Gamer Girls

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCItnkaVIsF_Uqpq3K7IvJzQ

I got this from her Discord. I don’t know if this link will work:

discord.gg/wbpTYUdfyg

Bear in mind that she changes names immediately so will shut everything down shortly after she reads this. I don’t think that there’s anything worth looking at in the Discord, though, other than, perhaps, this insane “Live Journal” of hers.

I don’t even think that there’s a need to comment on anything. It’s manifestly insane. But I’ll include a short commentary after most every entry in parentheses..

SupaPixelWeaver — 13/02/2023 11:58

Feeling hopful today. Sometimes I feel I’m not where others are at my age (married, having kids). It can be really painful and scary to feel behind… but at the same time I don’t want kids right now! Last night I was watching a random video I made years ago now on my YouTube channel (secret of evermore trading guide). I liked the girl in the video, which funnily enough was me. The girl in the video was just doing her thing- being creative and not caring about numbers. I want to get back to her vibe. I hope I can find a balance between making videos people like and not getting to many viewers and followers. Even though I stopped posting regularly on my YouTube long ago, I achieved other amazing personal goals and now I’m ready to make space for creativity again. I’m manifesting health and happiness. Current music: wicked game – Chris Isaak Mood:

(“Oh, I’m so sad and lonely. Where are the chocolate men at? Here’s a picture of my fat tits, guys.”

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SupaPixelWeaver — 15/02/2023 04:22

Today was Valentine’s Day. I was able to stave off any negative feelings about being alone until now. The fear I’ll never find my person is always there but I’m trying to minimize the space that fear takes up in my soul. One way is to get back to being creative – meaning YouTube and streaming. I’m also going to do something different than before– include friends in my lets plays!! I think it will help me enjoy the process more. I have a new streaming set up too. Distraction is always a good thing when you’re hurting. Beast isn’t doing so well with his health… not sure how to live without my furry companion. I’ve had him since I was 14 years old. Well, right now I’ll focus on cherishing our moments together. Current music: Innocence and sadness – Dermot Kennedy Mood:

(“I’m still so lonely, guys. Which one of you horntards is going to give me money to cheer me up?”)

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SupaPixelWeaver — 22/02/2023 04:26

I’m currently in a tubby with a bunch of epsom salts. Ahhhhh~ my most favorite thing is being in the tubby while it fills with water.
I’ll be honest it’s like the third tubby I took today. TEEHEE! I’m feeling proud of myself with many different facets of my life. For one, I am officially down several lbs since my heaviest! I’m excited to continue to work toward my health goals. I feel more confident which is helping in my dating life for sure. I am also getting back to being creative and cultivating personal friendships and my little community of retro gamers. On Sunday I streamed Kings Quest 6 after not streaming for over a year! I was afraid no one would want to watch but 32 people showed up at one point and it made me feel so gratful. It really does touch my heart when I get messages from people who were fans of my YouTube channel back in the day. I’m proud of what I’ve built and it makes me feel good that so many viewers stayed even when I left and was inconsistent for years. Current music: So Emotional – Whitney Houston Mood:

(She took three baths in ONE DAY. It screams mental illness. She’s still trying to lose weight. This has been going on for many years. She’s apparently bounced back from her single life. That was a rough few days. “Tubby.”)

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SupaPixelWeaver — 24/02/2023 13:44

“How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” A. A. Milne / Winnie the Pooh

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SupaPixelWeaver — 26/02/2023 15:35

ᛖᛁᛖᛋ ᛒᚱᛁᚷᚻᛏ, ᚳᛚᚪᚹᛋ ᛋᚻᚪᚱᛈ, ᛏᚪᛁᛚ ᚻᛖᛚᛞ ᚻᛁᚷᚻ. ᚷᚩ ᚳᛖᛖᚾᛚᛁ ᛁᚾᛏᚩ ᚦᛖ ᛘᛁᛋᛏ, ᚩᛚᛞ ᚹᚪᚱᚱᛡᚱ. ᚠᚪᛚᚻᚪᛚᛚᚪ ᚹᚪᛁᛏᛋ ᚠᚩᚱ ᛁᚩᚢ. Eyes bright, claws sharp, tail held high. Go keenly into the mist, old warrior. Valhalla waits for you. In loving memory of Beast 2005-2023

(Her fucking cat died. Now, is she had the cat since she was 14…she’s got to be in her mid-30s at least, right? How old was that fucking cat? Do cats even live that long? Life expectancy of a cat is 13 to 14 years. So that cat was positively ancient when it died. By the way, note the date. February 26th. Oddly, she doesn’t use the American date format. But she’ll be talking about this dead cat A LOT from here on.)

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SupaPixelWeaver — 27/02/2023 12:02

My first night and morning without you. This is so hard. I miss you Beast. Are you with me? I kept thinking about you yesterday. Are you lonely where you are now? I worry you’re lonely. I’m sorry I couldn’t go with you to your next adventure. Wherever you please know I love you forever, I hope we can meet again.

(The cat is in Valhalla, of course. God, what a fucking lunatic.)

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SupaPixelWeaver — 28/02/2023 05:15

Another night without you. How do l do this?

(Posting about it to horntards is one way to keep this geriactric cat’s memory alive.)

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SupaPixelWeaver — 04/03/2023 05:51

I’m cuddled in my blanket in bed and a certain part of the blanket smells like you. I know as time goes on your scent will no longer be here. I can’t believe you aren’t here with me. I hate that you are somewhere where I can’t be with you. Where I can’t see you. I can’t protect you if I don’t know where you are. I love you Beast. I’m so manic trying to build my channel. I’m distracting myself from missing you. I feel so much guilt, like I cut your precious life short. But I know you were telling me it’s time. The feeling of watching some stranger carry you out of my apartment, away from me forever, was an unexpected pain. Your ashes were dropped off at the vet office a few days ago. Will I ever have the strength to pick them up? How is this possible. How is this my new reality? I’d give anything to take a Time Machine back to 2005. Back to Minnesota. I’d walk outside barefoot and call your name. You’d come running up to me. I would hold you.

(The cat is dead, you lunatic. It was an extremely old cat. It was in poor health. Move on.)

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SupaPixelWeaver — 07/03/2023 04:10

No amount of distraction can save me from feeling sad. I miss you Beast. I watched an old YouTube video of mine and at the end I was randomly holding you and my heart stopped. I should have savored every moment. I’m exhausted now. I need sleep.

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SupaPixelWeaver — 08/03/2023 18:21

The question “do you have any pets?” – my heart stopped

Miss you Beast

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SupaPixelWeaver — 13/03/2023 00:20

Can’t believe you aren’t here. I’m really lonely right now. I finally didn’t do any “project” to fill my time and now I’m crying. I know this might be weird to say but I miss your smell. I really want to be cuddling you right now and burying my face into your soft fur. I loved how you smelled and I will never be able to smell it again. I’ll never be able to feel the soft fur on your belly. I’ll never be able to give you a million kisses on your head. I hope you are happy and content wherever you are. It’s so hard I can’t be where you are. I can’t watch over you. I can’t be sure your safe. Please say we meet again Beast.

(The cat is gone. It’s not anywhere. There’s no religion that believes in an afterlife for animals. Get over it.)

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SupaPixelWeaver — 19/03/2023 17:34

I’ve been trying to do more healthy coping these past few days- taking long walks while the sun is out, dancing to happy songs in my apartment, focusing on creative projects, and fostering friendships. I’ve been all over the place emotionally and taking things that don’t matter at all so fucking personal (haha). I’m very sensitive lately. But there are many things in my life to be so incredibly thankful for. I need to practice gratitude and working toward better versions of myself versus focusing on what I don’t have. Current music: Test Drive – Joji Mood:

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SupaPixelWeaver — 21/03/2023 17:54

My apartment feels empty today. I miss you. I’ve been in total denial.

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SupaPixelWeaver — 02/04/2023 12:29

I had a reoccurring stress dream last night where it’s opening night of a play and I don’t know the lines or anything. This dream was more drawn out this time than my previous dreams. Overall I feel sad and exhausted. I should try and sleep more.

(It’s now been over a month. SHE’S STILL TALKING ABOUT HER DEAD FUCKING CAT!)

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SupaPixelWeaver — 10/04/2023 13:01

On the shuttle to work I got my period this morning. For whatever reason it’s been painful this time around. It feels like someone is scraping out my insides!! Actually I know why- I was so stressed and sad last month I didn’t get my period. Being a woman honestly is awful sometimes haha. My body is punishing me for being sad and stressed. It’s always on early mornings I miss Beast. It’s weird I’ve been grieving without my family and close friends nearby. I miss my sister and mom. It’s been kinda tough since my sister has a baby now. She has always been busy but now she (rightfully so) is super busy. And since my mom lives with my sister I naturally feel left out. But I wouldn’t want it any other way. I’m glad mommy is being taken care of and not alone. I used to cry when I left home for college worried she would be lonely. It only hurts this much right now. Current Music: Labyrinth – Taylor Swift Mood:

(Lunacy. But people are jerking off to this and she knows it. They’re jerking off to her disgusting descriptions of her period. Fuck off. And fuck your dead cat.)

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SupaPixelWeaver — 10/04/2023 22:22

OK !!! I decided to make myself feel better !!!! I cleaned my apartment and I’m going to go for a walk outside. All I need to do is get caught up with work stuff and I’ll be in a better place

(IT WAS A CAT!)

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SupaPixelWeaver — 15/04/2023 16:56

I just opened up reminders on my phone and saw a ton of reminders for Beast and my heart stopped. I miss you Beast. I’m going to meet Appa (my new kitty) in June… but I’m not sure I’m ready to love a new furry friend.

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SupaPixelWeaver — 24/04/2023 11:58

Once again on the shuttle to work I probably went to bed around 1:30am… and I woke up at 6am. I woke up somewhat nauseated. I know I say this all the time but I need to take better care of myself!! If not for me, for my patients! They deserve my best! Here are some of my goals: -drink more water!! (Brought my water bottle to work) -get better sleep – strive for atleast 7 hours, 8 would be even better!! -eat more than protein shakes and cashews more greens !!!! -make sure to get outside for walks everyday -stay busy with creative projects to get out of your head I’m so excited because I have Wednesday-Friday off from work. I am going to the coast Wednesday I can’t wait!!! Current Music: Wish You The Best – Lewis Capaldi Mood:

(She mentions this “shuttle” again. She can’t be working as a psychiatrist, right? A psychiatrist isn’t taking a “shuttle” to work. She’s working in a factory or some big place, I assume. I took a “shuttle” when I worked in a big casino. Actually, would a hospital have a “shuttle”? Maybe. But I refuse to believe that this lunatic is working as a psychiatrist.)

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SupaPixelWeaver — 02/05/2023 04:04

No one can comfort me like Beast.

Crying by myself now. I was looking for a picture on my google photos app and came across these photos. Beast would always crawl into my lap whenever I cried.

(It’s now over two months and she’s STILL TALKING ABOUT IT!)

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SupaPixelWeaver — 16/05/2023 01:34

It’s so lonely here without you

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SupaPixelWeaver — 26/06/2023 03:07

I got Appa yesterday. It was an emotional day I caught myself saying “Bubby” to him a few times (Beast’s nickname). I also realized it would take some time to build a bond with Appa and I can’t expect to feel an intense amount of love and attachment like I did with Beast within the first day of us meeting eachother. One of my friends put it perfectly in a text “It will be a different love. Doesn’t make it less or more. They hold different places in our hearts.” The cute fact of the matter is on Appa’s first night he slept right by my side the whole entire night. it was really special. I forgot how much I missed having a companion like that. I’ve spent all day with Appa, and we have definitely bonded He wants to be near me constantly and is starting to follow me around already!! He is still wary of loud noises and the other rooms in my apartment but he finally ate some wet food and used the litter box!! He is yet to know his name but we are working on it. He really is so precious. I’m trying to teach him he can bite toys but not hands. So whenever he gets hyper or playful I redirect to a toy. If he bites me I just say no in a neutral/calm tone and ignore him and find a multitude of moments to praise him for positive behaviors. I guess my psychology training has come in handy hehe Another special thing happened yesterday but I won’t get into it here. Hey google play redacted corny ass song because I don’t wanna be embarrassed Mood:

(Now here’s she’s saying that her “pscyhology training has come in handy”. It kind of suggests that she’s NOT a psychiatrist or pscyhologist or whatever. Like she’s saying, “I studied psychology all of those and finally the training has paid off…I can train a cat. So…yeah, I really hope that she’s not in any way working with people with mental health problems. She is a total fucking nut and should not be anywhere near vulnerable people.)

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SupaPixelWeaver — 10/07/2023 12:04

On the shuttle to work I didn’t get much sleep last night. I went to bed around 1:30am and woke up at 6am it’s okay though, I’ll make up some sleep tomorrow. I am so totally attached to Appa. We really have bonded. He follows me around everywhere. He’s so smart too! He plays fetch! I am not even kidding!! I’ve made the big decision to … wait for it … get another kitten! I realized the importance of Appa having a playmate and bonded friend. It will also help me feel less guilty leaving Appa at home for work or for a trip. The new kitty will be here in about 1 month. I’ve been feeling very fulfilled lately – between taking care of Appa, cultivating friendships, and romance I’m happy. I would like to get back into some creative projects like editing my ocarina of time let’s play and a new ASMR. I wish I had more time in the day!!! Current music: I feel it coming – The Weeknd Mood:

(Oh yeah, and in the previous post she hinted that she has a boyfriend or something. Here she confirms it. Boy, all it took was getting a cat and gaining confidence. And she’s getting more cats.)

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SupaPixelWeaver — 19/07/2023 10:17

I didn’t get much sleep tonight. I miss Beast. The waves of grief have been coming on stronger lately. Grief and guilt. I feel guilty for choosing to end his life (I wanted him to chose) but I try to remind myself that he was very sick and his quality of life was diminishing rapidly. I keep thinking about how a few days before his health took a turn for the worse he came into the tubby with me, and just laid on my chest…his paws in the water. He had never done that before. I think he was telling me it was time. I’m trying to give myself grace here. I’ve had Beast since I was 14 years old and the loss of him is staggering. I also feel fustrated at myself as I’ve actually lost a parent to cancer as a kid and remember thinking fuck people who are sad about their pets they have no idea what real grief and loss is. I think the difference is there is some pain you don’t even really speak about and that’s the loss of my parent. But I can also hold space that I’m grieving Beast and it’s a speakable grief. They are different but both valid. Anyways, I have a busy day at work this morning. I’m going to attempt some breakfast and get ready soon.

(The cat died FIVE MONTHS AGO. She won’t shut the fuck up about it. And how fucking creepy is it that she’s bathing with this cat? What the fuck is she doing? Well, at least she’s so sad over this long-dead cat that she’s not eating. Maybe she’ll lose some fucking weight.)

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SupaPixelWeaver — 06/08/2023 22:43

I’ve been sad the past few weeks. I find myself feeling your absence, mostly at night. While cleaning today I randomly came upon your collars and it just made me so sad. I miss you so much. You were my companion. We’ve traveled across the country together. I grew up with you. Beast I miss you so much. Please say we meet again.

(The cat had to be at least 20 years old when it died. Get the fuck over it.)

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SupaPixelWeaver — 16/12/2023 14:59

I’m struggling. I’ve been so anxious, and I can’t pin point it. I have a nervous tick where I start pulling strands of my hair out, and this behavior started back up this month. My jaw has been hurting and I’m getting headaches from clenching. I think the Botox for TMJ has worn off. My brain is just attacking me. I was thinking about Beast and how toward the end of his life he couldn’t get out of his bed. I had to leave him to go to work Friday and leave him alone in his bed until I got back. Why did I do that? He was probably so alone and scared. I also struggle with the fact I cut his life short by scheduling his euthanasia. He could have been with me longer. I still feel unsure that was the right decision. I could has had him get a surgery for the tumor but the vet told me to do respite care instead. I tried to do right by him while also working full time and was far away from friends and family. I was alone when I let Beast go. And now life goes on, and no one asks me about him. I know it’s not their job, I’m not blaming anyone. I’m just really sad and anxious and it’s all coming ahead this week and I can’t really even pin point what’s wrong or why. I’m just sitting here crying alone. I am going to try to get out and walk. My mom just texted me I love you, just now. She doesn’t even know I’m crying. I promise I’m thankful for everything I have but today I feel very sad.

(TEN MONTHS later, she’s still talking about this fucking dead cat. And apparently, she’s sucking so much chocolate dick that she had to get botox injections to relieve the soreness in her jaw. And nobody is asking this woman about her cat because they assume that she’s fucking over it. Who’s still mourning a cat after ten months?)

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So that’s the last update from Supa…whatever the fuck her name is now. This is somebody who needs a whole team of psychiatrists working round the clock on her.

I got that expression about needing a whole team of psychiatrists from a teacher of mine. Oh, it was an art teacher, actually. That ties in nicely with a recent article I did about Erin where she and Mike shared stories about art teachers.

Erin Plays and Mike Matei stream random NES games!

This was in the 10th grade. Some kid at school died. I didn’t know him or how he died. Looking back, I assume it was a suicide, given his age.

All I heard about it was an announcement over the public address system while I was in art class. The principal or a student or somebody would give the morning announcements. There’s a dance coming up or whatever.

But on this particular day, it was about this student who died. And the principal or whoever said, “Anyone who needs help with coping with this should go to the counselor’s office.” After the announcement, one of the kids in class said, “Oh, I need help.” He was obviously joking but the teacher didn’t realise it. So the teacher asked him, in total sincerity, if he would like to go. The kid continued the joke saying, “Yeah, I need a psychiatrist.” Then the teacher finally understood that he was joking and said, “You need a whole team of psychiatrists.”

Seriously, though, fuck that art teacher. I had three art teachers in high school and they all taught me to hate art and that I was shit at it. Kids like drawing and whatnot. I wasn’t particularly gifted but I was okay. Everybody can’t be the star pupil. But they all just insisted that I was shit and shouldn’t take the class. So fine. I didn’t.

The whole concept of nurturing talent and being empathetic and realising that high school art class isn’t the most important thing in the world was totally lost on these teachers.