Gamer Girls

The alternative title that she used for the thumbnail is better than the one she used for the actual video. No. They’re not fun.

I’ve played them. Console RPGs and computer RPGs alike. It’s basically impossible to lose, especially with console RPGs (which are Japanese RPGs). If you’re stuck, just grind for six hours. Once your character is at level 99, you’re unstoppable.

Where’s the fun in any of this? I mean, I’ve played them. I played them in my youth and enjoyed them. But when you sit down and think about it, there’s no fun to be had. You’re just walking around, reading a boring as fuck story about demons or whatever, you’re clicking “attack” repeatedly, healing when necessary, and that’s it. That’s the game. It takes no skill whatsoever.

I was playing Minishoot Adventure recently. I bought it on the strength of one of Mike Matei’s recent streams. It’s kind of an RPG like Legend of Zelda and it has a leveling system. It was fun for maybe five hours and then I said, “This sucks cock.” It’s pointless.

At first, the game was frustratingly difficult because I’m using a mouse and keyboard and the people who made the game tell you that the game is designed to be played with a controller. So it was hard to aim the fucking gun. But once you get the “super shot”, which is an alternative fire mode that aims automatically for a brief period, the game is stupidly easy. All you have to do is use the “super shot”, wait a few seconds for it to recharge, use it again, rinse and repeat.

And if you do get stuck somewhere, don’t panic. Just go to a different part of the world, do some little dungeons, and level your character up some more. Don’t like the way you’ve leveled up your character? No problem. You can take points off and re-assign them. No penalty for doing this. So if you suddenly need a lot of speed for the racing parts of the game, you can just take points off from “power” and put them into “speed” and off you go. Then re-adjust it again after you win the race.

No strategy is involved in any of this. No skill. I’ve played for less than 10 hours and I’m already at 90% completion.

And if you really can’t be bothered to play the game, you can turn “invinsibility” on. It’s just right there as an option. It’s not hidden or anything. You can also click, “Give all achievements” if you don’t want to actually do the achievements. It’s completely absurd but I’m getting off the topic of whether RPGs or actually fun.

So let’s see what Zap and Mr Wright Way II have to say. They’re joined by some nerd. I’ll guess that it’s a black guy even though he has an Asian name.

Oh, we have a winner.

Mr Wright Way II introduces this guy as an “MSM artist”. I think that’s a reference to Mr Wright Way II’s “recording label”. Yeah. Master Sword Music. You guys all like Master Sword Music, right?

I’m turning this off. I can’t. I made it to the four minute mark. The music is loud and the topic is not what I expected. They’re all in agreement that RPGs are the BEST genre of video game. I was hoping for a discussion about how RPG’s aren’t any fun. That would have been much more interesting? Right?

People want critiques. They don’t want, “Oh, isn’t everything wonderful?” It’s not about positivity versus negativity, it’s about tedium versus intellectual discourse.

Everything ISN’T wonderful. Tell us what you DON’T like about RPGs. Tell us how the genre can improve. Simply sitting there and saying, “Oh, I like leveling up the characters and I like the spiky purple hair and I like the large inventory of swords” is not interesting.

If I wrote an article talking about how much I appreciate Newt Wallen’s committment to working three jobs and how cool his fondness for hockey is and my respect for New Jersey, it would be boring as fuck. Not because it’s “positive” but because it’s completely devoid of substance. Who cares? You like these things. I’m going to sit here and read paragraphs of this shit? I like ice cream. Let’s move on.

By critiquing something, be it RPGs or The Ideas Man, you’re engaged in an intellectual pursuit. Critiquing shit is the only way that progress gets made. These asslicking ladyboys who tell Newt to stay the course are not helping him. What kind of advice is that? Surely, there are things that you think he can improve on. Everybody can improve.

Take the Zap Cristal and Mr Wright Way II Podcast, for example. What can be improved? Eugh. Everything. It’s beyond redemption. But getting rid of the music is a start. Coming up with some interesting topics. Replacing these people with more interesting people.

Back to Minishoot Adventure. It’s an extremely disappointing game. There was a time, in this ten hours that I was playing it, that I thought, “This is kind of cool. I wish it was a longer game.” But by the end of the ten hours, I was totally done with it.

I measure the worth of a game in the number of years I can play it. Anything less than five years is a failure. I’m not one of these lunatics who views video games as disposable entertainment. “Oh, I got three hours of play out of this one. That’s better than a movie so I’m happy with that.”

No. Video game enjoyment should be measured in years. Pirates, Railroad Tycoon, Civilization, Alpha Centauri, Sim City 2000, Team Fortress 2, Fire Pro Wrestling World, Crusader Kings 2, Rimworld, Dungeon Crawl Stone Soup, these are games that I’ve spent many years on. They tend to be the type of game with a randomly generated world so that helps but it’s not necessary. Team Fortress 2 and Fire Pro aren’t those types of games.

My goal has always been to find one game that I can play forever. Civilization II comes the closest to that. And I always found it bizarre that somebody could find enjoyment in something like Super Mario Bros. This is mindless. There’s no replayability in this game.