0:00 – “Trailer review? I refuse.”

Zing! Take that, James Rolfe!

Newt is reviewing some trailer. I’m not really listening. I’m eating Haribo Jelly Babies. I’ve never seen these before. These are great. I think that I prefer them to the gummy bears. I prefer them to their Strawbs too. Big or normal. The normal Strawbs are better but I haven’t seen those in years. They’re squidgy but the big ones are…just flat. I demand squidgy Strawbs.

Newt is talking about Gozer or something.

Now he’s calling some theoretical person who didn’t like the trailer an “asshole”. Getting really angry about somebody who doesn’t even exist.

7:00 – “Take your negative fucking reaction videos and shove them up your ass.”


So that’s the video.

Originally, I had a whole long fillibuster here talking about a project that I was working on, inspired by The Ideas Man himself. I wrote about it because I decided I wasn’t going to give up on it. But now I’m re-inspired so I am going to do it. But that necessitated deleting paragraphs of stuff where I talked about this.

So now what am I going to do? I’d disappoint dozens of people if I don’t write something. Let me look at these statistics.

I’ve been getting about 80 visitors a day. That’s up from 70 a few weeks ago. Organic growth.

Maybe I should advertise. But has it worked for Newt? He apparently bought ads on Facebook or something and then wasn’t happy with the results. It’s true. You’re not going to go to some random lunatic’s Youtube channel because you saw an ad on Facebook. And even if you did, you’re not going to like what you see. Some guy talking about movies and fucking a dead chick in the ass? Why on earth would I want to watch this?

Where would I even advertise? I think that my penetration of the Reddit Cinemassacre community is pretty saturated. What other audience would be interested? I can’t go on Erin’s channel and say, “Hey, come to my blog.” She’d delete it.

Besides, I call the people on Reddit gay and the commentators on Youtube retarded. I’m not going to endear people to the blog like this. This is anti-advertising.

Is John Riggs still shilling for bikes? No, it seems like he stopped after my article. It’s probably coincidental.

When I was a kid, there was like a six month period where scooters were cool and then suddenly everyone outgrew them. They weren’t the small, slim scooters of today, they were comparable to bicycles.

I had one but the tires had holes in them so just loads of caulk was put around the tires. I know that it’s “tyres” in British English, by the way, but I’m not doing that. But that’s really disappointing. You get a scooter and there’s fucking holes all over the tires. Why? Why didn’t they take it back to the store? Just fucking laziness.

Another time, I got a basketball. I was terrible at basketball but I was on the team at school. This was like fourth to seventh grade. I was the worst player by far.

So my father gets me a basketball and it’s a red, white, and blue Harlem Globetrotters type ball. I brought it to school once, the kids made fun of me, so never again.

Why didn’t he just get me a regular basketball? I expect this shit from my mother because she’s an immigrant but my father was born and raised in the US. He should know how things are done. Just get a fucking regularly organge basketball. I’m not fucking Curly Neal.

Another time, I brought my baseball glove to school. It was a toy. It was not a real baseball glove. It was plastic. But for some reason, I had to bring a glove to school. I think for gym. We were playing….something that required a glove, but it couldn’t have been baseball. Maybe I just brought it to play…whatever that game is where you bounce a tennis ball off the wall and it’s similar to baseball. We used to play this at recess. People used their gloves for this.

But everyone else was in Little League. They had actual gloves.

So I didn’t want to bring this toy. So I remember hiding it under my shirt on my way out of my home and my mother got furious. “DON’T MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE WITH HUNCHED BACKS.”

What? Where was she living where hunchbacks were a real thing that she witnessed? The thought didn’t even occur to me. I wasn’t trying to make fun of Quasimodo. I just didn’t want to bring this toy glove to school.

But I did and people made fun of me.

4 thoughts on “GHOSTBUSTERS: Frozen Empire REACTION VIDEO – Newt Wallen

  1. Kids in school are such fucking assholes! No wonder schools are getting shot up left and right. I was out of school by then but I felt no sympathy for the columbine school. People were shocked when I’d say so. Should’ve been nicer to them, wouldn’t have gotten all shot up.
    Years after graduating when MySpace came about I’d get messages from people from school acting like that part of life never happened. Suddenly all nice guys. You want me to be your online friend? You must have forgotten how you called me a retard and a faggot daily until graduation. Fuck off.

    1. I received surprisingly little bullying, given my clearly autistic nature. Just “He’s quiet” kind of things.

      The only time I got in a fight was with the biggest nerd in school. Somebody threw a football and hit this kid in the face. He was concerned that his glasses were broke. So he ran around asking who did it and as a joke, somebdoy said that it was me. I literally never threw a football in my life.

      But this fucking moron believed it. So he tried to start a fight with me. And the kid who said it was me egged him on and soon a crowd formed. It was probably the kid who said I threw the ball who actually threw it.

      So this kid is giving me little punches to the arm and I’m sarcastically saying “ow ow ow” every time hoping that he’ll stop. He didn’t stop so I grabbed his arm, twisted it, and punched him in the stomach with my other hand. He reacted like he got hit by Mike Tyson. I did not hit him hard.

      Then the fight just ended. So that’s my story of being a badass and ending fights with one punch.

  2. Kind of ironic since you got fatass Tony over on Twitter same day crying how he’s not going to watch this film implying it’s because he hates Patton Oswalt (I guess?). Tony, Patton Oswalt is about a million times funnier than anything you’ve ever said. Especially since you laugh at your own lame jokes even if nobody else in the room is. You’re an absolute loser compared to him lol. You would never ever be hired to be on Reno 911 or guest star on a RedLetterMedia vid among the many other things he has done. For all I know Newt was talking *about* Tony specifically in what he said. I agree with him frankly if he was. Tony and his whole contrarian faggot schtick is so old at this point. He’s a liar too since he will often still watch the thing and review it on his channel like a year later.

  3. The day before he posted this video, he was on Twitter posting for sympathy because he:
    -woke up with a weird taste in his mouth.
    -sharp pains in his chest.
    Yet, he went to work… and then fell down some stairs? And had to go to the ER?
    Then, he says he has to call his therapist and hashtag #MentalHealthMatters
    Uh, maybe find another therapist? And get your actual health, like your body and diet, in shape?
    This guy is just always and forever full of shit!

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