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  • Convention Creeps – Newt Wallen

    https://fawesome.tv/movies/10666511/convention-creeps

    This is a compilation of various Z-list “Youtubers” talking about nerd conventions. The sound is all fucked up because these are just a sampling of videos that these people made in their living rooms or whatever. That’s where Newt made his. So Newt’s sound levels will be completely different from the next person’s. No effort was put into this at all. I mean, I’ve never talked about sound levels in my life but this is really, really, REALLY noticeable and distracting.

    THIS is a documentary? All these people are doing is promoting their fucking Youtube channels. It’s a scam.

    What they could have done is interviewed actual people who go to these conventions. You know, like a documentary. That might have been interesting. What motivates a person to go to a nerd convention? What type of people go to these things? Instead, they did this.

    And Newt didn’t say a single thing that he hasn’t said a billion times already on his Youtube channel. Did he talk about Horseface? Of course he did. He got fired, he was sad, Horseface stopped talking to him, et cetera. We get it, Newt. This was years ago.

    He also seems to have a bizarre obsession with pointing out how many gay people attend these nerd conventions. Newt, just come out of the closet. We don’t give a shit. You’re a single man, you have a cat, you’re emotional, you sell pictures of your penis to gay men. All the signs are there.

    Then you hear a buzzing and he ends by saying, “My dryer’s done. My clothes are done.” This is unbelievably bad. Why was that left in? It wasn’t even done for laughs, as far as I can tell. You can barely hear it.

    This video got a 51% rating. I don’t see any way to vote so don’t know how they got that rating. But 51 seems very generous. It’s a scam. A compilation of Youtube clips is not a documentary.

    And the other people in this thing…Jesus fucking Christ.

    https://www.imdb.com/name/nm13713433

    If you thought that Horseface was tough to look at, take a look at Kristy Adams over here. I’m not even 100% sure that it’s a woman. But she’s there “starring” in these “tits and gore” movies. Newt even mentioned one of these several times before: OnlyFangs. In what conceivable universe is this a hot chick? But she’s there fucking promoting her shit in this “documentary.” That’s all that this is.

    https://www.imdb.com/name/nm8966356

    Jessie Hobson. So-called film director of “tits and gore” trash. Not coincidentally, he was an “actor” in something called Cult of Blood, which was written and directed by Robbie Lopez, the same person who “directed” this marketing “documentary.”

    “Jessie Hobson is the author of several memoirs from his various lives, a collection of My Little Pony fanfiction novels, as well as the forthcoming alien-themed bukake erotica ‘Blumperfluff’ series, which he insists is ‘sure to be my seminal work.’”

    In case it needs to be pointed out, his IMDB “mini biography” was written by himself. It even states as such at the bottom. So he’s writing his own “biography” in the third person. And this is what he decided to include. This disgusting bullshit that nobody is ever going to pay money for or even look at for free.

    https://www.youtube.com/@cjrobles2.0

    CJ Robles. He has a Youtube channel where he talks about his struggles with mental health to an audience you can count on with one hand. His videos struggle to get ten views.

    On his Instagram, he describes himself as a “Filmmaker, Stand Up & Improv Comedian, Actor, Clown, Podcaster, Streamer, Motion Graphics Designer.” Those are a lot of words to say “unemployed crazy person.”

    There’s also somebody called Buck Stallion but I couldn’t find anything about him. Lose the wacky name, asshole.

    https://www.imdb.com/name/nm10898010

    And it was all directed by famous German/Spanish/Scottish director Robbie Lopez. He puts his “ethnicity” along with other completely bizarre information on his website.

    https://filmfreeway.com/RobbieLopez

    Why can’t people just be honest? “Dumb cunt” would really get to the meat of the matter.

    And of course it’s a bunch of “tits and gore” shit that nobody has ever watched and the guy has never made a penny from.

    You want to hear the opinions about nerd conventions from these fucking pathetic lunatics? And that’s not even what they’re doing. It’s mostly promoting their shit. And CJ Robles…oh my fucking god. That guy needs immediate intervention. His shit was genuinely disturbing. He’s just rambling about credit card debt and how people don’t want to move to Texas while wearing his “merch” that nobody but he has ever paid for. He just jumps from topic to topic, clearly suffering from mental illness.

    Oh, Steven Reifsteck was also in this. He wasn’t credited on the site but he’s in the end credits. Another lunatic promoting his shit “tits and gore” movies that never go anywhere.

    Complete trash. None of this would happen if the US had a competent mental health system. And this isn’t something to be proud of. Like Newt frames it in this “documentary” about how it’s all the freaks and outcasts and whatnot who go to these nerd conventions. No. It’s mental illness. In fact, I’m reminded of the fact that Newt talks about his own mental illness in this thing and how he goes to a psychiatrist.

    The “tits and gore” “industry” would stop tomorrow if these people were just given the treatment that they so desperately need. There’s nothing artistic about what they do. And nobody is watching it. So what’s the point? These people are wasting their lives for nothing. It’s delusional crazy people enabling other delusional crazy people.

    This isn’t outsider art. This is shit. There are artists who happened to be mentally ill but being mentally ill in itself does not equate to artistic visionary.

  • Newt Hospitalised for…Allergic Reaction

    Sorry for the photo. Newt posted not one but THREE of these disgusting pictures. He’s really outraged that DoorDash won’t refund the five bucks or whatever for the chicken corn chowder that he ordered.

    Let me try to first explain what happened because the Ideas Man is not good at explaining himself. From what I can piece together, Newt ordered some chicken corn chowder from Wawa, a local gas station, through DoorDash, a delivery service. Newt had an allergic reaction to the food. He surmises that it’s from some sort of cross-contamination. So he went to the emergency room.

    While on the way to the emergency room and upon returning, he re-tweeted more disgusting pictures of his eye and he tagged both Wawa and DoorDash in these tweets. His goal is, presumably, to publicly shame these companies.

    Now, I’m not some kind of elitist but do you know how many times I’ve ordered food from a GAS STATION? Zero. Not one time. When you’re ordering food from a gas station, you’re taking your chances.

    And why is he dragging DoorDash into this? They were just the pointless middleman. They didn’t refund the money immediately. Who cares? Why is this five dollars his top priority? Give them time to refund the money. He was posting this shit within hours if not minutes of the allergic reaction happening.

    If he has a grievance against anyone, it’s against Wawa. And not for five fucking bucks. Get that shyster lawyer who you’re using to sue…somebody. I still have no fucking idea who he’s suing. But I don’t think DoorDash can be responsible unless they were carrying other food and it somehow contaminated Newt’s gas station food. Anyway, DoorDash responded and they apparently refunded Newt his precious five bucks.

    Let me look this up. How much is a chicken corn chowder from Wawa anyway?

    I was right. $5.19. For the “small”, anyway. They have different sizes: small, medium, large, and “family”. No family is sharing a bowl of chowder so this is obviously a “big fat guy” size. It’s $13.89 for the “family” size.

    It’s interesting. They don’t do this sort of shit in the UK. And I don’t even remember this from when I lived in the US, but I wasn’t buying soup from gas stations so I don’t know. But they just have one size for shit like this. The only thing you can get in different sizes is pizza. Or in Subway, you can get a 6 inch or 12 inch sandwich. I suppose fast food gives you the different options in french fry sizes. Maybe drink sizes too, but I don’t think so. I can’t remember ever being offered a different drink size in the UK.

    Oh, you can get a bag of Andy Capp’s “corn and potato” snacks. I’ve never seen these before but Andy Capp? That’s an odd mascot. People still know Andy Capp? Wasn’t it a British comic strip character? Yeah.

    You can get all kinds of groceries from Wawa through DoorDash. Although, why anybody would is a mystery. I see these sorts of things increasingly on UK equivelent sites but they just clutter up the search results. I’m not going to order food from a fucking liquor store. Fuck off.

    Three dollars for a bottle of Canada Dry ginger ale? That seems expensive. Are these inflated gas station prices or is it a big bottle? I don’t know how much 20 ounces is. Half a liter? Umm…I guess that’s a pretty big bottle but not so much that you’re not supposed to consume it all in one sitting. Another “big fat guy” size for the US.

    Anyway, the Ideas Man still went to work. He says that he ran the cinema solo. This doesn’t sound like a viable business.

    Oh, and death-obsessed asshole Newt also mentioned that Val Kilmer died. He’s a big Val Kilmer fan. Never mentioned him once but now that he died, he feels the need to pay his respects in the most zero-effort way possible: retweeting something that somebody else wrote about this.

    When I originally saw Newt’s picture, I assumed that this would be much more interesting that it was. I thought that one of the pimps of the ladies he hangs out with beat him up or something. No. Just ate some bad gas station chowder and then wanted attention for it. Who wants attention for eating bad gas station chowder? But Newt will take whatever he can get.

    By the way, Mr Professional Writer, it’s “all in all”, not “all and all”. You fucking moron.

  • Perth horror film festival intro (TEASE) – Newt Wallen

    I watched this already, it’s only two minutes, but it is shocking in it’s low quality. I mean, for a Youtube video, it’s his usual quality and it’s fine for Youtube but from what I gather, from what little information the Ideas Man gives us, this is going to be shown in a cinema before a screening of Swamp Zombies 2.

    0:00 – So it starts with Newt in his living room pressing “record” on his phone, like he usually does for his videos, and then he picks up his fucking cat and says, “Say hello to the people of Australia.” And the cat meows.

    Then he says, “Starting an international incident”, which I don’t understand. How is a cat meowing at all controversial? Then he sarcastically says, “Starting this video off great.”

    If he knows it’s bad, which it is, WHY RELEASE IT? Unless I’m wrong, this is going to be Newt Wallen’s introduction to whatever drunks and low-lifes stumble into some sleazy cinema at midnight in some town in Australia. THIS is how he wants to introduce himself? With this totally amateur video that he did NO preparation for? He’s presenting himself as the fucking writer and director of the movie.

    “How we doing uh…Perthians, Perthanites. Can you tell I did no research and I’m just winging this.”

    Yes. Of course. Why not put effort in? Why is he so afraid of effort?

    I’ll tell you why. Because he knows that everything he does is fucking shit. He knows that he has no talent whatsoever. So if he did something that he put effort into, people would say, “This is fucking dog shit” and that would hurt his view of himself as the fucking Ideas Man. But if he just churns out shit that he didn’t put any effort into, he has a built-in excuse. “I was TRYING to make something shitty.”

    0:15 – “I like these kinds of things because I’ll hit record and just start talking and then when it’s over, my brain goes, ‘I would have never thought of that’”

    This is going to be on the big screen, in Perth, as the director and writer and star of the movie introduces it.

    0:30 – “Hello, everyone. I am Newt Wallen. I am the co-writer, the producer, and the ‘actor’ but I don’t think there’s enough sarcastic quotations to go around for that one.”

    He made air quotes around “actor”. If the movie is shit, which it is, why even promote it? You’re just rubbing the fact that the audience wasted their money in their face.

    0:45 – “I’m super excited that this film is out there and it’s playing in the Land Down Under, which is still bizarre to me. I grew up so…I’m 43 years old so I was alive in that perfect era where Australian things were like really, really popular in America.”

    He goes on to talk about seeing Yahoo Serious, which was, effectively, the end of the Australian popularity in the US. What year was this?

    He’s referring to Young Einstein (1988). So Newt would have been…five? Six?

    This is the perfect era to appreciate the mid-1980s Australian chic? I’m a few years older than Newt and I barely remember it. How the fuck is he in the “perfect era” for this? Even by his own admission, he was five or six when the LAST Australian movie that was at all popular in the US was shown.

    And he remembers this? He remembers being five and six and asking his parents to see Young Einstein? I’ve mentioned this many times over the years, in reference to this fake fucking *nostalgia* that these shit “Youtubers” invent, but I remember NOTHING from when I was five or six years old. Am I weird or are they weird?

    Well, let me think about this. I remember stuff from kindergarden. You’re probably about six then. But I don’t remember anything from my home life. Maybe I just wasn’t doing anything. That’s a very real possibility.

    But no, Australian chic is CLEARLY before Newt’s time. It’s before my time. When was Mad Max released? 1979? That’s earlier than I thought. But Mad Max 2 (1981) is when the franchise took off. You’d have to be at least 10 years old in 1981 to be able to appreciate the movie and the whole cultural awareness around Australia. So to make the arithmetic easy, let’s say you have to have been born in 1970 AT LEAST to be in the “perfect era” for this. That would make you 55 years old today.

    And here’s another thing, WHO GIVES A SHIT about Australian chic in the US? The audience for this thing are Australians. They don’t care about your patronising bullshit about how Americans haven’t cared about Australia in 40 years. They have their own shit going on. Do you think Australians are sitting around worried about what Americans think about their country? They don’t give the slightest of fucks, just as Americans don’t care what Australians think about their country. Why should they?

    And Newt clearly knows nothing about Australia. He’s getting all of his information about Australia from a shitty movie that he saw as a five year old, nearly forty years ago. I don’t think that Young Einstein was representative of Australia in 1988 and it’s certainly not representative of Australia today.

    “But I grew up with Ozpoloitation films.”

    A phrase that nobody has ever used. Let me look this up.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ozploitation

    They attribute the first use of this term to a 2008 documentary.

    “I was literally just talking about Stone and Chain Reaction the other night at work.”

    Oh, sure. Those classics. Never heard of them. Let’s look this shit up too.

    Stone (1974) and Chain Reaction (1980). Newt (1982) must have asked his parents to see those movies when he was still in his dad’s ball sack. That was the “perfect era” for enjoying “Ozploitation.”

    Not even Newt’s parents were watching this shit. Newt’s mother was 17 when she had him so she was born in about 1965. She probably wasn’t watching Stone or Chain Reaction but okay, it’s feasible that she would have watched Mad Max and the Facts of Life season that had Pippa and whatever. Although, actually, what season was that…she surely had Newt by then. It was the final season so 1988. Same as Young Einstein.

    So maybe Newt was chilling with his 22 year old mother, when he was five years old, watching the final season of the Facts of Life. Newt is whining about how his mother never says that she loves him and Mrs Wallen says, “Please, Newt, can you quiet down? I get the feeling that we’re in the final year of Ozploitation. This is my era. I want to enjoy it.”

    Mrs Wallen would be right. This was her era. It sure as fuck wasn’t Newt’s.

    1:30 – Newt talks about how he was “Facebook friends” with the director of Swamp Zombies 2 in 2016, and that he’s still “Facebook friends” with this guy, and this lead to Newt getting…whatever nebulous role that he got out of this.

    “I was very much at a crossroads in my life. I went to film school. I wasn’t very successful there. I was part of different Youtube shows over the years but nothing really took off.”

    Well, the plagiarism kind of took off.

    1:45 – “I had a lot of friends who were kind of losing faith that I could ever produce a film so this movie really came about as a — not a goof but as a, ‘Oh crap, if I want to keep people in my life, I kind of really need to figure out how to make a movie really fast.”

    He’s literally talking about Horseface in this thing. Horseface. His need to make a movie so that he could still hang out with Horseface. Because Horseface, like the rest of the whores he surrounds himself with, only hang out with him in exchange for money and to be in these zero budget “tits and gore” movies, almost none of which ever getting released.

    Newt…the drunks in Perth who are there for this screening of an old shitty amateur movie don’t need to hear about your personal hangups in regards to HORSEFACE. It’s completely irrelevant. TALK ABOUT THE MOVIE.

    Then the clip just abruptly ends mid-word. This was just the “teaser”, after all. Or “tease” as the illiterate Ideas Man says. If you want to watch the full video, up there on the big screen, of this dimly-lit video in Newt’s living room where he rambles about red-haired women who don’t talk to him anymore, you have to travel to one of the seedier areas of Perth, find the last remaining porno theatre, and pay the five dollarydoos to see the movie. Bunch of dudes in hats with those corks attached to the brim jacking each other off while Newt drones on about how unjust it was that he got fired from “that place I used to work at.”

  • The Fabulous Return of PVC Bondage Guy

    I was drifting in and out of sleep for this one. I swear that I heard it all but I couldn’t tell you much about it.

    The main takeaway here is that PVC Bondage Guy has the delusion that she’s now buff. Muscular. Ripped. Shredded. Call it what you will, PVC Bondage Guy is not it. AT ALL. I’m sorry.

    Newt and the horntards fuel her delusions throughout the video but fucking look at her. She’s much bigger than she was a year or two ago, nobody can argue with that, but it’s 100% fat. She got this way from eating fried chicken products the size of her head from Domino’s. Not from working out.

    I think that her left nipple is showing throughout the entire video too but I didn’t want to look too closely.

    She even sounds like a fat chick now.

    I spend much of the video trying to figure out what her tattoo is. It’s a hexagon-shaped thing so I’m thinking something to do with Satan. Six sides, you know. 666. And PVC Bondage Guy is a fan of throwing the devil horns hand sign.

    Another interesting takeaway is that she moved to New Jersey I gues within the past year or so. She’s living with a Mexican guy who she describes as a roommate. In a basement apartment where the ceiling is so low that she can barely stand upright, at 5’7″. She had a friend help her move and he was six feet or so and he couldn’t even come in, the ceiling was so low. She describes the difficulty she has in getting dressed because when she puts her hands over her head, her hands hit the ceiling.

    What the fuck kind of place is this? I’ve lived in some shitholes but nothing like this. And she’s SHARING this place. Her share of the rent must be like $100/month.

    She also says that she’s working in a factory now. So not the bowling alley.

    Presumably the job pays more and she knows what she can afford but if you can afford to spend any more money at all on a place to live, please do so. She’s living in some weird hobbit house with some Mexican guy she doesn’t know.

    That’s another thing. If you need a roommate, find a woman. It will be a whole lot easier.

    I know that PVC Bondage Guy will say, “I identify as a man” or “I’m transmasc” or whatever. Fine. You do you. But nobody else sees you as anything but a woman. A very large woman. And living with another woman, big or small, would avoid a lot of problems.

    I’m not saying that this Mexican guy is going to do anything. I’ve had female roommates in mixed-gender living situations. Nothing happened. But why tempt fate?

    This is an odd aside, but I was watching the Match Game recently, Erin Plays’ favourite game show. Ray Borne (as Erin calls him) or Gene Rayburn (as the rest of the world prefers) asked a young woman contestant what was on her chain or necklace or whatever. And the woman casually said, “It’s a rape whistle.” And Gene and Eva Gabor and Charles Nelson Reilly and the gang just sort of chuckled awkardly about it. Like it’s a fad, which, I guess it was.

    So anyway, the woman wins five thousand bucks or whatever for matching with Richard Dawson and in the frenzied excitement, Gene takes her rape whistle and starts blowing into it like it’s a toy.

    How wildly inappropriate is this? What was Gene signaling? That there’s going to be a rape? And people knew about germs in the 1970s. Now she has to disinfect this whistle. Who the fuck knows what Gene had. Herpes or the like. He kissed every single woman panelist on the show. It was creepy as fuck.

    Anyway, back to PVC Bondage Guy. What must that Mexican guy be doing to live in a property like that? Maybe he’s an illegal immigrant and working low-paying jobs.

    There’s no way that a place with a 5’8″ ceiling can be being rented out legally.

    I saw a listing on an apartment rental website for a garage that was advertised as “alternative living opportunity.” I think there was some kind of electricity hookup but what about a bathroom? Surely not. Do you have to supply your own bucket or what?

    Oh yeah, and PVC Bondage Guy says that she’s going to have her first match soon. Her first match in front of people, I guess. She says, almost certainly rightly, that she doesn’t think that she’s ready for it. Well, at least she has some awareness.

    Watching the video again, she reminds me of Ian Ferguson from Pat Contri’s shrill podcast. And he lives with a Mexican person too. Vonnie. His long-time girlfriend Vonnie. You guys all know Vonnie, right? He talks about her constantly. It took me about six months to figure out that he wasn’t saying “Bonnie.” Apparently, “Vonnie” is a real name that people have. At least one person.

    Speaking of which, this video is entitled “It’s Matt” (or actually “ITS MATT” because idiot Ideas Man doesn’t know how contractions work. It’s a reference to somebody calling PVC Bondage Guy “Matt” instead of her preferred name of “Metz”. He obviously misheard. She mentions some other similar name that she sometimes gets called too.

    Heaven forfend that somebody can’t figure out what the fuck “Metz” is. When you completely invent a name, you have to expect that people won’t always get it right.

    God, watching this video now, fully awake this time, PVC Bondage Guy is fucking enormous. And it’s all fat. It’s not right that people are feeding her delusion that this is muscle. You don’t get muscular triple chins.

    I’m not here to fat shame. I’m all for PVC Bondage Guy getting into shape. But actually do it. Eat right and exercise. Lift weights. Justin Silverman is not the world’s strongest man.

    One of the horntards, presumably as a sick joke, asked PVC Bondage Guy if she’s on steroids and she denied it. Well, maybe start. I mean, if you’re serious about this wrestling shit, which you clearly aren’t.

    She also talks about getting injured. She was doing some move and her leg felt numb and she couldn’t move. This does not bode well. She seems to get injured a lot. And look at this fucking exercise regime that she’s on. She’s doing all of her reps at the Chinese buffet instead of the gym. No wonder she’s always injured. You can’t gain 150 pounds in a year or two and expect it not to have a toll on your body.

    The horntards also ask why the image is reversed. Like you can see the posters in the background are flipped.

    It’s true. Why is this the case? Newt is a professional film maker. There’s probably just a setting on his phone that he has to change. He can’t figure this out?

    Anyway, Newt was his usual creepy, self-obsessed, asshole self throughout. And PVC Bondage Guy…well, I’ll always like her no matter how enormous and/or crazy she gets. But maybe Newt can do something right for a change and help PVC Bondage Guy get the help that she so desperately needs. Pool your resources and try to get a group rate for a psychologist. They both desperately need professional help. And not whatever quack Newt claims to be going to or used to go to who would just say, “Stay the course, Ideas Man!”. That person clearly did not have Newt’s best interests at heart. Find somebody competent.

    This is problem number ten billion with the US. No mental health support. What is this? The time of Charlemagne?

    , ,

  • Florida Man Saves Christmas is a Boring Concept

    Newt Wallen has a list of projects that never go anywhere but they have titles like Shark Vampire, Planet Frankenstein, Amityville Pool Toy Massacre, Mars vs Cheerleaders, and Sucks 2 Suck. Actually, I guess those titles are all lame and uninspired. But as plagiarised and hackneyed as these works are, he’s at least attempting something more…outlandish than Florida Man. Florida Man is just a fucking guy living in Florida. Who gives a shit? He’s not a guy with a shark’s head or a guy with a disco ball for a head or a guy with a camera for a head or any of the other weird-thing-for-a-head-based characters that he comes up with. It’s not any of the Universal monsters that have fallen out of copyright. It’s not a hot chick. Why did he pick Florida Man to rip off?

    He’s obviously trying to capitalize on the “meme” but I never even heard of the “meme” until he started talking about it. I’m not going to places where people talk about “memes”, so I’m perhaps not the target audience but still. Is Florida Man a big thing? It’s from ten years ago at this point.

    And in the unlikely event that somebody wants a Florida Man comic, somebody’s already done one. YEARS ago. An actual professional comic book writer, not fucking Newt Wallen and his shit-tier writing abilities.

    https://floridamancomics.com/index.php/

    And just last year, that guy released another Florida Man-based comic. These are both written and drawn by PROFESSIONALS with years of experience. Professional writer, professional artist. Why would I go to fucking Newt for my Florida Man itch? Nobody even has a Florida Man itch.

    Why didn’t he come up with an ORIGINAL superhero or something? “Original” is almost certainly too much to ask from Newt but why didn’t he rip off an existing superhero? Or even just put a weird thing for the character’s head? There’s so much that could be done and his shitty projects that never go anywhere are…terrible but at least a little outlandish but his comic is just some guy?

    If your comic is going to be just some guy, that’s fine, but then the writing has to be exceptional. Interesting stories. Good dialogue. But we know that it won’t be. Newt’s writing has to be the worst writing I’ve ever seen from anybody. It’s shockingly bad.

    That’s why he goes with these outlandish stories with “tits and gore”. It’s a way to gloss over his absolutely horrendous writing. But Florida Man has none of that.

    So you have a boring character and absolutely atrocious writing. Plus the whole plagiarism thing, but I guess that’s going to be an issue no matter what Newt does.

    It’s a comic. You can draw anything. Why a normal guy? It would cost just as much to have an artist draw a rip-off of Spider-Man as it would a normal guy. And Spider-Man has more appeal than Florida Man.

    What are some public domain comic book characters that he could just straight up rip off? This is something that he does often. There must be some. Let me look this up.

    https://pdsh.fandom.com/wiki/Public_Domain_Super_Heroes

    Well, Santa Claus is on this list, oddly enough. Maybe Newt has seen this and that’s why it’s Florida Man Saves Christmas. Santa is a character.

    There’s fucking loads and so many of these can easily be turned into something that Newt “specializes” in. Miss Fury, Moon Girl, Lady Luck. You can have ALL of these characters in the comic.

    Do something with a wrestling character based on PVC Bondage Guy. Do an equestrian-based character based on Horseface. I mean, that one writes itself for Newt. A woman with a horse’s head for a head. How about a comic based on all of the prostitutes who Newt knows? You can’t get something out of that?

    Why am I coming up with ideas for the Ideas Man? Why is the Ideas Man so bereft of ideas?

    Florida Man is what he came up with. Of all the things in the world to plagiarize, FLORIDA MAN is what he went with. It just boggles the mind. This guy has never made a single good decision in his entire life. But somehow he thinks that everything he does is a homerun.

    Oh, I see that Newt re-tweeted something about George Foreman dying. Newt, of course, being a death-obsessed asshole. Never talked about George Foreman in his life but now he wants everybody to know about it.

    What about a comic character who has a grill for a head? This shit is easy. But no, Florida Man is what Newt is banking on. He spent money on this. He paid a guy in Brazil or somewhere to draw this shit. Six issues, apparently. Six issues of pure shit that will never even get released.

  • Newt Wallen Suing Screenwave? Tony from Hack the Movies? Horseface?

    So he starts the stream by talking about visiting a “friend” of his who’s a “go-go dancer” with some other prostitute “friends” of his and then launches into his shitty movie projects that never get released. The usual bullshit from the old Ideas Man. Then he just casually drops this:

    2:30 – “I had a very fun day yesterday with some legal matters.”

    3:15 – “I’ve been going through old laptops trying to find pieces of old scripts to build a timeline for my lawyer for some slanderous things that some people have been saying.”

    Then people just ask about his whores and the usual bullshit. Seemingly, nobody asked about these legal matters, even though Newt clearly wanted to talk about it. He didn’t include the chat so I can’t see if he just wasn’t answering the questions but I don’t think so. I think nobody asked. So he just starts talking about his whores and this go-go dancer.

    Am I completely out of touch or do go-go dancers not exist? That seems like something from the 1960s and 1970s.

    11:15 – Newt starts talking shit about James Rolfe and that Toxic Avenger game that Screenwave is working on. Newt claims that it was his idea to make the game and he hopes that it fails because nobody gave him credit for the idea. Everything is Newt’s idea. He’s the Ideas Man, after all. Newt invented video games.

    Still not a single word about this slander thing.

    12:30 – “I’ve never had a single good idea.”

    He’s attributing this quote to Screenwave. Well, they’re not wrong, Newt.

    12:45 – “Certain people recently were making fun of the fact that my comic book isn’t out yet when we’re doing that with a very small team and it’s all coming out of my pocket when they have an entire fucking studio and haven’t been able to –“

    Then he reads something from the chat about a prostitute or something and loses his train of thought. But Newt said that this comic was ready to be shipped YEARS ago. What the fuck happened? Why does he keep putting it off? Am I going to be sued by mentioning this?

    Then Newt says that the first six issues will probably be released “mid-summer”. I think that this is one of those, “James and Mike Mondays will return in February” situations. He didn’t say February of what year. Newt is giving himself a loophole. It’s going to mid-summer, 2068, to coincide with the 50th anniversary of cult classic Swamp Zombies 2, the only “movie” that Newt had some kind of vague involvement with that actually got released.

    13:45 – “One of their hangers on was coming at me the other day and I was taking screenshots of it and sending it to a (prostitute) friend of mine and we were having a good laugh at their expense because, you know.”

    Wow. You really paint a picture, Ideas Man. What the fuck is he talking about? Just some random person in his Discord or something was talking shit about him being a plagiarist or something, I guess. Maybe Newt is going to start suing random people who go to his Discord and people who leave comments on his channel and people on Reddit.

    14:00 – “Once the legal proceedings are over, maybe I’ll do a private — maybe I’ll do a Patreon Q&A again where I can tell you some of these stories. If one of my (prostitute) friends is in here right now, she knows what I did last night, which is a big old ‘fuck you’ to somebody who fucked with me and it’s pretty damned funny.”

    Umm…I guess that I have to just take your word on it. You’re pretty light on the details. “Just trust me guys, I did a funny thing. It was super funny. You’d laugh if you knew how funny it was.”

    14:15 – “The last three years I’ve been saving up information and research and finding areas that people who think they’re, you know, top of the pops or, you know, have over us, and then we realise that they left a lot of, you know, open areas for us, so –“

    Umm…I have to say, Newt, I don’t know. I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.

    He’s suing Screenwave or Ryan Schott or Tony or somebody connected with Screenwave. BUT FOR WHAT? I’ve never heard any of these people say ONE WORD about Newt. He’s going to sue them for the catty comments that they make among themselves? He’s going to sue Horseface for shutting down his creepy attempts to come on to her at his (prostitute) friend’s funeral who he fucked in the ass? It’s absurd.

    Move the fuck on, Newt. You’re a plagiarist. That’s what you are. You can’t sue somebody over that. It’s true. Exhibit A: Your entire body of work.

    He’s just doing this to get close to Horseface. This is what psychotic people do. They’ll file nuisance claims against people who they’re obsessed with because they know that they have to show up in court. He’s going to make creepy comments to her in the witness stand. “Your Honor, at this point, I’d like to show the jury every sexy scene that Miss Quin shot with me.” “For what purpose, Mr Wallen?” “Umm…well, they’ve just never been screened before and I thought that the jury might enjoy them. No? Can I show my comic then? It’s almost done.”

    15:00 – “Mel and all of her friends used to be exotic dancers.”

    He goes right back to the usual bullshit. Newt, we don’t give a shit. Tell us about Newt Wallen v Horseface.

    15:45 – Then Newt tells an absolutely vile story about how his prostitute “friend” Fallon recently had another breast enlargement surgery and she has footage of the surgery and he had this great idea for a movie, incorporating scenes from the surgery, about haunted breast implants that control the host.

    What he’s describing is season 10, episode 4 of the Simpsons, the Treehouse of Horror episode where Homer gets a haunted hair transplant from Snake that controls what Homer does. IT’S CLEARLY HIS SOURCE FOR THIS. This is what Newt does. He doesn’t have an original idea anywhere in that fucking pea-sized brain of his.

    Stupid fucking plagiarized “tits and gore” bullshit. “Oh, no, this is about haunted breast implants, not haunted hair. Totally different.”

    And I don’t know if he talks about it in this video or in a different recent one, I always fall asleep listening to them so it’s all a haze, but he was talking about Sucks 2 Suck. Somebody asked if it was ever coming out. Newt says that Fallon was reshooting a bunch of scenes but Newt insisted that his scenes were fantastic. So fantastic that his prostitute “friend” apparently deemed them unusable. He also says that his scenes were entirely improvised. That’s what he does. He churns out these god awful scripts that look like something a middle schooler would have written and then on the day of the shooting, they just throw the script out and do whatever. Because the script is total shit. But Newt has somehow convinced himself that what he does is good. His scripts are good, his ideas are good, his prostitute “friends” legitimately enjoy spending time with him and aren’t just using him for money. It’s insane. What is he on that causes this sort of massive delusion? Or if he’s not on anything, he should be on something to stop these delusions.

    16:30 – He gives the name of this movie, which he hasn’t even written a shitty script for yet, and it’s “Boooooobs”. I don’t know how many “O” exactly, I’m just estimating based on how long he made the long “O” sound.

    It’s absolute shit. It’s not funny. It’s not catchy. It’s horrendous. But this is what he does. He comes up with a PAINFULLY unfunny pun title, builds a shitty script around that painfully unfunny pun title, and then usually does absolutely nothing with it. He has thousands of these awful scripts that he shits out in a day. But in the unlikely event that something does happen with the script, IT DOESN’T EVEN GET USED. They just improvise everything.

    18:15 – He’s reading from the chat. “‘What are these screenshots that you were talking about earlier?’ What screenshots? From the Toxic Avenger?”

    He doesn’t even know what he was talking about five minutes earlier. No, the screenshots from Discord or whatever where somebody called you a plagiarist or whatever. You fucking idiot plagiarist.

    26:45 – He’s reading another comment. “Is Hack the Movies still mad at you even though you’ve been kicking ass at film? Not trying to stir the pot.” Yeah, they don’t like me. They never will again. That’s fine. The shit thing about it is that Twitter took away the block feature so now their shit will pop up periodically, like him and Crystal will pop up. Obviously, they can’t interract, I wouldn’t interract, but I liked it better when they had me blocked and I couldn’t see anything that they were doing.”

    Uh huh. You’re totally over it, Newt. You’re suing them for some bullshit but you’re totally over it.

    28:15 – Oh, here’s the part about Sucks 2 Suck. See previous comments.

    31:00 – Newt is back talking about his recent video where he was drunk. He’s explaining that he was with his prostitute “friends” to see another prostitute “dance” and how much he likes this prostitute and he was nervous, et cetera.

    32:15 – “Metz is getting jacked, man. Metz is in like crazy, bulked up shape.”

    Well, the last time I saw PVC Bondage Guy, which was like three months, she was indeed bulky. But I wouldn’t call that “jacked”. She was just stuffing her face with everything she could get her hands on. She was literally twice the size of “classic” PVC Bondage Guy. And it wasn’t muscle. It was 100% fat.

    32:45 – “My lawyer said to me last night, ‘You need to start hitting the gym’ because he wants me to fight this other dude in Vegas this summer.”

    THIS is what his lawyer is talking about? Newt is paying for THIS? This completely worthless advice? It’s a scam. He’s going to a scam lawyer. Who, other than a scam lawyer would give this kind of asinine advice? Is this a serious case or isn’t it? If even the lawyer is making jokes about it, it suggests that this is not serious. Why would he take the case then? Because if you have the money, there’s always some shyster lawyer who will take any case, no matter how ridiculous it is. And this is what Newt is doing.

    34:00 – Somebody asks him for advice about getting over a breakup with a long-term girlfriend and Newt says, “I’m still getting over that.”

    No fucking shit. Newt needs a team of psychiatrists to get him to move past Horseface among the litany of other psychological hangups that he has. There’s nothing funny about this. It’s disturbing.

    “It’s not just one person, it’s different people not being in your life any more and how you deal with it.”

    Well, if he’s referring to Tony and Justin, he was talking shit about them repeatedly in this video so apparently that’s how he gets over people not being in his life any more. He shits on them.

    Then he says that the way he dealt with it is to be around “friends”. We know what that’s a euphamism for. Prostitutes. It’s pathetic.

    35:30 – “You got to find yourself. You got to find what makes you happy.”

    Prostitutes, in Newt’s case.

    37:15 – “There’s gay gentlemen who ask me to take pictures of my dong and I do and they pay me for it. Whatever. I don’t care. You know, money’s money.”

    I see.

    38:15 – “Even the Reddit trolls, I responded to them to give them my side of the story. It didn’t matter anyway because they just shared it anyway as, ‘Look at this fucking asshole’ and yeah.”

    42:30 – Newt is “flirting” with some prostitute who’s in the chat, talking about how he needs her to be in her underwear for some “tits and gore” film that he’s never going to make.

    I have to say that I’m disappointed in these prostitutes. NEWT is the guy who they’re shaking down? How much money can Newt possibly have? He must up to his eyeballs in medical debt, student loan debt, and who the fuck knows what else and he’s making $30,000/year at the cinema and blowing all of his money on these fucking awful “tits and gore” movies that never go anywhere.

    1:06:00 – “Every dinosaur in my script is named after a famous dinosaur in something.”

    This was in relation to a question about Denver the Last Dinosaur and Newt is talking about one of his “tits and gore” scripts that will never go anywhere. And he’s saying this shortly after mocking people for calling him a plagiarist. This is all that he does. Everything is plagiarised. I don’t know how he doesn’t see it.

    He was also talking about how the Screenwave people, I think mostly Ryan Schott, was telling him that none of his ideas are any good and he’ll never let Newt make any of these projects. This was back when Newt was working at Screenwave for those glorious three months or whatever it was. And Newt is saying this in a mocking tone as in, “Oh, my ideas aren’t any good? Well, look at what I’m doing now.”

    YOU’RE DOING NOTHING. And your ideas are all absolutely, putrid, rotten, fucking monkey shit. Everybody can see it except apparently for Newt. Ryan was 100% right. Newt’s ideas aren’t just bad, they’re…how to even describe the magnitude of how bad Newt’s ideas are. It’s all the same fucking trash.

    And then you read his actual scripts and it’s literally like a child wrote it. It’s full of spelling and grammar errors, there’s no character development AT ALL, the plot goes nowhere, it’s just random shit happening for no reason, and there are “tits and gore”.

    THIS guy calls himself “The Ideas Man”. The Delusional Man more like. The Psychotic Man. The Derranged Man. The Pathetic Man. The Prostitute-Loving Man. The Stalker Man. But The Ideas Man? No fucking way.

    1:06:45 – “Just have new ideas. Let’s do something new.”

    He’s talking about Disney but the irony is entirely lost on him. This is a guy who earlier in the stream rattled off various “projects” that he claims he’s working on and they all had titles along the lines of “Cheerleader Strippers from Mars”. Every fucking one of them. The Ideas Man. Hey, Ideas Man, COME UP WITH SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR ONCE, YOU PLAGIARISING, WHORE-MONGERING, DELUSIONAL PIECE OF SHIT. His brain is so riddled by syphilis that this is all that he can come up with.

    Anyway, fuck this guy. I’m not watching the last ten minutes of this shit. He’s not going to have anything interesting to say. When has he ever had anything interesting to say?

    , ,

  • Visual Proof Protection Prayers Work – Ghost Behaviorist FIles – Chris Bores

    I laughed just from the title. I thought that he was going to do some, “You don’t see any ghosts, do you? My prayers must be working” thing.

    But no. Let me watch this again to try to piece together exactly what he was talking about because I didn’t get it the first time.

    0:00 – “Hey guys. Ghost Doctor Chris here.”

    It’s just funny.

    “I wanted to do this video. I don’t know how good it’s going to turn out.”

    Not good at all, as it happens.

    “As you know, I bless my house nearly every night.”

    I didn’t know that. Sounds like crazy person talk, Dr BORES.

    “I do a hedric(?) protection prayer so that nothing gets in.”

    Or something.

    I’m not even 15 seconds in.

    Then he points the camera at the ground. It’s nice and he doesn’t seem to have any light on his camera. Or at least not enough. He says that there was frost the previous night. Not unusual for Ohio at this time of year.

    Then he shows a “thin strip” in the dirt where he walks around his house every day doing this “hedric” prayer or whatever. And there’s frost, apparently, in this strip of dirt.

    That’s it. That’s the proof that ghosts are real. There’s frost in this shallow canal around his house.

    First of all, you can’t see ANYTHING. I didn’t see as much as a single snowflake. I also didn’t see this path around the house.

    But let’s assume that there is some kind of path around his house because he’s walking around his house every day doing his “hedric” prayer. He does it so often that it leaves a little indentation around the house. Fine.

    Let’s also assume that there’s frost. Why wouldn’t there be frost in this indentation? That would be the last place that the frost would melt because it’s better protected from the sun. You don’t have to be a scientist to know this. This is observable nature.

    But, inexplicably, he places some kind of importance on this. Who the fuck knows why.

    The comments are just people shitting on Dr BORES. I don’t think that there’s a single person who believes any of this nonsense that he talks about.

    Oh wait. Here’s a genuine comment. A lot of these “positive” comments I assume are just people being sarcastic.

    • “If someone you know has been, targetted by a spirit or demon and it seems theyre beyond reproach, is it best to just cut off ties incase its effecting you by proxy?”

    It’s a fine question. What should you do if a loved one is being haunted by ghosts? Ironically, this gentleman is thinking of “ghosting” his friend in his time of need.

    People are going to Chris BORES for ghost-related relationship advice like he’s a demon Dear Abby.

    Like fifteen years ago, some male relative by marriage wrote a letter to Dear Abby complaining about my bitch of a sister. And even though this guy was right about his description of my sister, Dear Abby tore into him.

    But it’s just insane that a heterosexual man, under the age of 80, would have written a letter to Dear Abby in like 2010. Abigail van Buren was LONG DEAD. Her daughter had taken over years earlier. The newspaper industry was largely dead as well.

    How old is this woman anyway? Holy shit. 83 years old. And that’s the DAUGHTER. This guy was writing to a 70 year old woman asking about familial relationship advice to a NEWSPAPER in 2010.

    Apparently, the Dear Abby column still exists. In what capacity? How many newspapers can there be any more? And she’s 83. Maybe it’s time to retire. There’s no way she’s writing that shit any more. She has a team of people around her who are just propping her up Weekend at Bernie’s style.

    At least whoever owns the rights to Ann Landers has the sense to end the column gracefully after the original author died.

    https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby

    This is apparently the sort of place you can find Dear Abby nowadays. Some weird website that collects zombie advice columns.

    And look at that picture of Jeanne Phillips aka Dear Abby. She doesn’t look a day over 50. Because the picture is at least 30 years old. I distinctly remember that exact same picture being used in the newspaper 30 years ago. What a fucking scam. Update your photo.

    Wow, this website also carries Miss Manner. No way does that still exist. That was fucking ridiculously antiquated even 30 years ago.

    Holy shit. Not only does it still exist but she’s still alive. She’s 86 and still cranking out these condescending articles.

    Anyway, back to Dr BORES.

    He starts by saying “happy Holidays”, which is weird because Chris is a big Jesus nut. The war for the word “Christmas” has truly been lost in the US. Even Jesus freaks think that it’s normal to say “happy Holidays.”

    “I had an interview with a big show. It’s called The Bert Show.”

    Oh sure. The Bert Show. That’s the big time.

    Speaking of antiquated bullshit…radio shows? Who’s listening to this stuff?

    Let me see if I can find anything about The Bert Show…in Toledo, I guess.

    There’s some radio show in Atlanta with some old guy named Bert (I guess) as the host. I assume that this is it but I don’t know. It doesn’t look big. Not noteworthy enough for Wikipedia.

    0:15 – “I was going to talk about the spirit world, some of my hospice work that I’ve done in the past.”

    What? He’s going to old folks homes and conning these people? What else can he be suggesting? Why would he talk about working in hospices alongside his “spirit world” “work”? He’s targetting people with mush for brains with this bullshit.

    So anyway, Dr BORES called this radio show (the “interview” was done over the phone) but then Dr BORES’ phone started acting up. He’s talked about his haunted phone before. If it’s in warranty, just take it back to the store and they’ll give you a new one. It’s not a big deal. The warranty covers haunted phones.

    As a result of Chris’ phone cutting out, they ended the interview. Chris listened to the interview afterwards and realised that they just cut all of it out and made fun of him. Dr BORES is an understanding guy, though, so he didn’t hold it against Bert from The Bert Show. That big time celebrity.

    Apparently, you can listen to it but I won’t be doing that.

    Then they called him back and asked if he has Skype. Speaking of things that are old-fashioned.

    But Dr BORES arranged a Zoom meeting. Unfortunately, ghosts were infecting his internet connection. So he did a blessing and there weren’t any problems after that.

    Did you try turning your router off and on? I find that that usually works better than doing a blessing.

    • “Chris, do you believe it’s possible for spirits to infest a Discord server? I’ve been having strange occurrences with my mic over the past two weeks. And something tells me this isn’t some ordinary run-of-the-mill technical issue. It’s been incredibly frustrating for myself and several of my friends, so I would love to get your take on this whenever possible. Anyway, thanks for posting really amazing and insightful videos on the subject! My friends and I are super huge fans. Hope things have been going well on your end, and that you and your loved ones have been having an amazing holiday together.”

    Is this the same guy as the previous comment? No. Somebody different. Can a ghost infect a Discord server? Well, if they can infect Dr BORES’ phone and his internet connection, I have to assume so.

    A lot of comments about his channel getting hacked. That’s right. It seems to be up now, though.

    I notice that Jared Genesis leaves a lot of comments and they seem to be legitimate comments, supporting the nonsense that Dr BORES says. Jared Genesis is an…odd fellow.

    Here’s a video where Dr BORES says that ghosts are haunting all of his family’s car batteries. Then he plugs his ghost book.

  • MONSTER DOUBLE FEATURE: WOLF MAN & NOSFERATU – Newt Wallen

    You can put it in caps all you like, Newt. People still aren’t going to watch.

    Newt has been putting some different prostitutes in his videos for the past…how long has it been? Two months? When did we last see PVC Bondage Guy? Yeah, two months ago.

    So he’s bringing in a new crew or working gals from his enormous rolodex of prostitutes. There was Amber for a while. He just talked about fucking her all the time while she wanted to talk about, you know, anything else. I couldn’t watch the videos so can’t tell you much about them.

    Then there was this Gypsy woman.

    Maybe she’s just working on her Rhoda Halloween costume. You guys like Rhoda, don’t you? Such a contemporary reference. I’m currently working on a one man show around Flo, the sassy waitress from Alice.

    But anyway, this gypsy seems…okay? I guess. I watched about two minutes of her showing off Simpsons crap that she got from Burger King. The subject matter made things tolerable but I’m sure that she’s just as insufferable as all the other prostitutes that Newt has around him.

    Except for PVC Bondage Guy. PVC Bondage Guy is a rock. I don’t care what anyone says, she’s okay in my books. But she hasn’t been seen since she literally doubled in size. I suspect that the two things are linked. Newt said, “I can put up with craziness, horse faces, gold-diggers, but absolutely no fat chicks.”

    It’s unfortunate. PVC Bondage Guy was the one decent co-host he had. She was to Newt was Newt was to Tony from Hack the Movies. All of Tony’s co-hosts were SHIT: Horseface, Johanna, Mint Salad, her fat hillbilly pimp, all of those bearded nobodies. But Newt was actually good on the show. When Horseface wasn’t around, at least.

    Oh well. Hopefully, PVC Bondage Guy is getting the help that she needs. That woman needs a whole team of psychiatrists working with her.

    So we’ve got fucking…I don’t know…what’s her name on this. Mel? Who knows or cares?

    1:00 – Newt is talking about the heated chairs in the cinema. “You were pushing buttons and were like’ Oh, my butt’s getting warm’ and I was like, ‘Well…’”

    Umm…is that how female anatomy works? Their butts get warm when they’re aroused? I don’t think so. I’ll have to ask my doctor next time I have an appointment.

    What a fucking retard. What is he even implying? Can his understanding of human physiology possibly be this bad? There’s some sort of anal response to arousal? He’s a fucking moron. Always ready to shoe-horn a painfully unfunny sex joke where it doesn’t belong even if said joke makes NO SENSE.

    Newt has that replica Rocky belt on the wall behind him that some horntard gave him. He also allegedly took some nude pictures or…something…with it on his OnlyFans. Who even knows? Who is possibly going to Newt’s OnlyFans? But he posts gay shit on there. Not even joking. He says that he sold pictures of his cock to some old gay guys.

    And he has “NW” letters behind him like he’s 10 years old. He really wants people to know what his name is. He decorates his home with HIS NAME.

    7:30 – Anyway, they’re talking about the movie. I’m sure that they’re going to talk about some creepy shit but I’m bored out of my mind. Newt, fuck off with this. It’s unwatchable. You’re a bore. Your prostitutes are a bore.

    You wouldn’t think it. On the face of it, a man doing a Youtube channel with a bunch of prostitutes SHOULD be interesting. They’re going to have stories to tell, whatever. But no. They just summarise a fucking movie and Newt sometimes makes some creepy comment to the prostitute’s displeasure. In the case of that fucking crack addict, she’ll tell you to send her money. That’s it. I don’t want to watch that. Come on. Give the audience some credit.

    If you have nothing interesting to say, just don’t make a video. We don’t need this. And Newt never has anything interesting to say. He has about five topics: his failing health, his “tits and gore” movies that never get made, his boring as fuck movie summaries, what’s up with white folk, and how his mother never said that she loved him.

    Can you blame her, Newt? Come on. You’re trash.

    He’s probably the worst person I’ve ever know. And that covers a lot of territory.

    Oh, Linda Lavin died just about a month ago. I assume that Newt tweeted about it. Polly Holliday is still with us, fortunately.

  • Angry Video Game Nerd 8-bit – Announcement Trailer – Cinemassacre

    I wouldn’t normally cover an advertisement but reading the replies on TheCinemassacreTruth on Reddit made me realise some things about who these people are.

    It looks like a shitty 8-bit platformer. And the video is interspliced with annoying clips of Jimmy pretending to play the game with his horrendous acting.

    It’s going to be released as an NES cartridge so they’re going for the uber-nerd collector market but it’s also going to be released on Switch and Steam and whatever. There was another one. Playstation 5, maybe.

    From MegaCat Studios. I can’t say that I’m familiar with their work. Let me look this up.

    Located in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. James seems to make all of his decisions based on how far people are from his home. And look how that turns out. Screenwave are complete dogshit and ruined his channel but at least they live nearby.

    They’re on Wikipedia at least. “A major element of their business model of publishing new video games for “retro systems” has involved including a physical manual and case for each of their releases.”

    So it’s a company based on a gimmick. What’s the market for these nerds who want to collect physical copies of “new” NES games? It can’t be huge.

    Very few of their games have their own Wikipedia page. A lot of this looks like shovelware garbage. The few games that did have Wikipedia pages says that the game had “mixed to average” reviews. That means that they sucked. Let me see if there’s anything on Steam.

    Eight games.

    • Positive – 1
    • Mostlly positive – 2
    • Mixed – 3
    • Insufficient reviews – 2

    It doesn’t scream quality.

    It’s just three guys cranking this shit out. I mean, good for them, but in terms of quality of the games, it seems low. This isn’t a passion for these guys, this is just a way to make money. They seem to make deals with old IPs and then crank out a shitty sequel or remake, cashing in *nostalgia*. Exactly what they seem to be doing with this AVGN game.

    Limited Run Games are the other people involved. I’m thinking that they’re just involved in the distribution of the NES physical copies.

    But anyway, you look at the comments on Reddit, even on this hate sub TheCinemassacreTruth, and people are chomping at the bit to play this no doubt shitty game.

    • “This looks fun”
    • “Slobwave games are always fun. I’ll probably buy this.”
    • “Looks fun, I love me some homebrew retro games.”
    • “pretty glad this is happening, i liked avgn adventures quite a lot, hopefully this’ll be about as good”
    • “James is cringe but the game itself looks good”

    These are the biggest fucking nerds on the planet. These are people who usually do nothing but make homoerotic pictures of James Rolfe and the various men involved in some way with AVGN. And posts about Mike Matei’s penis. These are the same people who really looking forward to play this game. Giant gay fucking nerds.

    I never played those AVGN games. They looked like total shit. Even if they were good, which I don’t think they were, why would I want to play as The Angry Video Game Nerd? Why would that be an IP that would appeal to me? A fucking Youtuber?

    Would I play an Erin Plays game? I mean, I guess I’d be obligated to for the blog but were it not for the blog, absolutely no chance.

    And choosing a game based on IP…what adult even does that? As a kid, I’d get a Spider-Man game or something and even if it sucked, which it did, I’d still play it. But the fact remains that it sucks.

    As an adult, I’m a little more savy. I choose games based on whether or not they’re good games. And this does not look like a good game.

    Why spend $30 on this, or whatever the physical release will be…$70 when you can get any number of good games for that price? Because you want to run around as an 8-bit James Rolfe? Killing these generic enemies? I’m just guessing on those prices, by the way.

    I wouldn’t mind a more realistic game where you play as James Rolfe. We can just take the mountain climbing video for instance. The controls would have be bad like in Lester the Unlikely or something but fully 3-D. It would simulate James’ poor health and poor walking shoes as he attempted to climb that mountain. You get a couple of twigs to very slightly improve the controls. Poop is obviously a powerup. There’s some sort of an emotional meter in the game and when it gets too low, he starts crying about his children. It should be virtually impossible to get up that mountain. But perhaps you can unlock a character who’s a normal 40 year old man who can get up the mountain, no problem.

    And that’s just the mountain video. There’s loads of shit that could be done. A Guitar Hero game based on Rex Viper but you’d be playing as James Rolfe so it would be extremely difficult to hit any of the notes.

    What about a management sim game where you’re Screenwave and you have to motivate a retard to do his job while dealing with homosexual men on Reddit and balancing the books and whatnot.

    There’s loads that can be done. But what do we get instead? A boring as fuck cookie cutter platformer that was cranked out in a week by three guys in Pennsylvania on a shoestring budget. And the boys on Reddit are all about it.

    These are the same people who talk about watching AVGN videos multiple times. Are they insane or am I insane? I’ve seen probably all of the AVGN videos but…just once. Like a normal person. Right? I’m not going back and watching again. A Youtube video? What’s the point? These videos weren’t even enjoyable the first time.

    Jimmy talked about writing another book. I wonder what that’s about. He could just do an episode guide. I guess. I mean…who would buy it? These fucking gay nerds on Reddit, I suppose. But he’d have to have actual interesting stuff to say and given what was in the autobiography, I don’t think that’s possible. Maybe get a ghostwriter. And not fucking Justin Silverman. Get somebody who’s qualified. For once.

    I had the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode guide.

    https://www.cygnus-x1.net/links/lcars/EPS.php

    Oh. “Companion”. I “always” “forget” that it’s called Star Trek: The Next Generation Companion. I had the first edition. The blue one there. The show was still going on when I got it so it didn’t have the last…I don’t know…couple of seasons in it. But apparently there’s a second edition which I think has every episode in it. I read it and it was interesting. As a 12 year old, anyway. Talked about behind the scenes shit for each episode.

    I read Barry Williams’ book as a kid too. He did an episode guide on the Brady Bunch. He was Greg.

    I was going to get the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 episode guide but then I got the internet and that was like a big thing to me. I no longer had to look for these episode guides because everything was on the internet. If I wanted to see some nerd’s opinion on each episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, now I could do so.

    Oh yeah. It’s still up.

    https://www.mst3kinfo.com/episodes

    It’s completely baffling how little AVGN stuff was in his biography but the man is a retard. Who can ever guess what he’s going to do next? You know it’s going to be stupid and the wrong move but in what capacity?

  • Just the Tip – Kung Fu – Mike Matei

    I bring corrections.

    0:30 – “Usually in this game, I will kick the enemies because I find the kick to be a little bit safer because you have more distance.”

    Well, duh. The kick has a longer reach. But punching gives you double the points. That’s the distinction. Punches have a shorter reach but you get more points.

    THIS is a pro gamer? Didn’t even know the points distinction in Kung Fu? Outrageous.

    There’s your “challenge mode”. Do a punch-only run. There may even be advantages to it. I think that you get extra lives when you get a certain score.

    I had the game for the Atari 2600. I think it was one of the last games that I had. It must have been a later game on the system. It was the same shit. Punches gave double the points.

    I don’t think that I played the NES version until many years later, through emulation. I probably played the arcade version through emulation too.

    But there’s another “challenge” for the proprietor of Man Baby Gaming. Play the Atari version. I’ve watched this video and I can assure you that the bosses aren’t as easy in that game as he’s making them out to be in the NES version.

    0:45 – “But if you get in a situation where it’s like this and the guys are up on you, it might be a better idea to use punches as they’re a little closer to you.”

    No. It has no effect. That’s not even what’s happening. When the enemies grab you, which is what he’s demonstrating, you have to move back and forth quickly. Move the joystick or the d-pad back and forth. He did it unknowingly. The punch had absolutely nothing to do with anything. He only seemed to move back and forth once so that’s apparently all it takes but it 100% was not the punch that killed those guys.

    2:00 – He refers to short enemies as “kids”. They’re midgets. Midgets are something of a staple in kung fu movies. I guess. I don’t know. But I’ve definitely seen midgets in kung fu movies and that’s what these enemies are.

    5:15 – He was about to say “bullshit” but said “baloney” instead. He really wants that Youtube money.

    Wait…at the end of the video, he gets grabbed again but just does a low kick and it seems to work. Let me look this up. I could swear that you have to rock the joystick (or d-pad) back and forth to kill these enemies.

    “The only way they can remove any life from your energy gauge is by running up and grabbing on to you. Even this pathetic attempt at aggression is easily warded off by a quick back and forth flick of the d-pad, and the poor bastards just fly off the screen to their deaths.”

    That was from GameFaqs. Remember GameFaqs? That’s cool.

    So I was right.

    I expect a full correction video. Three mistakes in a six minute video? Unacceptable. Especially when you’re presenting yourself as an expert at the game. I’ve only played the Atari version and I know these things.

    I also want an apology for the ignorant comments he made in a previous stream about China Warrior, or as Erin ignorantly called it the one time she played the game, on stream, for money, “The Kung Fu” (which is the Japanese title, something she didn’t know, of course, she was just reading what the game was labeled as in the rom list that Mike compiled for her). It’s basically the same fucking game as Kung Fu. Just better. But because it’s for the TurboGrafx 16 instead of the NES, Mike instantly shit on it.

    China Warrior is a bad game, no question, but so is Kung Fu.

    I wonder why kung fu movies were so beloved by black Americans back in the 1970s. What’s the crossover? Of course, people of any race enjoyed the movies but it had a significant impact on black American culture. A lot of blaxploitation movies involved kung fu. There’s the Wu Tang Clan. Carl Douglas.

    I suppose a lot of the movies are about oppression.