WTF Wednesday: NJ Horror Con wrap up – Newt Wallen

How many times is he going to reference Horseface?  It’s a 27 minute video so…I’ll guess…10.  About once every three minutes.

0:00 – He says that he hasn’t slept in three days.  Again…why?  What is the problem?  He was fired from a low-paying job that he didn’t like SEVEN MONTHS AGO.  And he immediately found another job.  

0:30 – A reference to “the other company” aka SCREENWAVE MEDIA, INC.  Actually, I don’t know if they’re incorporated or not.

0:45 – “I was talking to my therapist about it, and she was like, ‘This is great.  This is a chance to do a do-over with good people and you have people who are just there for you to make sure that you’re good'”.

He’s talking about how he told his therapist about going to this nerd convention.  

I’d like to have a word with that therapist.  She doesn’t seem to be helping.  Does she know about Shark Vampire?  Does she know about Florida Man?  Does she know about puppet Plan 9 From Outer Space?  

How could any responsible professional possibly advise a patient to go ahead with these ideas?  This is presumably an educated woman.  Does she honestly think that these are good ideas?  They’re all ideas that I would expect from a third grader and they’re straight up stolen.  He stole all of these ideas.  Shark Vampire is just Batman with a shark’s head.  

She should be encouraging him to stop all of this stupid shit.  It’s ridiculous.  You have a job.  Focus on the job.  If you don’t like the job, get a different job.  But these movies/comics/whatever…forget it.  We’ve seen your ideas.  They’re unbelievably bad.  It’s not going to be a success, ever, in a million years.  

1:15 – “I didn’t want to be triggered from being in a convention or seeing people and taking the wind out of my sails and stuff.  And yeah, that did happen but, you know.”

Horseface reference #1

2:00 – He sold 60 comics and 20 of them were to people who he knew.  

I’m reminded of those magazine subscriptions that you used to have sell in school.  This scam had been going on for decades by the time I was doing this.  But by the time I was doing it, the 1980s, parents weren’t letting their children go door to door selling magazine subscriptions.  Rightly.  If these companies want door to door salesmen, hire door to door salesmen.  Don’t use child labour and then pay them with shitty prizes.  “Here’s a pencil topper for selling five subscriptions.”

So what these swindlers would tell you to do, when they came to the school to do their sales pitch, is just to sell them to your family and friends of your family.  Maybe give it to your father so that he can guilt his co-workers into this shit.  

The whole thing is detestable.  I cite these magazine subscriptions or calendar sales or wrapping paper or chocolate or whatever as the single most deplorable thing that schools did in my day.  Forcing kids to sell this shit.  And these were at private schools.  We were paying tuition.  But there were just constant “fund raisers”.  And I wasn’t going to sell this shit so it was another bill for my parents and they got this cheap shit in return.

2:45 – “We had the biggest suite at the Showboat.”

Wait…what?  He was sharing a hotel room with PVC Bondage Girl and/or Mel, and/or that fat guy in that one picture who may or may not be the boyfriend of one of these women?  

I remind you that these are employees of his.

2:45 – “Melissa, who’s usually behind the camera, and Metz, who’s usually helping us, they came down and they were kind of dressed kind of sexy and it was getting guys to come over to the table and stuff like that.”

This is pathetic on so many levels.  Let’s just move on.

3:15 – “My boy Race, who oddly enough I met him through that Reddit that hates me.”

I haven’t heard the term “my boy” since the 9th grade.  Mexican boys used to use this term.  Newt’s growth has been stunted both physically and emotionally.

Anyway, he’s hanging out with weirdos from Reddit.  Great.

4:45 – He mentions for at least the third time that his mother told him that she was proud of him.  He’s referencing the video where he asked his mother, “Are you proud of me?” and she answered in the affirmative.  

So it was prompted.  She didn’t say this spontaneously.  

And who gives a shit anyway?  Newt is 40 years old.  Why does he care about making his momma proud?  “I was a good boy today, wasn’t I?”

“Neither one my parents had ever said that before.”

Yeah.  I mean…I feel bad for saying this but it happened exactly as I described.  Who gives a shit?  Anybody would have answered in the affirmative when prompted by that question.  Was she going to say, “No, I’m very disappointed in you, Newt.  This comic is just tits and gore.  Is this really the best that you can do?”

I’m not saying that she’s not proud of Newt but maybe she’s just somebody who doesn’t say these things.  Who cares?  You’re 40 years old.  

Now he’s talking about how his parents never said, “I love you” to him and whatnot and how that “fucked with” him.  

Some people are better parents than others.  Some people are more affectionate than others.  Get over it.  

5:15 – “I saw a friend of mine who I haven’t seen in a long time and hasn’t talked to me in a while and I kind of got them alone out in the hotel, in the balcony, looking out at the ferris wheel and stuff.  And I was just like, ‘I understand that things can’t be the way that they were but I love you and you’re like my brother and I want to make sure that no matter what, you’ll always be in my life.’  So I got to clear the air with one friend.”

Wait…what?  I thought that he was talking about Horseface at first.  So he was on this balcony, overlooking the ferris wheel, in the biggest suite in the hotel, having this romantic evening with JUSTIN SILVERMAN?  He told Justin Silverman that he loves him?  

Oh my fucking god.  I don’t know how much more of this I want to hear.  Maybe Justin is the one who he was sharing this room with.  

5:45 – “Not another one but time, hopefully, will heal shit.”

Horseface reference #2

6:00 – My goal, ultimately, is that a lot of people are going to see the cool stuff that we’re doing and they’re going to want to play too.”

What?  So he’s doing all of these idiotic projects, again, just to get Horseface to talk to him.  This is seriously fucked up.  Just stop this fucking bullshit and get your life together.

7:45 – “I’ve said it before, I’m not the most creative person in the world.”

Newt is the master of the understatement.

8:30 – Newt reveals that he was talking to Doofy from Scary Movie at this nerd convention and they’re texting now.  Is Newt coming out of the closet in this video?  

9:45 – Eugh.  Newt was talking to some other Z-list celebrity about Horseface and this Z-list celebrity said, “‘Sometimes you have to burn down a chunk of the forest so that things will regrow’.  That’s kind of what’s been happening.  There’s been a lot of parts that I thought I couldn’t live without that unfortunately I’ve had to shed in order to keep moving forward, just like other people have to do with me.”

Horseface reference #3

I’m on target for reaching ten Horseface references.  It’s been every three minutes so far.  

I’m not even joking here.  Horseface needs to speak to a lawyer about Newt’s behaviour.  This is dangerous.  Something needs to be done.  I don’t know if Newt needs psychological help or what.  This therapist doesn’t seem to be working.  Maybe he needs a competent therapist.  Maybe he needs to be involuntarily placed in a mental health institution.  

10:00 – “So he and I talked and he was around when my mom said that she was proud of me.”

This is so very, very sad.  I don’t even want to write about Newt any more.  He’s deeply disturbed.  

10:15 – “Joe Bob and Darcy came over and we were talking about the Drive In that my ex-producing partner and I, during covid, we flew out to LA…”

Horseface reference #4

11:00 – “Last summer, I wrote, directed, produced, and starred…well, co-starred in a short, along with that producing partner.”

Horseface reference #5

12:45 – He’s talking about how he’s launching a “merch” site for the comic and…I guess Florida Man t-shirts and whatnot.  

Why doesn’t he just put this shit on Etsy?  Do you need a dedicated “merch” site?  Etsy would also be more secure than anything you’re going to crank out on the cheap.  

13:00 – He gave a copy of this pornographic comic to his boss.  

14:00 – He’s telling a story about PVC Bondage Girl but he doesn’t give her name.  It’s only later in the story when it becomes clear that he’s talking about PVC Bondage Girl.

These stories are impossible to follow because he doesn’t use anyone’s names.  Everyone has an alias.  “My former producer partner”, “The red-haired girl”, “My former employer” whatever.  Just don’t tell the fucking stories if you don’t want to use anyone’s names.  We don’t want to fucking hear about this shit anyway.  Leave Horseface alone.  She’s not fucking interested.  And this is creepy as shit.

So anyway, this PVC Bondage Girl story…it’s something about alcohol.  He’s vague on all of the details.  

Oh.  He couldn’t find PVC Bondage Girl so he ran around the hotel, making an ass of himself, asking people if they saw her.  But it turned out that she was just curled up in a corner somewhere suffering from alcohol poisoning.

15:00 – “Saturday, obviously, I had a run in with some people.”

Horseface reference #6

“You can’t please everybody.  You can’t mend fences with people who don’t want them mended.  I’m a person who let my own anger and sense of revenge drive me for so long that I can’t get mad at other people who need to hang on to their anger and their displeasure with me.”

I’ll include this as part of the same Horseface reference.  But Jesus fucking Christ.  Who the fuck would want to talk to this obsessive weirdo?  And the person he’s obsessed with is among the worst women on earth.  

I don’t know who’s more objectionable: Newt or Crystal Quin.  They’re both total scumbags.  

He keeps talking about how he’s moving on…but what the fuck?  We’re up to 6 Horseface references and we’re only 16 minutes into the video.  He must have said that he’s moving on from Horseface a million times in the past six months.  It doesn’t suggest moving on.  It suggests scary levels of obsession.  It suggests deep psychological problems.  

And it’s fucking Horseface.  Jesus Christ.  What is the appeal?  He keeps making out like she’s some hot chick.  She’s called Horseface for a reason.  

But even if she was some hot chick, who gives a shit?  Who can possibly be this shallow?  Just find somebody else.  

And Horseface has an extremely off-putting personality.  How could anybody possibly want to be around that?  

He’s going to go to prison over this shit.  Over Horseface.  He’s going to do something scary and he’s going to go to prison over this.  These videos are going to be shown on the news some day.  People are going to cite my blog as giving full warning of this.  “Why did nobody listen to that guy who runs that weird pink blog”, they’ll say.

16:00 – Newt went to the Hard Rock Cafe and drank Old Fashioneds.

So now he’s plagiarising James Rolfe’s DRINKS?  James Rolfe, in one of those delightful podcast episodes, cited his favourite drink as an “Old Fashioned”.  Newt knows this.  It’s a very unusual choice.  Newt is stealing James Rolfe’s alcoholic beverages now.

What’s next?  I think that Newt should just straight up start making angry reviews about video games.  Why not?  It would actually be a good idea.  There would be an irony to it.  It would be funny.  

Just completely rip off the Angry Video Game Nerd.  Wear the same kind of shirt, put glasses on, have title cards, and make videos in the same exact format.  Be the Peeved Video Game Dork.  

16:15 – Now Newt is talking about all of the famous people he knows.  Brian, for example.  Everyone in New York and New Jersey and Las Vegas knows Brian, according to Newt.  I’ll have to take your word for it.  And some guy from Papa Roach is also Newt’s BFF and wants Newt to succeed in all of his creative endeavours..  Allegedly.

17:00 – “I was meeting with my old production partner to fly to Tuscon.”

Horseface reference #7

19:45 – He’s talking about his shitty movie project Midnight Show.  “We shot everything a year ago but then, to avoid headaches with some people, I had to take content out of it.”

Horseface reference #8

20:30 – “We’re going to launch the new review show and I can’t wait to tell you guys what that’s called.”

Let me guess.  Rental Assessments.  Chatting About VHS.  Dissect the Films.

There’s also apparently a plot to these reviews.  I can’t wait for that.  We all love bad acting and bad writing in our review shows.

21:00 – Newt says that there’s going to be a video game next year.  Of what?  Shark Vampire?  

 22:15 – Newt admits to spamming his videos on Facebook to try to increase views.

22:45 – “I have a huge tax bill to pay in two days.”

Based on what?  Where is he getting any income?  There’s the movie theatre and I suppose that he was working at Screenwave during this tax year.  But everything else is a massive net loss.  You don’t have to pay tax on unreleased movies or comics that didn’t sell.  If anything, those are tax breaks.  Newt really needs to speak to an accountant.  Maybe the accountant can talk some sense into him.  “These projects are all terrible.  Knock it off.  Spend your money more wisely than this.”

23:45 – “I’m going to go to therapy Wednesday, before this, and I’m going to have a lot of cool shit to tell my therapist.”

Whoever this woman is, some professional body needs to do an investigation on her.  Is she even qualified?  Is this an actual psychiatrist or psychologist or is this just one of those “therapists” who advertise on Craigslist or whatever?  

24:00 – “My cat clearly missed me so I was hanging out with her and giving her kisses and hugs and all of that shit because I’m like that.  I love my cat.  She doesn’t always love me but she loves me when I’m gone for a while.  If only I could make that work with other women in my life.”

Horseface reference #9

25:15 – “I’m so used to things being taken away that are good and seem positive and give myself hope and when I give myself hope, I get let down.”

Possibly a Horseface reference but I’ll classify this one as getting fired from Screenwave.  He just can’t accept any responsibility for getting fired.  Somebody did something bad to him.  Why did they do this bad thing?  Newt doesn’t seem to know.  Just one day, he walked into work and he was fired.  “What the hell is this?  What did I do?”

He doesn’t understand.  He can’t seem to understand why plagiarism is frowned upon.  Everything that he’s done subsequently has been stolen ideas.  He’s probably been doing this his entire life.  That’s why he doesn’t get it.  Nobody ever explained to him what plagiarism is and why it’s not good.  He just can’t seem to figure it out.  That’s why he thinks that he’s the victim in all of this.

26:00 – “I’ve got to try to not let the little shit break me down and stress over the only thing that did go wrong at the convention because everything else went right.  I’m hoping that people notice that and want to come play and get involved and get excited because I’m excited.”

Horseface reference #10

That’s the video.

I DID IT!  I was dead on.  TEN Horseface references.  One every three minutes.  Slightly more than that, actually.  

The comments are all ass-licking trash from men in dresses.

But yeah, this is really fucked up.  I get Elliot Rodger vibes from this shit.  Newt needs to get his shit together right now before something happens.  Maybe there needs to be an intervention of some sort.  Get professionals involved, I don’t know.  This is not remotely normal or healthy.  This is verging on criminal.  Horseface is not fucking interested.  Leave her alone.

This isn’t even how relationships, work, of course.  You can’t badger somebody into spending time with you.  This is not going to fucking work, like so many other of Newt’s idiotic ideas.

1 thought on “WTF Wednesday: NJ Horror Con wrap up – Newt Wallen

  1. He has shown enough evidence that he definitely suffers from OCD at this point.Think about all the things he gets obsessive about. It's crazy.

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