From one Jersey boy to another: Thank you Kevin Smith – Newt Wallen

This was originally a Patreon-exclusive video but then he decided that he wanted to reach an audience of more than six people.

Looking at his view numbers, they’re pretty low. Maybe 250 or 300 views on average. His awful live streams actually get slightly more views than this. Presumably, because the horntards want to watch PVC Bondage Guy doing her mukbang.

0:00 – The video is in black and white.

1:45 – Newt says that he learned more at his childhood video store than he did at film school. That’s right. Newt went to some scam film school in Canada. Look where that got him. They’re all just degree mills.

4:00 – Newt calls his cat a “mensch”. Or something. He’s a big Yiddish fan.

4:15 – Newt says that he wrote scripts as a child. I wonder if there’s been any improvement since then.

7:15 – Newt learned about Clerks because his mother brought a newspaper to one of his Little League games and showed him an article about it. Seems kind of weird. Bringing a newspaper to your child’s Little League game? She can’t pay attention to the game so she’s sitting in the stands reading the paper?

10:00 – Anyway, Newt was inspired by Kevin Smith making movies “with his friends” in a convenience store near Newt’s home. So this inspired Newt to make terrible tits and gore “movies” that never get released with prostitutes. I guess. I don’t quite see the connection to Kevin Smith.

12:45 – Newt describes Mallrats as a “Smart, teen, titty comedy.” Uh huh. It’s always the same shit with this guy.

I’m halfway through. Nothing is going on.

15:00 – Newt learned how to write in a screenplay format by purchasing scripts from some guy at a nerd convention.

16:30 – Newt says that his passion for writing scripts with a lot of “stylised but raw conversations” came from Kevin Smith. Or something. Uh huh. Do we see ANY examples of that in your shitty tits and gore scripts that you shit out in a day?

I’ve totally tuned out, by the way. I’m almost done with the video. It’s over 30 minutes long.

Eugh. How am I going to pad this out? This was a dud, Newt.

28:45 – “My ex, Christie, who passed away last June…”

Had a sweet ass who you liked fucking. Go on.

Actually, speaking of which, he tweeted a picture of her recently, I think.

“2 years ago. I wish I knew it was the last time I would see you. I’m glad I made you laugh so hard that day you snorted”

Uh huh. “I wish I could fuck that ass one last time.” You’re human garbage, Newt. What a way to speak about somebody right after they died.

29:45 – “I miss those days, I miss that feeling.”

He misses that feeling of his dick in her ass.

“But I’m glad it was there.”

I’ll bet.

Then Newt finishes by saying that Kevin Smith inspired him to create “art”. And he’s been feeling sentimental. He’s so glad that his mother gave him that newspaper on that fateful day. God, it’s just such a weird thing to do. Maybe it’s just the way he told it. Maybe there was a reason she had a newspaper with her.

In the comments, Newt says, “I did the hack thing an tagged him on Twitter. But I doubt this will get more than the 200 to 400 views I seem to be only able to get now.”

Did he get more views in the past? Umm…maybe? I’m looking at videos from a year ago and a lot of them are still around 300 views but some of them get a few thousand. Actually, I guess most of these have at least two or three thousand views.

Well, here’s the problem, Ideas Man: you’re a piece of shit. It’s kind of off-putting.

The 1990s. Fuck the 1990s. I’m living today.

4 thoughts on “From one Jersey boy to another: Thank you Kevin Smith – Newt Wallen

  1. Mallrats sucks ass! People praise it, but it really is a stupid movie. Take out the connections to Clerks, which were tacked on, and you have a piece of shit. I liked Clerks, and Dogma, that one was really good, but of course the Ideas Man would like the one Kevin Smith movie with the least thought put into it.

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