Gamer Girls

I’ve been reading this “script” the past few days and I realised that as little sense as it makes to me, it would make even less sense to somebody who doesn’t get all of these inside references about Newt’s life. Way less sense. And it already doesn’t make sense.

Who is this thing written for? The handful of people who know about Newt’s weird obsessions? It’s ridiculous. This has no appeal at all.

The Newt character just suddenly says, “so hey. not to be capin bring down. but are we just not gonna address the ethical, exploitation and autonomy of womens bodies element of this story.”

This must the “satire” of “sex workers” that he promised. Just shoehorned in from out of nowhere and with a nod to his terrible writing. And in response to this, Dr Lemlie says, “my advice. as a doctor. is dont stress it too much. if we think to hard about anything in this story it all pretty much falls apart.”

So he’s again admitting that the script is total shit. Which it is. It’s got to be the worst fucking thing that I’ve ever read. Why is he doing this? This is what a fucking retard would write. And he has dozens or hundreds of these scripts that he shat out in a day that are presumably WORSE than this one. Because he’s proud of this one. All of his whore “friends” said that it was great.

Then Fritz/Newt asks what the “end game” of this is. Some character named Lona, who I think is Werewolf Big Tits says “more sexy lady monsters.” Then it’s immediately more animated intros for “sexy” monsters.

We’ve got Michael Meyers Big Tits, Alien Big Tits, and, oddly, Lucha Libre Big Tits. Not sure how that last one is a monster. Or the alien for that matter. But he obviously got desperate. “Just find a Mexican whore and put a wrestling mask on her.”

God, these are really disappointing. Even by the absolute shit standards of the script. We had vampire, mummy, and werewolf for the first wave of “sexy” monsters. Now we’ve got Michael Meyers (a man), an alien, and a Mexican wrestler.

I know that he already used the big ones but what about the Creature from the Black Lagoon, The Invisible Woman, and a zombie? I know that The Invisible Woman would require more special effects but just don’t ever unwrap her. This way, you can give her giant, exaggerated tits down to her waist because you never have to reveal who the actor is. It can be a dude playing the character.

And sure, The Invisible Woman and the Mummy are conceptually similar. They’re bother wrapped in bandages. But The Invisible Woman would be dressed in, whatever, 1930s attire whereas the Mummy is dressed in ancient Egyptian attire.

“hey. has anyone seen the redhead lately”

It just comes out of nowhere, of course.

Then there’s a scene change to a tv news anchor saying that Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls’ stock price has gone up. Because apparently Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls, which started as a privately-owned website by Dr Whatever, has gone public. I don’t think that Newt has the foggiest idea how economics works.

Then we cut to Ryan Schott saying, “WHY ME…WHY MUST I SUFFER. CANT THEY SEE HOW I…A RICH WHITE MALE AM THE MOST PERECUTED OF ALL PEOPLES IN THESE UNITED STATES..”

“Persecute”, presumably. But here’s just Newt shoehorning racist bullshit in here to show that he’s down with the homies. And the grammar, as usual, is awful.

Then the Horseface character promises Ryan Schott that if he makes her famous, she’ll give pictures that she took of the castle. How…I have so many questions.

First of all, she was already popular on social media. That’s why Dr Whoever took her in.

Secondly, how did her fame help the monster porn site AT ALL? It’s never explained.

Thirdly, why did Dr Whoever take her in, this person who she apparently didn’t know, if not to somehow gain some kind of advantage?

Fourthly, how are these pictures even going to help?

Fifthly, if Horseface isn’t famous, how is Ryan Schott going to make her famous?

These questions and a billion more are not going to be answered because this script doesn’t make one iota of sense.

Then suddenly, Justin Silverman and Tony are captured by Ryan Schott. Nothing is explained, of course. Why do they even want to capture them?

One of Ryan Schott’s henchmen says that he wants Justin and Tony to lead them to the castle. But that’s what fucking Horseface was negotiating for. Horseface was promising to lead them to the castle. Why do they need THREE people to do this? One is enough.

And then even though Justin and Tony were captured by these violent thugs of Ryan Schott, these thugs offer large sums of money to Justin and Tony to tell them where they castle is. WHY WOULDN’T THEY JUST THREATEN AND TORTURE THEM?

You’ve captured somebody. Alright? You’re a thug. And you want to find out the location of a big drug stash or something. This person knows where the drug stash is. You have them tied to a chair. Are you going to say, “Hey, if you tell me where it is, I’ll give you $10,000” or are you going to get the fucking pliers?

Then there’s suddenly a montage of “sexy” monsters getting dressed and undressed.

Somehow, the monsters find out that Horseface gave the information about their castle to Ryan Schott. And for the second time, Newt uses the joke that she “Lando’d ” them. Two times. Two times in the same script. He thought it was so hilarious that he’s use it twice.

Who even is this Horseface character? Why did Dr Whoever befriend her or whatever the fuck the relationship was? What was gained from any of this by either party? Horseface has a big social media following so…what? What came of that? How did that help Dr Whoever IN ANY WAY? And what was in this for Horseface?

They’re talking about how Horseface knows all of their secrets. HOW? I think that she was only at the castle briefly. The other monsters there didn’t even know she was. I gather that she was only there for a few hours at the most.

Then suddenly Ryan Schott, Horseface, Tony, and Justin are at Dr Whoever’s castle. I’m not sure why Tony and Justin are there. They weren’t needed in the end. Even though they were offered all of that money for the location of the castle. Because they got the location from Horseface instead. But somehow, Tony and Justin are going to be used as human shields now. Who the fuck knows? This is all nonsense. Nothing is explained. It’s all illogical bullshit written by a retard.

Ryan Schott offers to have sex with Horseface.

Then we shift to a livestream of the “sexy” monsters doing “sexy” things. They’re all the original “sexy” monsters, by the way. Not the ones that they introduced halfway through the movie and then did nothing with. You know, Michael Meyers, the alien, and the Mexican wrestler. Those characters went nowhere. As quickly as they appeared, they left.

Then a few pages later, for reasons that I can’t explain, Ryan Schott and the gang are in the forest looking for the castle. WEREN’T THEY JUST AT THE CASTLE?

Then they find the castle. Again, I think. And go in this time.

Werewolf Big Tits attacks them but Justin throws a ball at it and it goes and chases it. That old gag that’s been done a billion times, plagiarised once more for your enjoyment.

One of Ryan Schott’s monster hunters kills the ape with a camera for a head. That character went absolutely nowhere. None of these characters did. If you’re hoping for characters arcs and redemptions and…no. This is not the movie for you. This is a movie for people who want a lot of illogical, unfunny, retarded bullshit that doesn’t make any sense.

Mummy Big Tits kills one of the totally forgetable monster hunters. I think.

Newt keeps mentioning something called a “walkie”. As in walkie talkie? A radio? What the fuck is this?

Horseface dies to some unknown thing. I think. It’s explained in two sentences.

One of the monster hunters kills Mummy Big Tits, exploding her face in a puff of sand and then says, “still got it.” He plagiarised this joke from a Simpsons Halloween episode which was a parody of The Omega Man where Homer punches a long-dead man whose head explodes in a puff of sand and then says, “Still got it.”

One of the monster hunters is then immediately killed by Frankenstein Big Tits.

Vampire big tits kills what I think is the last totally forgetable monster hunter.

Then Frankenstein Big Tits and Vampire Big Tits start kissing.

Ryan Schott kills Justin and Tony for some reason. Nothing is explained, of course. There’s no setup to anything. It’s just stuff randomly happening.

Ryan Scott reaches Dr Whatever. Horseface is now captured by Igor Big Tits. Nothing is explained. Just stuff happening.

Ryan Schott tells Dr Whatever to let Horseface go because Ryan Schott wants to “loose” his virginity to her. Implying rape. Newt wrote a script about raping Horseface.

Frankenstein Big Tits, Werewolf Big Tits, and Vampire Big Tits suddenly appeal. They start surrounding Ryan Schott. I guess that Igor Big Tits is also there but I don’t know.

Horseface says that her plan worked. Two more references to Lando. It’s not explained what the fuck her plan was or what the fuck is going on.

Swords are drawn. “then out of nowhere blake swings a sword lopping off sloans head”.

Sloan is the Ryan Schott character. You might be asking who Blake is. I DON’T KNOW! I think it was one of the unknown henchmen of Ryan Schott. Apparently they weren’t all killed. But just for reasons that aren’t explained, this character who we don’t even know, killed Ryan Schott for reasons that nobody knows.

Then Blake asks to “join their team”. He picks up Ryan Schott’s severed head and says, “what do you say huh…can I join your team…look….im giving head on camera”. So that bizarre, nonsensical, unsatisfying ending was just to shoehorn another unfunny sex pun in here.

Then the characters say that this was anti-climactic. More “jokes” about how Newt can’t write.

Then there’s a “sexy” monster montage.

Then for some reason Fritz/Newt legally changes Dr Whatever’s name to Dr Frankenstein. Newt, let me explain something to you. The person who wants their name changed has to be the person who does it. You can’t change somebody else’s name without their permission.

And Blake somehow made it so Dr Whatever now owns Screenwave. How? It’s not explained. NOTHING is explained. EVER.

Horseface tries to sneak out even though this is now at least a few hours since Ryan Schott was killed. Igor Big Tits says, “oh yeah. what do we do about little ms 6 foot baby giraffe over there”. More bizarre insults for Horseface and it’s just Newt being self-conscious about his height. Little Man Syndrome.

Then Dr Frankenstein says not to worry about Horseface, she’ll be dealt with in “part 2”.

The script ends with a “sexy” monster montage.

Newt, there is not going to be a part 2. There’s not going to be a part 1. There is no godly way that this total piece of shit is ever going to be made.

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE that those whores told him that this was good? And that he believed it? To call this total dogshit is an affront to dogshit.

WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE SATIRE? He promised us satire about “toxic masculinity” and “draining the last drops of an IP” and “sex workers having agency over their own bodies.” THERE WAS NONE OF THAT.

Nothing even made sense. Nothing was set up. It was just random shit happening with no explanation.

And even with those loose rules where you can do whatever you want at any time, it STILL wasn’t funny. Not even a tiny bit. Ever.

He was shoehorning jokes in there but not a single one of them was worth reading. And a lot of them were plagiarised.

He introduced those monster characters like the Mexican Wrestler and then LITERALLY did nothing with them. They weren’t mentioned again. It was just, “Here’s our new group of monsters” and then gone. As soon as they’re introduced, they’re gone.

The end is just people randomly getting killed by random people. Nothing is explained. No set up. Certainly nothing even remotely clever is going on. It’s just people magically getting transported to places so that they can quickly kill a character.

He has hundreds of these scripts. I can’t believe it. And what’s even more baffling is that he honestly thinks that these are GOOD.

This is so far from good…it’s on the opposite universe of good. The finite mind cannot comprehend how infinitely bad this script is. And yet these fucking whores had the audacity to tell him that this was good AND HE BELIEVED IT.

Even for a script shit out in one day this was fucking dog shit. I expect a script written in one day to at least MAKE SENSE.

Newt, listen to what I’m telling you. You want constructive criticism, here it is. Take this script, move it to the recycle bin of your computer, right click, and click “empty recycle bin.” There is nothing worth salvaging here. Every page, every word, was shit. What the fuck are you possibly thinking?

This is not for you. You have no talent AT ALL for writing scripts. It’s fine. Who cares about writing scripts? Do something else with your time. Make the Youtube videos. I don’t give a shit. But this script writing needs to stop. You’re completely delusional. You need professional help.

Let’s continue our slog through this dreck.

Dr Lemlie: right where was i….

Horseface: your family was forced to change their name

Shegore: whos she

Fritz yeah i was wondering the same

Photog: i thought she was with you

Horseface: im sapphire

Dr Lemlie: oh right. yeah thats sapphire

Fritz: but whos sapphire

Horseface: me

It’s worse than any school play. These three people appear OUT OF NOWHERE while Dr Lemlie is about to do something with a cadaver. You’d think that the two people with Horseface/Sapphire would know who she is. But even if they don’t…oh, god it’s the worst fucking dialogue ever written.

So Dr Lemlie/Dr Frankenstein’s distant relative says, “sweet new born baby jesus. can we just let me exposition drop this shit please…so we can move on with the fucking plot. I assure you it will all make sense….well…kinda”

He makes a joke of his terrible writing ability.

So then Dr Lemlie just starts describing who these people are. But…WOULDN’T THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE?

You’re going to work. You have a co-worker named Bill. You and Bill have worked there for five years. You know each other. Then your boss comes in and says, “This is Bill. He works in accounts. And you’re Robert. You work in IT.” It makes no fucking sense. Who is this introduction for?

So Dr Lemlie is introducting Fritz to people who already know who Fritz is AND to Fritz himself. And Dr Lemlie says, “what you lack in intellect and physical attractiveness you more than make up for with….ummm…hmmm. ill get back to you on that”.

“fritz turns to photog and puts his hands apart as if to show he has a large penis. he smiles a smug smile then goes for a high 5”

Fritz is supposed to be Newt.

Then Sapphire/Horseface says “and sapphire.”

I didn’t leave anything out. Directly after Dr Lemlie introduces Fritz TO HIMSELF, Sapphire then says “and sapphire.”

Now, if she said, and I’M sapphire” that wouldn’t make much logical sense but it would at least make grammatical sense. Simply saying “and sapphire” makes no sense at all, logically, grammatically, anything.

So then Dr Lemlie says, “oh my god sapphire. not everything is about you….fuuuuccccck.”

It’s a reference to Horseface being self-obsessed. Then there’s a stage direction that says, “sapphire gets bitch face then raises a cup of expensive designer coffee.” Horseface does that sort of thing on Twitter. She’ll post pictures of her with a coffee.

Newt expects to win Horseface back with this shit? This fucking psycotic bullshit that’s constantly insulting her? What is the point of this? What’s the goal here?

I remind you that a retarded man PAID for this script. This script that’s just Newt’s HORRIBLY-written revenge script against people who stopped talking to him after he plagiarised 20 scripts for Monster Madness.

Then Dr Lemlie says, “so dont know if you all realized it or not but we are pretty much flat on our ass broke.”

These people all, apparently, live in this castle. Alright? The castle is in Pennsylvania, which raises its own set of questions. But the question that I’m still unsure of is why didn’t these other people, who all live together in the castle, know who Sapphire/Horseface was? It’s not explained. This is complete and total dogshit.

Photog asks if Dr Lemlie is going to “loose” the castle as a result of her debts.

So these monsters or whatever the fuck they are are concerned that they’re going to have to find new places to live if Dr Lemlie “looses” the castle. Because she has a lot of bills. It’s not explained what the bills are for. Nothing is explained in this fucking piece of shit. So Dr Lemlie says, “wait…were you all here for my money. thats super lame…and not for nothing. kinda sobering.”

It’s a reference to Newt not liking how his prostitute “friends” only spend time with him when he’s paying them. Newt…that’s the fucking deal. If you want friends, get real friends, not whores. Whores are whores. Friends are friends. Never the twain shall meet.

But from the perspective of the script it makes NO SENSE. Of course it doesn’t. Nothing does.

These are people who live in the castle. Alright? They’re afraid of becoming homeless if Dr Lemlie “looses” the castle. That’s a perfectly valid concern. But Dr Lemlie, for some unknown reason, finds this personally offensive like they’re just using her for money. No, you fucking idiot. THEY LIVE THERE. THEY WORK THERE. It’s not a charity. They’re not leeching off of you. You created some of these people.

Photog: you made me in a lab. I am like a declawed cat….kinda couldnt make it on my own even if I wanted to

Dr Lemlie: no…see these occult items. they dont cost money

Sapphire: but you literally just said they did. this is stupid. your all stupid.

WHAT OCCULT ITEMS? WHERE DID SHE SAY THAT THEY COST MONEY? NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE.

And it’s “you’re”, Newt. “You’re” an idiot who could not write a coherent script to save his miserable life.

Newt showed this script to various whores who all said that it was good. He showed THIS and they said that it was good. Indeed, this is the second draft. So he showed them the first draft which, presumably, was even worse than this. And they said, “Yeah, this is good, Newt. Go with it.”

You’d have to be a fucking retard to believe that. These women just want to get paid and they’ll say anything.

This is also the script that Newt said was full of satire about toxic masculinity. WHERE? All I’m seeing is complete nonsense and attacks on Tony, Justin Silverman, and Crystal “Horseface” Quin.

Then, for no reason at all, Sapphire/Horseface starts taking pictures of herself, and says “for the insta…IM SO FUCKING HOT”. It’s insulting Horseface but what the fuck does it have to do with the script? How does it fit AT ALL? She just suddenly starts taking pictures of herself from out of nowhere.

Then Dr Lemlie says that the reason that Sapphire/Horseface is here is because she has a big following on social media and Dr Lemlie is going to create sexy monsters to make money on social media. How are the two at all related? So Sapphire lives in the castle because…she has a big social media following? But she apparently only moved in recently because she doesn’t know that the castle doesn’t have wifi. That was some weird line that I didn’t mention.

So…Sapphire/Horseface is living in the castle…she just moved there recently…and the reason why Dr Lemlie apparently invited Sapphire/Horseface to live there is because she has a big social media following. Why did Sapphire/Horseface choose to live in the castle? What’s in it for her? For that matter, what’s in it for Dr Lemlie? How is Horseface’s social media following going to help the “sexy” monsters and their social media presence? Newt. None of this makes sense. Do you understand? This is garbage.

Dr Lemlie says, “men are filthy little perverts who of course will wanna see naked lady wolf man.”

This is all part of Dr Lemlie’s plan to make money from selling nudes of “sexy” monsters on an OnlyFans type site. I still don’t know how Sapphire/Horseface fits into any of this but let’s move on. And it’s revealed that the reason Dr Lemlie is in debt is because she was sued. It’s not explained about what.

Fritz, the Newt character, is offended by this charactarisation so Dr Lemlie says that Frizt/Newt is an exception. So Fritz/Newt ISN’T a pervert.

In response to this, Fritz/Newt says, “well…you know. some men are extroverts. some men are introverts. i
myself am a pervert. and more than a bit intrigued by this notion of a sexy lady werewolf…some would say im….LYCAN this idea”

So at first Fritz/Newt is offended at being called a pervert. And then he immediately boasts about being a pervert. And this had absolutely nothing to do with extroverts or introverts. It was just a way to shoehorn another unfunny, illogical sex pun into this.

I mean…he’s offended at being called pervert and then immediately calls himself a pervert. It makes no fucking sense.

Newt misspells “altar” as “alter”. REPEATEDLY. He’s a real dope.

Then there’s just immediately a montage of the monsters being created. What’s the motivation for them being created? I don’t know. They want to make money from OnlyFans to pay a bill after they apparently lost a lawsuit and somehow Sapphire/Horseface’s big social media presence will aid in this.

Then Dr Lemlie says, “they’re alive…they’re alive…live nude monsters.”

I think that’s the end of the first act. This is the worst fucking thing ever written.

Then Dr Lemlie is suddenly in front of some stage about to introduce the monsters. Where’s the stage? In the castle or…I don’t know.

Each monster gets their own animated intro in a “groovie ghoules” (sic) vibe. So more explicit plagiarism from The Ideas Man.

Then we see the “sexy” monsters. There’s a big-titted mummy. There’s a big-titted werewolf. There’s a big-titted Frankenstein’s monster. There’s a big-titted vampire. They have painfully unfunny pun names. This is so satirical.

Then we’re at an office that’s described as being “below a dentists (sic) office”. Screenwave shares the same office complex as a dentist’s office.

“there we meet SLOAN VAN HELSING. a chubby little Weasley 30 something with long greasy hair”

This is Ryan Schott. In Newt’s warped mind, Ryan is an evil supervillain…for firing Newt for plagiarising 20 Monster Madness scripts.

It’s said that Sloan was left the company by his father. Same as Ryan Schott. Sloan is playing a video game and says, “look at those electrons. thats right SON. get you some.” It’s a reference to the “electrons move through reality” “meme” that the fags on Reddit drive into the ground.

The script says that three other people in the office but Newt lists four other people.

Winchester- older stern but beautiful militant woman
Mignola- balding chubby tech nerd
Cushing- bearded man with an eyepatch
Blake-optimistic professional younger female

I don’t know who these people are supposed to be. Maybe one of them is Kieran.

By the way, the office is called MEB, which stands for Monsters Enabling Hunters. But…the business that they seem to be in is CLEARLY Youtube…whatever Screenwave does. And it’s video game-focused.

Then there’s a few pages where…I don’t even know what was happening. These three (or was it four?) people were telling the Ryan Schott character that he has to defeat these monsters. I don’t know why. I’m sure that it was thoroughly explained, though. Newt is all about logical story-telling.

Then we’re back to Frankenstein’s castle…in Pennsylvania, where Dr…whoever is sending lightning though the “sexy” Frankenstein’s monster, who has neck bolts for nipples. She’s aroused by this. Mummy Big Tits is stripping for Newt/Fritz. Then Dr Whoever uploads the footage to the Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls website. Somebody was apparently filming this but it’s not stated who.

The counter to the website instantly starts going up.

We see a nerd at his computer visitng the site, horny.

Then there’s girl/girl action between Vampire Big Tits and Werewolf Big Tits. Vampire says, “what do you call this?” Werewolf says “doggy style”. You know…because lesbians…it doesn’t make sense. It was just an excuse to shoehorn a nonsensical, unfunny pun in.

When you think of lesbians do you think of doggy style sex? Newt…there’s no fucking penis involved. Do you understand the mechanics of sex and human anatomy? Sure, one of the ladies could get a strap on but first of all, that’s not even what the script is suggesting is happening. According to the script, they’re KISSING. Secondly, doggy style is NOT closely associated with lesbian sex.

You’d want to make a LESBIAN unfunny pun in there. Something about licking pussy or scissoring or something closely associated with LESBIAN sex.

Here’s my idea. You’ve got Vampire Big Tits going down on Werewolf Big tits, right? And Vampire Big Tits says, “God, you really need to clean up down here. Ever hear of a razor?” Get it? Because werewolves are hairy so probably the pussy isn’t so well-groomed. It’s a joke about lesbian monsters. A joke that makes sense in the context. I didn’t just shoehorn some unfunny, unrelated bullshit in there.

Sapphire/Horseface makes a brief appearance in the script. What exactly was her function again? She had a big social media presence. How did that help this monster porn site? It didn’t seem to use her social media presence AT ALL but it still took off.

Then the “sexy” monsters are in a car wash, washing cars nude. This is Newt ripping off Bikini Car Wash Company. And why are they suddenly washing cars? It’s not explained, of course. It’s just an excuse for Newt/Fritz to say, “i think I just creamated”.

Then we’re back to Ryan Schott’s office. He’s angry at the success of this monster porn site. Why? I get that Van Helsing, who the character is based on, hunted monsters but is that it? Can we get some motivation for the character?

“All be it” instead of “albeit”.

Then suddenly Horseface/Sapphire is in the shower recreating the Psycho scene with Mummy Big Tits. They start fondling each other’s breasts. Not even joking. It’s in the script.

Now we get the motivation for Ryan wanting to destroy the monsters. In butchered English, of course. “a solid number of our usual ad revenue is now going to them”

Somehow, Newt, with a peculiar understanding of economics, thinks that since the monster porn site is doing so well, that means that the Youtube channels that Ryan runs will make less money.

Did I mention that this was written in one day?

“Loose” for lose” yet again. He gets it wrong every single time. “Lap top” for “laptop” causes problems for him too.

Then we’re back to more monster porn scenes. Again, no reason. It’s just random monster porn scenes. It’s not advancing the plot in any way. What plot is there to even advance?

So Ryan is angry that the monster porn site is doing so well. Suddenly Horseface/Sapphire appears in his office. Check out this totally clear dialogue.

Ryan: I want the location. I want my revenge

Horseface: I think I can help you with that

Ryan: who the shit are you

Horseface: your candy corn

Was this a pun or satire that I just didn’t get? Or was it just more bullshit that doesn’t make any sense written by a lunatic?

I’m about halfway done. I’ll stop here for now. Bottom of page 35.

Well, Newt Wallen Week continues here at the Gamer Girls Blog. Newt posted his Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls, script that he shat out in a day on his Discord and invited feedback. Ideas Man, in many ways, you’ve saved the blog so I’m happy to provide some feedback.

This is the second draft. He probably spent a few minutes on it.

This looks like it was typed on a typewriter. He obviously used some font that makes it look like typewriter letters. So alright. I like that. This might be the only praise I give but it shows that I’m going in with a totally open mind. Maybe it’s good. Stranger things have happened. All of the whores who he showed it to said it was good, after all.

So the script starts with a quote from Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. I mean, technically it’s not plagiarism because it’s in quotes but…let’s hope it improves from here. This is really hackey, by the way, starting the movie with a quote.

Then we get the protagonists of the movie: Toby and Crusty. They’re described as two “heavy set” (it’s one word, Newt) “grunts”. Toby is described as having a beard.

I’m not making this up. These are obviously supposed to be Tony from Hack the Movies and Justin Silverman. Newt needs to be assessed to make sure that he’s not a danger to himself or anyone else. This is fucking insane. A retard PAID MONEY so that Newt can shit this script out that’s just petty revenge…FOR WHAT? Petty revenge for NEWT plagiarising 20 scripts. Newt is mad that he got rightly fired. And apparently Newt then said some heinous shit to Tony, Horseface, and Justin and they rightly got upset and stopped talking to him. Newt somehow sees himself as the victim in all of this.

JUST MOVE ON, NEWT. THIS WAS YEARS AGO.

In his Discord, PVC Bondage Guy has a rule forbidding you from talking about Cinemassacre, Screenwave, Tony, Justin, Horseface, Reddit, whatever. She says that it happened years ago so we want to move past that.

Fine. I agree. THEN DO THAT. Don’t shit out a script where you’re trying to dunk on your former friends. Especially over a rift that YOU were the cause of.

A Horseface character has to be in this, right? Let’s find out.

So Toby and Crusty — or should we just use their actual names: Tony and Justin Silverman, are dressed as Gilligan and the Skipper from Gilligan’s Island. More plagiarism and more mindless attacks on Tony and Justin. I don’t even know what the joke is. Maybe he’ll explain. It’s also not explained which one is Gilligan and which one is the Skipper.

Nothing is capitalised, by the way. Like the first word of a sentence of proper nouns. Maybe that’s just the style.

Oh, look at this awful, unnatural, unfunny, awkward, stilted dialogue.

Tony: the chick on the phone said they were out this way. even said and I quote. “its way ways out in the middle of nothing at all’

Justin: got that right. You know this area is called the land version of the Bermuda Triangle.

Tony: this is Pennsylvania

Justin: its still a “sylvania”. spooky scary shit happens out here man. you know this state has a town called intercourse and one called blue balls. and they are right up near each other.

None of this comes out of anywhere. None of this is organic. It’s all just stupid sexual “jokes” shoehorned in.

And “it’s still a sylvania”? How is that even going to be spoken? People won’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. There wasn’t even a reference to Transylvania first.

Newt. This is dog shit. Do I have to read the next 66 pages? By the way, I believe that movie scripts are typically 90 pages at a minimum. One page a minute. Is that right? Let me look this up.

Yeah. The average movie script is 90 to 120 pages. That accords with the average length of a movie.

So this is going to be 67 minutes of shit. Well, less is more when it comes to this dogshit.

Also, Justin calls Tony “little buddy” so Justin must be the Skipper character.

Just look at this:

“when are we friggen not. oh and not for notta. but dont blame me. you okay’d the price of this 3 hour tour. undercut our competition to such a degree I doubt we see a red cent .trucking in the keystone states devils triangle. with a buncha gnarly ass spooky cargo in the way back”

I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S TRYING TO BE CONVEYED.

I’ve not left anything out. I’m still on the second fucking page. The first page of dialogue. What the fuck is this? This is trash. He shit this out in a day and it shows.

In case you’re unaware what Newt is plagiarising from, for the benefit of non-American readers, the “three hour tour” thing is a reference to the 1960s tv show Gilligan’s Island. Keystone State…is is the nickname of Pennsylvania? I assume so. Devil’s Triangle is a reference to the Bermuda Triangle. No capitalisation or apostrophe use makes an already confusing script even more difficult to read. “Not for notta” means “not for nothing”. That took me a while to figure out and I’ve been speaking English for a good while.

Newt, this is dogshit.

Then there’s a cut to the distant relative of Frankestein with the appaling line, “these collection calls will not stop me. nor my unquenchable thirst for unlocking the great mysteries of science. Beware; for I am fearless, and therefore powerful”.

Newt. Stop this. Stop this immediately and do something proper with your life. This is a fucking sick joke. It’s a sick joke on your own life.

None of this is even grammatically correct. I get that he’s trying to make her speak in ye olde English or whatever but it’s just Ye Olde Dogshit. This is a complete fucking disaster. Can you believe that these whores said that this was GOOD?

Newt. There are no amount of rewrites that can improve this. It’s shit. Every page is going to be shit. I just know it. Throw it out and do something productive with your life.

Oh look at this. Very next line is Justin saying, “you take a peak at any of it”. “PEEK”, you retard. And it’s not…I know he’s trying to write like how people speak or at least how he speaks. But would somebody not start the sentence with “DID”?

Then Justin says, “so what you see”. He’s asking a question. “So what DID you see?” What’s Newt’s beef with the word “did”? What’s Newt’s beef with the English language?

Justin says, “zip it…well 1st tell me what was in those crates. then shut all the fuck the way up”

First of all, he writes “first” as “1st” because he’s a fucking retard and trying to shave ever second he can off of actually writing this. Secondly…what? “Shut all the fuck the way up.” Who the fuck speaks like this? ANYBODY? The use of language isn’t even clever. It’s baffling. This is like a fucking mental patient wrote this.

That mentally ill Korean murderer who wrote Richard McBeef for an assignment in college wrote a more sensible and coherent script than this complete fucking dogshit of Newt’s. And English wasn’t even his native language.

How much have I written so far? Oh fuck. I’m not going to get through 67 pages in one article. Newt Week will have to continue.

Justin says, “well. thats why i get to wear the little captain hat. getting other people to do our work. or half assing the job has paid off pretty well for us in the past my portly chum bucket”

This whole script is just Newt’s petty revenge against Justin Silverman and Tony from Hack the Movies. For Newt plagiarising 20 scripts.

Somebody PAID MONEY for this. For this derranged, horribly-written revenge script. And that person wants this complete piece of shit turned into a movie starring literal whores.

Tony says, “well ill be dipped in shit” as in “Well, I’ll be damned”. What is this? He’s ripping off James Rolfe’s scat fetish now? It was just a weird excuse to shoehorn another painfully unfunny joke in here.

Then there’s a sudden shift, (that was all taking place in a van, by the way) to a castle. And Newt says, “Obvious shot from an old Roger Corman movie of a gothic manor.”

He’s giving production notes, or whatever the term might be, telling you which movies he wants to PLAGIARISE from. And he goes with Roger Corman because he died recently and it’s fresh in Newt’s mind. This is unbelievably bad. Why is this guy so obsessed with plagiarism? I mean…there wasn’t even a need for this. He could have just said, “Shot of a gothic manor.” Why does it have to be a PLAGIARISED shot of a gothic manor?

So now we’re introduced to Dr Pierce Lemlie, the distant relative of Dr Frankenstein. The name is presumably a satirical pun that’s beyond my tiny-brained understanding. She’s assisted by Shegore, who’s a plagiarised Igor character described as, “A beautiful woman aside from the Hunchback eye and one way larger breast.”

It’s like a fifth grader wrote this. A fifth grader who’s not a good student. “Way larger”…what a fucking…let’s move on.

So Justin and Tony see this woman with the “way larger” breast and we get:

Tony: would yah get a load of this freak show

Justin: would you ?

Tony: oh 100 percent. look at me. you think I got standards

Justin: I would think the same for any lass willing to lay with a slob like you

So we have Newt using Reddit’s pathetic term of “slobs” in reference to the Screenwave guys as he continues to ham-fistedly insult his former friends because he plagiared 20 scripts for Monster Madness.

Newt, you’re the biggest fucking piece of shit on earth.

Then Tony insults Justin’s weight in this script. Justin insults Tony’s weight. Then Tony says something curious. “oh no. not at orgy castle. Please….no…anything but that….jack ass”

You might be thinking, “Wait…did they set up that this is an ‘orgy castle’”? Of course they didn’t. There was nothing in the script to indicate that this was an “orgy castle”. Just a regular old castle. The orgy-less variety. But Tony, from out of nowhere, calls it an “orgy castle” simply because he sees this Igor character with the one “way bigger” breast.

Newt, this is shit, and you’re shit.

Justin then says, “go unload the fucking back”

NOBODY TALKS LIKE THIS. They’re talking about the back of the van. Alright? Would you describe unloading the back of the van in this manner? Of course not. Nobody would. You would say “unload the VAN”. This script is FULL of bizzare mangling of the English language. He’s trying to do some dialect, I guess, but it’s a dialect of somebody with no familiarity with the English language. It’s a dialect that doesn’t exist.

Tony turns to Shegore as he’s trying to “unload the back” and says, “so umm…lil hand would be super”

NOBODY talks like this. But the reason he said “hand” instead of “help” is to set up the completely unfunny, unoriginal, mindless “joke” where Shegore starts clapping. Why would Shegore even do that? Why is Shegore an asshole to Tony for no reason?

Because this is how Newt thinks. Newt is an asshole to people for no reason.

Tony: doctor miss…what. if you dont mind me asking is in…

Shegore: she does

I didn’t leave any important context out. There is no important context. Tony is asking what’s in the crate that they’re hauling out of “the back” and Shegore says “she does”. She does…what? What is this an answer to? It’s an answer to nothing. Newt is on another fucking planet. None of this even makes sense. I’d say that it’s a typo of some sort but the whole fucking script is like this.

How is Newt not embarrassed to show shit like this? And he has HUNDREDS of these completely nonsensical tits and gore scripts that make NO FUCKING SENSE. Full of spelling errors. Full of grammar errors. And just…logical errors. It’s like people are just saying random words. I’ve never seen anything even approaching as bad as this is.

I get that some people aren’t very good at writing. Spelling, grammar, unimaginative content, I can forgive all of that. But this is…it doesn’t even make sense. This is just the spiteful ramblings of a lunatic who can’t get over the fact that he was rightly fired for grossly unprofessional conduct. This is the sort of thing that the crazy guy yelling on the street would write. And he has hundreds of these and he thinks that they’re good.

Tony and Justin leave, heavily winded. Shegore makes a series of bizarre, insulting comments to them. Dr Frankenstein’s relative says that it’s time to “science”. Then suddenly Dr Frankenstein’s relative is in bondage gear for some reason. There’s a lot of detail on what she’s wearing.

Then Dr Frankenstein, in this bondage gear, pulls back a sheet and reveals a topless woman. Her breast size, oddly, is not mentioned.

Then suddenly we see…other…creatures. Why? I don’t know. Nothing is explained. Just suddenly other creatures appear. One second she’s at this topless cadaver about to do…something…and the next second some other creatures are revealed.

There’s Photog, an ape with a camera for a head.

There’s Fritz, a 40 year old lab assistant in a horror movie shirt and a lab coat. I guess that this is the character that Newt wants to play.

Then there’s Saphire, “a tall redhead in tight skirt and crop top”.

Uh huh. Horseface.

These three people say that they’re confused. You’re not the only ones.

Then Dr Frankenstein’s relative goes into a monologue, out of nowhere, of course, saying that her family has been hunted for generations.

In response to this, Fritz says, “we live in a castle.” Total non sequitur. This piece of shit “script” is full of them.

Then Dr Frankenstein’s relative says, “when momma is up here. and she putting on the ritz. the lips go” and Fritz, presumably finishing this nonsensical sentence, says “zip”. Dr Frankenstein’s relative continues the nonsensical sentence saying “the ears go”. Shegore says “perked”.

Newt, this is the single worst thing that I’ve ever read in my life and I’m not exaggerating. Please stop all of this. It’s not bad in a good way. It’s bad in a, “This guy needs intervention by professionals” kind of way.

I have to stop here. I’m on the top of page 12. I’ll try to continue tomorrow if I can stomach this shit.