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  • Earthworm Jim Trilogy – Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN) – Cinemassacre

    Oh great. A 26 minutes AVGN video. That’s what I want. Twenty-six minutes of this green screen, scat fetish bullshit.

    0:15 – But first, a word from our green screened sponsor: some VPN.

    1:30 – “When you think back to the 90s, you think of two things: slapstick and crude humour.”

    What? Who thinks that?

    And there’s footage of the PAINFULLY unfunny Chris Farley. Who are these people who are watching Saturday Night Live? I remember people talking about it in elementary school but I just never got it. How could anybody possibly find this shit funny? The same fucking three jokes repeated ad nauseum. Sketches that never seem to end. The “actors” just laughing at their own terribly unfunny material. It’s completely bizarre. You watch that shit, you hear the people laughing, and it’s an uncomfortable feeling. How stupid does somebody have to be to find this lazy, lowbrow shit funny? But they do. The show is hugely popular. So then you start to despair humanity.

    Anyway, James Rolfe, a confirmed, straight up retard, finds the show funny. I can see that. But a normal functioning person? How? It just goes to show that the average intelligence in America is extremely low. How else do you explain Saturday Night Live being on the air for fifty years?

    So James’ next example of how the 1990s was all about slapstick and crude humour is…LOONEY TUNES. You know, those theatrical shorts from the 1940s.

    Is he fucking retarded? Oh. Okay.

    Then Jim Carey. Another bafflingly unfunny thing. Retard Jimmy enjoys him.

    2:00 – Footage of a man defecating on a toilet while Jimmy says of the movie Dumb and Dumber, “Piss shit and puke.”

    Here we go with the scat fetish nonsense.

    2:30 – Extended talk about excrement. I won’t even transcribe it. It’s stupid. James is a stupid man. And I don’t want to listen to this.

    3:30 – Holy shit. James, just fucking shave your head. This is ridiculous. It looks terrible. Who are you kidding with this? His hairline is to the middle of his scalp. And we can’t see the back but there’s a huge bald spot there. All James is doing is working with this thin strip of hair that he has on the middle of his scalp and not showing the back. No. That’s not going to work. Come on. He can see this. His wife can see this. Why is nobody saying anything to him?

    What is he paying Screenwave for? They have a responsibility to tell James that his hair, or lack of hair, looks like shit. It’s time to let it go. He has more hair on his arms than he does on his head.

    Hold the phone. I may have stumbled onto something brilliant here. What about a hair transplant from his arms to his head? Presumably, it would only grow as long as arm hair grows. A quarter of an inch or whatever. But James’ arms are so fucking hairy that he could easily cover his whole head with it. Just a whole head of thick, quarter inch arm hair. Plus, it would solve the problem of his disgustingly hairy arms.

    5:30 – Shout out to Don Bluth. Did Mike write this? Who else talks about Don Bluth?

    6:15 – Disgusting reference to “farting assholes”.

    This stuff is not funny, James. Your handlers at Screenwave should be telling you this. Your wife should be telling you this. Why does it continue to happen?

    7:45 – World’s worst acting. Jimmy is “angry”.

    Then he hits the game with a hammer like he’s fucking reta — oh.

    And as he’s “hitting” the game, the footage skips back and forth to him kneeling on the floor and him pretending to sit on his green screen sofa. It doesn’t even make sense. If he’s sitting on the sofa, he wouldn’t be able to reach the game, which is on the ground.

    10:00 – Jimmy is clearly sexually excited when he’s talking about a level that takes place in some intestines. I don’t want to see this. Put your penis away, Jimmy.

    11:00 – Then the next stage is Buttville. Here we go again with this scat fetish bullshit.

    11:45 – “I’d like to introduce the balance of shit justice.”

    Not for me, Jimmy. This is not a video that I want to watch. Is this a video that ANYONE wants to watch?

    It’s a scale and on one side are video games and on the other side is human waste. Mm hmm. Yeah. Seven and a half years in special education.

    So then Jimmy pretends to play Earthworm Jim 2.

    14:15 – More scat talk from Jimmy…

    20:00 – He finished reading the review of the game and then goes back to that scale that has human faeces on it.

    Then it’s Earthworm Jim 3D.

    22:00 – He keeps yelling “brain”. It’s annoying. It’s not funny. And it’s making me want to stop the video. Is this what he wants from the viewer?

    23:45 – Jimmy makes a Donkey Kong stuffed novelty look like it’s defecating. Uh huh. Something to discuss with your psychiatrist, Jimmy.

    25:00 – Terrible footage of Jimmy pretending to get angry as he pretends to play the game. He’s the world’s worst actor.

    Then we’re back to the scales with poop on them.

    This is awful.

    Then the video ends with the fake credits. Directed and written by James Rolfe. Sure, it was. The poop “jokes” maybe but not the rest of it.

    Edited by Sean O’Rourke. Gameplay by James & Sean.

    One of these guys is the helium-voiced faggot who banned me from the Cinemassacre subreddit. I was referring to some transgender person and put “woman” in quotation marks so he banned me. But he wasn’t content with just banning me from the subreddit. He also reported me to the Reddit admins who banned me from the whole site for like a week. Just because I put “woman” in quotes while referring to a man in a dress.

    Why was this faggot so upset by this comment? Is there something that he wants to tell us? Is he “transitioning” just like his boss Ryan. Well, he’s already got the voice of the woman. So he has that going for him at least. Voices are one of the harder things to work on as far, as I’m concerned. Anybody can get giant implants. But speaking in a convincing feminine voice? Not easy to do. But this guy already has that part down pat.

    I had a job once where there was a woman from the Philippines. Smoking hot. Maybe mid to late 20s. Big tits. And she came in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend was a white English guy in his 50s.

    So I’m thinking, “Wait a minute. Something isn’t right here.”

    Later that day, a co-worker tells me that that Filipina with the big tits is a guy. Now it all made sense. And you’d look at him, with this knowledge, and you’d see that it’s a guy. Masculine hands is what I remember.

    But yeah, this stuff has been going on in the Philipines for many years. They’re way ahead of the game when it comes to ladyboys. Thailand, same thing. I wonder why it’s so popular in those countries.

  • Temple of Doom is the Best Indiana Jones Movie! – Tony from Hack the Movies

    Another non-horror movie. That’s always good. And I’ve seen the movie. Many times. I’ve seen all of the trilogy many times. I haven’t seen any of the later movies.

    So Tony is here with everyone’s favourite porn star Johanna. She’s wearing some kind of cowboy hat? I guess? Must be sunny in Tony’s apartment.

    Tony and Johanna both like the movie. Of course, it’s considered the worst of the trilogy. That’s the hook here. You’re supposed to be interested in hearing a contrary opinion. But it’s not working for me.

    I don’t even really remember the movie. I probably last saw it when I was in my early 20s. It must have been on television. I remember it being in India and caves and eating monkey brains and was that annoying screaming woman in this one? With that annoying Asian boy? I don’t know. But I don’t remember anything about the plot or the antagonist.

    4:00 – Tony says that he went to a karate school as a kid. Uh huh. Then why was he so unknowledgable about the martial arts in the Bloodsport “review”? Maybe he just went for a short while.

    5:00 – Johanna takes her hat off and says, “It’s not even brown.” Oh. So this was supposed to be like the hat that Indiana Jones wears. I thought it was like the hat that Freddy Krueger wears. But anyway, that was the reference, I guess. She wasn’t wearing it for fashion.

    6:00 – Tony doesn’t know what language they speak in China. He suggests Mandarin and then “Chinese”. Johanna says, “No, that’s not it. It’s Madarin or what’s the other one?”

    Cantonese. Mostly spoken in Hong Kong. The only reason you know about it is because a lot of people from Hong Kong moved to the US. But they speak many languages in China. Not just Mandarin and Cantonese. How could they not know this?

    Then Tony starts talking about his high school musical theatre experiences. GAY!

    9:30 – Johanna goes on and on about how hot Harrison Ford was in this movie. Eugh. Can you at least TRY to say something worth listening to?

    I’m at 22 minutes. Nap time. I’m going to put this pause and I’ll possibly continue this when I wake up. But I probably won’t.

    That was refreshing. I’ll let this shit play in the background. Maybe something semi-interesting will be said, although I doubt it.

    24:30 – Johanna goes on and on and on and on and on and on about the scene where that annoying woman doesn’t want to eat whatever she’s being served by these Indian people. Tony agrees. The idea is that it’s outrageous to refuse to eat food when people around you are starving?

    What? How does that follow? That woman refusing to eat doesn’t mean that other people in the village are going to have even less food. If anything, the complete oppostite is true. By her not eating, it means that somebody else can eat her food. What’s the problem?

    I remember in like the second grade being served a hamburger patty with a scoop of mashed potatoes on it. It was the most disgusting thing I’d ever seen in my life. So I started crying. I don’t want to eat this shit. But I knew that I couldn’t throw it away because the cafeteria ladies scold you for throwing food away.

    So I’m freaking out and a teacher comes over to me. She starts talking about starving African children. What’s the relevance? You served me complete shit. A hamburger patty with a scoop of mashed potatoes on it is not a meal. It’s not appetising. There are ways to prepare meat and potatoes that are much more palatable than this. And I’m not a starving African child. I had absolutely nothing to do with the famine in Africa.

    This teacher keeps encouraging me to eat the food, though. This fucking disgusting shit. There’s no chance. So finally she gave up and I was allowed to throw it away. The cafeteria never served that dish ever again. So a victory for common sense. A hamburger patty with a scoop of mashed potatoes on it. Fuck you. That’s disgusting. That shouldn’t even be served to starving African children.

    This is awful. I made it to 30:00.

    • “hey i know i fuck with you a lot. But good content. This is the only time im saying it.”

    That was a comment from Mike Matei. What? Why did Mike, apparently, like this? What year did this movie come out? 1986? No. 1984.

    Yeah. I see then. This is Mike’s era. He was four years old. Mike is all about things that happened when he was between the ages of two and four. Those were Mike’s prime years.

    Now I’m going to go watch Conan the Barbarian. And listen to Hungry like the Wolf by Duran Duran. And enjoy a bowl of Most cereal. 1982 was truly the pinacle of human civilization and I was there living it to the fullest, as a four year old.

    ,

  • Discovering The Lost Saint Seiya Cartoon | The Secret Stories of Saint Seiya Part 2 – Ray Mona

    Let’s try to get through this shit. It’s going to be another boring as fuck anime thing from crazy Bobdunga aka Ray Mona where she has to pretend that she’s Agent Scully from the X-Files.

    I attempted to review part 1 here:

    The Secret Stories of Saint Seiya (Part 1) | Tales of the Lost – Bobdunga – Ray Mona

    0:30 – Yeah. It’s the same shit. Crazy Bobdunga is going to pad this out with fucking ridiculous cloak and dagger bullshit. And let me remind you that we’re talking about a CARTOON. Not fucking international intrigue over nuclear secrets.

    God, this is fucking insufferable. I’m about to quit after one minute.

    I was watching that Litvinenko series a few months ago. I saw the first episode. It was about the investigation into the poisoning. It was alright. But I didn’t watch the remaining three episodes. Not to diminish the man’s death but I’ve got other stuff to do. I don’t need to watch another two hours of this dry bullshit detailing the day to day minutia of police investigations.

    So take that idea and then apply it to ANIME. And instead of following the actions of actual detectives, it’s following the actions of a fucking crazy woman who’s pretending to be a detective. She’s trying to solve the case of the missing anime.

    It’s pretentious in the extreme. It’s a 60 minute video that can EASILY be edited down to 10 minutes. She talked to some people who made the anime, they told her that the anime can be found in the Library of Congress, so crazy Bobdunga contacted the Library of Congress and they send Bobdunga the anime. That’s it. That’s the story. Who gives a shit?

    But she’s going to completely pad this out with stupid bullshit about her life being in danger and meetings with shadowy informants and possibly an extraterrestrial abduction. Maybe she’ll get anally probed this time. Then she can go on a many year campaign about how the aliens “gaslighted” her and try to get the aliens removed from Youtube.

    1:45 – During one of these obnoxious recreations of crazy Bobdunga doing some “research” on her laptop in her bedroom in her mother’s house, she has a framed picture of the father from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air on her wall. I’m not even joking. That’s him, isn’t it? It’s blurry but I’m pretty sure it’s him.

    Why would she have a framed picture of Phillip Banks in her room? Maybe because her own father left her as a child so Phillip Banks is her surrogate father. The man died years ago, by the way.

    She also has Christmas lights strung up on her bed. Why? Just some more crazy bullshit from this very disturbed woman.

    3:00 – So now we’ve finished with the prologue so we’re into the intro. Yes, there’s both a prologue and an intro.

    The intro is just some rocking tune that crazy Bobdunga found from some free music database. Or maybe a horntard made it? Or maybe it’s the them from this anime? I don’t know.

    I’m seven minutes in. This is so bad that I can’t even describe it. I just want this to be over.

    I’m sorry. I made it to 10 minutes and still nothing has happened. I’m turning this off. I don’t give a shit about any of this and crazy Bobdunga REFUSES to just fucking get on with it.

    Let me look at the chapter headings.

    No. It’s just crazy bullshit. None of this tells me anything.

    Comments. I’m done. Fuck it.

    Nothing interesting. Of course. There was a comment where Bobdunga said that she made the dolls that appear in the video. I did wonder about that. Because their costumes appeared to be paper. So that was just crazy Bobdunga playing with her dolls. Making clothes for them.

    So she put fake stuff into this “documentary”. Well, I suppose it’s full of fake shit.

    She links to the first “documentary” that she made which was done in the same exact ridiculous X-Files style. She was so happy with how it turned out that she’s used that same style for her other “documentary.” So now everything has to be a big conspiracy that only crazy Bobdunga can uncover. Who can solve the mystery of why my underpants always get skidmarks on them? Bobdunga is on the case. She’s going to make a three hour video on it where she interviews a whistleblower from the Hanes corporation in silhouette. She can’t just say, “Hey, maybe you should just wipe your ass more.”

    Here’s Erin shiling for crazy Bobdunga. Bobdunga is closing in on Erin’s subscriber numbers. Bobdunga has 68,000 subscribers and Erin has 76,000. Good for Bobdunga. Bobdunga did it WITHOUT resorting to being a sugarbaby for anyone.

    At least she’s not writing about her homosexual ex-boyfriend any more. Not from what I saw, anyway. What was his name? Oh. RelaxAlax. What’s he up to these days?

    https://www.youtube.com/@relaxalax/videos

    Oh, about two months ago he started making videos again. He took a year old break. All good tv shows take a break. So good for him. The videos are unwatchable, though.

    ,

  • Extremely RARE Castlevania Arcade Machine – Erin Plays

    Another zero effort video from Erin. THREE MINUTES. And it’s a compilation of footage that she’s already shown like a year ago.

    No, it was more than a year ago. She wrote about this trip to the arade in 2021. On Twitter. I discussed this memorable event here:

    Pikachu Y2K- Felix the Cat on NES Hack! – Erin Plays

    Mike forced Erin to go to some nerdy arcade and Erin played some Castlevania arcade game. Poorly. REALLY poorly. That’s the video. Do we really need to see it again? This happened YEARS ago.

    0:00 – “Did you know about THIS Castlevania arcade game?”

    YES. From your fucking tweet in November 2021.

    And she’s wearing her iconic Hamburglar top. That must be the top that she wears whenever she’s doing something special.

    Then there’s footage of Erin playing other Castlevania games, on stream, for money.

    Then she’s going to Wikipedia dot com to get information about the history of the Castlevania franchise.

    0:45 – Then there’s footage of Erin swinging the remote thing AWKWARDLY AS FUCK.

    You know what might have helped? Handing Mike your purse. Don’t worry about emasculating him. He’s already emasculated himself thousands of times in his sycophantic promotion of your atrocious videos. “Hey, guys! Go watch my sugarbaby on Twitch.” No thanks, Mike. I’d rather do absolutely anything else.

    The purse seems to be getting in the way but I think that she’s wearing it just for this video because it tightens her Hamburglar top and shows whatever breasts she has. Without the purse, of course she’d still be swinging that remote awkwardly as fuck but it might help a tiny bit if she got rid of the purse.

    1:30 – “After playing it for a bit, it does get a bit tiring and I wish I knew what I was doing.”

    Indeed. This comment can be applied to every single game that Erin plays.

    Sorry guys. I have to end the stream there. Carpal tunnel. Sorry that I had no idea how to play the game. Bye!”

    2:30 – Shout out to “Round 1 Arcade in Pennsylvania” where Erin plays this game. YEARS AGO.

    According to Google, there are at least three locations in Pennsylvania. Exton seems to be the closest to Philadelphia. I think that they live somewhat near there. Do you suppose that was the one? Or was it the Lancaster location?

    Ooh. They also have bowling. Do you suppose that Mike made Erin bowl?

    What about go-karts? Any go-karts there?

    Not that I’m seeing. But they have karaoke. Oh, I’m sure Erin would love that. And billiards. Guarantee Erin never played billiards before. Her game is 8 Ball.

    They also have something called “spo-cha” at the Lancaster location (which is the one that I think they went to).

    https://www.round1usa.com/spo-cha

    “Spo-Cha is an indoor sports complex, catering to all your recreational needs under one roof.”

    And then they have a list of activities.

    Basketball. Mechanical bull? Oh my god. Shishi is changing his underpants imagining Erin riding a mechanical bull. Hoverboard? Whatever that means. Arcade.

    Batting cages? That’s going to be fun for Erin. Work on her swing.

    Trampoline? Oh my god. No way. Shishi can’t take this sort of imagery.

    Food and bar. Mini bowling. Karaoke. Kids play area.

    Pocket Bike? Oh, that’s like a go-kart thing but…even gayer.

    Roller rink. How 70s. Catch ball and frisbee. Whatever that is. Billiards. Dodgeball. Soccer. Ping pong.

    And of course the old massage chair. Poor Shishi.

    But yeah, this sounds like a fucking nightmare. And Erin went to this place as a 35 year old woman. It’s clearly for children. Children and creepy man-children. But Erin went there and pretended to enjoy it. She only went the one time, though. YEARS ago. She must not have enjoyed it so much.

    Then Erin ends the video by suggesting that a “modder” should get this game to work on the Wii. Oh, sure. That sounds like a simple task. Not to mention the legal issues.

    But this is something that Mike often talks about in his streams. He talks about how “modders”, or whatever term he uses, should make various homebrew games that he says he would like. “Why has no modder made a Thunder Cats game?” Shit like this. Erin just stole this idea or Mike specifically told her to say this. Maybe Mike wrote this whole fucking “script”, for whatever that’s worth.

    Absolutely abysmal video. Erin has totally given up on Youtube.

    • “Step on me, Erin-sama.”
    • “Hey Erin, would you like to have dinner with me sometime?”
    • “I’m speechless…this is really amazing thank you ma’am” (crying emoji) (heart emoji)
    • “Hi Erin, have you played the Psp one?”

    Anyone want to guess what Erin’s answer was to this one? “Not yet.”

    Did you see her play the game on stream, you fucking retard? Then she didn’t play it.

    • “Love hearing you pronounce Grimoire as “Grime More.” (For future reference, its pronounced “grim wha”)”

    Erin says, “Yeah, I goofed.” I guess that Erin “always” “forgets” how to pronounce Grimoire. She’s a big Castlevania fan, guys.

    Oh, and in the comments she says that she went to the Exton location. The Exton location is in a mall. Do you suppose that Erin went to the mall as well? What exciting stories she could tell about that trip? Hey guys! Remember Sears?

    • “you are so beautiful and wonderful”
    • “My favorite E-girl besides Shoe On Head. Liked, engaged and done!”

    Oh, here’s a comment from Joe from Gamesack. Joe from Gamesack loves Erin. He also loves Newt’s penis so…I don’t know. Maybe he’s just a horny guy who takes whatever he can get.

    • “We have one of those at the Round 1 out here. I’ve only walked through Round 1 once or twice. I can’t remember if I took video of it or not.”

    Fascinating, Joe. Then Erin says, “You should play it while you still can! And win me something from one of the crane games while you’re there, thanks.” Joe replies, “Well, shit. OK.”

    Absolutely shameless. She’s with the love of her life, Mike Matei, Joe. Stop trying to be a homewrecker. And Erin, I know that Joe is a sexy boy but try to control yourself. Mike will get jealous.

    Oh, Erin even tweeted about Joe recently.

    She was saving his video for her plane ride. She must be on one of her twice-monthly trips to visit her parents in California. Mike is of course paying for all of this. And on the trip, she’s watching Joe from Gamesack videos. And tweeting about it. It’s disgusting. We all know what this is. We’re not fucking retards. Well, I’m not. I appreciate that most of her fans are mentally retarded. But this is Erin keeping a beta orbiter like Joe around. Feeding him bits of attention. This thing with Mike isn’t going to last forever. She wants to keep Joe as an option.

    • “Erin you are so damn pretty! Can we go to the arcade for a date?”
    • “Hey Erin! Hope you had an awesome weekend! Keep it retro!”

    You know it, Tony De Luna. Erin is all about those retro video games. Just kicking back and playing Defender all weekend.

  • Murderous Muses – An FMV Murder Mystery – Cannot be Tamed

    Shout out to Newt Wallen and his muse Horseface.

    I was reading an article just today about how how the concept of a “muse” is sexist. I suppose that I knew it was creepy but I never thought about why. But yeah, some creep show director or artist or whatever claiming to need a young woman to trigger his “creativity”. Yeah, I don’t think so.

    Whoa. Speaking of creep shows, Pam is showing off the goods in this one. Views must be going down again.

    0:00 – “Today I’m talking about a new FMV game about art, inspiration, and murder.”

    Ummm…can you just take your dress off instead? NOBODY cares about FMV games. Even in the heyday of FMV games, 1998, nobody liked them.

    She implies that she got this game for free by the publisher. This is an ad. When you’re making a Youtube video that’s just an ad, aren’t you supposed to declare it?

    1:30 – Whoa. Sexy school marm over here.

    Ew. Then we see her god awful new tattoo. Totally puts me off. Sorry, Pam. Back to the dog fucking for you.

    God damn. This is insufferable. This looks like the world’s most pretentious game. It has a bunch of English people with posh accents potraying rich English people from…I don’t even know. But I think from the somewhat distant past. 1920s maybe? But I think that they’re wearing modern clothes so…this is garbage. I can see Pam enjoying it, though. This has Pam written all over it. Boring and pretentious.

    That’s the video. Total fucking trash.

    Comments.

    • Not nearly enough females who clearly know what they’re about when talking about videogames. Love this channel!”

    Some nerd replies, “Whenever someone says females it always reminds me of the Ferengi from Star Trek.”

    Yeah. Nice Star Trek reference. Jerking off to large eared Ferengi over there. So the original poster comes back, “Well I didn’t know what else to say. Is there a better way to refer to the fairer sex?”

    Pretty gay to say “fairer sex” but whatever.

    Then Pam, who loves being patronising, says, “Women.”

    No, you dumb bitch. Because that doesn’t include girls.

    Then some other guy says, “What a weird and sexist comment lol.”

    Was the original post weird and sexist? Maybe? He’s suggesting that there aren’t many channels run by women who are knowledgeable about games. But is he wrong? I’m not an expert by any means on video game Youtube channels run by women, but from what I’ve seen, it’s not at all uncommon for the woman to be a total fraud who knows nothing about video games. And you NEVER see this with guys. Show me the fake gamer Youtube channel run by a guy. Chris Bores? Maybe. But he seems to know something about video games.

    Anyway, then the guy who wrote the original message comes back. “Well I give a compliment and get called sexist. I honestly meant no disrespect. Now that I know what the community is like you can be sure I will never post again.”

    Then he replies to Pam aka CannotBeEntertaining directly, “I sincerely apologize for using the wrong term. I meant no disrespect.”

    You’re not going to get a date with this shit, I’ll tell you that. And that’s clearly what he’s trying to do. Pam enjoys being a patronising bitch that gets on her woke high horse on a regular basis but that’s not what she’s looking for in a man. She was dating that Mexican guy for years. Do you think he was some woke pussy? He was probably demanding a cooked meal every night. Foot rubs. Rough sex. Calling her a bitch. And then when he got bored of Pam, he dropped her like a sack of shit. And now she’s fucking her dog.

    This is what women are looking for. I wish it was otherwise. I wish there was a way for gentle nerds like John Prezioso over here to say, “Oh, please. You’re so pretty, Pam. Can we go on a date to the feminist film festival this Saturday?” to get a date. But there isn’t. No woman wants that. They’re looking for a take charge guy.

    Is this a sexist comment? No. It’s the unfortunate reality.

  • Last Stream Before I move – Newt Wallen

    Where is he moving? Maybe he’ll say.

    1.45 – PVC Bondage Guy and some other woman he pays to hang out with him will help him move. Not that PVC Bondage Guy is a woman. He’s obviously a man.

    Newt says that he worked all day.

    2:30 – Newt says that he’ll be closer to the “mainline” in this new place. He says that it’s closer to his new job…I really hope he’s talking about an actual job as opposed to this tits and gore shit.

    3:30 – Newt says, “We’ll be up by Bath, PA.”

    Who’s “we”? Him and PVC Bondage Guy? And where is Bath?

    He says that he helps run a theatre in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

    Bath is a small town, population 2,000, near Allentown.

    4:30 – He’s talking about the Amish.

    5:00 – “I’m in Bucks County which is, you know, white people”.

    Yeah. Like almost all of rural America. What is his problem with white people?

    6:30 – Fallon, the prostitute who Newt pays to hang out with him, is in the chat. She says, “What’s shakin.” That’s hot, right? A 40 year old prostitute saying, “What’s shakin”? Like boobies, you know? 40 year old boobies.

    7:15 – He says that he’s going to be living over a bar, a pizza place, and a nail salon. What? Why would he choose this place? Apartments above shops are always awful. Must because it’s cheaper, I guess.

    Newt says that his current place doesn’t have a washer and dryer in the actual apartment but there’s some in the complex.

    It’s crazy. In this day and age? 20 years ago I was living in a place in New England that didn’t have a washer. But I’ve NEVER seen a place in the UK that doesn’t have a washer in the property. Maybe this is still a problem in the US, no matter how shit.

    16:30 – Newt says that it was his idea to review Alien 3. This is, apparently, some thing that Tony says a lot. Newt claims responsibility for just about every idea ever conceived. Well, he is The Ideas Man, after all. I believe him.

    17:45 – Newt is talking about what he did for Passover. You guys all celebrate Passover, right?

    24:00 – “We’re doing an overhaul of the comic book because we have to change some likenesses and stuff like that?”

    What? CHANGE THE FUCKING NAME! It’s Florida Man, by the way. He stole this idea from the existing Florida Man “meme”. And there’s also a pre-existing Florida Man comic. And he knows this. And he went ahead with this anyway.

    I wonder what likenesses he’s changing, though. I think that there was a character who looked like Horseface. Maybe that’s it.

    But he said that this thing would be released…he keeps changing the fucking dates.

    32:00 – Newt suggests that he’s still kind of friendly with Mike Matei and Erin Plays. But everyone from Screenwave blocked him.

    He says that he deleted James’ phone number and email address from his phone. It’s suggested that James doesn’t want to talk to Newt ever again.

    I made it to 35 minutes. I’m going to turn this off now. I have work in the morning. I can’t stay up watching this fucking three hour stream.

  • Looking for PAL Exclusives at OLL ’23 in Norwich UK – John Riggs

    Oh, John Riggs is in England now. Trolling for booty. Do the kids still say that? Is that even the expression? Is it “trawling for booty?” Maybe in John Riggs’ case it’s trawling. He’s trawling the deep sea for 300 pound, purple-haired fish with no standards.

    Oh, according to the description, it’s the first time that old John Riggs has been abroad. That’s nice then. He decided to go to Norwich. The jewel of England. The description continues, “Here’s what I saw, what I ate and what I grabbed as I was looking for those PAL exclusives.”. We all need to know what John Riggs is eating. And I suspect that he’s going to be eating A LOT in this video. The man can’t stop eating. Just look at him if you need any proof. He’s going to be so disappointed with the portion sizes in these restaurants.

    Wow. John Riggs is also on Cameo. WHO THE FUCK WOULD PAY $15 FOR A JOHN RIGGS CAMEO?

    But let’s just focus on the trip. This is John Riggs going to Norwich for some bizarre reason. He must know somebody there. Presumably a woman with purple hair. Why else would somebody go to Norwich? Why would he choose Norwich as his first trip abroad?

    0:30 – He says that he’s drinking Pepsi for breakfast. He sure enjoys sugary beverages. And yeah. Pepsi. That’s what you want when you’re on vacation in the UK. You want to try the British take on Pepsi.

    He says that it tastes better. It very well may do. I don’t think that it’s the exact same recipe. Are they still using high fructose corn syrup in the US? Because they don’t do that Frankestein shit anywhere else. They use sugar in the rest of the world.

    Also, British Snickers taste much better than the American Snickers. I’m thinking for the same reason. High fructose corn syrup. But it’s a noticeably different taste.

    But anyway, why wouldn’t you try a local beverage? Why fucking Pepsi?

    Oh, I should have mentioned that John Riggs is at a nerd convention. That’s what this video is going to be about. And food. Mostly food, I’m guessing.

    3:15 – Eugh. Here’s a collab nobody wanted. John Riggs and TheGebs24. She’s fucking awful. She probably made her own video of this nerd convention where she just complained about the prices. Then she went back to her tiny hovel and had sex with her 400 pound American wife.

    And behind her, there’s a blue haired woman. Not quite purple.

    3:45 – And then fucking horrendous Slopes Game Room. “‘Ello, guv’nor!”. No. I’m turning it off. I don’t think that I ever got past the intro to any of his videos.

    There’s a 300 pound woman behind him.

    4:15 – A guy in his late 40s, I’d guess, with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tattoo. He’s completely indecipherable.

    5:15 – Now some food. What the fuck? It’s a tiny sausage on a tiny piece of bread. John Riggs must be livid. “It’s their version of a sausage roll” and then he says that he got it from a South African food vendor outside.

    Sausage rolls are a common thing in the UK. I don’t think that the food particularly exists in the US. It’s a fucking pureed sausage type paste incased in bread. Not this. Not what John Riggs was showing.

    9:00 – Now he’s shilling some other scam. John Riggs LOVES shilling for scams. He’s completely shameless. He was shilling for a company that sells shares in fucking old Air Jordans. It’s disgusting. And people call him out for this shit and he just says, “Well, it’s up to you to do your research.” How about not shilling for obvious scams, you fat fucking piece of shit?

    14:30 – Now John Riggs is looking for food. Just at some food trucks outside. He’s back at that South African truck.

    He didn’t even show us what he fucking ate. Presumably everything.

    20:00 – He’s at some…I guess the cafeteria at this nerd convention.

    20:45 – Ha. There are three tiny meat pies on his plate. It’s fucking hilarious. There are also maybe 20 fries and half a cup of peas.

    Oh. He also ordered fish and chips. So he ordered two meals. Now it’s starting to make sense. One meal would not be sufficient for this mastodon. Not with these portions.

    21:45 – It’s the next day. He shows a sausage roll that TheGebs24 got for him. So…I assume that he’s staying with this woman. And her 400 pound wife. Weird but John Riggs is married too. Maybe these are all open relationships. And you’d have to be REALLY open to do anything with John Riggs.

    But anyway, yeah, this is what a sausage roll looks like. She presumably got this from Greggs, which is a…food chain of some description. Their main product is sausage rolls. They also sell…I don’t know…bread and dougnuts and shit. Actually, I think that they discontinued the bread a few years ago. But yeah, these sausage rolls taste of nothing. It’s a weird paste of meat encased in bread. But they’re popular for whatever inexpliable reason. Because they’re cheap, I guess.

    25:30 – Some fucking gay man is drinking a 7-Up. I’ve never seen a 7-Up in the UK. I don’t really browse the soda section of the grocery store but still. It’s interesting. Maybe he got it from an import store for like £5 in order to impress John Riggs.

    27:00 – John Riggs is amazed by a black currant Capri Sun. I’ve never seen a Capri Sun in the UK either but, again, I’m not going to the children’s beverage section of the grocery store. But yeah, black currant is a common flavour in the UK. And it sucks penis.

    28:15 – John Riggs is eating a Dumle chocolate that was given to him by some Swedish guy. John Riggs asks if it’s the most popular chocolate in Sweden. The Swedish guy says, “One of the most popular.”

    Dumle is made by Fazer, which is a Finnish company. I don’t expect John Riggs to know this but how the fuck did that Swedish guy apparently not know this? Why is he giving Finnish chocolate at his booth? There must be Swedish chocolate.

    So that’s the video. Surprisingly sparse on the food. Also, not seen in this video: John Riggs’ long-suffering wife and children.

    Good that he travelled…I guess. Even though it was to Norwich. For a nerd convention. And he was just there looking for ass.

  • Bloodsport is The Fakest True Story Ever Told! – Tony from Hack the Movies

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmyEwade3b8

    Tony isn’t allowing you to embed his videos any more. That’s weird. What’s the possible reason for this? Doesn’t it still count as a view if you watch it somewhere else? Maybe it’s me who did something wrong.

    Well, just click the link if you want to watch this snoozefest. I don’t think that anybody watches the videos on the blog anyway.

    So Bloodsport. I’ve seen it many times. One of the few movies that Tony “reviews” that I’ve seen. He seems to FINALLY be doing stuff other than horror movies.

    Tony’s with some douchebag with a porkpie hat. Fucking Popeye Doyle over here. You’re not a hipster, sir. You’re just bald. Get over it.

    I never even considered going down the hat route when I was losing my hair. Or comb overs. Or that scam cream shit. Or hair plugs. Or any of that shit.

    Just one day, I noticed how bad my hair was getting so I went to the bathroom, got some clippers out, and the job was done. I started with a 4 guard, then about a month later went down to a 2 guard, and then a month after that I just started shaving it. That’s what I’ve been doing ever since.

    You always get people saying, “Oh, you need to grow facial hair” or “Oh, you need the right-shaped head.” No. Fuck you, you fucking faggots obsessing over a man’s appearance. It makes no difference. If you have the “wrong” shaped head, you’re going to have the “wrong” shaped head with or without hair. And beards are for homos. So do whatever you want.

    Anyway, back to Buster Keaton and Fatty Arbuckle over here.

    I’m ten minutes into this now. They’re just summarising the movie scene by scene. As usual.

    Let me look up this guy is as I let the video play in the background.

    This guy isn’t even on Twitter. He’s only on INSTAGRAM. What? Does he have sexy pictures of himself on there? Oh. No, it’s his fucking…he gives his job as “Makeup FX, Sculpture & Monster Maker”. In rural Pennysylvania. He has whatever stuff he’s made on there.

    No Twitter, though. It’s madness. Personally, I never got into social media. I never had a Facebook account or Twitter or anything. What for? It’s never been an issue. I don’t want to talk to people I knew in high school or anything.

    16:30 – They’re talking about some rope scene where the Jean Claude Van Damme character was able to do the splits. And they talk about how preposterous this rope contraption is.

    I took taekwondo and to a lesser extent karate for many years as a kid. This shit went on.

    I went to one “dojo” that had a rope fed through a hole in the wall and then it came out another hole in the wall. This was all at ground level. There was a noose on one end of the rope. So what you would do is sit on the floor, put the noose around your ankle, and then pull the other side of the rope. By doing so, your legs would be pulled further and further towards the wall. The idea was to improve your flexibility over time and eventually be able to do the splits.

    It was obviously dangerous as fuck.

    So this “sensei” is showing me how this works along with a couple of Mexican guys who were also students. The “sensei” was demonstrating this on himself. Then one of the Mexican guys said, “I think I saw this in a porno once” and the “sensei” got upset, I think because this was a grown man and making a joke like that around me. I was probably like 14 or so.

    But it’s true. It is the sort of contraption that you might see in a porn movie.

    That “dojo” only operated for like a month. Me and these two Mexican men were the only students. We never actually had a class, it was all just in the planning stages. Then one day there was a note on the door from the “sensei” saying that he broke his hand and he’d be re-opening the “dojo” when he recovers. It never re-opened. All good “dojos” take a break.

    But yeah, that Mexican guy was pretty creepy. He pointed out some white girl walking by the “dojo” and told me that he thought she was cute. He said, “Probably a cheerleader, eh holmes?” Yeah, sure thing, Cheech. Can we just focus on the martial arts?

    Back to this video, Tony talked about how some character in the movie was “gatekeeping” the martial arts by saying that he would only teach karate or whatever this martial art is to Japanese guys. And Tony talks about this like it’s something crazy.

    No. That’s the whole fucking deal. Westerners were only taught martial arts after…I don’t know…World War II? And even then, for a long time, it was protected. If you weren’t Japanese, you weren’t learning judo. If you weren’t Korean, you weren’t learning taekwondo. Shit like this. Even among other Asian people, they weren’t going for it. Koreans couldn’t learn judo, for example. They took this seriously.

    Then you look at the spread of martial arts throughout the world, it’s just a handful of people who brought it outside of Asia. And this was since WWII so we have pictures of these people and they’re contemporary. It’s not something that goes back thousands of years outside of Asia. This is a recent phenomena.

    And when I was a student, I had an old Korean “sensei” at one of these “dojos” that I went to. He refused to teach. He didn’t do shit. And it showed. The students were all awful. He just chilled in his little office all day.

    But it’s not that he didn’t know taekwondo. He knew it. When he would demonstrate something, it was clear that he was really good. But he just didn’t want to teach us because we weren’t Korean.

    There was a Korean boy there, though. And this “sensei” did teach the Korean boy. The rest of us were just left to our devices. Fortunately, I already knew taekwondo before I came to this “dojo” so I kicked this shit out of everyone.

    Anyway, back to the video. Eugh.

    26:30 – Tony’s mother enters the “set”. We don’t see her but Tony talks about her.

    32:45 – They’re talking about the monkey-style guy in the movie. Porkpie asks if it’s just racism or if there’s an actual monkey style martial art.

    Yeah. Fucking monkey style kung fu. Or any of the other styles of kung fu. Crane style. Tiger style. Let me look this up.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Animal_styles_in_Chinese_martial_arts

    Yeah. Right there.

    These people don’t know shit about martial arts. How could you not know about monkey style kung fu? It’s in the zeitgeist. Didn’t Dale from King of the Hill know monkey style kung fu?

    36:30 – Extended discussion about Jean Claude Van Damme’s buttocks. They’re starting to get excited.

    I made it to 48 minutes. I think I’m good.

    Didn’t even get sleepy this time. I think the key is talking about a movie that I’m at least semi-interested in. So not this fucking horror bullshit for 12 year old boys. Not that Bloodsport isn’t also for 12 year old boys.

    But yeah, Bloodsport was great. This is how martial arts were in the 1980s and 1990s. It was full of mysticism and made up bullshit. “Kumite” was an actual word that was used. In the karate McDojo that I went to at least. It’s a Japanese word. I guess. Maybe. But it’s definitely not used in taekwondo. Taekwondo is Korean, of course.

    People believed in like pressure point death moves. And the power of yelling (kiai). And that you literally had to register your hands with the police when you became a black belt. Shit like this. And not just me, as a kid. ADULTS believed this. I saw it. I heard it. The fucking “senseis” believed this shit.

    The idea was that if you’re good at taekwondo or karate or whatever you can go out and kick everybody’s ass. But I never heard of ANYBODY from any of the “dojos” I went to EVER getting into an actual fight. If they did, they’d probably get fucking destroyed.

    Although, maybe people weren’t getting into fights because other people knew that they knew some martial arts. The mere idea that you knew taekwondo or whatever was enough to put people off from wanting to fight you.

    It certainly worked for me. I remember in the ninth grade somebody threw a slice of a tomato at some kid, the kid dodged, and the tomato hit me. I was pissed off. So I told that guy that I’m a taekwondo master and he better write a fucking two page apology to me by tomorrow or I’m going to fucking unload on him.

    So he actually wrote the two page apology. I was like 80 pounds. I would have died if I fought this guy. But he wrote the apology and he specifically mentioned in the apology that he’s only doing this under duress because he got confirmation from somebody else that I do in fact know taekwondo.

    I have a number of examples like this. I didn’t put up with any shit. And I had absolutely nothing to back it up other than taekwondo experience, which was TOTALLY USELESS. So the captain of the football team is suddenly giving me the business, hey fuck you, you fucking cretin. You better watch who you’re messing with. I’ve kicked the shit out of every kid in my taekwondo class. And it worked. People back down.

    Even today. You get those charity people or whatever who jump in front of you and try to get your credit card details. When they don’t get the very obvious hint that I’m not interested, I tell them to fuck off. I put a middle finger in their face. Whatever. They never retaliate. Sometimes they get close. So I gesticulate in the well-understood, “Hey, you want to bring it. Let’s go” sort of fashion. They never bring it.

    One of the things that these “senseis” use to promote kids joining their “dojo” is that martial arts help with your self-esteem. It’s true. So in that sense, martial arts are a good thing. You don’t have to actually put it into practice. Indeed, that’s the lowest form of martial arts. The highest form of martial arts is when you’re so confident of your abilities, people realise it and don’t want to engage. Of course, higher still would be people who don’t want to fight you because they like you.

    Chapter 73 of Wen-Tzu sets this all out.

    Lao-tzu said:
    When you go on the Way, it makes other people unable to wound you no matter how boldly they stab, unable to hit you no matter how skillfully they strike.

    Indeed, to be immune to stabbing and striking is still an embarrassment; it is not as good as causing people not to dare to stab you no matter how bold they are, not to dare to strike you no matter how clever they are.

    Now not daring does not mean there is no such intention, so it is even better to cause people not to have the intent.

    Those who have no such intention do not have a mind that loves to help or harm. That is not as good as causing all the men and women in the world to joyfully wish to love and help you. If you can do that, then you are a sovereign even if you have no land, you are a chief even if you have no office; everyone will wish for your security and welfare.

    Therefore courage in daring kills, courage in not daring enlivens

  • Job Advice for Kieran

    Kieran quit his job at Screenwave a few weeks ago. He talked about it during one of his streams. The stream is somewhere. I don’t know where. I saw it, though. He had a number of gripes but let’s just say that he quit because of dissatisfaction.

    He says that he was living pay check to pay check. While fucking Ryan was living in a mansion and wanting to get giant breast implants.

    I seem to remember the homosexuals on Reddit saying that Kieran made $40,000 and they suggested that it was a low wage. Is it, though? I don’t know.

    About twenty years ago, I was making $8.50/hour. How much would that be per year? $17,500. My rent was $500/month. So yeah, that would be about 1/3 of my income was going to rent. That’s the general guide. You shouldn’t spend more than 1/3 of your income on rent. And I was doing that. It was fine.

    I remember people at the time, co-workers of mine, asking how I managed to afford my own place. They had roommates. Well…you’re making $1500/month, rent is $500, that leaves you $1000/month for utilities, car insurance, gas, food, whatever. It’s enough.

    Kieran was possibly making more than twice that. Why was he living pay check to pay check?

    I know that my example is from 20 years ago and prices have gone up but can it really have gone up that much?

    Anyway, I just have my standard advice: get citizenship in Ireland and move. Why not? Everybody always talks about how Irish Kieran is. I think that all you need is one grandparent who was an Irish citizen and you can get Irish citizenship. Does Kieran not have this?

    You don’t have to pay any lawyer or company to do this. You just gather the required information (proof that your grandparent was a citizen, your birth certificate, shit like this), fill out the form, send the $2000 or whatever it’s going to be, and then you get the citizenship. It’s not a problem. And it’s all in English.

    Then you can move. Go to Dublin. I did it myself. You can read about my fabulous four weeks in Dublin right here on the blog.

    Then you can get a job doing whatever. It doesn’t matter. Anything is fine. Anything is an improvement over living in rural Pennsylvania doing some shit job. Wouldn’t it be much more impressive to do a shit job in Dublin?

    You can also immediately claim benefits. Or at least I did. Maybe the rules have changed.

    Kieran would also have an advantage with the ladies if he moved. I’m not saying that he’d be swamped by interested women but if you’re an American in America, that’s worth nothing. But an American in Ireland is worth something. It’s a slight advantage over your previous position in the US.

    Or he’d be able to go to Spain with Irish citizenship. He says that he speaks Spanish. He can get some low-paying job at a TEFL school. Or maybe even a legitimate school if he’s fluent in Spanish.

    Or you can go anywhere. Germany, Italy, Sweden, France, Poland. Anywhere in the European Union. If you don’t speak the language, it doesn’t matter. You can just go there and collect welfare until you learn. Check the laws before you go. Some countries are more generous than others.

    Think of the possibilities. And it’s not some crazy bullshit idea like thinking that you’re going to make money with tits and gore movies or the world’s dullest movie reviews. This can all be done with reasonable ease. I moved with $2000. I know people who moved to the UK with $200. This happens all the time.

    What is Kieran hanging on to in rural Pennsylvania? Family? Friends? Why let them hold you back from all the fun and adventure in Spain? Fucking the big-titted ladies.

    And if it doesn’t work out, you can go back to rural Pennsylvania. But at least you’d have a story to tell of the one time in your life when you actually tried to do something.

    The alternative, if we’re focusing on staying in rural Pennsylavania, is that Kieran goes back to his porn store job or Walmart or whatever. So it seems obvious that he would try the Ireland thing.

    People just don’t seem to do it. I can think of two people who I knew from school who lived abroad. One did some veterinarian course in Ireland, met an Irish guy, and I think she still lives in Ireland. And the other did some medical degree in one of those shady Caribbean medical schools and she’s a doctor somewhere in the US.

    But most everyone else I know from school, they just stayed in the ghetto and hoped to win the lottery or something. I don’t get it. Why were they content with that life?

    I suppose when you have children you can’t really uproot your family and move abroad with no job. You’re just committed to stay where you are for the next 20 years. And after 20 years, you’re looking at your seniority in your job and thinking about retirement and the opportunity to do anything interesting is long gone.

    But Kieran is still a swinging bachelor and a reasonably young man. So by this time next year, I expect Kieran to be in Ireland. Or whatever. Holland.

  • Newt Wallen’s Penis

    Nobody wants this, Newt. Well, maybe Joe from Gamesack and whoever those other “Youtubers” were who asked to see Newt’s penis presumably want this. But I don’t. I’m a heterosexual man.

    And then in the comments, he says, “I think he undersold but maybe 1 day ill post reference photo if people ask nice”.

    No. You’re not listening, Newt. We don’t want this.

    He must have also sent this picture to the guy who made the drawing. It’s completely insane.

    Newt seems to be taking a break from his channel. I remember him saying something about this. He’s didn’t want to keep shitting out videos for the sake of it and/or he was working on his mental health. Good for him. Continue with that work. Doing this weird, gay bullshit isn’t going to help with your mental health.

    What else do I want to say about Newt’s penis? I think that’s it. I think that I’ve said all that I want to say about Newt’s penis. So how am I going to pad this article out? Something life-affirming. And non-gay.

    Oh, I thought of something. And it’s penis-related so it works.

    In like the 4th to 7th grade, I was on the track team. I’m not saying that I was good by any means but, unlike in other sports, I wasn’t embarassingly bad. I mean, it’s just running. I can run.

    It was track and field, actually. I wasn’t so good at the field stuff. It’s like discuss, shot put, long jump, high jump…I think that was it. You had to do one field event and one track event, at least. I did long jump. I wasn’t very good but, again, I did a respectable job. I never got a ribbon, only the top 8 finishers would get ribbons, and there would be like 50 kids doing this shit, but whatever. There’s more to life than ribbons. And at least I beat the fat kids.

    Track was better. The 200 meter race seemed to be my distance. Because I didn’t run particularly fast, so wasn’t good for the short distance sprints. And I couldn’t run for long distances without quickly tiring so 400m and up were out. So 200m was it. The perfect distance for somebody who isn’t particularly good at running any distance.

    I never won but I might have got third place once in a while. Out of 8, I guess. Eight man races.

    Anyway, we had to train a lot. I don’t remember exactly how often. Maybe twice a week, after school. We’d do some exercises in the school gym and then run out to the high school track, which was like…I don’t know…two miles away and then we’d practice at the track. We were in grade school but the high school let us use their track. Probably rented it out to schools who were interested.

    But back at the school gym, we would do stretching exercises. Leg stretches. “Butterflies” were a common one. If you’re unaware, this is where you sit with your legs outstreched and you pull your feet to your crotch as close as possible and then bounce your legs, like a butterly flapping its wings. It sounds pretty gay when I describe it.

    Our coaches were a husband and wife. I think that the team was co-ed but I don’t actually remember any girls. No, it couldn’t have been co-ed because of what comes next in this story.

    The wife was telling us to do 50 “butterflies” or whatever. So we’re sitting there bouncing our legs. But she’s not happy with this. She thinks that we should do more stretching. She says, “I’m worried about your groins.”

    What the fuck? Worry about your own “groin”, madam. Not the “groins” of a bunch of 12 year olds.

    I just found the comment really awkward and weird. So much so that I still remember it 30 years later.

    There was another time when we went to a field trip to the Big City. This was probably in the 7th grade. I can’t remember where the trip was but there was a speaker talking about advertising. The evils of advertising. Something like this. And he showed a picture of Joe Camel and said that the face looks like a penis and testicles.

    This might have been an appropriate comment in a university lecture. Or maybe even high school. Maybe. But not to a bunch of seventh graders in a Catholic grade school.

    I remember our teacher smiling politely but uncomfortably at his comment and everybody else being uncomfortable too. And then the guy swifly moved on.

    After the trip, I was talking to a classmate and we agreed that this guy was a total pervert for making this observation. “Only somebody with a sick mind would see that in Joe Camel.”

    Actually, I guess that the resemblance is there, if you have a small, mishapen penis and large balls but at the time, I was convinced that this guy was just warped in the head and destined for eternal damnation.

    In any event, it’s a weird thing to say to a bunch of 12 year olds.

    And then there was the guy who would shove his penis into the face of some boy at school. The guy who did it was the biggest bully in our class and he was kind of friends with the other guy, who was a bully, but I guess that sometimes they didn’t get along.

    So for a few weeks, this guy would run up to the other guy, pull his pants down, and shove his tiny penis into this other guy’s face. He’d get right up in there. Like one inch away. Maybe closer. Then he would say stuff like, “See? He likes it.”

    And I remember the guy who was having this done to him just looking so disgusted by this. And when this kid would shove his penis into this other kid’s face, the kid who was receiving it would always turn his head and look away.

    This was happening probably in the 6th grade. Maybe 5th. It was the first year that we would get changed in the lockerrooms, I think. There were four lockerrooms and each lockerroom had an “attendant” or something, whose job was to report any misbehaviour to the gym teacher. It was just a student who was appointed by the teacher.

    So this attendant was watching this whole penis thing. It was like the second or third week that this was going on. We had gym class once a week. And everybody was disgusted by this guy’s behaviour. Nobody was into it.

    So the attendant finally told this guy to stop. But he couldn’t be too forceful about it because this guy was a bully and prone to violence. But just through the general disgust that everybody had when this guy was doing that shit, I guess that this bully finally gave up this game of showing another boy his penis. And yet somehow suggesting that it’s the other boy who’s gay. Not him. Not the guy who’s trying to get a blowjob from another boy.

    That kid must have been getting sexually abused to be exhibiting behaviour like this. It would explain the bullying behaviour too. And the low grades. He went to a different school by the 7th grade. Thank fuck. He was an asshole.

    It’s kind of the same behaviour that Newt exhibits. Forcing people to look at his penis. And then saying, “Oh, I’m not gay. You’re the one who’s gay because you looked at it.”