Gamer Girls

The “movie” starts and some giant nerd is talking to a guy in a video game store in California. The guy owns the store? I guess? He’s hard to understand. He’s a Mexican guy. Part of it is the accent but I just don’t think this was set up properly. Whatever the sound situation is or the microphones or whatever. Or why didn’t they just do another take and tell this guy to annunciate? Because this conversation is clearly scripted. They’re trying to pass it off as organic but you’d be an idiot to believe that.

0:30 – “My name is Edward Payson and I’m a film-maker in Burbank California. Something was missing in my life.”

You don’t have to tell me. This guy is saying this in front of a shelf of games, by the way. In his home, presumably. While wearing some kind of nerd t-shirt. And he’s knocking on 50 if he isn’t there already. And he’s either wearing a toupee or this is the world’s worst haircut. LOADS of stuff is missing from this guy’s life.

“I was in California. I was making movies. I was making commercials. I had lots of friends.”

How about a girlfriend, Edward? How about a wife? How about children? That’s what you’re missing. And you’re not going to find any of these things because you’re obsessed with this nerd bullshit. It’s pussy repellent.

“I was doing the things that I thought I wanted to do.”

Yourself? Jacking it to pornographic drawings of Zelda? There’s more to life, Edward. Well, it seems like he’s about to tell us what his epiphany was. Lay it on us, Edward.

“But something seemed to be missing and I realised that it was…retro video games.”

Wait. What? No. This is not the answer. This is not the answer for anyone.

Let me look this guy up.

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm3078850/

Almost all of his credits are for shorts. I’d say 90%.

He was born in 1986? What? Really? And he looks like this? How old does that make him? 37. What the fuck? This guy must have lead a rough life.

But anyway, back to his credits. They’re almost all shorts. So…that’s nothing. That’s just like student films. Are people getting paid to produce shorts? Where can you even watch shorts?

This guy is totally wasting his life. And in that opening segment, he’s shown paying for these games with a huge wad of cash. How did he possibly get that money by making student films? And who pays with a giant fucking wad of cash like that anyway? It looks beyond shady.

So then he starts going on about how he just woke up one day and decided that retro video games were going to be the cure to his crippling depression and anxiety. So he started trying to collect all of the Genesis games, for example.

No, you fucking cretin. Diet and exercise should have been your focus. He’s a big fat guy, by the way. Of course he is. But lose some weight and you can start picking up some chicks. Use that fucking line about how you’re a bigshot movie maker on them.

“The answer to my problems was retro video games.” Fuck off.

1:25 – You have to pause the video but there’s a custom-made Genesis cover of this guy and his wife or girlfriend, some tattooed skank, and she’s holding a picture of a sonogram, and the title of the game is “We’re Having a Girl”.

Who the fuck would want to play that game? What’s the goal? To collect sonograms? Wait. No. It’s to have a child. So…it’s some weird hentai game, I guess. You play as a delusional fat guy who thinks that he’s a film maker and you try pick up the most desperate, drug-addled, heavily-tattooed women you can find in the hopes of impregnating one of them. There is no “good” ending in this game, though. All of the endings are “bad”.

“Where it ends, I don’t know.”

He’s talking about where his passion for hoarding retro video games ends. I’ll tell you where it ends. With you dying alone and deeply depressed, having wasted your life.

“By this point, I just directed a horror movie about a haunted Sega Genesis game.”

And he shills for the “movie”. It’s called Bits.

See, here’s why you need more imaginative titles. There are already MANY movies with that title. Is it the movie about a transgender teenager in Los Angeles? Let’s find out. Nope. Wasn’t that one. Was it the one about aspiring comedians? Nope. Not that one either.

I can’t even find it on Google. I have to go back to his IMDB page.

It’s not even out yet. Great. Maybe it will never be released. Newt Wallen style.

I did find his Facebook, though.

https://www.facebook.com/ted.payson

He has about a billion pictures and videos of his daughter. That’s weird. And it says that he studied directing at some place called Columbia College Hollywood. Let me look this no doubt fine institution up.

They have a 48% graduation rate and a 100% acceptance rate. SCAM! That abortion nut from Hack the Movies went to a similar school. I believe that Newt Wallen did as well.

These scam schools are all over the US. Places that accept everybody and have a high attrition rate. Also, of course, they have a high tuition rate. So anybody who can get $27,000 for the year, can get in. And it’s not difficult to get student loans because the loans are guaranteed by the government and can’t be discharged in bankruptcy.

These schools take desperate people with a dream and put them in perpetual debt for the rest of their lives with absolutely nothing to show for it. And this guy puts it on his fucking Facebook profile. Like he’s proud of having gone to Columbia College Hollywood. What has this guy done? Shorts. Student films. Was it worth $27,000/year for however many years? He was conned. He was sold a dream and got NOTHING. Worse than nothing. He got a lifetime of debt.

1:30 – “What is this overwhelming feeling of nostalgia and do other people get this?”

It’s a realisation that you’ve totally wasted your life and yes. If you were happy with your life, you wouldn’t be trying to solve your problems by wearing a vintage Altered Beast t-shirt and buying 40 year old games.

1:45 – Then some fucking “Youtuber” or something, who I’ve never heard of, appears. He says that when people are depressed they turn to things that they enjoyed as a child. Yeah. This is not something to be celebrated. It’s a sign of deep depression and being unhappy with your life.

2:30 – Then there’s some other asshole in his “game room”. He’s clearly gay.

3:45 – JOHN RIGGS is talking about *nostalgia* now. He says that he has arthritis. Yeah. Fucking being 400 pounds will tend to put pressure on your joints. If you want to call it “arthritis”, fine. But let’s be honest. Your condition is the result of chronic obesity.

He says that he has a full-time job. Impossible. He’s going to these nerd conventions, trying to pick up purple-haired women, every week or two.

4:30 – Metal Jesus. This fucking asshole. There’s just something about him that I don’t like. I used to watch his videos many years ago. I stopped watching around the time that he started aggressively shilling for Patreon. But I don’t think that that’s what put me off. And it wasn’t cancelled road trip across America that he was begging people to fund. And it wasn’t his leaky basement. I don’t know what it was. But there’s something about him that I just don’t like.

Maybe it’s just the general grifting. He seems really adverse to having to get a job like a normal person. And he talks about that job that he had at Sierra like 30 years ago constantly. So you think, “Oh, he must have been helping with the games or something.” No. He was working that scam 1-900 hint line. That’s it. That’s the job that’s what he’s referring to when he constantly mentions that he “worked at Sierra.” Telling kids how to find the field kit in Police Quest 2.

6:00 – Robert Komen. Whoever this is. Some other unemployed “Youtuber”. He’s wearing a hat indoors because he’s presumably bald and self-conscious.

There’s extended footage of this guy wearing this beanie in his home. Is it cold in his home? Go get a job and then you can pay the heating bill.

6:30 – James Rolfe. I’m surprised that he’s not wearing a hat. He’s wearing an unbuttoned flannel shirt. I used to dress like this in 1994. It was the style. Grunge was popular. But I’m not wearing that now. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? I know that he’s retarded but why doesn’t his wife help him dress?

He says that had some games as a kid but not really. He says that he mostly rented games. But then he says that he started “collecting” when he started doing the AVGN videos because people would “donate” games to him. That’s what he’s talking about when he says that he “collects” video games. Just whatever people give him for free. He’s not buying games. He’s just collecting the shit that people give him.

He shows a graded copy of Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde that presumably is going for a lot of money. He says that a “fan” gave it to him.

8:45 – Some other nobody “Youtuber”.

9:15 – Deniz Kahn. I don’t know this guy either but he’s annoying. He equates hoarding video games to being part of the fabric of America. This is what 25,000 to 75,000 American colonists died for in the war against the tyrannical British monarchy. The right to hoard video games.

What a fucking piece of shit this guy is to equate obsessive consumerism with a yearning for freedom, equality, and justice. He says “America” or “Americana” or something similar at least three fucking times in his first sentence.

Let me look this fucking faggot up. Deniz Kahn.

According to his LinkedIn, Turkish is his native language and he went to some university in Jordan. He founded WATA Games, which is a company that grades video games.

Okay, so perhaps this helps explains his bafflingly misguided views on the ideals that America was founded on. Maybe take a referesher civics course down at your local community college before you start spouting this fucking ignorant bullshit again.

Also, it seems that his company was recently sued for some financial improprieties. Fucking piece of shit. Using patriotism to justify his obsession with swindling people out of money.

9:45 – Eugh. Super Awkward Gal. I saw her Twitter recently. She hasn’t been on Twitter or Youtube for like nine months. She says that she’s no longer a part of SoCal Retro Gaming Expo. This something that she made a HUGE DEAL out of like a year ago. She actually paid money to become a joint-owner of this nerd convention. Then six months later, she’s out and no explanation is given.

This is almost as bad as her seven fabulous days of working at Screenwave Media. She was all about Screenwave. She was hyping the company. And then seven days later, she said that she quit and she deleted the videos where she talked about how awesome the company is. Why did she quit? She never said.

Same with this nerd convention. Why is she no longer a part of it? No idea. She doesn’t say.

https://twitter.com/super_retro_gal

And yeah, this “documentary” lists Super Retro Gal aka Brooklyn aka Super Awkard Gal as being the owner of SoCal Retro Gaming. Why doesn’t she tell us what happened?

Anyway, Super Awkard Gal says that she thinks that video game collecting is dying because…minimalism is in vogue. She says that video game streamers nowadays have very minimalist home decors. Umm…am I crazy or is that the most retarded fucking answer that anyone can possibly give?

I have to stop here. How long do I have left? Oh fuck. There are still another 90 minutes of this.