owner of that cinema and say, “We’re not working with Newt anymore.  He’s a total creep.  Get rid of him or we’re all leaving.”

13:00 – “I don’t think I’m a good writer.”

Nor do I.  Nor does anyone.  So…why do any of this?

 13:30 – Now he’s talking about his therapist.  I’m even pitying Newt’s therapist at this point.  She has to listen to this shit.  

14:00 – “You’re 40 years old.  Give up.  You didn’t make it.  You’re never going to make it.”

I think that he’s attributing this quote to Horseface.

So Newt continues, “Stan Lee didn’t create Spider-Man until he was 40 years old.”

Yeah but…didn’t he have 20 years of comic book experience by then?  Let me look this up.

Yeah, he got into the comic book industry when he was 19.  He was doing stuff for those 20 years leading up to Spider-Man.  He was writing.  He was creating new characters.  He didn’t just wake up at 40 and say, “I’m going to make a popular comic book character today.”

Newt has done nothing.  Fucking shitty Youtube videos.  This qualifies him to make films?  

And he openly admits that his movie ideas are all bad.  So why do it?  It’s stupid.  Get a girlfriend and then you won’t have to pay to see some breasts.

14:30 – PVC Bondage Girl says, “I love seeing you get excited like this.  I love seeing you light up like this.”

Ummmm….ew.  Let’s just move past that unpleasantness.  I don’t want my opinion of PVC Bondage Girl to plummet.  I’ll just pretend that she didn’t say that.

15:45 – “I have 56 fucking screenplays that I’ve written over the years.”

How many of those are good?  My guess: zero.  They’re all tits and gore trash.

16:30 – “I’ve had terrible writer’s block since October because I’ve lost my muse.”

Ew.  This is all gross.  

First of all, in case I’ve been ambiguous at all, NEWT WALLEN CAN NOT WRITE.  He has NEVER written ANYTHING that’s worth reading.  Not a single word.  

But here he is.  “Oh, my muse.  Horseface.  Everything I write, it’s for Horseface.”  Is this how writing works?  Maybe I’ve been doing it wrong this whole time?  I don’t have a muse.  

Maybe Erin is my muse.  But I was writing before Erin and I’ll write after Erin.  She’s totally irrelevant to my literary output.  I don’t think, “Boy, I’d really like to see Erin in a bikini so I’m going to write this script about a sexy zombie ninja.”

He’s just so fucking pathetic.  He needs to stop this right now.  And all of these weird “supporters” need to stop with this.  They are not helping.  They’re just feeding his delusions.  They must know that Shark Vampire and Florida Man and whatever else is pure, 100%, unrefined dog shit.  How can you not?  Who could possibly think that these are good ideas?  Every fucking idea that he has is exactly the same.  “Tits and gore”.  Is this what you want to watch?  And it’s done on no budget and the guy can not fucking write AT ALL.  His ideas are stupid, they’re stolen, and it’s the sort of brainless bullshit that a third grader would come up with.  

We can all see that, right?  So why is PVC Bondage Girl encouraging this?  I don’t care how drug-addled somebody is, surely they can recognise that Newt Wallen can not fucking write.  SHARK VAMPIRE.  

17:00 – Somebody, Mel, I think, says, “I’m only here for the gangbang.”  I’m just going to assume that it was Mel.  I don’t want to think that it was PVC Bondage Girl.

17:30 – “I have this feeling in my stomach for the first time since the cheque was written for Sharkula for the first time.”

Oh, a vague shout out to Shark Vampire.  Everybody loves Shark Vampire.  It’s Newt’s greatest creative achievement.

Then he starts talking about all of the people around him who support him and how he has low self-esteem and how much he misses Horseface and boo hoo.  Let’s all feel sorry for Newt Wallen.

18:00 – “They actually want me to succeed.”

Quite the contrary.  These people are setting you up for failure.  Anyone with a brain knows that Shark Vampire and Florida Man and all of your other idiotic tits and gore ideas will never be a success.  

18:15 – “Maybe all of that bad shit that happened in the fall, had to happen so that I could come back.”

You mean when you plagiarised scripts for Monster Madness?  Is that the bad thing that you’re talking about?  Can you take any responsibility whatsoever for this?

18:45 – “If you get a chance to check out Mail Order Murder, check it out.  It’s got plenty of boobs in it.”

You know where else I can find plenty of boobs?  Pornhub.  What is this shit?  Does he not know about Pornhub?  Why is he so obsessed with this softcore bullshit?  

This is the stuff that people Newt’s age jerked off to when they were 12 years old, the internet didn’t exist, and they had no access to pornography.   Why is he still using this?  

You can also find breasts on most women.  Maybe ask a woman to go get a coffee with you.  If you play your cards right, and shut the fuck up about your disgusting obsession with tits and gore, you might get to see her breasts.  Don’t even have to pay.  It’s free.  Women who like you will show you their boobs for free.  Crazy, right?  It’s called being in a relationship.  Try it out.

That’s the video.  Let’s see what the sycophants had to say.  “WE LOVE YOU, NEWT!  CAN’T WAIT FOR SHARK VAMPIRE!”

– “You haven’t “shot your shot” until you’ve drawn your last breath.Keep writing!Keep imagining!Keep thinking of ideas,and if anything gets in the way,remember that it’s only a bump in the road,a problem to be solved and if people didn’t stand up to their problems and find a way to solve them,literally nothing would get done,and what kind of world would we live in then?I’m looking forward to Planet Frankenstein,and I hope I somehow manage to fulfill my wish that I mentioned a while ago about collaborating with you in some capacity.So long for now,and keep that head held high and if anyone says you can’t do something,you have an obligation to show them that you can!”

Yeah.  Exactly.

– “Love your stories. As a therapist I love hearing someone progressing and getting better.”

Newt replies, “I wish like hell I started years ago. 40 years of abuse and trauma anger insecurity. Working through it. Just wish I didnt loose my best friend and love or my life in process”

“Loose” indeed, Mr Ingmar Bergman.

If I was Horseface, I would be creeped the fuck out.  I would be saving all of these messages and videos to build a case for a restraining order.

– “This is the inspiration I needed to get off my ass and do something with my life. Thanks Newt”

Really.  

– “Speaking of breasts and pubic hair… Why isn’t there a health spa called “BEWBS n’ PUBES” ?”

Because nobody would go, you fucking faggot.  What do you think?  You think that women like to be marketed to like this?  This is why you don’t have a girlfriend.

– “Newt, you’re the reason why I started writing again (The stuff I really want to write about) … your story (stories) and this youtube channel are inspiring. Thanks!”

That was from Jamie Evans.  He wrote something called Daemonika: a novel of horror.  Incorrect capitalisation.  Must have been a creative decision.

Well, this was released last month so this guy must have been inspired by Newt for some time now.  

Here’s the link, by the way.

https://www.amazon.com/Daemonika-novel-horror-Jamie-Evans-ebook/dp/B09RQ9T1MT

Don’t all buy it at once.  

It’s about zombies from hell coming to earth and causing a ruckus.  

Here’s his website if you want more of the same:

https://www.jamieevansbooks.com/novels

It’s the same old bullshit over and over again.  Zombies, ghosts, whatever.  All poorly written.  All unimaginative.  

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-odXd-xMdM

Newt is livestreaming from this nerd convention.  I managed to catch it live.  I’m a proud subscriber.  I’m not subscribed to anyone else who I write about but I am to Newt.

1:30 – Newt reveals that he didn’t sleep last night.  Again.

1:45 – Newt shows the comic.  It’s in black and white.  It’s about 24 pages.  And it’s TEN DOLLARS, plus “shipping and handling.”

What exactly is the handling fee?  Newt is actually going to charge for him physically putting the comic in an envelope, going to the post office, and mailing these?  Is there any room for negotiation?  I’d like the handling fee waived.  This is ridiculous.  Especially since the comic itself is TEN DOLLARS.

From a quick perusal, the retail price of a comic book is about $3 to $5 now.  That’s for a comic made by professional writers and artists.

Let me check out how much Mike Baron’s Florida Man comic is.

$10 for a digital version, $25 for a print version.  That’s steep alright.  But that’s for a 64 page comic.  In glorious full colour.  On hardy paper stock.  And only 56 people were interested at that price.  The other 44 just went for the digital comic.

Handling charge.  What a joke.  I haven’t heard that in 20 years.  Do people still use this term in the US?  You’d hear it in like commercials for Chia Pet or whatever.  “Only $9.99 plus shipping and handling.  Call today.”

On Ebay or Amazon or whatever, they just talk about shipping charges.  There’s no handling charge.  What the fuck.  The handling is part of the cost of doing business.  But Newt wants to pass this on to the customer.

2:30 – “We are going to be remaking Plan 9 From Outer Space with an all-puppet cast.”

You can’t make this up.  Well, Newt certainly can’t.  

Let me check the copyright status of this.  

I don’t know.  Somebody seems to be making a claim on it but the consensus seems to be that it’s in the public domain.  At least since about 2005.

But why doesn’t he come up with a fucking original idea?  Just once?  Try it out.  You might like it.  

No, I’m just going to entirely plagiarise Plan 9 From Outer Space.  Verbatim  

This would be difficult to do WITHOUT puppets.  I don’t think that the puppets make things any easier.  I think that they make things significantly more difficult.  

It reminds me of the ridiculous idea I had for a grade school music class where, for a class assignment, I wanted to do a music video using GI Joes because I was too embarrassed to appear on camera.  It never got off the ground because it was too fucking complicated. 

4:15 – “I didn’t want to get out of bed back in October.”

Why not, Newt?  You plagiarised some shit.  Do you want to accept responsibility for that?  Nobody told you to do it.  That was your idea.

5:00 – “My mom came and bought two copies of the comic book.”

How weird is this?  “Here you go, mom.  Enjoy my pornographic comic book.”

6:00 – Then he starts trying to sell shit to some nerd on there.  The nerd isn’t buying.

7:45 – “The last convention I was at was Too Many Games.  It was the worst weekend of my entire life.”

Oh.  Again because of the plagiarism that YOU did.  Why does he always try to come off as a victim?  He did the fucking plagiarism.  Nobody else.

That’s the video.  He teased another livestream but all he did was upload a short video with his mother.  As here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WV0aTX4afI

It’s a bit awkward to see a man selling a pornographic comic to his mother.  And his mother says that she’s proud of him (when prompted by the very needy Newt) and that he’s a creative guy.

It’s a difficult situation.  I don’t think that she’s able to proffer any advice.  Because what has she accomplished with her life?  So what advice can she give?  Just stay the course.  Whatever.  Figure it out yourself.  

It’s not necessarily a lack of caring.  She just doesn’t know.  If she knew how to get a good job, she would have done it herself.  And she has no clue how the job market works now or for the past 20 years.  

I had completely useless parents myself.  I never got a single piece of advice from them, ever, about anything.  Part of it was not caring.  There’s no question about that.  But part of it was that they just didn’t know anything.  

How could my mother help me with homework when she’s so woefully uneducated?  How could she help me with finding employment when she hadn’t worked since she was in her mid 20s?  You don’t pick up this knowledge from watching daytime talk shows for 10 hours a day.  The Club Kids on Geraldo aren’t going to tell you about the importance of SAT prep courses.

I get this vibe from Newt’s mother.  Even if she cares, what can she possibly say?  What advice can she give to Newt for him to get his life together?  If she knew that, she’d get her own life together.  

So she’s looking at these tits and gore projects that Newt is working on and she thinks, “Well, this is what the young people are doing these days, I guess.  Keep up the good work, son.”  She doesn’t have any better answer.    

There’s such a huge advantage in having competent, engaged parents.  But what can you do?  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aw2UPcthozU

Here’s day 3 of the convention.  I thought that it was just a one day thing but no.  How silly of me.

0:00 – What the hell is this?  Mel is in a studded PVC corset and face mask.  She’s also in some Freddy Kruger outfit.   

PVC Bondage Girl made this work.  What I see here is just a pitiful cry for attention.  

0:45 – Fucking shit.  Newt says that he didn’t sleep.  Again.  How many days has he been awake?  

He says that he sold 50 comics.  That’s more than I would have expected.  Especially at $10 each.

1:30 – “My mom came and bought a comic.  Told me she was proud of me.”

This is sad.  Why does he even need the validation?  

3:30 – Mel keeps twitching like she’s on heroin or something.

5:30 – Newt says that he’s not as big as the other company (SCREENWAVE) but he wants to keep building Schlock and Awe.

That’s another thing.  The name is bad.  I don’t want to be needlessly negative but it’s no good.  Why the Yiddish?  Does he know that this is Yiddish?  Is Newt Jewish?

5:45 – Newt has a “What Would Florida Man Do?” t-shirt.  It’s for sale.  He’s selling Florida Man t-shirts.  

Who the fuck is going to buy this?  It’s ridiculous.  Why does he insist on throwing his money away like this?

8:15 – Mel sure is itchy.

9:00 – “I know all of the hottest chicks and for some reason they hang out with my stupid ass.”

Because you pay them, Newt.  Or you’re they’re boss.  There’s always a transaction of some sort with Newt and the ladies.  It’s sad.  He should hit up Madam Fomo.  This is what he’s into.

10:00 – Newt is admitting to some off-screen potential customer that Florida Man is a well-known character and he’s just ripping it off.

11:15 – Unbelievable.  Now he’s telling this random potential customer about Horseface.  And he describes her as, “Some people who don’t associate with me any more.”

What a salesman.  Whoever he’s talking to is making a mental note of where the exits are right now.  

13:00 – Somebody says, “The modern day Russ Meyer, just surrounded by beautiful women” and Newt gets sexually excited by this.  He pays women to hang out with him.  It’s beyond pathetic.

13:30 – Newt gives his height and says that he’s very short.  It’s one of his obsessions.

That’s the merciful end of that video.

https://twitter.com/stillnewtwallen/status/1512548798660333571

Here’s a tweet about this puppet project.  The nerd in the picture was tasked by Newt to make these puppets within a month.  Hopefully, that guy got paid accordingly.  

Top comment is, “Looks amazing!! Did the one with james even come out?”.  

Newt replies, “No idea.”

That’s right.  Wasn’t James Rolfe involved in some Plan 9 remake?  This is probably where fucking Newt got the idea.  It just gets worse and worse.  NEW IDEAS.  COME UP WITH A NEW IDEA.

Oh my god.  It gets worse.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plan_9_(2015_film)

That’s the 2015 remake that this guy was talking about.  It stars everyone’s favourite actor and close personal friend of Newt Wallen: Mr Lobo AND James Rolfe.

THIS HAS BEEN DONE ALREADY, NEWT!  YOU FUCKING KNOW THIS!  YOUR BFF MR LOBO WAS IN IT!

And he has the nerve to say, “No idea” when asked about it.  Well, there it is, Newt.  Now that you know about it, are you still going to do it?  

He does not have a single original idea in his head.  It’s like he’s incapable of coming up with anything original.  He’s somehow predisposed to plagiarise.  Like people who have kleptomania or whatever.  

Why not just remake a different movie?  I mean, if you’re going to rip shit off, there are other things to rip off.  There are plenty of movies in the public domain that might make an interesting puppet remake.  There are plenty of public domain movies that nobody knows about.  You could bring them back.  Do an interesting remake.  

No, I’m just going to do the same fucking thing that my former boss (of sorts) James Rolfe and my friend Mr Lobo did just a few years ago.  I’m Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen, after all.

Here’s a picture of PVC Bondage Girl, Mel, Newt, and some fat guy:

https://twitter.com/stillnewtwallen/status/1513323044684632071

PVC Bondage Girl might want to go a little easier on the makeup next time.  Let her natural beauty shine through.

Do you suppose the fat guy is one of these women’s boyfriends?  Oh man.  Don’t ruin it for me.  Hopefully it’s not PVC Bondage Girl’s boyfriend.

Newt leaves a bizarre message: “Was awesome. I saw some one that took wind out of me sat. Reminded me of a huge missing piece. But we are moving forward an those pieces are gonna miss out”

It’s largely indecipherable but I think it’s a reference to Horseface.  And as a reminder, Newt considers himself to be a writer.  Look at that message.  

It seems that Horseface was also at this nerd convention.

https://twitter.com/rossoporco_/status/1512921724475830272

And Justin.  Did they just avoid Newt?  That must have been awkward.  Also awkward for every single person there to have to look at a horseface woman wearing half a top.  PUT SOME CLOTHES ON.  NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THIS.

Well, I suppose that Newt does.  But nobody else.