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BIG Channel Update! (and a Preview) – Mad Panic Gaming
1:30 – He’s talking about how he “rebranded” earlier in the year from Kid Shoryuken to Mad Panic Gaming. He then shills for the Mad Panic Gaming t-shirts that you can purchase. Yeah, I think I’m good for t-shirts right now.
2:00 – He says that he came up with the name “Kid Shoryuken”, “On a whim when I was, like, a teenager when I came up with my first channel in like 2006.”
WHAT? There is NO WAY that this guy is younger than I am. Significantly younger, apparently. Let me figure this out.
Now, he said “like a teenager”. So that could mean anything. Maybe he was 25. But let’s just say that he was genuinely a teenager in the sense that most people would think. Let’s say that he was 16 in 2006. That would mean that he was born in 1990. God, there’s no fucking chance on earth. So he’s 33?
Come on. Look at that guy and tell me that he’s 33. Yes, he has the haircut of an 8 year old boy but he’s also OBESE and looks to be at least 50. Don’t give me this bullshit.
And he said that he was retired from the military. At 33? I don’t think so. And this was years ago that I heard this.
“That was okay when I was aged 18 to age 20 or something.”
So what we can infer from this is that he’s saying that he was 18 when he started the channel. So he’s 35 now. No chance. And who refers to themselves as a “teenager” when they’re 18?
“When you’re in your mid 30s, though, to still call yourself a ‘kid’ is not applicable.”
Mid 30s my ass.
Where is he getting the money to pay for Destiny Fomo’s services as a man in his mid 30s working as a TEFL “teacher” in Japan? When I assumed that he was in his 50s, I just thought he had some shady investments or military pension or something. But now it makes even less sense.
2:45 – He claims that the channel is a collaborative effort now. How? Where are the other collaborators? All of the videos I see are just of him, although I haven’t really looked.
Mid 30s. It’s impossible. Look at this guy.
Let’s say he is in his mid 30s. Why is he blowing all of his money on sex with whores? Who does that in their mid 30s? Just get a fucking girlfriend. If he was 50, I would get it. But in your 30s, you should still be looking for a relationship.
3:45 – He claims that he invented the game hunting in Japan videos but now everybody is doing it so he’s trying to mix up the formula to try to stand out. Well, bringing whores into the video is one way to stand out, I guess.
Then he starts talking about doing game reviews. How about whore reviews? Speaking of which, I’d like to remind everyone that Destiny Fomo got the worst whore reviews I’ve ever seen in my life. EVERYBODY gave her negative reviews.
7:30 – He gives a preview of an upcoming video. Who cares?
10:00 – He says that most people sign up to his Patreon for the “game boxes”. What? Let me see what this is.
By the way, he went on this long rant about how Kid Shoryuken isn’t his name any more and yet all of his social media, including his Patreon, is “Kid Shoryuken”.
Well, he has the world’s most expensive Loot Crate thing going. The lowest price is $50/month and the highest is $200/month. For $50/month, you get manga, figures, and snacks. The higher tiers are all boxes of video games and, presumably, the more money you spend, the more expensive the shit that you get.
It’s actually not a bad idea. Let these weeaboos think that they have a friend in Japan. And he’s giving people something that people actually. Any time I see these Patreon tiers, it’s always some complete bullshit like a postcard or something. No, you can keep your postcards.
It seems like a lot of work, though. And are the prices at all reasonable? Because Loot Crate and the like is going to be $30 or whatever, I think. But they’re giving you complete shit. What kind of stuff is “Kid” Shoryuken giving? If he’s just giving you cheap ass games, it’s not worth it.
Obviously, he has to make a profit on these things. But how much of a profit is he making?
And how much time is he putting into these? Because he has 24 of these. He has to buy games for 24 people every month? And then ship them out? Although, there’s an option to receive your packages every two or three months instead of monthly.
It’s something different at least. It’s an interesting use of Patreon. But I wonder about the execution.
So anyway, that’s the video.
- “Jim you need more chicks with big tits in these videos”
- “I’d like to see a collaboration with フジタさん”
He’s talking about this guy, apparently:
The Richard Simmons of Japan.
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I find RARE Nintendo and Sega games in the BEST retro video game shop! – Lydgendary
This was just a random recommendation from Youtube’s fine algorithm.
0:00 – Whoa. Don’t hide those milkers behind Kirby, baby. Let the world see.
Where is she from? Bath, according to her Twitter. You guys all know Bath, right? Is it in Norfolk? Let me look this up.
No. It’s near Wales. This explains why she seems to have a lot of videos taking place in and around Wales.
Here’s another picture where she’s hiding the goods behind Kirby.
You know who I’m reminded of? At the risk of turning this blog into some kind of haven for perverts, I’m reminded of 1990s/2000s Welsh softcore porn star Lorna Morgan. Just facially.
Looks very similar to me. And I could swear that Lorna Morgan had red hair in at least some pictures.
Anyway, what is this woman doing? Oh, she’s going to a retro video game store. Good stuff. Let’s check it out.
0:30 – She’s with her boyfriend on a train. The boyfriend is a GIANT nerd. GIANT. How did he manage this? I mean, good for him, but it’s just surprising. Maybe he has a 12 inch penis or something.
0:45 – She’s walking through the town. Every town in the UK looks like this. You have the Schuh, the Deichmann, and there’s some kind of crazily overpriced outdoor market going on. This is everywhere. I’ve been all over the country and it’s this from London to the northernmost tip of Scotland.
Fucking Schuh. Who are the people shopping at Schuh? But you see them everywhere so somebody must be going.
1:00 – They stopped at a cafe. She shows the sandwich that she got. Well, this is different, at least. I don’t even know what this is. It looks like corn and peppers and onions in a sandwich. It wouldn’t be my first choice but these cafes always have limited options and the options are odd.
I went to a cafe recently and it was like £8 for a BLT with avocado on it. “BLAT” it was called. Why would I want this? But it was this or their take on a burrito or pancakes. Those were the three options. A “BLAT”, a burrito made by a white British person, or PANCAKES. It was lunchtime. So I got the fucking BLAT. It was fine and a reasonable portion size but kind of odd. Why the avocado? Was anyone clamouring for avocado? And they had vegan options for everything. So you could have vegan bacon instead or whatever. I don’t know. Whatever. It was fine.
Anyway, she’s showing the stuff in the shop. It’s all behind glass display cabinets. Seems a really unpleasant way to shop. Stuff is hidden behind other stuff. How are you supposed to know what’s there? And then I guess you had to get the owner to open the cabinet to get the games that you want. Presumably, the store never gets terribly busy.
6:15 – Then she went to a mall or “shopping centre”. Same shit again. You got a Reiss. You got some “pubs”. It’s just all the same shit no matter where you go.
7:00 – Then she shows an old hotel.
I don’t know what I’m expecting but you can go anywhere in the country and you’ll see all of this. I don’t know anything about Bath so I thought maybe this will be something different but no. Same shit.
She’s at some other bar now and there’s a coronation decoration. So Bath must be some “Tory” town full of elderly people. I’ve seen loads of these places too.
Anyway, they literally went to like five different pubs. This is another thing you see all over the country. It’s a nation of alcoholics.
7:45 – Now she’s back at her home with her boyfriend or whoever this guy is. Husband. They’re showing what games they got for the rest of the video. I don’t care. If she’d lower the camera just a touch, I might be interested. She’s making an intentional effort not to show her tits. So good for her. I appreciate that. Adds a touch of class and elegance to the videos and tells you more about who she is as a person.
Let’s see what the horntards have to say.
- “Wow that shop looked like a museum.”
Yeah, I was going to say this. It looked like a museum, not a shop. That’s not good when you’re operating a shop.
So overall impressions, I’m saying that that was okay. I like when people do little things where they show the town and where they ate and whatnot. It’s the only part of John Riggs’ videos that I enjoy. The parts where he shows what he’s eating. And he eats a lot.
But then the video game “content” has to start and that’s death. At least for me.
She had a pleasant voice. A lot of English people have really, really unpleasant voices. They sound either really pretentious or it’s just really fucking grating like TheGebs24. But this woman had a nice accent.
She didn’t say anything stupid. She seems to be genuinely interested in video games. And she has reasonably big melons. So what’s not to like? I’ll subscribe.
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VECTREX Accessories – Light Pen and 3D Imager – Erin Plays
Oh, it looks like Erin was able to tear herself away from the aggressively boring NES “A-Z” streams that she’s been doing. I haven’t watched one second of any of that shit and I have a professional responsibility to watch it.
I’m looking at her recent videos and noticing a trend on which ones perform well. The one where she’s dressed as Jessica Rabbit got about 80,000 views as did the one where she’s dressed as a “sexy” nurse. Everything else is 10,000 to 20,000 views.
With that in mind, I don’t think that this particular video will perform well. Maybe if she had that stupid headgear on while wearing a bikini she could get up to 80,000 views again.
Anyway, the Vectrex. Erin is all about the Vectrex. She she’s going to dust it off and tell us all about the Vectrex accessories that Mike recently bought for her, for the purposes of this video.
0:00 – “The Vectrex is one of the coolest retro systems ever…in my opinion, anyway.”
Yeah. For the nothing that that’s worth.
What do you suppose the exchange rate is for Vectrex accessories to anal sex? Because Mike clearly bought this shit. And he expects something in return. How much are these things? Let me look.
Wow. The 3d Imager is $3,000 on Ebay. The Light Pen is about $400.
So how do they work out how much buttsex Mike gets for this? Is it like $2/minute? That would be about right for your average prostitute. But if he’s getting $3,500 worth of stuff, that’s like 30 hours of buttsex. Does he need that much?
Obviously, you’re not going to redeem that 30 hours all in one go. But even if you just set aside an hour a day for this, for an entire month, surely you’d get bored. It would become an obligation. And Erin would be dying. “Please, Mike. My ass needs a break today.”
0:30 – Erin is writing on the screen with this Light Pen. You want to know what she drew? “Erin Plays” and heart. Like she’s in the fourth grade. Couldn’t even be bothered to do something remotely creative or interesting.
1:15 – “Art Master was the game I was most excited to play when I first got the Light Pen.”
So…a week ago. Why the constant obfuscation? Just explain to the people that Mike you got this shit recently, for the purposes of the video, in exchange for anal sex. Is that so difficult?
So she draws a really bad Pac-Man who’s breathing fire for some reason. And she draws a heart. Again. Like a fourth grader.
1:45 – Now there’s a Yoshi on the screen that Erin CLEARLY did not draw. This was Mike. But she’s pretending that she drew this by writing “Yoshi” in shaky letters above it.
2:30 – HORRIBLE animation of two triangles. No effort was put into this AT ALL.
3:15 – Now she’s “playing” a different game, this one all about animation. And holy fucking shit is this awful. Not the game, I don’t know how the game is, but her animation…it’s an abomination. A toddler would do a better job than this.
Then there’s another complete piece of shit “animation” involving hearts, of course. Fucking…god damn is a she a fucking retard.
Then that’s it. She moves on to the next game. She spent no time AT ALL on any of this. She played these games for literally five or ten minutes. Just to get this unbelievably shit footage.
How much did Mike spend on these games? His anal sex schedule must be full for the five years after this.
3:30 – Bizarre pronunciation of “electronic”. Long “e” sound at the start.
3:45 – It’s a music game. She say, “I don’t know how to read actual sheet music. Just tabs.”
Wait…what? So she just moves on. She doesn’t even attempt to make a song.
But…how can she not read music? She said that she took drum lessons for years. There’s tabs for drum music?
I was in the school band for 4th through 8th grade. I played the drums. We played from sheet music, of course. Sheet music for drums doesn’t have notes A, B, C, D whatever but it has the notes whole note, half note, quarter note, et cetera. It’s to determine time.
I had a program like this Vectrex game that Erin looked at for two minutes when I was a kid and I was able to write music with it. It’s not difficult. Put some time into it and maybe you’ll like it. But Erin refuses to put time into anything.
And Mike bought all of this shit. How much were the games? Let me look this up.
About $150/each. Unbelievable. Erin will never be able to pay this off. She’ll be serving her ass up to him in the afterlife. And for what? This shitty Youtube video that nobody will watch? What’s the point of any of this?
4:15 – Now she’s moving on to the 3D Imager. God. She spent no time whatsoever with those games. It completely boggles the mind. Why is she doing this? She obviously doesn’t enjoy any of this. She’s not getting money for this. Does she just enjoy being in perpetual buttsex debt to Mike?
Why wouldn’t she at least say, “Hey, get me something that I like. Get me some Britney Spears memorabilia”. No. She’s asking for this shit that she doesn’t give the slightest of fucks about.
For $1,700, you can get a blouse that Britney Spears is purported to have worn. It’s on Ebay. Wouldn’t Erin much prefer that? Why get this fucking video game shit? I don’t get it at all.
It would also make for a more interesting video if she showed that shirt off. Because the shirt also shows a picture of Britney Spears wearing a shirt that looks very similar to that shirt. Erin can try to confirm that it’s the actual shirt that Britney Spears wore. She can look for other footage of Britney Spears in this top. Do some sleuthing ala crazy Bobdunga.
No. Let’s look at this video game shit that nobody, least of all Erin, gives a fuck about.
Then she shows the three games that are compatible with this 3D Imager that Mike bought for her. This is like $5,000 worth of shit that Mike got for her in total. Why? Why this?
6:15 – “3D Crazy Coaster was the 3D game that I was the most excited to play.”
She said something about this game before. She didn’t even know the name of it. Let me look this up.
Old school. This is from 2020. Some horntard apparently asked, “Is there any game that you’ve heard of and wanted to play but you could never find?” Erin’s answer was, “Roller Coaster for the Vectrex”.
There’s no such game. Shortly later, there’s an edit and she Googles the game and corrects herself saying, “3D Crazy Coaster”.
That’s the game that she always wanted to play. Didn’t even know the name of it. But finally, three years later, that day has finally arrived. Erin is going to play Roller Coaster aka 3D Crazy Coaster for the first and last time ever. For seconds. In exchange for god knows how much buttsex.
“It’s described as a roller coaster ride that will make you scream in excitement. I’ve never screamed while playing the Vectrex but there’s a first time for everything.”
Well, you don’t play the Vectrex so there’s that.
But there will be a lot of screaming from all that anal sex that Erin is now indebted to Mike for.
She showed the game for about 30 seconds. Then she showed the final game for about 10 seconds. Said that she sucked at it and that’s the video.
She did not spend any time on ANY of these games. And Mike spent five fucking thousand dollars on all of this shit. She couldn’t even pretend to care about any of this. Not even for the fucking video.
Five thousand dollars worth of shit and completely ungrateful. Doesn’t want any of this.
- “Might want to add a flashing lights warning somewhere. Flashing doesn’t even affect me and I felt myself feeling off with how much the screen was flickering at points… lack of sleep is probably playing into that a bit.”
Here’s an idea. Go fuck yourself, you precious little homo. And Erin did add such a warning, presumably in response to this faggot.
- “That last 3D game looks like they way overdid the separation. Not surprised at all you were seeing double. Maybe if you sat like 6 feet away it would improve. Sad I never got to experience the 3D Imager.”
Oh would you look at this. Joe from Gamesack is back. Eagerly responding to Erin’s video where she was obviously not remotely interested in any of this bullshit. You didn’t notice, Joe? You thought that she was genuinely interested in these Vectrex accessories?
So Erin replies, “It could be that I was sitting too close since I couldn’t have my glasses on, but yeah you could be right. I hope one day you can experience the wonders of the 3D Imager!”
Yeah. If Joe just keeps his beta orbiter status going, who knows what the future holds? Maybe Joe can pay off Erin’s buttsex debt so Erin will have to service Joe instead. I don’t the ins and outs of buttsex contract law but I think that’s how it works.
- “I love watching your channel, you are so beautiful”
I just don’t get these comments. It’s like these people have never seen a woman before. Or they just got out of prison or something.
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What is The WORST Ninja Turtles Movie? – Tony from Hack The Movies
Oh, we’ve got Kevin from Pegwarmers here. Maybe this will actually be watchable. Because he’s…okay. I have no idea why he’s still doing the videos from his basement with poor equipment but whatever. Screenwave kicked him out of the studio.
Oh, and two glorious hours of this. I’m going to watch every minute.
Well, I’m ten minutes in. They’re talking about the second movie. It’s…fine.
I’m 20 minutes in. They’ve been talking about the second movie. Tony says that he didn’t like it because it too childish compared to the first movie and it had new characters instead of using characters that already existed. These are the standard complaints that people have about the movie. Kevin agrees but says that he liked the second one because he was a kid when it came out and appreciated the child-friendly tone.
I don’t think that I ever saw it. I saw parts of it as an adult, on tv, but I was in the 9th or 10th grade when it came out. I wasn’t interested in that shit. Even the first one I wasn’t interested in, although I did see it. It was one of the few movies I saw in the cinema as a kid.
But yeah, I remember being disappointed just looking at the commercials and shit. It was clearly for children. And Vanilla Ice and all. Fuck that shit.
I saw the first one. I was like 12. A bit too old to be interested in that shit. But whatever. It’s not like I’m a grown man watching this shit and making a two hour Youtube video on it.
Then the next one comes out a year later. You want it to continue in the vein of the original. Because I’m older now. If anything, I want it to be more gritty. More violent.
No, it’s this fucking bullshit where Michaelangelo is knocking people out with yo-yos and whatever. Fuck this shit. Who’s this for? People who mentally regressed in the past year?
If they were making the movie ten years later, fine. They’re trying to reach a new, younger audience. But this was a just a year between movies. The same people who saw the first one are going to want to see the second one. And if they were old enough to appreciate the slightly “mature” nature of the first movie they’re going to want at least that level for the second one. No. Vanilla Ice rapping.
21:00 – Now they’re talking about the third one. Eugh…I’ll listen to it as background noise.
It’s not that this is bad. Don’t get me wrong. The reason I’m not time-stamping every time somebody says something stupid is because nobody is saying anything stupid. We need more of this, Tony. Not the fucking braindead ladies you so enjoy having on the show.
But…this is nerd shit. I don’t care. With Pegwarmers it’s a little more tolerable because he’ll show the toys. So you can say, “Oh…that’s what it looks like.” But here it’s just these two fat bearded guys talking about nerd movies. Sometimes they’ll show a clip and you say, “I don’t care about that.”
I made it to 35 minutes. It’s fine. Whatever. I’ve got other stuff to do, Tony. I can’t watch your two hour videos. Have some respect for your audience.
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This Mini PC Intel is Perfect for What I Needed – John Riggs
A terrabyte server for your gamer girls porn? He’s downloading every video that his favourite ladies upload. Plus all of their Instagram pictures. Plus all of their Twitter comments.
His long-suffering wife is yelling in the background, “John, can you please help me with the kids? The youngest one is banging his head into stuff again. And your two daughters are sons now.” “Sorry, honey. I have to work on my gamer girl archive. Talk to you next week after I come home from the latest nerd convention.”
This is a product that he received for free in return for a “review”. He even admits this. He says that he’s seen similar shilling videos for this exact same product. He also maybe just got straight up money for this. He has an affiliate link that earns him pennies for every click and if you actually buy the product through that link, he gets dollars.
0:30 – John Riggs thinks that this product would be good for Steam. He goes on to say that he gets Steam codes from other companies trying to get him to shill for their games and he can’t use them because he doesn’t have a “Steam Deck”. Or something.
Hey…John Riggs…do you own a COMPUTER? That’s all you need to run computer games. Steam sells computer games. It’s nothing special.
Saying that, you need a decent computer to play modern games. Everybody knows that. And this piece of shit that he’s showing is NOT a decent computer. This is not something that you want to play games on. According to somebody in the comments, it doesn’t even have a graphics card. What is this? 1995?
I remember back when graphics cards were a new thing. I never got one. I mean, who gives a shit? But people would buy dedicated graphics cards to play Doom or whatever. I thought, “Surely, it can’t make that big of a difference.” It probably did but I still somehow survived the 1990s and played Doom.
Then in about 2008, I bought a laptop. This was the first computer that I had in the UK. I had gone quite a few years without a computer. It was a difficult time. I had to watch tv like a caveman. And go to internet cafes to check my emails. But I finally amassed enough money to get a laptop. Big laptop. Like 19 inch screen or something.
So I get it home and my Polish roommate, who worked in IT, started talking about what a piece of shit it is. “It has an integrated motherboard. Everything is just on the motherboard. It’s like £50.”
Look, I don’t give a shit. I’m just happy to be able to check my emails at home and play these old games that I haven’t played in three years.
I got my last two computer from Chillblast. You can customise the computer that you want and then they build it. The idea is it’s for people who are too lazy and/or not nerdy enough to build their own computer. So you have somebody else do it.
I’m happy with the computers that I got. The last one lasted ages before the graphics card died. And it still ran modern games. I made sure to upgrade the RAM or…whatever to try to future-proof it. And you can tell them to put some cool lights in there and a racing stripe and you’re ready to go. No problems. And customer service is great.
Not an affiliate link. I’m not making a penny from that. That’s just genuine promotion. An oasis of truth in a world full of dishonest fucks like John Riggs.
0:45 – Then he suggests that he’s going to do “PCVR” stuff with this computer that doesn’t even have a graphics card. Good luck with that.
1:30 – John Riggs says that he gets his 14 year old neighbour to reformat his computer. To that neighbour, I suggest staying well clear of John Riggs.
3:30 – John Riggs goes on a bizarre rant about how he needs the computer to be “plug and play” and he doesn’t have time for those “big box” computers that take an age to put together.
What the fuck is he buying? I’ve never had a computer that takes a long time to set up. You get the computer. You plug your mouse in. You plug your keyboard in. You plug your monitor in. You plug the computer and the monitor into a powerstrip. And you’re done. You turn it on and it works.
4:15 – Now he’s talking about how easy it was to set up. But…he’s just talking about Windows. When you start a new install of Windows, they make you run through a bunch of bullshit. Create an account, I don’t want to create an account, create a password, shit like this. It’s not really anything to do with the computer.
5:30 – He’s playing something called Poppy’s Playtime. It looks like it took quite a while to load. And now it looks to be playing at like five frames a second. It’s some shitty indy game. Even this is barely playable on this piece of shit computer.
7:00 – Then he finishes the video by saying hey, it’s great. This is exactly what I needed. I needed a way to play my 15 Steam games.
God, this is fucking awful. The computer is a total piece of shit. And for whatever bizarre reason, John Riggs doesn’t seem to realise that just about any computer will run Steam. You don’t need a fucking “Steam Deck” like he seems to believe. I’ve been running Steam for 20 years. When did it come out? Okay, 19 years then.
How can somebody as fat and beared as John Riggs possibly be this clueless about computers?
Let’s check out his Twitter. Pad this out.
https://twitter.com/johnblueriggs
Did he get rid of his pronouns? I thought that he had his pronouns here before. He claimed that it’s totally normal in the state of Washington to tell people your pronouns. Uh huh. Sure it is.
He claims that he was in something called All Sorts. It’s a movie not noteable enough for Wikipedia.
There are scam affiliate links in his Twitter. And A LOT of them. This is shameful. His Twitter is more scams than it is actual messages.
Oh, his wife is on Twitch now.
https://www.twitch.tv/micheleblueriggs
REALLY annoying voice. And she’s playing Fortnite with…some guy. But I don’t think it’s John Riggs.
Oh, here’s John Riggs with Horseface. There’s a crossover I wasn’t expecting. She’s wearing half a top, of course. That’s always…revolting. Justin Silverman is there as well. And then just…two other guys. Maybe two guys from Screenwave? New interns? Who knows?
And then Horseface replied to this with…pictures of herself. Pictures of herself in half a top. What’s the relevance? Who gives a shit? She’s a fucking moron.
John Riggs posts a lot about food too. Sugary food that he’s purchased or wants to purchase. And sometimes Chinese food.
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Episode 67: Blonde ft. Crystal Quin – Reviewing History
This is episode 67 of a podcast on a channel that has 617 subscribers.
Well, I don’t know. You can’t expect to grow an audience overnight. They’ve only been doing this for a year. But it seems like a lot of work for…what? Is this ever going to take off?
You’ve got Anthony and Brian, the fat and fatter versions of the every man. And then Steve who somehow missed the memo that you’re supposed to a big fat guy if you want to talk about nerd shit. At least they all have beards. That’s a must. And they’re joined in this episode by special guest Horseface McGee aka Crystal Quin.
Well, maybe it will be good. I’m looking at the other episodes and they have some good movies that they talk about. Platoon. The French Connection. Mutiny on the Bounty.
Wow. I’m noticing the views. They sometimes don’t even reach double figures. That’s got to be disheartening.
You look at the blog, for example. I’ve been doing it for like four years or something, if you include the Reddit era. And you might think, “What’s the point? There’s like 100 people who come here, half of whom are the people who you write about.”
Yeah, but I’m just sitting at home in my underpants and writing this shit. Other than the domain name and server space, which are of minimal costs, I’m not spending money on this. Well, the banner was like $200. But that’s worth every penny.
These guys are getting together, buying camera equipment, lighting equipment, they’re spending a lot of time watching the movies, researching, doing 90 minutes reviews of the movies, editing the videos, uploading them. And for what? They’re not making a dime off of this.
Maybe they just like doing it. It just seems like a lot of effort.
0:30 – The one fat guy says that he’s a filmmaker and a teacher. Tell me more. How does he have time to make these videos when he already has two, presumably, demanding jobs?
2:30 – For reasons that escape me, the other fat guy starts talking about defecating on coffee tables as part of some sexual fetish. Why? What the fuck is going on here? I’m already lost.
This is some kind of attempt to woo Horseface? What? God. I’m not saying I’m Casanova but…god, this is fucking awful. Learn how to speak to women, you fat fuck.
4:45 – Horseface is talking about how she was a big Marilyn Monroe fan growing up. Uh huh.
You know, I’m reminded of something. I went to school with a guy. When he was in his mid to late 20s, he was imprisoned for murder. He was with some MILF and the husband found out so there was some beef and this guy ended up killing the husband, while this MILF and the husband’s son watched.
So he was in prison for, whatever, five to ten years. And when he came out he was all tatted up. This was a Mexican guy, by the way. He had face tattoos. Like Insane Clown Posse makeup. But tattoos.
He immediately finds a girlfriend. Looking like that. With no job. And right out of prison.
A few months later, after numerous violent altercations with this girlfriend, the relationship ends.
So he immediately gets into a new relationship. Looking like that. With no job. Right out of prison. And having beat his previous girlfriend so badly that she was running around town, a bloody mess, begging for help. This was all on Facebook.
This new girlfriend was a Marilyn Monroe enthusiast. She tried to look like Marilyn Monroe and act like Marilyn Monroe, falling well short on both counts. But this was her thing.
So I send her a message. “You know that that guy you’re with went to prison for murder, right? And he beat his last girlfriend so badly that she was running around town, a bloody mess, begging for help?” Something along these lines.
And she sends me a long message. “Yo yo yo. I know what he’s about, dawg. He told me everything. Mind your bees, homey. I know what I’m doing. And that bitch deserved it.” This was a white woman talking, by the way.
So I said, “Alright, just trying to help.”
A couple of days later, she sends a message, “Oh, I’m really sorry for the way I spoke to you. That wasn’t me. I just got excited. A thousand pardons.”
A couple of weeks later, she’s in the hospital.
I wonder what that guy is doing now. I lost track of him. I know that he took his Facebook down. This was like…I don’t know…15 years ago. He’s probably an investment banker now.
6:00 – Horseface is so fucking annoying. I can’t even quote from her. I just want to turn this shit off. There’s enough suffering in the world. Why should I put myself through this?
This video is over two hours long. I’m two seconds from stopping this.
You know, when Horseface shuts her fucking mouth, this isn’t so bad to listen to. It’s a real contrast. You actually WANT to hear these fat fucks talking after a screed from Horseface. Anything to get us away from Horseface and her incessant, vapid, brainless, narcissistic bullshit.
10:00 – Horseface is talking about how she sells pictures of her feet and how proud she is of this. This isn’t about you and your stupid bullshit, Horseface. Please stop talking.
Then she tells some bizarre…something…about how she doesn’t care about aliens because aliens aren’t going to pay her rent. What? And everybody looks confused as fuck by this comment. It’s the world’s dumbest woman.
12:30 – Horseface is talking about MySpace and Xanga. Let me tell you what the topic was. The guys were talking about how much American society changed during the 1940s and 1950s. And how the technology changed. Horseface “mmhmm’d” her way through it. Then she starts talking about MySpace and Xanga.
She could not be any more out of her depth. I think that this podcast is trying to be some kind of semi-intellectual thing. They’re talking about history and applying it to movies. You know, what was going on when Easy Rider was being filmed? How is it reflective of American society at the time? Shit like this.
So Horseface starts talking about Xanga. Loudly and vociferously.
13:45 – Finally, they decide to start talking about the movie.
16:15 – I’m done. I can’t listen to her any more. And she’s not shutting up.
Unwatchable. If you want to watch a semi-intelligent disussion constantly get derailed by a horse-faced woman, this is the video for you. Maybe they have decent stuff to say. But I can’t listen to Horseface any more. She’s fucking awful. And Newt is sitting in his apartment jacking off to this while his cat watches. That’s the most baffling thing about this. Newt can’t get over THIS. This fucking AWFUL, TERRIBLE, HORRENDOUS woman who doesn’t have a brain in her fucking giant equine head.
Don’t quit your day job, Horseface. Whatever that is. “Events”.
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Cool Japanese Snacks! -Zuvi
At first I thought, “So she’s going to show some Japanese candy. Who gives a shit? I’ve seen this a thousand times before.”
But then I thought, “Maybe I’m too jaded. Yes, it’s been done a billion times but so has everything else. Let’s give it a chance.”
No. She starts the video by saying that this is just some subscription box who sent her a free sample. This is dog shit. She couldn’t even be bothered to pick out some candy that she’s genuinely interested in. She’s just reviewing one of those shitty fucking subscription boxes. Fuck this lazy ass bullshit.
You can see this woman naked on the internet, by the way. Her links are here:
According to that, you have to be over 20 to see the pornographic stuff. Why? Presumably, that’s the law in Japan but she lives in the US.
According to her OnlyFans, you’re not allowed to print the images. Who’s doing that? Who’s printing pornographic images? Let me fire up my dot matrix printer so that I can print out this pornographic picture and enjoy it on the go.
When I first got the internet, I printed out a still frame from…what was it? Showgirls, I guess. That was pornography back in the day. No smart phones, of course. This was like 1998. So yeah, I printed this picture out. I think I had an ink jet printer but no color ink so it was just black and white. Then I folded the picture up and put it in my pocket and would use it in the bathroom. Masturbation was no easy task back then. Spanking it to black and white, poor quality, freeze frame printings of mainstream movies.
I had a few magazines as well. Playboy and Penthouse. Those sucked dick, and not in a good way. But I had some more explicit magazines like Busty Beauties and Gent: Home of the D Cups. Breast enthusiast magazines mostly. I also had some Asian stuff like Oriental Dolls. Not much, though. My entire pornographic magazine collection was about a dozen magazines.
And before that, we’re talking about scrambled Spice Channel stuff. We had some kind of descrambler but it only descrambled the image for like 30 seconds and then it would be scrambled for two minutes or so. It would alternate like that. So you really had to squint and time your ejaculation.
I also had a collection of just mainstream stuff. There was a TV listings magazine (not TV Guide but just whatever came in the newspaper) that had Dolly Parton on the cover. I had a milk ad that had Naomi Campbell in a little dress. I had some surprisingly risque ads from Cosmopolitan magazine. This sort of thing.
Anyway, for $45, you can watch this Japanese woman with no breasts and no personality watching hentai. No, I think I’m okay. Where does she get these prices? Who’s buying any of this?
For $150, you can have a 7 minute video of her having anal sex with her husband/pimp in what even she describes as a “messy room”. What? No. Are you out of your mind? I’m not paying anything for that.
She also seems to do a lot of self-fisting videos. Come on. That’s just gross.
That pimp/husband has no idea what people want to see. It’s not this shit, I’ll tell you that.
So anyway, she’s going to talk about candy now. From this subscription box. Let the good times roll.
1:15 – Rice crackers. Is this happening? Is how she’s starting the video? A video about Japanese candy and she starts with RICE CRACKERS?
I think that I’d rather see that revolting fisting video, frankly.
She’s showed about three items so far and they’re all video game related. This sucks. Don’t they sell regular candy in Japan?
9:30 – She says that she doesn’t chew gum because she has a problem with her jaw. She continues and says that she has to wear a mouthguard when she sleeps. Too much dick sucking, I guess. Or she seems to do a lot of videos where she attempts to see how much stuff she can fit in her pussy. Maybe she also does videos where she sees how much stuff she can fit in her mouth. What other orifices can this idea be extended to?
So that’s the video. Wow. That was some boring stuff. She did mention that it was mostly video game related candy as opposed to “traditional” candy, though.
At the beginning of the video, she said that she regularly gets candy from Japan and she showed huge containers of this stuff. Why? She’s lived in the US for many years. I’m thinking at least ten. Is the candy in Japan really that much better than the candy in the US?
I’ve eaten some Pocky in my time. It’s not great. And the portion sizes are miniscule. Japan seems to emphasise cute packaging over quality product. You get some chalky, bland candy in a Hello Kitty tin for five bucks or whatever. No thanks.
I’ve never even considered importing candy from the US but US candy is surely better than British candy. At least the non-chocolate stuff. There’s certainly more variety in the US. Way more. But who gives a shit? It’s candy. The shit they have in the grocery stores is good enough. Jelly Babies or whatever. Fine. I’ll go with it. Sure, I’d rather have those Life Savers gummies but who cares? I’m not going to go out of my fucking way to import this shit and pay the astronomical prices that people want for imported candy.
I did get a couple of tubs of Red Vines, over the years, though, from Amazon. They don’t sell licorice in the UK. Not really, anyway. It exists as a generic candy in bite size pieces or coils in any “pick and mix” place that might still exist but you can’t find a pack of Twizzlers or something like that.
It’s peculiar because licorice is popular in Northern Europe. I mean actual licorice, not so much that red “licorice”. But no, there’s no licorice culture in the UK.
Anyway, I’m going to go see how much licorice I can fit in my ass now.
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Checking out the Death Toll on Newt Wallen’s Twitter
Arleen Sorkin died, guys! I’ll give you a moment to pick yourself up off the floor. Yes, THE Arleen Sorkin.
WHO THE FUCK IS ARLEEN SORKIN?
I’ll look this up in a moment but I’m thinking that she had something to do with Uncle Joey from Full House. But she wasn’t on the show. No. I’m thinking that she was the co-host of Uncle Joey’s AWFUL America’s Funniest Home Videos rip off called America’s Funniest People.
Let me look this up.
I was right!
She was also on Days of Our Lives and as the person who Newt plagiarised mentioned, was the voice of Harley Quinn on some Batman cartoon. Oh, Batman: The Animated Series. Yeah, I used to watch that.
But to me, she’ll always be the co-host of that fucking dreadful America’s Funniest People. Even when I was watching it, as a kid, I knew that it was horrible. I hated the show. It was painfully unfunny. But I still watched it just to be “ironic”, I guess.
I remember that they would have segments where they go out on the streets, put a microphone in front of random people they meet, and basically say, “Okay, now do something funny.” You can imagine how that went. It was never anything even approaching comedy.
Let me look for some clips.
There’s a channel that has full episodes. And America’s Funniest Home Videos too. Actually, mostly America’s Funniest Home videos. The videos have been up for three years so no copyright strikes so far.
https://www.youtube.com/@BestAFVonU2BE/videos
0:30 – Wow, this is even worse than I remembered. They start the show with a GOD AWFUL skit that’s horribly acted and horribly written.
Then there’s a guy with his submission for the show. He’s playing “Four box tic tac toe.” Holy shit is not funny.
2:00 – Now we’re back to Arleen and her terrible comedy stylings. The skit is about selling jewelry and it’s not going well for her. So she says, “Maybe I should just go back to selling what really moves.”
Your ass? If she’s selling, I’m buying. I mean, not now, obviously. The woman is dead. And she was 67. But in 1990, I would. Although, I was like 12 at the time. Maybe she wouldn’t go for it.
Oh, there was actually another co-host of America’s Funniest People. It was Arleen Sorkin from 1990 to 1992 but then Tawny Kitaen from 1992 to 1994. And she also died recently. In 2021. I don’t remember her but no doubt Newt tweeted about her death at the time.
Anyway, I’m watching more of this show. It’s fucking awful. They show these HORRIBLE “jokes” that people in some mall are telling and then it cuts to the studio audience, who presumably just got done watching this shit, and they’re laughing hysterically. It’s impossible. There’s no way that they were watching these videos and having a reaction like that.
God. I can’t watch this any more.
But anyway, Newt Wallen. Newt Wallen is really broken up over the death of Arleen Sorkin. He said “No”.
Oh. That’s really interesting, Newt. Any memories of Arleen Sorking that you want to share?
No.
Have you ever so much as said the words “Arleen Sorkin” in your life before?
No.
Oh great. What an asshole. Death-obsessed piece of shit.
He retweeted about Bob Barker dying. Oh really. Bob Barker, you say. I thought that he died years ago. No. It was only recently. He was 99. So young. I can see why Newt was broken up about this. Couldn’t even be bothered to write “No” this time. Bob Barker didn’t even deserve a “No”. He only got a re-tweet.
He’s never written about Bob Barker in his life. Not once. But now that he’s dead, hey I have to tweet about this. People have to know that Bob Barker is dead. I must tell the world about this. It’s not enough that every print, television, and internet news outlet has covered the story. I, Newt Wallen, must also spread the word. To the 15 ladyboys who go on my Twitter.
And he re-tweets about William Friedkin. A spritely 87 years young. Newt wants us to know. Because he’s a death-obsessed asshole.
Never talked about him before. Not once. Show me the William Friedkin tweets.
And even when he died, can’t be bothered to say anything about him. What’s the point of any of this? It’s just Newt re-tweeted dead celebrities.
What criteria is even being used? Arleen Sorkin? Really? He’s a big Arleen Sorkin fan? How did she make the cut?
He’s a fucking moron.
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Problem Child 2 (1991) is a Hilarious Comedy Sequel! – Movie Dumpster
This is a Screenwave production. One of these guys, the obnoxious homo, writes the AVGN episodes now. He’s also the Reddit moderator on TheCinemassacre who banned me.
Same exact format as Hack the Movies. Same 90 minute “reviews” (summaries). Same title formats “(Movie) is (some stupid clickbait adjective)”. Same era of movies (1990s/2000s). Same genre (mostly horror).
Why would I watch this? If I don’t like Hack the Movies, which I don’t, why would I watch a Hack the Movies rip-off?
Actually, who’s ripping off who? Movie Dumpster has been around since 2018 and Hack the Movies since 2014. But Movie Dumpster has been doing this format of videos since the beginning, in 2018. Tony hasn’t been making these videos since 2018, has he? Now I have to check.
That seems to be the first Hack the Movies video, as we know it today. Newt is in it. They discuss the end of Rental Reviews. And that was in July 2020.
So…I don’t know when Rental Reviews started but I wouldnt’ say that Rental Reviews is overly similar to Hack the Movies or Movie Dumpster. At least in terms of the UNBEARABLY long run times.
So I’m thinking that Hack the Movies is the rip off. They ripped Movie Dumpster of all things. And obviously Rental Reviews. God, there’s not an original idea to be found from any of these people.
And to add to it all, Newt Wallen claims that he came up with the idea of Rental Reviews. If that’s true, which is very well may not be, Newt obviously stole the idea from somewhere else.
Why don’t these people rip off GOOD ideas? It’s completely baffling. I guess by ripping off shit ideas, they have the built in excuse of, “Of course my videos are shit. They’re supposed to be. That’s what I was going for.” Pretending that you enjoy making crap is a lot easier than making good videos.
So Problem Child. I fucking hated that kid. I wanted to rip his head off. And I never even saw the movie. The commercials were annoying enough.
I think that the actor who played this kid was on the IMDB forums back when those existed. I’m thinking like 15 or 20 years ago. And his username had the word “Roadie” in it. He would talk about his new job as a roadie for some band. There was a small group of people on IMDB who made it their life’s mission to make fun of this guy. Kind of like those losers from TheCinemassacreTruth on Reddit.
Wow. This video has A LOT more edits than Hack the Movies does. OCD levels of editing. Every two seconds, they’re splicing in some movie footage. I guess it saves us from having to look at these homos for too long.
3:00 – They say if you want more of this “content” you can go to Patreon. What? More of this? More of this shit where two homosexuals speak in rapid-fire succession while movie clips play every two seconds? No. I don’t want more of this. I want less of it. Where can I get less of it?
They havae 178 “patrons”. That’s just sad. They’ve been doing this since 2018. Trying to make money from this.
I’m five minutes in and I’ve already tuned out. They’re just talking a mile a minute. About what? I don’t know. Not the movie, I don’t think.
I can’t. I made it to ten minutes. I can’t listen to this shit any more. UNWATCHABLE, BOYS.
Let me look up that kid from the movie.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Oliver_(actor)
Michael Oliver. That’s right. Doesn’t mention what he’s doing now in terms of jobs or whatever. But he’s not acting. He was only in a handful of stuff and he “retired” when he was 16.
https://www.facebook.com/goodhopefm/photos/a.10150151656883887/10151539949848887/?type=3
There’s confirmation that he was working as a roadie at some point. That’s from 2013, though.
http://washedupcelebrities.blogspot.com/2006/10/michael-oliver.html
There’s his Washed Up Celebrities feature from 2006, which also confirms that he was a roadie. I remember Washed Up Celebrities. I used to go there regularly. Some blog *nostalgia*. Last post was in 2014.
http://michaeloliverfans.blogspot.com/
There’s a blog called “Gay Appreciation for Michael Oliver. That’s right. On the IMDB forums, it was a “joke” to call Michael Oliver gay. So one of these losers obviously made a blog with this same “joke”. This obvious harassment blog is still up seven years later and yet my blog got taken down for some unexplained reason.
https://filmboards.com/board/t/What-happened-to-him%3F-3403794/
Here are people posting the SAME FUCKING “JOKES” years later on some website that tried to be the successor to the IMDB forums. How long are they going to do this? It’s like 20 years of this shit now.
Anyway, that’s Movie Dumpster. Totally unwatchable. Aggressively awful. Avoid at all costs. And fuck that asshole Sean O’Rourke.
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How To Overcome Life Challenges – Zap Cristal
2:00 – “I know all of us have, at some point, gone through tough times.”
So she’s going to talk about video game music that helped her get through difficulties. Eugh. Fuck off.
Mr Wright Way II is talking about how some Final Fantasy game stopped him from the brink of suicide. Uh huh. Great.
By the way, Zap “Too Hot to be an Influencer” Cristal is wearing a Garfield t-shirt that says “Food Snob”. What year am I in? Is the Jim Davis corporation still cranking this shit out? Who’s buying it? Who’s buying Garfield t-shirts in 2023?
Oh my god. So Mr Wright Way II says that some guy who he describes as a “musician” died and by playing Final Fantasy VII, it helped him cope with the loss. Because in the game there’s a character who dies.
I don’t want to watch an hour of this shit. How about some time stamps? I have to just blindly skip ahead then.
9:00 – Mr Wright Way II was talking about some singer and Zap Cristal says, “It’s so funny because she’s our son’s favourite too.”
How fucking creepy is this? This guy, who Zap Cristal has known for less than a year, and got married to him, is referring to HER son as “OUR son”. Has this guy adopted Zap Cristal’s son already? It’s creepy as fuck. What is she doing with her life? What is she doing with her son’s life? Does she not give a shit? Just invite random black men to move in with you and your son?
Mary J. Blige is who they’re referring to. I had to look it up. Some black singer. And Zap Cristal says that “our” son has a crush on her.
Yeah. This is what the young folk are listening to. Fifty-two year old Mary J Blige. This is who all of the 12 year old Puerto Rican boys are swooning over.
It’s creepy as fuck. Just don’t even mention your son. Can we have that as a starting point? We don’t want to hear this creepy shit. Ideally, creepy shit shouldn’t even be happening but it seems like Zap Cristal is completely incapable of keeping her son away from creepy shit. So at least just don’t tell us about it. We don’t want to know.
I’m skipping ahead again.
13:00 – Zap Cristal says that during covid she was a teacher. What? So what is she doing now? And how did this cretin become a teacher in the first place? You need a degree, surely. Even in Texas. She has a degree? There’s no way. I mean, I know it’s not a big achievement to get a degree, even Erin has one, but there’s no way that this woman has one.
Skipping ahead.
17:15 – She’s talking about some stupid album about depression and comparing it to her own life. “I was getting out of a marriage where, let’s just face it, I was going through some things where my life was in jeopardy.”
I don’t think that she’s talking about Mr Wright Way. I think that she’s talking about something that happened in 2015. So this was yet another marriage. Probably to yet another black man who she barely knew.
Exactly how many black stepfathers does this unfortunate son of “theirs” have?
“My life and my kid’s life was in jeopardy.”
Fuck you, scumbag. You’re the one responsible for this. Nobody else. Stop marrying random black men. It’s okay to be alone.
It’s amazing how some women seem to always pick “abusive” men. What’s the common denominator here? You, you piece of shit. You’re picking these men. What is it about your that makes you choose abusive or “abusive” men?
She brought a guy into her home who she’s claiming was going to kill both her and her son. And this is just normal. We’re supposed to sympathise with her. “Oh, how awful for you. You’re such a victim.”
No. You did this. You invited the guy in. You married him. You let him live with you and your young son. It’s all you. The guy didn’t break in. This is who you wanted in your home. This murdeous piece of shit, according to you.
Skipping ahead.
26:30 – Zap says, “Listening to you, I’m reflecting on my own challenges and there’s so many I don’t even know where to start.” Then she talks about her “challenges” in growing her Youtube channel.
No, you dumb bitch. Concentrate on your life and your son’s life.
Skipping ahead.
44:30 – “People come and go and I wish them the best.”
She’s talking about all of her “abusive” black ex-husbands.
That’s enough for me. I skipped around until the end and nothing seemed interesting.
So that’s Zap Cristal and Mr Wright Way II talking about their “challenges”.
Everybody has problems but nobody wants to hear them. Nobody cares. I don’t just mean horntards on Youtube I mean nobody. People have their own problems and don’t give a fuck about yours. It’s just how it is, unfortunately. Your problems are yours to solve.
I have my own problems. But rather than whine about them, I’ll wait until I resolve them and then say what I decided to do. The solution will not involve marrying black men, I can assure you of that.