Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5JPObFEk8g

Wait…why is the audio so bad?  Was it always like this?  No.  I mean, it wasn’t particularly good in last week’s video but this is noticeably bad.

0:00 – “Unlike last week, I won’t be crying for you this week.”

He misses Horseface.  I get it.  It’s like talking about a childhood pet who died.

It’s just Newt talking about this shitty movie from 1971.  So how can I pad this out?  I’ll let him drone on while I write.   

Well, first of all let me acknowledge that I’ve been writing a lot of articles about guys lately.  It’s contrary to the theme of the blog.  But the ladies aren’t uploading.  For months, in many cases.  Erin is uploading Castlevania streams but I’m not watching that shit.

6:45 – He went to film…something…with Crystal Quin.  I don’t know.  

Also, every time he talks about Screenwave, he says, “That other place” or something.  Like he’s legally prohibited from saying “Screenwave”.  What the fuck?  Just say “Screenwave”.  What’s going to happen?

Newt is still talking.  I’m at 10 minutes.

You know what’s missing from this video?  Cereal boxes.  What cereal is he eating this week?  Frosted Flakes?  Lucky Charms?  Kaboom?  

I used to eat Fruit & Fibre for the first years of living in the UK.  I liked it.  Maybe it was the novelty of the spelling of “fiber”.  I enjoyed the British spelling.  There was a branded version from Kellog’s or something but I actually preferred the store brand Fruit & Fibre from Tesco.  You got more of it, it was cheaper, and it tasted better.

Oh, you know what it was like: Raisin Bran.  But it had more than just raisin and bran flakes.  It had slices of almond and I think dried cranberries and dried banana chips.  It was great.  But if you ate too much of this stuff, you’d take massive, massive shits.  It was like a horse was playing a practical joke in your toilet.  

So anyway, Newt finished the video.  

Let’s peruse the comments.  

– “Your presence on “that other show” is sorely missed. It’s just not the same. I’m very happy you are regularly uploading here!”

Newt replies, “Eh I have more than enough people tell me regularly how their shows so much better without me so I just keep to myself over here an do this stuff for anyone who cares. Cant compete with studio an network backing an couple editors”

How weird is it to refer to Screenwave like they’re some Hollywood movie studio?  “I can’t compete with these guys.  They have a big table and microphones.”

But yeah, Talking About Tapes/Hack the Movies is definitely worse since Newt left, and not just because Horseface McGee and Johanna became a bigger part of the show after he left.  Although, that too.  

Newt was fine on the show, as long as he wasn’t paired with Horseface.  When he was with Horseface, he was just a horny loser who kept talking about how hot she is but when she wasn’t there, he would actually talk about the movie.

These female co-hosts simply don’t have anything to say.  Johanna says, “yeah” and sometimes makes an awkward comment and Crystal only talks about hot actresses in the film who she wants to have sex with.  And this is all of the actresses in every film.  I don’t give a shit about that.  Nobody does.

Very rarely, they’ll have Justin or Kieran on and that’s…better than these women but Newt did a better job than either of them.  

He also has random co-hosts who I don’t know and I’ve not seen anyone who was any good.

Newt was equal to Tony but the co-hosts now are all subservient to Tony and don’t add anything.  “Hee hee.  Good joke, Tony.  You’re so right.”  This is lame.  

– “I normally prefer to watch movies by myself because I hate being interrupted. That said I would love to have someone with your knowledge whose brain I could pick while having a schlock marathon.”

This is actually a good pick up line.  I’ll have to try it some time.

So what does Newt say?  Something self-deprecating, of course.  

“You would get tired of me. They always do ha”

Please feel sorry for me.  My name is Newt.  And I lost my job at Screenwave Media.  Because I plagiarised multiple scripts.  But forget about that.  Don’t blame Crystal Quin over this.  I love that horsefaced woman.  I miss my scumbag friends.

Aw Newt.  We love you.  Your kitchen movie reviews are fabulous.  Here’s a picture of me, a man, wearing a dress.

– “I’ll have to give this a view for sure, oh and I think on an episode of HTM you were on, I think the the red head actress chick said she had your Dracula ring. Lol I think. Anyway thanks for the review, I’ll definitely check it out. Keep it up man!”

Newt replies, “yea she does not talk to me anymore so guess i need to find a new one. maybe etsy has more”

Please feel sorry for me, guys.  Horseface McGee doesn’t talk to me any more.  I miss feeding her oats.  She’d eat them right from my hand.  She was so timid at first but once you gained her trust, she was a true friend.  Until I got fired for plagiarising multiple scripts for that company I can’t name.  

Let’s check out his Twitter.

https://twitter.com/stillnewtwallen/status/1486379054253101059

“#4yearsago original #sketch of #satansslumberparty #MoviePoster art. Written and rewritten this #80s #bmovie script a buncha times. But production finally starts this Spring #demons #sexy #indiehorror #mutantfam”

Can you cram a few more hashtags in there?  I’m almost able to understand what you’re writing.

What is he even talking about?  Is this a “movie” that he’s planning to film?  What a fucking disaster.  

You can DuckDuckGo this shit but there are already many, many other projects with the name “Satan’s Slumber Party”.  This guy can not come up with an original idea.  

 Here’s my idea for a movie: Big Tits Demon Birthday.  It’s about a a demon with big tits and all the sexy mischief that she gets up to on her birthday.  There’s going to be boobs and gore.  

I’ve just outlined an entire movie using the Newt Wallen method of filmmaking.  Just give me three days to write the script and we can start filming.  I have a budget of $5,000.  We’re going to need strippers and some small time local director of totally unknown Z-movies.  Oh, and a horseface woman.

https://twitter.com/stillnewtwallen/status/1486362461301354509

“From 4 years ago. The 1st sketch for #INFESTOIDS a very #80s #charlesband inspired #scifi #sexy #horror short #comicbook story. Back in Oct I changed the story up drastically and adapted into a screenplay”

It’s the same fucking shit.  Sexy horror movie premise that nobody gives a shit about.  This is not a fucking movie.  Or a comic book.  Tits and gore are ELEMENTS of a movie, not the movie itself.  There has to be a fucking story.  Write something, Newt.  Write a fucking movie script.  Something with character development.  Something that makes sense.  Something with a modicum or originality.

Fucking Shark Vampire.  Fuck off.

What’s the REASON why women are exposing their breasts and getting decapitated?  There has to be a compelling story.  It’s fundamental.  But that’s the part that’s missing from all of his horrendous movie and comic book ideas.  The story.  

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TbwBv_fWrI4

0:00 – He starts by saying that you can watch Swamp Zombies 2 on Tubi.  Swamp Zombies 2 is some movie that he allegedly wrote or something.  Oh, I’m just checking IMDB.  He also appears in the movie, as does the smoking hot Crystal Quin.  

So I go to Tubi and a message appears, “We are not available in Europe due to changes in EU laws.”  And people say that the European Union is a bad thing.  Right here, it’s protecting me from this no doubt horrendous movie.

1:00 – He holds up a signed poster of this Swamp Zombies 2 movie and then says, “You can see the Sharkula poster on my desktop because I was writing.”  You were able to see what was on his computer in the reflection of this framed poster.

So…he’s still writing for Shark Vampire.  He’s wasting his fucking time on this.  Nobody wants to see Shark Vampire.  It’s the world’s dumbest idea.  And apparently, somebody already did a Shark Vampire “movie” recently.  

1:15 – He takes a sip from something called Mosow Mule.  This is, apparently, an alcoholic beverage with a vodka base.  And his hands seem to be shaking.  Get it together, Newt.  

1:30 – He talks about Midnight Show, the “film” that he’s been making for the past ten years.

He claims that this “movie” is finally finished.

2:15 – He says that Crystal plays a “sexy zombie projectionist.”  

Well…a zombie projectionist, maybe.  Not sure about the adjective.  

5:00 – He’s telling a story about how he owned a comic book shop and the Blue Meanie would come in with Jasmyn St Claire, who I guess he was “dating” at the time.  Newt quickly says, in reference to Ms St Claire, “Who I didn’t know at the time was an adult film actress.”  Uh huh.

5:30 – When he found out, he said, “That’s super fucking cool.  Sex work is work, you know?”

Ummm…he’s a bigger scumbag than fucking Tony from Summarise the Movies.  No wonder they all hung out.  Like finds like.

6:30 – He says that in 2013/2014 he was moving “back” from Tuscon, Arizona.  He must be from New Jersey but lived in Tuscon for a while.  And he calls this the worst point in his life until “last October”.  So he’s still going on about getting fired from Screenwave Media.  You know…for something that he did.

It’s not like he got fired because he rejected sexual advances from Ryan or something.  I could see being down about that.  It’s not fair.  You shouldn’t get fired for that.  That situation shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

But he got fired because he plagiarised some scripts.  That’s a fair firing.  My only issue is that he was the only one who received any negative repercussions from this.  

7:00 – Newt starts talking about past trauma and whatnot that apparently caused him to…I don’t even know.  I don’t want to misrepresent what he’s saying.  

8:15 – So he kept contacting the guy who made the first Swamp Zombies movie asking if he could write the sequel.  Newt met this guy…I’m not really sure where.  It was somehow through the Blue Meanie and Jasmyn St Claire when Newt owned the comic store.  I think that the comic store was in New Jersey but maybe it was in Tuscon.  Who the fuck knows?

9:15 – So he pitched this idea of a sequel and he said that he wanted it to be an “anti-sequel” like Gremlins 2.  You know…that movie that everybody hates.  Then he says that his idea was that the movie was also going to be like Robocop, Assault on Precinct 13, Escape from New York, The Running Man, and Smash TV (the video game).

Hey…Mr Ideas Man…get your own fucking ideas.  This is ridiculous.  

I had a philosophy professor who, as some kind of little classroom stunt, said that he would give anyone an “A” in the class if they ever came up with an original idea.  So people would try and he’d always shoot them down.  “God is a woman”, was one of the attempts.  That idea has been done a billion times before so that person didn’t get the automatic “A”.

Anyway, Newt…simply combining existing movies does not create a new movie.  Original ideas.  That’s what we need.  Not fucking Shark Vampire.  We want something NEW.  Not a combination of existing shit.  

One of the boys on Reddit found an old tweet by Newt wherein Newt boasted that he wrote a different script for the AVGN Movie that he showed to Jimmy but Jimmy rejected the script.  Later, Jimmy, allegedly, said that he wished he would have gone with Newt’s script instead.

Then somebody on Reddit replies suggesting that the script was just the script to Schinlder’s List.

10:00 – He’s talking about actors who he had available to him for this movie.  “I knew that I had Mr Lobo who just knocks it out of the fucking park every time I give him something.”

Yes.  Mr Lobo.  That great thespian.  I saw the trailer of this movie and it had Mr Lobo in it and he was horrible.  He was the worst.  Totally camp, hammy acting.

10:15 – “I wrote 90 pages in three and a half days.”

Uh huh.  How many of those pages were good?  My guess: zero.

Anybody can write 90 pages of crap in three days.  It’s not going to be good.  

12:00 – The guy making the movie took Newt’s script, that he wrote in three days, and said that he wanted a nerdy computer hacker character in it.  Instead, Newt gave this part to his “friend” Horseface McGee.  

Newt spent $2000 so that the guy making the movie could stay in a hotel.  This money also went towards gas money for the actors and crew.  

Is this normally the responsibility of the writer?  They have to pay the expenses of the director, actors, and crew?  What the fuck is this?

Then he says that he actually ended up spending $5,000 on this.

Newt…you’re the writer.  They’re supposed to be paying YOU.  Am I missing something?

14:00 – He got into an argument with the director because the director wanted to make changes to Newt’s script and Newt’s professional integrity was too high to accept that.  You know…for this script that he shat out in three days.

Also, a lot of the people in the movie weren’t actors. 

16:00 – He says that he only made this movie to hang out with Crystal Quin, who he thought was losing interest in him.  That’s some of the most pathetic shit I’ve ever heard in my life.  Horseface fucking McGee.  I’d spend $5,000 to never have to see her again.

16:45 – He laments the strippers who didn’t show up for the shoot.  He wanted more nudity in the film.

17:00 – Then he starts giving a sob story about how his father never said, “I’m proud of you, son” like it’s some fucking Quaker Oats commercial.  So that’s why he’s so interested in seeking attention.  Or something.

Then he says that that’s why he did the project.  Because his father never expressed his great pride in him.  But two minutes earlier, he said that he did the project because he wanted to hang out with Horseface McGee.

This is all bullshit.  He did this shitty movie, based on a script that he wrote in three days, because he wanted to make a movie.  Even a bad movie.  Because that’s the only kind of movie that he can make.  He can’t write.  He doesn’t have any good ideas.  That’s the reality.

It’s like there aren’t other jobs out there.  This guy is not a creative genius.  None of these people are.  None of the people in Newt’s orbit have any talent whatsoever.  Not Mr Lobo, not Horseface Mcgee, not the director of this movie, not Tony from Hack the Movies, not Justin Silverman, not Kieran, not James Rolfe.  So why do these people continue to make shitty “movies”?  Do something else.  You clearly have no talent for this.

It’s not a criticism of you as a person.  I’m trying to be helpful.  This is not for you.  Fucking Shark Vampire.  Come on.  How many seconds did it take you to come up with that one?  And this is his best fucking idea.

19:45 – “I was always kind of selling it on wanting to spend time with my…friend [Crystal Quin] and obviously her sex appeal helped as well.”

Eugh.  We’re talking about Horseface McGee, right?  Is this the only woman who Newt has ever seen?  This is fucking demented.  I’m sorry.  He needs to quit this shit right now and just find a regular job.  He has one.  He’s working at the movie theatre.  Fine.  Do that.  Enough with these “cringy” Youtube videos and all the hairbrained movie and comic book half-ideas that he has.

20:45 – He says that he got offended people said that they didn’t like the movie.  He continues that he understands why they wouldn’t like it.  He describes the movie as “cheesy”.  That’s one way to put it.  I’d compare it to a different substance.  He also says that the film’s budget was $5000 so…that $5000 that he spent…that was the entire budget.  Why did Newt pay for all of this?  He was the writer.  

Anyway, then he says, “I made a movie.  I made a feature.  Where’s yours?”

Where it belongs, Newt.  Safely locked up in my list of things that I’m never going to do and have no interest in doing.  That’s where Swamp Zombies 2 belongs.  

Don’t release dogshit into the world.  Don’t spend $5,000 of your own money to make dogshit.  

If you have a good idea and think that you can make a good movie, maybe pursue that.  Maybe.  But you knew that this was a piece of shit from the beginning.  So why do it?  Can’t you think of better things to spend $5000 on?  Don’t you have better things to do with your time?

21:45 – “People who get it, like it.”

Really.  Show me the Swamp Zombies 2 fanatics.  I’d like to have a discussion with them.

And wait a minute.  Newt apparently bankrolled this entire project.  So why was the director able to change so much of the script?  Newt was, I guess, the producer.  Whatever.

23:15 – “I learned a lot that I can use for the next one.”

Please god no.  Just stop this.

I don’t even care that he spent $5000 on a piece of shit movie, that he wrote in three days, that he knew was bad.  If he wants to be proud of that, fine.  He made something.  It’s a piece of shit.  But it’s there and if you want to watch a piece of shit, it’s available.  Unless you live in Europe.

But don’t waste any more time, effort, and money on these shitty projects.  What’s the point?  To hang out with some other ugly skank, for money?  This is pathetic.

23:45 – Now he’s talking about Shark Dracula and apparently he was actively working on a movie for Shark Dracula.  And people wanted to change the script to Shark Dracula and he didn’t like that.  His Shark Dracula script, that he probably spent three days on, is perfect the way it is.

Oh, and you know what they wanted to take out?  “The B-movie elements” which he describes as, “The boobs and the gore.”

Just get a girlfriend, Newt.  You don’t have to keep paying to see women’s breasts.  Just take a woman out to dinner a few times.  Have her get to know you.  Show her your sparkling personality.  

And you know what women like?  Men with jobs.  Real jobs.  Not this Youtube shit or fake movie writer shit.  Real jobs.  The movie theatre job is fine.  Stick with that and find a woman on Tinder.  It’s not hard.

So he got really upset with these people who wanted the nudity and violence taken out of the movie.  Why?  Is that all his script is?  It probably is.  He can’t write for shit.  I’m sorry.  He can’t write and he doesn’t have an original idea in his head.  

25:00 – “The movie started because I wanted to spend time with certain people.”

This is like the fourth time that he said this.  He wanted to spend time with that fucking horseface woman.  We get it.  What about making your father proud?  That went out the window, I guess.  It was all about Horseface McGee.

25:30 – “It’s cool that a no talent asshole from South Jersey can rally a bunch of his friends together like The Little Rascals and put on a fucking show.”

But it’s trash.  It was written in three days.  It cost you $5,000 and you say repeatedly that it wasn’t your vision.  The director changed a lot.  

And your vision was just more tits and gore.  This is what you think a movie is.  Tits and gore.  And shark vampires.  Nobody wants to see that.  

25:45 – Now he’s talking about the work that he did for Shark Exorcist 2.  Again with the shark monsters.   This is garbage.  

Horseface was in this movie but her scenes had to be removed because she doesn’t want to be associated with anything Newt does any more.  I don’t think that the movie industry works that way but whatever.

26:30 – “There’s no such thing as, ‘You’re wasting your time’.  No, it’s not because everything is about getting yourself out there and showing people that you’re willing to work and that you want to have a good time and that you want to make fun schlock.”

Really?  That’s how the film industry works?  “Well, as long as you want to have fun…you’re hired.  We don’t care that you have absolutely no talent.  Shark Vampire?  Sounds good.  Here’s a cheque for $10 million  Cast that horseface woman for the starring role..”

26:45 – I want to create fun B movies.  I want to make the kind of stuff that 13 year old me would have fucking dug at a sleepover or whatever.  If you would have shown me this movie when I was a kid…it starts with tits.  It starts with fucking tits.  You know, it’s got gore in it.”

We know.  We know all of that, Newt.  You’ve said as much many times already.  But that doesn’t make it a good movie.  There were no gore or tits in Citizen Kane.  Make something good or do something else with your life.  Tits and gore does not a good film make.

27:15 – “I’m never going to win any awards but I don’t want to win awards.”

Why not?  Why not strive to make something good.  Because he knows that he can’t.  So why continue with this pointless pursuit?  Why continue to release garbage into the world?

27:45 – “I want to leave something behind.”

You are.  Poop.  

Swamp Zombies 2 isn’t exactly the Sistine Chapel.  

You can find satisfaction in life through being in a relationship, maybe having children, finding a job that you like, finding a hobby that you enjoy.  Whatever.  I don’t think that releasing trash films is going to fill any void in his life.  

28:00 – He’s talking about how much he misses his loser friends from Screenwave.  Yet again.  Especially Horseface McGee.  

“By the way, I know that I keep mentioning Crystal in this one and I haven’t before.  Please don’t blame her for the reason why I’m not on the other show any more.”

Wait…what?  I’m no fan of Horseface McGee but it never even occurred to me to blame her for that one.  YOU’RE to blame.  You’re the one who did the plagiarising.  What the fuck is this?  How is Horseface McGee at all involved?

28:30 – He says that he recently talked to Ms McGee again.  

29:00 – “I’ve seen more people blaming her for things and don’t do that.  It’s not fair.”

Who is doing that?  Who is blaming Crystal Quin for Newt getting fired?  Nobody is doing that.  Not one fucking person.  It doesn’t even make sense.  My understanding is that she just works there.  She’s no in charge of hiring or firing anyone.  It was Justin who said that somebody was going to get fired over this.  Presumably, he’s to blame, in that sense.  But again, Newt was the one who did the plagiarising.  

30:00 – Now he’s talking about how proud he is of himself and psychotherapy and whatnot.

I’m reminded of Sigmund Freud and his concept of pride of production.  This is the theoretical stage of development where toddlers take pride in their toilet droppings.  

You see it in adults as well.  After you drop a giant load, you’re sort of impressed.  

You also see with childbirth.  Women will compare the size of babies when they were born.  “Oh, your baby was five pounds.  That’s nothing.  My baby was eight pounds.”  Same concept.  They’re proud that this big thing came out of them and the bigger the better.

So this is Newt.  He wants to release the biggest piece of shit that the world has ever seen.  That’s going to be his legacy.  A giant turd.

31:00 – He’s listing his recent achievements and he notes that “Nadia White, the adult film actress” is in one of these productions that ‘s involved in.  This goes back to his idea of what a good movie is: tits and gore.  He’s so grossly misguided that…I don’t even…well, it’s good that he’s speaking to a psychiatrist, I guess.

34:00 – He encourages us to watch the movie and “Tell me the good things that you liked about it: sexy girls and fun gore.”

Again…Newt…this is not my idea of a good movie.  It’s not anyone’s idea of a good movie.  

I had to turn this off.  It got too uncomfortable.

Comments are all “cringe.”