The Goonies 1 & 2 – Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN) – Cinemassacre

Mike was recently streaming this. It’s so fucking lazy from everyone’s perspective. It’s lazy for James, lazy for Screenwave, lazy for Mike. Does anybody want to put any effort at all into any of this?

0:15 – But first, a word from our sponsor: that same fucking VPN. I can’t believe that they’re still paying him. The Cinemassacre market awareness of this VPN is 100%. Everybody who is interested in this VPN and watches the channel has already signed up. Showing the ad another 100 times is not going to help any.

1:30 – James, please for the love of god do something with that hair. It looks AWFUL. Come on. He has a strip of hair across the middle of his scalp and that’s it. He’s really working that strip of hair. It’s ridiculous. Get some clippers, put a number two guard on, and trim all of that shit down. It’s gone. Your hair is gone, James. You’re not balding. You’re bald. This is late-stage male pattern baldness. Get over it.

2:15 – “The Goonies is one of those quintisential 80s movies.”

Probably one of my most hated films. I never saw it as a kid. I probably first saw it when I was in my 30s. It was on tv. Every character is unlikeable. Everything they do is disgusting and abhornent. I especially hate the fat kid, I hate the older kid played by Corey something, and I hate that fucking disgusting retarded character. I also hate the Fratellis or whoever they are. The mother is particularly awful. I hate the premise of the movie. I hate movies about rich California assholes. Fuck everything about that movie.

Why it’s beloved, I have no fucking idea. Mass delusion.

I feel the same way about Monster Squad. Fuck that piece of shit. People watch something as a kid and think that it’s good. No. It sucks giant penis.

4:45 – “What’s happening? Did it send me back to the beginning?”

Yeah. Mike had this same exact problem when he was streaming the game. He couldn’t figure out why the game took him back to the beginning. So now we have James talking about this but this is clearly all written by Mike. The gameplay is probably all Mike’s. Mike is doing all of this. Mike is wiping James’ ass. Get it? Ass? It’s a funny word.

7:30 – James is complaining about the yo yo weapon. Mike also complained about this during the stream. He said that he wanted to make a video about video games that have yo yos as weapons.

9:30 – Long sequence about the “Diarrhea Dimension”. I won’t even dignify it by discussing it other than to say it’s more scat fetish nonsense from this mentally challenged retard.

10:00 – The game is compared to the Friday the 13th game. Mike made the same comparison on stream. He also complained about how confusing this section is, as James is doing.

14:45 – “Two different dog turds being run through the lawn mower.”

Uh huh. It’s like that, Jimmy. Poo poo.

16:15 – “You want to know what fucking hole I’m thinking of?”

Umm…the suggestion is that Jimmy is thinking about…anuses. But why? Why is he thinking about anuses? Keep your sodomy fantasies to yourself.

16:45 – Jimmy climbing down a ladder head-first in front of a green screen. This is entertainment.

18:30 – “Piss-stained diarrhea machine.”

Uh huh. Just like that, Jimmy.

And interspersered throughout the video are obnoxious as fuck clips of that asshole fat kid who I want to punch in the fucking face. He’s constantly screaming. Fuck that piece of shit. What is that faggot doing nowadays?

Jeff Cohen. Well, he lost weight and he’s working as a lawyer. Good for him, I guess. The chosen people do tend to gravitate to acting and law. At least his acting career was mercifully short.

19:45 – Jimmy trips over a Santa dummy and Mike provides a voiceover. He couldn’t even appear in person. Then Jimmy starts kicking this dummy for some unknown reason.

Then they splice in footage from the previous episode where Mike actually appeared as Santa.

This is lazy as fuck. It doesn’t even make sense. And if you are going to have this completely nonsensical thing, couldn’t Mike make the fucking journey to film this?

By the way, James is complaining about the map system now. If you’re wondering if Mike also complained about this during his stream of the game, he absolutely did.

25:00 – “It’s kind of like a rhinoceros comes over to piss on you and then he turns around and shits on your fucking face.”

James, fuck off. None of this is even remotely funny. Bodily function-obsessed fucking retard.

Then the video ends with like a minute of poop stuff. Who is this for? Who, other than James, finds any of this even remotely entertaining?

“Directed and written by James Rolfe.” Uh huh. Sure it was. It just so happened that, once again, this was a game that Mike recently streamed. And everything that was complained about was also covered in Mike’s streams of the game.

Mike streamed the games several times recently, by the way. It wasn’t just once. He was obviously doing this to prepare for this video.

Edited by Sean O’Rourke. I’m not sure if I would want credit for that.

Gameplay by James, Mike, and Sean. No more “help by”, I guess. But no, James did not do shit.

Another terrible, lazy, unfunny, scat-obsessed episode of the Angry Video Game Nerd. Let’s see what the fags on Reddit had to say.

Surprisingly few messages, maybe I’m on the wrong thread, but they seem to think that it’s okay but not great. No. Respectfully disagree with you homos. It’s shit.

6 thoughts on “The Goonies 1 & 2 – Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN) – Cinemassacre

  1. I don’t get the obsession with the retarded movie either. Repeat every word you said. I agree.

    I had a friend in high school who worshipped this movie. It was on tv a lot and he’d go insane whenever it was on. One day I went to his house and he had bought the soundtrack on CD. The movie is 10 years old at this point. He bought it for the Cindy Lauper song you know because she’s so “80s” and he didn’t want to listen to the whole song. Just the part where she screams/“sings” ah yeah yeah yeah yeahhhhhaaaahhhhhhhhhhuhhhh So there we are, 2 17 year olds. One bored as shit and the other screaming along to 30 screaming along to 30 seconds of a song on infinite repeat. He was a real slob and pig too. Now he’s a professor of cosmology or some shit. Making up theories about the universe no one can ever prove. Fuck him!

  2. At this point, I honestly don’t get it. I don’t understand the current situation of it all.
    So the videos are (clearly) shit. The production team now spits in the face of the audience by clearly using all the material from Mike. So they don’t even care about appearances anymore. But the videos perform reasonably well if I look at the numbers. This one is 421k after one day. “Top 10 AVGN Moments 2023” is over 200k (and it’s supposedly a compilation of shitty videos). Hell, the Final Fantasy 6 video has over 1.6 MILLION views. This seems like an extremely popular YouTube channel if you ask me. Influencer level shit.
    And still, all I hear are complaints about the quality, the content, the acting… complaints that I share. Who is watching the videos? Why isn’t there an “appreciation subreddit thread” with all those millions of supporters? Maybe they are just minding their own business and don’t get so caught up in topics like bald men playing NES games?

    1. Good point. Where are all the Bimmy saved my life people outside of YouTube? The official sub is dead. I don’t see the adulation anywhere. At the same time outside of the CM truth sub, love it or hate it, nobody knows or cares that Mike does all the work. Honestly I don’t care. Every business streamlines to save time and money. Wendy’s chili is day old burgers they didn’t sell yesterday. Same principle. I know the concept that YouTube videos are supposed to be personal and honest and not like TV but it’s all just a lie, to comfort the shut ins who watch 24/7. Although I do wish personally the numbers would dry up and Bimmy is forced to close the channel and work a 9-5 where he’ll cry about his muh kids all day everyday.

    2. The official Cinemassacre subreddit had people who enjoyed the channel until the braindead new moderators allowed the homosexual horde from TheCinemassacreTruth to overrun it.

      1. True. But not in numbers that reflect a million views. There were 1-2 posts a week. I guess it’s based on retard Bimmy and his output.

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