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James Rolfe’s Upcoming Book: Gnome Cave
I’m pumped for this. A haunted amusement park. How could you not love it? We all like Scooby Doo, right? This is the plot every third Scooby Doo episode.
Is the background greenscreen? He had those books in the background of a previous video because I remember that book with the moon on it. Anyway, very intellectual background. That’s what you want to see for serious discussion like a book about a haunted amusement park. This is like Masterpiece Theater stuff.
Whatever happened to Masterpiece Theater?
There’s the intro. Oh, it’s still ongoing. Started in 1971. Good for them.
So let’s check out some Scooby Doo episodes to try to figure out what Gnome Cave might be about. It’s got to be somewhere in these episodes.
https://scoobydoo.fandom.com/wiki/Category:Cases_set_at_theme_parks
There are 30 listed but that’s not even all of them. There’s no Foul Play in Funland, for example. Eigth epidode of the first season of Scooby Doo Where Are You, the very first incarnation of the show. Before they had guest stars.
https://scoobydoo.fandom.com/wiki/The_Haunted_Carnival
Here’s The Haunted Carnival. The final episode of The New Scooby Doo Mysteries. Dick Van Dyke helps the gang solve this particular mystery.
Oh, that list of 30 items includes video game levels and comic books. That’s interesting. They even have the 1999 book also called The Haunted Carnival but this one features Scrappy Doo as well.
https://scoobydoo.fandom.com/wiki/Scooby-Doo!The_Haunted_Carnival(Golden_Books)
The cartoon episode of the same name features Dick Van Dyke and it’s revealed that the carnival Strongman was the ghost. But the book seems totally unrelated to the episode.
That woman does a reading. Badly. I don’t even think she’s familiar with the show. Right at the start, she misreads the Shaggy quote, “Like, let’s investivate” as “Let’s, like, investigate”. Shaggy, of course, known for starting his sentences with “like.”
Her inflections are all wrong and unnatural. She gets her words muddled up. She does voices but they don’t match the characters AT ALL. It’s just jarring.
2:15 – Whoa. Check out Mrs Gullet, the sword swallower. This has to be intentional. I don’t mean the lame pun but why make the character have such giant tits?
2:45 – Just listen to that awful Scrappy Doo impression.
And this book makes NO SENSE. It just immediately switches to new scenes every time you turn the page. There’s no logical progression. On one page, they’re popping balloons in a carnival game, the next page has them meeting the Phantom of the Carnival, the next page has them in a hall of mirrors. What is this? Is any of this going to be resolved satisfactorily?
No. All that happens is the Phantom of the Carnival TRIPS OVER SCOOBY DOO. Then that top-heavy sword swallower unmasks him and it’s…some guy who named Scotty who wanted to buy the carnival. He was haunting the carnival hoping to lower the property value and thereby get a deal. It’s preposterous. And what was he even doing to haunt the place? Putting paint in the balloon games? Who cares?
And that woman reads the final page TERRIBLY. She doesn’t know the characters. Doesn’t know their catchphrases. So she stumbles over everything.
Nevertheless, I still think that this book will be better than Gnome Cave. I mean, come on. A haunted amusement park? The man is nearly 50 years old.
And that autobiography…it was the worst thing I’ve ever read. This guy has no business writing anything.
Speaking of people who have no business writing anything, Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen shit out another incomprehensible script.
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Mike and Erin stream Family Feud and other Super Nintendo games – Erin Plays
Oh, Erin is pretending to be a big Family Feud fan today. Great.
And we have Mike in his Mickey Mouse shirt. Quite a change from his usual black t-shirt. I suspect that this was a gift from Erin. Maybe she got it during one of her twice-monthly trips to Disneyland. Perhaps she’s checking on her parents’ estate while she’s there.
Do you suppose she’ll keep the property in California? I mean, she’s there so often, it would make sense. It would be cheaper than getting a hotel. More convenient. Plus, all the memories she has of her childhood home. You know…staring at the wall, that time that she played Pole Position on her father’s Atari 2600 PC CD-ROM.
0:00 – “Also, I’m getting over being sick so if I’m coughing, I’m sorry.”
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more unhealthy person. She’s ALWAYS sick. Or so she claims. It’s a mental health problem, not a physical one.
Then she edits something out. So let’s go to Twitch for the unedited goodness.
Mike points at his shirt and says do you know who that is? Erin, the charisma blackhole that she is, says, “No. I’ve never seen that character before.” Mike then says “Mortimer Mouse.” Erin says, “Ew. Mickey is a much better name.”
I’m about 90% sure that Erin didn’t get the reference.
So that’s what she edited out. Just that. Just that little “joke” that I think exposes Erin as not knowing that Mickey Mouse was originally called Mortimer Mouse.
0:30 – Erin says, “At first we were going to do it like him versus me but I think we should be on the same team like versus the computer.”
Oh sure. That makes perfect sense, Erin. That’s what everybody likes seeing, right? A little cooperation. To hell with competitiveness.
How stupid does she think we are? Well, I suppose that her viewers are largely mentally retarded but even they can’t be buying this. She knows she’s going to get destroyed because she knows nothing about video games, doesn’t know the rules around Family Feud, and won’t be able to answer even the simple questions that come up on Family Feud.
She goes on to explain that doing it this way means that they can look at the chat and otherwise it would be “too stressful.” It makes NO SENSE. How does being on the same team mean that they can look at the chat more? They could look at the chat the same exact amount of time IF NOT MORE by being on opposite teams. When the one player is playing, the other player can look at the chat. What the fuck is she talking about? It’s just some paper thin excuse, totally illogical, that she came up with because she doesn’t want to get curb stomped by Mike and demonstrate her complete lack of knowledge about EVERYTHING. Newsflash, Erin. That horse has long since bolted from the barn and is now living in Florida. EVERYBODY knows that you’re an idiot. It’s not a secret. Move on.
1:15 – So Erin is starting the game. You can CLEARLY change what the family looks like, there’s an arrow after the words “Family 1” but Erin doesn’t realize this. So she just asks what the family’s name should be. You can see the retarded suggestion that the chat came up with in the screenshot.
1:45 – Mike asks Erin if she’s ever owned a Furby. No prizes for guessing her answer. What the fuck were her parents doing?
“I didn’t but I had friends who did.”
Great story, Erin.
2:15 – Mike asks if she ever had a Cabbage Patch doll.
No prizes for this one either. But at least she has an excuse here. It’s before her time. But Furbies aren’t.
Mike asks if she ever had Beanie Babies.
Hold everything. Erin says that she DID have Beanie Babies. What the fuck? Maybe she stole one from a friend or something because her parents weren’t buying her anything.
Mike asks if they had names. Erin says, “Yeah…like, I don’t remember their names but each one, like the little Ty heart tag, it would say their name.”
How bizarre is this? It shows that she had absolutely no attachment to these things. I had loads of stuffed animals and I can still tell you their names. It’s like Erin is incapable of caring about anything or anyone.
3:00 – So first question. Name something Switzerland is famous for. Erin is not going to have a clue. I’ll say chocolate…wait, this is the bullseye round so I only have to give one answer. I’ll say chocolate. Let’s see if Erin gives an answer AT ALL or if she just leaves it to Mike or looks at the chat for answers.
Mike screams out, “The Matterhorn”. Erin pauses and says…”Do you think that’s…going to be an answer.”
She’s right to be cautious. First of all, she has no idea what it is. I don’t even know. A mountain, I think. But secondly, this is the BULLSEYE round. Only the TOP answer will be shown. Erin clearly doesn’t know this. Erin has clearly never seen the show before OR played the SNES game.
Then Mike says “chocolate” and Erin says, “Oh yeah.” But she’s still typing “Matterhorn” in.
Oh, chocolate was a suggestion from the chat. This is what we want to see. How well do the retards in the chat play the game.
Guys…PLAY THE FUCKING GAME YOURSELVES. We want see how well YOU do. I want to see Erin answer every single question BY HERSELF. What’s so hard about this?
But then Erin, inexplicably, just types in “Alps” which was apparently the correct answer. She presumably got this answer from the chat.
Then she says, “Yeah, I guess I should have said mountains.”
BUT YOU GOT THE RIGHT FUCKING ANSWER. She doesn’t seem to realize that.
3:45 – “Name an occupation in which it would be a help to be a good listener.”
Who wrote these questions? It’s oddly phrased. I don’t know. Let’s find out what the chat says because Erin certainly won’t come up with anything and Mike is looking at his phone, presumably at the chat.
Erin lost out to the computer who answered “physician.” Erin claims that she was going to say “therapist.” Well then fucking buzz in quicker.
Physician was the right answer.
4:00 – “Name an occupation in which people get lots of mail.” I’ll say actor. Fan mail.
Erin buzzes in, doesn’t know, and then asks for help. Mike doesn’t know. She looks at the chat, who may or may not have provided an answer, and then says, “I don’t know. I guess mailman?”
Then she goes with senator, presmably an answer from the chat.
Mike reads from the chat and they seem to be saying “celebrity.”
Senator was wrong. The computer says “show biz” which was right.
5:00 – “Besides king and queen, name a title some people have in England.” I’ll say prince.
Mike says “sir”, which, of course, is not a title in this sense.
Erin even, inadvertently corrects him, and says “Oh yeah, like you can be knighted.” So the title is KNIGHT you morons.
It was wrong, of course. Erin says, “How come we’re getting dominated here?” Because your answers are shit and you’re shit.
The computer says “lady”, which of course is not a title either. The computer seems to be as stupid as Mike and Erin are.
So we never got the right answer.
5:30 – “Name a person who expects you to pay attention to him or her.” Boyfriend. Let’s see if Erin actually manages this one.
Erin has a vacant look and Mike says “kids”, inexplicably.
Wrong, of course.
The chat suggested teacher, which is also shit.
The computer says “spouse” which of course was the right answer.
It really illustrates what Mike and Erin’s relationship is like that this didn’t occur to them. “A spouse is supposed to listen to you? What? What kind of crazy answer is that?”
So that’s the end of the bullseye round. Mike says, “Do we have any money, though?”
Well, aside from the $1,000 that you got from the first correct answer, there’s the $5,000 that you start with. Doesn’t he know this? Wasn’t he a big fan of the Ray Colms era of Family Feud, which this game is based on?
Oh, maybe the other family got that first answer right because Mike and Erin only have $5,000.
6:30 – Now we’re at the first actual question. “Name something people can inherit gentically from their parents.” Eye colour. Hair colour. Skin colour. Height. Mental health problems.
Mike says “hair line”, an answer that obviously will not be there. Erin says, “Do you think that will be there instead of eye colour?”
Erin, use your fucking head and veto Mike’s idiotic “comedy” answer in favour of your obviously correct answer. This is fucking colours. It’s right up Erin’s alley. Of course she got this one right.
Erin just types in “hair” and says “should I put hair colour?” She’s all about the colours. But she leaves it at “hair” and then the number two answer is revealed as “hair colour.”
The computer chooses height, which is number three.
Erin wins control of the board and eagerly begins typing “eye colour” as Mike racks his brain trying to come up with answers, his eyes never leaving the chat.
Then…eugh…Erin looks to the chat. They aren’t going to play this properly.
Somebody in the chat says “money” and Erin gives a weird look, mentally counting her fortune from her parents, and then re-reads the question and says, “No, genetically.”
8:45 – Erin claims, for the second time this stream, that it’s stressful.
9:45 – Erin says “trauma”, which I think is her own answer, and a real insight into her life.
She didn’t go with “trauma”, though. Instead, she went with “skin”, which was wrong and their third strike.
My answers were all given. So…let’s think…I don’t know. Weight, although this would have been a controversial answer in the 1990s.
Heart problems and skin colour were the final two answers. I guess they didn’t accept “skin” for “skin colour.”
11:00 – “Name a food that leaves you with a couple of days of leftovers.” That’s clearly a Thanksgiving-based question. I’ll say turkey…I don’t know. Stuffing wouldn’t be there, surely. Maybe it’s not just Thanksgiving. Maybe just any big meal. Stew. Maybe Erin will say “casserole” and amuse us all again.
Mike says, “Turkey, Thanksgiving.”
Let’s give Erin a shot at these, Mike. It’s her stream. People want to see her answers.
Mike says “pizza” and Erin immediately looks at the chat. She can’t even give ONE answer herself. Just name a fucking food. What’s so hard about that?
She looks at the chat and says, “Oh, chili. That’s a good one. Like anything in a crock pot, really.”
This is a reference to her tweet a few months ago where she boasted about how she was using a crock pot to make lentil soup.
Mike says, “I think you should say pizza.” Erin says, “But…a couple of days?”
How much fucking pizza is Erin eating? Yes, a couple of days. She’s sitting there and gorging herself.
11:45 – “I’m going to put casserole.”
Oh my god, she did it. Shout out to my favourite article.
She wasn’t even saying this as a joke. What is her obsession with casseroles?
Erin reluctantly puts “pizza” and then says, “Because if they literally mean days…pizza is like one extra day.”
I just don’t get it. They’re either ordering very small pizzas or Erin is eating a lot of pizza. Pizza is CLEARLY going to be there.
What? It wasn’t.
Hopefully, she returns to this casserole idea.
Oh my god, she’s putting “casserole” in there.
Mike says, “So that means you down the entire pizza?”
Yeah. He doesn’t get it either. But…haven’t they ordered a pizza in the FIVE YEARS that they’ve been living together? He doesn’t seen how quickly or otherwise Erin is inhaling pizza?
Casserole wasn’t on there, of course.
Then the chat suggests “lasagna” which Erin eagerly agrees to, lasagna just being another type of casserole, of course. Erin is all about casserole for whatever bizarre reason.
No lasagna so that’s their third strike.
I don’t know. What did I say? Stew. I’m not sure about that. I think that pizza was a good answer, despite Erin’s vociferous objections.
The computer chooses roast beef, which was on there. I’m not entirely sure what that is. I only know it from Arby’s sandwiches. What is roast beef? Let me look this up.
Oh yeah. Like a big chunk of meat that gets carved. I’ve seen this at some of your “classier” casino buffets.
Pasta was number two. Weird answer. Then meat loaf. Then soup.
I don’t know. That was a bad question and bad answers.
13:45 – “Name something you read every day without fail.” Newspaper…what else can it be? Do they want specific sections in the newspaper? Your horoscope. The comics page. The weather. Maybe magazines.
Oh my god, Erin actually didn’t need help on this one. She said the newspaper. Good job, Erin. You can do it.
Mike says TV Guide. Yeah, that’s good.
Newspaper was number one. So then Mike says “try road signs.”
What fucking stupidity is this? And this was after he gave the suggestion of TV Guide, horoscope, and Dear Abby. He thinks that ROAD SIGNS is going to be there. Like people READ road signs. They’re taking a moment to read the stop sign.
Even though Erin, rightly, suspected that it wouldn’t be there, she typed it in anyway. Erin, use your judgement. Do not put his stupid answers in there.
A horntard suggests bible. That was on there.
Mail, another horntard suggestion, was on there.
Horntards are suggesting “clock”. Again, Erin is skeptical, citing the bad answer of “road signs” but she still puts it in anyway. There is NO WAY “clock” is going to be there.
Unbelieveably, it was there.
Then the game just ends abruptly even though there was still an answer up there. What the fuck happened? Did they edit something out? Let me check.
Oh, they did indeed. Let’s see what controversial, too hot for Youtube answers there were.
Well, Erin, a holder of an English degree, misspells “calendar” as “calender” but surely that’s not the reason.
Oh, a horntard corrects her spelling and she immediately tries “calendar.” So maybe that was the reason. She was just embarrassed by this spelling error. WHO CARES? Why would THIS of all things, cause her to be embarrassed? Of all the humiliations that she endures in every stream why is THIS the thing that she decided she didn’t want to rebroadcast?
And that was the correct answer. So they got a clean sweep. But we don’t see ANY of this in the Youtube video. There’s just a brief cut to the victory because Erin was so self-conscious about this minor SPELLING mistake that LOADS of people get wrong.
Absolutely unbelieveable. The video doesn’t even MAKE SENSE the way she’s edited this out. And it’s for such a petty reason.
16:45 – So they’re at the Fast Money round. Mike tells Erin that she has to be quick. Erin panics and asks Mike if he wants to do it. Mike declines and says “You’re more used to it.” In what fucking universe is Erin more used to typing shit into video games than Mike is?
“Name a part of the body that changes least with age.” Erin suggests legs.
Oh, this could be good. Given the nature of the round, Erin doesn’t have time to wait for the horntards to give answers.
“Learn something Boy Scouts learn to do.” Erin says “start a fire”. I would have said “tie knots.”
“Name a color of the rainbow.” Oh, Erin has this one. I’ll say blue but what’s her answer going to be? Mike…FUCK OFF. He interjects with “red”. This was Erin’s fucking moment. We wanted to hear HER colour. Fucking piece of shit.
“How many shows do you try and watch whenever they’re on.”
I don’t think a native English speaker wrote these questions. Erin says three.
“Name a fruit used in pies.” I’ll say apple. That’s what Erin went with as well.
They got 126 points. Mike says that it’s his turn and he shouldn’t have been looking. I was going to make the same point. Mike should have been off in a sound-proof booth, just like on the show.
They end up with 178, owing to Mike’s sometimes stupid answers. So a big fail but still, five dollars a point that’s…890 big ones.
The prize money was never good on Family Feud. They got $890 split five ways. It’s not even worth it. When you factor in the cost of gas, and parking, and having to buy nice clothes, and the missed work, you end up LOSING money.
Even if they got the $5,000 jackpot, who gives a shit? That’s $1,000 for each of them for a day’s work. It’s surely more than they would have made working but it’s hardly life-changing money. You’re not going to buy a car with it. You’re going to maybe redo the tiling in the bathroom and that’s it. It’s worth all of that hassle of going onto the show for new bathroom tiles?
They seem to play this for another round. Let’s see if it improves. I won’t go detailed with this.
Mike is playing now.
It’s the Bulls Eye round. One of the questions is about your favourite fried food. Mike is typing “chicken” and Erin laughs. Mike then panics and says “should I put fries instead?” Erin insists that chicken was a good answer and that she doesn’t know why she laughed. I don’t either. But Mike, like an idiot, changes his answer to “french fries”, which, bizarrely, was the right answer. Then Mike says, “I bet chicken was number one, though.”
No. Don’t you know what the fucking Bulls Eye round is? ONLY the top answer matters. ONLY the top answer is given. He doesn’t have a fucking clue. He calls himself a Family Feud fan?
I believe that Ray Colms hated the Bulls Eye round, by the way. It was shit.
26:30 – The question was, “Name a dog in cartoons or comics”. The final two answers, which nobody got, were Daisy and Sandy. Erin says that she doesn’t know either of them. She’s not a big Little Orphan Annie fan, I guess.
Who’s Daisy, though? Oh, the dog from Blondie.
27:30 – The question is “Name something that most people do at the same time every day of their lives.” Mike says “poop” which is what I thought too, but is it going to be on there? Erin went with “wake up.” But in response to Mike’s answer, Erin said, “If they’re extremely regular” which might be the first time I’ve ever laughed at one of Erin’s “jokes.”
So they lost the second game.
35:00 – They’re playing again.
49:00 – The question is name a famous tiger. The number one answer is Tony the Tiger. Erin put the answer in and they gave her credit for Tiger, from Winnie the Pooh. The computer also gave Tony the Tiger as an answer and they buzzed it. So it’s a bug. They didn’t recognize Tony the Tiger. Maybe if she just would have written “Tony” it would have solved the problem. Because when she wrote “Tony the Tiger” it gave her credit for Tigger, as like a misspelled word.
So they lose and turn the game off.
Do I want to watch any more of this? Not really. I’ll just skip around.
1:07:00 – Mike is complaining about an imaginary person who criticises Erin for being bad at a video game that she’s never played before. Erin REPEATEDLY says that she’s never played the game before. It’s like her catchphrase. And Mike says, “I’d like to take the person who complains about not being an expert at a game you’ve never played before, put him in front of a large audience, have him play a game that he’s never played before, and see how he does.”
Mike, you’re missing the point, probably intentionally. Most people would have more sense than that. They wouldn’t make videos about video games when they don’t have any experience or knowledge about video games. It’s called not being a lying grifter.
Nobody cares that she sucks at video games and knows nothing about them. The issue is why do this then? Why the blatent dishonesty?
So that was Erin crying about not being able to spell “calendar”. I can’t believe that she edited that out. It’s completely trivial. She seems to get hung up on things that don’t matter AT ALL but ignores the MASSIVE problems with her channel. Did we need a 30 minute video where she just talks about colours and plays the first level in a few shitty games, badly? The entire foundation of her channel is rotten and she has no personality AT ALL. THAT’S what she should be embarrassed about. Just stop making the videos. This isn’t for you. There’s no shame in it. People are good at different things.
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Chris Bores’ New Book (Plus Bonus Newt Wallen Content)
So he has a book on “creepypasta” which he defines as urban legends that come from the internet. It’s a good thing he defined it because I had no fucking idea.
Before I get into the book, which is insane, let’s look at the promotional video, which is also insane.
0:00 – “Today I’m sue excited.”
I’ve never heard somebody mispronounce “so” before. It’s two letters, Chris. How did you POSSIBLY get this wrong? And I don’t think that this is a flub. I think that this is his pronunciation. But if that’s the case, how did I miss it all these years? “So” much come up a lot. And this is REALLY noticeable. Maybe a ghost briefly possessed him.
“A lot of people have been waiting for this.”
He’s talking about his book. Literally nobody has been waiting for it. The comments are full of angry people giving him shit for making a big multi-day countdown to this. Apparently, this is something that he was doing and people expected a new Irate Gamer episode to be the big news. But no, it was this “creepypasta” book.
Also, what I noticed was weird about this video, one of many things, is that he’s holding the camera with one hand, with his arm outstretched, and constantly gesticulating with the other hand in an aggressive manner. Just put the camera on a fucking tripod. Or a stack of books on your dresser. Something. This is a professional? How many years has he been making videos?
1:30 – “I kind of am like a demonologist. I go out and cleanse houses and I see this thing first hand what demons can do.”
Uh huh. And this isn’t even related to the book in way that I can figure.
“I tear apart all of these creepypastas.”
This seems to suggest that he’s debunking this obviously nonsense but…no. That’s not what the book is about. It’s much more bizarre than that.
2:15 – “I have gotten a medium, like, psychic type person to help me out and channel some of the things about this story.”
He’s talking about the Slenderman “creepypasta” but I think he does this with all ten of his “creepypasta” topics, which include things like Polybius and Chris Chan.
This actually made me lose complete and total interest in the book. Because before I watched the video, I read the sample pages that he has on Amazon and it was…completely mental but I thought maybe it would be unintentionally funny.
But I don’t want to read 150 pages of what some “psychic” things about nerd legends. Who the fuck does? And why isn’t this psychic given any credit in the book? She seems to have played a massive role in this. Why isn’t she co-writer or something? Or at least give her “help” credit like James Rolfe used to do.
It doesn’t even make sense. But he explains more so let’s get back to it.
2:30 – “I know some people are like, ‘Psychics, whatever.’”
Yeah. It’s all bullshit. All of this ghost shit, the psychics, whatever other 19th centry swindles you’re trying to dredge up, it’s all bullshit.
He’s even dressed like he’s from the 19th century on the picture on the book and his Youtube profile. So this is all part of his plan. He’s doing grifts from 150 years ago. What’s next? Horse scams? Selling quack medication? He should get a wagon and a donkey and take his show on the road like Professor Marvel in the Wizard of Oz. And actually, he is planning something like that, which I’ll come to soon.
2:45 – He says that he spoke to this psychic for two hours. I don’t even know what I should be criticising at this point. Is that not enough time to be able to put together a book on the subject or is this all just bullshit and who cares? I suppose the latter.
3:15 – So with the help of this psychic in this two hour session, he was able to make a sketch of gameplay from the Polybius game but he cautions, “As much as we could pull because there are certain things that even the powers that be did not want out there to influence others.”
I don’t know who he’s referring to. Demons? Jews? The Illuminati? Donald Trump? I don’t know. But there’s somebody out there who doesn’t want you to see all of Chris Bores’ shitty sketches of Polybius, a game that doesn’t exist, that he was somehow able to channel with the help of a psychic.
But what would knowing what the game looks like even do? What’s the harm? I guess because it’s like a haunted game. Demons are going to do something or ghosts or monsters or something.
3:30 – “When you hear the description of what this game entailed, you’re going to be like…’Oh my god, that makes so much sense.’”
Chris, none of this makes sense. And what a fucking tease that is. You’re going to think “This makes so much sense.” Who fucking cares? I was expecting, “Oh my god, this changes everything. I can’t believe that this true.” No. Just…”Oh, that makes sense. Cool. They were demons. Just as I suspected. Moving on.”
5:00 – “I’m also doing a museum that I’m taking around to different conventions.”
This is his traveling sideshow scam that he’s working on. Come see…WHAT? What does he have in this fucking “museum”?
There’s the video where he promotes this traveling con show but…he doesn’t show anything. So…what are we…I guess it’s going to be like replicas of the inconsequential shit that he talks about in the book. At best. Who cares about that?
I guess that he can’t show you the actual items in the video because demons wouldn’t allow that. He’s all about those demons. Anything he doesn’t want to explain, demons is his go to answer. It used to be ghosts but he seems to have moved on to demons.
5:15 – “The energy in this thing just blew my mind.”
WHAT THING? What the fuck is in this “museum”? There’s no way it’s anything authentic because he either wouldn’t have access to this shit or the shit doesn’t exist. So why the “energy”? Energy from your shitty replicas?
5:45 – “These items that I have are the avatars for darkness.”
I think that that pretty much confirms that these are just replicas. He calls replicas “avatars for darkness.” Most people just call it “cheap bootleg crap.”
Then he ends the video by telling you to get the book. He wanted to make it as “affordable as possible.” Which is twenty bucks, apparently. Pretty steep for a 150 page book.
Top comment is: “Saying this with love; I’m worried about you and your mental state.”
So we go to Amazon using his affiliate link and thereby giving him a penny. The book is only available as a paperback. Not digital.
There was no reason he couldn’t make this digital. He did this to make piracy less easy, I guess, but who the fuck was going to bootleg this fucking shit?
No reviews.
There are a few sample pages available.
So it starts with SonicChu, which is some medallion that Chris Chan wore. I don’t know or care anything about this or Chris Chan but fortunately, Chris BORES gives a very libelous introduction.
“Anyone who watched his videos, could see that he suffered from a severe case of autism. He showcased himself almost daily and put his disability on display for all to see.”
And it only gets worse from there. I like towards the end he says, “Chris Chan would soon form a condition known as Cognitive Dissonance.”
Cognitive dissonance is a phrase that I’ve used…well, let’s check…five times on the blog. It’s not a mental disability. It’s not a diagnosis. It’s not capitalised either. It’s something that everybody experiences. You hold two conflicting views on a subject and it makes you feel uneasy because you can’t reconcile the views.
Like when PVC Bondage Guy eats a fried chicken the size of her head despite the fact that she’s supposed to be getting in shape for her wrestling “career.” She knows full well head-sized chicken products are not healthy and are going to lead to weight gain but she justifies it to herself by saying, “I’m in the ‘bulking’ phase of my diet.”
Politically. Somebody might think that voting is pointless (which is true) but they vote anyway because it’s their “civic duty.” The two things can’t both be true. Why would it be your “civic duty” to do something that’s pointless. But that’s the argument. This cognitive dissonance leads to feelings of unease. That’s all it is. It’s not a mental health problem like Chris BORES thinks it is.
You believe in ghosts and demons but your “proof” is that your golf cart broke down momentarily while on vacation. You need more proof than that. You’re basing your entire Youtube “career” on ghosts and demons being real but the universe is conspiring against you by offering absolutely no proof of the existence of ghosts and demons. So it leads to an unpleasant feeling. That’s cognitive dissonance. Big fucking deal, you fucking retard conman.
So that’s Chris’ book and traveling sideshow of cheap crap and…whatever else he’s planning. I suspect that he didn’t sell a single copy of that book. How could he? Who’s buying it? The comments are 100% calling him a crazy person.
Speaking of which, let’s move on to Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen.
He’s reviewing Mountain Dew. They’ve got a new flavour. Catch it while you can.
He’s outside of the street where his movie theatre is and it’s actually interesting to me because I checked this street out for a previous article on Google Street View and indeed, this looks familiar.
1:15 – “I’m supposed to be getting in shape and I am down five pounds, getting rid of the double chin a little bit. It’s also the angle that I shoot at.”
This is all a reference to a throw away line that I wrote here:
I mentioned that he has a double chin. Now he has a complex about it.
I wish that he would take the more substantive stuff that I say about him to heart. About being a giant asshole and whatnot. But he’s so vain and self-obsessed that THIS is what he focuses on. This superficial bullshit.
Although, I am pleased that Newt had to read through my multi-paragraph rant against the US in order to get to that double chin comment. He’s reading about the Powel Memorandum and how the US is a nation built on gun-loving cowards and H L Mencken and whatnot and he’s stroking his double chin and thinking, “Oh, fascinating. I’ll have to look into that.”
Just like with this article, Newt had to read all about cognitive dissonance before he got to the juicy part about himself. It’s like I’m punishing him with knowledge. If you want to get to the narcissistic goodness, you must first suffer through my off-topic rants.
Anyway, Newt lost five pounds while sucking down the sodas. Well, good for you, Newt. People gain and lose five pounds on a regular basis. It’s the normal fluctuation of weight in human beings owing to changes in fluid retention. Give us an update when you lost twenty pounds.
And get fucking PVC Bondage Guy in on this weight lose journey. It’s totally irresponsible to let that transmasc individual continue to balloon like that.
This isn’t entirely on point but I was just suddenly reminded of fat lesbians. I had a neighbour who was married to a guy and she had a couple of kids. My sister used to babysit for them. This woman apparently struggled with her weight when she was younger but I only knew her as a fairly slim woman. She talked about food all the time, though, and her kids were overweight because she fed them too much.
Then she got divorced. Almost immediately she gained, I’m not even exaggerating, two hundred pounds. She went from, whatever, 150 pounds to 350 pounds. Like overnight.
Then she got a butch girlfriend. The girlfriend was bigger than she was.
So they’re at my house, they’re sitting on my mother’s three seater sofa, and it’s just the two of them. Nobody else can fit on that sofa. And you hear the sofa creaking. And my mother is looking uncomfortable, just waiting for it to collapse. And this butch lesbian is ranting against this woman’s ex-husband and men generally and god knows what.
Last I checked, her son is HUGE and works as a truck driver in Texas. And she lives with him in a trailer. The butch girlfriend is long gone. I’m thinking that she’s also still enormous.
Anyway, back to grifting. The Music Man. I’ve posted this clip before but it can be enjoyed on many levels. The one you see most often in the comments is, “What the fuck? Gary is a shithole. If this guy ever sang this in Gary today, he’d be shot.”
But the deeper enjoyment is much more fulfilling. The guy is a grifter in the early 20th century. Even at the time, Gary wasn’t a great place to live. And the “facts” he’s giving about Gary are all wrong. That’s the joke. He’s conning this town into buying band uniforms or some shit.
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Johanna from Hack the Movies Lost a Lot of Weight
Am I crazy? At first, I thought it was some new skank that Tony was having in the video. No. It’s Johanna from Hack the Movies.
I haven’t looked at Tony’s videos in at least a year. But it looks like she lost at least fifty pounds since then.
https://linktr.ee/stufflikehearts
I was looking at her Link Tree for confirmation but there’s really nothing. She doesn’t seem to be on Twitter any more, opting instead for BlueSky. But it’s just an old profile picture and she rarely posts.
Here’s a post seemingly from a rather recent event where her mother almost died. None of her siblings visited her mother at the hospital. Then her mother got better. Then her mother-in-law died. Then her mother told people about her mother-in-law dying, which apparently she shouldn’t have done due to “legal reasons.” Whatever that means. So then her mother got upset with her.
No responses. Because nobody goes to fucking BlueSky. But at least she’s sticking it to Elon Musk.
I also noticed that Castszilla versus the Podmonster, her and Tony’s beleaguered Godzilla podcast, ended in April 2024. It was entirely unwatchable by the end. They just did it off the cuff. No preparation. It was all just to shake retards down for “donataions.”
Speaking of which, she has her “Throne” site linked here. This is like the Amazon Wish List thing that prostitutes will put up. I’ve never seen this before. She wants you to buy her things because…fuck knows? It’s mostly Dungeons & Dragons dice.
She’s also on Tumblr? What year is this? But it’s all anime pictures.
This woman is married. Just stop this shit. But good for her on the weight loss and condolences on the mother-in-law and the shitty mother.
Is Tony doing anything interesting? Umm….no. There’s not a single video I want to subject myself to and his Twitter is just full of bizarre re-tweets of some guy attacking fat chicks called the Plus Size Park Hoppers, a group of obese women who go to Disney World. I think that Tony does this right wing stuff to try to gain viewers but…is it working? I think that the idea is that he does this “ironically” but I think that he genuinely holds these views.
What about Horseface?
Oh, that’s really hot. Horseface is going to Nashville and wants “recommendations.” WHAT recommendations? I recommend getting a job and stopping this nonsense where you pretend to be a hot chick.
Is Tennesee even a state where people typically wear cowboy hats?
NO mention of Tennessee other than somebody claiming to be from Tennessee who says, “If you see cowboy hats in Nashville they’re usually tourists!”
What a fucking dope Horseface is.
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Newt’s Movie Theatre Pricing Policy
Five bucks a ticket? You can’t beat that.
I used to go to the Prince Charles Cinema in London. They’d show second run movies and old movies. I’m thinking that the prices were £5 so that’s like $7.50. But this was 15 or 20 years ago. Prices are £14 now for non-members and £11 for members.
How much is membership? Wow. £15 a year. That’s a deal. It pays for itself in five visits. Plus, there are £1 shows for members. Lifetime membership is £60. That’s nothing.
I used to go there regularly. It’s a fine cinema. I believe that Quentin Tarantino said that it was his favourite cinema in London. And it’s very close to some corporate cinema who charges THIRTY POUNDS a ticket. And again, these prices are from 15 or 20 years ago.
Maybe Newt should suggest introducing a membership to his cinema. Just rip off the idea. He’s not above that.
The bathrooms at the Prince Charles Cinema were unbelieveable, though. It was like somebody died in there. I don’t think that they were ever cleaned. I heard a customer complaining about them.
They had a great selection of movies. Classics and just slightly out of date recent movies. Like movies that were being shown a month or two ago.
I’m looking at reviews of Newt’s theatre. 4.9/5.0 on Google. That has to be packed full of fake reviews. It does seem to have a lot of reviews. Nearly 1000. For a cinema in a small town? Fuck off.
- “I love going here it’s only $5 a person. Go to their website and check what movie they are giving and go”
That just sounds like advertising. If it weren’t for the correct spelling and grammar, I’d assume that Newt himself wrote that.
- “The prices are great comparing to other movie theaters movies are great but some of the chairs you can feel the springs”
I hear that. There’s nothing worse than sitting in a chair and feeling a spring up your ass. Fix it, Newt. Do your fucking job.
- “Love the Grand. So thankful they showed How to Train your Dragon and Mission Impossible. $5 movies and $3.25 buckets of popcorn. Friendly clean and safe.”
I know that these are just ads disguised as genuine reviews but it does sound tempting. Five bucks? $3.25 for what she describes as a “tub” of popcorn? These are prices from 30 years ago.
Plus, you have Newt and presumably the rest of the employees dressed up in tuxedos in shit like it’s from the 1930s or whatever. So they’re not skimping on the ambiance.
Oh and here we go.
- “It feels like stepping back in time. Beautiful theater, tuxedoed ushers and reasonable concessions. A great experience for the entire family”
So yeah.
- “Great movie theater. Single screen, and an old school feel. Good prices. The seats are pretty comfortable and everything feels cleaner than a few other theaters around.”
This guy doesn’t mind the sping up his ass. It might even be a perk for some people.
- “If you love nostalgia, don’t mind the musty smell & sharing an out-dated restroom…then this is perfect little movie theater for you.”
I was talking to my friend about euphamisms for bathrooms in the US versus the UK. In the US, they’ll say “bathroom” or, as in this case, in this case “restroom.” And “bathroom” is always a subject of scorn in the UK because, “There’s no bath in there.” So what are they called in the UK? “Toilets.” Like that’s better. Why focus on the toilets? Why the desire to mention toilets? Isn’t “bathroom” classier than that?
But my friend insisted that she says “restrooms”, which, maybe she does, but it’s not the done thing in the UK. “Toilets” is the common term for public facilities. There’s also “WC” and some of the classier facilities are labelled that, being an abbreviation for “water closet”, bizarrely, but nobody calls it that.
- “We go here for all of our movies now! Great experience and option for a date night or for a family night out. Love the prices! Can’t beat a $5 movie ticket for new releases.”
New releases? Really? I don’t think so. I mean, he’s advertising Jaws for fuck’s sake. Let me check how “new” these releases are.
Cash only? What the fuck? That looks a little shady.
“Current” attractions: Jaws, Metropolis (1927), Phantom of the Opera (1925), Rocky Horror Picture Show, Medium’s Gallery? What? And tickets are $20 for that. What is this?
Oh, it’s a live performance with some charleton presenting herself as a “medium”. How weird is that? At a movie theatre? Apparently, she does shows throughout rural Pennysylvania. “Paranormal” shit too.
Maybe Chris BORES can take notes on this business model.
The Wizard of Oz (1925) is also playing. So…if by “new releases” you mean stuff within the past 100 years, I guess so.
And these aren’t even deep cuts. This is mainstream shit.
They claim to be showing Mortal Kombat II and Wicked: For Good “soon”, which are new releases, but who knows when that’s going to be? I just gave you all of the movies that are coming up. It was Jaws, Rocky Horror Picture Show, and some mainstream movies from 100 years ago.
Who hasn’t seen Wizard of Oz? Come on. Although, I guess seeing it on the big screen might be something.
I saw Seven Samurai at the Prince Charles Cinema. That was great. I saw a lot of foreign films there, actually. Newt needs to tap into this. Get the avant garde, intellectual crowd in there. He’s focusing on grandmothers looking for a place to go to with their grandkids.
- “Stopped at this place while passing through town, and had a wonderful experience. Definitely felt like stepping back through time when entering the theater. While the movie I saw was a new film, getting to see the old Looney Tunes short before the movie was a wonderful moment that really made it feel like I had traveled back in time.”
Oh yeah. Newt has mentioned that he shows a Looney Tunes short before every movie. I wonder if he’s paying for that. Presumably not.
- “The plays are top-notch, and the actors are superb.”
They do plays too? Newt should put something together using one of his 1000+ “tits and gore” scripts that he shit out in a day. Adapt it to the stage.
- “Love this theater! Employees were super nice and dressed to impress! Popcorn was delicious and prices were amazing! Have been coming here for a while and my only complaint is no lemonade, kids ask about it every time we go, probably would sell better than fruit punch!!”
Well, he’s not wrong. Lemonade beats fruit punch every time. But how stupid are his kids? How many times do they need to be told that there’s no lemonade?
I’m surprised that they’re selling any kind of homemade beverages. They’re presumably from those machines. Presumably higher profit margins than bottled drinks.
- “Great place to take the family for an affordable price and friendly service. Where else can you see a movie and enjoy some snacks and soda for under $10. Love having a small theatre in our neighborhood”
How much is the candy? What sort of selection do they have? Can I get Sno-Caps? Do they even still make Sno-Caps? I only ever saw them in cinemas.
Oh yeah. They are still sold.
Let’s see if there’s a picture of the concession stand. Oh yeah. Here’s one from nine years ago.
Not sure if that link will work.
Appears to be a limited selection. I can’t make out any brands. Maybe Kit Kats? Kit Kats are shit.
What about selling beer at the premises? You can apparently do that now. Newt told a story about having a beer at some cinema.
What about hard liquor? Is that allowed? You’d need a licence, presumably. I don’t know how much those cost.
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Mike Matei Talking about Hate Blogs
So he’s drawing various video game and cartoon and Star Trek characters for the nerds in his chat using Mario Paint.
5:06:00 – He doesn’t know what some video game character looks like, a character that might not even exist. Then he puts on a nerd voice and says, “‘Actually, technically, Mike, baby (something) was in MegaMan X7.’ That will be a comment I get later. Sorry, I didn’t know. ‘How could you not know? I thought you liked video games.’ I don’t know. I guess you’re right. I’m a fraud. ‘I knew it. I will create a hate blog against you.’ That’s fine. Wouldn’t be the first.”
He’s clearly referencing the blog and my rightful criticisms of Erin. In fact, Erin was in this video briefly and she demonstrated her clear lack of knowledge about video games. Let’s see if I can find it.
1:19:00 – Mike: Here we’ve got Sonic the Hedgehog, my favourite video game character. Isn’t that right, Erin?
Erin: What?
Mike: That Sonice the Hedgehog is my favourite video game character.
Erin: Oh, yeah. Definitely. Your favourite. You know so much about him and care about him.
Mike: Love him.
Erin: What about Amy Rose?
Mike: I…wish I knew what that was.
Erin: Oh well. I’m sure the chat will tell you.
Then she just runs off to cry in the bathtub. She CLEARLY didn’t know. She just brought up this obscure character who nobody knows about, totally unaware that it’s an obscure character because she knows nothing about video games, she only knows about the character because she’s pink and a horntard told her about it, and then when asked to give more information about it, instead of admitting any of this, she gives a terrible excuse and runs off.
Mike knows full well that Erin is a fraud. Mike is an avid reader of the blog. I’m sure that it’s a regular topic at the Matei home over dinner when Erin is serving her famous slow cooker lentil soup. He makes vague references to the blog, often along these same lines where he talks about “fake gamers” on a not-infrequent basis. And also in this stream, he mentioned “the Richard Karn era of Family Feud” which is something I discussed not too long ago in an article about Erin.
But what I find interesting is that quite possibly NOBODY in that chat is even aware of the blog. So when Mike or Erin or Destiny Fomo or Newt or Tony from the Hack the Movies would make vague or even explicit references to the blog, they’re doing so to an audience that has NO IDEA what they’re talking about. The blog is only a big deal to the people who I’m writing about.
It might be analagous to a band having a small fan club that’s run by one person. MAYBE the band would become aware of the fan club, briefly check it out, and then move on with their lives. But do you think that the band would give a shit about this little fan club? They’re going to mention them during interviews? Nobody would know what they were talking about.
I don’t recall Chris BORES ever mentioning the Irate Gamer Sucks blog, which was similar to my blog and where I drew inspiration. Judging by the number of comments, the blog was probably about as popular (or unpopular) as the Gamer Girls blog. I get like 30 unique visitors a day. When I wrote regularly, I’d get like 100. These aren’t big numbers. And a lot of these hits are from the people who I’m writing about. I can’t see IP addresses any more because I’m using a different counter but back when I could, A LOT of the hits were coming from rural Pennsylvania and New Jersey. Newt Wallen country. Mike Matei country. Screenwave Media country. John Riggs was also a regular viewer.
I just find it interesting that a blog can have so little impact on the people at large but such a big impact on the subjects about whom I’m writing about. I should have been writing about some big time celebrities instead. I wonder what would have happened if I was writing about Scary Spice or something instead. Maybe she would have found the blog, found it flattering, and we could have started going out. She married a barber not long ago so she’s not limiting herself to big time celebrities.
Or maybe I could have written hundreds of articles on the mother from Alf. Is she still alive? Anne Schedeen. Yes. Seventy-six years old. Maybe she could have answered some questions I had about her tv husband smoking crack with homeless black guys. Maybe I could have been her date to some Hollywood gala. Oh wait, she hasn’t worked in over twenty years. And she’s married.
Actually, maybe those scenarios aren’t too far-fetched. I picked celebrities in the twillight years of their fame for my examples. Surely, a big time current celebrity wouldn’t bother. But I suppose that I can see a Z-list celebrity, who nobody is writing about, taking an interest in the blog.
I bet that Newt is refreshing the page multiple times a day. “Did he write about my latest prostitute…I mean friend?”
Do you suppose that Pam aka CannotBeEntertaining, Pelvic Gamer, and Retro Ali are disappointed that I’m not writing about them any more? Checking out Retro Ali’s Twitter, it’s FULL of messages talking about how many naps she takes and how she doesn’t have the “energy” to stream today. The whole thing screams depression. Presumably unrelated. Not a single mention of her job at Disney World. Maybe she’s not working any more.
Oh wait. Here’s one.
She must be on the same “workout” plan that PVC Bondage Guy is on.
It’s kind of weird that Mickey’s face became peach-coloured with the transition to colour. Like a white person’s skin tone. When he was just black and white it seemed more normal, like he was a cartoon character. But why does Mickey, a mouse, have a person’s skin tone? Goofy is the same as are a lot of the characters. The coding is clear that these are supposed to be caucasian characters. But why give animals, even anthropomorphic ones, racial characteristics like this?
You couldn’t say which race Donald Duck is, for example. The question doesn’t make sense in relation to Donald Duck. He’s a duck. But with Mickey Mouse, it’s clear. That’s a mouse of European descent.
Anyway, stay the course, Mike. As an avid reader of the blog, I’m sure you’re fully aware of my enjoyment of your work and my deep sympathy for the quagmire you find yourself in with fucking Zombie Gums.
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Prosti-Newt
I was inspired by the Idea Man’s love of coming up with a bad pun and then creating a shitty script around that pun that he shits out in a day. So…this is my Prosti-Newt article. I hope to turn it into a video game or a comic book or a movie some day.
He goes to McDonalds to get a couple of Happy Meals. It’s never explained why he got two, or if it is, I didn’t get it. I guess that I have to watch this again. I already watched it once and he does his usual creep shit.
0:45 – “I have a connection to Hello Kitty.”
And then he talks about his “exotic dancer” “friend” Latia (or something). He’s at pains to tell you that she was Korean, black, and Cherokee. He knew this “friend” when he worked at the comic book store, which must have been 20 years ago. But Latia liked Hello Kitty so now whenever he thinks of Hello Kitty, he thinks about all of the sexy time that he had with this prostitute “friend” of his.
Why does everything have to be creepy with this guy? He could have even just told the story minus the “exotic dancer” part. What did that add to the story? But he wants people to think that he’s some big stud who’s fucking all of these hot chicks. Like Horseface. Never mind the fact that these are prostitutes and he’s paying them.
2:15 – Newt just starts talking about how, “We’re slipping into authoritarianism” out of nowhere. He’s talking about Happy Meals, and how he’s going to give one of the toys to one of his employees, probably in a creepy fashion, and then he starts with this anti-Trump shit.
His Twitter has been FULL of absolutely bizarre shit about Trump for the past couple of months at least. He seems to have abandoned his death toll tweets in favour of Trump shit.
The man won two elections. If you don’t like it, leave.
It’s not like this is a new phenomenon in the US. People talk about 1980 as the turning point, when Reagan was elected. He strengthened corporate control of the country. Wages went down. Unemployment went up. But this was already all going on for at least ten years by then. The groundwork was already in place by the time Reagan was elected.
You can look at the Powel Memorandum of 1971 which attacked perceived “communism” and set the blueprint for the corporate takeover of America for an example. Widely read, widely distributed, and people in power put these deplorable principles into reality.
But was the US ever some bastion of freedom? The country was founded by religious extremists who wanted to create a country so regimented and devoid of independent thought that it would make the Taliban blush. These nutjobs were “persecuted” for perfectly valid reasons.
Then you add to the mix that the country was built on slavery and genocide of the native people. This sounds “progressive” to you? It’s a nation of gun-loving cowards who “won” their country by taking it from Stone Age savages. America has never fought a war against an enemy of equal or greater strength. They’ve never been at risk of invasion.
They didn’t even enter World War II until it was obvious what the result was going to be. There were plans in place on how to deal with a Europe ruled by Germany. The US government was perfectly content to deal with a victorious Germany. Many probably preferred it.
As far as gun violence, that’s been on the rise since the Civil War. Human life was never valued in the US in terms of non-white folk but the Civil War showed that even white people were disposable. Other white Americans. And with the growing industrialisation and urbanisation, coupled with a history of glorifying brutality, the US became a breeding ground for violence.
Look at the degenerate popular culture that arose from such a society. Decades of radio shows, movies, television, and books all glorifying the violence of the Old West.
Take a look at what Newt himself does with his spare time. Dreams of making shit “tits and gore” movies. Do you think that people from healthy countries are doing that? “I’m going to make a movie full of disgusting, graphic violence where prostitutes are getting their entrails ripped out of them.” This is the direct result of a deeply degenerate society.
And none of this is new. None of this started with Trump. Trump is a piece of shit, sure, but he’s from a country that’s ALWAYS been shit. Despite the kings and queens and all of that gay shit, Western Europe has always been a better place to live than the US for the average person.
There’s been a marked increase in the attack on the working class in the US since the 1970s. There’s been open and brazen class warfare since then. The wealth has been redistributed upwards at increasing levels every year since the 1970s. Newt had his entire life to do something about it.
But Newt, being the fucking retard he is, just wakes up one day and says, “Hey, what’s the deal with this Trump guy? He sure is a jerk, isn’t he? If we’d just get rid of him, all of our problems would be solved.”
No. Newt’s solution to the very real corporate takeover of America is to sit in his car eating Happy Meals and hang out with fucking whores who he puts in his non-existent shitty “tits and gore” movies.
Newt is part of the fucking problem. Doesn’t he get it? Newt is what’s wrong with America. A no talent, delusional retard openly trying to lower the level of discourse with his no-brow “movies” that fortunately never get made. He glorifies prositutes. He glorifies violence. And then he says, “What’s the deal with all of this fascism?”
Fucking drowning in medical debt and student loan debt too. What does it take for him to wake up to the systemic problems in America as opposed to blaming it all on one guy?
Back to this mindless video about consumerism, prostitution, and the lack of any mental health care in America.
3:30 – He shows the tiny portions in Happy Meals. Well, it is shocking. You can almost count the number of fries in that thing. Maybe…ten? Fifteen? Another example of corporate greed. But don’t expect such an analysis from the self-proclaimed Ideas Man. His ideas all involve breasts and violence.
4:45 – Then Newt says that even though he’s trying to lose weight for this “movie” that he claims he’s going to be in, which will involve him being nude, he’s going to eat the chicken nuggets. Did that “diet” of his ever even start? You can even see in this video that he has a double chin. How the fuck is he going to lose the 50+ pounds that he needs to lose in the next four or five months? This guy seems to be spending a lot of time in his car eating fast food. Where are the videos where he’s out walking around rural Pennsylvania?
5:30 – Then he starts talking about a man standing outside of his window staring at him. But here’s the great thing about Newt, the long-time “Youtuber” and film-maker extraordinaire: HE DOESN’T SHOW THE GUY. He doesn’t even include any of the audio. There was apparently some big incident with this guy banging on the windows and shit. We get NONE of it.
Newt claims that an employee says that this is a local crazy person who hangs out in the parking lot. None of this is in the video. Newt had an opportunity to have something MILDLY interesting in his video for a change but he decided not to show any of it. I don’t even think that he recorded any of it. He seems to be turning the camera OFF when this crazy guy shows up. What is he doing?
So that’s the video. It’s shit. He promises a run in with a crazy person but none of it is shown. The only crazy person we get is fucking boring ass Newt Wallen.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gtrr3hFAA_s
There’s a video with PVC Bondage Guy. I’m not watching it but she’s clearly not losing any weight.
Oh, Newt has a new prostitute “friend.”
0:00 – Newt: All right. Who are you?
Alex: Hi. I’m Alex. I don’t know. I can’t.
Newt: Are you an elderly prostitute who I pay to hang out with me?
I can’t believe that Newt uses this blog to try to pick up chicks. How could it possibly work? “There’s a guy with a little-known blog who writes about what a huge asshole I am. You should check it out. I’m a real celebrity.”
She doesn’t even deny being a prostitute.
And why is this taking place in a car again? Film a video at the gym. This woman could stand to lose some weight too.
5:00 – I’m five minutes in and Newt is just boring this woman and the audience about the fucking history of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Who gives a shit? That woman is earning whatever Newt is paying her. But I’m skipping ahead.
I can’t. He’s talking a lot but not saying anything worth listening to.
There was a comment about a muse…where was that?
Oh, it was in the McDonalds video.
- “And there you were saying you have no inspiration or muse. The world is clearly attempting to throw whatever it can your way to spark you, dude. ‘Merica can be a wiggity-wack place…”
Oh. That actually wasn’t worth looking for.
Here’s another video with this prostitute.
6:15 – “Fox News tells me that the Russians are the good guys.”
More anti-Trump shit from out of nowhere.
Here’s the video description:
“A movie with Dinosaurs in Nam should be awesome. but allas”
Can’t even spell “alas”. Unbelievable. A product of the American public school system. It’s by design. And Newt is too stupid to even be outraged by it.
So that’s what Newt has been doing with his time since I last wrote about him. He actually stopped speaking to his father because he voted for Trump. What fucking difference does it make? Who was the candidate who was going to do anything but maintain and stengthen the dictatorship of the capitalists?
Newt’s father voting for Trump just illustrates that his father is easily duped just like Newt is. They’re a couple of retards. What do you expect? But you shouldn’t stop speaking to him over this. Anyone voting for Trump should be pitied for being the easily-mislead fool that they are. Similarly, anyone voting for whoever the Democrats are wheeling out should be pitied. It’s all a sham. The country is run by corporations.
Democracy, in fact, is always inventing class distinctions, despite its theoretical abhorrence of them. The baron has departed, but in his place stand the grand goblin, the supreme worthy archon, the sovereign grand commander. Democratic man is quite unable to think of himself as a free individual; he must belong to a group, or shake with fear and loneliness and the group, of course, must have its leaders.
– H L Mencken
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Erin’s Fake Interest of the Week
She re-tweeted this. Presumably, she thinks that this is somehow applicable to herself. WHAT information? If it’s not colours, she doesn’t know anything.
But that’s not what I’m here for. It’s this “MOTU” post that caught my eye.
She’s a big “MOTU” fan, guys. Or, as anyone old enough to see the cartoon calls it, He-Man.
Where the fuck did “MOTU” come from? I know it’s a term used by nerds on the internet and Erin is just aping it trying to fool retards into thinking that she’s interested in this shit but as a kid, I have never heard anybody say “MOTU” or “Masters of the Universe” when referring to He-Man. Why would they?
So Erin is really jazzed about this “MOTU” game. It’s from Limited Run Games, by the way, a company who I’m pretty sure Erin has run ads for in the past, both up front and discreetly. This is an example of her stealth advertising. She presumably got paid for this. But how much could anybody possibly pay for this? This shitty tweet that nobody is going to read?
Well, some people read it. Her number one fan now that Shishi is dead, Joe from Gamesack replied.
- “Have you tried the PAL-exclusive He-Man game for the PS2? It’s… OK”
Joe…you know that she has not. You know that she’s not interested in video games. Why do you try to perpetuate the scam? You’ve been trying this for years. Has it worked so far? She’s still with Mike, right? When is this master plan of yours to woo Erin away going to start picking up steam?
So Erin says, “Very briefly. I remember being “meh” about it.” Uh huh. “Briefly, on stream, for money,” in other words.
Oh, Super Geoff changed his name. He’s now That Looney Gamer. He describes himself as a “Youtube comedian.” So I went to his channel hoping for some stand up comedy routines or something and…no. Just video game footage. Very disappointing.
But yeah, He-Man. Erin is all about it this week. This children’s toy line for boys from before she was born.
She’s all about shrimp this week. She’s a big seafood fan, guys. Will she gain powers from the radioactive shrimp? Get it? Like Spider-Man? Or…The Incredible Hulk? What other characters got powers from radioactivity? Let me look this up.
Daredevil. Maybe the Fantastic Four, whatever “cosmic rays” are. Phoenix.
God, I haven’t had shrimp since I was a kid. Do they even sell it in the UK? Maybe this is an insane question.
Oh. I see the problem. That’s right, they’re called “prawns” here. That’s why they were always off my radar. I knew they were called prawns but I just never really thought too deeply about the connection. But yeah, they’re sold here. In DISGUSTING sandwich form.
Go to any of these shitty sandwich shops or any grocery store and you’ll find cold prawn sandwiches in the refrigerated aisle. They’re horrible, over-priced sandwiches with tiny pink shrimp in them slathered in mayonaise between two cold, soggy slices of bread. Who’s eating this? Somebody must be, they’re fucking everywhere.
I didn’t even know that shrimp look like this, that’s why I never really made the connection. I’m only familiar with the large, breaded, deep-fried variety sold in the US.
But yeah, you can get prawn salad, prawn crisps, prawn crackers. I’ve never eaten any of that shit. Prawn baked potatoes. Oh, fucking prawn fried rice. That’s horrible. I always pick the prawns out when I get the fried rice that has a combination of beef, chicken, pork, and prawns. Prawn curry is also sold.
But deep fried prawns? I don’t think it exists in the UK. I’ve never seen it and I didn’t see it in a quick search of some food delivery company.
It’s fucking gross, though. I wouldn’t eat it even if it was available. Any food that requires a “de-veiner” is not for me. Same reason I don’t eat fried chicken. If there’s even a chance of a vein, forget it.
So He-Man. Or “MOTU” as the big time He-Man afficianados like Erin call it. I didn’t have any. Except for…well, I think that I had two, now that I think of it.
Yeah, I had King Hiss and…Hordak. King Hiss was such a crappy figure. There was a shitty plastic overlay on him that looked like a lifeless human that you’d remove to reveal his tiny snake body interior. I wonder why I even had those two figures. He-Man wasn’t something that I collected.
They were just in my miscellaneous figures drawer. He’d fight the Ghostbusters figures (which were SHIT) and my generic ninja figures and shit like that. Things in a similar scale. Cowboy Curtis too. Later, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles joined in.
Ghostbusters had to be the worst toy line ever produced. At least as far as I’m concerned. I just wanted normal figures with a proton pack but I guess that I got into the line too late. So I had Ghostbusters that had weapons that were designed to capture only the specific shitty ghost that came with the figure. So Egon had a clamp-type weapon that worked great with his shitty ghost that had a long neck but was useless for anything else. And the characters would make a dumb “scared” expression when you squeezed their arm.
I didn’t want that gimmick shit. But the entire line was gimmicks. The monsters were all gimmicks. The only sub-series that I liked at all was the classic monsters line but even those had gimmicks. You’d squeeze their legs together and they’d do some stupid action. The mummy’s action was the worst. His fucking arm and headwrapping would fall off. Who wants this? Who wants to play with this fragile as fuck character?
He-Man had a lot of gimmick characters too. King Hiss was terrible gimmick. But then there was also that suction cup mouth character. There was “battle damage” He-Man and Skelator that came later in the line. There was the moss character, although that perhaps wasn’t a gimmick so much and was kind of cool. Wasn’t there a character or characters who sprayed water out of their mouth? That’s never fun and just ruins the figure. Oh, and fucking Orco that was like a little car that used that plastic zip tie thing. Who wants that?
I’d love to hear Erin’s experience with “MOTU”. She made that video where she unboxed a bunch of “MOTU” figures that she bought with Mike’s money for the purposes of the video but then we never heard about it again.
That was four years ago. Where does the time go? And she just talked about colours, of course.
That was over five years ago. I wonder why she didn’t say, “Top Ten MOTU Games.”
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Crystal Quin’s IMDB Page
https://www.imdb.com/name/nm4155508
She proudly advertises this on her Twitter via some link-listing page.
So let’s check out her credits.
Seriously? This is all Newt Wallen shit. The fact that she advertises this “career” of hers is only going to encourage him. Is that what she wants? This crazy guy who can’t get over losing his “muse” like…five years after everything went down with the plagiarism? When was that anyway? Was it as long as five years?
Fucking Reddit doesn’t give you the date anyone posted anything. That’s insane. Oh. You have to hover your mouse over the “posted 4 years ago” or whatever thing. Ridiculous. So it was October 2021. We’re coming up on four years.
2012 seemed to be her debut. Four Fists of Judgement. A short film. Presumably a student project. Actually, Newt isn’t credited anywhere on this one.
Oh, it’s actually available on Youtube. I didn’t think I’d be able to find it at all.
294 views after TEN YEARS. This is a real hidden gem.
She’s credited as “Crystal Cowling” for some reason.
As much as I don’t want to watch this, I almost feel obligated. 294 views after a decade on Youtube.
It starts with some black and white or sephia or something montage about…something. There’s a gun involved. Horseface gives a really phony-looking slap to some guy. Then it’s just two bald guys fighting for some reason.
I can think of a lot of things I’d rather be doing than this.
3:15 – So after the fight scene, one of the bald guys is now in a…room of some description.
Oh, Horseface is in the bed. Things are about to take a turn to horror, I guess.
I can’t even understand what she’s saying.
Then after some single-entendres that don’t even make sense, the guy says “you never were good with words.” Well, whoever wrote this is self-aware of their own lousy writing, at least.
Then they try to have sex but their clothes are on, which obviously leads to failure.
Then Horseface delivers the world’s worst kick.
Say what you will about the first fight scene, the guys obviously had some familiarity with martial arts. Horseface…total novice.
So she kicked him out of the door of this hotel room or whatever and he lands in the pool. HOW CLOSE WAS THE POOL TO THE DOOR? It’s ridiculous. You step out of the door and you’re immediately in the pool?
The guy comes out of the pool and Horseface is waiting for him.
4:15 – Then some really, REALLY bad fighting from Horseface. This is pretty comical. Unintentionally, of course.
Instead of wrestling, she should take some tae kwon do classes or something.
Then the guy kicks her into the pool and…she drowns, I guess. Not sure why.
5:00 – So now the bald guy is fighting the third “fist” or whatever this is. These people are credited as “First One” through to “Fist Four.” So this is Fist Three, a black guy. They’re just suddenly fighting for some reason.
Fist three is using two mini-garbage can lids as weapons. No idea why, of course.
Oh, they’re weights.
Well, I’ve never seen a fight scene involving weights. For good reason. It makes no fucking sense.
So after the bald guy makes short work of Fist Three, we’re plunged in darkness as the bald guy struggles, along with the audience, to make sense of any of this.
Naturally, Fist Four enters and makes his displeasure with the bald guy known via the traditional method of badly choreographed fighting.
Oh, and Fist Four has those ninja scythes or whatever.
Then Fist Four just disappears. I don’t even think that the bald guy beat him. I didn’t see any big finishing move. Fist Four just disappears seemingly mid-fight.
So the bald guy stumbles away and you get “The End” on screen.
Well, that was anti-climactic. You built this story up so much and then…nothing. The characters were so developed. I was really invested in the bald guy and his quest for beating random people up.
This was all the work of Doug Seidel, one of God’s Chosen People. His last video was two years ago. This is his channel, by the way. But this latest video is just as bad as this “fists” bullshit.
Most recently, according to his IMDB, he was a “gaffer” for a music video. Whatever that is. Something to do with lighting. He was also an “actor” in this video, so I suspect this just some local bullshit from somebody who he’s associated with.
So that was Horseface’s uninspired debut. But Newt must have seen potential in her. Because her next video was some Taylor Swift parody video that Justin Silverman was involved with and I have to assume Newt as well, although uncredited. I’ve seen this before, I think, and can’t bring myself to watch it again. Just take my word for it that’s shit.
She’s also credited for one episode of Silvermania, Justin’s Youtube channel.
Some more shorts.
In 2016, she was in Midnight Show, Newt’s project that he’s talked about for years and I don’t believe has ever been released. And Newt isn’t even credited anywhere on IMDB for this.
It says it was released in 2016 but I can only find a trailer and it’s connected to Underbelly, Justin’s “show” on his channel. Or something.
Newt has said before that he’s been editing Midnight Show to take Horseface out of the movie and hopes to release it soon. He’s been saying this for YEARS. So this must be his project. Why is he not credited anywhere?
Maybe they’ll release is 2026 for the tenth anniversary of the so-called “release.”
Horseface was also on four episodes of Underbelly. They claim that this is a tv show but…I’m pretty sure it’s just Justin Silverman’s “series” on his defunct Youtube channel.
She was in something called “Portal”, which is a series of horror shorts that nobody has seen and possibly has never been released.
“Hold It”, another short that nobody has ever seen.
Swamp Zombies 2. Is Newt credited here at least? Oh, he is.
Oh, and Mel Heflin aka Mel Heifer, the “star” of the upcoming movie that Newt will allegedly have a nude scene in was also in Swamp Zombies 2.
That was in 2018. Then she did nothing from 2018 to 2021 when she made her long-awaited return to the big screen in…a Rex Viper video.
Oh wait. No, she was also in three episodes of Cinema Insomnia with Mr Lobo. They call it a “tv show” but once again, it’s just the guy’s fucking Youtube channel. And these videos get 200 views.
And then Horseface’s latest credit is in Bigfoot Exorcist in 2024. Newt gets writer and director credit along with Donald Farmer. And Horseface’s role was “1st Victim.”
She actually advertises this IMDB page. It’s just a series of Youtube videos that she’s done and a couple of zero budget Newt Wallen productions.
Why aren’t her Hack the Movies appearances listed here? What constitutes something that can be credited as an acting role? The bar seems to be extremely low.
Maybe Horseface should start doing some theatre work. There’s surely some community theatre near her full of equally deluded and obnoxious “actors.” She’d fit right in. She’s also be able to hone her craft, something that she’s in desperate need of.
I don’t think that Horseface ever said where she moved to but Newt lives in East Greenville, Pennsylvania, I believe. What’s the nearest amateur theatre group?
Well, there’s DCP Theatre in some tiny town nearby. Glowing reviews on Google. They talk about how they’re all amateurs and they hold open auditions.
A Rock Sails By is their next production. It’s about a UFO and a journalist. Eugh. I hope it’s deeper than that.
If Newt got involved in this shit, it would be good for two reasons. 1) He’d have a pool of new talent who he can woo away with promises of PAID work, however small the pay may be. 2) Maybe he can license some of his 1000+ scripts to these people for an upcoming production. Assuming that they like horribly-written “tits and gore” scripts, anyway.
Whatever happened to Newt’s fucking…what’s that shitty movie that he plagiarised verbatim? Plan 9 from Outer Space. He was going to do a puppet version. He had a guy make the puppets and everything. And then…it’s just gone like all of his other projects. It was way too ambitious for Newt. What the fuck does he know about working with puppets? He’s Jim Henson all of a sudden?
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Newt Wallen is Still a Giant Asshole
I thought that I’d give a Newt update.
So we’ve got an IDEA from the Ideas Man. Go to a restaurant. Or multiple restaurants, apparently. Order some food. Say that it’s your dog’s favourite meal and that you have to put him down tomorrow. And then…maybe you’ll get some free stuff. Then eat in the car.
There are a few holes in this plan but let’s start with the basis premise. Who feeds their dog food from a restaurant? “I’d like the Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘n Fruity for my dog, please.” Nobody does this. And if there was somebody who did this, the employee would surely know who you are because everybody would say, “There’s that crazy man who orders food for his dog” every time you enter the restaurant.
Now let’s look at the payoff. When I originally read this, I thought that he was angling for a free meal. No. He just wants free…spring rolls or something. A two dollar value. So you’re going to order a $20 meal, embarrass yourself by saying that it’s for your pet, in the HOPE of getting a cheap item thrown in for free. Whether you’re successful or not, you’re out twenty bucks.
None of this makes sense. But it’s giant scumbag behaviour. BAFFLING giant scumbag behaviour. Even the retards in the comments tell him not to do it.
- “please don’t actually do that.”
Newt is the worst person I’ve ever known and I’m beginning to understand why. He actually puts work into it. This doesn’t come naturally. He sits down and PLANS it. “How can I be bigger asshole today than I was yesterday? Oh, I know…what if I went to a restaurant and…”
And the ideas are all stupid. Because he’s stupid. But this is all the result of effort. The effort of a retarded man.
Here’s another scheme to be a giant asshole. He’s been bragging about this nude scene he’s apparently going to do for some homosexual zero budget “movie.” He’s got his diet and exercise plan all worked out. He’s not ACTUALLY dieting and exercising, but he has the plan.
Newt, this isn’t challenging. Eat less. That’s it. You’re done.
And he needs more than six months for this. He had some kimono video where he inexplicably flashed the camera and he needs to lose A LOT of weight.
He should be exercising with PVC Bondage Guy. She was in a video recently and she doesn’t seem to be getting any slimmer. She’s been “bulking” forever.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWMrvNQO_6c
I won’t embed it because Newt has a disgusting thumbnail. But he starts the video by saying that a recent video of his was removed.
“Our Barbarian video was flagged and taken down by Youtube because the people who are occasionally on this show that I used to be on flagged it as anti-trans hate speech, considering that my co-host is a transperson.”
He always trots this out. WHAT is “trans” about PVC Bondage Guy? She looks like a woman. She sounds like a woman. She dresses like a (crazy) woman. WHAT’S MASCULINE ABOUT HER?
I guarantee that if PVC Bondage Guy had surgery done or was taking testosterone or was even dressing like a guy, Newt would be out of there. But he constantly uses PVC Bondage Guy as a crutch for his idiotic “trans” half-jokes. “Hey, this crazy woman says that she’s a man so that gives me free reign to say whatever I want.” Youtube apparently disagrees.
How many of his videos have been taken down? I thought that Youtube was stricter than this. Three videos taken down in…a year or two and they take your channel down. I don’t advocate for people getting their channels taken down but in Newt’s case, I wouldn’t mind.
So let’s look up this so-called “novel” Bigboobenstein.
Apparently, there were a trilogy of “novels” plus some short stories, none of which anybody read.
He wrote his own “biography” section.
“Hi. I’m Jeff. On January 1st, 2013 I woke up and realized that the Mayan doomsday prophecy didn’t quite pan out. So with that clean slate and a new lease on life, I decided it was high time I scratch another item off the bucket list and self-publish a book. That book was The Halloween Orgy Massacre. Since then I’ve self-published like 30 books or something in a variety of genres, but my true love is schlocky horror full of gratuitous sex, sophomoric humor, and campy violence. Beyond the writing, I play bass and sing for a band called MEAT, and live in New Hampshire with my wife and our adorable cat Stella.”
I don’t even need to comment. The sadness is evident.
75 reviews.
- “I received a paperback version of the book from the author because he is awesome and I am fabulous. Ohhh, and for review purposes, of course.”
Is that what this is? These are all reviews from people who were given the book for free?
A lot of these reviews seem to be written in the same style as well.
Let’s check Goodreads.
Oh, some of the exact same reviews. I don’t know if they automatically include Amazon reviews or they’re just copy and pasting the reviews.
The author gives his “review” too.
This is not really a review of my own book. In fact, it’s not a review at all. What I’m doing is telling the story of how what I believe to be my greatest creation came to be.
Within weeks before the release of this book, my ex-wife and I visited a psychic in Salem, Massachusetts. This is something we have often done, merely for shits and giggles. We had visited several before, and we had walked away every time laughing at how absurdly -and obviously- phony they all were. But then there was this lady. She didn’t do any awful cold-reads. She didn’t say my dead grandfather whose first name begins with J was standing behind me. She cut right to the heart of the matter and told me of very specific illnesses suffered by very specific members of my family. For someone who knows nothing about me short of my name to say your “blank” suffers from “blank”, and to have the knowledge be accurate, is a tad chilling. After a few more equally chilling and frighteningly specific acts of what I guess I’d call clairvoyance, she told me not to stop writing because my next book, and her exact words were, would “be the one that does it for you.” And nearly two years later, she was right about that too. Yes, the sales have been modest by any standards. But it has sold more copies than all the rest of my eleven books combined, and somehow continues to garner interest, unlike the others which have either plateaued or merely become forgotten even to myself. Unfortunately she didn’t say it would blast me into super-stardom, or even afford me an early retirement from cutting meat, but her words have thus far held true.And it goes on. And on. And on. And then on some more. And then he continues. And then he has more stuff to say. And NONE of it is even REMOTELY interesting. But this guy LOVES his own shitty prose.
At least we know that none of this shit is selling. So why keep doing it? Why keep doing the same shit that nobody is buying? “Okay, my last 29 books that were ‘intentionally’ bad tits and gore shit didn’t do so well. So THIS time I’m going to…do the exact same thing.”
Why not try something different? Write a book about the singularity. A good one this time. Enough witht he “ironically” bad shit.
Because this is all that he can do. He knows that he can’t write so he writes “ironically” bad shit. And he gets NOTHING for his “efforts.”
He wrote this book in FOUR DAYS. I’m sure that it shows.
This is all the same exact formula that Newt has but about books instead of shitty “movies” that never go anywhere.
There aren’t any 1 star reviews so you know this is all made up bullshit. The only 2 star review is just some crazy guy’s rant against Trump.
Here’s the “star” of this movie that’s never going to get made.
A thoroughly unimpressive fat chick who in some of the pictures I thought, “Am I even looking at a woman here?”
It’s unbelievable. THIS woman wants you to pay for her OnlyFans.
And she has FOOD on her Amazon Wishlist. I’d like to see her go all out on this. Really own it. Instead of this dried fruit, just have cases of Fritos and tubs of Red Vines and beef jerky sold by the pound.
So we can all look forward to this big, fat chick and big, fat Newt naked in this horrible “movie” based on a horrible “book” that was written in four days. Who’s the market for any of this? There doesn’t seem to be one. These are strictly vanity projects where…I mean…even the author of the book says that he’s forgotten about a lot of his books. There are probably books that he’s “published” that literally nobody has read, NOT EVEN HIM. Complete waste of time.