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Is Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness on N64 just misunderstood? – Erin Plays
Oh, it’s Erin’s bi-monthly video. What a treat. And she’s going to set all of us gaming noobs straight on Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness. It’s not a bad game. It’s just misunderstood. Let’s watch a pro fucking gamer like Erin Plays explain the reasons why.
She played the game on stream, for money. That’s it. That’s her only experience with the game. It’s preposterous. Why is she presenting herself as an expert on the game? Why is she making videos about games at all?
0:00 – Oh, she’s using that Famicom disc intro. Because Erin is a big Famicom fan. She’s also trying to sell her “merch” which, inexplicably, has this same image on it. Fucking Bitch Duo made this. For free. You get what you pay for.
She’s showing footage of her playing the game on stream, for money. That’s what this video is going to be? Just a rehash of her fucking stream?
“The first time I ever played regular Castlevania 64 was on stream.”
WHAT? It’s a Christmas miracle! Erin finally said it! She’s being truthful for once in her fucking life.
That’s some top, Erin. Raided your grandmother’s closet?
0:30 – “If you don’t know already…” and then she starts reading from Wikipedia dot com. Wonderful stuff, Erin.
She’s just showing footage of her streams, of course. This is all that the video is going to be. Her fake carpal tunnel syndrome only allows her to play games on stream, for money now. Never on Youtube.
So I’m at the ten minute mark. This is boring as fuck. She’s just talking about what happens in the game level by level. Who cares?
She also hasn’t said the word “cute” even once so far. Or talked about colours that she likes. What’s going on here?
14:15 – “Gnarliest”.
Like whoa…remember in the 1980s when California surfer talk was all the rage in Hollywood movies? Erin is bringing it back. Radical.
Oh god is this tedious. She’s giving pro tips on how to beat the end boss. Pro tips that she fully admits she got from the horntards during her stream.
18:30 – Shout out to Rainbow Brite. You guys remember Rainbow Brite, right? That doll for girls in like 1984? Well, Erin, who was born in 1986 or 1987 is all about Rainbow Brite.
So that’s the video. It was just boring. Really boring. She took footage from her streams and summarised what happens, level by level.
At least she was honest in this video, saying that she only plays the game on stream, for money. At least she said that about Castlevania 64. It was implied that it’s the same situation for Legacy of Darkness. And she didn’t make her usual idiotic comments about how everything is cute and colours that she enjoys.
I think that Erin said on Twitter that this is her best video yet. Oh, yeah. Here it is.
She’s probably right. Everything that I’ve been complaining about for years, she’s resolved. But still, the video boring as fuck. She can’t fix the negative charisma problem. Or the total lack of knowledge, experience, or interest in video games. Plus, this was just lazy as fuck footage from her streams.
Shishi leaves a comment disputing that it’s her best video. He suggests that her video on Lunchables was better. What a pathetic loser Shishi is.
Let’s check out the Youtube comments for anything interesting.
No. Nothing. Even the comments are boring.
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Lets Make cookies and talk about Black Christmas – Newt Wallen
Oh, this is…Tony from Hack the Movies doesn’t have shit on this. Newt has outdone himself.
He has a fat chick with purple hair in a “sexy” dress. And when I say that she’s fat, I’m talking Justin Silverman levels of obesity. Maybe even bigger.
And then that tatted up old prostitute who Newt pays to hang out with him enters. This is going to be something special.
Newt is wearing a Bartman t-shirt from like thirty years ago.
What’s the video about? Who gives a shit. Just lay it on me, Ideas Man. You have my full attention.
The prostitute introduces herself as Fallon. The fat chick is Sophie. It seems to be a genuine woman. I was concerned for a minute, given the sort of people that Newt hangs around with, that this might be a man in a dress. But no, it’s either a woman or a man with a convincing feminine voice. And she looks feminine. Just…corpulent.
They’re from something called Haunted Attraction. Newt asks where they can find them. The prostitute says, “We’re going to be on the Schlock and Awe channel right here on Youtube.”
So…what? What is this? It’s some kind of faction within Schlock and Awe? Why? It doesn’t make any sense. Why give a name to this?
It would be like if Johanna and Horseface teamed together and called themselves, whatever, The Revolting Fansly Twins. And Tony would introduce them as The Revolting Fansly Twins. And when asked where we can find more Revolting Fansly Twins content, Johanna would say, “Right here on Hack the Movies.”
0:15 – “So today, I am at Haunted Attraction’s HQ.”
What is any of this? All of this was created by Newt. I guess. For these two skanks to appear in his shitty videos. Why are they being presented as their own thing? It doesn’t make any fucking sense.
The prostitute is regularly demeaning Newt. She called him an elf and she complained that he took a drink of eggnog without toasting first. This is uncomfortable. I don’t want to watch this. I’m not even a minute in. I don’t want to watch some creepy dominatrix emasculating Newt. I mean…maybe some people are into that but not me.
And there’s really weird lighting or something in this. Everybody looks strange. I think that this was done to make this prostitute look younger. Maybe there’s a filter on the camera or something.
Bad audio on this too. I can barely hear this fat chick. Maybe that’s a good thing.
2:45 – So anyway, nobody except Newt has even seen this movie. So the prostitute tells Newt to give a synopsis. Great stuff, Newt. This is what people want to see. A movie review from three scumbags where only one of the scumbags actually saw the film.
This is so fucking terrible. Now I have to listen to Newt summarise the fucking movie.
3:15 – Newt says, in reference to some movie, “It’s the first boobs I ever saw in school.”
We get it, Newt. Tits and gore. And none of these women who Newt has on these videos is ever in any way impressed with his tits and gore stories. They’re always visibly put off by this shit. Just like these skanks. It’s gross. We don’t fucking care about your adolescent jerk off stories. We don’t want to hear this shit. And women in particular don’t want to hear about hot chicks who you jacked off to.
It makes people uncomfortable. Women in particular. Do you think that that fat chick feels good about her body? She’s doing her best to appear confident, she squeezed into an XL size dress when she’s actually an XXXL, but no. She doesn’t want to hear about hot chicks with big tits when she’s over there weighing fucking 400 pounds. It’s bad enough that she has to sit next to this tatted up old prostitute with her big fake tits.
This whole thing is disturbing. Why were these two even paired up? I bet that this old prostitute intentionally chose a fat chick as some kind of sick joke and to make herself look better by comparison.
What happened to that fucking soccer mom who was in, like, the pilot version of Haunted…whatever this is called? Where did she go?
3:30 – The prostitute says, “You hate Christmas because of boobs?” And then Newt says, “No. I hate Christmas because…” and he starts talking about his cancer diagnosis and getting “dumped”. Nobody wants to hear this. This is not how you pick up the ladies.
He’s PAYING these women and they don’t even want to be there. Right now they’re re-considering this whole thing. Is it worth the $100 or whatever Newt is paying to have to endure Newt Wallen and his creepy comments for thirty minutes? And you have to appear in a Youtube video that the whole world can see?
4:30 – Newt is sort of quoting from some movie. “‘I’m going to lick your pretty pink pussy’ and stuff.”
Everybody is clearly uncomfortable. Then Newt makes a joke to the prostitute, “I get calls from you all the time like that.”
Then Newt says that his pussy isn’t pink, it’s teal. Then he mentions a joke that he heard on The Office about a man with blue urine.
What the fuck is he doing? THIS IS NOT HOW YOU PICK UP CHICKS.
Newt is paying these women. That’s the only reason why they haven’t left already. But even with the payment, this is not how you speak to women. Women don’t want to hear this disgusting, weird, perverted shit. And they certainly don’t want to hear these comments in regards to OTHER WOMEN.
Saying creepy shit to a woman like, “Oh, I’d like to motorboat those big melons of yours” MIGHT work in certain circumstances, depending what you look like, depending what the woman looks like, whatever. There are a lot of variables.
But what will NEVER work, for ANYONE, is saying creepy shit about OTHER women. “Look at the juggs on that chick. I want to dip them in honey.” No woman is going to be remotely turned on by that. It’s going to be a huge turn off. Do I really need to explain this? Newt is over 40 years old.
7:00 – So now Newt has finished summarising the movie, I guess, I wasn’t really listening, and he hands over to this fat chick. The fat chick saw a different movie in this series. So she’s going to summarise the movie now. Riveting stuff.
9:00 – Now they’re decorating cookies. No set up.
Then the fat chick says some sexual stuff…I won’t even…eugh…then the prostitute encourages this…then Newt says some creepy shit and the ladies are really turned off by that.
This is horrible. Everything about this is horrible.
I can’t. I’m at 12:00. This prostitute is TERRIBLE. I can’t take it. I can’t take her lame jokes. I can’t take her “too cool for school” patronising bullshit. I’m turning this shit off. Newt. This is awful. Don’t fucking pursue this for one more second.
Apparently, Newt is working in movie theatres again. He’s made passing comments along these lines in recent videos. Stick with that. Do that full time. Forget these fucking videos. Forget your awful comic book and movie ideas. Everything that you create is shit. I’m sorry. I wish that I could say something more encouraging but this is the reality.
Get a full-time job in a movie theatre and stop all of this other bullshit. You’re wasting your time and money on this objectively unwatchable shit.
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LIFE UPDATE – FACE REVEAL (?!?!) CAT REVEAL, and STUDIO TOUR! – PushingUpRoses
This fucking lunatic. She has the hair of Erin Plays, the face of Crystal Quin, the mental illness of Bobdunga, and the body of Justin Silverman.
I rarely talk about this woman because she’s fucking infuriating. She’s the worst person I’ve ever seen on Youtube. She’s completely repellent both physically and in terms of her personality.
0:15 – She moved. That’s why she didn’t upload anything that month. But she did find time to do a Q&A video for Patrons only. So she invites you to subscriber to her Patreon (i.e. give her money).
“If you’re interested in becoming a Patron and support me…and help me through this insanely expensive move, insanely expensive, that would be great.”
What about getting a job? Have you considered that? That’s what most people do when they need money. They don’t beg mentally retarded men for money.
And how can a move be expensive? I’ve moved many times. I hire a man with a van or even a big moving truck. It costs £100 tops. You don’t have to do shit. The guy does everything. He moves everything into the van or the truck. Sometimes he has an assistant. I always help but it’s not required. It’s £100. That’s like $120. And it can be as little as half that amount.
How much is a similar service costing in the US? I’ve looked at a few threads on Reddit just now. Maybe $200 is average for moving within Chicago. PushingUpRoses lives in Chicago. That’s “insanely expensive”? Go get a fucking job.
2:30 – “As some of you guys already know, I am a featured artist in the Andersonville Galleria.”
Let me look this up.
It’s a shop. Anyone can open a little stall there. There’s a section called “Meet our vendors”. That’s what these people are. Vendors. Not artists. And anyone can do this. There’s a form on the website that you have to fill out. Then you probably have to pay money. That’s it. And she’s not even listed on this vendor page. This video is five months old so maybe she couldn’t afford to pay for the stall any more.
“I would like to get my stuff more around Chicago. You know, become a cool Chicago artist.”
Well, I think that you can really only open one stall at a time. Unless you hire somebody to man your other stalls. And I don’t think that you have money for that. You couldn’t even afford movers.
It’s completely delusional. She’s not an “artist”. I’ve seen this “spin art” that she does. It’s something a child would create in a third grade art class. She drips paint on a spinning canvas. That’s it. That’s the “art”.
https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/DysmorphicArt
There’s her Etsy store. “DysmorphicArt”. Because she has “body dysmorphia”, as she’ll remind you every five minutes or so.
So…like she thinks that she’s fat. No. That’s not body dysmorphia. That’s body accuracy. She’s dead on. She IS fat.
3:45 – “I love living in the city. I love living in a progressive part of the neighbourhood.”
What a scumbag. WHO CARES about the political beliefs of your yuppie neighbours?
4:00 – Now she’s showing her “studio”. It’s where she makes that “art” on the spinning canvas. I guess that it’s just a room in her apartment.
She starts by showing her neighbour’s birds. Her neighbours have birds in an “outdoor/indoor aviary”.
5:30 – She’s talking about finding a more appropriate place to record videos where she appears on camera, “In case I feel better about my BBD”.
See? She mentions this “body dysmorphia” CONSTANTLY. But it’s not body dysmorphia. SHE’S FAT! Body dysmorphia, in this case, would be if she thought that she was slim.
And she posts “sexy” pictures of herself CONSTANTLY on Twitter and Instagram and whatever. REVOLTING “sexy” pictures.
6:00 – She shows a stuffed sloth that her boyfriend won for her in some claw game. The fact that this woman has a boyfriend really shows how easy it is for women to get boyfriends. She’s fucking rock bottom. No job. Seriously mental ill. And fucking look at her. Some guy looked at all of that and said, “Ehh…I’ll take it.”
How difficult do you think it would be for an obese, mentally ill, unemployed man to get a date with a woman? It would be fucking impossible.
6:45 – She shows her cat. She mentions that it’s a “rescue”. That’s very important information. She loves…what’s it called…when you have to announce all of your “progressive” views and whatnot. I can’t remember.
7:00 – She attached pillow cases to her wall in an effort to “sound proof” the room. Pillow cases. Small, decorative pillow cases.
What the fuck? This is…this is mental illness.
7:45 – She’s showing a homemade sign that says “Subscribe to PushingUpRoses”. The “H” and “I” are missing. Then she says, “I try to be really humble as a Youtuber, but of course I had to do this.”
First of all, where is the humility? Every video is just about herself and how awesome and funny and hot and progressive she is. Even the videos about Murder She Wrote.
Secondly, why wouldn’t she be humble about being a “Youtuber”? “Youtuber”, for 99.99% of “Youtubers” is just a euphemism for “unemployed”. It’s nothing to aspire to. I don’t admire any “Youtubers”.
How much is she making from this shit? Let me check SocialBlade.
About $13,000/year. What are the yearly earnings to be considered impoverished in the US? Oh, I found a helpful chart.
https://aspe.hhs.gov/topics/poverty-economic-mobility/poverty-guidelines/prior-hhs-poverty-guidelines-federal-register-references/2021-poverty-guidelines
For a single person, living alone, if you’re making $12,880/year or less, you’re considered living in poverty.
That seems EXTREMELY low to me. But she’s just barely above that. So congratulations, PushingUpRoses. You’re just barely above the poverty level. Be sure to remain humble. Don’t let all of this success go to your head.
8:00 – She’s showing her new easel. “I’ve been doing art since I was 10 and I’ve never owned an easel.”
Well, when you’re doing fucking finger painting and similar levels of “art”, you don’t need an easel.
9:30 – She’s showing her messy room and says, “I know it’s random but I’m an artist so I can be random, right?”
You’re not an artist. You drip paint on a spinning canvas. Any toddler can do that. But even if you were an artist, that does not excuse the fact that you’re living in filth.
Then she ends the video by encouraging us to “stay spooky”. Ummm…okay. I will. Whatever that means.
- “Them things are lovely…i’d pay an only fans just to see it once”
It’s vile. Who the fuck would want to see this woman naked? I don’t want to be offensive but…fucking look at her.
Let’s check out her Twitter…if I can stand it.
Eugh. Her banner has a drawing of an angry girl and the words “fuck depression” on it. It’s all about her. Everything has to be about her and her mental health.
And there’s a disgusting picture of her in bondage gear.
She gives her pronouns as “she/her/they”. Well…this might be the first time that I agree with using “they” for somebody. This is a “they”. Or an “it”.
Fuck off. She’s having a panic attack so she’s on Twitter. More “look at me, I’m a crazy person” bullshit. And she posted that on Christmas Day.
She posts pictures of herself, pictures so disgusting that I won’t subject you to them, she says that she’s unhappy with the way she looks in the pictures, and then she immediately re-tweets compliments that the horntards give her on these pictures.
That’s what this is about. She just wants compliments. But fucking look at her.
You’re an unattractive, middle-aged woman. Who cares? There’s more to life than appearance. Work on your fucking abysmal personality.
This is the same syndrome that Horseface has. Looks like shit, thinks that she’s a hot chick, and has a horrible personality. Just work on being a better person. Appearance isn’t important.
Somebody writes, “She’s a hateful woman, you don’t need any reason to not support an artist but if you did that right there is a good one.” PushingUpRoses replies, “Absolutely. Some artists make it easier to not want to support them, and if you don’t want to support them anymore, you should be able to express that without the artist themself coming for you. It’s weird.”
I don’t know who they’re talking about but it might as well be about PushingUpRoses. She’s awful. She’s an awful person. So don’t give this woman money.
Oh. They were talking about JK Rowling. Yeah. It’s terrible that she said that men in dresses aren’t women.
I….eww. A garbage bag full of rancid meat.
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Erin’s 2022 Youtube Output
https://www.youtube.com/@ErinPlays/videos
According to her Twitter, she’s working on another video that may be out before the end of the year. It’s a video about a Castlevania game. That’s some riveting fucking stuff, Erin. But I’m calling an end to the year right here.
Eight videos. She made eight videos this year.
In case anybody is new here, Erin used to release one video a week. Fifty-two videos a year. For 2022, she released EIGHT videos.
The channel is done. Let’s see what these eight videos were about. I’ll link to my full review after each summary.
Bizarre Bootleg NES Console with Over 400 Games
She played a handful of these games, briefly, for the purposes of this video and then never again. And it was well short of the 400 games that this thing allegedly has.
Trash Bags FULL of NES Games
Extremely lazy video where she went through Mike’s video game collection, that just happened to be in trash bags for storage purposes. She sits on the floor, goes through the cartridges, and says, “This game looks cute. I like the font colour on this game.” Shit like this. Unbelievably bad video, even by Erin’s standards.
Ten Awesome Enemies from Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow
Just ten random enemies in the game. Not the top ten, of course. Erin doesn’t do top ten videos. Not expressly by name, anyway. She just does ten random whatever videos. So she’ll show an enemy and say, “This guy is cute.” This sort of thing.
BAD NES Games in 30 Seconds
This was her attempt to capitalise on the early James Rolfe video called “Bad NES Games” or something.
Erin’s video is so fucking bad that I couldn’t even watch it. It’s Mike saying the name of the game (that Erin played on stream, for money) and then Erin has to do a 30 second “review” of the game just off the top of her head. And Erin has absolutely no capacity for this. She has negative charisma, knows nothing about video games, and can’t speak. Fuck this shit.
Playdate Review
It’s an ad. Erin was given this thing in exchange for doing a video on it. She plays the games briefly, for the purposes of this video, and then never again. She can’t even figure out how the first game works.
Five BAD Games from Ocean Software
Another bizarre attempt to cash in on that video that James Rolfe made like 15 years ago.
It’s just five random games from this developer. And I don’t even think that it’s Erin playing these games. Mike had played a lot of these games on stream, for money. I think that it’s just footage from his streams. But it’s negative charisma Erin talking about these five random games for like 90 seconds each.
Five BAD Games from Hi-Tech Expressions
Same exact video as the previous one, same problems, but a different developer.
10 Spooky Levels from Non-Horror Games
She talks about cute enemies in ten random games and her usual braindead bullshit.
That’s it. This was her output for 2022.
She didn’t review a single fucking game. That used to be her thing. Reviewing games. She’d review some old NES game or something. The “reviews” were absolute dogshit but it was a relative golden age in Erin’s Youtube career.
Now it’s just absolute rock-bottom, lazy content. Compilation shit where it’s not even her playing the games.
Carpal tunnel syndrome will be her excuse. But it’s all complete bullshit. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her hands and/or wrists. This is just another one of her many, many lies. Bad lies. I should do a compilation video of Erin’s lies. Not her top ten lies but just ten random lies.
The channel is done. There’s no question of that. Let’s see what she’s making on SocialBlade.
She’s making about $450/year from Youtube. That works out to $37/month. It’s an all-time low. At least from the past three years or whatever that I’ve been covering Erin.
When I started, the joke was that she was making fifty bucks a month from Youtube. I based this figure on what SocialBlade said. But then gradually, she started making more.
There’s the first article that I can find where I look at Erin’s channel on SocialBlade. This was in April, 2020. She was making about $100/month at this point.
In March 2021, I did this exercise again. She was making a whopping $275/month at this point. Not bad. It’s almost as much money as a child’s part-time paper route job might pay.
I didn’t do this for 2022, unless you include this article right here. She’s making $37/month from Youtube. That would be a child’s allowance. Possibly only if they did all of their chores. Erin is making pocket money. She’s 35 years old.
There’s perhaps the most important piece of investigative journalism that I’ve ever done. There was a leak of Twitch data and it showed how much money people made. Erin made $6,900 in one year on Twitch. This was in 2020. Is she still streaming as much as she was in 2020? I assume not. “Carpal tunnel”.
She has 72,000 subscribers. According to the “future projections” page, she’ll get 100,000 subscribers in 2026. When I looked at SocialBlade in 2020, the “future projections” page said that she’d get to 100,000 in 2024. The date was pushed back because her channel has self-destructed.
She’s making nothing. It’s a joke. A sad joke. A joke about a woman who has totally wasted her life.
Every year that goes by makes it that much more difficult to re-enter the workforce. But it’s not like it’s impossible. Plenty of women take years off from work to raise their children. Erin wasn’t raising any children, she was getting fucked in the ass for Youtube promotion, but it’s a similar (although less rewarding) premise.
Just go back to California and send some resumes out. DON’T put “Youtube content creator” on your resume. Because then people might ask to see the videos and you don’t want that. If somebody asks why there’s a five year gap in your resume, just say that you took time off to raise a child. It’s fine. People will understand. And nobody is going to check. They’re not going to ask for proof that you have a child.
Maybe getting married might be an idea. I don’t think that this sugar daddy thing with Mike is the healthiest way to go. I’m talking about getting into a real relationship, not some prostitute shit. Try it out. You might like it.
But marriage shouldn’t be the goal to financial stability because that’s pretty shady. Getting a job should be the goal. Be able to support yourself.
The jobs are out there. And working isn’t so bad. Even if it’s Walmart or a record store or whatever, it’s a job. You’re making money. And when the job gets too soul destroying, look for another job. This is how things work. You don’t have to do the same shitty job for the rest of your life. Opportunities present themselves. You can stumble into a better job. But you have to be actively engaged in the employment market for any of this to happen. Not sitting in Mike’s fucking bathtub and crying.
So it could be a good sign that Erin is winding down her “career” as an internet “celebrity”. Maybe she’s going to make some big changes in her life. I’m all for it. I welcome the day when Erin just shuts all of her shit down and we never hear about her again. Not in a mean-spirited way, but it would mean that hopefully she’s getting her life together. She’s working. She doesn’t have to prey on the mentally challenged for thirty-five bucks a month. I want Erin to be a confident, independent woman.
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My First Apartment in England
After about four to six months of living in hostels, I finally found a place to live. It was a dilapidated flat (apartment) in an impoverished area of London (Tower Hamlets). It was a tower block and it had construction scaffolding all around it but I don’t know what, if anything, was being repaired.
I shared the place with a guy from the Czech Republic, two women from Eastern Europe who I didn’t see much of so don’t know much about, and a guy from Lithuania. I shared a room with this guy from the Czech Republic, the two women shared a room, and the guy from Lithuania had his own room.
I don’t remember anyone’s names so apologies for referring to them by their nationality. The Czech guy, who I shared the room with, was fine. He was a nice guy. He worked at Starbucks or something. He would bring doughnuts home on a semi-regular basis. He’d get them for free after work.
I didn’t have a blanket when I moved in so he gave me the blanket that his previous roommate had. I still have this blanket and still use it today.
So there’s no problem from my end. I liked him and he was a pleasant guy. But he HATED living with me. I’m a reserved guy at the best of times. And at the time, I wasn’t working and I was in a precarious situation. So I didn’t want to fucking have chit chat and pretend that everything is great. I was embarrassed and stressed out about not being able to find a job and I really hated not only having to share an apartment but having to share the room. I’m just not that kind of person. I’m not some bubbly, “Hey, let’s go hang out and go drinking” kind of guy. I’m a “Hey, I’d like to to be left alone” kind of guy.
This guy, like many others, hated that shit like poison. But it was nothing personal against him.
That’s the way that people take it, though. I’ve had this problem for many years. It’s not as bad now because I’ve worked on it but it was a huge problem for a long time. People say, “Why isn’t this guy talking to me? Is there something wrong with me? He must not like me” when what they should have been saying is, “This guy just isn’t interested in talking. It’s his problem.”
So one of the women moved out maybe a week or two after I moved in. I assume that it was coincidental because I don’t even remember seeing her.
But when she moved out, this Czech guy moved in with the other woman. That wasn’t coincidental. He didn’t want to share the room with me. He was still friendly to me but he clearly didn’t like me, which is fine, and I get it.
So then an Italian guy moved in. He became my new roommate. He was a graduate student or whatever the equivalent is. Some IT shit.
He was fine. We got along. We even went out for drinks a few times. He knew some women from Hungary and they were visiting. And the chubby one liked me. She kept trying to talk to me and I was doing my usual awkward thing. But she kept persisting so we all went out. I don’t know. I wasn’t remotely charming but we talked. She told me about Hungary or whatever and I told her about the difficulties in finding employment. And then that was that. They went back to Hungary.
This Italian guy was really talkative and knew a lot of people so it helped. He took dance lessons not because he was interested in dancing but as a way to pick up the ladies. So this sort of thing.
The Lithuanian guy was an asshole. He worked as a waiter. He had a few tattoos on his hands that the Czech guy said were from prison. I don’t know what he was in prison for but he would often make some odd comments about young girls.
We were all in our mid-20s except for the Lithuanian guy who was in his early to mid-30s. He had the lease to the place and he sub-let the place to everyone else. We all paid £50/week. So he was getting £800/month from the four of us.
He paid nothing in rent. Rent was probably £700/month. He was making money off of this.
Utilities weren’t included so we also had to pay £10 periodically. He would just come in and say that he needs £10. I don’t remember the frequency. Again, he probably contributed nothing to the cost of the utilities.
He was also drunk all the time. He would wake up and start drinking. Every day. He worked nights.
The other Eastern European woman moved out after she had a dispute with this guy over the cleanliness of the sink. This Lithuanian guy told her that she left a mess in the sink, she disagreed, they started yelling about it, and she moved out.
This all happened within the first three or four weeks of me moving in. Both of these women left within three or four weeks.
So now this Italian guy decided that he wanted to move in with this Czech guy, partly because I’m not a fun person to be around but also this Czech guy was vociferously lobbying for this. So whatever. I don’t give a fuck.
The Italian guy moved in with the Czech guy. The next day, the Czech guy threw a pillow at the Italian guy for snoring too loudly. The next day, the Italian guy moved back in with me, citing a need to sleep.
We need another flatmate. I wasn’t working so I was able to show people the flat. Most people took a brief look around, saw that it was shit, and made a hasty retreat. But there was a Muslim guy who seemed to like the flat. He asked if it was a problem that he was Muslim. Not knowing any better, I said, no. Of course not. Islam is the religion of peace. What’s not to like?
But he had a few questions about the place. Like why are bills not included? Because usually bills are included in these sorts of arrangements. I didn’t know. So I asked if he wanted to speak to the guy who’s on the lease. He said that he did, I called the Lithuanian guy up, and handed this Muslim guy the phone. The Muslim guy raised his concerns and the Lithuanian guy said, “If you don’t like it, don’t take it.”
So that was that. We probably dodged a bullet there.
Then there was a Polish guy who was interested in the place. Really, really, SUPER gay. Flaming. Richard Simmons would see this shit and say, “Come on. That’s a bit much.”
But he was interested, I was entrusted with finding a new roommate, and what do I care? So he’s gay. He’s not going to fucking bum everyone. So I took his deposit and said that he can move in whenever he wants.
The Czech guy and the Lithuanian guy were not overly pleased with this but it turned out fine. He was SUPER gay and came on to all of us but once it was clear that nobody was interested in that shit, he stopped doing it. And here was a case when my awkward and withdrawn behaviour really worked to my advantage. Not interested in that shit. Not interested in being polite or humouring you in any way. I’m shutting that shit down. Go to the leather bar if you’re looking for a good time.
He spent time with the Italian guy, though, because that guy was really outgoing and friendly.
While all of this was going on, I was looking for work. Every fucking day. I didn’t have a computer or the internet so I’d go to the internet cafe and send out resumes. I also sent out resumes just randomly to local businesses. Nothing ever came of that second thing.
I’d get an interview once in a while, they’d tell me that I’m too quiet and won’t fit in, rinse and repeat.
So I started looking for teaching jobs. I had the previous experience, having worked as a substitute teacher in the US. I wasn’t qualified to be a teacher or even a substitute teacher but I could be a classroom assistant or an “exam invigilator.” It paid, whatever, £80/day.
These jobs are all controlled by employment agencies, at least in London, at least 20 years ago. Not just teaching jobs but all jobs. If you want a job ANYWHERE, you almost certainly have to go through these parasitic middlemen. They offer absolutely no value to you, the employee, but employers like using employment agencies to find staff because agency staff don’t get the same legal protections that actual staff have. For example, you can fire agency staff for any reason at all, with no notice. You can’t do that with staff that you’re employing directly.
Employment agencies also skim money from your pay. So the school, in this case, might be paying £150/day but the agency is only paying you £80/day. They’re just pocketing that £70/day. For doing literally nothing. It’s a complete parasitic relationship and I would do everything I possibly could not to use an agency but it was extremely difficult because they controlled like 100% of the market.
You couldn’t just go to a school, in this case, and say, “Hey, I’d like to work here.” You had to go through an employment agency.
So I’d go to these agencies and it was always the same process. “Hey, your resume is really impressive. We have a lot of work. We’ll contact you as soon as something comes up.” And then you’d never hear from them again.
I eventually figured out what one of the problems was. The school district that I worked for refused to fill out the reference forms that these agencies would send.
It was a cultural difference. The questions on these forms would ask things like, “Would you hire this person again?” Employers in the US are not going to answer that because if you give a negative reference, it opens you up to lawsuits. So all they’ll say is, “This person worked here between X date and Y date.”
I would call this school district in the US, explain the situation to them, and beg them to fill out the form. There was no fucking problem. I left on good terms. I was never reprimanded or anything.
And they’d say, “Yeah. It’s no problem. We’ll fill out the forms.” But they never fucking did. Dozens of agencies sent these people reference forms and they fucking flat out refused to fill them out. Dozens of them. They would just lie on the phone when I’d call them.
I tried creating a fake reference with a Hotmail account or something but that didn’t convince anyone. So I decided that what I need to do now is find a place in the UK that will provide a reference. Maybe do some volunteer work.
Christmas is coming Everybody is leaving to go visit their families. The Czech guy asks what I’m doing over Christmas. I say, “Nothing. Just staying here.” He said, “That’s depressing.”
But I was doing it. I was living in London. I got away from that massive student loan debt. I was doing exactly what I wanted to do. Minus the not having a job and living in squalor part.
The next door neighbours were a completely impoverished white English couple with a teenage daughter. The parents would yell constantly. The woman in particular seemed to be a real scumbag. And the walls were really thin so we heard all of this.
One day, the Italian guy starts knocking on the walls during one of these arguments. So the woman comes out and starts banging on our windows and yelling while the husband is trying to get her to stop.
I was getting £72/week from benefits. I couldn’t really go anywhere. I was eating peanut butter sandwiches every day. And I was having enormous difficulty in getting a job.
So I said to this Lithuanian guy that in order for me to get housing benefits, which would pay for my rent, I need a copy of the lease. He didn’t want to do that. He got really nervous when I asked that. He didn’t want me to see that he’s paying nothing in rent.
So I said, “Just give me something saying that I’m paying £50/week for rent.” He did that.
I took it to the Job Centre and they said that it’s not sufficient. I need something from the landlord.
So I asked the landlord. He was a Muslim guy. From Bangladesh or something. He gave me something. I don’t remember what. I took it down to the Job Centre and they said that it’s not going to work. My name needs to be on an actual lease.
Then the next thing I know, we’re all getting kicked out. Whatever I showed the Job Centre, triggered somebody that this guy owned the property and there was some illegal goings on. He told us himself that he owned several properties but he put them in different family members’ names. This is a common scam, particularly among Muslims, who have large families.
So the council, I guess, was coming after this guy for fraud or taxes or whatever.
I didn’t know that any of this would happen. I was just trying to get Housing benefit because I was living on £72/week and paying my rent and everything else with that.
So we all had to look for another place to live. We had one month’s notice. The Lithuanian guy blamed me for us getting evicted. I was there for about six months.
So I started looking for a new place and I found one down the street, in a small apartment block, with four guys from Brazil.
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Garfield – Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN) – Cinemassacre
0:15 – “Happy Holidays.”
Which holiday, Jimmy?
I hated this shit when I lived in the US. And it’s normal there. This is what people say. It became a big thing certainly by the start of the 1990s. Jews, allegedly, would get outraged over “Merry Christmas”. But here’s one Jewish conspiracy theory that I don’t buy. I don’t think that Jews gave a shit about “Merry Christmas”.
So why did “Happy Holidays” become so ubiquitous in the US? It’s all just part of the general liberal agenda. But to what end? Who’s profiting off of “Happy Holidays”? Why would somebody want to perpetuate this ridiculous phrase?
Of course, right-wing Jesus nuts get outraged over “Happy Holidays”. So maybe this is just another thing to divide the people. But are there enough right-wing Jesus nuts for this to even have any effect? I suppose in the 1990s there were more right wing Jesus nuts than there are today.
So maybe this was all part of a plan to erode Christianity in the US. There’s probably a parallel in the rise of the use of “Happy Holidays” and the decline of Americans who identify as Christians. But how much effect could it have had? I don’t know.
What I do know is that NOBODY outside of the US says “Happy Holidays”. So that just strengthens my resolve that this is the dumbest fucking phrase of all time. And only complete morons use it. Don’t you realise that you’re being taken for a fool? Maybe that’s what “Happy Holidays” is. It’s a test by our overlords to determine who the dimwits are. And with that introduction, I present James “Seven and Half Years in Special Education” Rolfe.
“It’s the season of giving.”
Which season? He’s clearly talking about Christmas, right? He’s wearing a Santa hat. His greenscreen has a still frame from a movie where there’s a Christmas tree. He’s wearing a t-shirt of Snoopy sleeping on top of a Christmas tree. This is CHRISTMAS, right? CHRISTMAS is the season of giving. Not Hanukkah, right? Not Ramadan? Not Kwanza?
Oh, that’s another thing. “Happy Holidays” coincided with the rise of popularity of Kwanza. Remember Kwanza? It was a fad in the 1990s. Fucking nobody celebrates that shit today.
“But haven’t you already given enough of your unencrypted data away?”
This is just offensive. He’s using the birth of our Lord and Saviour to sell shit. I know that this is what happens but this seems particularly egregious. There’s no subtlety here. Just “here’s a stupid commercial for a service that nobody needs.”
1:00 – “As the holiday season approaches, I like to watch the classics like…”
WHICH HOLIDAY? He’s going to mention Christmas movies, right? Not Hanukkah movies. Not Ramadan movies. Not Kwanzaa movies. Not Zartosht No-Diso movies.
Yeah. Home Alone, The Grinch, Christmas Vacation. Or as it’s called now, Holiday Vacation.
What are some good Zartosht No-Diso movies anyway? I’m not seeing any. Oh, wait. Maybe this one.
Wow. A bunch of shirtless Persian guys kicking the shit out of Alexander the Great. This really puts me in this holiday spirit.
Back to Jimmy.
2:00 – So we’re finally at the video, that was a two minute advertisement, and Jimmy gives a shoutout to the Santa hat that he’s wearing to cover up his baldness. Like we’re fucking idiots. Oh, no. James isn’t bald. He’s always wearing a hat. That’s how we know he has a full head of hair. Bald men never wear hats.
2:45 – Jimmy shows off his childhood Garfield book collection.
Garfield was shit. It was never funny. Not once. It was made by a committee of interns. But I can see an idiot like James Rolfe enjoying such a thing.
I was a more highbrow comic strip enthusiast. I had a collection of Calvin and Hobbes books. I enjoyed the likes of Mutts and Fox Trot and Sherman’s Lagoon and Get Fuzzy and The Far Side.
Wow. Get Fuzzy is no longer being produced? Not since 2013? Who knew?
5:15 – Terrible acting, Jimmy.
Maybe James should take an acting class. The Philadelphia Acting Studio has good reviews on Google. People really seem to like this Bernard guy who teaches the class.
It’s $500/month. What the fuck? And I think it’s all by Skype. And all you get is access to their video library of 100 classes and “Weekly live coaching.” So once a week, Bernard (or some intern) will talk to you for a few minutes. Over Skype. FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS A MONTH.
Or you can have twelve classes, which are…maybe in person but I’m not sure, for $1,000. Actually, there’s no address for this “school” so it’s probably done by Skype too. And probably a group thing.
Anyway, Jimmy has the money. And maybe it will help.
5:45 – Now he’s finally talking about the game. Or games. He’s starting with an Atari 2600 Garfield game.
6:00 – More atrocious acting as Jimmy starts rattling off random holidays. It’s sort of a reference to “Happy Holidays” but none of these holidays he’s mentioning take place in December. He’s just giving ridiculous holidays like Arbor Day. Why doesn’t he mention actual holidays that take place in December? Because that’s what “Happy Holidays” is supposed to be referencing? Couldn’t he just say, “Happy Hanukah”?
No because he doesn’t want to be accused of being an anti-Semite. Somehow, saying “Happy Hanukah” would be offensive to somebody so he doesn’t say it. But he had no problem saying, “Merry Fucking Christmas” which is obviously offensive.
7:00 – Now Kieran is reviewing some NES Garfield game.
9:00 – “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
Well, you can start by shaving your arms.
What about having Manscape as a sponsor? And then Jimmy shaves his arms with the product and he’s all metrosexual. Then he shaves his head with it. Just get rid of all hair. I want to see a fully shaved James Rolfe.
11:15 – “I happened to notice that if you scramble the words ‘Garfield Odie’ you can get ‘Fragile Die’”.
Where’s the comedy in any of this? This is just Kieran doing some of that “random” humour.
12:00 – Beatles reference. Who could have possibly written this? Is Kieran a Beatles fan? I guess that he must be. Who else could have written this shit?
12:45 – More terrible acting. You know, maybe Bernard can help with this.
15:15 – Garfield: Caught in the Act for the Sega Genesis. Is he going to make a joke about getting caught masturbating? I’ll say…yes.
I WAS RIGHT! “Caught in the act doing what?” Nice job, Kieran. Not at all predictable. And your “joke” didn’t even go anywhere.
16:00 – He refers to the game as, “Chocolate-covered diarrhoea”. Yet more scat fetish nonsense from this retard.
19:00 – “If you scramble the name ‘Jim Davis’ you get ‘Diva Jism’”.
It’s still not funny, Kieran. It doesn’t help that you have this fucking zombie reading your shit. But it’s still shit. Not even Bernard Glincosky could save that.
19:15 – Now Kieran is playing a Game Boy Garfield game.
23:15 – Somebody in a Bugs Bunny costume does some stuff. A really annoying sound plays for a long time.
25:00 – Then the video ends with Jimmy saying…”Happy Holidays”…to Bugs Bunny. I don’t know what holiday Bugs Bunny celebrates. But it’s just all of them. I guess.
You know what might have helped? Asking Bugs Bunny what holiday in December, if any, he celebrates. Then he’ll say “Kwanzaa” or whatever and Jimmy could have said, “Oh great. Happy Kwanzaa, Bugs Bunny.”
What’s wrong with that? That’s sensitivity. That’s actually taking an interest in people’s lives and showing proper respect for their religion and/or culture.
“Happy Holidays” is bullshit. You might as well say, “Happy whatever the fuck it is that you celebrate, but really I’m talking about Christmas.” It’s totally disingenuous.
Then we get to the credits. “Written, Directed by & Starring James Rolfe.” Uh huh. Sure it was, Jimmy.
Edited by Kieran Fallon. Why does he put with this? Kieran and whatever interns make these videos should contact SAG and see what they recommend doing. Because this is total bullshit. People are not getting properly credited for their work.
James didn’t write fucking shit. We know this. He presumably didn’t direct this either, whatever that would even entail.
So the actual people who are doing the actual work need to be properly credited and paid accordingly.
Then there’s a “special thanks” section which is just like Jim Davis and Lasagna Cat and whatever. Shit that was referenced in the video.
But no credit is given to the person who played Bugs Bunny. We’re presumably supposed to think that it’s Mike but whoever it is, why aren’t they credited?
Oh, maybe it was Sam Beddoes. That’s somebody who works at Screenwave. Why didn’t they just say, “Sam Beddoes as Bugs Bunny”? Or whatever he did. Give the proper credit.
Same with Tara T. What did Tara T do? Who even is Tara T? Must be another internet at Screenwave.
Oh, no. Sam Beddoes was that fat English guy in that Back to the Future episode of AVGN. The 300th episode extravaganza or whatever it was. So what the fuck did that guy do warrant a special thanks? We have no fucking idea because these credits are total bullshit.
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Sixth Grade Christmas Door Decorating Contest
In the sixth grade, there was a “door decorating contest”. We had to decorate our classroom door. Who gives a shit? Well, people gave a shit. It was a contest between the fourth, fifth, and sixth grade. We were all on the same floor.
It was basically a contest between the teachers. Because the teachers clearly planned everything. For example, there was a tasteful, too tasteful fifth grade class whose door was adorned with a lion and a sheep. That’s it. It was a reference to the biblical story of lions chilling with sheep, as opposed to eating them.
But all of the other doors were the usual shit that you would expect from such a children’s contest. Decorate the door with as many green and red streamers as you can fit.
Obviously, this teacher didn’t accept suggestions from the students and just appointed somebody to make a lion and a sheep.
Our door was more ambitious but also lame. It was a cardboard chimney that was affixed to the door with hooks. I don’t know who made this thing. I had absolutely no involvement in this. Like any of these classroom projects, it was probably three or four people who did all of the work.
Then somebody had the bright idea, “Let’s put a tape recorder in the fireplace and have it play Christmas music.” So that was done.
Then there was a big controversy. A door decorating contest doesn’t permit you to hang stuff on the door. No 3-d decorations, effectively.
The teacher got really upset over this because, again, this was just a contest between the teachers. She wanted to see where in the door decorating rulebook it says you can’t have three dimensional decorations. There is no such rule or rulebook so it was just left there.
So then some students, who were appointed as the judges, came around and looked at all of the doors. People liked the door. That fucking chimney. But the controversy around the three dimensional decor was too great. So we got second place and that lion and sheep bullshit got first place. The judges even cited this 3-d controversy for the reason why we didn’t win.
What did the winners get? No idea. But people were pissed off.
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Johnny Cash Christmas Show [1970]
0:45 – Shout out to Jesus of Nazareth.
Interestingly, there was no mention of Jesus in Dolly Parton’s Christmas special in 1990. Not that I saw, anyway. I skipped around a lot.
I’m sure that Dolly was just as big of a Jesus fanatic as Johnny Cash was. Their public personas, anyway. But by 1990, you could perhaps no longer voice your appreciation for Jesus of Nazareth on television. Not even in a Christmas special.
Anyway, then Johnny Cash and some random nobodies start singing Twelve Days of Christmas. Oh god. This is going to take forever. I’m skipping ahead.
By the way, this seems to be what these Christmas specials are. They sing public domain Christmas songs. I complained about this in the Dolly Parton article. But no. I checked out a few other Christmas specials and this is what they all are like. I never watched any of this shit so I don’t know.
5:30 – The Everly Brothers. Everybody loves the Everly Brothers.
And they’re singing…something. It’s an original song, not some fucking Christmas carol. So this is an improvement. And he’s inviting other people onto this thing, unlike the Dolly Parton special which was all Dolly, all the time.
14:30 – There’s some Christmas Story skit or something. I’m not watching this.
27:30 – That skit went on for quite a while. Now we’re back to the Everly Brothers. They’re singing about Kentucky and really emoting. It’s gay as fuck.
29:15 – Roy Orbison. He’s singing something. Not a Christmas carol and not Pretty Woman.
32:30 – Now Ike Everly, the patriarch of the Everly clan.
35:00 – Johnny is talking to his father about meeting President Nixon. The story is boring. Goes nowhere.
35:45 – Now Johnny’s mother is playing the piano and they sing Silent Night.
38:30 – The show ends by Johnny Cash giving another shoutout to Jesus of Nazareth. And he actually says “Jesus of Nazareth” during these shoutouts.
Anyway, sorry for the shitty articles the past few days. I’m on “holiday” so I needed to shit out a few articles in advance and then schedule them to drop each day. I’m doing this Newt Wallen style. The faster I write, the faster I get paid. But I’m not doing this for money. I’m just doing it for the pure enjoyment of writing.
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DOLLY PARTON Home For Christmas 1990 TV Special
0:00 – It’s Dolly Parton in a set made to look like a toy store and there are a bunch of kids around who clearly are not professional actors. Dolly will sometimes break from her script to interact with the kids when they say something, not knowing that they’re not supposed to talk.
What’s more wholesome than a woman with giant tits? This is just weird.
1:30 – Now she’s talking to her band. “We have a camera on so I don’t want any of you cussing.”
Is this a problem with her band? They’re just randomly throwing out profanity?
1:45 – Oh god. Now she’s singing. I didn’t even realise that Dolly Parton was a singer until just now. I thought that she was just that woman with the giant tits. I don’t want to watch 45 minutes of this woman singing.
2:30 – Now she’s bouncing out of that fake toy store. A graphic appears saying that she’s in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. Is this a real place?
Yes. Dolly Parton has a number of “business interests” there. Whatever that means. So this special is just promoting her “business interests.” Maybe Dollywood is there.
2:45 – People on this fake set of a city stree are wearing heavy winter coats and Dolly is just bouncing around in her little dress, carrying bags full of empty boxes, and then putting these boxes into the backseat of a fake pickup truck that has fake hay in it.
There’s just something about this that’s insulting my intelligence. It’s obviously all a set and she’s reading a script. But it’s being presented as though this is all real.
3:30 – “Just about everyone in these parts is related to us in one way or another.”
Ummm…hmm. I don’t think that inbreeding in rural America should be something that’s promoted as a positive thing.
By the way, that pickup truck was supposed to be her father’s truck. She can’t get him a better car than this piece of shit? She was a millionaire at this time. Many times over.
4:30 – Are any of these people her actual family? I don’t think so. Whoever they are, they’re going to be really pissed off when they see that she got them empty boxes for Christmas.
5:00 – Now she’s in her alleged childhood home. But again, this is a set. I think. Or a huge house. It looked small from the outside.
5:30 – Her fake brother is singing insulting songs to Dolly now. Comparing her appearance to that of a collie. And Dolly is becoming fake enraged. Threatens to throw him off the show.
What is this? Is ANY of this real? Are any of the 100 people in this “house” actually related to her or are these all actors?
Randy Parton. No, I think that is really her brother. He died last year. But this is corny as fuck and you get an uneasy feeling throughout because you don’t know what’s real and what isn’t.
6:30 – Now they’re singing Deck the Halls? Fuck off. And why is everything about Dolly? There are 100 people in this “house”. They’re all just sitting around talking about Dolly? Nobody else has anything else going on in their lives?
Second verse? No way. I’m skipping ahead.
8:30 – Now she’s singing something else. Some other fucking Christmas carol. By herself this time. And she’s covered up. I’m skipping ahead again.
14:00 – What? Now she’s back with the 99 members of her “family” in this “house” and she’s wearing a giant pair of reindeer antlers. I’m skipping ahead again.
17:00 – More singing. This time she’s wearing a wedding dress or something. For a prostitute’s wedding. And she’s singing for her “family” in this “house”.
Couldn’t she buy implants for the rest of her family? She’s with five of her sisters in this thing now. I don’t know how many, if any, are her real sisters.
20:00 – Now she’s singing Jingle Bells. And earlier, some creep was showing her how the actual jingle bells work. She said that she didn’t know. Really? So he came up behind her and made her do a jerking off motion.
This is…why is she singing Christmas carols? I’d expect her to sing her actual songs. Not public domain Christmas carols.
Well, I don’t know. As a kid, I think I’d prefer Christmas carols to her songs. Because I didn’t know her songs. But…this wouldn’t appeal to me in any event. At any age, this doesn’t appeal to me. Nothing could save this thing short of Dolly taking her top off.
21:45 – Now she’s in some other dress. And why does she always have a corset on? Around her family? Isn’t that weird?
She introduces us to “Elwood, our silly hillbilly from Dollywood.” And it’s a stereotypical dumb, toothless Appalachian guy. This is offensive and totally baffling. Is there really a fucking hillbilly mascot at Dollywood? Or was there? I can’t imagine that there would still be such a thing.
26:00 – Now she’s singing Santa Claus is Coming to Town on a fake carousel with a foot a cleavage showing and a bunch of kids are around. Could she not at least cover up a little for the musical numbers that involve children?
28:00 – Now she’s talking to fucking Santa Claus. Santa Claus has an American Southern accent, apparently. Dolly says that she wants some large brownies. Great stuff.
34:30 – She’s in a white dress now. I don’t know. I’m guessing that she’s going to sing another public domain Christmas song.
41:15 – She’s singing in some fake church. The entire congregation is white. Possibly, these people are all supposed to be her family. And then from out of nowhere, the doors to this “church” swing open and an all-black choir comes in and starts singing. What the fuck is this?
So with this black choir having entered, the song suddenly becomes some kind of jazzy number. Because black people are cool and don’t like that square honkey shit. So Dolly, being the progressive, non-racist person that she is, goes along with it. “Oh, you guys like some of that soul music? Okay. I can do that too. I can sing any kind of song. I’m Dolly Parton.”
42:30 – Now they’re leaving the church, the black people are nowhere to be seen, so she goes back to that boring white people music.
The video ends with Silent Night. Didn’t they already do that one? I don’t know. This thing all ran together.
I was waiting for her “family” to be in the credits. But no. They’re not here by name, anyway. It just says, “Dolly’s Family & Friends.” I’d like to know how many of them are actually her fucking family.
The Bobby Jones Choir gets mentioned but, again, not everybody by name. This is bullshit. Let me look up The Bobby Jones Choir. Are they still around?
There’s a guy named Bobby Jones. He had a tv show called Bobby Jones Gospel that featured different gospel choirs. The show ran from 1980 to 2015. Somehow, this passed me by. I wasn’t watching enough Black Entertainment Television, I guess. It was probably shown early in the morning or something as well.
It had a good run anwyay. Thirty-five years.
Anyway, that was awful.
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Is Easy Rider (1969) a Christmas Movie?
I think it is. I’ll enumerate the reasons below.
In the movie, the characters are traveling across the US, just like how Santa travels across the world and delivers presents.
In the opening scene, Wyatt and Billy (the protagonists) sell a large quantity of drugs to the Connection (played by Phil Spector). Phil Spector is driving a Rolls Royce. There’s a closeup shot of the hood ornament: The Spirit of Ecstasy. This hood ornament looks like an angel. Sort of like how cherubs are associated with Christmas? Think about it.
Also, Phil Spector wrote the 1963 Darlene Love song Christmas (Baby Please Come Home). Phil Spector also produced an album, again in 1963, called A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector. Why did the producers of Easy Rider choose Phil Spector for this role? Phil Spector wasn’t an actor. It was obviously a subliminal message relating to his Christmas songs to suggest that Easy Rider is a Christmas movie.
One of these Mexican drug dealers is a character called Jesus. Need I go on?
Wyatt (aka Captain America) wears a leather jacket with an American flag on the back of it and his motorcycle and helmet are also American flag-inspired. What are the colours of the flag? Red, white, and blue. Red is a Christmas colour.
The second song in the movie is Born to Wild. It includes the lyrics, “Like a true nature’s child, we were born to be wild, we could climb so high, I never want to die.” Just like Christmas is a celebration of Jesus, who was born to be wild (in the sense of shaking up the Jewish orthodoxy and Roman establishment not to mention bringing God’s kingdom on earth), he was born lowly in the manger but climbed high to become King of Kings, and he never truly died. He’s still with us today, in spirit.
Wyatt and Billy try to get a room in a motel and they’re refused service. Just like how Mary and Joseph were refused a room in the inn, leading to Jesus being born in a barn. It’s all right there in the movie.
There’s a scene where Wyatt and Billy visit a large family and they all have a meal together. Christmas movies are usually about families. And this was a big family so even more Christmas-y. It was like a big Christmas dinner.
Wyatt and Billy pick up a hitchhiker and the hitchhiker gives them LSD. What could LSD stand for? Maybe El Santa Day? Or “el” as a letter is “L”. The opening scene in this film is in Spanish. So a Spanish speaker might refer to Christmas as “El Santa Day” or phonetically as “L Santa Day”. L-S-D.
One of the songs in the movie is The Weight by The Band. Lyrics include, “I pulled into Nazareth, just feeling about a half past dead, I just need to find a place where I can lay my head, Mister can you tell me where a man might find a bed? He just grinned and shook my hand and ‘No’ was all he said.” Another reference to Joseph and Mary not being able to find a place to stay in Nazareth.
The hitchhiker takes Wyatt and Billy to a commune. The commune has a barn with animals in it. Yet another reference to the birth of Jesus, which is what Christmas is all about.
The members of this commune also put on a play. These are popular in the UK around Christmas time. “Christmas pantomimes” they’re called. Did the writers know about this British Christmas tradition? Probably. Peter Fonda, Dennis Hopper, and Terry Southern were all educated and worldly guys. Terry Southern was stationed in England during World War II. You think he never saw a Christmas pantomime? Of course he did.
There’s also a large dinner at this commune. Again, a reference to family and Christmas movies are usually about families. These people might not all be biologically related (some of them are) but it’s saying that anybody can be your family. You can choose. They also say grace before eating, a traditional Christmas thing. They also said grace at the meal with that farmer.
The freaks in the commune sing Does Your Hair Hang Low, which includes the lyrics, “Can you throw it over your shoulder like a continental soldier?” They’re talking about hair but it can also be applied to Santa throwing his sack of toys over his shoulder.
Wyatt and Billy take part in a Fourth of July parade in some small Southern town. This shows that the movie takes place in July, which is the opposite of Christmas. But that’s the beauty of this. This is a Christmas without Christmas.
They get arrested for being in the parade without having a permit. In the jail cell, there’s a sign that says “Jesus Christ: The same yesterday, today, and forever.” Another reference to Jesus. Jesus is the reason for the season.
While in prison, they meet George (played by Jack Nicholson). Jack Nicolson was also in another Christmas Movie: The Shining. But that’s not the point here. George is an alcoholic. What do a lot of people do on Christmas? Drink alcohol. Exactly.
After George gets Wyatt and Billy out of jail, they invite George to come along with them. They’re going to Mardi Gras, by the way. They ask if George has a helmet. George says that he does. It’s a football helmet. In America, there’s always a big football game on tv during Christmas. Also, families will often play football in their yard on Christmas. It’s a tradition in the US. Football and Christmas.
There’s a lot of outdoorsy scenery in the movie of trees and whatnot. Trees are green. Green is a Christmas colour.
Also, George’s helmet is gold. Gold is a Christmas colour.
George is wearing a shirt with a big “M” on it. What does “M” stand for? Michigan? No. I think that it stands for “Merry Christmas.”
George tells a story about seeing UFOs in the sky. This is a reference to seeing Santa and his magical sleigh in the sky.
One of the songs is “Don’t Bogart that Joint”, which is about the importance of sharing. Just like the phrase often heard about Christmas, “Tis better to give than to receive.”
Another song is If 6 was 9 by The Jimi Hendrix Experience. Lyrics include, “If the sun refused to shine, I don’t mind.” Just like how Christmas takes place in December, typically the darkest month of the year.
They stop at a diner. A sign on the diner says “home made pies.” What do people eat at Christmas? Home made pies.
Wyatt and Billy (minus George) finally make it to Mardi Gras. Mardi Gras is famous for beads. Like the beads used to decorate Christmas trees? Exactly.
They also meet prostitutes while in Mardi Gras. Jesus loved prostitutes.
While high, they have a meal (like one does at Christmas). The brothel is covered with religious paintings. There are a bunch of brief glimpses of these paintings. It’s a brothel but it’s also like a church. People go to church on Christmas. Even non-religious people. If you’re ever going to go to church, Christmas is the day that you do it.
Then they have sex with the prostitutes and there’s a bunch of religious iconography shown throughout and somebody is saying The Lord’s Prayer. Again, Christmas.
Billy says, “We’ve done it. We’re rich, Wyatt.” Wyatt replies, “You know, Billy, we blew it.” This is a reference to the hysteria of consumerism around Christmas. People spend all of their money on bullshit because they feel obligated. If you want to celebrate Christmas, you have to spend a lot of money.
The movie ends with Wyatt and Billy being killed by a redneck. Then the camera pans up into a wide overhead view. Sort of God’s view of the scene, sitting on his cloud. This is a reference to Jesus’ promise of life ever after if you believe in him.
So is it a Christmas movie? Clearly.