Newt-O-Rama at the New Jersey Nerd-O-Con

Newt is livestreaming from this nerd convention.  I managed to catch it live.  I’m a proud subscriber.  I’m not subscribed to anyone else who I write about but I am to Newt.

1:30 – Newt reveals that he didn’t sleep last night.  Again.

1:45 – Newt shows the comic.  It’s in black and white.  It’s about 24 pages.  And it’s TEN DOLLARS, plus “shipping and handling.”

What exactly is the handling fee?  Newt is actually going to charge for him physically putting the comic in an envelope, going to the post office, and mailing these?  Is there any room for negotiation?  I’d like the handling fee waived.  This is ridiculous.  Especially since the comic itself is TEN DOLLARS.

From a quick perusal, the retail price of a comic book is about $3 to $5 now.  That’s for a comic made by professional writers and artists.

Let me check out how much Mike Baron’s Florida Man comic is.

$10 for a digital version, $25 for a print version.  That’s steep alright.  But that’s for a 64 page comic.  In glorious full colour.  On hardy paper stock.  And only 56 people were interested at that price.  The other 44 just went for the digital comic.

Handling charge.  What a joke.  I haven’t heard that in 20 years.  Do people still use this term in the US?  You’d hear it in like commercials for Chia Pet or whatever.  “Only $9.99 plus shipping and handling.  Call today.”

On Ebay or Amazon or whatever, they just talk about shipping charges.  There’s no handling charge.  What the fuck.  The handling is part of the cost of doing business.  But Newt wants to pass this on to the customer.

2:30 – “We are going to be remaking Plan 9 From Outer Space with an all-puppet cast.”

You can’t make this up.  Well, Newt certainly can’t.  

Let me check the copyright status of this.  

I don’t know.  Somebody seems to be making a claim on it but the consensus seems to be that it’s in the public domain.  At least since about 2005.

But why doesn’t he come up with a fucking original idea?  Just once?  Try it out.  You might like it.  

No, I’m just going to entirely plagiarise Plan 9 From Outer Space.  Verbatim  

This would be difficult to do WITHOUT puppets.  I don’t think that the puppets make things any easier.  I think that they make things significantly more difficult.  

It reminds me of the ridiculous idea I had for a grade school music class where, for a class assignment, I wanted to do a music video using GI Joes because I was too embarrassed to appear on camera.  It never got off the ground because it was too fucking complicated. 

4:15 – “I didn’t want to get out of bed back in October.”

Why not, Newt?  You plagiarised some shit.  Do you want to accept responsibility for that?  Nobody told you to do it.  That was your idea.

5:00 – “My mom came and bought two copies of the comic book.”

How weird is this?  “Here you go, mom.  Enjoy my pornographic comic book.”

6:00 – Then he starts trying to sell shit to some nerd on there.  The nerd isn’t buying.

7:45 – “The last convention I was at was Too Many Games.  It was the worst weekend of my entire life.”

Oh.  Again because of the plagiarism that YOU did.  Why does he always try to come off as a victim?  He did the fucking plagiarism.  Nobody else.

That’s the video.  He teased another livestream but all he did was upload a short video with his mother.  As here:

It’s a bit awkward to see a man selling a pornographic comic to his mother.  And his mother says that she’s proud of him (when prompted by the very needy Newt) and that he’s a creative guy.

It’s a difficult situation.  I don’t think that she’s able to proffer any advice.  Because what has she accomplished with her life?  So what advice can she give?  Just stay the course.  Whatever.  Figure it out yourself.  

It’s not necessarily a lack of caring.  She just doesn’t know.  If she knew how to get a good job, she would have done it herself.  And she has no clue how the job market works now or for the past 20 years.  

I had completely useless parents myself.  I never got a single piece of advice from them, ever, about anything.  Part of it was not caring.  There’s no question about that.  But part of it was that they just didn’t know anything.  

How could my mother help me with homework when she’s so woefully uneducated?  How could she help me with finding employment when she hadn’t worked since she was in her mid 20s?  You don’t pick up this knowledge from watching daytime talk shows for 10 hours a day.  The Club Kids on Geraldo aren’t going to tell you about the importance of SAT prep courses.

I get this vibe from Newt’s mother.  Even if she cares, what can she possibly say?  What advice can she give to Newt for him to get his life together?  If she knew that, she’d get her own life together.  

So she’s looking at these tits and gore projects that Newt is working on and she thinks, “Well, this is what the young people are doing these days, I guess.  Keep up the good work, son.”  She doesn’t have any better answer.    

There’s such a huge advantage in having competent, engaged parents.  But what can you do?

Here’s day 3 of the convention.  I thought that it was just a one day thing but no.  How silly of me.

0:00 – What the hell is this?  Mel is in a studded PVC corset and face mask.  She’s also in some Freddy Kruger outfit.   

PVC Bondage Girl made this work.  What I see here is just a pitiful cry for attention.  

0:45 – Fucking shit.  Newt says that he didn’t sleep.  Again.  How many days has he been awake?  

He says that he sold 50 comics.  That’s more than I would have expected.  Especially at $10 each.

1:30 – “My mom came and bought a comic.  Told me she was proud of me.”

This is sad.  Why does he even need the validation?  

3:30 – Mel keeps twitching like she’s on heroin or something.

5:30 – Newt says that he’s not as big as the other company (SCREENWAVE) but he wants to keep building Schlock and Awe.

That’s another thing.  The name is bad.  I don’t want to be needlessly negative but it’s no good.  Why the Yiddish?  Does he know that this is Yiddish?  Is Newt Jewish?

5:45 – Newt has a “What Would Florida Man Do?” t-shirt.  It’s for sale.  He’s selling Florida Man t-shirts.  

Who the fuck is going to buy this?  It’s ridiculous.  Why does he insist on throwing his money away like this?

8:15 – Mel sure is itchy.

9:00 – “I know all of the hottest chicks and for some reason they hang out with my stupid ass.”

Because you pay them, Newt.  Or you’re they’re boss.  There’s always a transaction of some sort with Newt and the ladies.  It’s sad.  He should hit up Madam Fomo.  This is what he’s into.

10:00 – Newt is admitting to some off-screen potential customer that Florida Man is a well-known character and he’s just ripping it off.

11:15 – Unbelievable.  Now he’s telling this random potential customer about Horseface.  And he describes her as, “Some people who don’t associate with me any more.”

What a salesman.  Whoever he’s talking to is making a mental note of where the exits are right now.  

13:00 – Somebody says, “The modern day Russ Meyer, just surrounded by beautiful women” and Newt gets sexually excited by this.  He pays women to hang out with him.  It’s beyond pathetic.

13:30 – Newt gives his height and says that he’s very short.  It’s one of his obsessions.

That’s the merciful end of that video.

Here’s a tweet about this puppet project.  The nerd in the picture was tasked by Newt to make these puppets within a month.  Hopefully, that guy got paid accordingly.  

Top comment is, “Looks amazing!! Did the one with james even come out?”.  

Newt replies, “No idea.”

That’s right.  Wasn’t James Rolfe involved in some Plan 9 remake?  This is probably where fucking Newt got the idea.  It just gets worse and worse.  NEW IDEAS.  COME UP WITH A NEW IDEA.

Oh my god.  It gets worse.

That’s the 2015 remake that this guy was talking about.  It stars everyone’s favourite actor and close personal friend of Newt Wallen: Mr Lobo AND James Rolfe.


And he has the nerve to say, “No idea” when asked about it.  Well, there it is, Newt.  Now that you know about it, are you still going to do it?  

He does not have a single original idea in his head.  It’s like he’s incapable of coming up with anything original.  He’s somehow predisposed to plagiarise.  Like people who have kleptomania or whatever.  

Why not just remake a different movie?  I mean, if you’re going to rip shit off, there are other things to rip off.  There are plenty of movies in the public domain that might make an interesting puppet remake.  There are plenty of public domain movies that nobody knows about.  You could bring them back.  Do an interesting remake.  

No, I’m just going to do the same fucking thing that my former boss (of sorts) James Rolfe and my friend Mr Lobo did just a few years ago.  I’m Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen, after all.

Here’s a picture of PVC Bondage Girl, Mel, Newt, and some fat guy:

PVC Bondage Girl might want to go a little easier on the makeup next time.  Let her natural beauty shine through.

Do you suppose the fat guy is one of these women’s boyfriends?  Oh man.  Don’t ruin it for me.  Hopefully it’s not PVC Bondage Girl’s boyfriend.

Newt leaves a bizarre message: “Was awesome. I saw some one that took wind out of me sat. Reminded me of a huge missing piece. But we are moving forward an those pieces are gonna miss out”

It’s largely indecipherable but I think it’s a reference to Horseface.  And as a reminder, Newt considers himself to be a writer.  Look at that message.  

It seems that Horseface was also at this nerd convention.

And Justin.  Did they just avoid Newt?  That must have been awkward.  Also awkward for every single person there to have to look at a horseface woman wearing half a top.  PUT SOME CLOTHES ON.  NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THIS.

Well, I suppose that Newt does.  But nobody else.

5 thoughts on “Newt-O-Rama at the New Jersey Nerd-O-Con

  1. this newt guy is growing on me. his optimism and penchant for tits and gore make for an interesting personality. and the endearing blog posts don't do him any harm either.____________________________________is the autobiography out yet? I've been out of the loop on the cinemassacre universe, not having caught up with anything in over a year.i'm not antecipating anything, including precious tidbits, which would be surprising, although the obligatory ego-tripping and self-stroking will be just as amusing

  2. Jimmy's autobiography isn't out yet but he said in a couple of recent videos that he's still working on it. He's adding stuff to it. Like a diary. He wants a completely up-to-date autobiography.

  3. I was waiting for you to find out about his puppet “idea” lolAlso that would have been hilarious if he ran into Horseface there. I bet he was hoping he would and she was hoping the opposite because it would detract from her usual public attention whoring. Be pretty based if he held her hostage and it became a huge police standoff, but he's not brave enough to do it even though he clearly thinks about it daily.Also, she is truly awful in this:

  4. It's really funny to me how on HTM she wants to portray herself as some educated movie person or at least on par with the other guests, but then she goes and does stuff like this and basically keeps it real about the fact she's really just a loud, not very intelligent whore whose only defense against that fact is saying “believe me, I know!” as if “owning it” somehow makes it better.It doesn't make it better. It makes it sadder. You're not even willing to self-analyze for a moment and realize how uncomfortable you make people around you because you're too self-absorbed clearly.She even said in a recent HTM how much she embarrasses her sister in public and told some story, and I'm over here like “yeah, but see the fact you don't even care is apalling. You don't even actually give a shit about your own sister and think it's all a joke and should be laughed over endlessly. The hell is the matter with you?”

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