WTF Wednesday Review : Mail Order Murder. the story of W.A.V.E Productions – Newt Wallen

Ahhh a little Newt Wallen action.  After Newt Week, I was looking forward to talking about the classic Gamer Grrl topics like Erin Plays but then…I actually had to try to watch an Erin Plays video.  I can’t do it.  

I’m thinking about making the blog all Newt Wallen.  He’s a treasure trove of material.  What terrible project is he working on next?  And maybe we’ll get to see PVC Bondage Girl again.

I have to say that WTF Wednesdays are my least favourite Newt Wallen videos.  It’s always some fucking tits and gore movie that nobody gives a shit about, especially me.  But maybe he’s going to say some interesting, off-topic stuff.

0:15 – “I sleep like shit any more, even though I take medication to help me sleep.”

Yeah.  We know.  You mention this constantly.  He’s seeing a psychiatrist because…why?  

I mean, let’s analyse this for a second.  He got fired from Screenwave for plagiarism.  Well, okay.  It’s embarrassing that this happened publicly and some nerds on Reddit gave you shit about it but…I mean…all that happened is that he got fired for plagiarism.  Who cares?  Why is this so crushing for him?  

The job paid $25,000/year or whatever.  And he didn’t seem to like it.  And he was rightly fired.  

It’s not like he was embezzling money or sexually harassing Kieran.  He plagiarised some stupid three minute videos for an autistic man.

He obviously had no difficulty finding another job, even with them knowing that he did this.  The theatre obviously knows that he did this because he can’t shut up about it.  But even if a prospective employer Googled him and found out about this plagiarism…they’re not going to care.  

But this was extremely traumatic for him.  Horseface doesn’t talk to him anymore.  It’s too much for him.

I know that he also has health issues and such but getting fired and Horseface not talking to him are trivial events.  I would recommend that he stops making videos.  Is any of this helping him?  Your self-worth shouldn’t be determined by how many people are watching your kitchen movie review videos.  

2:00 – God, this is painful.  Newt was watching some “documentary” about three “white guys” who made porn (or, as he calls it, “fetish stuff”, about women getting suffocated) and he really admires these men.  They were making this trash in the 1980s.  

2:30 – “They’re these dudes who go, ‘Well, I get to spend the rest of my life with young, sexy, titty flesh.”  Mel, who’s holding the camera, can barely contain her revulsion.  She represents the viewer.

Newt, get a fucking girlfriend.  This is pathetic in the extreme.  

3:00 – Newt is talking about how Ed Wood, a hero of his, was a transvestite and…Newt really admires this.  Is Newt coming out of the closet here?  It would explain his extreme attraction to the rather masculine-looking Crystal Quin.

Then there’s a suggestion that Mel is transgender.  Let’s just move on.  I don’t give a fuck.

5:00 – Newt is talking about his suicide attempt in 2013 but he didn’t do it because some local theatre was showing Ed Wood and he wanted to go to see it.  So he saw it and…I don’t know…one thing lead to another and he started talking to his “muse”.  Fucking Horseface.  

God…change the fucking record, Newt.  This is boring as shit now.

“I had this creative explosion” from talking to Horseface.

This is so fucking stupid.  

“We just created all of this shit.”

I couldn’t have put it better myself.  Newt has made some real shit.  

6:30 – Oh what.  Is this Metz who is operating the camera.  I hope that it wasn’t Metz aka PVC Bondage Girl who said that she’s transgender.

Oh, I think that they’re both there.  PVC Bondage Girl and Mel.  

7:45 – “A naked girl is being eaten by another girl but she’s shrunk down by a mini Super Soaker that’s clearly painted silver.  But there’s tonnes of boobs in it and pubic hair and all that stuff.”

I can’t imagine why Newt can’t get a girlfriend.

What I find baffling is why PVC Bondage Girl and Mel entertain this AT ALL.  He’s constantly talking about his fondness for tits and gore.  It’s disgusting.  I’m a man and I don’t want to hear this.  

And this is their boss.  He talks like this to “his” employees.  It’s wholly inappropriate.  

I’d like to have a discussion with PVC Bondage Girl to see how she really feels about this.  PVC Bondage Girl, leave a message, maybe link it to your Instagram where you have pictures of your pierced nipples, and we can discuss this.  No creepy shit like this fucking scumbag Newt.  I’d just like to discuss this bizarre work situation and perhaps discuss any possibilities of getting Newt removed from his job.  Because he should not be doing this.  Any of this.  He shouldn’t be talking about his suicide attempts or Horseface or how much he jerks off to women being suffocated.  It’s totally inappropriate and he’s their fucking boss.  They have to pretend to like this shit.

8:00 – “I’ve never cammed so I can’t tell you.  You both have more experience than me.”

So now Newt is telling the world that PVC Bondage Girl and Mel, two employees of his, that they are or were pornographic cam girls.  None of this is even remotely appropriate.  All either of these women would have to do is take this video to any employment lawyer and they would be in for a big pay day.  

Then Mel says, “I’ve never done boar content.”  Your guess is as good as mine as to what that means.  Bestiality?  Is this a Pam aka CannotBeTamed thing now?

9:30 – “If I could be that guy for the rest of my life, just work with my friends and make the kind of stuff that I think is cool, I would be the happiest fucking person in the world.  You’re not making someone else’s art, you’re not writing scripts for somebody who gets paid way more money than you and is too lazy to do their own work, or doing the research for somebody for another show that’s more popular and you’re not getting any of that ad money.”

He makes the same comments over and over again.  Yes, James Rolfe is lazy and should be writing his own stuff.  And yes, you should have got paid for Talking About Tapes aka Hack the Movies.

But the time to complain has passed.  Somebody tells me to write scripts for James Rolfe, I’m saying, “No, I’m not doing that.”  Somebody tells me to appear on a podcast with Tony from Hack the Movies for no money, I say, “No, I’m not doing that.”

I’ve done it.  The proof is in the pudding.  Tony asked me to appear on his Godzilla podcast for no money and I told him to go fuck himself.  

Here’s what I didn’t do: go on the podcast and then complain afterward that he didn’t pay me.  

I wrote some articles for a blog many years ago.  I got £25 for each article.  It’s not a whole lot of money but I didn’t do a half-assed job.  I didn’t just plagiarise the articles.  Even though I was underpaid, I still did my best.

If you don’t want to do something, you say that you’re not doing it.  And if they make it a condition of continuing your employment there, you tell them to go shove this piece of shit job up their rectum.  

Newt doesn’t know this.  Newt blames everyone else for his decisions.  After the fact.  

“Oh, I was just too much of a hard worker to say ‘no’ to anything.”  Then you’re an idiot.  

I had a job and there was a particular task that we were supposed to do semi-regularly and we would get paid for this work.  Sorry for being so vague.  So I did this task and they said, “No, this was no good.  We’re not going to pay you for this.”  So I said, “Okay.”  

That was the last time that I did that task.  And they would get annoyed.  “Why aren’t you doing this work?”  “Well, you didn’t pay me that one time.  Remember?  So I’m not doing it again.  Somebody else can do it.”

It’s important to stick up yourself at your job.  Just like PVC Bondage Girl and Mel and everybody else who works for creepy old Newt should do.  They should march mob-handed to the owner of that cinema and say, “We’re not working with Newt anymore.  He’s a total creep.  Get rid of him or we’re all leaving.”

13:00 – “I don’t think I’m a good writer.”

Nor do I.  Nor does anyone.  So…why do any of this?

 13:30 – Now he’s talking about his therapist.  I’m even pitying Newt’s therapist at this point.  She has to listen to this shit.  

14:00 – “You’re 40 years old.  Give up.  You didn’t make it.  You’re never going to make it.”

I think that he’s attributing this quote to Horseface.

So Newt continues, “Stan Lee didn’t create Spider-Man until he was 40 years old.”

Yeah but…didn’t he have 20 years of comic book experience by then?  Let me look this up.

Yeah, he got into the comic book industry when he was 19.  He was doing stuff for those 20 years leading up to Spider-Man.  He was writing.  He was creating new characters.  He didn’t just wake up at 40 and say, “I’m going to make a popular comic book character today.”

Newt has done nothing.  Fucking shitty Youtube videos.  This qualifies him to make films?  

And he openly admits that his movie ideas are all bad.  So why do it?  It’s stupid.  Get a girlfriend and then you won’t have to pay to see some breasts.

14:30 – PVC Bondage Girl says, “I love seeing you get excited like this.  I love seeing you light up like this.”

Ummmm….ew.  Let’s just move past that unpleasantness.  I don’t want my opinion of PVC Bondage Girl to plummet.  I’ll just pretend that she didn’t say that.

15:45 – “I have 56 fucking screenplays that I’ve written over the years.”

How many of those are good?  My guess: zero.  They’re all tits and gore trash.

16:30 – “I’ve had terrible writer’s block since October because I’ve lost my muse.”

Ew.  This is all gross.  

First of all, in case I’ve been ambiguous at all, NEWT WALLEN CAN NOT WRITE.  He has NEVER written ANYTHING that’s worth reading.  Not a single word.  

But here he is.  “Oh, my muse.  Horseface.  Everything I write, it’s for Horseface.”  Is this how writing works?  Maybe I’ve been doing it wrong this whole time?  I don’t have a muse.  

Maybe Erin is my muse.  But I was writing before Erin and I’ll write after Erin.  She’s totally irrelevant to my literary output.  I don’t think, “Boy, I’d really like to see Erin in a bikini so I’m going to write this script about a sexy zombie ninja.”

He’s just so fucking pathetic.  He needs to stop this right now.  And all of these weird “supporters” need to stop with this.  They are not helping.  They’re just feeding his delusions.  They must know that Shark Vampire and Florida Man and whatever else is pure, 100%, unrefined dog shit.  How can you not?  Who could possibly think that these are good ideas?  Every fucking idea that he has is exactly the same.  “Tits and gore”.  Is this what you want to watch?  And it’s done on no budget and the guy can not fucking write AT ALL.  His ideas are stupid, they’re stolen, and it’s the sort of brainless bullshit that a third grader would come up with.  

We can all see that, right?  So why is PVC Bondage Girl encouraging this?  I don’t care how drug-addled somebody is, surely they can recognise that Newt Wallen can not fucking write.  SHARK VAMPIRE.  

17:00 – Somebody, Mel, I think, says, “I’m only here for the gangbang.”  I’m just going to assume that it was Mel.  I don’t want to think that it was PVC Bondage Girl.

17:30 – “I have this feeling in my stomach for the first time since the cheque was written for Sharkula for the first time.”

Oh, a vague shout out to Shark Vampire.  Everybody loves Shark Vampire.  It’s Newt’s greatest creative achievement.

Then he starts talking about all of the people around him who support him and how he has low self-esteem and how much he misses Horseface and boo hoo.  Let’s all feel sorry for Newt Wallen.

18:00 – “They actually want me to succeed.”

Quite the contrary.  These people are setting you up for failure.  Anyone with a brain knows that Shark Vampire and Florida Man and all of your other idiotic tits and gore ideas will never be a success.  

18:15 – “Maybe all of that bad shit that happened in the fall, had to happen so that I could come back.”

You mean when you plagiarised scripts for Monster Madness?  Is that the bad thing that you’re talking about?  Can you take any responsibility whatsoever for this?

18:45 – “If you get a chance to check out Mail Order Murder, check it out.  It’s got plenty of boobs in it.”

You know where else I can find plenty of boobs?  Pornhub.  What is this shit?  Does he not know about Pornhub?  Why is he so obsessed with this softcore bullshit?  

This is the stuff that people Newt’s age jerked off to when they were 12 years old, the internet didn’t exist, and they had no access to pornography.   Why is he still using this?  

You can also find breasts on most women.  Maybe ask a woman to go get a coffee with you.  If you play your cards right, and shut the fuck up about your disgusting obsession with tits and gore, you might get to see her breasts.  Don’t even have to pay.  It’s free.  Women who like you will show you their boobs for free.  Crazy, right?  It’s called being in a relationship.  Try it out.

That’s the video.  Let’s see what the sycophants had to say.  “WE LOVE YOU, NEWT!  CAN’T WAIT FOR SHARK VAMPIRE!”

– “You haven’t “shot your shot” until you’ve drawn your last breath.Keep writing!Keep imagining!Keep thinking of ideas,and if anything gets in the way,remember that it’s only a bump in the road,a problem to be solved and if people didn’t stand up to their problems and find a way to solve them,literally nothing would get done,and what kind of world would we live in then?I’m looking forward to Planet Frankenstein,and I hope I somehow manage to fulfill my wish that I mentioned a while ago about collaborating with you in some capacity.So long for now,and keep that head held high and if anyone says you can’t do something,you have an obligation to show them that you can!”

Yeah.  Exactly.

– “Love your stories. As a therapist I love hearing someone progressing and getting better.”

Newt replies, “I wish like hell I started years ago. 40 years of abuse and trauma anger insecurity. Working through it. Just wish I didnt loose my best friend and love or my life in process”

“Loose” indeed, Mr Ingmar Bergman.

If I was Horseface, I would be creeped the fuck out.  I would be saving all of these messages and videos to build a case for a restraining order.

– “This is the inspiration I needed to get off my ass and do something with my life. Thanks Newt”


– “Speaking of breasts and pubic hair… Why isn’t there a health spa called “BEWBS n’ PUBES” ?”

Because nobody would go, you fucking faggot.  What do you think?  You think that women like to be marketed to like this?  This is why you don’t have a girlfriend.

– “Newt, you’re the reason why I started writing again (The stuff I really want to write about) … your story (stories) and this youtube channel are inspiring. Thanks!”

That was from Jamie Evans.  He wrote something called Daemonika: a novel of horror.  Incorrect capitalisation.  Must have been a creative decision.

Well, this was released last month so this guy must have been inspired by Newt for some time now.  

Here’s the link, by the way.

Don’t all buy it at once.  

It’s about zombies from hell coming to earth and causing a ruckus.  

Here’s his website if you want more of the same:

It’s the same old bullshit over and over again.  Zombies, ghosts, whatever.  All poorly written.  All unimaginative.  

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