Temple of Doom is the Best Indiana Jones Movie! – Tony from Hack the Movies

Another non-horror movie. That’s always good. And I’ve seen the movie. Many times. I’ve seen all of the trilogy many times. I haven’t seen any of the later movies.

So Tony is here with everyone’s favourite porn star Johanna. She’s wearing some kind of cowboy hat? I guess? Must be sunny in Tony’s apartment.

Tony and Johanna both like the movie. Of course, it’s considered the worst of the trilogy. That’s the hook here. You’re supposed to be interested in hearing a contrary opinion. But it’s not working for me.

I don’t even really remember the movie. I probably last saw it when I was in my early 20s. It must have been on television. I remember it being in India and caves and eating monkey brains and was that annoying screaming woman in this one? With that annoying Asian boy? I don’t know. But I don’t remember anything about the plot or the antagonist.

4:00 – Tony says that he went to a karate school as a kid. Uh huh. Then why was he so unknowledgable about the martial arts in the Bloodsport “review”? Maybe he just went for a short while.

5:00 – Johanna takes her hat off and says, “It’s not even brown.” Oh. So this was supposed to be like the hat that Indiana Jones wears. I thought it was like the hat that Freddy Krueger wears. But anyway, that was the reference, I guess. She wasn’t wearing it for fashion.

6:00 – Tony doesn’t know what language they speak in China. He suggests Mandarin and then “Chinese”. Johanna says, “No, that’s not it. It’s Madarin or what’s the other one?”

Cantonese. Mostly spoken in Hong Kong. The only reason you know about it is because a lot of people from Hong Kong moved to the US. But they speak many languages in China. Not just Mandarin and Cantonese. How could they not know this?

Then Tony starts talking about his high school musical theatre experiences. GAY!

9:30 – Johanna goes on and on about how hot Harrison Ford was in this movie. Eugh. Can you at least TRY to say something worth listening to?

I’m at 22 minutes. Nap time. I’m going to put this pause and I’ll possibly continue this when I wake up. But I probably won’t.

That was refreshing. I’ll let this shit play in the background. Maybe something semi-interesting will be said, although I doubt it.

24:30 – Johanna goes on and on and on and on and on and on about the scene where that annoying woman doesn’t want to eat whatever she’s being served by these Indian people. Tony agrees. The idea is that it’s outrageous to refuse to eat food when people around you are starving?

What? How does that follow? That woman refusing to eat doesn’t mean that other people in the village are going to have even less food. If anything, the complete oppostite is true. By her not eating, it means that somebody else can eat her food. What’s the problem?

I remember in like the second grade being served a hamburger patty with a scoop of mashed potatoes on it. It was the most disgusting thing I’d ever seen in my life. So I started crying. I don’t want to eat this shit. But I knew that I couldn’t throw it away because the cafeteria ladies scold you for throwing food away.

So I’m freaking out and a teacher comes over to me. She starts talking about starving African children. What’s the relevance? You served me complete shit. A hamburger patty with a scoop of mashed potatoes on it is not a meal. It’s not appetising. There are ways to prepare meat and potatoes that are much more palatable than this. And I’m not a starving African child. I had absolutely nothing to do with the famine in Africa.

This teacher keeps encouraging me to eat the food, though. This fucking disgusting shit. There’s no chance. So finally she gave up and I was allowed to throw it away. The cafeteria never served that dish ever again. So a victory for common sense. A hamburger patty with a scoop of mashed potatoes on it. Fuck you. That’s disgusting. That shouldn’t even be served to starving African children.

This is awful. I made it to 30:00.

  • “hey i know i fuck with you a lot. But good content. This is the only time im saying it.”

That was a comment from Mike Matei. What? Why did Mike, apparently, like this? What year did this movie come out? 1986? No. 1984.

Yeah. I see then. This is Mike’s era. He was four years old. Mike is all about things that happened when he was between the ages of two and four. Those were Mike’s prime years.

Now I’m going to go watch Conan the Barbarian. And listen to Hungry like the Wolf by Duran Duran. And enjoy a bowl of Most cereal. 1982 was truly the pinacle of human civilization and I was there living it to the fullest, as a four year old.

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