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  • VACATION POLTERGEISTS – At It Again – Chris Bores

    I think that I found a new favourite channel. I haven’t laughed this hard in I don’t know how long.

    So he recorded this with his phone and originally published the video on Twitter. It has these annoying words that light up as he speaks. Like the transcript.

    0:00 – He talks about “battling all of the dark crazies on the other side.”

    He’s with his family on vacation for Memorial Day. He’s staying in a cabin. He has a golf cart. He’s not golfing, I think he’s just at some place where you can go to…I don’t know. He doesn’t explain. But there are other places to go to at this venue and you’re expected to tool around in a golf cart to do that. That’s humiliating. I would never go to such a place.

    So he was coming back from the pool with his family, while riding on this golf cart. He only used it for ten minutes. Then it died in the middle of the road.

    0:30 – “I looked at my wife and I was like, ‘Here we go again.’ We have the worst luck with electronics because these things just attack the electronics.”

    The golf cart broke down so Chris’ immediate reaction is, “It must be ghosts.”

    I would have liked to hear about his wife’ reaction to this. Is she going along with this ghost nonsense?

    How seriously is Chris taking this? He knows that it’s bullshit, surely. How can he not? He’s developing these cheap contraptions and going on local news programs at Halloween. This is a scam. He can’t believe this.

    But I don’t know. Maybe he does. Because he says a lot of absolutely batshit crazy stuff that I’m pretty sure that he believes in. Not limited to the undead. He’s mentally ill.

    The comments in these videos are 100% making fun of Chris. There’s not one person who believes any of this shit. So if it’s a scam, it can’t possibly be a successful one. Maybe, at least on some level, he believes this nonsense about ghosts haunting his vacation golf cart.

    Why would a ghost attack a golf cart? If the ghost wanted to kill Chris, wouldn’t they attack his car when he’s going 80 miles an hour?

    Are ghosts even interested in electronics? How long have these ghosts been dead? Do they even know what this shit is? You think some Colonial-era ghost knows how to disable a golf cart? They’ve never seen such a thing when they were alive. Were they studying this shit in the afterlife? Maybe took an automotive course in the afterlife?

    Even if it was the ghost of somebody who died fairly recently, which you don’t hear about often. Ghosts tend to be from the old days. But even if it was somebody who died recently, they’d still have to know about the inner workings of a golf cart. I’d have no fucking idea how to disable a golf cart. I’d be the worst poltergeist ever, at least as far as electronics go.

    And why Memorial Day? Why target Chris on Memorial Day? Is the day relevant? Maybe it’s the ghost of a dead soldier who’s upset that Chris is tooling around in a golf cart on Memorial Day instead of honoring the war dead. The ghost is angry that the holiday has been turned into an excuse to have barbeques.

    0:45 – So anyway, Chris goes to the office and they get the golf cart started again no problem. Chris asks the guy if golf carts breaking down is a normal thing. The guy says no. The guy obviously thinks that Chris is just an idiot who can’t operate the golf cart. Little does this guy know that it’s much worse than that. Chris is a lunatic who believes that GHOSTS are haunting the golf cart.

    But Chris takes the guy’s comment of “this is kind of a werid case” as further proof that it was ghosts. As opposed to his own ineptitude.

    1:15 – “Being a ghost behaviorist just paints a target on you.”

    From the mental health community, perhaps.

    Then he talks about how he couldn’t record that podcast recently because ghosts targetted his phone.

    So Chris went to the Verizon store and said, “Fix my phone. There’s a ghost in there.”

    I mean, come on. If he genuinely thought it was a ghost, why would he bring it to the Verizon store? He’d bring it to a priest. Or he’d perform his own exoricism. He’s the Ghost Doctor, after all.

    Anyway, the phone guy said that it’s an easy fix, something to do with the sim card reader, but Chris didn’t want to pay the money. So he brought the phone home and it started working again. And he never had the error again.

    What’s the point of any of these stories? Something breaks and then for no apparent reason it begins working again.

    I could see if the golf cart broke, for example, and then he performed an exorcism and then it worked again. You might say, “Well, it was clearly ghosts and my exorcism did the trick.” But he did NOTHING.

    2:15 – “This is a constant thing with me.”

    You’ve mentioned two examples. Give some more examples of ghosts haunting your electronics.

    2:30 – “For all of you who think being a ghost behaviourist is glamorous, you know you have to put up with all of this other crap.”

    First of all, NOBODY thinks that being a “ghost behaviorist” is glamorous. We all think that it’s a sign of severe mental illness.

    But secondly, what crap? We’ve all had shitty electronics that didn’t work properly. You get a fucking refund. You don’t chalk it up to ghosts.

    2:45 – Chris says that ghosts “pester” him in his sleep and in his dreams…your ELECTRONICS.

    I just imagine ghosts as being more analogue. But I guess ghosts are just keeping up with the times. Gone are the days of rattling chains and throwing books and appearing in mirrors. Now they’re fucking with your sim card reader.

    3:00 – “You can’t make this stuff up.”

    Oh sure. A malfunctioning golf cart and phone. I could never dream up such a crazy scenario.

    That’s the video. I just can’t figure out how much of this he’s putting on. Because it would be so easy to just say all of this crazy shit because you’re trying to get views. Everybody is laughing at him, there’s no question, but he can still do this just to get the views, however small the views are. People pointing and laughing at the lunatic are still viewers.

    “I’m breaking character in this video and I want to talk about a few things that have gone viral.”

    So it is just an act.

    Then Chris calls out somebody called Dr Disrespect. Professional jealousy. Two doctors.

    But, oddly, Chris is talking about this guy doing something with “minors”. Chris himself has made some sketchy posts just recently when he went to Disney World and was taking creep shots of those teenagers and talking about how he wished he would have talked to them more.

    Then Chris talks about some mentally ill bullshit about the top gaming Youtubers having sex with “minors” on an island. That’s literally his argument.

    Chris, you’ll be the first one “exposed” for your “inner daemons”.

  • Another Fat White Guy Visits Newt Wallen and PVC Bondage Guy

    0:00 – This is Neil. He’s a big Newt Wallen fan, apparently. Says that he regularly talks about wrestling in Newt’s Discord hoping to woo PVC Bondage Guy. He’s Canadian, I think. He travelled from Canada for this. He’s about 400 pounds.

    5:00 – Newt is telling a story about the time he filmed a “movie” with Ron Jeremy, Lexington Steel, and the black guy from Love Boat. PVC Bondage Guy doesn’t know who this Love Boat guy is, not having been born when the show was on.

    Was Newt even born then? Was I? Let me look this up.

    Wow. 1977 to 1986. That’s later than I thought. I know of the show but I don’t think that I’ve ever seen an episode. I wasn’t in the proper demographic.

    Then Love Boat: The Next Wave in 1998 and 1999. I remember that but I never watched it.

    Anyway, Newt can’t even fit on the couch with this fatass here.

    And this guy is here because he wants to have sex with PVC Bondage Guy. Do you suppose that she offers this service? I wouldn’t be surprised. A hundred bucks and you can do whatever. She’s earning every penny of that having to be with these losers.

    10:45 – Shout out to my complaint about Newt and PVC Bondage Guy sharing the same beverage container.

    11:00 – Then Newt says something like he can’t post on Facebook because “crazy face is back at it”, which I assume is a reference to me. He says that there’s somebody contacting people who he worked with and doing something.

    Newt, get it through your thick fucking skull. I am not doing that. And if it’s anyone who reads this, please refrain from harassing Newt Wallen and do something productive with your life. I do not support this pscyho shit.

    13:15 – PVC Bondage Guy is talking about she “barely bit” this fat guy and she was throwing him around. So yeah, this is a sex thing. They’re getting fat nerds to pay PVC Bondage Guy for sex.

    15:00 – Newt is talking about how he’s making his shitty movie for that autistic guy who gave him money.

    21:30 – Newt is talking about how three of the four prostitutes who he has for this shitty movie that he’s doing are “redheads”.

    24:30 – PVC Bondage Guy is yelling at the ladyboys for “spoiling” a wrestling show from 1997.

    27:45 – PVC Bondage Guy talks about how she “code switches”, by which she means she sometimes uses the German word for things. Umm…okay. Let’s just pretend that the crazy lady didn’t say that.

    31:30 – PVC Bondage Guy talks about how he flashed his breasts during a recent stream and this is now Patreon-only content. Yeah, that’s what we want to see. A man’s breasts. The guy sitting next to her has a real pair on him, by the way.

    I’m turning this off. I’m at 40:00. It’s a fat guy talking to a whore and whatever the fuck Newt is about professional wrestling from the 1990s. WHO CARES? Newt, you have to up your game.

    He had a desperate video recently. Where is it? Ah, here.

    “Let’s get wet.” He’s got another red-haired prostitute who he wants to show off.

    “I’m Mel Heflin. You might know me from such movies as…”

    No. Madam. Join us in the real world. NOBODY has seen these “movies” that you claim to have been in. And doing an impression of Troy McClure is not helping.

    “Speaking of Swamp Zombies 2, that’s where I met…Newt Wallen.”

    She had to stop think what his name is. They’re real friends.

    “And speaking of Newt Wallen, I’m pretty sure the guy’s a genius.”

    It’s just a prostitute enabling Newt’s delusions because she’s trying to get money out of him.

    “I love all of his scripts.”

    Uh huh.

    “I heard he wrote me an underwater scene.”

    Yeah. Sounds like a really great script. An underwater scene, you say.

    “So be on the lookout for Amityville Pool Toy Massacre.”

    You mean this “movie” that’s being bankrolled by a fat, mentally ill, retarded ladyboy who goes to Newt’s channel? THAT’S the “movie” you want us to be on the lookout for?

    Will we get to see this fat whore underwater?

    You know, I’m reminded of a documentary I saw about a hippo defecating underwater. I don’t remember the context but there was a hippo swimming underwater, as graceful as a hippo can be, and just a cloud of shit coming out of it’s ass. There was a reason that they were shooting this. Some kind of animals were attracted to the poop.

    Maybe Newt can plagiarise that scene for the “movie”. Have this woman taking a dump underwater and there’s just a cloud of grass-filled stool coming out of her. I’ll tell you one person who would buy it: James Rolfe.

    Let’s look this fucking whore up. See if we can find some candid pictures of her that accurately reflect her appearance.

    All I’m really seeing is her Instagram which has highly staged photos. But even these betray her rubenesque physique.

    I wonder if that hippo documentary is anywhere.

    Well, there are a surprising number of videos of hippos defecating but none are the video that I saw. I think that it was a documentary on BBC with David Attenborough.

    , ,

  • Newt and Mel make a porno – Newt Wallen

    Come on, Ideas Man. Get some new fucking ideas. This is desperate, pathetic bullshit. And it’s not going to work. If people want porn, they’re not to Newt Wallen’s Youtube channel. Even these gay ladyboys surely have better options.

    So Newt starts talking about how he shit out another script, this time about a fairy who produces pornography that people find in the woods. Similar to the “morning wood fairy” from Beavis & Butthead. More plagiarism from this guy.

    This whore he’s with…what’s her name…Mel says that she knows all about forest porn.

    4:45 – She starts talking about her expertise on pornographic magazines. “Playboy was very tame compared to anything that you found in Penthouse and Hustler. Those were the two main guys.”

    What does this woman know about porno? I’m pretty sure that she’s talking about 1980s and 1990s pornographic magazines. Yeah, of course Penthouse was more explicit than Playboy but only a tiny bit. They’d show simulated lesbian stuff, for example. There would be a woman with her tongue half an inch from a woman’s pussy or something. But you could never touch. That was the rule for everything. Even the genuine more explicit magazines never showed any kind of penetration or even licking a boob. None of this. Even an erection wasn’t seen.

    But Penthouse absolutely did not have any male nudity or even shots where the woman is spreading her pussy. This was the big distinction between the tamer stuff like Playboy and Penthouse and the more explicit stuff. “Pink shots”. That totally inexplicable, disgusting phenomenon that existed in pornographic magazines of the era. People apparently want to see this. They want to see a woman spreading her pussy. I don’t get it.

    In any event, that was the distinction. And you’d see this possibly in Hustler. I don’t know. I never saw a Hustler. But I saw Hustler publications like Busty Beauties which definitely had these pink shots.

    Harder still was a publication like Juggs. They’d show weird stuff involving women in the vicinity of a flaccid penis, for example. And of course the spread pussies.

    By 1998, Busty Beauties was becoming more hardcore. I know that it was 1998 because I have the exact issue where they showed penetration for the first time. It was a shot from a movie called Spank Me, Fuck Me starring Minka and Kayla Kleevage and you see Kayla Kleevage on her knees with Ron Jeremy’s dick in her mouth. Uncensored. Because any kind of penetration, in the ads, for example, was always censored with a black dot. And they parodied this for this picture by putting a black bar across Ron Jeremy’s eyes like they were trying to keep him anonymous. And they said from now on, they’re going hardcore and showing full penetration.

    I stopped buying magazines after that because I got the internet so I don’t know how things progressed from there.

    5:00 – This whore says that she’s allegedly in a magazine because she let some guy take pictures of her and submit them.

    God. Those “amateur” pages were always dogshit. I don’t want to see these women naked. This is gross. How could these women even think that people want to see this? REALLY unattractive women. I never even saw one that I wanted to jerk off to.

    I suppose that it was the 1990s equivalent of these delusional women who start OnlyFans or whatever.

    6:30 – Newt starts talking about porn and this whore says that they never showed penetration in the movies. I guess that’s true. I think that they were actual pornographic movies with penetration but they must have been re-cut for the Spice Channel because I remember a lot of scenes where the woman’s hair was covering the blowjob.

    12:00 – This whore is rattling off names of porn starts from the 1980s and 1990s that she likes. It’s some weird bullshit, just random white women. And Newt is enthusiastically agreeing with all of them. But then she says Vanessa Del Rio, one of the most well-known porn stars of all time, I believe she was Puerto Rican or something, she was huge among black guys, and Newt just says “oh, okay.”

    What’s going on, Newt? You’re down with the homies, right? Vanessa Del Rio doesn’t do it for you? He’s interested in these basic bitches like Christy Canyon. I never even heard of her.

    14:15 – Now Newt is talking about porn that he found in the woods. I have absolutely no experience with this. There were no wooded areas near me. Where are these people living that there were woods? Or am I the weirdo? I was unfortunate to live in a ghetto. But even in my adult life, I’ve never lived anywhere where woods were within walking distance. Who the fuck knows? I need to move to rural Pennsylvania, I guess.

    16:45 – Newt says “before all of that shit happened, Ron Jeremy and I were really friendly. I stayed at his house.”

    Before all of what happened? Apparently they were BFFs and Ron Jeremy was able to overlook Newt’s plagiarism but Newt couldn’t return the favour and overlook this railroading of Ron Jeremy. What even were the charges? I just heard that her rubbed up against some whores at a whore convention. Isn’t that the done thing? And it’s Ron Jeremy. What did they expect? But Newt is pretending to be outraged by this.

    19:15 – “A buddy of mine is a blogger of gay porn.”

    What? This is all in the context of Newt going on and on and on about all the “friends” he has in the porn industry. Including Ron Jeremy but there were a bunch of lesser known people who he mentioned. Now he’s BFF’s with gay porn blogger? How is that even a job? Who’s going to a blog for porn?

    Many years ago, I went to some porn blog for a brief time but this was before XVideos and everything. You’d go there and you could download shit. This was in 56k modem days.

    19:30 – “You ever see when a dog swallows a bee?”

    And this whore, inexplicably, says “yeah.” Oh, sure, Newt. We’ve all seen dogs swallowing bees.

    What the fuck? Why did she say “yeah”? Did she seriously see a dog swallow a bee? Am I weird for not having a dog swallow a bee?

    Anyway, apparently this is what this guy’s penis looked like after injecting it with something. It looked like a dog swallowing a bee. Whatever that might look like.

    19:45 – “I actually knew a guy who was a stunt cock.”

    The whore said this. Oh yeah. Stunt cock. That’s a real profession that exists.

    These people are fucking morons.

    20:00 – Newt is now saying that he’s BFFs with Lexington Steel. Basically everybody. Every porn star that ever existed, Newt is BFFs with them.

    21:15 – Newt says that he always gets press passes to the big time porn conventions because of some Silvermania video that he did years ago that nobody has watched. It’s the one where he interviewed porn stars and asked them stupid questions. That old gag that’s been done a billion times before. The Ideas Man.

    22:15 – Newt tells this whore his great idea of doing a movie review while getting a blowjob. He says that he’s been unable to find anybody willing to do this yet.

    Why not? You know every porn star on earth. You can’t ask any of them? Maybe $100 would help.

    24:15 – Newt says that he sold hardcore porn at the comic book shop that he worked at. Uh huh. Which comic book shop was this? Because I’m pretty sure that this isn’t allowed. I’ve certainly never seen it. A comic book slash/porn shop? No. Doesn’t exist, Newt.

    25:00 – Newt also went to the barber shop with his grandfather and there was porn on the table.

    28:30 – Newt went to a gay porn theatre when he was 16.

    30:15 – This whore talks about her time in the “dance community.” She’s talking about stripping.

    Newt then says that Madeline, that crack whore who’s Newt’s substitute for Horseface, is also a stripper.

    34:00 – One of Newt’s former’s girlfriend’s father owned a gay bar. Newt, we get it. You’re gay. Come on. Nobody cares. Go show your penis to Joe from Game Sack some more.

    36:00 – Newt says that he was in some porn video where some woman with long nails was jerking his dick off. Uh huh. I’m sure Joe from Game Sack loved that one.

    46:30 – Newt says that he rejected his BFF Ron Jeremy after all of those allegations (or I guess convictions) because Newt was “victimised as a kid.” I think that he’s mentioned this before. It just seems an odd thing to throw out there. What is he hoping to achieve with this?

    48:00 – Newt is talking about how he knows somebody who knows Asia Carerra. And she “liked” something of Newt’s on Facebook. Great story, Newt. I’m fully erect here.

    54:00 – This whore goes on and on and on about a porn scene she saw where a women had a leaky vagina.

    57:00 – “So this is our first porn-adjacent OnlyFans.”

    I believe that this video was first posted on Newt’s OnlyFans. He mentioned earlier that the video couldn’t be posted to Youtube. But he did post it to Youtube.

    So we were supposed to PAY to watch this video. We were supposed to pay for NEWT WALLEN’S OnlyFans. FOR THIS! You get to see this and Newt’s sex video with the mentally ill PVC Bondage Guy. And if you’re a desperate gay man, you can badger Newt for pictures of his penis and he’ll oblige. Or if you’re Joe from Game Sack, he’ll show you.

    Why would anybody pay for this? What even is his OnlyFans? He never advertises it.

    https://onlyfans.com/schlockandawe

    Five bucks a month. “Bringing you all those not safe for youtube videos an images here to Only fans.” That’s his description. It’s full of spelling and grammar errors, of course.

    Why would I possibly pay five bucks a month for this? It’s presumably all gay men. But why would a gay man sign up to see shitty Youtube videos and the poster for XXX-Mas? It’s madness. I think that there are like three things that you can see on that site. He’s posted three things in like a year.

  • I Don’t Know James Rolfe – Folding Ideas

    I watched the first 30 minutes and then fell asleep. So I’ll resume from there. It’s a guy talking about how he doesn’t care much for James Rolfe. He mentioned the same stupid bullshit about hanging lights from the ceiling and whatnot that the fags on Reddit constantly talk about.

    WHO CARES ABOUT THE FUCKING LIGHTS? He can mount them up his ass for all I care. It’s irrelevant. If you’re some video nerd I can maybe see caring about this, but are the faggots on Reddit all video nerds?

    Speaking of Reddit, on TheCinemassacreTruth, the moderators will always pin new videos about Cinemassacre. They didn’t pin this one. And they’re doing their usual heavy censorship against anyone who dares to say, “Maybe this guy has a point.” Because apparently, later in the video, this guy starts talking about what a bunch of fucking no-life losers the boys on TheCinemsassacreTruth are.

    Oh, I just remembered something. This guy talks about how James wasn’t the first person to come up with angry reviews. He cites some GameSpot (or something, I don’t remember the name of that site) print review and also Penny Arcade. Penny Arcade is to show that foul-mouthed video game content already existed when James Rolfe started with AVGN. I found it kind of interesting and true.

    So I’m starting at 29:00. He’s talking about the book. He doesn’t much care for it.

    42:00 – He starts building a mount for the camera like James has on his ceiling or whatever. It’s just beyond me why anybody cares about this.

    His talking about the book raised some good points, though, about James’ complete lack of accountability, lack of insight, and treating his childhood “movies” the same as he treats The AVGN Movie. There was also a good point about how James took over his class for some assignment in college instead of just following the instructions and even today sees this as the right decision.

    49:45 – He starts talking about the homos on TheCinemassacreTruth.

    51:00 – Mike’s penis.

    He’s calling the fags on TheCinemassacreTruth “fatphobic and mysonistic.” Yeah. And gay. I think it needs to be pointed out because it explains the bizarre behaviour from these people. They’re catty, gay men.

    57:45 – This guy is focusing largely on the idea that the fags on TheCinemassacreTruth attack James’ wife. They do this but I don’t think it’s the main thing. The main thing is attacking Screenwave (who haven’t been on the channel for years) for being fat, their fondness for Mike’s penis, and just the appearance of men in general. James’ hair, the way he walks, Photoshopping him to look “sexy” and so on. IT’S GAY. It’s all gay. That’s the motivation behind all of this. These are gay men.

    I’ve had a lot of people from there OPENLY tell me that they’re gay. Or you can spend two seconds looking at their profile and see that they’re gay. This is not me being insulting. This is reality. This is the reason why this all happens. Catty, gay men. That’s what the sub is about and it’s what it’s always been about.

    But you can’t say this, I guess. You can’t attack a group of gay for behaving poorly. So just ignore that they’re gay.

    No. It’s critical to understanding what goes on there.

    Many years ago, I read a book called The Pink Swastika. It was written by a couple of right-wing Jesus nuts and the book is not well-received in academic circles but they still made some good points.

    People talk about how the Nazis persecuted homosexuals. It’s a certain type of homosexuality that they were opposed to. Because many of the high-ranking Nazis were gay. The Brownshirts were an openly homosexual organisation. It’s not a secret. The ideology is gay. It’s about men imposing their will on other men.

    You look at all the shit they did in the Hitler Youth. There was a big emphasis on sports. Sports are extremely gay. Again, it’s men imposing their will on other men. While wearing little shorts and tackling each other.

    The Nazis and fascists in general LIKE that stuff. They like “masculine” homosexuals. What they don’t like are effeminite homosexuals. The limp-wristed types flouncing about. Those were the people who the Nazis persecuted.

    I don’t want to get into a whole thing here but by contrast, communism holds no appeal for homosexuals. And how many homosexuals were there in Soviet times? Zero. Not because there was any persecution but because homosexuality is a symptom of a diseased society. If people have everything that they need, they won’t want to fuck other dudes in the ass and impose their will on them.

    Gay pride parades and all of that shit only began in these former Soviet countries after the fall of communism. The countries with the greatest inequality have the highest proportion of homosexuals. Inequality breeds deviancy.

    This is what we see on TheCinemassacreTruth. They’re gay men attacking the idea of effeminite homosexuality. Gay Nazis, if you’ll forgive the almost redundancy of the term. This is why they’re obsessed with Photoshopping James Rolfe and the Screenwave crew to look like women and they hate the idea that James Rolfe is married. They’re mocking him and his heterosexual behaviour. They want James Rolfe to join them in their fucking faggot ass bullshit. They want to impose their will on James Rolfe’s ass. You see it in everything they do. These are gay men taking their frustrations out on James Rolfe.

    59:00 – The “5:40” “meme” that gets beaten into the ground.

    1:01:15 – This guy says that he doesn’t even think that AVGN has declined. This is where he totally lost me. I’m not saying that AVGN were amazing works of art but it clearly hit the toilet when Screenwave got involved.

    Then the video ends with an unspired AVGN parody.

    Anyway, the boys at TheCinemassacreTruth are really crying over this video. Well, go to the leather bar and talk to your friends about it. Maybe they’ll piss on you in a public park if you ask them nicely.

  • Garbage Pail Kids – NES Nintendo Video Game Review – Irate Gamer

    His previous video on NES porn games got demonitised. Allegedly. So he’s not uploading part two of that NES porn games thing. It’s Patreon only, boys. Hurry up and subscribe to this hot Chris BORES action.

    Good luck with that, Chris BORES.

    So instead, we’re getting this hastily-thrown together Garbage Pail Kids shit.

    0:15 – “If there’s one thing I’ve always loved as a kid, it was Garbage Pail Kids.”

    Oh sure. He was a real Garbage Pail Kids fan. He was all about them. So much so that he’s not mentioned them once.

    I mean, I don’t expect an adult to be discussing Garbage Pail Kids, but he’s suggesting that he loved Garbage Pail Kids more than anything else. So why hasn’t he mentioned it before?

    They were popular for maybe a year? I don’t know. Two years. I liked them. I had a bunch of first series cards. I was trying to get them all. I even used the little checklist that came on the back of one of the cards, marking them off. But I didn’t get them all. And then series two came out and…fuck. I lost interest. I was trying to get all of series one and now it will never happen.

    I dipped in and out after the first series. My series one cards weren’t in mint condition because I’d look at them a lot. I didn’t use them as stickers but the corners would get bent or frayed or whatever because I’d look at them so much. But then when I found out that they’re worth some money, I started taking care of them better. I think that I put them in binders. By then the damage was done but at least the subsequent series were in better condition. The subsequent series that aren’t worth anything.

    How did I even know that they’re worth money? This was like 1985, I guess. No internet. There were no price guides for these. Maybe it was just a rumour.

    I also had a few big cards. They were like four times the size of a standard card. They came three to a pack or maybe just one to a pack. Surely, those are more rare than the normal cards.

    I also had some little like Muscle Men figures. “Cheap Toys” I think they were called. Those are worth like fifty bucks each now, apparently.

    But as for the normal cards, there were some cool ones. I like Joltin’ Joe aka Mean Gene the best. He was a military guy throwing a bunch of dynamite. Those were the best ones. Just regular fucking Cabbage Patch Dolls as something slightly wacky. It was something you could imagine being an actual doll that could be sold.

    But by the later series, it just got disgusting. Every single card was somebody with serious mucus problems. I don’t want to see this. Even as a kid, I didn’t want to see that. So I stopped buying the fucking cards. What do I need to see Take Out Dinah eating her own mucus with chopsticks? It’s stupid.

    0:30 – Chris BORES was “always” confused that Garbage Pail Kids never got a video game. You know, because they had a movie (that nobody saw) and cartoon series (that even fewer people saw) and of course the cards. I never even heard of the cartoon series. And the movie is well known for being shit.

    It’s not a property that lends itself to video games or movies or…anything. Who wants to play a mucus-based game? Boogerman is roundly condemned as rotten.

    Chris BORES is a wearing a tie for some reason. I guess because Blasted Billy aka Adam Bomb wore one. But he had the tie already tied when he put it on. And looking at it, I’m reminded of how I would tie my tie in high school. There was a basic knot that people would use that would result in a crooked knot.

    There was one guy who always kept his tie tied when he took it off because he didn’t know how to tie it.

    It’s crazy that I went to a school where you had to wear ties. Do they still do this? It was part of the uniform .

    Wow. That school still requires that uniform with a tie. And the tuition is four times as much as what I paid for college. Who could possibly afford this? You’re going to spend $50,000 so your kid can go to high school for four years? It’s mostly Mexican too. Even when I went there, it was probably 1/3 Mexican. Where’s the money coming from? No offence but it’s a fucking ghetto.

    5:00 – For the SECOND time in this video, Chris BORES is just rattling off the names of the various enemies in the game. WE GET IT! There are a lot of references to the card series. MOVE ON. Reading lists of names is NOT entertainment. You’re clearly just padding this out.

    5:45 – Chris BORES says that some powerups in the game are a “COCK tease”. He pronounces it really weird. I had to listen to it a few times to understand what he was saying. But yeah, this is just more homosexual material from this faggot. “Boner biting dogs” and whatnot.

    6:45 – Chris BORES constantly complains about a character called Patty Putty.

    What about Patty Plenty? She died a few years ago, didn’t she? She went by Patty Please for a while. I saw an interview of her in some porn video before. Total nut.

    Wow. Patty Plenty isn’t noteworthy enough for Wikipedia? That’s shocking. Have to try Boobpedia then.

    What? According to this, she’s still alive. There’s no way.

    She made a little dancing video last year.

    https://twitter.com/pattyplenty

    And according to Twitter, she’s still “touring”. Who would pay to have sex with a 76 year old woman?

    She’s on OnlyFans too.

    Anyway, good for Patty Plenty. I guess. I mean, is it unreasonable to expect porn stars to retire at 65 like everybody else? Is this something you want to do in your twillight years?

    So yeah, Chris BORES ends the video with some lame as fuck animation, of course.

    • “Love dr bores”

    It’s a reference to his “ghost doctor” title. Pretty funny. He probably got his ghost doctorate from some questionable Caribbean ghost medical school.

    Is he still doing that shit or did he already stop?

    https://ghostdoctorchris.com

    According to the official website, he’s still going. He needs to bring these prices down. In this economy, people can’t afford a hundred bucks to cleanse their home of stage five hauntings. Times are tough, Chris. Show some compassion to those of us afflicted by the undead.

    Oh, and he such a creepy questionaire that you had to fill out. I didn’t talk about it because I planned to pose as a fake client just see what creepy shit I could get him to say but then I decided that I had more important things to do with my time.

    Oh, he’s also selling “tar water” for fifteen bucks. What a bargain. I could always use some tar water.

    Where is this questionaire? Did he get rid of it? He asked you questions about your children’s “promiscuity”. I wish I would have saved it now. If your daughter is a slut, it’s obviously because of ghosts.

    Oh, I found it now. Under the three ghost hunting packages, you have to click “Unsure what to purchase? Click here for help”. Then you get a Google form.

    He wants to know if you’re going through any of the following:

    • Recent Divorce
    • Death in family
    • Your Kids reaching the age of Teenage Adolescence
    • Victim of a Tragic Event

    Just those four things. And all of the weird capitalisation is his. Why does he need to know if you have young teenagers in your house? How is that related to the tragic stuff that he listed?

    “Do you engage in any of these activities?”

    • Ouiji Boards
    • Tarot Cards
    • Newt Age Activities
    • Consuming Alcohol
    • Drugs
    • Promiscuous Activities
    • Voodoo
    • Smoking

    I conflated the two things assuming that Chris BORES wouldn’t be asking adults if they’re behaving promisculously. But he is. He wants to know if you’re out there being naughty with the ladies. Or the fellas.

    Can you fuck your wife or is that considered “promiscuous”? Chris wants all the details. Maybe one day, Chris’ wife will let him fuck her. Until then, he’s still proudly showing his purity ring off to every unaccompanied goth teenager he can find at Disney World.

  • Lemmings (SNES) – Neighbor Nerds – Cinemassacre

    I watched this a couple of days ago for my own “enjoyment”. I like Lemmings. I had the game as a kid for the PC. Maybe a year ago, I downloaded some bootleg version that has all of the levels from all of the games and I think adds shit to it. That was cool but I didn’t get too into it.

    So I’m interested in the subject. That helped. And James and John seem to have some familiarity with the game. James does, at least. I mean…he at least knows what the different abilities do. He didn’t seem to be a pro by any means. So that helped too.

    But I thought, “What’s the point of this?” It’s all heavily edited. It doesn’t seem as badly edited as other recent Neighbor Nerds things but it was still…if you’re not going to show the full gameplay, what’s the point? We’re just supposed to be here for the witty zingers that these two dish out? What witty zingers? James is a corpse.

    You either need the gameplay or some really funny back and forth. This has neither. There’s no hope for witty dialogue with fucking James there so showing the gameplay is the obvious choice.

    “Who wants to watch two hours of these James and John playing Lemmings?” Lunatics. But the people are out there. Why not?

    I seem to recall James & Mike Mondays that were over an hour. Not a problem. Nobody complained. And I watch some of Mike’s multi-hour streams. You just watch as much as you want and then come back to it later. It’s not a big deal. And if you don’t watch the whole thing, that’s fine too. Doesn’t every minute count in terms of how much you get paid?

    Maybe there are long stretches of James not saying anything. But is that even a problem? You don’t have to regale us every second. If people are interested in the game, the gameplay will be enough.

    Speaking of Mike, he was playing Borderlands 2 recently with Bitch Duo. Bitch Duo doesn’t even call himself Duo any more. He was there as “Judith Light”. Mike regularly referred to Bitch Duo using female pronouns. And Bitch Duo was perfectly cool with it.

    Bitch Duo also played with Mike under the guise of “Inspector Gadget” a little while ago and again had no problem being referred to as Inspector Gadget.

    I don’t know why Bitch Duo puts up with this. Who is Bitch Duo anyway? It’s the only person who Mike ever plays with. And Bitch Duo is MUCH better at video games than Mike. He was letting Mike have all of the items in this Borderlands game and he was still completely carrying him.

    Why not play with the horntards? It’s ridiculous. It’s a game that I think let’s you play with a team up to four players. Get three of the whale horntards to play with you as a little bonus for having given you THOUSANDS of dollars over the years. He can’t do it.

    Also baffling is when Mike and Erin will stream together but they’ll switch off instead of playing together at the same time. The chat is screaming at them to play together but they don’t do it. I get that Erin sucks at video games but Mike just has to tone it down a little. He doesn’t have to completely crush her. Pretend that you’re playing against a little kid. Or he can completely crush her. That works too. I mean, who gives a shit? You’re hardly exposing Erin as a being shit at video games. People already know. They don’t care.

    This is also something that James and John can do. They did that with this Lemmings video. There’s a two player mode which they’ve acknowledged that few people know about. There are probably loads of similar games from the 8 and 16 bit era. Games that had two player mods that few people actually played in two player mode.

    Game Boy games would be great for this. How many people used the link cable? Fucking nobody. But there are probably loads of cool two player modes in Game Boy games.

  • The Last Game Boy Color Games – Erin Plays

    The triumphant return of Erin Plays. After three entire months, THIS is what she comes up with? This stale as fuck bullshit where she “reviews” the last games that came out on a console? This idea that she blatantly stole from JOHN RIGGS?

    She’s totally checked out. Why even bother any more? It’s been years since she put any effort at all into anything. What’s the point of putting the videos out any more? She’s not making money from this. She doesn’t need the money. She’s leeching off of Mike. She must know that she’s not going to become famous from this shit. So why continue?

    0:00 – “When I got the purple Game Boy Color and Super Mario Bros Deluxe for Christmas…”

    First of all, nobody gives a fuck what hue your fucking fictional Game Boy Color was. Why does she insist on including these stupid fucking details about colours? This isn’t fucking Seasame Street. We all know the colours.

    She’s never mentioned having a Game Boy Color before. Not once. So let’s think about this.

    It came out in late 1998. Erin aka Cykill1986 was born in 1987. Allegedly.

    Unlikely that she got it on launch. So let’s say she got it the following year in 1999. Erin would have been 12 years old.

    I don’t know. It doesn’t strike me as genuine. For somebody who likes video games, that would be a fine age to be given a Game Boy Color. But Erin has no fucking interest in this shit and never has. In Christmas of 1999, Erin was getting clothes, makeup, and a Spice Girls DVD and she was happy with that shit.

    0:15 – “Nintendo was still making games for the Nintendo Color well into 2002.”

    That doesn’t seem like a long time. Last 1998 to 2002? Who gives a shit? Four years? That seems like a SHORTER lifespan for a console than is typical.

    Whatever happened to that Nintendo handheld that was 3d? I was tempted to get one but never bothered. It was all a big fad, right?

    There was 3d television. I think that some of them required glasses and some of them didn’t. Nothing ever came of it.

    What about 3d porn? Is it any good?

    https://new.reddit.com/r/virtualreality/comments/zkdrw7/can_we_talk_about_the_negative_effects_of_vr_porn

    Well, that guy’s REALLY into it. The VR stuff with those nerdy headsets, anyway. Speaking of fads.

    0:45 – Shantae. She played this a few months ago, on stream, for money. What a shock this is.

    Then there’s literally footage of her playing the game on stream, for money. It’s not even disguised.

    1:45 – She talks about other attacks that you get during the game but says, “I didn’t make it far enough in this playthrough.” Why bother playing it for the purposes of this video? That would require a tiny bit of effort. Just show the stream footage.

    2:45 – “All of the sprites and backgrounds are really colourful and cute.”

    Go fuck yourself.

    3:15 – Resident Evil Gaiden.

    4:45 – “I like the zombies in the purple dresses.”

    Take these colours and shove them up your fucking ass.

    5:15 – What the hell kind of footage is this? Is this a stream from before she was living with Mike? She has a plain blue background, she’s sitting in a normal office chair, and I think she has an old school Erin Plays logo. Did she use footage from many years ago for this? It’s unbelievable. She can’t put ANY effort into anything.

    5:45 – Hamtaro.

    6:00 – “The world of Hamtaro is very cute.”

    Who the fuck is watching this? She’s total fucking moron. She can’t talk about anything other than colours and how things are “cute”. This is total fucking shit.

    6:45 – “All in all, it’s an extremely cute game.”

    Yeah. We got that, Erin. It’s cute. What else can you talk about?

    7:00 – Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

    She played it for about three minutes just to get this footage.

    8:45 – Some Dragon Ball game.

    She’s literally just reading from the back of the box and saying that she’s not interested in Dragon Ball.

    She played this one for maybe two minutes.

    That’s the video. What a fucking piece of shit. And she’s even wearing the same fucking jean jacket that she always wears.

    Give us something new, Erin. ANYTHING. We get it. You suck at video games, you’re not interested in that shit, and you like colours and cute things. What else have you got in that empty head of yours? Anything?

    Her entire life is getting fucked in the ass, crying in the bathtub, and doing these awful streams for retards. For $6,000/year.

    • “gotta skip this one cause of HP but good that you’re uploading again”

    HP? What?

    • “You’re a HUGE Inspiration to us, Erin!”

    Uh huh.

    • “I’d love to watch this video, but sadly, I just don’t have the time.”

    Some fucking brainless faggot from TheCinemassacreTruth on Reddit. How embarassing.

    Oh, Joe from Game Sack to a moment to tear himself away from looking at Newt’s penis to grace Erin with some more witty comments.

    Joe: I pronounce Vegeta similar to vegetable. It’s probably Veh-Jeet-uh but I don’t care… it’s just Dragon Ballz.

    Mike: When would you be in a situation where you have to say that word

    Joe: I’m hoping never.

    Erin: So you say Vege-tah? I hope that’s how you say it.

    Joe: I don’t think I’ve ever said it with my mouth, but yes… that’s how it sounds when I think about that word

    You know that Mike reads the blog. Whenever Erin says something like, “I always forget the name of this monster”, I’ll say, “How often is that coming up as a topic of conversation?” Mike basically said the same thing here.

    So we’ve got Mike responding in the comments basically just to warn Joe that he knows what Joe is doing. We all do. Joe, stop trying to steal of the love of Mike’s life. It’s despicable. Erin and Mike are soulmates. It’s not about buttsex for Youtube promotion. This is true love.

    We know that Joe from Game Sack enjoys looking at Newt’s penis. Do you suppose that Mike ever showed his member to Joe? I have to think that it’s almost a certainty that he did.

    • “Have u ever played Spark the electric jester? Also good video 3”

    Want to guess Erin’s answer?

    “No I haven’t, I’ll look it up. And thanks!”

    If she hasn’t streamed it, she hasn’t played it, you fucking moron. Figure it out, retard.

  • AMITYVILLE POOL TOY MASSACRE – Newt Wallen

    I didn’t mean to talk about Newt again so soon but I’ve got some devastating news. Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls is off. Newt needs to film this at a “haunt”, which neither I nor PVC Bondage Guy nor anyone knows what that means. So Newt explained that he means a “haunted attraction.” Like at an amusement park.

    The place that Newt contacted said that they’re in their “build season” so Newt can’t film there unless he pays a certain amount of money. Newt doesn’t have that kind of money. Of course. So there goes Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls.

    Why would this even have to be filmed in a “haunted attraction”? The first part of the movie takes place in a van, then some of it takes place in Screenwave’s office, and most of it takes place in a castle. You’re telling me that they can’t halfass this like they halfass everything else? Like the script was halfassed? Not even. It was a tiny fraction of an ass. Maybe 1/256 of an ass.

    What reputable amusement park would even let them film this fucking shitty softcore porn in there anyway? These places are for children. You’re going to have some fucking degenerate filming his shit movie with a prostitutes in there? And it would be obvious which amusement park it is from the fucking props and whatever in there.

    So Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls, is out. Amityville Pool Toy Massacre is in. I have that script too. Newt posted it in his Discord. Do I really want to read this? It’s going to be another giant piece of shit.

    I’m skimming this script. It has a character named “Crystal”. Uh huh.

    0:30 – Newt says that he wrote this shitty pool party script in 2018. Probably in a day.

    2:15 – Newt was talking to….somebody…in a Subway restaurant who wanted him to write a script. So he shit something out and it became something else and then something else and eventually it became Ammityville Pool Toy Massacre. Extensive plagiariasm throughout.

    PVC Bondage Guy can barely keep her eyes open. She’s literally yawned at least four times so far.

    But back to Subway. The only interesting part of this story. I wonder what Newt went for. Six inch or twelve inch? Which bread did he get? Is this even how they order Subway in the US? Let me look this up.

    Tough to say. On this ordering website, you can’t customise anything but on the official Subway USA website, they do give you the various options. We get the same breads in the UK except for malted rye. Also, “Italian” and “Hearty Italian” are two separate bread types. The “hearty” version is crunchier.

    I’m surprised that they’re no brown bread. Am I crazy? Does such a thing exist? It must be possible. There’s brown bread. There must be a brown roll.

    They have some weird toppings in the US too. Capsicum? What even is that? Oh, red pepper. You think you could have said “red pepper”? Yeah, they have that in the UK Subways. Green peppers, anyway. It’s the same thing.

    Carrots? I’m not sure if they have that here. According to the Subway UK website they do. Maybe it varies by location, maybe I’m just not paying attention.

    You can get sweet corn on your Subway sandwiches in London but definitely not anywhere in Scotland. I don’t know how far out this sweet corn topping exists. I always found it a very pecuiliar choice.

    Slight differences in the sauces too.

    But $12 for a foot long sandwich? That’s probably about what it costs in the UK. Are the days of cheap fast food in the US over?

    2:45 – “So I had this idea for a haunted pool movie.”

    And PVC Bondage Guy nods, trying to feign interest in this.

    Isn’t Newt at all embarrassed? This is fucking pathetic. His scripts are AWFUL. Beyond awful. A child would be ashamed to turn this shit in for a school assignment. But he has these parasitic prostitutes and these lunatics all enabling his delusions.

    “When I was still seeing Crystal…a friend of ours was having a pool party.”

    PVC Bondage Guy nods and looks away when Newt mentions Horseface. How fucking awkward is this. She must have to listen to this fucking faggot obsessing over Horseface ALL THE TIME. Why does she do it? Why subject yourself to that?

    So Newt got hit in the head by an inflatable alligator at this pool party full of sexy ladies and it sparked his imagination. Like Isaac Newton and the apple. A couple of visionaries both with the name Newt. But instead of writing a theorum on gravity, Newt Wallen wrote a piece of shit tits and gore script.

    3:15 – “Then I got browbeated by Crystal like, ‘We don’t have the money, we don’t have the people.’”

    Plus, it sucks dick.

    But Newt is telling this story like Horseface is some harpie who’s destroying his tits and gore dreams. No. Did you have the money? Did you have the people? Didn’t the script suck penis?

    “In 2019, I had a draft that pretty much everyone was happy with. Well, I don’t know. Crystal was happy with it. She never actually read it.”

    Newt. She knew it was shit. What have you ever written that was good? Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls was shockingly bad. I mean, I knew that you couldn’t write but I wasn’t prepared for this level of suckage. This is legit retard level shit.

    3:45 – “And then the (something) movie came out this year about the haunted pool and I was like, ‘What the fuck?’”

    Well, you have some inspiration for your movie then. You can really beef up the plagiarism.

    4:00 – “We were doing Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls, which I think is a really fun idea. I did a video about it.”

    The worst script I’ve ever seen in my life. And I’m including the play that three girls (who weren’t even good students) wrote in my sixth grade class that we ended up doing about a haunted dance.

    “It was between that and Amityville Halloween, which I wrote for Fallon and I but I could never get a read on her on whether or not she wanted to do it.”

    She doesn’t. Even whores have standards.

    “So I was like fuck it, I’ll do the pool one because it will just be an excuse to have a lot of girls in bikinis.”

    Sounds like a good basis for a movie. It would be good for people who don’t have internet access or access to pornographic DVDs or access to pornographic magazines or sexy woodcarvings and aren’t allowed to go outside to just see women walking around in sexy summer attire. That’s Newt’s demographic for this movie. Shut ins with no access to any kind of erotica.

    4:30 – “Basically the story of this one is…”

    It’s so humiliating. PVC Bondage Guy is just sitting there humouring this total fucking retard. It’s like a mother listening to her child’s idiotic ideas. “Oh yeah. And then the lady takes her top off? That’s a good one, Newt. It sounds like it’s going to be a hit.”

    It’s about a haunted pool where the pools come to life. You know how every one of James Rolfe’s short “films” is about an inanimate object that comes to life and chases him? That’s what this movie is. With tits and gore.

    Newt says that he wrote a part for himself called Ranger Rick and the “joke” here is that he doesn’t understand why people find the name funny. Umm…I have to say that I’m not getting it either, Ideas Man.

    Then Newt says that he wrote a part for Crystal and again, as soon as Newt says “Crystal”, PVC Bondage Guy looks away. She’s sick and fucking tired of this. We all are. Fuck off you fucking pathetic faggot. Move on with your life.

    But Newt says that he got Madeline to agree to this. So presumably, she’s going to take the Horseface role. This crack whore is Newt’s substitute Crystal.

    5:45 – Newt excitedly talks about a scene where a woman gets raped by “pool noodles”. Whatever those are.

    6:15 – Newt says that he plagiarised a scene from The Birds for this piece of shit too.

    “It’s a lot of conversation-based stuff.”

    Oh sure. It sounds like a real think piece. And we know how skilled Newt is at writing dialogue.

    Well, let’s just find a sample from the actual script. I’ll go to a random page.

    RICK: then again maybe this is all part of some….occult plan

    KELSEY: you all right there champ

    RICK: just…stick with me for a hot sec. from the renting of the place. all these stories you told me. the way
    that guy Jake just so happened to have alllll that information

    KELSEY: jack

    RICK: right. Like everyone’s been laying bread crumbs for you to follow back. leading you down a path…your friends….no where to be found. which leads you from the comforts of the house. out into the darkness. right to..

    KELSEY: This truck….what are you saying here Ranger

    RICK: well. what if this is like a….ritual..a…I don’t now. a wicker man type community.

    KELSEY: and what…my friends and I are some sorta….sacrifice.

    RICK: And what If…I don’t know…what if, “I’m” part of that plan

    Dogshit, Newt. Total dogshit.

    6:30 – “The idea after that is to go into Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls in November.”

    It’s all dogshit.

    “I’m really excited. I’ve wanted to do this pool story for a long time. And I don’t fucking care, nobody saw Night Swim anyway.”

    All the easier to plagiarise then. But compared to Amityville Pool Toy Massacre, Night Swim will be…well, let me actually look this up.

    Newt has completely lost his mind. That’s an actual movie. Distributed by Universal. $15 million budget. It made $54 million.

    Newt is making a “movie” with his prostitute “friends” for a thousand bucks (if that) and a bunch of children’s pool toys. Shot on his phone.

    Then Newt excitedly mentions all of the inflatable pool toys that he has. Like that’s going to get anybody excited to see this. “Boy, I can’t wait to see this inflatable shark rape a prostitute. That’s entertainment.”

    8:15 – “One of them has pool noodles that rip through their titties.”

    Newt is describing his vision for this work of art. Even PVC Bondage Guy, who’s doing her best to humour this fucking retard, can barely contain her revulsion.

    8:45 – “The producer was like, ‘What’s the motivation?’ And I was like, ‘The motivation is that we’re going to have a lot of fucking chicks with big ass titties in bikinis.’”

    It sounds like this mentally-challenged “producer” wants a script that isn’t a total piece of shit. How silly of him. And Newt, totally unequiped to produce such a script, has to rely on his prostitute “friends” to deliver any sense of value to this thing.

    “And funny dialogue.”

    Mmm…I’m just going to say it. Without reading the script beyond a passing glance, I’m willing to bet my life that there’s not a single even REMOTELY funny line in this script.

    “And again, that sounds so gross when I say it out loud.”

    Do you think so, Newt?

    Then PVC Bondage Guy says that she hopes that she has a role in the movie. Newt says that he has a part for her.

    Newt then says that the Mexican wrestler in Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls was a part that he wrote for PVC Bondage Guy. This was one of the more baffling parts of this script that was full of baffling choices. The character was introduced as part of a new team of “monsters”. Never mind the fact that a Mexican wrestler is not a monster. But then, as soon as the character was introduced, it was never mentioned again.

    Couldn’t it at least be a zombie Mexican wrestler? I mean, why am I writing this piece of shit? It makes NO SENSE that you’re introducing new monsters that this mad scientist created and out comes a MEXICAN WRESTLER.

    Many years ago, I saw somebody was selling sock monkeys with lucha libre masks. I wanted one but I didn’t have money at the time. Then when I got some money, I looked it up and couldn’t find it. I don’t know what happened to those monkeys. It was just somebody selling them from their website. They were obviously making them in their spare time.

    I had a sock monkey as a kid. I was maybe 15 and I saw it laying out in the trash. Somebody obviously had a garage sale and they just dumped all of the shit that didn’t sell. And I’m walking to school and I feel really bad seeing that monkey. But I can’t pick it up because I’m not going to go to school carrying a fucking sock monkey.

    So after school, I’m walking home and I see that monkey again. And it looks like it’s about to start raining. And I think, “I can’t leave this monkey here.” So I looked around, made sure that nobody was watching, and quickly tucked that monkey under my jacket and rushed home.

    I was like 15 and by this time, my scumbag mother had already put all of my stuffed animals in the mouldy basement, dooming them to destruction, but I could at least save this one monkey. And I kept it hidden in my room and even though my mother knew where it was, she let me keep it. And it was still there, safe in my room, when I moved to the UK, whatever, ten years later.

    10:00 – “There are actresses who are uptight about that kind of thing?”

    You mean having “pool noodles” shot out of their tits and getting raped by inflatable sharks? Yeah. You know. Some uptight bitches out there. Good thing all of your “actresses” are fucking literal whores.

    “But there’s also a thing where I want to look sexy on camera. I want to look powerful.”

    Oh sure. It’s so empowering to get raped by an inflatable shark while “pool noodles” are shooting out of your nipples.

    10:15 – “I want women to look their best on camera.”

    Fuck this fucking asshole. Trying to justify the disgusting, retarded bullshit that he does as some kind of feminist empowerment.

    10:45 – “I know how stupid I am. How many times are we hanging out and you show a little cleavage and I completely forget what I’m talking about.”

    It’s a man, Newt. What don’t you understand? Well, he is gay.

    11:00 – “In the concept of filmmaking, a lot of people are scared to make those kind of things any more.”

    You mean total dogshit that nobody wants to watch? I don’t think it’s fear so much as the economic reality and the complete lack of artistic merit.

    11:30 – “Maybe it’s a kink. Maybe I like powerful women. Because I’ve dated mostly women who are taller than me.”

    It’s not hard to do when you’re 5’3″ or whatever Newt is.

    14:00 – He’s talking about Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls. “All my friends who are sex workers have read it and they’re like, dude, yes, this is the fucking script we’ve been looking for.”

    I can’t even imagine a universe where that would A) be said and; B) somebody would believe it.

    14:30 – “I just start writing. I don’t plot anything out.”

    It shows, you fucking retard.

    14:45 – “I gave this to all my ‘friends’ who have Fansly and Only Fans and they’re sex workers and they were like, ‘Oh fuck yeah, dude. We want to be involved in this’. So that made me happy to know that, okay, I’m serving that audience and as long as they’re happy with it, there’s some kind of truth in that art. That will then hopefully translate to people who just want to see the tits and want to see the gore and stuff like that.”

    Newt, there is not one shred of “art” anywhere in that total piece of garbage that you shat out in a day.

    , ,

  • Animal Well, Unicorn Overlord, my Italy trip and more May updates – Cannot be Tamed

    Whoa. Melons out for this one. Have that box of tissues on standby.

    She’s just looking big all over, frankly.

    0:15 – But first a shoot oot for the Point and Drink Adventure podcast with her “friend” Michelle aka Pele.

    1:15 – “So just a bit about my Italy trip for those interested.”

    Pamela, this is the only reason I’m watching the video. Fuck video games. Give us something interesting.

    It’s my same issue with John Riggs. I don’t want to see the video game bullshit. We’ve seen it. Okay? We’ve all seen enough video game bullshit. Bring on the food.

    She went with her mother. “It was sort of a birthday trip for the both of us.”

    How does that work? Similar birthdays? Oh. They do. Apparently on the same day. But it was in October. But I get it. You don’t want to go to Italy in October. You wait until the summer.

    1:30 – “I love Italian food. I love Italian wine.”

    I’ve been to some places. I’ve seen some things. Done some stuff. I’ve never travelled anywhere for the FOOD. Who the fuck does this?

    Are you telling me that there’s not a good Italian restaurant in Toronto or where ever she lives? It’s hardly an obscure cuisine.

    1:45 – She’s showing some of the buildings and shit on the mountainside.

    2:30 – She talks about the wine that she likes. She’s a fucking drunk.

    3:00 – They went to a different city and she’s talking about the wine that she likes in this different city. This is just sad. A drunk’s guide to Italy.

    3:45 – Then they went to Rome and she says that she didn’t like it. Before I even continue to find out the reason, I’m going to guess what the reason is: too crowded.

    “It was just so crazy. So many people. So many cars. So many people just constantly harassing you to buy shit. Trying to trap you into buying shit, which I’ve seen before in other cities like Paris.”

    So I was right but also, is she talking about gypsies? The only people I saw selling shit and doing scams in Paris were gypsies. I suspect that Pam is talking about gypsies UNKNOWINGLY. Because we know how sensitive Pam is about the Romani people. She condemned Quest for Glory IV for having gypsy characters, even though the characters weren’t offensive.

    I remember living in the US, never having seen a gypsy, and thinking, “How fucking backwards are those dopes in Europe that they’re persecuting gypsies?” Then I met a gypsy. The phrase “human garbage” springs to mind.

    Even reading about World War II in school and whatnot, you’d think, “What was Hitler’s beef with the Jews and the gypsies anyway?” Let me tell you, the man didn’t pick these groups out of thin air.

    And why would people go along with it if they didn’t share these beefs? Let’s say that Hitler wanted to persecute Dutch people. People wouldn’t go for that. “That’s preposterous, Hitler. What did the Dutch ever do to us? We’re not going along with that bullshit.” But the Jews and the gypsies? You’re pushing on an open door. There’s a reason that these are the most hated people in Europe.

    4:15 – “It was neat to see ruins like the Colloseum, the Forum of Caesar, and then beside it would be like the tackiest building you’ve ever seen: the Altar of the…Fatherland, which was just like, ‘Rome, calm down.’”

    Pam, YOU’RE the one unwittingly suggesting the genocide of the gypsies.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victor_Emmanuel_II_Monument

    That’s the building that she’s talking about. Built between 1885 and 1935. So nothing to do with fascism. It was started to honor the unification of Italy.

    And the altar contained in the building is a shrine dedicated to soldiers who died. The tomb contains the remains of a soldier who died in World War I. What’s your objection to this, Pam? You don’t like war memorials?

    I mean, if you don’t, that’s fine. But the US is full of them and for some reason, I don’t think that Pam would go to the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in Arlington National Cemetary and say, “What’s this tacky bullshit?” It’s the same fucking thing. Just because it has the word “Fatherland” in it? Grow up, you dumb bitch, and learn how other languages operate. There’s nothing inherently fascist about referring to one’s country in this manner. It’s just a linguistic choice.

    4:30 – “But yeah, Rome was…eugh…not my favourite place to be.”

    Too many fucking gypsies, am I right? Pam, I’m with you 100%. But admit what the problem is. She doesn’t even realise that that’s the problem.

    4:45 – If you want to see more pictures, her Intstagram is “cannot, underscore, be, underscore, tamed.” Pretty catchy, Pam. Not as catchy as your Twitter of Jasyla underscore, though.

    Oh, and what a tease. There are actually FEWER pictures here than what she showed in the video. And she showed all of these pictures that she has on Instagram in the video. So what was the fucking point? I was hoping to see some pictures of scamming gypsies.

    “Vote for the League on 25 September and you’ll never see her again.”

  • BIGFOOT EXORCIST – Newt Wallen

    We’ll cap off Newt Wallen Week with this fucking piece of shit. Bigfoot Exorcist.

    0:00 – “Last month we had the release of Shark Exorcist 2”.

    Which nobody watched. Go on.

    Newt says that Bigfoot Exorcist was the first thing that he ever shot for Donald Farmer. “Obviously, I’ve gone on since then to do Shark Exorcist 2, Blood Bitch Baby, Darby Screamhouse, Amittyville vs The Galactic Samurai Schoolgirls.”

    Oh yeah. Obviously. Those classics that nobody has ever seen.

    0:45 – Newt says that he “badgered” (his word) Donald Farmer “for a very long time” in order to be involved with a movie. “I said I can shoot something. I’m part of this Youtube show.”

    I don’t know if he’s talking about Underbelly or the few months he was working at Screenwave before he was fired for plagiarising 20 scripts for Monster Madness.

    This Bigfoot Exorcist scene that Newt allegedly shot was filmed in March 2020. It was on “My former best friend Justin Silverman’s birthday.”

    This former best friend that he just wrote a script about where Newt repeatedly insults Justin.

    1:45 – “I had Tony Pilluso and Crystal Quin from that old show.”

    Odd that he uses their names. And their full names. He’s always at pains to call them “The Italian” and “The Redhead” because they told him to stop talking about them and his workaround to this was to use barely-concealed aliases.

    Joe from Movie Dumpster was also part of this filming.

    Newt says that he wrote and directed this scene for Bigfoot Exorcist. So you just know that it’s god awful.

    2:00 – “Crystal acted in it and it was cold out and she had to be in a little skirt like with her top open and with a red bra on.”

    Newt, jerk off before you make the video. We don’t give a shit about this.

    2:30 – Newt got in trouble for using the studio at Screenwave on a Saturday without permission. He finds this offensive.

    Newt says that he asked Tony for permission but Tony didn’t ask Ryan. So Newt is blaming Tony. Newt never takes responsibility for anything.

    3:45 – “It was cold out. I feel bad for my former actress, my former friend, my former girlfriend.”

    He just got done talking about the colour of her bra and how short her skirt was. This is him getting sexually excited. He doesn’t give a fuck that she was cold. Fuck off.

    4:00 – “The blood and the red bra and the red hair and everything.”

    Newt, suck a dick, you faggot. I’m sick of hearing your disgusting fantasies.

    “It had this real Boggy Creek meets Last House on the Left kind of feel to it.”

    More plagiarism from The Ideas Man.

    5:00 – “Her chest heaving.”

    Newt, go show your penis to some more gay men for money.

    5:45 – “It sucks that those guys aren’t around to enjoy the release.”

    But they are around. They’re just not around your faggot ass.

    9:45 – “We’re getting closer to a Newt Wallen movie, which is what I wanted.”

    Nobody else wants that, Newt.

    10:45 – “I don’t want to make Youtube videos. I want to make movies, I want to make comic books.”

    Speaking of which, where the fuck is Florida Man Saves Christmas? It’s now YEARS behind schedule.

    Do you suppose that it’s as awful as the Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls script? Is that even possible? It must be. Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls is apparently one of Newt’s better works. God, it boggles the mind.

    11:00 – “I’ve got Were-shark coming up.”

    It’s a piece of shit, Newt. This is all shit.

    11:30 – “I’ve been able to team up with some way more talented than me filmmakers.”

    Newt, you’re on a level that’s so low that we can’t even conseptualise it. Your worth as a filmmaker is less than microscopic. It’s theoretical. You have no business doing any of this and it’s beyond me why people are humoring you. They know that it’s shit. They know that everything that you do is shit. There must be absolutely nobody else who’s willing to do this.

    Newt provides the prositute “actors” so there’s that. Most people don’t want to get involved in that sketchy shit. So I guess that that’s what he brings to this. He brings the prostitute “actors”. And I guess that he has some equipment and props. He’s certainly not bringing any talent.

    12:15 – “We’ve got like nine movies that I’ve done stuff with.”

    All pure shit.

    “Fallon’s in a bunch of them.”

    Speaking of which, where’s Sucks 2 Suck? I want to see that shower scene. And the no doubt excellent and witty script.

    There’s a review of Bigfoot Exorcist on Amazon.

    “A useless and trashy movie not worth sitting and wasting time on.”

    That’s about what I figured.

    There’s the trailer. There are a couple of shots of Horseface in her red bra. I’m fully erect over here.

    Oh, and wouldn’t you know it, Newt left a comment promoting himself. “Shot the opening of this one. Excited to be part of so many Donald projects being released by Wildeye”

    Haha. Then somebody replies and Newt thinks that it’s me.

    Blaze says: “How long is the opening”

    Newt then says, “how many accounts do you have gamer girl. It would be funny if it was not so sad. Get a hobby dude.”

    Blaze says, “so I’m guessing your contribution to this cinematic masterpiece isn’t very long. how many of your scripts for monster madness 2021 were plaquarized?”

    I assure you that I’m not doing any of this. If I’m not writing about it, I’m not doing it. I’m not creating accounts on Youtube or Twitter or whatever and harassing Newt. I’m not calling his jobs. I’m not doing any of this.

    I saw somebody with a Twitter account full of comments about how Newt is a plagiarist and they were referencing stuff that I’ve written about. I assume it’s somebody who reads the blog. And frankly, I found it pathetic, no offence to whoever it might be. But it is absolutely not me and I’m telling you that I find it to be pathetic, obsessive behaviour.

    But I guess people need an outlet. I can write whatever in the blog so there’s no need for me to comment on Youtube or Twitter. But if I didn’t have the blog…I just don’t think that I’d write about it. I mean, who really gives a shit? I don’t care that Newt plagiarised 20 scripts for Monster Madness. I’m not going to hound him over this. It makes sense in the context of a blog because I’m writing about Newt but I’m not going to stalk Newt himself with this shit.

    It’s like the fags on Reddit who are clearly desperate for stuff to talk about so they’ll rehash shit that happened ten years ago and they’ll talk about how he walks and Photoshop him to make him look sexy and all of this. It’s because they’re bored and trying to talk to these other losers on Reddit. So they rehash this old bullshit over and over again. They’re just trying to be part of the community and have some interraction with people.

    But the blog is a journalistic or even a literary endevour. It has some value in that sense.

    Are people collating Reddit posts? No, it’s disposable. But the blog is here for the ages. Future generations will appreciate my efforts to document the plight of fake gamers and unfathomably untalented filmmakers.