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The worst 28 years later review on YouTube – Newt Wallen
Let me just try to get through this. It’s the third in his trilogy of reviews and I covered the previous two so…for the sake of completeness. Besides, PVC Bondage Guy is in this one. I can see if she’s done with the seemingly neverending “bulking” phase of her workout regime.
0:00 – I don’t think so. She’s drinking a soda and not looking any slimmer. I don’t care if it’s diet. Just water. That’s all that she should be drinking. Enough with the “bulking”, it’s time for the “cutting.”
0:15 – “I was saying that it’s Pride Month so it’s 28 Queers Later, and it’s the long-awaited sequel to 28 Gays Later.”
PVC Bondage Guy laughs at this unbelievably childish half-joke, just another unfunny pun that even diminishes the low status of puns. But I refuse to believe that she actually finds any of this funny. How can she? How can anyone? She’s laughing to be polite but she needs to speak up. Newt, this shit is not funny. You’re not funny. And you can’t write for shit. Why is nobody telling this guy this stuff? These aren’t friends. This is what happens when you surround yourself with prostitutes and pay them for their company. They just agree with whatever you’re saying.
There were people telling Newt that his ideas are all shit and that he can’t write. Ryan Schott, Justin Silverman, probably Tony from Hack the Movies. So it’s not just me. Anyone with a functioning brain will reach this conclusion. But Newt refuses to accept reality so surrounds himself with prostitutes so that he can continue to live in his delusional bubble.
Then a long story about Newt having to urinate. What the fuck is this? Who cares?
There’s a fly in the car that they keep getting distracted by. Open the fucking window. What’s wrong with you retards?
Then a security guard asks them to leave.
7:45 – So they’re in Newt’s apartment now.
I’m ten minutes in and I don’t think that anything is going to happen. Newt is just summarising the movie now. I don’t want to watch this for another thirty minutes.
What does PVC Bondage Guy do with the rest of her time? There’s the wrestling, I guess. And she works, wherever, some factory or something. I suppose that doesn’t leave much time for anything else. It seems a shame that she spends her precious free time with this fucking loser.
She needs to find a gym buddy. Somebody who’s going to take her exercising seriously. Not weight lifting. Fuck that. She needs straight up exercise. She needs to lose 100 pounds.
What’s a hip exercise class? Are they still doing Zumba? Oh my god. Maybe they are.
https://phillydancefitness.com/zumba/
And look at the size of those women. Holy shit. It doesn’t seem to be working. Why would they use giant fat chicks to advertise this?
“Forget about the workout — Join the PARTY!”
Exactly. There’s fun to be had.
There are classes Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday, so it must be well-attended. They also stream the classes if you don’t want to attend in person.
It seems insane to me that Zumba is still around. What about Tae Bo?
“A lot of people, when they hear Tae Bo, they say, ‘Oh, that was done a long time ago,’ ” Billy Blanks tells PEOPLE. “But it’s still one of the most popular exercises that people do.”
Well, I’m not sure if Billy Blanks, the creator of Tae Bo, is entirely impartial.
There’s a Tae Bo Philadelphia Facebook group but it hasn’t been updated since 2020, it’s unofficial, and it only has 60 members.
What else? Jazzercise?
Well, let’s not be ridiculous. We have the exercise. Zumba. Classes in Philadelphia. They also have ballet classes, Bollywood, burlesque and strip tease? And it’s the same fat chicks in the picture. No thanks. Contemporary. Ooh, Dance Party Boot Camp. That sounds…great. Hip-hop, jazz, something called “piloxing”. A boxing thing, maybe. Pilates. Tap. Hey, tap dancing might be good.
Prices are a little…confusing. It’s $85/month for unlimited classes but I don’t think that this includes ballet for some reason and you have to commit to the full year. So that’s bullshit. I think it’s $125/month for unlimited classes, cancel any time. But again, no ballet for some reason. Well, fuck ballet. PVC Bondage Guy isn’t interested in ballet. She’s there for the Zumba. And maybe the Dance Party Boot Camp.
I don’t know. It seems like a lot of money. Is this a viable business? How many people are doing this?
Oh, there’s also an official Zumba app. It’s $14.99/month AND $8.25/month. No explanation about what these fees are for. Why are there two? You can’t get just one. So why not list it as a single price? Oh, you have to pay $99 up front (that’s the $8.25 for the year) and then $14.99/month on top of that. What complete fucking bullshit. Not worth it. To watch Zumba videos at home? You can watch Zumba videos for free on Youtube, presumably.
Oh, this is HELLA gay. Where are the sexy ladies? “Latin dance”? Not a “Latin” lady to be found.
What is this shit? Why is it always some gay MAN leading the dance? Get him the fuck out of there. I just want to see sexy latinas shaking their asses.
Newt finished the video, by the way. Did he like the movie? Oh god, I was barely paying attention. Let’s just say “yes.”
This is more like it. Although, it’s just a “short”. But imagine fucking 250 pound PVC Bondage Guy doing this. Well, I don’t want to discourage her. We all have to start somewhere. And I’m sure she can do it. I mean, she’s wrestling. She must be somewhat flexible and mobile, even in her “bulked up” state.
Anyway, it seems that there really aren’t any Zumba videos on Youtube. Other than that shit where it’s some gay men leading the “class.” So there’s a real gap in the market. PVC Bondage Guy can take those classes at Philadelphia Dance Fitness, or wherever, get good at it, do it for at least a year, and then start making instructional videos. It would be better than what she’s doing now.
It would be a hit. Maybe not in terms of viewers but as far as personal growth and creativity are concerned, it’s a homerun.
Before she starts these Zumba classes, she should take a “before” picture. And chart her weight loss journey. Then at the end, she can hold up a pair of her old trousers and say, “Can you believe I used to fit into THESE?”
Where did I see pictures like that? Jenny Craig ads? Is Jenny Craig still around?
Wow, they apparently shut down two years ago. I’m astonished that it lasted that long. Apparently, people are opting for ozempic and shit nowadays as opposed to eating right and exercising.
Anyway, good luck to PVC Bondage Guy on her weight loss journey, should she ever choose to start it. And, as always, fuck Newt.
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LOVE ME – Hazzaween
Full disclosure here: this beast of the ham was not my first choice for an article. Nor would she even be my second. I doubt any man chooses her, unless it’s closing time and he’s just pounded back his thirteenth Johnnie Walker. Then, and only then, would this flabby loaf resemble anything close to an adequate selection.
So why then, write at all?
I’ve started this off begging more questions than Blonde Logic begs for gifts; this is bad journalism. Let me stop burying leads—although maybe it’s okay to bury a few; the truffle pig known as “Hazzaween” will surely sniff them out for us later.
Starting off, that godawful name. Hazzaween. She’s one of those people, isn’t she? Where their whole fucking personality is Halloween. They yelp with joy when a Spirit pop-up shop opens—in, like, August—because greedy, soulless corporate fucks can’t give us a week without ramming another holiday down our throats. But some people live for this shit. They spend 100 days of every year contemplating the intricacies of that stupid fucking Charlie Brown Christmas special. I hate all of that shit, and every time it comes around, I want to vomit. Stop with this Halloween shit, you dumb, dumb child.
So the video starts, and she’s playing one of those indie jump-scare games. What a surprise. Because jump-scare games are definitely not the go-to of every hack gamer YouTube channel—so she can yelp and pretend any of this is even remotely “scary.” Or maybe she actually is scared, in which case, God help her. God has no intention of helping her; I mean, look at that face. What is it about the stereotypical fat British girl’s face? With the gap between her two front teeth. That’s so common—is it because she opens her mouth so wide to shove food down her gullet that a rift has opened between them?
Anyway, like an abundance of these British gamer-girl YouTubers, she’s got the worst accent ever, and it feels like someone’s hammering a nail into my head whenever she cracks open that gargantuan maw. The game looks fucking stupid too. It’s that mock “retro” style that hack indie devs use in lieu of actually developing an original aesthetic. And it never looks right, either—like it’ll be a game with Sega Genesis graphics, but randomly there will be high-fidelity visual effects, and the music will be a Game Boy chiptune. Fuck off with that inauthentic shit. Why do you have to turn every past cultural artifact into a commodity? I detest all of that crap. Screenwave—or what did those slobs change their name to? Retrowave? They went into this line of business. That just sums it up: you know it’s a bad path when you share something in common with that soulless, greedy, cash-grabbing, blouse-wearing Ryan guy who made his fortune puppeting around the retard James Rolfe.
So the game changes to a bus scene. It looks like dogshit. There are amateur Doom WADs that look better than this crap. It doesn’t look retro; it doesn’t look like anything. It’s just a visual mess with some gaudy filter on top to give it a false sense of identity—much like Hazzaween. She makes a comment about the fact the bus driver is just a silhouette: “Bit weird that our bus driver—we can’t even see who it is.” Greatly put there, Hazza. Another master of eloquence. Not to mention the fact the observation is plain stupid—of course they made it a shadow; this indie dev sucks at art.
And now she’s reading out the dialogue. Good grief. I get it, she has to respond to something, and it’s just boring-ass dialogue right now, so her only choice is to read it. But man—her intonation on every sentence is just wrong. It’s like she wants to do a character voice, but her vocal cords are too slack from all the submarine sandwiches she’s shoved down her throat. Then something in the dialogue makes her break into song for some reason; the lyrics aren’t even what the guy said. She’s just one of these creatures. Noise-makers, I call them. They can’t go ten seconds without opening their fucking yap. I went out with a girl like that and it was absolute torture. She’d be in another room, alone, doing something—and I’d hear her talking to herself loudly. Shut the fuck up. The world isn’t your goddamn ampitheater. And they never have anything of worth to say. It’s just sound making for the sake of it. Anyway, moving on…
I’ve barely even progressed in the video—not that it matters. The whole thing is going to be like this: completely without merit. Just noise emanating from this hog’s flabby, bloated, dead-body-they-found-in-a-river face. How do people like this even exist, let alone consider themselves entertaining enough to make a YouTube channel. It boggles the mind. But to get back to that lead I buried at the start of this post—they’re all fucking like this. I looked at a dozen of them today, searching for anything, ANYTHING noteworthy to talk about. You have that ugly ass black called PelvicGamer or whatever, some Vtuber playing Minecraft, SupaNintendoGirl who hasn’t uploaded in 11 months, and that weirdly uncanny whore OctaviusKing nee OctaviusKitten, who, I guess wants to be a dude now? So slightly drops her voice half an octave like that Theranos scammer–but the shtick isn’t gonna work, since the only reason she got a spotlight to begin with was because she went around the British retro Youtubers one by one, gobbling up their jissom. She started off with the low-level marginal figures like NostalgiaNerd and slowly moved her way up a step at a time to Guru Larry and finally the great Ashens himself. It was like watching some kind of Cinemax movie, except with really, really ugly actors. And she looks like utter shit now; god only knows what kind of pills she’s on. I mean she didn’t look particularly stellar to begin with, but at least you could sort of make out the possibility of a person. Now when you look at her it’s like staring into a dead end. But just to sum up, that’s why I ended up talking about the pallid, beached whale known as Hazzaween–it’s an optionless duress. The same kind every British male endures when he becomes chained to one of these things. They should all kill themselves en masse and save themselves the trouble, but they believe the material plane to be the one and only reality, and over-the-hill, raucous fatasses to be their only access to love. It’s sad, really.
So I skipped ahead a bunch, proving myself right with every click of the mouse. It’s just idiotic noise-making anywhere you stop the cursor. 9:51—she’s actually screaming now, so loud that it’s clipping the mic. Are you serious with this shit? Who in their right mind wants to sit through 10 minutes of inanity just get their eardrums blown out? What the fuck. Then the shot changes to a close-up of her doing the fakest fake cry I ever heard, with her pale, doughy hands covering her face—and her fingernails are filthy too. Disgusting freak. Wash your fucking fingernails. Then it jump-cuts to the game again, and in the game she’s looking in a mirror and suddenly yells, “WHAT THE FUCK?” Yeah. I bet that’s the same reaction she has in real life. What a nauseating sow.
I can’t go on with this one. I feel my soul being stamped upon with every extra second I subject myself to this loathsome sloth of humanity. Nietzsche was right.
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Mario Kart SNES: Racing Through Nostalgia While Sulking for a Switch 2 – Blonde Logic
When the video opens with this horribly saturated AI-generated femsonic, you already know it’s gonna be shit.
First off, what’s with the name? Blonde Logic? That’s an oxymoron, right?
And from the title, she’s “sulking for a switch 2.” What? There’s something off about that sentence, but I can’t put my finger on it. At first I thought it was a typo for skulking, like she’s skulking around eBay looking for one or something. But no. Sulking. And anyway, the Switch 2 wasn’t even sold out. It’s everywhere. They made millions of the damn things. It meant that all those Mexican scalpers were left holding dozens of them with nowhere to sell them at the usual huge markup prices. It was the one thing Nintendo got right—all while fucking the gaming community in the ass, of course.
But I’m not meant to be commenting on Nintendo’s evil business practices, I’m meant to be talking about this chick, playing Super Mario Kart on what is almost surely an emulator. And first thing you notice is her godawful northern british accent, which makes every word sound like it came from the mouth of a choked cat. The ‘northern’ thing is probably the other third of her personality (the first two-thirds being she has blonde hair and she’s a gamer). Now we have a complete human, or at least a facsimile thereof, onto which we may project our unsatisfied male desires… But frankly, from her other videos, I see she’s in her forties. So nothing doing.
But more to the point, why the fuck is she playing Mario Kart GP on 50cc? Is she fucking retarded? Granted the last time she probably even played this, Slipknot were still popular, but still. 50cc? Even the shittiest Mario Kart player in the world can stay in the game at 100cc. She probably never even played it. She probably watched her brothers play it or something.
And she picks Yoshi. Fucking Yoshi. Good grief.
She says how it’s a ‘tough game’. Oh really? You remember that it’s tough from that one time in 1995 when your brother handed you the controller, for 2 minutes, while he rolled a joint. I bet you she lived in a council house too. Kind of place you can’t walk a block without someone flinging a green glass bottle at you or yelling COME ON THEN LOVE, SHOW US YER KNICKERS! And through that harrowing experience, Blonde Logic learned to turn male attention into material gain…
She’s saying it’s a nostalgia overload. She almost sounds sincere. I almost believed it. With the little giggle and everything. You almost had me fooled, you minx! But then she ruins it all by heaping on blatant lies like she “put in quite a few hours on this game back in the day” Really, bitch? Then why are you playing as fucking YOSHI and why are you playing on 50cc? If horseshit had a name it would be Blonde Logic, and it would carry the same odor as her words.
Now evidently, she doesn’t know how to drift. You press the R button, you bovine dunce. You dimwit. You stooge. Even I remember that, and I haven’t played the game the same amount of time you haven’t. I didn’t even own an SNES. I was a Sega kid. And I still know more about the game than you.
Now she’s talking about the Switch 2 again. This strikes me as an appeal to the horntards. Somebody buy her a $500 device so she doesn’t have to ‘sulk’ anymore. 42 years old by the way, this woman.
She’s saying she put it on ‘easy’ (not a thing, it’s 50cc) so that she ‘wouldn’t make a dick out of herself’. Too late. You are both a dick and a cunt. At the same time. Liberals love you, for you prove their worldview correct.
The thing is, she’s not even playing that poorly. She’s way in front of every character; well no shit—it’s on 50cc. She just fucking lapped Toad. This is more boring than listening to Blonde Logic talk about her trip to Sainsburys.
Now she’s saying the capture card has audio lag so that’s why her reactions aren’t synced to the video properly. Frank told her how to fix it apparently. First of all, just shift the audio track then, dumb bitch. Secondly, who the fuck is Frank? Probably some horntard who helps her with all her technical issues for free, while she makes inane comments about how she ‘can’t do tech’. What a sack. I bet her job is like secretary or human resources. Her real job, I mean—before she started the softcore OF that is retro games YouTube.
Now we have to sit through all the transitions between stages. Good god. Just cut it. It takes ten seconds. Retard. She’s talking about editing while this is happening by the way, for the irony factor. She’s still talking about the audio being out of sync and how she has to shift it. Yeah. That’s something you can do in Premiere—you unlink audio track and hit alt+left a few times. It takes literally 10 seconds. Whereas you just spent 3 minutes talking about it. Heifer.
Now she’s on Ghost Valley, or whatever the fuck it’s called. What’s the betting she fucks up the feather jump? Not that it matters, because she’s ahead of all players, because it’s on 50cc. I know, I’m a broken record. But this hoofed livestock probably is too. I bet she’s one of those girls who says dumb shit when you’re in bed and ruins the moment. Just to open her dumb gasbag mouth. She lapped Toad again. Fuck this, I can’t watch anymore.
She doesn’t show herself at all this video, no little picture-in-picture in the corner showing her cleavage or nothing. And at first I was going to commend her on that, until I saw that on the Minecraft video she does have picture-in-picture (with caked on makeup like a whore). Then realized the real reason she didn’t do it on the Mario Kart video was because Frank wasn’t available. It’s why she put that sneaky little dig in about Frank telling her about audio editing and her having to do it herself. She wanted Frank to be a good little cuckold and do his unpaid job, not to give her advice. Give a woman a fish, that’s Blonde Logic’s motto. Fuck teaching her shit. She’s incapable of learning. It’s why, after 30 years, she’s still playing Super Mario Kart on the weakest difficulty. What a twat.
She is showing low cut in the ‘birthday gifts’ video by the way–presumably that’s the reward to the horntards for buying her shit from her Amazon wishlist. This was 2 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago she got a bunch of presents and now she’s whining that she doesn’t have a Switch. What a greedy orifice this person is. Also, a dumpy frump too; she looks like the kind of girl who’d have an arranged marriage and wear a potato sack on her head.
Someone put the sack back on. Stop begging for gifts, you hole.
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Nintendo Switch 2 Unboxing – Destiny Fomo
The triumpant return of Madam Fomo to Youtube. I don’t even want to watch. It’s going to be complete tedious trash as usual where she just shows a foot of cleavage and calls it a day.
But what the fuck are those things on her forehead? It looks like she has two big bruises on each side of her forehead. I assume that they’re not bruises given the somewhat symetry but…what are they then? Makeup? Who would intentionally do that?
Maybe her pimp TuanX was just working both his left and his right.
2:45 – She shows a brief clip of her stream where she bought this shit and it has her scam “text me” thing on the screen. One of the more peculiar scams that she and TuanX run but they’ve been doing it for years so it must be lucrative.
5:00 – Her middle finger, at the bottom of her nail, is all busted up. What the hell am I looking at? What happened? How did she get all of these injuries? TuanX? A rough john? Catfight with another prostitute?
And I’m looking on Twitter and there’s no reference to anything happening. It’s just the usual self-absorbed, tedious nerd-baiting cosplay shit. Does she have the same…yeah. Is it just her hair? I considered that.
She claims to have been in some BBC article and that the woman next to her is her sister. So…presumably, her sister is a prostitute too. If that is actually her sister. Because…look at her. And we know for certain that Madam Fomo is a prostitute.
Everybody in the comments makes references to black men’s penises, which Madam Fomo gleefully entertains. This was the “joke”, after all. Her pimp TuanX is a black man, of course.
She didn’t even link to the article. She just has a screenshot. Now I have to look this up.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/ckgxwe774zwo
There’s the article. Not found: Madam Fomo.
Total bullshit. Yet another lie from this prostitute. There are pictures in the article. Plenty of them. Pictures of people waiting in line. But not one of Madam Fomo and her fellow prostitute “sister”.
I’m reading the comments. Surely, if that picture was ever in the article, people would have commented about it. Nothing. 1100 comments, not one of them saying something like, “What’s with the prostitute picture?”
So Madam Fomo completely fabricated that she was in this BBC news article. She, or her pimp TuanX, or some desperate john, went through the effort to mock up a fake screenshot of this. FOR WHAT? A racist penis “joke”?
Back to the video.
5:15 – Madam Fomo says that she met some “friends” at this Nintendo store and she posts a picture of her with two giant nerds who presumably paid her for sex.
Madam Fomo also has noticeable braces and not the kind of braces that adults get, the “invisible” type. She opted for the bulky variety. This wasn’t to save money, this was a conscious decision, presumably made by her pimp TuanX.
The second picture has Madam Fomo with a guy who CLEARLY has mental retardation or something. It’s disgusting. But TuanX is pimping her out to fucking nerds, the retarded variety as well. This is the niche that he’s going for.
5:30 – “It’s always fun to just nerd out with fans.”
Uh huh. This sounds totally convincing. This isn’t a prostitute talking about having sex with nerds for money at all.
Then she ends the video by saying that she misses being on Youtube and she misses all of us. How sweet.
Comments.
Somebody asks about her dog, having seen it in the reflection of her Switch.
Oh yeah. At 1:27 you see a large dog, the type one might find in a brothel, with a cone around its head. Maybe there was an altercation with a john.
This might be the only way we ever get to see Erin’s dog. If she just accidentally shows it in the reflection of some video.
She replies to every fucking single comment. It’s so annoying. Her comments are always idiotic and pointless but so are 99% of the comments. So don’t even bother replying. But she does this to increase “engagement” and this somehow equates to more views and therefore more money for her pimp TuanX.
- “Yo I just saw you and a friend doing a quick interview in a BBC news video about the overnight launch of the switch. You’re on the news now???”
So maybe this was a video?
Oh, it’s in the video of that article I linked to. At the end, you hear Madam Fomo butchering the English language “incorporate it.” I mean, I guess written out it’s fine but listen to her pronunciation and tell me that that’s right.
- “Why haven’t you uploaded in so long?”
Madam Fomo’s idiotic response: “Life.”
By this she means that Youtube doesn’t pay as much as prostitution and her various other scams that she’s running so TuanX has to prioritise.
In one of the comments, she says that she has eight Switch 2’s. Why? What is TuanX getting out of this? Money laundering, I guess. But why launder the money through VIDEO GAMES?
- “I do believe Destiny is gay seeing how she makes out with random chicks who she’s friends with instead of guys🤢which I have nothing against, I’ll always be a fan🤮”
That was part of a rambling, emoji-filled response by some horntard. Somebody replies with, “Wtf does her sexual orientation or who she decides to kiss have anything to do with this video? Maybe try not be such a weirdo.”
Oh sure. Because people go to these videos because they’re interested in video games. Nothing to do with her showing a foot of cleavage in every video.
But I’ve not seen her kissing the ladies. This must be what she does on Twitch and maybe her god awful OnlyFans but I’d be shocked if you got anything even as explicit as that on her OnlyFans. It’s clearly to pull in the horntards, though.
- “DestinyFomo, have you ever visited London?”
Her tedious response this time: “never have.”
But a few years ago, she said that she was coming to…I don’t know if it was London but I think she said the UK. So…where else would she have gone? And she said this in the context of saying that she wanted to meet up with me, presumably so that I could pay her for sex. I declined.
So did she never go? I never saw any subsequent reference to her travelling to the UK.
- “❤ i would come on your twins 😂❤❤ and your face”
That guy isn’t subtle.
There are loads of comments about her tits, by the way. So many that it’s not even worth posting them. It’s just horny retards trying to be funny.
- “You are beautiful… and a dream 😴 come true! A Hott girl that actually loves to nerd 🤓 out over video games 🎮 is rare… every Hott girl I have ever met thought I was a loser , when I told them that I do VG in my spare time… so I am glad to see that there are some beautiful ones out there that enjoy the hobby just as much as I do. 😘”
I’m starting to think that these comments are all from the same person or a bot. Because they’re all full of emojis. But assuming this a real person, it’s yet another giant nerd who doesn’t understand that he’s being taken for a ride. Madam Fomo and her pimp TuanX are INTENTIONALLY targetting the nerd demographic and pretending to be interested in video games. It’s fake.
Real women are the ones who you’ve seen. The ones who called you a pathetic loser. They were right.
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28 WEEKS LATER Review – Newt Wallen
Before we get to the bizarre “gimmick” of the video, let’s take a look at the description.
“I never plagerised anything about this one. so its not gonna be as interesting to some of you. except I shot the review in my shower”
Seriously, Newt? How many times have you seen the word “plagiarised” since you were fired? And not even. It’s “plagiarized” in the US. A “Z” instead of an “S”. So why did the Ideas Man use an “S”?
It’s unbelievable. If there’s one word this guy should know by now it’s “plagiarized.”
So anyway, Newt is doing this review in the shower. Why? What does he expect us to do? Who’s the audience for this? Even if you’re gay, even if you find Newt attractive, why would THIS be exciting?
He has these bars in the shower. Both walls. What are these for? Grab bars for like the elderly? You wouldn’t hang a towel on them because it would get wet. Is this a shower room or a full bath that he’s in? So many questions that I don’t give a fuck about.
Newt’s hair isn’t even wet. This isn’t real. The people want to see a real shower. I…guess? Frankly, I don’t think that anybody wants this. But if there were a person out there who wants to see Newt doing a movie review in the shower, surely that person would want to see something GENUINE. Not a fucking television sitcom shower.
2:45 – “This water’s super hot, by the way.”
Well, I’m glad that your boiler is working, Newt, but…I mean…I don’t get this. Is Newt getting scalded supposed to be exciting for the viewer?
He’s just talking about the movie and some serial killer “movies” that he saw and shit like this. It’s just droning noise. The running water doesn’t help the droning at all.
5:45 – He compares the movie to Conquest of the Planet of the Apes and then I guess the mere mention of a planet ruled by apes got his dick hard and knocked the camera over.
So he resets and now he’s brushing his teeth, having finished his shower. But he’s still naked, I guess. That’s the suggestion, anyway. Who doesn’t brush their teeth naked, having just finished showering?
These blinds look kind of fucked up. Like some of the slats are broken at the end. Is this even covering the window all the way?
And what is he holding onto? Some kind of door. Oh, the glass door for the shower, I think.
7:45 – He shows his toothbrush. Newt…get a new fucking toothbrush. The bristles on that one are gone. I mean, Jesus Christ. You can get a new toothbrush for two bucks.
Let me look this up. How much are toothbrushes going for these days in the US?
You can get a pack of ten for five bucks on Amazon but it’s no-name shit. I wouldn’t trust it.
Colgate, pack for four, for $12.50. That seems reasonable. It works out to about $3 per toothbrush. What’s the problem?
I got an electric toothbrush over ten years ago and it changed my life. I went all out. It was like $150. The battery lasted, whatever, seven years and then you can’t replace it, which is bullshit. So I got another one, spent slightly less, maybe $125, and it’s just as good. You don’t need something with a bunch of speeds and shit because you’re not going to use them. Just get something good from a respectable brand like Oral-B or the like, but it doesn’t have to the top of the line.
So that’s the video. He preferred the first movie to this one. Great stuff, Newt. Needed more 9/11 references.
I’m looking for that scene where Tony from Who’s the Boss is in the shower but I can’t find it. Why not? It was even in the fucking intro, wasn’t it?
There was a UK version of Who’s the Boss called The Upper Hand. I believe that Who’s the Boss was shown in the UK and it was fairly popular so they then created this British version. I further believe that perhaps Mona made a cameo appearance in The Upper Hand.
I’ve never seen it. It’s before my time. My time in the UK, at least. It ran from 1990 to 1996, apparently.
It appears to be about a working class Londoner moving to…I don’t know…Brighton or somewhere. Brighton is nicer area than some parts of London. I guess. But this guy’s accent is about as working class as Mr Bean’s. I guess in the 1990s, working class accents still weren’t heard on British television.
And was Tony Danza particularly working class? I guess that he sounded like he was from New York. You don’t really have accents based on class in the US.
Anyway, back to The Upper Hand. Really glass-cut accents on the Angela and Jonathan characters. Who the fuck can watch this?
So Who’s the Boss? That age old question. Some sitcom did a thing on this. Community? Something.
But clearly, it’s Angela. How could it be Tony? Just because he’s a man? That seems to be the implication. No, Tony is cleaning Angela’s house. Angela isn’t cleaning Tony’s house. Why is this even up for discussion? Why did they name the entire show based on this preposterous premise?
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Pokemon Burger King Toys from 1999 – Chai Tea Valley
This video hit me in the face like a sledgehammer and I didn’t know what I was looking at until it was too late.
As soon as I turned it on, I felt jetlag at an existential level. You have this lobotomized, deadeyed girl with an oddly placed piercing and ‘#scenehair’–yes that’s one of the tags of the video—talking in monotone with terrible room echo, and jump cuts every 5-10 seconds. She’s sitting in front of a strangely offset leather couch draped over with a Pikachu bath towel and a ‘Gamer’s Spot’ novelty cushion from Hot Topic, but like the cushion is set vertically so the ‘controller here’ and ‘remote here’ patches don’t even make sense, unless the room is tilted at a 90-degree angle; and these are only the start of the visual tortures.
I don’t even think I’m making sense, but that’s just because this video is giving me vertigo, and also epilepsy I think, just like that Porygon episode they never aired; Chai Tea Valley watched that episode when she was 2 years old and hasn’t been right since. It explains the lack of affect and the way her left shoulder slumps downwards–that’s a sign of miscommunication between right and left hemisphere, and it comes on as a result of epileptic attack. How can I be sure? Because—I’m sorry I lost my train of thought again, suddenly there’s this shot-in-shot placed on the right side of the screen, where she’s showing off a Burger King bag. A used, sweaty, grease-filled burger bag from 1999—but that’s not what’s throwing me; what’s throwing me is that the video is sped up to 4x, but it’s not raw footage, it’s processed footage, which means it’s also jump cutting at 4x the speed of the main video. I want to fucking hurl.
Of course, if Chai Tea Valley watches the video back, she won’t notice this—her left field of view is distinctly isolated from her right one, it has its own personality and cognitive resources, it’s like a Docker container in her head; but point being that due to this handicap, she doesn’t realize this sort of effect makes the regular, fullbrained viewer puke.
Or maybe this is some kind of revenge, like because the Porygon episode fucked her up so much and arrested her development at the point of infancy, that she wants everyone else to know how it feels to have seizures and be obsessed with collecting first gen TCG. It’s working—I can’t feel my tongue anymore…
Oh god now the video is on the other side. She’s doing this on purpose. It’s the fucking Ludovico Technique. Oi my droogs, shall we now viddy this devotchka razrezat open a meshok of burger toys? She copped them off ebay, which means this is not her childhood at all, but in fact, a simulation of such, a means to feed the algorithm; hardly surprising given other suspicious factors (the youtube video description: “Take a nostalgic trip back to 1999…” , the tags: “#vintage, #y2k”… This y2k shit really bugs me, to break out of my semi-epileptic fit for a moment. Y2K was the name of the programming bug involving windows datetime; it doesn’t mean “several years before or after the year 2000”. That always used to be called ‘the millenium’ or ‘the turn of the century’. Never Y2K. No one started saying that shit until maybe two or three years ago, and the people who say it are always cynical nostalgia peddlers who trade on cultural memory, which is what Chai Tea Valley aspires to be, when she isn’t inducing 1999Hz hemispheric binaural beats into my golova… that’s almost Y2Khz.
Not to go on about it, but there’s something really off about this scene of her cutting open the bag: it’s sped up but she forgot to normalize the framerate. It has that weird soap opera effect like The Hobbit. Then she pulls out this garish-looking bright purple plushie doll of Oddish, adding even more elements to an already visually-horrible scene. That’s another thing about this video, it hasn’t been postprocessed so everything is too bright and saturated—but maybe it just feels like that because of the pokemon migraine this bitch gave me out of repressed childhood spite.
Now she’s reading off a script, some trivia factoid about a newspaper ad they put out to apologize for shortages of pokemon cards. She sounds like Biden reading the teleprompter. At first you might think she just fucking sucks at making videos, but I’m starting to think this is part of the hypnotic gestalt she’s setting up. The constant left/right side videos playing at different framerates make sense now–I think I saw this in a movie once, the point is to overtax your conscious mind so that the subliminal payload can enter your psyche without you defending against it. What is this shit, and why do I feel the sudden urge to go on Amazon and purchase a copy of Dianetics? This must be what happened to DancingWithGhosts: it’s why he has those weird cult books in frame when they have nothing to do with his channel; he even has the same hair as her… holy shit. I need to go take some Dramamine.
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28 Days Later Review – Newt Wallen
I think that Newt was expecting some traction out of this. So even though I’ve got other stuff going on, I’ll throw him a bone.
In a recent article, I reiterated my idea that Newt should do genuine reviews of the movie reviews he got fired for (over wholesale plagiarism). I suggested that this should be done in October to coincide with Monster Madness.
So Newt claims that he’s already had this idea, he discussed it with his “therapist”, and they suggested that he not do it. But…that’s kind of what he’s doing here. A lazy version, anyway. Why bother to put effort into anything. Effort only leads to failure, when you’re Newt Wallen and don’t have any fucking talent for this shit, anyway. So instead, he made this video that he’s at pains to tell you is just rambling nonsense.
0:00 – He starts by showing his t-shirt that has a picture of the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz saying “brains”. Some zombie thing. But…I think that we’re supposed to be in on something. This is some kind of inside joke. But I don’t get it.
0:15 – Reference to the wholesale plagiarism. He doesn’t take responsibility for it, though. He keeps going on about this INSANE idea that he expected somebody to rewrite the script for him. WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT? He has a script, he’s presenting it at his own material. Why would somebody assume that this FINISHED SCRIPT is some sort of rough draft or notes or whatever. It’s a full script. You stole it from an article from some movie blog or something. The person who wrote the original article probably spent some time on it.
Here’s something that I just thought of: why were no alarm bells being rung at Screenwave when Newt handed in a script that wasn’t full of misspelled words and grammar errors? Newt might have a point, but not the one that he’s always trying to make. It seems that Justin WAS negligent in accepting these scripts as Newt’s own work.
If I’m Newt’s boss and he hands me a script that isn’t chock full of spelling and grammar errors, I’m saying, “Wait a minute, Ideas Man. Who are you trying to kid? You didn’t write this.”
It’s like in school when you hand in work that you just copied and pasted from a book and the teacher can see that it’s far too good for any fourth grader to write. You have to be smart with your plagiarism. Dumb it down. Put it in your own words. In Newt’s case, he should have intentionally misspelled words and mangled the grammar. Make it looks realistic.
So yeah, I’m saying that Justin dropped the ball. All right? Obviously, Newt shouldn’t have plagiarised so he was wrong there. BUT, if it’s Justin’s job to oversee the scripts, he should have picked up that the script was TOO GOOD. Nothing that Newt writes can be described as even remotely good. Justin couldn’t have possibly looked at these scripts, just as Newt claims. Because Justin knows that Newt can’t write for shit, Justin had been working with Newt for YEARS by this point. He’s seen those shitty ass Shark Vampire scripts.
0:30 – It cuts to Newt strolling down his “hood” in rural Pennsylvania, representing the Pittsburgh Phillies. According to Newt’s Twitter, he lives in Allentown, Pennyslvania. But I don’t think so. The movie theatre that he works at, I don’t remember what it was, is in some small town, which I also don’t remember. But Newt wants to pretend to be some “hard” guy from Allentown.
I’m not even sure how rough Allentown is. I know it’s a stereotypical working class town but that’s all that I know. Oh, and 1990s professional wrestler Kidman famously claimed to be from Allentown. Maybe PVC Bondage Guy can somehow use that information. She’s a big wrestling fan, after all. Going way back to 2024.
Oh, yeah. Billy Kidman is down here on Wikipedia’s “notable people” from Allentown. Also Lee Iacocca? That’s surprising. Sarah Knauss, the longest living American was also from Allentown. She was 119 when she died. I wonder if Newt tweeted about it. Brian Knobbs and Jerry Saggs as well. I never liked the Nasty Boys.
Anyway, Newt is walking past some garages and they all have their doors open by like a foot and a half. Why? What is this? Maybe somebody is working in there and they want ventilation. But…I don’t know. Why not open the door all the way? And is there sufficient light with the door only open that wide?
1:07 – Really dilapidated garage behind Newt and it has old furniture in the front of it.
And then the door right next to it has the door wide open. What is this? It looks like a residential neighborhood. EVERYONE is working on their cars? That’s three doors that were open out of five garages.
Newt should get in on this. Fuck this “movie” and Youtube bullshit. Start hanging out with these cool Fonzie types and learn how to work on cars. I didn’t even know that people did that any more, what with cars being so computerised now. Maybe they’re just doing custom shit like putting spinning rims on the tyres or something. But that’s still cooler than what he’s doing. Pimp your car out.
1:15 – Newt talks about this idea of doing a review on 28 Days Later to his therapist and she then picked up her phone, typed his name into Reddit, and said, “What do you think about it?”
I want to see qualifications from this woman.
2:00 – “This is a movie that I really, really like. This is a movie that has a lot of sentimental value to me.”
So much so that he couldn’t be bothered to write an original review.
2:15 – “I’m a dumb shit who thought that he could cobble together other people’s work and pass it off as someone else’s work for clout and to move up in a company for the 20% raise that I was told I was going to get if I finished all of these. That’s me. That’s 100% me. I fucked that all up and I deserved all of the negative shit that came from it.”
Was it really cobbled from different sources? My understanding is that he just straight up took this one woman’s review and turned it in as his own work.
2:30 – “I justified it in my head by saying, ‘Well, it’s going to get rewritten.’”
I still don’t get it.
3:00 – “Unless he doesn’t understand a word like ‘bovine’ or ‘pachyderm’, it’s usually just read.”
Newt is saying that James Rolfe doesn’t rewrite anything unless there’s a word that he doesn’t understand. That’s probably true. But that’s what James is PAYING you for. To WRITE the shit. If James was interested in doing any work, he would have written it to begin with.
4:30 – Now Newt is in his movie theatre, I think.
He’s just talking…whatever. If you want to hear his thoughts, check it out. I’ll just leave it on as background noise while I discuss my own view of the film.
I enjoyed it and thought it was interesting and realistic right up until the time they entered that military…whatever it was. The mansion that was taken over by the military. Then the protagonists suddenly became inexplicably hostile and the military inexplicably sadistic.
Wait…that’s all I had to say about it, I guess.
Well, how about Panic in the Year Zero then? I had a similar issue with that movie. It was a 1962 black and white B movie about a nuclear attack. It’s surprisingly realistic. The family is trying to flee the city by car after the attack and the roads are all blocked and whatever. And they encounter some ever-so-slightly rowdy beatniks on the road. The beatniks hassle the father for a little and then the family drives on.
So the family finds some camp site or something. The father starts burying…
14:00 – Oh, shoutout to Christie, “The girl who helped me write Die Laughing.” Also the woman who died of cancer who you couldn’t stop talking about fucking up the ass when she died.
But back to Panic in the Year Zero. The father is burying coffee cans full of food or supplies or something. This was an example of the realistic things in the movie. I gather that the father learned about this kind of thing from his experiences in World War II.
But then…wouldn’t you know it…they run into the beatniks again. In this fucking secluded campground. Maybe it wasn’t even a campground. Maybe it was the woods. I think that there was a cave. But the same fucking beatniks. And the beatniks were some real jerks. I think the family ended up shooting them and regretting it. But the beatniks were asking for it, constantly. And this is right after a nuclear attack.
Let me look this up. They got shot, right?
Yeah, all of the beatniks were killed. And the movie ends with the family driving to find a doctor, being stopped by the military, and a soldier saying that the family escaped “radiation sickness” by being in the mountains when the atomic bomb exploded. Never mind all of the nuclear fallout that happened subsequently.
The movie could have been so easily fixed by having it be DIFFERENT beatniks at the campground. What are the odds that the same exact beatniks who they met on the road would also end up at the campground? And the beatniks apparently beat the family there by days or weeks. How?
22:00 – Just out of nowhere, Newt shows a picture of his “friend” Alex (a woman, of course) who died this year. She had a lung transplant.
Don’t leave us hanging, Newt. Did you fuck her in the ass or not?
He’s looking through a photo album, by the way. He turns the page and there’s a picture of him with, I think, Horseface. No, it’s some other redhaired woman who he probably fucked in the ass. But Newt has blonde hair in these pictures.
He turns to another page and it’s all movie stubs that he saved. So this is like a photo album cum scrapbook. His memories of women, most of whom are probably dead now, who he fucked in the ass.
22:45 – “I Am Legend is the first date I went on with the Redhead.”
Horseface. So what was the ass fucking like? At least Horseface is still alive. Maybe that’s why Newt is so obsessed with her. She’s the one ex-girlfriend of his who’s still alive.
23:10 – You’ll have to pause it but there’s briefly some like professional headshot of Newt that’s partly covered by some movie ticket stub. Or maybe it’s just a big picture of some dude but that doesn’t seem to fit Newt’s…whatever he’s doing with this album.
Then he ends the video by saying that it’s his attempt at a “mea culpa.” Uh huh.
9/11. I was in graduate school. People were on tv jumping out of windows and shit and I was living not too far from New York. But I was dedicated. So I went to class and it was just me and some nerdy guy and his nerdy roommate. The doors to all of the buildings were locked. So I meet up with them and said, “Is there no class today or what?” One of them says, “It seems that way.” So I went home.
That’s my fabulous 9/11 story. Almost as good as James Rolfe’s story where his father was helping him move and they ended up at a bar and a janitor said…something inconsequential to them about the television. I don’t remember exactly.
What was Newt doing? Fucking somebody in the ass, no doubt.
I’m looking for the article that Newt plagiarised from. I’m not finding it. But here’s a Reddit post talking about it.
None of the people who left comments post there any more. The original poster, “elProtagonist” is too busy posting on Star Wars and UFO subreddits. Loads of other accounts have been suspended or deleted. Fred Schachinger is only posting on Pearl Jam, Tool, and other 1990s band subreddits. Wait, MagnificentBe? He’s still around, isn’t he? No, he hasn’t posted in over a year.
So my point is that all of these inconsequential nerds have moved on. A lot of them are probably dead. Newt probably tweeted about their deaths. But Newt hasn’t moved on. He’s still talking about the same old shit. For four years.
Oh, I found the original article.
But my point is that nobody cares. These are complete losers who jumped on this nerd topic of AVGN and now they’ve moved on to other nerd shit. The current crop of nerds will do the same. Who cares?
Apparently, that’s a blog. It looks like a non-blog website but it’s using WordPress. Does that mean that it’s a blog? Maybe not.
But Mike Matei was recently talking about his blog.
https://www.mikematei.com/blog
“The blog was torn down and redesigned from scratch due to WordPress being horrendous. Now it’s just a normal website. Everything should look cleaner and load faster now.”
I use WordPress and it’s perfectly fine but Mike thinks that people give a shit about this nerdy discussion. Now I can’t even find his article where he had SOMEBODY ELSE talk about Donald Duck on Mike’s behalf. It was like the most recent article that he wrote. Well, the other person wrote, anyway. Probably Bitch Duo.
But because he got rid of WordPress, things aren’t sorted by date any more. And there’s no way to search the site. Not natively, anyway. Oh wait, no, it’s on here.
https://www.mikematei.com/blog/who-really-created-donald-duck/index.html
Shout out to David G for the bang up article.
I wish people would write articles for the blog. Somebody wrote one on Reddit and it was perfectly funny and in my style. It’s not hard to do. But you wouldn’t even have to write in my style. And you can write about whatever you want. I mean, it should probably be about a Youtuber but it doesn’t have to be. I bet there’s still that guy out there waiting for a story about the singularity. You can write it. Do what you want.
If Newt wants to write some articles, he can write them. Just try to keep the plagiarism to a minimum.
So seriously, if anyone is interested, leave a message. We could have a new article every day. All I have to do is give you some permissions on the website and you can write at your leisure directly onto the site whenever the spirit moves you.
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Erin’s Sick New Tats
We all know about Erin “Zombie Gums” Plays’ HORRIBLE candy cane/ice cream tattoo that she got when she was 19 or so on her left arm that even she’s ashamed of.
So recently, 37 year old Erin Plays decided to compound her bad decisions by getting another tattoo. Possibly more than one.
On her right arm, similar horrible placement as her candy cane/ice cream tattoo, she has the words “some day.” Wait, no, it’s “someday.” Is that a word? I guess it is.
She says that she got it from a Strokes song, her favourite band that isn’t Britney Spears.
This song obviously had an impact on old Zombie Gums. Let’s check out the lyrics.
…is this a joke? It’s nothing. It’s completely shallow nonsense about an ex-girlfriend.
Oh yeah. I remember this. It’s GAY AS FUCK. I knew it was gay then and I know it’s gay now.
And the video is about fucking Family Feud. With Richard Karn as the host. Probably the least popular Family Feud host of them all.
I’ve seen Ray Colms’ final episode probably ten times. I don’t even have to look it up, I have it memorized. Some Asian family was the winner and Ray kept making fun of the guy’s height and was a real asshole, shitting on their answers. He makes a comment like, “I thought that I was a loser” while repeating some answer that the contestant gave. Then at the end of the show, the family celebrates but Ray just walks off the set and apparently just drove home. I think they were giving him a farewell party but he didn’t attend.
He was getting replaced by Richard Dawson, the original host of Family Feud, allegedly due to declining ratings. But Richard Dawson didn’t change the decline. The show was cancelled within a year or two.
Ray Colms also killed himself within a year or two, I believe.
Let me look this up. I want to make sure I get the chronology right.
The decision to attempt to bring back Dawson was a reversal from the decision made when the revival was first proposed. Mark Goodson himself had steadfastly refused to consider Dawson for the hosting position, due in large part to his behavior and clashes with the production staff when he hosted the original series. Many of those same staff members were working on the current series, including Felsher, with whom Dawson’s relationship was particularly acrimonious. The elder Goodson also showed significant loyalty toward Combs as host, sticking with him despite the show’s struggles, but with him deceased, Dawson signed on to come back to his former position, and All American Television renewed the syndicated Feud for the following season. Combs was allowed to finish the season, and with his final episode, he tersely addressed how being displaced made him feel like “a loser” and brusquely left the studio as the credits rolled. Combs committed suicide two years later, in part because of the career collapse brought on by the hosting change and the financial ramifications of unemployment.
Right there on Wikipedia. I was dead right. And Dawson’s return only lasted a year before the show was cancelled.
These Family Feud episodes with Richard Dawson back in the late 1970s and early 1980s are entirely unwatchable. He kisses every fucking woman. People will say, “Oh, it was the 70s. That’s how things were.” No. It was controversial even at the time. People complained about it. There was a whole big letter writing campaign to try to get him to stop this shit. The producers wanted him to stop. There was some sort of public vote on this.
There’s Ray Colms’ final episode, if you’re interested.
Somebody in the comments suggested that Ray could have started a proto-blog after getting fired. Interesting take. As though that would have changed anything.
Somebody else mentions that the father on Alf also walked off the set after the last day. Yeah, I knew about that too. I don’t think that Ray smoked crack with homeless black men afterwards, though.
Another comment talks about how Ray was a Mormon missionary. I didn’t know that.
I used to get these Mormons or Jehovah’s Witnesses or whatever they are coming to my home. In the US, you answer the door and one of the guys (they always come in pairs) would say, “Do you believe you’re going to Heaven?” or something like that. Not unlike, “Have you heard the good news?” I can appreciate that. These are people spreading the good word.
What I don’t appreciate are the British equivalents. These people will knock on your door and then stand awkwardly in total silence when you open the door. Hey, asshole, you knocked on my door. What do you want? No. They just stand there like mental patients until you finally figure out that they’re Jehovah’s Witnesses and tell them to fuck off. Then they go to the next door and do the exact same crazy thing.
I had a couple of jokers just recently, they had to be in their 70s at least, and after they knocked on the door, they put an envelope through the mailslot. So I open the door and it’s these two old guys and they look at me confused and say, “I just left you a letter.”
Hey. Asshole. I’m here. If you’re going to knock on the door, fucking say something. I’m there. Are you interested in saving souls or aren’t you? Don’t knock on the door and then just leave a fucking note. If you want to leave notes, leave notes. Don’t knock on the fucking door.
So I closed the door and read the note. They were Jehovah’s Witnesses and the note was rife with spelling errors. They didn’t even spell “Christian” right. It doesn’t instill confidence. But these are the type of dopes going to door to door like zombies and then saying NOTHING when you open the door for them.
So anyway, back to Zombie Gums. Someday is a SUPER gay song about nothing. I can see why it appeals to Erin, I guess. She’s as vapid and empty as the song is.
But she has something on the back of her arm too. If you pause at 37:00, you can see a bit of it. It’s something in a square. Could be anything. Maybe an album cover.
So this has been poor choice number ten billion by Erin. Why didn’t she at least ask the horntards what tattoo she should get? That’s what Pam aka CannotBeTamed did. And Pam was innundated with people telling her not to get a tattoo. She apparently banned each and every one of those people. But had she listened, she wouldn’t have gotten that horrendous tattoo that looks like she has some disease.
Why didn’t Zombie Gums put pictures of her tattoo up anywhere on Twitter or Instagram? It’s a normal thing that people do when they get a tattoo. Pam did it. Not Erin.
Erin also still hasn’t posted any pictures of her dog.
WHY NOT? What she posts instead is a re-tweet of the anniversary of some shitty game that she doesn’t give a fuck about and doesn’t know anything about.
Instead of posting this zero-effort shit about things that you don’t care about, why not post her fucking tattoo and/or dog. Things that she’s actually doing. Is she that concerned about not talking about her personal life? She also never talks about visiting her parents twice a month, always vaguely referring to it after the fact as having been “out of town.”
Erin, you’re BORING AS FUCK. Inject a TINY bit of personality in your tweets by talking about your life in even the most superficial of terms. You got a dog. Who cares? Put a picture of the dog up. That’s not too personal. Or show your horrible tattoos. ANYTHING.
Absolutely horrendous stream, of course. She starts by playing Duke Nukem, the original shitty platformer game, and clearly knows NOTHING about it. She doesn’t even know about the 3-D Duke Nukem games. Never even heard of it. I didn’t watch much past this. She’s unwatchable. Colours, background shit, “X looks like Y”, and general stupidity.
What tattoos can Erin get next? Something zombie-related. She’s not going to get anything video game related because she doesn’t give a fuck about video games. You see what she got. It was about some shitty band from 25 years ago. This is what she’s interested in.
Maybe she could get that “iconic” image of Britney Spears doing a Woody “The” Woodpecker impression in her limo, on her back.
Or what about a giant picture of Brett Somer’s face from her Match Game days. Erin claims to be a big Match Game fan, after all. Give Mike something sexy to look at when he’s giving it to Erin from the backside.
I don’t know how the tattoo industry stays afloat. NOBODY likes tattoos. Has a tattoo ever made somebody more attractive? The industry feeds on poor decisions. Do you think that Kieran is getting any action from that Cobra tattoo on his arm? Not even CM Punk managed to get anything out of that tattoo. Any women that CM Punk manages to get are interested in him despite those fucking nerd tattoos, not because of them.
Or what about Pam aka CannotBeEntertaining? Is she fighting the dudes off with sticks ever since she got that jaundice tattoo? No, it’s a massive negative for her. And this is a woman who already has a laundry list of negatives. Why add to it?
There’s James Rolfe’s shitty tattoo that people only make fun of. The fags on Reddit, at least.
I’ve never heard a single good thing about James Rolfe’s wife’s tattoos.
There’s so much wrong with this and it’s only three minutes long. It’s shocking. I haven’t seen American television in 20 years. Is this what it is now?
First of all, they describe the buttocks as the “doody dispenser”. It’s right there on the board. And nobody even mentions it. This sort of infantile “humour” must be so prevalent in the US now that it doesn’t even warrant a mention.
And then you look at this family. Michelle is 300 pounds. I think that Abe is the Mexican boyfriend of Robert, who’s a giant fucking bear. Abe is also pretty big, by the way. And then Lavana, who I think is the matriarch of the family, unashamedly, boastful even, talks about her tits. Right in front of this fucked up family of hers. Richard is a giant, fat piece of shit too. What is wrong with these people? Does nobody eat right and exercise in the US any more?
The other family is fucking obese as well.
You absolutely did not see families like this in the Richard Dawson era. Or for that matter the Ray Colms era. Or even the Louie Anderson era. Or the Richard Karn era. Or the John O’Hurley era. What happened?
Imagine Richard Dawson approaching these fucking low-class heifers to give them a kiss.
When Louie Anderson was hosting the show HE was the only fat guy. Now, it seems, that the entire families are all bigger than Louie Anderson.
Here’s a totally random episode from 2001 with Louie Anderson. The families are normal. No weird inter-racial homosexuality anywhere. The people are (reasonably) in shape. They’re sort of dressed up. And the questions are fairly normal and respectable. The first question is about what rebelious rock and roll types would do and “dye your hair” was the top answer. “Doody dispenser” is nowhere to be seen.
“Get tattoos” was also an answer. Now, it’s rebelious not to get a tattoo. Most people have these shitty tattoos.
What a complete collapse of society in only 25 years captured so clearly by Family Feud.
I saw a similar thing with What’s My Line. You watch the 1950s episodes and everyone is well-spoken and erudite and their penmanship is first class. I don’t just mean the celebrities and the journalists and the rich people, they’ll have working class contestants and they’ll still carry themselves well.
Then you watch the 1970s episodes of What’s My Line and…hoo boy. It’s like night and day. The panel is full of idiots like Soupy Sales, the celebrity mystery contestants all behave like fucking retards, and there’s a clear decline in the cognitive abilities of the normal contestants. The host is a dumb piece of shit too. Larry Blyden making lame half-jokes about hippies and shit. Fuck off. The jobs that people do are often low class trash too. Some woman will be a “car stunt woman”, for example, and they’ll show footage of her skidding on her ass down a race track while being pulled by a car. Now, that’s entertainment.
And yet, the 1970s make the 2000s, or certainly today, look like a golden age. How much further can society decay?
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Erin’s Latest Obsession: Landfills
I really try not to buy everything on amazon and support the remaining department stores we have, but shit is rarely in stock these days when I do try to look in person. It’s a bummer. *sighs in defeat and goes to amazon*
Today’s issue was replacing my kcup coffee maker. I’m done with the keurig brand cuz they break on me and I hate contributing to landfills. But they seem to have a chokehold on most in-person stores.
And I know it’s ironic that I’m talking about landfills while using kcups. I’m human, okay. I try my best.
Kcup coffee maker. Let’s look this up.
Oh, it’s one of those single serving coffee making machines where you put a little plastic cup of coffee into the machine and it will make you a cup of coffee. I saw one of these at a job that I had. We’d get a token every day to use at the machine. It was fine, I guess. I’d get a hot chocolate.
But we’re talking about home use. Is it wasteful? I mean, I guess there are less wasteful ways to brew coffee. I think that I’ve like two sips of coffee in my life and it was disgusting so I’m not an authority on coffee. But I believe that the traditional method is to brew a pot of coffee using a filter, which is probably biodegradeable, as opposed to these individual cups.
I can understand not wanting to brew an entire pot of coffee but can’t you just brew less? You go through more filters, I guess. Although, I believe you can reuse the filters, with diminishing results each time.
In my research, I’m not entirely sure that you can brew just one cup with a regular coffee machine. And there are some many “cute” references about how these people are addicted to coffee. What a way to live. And people just make jokes about it. “Oh, I’m completely hooked on this disgusting beverage.” People don’t talk about their alcohol or drug addictions this openly but caffeine is fair game.
And Erin is ruining her teeth with this shit, and possibly her zombie gums. Does coffee have an effect on gums, zombie or otherwise? Let’s look this up.
Coffee is quite acidic. The acid in coffee can weaken the enamel on your teeth, making them more susceptible to decay and cavities. If you develop cavities, it can lead to gum disease if not treated. Additionally, drinking acidic drinks like coffee can irritate your gums, especially if you already have gum problems.
Well, there you go. Who has worse gum problems than old “Zombie Gum” Erin? So yet another reason to stop drinking coffee.
But this wasn’t an isolated landfill reference. She also gave this bizarre, apocolyptic tweet about Minecraft toys a few months ago.
This image evokes many emotions. This toy was designed by someone. Then it was manufactured and packaged. Now it’s on a shelf. Then it will be on clearance. Then it will be in a discount store. And then a landfill along with the funko pops. The end of the planet is near.
What’s her beef with Minecraft? Is that toy any worse than the other billions of plastic toys out there?
And this is somebody who has thousands of unwanted old plastic video games just lying around collecting dust. And she made Mike buy her all of those He-Man figures for that week when she was all about He-Man and wanted to do a video about her short-lived passion. And she constantly talks about stupid “cute” toys that she allegedly wants.
So Mike, in a peculiar pre-emptive defence of his sugarbaby, says, “I will await the “why do you have to be negative” smooth brains to appear.”
Talk about the actual issue, Mike. Not ad-hominen attacks on her mentally challenged fanbase, who you know are mentally challenged but still use derogatory comments like “smooth brains” in reference to them.
Why the sudden obsession with THIS PARTICULAR toy? It doesn’t make any fucking sense. It’s stupid. Who cares? There are a billion stupid plastic toys out there. Dollar Tree or whatever is full of complete shit that’s going to be played with once, broken, and then thrown out. At least this Minecraft toy appears to be reasonably well-made and has some kind of collectibility value. Better that it ends up on somebody’s shelf than in a landfill. I guess.
What is Erin even proposing? A return to wooden toys? So start cranking them out. Learn a trade. Open an Etsy shop like JOHN RIGGS.
Speaking of which, I was looking at his shop recently. He advertised it in a video where he begged people to subscribe to his channel and said that views were down. Well, maybe if you’d stop doing these cookie cutter “What (NES/Sega/Arcade/whatever) games were YOU playing in (whatever year)?” videos you’d get better results. Do the fucking nerd convention videos but SHOW WHAT YOU EAT. I found those at least entertaining. You’d see the fucking portion sizes that this guy would get. He’d order two meals and shit. But then he stopped showing the food and just showed the fucking games that people were selling. Who cares?
Anyway, JOHN RIGGS is selling all kinds of shit on his Etsy shop like it’s a Turkish bazaar. INCLUDING shitty plastic toys. Watch out, JOHN RIGGS. Erin and her new obsession with landfills is coming for you.
He sells what he describes as “action figures” but there’s no “action” to speak of. With a flagrant disregard for copyright protection, he makes pixel by pixel recreations of various Atari characters like Pitfall Harry or Donkey Kong from the Atari 2600 port. No articulation, of course, these are just solid, immovable figures. Statues. And he puts these figures onto a cardboard backing that’s full of copyrighted images of the game and whatever and it has a plastic bubble thing protecting the figure.
The figures are complete shit and he’s selling them for fifty bucks but I’m intrigued with how he did it. I assume that the figures are 3-d printed. But how did he get the packaging done? Does he have a deal with some sweatshop in China? Or is it some local printing company making these things? For fifty bucks each, I assume that he could afford to have this done locally.
He’s also selling his bizarre air fresheners. No idea why anybody would want those. He must have just had some agreement with a sweatshop that happened to sell air fresheners.
These non-action figures at least make a little more sense. And it’s unlikely that Atari is going to sue. Erin is surely outraged, though.
But why? Focus on the fucking companies churning this shit out, not the consumers. Smoke and dangerous chemicals are pouring out of these factories, destroying the atmosphere, poisoning rivers, killing the workers, but Erin wants us to stop buying anything that has plastic and paw through our garbage to recycle. Go fuck yourself. If you’re that passionate about it, go after the source. Write your fucking congressman. See how far that goes.
She makes videos where she’s surrounded by worthless plastic but she has the nerve to make comments like this. Make some biodegradeable toys. Why not? Mike is artistic. Fucking do something.
I suppose that wooden toys have their own ethical concerns. What about those Amish corn husk dolls?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corn_husk_doll
Oh, it’s an American Indian thing. “It’s always about the Indians with you.”
So what was I thinking of?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amish_doll
Just ragdolls without faces. I knew they didn’t have faces. Same as the corn husk dolls.
Anyway, this would be good for Erin. She’d get in touch with her local Amish community. It would be an ethical, sustainable business. It would be a creative outlet. And she’d have a fucking job. Of sorts.
But maybe she’d be successful at this. She could make Sailor Moon Amish dolls, Britney Spears Amish dolls, and whatever third interest she might have. And the colours…oh my god, the colours. Full spectrum of the rainbow is available.
Yeah, she’d have to learn to sew and whatnot but what else is she doing with her life? She has nothing but time. Learn a trade. It would be fun and rewarding.
And she has a built-in market. The horntards would eat that shit up. Make the dolls out of your old underpants. Shishi and Joe from Game Sack would get into a bidding war for them.
Or what about sock monkeys? We know how popular the Power Pad video was. Make some sock monkeys out of your old socks. It would be “cute.” All of this would be “cute”. I should have mentioned that as my first thing to try to entice Erin to do this. Forget all of that bullshit about giving your life some meaning and saving the planet. It would be “cute.”
Mike is there to assist. He can help with the creative and artistic aspects.
Wait a minute. A zombie doll. An Amish zombie doll with no face other than fucked up gums. And sew a cute little rag coffee mug into its hand. Sell it as art. That’s what it is. Rural Pennsylvania folk art from the mentally challenged.
Erin could do an artistic collaboration with PushingUpRoses. She’s doing ceramics, last I checked. Put the doll inside a shitty little coffee mug made by PushingUpRoses.
Erin could do something with JOHN RIGGS as well. He obviously knows about the production side of things. Packaging and whatnot. Marketing. Distribution.
These are the sorts of things that Zombie Gums would do if she was GENUINELY interested in waste and plastics and whatnot. But she isn’t. She’s just a lazy moron who had nothing to say one day, so spewed that bullshit about landfills on Twitter.
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Hype is Growing for Erin’s Next Video
I should’ve started with shorter, easier to make videos to get back into regularly creating ✨content✨ but instead I’ve been writing a WAY more in depth script than I had planned. I hope people watch it because I’m so into it! I think it’s done but I still need to film and edit.
if I decide to release some other things in the meantime that are faster to turn around I’ll post an update on patreon. I’m not sure yet. I already captured gameplay so maybe it won’t be too tedious. I’m just so happy the script is finally done!
She’s been writing the script for MONTHS. Can it possibly live up to everyone’s expectations? How is she possibly going to top her last video, “Going through a BIG box of games! NES, N64, SNES and more!” which was so fucking tedious that not even I, somebody who has a professional obligation to watch these videos, could watch more than a couple of minutes of it before turning it off in disgust.
The very idea that Zombie Gums has “scripts” for these videos is insane. It can’t be true. Take a look at this box video, for example.
0:00 – “Hey guys. I recently found this box in my close of games that I’ve been meaning to sort on my shelf but I just haven’t yet so I thought it would be fun to go through this box and see what’s inside.”
THAT was scripted? I mean, maybe it was? I don’t think that she was exactly talking off the cuff because she can’t talk off the cuff. But…this would be described as “scripted material”?
I assume that she just had notes that she jotted down right beforehand to get the verbage right. Or just thought things through in her zombie head before she started recording. But…this was all written out? Possibly months in advance? For this BOX video?
8:00 – I just went here randomly. “I really like Sexy Parodius. I think that is a fantastic game. These are schmups or cute em ups because they are very cute and the art is very colourful.”
THIS WAS SCRIPTED! It puts things in a whole new perspective. I thought that she was just a fucking idiot who would panic and revert to talking about the handful of games that she’s played on stream for money (e.g. Sexy Parodius) and cute things and colours. NO. SHE WROTE THIS OUT.
If she was going to write this out, why wouldn’t she do RESEARCH and mention games that she HASN’T played on stream, for money? Why would she write, “this is really cute” instead of, I don’t know, something that isn’t completely fucking brain dead? She could have just looked at the Wikipedia article of the game for some ideas of what to talk about. No. She wanted to talk about cute things and colours. She actually took the time to write that in a script.
I don’t want to get bogged down in this box video. There’s a reason I didn’t watch it. It was a new low for the channel that never had anything but rock bottom standards to begin with.
Well, actually, let’s check out the comments.
- “Wow. This is bad”
A surprising negative comment. Are people starting to turn?
- “Close your mouth! Every word you say we see your big top teeth. It’s creepy!”
Holy shit. A reference to her zombie gums?
I don’t see it. I always play these videos windowed but even full screen…she has braces, right? She’s had these for a long time, as far as I’m aware.
Maybe there is something fucked up with her teeth. I don’t think that her teeth are big but…I think she has braces and I’m just lazer-focused on her gums now, knowing that she has a corpse’s gums.
Yeah, I think her front teeth are kind of prominent and/or the right tooth next to her front teeth is pushed in. This is part of the reason why she has the braces, I guess. I don’t want to get into this level of detail about somebody’s teeth. It’s ridiculously shallow and nobody’s business. And nobody has perfect teeth, of course. But…it’s just the zombie gums thing. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m trying to figure out why exactly she got this disgusting procedure done.
Does she even have braces? Or are her teeth just gray? Am I seeing things? I’ve always thought that she had like those “invisible” braces.
Well, anyway, that guy suggested that Erin should keep her mouth closed for the video. It’s preposterous. We’d miss all of her scripted wisdom about cute things, colours, and games that she played once, on stream, for money.
- “is so cute n.n”
Well, there’s a guy who doesn’t mind some “big” teeth and zombie gums.
- “This is a surprise. I haven’t seen one of the Erin Plays videos pop up to watch in a long time”
There are a few comments like this. Erin replies with, “I’m still around.” Erin is so lax with making videos these days that people just assume that she’s done. Which, effectively, she is. The year is nearly half over and she made two videos.
- “Mike is so lucky to have you”
Oh, sure. Zombie Gums over here. What a catch.
- “So have you played Hello Kitty Island Adventure yet? (Yes, it’s a real game!)”
Erin replies with, “lol yes, a little bit. It’s very cute.” She played it on stream, for money, of course. I wonder how long it took Erin to script that reply.
- “You’re so… beautiful.”
Are these people not seeing all the dental issues?
I never saw it either. But now I can’t unsee it. Why did she have to make all of those boastful tweets about her zombie gums? It’s insane.
- “Thanks for going through this box of games Erin!”
It’s just unbelievable. “Thanks for this completely shit, zero effort video, Erin. I’ll take anything.”
I want to see a video about her fucking gums. Is that what this big upcoming video is going to be about? They should have filmed the procedure and then you can have Erin doing like a running commentary over it. Scripted, of course.
They used to show footage of actual surgeries on tv. I never watched it because it was fucking disgusting but I remember my older sister watching it. What channel could possibly have shown that, though? This was probably in the mid to late 1980s. Early days of cable, I guess. We didn’t have HBO or any of the premium channels. Would Public Access have shown something like that? I can’t believe that any channel would. PBS? There had to be some educational angle that they were going for. For any basement surgeons, I guess.
But this zombie gums video could have been like that. Mike is fucking filming this disgusting shit and Erin is completely passed out. It had to be done under general anesthesia, right? Do you want to be conscious when a dentist is carving tissue out of the roof of your mouth and then grafting it onto your putrid gums?
How is Erin going to possibly mention anything “cute” in that scenario? Well, she can focus on the background shit, I guess, like what she does in her normal videos. “That model of teeth is cute. That doctor’s mask reminds me of the kind of blue you’d see in the 2000s. Here I am vomiting blood after the procedure.”
What is she thinking with any of this? Three videos a year? She’s making about $4,000/year. What a life. Living with a man you don’t love for…what? Mike buys her off with video games that she doesn’t give a shit about, trips to visit her parents twice a month, and all of the unnecessary surgery she can handle. This is terrible. Wouldn’t getting a job and being with somebody you like be more fulfilling?
There are women who do this, of course. Get with rich men and use them for their money. But…this is bush league. Mike is giving her Sexy Parodius, domestic flights, and zombie gums. It’s not worth it. You’re going to throw your life away for that?
Anyway, this upcoming video is going to be huge.
Oh, she also posted this on BlueSky for the ten people who read that. And she re-blueskied something from the love of her life: Mike Matei.
“Hey guys! Remember those snap things?”
Yeah. I remember, Mike. Who gives a fuck? They were shit and you’re shit.
I had a friend put a few of them around his porch to prank the mailman. Like he’d step on them, it would make a slight snapping sound and then he’d piss his pants. I doubt anything happened. His mother probably found out and told him to knock it off. And even if he did go through with it, who cares? The mailman isn’t blind and even on the off chance that he did step on one, it probably would just crush, not make any sound.
There was another time, when a different friend brought them for some school band parade practice that we were doing. He was all jazzed about it. He was showing off these snappers and talking about how huge this is going to be. He threw one and then the band director looked right at him and said, “Do you want to die?” What an asshole that band director was. But anyway, that was it for the snapper “fun.”
Holy shit, Mike has sexy ladies responding to his tweets. And her name is “zombiesouffle”. This is too perfect.
https://bsky.app/profile/zombiesouffle.bsky.social
“Fan of movies, tv, and video games.”
Well, that’s…about as boring as it gets, isn’t it?
Huh. Most of her posts are about video games, zombies, and art. Erin better look out. This is right up Mike’s alley. She’s better looking than Erin too. Is this even real? She only has a few posts and this is all like…exactly the sort of shit that Mike would go for. This has to be a prank. She’s going to be making posts about Miles O’Brien next.
Mike isn’t doing much tweeting over on X. Only a few messages this year. But he did feel the need to ask, “Does anyone play Age of Empires 2 a lot?” Umm…no, Mike. I didn’t even play it 25 years ago.
What are some good zombie games that Erin could play on stream, for money? There’s loads. What about Organ Trail?
Oh, there was some shitty movie with the same name recently so now the search results are clogged with that shit. But yeah, the game still exists. I’m sure that Erin would have a blast streaming that and talking about how cute it is and pointing out the various colours.
Let me just Google “zombie games.” Oh, yeah. Left 4 Dead. I played that for a while. But then when Left 4 Dead 2 came out like a year later, I started my boycott against Valve which is still ongoing. Never bought another Valve game again and never will. It helps that that I don’t even think they released any games after that.
But yeah, I didn’t really like it. I don’t like zombie games but this isn’t about me. This is about Erin, who’s a serious “gamer” and big into zombies. So much so that she’s transforming herself into a zombie, starting with the gums.
Zombies Ate My Neighbors. I never played it but it looks like shit every time Mike plays it, which is regularly.
Oh yeah. Typing of the Dead. That would be a good one for Erin. It’s not “stressful”. I played it a few times years ago.
What’s that fucking series that Kieran always talked about? I’m not seeing it on these lists of zombie games. I know that it’s a popular series, though. Maybe it’s not a zombie game.
DayZ. I was going to get it years ago but I never wanted to bother with those sorts of games where you bang a rock against a tree and then some guy with a sniper rifle kills you. It doesn’t sound like fun to me.
Oh, Resident Evil. That’s the series. I never played any of that shit.
Plants vs Zombies. I played that a lot. The first one was great. Then it became a cash grab mobile game. There was also a Chinese version which was different.
Red Dead Redemption, that zombie version. I never played Red Dead Redemption either. I played all of the Grand Theft Auto games but…I don’t like them. So I don’t know why I played them so much.
Oh, Minecraft has zombies, I guess. That’s a natural for Erin then. She could repeat the same three “jokes” that the homos on Reddit beat to death from that Minecraft video of Mike’s.
Doom has zombies? I guess they do. I don’t really think of those soldiers as zombies.
Half-Life? We’re really stretching the definition of “zombie”. I guess that the headcrab guys are zombies but come on.
They Hunger? There were so many great mods for Half-Life. I never even heard of this one. You couldn’t keep up. There were hundreds. I used to play some Matrix-type mod. It was good but I didn’t play it a whole lot.
And Garry’s Mod. I don’t even know what it was but I still got it. I see that they’re selling it now but I don’t know if it was free back in the day or what. Was this just for Half-Life 2? Maybe. Half-Life 2 didn’t have nearly as many mods as the original Half-Life did. I think because the original game was so much easier to make mods for.
And by “mods”, I mean full games. “Total conversions”, if you prefer.
Zombie games have really exploded in popularity in the past 10 or 15 years. But I’m not seeing anything that focuses on the gums. There’s a real gap in the market. Erin described the procedure as “frankesteined”. The Frankenstein monster was a zombie, I guess. Surely, somebody has made a Frankenstein game where you get to make the monster.
Oh, Castlevania has…probably zombies but also Frankenstein. Maybe Erin can appreciate the game on a new level now, the next time she plays it on stream, for money.
But according to this recent Reddit post, no, there aren’t any games where you can build a monster.
Wait, no, he mentions Creature Lab. Mixed reviews on Steam but it seems to be the sort of thing I was looking for. Also Iratus. Some roguelike.
So some good ideas for old Zombie Gums. And we can all look forward to that big upcoming video she has planned. The script is huge. She doesn’t just shit them out in a day like Newt, she takes months to carefully craft her Youtube video scripts.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tF6EgSM5TlA
I won’t embed this video because the thumbnail is vile but it’s the LEAST disgusting video that I saw about gum grafts. And even that OBNOXIOUS AS FUCK so-called dential hygenist is clearly a little digusted by the procedure and you have to imagine that she’s seen some shit.