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  • Garbage Pail Kids – NES Nintendo Video Game Review – Irate Gamer

    His previous video on NES porn games got demonitised. Allegedly. So he’s not uploading part two of that NES porn games thing. It’s Patreon only, boys. Hurry up and subscribe to this hot Chris BORES action.

    Good luck with that, Chris BORES.

    So instead, we’re getting this hastily-thrown together Garbage Pail Kids shit.

    0:15 – “If there’s one thing I’ve always loved as a kid, it was Garbage Pail Kids.”

    Oh sure. He was a real Garbage Pail Kids fan. He was all about them. So much so that he’s not mentioned them once.

    I mean, I don’t expect an adult to be discussing Garbage Pail Kids, but he’s suggesting that he loved Garbage Pail Kids more than anything else. So why hasn’t he mentioned it before?

    They were popular for maybe a year? I don’t know. Two years. I liked them. I had a bunch of first series cards. I was trying to get them all. I even used the little checklist that came on the back of one of the cards, marking them off. But I didn’t get them all. And then series two came out and…fuck. I lost interest. I was trying to get all of series one and now it will never happen.

    I dipped in and out after the first series. My series one cards weren’t in mint condition because I’d look at them a lot. I didn’t use them as stickers but the corners would get bent or frayed or whatever because I’d look at them so much. But then when I found out that they’re worth some money, I started taking care of them better. I think that I put them in binders. By then the damage was done but at least the subsequent series were in better condition. The subsequent series that aren’t worth anything.

    How did I even know that they’re worth money? This was like 1985, I guess. No internet. There were no price guides for these. Maybe it was just a rumour.

    I also had a few big cards. They were like four times the size of a standard card. They came three to a pack or maybe just one to a pack. Surely, those are more rare than the normal cards.

    I also had some little like Muscle Men figures. “Cheap Toys” I think they were called. Those are worth like fifty bucks each now, apparently.

    But as for the normal cards, there were some cool ones. I like Joltin’ Joe aka Mean Gene the best. He was a military guy throwing a bunch of dynamite. Those were the best ones. Just regular fucking Cabbage Patch Dolls as something slightly wacky. It was something you could imagine being an actual doll that could be sold.

    But by the later series, it just got disgusting. Every single card was somebody with serious mucus problems. I don’t want to see this. Even as a kid, I didn’t want to see that. So I stopped buying the fucking cards. What do I need to see Take Out Dinah eating her own mucus with chopsticks? It’s stupid.

    0:30 – Chris BORES was “always” confused that Garbage Pail Kids never got a video game. You know, because they had a movie (that nobody saw) and cartoon series (that even fewer people saw) and of course the cards. I never even heard of the cartoon series. And the movie is well known for being shit.

    It’s not a property that lends itself to video games or movies or…anything. Who wants to play a mucus-based game? Boogerman is roundly condemned as rotten.

    Chris BORES is a wearing a tie for some reason. I guess because Blasted Billy aka Adam Bomb wore one. But he had the tie already tied when he put it on. And looking at it, I’m reminded of how I would tie my tie in high school. There was a basic knot that people would use that would result in a crooked knot.

    There was one guy who always kept his tie tied when he took it off because he didn’t know how to tie it.

    It’s crazy that I went to a school where you had to wear ties. Do they still do this? It was part of the uniform .

    Wow. That school still requires that uniform with a tie. And the tuition is four times as much as what I paid for college. Who could possibly afford this? You’re going to spend $50,000 so your kid can go to high school for four years? It’s mostly Mexican too. Even when I went there, it was probably 1/3 Mexican. Where’s the money coming from? No offence but it’s a fucking ghetto.

    5:00 – For the SECOND time in this video, Chris BORES is just rattling off the names of the various enemies in the game. WE GET IT! There are a lot of references to the card series. MOVE ON. Reading lists of names is NOT entertainment. You’re clearly just padding this out.

    5:45 – Chris BORES says that some powerups in the game are a “COCK tease”. He pronounces it really weird. I had to listen to it a few times to understand what he was saying. But yeah, this is just more homosexual material from this faggot. “Boner biting dogs” and whatnot.

    6:45 – Chris BORES constantly complains about a character called Patty Putty.

    What about Patty Plenty? She died a few years ago, didn’t she? She went by Patty Please for a while. I saw an interview of her in some porn video before. Total nut.

    Wow. Patty Plenty isn’t noteworthy enough for Wikipedia? That’s shocking. Have to try Boobpedia then.

    What? According to this, she’s still alive. There’s no way.

    She made a little dancing video last year.

    https://twitter.com/pattyplenty

    And according to Twitter, she’s still “touring”. Who would pay to have sex with a 76 year old woman?

    She’s on OnlyFans too.

    Anyway, good for Patty Plenty. I guess. I mean, is it unreasonable to expect porn stars to retire at 65 like everybody else? Is this something you want to do in your twillight years?

    So yeah, Chris BORES ends the video with some lame as fuck animation, of course.

    • “Love dr bores”

    It’s a reference to his “ghost doctor” title. Pretty funny. He probably got his ghost doctorate from some questionable Caribbean ghost medical school.

    Is he still doing that shit or did he already stop?

    https://ghostdoctorchris.com

    According to the official website, he’s still going. He needs to bring these prices down. In this economy, people can’t afford a hundred bucks to cleanse their home of stage five hauntings. Times are tough, Chris. Show some compassion to those of us afflicted by the undead.

    Oh, and he such a creepy questionaire that you had to fill out. I didn’t talk about it because I planned to pose as a fake client just see what creepy shit I could get him to say but then I decided that I had more important things to do with my time.

    Oh, he’s also selling “tar water” for fifteen bucks. What a bargain. I could always use some tar water.

    Where is this questionaire? Did he get rid of it? He asked you questions about your children’s “promiscuity”. I wish I would have saved it now. If your daughter is a slut, it’s obviously because of ghosts.

    Oh, I found it now. Under the three ghost hunting packages, you have to click “Unsure what to purchase? Click here for help”. Then you get a Google form.

    He wants to know if you’re going through any of the following:

    • Recent Divorce
    • Death in family
    • Your Kids reaching the age of Teenage Adolescence
    • Victim of a Tragic Event

    Just those four things. And all of the weird capitalisation is his. Why does he need to know if you have young teenagers in your house? How is that related to the tragic stuff that he listed?

    “Do you engage in any of these activities?”

    • Ouiji Boards
    • Tarot Cards
    • Newt Age Activities
    • Consuming Alcohol
    • Drugs
    • Promiscuous Activities
    • Voodoo
    • Smoking

    I conflated the two things assuming that Chris BORES wouldn’t be asking adults if they’re behaving promisculously. But he is. He wants to know if you’re out there being naughty with the ladies. Or the fellas.

    Can you fuck your wife or is that considered “promiscuous”? Chris wants all the details. Maybe one day, Chris’ wife will let him fuck her. Until then, he’s still proudly showing his purity ring off to every unaccompanied goth teenager he can find at Disney World.

  • Lemmings (SNES) – Neighbor Nerds – Cinemassacre

    I watched this a couple of days ago for my own “enjoyment”. I like Lemmings. I had the game as a kid for the PC. Maybe a year ago, I downloaded some bootleg version that has all of the levels from all of the games and I think adds shit to it. That was cool but I didn’t get too into it.

    So I’m interested in the subject. That helped. And James and John seem to have some familiarity with the game. James does, at least. I mean…he at least knows what the different abilities do. He didn’t seem to be a pro by any means. So that helped too.

    But I thought, “What’s the point of this?” It’s all heavily edited. It doesn’t seem as badly edited as other recent Neighbor Nerds things but it was still…if you’re not going to show the full gameplay, what’s the point? We’re just supposed to be here for the witty zingers that these two dish out? What witty zingers? James is a corpse.

    You either need the gameplay or some really funny back and forth. This has neither. There’s no hope for witty dialogue with fucking James there so showing the gameplay is the obvious choice.

    “Who wants to watch two hours of these James and John playing Lemmings?” Lunatics. But the people are out there. Why not?

    I seem to recall James & Mike Mondays that were over an hour. Not a problem. Nobody complained. And I watch some of Mike’s multi-hour streams. You just watch as much as you want and then come back to it later. It’s not a big deal. And if you don’t watch the whole thing, that’s fine too. Doesn’t every minute count in terms of how much you get paid?

    Maybe there are long stretches of James not saying anything. But is that even a problem? You don’t have to regale us every second. If people are interested in the game, the gameplay will be enough.

    Speaking of Mike, he was playing Borderlands 2 recently with Bitch Duo. Bitch Duo doesn’t even call himself Duo any more. He was there as “Judith Light”. Mike regularly referred to Bitch Duo using female pronouns. And Bitch Duo was perfectly cool with it.

    Bitch Duo also played with Mike under the guise of “Inspector Gadget” a little while ago and again had no problem being referred to as Inspector Gadget.

    I don’t know why Bitch Duo puts up with this. Who is Bitch Duo anyway? It’s the only person who Mike ever plays with. And Bitch Duo is MUCH better at video games than Mike. He was letting Mike have all of the items in this Borderlands game and he was still completely carrying him.

    Why not play with the horntards? It’s ridiculous. It’s a game that I think let’s you play with a team up to four players. Get three of the whale horntards to play with you as a little bonus for having given you THOUSANDS of dollars over the years. He can’t do it.

    Also baffling is when Mike and Erin will stream together but they’ll switch off instead of playing together at the same time. The chat is screaming at them to play together but they don’t do it. I get that Erin sucks at video games but Mike just has to tone it down a little. He doesn’t have to completely crush her. Pretend that you’re playing against a little kid. Or he can completely crush her. That works too. I mean, who gives a shit? You’re hardly exposing Erin as a being shit at video games. People already know. They don’t care.

    This is also something that James and John can do. They did that with this Lemmings video. There’s a two player mode which they’ve acknowledged that few people know about. There are probably loads of similar games from the 8 and 16 bit era. Games that had two player mods that few people actually played in two player mode.

    Game Boy games would be great for this. How many people used the link cable? Fucking nobody. But there are probably loads of cool two player modes in Game Boy games.

  • The Last Game Boy Color Games – Erin Plays

    The triumphant return of Erin Plays. After three entire months, THIS is what she comes up with? This stale as fuck bullshit where she “reviews” the last games that came out on a console? This idea that she blatantly stole from JOHN RIGGS?

    She’s totally checked out. Why even bother any more? It’s been years since she put any effort at all into anything. What’s the point of putting the videos out any more? She’s not making money from this. She doesn’t need the money. She’s leeching off of Mike. She must know that she’s not going to become famous from this shit. So why continue?

    0:00 – “When I got the purple Game Boy Color and Super Mario Bros Deluxe for Christmas…”

    First of all, nobody gives a fuck what hue your fucking fictional Game Boy Color was. Why does she insist on including these stupid fucking details about colours? This isn’t fucking Seasame Street. We all know the colours.

    She’s never mentioned having a Game Boy Color before. Not once. So let’s think about this.

    It came out in late 1998. Erin aka Cykill1986 was born in 1987. Allegedly.

    Unlikely that she got it on launch. So let’s say she got it the following year in 1999. Erin would have been 12 years old.

    I don’t know. It doesn’t strike me as genuine. For somebody who likes video games, that would be a fine age to be given a Game Boy Color. But Erin has no fucking interest in this shit and never has. In Christmas of 1999, Erin was getting clothes, makeup, and a Spice Girls DVD and she was happy with that shit.

    0:15 – “Nintendo was still making games for the Nintendo Color well into 2002.”

    That doesn’t seem like a long time. Last 1998 to 2002? Who gives a shit? Four years? That seems like a SHORTER lifespan for a console than is typical.

    Whatever happened to that Nintendo handheld that was 3d? I was tempted to get one but never bothered. It was all a big fad, right?

    There was 3d television. I think that some of them required glasses and some of them didn’t. Nothing ever came of it.

    What about 3d porn? Is it any good?

    https://new.reddit.com/r/virtualreality/comments/zkdrw7/can_we_talk_about_the_negative_effects_of_vr_porn

    Well, that guy’s REALLY into it. The VR stuff with those nerdy headsets, anyway. Speaking of fads.

    0:45 – Shantae. She played this a few months ago, on stream, for money. What a shock this is.

    Then there’s literally footage of her playing the game on stream, for money. It’s not even disguised.

    1:45 – She talks about other attacks that you get during the game but says, “I didn’t make it far enough in this playthrough.” Why bother playing it for the purposes of this video? That would require a tiny bit of effort. Just show the stream footage.

    2:45 – “All of the sprites and backgrounds are really colourful and cute.”

    Go fuck yourself.

    3:15 – Resident Evil Gaiden.

    4:45 – “I like the zombies in the purple dresses.”

    Take these colours and shove them up your fucking ass.

    5:15 – What the hell kind of footage is this? Is this a stream from before she was living with Mike? She has a plain blue background, she’s sitting in a normal office chair, and I think she has an old school Erin Plays logo. Did she use footage from many years ago for this? It’s unbelievable. She can’t put ANY effort into anything.

    5:45 – Hamtaro.

    6:00 – “The world of Hamtaro is very cute.”

    Who the fuck is watching this? She’s total fucking moron. She can’t talk about anything other than colours and how things are “cute”. This is total fucking shit.

    6:45 – “All in all, it’s an extremely cute game.”

    Yeah. We got that, Erin. It’s cute. What else can you talk about?

    7:00 – Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

    She played it for about three minutes just to get this footage.

    8:45 – Some Dragon Ball game.

    She’s literally just reading from the back of the box and saying that she’s not interested in Dragon Ball.

    She played this one for maybe two minutes.

    That’s the video. What a fucking piece of shit. And she’s even wearing the same fucking jean jacket that she always wears.

    Give us something new, Erin. ANYTHING. We get it. You suck at video games, you’re not interested in that shit, and you like colours and cute things. What else have you got in that empty head of yours? Anything?

    Her entire life is getting fucked in the ass, crying in the bathtub, and doing these awful streams for retards. For $6,000/year.

    • “gotta skip this one cause of HP but good that you’re uploading again”

    HP? What?

    • “You’re a HUGE Inspiration to us, Erin!”

    Uh huh.

    • “I’d love to watch this video, but sadly, I just don’t have the time.”

    Some fucking brainless faggot from TheCinemassacreTruth on Reddit. How embarassing.

    Oh, Joe from Game Sack to a moment to tear himself away from looking at Newt’s penis to grace Erin with some more witty comments.

    Joe: I pronounce Vegeta similar to vegetable. It’s probably Veh-Jeet-uh but I don’t care… it’s just Dragon Ballz.

    Mike: When would you be in a situation where you have to say that word

    Joe: I’m hoping never.

    Erin: So you say Vege-tah? I hope that’s how you say it.

    Joe: I don’t think I’ve ever said it with my mouth, but yes… that’s how it sounds when I think about that word

    You know that Mike reads the blog. Whenever Erin says something like, “I always forget the name of this monster”, I’ll say, “How often is that coming up as a topic of conversation?” Mike basically said the same thing here.

    So we’ve got Mike responding in the comments basically just to warn Joe that he knows what Joe is doing. We all do. Joe, stop trying to steal of the love of Mike’s life. It’s despicable. Erin and Mike are soulmates. It’s not about buttsex for Youtube promotion. This is true love.

    We know that Joe from Game Sack enjoys looking at Newt’s penis. Do you suppose that Mike ever showed his member to Joe? I have to think that it’s almost a certainty that he did.

    • “Have u ever played Spark the electric jester? Also good video 3”

    Want to guess Erin’s answer?

    “No I haven’t, I’ll look it up. And thanks!”

    If she hasn’t streamed it, she hasn’t played it, you fucking moron. Figure it out, retard.

  • AMITYVILLE POOL TOY MASSACRE – Newt Wallen

    I didn’t mean to talk about Newt again so soon but I’ve got some devastating news. Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls is off. Newt needs to film this at a “haunt”, which neither I nor PVC Bondage Guy nor anyone knows what that means. So Newt explained that he means a “haunted attraction.” Like at an amusement park.

    The place that Newt contacted said that they’re in their “build season” so Newt can’t film there unless he pays a certain amount of money. Newt doesn’t have that kind of money. Of course. So there goes Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls.

    Why would this even have to be filmed in a “haunted attraction”? The first part of the movie takes place in a van, then some of it takes place in Screenwave’s office, and most of it takes place in a castle. You’re telling me that they can’t halfass this like they halfass everything else? Like the script was halfassed? Not even. It was a tiny fraction of an ass. Maybe 1/256 of an ass.

    What reputable amusement park would even let them film this fucking shitty softcore porn in there anyway? These places are for children. You’re going to have some fucking degenerate filming his shit movie with a prostitutes in there? And it would be obvious which amusement park it is from the fucking props and whatever in there.

    So Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls, is out. Amityville Pool Toy Massacre is in. I have that script too. Newt posted it in his Discord. Do I really want to read this? It’s going to be another giant piece of shit.

    I’m skimming this script. It has a character named “Crystal”. Uh huh.

    0:30 – Newt says that he wrote this shitty pool party script in 2018. Probably in a day.

    2:15 – Newt was talking to….somebody…in a Subway restaurant who wanted him to write a script. So he shit something out and it became something else and then something else and eventually it became Ammityville Pool Toy Massacre. Extensive plagiariasm throughout.

    PVC Bondage Guy can barely keep her eyes open. She’s literally yawned at least four times so far.

    But back to Subway. The only interesting part of this story. I wonder what Newt went for. Six inch or twelve inch? Which bread did he get? Is this even how they order Subway in the US? Let me look this up.

    Tough to say. On this ordering website, you can’t customise anything but on the official Subway USA website, they do give you the various options. We get the same breads in the UK except for malted rye. Also, “Italian” and “Hearty Italian” are two separate bread types. The “hearty” version is crunchier.

    I’m surprised that they’re no brown bread. Am I crazy? Does such a thing exist? It must be possible. There’s brown bread. There must be a brown roll.

    They have some weird toppings in the US too. Capsicum? What even is that? Oh, red pepper. You think you could have said “red pepper”? Yeah, they have that in the UK Subways. Green peppers, anyway. It’s the same thing.

    Carrots? I’m not sure if they have that here. According to the Subway UK website they do. Maybe it varies by location, maybe I’m just not paying attention.

    You can get sweet corn on your Subway sandwiches in London but definitely not anywhere in Scotland. I don’t know how far out this sweet corn topping exists. I always found it a very pecuiliar choice.

    Slight differences in the sauces too.

    But $12 for a foot long sandwich? That’s probably about what it costs in the UK. Are the days of cheap fast food in the US over?

    2:45 – “So I had this idea for a haunted pool movie.”

    And PVC Bondage Guy nods, trying to feign interest in this.

    Isn’t Newt at all embarrassed? This is fucking pathetic. His scripts are AWFUL. Beyond awful. A child would be ashamed to turn this shit in for a school assignment. But he has these parasitic prostitutes and these lunatics all enabling his delusions.

    “When I was still seeing Crystal…a friend of ours was having a pool party.”

    PVC Bondage Guy nods and looks away when Newt mentions Horseface. How fucking awkward is this. She must have to listen to this fucking faggot obsessing over Horseface ALL THE TIME. Why does she do it? Why subject yourself to that?

    So Newt got hit in the head by an inflatable alligator at this pool party full of sexy ladies and it sparked his imagination. Like Isaac Newton and the apple. A couple of visionaries both with the name Newt. But instead of writing a theorum on gravity, Newt Wallen wrote a piece of shit tits and gore script.

    3:15 – “Then I got browbeated by Crystal like, ‘We don’t have the money, we don’t have the people.’”

    Plus, it sucks dick.

    But Newt is telling this story like Horseface is some harpie who’s destroying his tits and gore dreams. No. Did you have the money? Did you have the people? Didn’t the script suck penis?

    “In 2019, I had a draft that pretty much everyone was happy with. Well, I don’t know. Crystal was happy with it. She never actually read it.”

    Newt. She knew it was shit. What have you ever written that was good? Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls was shockingly bad. I mean, I knew that you couldn’t write but I wasn’t prepared for this level of suckage. This is legit retard level shit.

    3:45 – “And then the (something) movie came out this year about the haunted pool and I was like, ‘What the fuck?’”

    Well, you have some inspiration for your movie then. You can really beef up the plagiarism.

    4:00 – “We were doing Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls, which I think is a really fun idea. I did a video about it.”

    The worst script I’ve ever seen in my life. And I’m including the play that three girls (who weren’t even good students) wrote in my sixth grade class that we ended up doing about a haunted dance.

    “It was between that and Amityville Halloween, which I wrote for Fallon and I but I could never get a read on her on whether or not she wanted to do it.”

    She doesn’t. Even whores have standards.

    “So I was like fuck it, I’ll do the pool one because it will just be an excuse to have a lot of girls in bikinis.”

    Sounds like a good basis for a movie. It would be good for people who don’t have internet access or access to pornographic DVDs or access to pornographic magazines or sexy woodcarvings and aren’t allowed to go outside to just see women walking around in sexy summer attire. That’s Newt’s demographic for this movie. Shut ins with no access to any kind of erotica.

    4:30 – “Basically the story of this one is…”

    It’s so humiliating. PVC Bondage Guy is just sitting there humouring this total fucking retard. It’s like a mother listening to her child’s idiotic ideas. “Oh yeah. And then the lady takes her top off? That’s a good one, Newt. It sounds like it’s going to be a hit.”

    It’s about a haunted pool where the pools come to life. You know how every one of James Rolfe’s short “films” is about an inanimate object that comes to life and chases him? That’s what this movie is. With tits and gore.

    Newt says that he wrote a part for himself called Ranger Rick and the “joke” here is that he doesn’t understand why people find the name funny. Umm…I have to say that I’m not getting it either, Ideas Man.

    Then Newt says that he wrote a part for Crystal and again, as soon as Newt says “Crystal”, PVC Bondage Guy looks away. She’s sick and fucking tired of this. We all are. Fuck off you fucking pathetic faggot. Move on with your life.

    But Newt says that he got Madeline to agree to this. So presumably, she’s going to take the Horseface role. This crack whore is Newt’s substitute Crystal.

    5:45 – Newt excitedly talks about a scene where a woman gets raped by “pool noodles”. Whatever those are.

    6:15 – Newt says that he plagiarised a scene from The Birds for this piece of shit too.

    “It’s a lot of conversation-based stuff.”

    Oh sure. It sounds like a real think piece. And we know how skilled Newt is at writing dialogue.

    Well, let’s just find a sample from the actual script. I’ll go to a random page.

    RICK: then again maybe this is all part of some….occult plan

    KELSEY: you all right there champ

    RICK: just…stick with me for a hot sec. from the renting of the place. all these stories you told me. the way
    that guy Jake just so happened to have alllll that information

    KELSEY: jack

    RICK: right. Like everyone’s been laying bread crumbs for you to follow back. leading you down a path…your friends….no where to be found. which leads you from the comforts of the house. out into the darkness. right to..

    KELSEY: This truck….what are you saying here Ranger

    RICK: well. what if this is like a….ritual..a…I don’t now. a wicker man type community.

    KELSEY: and what…my friends and I are some sorta….sacrifice.

    RICK: And what If…I don’t know…what if, “I’m” part of that plan

    Dogshit, Newt. Total dogshit.

    6:30 – “The idea after that is to go into Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls in November.”

    It’s all dogshit.

    “I’m really excited. I’ve wanted to do this pool story for a long time. And I don’t fucking care, nobody saw Night Swim anyway.”

    All the easier to plagiarise then. But compared to Amityville Pool Toy Massacre, Night Swim will be…well, let me actually look this up.

    Newt has completely lost his mind. That’s an actual movie. Distributed by Universal. $15 million budget. It made $54 million.

    Newt is making a “movie” with his prostitute “friends” for a thousand bucks (if that) and a bunch of children’s pool toys. Shot on his phone.

    Then Newt excitedly mentions all of the inflatable pool toys that he has. Like that’s going to get anybody excited to see this. “Boy, I can’t wait to see this inflatable shark rape a prostitute. That’s entertainment.”

    8:15 – “One of them has pool noodles that rip through their titties.”

    Newt is describing his vision for this work of art. Even PVC Bondage Guy, who’s doing her best to humour this fucking retard, can barely contain her revulsion.

    8:45 – “The producer was like, ‘What’s the motivation?’ And I was like, ‘The motivation is that we’re going to have a lot of fucking chicks with big ass titties in bikinis.’”

    It sounds like this mentally-challenged “producer” wants a script that isn’t a total piece of shit. How silly of him. And Newt, totally unequiped to produce such a script, has to rely on his prostitute “friends” to deliver any sense of value to this thing.

    “And funny dialogue.”

    Mmm…I’m just going to say it. Without reading the script beyond a passing glance, I’m willing to bet my life that there’s not a single even REMOTELY funny line in this script.

    “And again, that sounds so gross when I say it out loud.”

    Do you think so, Newt?

    Then PVC Bondage Guy says that she hopes that she has a role in the movie. Newt says that he has a part for her.

    Newt then says that the Mexican wrestler in Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls was a part that he wrote for PVC Bondage Guy. This was one of the more baffling parts of this script that was full of baffling choices. The character was introduced as part of a new team of “monsters”. Never mind the fact that a Mexican wrestler is not a monster. But then, as soon as the character was introduced, it was never mentioned again.

    Couldn’t it at least be a zombie Mexican wrestler? I mean, why am I writing this piece of shit? It makes NO SENSE that you’re introducing new monsters that this mad scientist created and out comes a MEXICAN WRESTLER.

    Many years ago, I saw somebody was selling sock monkeys with lucha libre masks. I wanted one but I didn’t have money at the time. Then when I got some money, I looked it up and couldn’t find it. I don’t know what happened to those monkeys. It was just somebody selling them from their website. They were obviously making them in their spare time.

    I had a sock monkey as a kid. I was maybe 15 and I saw it laying out in the trash. Somebody obviously had a garage sale and they just dumped all of the shit that didn’t sell. And I’m walking to school and I feel really bad seeing that monkey. But I can’t pick it up because I’m not going to go to school carrying a fucking sock monkey.

    So after school, I’m walking home and I see that monkey again. And it looks like it’s about to start raining. And I think, “I can’t leave this monkey here.” So I looked around, made sure that nobody was watching, and quickly tucked that monkey under my jacket and rushed home.

    I was like 15 and by this time, my scumbag mother had already put all of my stuffed animals in the mouldy basement, dooming them to destruction, but I could at least save this one monkey. And I kept it hidden in my room and even though my mother knew where it was, she let me keep it. And it was still there, safe in my room, when I moved to the UK, whatever, ten years later.

    10:00 – “There are actresses who are uptight about that kind of thing?”

    You mean having “pool noodles” shot out of their tits and getting raped by inflatable sharks? Yeah. You know. Some uptight bitches out there. Good thing all of your “actresses” are fucking literal whores.

    “But there’s also a thing where I want to look sexy on camera. I want to look powerful.”

    Oh sure. It’s so empowering to get raped by an inflatable shark while “pool noodles” are shooting out of your nipples.

    10:15 – “I want women to look their best on camera.”

    Fuck this fucking asshole. Trying to justify the disgusting, retarded bullshit that he does as some kind of feminist empowerment.

    10:45 – “I know how stupid I am. How many times are we hanging out and you show a little cleavage and I completely forget what I’m talking about.”

    It’s a man, Newt. What don’t you understand? Well, he is gay.

    11:00 – “In the concept of filmmaking, a lot of people are scared to make those kind of things any more.”

    You mean total dogshit that nobody wants to watch? I don’t think it’s fear so much as the economic reality and the complete lack of artistic merit.

    11:30 – “Maybe it’s a kink. Maybe I like powerful women. Because I’ve dated mostly women who are taller than me.”

    It’s not hard to do when you’re 5’3″ or whatever Newt is.

    14:00 – He’s talking about Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls. “All my friends who are sex workers have read it and they’re like, dude, yes, this is the fucking script we’ve been looking for.”

    I can’t even imagine a universe where that would A) be said and; B) somebody would believe it.

    14:30 – “I just start writing. I don’t plot anything out.”

    It shows, you fucking retard.

    14:45 – “I gave this to all my ‘friends’ who have Fansly and Only Fans and they’re sex workers and they were like, ‘Oh fuck yeah, dude. We want to be involved in this’. So that made me happy to know that, okay, I’m serving that audience and as long as they’re happy with it, there’s some kind of truth in that art. That will then hopefully translate to people who just want to see the tits and want to see the gore and stuff like that.”

    Newt, there is not one shred of “art” anywhere in that total piece of garbage that you shat out in a day.

    , ,

  • Animal Well, Unicorn Overlord, my Italy trip and more May updates – Cannot be Tamed

    Whoa. Melons out for this one. Have that box of tissues on standby.

    She’s just looking big all over, frankly.

    0:15 – But first a shoot oot for the Point and Drink Adventure podcast with her “friend” Michelle aka Pele.

    1:15 – “So just a bit about my Italy trip for those interested.”

    Pamela, this is the only reason I’m watching the video. Fuck video games. Give us something interesting.

    It’s my same issue with John Riggs. I don’t want to see the video game bullshit. We’ve seen it. Okay? We’ve all seen enough video game bullshit. Bring on the food.

    She went with her mother. “It was sort of a birthday trip for the both of us.”

    How does that work? Similar birthdays? Oh. They do. Apparently on the same day. But it was in October. But I get it. You don’t want to go to Italy in October. You wait until the summer.

    1:30 – “I love Italian food. I love Italian wine.”

    I’ve been to some places. I’ve seen some things. Done some stuff. I’ve never travelled anywhere for the FOOD. Who the fuck does this?

    Are you telling me that there’s not a good Italian restaurant in Toronto or where ever she lives? It’s hardly an obscure cuisine.

    1:45 – She’s showing some of the buildings and shit on the mountainside.

    2:30 – She talks about the wine that she likes. She’s a fucking drunk.

    3:00 – They went to a different city and she’s talking about the wine that she likes in this different city. This is just sad. A drunk’s guide to Italy.

    3:45 – Then they went to Rome and she says that she didn’t like it. Before I even continue to find out the reason, I’m going to guess what the reason is: too crowded.

    “It was just so crazy. So many people. So many cars. So many people just constantly harassing you to buy shit. Trying to trap you into buying shit, which I’ve seen before in other cities like Paris.”

    So I was right but also, is she talking about gypsies? The only people I saw selling shit and doing scams in Paris were gypsies. I suspect that Pam is talking about gypsies UNKNOWINGLY. Because we know how sensitive Pam is about the Romani people. She condemned Quest for Glory IV for having gypsy characters, even though the characters weren’t offensive.

    I remember living in the US, never having seen a gypsy, and thinking, “How fucking backwards are those dopes in Europe that they’re persecuting gypsies?” Then I met a gypsy. The phrase “human garbage” springs to mind.

    Even reading about World War II in school and whatnot, you’d think, “What was Hitler’s beef with the Jews and the gypsies anyway?” Let me tell you, the man didn’t pick these groups out of thin air.

    And why would people go along with it if they didn’t share these beefs? Let’s say that Hitler wanted to persecute Dutch people. People wouldn’t go for that. “That’s preposterous, Hitler. What did the Dutch ever do to us? We’re not going along with that bullshit.” But the Jews and the gypsies? You’re pushing on an open door. There’s a reason that these are the most hated people in Europe.

    4:15 – “It was neat to see ruins like the Colloseum, the Forum of Caesar, and then beside it would be like the tackiest building you’ve ever seen: the Altar of the…Fatherland, which was just like, ‘Rome, calm down.’”

    Pam, YOU’RE the one unwittingly suggesting the genocide of the gypsies.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victor_Emmanuel_II_Monument

    That’s the building that she’s talking about. Built between 1885 and 1935. So nothing to do with fascism. It was started to honor the unification of Italy.

    And the altar contained in the building is a shrine dedicated to soldiers who died. The tomb contains the remains of a soldier who died in World War I. What’s your objection to this, Pam? You don’t like war memorials?

    I mean, if you don’t, that’s fine. But the US is full of them and for some reason, I don’t think that Pam would go to the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in Arlington National Cemetary and say, “What’s this tacky bullshit?” It’s the same fucking thing. Just because it has the word “Fatherland” in it? Grow up, you dumb bitch, and learn how other languages operate. There’s nothing inherently fascist about referring to one’s country in this manner. It’s just a linguistic choice.

    4:30 – “But yeah, Rome was…eugh…not my favourite place to be.”

    Too many fucking gypsies, am I right? Pam, I’m with you 100%. But admit what the problem is. She doesn’t even realise that that’s the problem.

    4:45 – If you want to see more pictures, her Intstagram is “cannot, underscore, be, underscore, tamed.” Pretty catchy, Pam. Not as catchy as your Twitter of Jasyla underscore, though.

    Oh, and what a tease. There are actually FEWER pictures here than what she showed in the video. And she showed all of these pictures that she has on Instagram in the video. So what was the fucking point? I was hoping to see some pictures of scamming gypsies.

    “Vote for the League on 25 September and you’ll never see her again.”

  • BIGFOOT EXORCIST – Newt Wallen

    We’ll cap off Newt Wallen Week with this fucking piece of shit. Bigfoot Exorcist.

    0:00 – “Last month we had the release of Shark Exorcist 2”.

    Which nobody watched. Go on.

    Newt says that Bigfoot Exorcist was the first thing that he ever shot for Donald Farmer. “Obviously, I’ve gone on since then to do Shark Exorcist 2, Blood Bitch Baby, Darby Screamhouse, Amittyville vs The Galactic Samurai Schoolgirls.”

    Oh yeah. Obviously. Those classics that nobody has ever seen.

    0:45 – Newt says that he “badgered” (his word) Donald Farmer “for a very long time” in order to be involved with a movie. “I said I can shoot something. I’m part of this Youtube show.”

    I don’t know if he’s talking about Underbelly or the few months he was working at Screenwave before he was fired for plagiarising 20 scripts for Monster Madness.

    This Bigfoot Exorcist scene that Newt allegedly shot was filmed in March 2020. It was on “My former best friend Justin Silverman’s birthday.”

    This former best friend that he just wrote a script about where Newt repeatedly insults Justin.

    1:45 – “I had Tony Pilluso and Crystal Quin from that old show.”

    Odd that he uses their names. And their full names. He’s always at pains to call them “The Italian” and “The Redhead” because they told him to stop talking about them and his workaround to this was to use barely-concealed aliases.

    Joe from Movie Dumpster was also part of this filming.

    Newt says that he wrote and directed this scene for Bigfoot Exorcist. So you just know that it’s god awful.

    2:00 – “Crystal acted in it and it was cold out and she had to be in a little skirt like with her top open and with a red bra on.”

    Newt, jerk off before you make the video. We don’t give a shit about this.

    2:30 – Newt got in trouble for using the studio at Screenwave on a Saturday without permission. He finds this offensive.

    Newt says that he asked Tony for permission but Tony didn’t ask Ryan. So Newt is blaming Tony. Newt never takes responsibility for anything.

    3:45 – “It was cold out. I feel bad for my former actress, my former friend, my former girlfriend.”

    He just got done talking about the colour of her bra and how short her skirt was. This is him getting sexually excited. He doesn’t give a fuck that she was cold. Fuck off.

    4:00 – “The blood and the red bra and the red hair and everything.”

    Newt, suck a dick, you faggot. I’m sick of hearing your disgusting fantasies.

    “It had this real Boggy Creek meets Last House on the Left kind of feel to it.”

    More plagiarism from The Ideas Man.

    5:00 – “Her chest heaving.”

    Newt, go show your penis to some more gay men for money.

    5:45 – “It sucks that those guys aren’t around to enjoy the release.”

    But they are around. They’re just not around your faggot ass.

    9:45 – “We’re getting closer to a Newt Wallen movie, which is what I wanted.”

    Nobody else wants that, Newt.

    10:45 – “I don’t want to make Youtube videos. I want to make movies, I want to make comic books.”

    Speaking of which, where the fuck is Florida Man Saves Christmas? It’s now YEARS behind schedule.

    Do you suppose that it’s as awful as the Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls script? Is that even possible? It must be. Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls is apparently one of Newt’s better works. God, it boggles the mind.

    11:00 – “I’ve got Were-shark coming up.”

    It’s a piece of shit, Newt. This is all shit.

    11:30 – “I’ve been able to team up with some way more talented than me filmmakers.”

    Newt, you’re on a level that’s so low that we can’t even conseptualise it. Your worth as a filmmaker is less than microscopic. It’s theoretical. You have no business doing any of this and it’s beyond me why people are humoring you. They know that it’s shit. They know that everything that you do is shit. There must be absolutely nobody else who’s willing to do this.

    Newt provides the prositute “actors” so there’s that. Most people don’t want to get involved in that sketchy shit. So I guess that that’s what he brings to this. He brings the prostitute “actors”. And I guess that he has some equipment and props. He’s certainly not bringing any talent.

    12:15 – “We’ve got like nine movies that I’ve done stuff with.”

    All pure shit.

    “Fallon’s in a bunch of them.”

    Speaking of which, where’s Sucks 2 Suck? I want to see that shower scene. And the no doubt excellent and witty script.

    There’s a review of Bigfoot Exorcist on Amazon.

    “A useless and trashy movie not worth sitting and wasting time on.”

    That’s about what I figured.

    There’s the trailer. There are a couple of shots of Horseface in her red bra. I’m fully erect over here.

    Oh, and wouldn’t you know it, Newt left a comment promoting himself. “Shot the opening of this one. Excited to be part of so many Donald projects being released by Wildeye”

    Haha. Then somebody replies and Newt thinks that it’s me.

    Blaze says: “How long is the opening”

    Newt then says, “how many accounts do you have gamer girl. It would be funny if it was not so sad. Get a hobby dude.”

    Blaze says, “so I’m guessing your contribution to this cinematic masterpiece isn’t very long. how many of your scripts for monster madness 2021 were plaquarized?”

    I assure you that I’m not doing any of this. If I’m not writing about it, I’m not doing it. I’m not creating accounts on Youtube or Twitter or whatever and harassing Newt. I’m not calling his jobs. I’m not doing any of this.

    I saw somebody with a Twitter account full of comments about how Newt is a plagiarist and they were referencing stuff that I’ve written about. I assume it’s somebody who reads the blog. And frankly, I found it pathetic, no offence to whoever it might be. But it is absolutely not me and I’m telling you that I find it to be pathetic, obsessive behaviour.

    But I guess people need an outlet. I can write whatever in the blog so there’s no need for me to comment on Youtube or Twitter. But if I didn’t have the blog…I just don’t think that I’d write about it. I mean, who really gives a shit? I don’t care that Newt plagiarised 20 scripts for Monster Madness. I’m not going to hound him over this. It makes sense in the context of a blog because I’m writing about Newt but I’m not going to stalk Newt himself with this shit.

    It’s like the fags on Reddit who are clearly desperate for stuff to talk about so they’ll rehash shit that happened ten years ago and they’ll talk about how he walks and Photoshop him to make him look sexy and all of this. It’s because they’re bored and trying to talk to these other losers on Reddit. So they rehash this old bullshit over and over again. They’re just trying to be part of the community and have some interraction with people.

    But the blog is a journalistic or even a literary endevour. It has some value in that sense.

    Are people collating Reddit posts? No, it’s disposable. But the blog is here for the ages. Future generations will appreciate my efforts to document the plight of fake gamers and unfathomably untalented filmmakers.

  • My Constructive Criticism of Newt Wallen’s Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls Script (Part 3 of 3)

    I’ve been reading this “script” the past few days and I realised that as little sense as it makes to me, it would make even less sense to somebody who doesn’t get all of these inside references about Newt’s life. Way less sense. And it already doesn’t make sense.

    Who is this thing written for? The handful of people who know about Newt’s weird obsessions? It’s ridiculous. This has no appeal at all.

    The Newt character just suddenly says, “so hey. not to be capin bring down. but are we just not gonna address the ethical, exploitation and autonomy of womens bodies element of this story.”

    This must the “satire” of “sex workers” that he promised. Just shoehorned in from out of nowhere and with a nod to his terrible writing. And in response to this, Dr Lemlie says, “my advice. as a doctor. is dont stress it too much. if we think to hard about anything in this story it all pretty much falls apart.”

    So he’s again admitting that the script is total shit. Which it is. It’s got to be the worst fucking thing that I’ve ever read. Why is he doing this? This is what a fucking retard would write. And he has dozens or hundreds of these scripts that he shat out in a day that are presumably WORSE than this one. Because he’s proud of this one. All of his whore “friends” said that it was great.

    Then Fritz/Newt asks what the “end game” of this is. Some character named Lona, who I think is Werewolf Big Tits says “more sexy lady monsters.” Then it’s immediately more animated intros for “sexy” monsters.

    We’ve got Michael Meyers Big Tits, Alien Big Tits, and, oddly, Lucha Libre Big Tits. Not sure how that last one is a monster. Or the alien for that matter. But he obviously got desperate. “Just find a Mexican whore and put a wrestling mask on her.”

    God, these are really disappointing. Even by the absolute shit standards of the script. We had vampire, mummy, and werewolf for the first wave of “sexy” monsters. Now we’ve got Michael Meyers (a man), an alien, and a Mexican wrestler.

    I know that he already used the big ones but what about the Creature from the Black Lagoon, The Invisible Woman, and a zombie? I know that The Invisible Woman would require more special effects but just don’t ever unwrap her. This way, you can give her giant, exaggerated tits down to her waist because you never have to reveal who the actor is. It can be a dude playing the character.

    And sure, The Invisible Woman and the Mummy are conceptually similar. They’re bother wrapped in bandages. But The Invisible Woman would be dressed in, whatever, 1930s attire whereas the Mummy is dressed in ancient Egyptian attire.

    “hey. has anyone seen the redhead lately”

    It just comes out of nowhere, of course.

    Then there’s a scene change to a tv news anchor saying that Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls’ stock price has gone up. Because apparently Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls, which started as a privately-owned website by Dr Whatever, has gone public. I don’t think that Newt has the foggiest idea how economics works.

    Then we cut to Ryan Schott saying, “WHY ME…WHY MUST I SUFFER. CANT THEY SEE HOW I…A RICH WHITE MALE AM THE MOST PERECUTED OF ALL PEOPLES IN THESE UNITED STATES..”

    “Persecute”, presumably. But here’s just Newt shoehorning racist bullshit in here to show that he’s down with the homies. And the grammar, as usual, is awful.

    Then the Horseface character promises Ryan Schott that if he makes her famous, she’ll give pictures that she took of the castle. How…I have so many questions.

    First of all, she was already popular on social media. That’s why Dr Whoever took her in.

    Secondly, how did her fame help the monster porn site AT ALL? It’s never explained.

    Thirdly, why did Dr Whoever take her in, this person who she apparently didn’t know, if not to somehow gain some kind of advantage?

    Fourthly, how are these pictures even going to help?

    Fifthly, if Horseface isn’t famous, how is Ryan Schott going to make her famous?

    These questions and a billion more are not going to be answered because this script doesn’t make one iota of sense.

    Then suddenly, Justin Silverman and Tony are captured by Ryan Schott. Nothing is explained, of course. Why do they even want to capture them?

    One of Ryan Schott’s henchmen says that he wants Justin and Tony to lead them to the castle. But that’s what fucking Horseface was negotiating for. Horseface was promising to lead them to the castle. Why do they need THREE people to do this? One is enough.

    And then even though Justin and Tony were captured by these violent thugs of Ryan Schott, these thugs offer large sums of money to Justin and Tony to tell them where they castle is. WHY WOULDN’T THEY JUST THREATEN AND TORTURE THEM?

    You’ve captured somebody. Alright? You’re a thug. And you want to find out the location of a big drug stash or something. This person knows where the drug stash is. You have them tied to a chair. Are you going to say, “Hey, if you tell me where it is, I’ll give you $10,000” or are you going to get the fucking pliers?

    Then there’s suddenly a montage of “sexy” monsters getting dressed and undressed.

    Somehow, the monsters find out that Horseface gave the information about their castle to Ryan Schott. And for the second time, Newt uses the joke that she “Lando’d ” them. Two times. Two times in the same script. He thought it was so hilarious that he’s use it twice.

    Who even is this Horseface character? Why did Dr Whoever befriend her or whatever the fuck the relationship was? What was gained from any of this by either party? Horseface has a big social media following so…what? What came of that? How did that help Dr Whoever IN ANY WAY? And what was in this for Horseface?

    They’re talking about how Horseface knows all of their secrets. HOW? I think that she was only at the castle briefly. The other monsters there didn’t even know she was. I gather that she was only there for a few hours at the most.

    Then suddenly Ryan Schott, Horseface, Tony, and Justin are at Dr Whoever’s castle. I’m not sure why Tony and Justin are there. They weren’t needed in the end. Even though they were offered all of that money for the location of the castle. Because they got the location from Horseface instead. But somehow, Tony and Justin are going to be used as human shields now. Who the fuck knows? This is all nonsense. Nothing is explained. It’s all illogical bullshit written by a retard.

    Ryan Schott offers to have sex with Horseface.

    Then we shift to a livestream of the “sexy” monsters doing “sexy” things. They’re all the original “sexy” monsters, by the way. Not the ones that they introduced halfway through the movie and then did nothing with. You know, Michael Meyers, the alien, and the Mexican wrestler. Those characters went nowhere. As quickly as they appeared, they left.

    Then a few pages later, for reasons that I can’t explain, Ryan Schott and the gang are in the forest looking for the castle. WEREN’T THEY JUST AT THE CASTLE?

    Then they find the castle. Again, I think. And go in this time.

    Werewolf Big Tits attacks them but Justin throws a ball at it and it goes and chases it. That old gag that’s been done a billion times, plagiarised once more for your enjoyment.

    One of Ryan Schott’s monster hunters kills the ape with a camera for a head. That character went absolutely nowhere. None of these characters did. If you’re hoping for characters arcs and redemptions and…no. This is not the movie for you. This is a movie for people who want a lot of illogical, unfunny, retarded bullshit that doesn’t make any sense.

    Mummy Big Tits kills one of the totally forgetable monster hunters. I think.

    Newt keeps mentioning something called a “walkie”. As in walkie talkie? A radio? What the fuck is this?

    Horseface dies to some unknown thing. I think. It’s explained in two sentences.

    One of the monster hunters kills Mummy Big Tits, exploding her face in a puff of sand and then says, “still got it.” He plagiarised this joke from a Simpsons Halloween episode which was a parody of The Omega Man where Homer punches a long-dead man whose head explodes in a puff of sand and then says, “Still got it.”

    One of the monster hunters is then immediately killed by Frankenstein Big Tits.

    Vampire big tits kills what I think is the last totally forgetable monster hunter.

    Then Frankenstein Big Tits and Vampire Big Tits start kissing.

    Ryan Schott kills Justin and Tony for some reason. Nothing is explained, of course. There’s no setup to anything. It’s just stuff randomly happening.

    Ryan Scott reaches Dr Whatever. Horseface is now captured by Igor Big Tits. Nothing is explained. Just stuff happening.

    Ryan Schott tells Dr Whatever to let Horseface go because Ryan Schott wants to “loose” his virginity to her. Implying rape. Newt wrote a script about raping Horseface.

    Frankenstein Big Tits, Werewolf Big Tits, and Vampire Big Tits suddenly appeal. They start surrounding Ryan Schott. I guess that Igor Big Tits is also there but I don’t know.

    Horseface says that her plan worked. Two more references to Lando. It’s not explained what the fuck her plan was or what the fuck is going on.

    Swords are drawn. “then out of nowhere blake swings a sword lopping off sloans head”.

    Sloan is the Ryan Schott character. You might be asking who Blake is. I DON’T KNOW! I think it was one of the unknown henchmen of Ryan Schott. Apparently they weren’t all killed. But just for reasons that aren’t explained, this character who we don’t even know, killed Ryan Schott for reasons that nobody knows.

    Then Blake asks to “join their team”. He picks up Ryan Schott’s severed head and says, “what do you say huh…can I join your team…look….im giving head on camera”. So that bizarre, nonsensical, unsatisfying ending was just to shoehorn another unfunny sex pun in here.

    Then the characters say that this was anti-climactic. More “jokes” about how Newt can’t write.

    Then there’s a “sexy” monster montage.

    Then for some reason Fritz/Newt legally changes Dr Whatever’s name to Dr Frankenstein. Newt, let me explain something to you. The person who wants their name changed has to be the person who does it. You can’t change somebody else’s name without their permission.

    And Blake somehow made it so Dr Whatever now owns Screenwave. How? It’s not explained. NOTHING is explained. EVER.

    Horseface tries to sneak out even though this is now at least a few hours since Ryan Schott was killed. Igor Big Tits says, “oh yeah. what do we do about little ms 6 foot baby giraffe over there”. More bizarre insults for Horseface and it’s just Newt being self-conscious about his height. Little Man Syndrome.

    Then Dr Frankenstein says not to worry about Horseface, she’ll be dealt with in “part 2”.

    The script ends with a “sexy” monster montage.

    Newt, there is not going to be a part 2. There’s not going to be a part 1. There is no godly way that this total piece of shit is ever going to be made.

    HOW IS IT POSSIBLE that those whores told him that this was good? And that he believed it? To call this total dogshit is an affront to dogshit.

    WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE SATIRE? He promised us satire about “toxic masculinity” and “draining the last drops of an IP” and “sex workers having agency over their own bodies.” THERE WAS NONE OF THAT.

    Nothing even made sense. Nothing was set up. It was just random shit happening with no explanation.

    And even with those loose rules where you can do whatever you want at any time, it STILL wasn’t funny. Not even a tiny bit. Ever.

    He was shoehorning jokes in there but not a single one of them was worth reading. And a lot of them were plagiarised.

    He introduced those monster characters like the Mexican Wrestler and then LITERALLY did nothing with them. They weren’t mentioned again. It was just, “Here’s our new group of monsters” and then gone. As soon as they’re introduced, they’re gone.

    The end is just people randomly getting killed by random people. Nothing is explained. No set up. Certainly nothing even remotely clever is going on. It’s just people magically getting transported to places so that they can quickly kill a character.

    He has hundreds of these scripts. I can’t believe it. And what’s even more baffling is that he honestly thinks that these are GOOD.

    This is so far from good…it’s on the opposite universe of good. The finite mind cannot comprehend how infinitely bad this script is. And yet these fucking whores had the audacity to tell him that this was good AND HE BELIEVED IT.

    Even for a script shit out in one day this was fucking dog shit. I expect a script written in one day to at least MAKE SENSE.

    Newt, listen to what I’m telling you. You want constructive criticism, here it is. Take this script, move it to the recycle bin of your computer, right click, and click “empty recycle bin.” There is nothing worth salvaging here. Every page, every word, was shit. What the fuck are you possibly thinking?

    This is not for you. You have no talent AT ALL for writing scripts. It’s fine. Who cares about writing scripts? Do something else with your time. Make the Youtube videos. I don’t give a shit. But this script writing needs to stop. You’re completely delusional. You need professional help.

    , , ,

  • My Constructive Criticism of Newt Wallen’s Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls Script (Part 2 of 3)

    Let’s continue our slog through this dreck.

    Dr Lemlie: right where was i….

    Horseface: your family was forced to change their name

    Shegore: whos she

    Fritz yeah i was wondering the same

    Photog: i thought she was with you

    Horseface: im sapphire

    Dr Lemlie: oh right. yeah thats sapphire

    Fritz: but whos sapphire

    Horseface: me

    It’s worse than any school play. These three people appear OUT OF NOWHERE while Dr Lemlie is about to do something with a cadaver. You’d think that the two people with Horseface/Sapphire would know who she is. But even if they don’t…oh, god it’s the worst fucking dialogue ever written.

    So Dr Lemlie/Dr Frankenstein’s distant relative says, “sweet new born baby jesus. can we just let me exposition drop this shit please…so we can move on with the fucking plot. I assure you it will all make sense….well…kinda”

    He makes a joke of his terrible writing ability.

    So then Dr Lemlie just starts describing who these people are. But…WOULDN’T THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE?

    You’re going to work. You have a co-worker named Bill. You and Bill have worked there for five years. You know each other. Then your boss comes in and says, “This is Bill. He works in accounts. And you’re Robert. You work in IT.” It makes no fucking sense. Who is this introduction for?

    So Dr Lemlie is introducting Fritz to people who already know who Fritz is AND to Fritz himself. And Dr Lemlie says, “what you lack in intellect and physical attractiveness you more than make up for with….ummm…hmmm. ill get back to you on that”.

    “fritz turns to photog and puts his hands apart as if to show he has a large penis. he smiles a smug smile then goes for a high 5”

    Fritz is supposed to be Newt.

    Then Sapphire/Horseface says “and sapphire.”

    I didn’t leave anything out. Directly after Dr Lemlie introduces Fritz TO HIMSELF, Sapphire then says “and sapphire.”

    Now, if she said, and I’M sapphire” that wouldn’t make much logical sense but it would at least make grammatical sense. Simply saying “and sapphire” makes no sense at all, logically, grammatically, anything.

    So then Dr Lemlie says, “oh my god sapphire. not everything is about you….fuuuuccccck.”

    It’s a reference to Horseface being self-obsessed. Then there’s a stage direction that says, “sapphire gets bitch face then raises a cup of expensive designer coffee.” Horseface does that sort of thing on Twitter. She’ll post pictures of her with a coffee.

    Newt expects to win Horseface back with this shit? This fucking psycotic bullshit that’s constantly insulting her? What is the point of this? What’s the goal here?

    I remind you that a retarded man PAID for this script. This script that’s just Newt’s HORRIBLY-written revenge script against people who stopped talking to him after he plagiarised 20 scripts for Monster Madness.

    Then Dr Lemlie says, “so dont know if you all realized it or not but we are pretty much flat on our ass broke.”

    These people all, apparently, live in this castle. Alright? The castle is in Pennsylvania, which raises its own set of questions. But the question that I’m still unsure of is why didn’t these other people, who all live together in the castle, know who Sapphire/Horseface was? It’s not explained. This is complete and total dogshit.

    Photog asks if Dr Lemlie is going to “loose” the castle as a result of her debts.

    So these monsters or whatever the fuck they are are concerned that they’re going to have to find new places to live if Dr Lemlie “looses” the castle. Because she has a lot of bills. It’s not explained what the bills are for. Nothing is explained in this fucking piece of shit. So Dr Lemlie says, “wait…were you all here for my money. thats super lame…and not for nothing. kinda sobering.”

    It’s a reference to Newt not liking how his prostitute “friends” only spend time with him when he’s paying them. Newt…that’s the fucking deal. If you want friends, get real friends, not whores. Whores are whores. Friends are friends. Never the twain shall meet.

    But from the perspective of the script it makes NO SENSE. Of course it doesn’t. Nothing does.

    These are people who live in the castle. Alright? They’re afraid of becoming homeless if Dr Lemlie “looses” the castle. That’s a perfectly valid concern. But Dr Lemlie, for some unknown reason, finds this personally offensive like they’re just using her for money. No, you fucking idiot. THEY LIVE THERE. THEY WORK THERE. It’s not a charity. They’re not leeching off of you. You created some of these people.

    Photog: you made me in a lab. I am like a declawed cat….kinda couldnt make it on my own even if I wanted to

    Dr Lemlie: no…see these occult items. they dont cost money

    Sapphire: but you literally just said they did. this is stupid. your all stupid.

    WHAT OCCULT ITEMS? WHERE DID SHE SAY THAT THEY COST MONEY? NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE.

    And it’s “you’re”, Newt. “You’re” an idiot who could not write a coherent script to save his miserable life.

    Newt showed this script to various whores who all said that it was good. He showed THIS and they said that it was good. Indeed, this is the second draft. So he showed them the first draft which, presumably, was even worse than this. And they said, “Yeah, this is good, Newt. Go with it.”

    You’d have to be a fucking retard to believe that. These women just want to get paid and they’ll say anything.

    This is also the script that Newt said was full of satire about toxic masculinity. WHERE? All I’m seeing is complete nonsense and attacks on Tony, Justin Silverman, and Crystal “Horseface” Quin.

    Then, for no reason at all, Sapphire/Horseface starts taking pictures of herself, and says “for the insta…IM SO FUCKING HOT”. It’s insulting Horseface but what the fuck does it have to do with the script? How does it fit AT ALL? She just suddenly starts taking pictures of herself from out of nowhere.

    Then Dr Lemlie says that the reason that Sapphire/Horseface is here is because she has a big following on social media and Dr Lemlie is going to create sexy monsters to make money on social media. How are the two at all related? So Sapphire lives in the castle because…she has a big social media following? But she apparently only moved in recently because she doesn’t know that the castle doesn’t have wifi. That was some weird line that I didn’t mention.

    So…Sapphire/Horseface is living in the castle…she just moved there recently…and the reason why Dr Lemlie apparently invited Sapphire/Horseface to live there is because she has a big social media following. Why did Sapphire/Horseface choose to live in the castle? What’s in it for her? For that matter, what’s in it for Dr Lemlie? How is Horseface’s social media following going to help the “sexy” monsters and their social media presence? Newt. None of this makes sense. Do you understand? This is garbage.

    Dr Lemlie says, “men are filthy little perverts who of course will wanna see naked lady wolf man.”

    This is all part of Dr Lemlie’s plan to make money from selling nudes of “sexy” monsters on an OnlyFans type site. I still don’t know how Sapphire/Horseface fits into any of this but let’s move on. And it’s revealed that the reason Dr Lemlie is in debt is because she was sued. It’s not explained about what.

    Fritz, the Newt character, is offended by this charactarisation so Dr Lemlie says that Frizt/Newt is an exception. So Fritz/Newt ISN’T a pervert.

    In response to this, Fritz/Newt says, “well…you know. some men are extroverts. some men are introverts. i
    myself am a pervert. and more than a bit intrigued by this notion of a sexy lady werewolf…some would say im….LYCAN this idea”

    So at first Fritz/Newt is offended at being called a pervert. And then he immediately boasts about being a pervert. And this had absolutely nothing to do with extroverts or introverts. It was just a way to shoehorn another unfunny, illogical sex pun into this.

    I mean…he’s offended at being called pervert and then immediately calls himself a pervert. It makes no fucking sense.

    Newt misspells “altar” as “alter”. REPEATEDLY. He’s a real dope.

    Then there’s just immediately a montage of the monsters being created. What’s the motivation for them being created? I don’t know. They want to make money from OnlyFans to pay a bill after they apparently lost a lawsuit and somehow Sapphire/Horseface’s big social media presence will aid in this.

    Then Dr Lemlie says, “they’re alive…they’re alive…live nude monsters.”

    I think that’s the end of the first act. This is the worst fucking thing ever written.

    Then Dr Lemlie is suddenly in front of some stage about to introduce the monsters. Where’s the stage? In the castle or…I don’t know.

    Each monster gets their own animated intro in a “groovie ghoules” (sic) vibe. So more explicit plagiarism from The Ideas Man.

    Then we see the “sexy” monsters. There’s a big-titted mummy. There’s a big-titted werewolf. There’s a big-titted Frankenstein’s monster. There’s a big-titted vampire. They have painfully unfunny pun names. This is so satirical.

    Then we’re at an office that’s described as being “below a dentists (sic) office”. Screenwave shares the same office complex as a dentist’s office.

    “there we meet SLOAN VAN HELSING. a chubby little Weasley 30 something with long greasy hair”

    This is Ryan Schott. In Newt’s warped mind, Ryan is an evil supervillain…for firing Newt for plagiarising 20 Monster Madness scripts.

    It’s said that Sloan was left the company by his father. Same as Ryan Schott. Sloan is playing a video game and says, “look at those electrons. thats right SON. get you some.” It’s a reference to the “electrons move through reality” “meme” that the fags on Reddit drive into the ground.

    The script says that three other people in the office but Newt lists four other people.

    Winchester- older stern but beautiful militant woman
    Mignola- balding chubby tech nerd
    Cushing- bearded man with an eyepatch
    Blake-optimistic professional younger female

    I don’t know who these people are supposed to be. Maybe one of them is Kieran.

    By the way, the office is called MEB, which stands for Monsters Enabling Hunters. But…the business that they seem to be in is CLEARLY Youtube…whatever Screenwave does. And it’s video game-focused.

    Then there’s a few pages where…I don’t even know what was happening. These three (or was it four?) people were telling the Ryan Schott character that he has to defeat these monsters. I don’t know why. I’m sure that it was thoroughly explained, though. Newt is all about logical story-telling.

    Then we’re back to Frankenstein’s castle…in Pennsylvania, where Dr…whoever is sending lightning though the “sexy” Frankenstein’s monster, who has neck bolts for nipples. She’s aroused by this. Mummy Big Tits is stripping for Newt/Fritz. Then Dr Whoever uploads the footage to the Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls website. Somebody was apparently filming this but it’s not stated who.

    The counter to the website instantly starts going up.

    We see a nerd at his computer visitng the site, horny.

    Then there’s girl/girl action between Vampire Big Tits and Werewolf Big Tits. Vampire says, “what do you call this?” Werewolf says “doggy style”. You know…because lesbians…it doesn’t make sense. It was just an excuse to shoehorn a nonsensical, unfunny pun in.

    When you think of lesbians do you think of doggy style sex? Newt…there’s no fucking penis involved. Do you understand the mechanics of sex and human anatomy? Sure, one of the ladies could get a strap on but first of all, that’s not even what the script is suggesting is happening. According to the script, they’re KISSING. Secondly, doggy style is NOT closely associated with lesbian sex.

    You’d want to make a LESBIAN unfunny pun in there. Something about licking pussy or scissoring or something closely associated with LESBIAN sex.

    Here’s my idea. You’ve got Vampire Big Tits going down on Werewolf Big tits, right? And Vampire Big Tits says, “God, you really need to clean up down here. Ever hear of a razor?” Get it? Because werewolves are hairy so probably the pussy isn’t so well-groomed. It’s a joke about lesbian monsters. A joke that makes sense in the context. I didn’t just shoehorn some unfunny, unrelated bullshit in there.

    Sapphire/Horseface makes a brief appearance in the script. What exactly was her function again? She had a big social media presence. How did that help this monster porn site? It didn’t seem to use her social media presence AT ALL but it still took off.

    Then the “sexy” monsters are in a car wash, washing cars nude. This is Newt ripping off Bikini Car Wash Company. And why are they suddenly washing cars? It’s not explained, of course. It’s just an excuse for Newt/Fritz to say, “i think I just creamated”.

    Then we’re back to Ryan Schott’s office. He’s angry at the success of this monster porn site. Why? I get that Van Helsing, who the character is based on, hunted monsters but is that it? Can we get some motivation for the character?

    “All be it” instead of “albeit”.

    Then suddenly Horseface/Sapphire is in the shower recreating the Psycho scene with Mummy Big Tits. They start fondling each other’s breasts. Not even joking. It’s in the script.

    Now we get the motivation for Ryan wanting to destroy the monsters. In butchered English, of course. “a solid number of our usual ad revenue is now going to them”

    Somehow, Newt, with a peculiar understanding of economics, thinks that since the monster porn site is doing so well, that means that the Youtube channels that Ryan runs will make less money.

    Did I mention that this was written in one day?

    “Loose” for lose” yet again. He gets it wrong every single time. “Lap top” for “laptop” causes problems for him too.

    Then we’re back to more monster porn scenes. Again, no reason. It’s just random monster porn scenes. It’s not advancing the plot in any way. What plot is there to even advance?

    So Ryan is angry that the monster porn site is doing so well. Suddenly Horseface/Sapphire appears in his office. Check out this totally clear dialogue.

    Ryan: I want the location. I want my revenge

    Horseface: I think I can help you with that

    Ryan: who the shit are you

    Horseface: your candy corn

    Was this a pun or satire that I just didn’t get? Or was it just more bullshit that doesn’t make any sense written by a lunatic?

    I’m about halfway done. I’ll stop here for now. Bottom of page 35.

    , , ,

  • My Constructive Criticism of Newt Wallen’s Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls Script (Part 1 of 3)

    Well, Newt Wallen Week continues here at the Gamer Girls Blog. Newt posted his Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls, script that he shat out in a day on his Discord and invited feedback. Ideas Man, in many ways, you’ve saved the blog so I’m happy to provide some feedback.

    This is the second draft. He probably spent a few minutes on it.

    This looks like it was typed on a typewriter. He obviously used some font that makes it look like typewriter letters. So alright. I like that. This might be the only praise I give but it shows that I’m going in with a totally open mind. Maybe it’s good. Stranger things have happened. All of the whores who he showed it to said it was good, after all.

    So the script starts with a quote from Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. I mean, technically it’s not plagiarism because it’s in quotes but…let’s hope it improves from here. This is really hackey, by the way, starting the movie with a quote.

    Then we get the protagonists of the movie: Toby and Crusty. They’re described as two “heavy set” (it’s one word, Newt) “grunts”. Toby is described as having a beard.

    I’m not making this up. These are obviously supposed to be Tony from Hack the Movies and Justin Silverman. Newt needs to be assessed to make sure that he’s not a danger to himself or anyone else. This is fucking insane. A retard PAID MONEY so that Newt can shit this script out that’s just petty revenge…FOR WHAT? Petty revenge for NEWT plagiarising 20 scripts. Newt is mad that he got rightly fired. And apparently Newt then said some heinous shit to Tony, Horseface, and Justin and they rightly got upset and stopped talking to him. Newt somehow sees himself as the victim in all of this.

    JUST MOVE ON, NEWT. THIS WAS YEARS AGO.

    In his Discord, PVC Bondage Guy has a rule forbidding you from talking about Cinemassacre, Screenwave, Tony, Justin, Horseface, Reddit, whatever. She says that it happened years ago so we want to move past that.

    Fine. I agree. THEN DO THAT. Don’t shit out a script where you’re trying to dunk on your former friends. Especially over a rift that YOU were the cause of.

    A Horseface character has to be in this, right? Let’s find out.

    So Toby and Crusty — or should we just use their actual names: Tony and Justin Silverman, are dressed as Gilligan and the Skipper from Gilligan’s Island. More plagiarism and more mindless attacks on Tony and Justin. I don’t even know what the joke is. Maybe he’ll explain. It’s also not explained which one is Gilligan and which one is the Skipper.

    Nothing is capitalised, by the way. Like the first word of a sentence of proper nouns. Maybe that’s just the style.

    Oh, look at this awful, unnatural, unfunny, awkward, stilted dialogue.

    Tony: the chick on the phone said they were out this way. even said and I quote. “its way ways out in the middle of nothing at all’

    Justin: got that right. You know this area is called the land version of the Bermuda Triangle.

    Tony: this is Pennsylvania

    Justin: its still a “sylvania”. spooky scary shit happens out here man. you know this state has a town called intercourse and one called blue balls. and they are right up near each other.

    None of this comes out of anywhere. None of this is organic. It’s all just stupid sexual “jokes” shoehorned in.

    And “it’s still a sylvania”? How is that even going to be spoken? People won’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. There wasn’t even a reference to Transylvania first.

    Newt. This is dog shit. Do I have to read the next 66 pages? By the way, I believe that movie scripts are typically 90 pages at a minimum. One page a minute. Is that right? Let me look this up.

    Yeah. The average movie script is 90 to 120 pages. That accords with the average length of a movie.

    So this is going to be 67 minutes of shit. Well, less is more when it comes to this dogshit.

    Also, Justin calls Tony “little buddy” so Justin must be the Skipper character.

    Just look at this:

    “when are we friggen not. oh and not for notta. but dont blame me. you okay’d the price of this 3 hour tour. undercut our competition to such a degree I doubt we see a red cent .trucking in the keystone states devils triangle. with a buncha gnarly ass spooky cargo in the way back”

    I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S TRYING TO BE CONVEYED.

    I’ve not left anything out. I’m still on the second fucking page. The first page of dialogue. What the fuck is this? This is trash. He shit this out in a day and it shows.

    In case you’re unaware what Newt is plagiarising from, for the benefit of non-American readers, the “three hour tour” thing is a reference to the 1960s tv show Gilligan’s Island. Keystone State…is is the nickname of Pennsylvania? I assume so. Devil’s Triangle is a reference to the Bermuda Triangle. No capitalisation or apostrophe use makes an already confusing script even more difficult to read. “Not for notta” means “not for nothing”. That took me a while to figure out and I’ve been speaking English for a good while.

    Newt, this is dogshit.

    Then there’s a cut to the distant relative of Frankestein with the appaling line, “these collection calls will not stop me. nor my unquenchable thirst for unlocking the great mysteries of science. Beware; for I am fearless, and therefore powerful”.

    Newt. Stop this. Stop this immediately and do something proper with your life. This is a fucking sick joke. It’s a sick joke on your own life.

    None of this is even grammatically correct. I get that he’s trying to make her speak in ye olde English or whatever but it’s just Ye Olde Dogshit. This is a complete fucking disaster. Can you believe that these whores said that this was GOOD?

    Newt. There are no amount of rewrites that can improve this. It’s shit. Every page is going to be shit. I just know it. Throw it out and do something productive with your life.

    Oh look at this. Very next line is Justin saying, “you take a peak at any of it”. “PEEK”, you retard. And it’s not…I know he’s trying to write like how people speak or at least how he speaks. But would somebody not start the sentence with “DID”?

    Then Justin says, “so what you see”. He’s asking a question. “So what DID you see?” What’s Newt’s beef with the word “did”? What’s Newt’s beef with the English language?

    Justin says, “zip it…well 1st tell me what was in those crates. then shut all the fuck the way up”

    First of all, he writes “first” as “1st” because he’s a fucking retard and trying to shave ever second he can off of actually writing this. Secondly…what? “Shut all the fuck the way up.” Who the fuck speaks like this? ANYBODY? The use of language isn’t even clever. It’s baffling. This is like a fucking mental patient wrote this.

    That mentally ill Korean murderer who wrote Richard McBeef for an assignment in college wrote a more sensible and coherent script than this complete fucking dogshit of Newt’s. And English wasn’t even his native language.

    How much have I written so far? Oh fuck. I’m not going to get through 67 pages in one article. Newt Week will have to continue.

    Justin says, “well. thats why i get to wear the little captain hat. getting other people to do our work. or half assing the job has paid off pretty well for us in the past my portly chum bucket”

    This whole script is just Newt’s petty revenge against Justin Silverman and Tony from Hack the Movies. For Newt plagiarising 20 scripts.

    Somebody PAID MONEY for this. For this derranged, horribly-written revenge script. And that person wants this complete piece of shit turned into a movie starring literal whores.

    Tony says, “well ill be dipped in shit” as in “Well, I’ll be damned”. What is this? He’s ripping off James Rolfe’s scat fetish now? It was just a weird excuse to shoehorn another painfully unfunny joke in here.

    Then there’s a sudden shift, (that was all taking place in a van, by the way) to a castle. And Newt says, “Obvious shot from an old Roger Corman movie of a gothic manor.”

    He’s giving production notes, or whatever the term might be, telling you which movies he wants to PLAGIARISE from. And he goes with Roger Corman because he died recently and it’s fresh in Newt’s mind. This is unbelievably bad. Why is this guy so obsessed with plagiarism? I mean…there wasn’t even a need for this. He could have just said, “Shot of a gothic manor.” Why does it have to be a PLAGIARISED shot of a gothic manor?

    So now we’re introduced to Dr Pierce Lemlie, the distant relative of Dr Frankenstein. The name is presumably a satirical pun that’s beyond my tiny-brained understanding. She’s assisted by Shegore, who’s a plagiarised Igor character described as, “A beautiful woman aside from the Hunchback eye and one way larger breast.”

    It’s like a fifth grader wrote this. A fifth grader who’s not a good student. “Way larger”…what a fucking…let’s move on.

    So Justin and Tony see this woman with the “way larger” breast and we get:

    Tony: would yah get a load of this freak show

    Justin: would you ?

    Tony: oh 100 percent. look at me. you think I got standards

    Justin: I would think the same for any lass willing to lay with a slob like you

    So we have Newt using Reddit’s pathetic term of “slobs” in reference to the Screenwave guys as he continues to ham-fistedly insult his former friends because he plagiared 20 scripts for Monster Madness.

    Newt, you’re the biggest fucking piece of shit on earth.

    Then Tony insults Justin’s weight in this script. Justin insults Tony’s weight. Then Tony says something curious. “oh no. not at orgy castle. Please….no…anything but that….jack ass”

    You might be thinking, “Wait…did they set up that this is an ‘orgy castle’”? Of course they didn’t. There was nothing in the script to indicate that this was an “orgy castle”. Just a regular old castle. The orgy-less variety. But Tony, from out of nowhere, calls it an “orgy castle” simply because he sees this Igor character with the one “way bigger” breast.

    Newt, this is shit, and you’re shit.

    Justin then says, “go unload the fucking back”

    NOBODY TALKS LIKE THIS. They’re talking about the back of the van. Alright? Would you describe unloading the back of the van in this manner? Of course not. Nobody would. You would say “unload the VAN”. This script is FULL of bizzare mangling of the English language. He’s trying to do some dialect, I guess, but it’s a dialect of somebody with no familiarity with the English language. It’s a dialect that doesn’t exist.

    Tony turns to Shegore as he’s trying to “unload the back” and says, “so umm…lil hand would be super”

    NOBODY talks like this. But the reason he said “hand” instead of “help” is to set up the completely unfunny, unoriginal, mindless “joke” where Shegore starts clapping. Why would Shegore even do that? Why is Shegore an asshole to Tony for no reason?

    Because this is how Newt thinks. Newt is an asshole to people for no reason.

    Tony: doctor miss…what. if you dont mind me asking is in…

    Shegore: she does

    I didn’t leave any important context out. There is no important context. Tony is asking what’s in the crate that they’re hauling out of “the back” and Shegore says “she does”. She does…what? What is this an answer to? It’s an answer to nothing. Newt is on another fucking planet. None of this even makes sense. I’d say that it’s a typo of some sort but the whole fucking script is like this.

    How is Newt not embarrassed to show shit like this? And he has HUNDREDS of these completely nonsensical tits and gore scripts that make NO FUCKING SENSE. Full of spelling errors. Full of grammar errors. And just…logical errors. It’s like people are just saying random words. I’ve never seen anything even approaching as bad as this is.

    I get that some people aren’t very good at writing. Spelling, grammar, unimaginative content, I can forgive all of that. But this is…it doesn’t even make sense. This is just the spiteful ramblings of a lunatic who can’t get over the fact that he was rightly fired for grossly unprofessional conduct. This is the sort of thing that the crazy guy yelling on the street would write. And he has hundreds of these and he thinks that they’re good.

    Tony and Justin leave, heavily winded. Shegore makes a series of bizarre, insulting comments to them. Dr Frankenstein’s relative says that it’s time to “science”. Then suddenly Dr Frankenstein’s relative is in bondage gear for some reason. There’s a lot of detail on what she’s wearing.

    Then Dr Frankenstein, in this bondage gear, pulls back a sheet and reveals a topless woman. Her breast size, oddly, is not mentioned.

    Then suddenly we see…other…creatures. Why? I don’t know. Nothing is explained. Just suddenly other creatures appear. One second she’s at this topless cadaver about to do…something…and the next second some other creatures are revealed.

    There’s Photog, an ape with a camera for a head.

    There’s Fritz, a 40 year old lab assistant in a horror movie shirt and a lab coat. I guess that this is the character that Newt wants to play.

    Then there’s Saphire, “a tall redhead in tight skirt and crop top”.

    Uh huh. Horseface.

    These three people say that they’re confused. You’re not the only ones.

    Then Dr Frankenstein’s relative goes into a monologue, out of nowhere, of course, saying that her family has been hunted for generations.

    In response to this, Fritz says, “we live in a castle.” Total non sequitur. This piece of shit “script” is full of them.

    Then Dr Frankenstein’s relative says, “when momma is up here. and she putting on the ritz. the lips go” and Fritz, presumably finishing this nonsensical sentence, says “zip”. Dr Frankenstein’s relative continues the nonsensical sentence saying “the ears go”. Shegore says “perked”.

    Newt, this is the single worst thing that I’ve ever read in my life and I’m not exaggerating. Please stop all of this. It’s not bad in a good way. It’s bad in a, “This guy needs intervention by professionals” kind of way.

    I have to stop here. I’m on the top of page 12. I’ll try to continue tomorrow if I can stomach this shit.

    , , ,

  • Newt’s Discord

    I was checking out Newt’s Discord. Here’s one of the rules, written by PVC Bondage Guy:

    In general, please avoid mentioning Cinemassacre/”Retroware”/AVGN/Hack the Movies/especially the CinemassacreTruth subreddit. I know we have our jokes, and sometimes Newt’s the one bringing it up, but this shit was like two years ago now. We’ve been trying to move on, and randomly talking about people who have caused a lot of pain in Newt’s life is, frankly speaking, extremely rude. We know a lot of you still watch them, and Newt has said that he’ll never ask you to stop, but that doesn’t mean their news needs to be brought up here. That goes double for the livestreams.

    What a fucking victim Newt is. HE’S THE CAUSE OF ALL OF THE PROBLEMS! Like somebody forced this piece of shit to plagiarise 20 scripts for Monster Madness. No. That was his bright idea.

    You also can’t be “transphobic” or “homophobic.”

    Newt posts a screenshot of some Youtube analytics showing that…I don’t even know…he was allegedly shadowbanned and lost subscribers but now he’s gaining subscribers again. Who gives a shit?

    God, I keep getting fucking annoying notifications. Newt and the ladyboys are sending me messages welcoming me to the Discord. Newt. I’m trying to fucking do some journalistic research here. I don’t want to talk to you degenerates. Fuck off.

    Oh, there’s a draft of Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls here. Newt asks for feedback. Well, there’s another article for me.

    You know, as big as a piece of shit as Newt is, I don’t want to engage in uncover journalism, posing as a ladyboy, exposing the no doubt disgusting bullshit that goes on in his Discord. I’m feeling nauseous just from these creepy notifications that I keep getting from Newt and the ladyboys. Fuck off with this.

    The “tv” section of the Discord is overwhelmingly cartoons. These are some real retards. Creepy retarded ladyboys.

    There are names here like “Sparkle Scarzilla”. It’s a self-injury name. Mentally ill girls who cut themselves. It’s mostly girls, anyway. Most people outgrow it. I assume that Sparkle Scarzilla is over 18. Some guys who are trying to pick up chicks who cut themselves will also indulge. It’s not a bad strategy, really. Girls who cut themselves probably outnumber guys 10 to 1. It’s good odds.

    There’s a “hotties” section here but it’s a lot of pictures of the people who post there. Dudes. Weird, creepy, bald, bearded, fat, middle aged, sexless dudes, many of whom probably wear dresses.

    There are also a lot of pictures of attractive or “attractive” male celebrities. This is clearly homosexual men posting pictures of guys who they find attractive for the consumption of other homosexual men.

    Some ladyboy posts a picture of Newt with the caption, “The Master and Commander of Schlock and Awe himself… NEWT WALLEN!!!! aka Adam Stardust, aka Walt Jizzney, aka Mr. Jiggle Daddy, AKA Rumpleforeskin!!”

    It’s gay. These people are CLEARLY gay. As is Newt.

    That Sparkle lunatic posted disgusting pictures of damage to her chest that a heart monitor apparently did to her. It’s just her thing. She likes posting pictures of her injuries and self-injury scars and whatever. Fuck off. Help is available. Don’t inflict this shit on others. Simply saying “trigger warning” doesn’t negate anything. Take your “trigger warning” and shove it up your scarred-up ass. Attention-seeking bitch.

    There’s a section for wrestling shit. Boring. Just pictures. Homoerotic pictures.

    And there’s a section for Dungeons & Dragons. Not much in there, though.

    Newt says, “Most people tend to just wanna be around when I’m making shit”. Yeah. Figure it out, Newt. They’re whores.

    “Seeing pics of exs an their bfs or people living. As I grind 3 jobs. It’s just really left me feeling low”

    He’s talking about Horseface posting a picture of her nerd-bro boyfriend. Almost all of Newt’s comments are just about how depressed he is and people should pity him.

    The most inspirational quote from a video game (not a medium known for its philosophical insights) that I ever got was from Animal Crossing on the Gamecube. I was walking around, collecting bugs and whatnot, when I spoke to one of the animal villagers. They said something like, “Sometimes even when you do your best, you still fail.”

    I found comfort in this, which is why I still remember is 25 years later. Because you’re always told, “If you stick with it, eventually you’ll succeed. Winners don’t quit. Keep fucking that chicken.” Whatever.

    But it’s not true and that’s dangerous advice and totally disingenuous advice. How many people want to be big movie stars and how many actually succeed? Whatever you want to do, there needs to come a point where you say, “This isn’t going to work. I’m not suited to this. I have to come up with a new plan for my life.”

    Life is a series of compromises. Ten years ago, do you think that Erin wanted to make $6,000 a year, entertaining retards, and crying in the bathtub of a man she doesn’t love? She made a series of compromises on her dreams in order to reach that stage.

    Newt needs to do the same. He needs to face reality. This idea that he’s a great writer and filmmaker is 100% delusion. Stop all of this shit. Get rid of the whores. Stop the Youtube channel. Just focus on your job, your health, and getting into a healthy relationship.