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BAD GAMES! Every Color Dreams Game on NES – Erin Plays (Part 2 of 3)
Let’s go back to the exciting world of hues. I hope that red makes an appearance this time. We had a lot of blue, yellow, and green last time. No love for red? It’s one of the three primary colours along with green and blue, who were covered extensively in the first ten minutes of the video.
9:45 – “So you’re controlling a cute little robot…”
Good stuff, Erin. When you were writing the script, did you consider having a thesaurus next to you? You don’t have to say “cute” every time.
- adorable
- beautiful
- charming
- delightful
- pleasant
- pretty
Wow, that’s terrible. That was from Thesaurus dot com. Aside from “adorable” none of those are even accurate. Are you telling me there’s only one synonym for “cute”?
Merriam Webster’s website has a much longer list but…I’m not seeing any that are accurate. “Dollish” is okay, I guess.
“Junoesque”? “(Of a woman) imposingly tall and shapely. ‘a handsome Junoesque woman.’” That doesn’t seem accurate.
“Pulchritudinous”? Oh, this has got to be good. “A person of breathtaking, heartbreaking beauty.” Umm…would you use that term to describe a cute robot in a video game? Presumably no but nobody knows what “pulchritudinous” means so you could probably get away with it.
“Sublime”, I think would work. “You’re controlling a sublime little robot.”
“Resplendent” as well. I mean, I suppose a lot of these work given the fact that Erin puts the word “little” after the adjective. So even if you’re saying that something is “beautiful”, which is what most of these synonyms seem to be about, you have the diminutive right after it, which takes the edge off.
10:30 – So after that 30 second “review” where she barely played the game, we get King Neptune’s Adventure. “I remember stumbling upon this game years ago at a game store.”
More “stumbling.” Earlier, she talked about “stumbling” across some other game. Let’s check the thesaurus again since she obviously wasn’t using one when writing this script.
Well, these are all about literal stumbling, as in falling. Let me try “find”. Yeah. Any of these would work. “Discover”, “Hit upon”, “Hunt out”, et cetera. It’s just lazy script writing. If this was all off the cuff, that would be one thing, but she’s writing all of this shit out. Apparently. Multiple revisions. Six months of work. This is the best she can do? Everything is “cute”. Everything is “stumble”?
11:30 – “I couldn’t take any more of the music or the nauseating colour pallette.”
She’s talking about, I think, level one again. She never gets far in these games, let’s just say that. But another shout out to colours.
And then she just moves on. I thought that she was going to have more to say. No. That was the end of that “review.”
11:45 – “Master Chu & The Drunkard Hu has always baffled me by its existence.”
Oh sure. It’s keeping her up at night. She’s a big Master Chu & The Drunkard Hu fan. Played it once, for seconds, on stream, for money.
She doesn’t understand that plot, which features a drunken kung fu master, and chalks this up to the 1980s being “weird”. She’s clearly unaware of the long history of drunken kung fu masters in fiction.
Let’s look this up.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drunken_Master
Well, there’s a 1978 kung fu comedy movie from Hong Kong. But does it go back further than that?
Oh. Indeed. By about 800 years.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wu_Song
A fictional character who was a practitioner of the Drunken Eight Immortals style of boxing. He claims that his “fighting ability is at its peak when he is drunk.” You can read his exploits in the Chinese classical novel Water Margin.
It’s not uncommon to find drunken kung fu depicted in video games. One of Erin’s favourite games for the “The PC Engine” as Erin calls the Turbo Grafx 16, bizarrely using the Japanese term, is China Warrior. Or as she calls it, again preferring the Japanese title, The Kung Fu. The final boss practices drunken style kung fu, taking swigs from his bottle of hooch to regain energy. I guess that she never got that far in the game. She never even got past the first level, which is her typical experience with video games.
12:00 – She describes some caterpillar enemies as “cute”. Great stuff, Erin. This script should be nominated for an Oscar.
12:45 – Metal Fighter. Barely played it. Had nothing to say about it.
14:15 – Operation Secret Storm. “Where do I start with this one?”
How about the colours?
She had nothing to say about it.
But it’s a game about the Gulf War, which presumably was released around the time of the Gulf War. That’s notable, surely. Let me look this up.
It was released in 1991. The Gulf War was 1990 to 1991. Yeah. How many games have there been even subsequent to this about the Gulf War? Not many, surely.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Gulf_War_video_games
Yeah, only a few. So this has some historical significance. But all that Zombie Gums could talk about was a camel who spits fireballs.
15:30 – The Pradikus Conflict.
“It starts you out in the menu of things you can purchase despite starting you out with no money. I hate when games do that.”
I can’t think of a single game where this issues arises. But Erin, being the mega gamer that she is, has apparently encountered so many games where this happens that it really bums her out.
16:00 – “There’s nothing much to say about this game besides it exists.”
Great review, Erin. The same description can basically be applied to Erin.
16:15 – After a brief (and boring) story about seeing some corporate mascot statue in sunny California, she starts her “review” of Pesterminator.
16:45 – Erin suggests, in jest, that this game was marketing for the pest control company whose mascot is the protagonist. And she gives the example of a parent calling this company when they have a “spider infestation.”
Really? Spider infestation? That’s what she thinks pest control companies do?
Mice, rats, cockroaches. To a lesser extent, hornets, bees, and ants. These are the sorts of things that pest control companies tend to deal with. Spiders? No.
I don’t think that landlords even have an obligation to deal with spiders. They don’t spread disease and is a spider infestation even a thing? They’re solitary.
I had slugs in one place I lived in. God, you talk about disgusting. Just seeing a three inch long slug creeping along the floor. It turned out that there was some leak under the kitchen cabinets so there was a bunch of water there. The pest control people cleaned up the water, they put slug pellets down, and the leak was fixed. It solved the problem.
17:15 – Then, from out of nowhere, Erin starts talking about the DARE program, which was an anti-drug program in US schools if you’re unaware.
“The 80s and 90s were all about telling kids how bad drugs were while at the same time introducing them to us.”
I thought that this was going to be some commentary about Ritalin or the rise in prescription drug use or the CIA controlling the crack trade or something. No. None of that. She then just shows that commercial comparing your brain to an egg.
HOW THE FUCK IS THAT INTRODUCING DRUGS? It’s REQUIRED to talk about drugs if you’re trying to discourage people from using drugs. What’s her solution?
I might have told this story before but it’s my greatest academic achievement. In the 12th grade, I had this weird, lazy as fuck teacher. “Eccentric” some might say. Some old woman who always had a bunch of pens in her hair. This was…biology class? Something. Some science. And I never took any complicated science class like chemistry or something so it had to be something basic like that.
Every week, we had to write like a ten page report on a different drug. It was bullshit. Writing ten pages every single week? Everybody knew that it was way too much work. She knew that it was way too much work. It was too much work for her. She didn’t even read these reports. She just looked at how many pages you wrote and gave you a grade based on that.
Armed with this information, I wrote a report on cocaine which was largely copied from my Encarta encyclopedia CD. I didn’t go all Newt Wallen on this, I had more sense than him, I changed words around, put things in my own words, shit like this. But it was basically a copy of the Encarta entry. This was before the internet, by the way.
So I got, I think a “B” on it. What wasn’t it an “A”? No idea. It was the ten pages and she didn’t even read it. But she just did whatever she wanted.
Fine. A “B” is good enough. So for the next week’s assignment, I decided to write about PCP. All I did was take that exact same paper that I wrote about cocaine, and did a “search/replace” replacing all instances of “cocaine” with “PCP”. I turned it in and got another “B”. She didn’t even read it. All of the information was clearly wrong. It was in relation to cocaine, not PCP.
I got so discouraged from that woman’s bizarre approach to education that I didn’t even bother doing the big science fair project at the end of the year. Actually, even with the best of teachers, I probably wouldn’t have done it. I was totally checked out by then.
So she said she was going to give me an “F” in the class. But she offered a solution. Buy $5 worth of candy from her. She would sell candy. It was in some kind of box. It would have only cost $5 to avoid failing the class. But I declined. Repeatedly. She’d ask me every few days. But it’s bullshit. Open bribery. Take that candy and shove it up your ass.
She ended up not failing me anyway. I got a D or D-.
17:30 – Erin suggests that she went to public school. It does somewhat explain things, I guess.
Public schooling in the US varies widely. It’s paid for by local taxes so if you’re in a wealthy area, it’s good, if you’re in a poor area, it’s horrendous. I don’t know what kind of school Erin went to but…listen to her for two seconds and tell me that that’s an educated person. She also went to college and has a degree in English but…we see the result.
I went to a Catholic school until the 10th grade and then a public school in a poor area. What a difference. Teachers openly not giving a fuck. Refusing to teach. It was rampant. I’d say half of them didn’t do anything. How can you live with yourself?
And I’m not saying that they were bad teacher or incompetent or couldn’t control the class. They would come into class, take attendance, and then sit there at their desk and do NOTHING. So we would just talk amongst ourselves or do whatever.
Some of the better lazy teachers would show an educational video or something. But there were some who would literally do nothing. Everybody knew. They didn’t get fired. Nothing happened.
In the 12th grade, there were students who couldn’t do long division. They couldn’t read. Some couldn’t even speak English.
Teachers refusing to teach absolutely didn’t happen in the private schools I went to. I couldn’t imagine it happening there.
18:00 – Raid 2020. “It’s nothing but some bottles of pills and a gun. This doesn’t look enticing at all.”
Speak for yourself, you square.
But I don’t think it’s SUPPOSED to look enticing. The game is anti-drugs, as she’s been suggesting this whole time by talking about DARE. They’re not promoting drug use.
19:15 – RoboDemons.
20:15 – “Level 2 is called the Level of Bone. I’ll let you make your own jokes with that one.”
First of all, I’m astonished that she apparently made it to level two. Secondly, GIVE US YOUR JOKE, ERIN. You had six months to come up with a joke. Do you have ANYTHING?
21:15 – “For now, that completes my journey with RoboDemons but knowing me, I’ll probably revisit it at some point.”
Oh, sure. You’re a real “gamer”, Erin. She’s chomping at the bit to play that game again. On stream, for money.
Less than ten minutes left of this god awful video. I was surprised that there weren’t any colour references in this middle section. Unless I mentioned one. No interesting colours in this batch of games, I guess.
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BAD GAMES! Every Color Dreams Game on NES – Erin Plays (Part 1 of 3)
Oh my god. This? THIS is what she’s been teasing for months? THIS is her grand masterpiece that’s taken her six months to make? THIS is the video that she’s been talking about how great the SCRIPT is? This fucking cookie cutter, bland, bullshit from her tedious, lazy “series” that she stole from JOHN RIGGS where she just gives the Wikipedia descriptions of the games made from a particular developer for a particular console?
FUCK YOU!
No matter how low Erin seems to sink in terms of creative bankruptcy, she always seems to top herself. This is fucking unbelievable. Does anybody give a fuck about these games much less Erin’s mindless “opinion” on the games based on her playing these games for five minutes on stream, for money? NO!
But let’s check it out. And bear in mind that this is SCRIPTED. She tweeted about how she was working on the SCRIPT for this video. It went through multiple revisions. So it’s got to be good, right? This is six months in the making. This is going to be the best Color Dreams video of all time. For the six people who give the slightest of fucks about Color Dreams.
Maybe she just chose this because the company has the word “color” in it and she got excited. “Hey, there’s going to be hues. Let’s check it out.”
0:00 – What in the name of fuck is she wearing?
Before we continue, I’d like to reiterate my complete bamboozlement that Mike allows any of this to happen under his roof. He must see the videos before they’re released. He must see the process. Why doesn’t he offer to help? Does he offer but Zombie Gums refuses? Because he knows full well that this is all shit.
I’m not even one second in. All Mike had to say was, “Hey, Erin, don’t wear that. Whatever the fuck you’re wearing, go change. To anything. Just not that. For the love of Christ, what are you thinking?” Problem solved.
So…god fucking damn it. I don’t even know what she’s wearing. Some blue leopard skin full body suit. And a bunch of necklaces. How did she possibly think that this was a good idea?
She’s in her filming little…room. Garfield poster in the background about his contempt for computers. She’s a big Garfield fan, guys. A little Sears poster for some reason. And some Britney Spears fucking bullshit. Fuck off.
“Welcome back to another episode of Erin Plays. This time, I’m going to be looking at Color Dreams games and there are a ton of them.”
Eugh. Thirty fucking minutes of this trash.
0:15 – “These games always stuck out in the NES library because of the colour of the cartridges.”
Unbelieveable. Fifteen seconds in and she’s talking about colours. Like anybody gives a fuck. Mike…CHECK THE FUCKING SCRIPT OF THIS THING before it goes into “production”. “Erin, colours, we get it. Nobody cares. Maybe we can talk about something more interesting.” That’s all you had to say, Mike. You can’t keep this fucking moron under control?
“They either came in baby blue or black while most NES games were obviously gray.”
WHO CARES? FUCK OFF. YOU’RE A FUCKING RETARD.
Bear in mind that this was SCRIPTED. She wrote all of that out. She wants us to know about the colours. That’s central to this whole video.
0:45 – Wikipedia description of how the company called themselves Bunch Games for later titles.
1:00 – Menace Beach. “The colours are vibrant with pops of neon.”
SHE WROTE THIS.
Think about what’s happening here. Imagine yourself sitting down to review a game. Maybe for a school assignment or something because what adult does this? So you’re in the fourth grade and the assignment is to review a video game. Let’s say, I don’t know, Punch Out.
“Punch Out is an NES boxing game but interestingly, it plays kind of like a puzzle game. You have to figure out the patterns of increasingly difficult opponents and dodge and punch accordingly. You can punch high or low with an extra powerful uppercut punch being earned through skilled play. You face a variety of enemies from all over the world as you climb the ranks, eventually leading to a showdown against Mike Tyson himself.”
You want to know when colours would come into my review. NEVER. But it’s the FIRST THING that fucking retard Zombie Gums talks about. Because she knows absolutely jack shit about video games. She CAN’T do a review without mentioning colours because it’s ALL THAT SHE KNOWS.
“Of course you start out on the beach because it’s 1990 and everything was very…beach.”
THIS WAS SCRIPTED!
There’s a clip of a Barbie commercial where she’s on the beach to illustrate her point. Oh sure. 1990, where everything was “beach”. You remember 1990? You remember going to the beach?
No. I don’t, Erin. I grew up in the Midwest. 1990 was no different from any other year in terms of beachness. There was none. What the fuck is her problem?
There’s the commercial she used, by the way. 1989. Go fuck yourself.
Had she said 1989 was “very…beach” I’d be with her 100%. I was at the beach every fucking weekend. But by 1990? Fuck off. The beach was totally played out. Beaches were a fad. The world had moved on.
1:15 – “I even like the name of the name of the game: Menace Beach. Being a play on Venice Beach? It’s cute.”
Erin was sitting down at her computer, hunched over it, her fingers flying as she was writing this script. And THIS is what she came up with.
This is the script that she’s so proud of. Let me look for this tweet that she wrote.
“The video I’ve been working on 4ever is DONE! It’ll be out soon. I know I said I’d release smaller vids 1st to get “back in the algorithm” (if that’s even a thing) but fuck it. I don’t want to sit on it. I’m so proud of it and it was so much fun to make! so it will prob bomb lol”
In what universe would THIS video be at all successful? But she’s proud of it. She read that line about how the name Menace Beach was similar to Venice Beach and therefore “cute” and then gave a chef’s kiss and said, “Erin, you magnificent bastard, you’ve done it again.”
For the life of me, I can’t fathom a universe where ANYBODY would think that this is good. But she’s typing this shit, fully scripted, and proud of it. She thinks that this is going to knock everybody’s fucking socks off. “Boy, when the masses hear my views on colours, minds are going to be blown. This is some revolutionary shit right here.”
3:15 – After some absolutely bizarre bullshit that I won’t even get into, Erin says, “I just noticed that it says ‘Meanwhile at Demon Dan’s’. Who is Demon Dan? Anyway…”
And then she just moves on. Don’t bother doing any fucking research, Erin. Or, I don’t know, playing the game.
https://bootleggames.fandom.com/wiki/Menace_Beach
“According to the game’s instruction manual, the player controls Scooter, a skateboarding hero whose girlfriend, Bunny, has been kidnapped by Demon Dan.”
Done. Two seconds of research. Demon Dan is the antagonist of the game. Erin didn’t know this.
3:30 – “In this case, the main enemy is an Elvis impersonator, which, again, makes sense for Venice Beach.”
Earlier in the video, she said that ninjas and clowns, earlier enemies, aren’t seen at Venice Beach so it makes sense that they’d be at Menace Beach. That made no sense but am I supposed to comment on every stupid thing that Erin says? I’d comment on every fucking sentence. But here she’s saying that Elvis impersonators make sense for VENICE Beach. How? There are Elvis impersonators there?
3:45 – “That is where I almost always turn it off because it drives me absolutely insane.”
She’s suggesting that she plays this game regularly (clearly a lie) and turns it off because this Elvis impersonator on the second level just so enrages her. Does any of that make sense? This woman sat down and SCRIPTED this.
For a lark, let me look up “venice beach” and “elvis”. Maybe there are Elvis impersonators there. What do I know?
Well, there’s one. Is this a normal thing? I have no idea. We’re supposed to be familiar with the California beach scene? Fuck off.
And that’s the end of that “review”. She was so pissed off at this Elvis impersonator in the game, which she said MADE SENSE, at least in the context of VENICE Beach, that she didn’t want to play any more. And this is something that she regularly does. She fires up her NES, puts Menace Beach into the slot, gets to level two and says, “Elvis impersonator? That makes sense for Venice Beach. But I don’t want to play any more.”
4:00 – So we’re moving on to Baby Boomer. How much would you like to bet that she talks about colours, cute things, and then ends the game after the first level or two with some nonsensical excuse?
5:00 – “There also appear to be clouds of urine that you shoot repeatedly until you make a bridge made out of frozen urine. Seriously, could they have chosen a worse shade of yellow?”
Ding! Colours!
But let’s talk about colours. I would describe the shade of that cloud as green, not yellow. And to further illustrate my point that it’s green, when the cloud flashes, it clearly turns DARK green.
I wonder if there’s any way to prove what colour we’re all looking at. Like an app that detects colours.
Oh, I know what I can do. I’ll take a screenshot and then do a colour grab in Paint or something.
Hmm…Paint describes that colour as “dark yellow.” I’d like to get the RGB for this, though. Let’s get a second opinion.
194, 206, 1
Just so we’re all on the same page here, this is the colour:
Let’s see what Google describes that colour as.
https://www.htmlcsscolor.com/hex/CCCC00
They describe the colour as “La Rioja”. Where does that get us? I have to learn fucking Spanish now?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_Rioja
A municipality in Spain. Do we need all of this? Is is green or yellow? That’s all I want to know.
https://encycolorpedia.com/cccc00
“Medium dark shade of yellow-green“
Fine. I’ll take it. My point stands. If you’re peeing that colour, see a doctor immediately.
Then she moves on after that revelation that she pisses green. I don’t even think that she played one level.
By the way, I’m not a doctor but dark urine is an indication that you’re not getting enough fluids. Urine should be fairly clear in colour. Maybe Erin has some sort of urinary tract infection. Does the urine have a strong odour? Shishi, were he still alive, would want to know.
5:30 – Castle of Deceipt. How much have I written so far? I got off track talking about Zombie Gums’ fucking disgusting green piss. Jesus Christ, I’ve already written enough for a full article. And that’s with me skipping a pretty big chunk. I’ll go to ten minutes. Do this in three parts. This is Erin’s big return to Youtube, after all. It warrants a multi-part treatment.
5:30 – “I’ve stumbled into playing this game a few times in my life.”
Yeah. On stream, for money. That’s not “stumbling”, you fucking smelly-pissed, zombie-gummed, retard.
5:45 – “Speaking of wizards, isn’t that Gandalf’s hat?”
What? Isnt’ Gandalf a wizard? She’s talking about a wizard character having a wizard’s hat. Gandals is a wizard, right? Let me look this up.
Yeah. He’s a wizard.
So Erin is surprised to see that a WIZARD has the hat of a WIZARD. She wrote this all out. It was scripted. Rewrites were made.
Wizard. Now I’m just thinking of “wiz” and Erin’s green piss.
“At least that’s what I’ve gathered from the amount of time that I’ve been able to stick with this game.”
Which is nothing. You played it, at best, on stream, for money. Briefly.
And she’s admitting, not to that specifically because she never does, but to the fact that she only played the game briefly. So…why should we give a fuck about her opinion about the game? She doesn’t know anything about it, as she’s clearly telling you.
6:30 – She’s talking about the doors in the game. Repeatedly. And the doors are green. Like the colour of a green crayon.
Now, she doesn’t mention the colour of the doors, somewhat surprisingly. But all I can think is, “What if somebody was peeing that colour? The colour of a green pea?” How green does your pee have to be before the average person says, “I better get this checked out”? For Erin, La Rioja isn’t quite green enough. She’s standing up after taking a piss, looking in the toilet, and saying, “Eh, it’s probably nothing.”
6:45 – Shout out to the “purple cigarettes up top”. We got a two for one in Erin’s repertoire of comedy. Colours AND “X looks like Y”. And in this case, Erin thinks that cigarettes have a filter on BOTH ENDS.
“And when you die, you turn into a vagina.”
Erin, please. I’ve thought about you urinating enough for a lifetime.
“I like how all of a sudden here I’m fighting a giant fly in a totally different perspective and that was actually kind of fun.”
Oh. So exactly like Contra. You remember Contra, right, Erin? It was your first video on Youtube, I believe.
In case you haven’t seen that video, it’s worth seeking out. She uses some GameShark or whatever code that gives her a life EVERY TIME SHE KILLS SOMETHING. Let me repeat this. She kills an enemy, she gets a life. So you quickly rack up lives with this ridiculous code. Because you’re constantly killing enemies. It’s basically an infinite life code.
Nevertheless, she was so fucking bad at this game that I thought she was going to run out of lives. She gets to a point where she dies REPEATEDLY without killing anything.
7:00 – The Adventures of Captain Comic. Oh, by the way, she only played that last game…well, she got to part that was a different perspective so assuming that was another level, she MAYBE got to level three. But I suspect that this was all just level one.
7:15 – “Bright green worms.”
I’m not doing it any more. Just insert your own urine reference here.
7:30 – “The music is the most generic bit of nothingness..”
Oh the irony. ERIN, the queen of generic nothingness, is calling out a game for doing the same. At least the people who made that game aren’t pissing green. Probably. I don’t know.
Let’s see what A. R. Henderson is up to these days. His named appeared in the credits in a lot of these games so far, a fact that Erin didn’t bother to catch. She was too busy looking at colours.
I’m not seeing anything. What about Michael Denio, the programmer.
https://www.angelfire.com/realm/thewarpzone/denio.html
There’s an interview on an Angelfire site from probably 25 years ago but they don’t ask any important medical questions.
Another site says that he works at Texas Instruments now but who knows how old that information is. He’s surely retired by now.
Here’s a project that I’d like to complete some day. Assemble a bunch of game designers, artists, and musicians of retro games. Rent out the banquet room at the Holiday Inn or something. Give them each an opportunity to talk about what it was like working in the industry back then, how their lives have turned out, what they’re doing now, et cetera. Have an audience. Film it. Put it on Youtube. Whatever. Let these people know how much their work is appreciated. Because these are all old men now. They’re not going to be around forever.
Then I’d get out a range of colour swatches, spread them out across the table, and say, “Gentlemen, which colour most closely matches the colour of your urine?”
8:00 – Challenge of the Dragon. Erin played almost nothing of that previous game. Again. That’s going to be a theme here. In fact, I’m not even going to say it any more. Just assume that she barely played any of the game unless I say otherwise.
8:15 – “It’s a side-scroller where you continuously walk right while fighting guys.”
So…like the vast majority of side-scrollers. What a moron.
8:30 – Extended idiocy about the character’s attire and how stylish it is.
8:45 – “The hearts up top are totally from Zelda 1.”
Maybe? These could be any hearts. There are only so many ways to make a heart given the limited pixel allowance. In any event, this was a Mike reference which only makes things more baffling. If he has a hand in these videos, why…why didn’t he rewrite the whole fucking thing? This is pure trash.
9:00 – “I wonder what the inside of Suzette’s looks like.”
She’s got absolutely nothing to talk about. It’s all colours, clothes, and background shit. And she plays these games for five minutes absolute maximum.
This took her SIX MONTHS to make.
9:15 – “Even the colour schemes get switched up, which I appreciate. This one features a lot of bright pinks and greens, which I wasn’t expecting for a game like this.”
Colour reference number…I don’t know…five so far. In nine minutes, she managed to talk about colours FIVE TIMES. Who is this for? Who gives a shit about colours?
AND THIS WAS ALL WRITTEN OUT. Mike was sitting there with his reading glasses on, casually swirling a glass of sherry with one hand, and nodding enthusiastically as he’s reading the tenth draft of this script as Erin sits nearby nervously awaiting his feedback. Mike says, “I love the colour references, dear. It’s sure to bring in the oft overlooked retard demographic. Butt sex later?”
I’m at the ten minute mark. Just another completely shit, pointless non-review from Zombie Gums.
It’s totally beyond me. She’s PROUD of this video. It’s six months of work. How is it any different from the trash that she’s been excreting for the past 5+ years? The shirt? Okay, the shirt is definitely different. But is that enough in her mind? “I’m really proud of his bizarre shirt that I’m wearing?”
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Mike Matei’s Screen-Worn Shirt
I saw this on Reddit. The boys were talking about it, mostly in relation to Mike’s cock. You know how that goes. If you’re at all familiar with the homosexual community, anyway.
So there’s a shirt that was being sold on Ebay purporting to be from an episode of James & Mike Mondays. It was originally being sold for $130, I think, and then it was lowered to $100.
Mike then tweets about it. Or, BlueSkies about it.
“One of my twitch mods told me there is a shirt of mine for sale on ebay. I looked. Pretty sure thats not my shirt. I drove home after filming with my clothes on me. Theres no reasons it would have been in an auction. We did auction costumes like bugs bunny. But not my fucking clothes. Lol”
I find it odd that Mike has to make clear that he only learned about this through a Twitch mod. He wants to make it clear that he doesn’t go to Reddit, or at least not that homosexual subreddit. And I can believe that. I mean…why would Mike want to get all of the latest updates about that penis picture from ten years ago? But it seems a little pathetic that he’s at pains to say it was from his best buddy: a Twitch mod.
Anyway, Mike claims that the shirt isn’t his. But it clearly is. The story given on Ebay is totally plausible.
Offered here is a great find for any fan of one of the greatest podcasters of all time The Angry Video Game Nerd! This is Mike Matei’s screen worn shirt from James and Mike Mondays!
This was obtained from an auction which James Rolfe donated items from Cinemassacre & AVGN. This was part of a lot with some costumes and props from The Life of Black Tiger episode of AVGN. However this was clearly not used in the episode. After watching some clips this was matched to Mike Matei in the Kid Chameleon episode of James and Mike Mondays. It’s possible this was used in other skits/episodes as well as I imagine AVGN likely has a wardrobe selection they pull from as needed.
This is AWESOME! It is very rare to find props or wardrobe from Podcasters as most of their items are privately owned and only surface when they’re donated. AVGN/Cinemassacre are easily some of the most iconic podcasts ever!
If you want this great piece act fast!
I find it astonishing that somebody went through the effort to match this shirt to an episode of James & Mike Mondays. And for a $100 shirt. This was clearly done out of passion, not for profit.
The Ebay account also has 100% positive feedback, they specialise in movie props, and they’ve sold over 2000 items. This is all legitimate. They (or somebody) won an AVGN auction and this shirt happened to be in there, probably be accident. These James & Mike Mondays videos were filmed in batches, on the same day, and they would change shirts after each episode to simulate it being on different days. The shirt somehow got left behind and ended up in this auction lot.
But Mike is adamant that it’s not his shirt. What kind of a lunatic would go through the effort of finding a vintage shirt from SIX YEARS AGO that exactly matches the shirt that Mike wore and sell it for a hundred bucks?
So anyway, the fags on Reddit are all like, “Who would pay $100 for one of Mike’s old shirts?”
How much do these people think that shirts cost? That shirt probably cost…I don’t know…$30 new. That seems like a reasonable price for a Walmart shirt, which is probably the type of place that Mike got the shirt from. Let me look this up.
Jesus Christ. The price for button down short sleeve shirts range from $7 to $30. Who the fuck is buying $7 shirts?
The shirt that Mike is wearing is thin and probably not any kind of designer shirt. So let’s say that he spent $25 on it. Still, $100 for a new shirt, from a semi-reputable brand, isn’t unreasonable. But these fags think that it’s crazy money to spend on a shirt.
This is a piece of history. The Kid Chameleon James & Mike Mondays shirt.
Joe from Gamesack left a comment. “Wait, so that underwear I bought wasn’t really screen-used by you?” Oh, you witty devil. Keep trying to steal the love of Mike’s life from under him.
But yeah, clearly his shirt. And it got me thinking, these “Youtubers” are leaving money on the table by not selling their clothes and whatnot.
How much money could Erin get for the Powerpad in that video? Or her fucking clothes from that video? Those tiny shorts that kept riding up and she had to constantly re-adjust? Shishi, were he still alive, would empty his bank account for that shit.
You wouldn’t even have to wash them. Advertise them as unwashed and you’d get MORE money.
Or what about that black and white striped shirt that Erin wore for a few videos and was the basis for my banner? Or that “retro” jean jacket that she wears a lot? Or any of those shitty zero-effort Halloween costumes that she wears?
But it doesn’t even just have to be the “iconic” episodes and outfits. Somebody paid a hundred bucks for a shitty shirt worn in some throwaway episode of James & Mike Mondays. You can sell ANYTHING and people will buy it.
Sure, people would get bored of it pretty quickly. The novelty would wear off. You’d get fewer bids. But there would still be diehards. And as long as you sell it for more than the item cost, you’re making a profit.
These are people who give Erin (and Mike) money for NOTHING. The subscriptions, the gift subscriptions, whatever. How much more would they pay for something? Even if it’s just a shitty shirt.
What about that Pac-Man shirt that Mike wore in a video years ago that he says Erin got for him that looked like a woman’s blouse? I mentioned it in some article but I think it was on Reddit and it’s gone. People would pay a hundred bucks for that.
Oh, breaking news. Mike responded to a tweet as I was writing this. Somebody said:
- “Have you tried looking for the shirt? I looked extremely close and compared it to the one in the J&MM and it’s identical. Plus it’s from a legit source.”
Mike responds with, “That was probably 5-10 years ago. I dont think i have ANY of the same clothes.”
Oh sure. Mike is a real clothes horse. He’s always wearing the latest…plain black shirts. He has to keep up with the plain black shirt trends, after all.
But the fact that he claims to throw all of this shit out or give it to Goodwill or whatever is all the more reason to sell it. You too can get one of Mike’s black shirts.
Oh, he mixed it up in his latest video. He’s wearing some kind of…jacket I think? Must be an unseasonably cold July in New Jersey.
But after a break, he takes the jacket off and you see that he’s wearing a white t-shirt. Maybe a five pack from Hanes? Total cost: $10. That’s $2 a shirt. How much would Games & Movie pay for that shirt? Games & Movies “gifts” like $50 every stream. This is a mentally challenged man, bear in mind. Fifty bucks in exchange for NOTHING. He’d surely pay at least twice that for the shirt.
I don’t know why people aren’t doing this. Mike will sometimes draw something on stream or if he’s playing a game where it helps to draw a map, he’ll draw a map. He could sell those too. People seem really interested in those maps.
He probably doesn’t need the money but it would surely help. He might be able to pay for Erin’s twice-monthly trips to Disneyland just with this shit. Erin might be able to pay for her own trips if she did this. She could start pulling her own weight somewhat.
As for the investment value…I don’t know. Are movie props generally a good investment?
I remember the Mystery Science Theater 3000 auction when that show ended and I wanted to get something but I didn’t have any money. But I’ve looked up those props subsequently, and it’s a lot of “This shit fell apart shortly after I got it” or “It got destroyed during a house move” and shit like this.
I was looking at Propstore dot com a few months ago but it’s just a lot of overpriced trash from forgetable recent movies that nobody would give a shit about. Nevertheless, this company has been around for a while. People are obviously buying. And movies today must sell absolutely everything that they have to companies like this, no matter how inconsequential the item is.
But as far as resale…surely, the item has to be somehow iconic from a popular movie to have any hope of getting a return on your investment. The American flag jacket from Easy Rider. Ruby slippers from The Wizard of Oz. Shit like this.
I can’t imagine the guy who bought Mike’s Walmart shirt hanging on to it for ten years and then selling it for even $200. But I suppose it’s more personal than that. The guy who bought that just wants to have something of Mike’s and maybe rub up on it at night. Not everything has to be about money.
-
Erin’s Complete Lack of Knowledge About Disney
You know how Erin never shuts the fuck up about Disney? And she goes to Disneyland every two weeks when she’s visiting her parents?
Well, just like the rest of her made up interests, she knows NOTHING about it.
56:30 – A horntard asks which she prefers: Dumbo, Pinochio, or Fantasia. Three of the most well-known classic Disney movies.
“I don’t know. Pinochio was traumatising to me when the kids turn into donkeys and it makes me feel bad because I’m like does that mean they treat donkeys really bad?”
Good stuff, Erin. Moving on.
“I also don’t like…I don’t think that I ever finished Dumbo because I think his mom dies or they get separated or something horrible and I just can’t.”
She’s a big Disney fan, guys. Never watched Dumbo. Even as a 37 year old woman, she can’t handle it.
“Fantasia, I guess I’d pick Fantasia…because I think that was the least…uhh…disturbing to me.”
Oh sure. She loves the racist depictions of centaurs.
She’s never seen any of this shit. It’s obvious. NOBODY would pick Fantasia over ANYTHING. Racism aside, the movie SUCKS COCK.
I saw it as a kid on a field trip. Third grade maybe. It was big news because our school has a pretty strict “All field trips have to be educational” rule. So we went to a lot of museums.
But this is a movie. Disney. Cartoons. It’s going to be awesome.
No, it’s fucking shit. Classical music throughout. That’s how we were able to see it. The “educational” part was the classical music.
I still remember sitting there thinking, “Man, this is going to be awesome. It’s a Disney movie. I enjoy cartoons. Bring it on.” And then the absolute horror as NOTHING HAPPENS. It’s just fucking classical music for 90 minutes. EVERYBODY was pissed off. We were sold a cartoon and we got fucking Beethovan. Fuck Beethovan.
There’s simply no way that Erin knows ANYTHING about Disney for her to pick Fantasia out of those options.
I’m not saying that Fantasia is the worst Disney cartoon movie of them all, I know that there are some exceptionally shitty ones, but from the ones that I’ve seen, which is a pretty small list, Fantasia is FAR AND AWAY the worst. There’s not even a fucking narrative. It’s pretentious “I am an art-eest” bullshit.
1:00:00 – “Alice in Wonderland, Sword…Sword in the Stone or Cinderella?”
She can’t even pronounce “sword”. She pronounced it with the “w” at first. Unbelievable.
“I’ve never seen Sword in the Stone.”
You don’t say. What a Disney fan.
“I’d probably pick Cinderella.”
“But Alice is cool too, it’s just so wacky. I don’t know.”
Great chat, Erin. You’re really demonstrating your lifetime of knowledge about the Disney filmography.
What a fucking lying bitch. Is she genuinely interested in ANYTHING? Maybe her Britney Spears interest is fake too. Maybe she’s been lying this whole time about liking colours. I bet that she doesn’t know jack shit about the different shades of pink.
“I have to be in the mood for Alice. It’s just so…nuts.”
That’s it. That’s all she has to say. People are asking her Disney questions specifically because they’re trying to get her to talk. So they’re asking her shit about things that she professes to enjoy. But you see the responses. IT’S NOTHING.
I probably saw Cinderella as a small child. I don’t remember it. I’ve seen Alice in Wonderland probably five times as a kid. I think that I saw Sword in the Stone too. Alice in Wonderland is clearly the best of the three. Cinderella is boring bullshit from the 1940s, Sword in the Stone is shit from the 1970s, and Alice in Wonderland is drug-fueled greatness from the 1960s.
Wow. I was way off. Cinderella was from 1950, Alice in Wonderland from 1951, and Sword in the Stone from 1963. It’s insane that Alice in Wonderland is a contemporary movie to Cinderella. Alice in Wonderland is action-packed. Cinderella…less so. And Sword in the Stone is shit.
So what did Erin pick? Cinderella. And just by the process of elimination. She didn’t know jack shit about any of them.
1:00:30 – “Sleeping Beauty? I just remember as a kid like I really liked the end when her dress kept changing colours and I would just rewind that part and watch that over and over because I had issues. I was like, ‘I like the colours.’”
Un-fucking-believeable. Here’s an opportunity to talk about your extensive knowledge about Sleeping Beauty and she talks about COLOURS. Could this be any more fucking retarded?
When she’s playing these fucking games, all she ever talks about is colours. And I thought, “Well, it’s because she knows nothing about video games so she has to talk about something.”
As it turns out, this is how Erin talks about EVERYTHING. Because she knows NOTHING about EVERYTHING.
1:01:00 – “Live action Alice in Wonderland? Like the series? I loved that series when I was really little on the Disney Channel. I remember watching that, like, all the time in the morning.”
And? Memorable episodes? Anything AT ALL that you care to say about it?
No. Just that she remembers watching it. ANYBODY could have said that. It’s not adding ANYTHING to the conversation.
“It was weird. Looking back, it was pretty strange.”
Yeah. It’s Alice in Wonderland. This isn’t adding anything. Then she just moves on. It’s incredible. SHE’S RETARDED.
And were they even talking about the fucking series on the Disney Channel? I assumed that they were talking about that movie from the 1980s or whenever. Let me look this up.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alice_in_Wonderland_(1985_film)
Yeah, that’s what I was thinking of. It surely wasn’t made by Disney. It was pretty disturbing. The Jabberwocky terrified me and I had to stop watching. Then I overheard my mother mocking me to my father saying, “It didn’t even look real” and my father defending me saying, “It looked real to him.”
What a fucking piece of shit mother I had. But there’s a little story. It’s something that I contributed to the discussion. I didn’t just say, “That’s cool” or “I liked the colours” like fucking retard Zombie Gums over here. Because I actually saw this shit and have things to say. I’m not just making shit up based on movies that I never saw.
What even was this Disney Channel live-action thing?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adventures_in_Wonderland_(1992_TV_series)
I never saw it. I was too old.
1:01:45 – “The Goofy Movie? I remember liking it, I just haven’t seen it in so many years and it’s so popular. Like, a lot of people in their 30s and 40s love that movie and I’m like, ‘I need to rewatch it’ because I don’t remember a lot of it.”
You don’t say. This is her entire existence. She “forgets” EVERYTHING. Because she’s never fucking done anything. This is all entirely made up. This is why she gives generic non-answers to everything. She has no interests, no hobbies, and has never done ANYTHING.
So that’s what she had to say about the Goofy Movie. A Disney movie from her era. “I saw it but I don’t remember it.” Great stuff, you fucking moron.
This is somebody who claims to be all about Disney. WHAT does she know about Disney? Name ONE Disney animated feature film that you can have ANY kind of conversation about. I think that we’ve hit most of the big ones. And even some rather obscure ones. She had nothing to say about any of them.
34:15 – I’m going back in time now but this is remarkable. “Does that say ‘Shreks’? I’ve never seen Shrek. I’ve never seen any of the Shrek movies.”
I guess that she was too busy not-watching Disney movies to watch any Dreamworks movies.
And this was her era as well. Zombie Gums was like ten when the movie came out. She had no interest. She was just staring at a wall all day, every day.
“They just never appealed to me and it makes me feel like an outsider on this earth because everyone, apparently, has seen Shrek and everyone loves Shrek.”
What HAS she been watching then? It sure as fuck wasn’t Disney movies.
Even I’ve seen Shrek and I have no fucking interest in any of this bullshit. It’s just something you encounter in daily living.
34:45 – “Like I’m some crazy, evil person for not seeing Shrek ever. It’s like, I don’t want to. Do I have to? There’s like five…how many are there, like four movies? I don’t want to fucking watch it.”
Then don’t watch it. But this is somebody who claims to be interested in Disney fucking cartoon movies and “cute” shit generally but she seems to have seen NONE of this. And she has no interest in it. So…what the fuck is she doing at Disneyland every two weeks? Why maintain this bizarre facade of being interested in something that you know NOTHING about and don’t give a fuck about?
This is the exact same thing that she does with video games. She clearly doesn’t give a fuck about video games and doesn’t care about them but she’s there fucking streaming video games every couple of weeks. She tried to make a living out of this. WHY? Why try to base your life on things that you DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT?
It’s the most bizarre, mentally ill bullshit I’ve ever seen.
I guess that this is what happens when there’s a human being out there with absolutely no interest in anything. I’ll give her colours. Maybe. But how much can you do with colours?
What is the psychological explanation for how a human being can end up being interested in NOTHING?
Perhaps this goes to my autism theory on Erin. Heavy_Sleep6750 sounds a lot like old Zombie Gums. She has no interests and just goes from one superficial “interest” to the next, much like Zombie Gums’ “today I like Alf, yesterday I liked Popples, tomorrow I’ll like Match Game and I don’t know jack shit about any of this nonsense.”
I also saw a scholarly article just about “boring people.”
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/01461672221079104
Maybe it’s as simple as that. She’s a bore. It talks about the “merging of identities” in boring relationships. That’s certainly accurate. Erin, despite being interested in nothing, will pretend to be interested in whatever Mike is interested in. Her stream ideas are entirely stolen from Mike. “Variety streams” is a term that he uses and Erin just stole. Mike drags Erin to a Star Trek convention, suddenly Erin is talking about her love for Ensign Chekov. Mike makes her watch an episode of the Price is Right, Erin is (erroneously) suddenly talking about what a dick Bob Barker was to the contestants.
She just never does anything and she’s never done anything. It’s to be pitied.
-
Celebrity Encounters with Erin Plays
“YEARS ago at the ArcLight on Sunset (RIP,) Andy Dick sat two seats away from me and every once in a while I’d hear him laugh or say something and it was so fucking surreal. I’m going to be accused of lying because I don’t remember what movie it was, but it happened.”
Let me get this straight. She was seated at the cinema with Z-list star of News Radio Andy Dick. News Radio is a show from 30 years ago, by the way, a show that nobody watched, least of all Erin. And Andy Dick said some stuff. She doesn’t remember what. I guess. Was he with somebody or by himself. She doesn’t remember. I guess. And she doesn’t remember what the movie was, a detail that she, inexplicably, seems to think is crucial to the story.
THIS IS NOTHING. “I was at the movies and Andy Dick was saying some stuff. Isn’t that wild?”
You really paint a picture, Zombie Gums.
And then look at these fucking responses.
- “I’m guessing living in California this kind of celebrity sighting is slightly more normal than Indiana.”
Erin says, “Well yes lol”
SO FUCKING REGALE US WITH SOME STORIES THEN, YOU FUCKING CRETIN. She doesn’t have any. She’s never fucking done anything. Look at this amazing Andy Dick story that she gave. NOTHING HAPPENED.
Was Andy Dick just talking to himself and Erin, at the movies with her dad, was just looking away nervously? She didn’t seem to have any interraction with him. How the fuck is that a story worth sharing?
- “In 2008 I actually worked there at the arclight! I believe cause it was surreal to see so many stars up and about. I remember serving popcorn to zach braff and anne Hathaway. Zach was a right prick lol”
Erin says, “lol i believe it”
It’s unbelievable. She has no idea how communication works. The guy tells a story, only slightly better than her own, he at least mentions that Zach Braff was a jerk, and then Erin does her old standby, “That’s cool.”
Erin. If you- have stories to tell about all your big Hollywood encounters, FUCKING TELL THEM.
She’s got nothing. And she doesn’t even know how to speak to people who possibly do have stories to tell.
Why does she behave like this? It’s the same on her streams. She’s incapable of saying ANYTHING even REMOTELY interesting. Colours, “X looks like Y”, cute things in the background, and her response for ANYTHING that ANYONE says EVER is always, “That’s cool.”
Does she have autism? There’s something definitely not right with her.
This is like how for years people thought that James Rolfe was just playing a wacky character and then the autobiography came out and he talked about going to special education and there were all of the stories demonstrating his peculiar behavior and thought processes and you realise, “Oh my god. This wasn’t an act. This man is legitimately mentally retarded.”
Is this Mike’s thing? He’s drawn to the mentally impaired?
Let’s try to salvage this horrendous tweet. ArcLight. What the fuck is this and why should anybody care?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinerama_Dome
A movie theatre in Los Angeles. Who gives a shit?
So that didn’t get us anywhere.
How did Erin even recognise Andy Dick? I assume that she went there with her father because she doesn’t seem to have done much between the ages of 18 and 29 or so, which is when she moved in with Mike, other than throwing up after eating at an establishment called Pink Dog and a separate incident where she was served a bowl of ranch dressing with friends.
It’s not like Andy Dick was ever popular. What did he do besides News Radio?
According to Wikipedia…nothing. Drug addiction. That’s it. Was Erin a big News Radio fan? It was on between 1995 and 1999. And bear in mind that this is somebody who says that she’s never seen Seinfeld. Erin aka CyKill86 aka Zombie Gum would have been between 9 and 13 years old. She wasn’t watching that shit. NOBODY was.
It’s just unbelievable. There’s something seriously wrong with her. This might explain all of her made up physical complaints as well like the zombie gums and the phantom carpal tunnel syndrome. Mentally, she has problems.
She also threatens us with releasing that long-delayed video.
“The video I’ve been working on 4ever is DONE! It’ll be out soon. I know I said I’d release smaller vids 1st to get “back in the algorithm” (if that’s even a thing) but fuck it. I don’t want to sit on it. I’m so proud of it and it was so much fun to make! so it will prob bomb lol”
How would it not “bomb”? Your videos are shit and it’s gotten to the point where she releases three videos a year. She hasn’t uploaded in five months.
Oh, would you look at this. Creepy beta orbitter Joe from Gamesack is the top comment.
- “If you enjoyed making it and are proud of the end product, 100% it will bomb.”
Oh, he’s such a card. Chicks like funny guys, right? How’s that working out for you so far, Joe? He’s been trying to get into Erin’s pants for YEARS.
So what’s Erin’s variation on “that’s cool”?
“lol I’m trying to prepare myself.”
Good stuff, Erin. Really interesting.
Maybe she can make a video on News Radio. Who’s your favourite character? The Joe Rogan character? The Phil Hartman character? I’ve literally never seen the show even once so I don’t know the character names.
Maybe I’ve been missing out. Let’s check out a “best of” video on Youtube.
Contemptible. New York-centric trash. Why is it that people from New York think that the rest of the country gives a shit about New York?
Here’s another one. Thinly-viled veiled Jewish bullshit. Who doesn’t like Jews? Come to New York to see lots of money-obsessed Jews.
So yeah, I didn’t miss a thing by skipping News Radio.
There’s no city I hate more than New York. Los Angeles is number two.
Vinnie: Hey, the bodega on 38th street is the best place to get a slice in the city.
I don’t give a shit, Vinnie. Take your pizza and shove it up your ass. Why are you telling me this?
And you’d hear this sort of shit from people NOT CURRENTLY LIVING IN NEW YORK. Dude, fucking move on. I couldn’t give less of a fuck about rent control in your Brownsville tenement.
-
Looking for Brazil Exclusives at Mr. Games – John Riggs
He’s still in Sao Paulo but THIS time he’s at…another video game store.
WHO GIVES A SHIT? The is the world’s most boring travelogue. The same fucking games that you can get in the US but the “bonus” here is that the proprietor of the store doesn’t understand what the fuck you’re saying.
I’ll watch at 2x speed.
2:00 – Some fat guy makes an appearance. No, not John Riggs. Not John Hancock. Not that third fat guy from the previous video. A DIFFERENT fat guy. They’re all fucking fat guys.
I just don’t get it. You’re a big fat guy, right? And you like video games. I’m with you so far. Big fat guys often like video games.
But here’s the part that trips me up. You’re going to Brazil. And instead of going to the beach or the museums or taking a bus tour or checking out the night life or eating in the restaurants or doing literally ANYTHING ELSE, you say, “I’m going to spend my time in fucking video game stores talking to other fat American nerds.”
WHAT’S THE FUCKING POINT? You could have stayed home and talked to obese nerds in video game stores. Why go all the way to Brazil for that? Who goes to Brazil for the fucking video games stores?
John Riggs’ idea of what Brazil is like is going to be “Everybody’s a fat American in a video game store.”
13:45 – So after nearly 14 agonizing minutes of showing shitty bootleg games that looked like somebody dug them out of the trash, we get John Riggs randomly showing a table full of confectionary and the proprietor of the previous video is suddenly here. Why? Nobody knows. Nothing is explained. But John Riggs makes a “joke” asking “What game is this” and pointing to the confectionary. The proprietor, who has limited English abilities, doesn’t understand. John Riggs doesn’t understand how to speak to people with limited English. Jokes can be confusing. Especially lame ones that even a native speaker would respond with, “What the fuck are you talking about?”
Then some other fat guy, John Hancock as it turns out, says, “What’s on top” in reference to the sugar, an obvious cocaine “joke”. You know…Brazil being a big supplier of cocaine.
Let me look this up. Colombia, sure, but Brazil?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_prevalence_of_cocaine_use
Well, the US has the highest cocaine usage of any country in the world. That’s interesting.
“Colombia is the top coca cultivator in the world, producing 60% of the world’s cocaine, followed by Peru and Bolivia.”
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-latin-america-66784678
I found another site that again only lists Colombia, Peru, and Bolivia and they give the statistics as 65% Colombia, 27% Peru, 8% Bolivia.
If you look specifically for “Brazil” and “cocaine”, you’ll find some stories but it’s not a joke that I would make about Brazil. Who associates cocaine with Brazil?
14:45 – This is what giant nerds in Brazil look like. They’re not obese, they just grow handlebar moustaches. You see this shit in the US too. GIANT nerds grow the handlebar moustaches.
So that’s the video. Holy shit was that boring. SHOW THE FOOD, YOU FAT FUCK. That was the only good part of John Riggs’ videos. When he’d show what he was fucking eating. Here’s a perfect excuse to do it, you’re abroad, the food is different, SHOW IT. Who gives a shit about these fucking bootleg games, Woody “the” Woodpecker Brazil exclusive games, and games that are identical to the US versions but for the fact that the name of the company on the game is different?
- “stay safe in brazil”
WHAT CAN HAPPEN? He’s not going anywhere other than these fucking video game stores.
Besides, is Brazil any less safe than the US? I’ve been assaulted by random people in the US, had guns pulled on me, lunatics chasing me in their cars. I genuinely believe that I’d be safer in one of those favelas in Brazil with the scrap tin shacks than I would in my home town.
-
Brazil Game Store tour! A Casa do Video Game – John Riggs
John Riggs is in Brazil trolling for booty, as usual. Some of that big, Brazilian booty.
He’s there with John Hancock.
Look at that thumbnail. The guy who owns the store has lighter skin than John Riggs, who is red, presumably from years of alcohol abuse. That strikes me as peculiar. Although, I suppose Brazilian people, like South and Latin American people in general, come in a range of shades. They’re a very mixed people, after all.
A Spanish professor from somewhere in South America (I think) once said that in her country, people decide what their “race” is, based on skin colour. So if you’re light-skinned, you’re white, if you’re dark-skinned, you’re black, and I suppose there’s a middle range for brown. And this can vary even within families.
Furthermore, light-skinned is preferred, but that’s perhaps well-known. Being of Spanish descent, or Portugese in the case of Brazil, is preferred to being a descendent of American Indians and/or African slaves.
But imagine John Riggs travelling all the way to Brazil just for booty. The levels of desperation. I know that he’s saying that he’s going there for a nerd convention, but in what universe would you travel nearly 7,000 miles for a nerd convention? He doesn’t even speak the fucking langauge.
I used to live with Brazilian guys. There were…four of them. I had to share a room with one of them. Biggest asshole I’ve ever known? Umm…possibly? There are some contenders. I talk about it here:
I used to be more open-minded back then. I’d live with Indian guys, Sri Lankan guys, Eastern Europeans, French, Brazilians, whatever. I didn’t give a fuck. Broaden your horizons, you know?
Then you live with them. Oh. This is why stereotypes exist. They’re true. Not everybody thinks and behaves like I do. Some people have WILDLY different ideas on how to think and behave.
0:15 – They’re in Sao Paulo. I know that’s the capital, but aren’t there ghettos there? There surely must be, as there are in the large cities of most countries. But I’m thinking that back in…the 1980s…1990s…there were roving police fighting with gangs in Sao Paulo. This was back when Brazil had some dictator. Let me look this up.
Oh, maybe I’m thinking of Rio De Janiero.
History of Brazil…military dictatorship. Here we are. 1968 to 1985. Supported by the US, of course.
Which country had those planes that they would fly out, fill with political dissenters, and then open the cargo bay over the ocean?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_flights
A few of them, apparently, but I was probably thinking of Argentina. Brazil not among them.
So John Riggs mentions that it’s a house. That is strange but it’s something I’ve seen in the UK too. In small towns in particular. There will be a shop, like a convience shop or something, and it’s just somebody’s house in a residential neighbourhood. How do they get the zoning for that?
John Riggs immediately shows the chocolate that you can get at this store, possibly for free. Garoto. Let me look this up.
Founded by a German immigrant in 1929 and acquired by Nestle in 2002. So it’s probably shit now.
“Today, Garoto is one of Brazil’s largest chocolate manufacturers in the world.”
Way to go, Wikipedia. That doesn’t make any fucking sense. Is it the biggest in the world or the biggest in Brazil?
Are there any reviews on Amazon or something?
“Muito bom produto, excelente qualidade”
Look at this. I don’t even speak Portugese but I think I can figure this one out. “Very good product. Excellent quality.”
“Essa marca de chocolate sempre supera as nossas expectativas. Chocolates excelentes!”
Umm…”It’s (something) of chocolate sometimes super and exceeds expectations. The chocolates are excellent.”
Oh, here’s a negative review. Only two stars. “Prezzo esagerato molto caro ho comprato a Milano nel supermercato brasiliano per 11 euro non comprerò più.”
Ummm…I think he’s just complaining about the price, the chocolates being cheaper at the supermarket. But why is he giving prices in euros? Oh, he’s from Italy and the review is in Italian.
0:45 – John Riggs is there for Retro Con, or as he calls it Booty Con. Behind him is some fat white chick. What a disappointment. You go all the way to Brazil hoping to get some Brazilian booty and the only people who show up for your meetup are fat Americans living in Brazil.
And it’s soooooooo loud in there. People are speaking English so these are people there for this weird John Riggs/John Hancock meetup. And they’re just Americans living in Brazil.
1:15 – John Riggs shows a game that this guy is selling. John Riggs doesn’t even know the name of the currency. Or at least he was unsure on the pronunciation. He clearly does no research before he travels.
So the guy is selling an N64 game called Stunt Racer for 16,000 BRL. That’s Brazilian real, of course. We all know about Brazilian currency. That would be…$2871 according to my current calculations and…yeah, exactly the same according to this guy’s calculator. So he’s giving the real exchange rate. But is that possibly the price that this game goes for? Let me look this up.
Maybe it is. Some price guide lists it at $2,300, complete in box. And there are a lot of posts on Reddit talking about the price explosion of this particular game.
The video is 30 minutes long and I’ve scanned it and NO EATING. What the fuck? I’m supposed to watch half an hour of John Riggs just showing the merchandise in a video game store? Who gives a shit? SHOW THE FOOD. Go out on the street and show the fucking Brazilian women.
This is brutal. Why am I watching this? This is no different from him showing fucking…what’s that store near to him…Pink Gorilla. He goes all the way to Brazil and then makes the exact same fucking video that he always makes.
Unbelievable. This guy couldn’t make an interesting video to save his life. He’s in Brazil but everyone around him is an American (except for the owner) and he’s just showing the fucking games. WHO CARES?
There are minor differences between the names of the games in Brazil compared to the US and shit like this. It’s…I don’t give a fuck. This is not worth travelling to Brazil for.
And it’s all fucking fat guys. John Riggs is fat, John Hancock is fat, and Keith (or whoever the third guys is) are fat too. This is embarrassing. These are the American ambassadors going to Brazi representing the nerd community. I mean, it’s accurate but it’s still embarrassing.
14:30 – John Riggs is looking at the inflated prices of the official games and says that he should be brought his games from home to sell them here at inflated prices.
It reminds me of a story that a teacher told me in the 7th grade or so. It was a religion teacher, I should mention. She talked positively about how Americans would go to the Soviet Union and sell their jeans for grossly inflated prices, even covering the entire cost of their flight, American jeans being a popular commodity in the dying days of the Soviet Union. Apparently. And this highly-religious woman was encouraging this exploitive practice.
John Riggs is going through a bunch of bootleg games. Who cares?
I’m 18 minutes in. I don’t get this. Why travel to Brazil for THIS?
21:00 – I skipped ahead. Finally, we see a woman who isn’t 300 pounds. She’s there with her boyfriend or something. Dmarcal90. Let’s look this up.
https://www.youtube.com/@Dmar%C3%A7al90/videos
Some Brazilian nerd with seven videos, none of which feature this woman. Last video uploaded nine months ago. He seems to have only uploaded stuff for a month. But surprisingly he gets more views than fucking…what’s her name…Zap Cristal.
John Riggs asks them who won some game they were playing but I don’t think that either of them speak English.
I just skimmed through the rest of the video. NOTHING HAPPENED.
Well, that was…that. I think that I’ve already expressed my disappointment in the lack of sexy ladies in the video. What else can I say? It’s shit.
In other news, I don’t think that Shishi is with us any more.
https://twitter.com/ShishiVids
He posted multiple times a day, every day, usually about apes and anime, sometimes about Erin, and then suddenly stopped on the sixth day of February. His Patreon is gone. His Youtube channels haven’t been updated in over a year. And I haven’t heard Erin mention him in a long time.
I don’t suppose that Newt tweeted about his death. But no shoutout from Erin either. This was her number one fan. She doesn’t give the slightest of fucks. Erin will talk about Michelle Trachtenberg dying, somebody who wouldn’t give Erin the time of day, but ShiShi, somebody who devoted years of his life and untold thousands of dollars to Erin…nothing.
There’s a guy who knows how to make a video about Sao Paulo. Not a video game or fat American in sight. Just a bunch of creep shots of women. Actually, it’s also pretty boring.
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Just the Tip : health and beauty tips by Newt – Newt Wallen
0:00 – 6:16 – GAY!
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Erin Plays and Mike Matei stream Atari 2600! Cosmic Ark, Lost Luggage, Ghost Manor and more! – Erin Plays
I watched 30 minutes of this for my own “enjoyment” and Erin wants absolutely NOTHING to do with ANY of this. Every time Mike suggests that she plays a game, which is what she’s there to do, she says, “Do I have to?”
No. Erin. You don’t. See if your job at the record store is still available.
So I’m just going to list every time Erin suggests that she hates video games and doesn’t want to play them.
0:45 – “Mike is a lot more familiar with the Atari than I am so…because I didn’t grow up with it.”
No shit. You didn’t grow up with ANY video games, even ones from your era.
They start with Freeway, a game where you’re a chicken and have to cross the road. Obviously, Erin never played it before. Mike intentionally throws the game, resulting in a tie.
2:45 – Erin: “Oh, we’re tied. What do we have to do when we’re tied?
Mike: We have to do a tie-breaker round.
Erin: (looks with dread at the screen) Are they going to do that?
They don’t play the game any more because it’s obvious that Erin doesn’t want to.
3:45 – A horntard suggests that they play Star Trek.
Mike: It’s based on Star Trek III, of all things but you wouldn’t know that.
Erin: Like the movie?
What else can it be? No, Star Trek III, the third commemorative plate in the Franklin Mint series.
Wow, Franklin Mint was based in Wawa, Pennsylvania. I don’t think that that stuff is worth anything, though.
4:30 – Erin asks a horntard if he bought a Manbaby Gaming shirt, having seen it on Twitter, and then says that she also ordered one but hers hasn’t arrived yet. So this is just cheap print-on-demand bullshit, not that I’d expect anything else. Mike isn’t going to have thousands of these made and then store them in his warehouse. Although, he does have that spare house that’s just for Halloween decorations.
I wonder if that’s actually true. He did say it once but why would he have a house just for storing Halloween decorations? Is that even allowed? What must the neighbours think? “Oh, that’s old man Matei’s Halloween decoration house.”
But yeah, Mike made Erin pay full price for the t-shirt, apparently. Mike, come on, give her a free shirt. What’s wrong with you? He pays for everything else, including her zombie gums, but when it comes to his own “merch”, he’s not giving her a break at all.
https://mike-matei.creator-spring.com
There’s the “store”. It’s just fucking Tee Spring. THIRTY BUCKS for a shitty t-shirt where he just copied the 1990s Cartoon Network logo. This is Newt Wallen levels of plagiarism.
Oh, $30 is for the “premium” quality shirt, I guess. The normal one is “merely” $26. And the women’s shirt is $24. Why would the women’s shirt be any cheaper? And the women’s shirt only comes in three colours, as opposed to the men’s shirt which comes in five. AND if you want a pink shirt, it’s not available for the women’s shirt, only the men’s shirt. This makes NO SENSE. Colour-enthusiast Erin must be furious.
I don’t think that there’s any prohibition on Tee Spring’s side on what colours are available. I think that Mike specifically excluded colours from being options. Why?
Anyway, nobody’s buying that shit.
6:00 – Erin starts playing this Star Trek game. Word Star Trek for the Atari 2600 gameplay ever recorded. I mean, the game looks like shit and I don’t know what’s going on but Erin is completely out to lunch, even after Mike repeatedly tries to explain.
7:30 – Mike is talking about a Star Trek convention that he dragged Erin to. He says at the start of the convention, they showed the intro from Star Trek: The Motion Picture on a big screen. Erin says, “It was a pretty good way to get the crowd pumped, I think, and a lot of people were like, ‘What is this?’”
Yeah. Erin was definitely the latter.
8:45 – Mike asks Erin who her favourite Ferengi is. Incredibly, Erin gives an appropriate answer. She thinks for a while and then says “Quark”.
I couldn’t name a fucking Ferengi and I watched the show. I know that he’s from Deep Space Nine, but I haven’t watched that shit in over 30 years. But I guess from Mike dragging her to these nerd conventions and maybe passively watching the show with him, she’s picked up on a name or two.
“Because I know his name and he was also one of the principals on Buffy, my favourite Buffy principal.”
You had to bring it back to retardation, didn’t you, Zombie Gums? She played some “Buffy” game just recently and, not to be repetitive, but it was the worst fucking “Buffy” for the Gamecube (or whatever it was) footage ever recorded. She had NO CLUE what she was doing. She couldn’t pick any of the weapons up. She didn’t know where she was going. She didn’t know any of the objectives. She didn’t understand the basic point of the game.
And then she later tweeted that she was going to do a follow up stream after she got a strategy guide. She apparently ordered a strategy guide, using Mike’s money. And when somebody said, “Hey, just look at a fucking playthrough on Youtube” she said that she didn’t have the time (in truth, she doesn’t have the interest) and that she wanted to do this the way people played video games in 2003.
Oh sure. Because this is what we did in 2003. We bought strategy guides. Gamefaqs didn’t exist, I guess. She has no fucking idea what she’s talking about. I NEVER bought a strategy guide for ANYTHING and don’t know ANYBODY who did. And once the internet was around, you just went to fucking Gamefaqs. When did Gamefaqs start? Yeah, 1995. It was around since the dawn of the internet.
10:00 – Erin reads from the chat. “Do you know about the 26th Rule of Acquisition? No, I don’t.”
So much for Erin’s deep Star Trek knowledge. She only knew the name because the actor was on “Buffy”. Fucking cretin.
11:30 – A horntard suggests that they play Megamania. Erin says, “I just thought of this awful song.” Mike ignores her and changes the subject because he’s not fucking interested in her idiotic music trivia but Erin doesn’t take the hint. So a minute later, she reintroduces this boring as fuck topic and says, “I was thinking of a song by Incubus that I dislike, Megalomania.”
Well, it’s no Someday. Maybe this could be her next tattoo. This is a topic that will come up soon, I think. Mike completely ignores Erin’s stupid music comment.
13:00 – Worst Megamania footage ever recorded and after Erin dies, she says, “I’m stressed. I’m not ready for this.”
Always with the stress. She has no fucking job, she does absolutely nothing all day, but she’s “stressed.” Over video games.
14:45 – After Erin wasted everyone’s time trying to think of what some enemies in the game look like (Tinkertoys), Mike says “What about Better Blocks”? This is a reference to an AWFUL video that she did five years ago where she ordered some Better Blocks (using Mike’s money) and then was impressed with how they were shipped rolled in a coil. She thought that it must have taken the guy ages to do this when in fact…no. Two minutes.
Then she says that she’d like to another video like that but, “I feel like it was a big production.”
Oh sure. Purchasing some fake Legos from Ebay and then building a shitty crown. What a production. Just stick to making videos where you look through a box of Mike’s games. Or a video where you lazily flip through a Sears catalogue from 30 years ago and says, “That looks cool. I remember wanting one of those. That’s expensive. Look at this colour.”
18:15 – Mike asks for the background music to be turned down so that he can demonstrate some sound effect in the game. He plays it a few times and Erin is completely clueless as to what he’s doing. She thinks that it’s some sexual thing.
Then Mike changes the game to Spider-Man and it’s the same sound.
19:15 – When Mike starts the Spider-Man game, Erin says, “Oh my god, I forgot about this.”
Uh huh. Erin “always” “forgets” about Spider-Man for the 2600.
So he demonstrates that it’s the same sound and Erin is still completely clueless. She still doesn’t know why he was making her listen to that sound even though it’s OBVIOUS what he was doing.
So Mike has to finally say, “No?” Zombie Gums says, “It’s the same.” Mike says, “Thank you.” Zombie Gums says, “I mean, I thought that was a given.”
Any normal human being who would recognise what was happening would have said, “Oh yeah” when the sound was played. That’s it. That’s all you had to say. But she didn’t know what he was doing. She’s a complete moron.
“I like that you wanted me to verbally say, ‘Yes, it’s the same.’”
As anybody would. Yes. Do you know how communication works, Erin?
20:00 – Erin: Is that the Green Goblin?
Mike: That’s the Green Goblin.
Erin: (laughing) Look at him go.
Yeah. The Green Goblin is in the game. Every single level. She must have “forgot” that too. And there’s nothing “cute” about this. The Green Goblin is totally static throughout. No movement whatsoever. So what was so funny and/or cute?
20:45 – Mike finishes the level and says, “So do you want to try it?” Erin hesitates and says, “I…uh…”
No. She does not.
So Mike shows her how to play the game, Erin obviously having “forgotten” everything about it. And then she reluctantly takes over.
“Wait. How do I do it?”
Worst Spider-Man for the Atari 2600 footage ever recorded. There’s ONE BUTTON and she didn’t know how to use it. She always shoots straight up. She doesn’t know that you can’t shoot the windows. She “forgot” EVERYTHING about the game.
22:15 – Erin says, “This sucks so bad. This is quite a drag.”
It’s perhaps one of the better games on the system.
23:15 – Then she just refuses to play any more. “I can’t. I am very…uhh…bored.”
23:45 – So they play Smurfs. Erin says, “Oh yeah. I remember this.”
Wow. She remembered the game from one of her brief times playing it, on stream, for money, during a “variety stream.”
25:15 – Mike is excited to show Erin the “cute” ending where the smurf kisses Smurfette and Erin doesn’t give the slightest of fucks. Then Mike suggests that this should be a tattoo.
Mike: Yeah, why don’t you get that?
Erin: Because I don’t really like the Smurfs.
Why did she get that horrible candy cane/ice cream tattoo? Does she like candy canes? Who likes candy canes?
“I don’t hate them. I’m indifferent about the Smurfs.”
Fuck off, Zombie Gums.
So then Mike gives the controller to Erin. No prizes for guessing how good or otherwise she is at the game.
27:00 – Erin: See? Look at his face.
Mike: Oh, he’s very sad.
Erin: Me too. This is very upsetting. I’m done.
Yet another game that Erin does not want to play AT ALL. What is she doing there? She chose to stream. Nobody forced her to. What did she think she was going to do today? Play Atari games, right? So why isn’t she doing it?
Mike refuses and resets the game saying, “I want to see you get Smurfette.” Erin looks physically pained and says, “Oh my god.”
27:45 – Mike asks who the Smurf is. Erin says that she doesn’t know. Mike suggests that it’s Smurfy Smurf. Erin says, “Is there really a Smurfy Smurf?” Mike says “Isn’t there?” Erin says, “I don’t know. I didn’t watch it.”
It’s before her time but this is what she does. She pretends that she’s all about the 1980s even though it’s clear that she knows NOTHING about the decade.
So Mike starts naming Smurfs and Erin says, “So it’s like the Dwarves? They’re named like that?”
She doesn’t even know the name of a single fucking Smurf. This is all news to her. Brainy, Jokey, never heard of them.
28:45 – With Mike’s clear instuctions, Erin manages to beat the first level. Mike says, “Now you don’t have to play any more.” Erin says, “Yay.”
Why are people watching this? To watch a woman being coerced into playing video games? This is somebody’s idea of a good time?
If she doesn’t want to play the games, DON’T FUCKING STREAM. What was the discussion before they started the stream? “I want to sit here and bitch for two hours while retards send me money”?
30:45 – Now they’re playing Snoopy and the Red Baron. Well, Mike is. Erin is just going to complain and shove tissues up her nose and then later edit out the tissue footage.
“I don’t know if I actually ever played this.”
Let me set your mind at ease, Erin. You haven’t.
33:00 – Erin: Snoopy is like really popular again. He was never not popular but I feel like…
Mike: He’s had a bit of a resurgence.
Erin: Yeah.
Oh sure. Snoopy. He’s huge today.
In the 1990s, I can assure you that Snoopy was shit. It was a shit comic strip written by an old man who didn’t know when to quit. The drawings and the letters were all shakey because Charles Schultz’ hands were all shakey. And the comics were all shit. I never so much as cracked a smile at a single one of them.
I remember reading an article referencing one of the recent Peanuts strip that featured a character called “Joe Grunge.” Let me see if I can find the actual comic strip.
That’s it alright. That’s the entire comic. Some minor character whose name I don’t even know says “Joe Grunge” while Lucy looks like her neck is broken and you have Snoopy dressed…”grungy”? I guess?
So the article gave this particular strip as an example of how much Peanuts has fallen and said, rightly, that it was a tired take off of the “Joe Cool” character that Snoopy had portrayed in the past.
Charles Schultz replied to this article, either in a subsequent strip or in a letter, taking offence to this. But the guy was completely right. Peanuts was complete dogshit by the 1990s.
You read Peanuts strips from the 1950s and…it’s too far removed from what the strip would become. But you read stuff from the 1970s and there are actual jokes in there. And stories. Multi-day, even multi-week stories. Things that Schultz had long since abandoned by the 1990s. You could actually understand why the comic strip was so beloved.
EFFORT was put in back then. But by the 1990s, Schults sat down, his hand trembling, he shat out this one panel comic with two words, and said, “Where’s my beer? I’ve earned it.”
Joe Grunge. Fuck you.
He was trying to update the comic in the most lazy was possible. I mean, the Red Baron…this is a World War I reference, one that Erin didn’t get, by the way. I don’t think that kids in the 1990s were particularly interested in Manfred von Richthofen or World War I generally.
A horntard mentions Joe Cool. Erin says, “I remember Joe Cool.”
Great story, Erin.
Anyway, Peanuts is total shit. It was entirely marketing. Charles Schultz didn’t give a fuck about the comic by the 1980s. He just wanted to market everything. And it all became bland, homogonized, unfunny shit. Who are these people who find Peanuts post the 1980s or certainly the 1990s even REMOTELY endearing? What did you like about it? Show me a single funny comic strip.
And those awful television “specials” that he would crank out. I don’t even want to get started on that putrid shit.
34:15 – They’re playing Fishing Derby, or something. Erin is dreadful at it.
40:45 – Strawberry Shortcake. Erin doesn’t know the names of any of the characters, of course.
“I was more Rainbow Brite. I liked Strawberry Shortcake but I know the Rainbow Brite names but I admittedly don’t know all of these guys’ names.”
Erin, just admit that this is all before your time. It’s fine. Nobody cares. But she has to try to keep up this bizarre charade that she’s all about the 1980s, even though she was born in 1987 or 1986, depending on whether or not you believe that Cykill86 was Erin’s screen name or not.
44:00 – “I’ve never played any Neo Geo Pocket.”
You don’t say.
They’re playing Gremlins. Mike is explaining the concept. Erin says, “I’ve only seen the Gremlins once. I liked it.”
Uh huh.
Oh, I found that Peanuts article. It’s from 1993.
https://www.newspapers.com/newspage/418098180
It’s not quite the article. You have to pay for it. But here’s some of it:
You were good, Charlie Brown. When Charlie Brown finally hit a home run and won a baseball game late last month, speculation began in some the quarters, that the unprecedented success of lovable loser marked the beginning of the end of “Peanuts.” Next, the thinking went, Lucy would let him kick the football, he’d get a kite in the air and he’d score with the little red-haired girl. With these demons exorcised, the stage would be set for a few weeks of farewell strips. The long-forgotten characters such as Shermy, Frieda and Violet would return to say their goodbyes.
Schroeder and Lucy would elope. Linus would put his blanket in storage. Snoopy would slay the cat next door. And at last, amid a media orgy of praise, nostalgia and regret similar to that which Johnny Carson and Superman enjoyed last year and “Cheers” and “Knots Landing” are enjoying this year, the Peanuts gang would make a graceful and overdue exit from the comics pages. Overdue because “Peanuts” has become the Mickey Mantle of the funnies- -a once mighty force that is hanging on too long past its prime.
Mantle, a lifetime .298 hitter, hobbled through 1967 and 1968, his last two years, batting a mediocre (statistic missing). Peanuts simply isn’t amusing or relevant anymore. “Sure, life in the desert can be lonely at times,” thought Snoopy’s cousin Spike, sitting amid the cacti in the Feb. 25 strip. “But at least you know you’re not going to get hit in the face with a pie. He is then hit in the face with a pie.
(Missing chunk). “Probably he thinks. Last week, “Peanuts” spent four days mining the subject of what happens when the school bus doesn’t show up. Sample punch lines, “Does anyone remember the name of our school?” and “Ask if he remembers any of us.” Wednesday, the whole strip was Woodstock sliding off Snoopy’s head on the sleeping dog’s partly raised ear. Months now go by without a chuckle from Charlie Brown. Not to say that this makes “Peanuts” unique- “Fred Basset,” “Hagar the Horrible” and “Hi and Lois” are among the supposedly humorous strips that are similarly barren.
But is different from those others. used to matter. In the 1960s and 1970s, when its characters were NASA mascots and featured on the covers of Time, Newsweek and Life, the strip was a powerful and intriguing cultural force. Charlie Brown and ensemble were wry, ironic, philosophical and even theological junior adults, in a way, far more subtle and complex than the comics’ characters we were used to. I speak as a fan.
I bought all the books of strips when I was growing up, and some of the first analytical essays I ever wrote were 4th-grade speculations about the “Peanuts” kids, their geography, their relationship to their unseen parents and the degree to which they understood the thought balloons over Snoopy’s head. “What’s this?” asked Charlie Brown as Linus approached him at night holding a candle in a strip from a 1966 book. “I have heard,” said Linus, “that it is better to light a single candle than to curse the 99” Charlie Brown answered, “That’s true, although there will always be those who will disagree with you In the final panel we saw Lucy, raging against a black background, “You stupid darkness!” You may not find this still funny, though I do, but for its time, remember, it was cutting edge humor in newspaper comics. Creator Charles Schulz dealt gently and wisely with such topics as failure, insecurity, fantasy, love and politics, and the public went wild for “Peanuts” on Broadway and on TV.
‘Peanuts’ books flew out of the stores in their heyday,” said Bill Rickman, now president of Kroch’s and Brentano’s Inc. bookstores. “We used to carry 20 or 30 titles face out in a whole 4-foot section in our stores. Now we carry just four to six titles, and they don’t sell very well.” Pat Peterson, co-owner of Barbara’s Books, said she hasn’t carried “Peanuts” collections in 10 years because of lack of demand. “Maybe it’s just too gentle for our times,” she said. The newest generation of groundbreaking comics, “Calvin and Hobbes,” “Doonesbury,” “The Far Side,” and “Mr. Boffo,” for example, are edgy, dark, absurd and harshly satirical. “Peanuts,” meanwhile, is recycling the themes over and over again. What was Monday’s “Joe Grunge” joke, with Snoopy in fashionable rags, but a dusting off of the ancient “Joe Cool” joke? “Peanuts” remains the most widely syndicated strip in the world and surveys consistently put it in the top five in readership. But I suspect this reflects habit, not passion or keen interest. I read it every day myself, though it often makes me cringe-not so much because of what it is but because of what it was.
Schulz, 70, told me in an interview this week that he is “absolutely not” going to retire or bring the strip to a conclusion, and that he feels “Peanuts” is actually funnier than it’s ever been. Charlie Brown deserves better. He and the gang deserve a spectacular and grateful sendoff for all they have meant to us since 1950, a valedictory tour, a national day of tribute and farewell, not a fade. “The Cosby Show” knew when to go.
Peanuts limped on for seven more years, only ending when Charles Schultz died.
I’m scanning the last hour of this Zombie Gums video and Erin NEVER plays. It’s always Mike. She just gets a blanket like she’s about to go to sleep.
1:39:15 – Mike: “I want to show you what the real one looks like.”
Erin: Yeah, I forget what that one looks like.
You know what obscure game they’re talking about here? DONKEY KONG. Erin has never seen DONKEY KONG on the Atari 2600. Or at least she “forgets” what it looks like. Fucking unbelievable.
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A Corpse Conducts His Own Funeral, Ghost Cows, & More! Feat: Crystal Quin
2:45 – It starts with some tattooed douchebag with his cap on backwards teasing the upcoming discussion which will involve a corpse conducting his own funeral and a ghost cow. This better be conducted in a sarcastic fashion. If this is given any credence whatsoever, this is going to be ridiculously stupid.
Speaking of ridiculously stupid, our old friend Crystal “Horseface” Quin is in this one. Maybe they brought her on to lend her expertise on farm animals. Horse. Cow. Zing! I don’t know. She’s so fucking insufferable.
This is a Zoom call. The two guys have a channel where they do THIS every week and the videos rarely get over a thousand views. Hometown Ghost Stories. Who’s the market for this? Retards? Who over the age of ten believes in GHOSTS?
So anyway, we’ve got the two hosts of the show, Bearded Faggot with a Backwards Baseball Cap #1 and Bearded Faggot with a Backwards Baseball Cap #2. For brevity, I’ll just call them “Fag 1” and “Fag 2.” And then we’ve got Horseface as the guest.
Fag 1 says that they don’t have “Jessie” today. This must be the third host. Let’s see who this man or woman is. If it’s a man, odds are they’ll have a beard and a backwards baseball cap.
Believe it or not, yes. It’s a guy. It’s a guy with a beard and a backwards baseball cap. Unbelieveable. Why did they all go with the exact same look? Don’t they know how ridiculous this looks?
3:30 – Fag 1 says, “Crystal, have you been up to anything spooky since the last time you were on?” Horseface says, “No.”
GREAT CHAT, HORSEFACE.
“I’m in Florida now. Just moved in August and it’s been very summery all year round and it hurts my soul.”
Well, that was spookily boring, I guess. Florida is warm, shocker. Why this upsets her, who the fuck knows or cares?
“Pumpkin spice just doesn’t taste the same.”
Fuck off. Bring on the cow spectres.
https://www.patreon.com/hometownghoststories
There’s the Patreon. Three hundred members. What the fuck? Can you join for free? Oh, you can. That makes more sense then. How many of these 300 are paying? Has to be less than 10%, right?
4:30 – So they get to the first headline. “This is from 1910.”
Hardly “news”, is it?
So Fag 1 reads the article, poorly, and then they talk about how preposterous it all is. So at least they’re not taking this seriously. But…what they’re saying isn’t remotely funny.
Shitting on articles from over a century ago that are clearly untrue isn’t really fodder for comedy. Or if it is, they’re not mining any gold out of it.
It would be like looking at old National Enquirer articles from the 1970s about aliens or Elvis sightings (after he died) or whatever. I guess that it COULD be funny and/or interesting, but you’d have to have people who have funny and/or interesting things to say. And these bearded fags and their backwards baseball caps aren’t it.
Couldn’t they at least Google this guy’s name to see if anything comes up? Maybe he’s on Find a Grave.
https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/17795345/francis-marion-buffenbarger
Yeah, indeed. This is it. The article was about Ohio and that’s the guy. Fag 1 said that the article was from 1910 but this guy died in 1912. So that alone raises some questions.
The article in Find a Grave explains what happened. It was a guy who conducted his own “funeral” while he was still alive. Big deal. That’s the story. Let’s move on. This was nothing to do with ghosts.
8:30 – Horseface is checking her messages on her phone. What a piece of shit.
Oh my god. Then they just move on. All that happened is that Fag 1 read the story and then Fag 2 said, “I don’t understand this” while Horseface played on her phone. THAT’S IT.
They didn’t spend the two fucking seconds that I did to investigate this. It was just an old guy conducting a mock “funeral” for himself. Who cares? But tell your six retarded viewers what actually happened. It wasn’t a “corpse”. There’s nothing spooky about any of this. It was a bored, lonely old man who wanted to conduct his own “funeral” while still alive.
9:15 – So after that complete NOTHING, Fag 1 moves on to the next article, which is from 1920. And it’s nothing to do with ghosts. It’s about not being able to mail people. And the article references mailing fish, which Fags 1 and 2 and Horseface seem perplexed by. “Who mails fish?”
HOW DO YOU THINK THE FISH IN THE RESTAURANT OR IN THE GROCERY STORE GOT THERE, YOU FUCKING CRETINS? They’re thinking like putting a cod in an envelope and going to the post office. They’re complete fucking retards. We’re talking about SHIPPING. The fish are put into crates or something, loaded onto trucks, loaded onto trains, and SHIPPED.
And in any event, as these people freely admit, this has NOTHING to do with ghosts or any “spooky” stuff. The only thing “spooky” here is their zombie-level intelligence.
11:30 – Then they just move on again. After a complete nothing of a conversation over this complete nothing article. Fag 2 said that he got frozen beef shipped to him from Japan and then that’s it. That’s the discussion. He got beef in the mail so he thinks, “Well, that’s okay, but I still don’t want frozen fish.” Still nobody understanding what the word “mailed” means in this context.
Fucking awful. These people are idiots. The backwards baseball caps was my first clue.
So this next article is from 1897. Let’s see how many seconds it will take me to explain this “spooky” article while these morons talk about nothing.
There’s a “super chat” or something. Nanci says, “I’ve ordered life (sic) fish through the mail.”
Great stuff. These are the people watching this shit. IMBECILES.
So the story is about a man with mental illness and Horseface keeps making annoying faces every time the phrase “coon hunting” comes up. I guarantee 100% that she thinks that this is a racist term. No idea that this is referring to raccoons.
So Fags 1 and 2 suggest that it’s rabies and Horseface agrees. Great so…what is this? So far they have ZERO ghost articles.
14:00 – I live in hope. The next article is from 1898. Guy killed himself and Fag 1 said “unalived” rather than “killed himself.” WHERE ARE THE GHOST STORIES, BOYS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I’ll give them one more chance.
Fag 2 actually pointed out the obvious thing that I was thinking when Fag 1 kept expressing confusion as to why there was a casket in this guy’s house. There was no life insurance and so people would be more prone to buy a casket while they’re still alive so as not to burden their family with the expenses.
17:15 – Next article. Fag 1 says that he laughed at this one so I’m not expecting a ghost story here. It’s from 1913. Somebody with the name of “O. Dammit” wants their name changed. Well, I’m done. I’m just going to watch the rest of this section to see if anybody mentions the OBVIOUS hole in this story of, “Who the fuck refers to themselves by their first initial?”
Then bonus points for anyone who mentions F Scott Fitzgerald or J Edgar Hoover but those are people who used the first initial combined with their middle name. Because they presumably preferred their middle name. This was something that wasn’t that uncommon in the American South and is perhaps still practiced. But somebody with a name like “O. Dammit” would OBVIOUSLY not do this. They’d use their first name. Ollie. Problem solved.
And his name is Orlando. So it’s right there in the article. Surely, somebody will point out how little sense this makes.
Well, they mentioned that his name was in the article and so at least his name wasn’t “O. Dammit” but they don’t point out that this completely destroys the logic of the article.
And then Fag 1 talks about a football player with the name Charles (or something) Otton (or something) and how this makes his uniform say “C. Otton” or “cotton.” Fag 1 then denounces this guy’s parents for doing something so terrible. FOR DOING WHAT? Giving him a normal name when their last name is “Otton”? How were they to know that their son would become a professional football player and the jerseys use the person’s first initial and last name? And even if they were armed with that knowledge, what’s the big deal about having “cotton” on your jersey?
This is awful. Where would I place this? I think that it’s better than the Cinemassacre Podcast but worse than Pam aka CannotBeTamed’s podcast that she does with her lesbian friend, Point and Drink Adventure.
Ooh, what about Zap Cristal’s podcast? Where would I rank that? God, that one must be the worst of them all. Worse than the Cinemassacre Podcast. At least the Cinemassacre Podcast could be enjoyed ironically.
Hack the Movies…as boring as it is, and it’s definitely boring, I’d probably put it above all of these other podcasts. He just summarises the movie but…if you’re into movie summaries, that’s the podcast to go to. I’d rather listen to that then fucking Pam and her girlfriend discussing their wine of the week.
Pegwarmers…it was perfectly watchable back when he was doing it in the Screenwave studio but once he moved to his basement and stopped having guests, that was it. I don’t want to listen to this guy talk about his favourite GI Joe’s from 1988. So I’d place current Pegwarmers…well, actually, even in its current form, it might be the best podcast of them all. Yeah, I’ll put Pegwarmers at the top just in terms of what I’d actually want to listen to, if forced to listen to one of these things.
But yeah, Hometown Ghost Stories…absolutely horrendous. Mercifully, Horseface didn’t say much. But why would I want to listen to bearded idiots with their hats on backwards talking about NOTHING for 75 minutes? They obviously put no effort into any of this. They did no research at all. They didn’t even have basic insights into how society functions. And their ancedotes were irrelevant and uninteresting.
How long have they been doing this? Three years. So this is them with three years of experience. This is not going to work out. Straighten your hats out and go do something with your lives.
Horseface actually advertised this.
Nobody replied. Not even the horntards could get behind this trash.
“Here I am with a hot chick. That makes me hot by proxy, right?”
To the contrary, Horseface. It only shines a bigger spotlight on just how unattractive you are by comparison.
Horseface is wearing her half a top as usual. Now that she’s in Florida, she can wear her half a top year round. What a treat for those people.
One of the horntards asks if Horseface was drinking alcohol. Horseface says that she was not but that her friend had a lot of liquor in her drink. I can understand that second part. Listening to Horseface’s tedious, self-obsessed bullshit probably requires a lot of alcohol. But the fact that Horseface was so eager to point out that she’s not drinking suggests a drinking problem. A person without an alcohol problem is able to drink socially but alcoholics have to completely abstain.
“Producer/Actor/Personality.” That’s Horseface’s description. A woman with maybe the most off-putting personality ever is trying to make a living by her personality. Good luck with that.