Are RPGs The Best Genre Ever Made? – Zap Crystal

The alternative title that she used for the thumbnail is better than the one she used for the actual video. No. They’re not fun.

I’ve played them. Console RPGs and computer RPGs alike. It’s basically impossible to lose, especially with console RPGs (which are Japanese RPGs). If you’re stuck, just grind for six hours. Once your character is at level 99, you’re unstoppable.

Where’s the fun in any of this? I mean, I’ve played them. I played them in my youth and enjoyed them. But when you sit down and think about it, there’s no fun to be had. You’re just walking around, reading a boring as fuck story about demons or whatever, you’re clicking “attack” repeatedly, healing when necessary, and that’s it. That’s the game. It takes no skill whatsoever.

I was playing Minishoot Adventure recently. I bought it on the strength of one of Mike Matei’s recent streams. It’s kind of an RPG like Legend of Zelda and it has a leveling system. It was fun for maybe five hours and then I said, “This sucks cock.” It’s pointless.

At first, the game was frustratingly difficult because I’m using a mouse and keyboard and the people who made the game tell you that the game is designed to be played with a controller. So it was hard to aim the fucking gun. But once you get the “super shot”, which is an alternative fire mode that aims automatically for a brief period, the game is stupidly easy. All you have to do is use the “super shot”, wait a few seconds for it to recharge, use it again, rinse and repeat.

And if you do get stuck somewhere, don’t panic. Just go to a different part of the world, do some little dungeons, and level your character up some more. Don’t like the way you’ve leveled up your character? No problem. You can take points off and re-assign them. No penalty for doing this. So if you suddenly need a lot of speed for the racing parts of the game, you can just take points off from “power” and put them into “speed” and off you go. Then re-adjust it again after you win the race.

No strategy is involved in any of this. No skill. I’ve played for less than 10 hours and I’m already at 90% completion.

And if you really can’t be bothered to play the game, you can turn “invinsibility” on. It’s just right there as an option. It’s not hidden or anything. You can also click, “Give all achievements” if you don’t want to actually do the achievements. It’s completely absurd but I’m getting off the topic of whether RPGs or actually fun.

So let’s see what Zap and Mr Wright Way II have to say. They’re joined by some nerd. I’ll guess that it’s a black guy even though he has an Asian name.

Oh, we have a winner.

Mr Wright Way II introduces this guy as an “MSM artist”. I think that’s a reference to Mr Wright Way II’s “recording label”. Yeah. Master Sword Music. You guys all like Master Sword Music, right?

I’m turning this off. I can’t. I made it to the four minute mark. The music is loud and the topic is not what I expected. They’re all in agreement that RPGs are the BEST genre of video game. I was hoping for a discussion about how RPG’s aren’t any fun. That would have been much more interesting? Right?

People want critiques. They don’t want, “Oh, isn’t everything wonderful?” It’s not about positivity versus negativity, it’s about tedium versus intellectual discourse.

Everything ISN’T wonderful. Tell us what you DON’T like about RPGs. Tell us how the genre can improve. Simply sitting there and saying, “Oh, I like leveling up the characters and I like the spiky purple hair and I like the large inventory of swords” is not interesting.

If I wrote an article talking about how much I appreciate Newt Wallen’s committment to working three jobs and how cool his fondness for hockey is and my respect for New Jersey, it would be boring as fuck. Not because it’s “positive” but because it’s completely devoid of substance. Who cares? You like these things. I’m going to sit here and read paragraphs of this shit? I like ice cream. Let’s move on.

By critiquing something, be it RPGs or The Ideas Man, you’re engaged in an intellectual pursuit. Critiquing shit is the only way that progress gets made. These asslicking ladyboys who tell Newt to stay the course are not helping him. What kind of advice is that? Surely, there are things that you think he can improve on. Everybody can improve.

Take the Zap Cristal and Mr Wright Way II Podcast, for example. What can be improved? Eugh. Everything. It’s beyond redemption. But getting rid of the music is a start. Coming up with some interesting topics. Replacing these people with more interesting people.

Back to Minishoot Adventure. It’s an extremely disappointing game. There was a time, in this ten hours that I was playing it, that I thought, “This is kind of cool. I wish it was a longer game.” But by the end of the ten hours, I was totally done with it.

I measure the worth of a game in the number of years I can play it. Anything less than five years is a failure. I’m not one of these lunatics who views video games as disposable entertainment. “Oh, I got three hours of play out of this one. That’s better than a movie so I’m happy with that.”

No. Video game enjoyment should be measured in years. Pirates, Railroad Tycoon, Civilization, Alpha Centauri, Sim City 2000, Team Fortress 2, Fire Pro Wrestling World, Crusader Kings 2, Rimworld, Dungeon Crawl Stone Soup, these are games that I’ve spent many years on. They tend to be the type of game with a randomly generated world so that helps but it’s not necessary. Team Fortress 2 and Fire Pro aren’t those types of games.

My goal has always been to find one game that I can play forever. Civilization II comes the closest to that. And I always found it bizarre that somebody could find enjoyment in something like Super Mario Bros. This is mindless. There’s no replayability in this game.

4 thoughts on “Are RPGs The Best Genre Ever Made? – Zap Crystal

  1. She looks absolutely nothing like she does in her avatar photo. Yes it’s her but from 20
    Years ago, 200 lbs ago and heavily photoshopped. Does she believe that she still looks the same as before? And what the fuck happened? Black cock makes you fat and ugly? I have no idea. It’s very dishonest.
    Lady Decade, that shit head does the same thing. SUPER doctored. But you can still say, yeah that’s the same person. So you put your mouse over the thumbnail and the video starts to play and you see an instant +50 lbs! What a jump scare. I remember seeing one guy make it through the filter and ask what the fuck is up with that and she said something like, nothings changed, then got dogpiled by a bunch of faggots who are into fat feet.

    1. I think that Zap Cristal’s appearance really changed when she got with Mr Wright Way II. But then I realised that she was just always wearing wigs. She gave up on the wigs when she got with Mr Wright Way II. Of course, she also apparently got pregnant shortly after getting with Mr Wright Way II, so maybe it’s more her pregnancy that changed her appearance than just giving up on your appearance.

  2. I recently purchased, for the 10th time, I guess, the game “The Binding of Isaac.” I am quite obsessed with it. As I see it, it provides the thrill of starting underpowered, almost naked, and progressing until you become a god and destroy everything. But the enemies level up, and you keep getting stronger because new items get unlocked, and you get better at the game. I get that rush of “progression” in one hour, and then the game ends. But you can start another 1-hour gaming session, and since it’s procedurally generated, it’s always a new experience.

    I purchased it again because now, in Japan, I don’t have my gaming PC or console. But they sell it for the iPhone, so that’s it.

    For me, it’s a game for the ages. There are some characters you can choose that are one-hit-kill. I will never manage to finish the game with that difficulty, nor do I want to (it would mean that I’ve sunk tons of hours into this game). But still, it’s my happy place.

    As I am currently in Japan, I decided to visit Akihabara. And yes, it’s everything one would expect: a whole army of generic John RIGGS types desperately looking for a “hidden gem.” Because of these losers, retro games are costly (a used and worn-down 3DS is even more expensive than a Nintendo Switch in those stores). Man, if you think Newt is a loser, you should take a look at these guys. Newt would look like Brad Pitt in comparison.

    I remember the first time I came to Japan, about 20 years ago. It was a completely different story. Akihabara itself was a lot nicer. Old games and consoles were a bargain, and everything was fun.

    Today, it’s just a gaming graveyard, and I am still in shock at how many “Maid cafes” have opened: I swear, the girls trying to lure losers in are in the dozens—in a couple of blocks. Horntards with money, as you would put it.

    1. Oh yeah. The Binding of Isaac. I’ve seen that game before. I think that the visuals just put me off. I wasn’t even aware that it’s a game like you’re describing. I thought it was a Legend of Zelda clone.

      Can foreigners go to maid cafes? Isn’t speaking to the women a big part of it? If you speak Japanese, that’s obviously one thing but they woudn’t know that by looking at you.

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