A Halloween Parody in 5 Minutes – Tony from Hack the Movies


I’ve never seen the movie so you’ll have to forgive me if I’m not getting some important reference.

0:15 – It starts with a woman saying to…I think Clark Gable, who appears on Hack the Movies, “Want to go upstairs and mess around for like five seconds?”, to which Lou Ferrigno responds, “Sounds good to me.”  

So they go upstairs, then a second later her runs back down and says, “I’ll call you.”  How hackneyed.

Then a guy in a clown outfit takes a knife from a drawer and a clown mask and goes upstairs.

1:00 – Jump scare.  That woman who was talking about having sex with James Dean was Tony’s mother.  What the fuck?  Who could have predicted this?

Seriously, this woman is in her 50s.  At least.  And she’s playing a teenager?  

You couldn’t tell the age of this woman in the establishing shots because it was being filmed far away, outside of the house, through a window.  But now we get a closeup.  What the fuck.

Although, it does raise an interesting point regarding Desi Arnaz.  Now, I’ve given this guy a lot of shit for calling himself an “actor” when he’s only done stuff like “Security Guard #2” in some short student film.  

I take all of that back.  If this guy can do a scene where he talks about wanting to have sex with THIS woman (Mrs Piluso) then he’s the world’s greatest actor.  

Then this clown stabs this MILF.  Or…M, anyway.

I shouldn’t talk about Tony’s mother like this.  It’s nice that she appeared in the movie.  Helping her son out.  Taking an interest in his dumb projects.  I just question the role that Tony gave her.

1:15 –  Now we see Sheriff Lobo and some woman in a tan suit jacket.  They were the parents of this kid who stabbed Tony’s mom.

1:30 – Then there’s a graphic saying “15 years later”.  

Some guy in a trenchcoat is in a car.  He’s saying some stuff about wanting to capture Michael Myers. Then he’s dropped off and the car speeds away.  I don’t get any of that.

1:45 – Now we have this anti-abortion nut talking to Jessica the Intern.  Jessica is playing a boy, because she looks like a boy, and the anti-abortion nut is playing…fuck.  I don’t know.  I might not be the best person to review this shit.

Okay, I had to listen to this three times before I got the joke and understood what everyone was saying.  The anti-abortion nut says to Jessica the intern something like, “Let’s meet up under the palm tree.”  And Jessica the intern says, “Aren’t we in Illinois?”

The joke being that there aren’t many palm trees in Illinois.  But it was hard to understand what anyone was saying and…the joke just wasn’t…funny.

2:00 – Next scene.  Eugh.  I know that horror movies can sometimes make you feel queasy but this is going too far.  You got this anti-abortion nut, Johanna who looks 300 pounds, and Crystal Quin aka Horeseface McGee who…oh my god.  I don’t even want to say anything.  Just check it out for yourself.  If you’re jerking off to that shit, god bless you.

So there’s some dialogue and Johanna just says “totally” a bunch of times.  I guess that the “joke” is that she’s a terrible actress.  Fuck.  This is awful.

Then Horseface says, “Linda, feel free to come over and have sex whenever you want for some reason.”

Eugh.  Come on.  Have some compassion for the viewer.  Nobody wants to see or hear this.

Then…eugh…I don’t know if I can do this.  Horseface is so painfully unattractive.  I’m just going to try to ignore it.  I’ll have to close my eyes during her scenes.  It’s too gruesome.

2:30 – Then there’s another scene with that guy who’s looking for Michael Myers.  And the joke is that he’s right behind him reading a newspaper.  

3:00 – Now a scene with that anti-abortion nut and Jessica the intern.  I’m just glad that Horseface isn’t here.  In the scenes where she’s not there, you really get a sense of relief.  “Yeah, this is complete dogshit but at least I don’t have to look at that horse-faced woman for a little while”.  It lulls you into a false sense of security.

I can’t even understand what this anti-abortion nut is saying.  She’s awful.  I’ve listened to this three times.  “And tonight the evil (something something) to get us”.  Good work.

3:15 – Oh my god.  Then we’re back to Horseface.  I’m only halfway through this.  This is the longest six minutes of my life.  She’s really emoting.  It’s awful.

She opens the front door, throws a dummy, and says, “Hey, watch this kid.  I got to go get laid.”

Well…oh fuck…the bad news is that we have to think about Horseface in some kind of sexual situation.  But the good news is that this means that this is Horseface’s last scene.  Right?  Let’s hope so.

Well, almost.  In the next scene she was briefly getting choked out by Michael Myers in the car.  But it was okay because her hair was covering her face.  

Ahhhhh.  I feel so much better now.  Not because the Horseface character was violently killed.  I’m not a psychopath.  But I’m just glad that Horseface’s role is over.  We can just watch this thing in peace now.

3:30 – Ew.  But then we have Johanna and some guy, possibly her real life boyfriend, talking about having sex.  And Johanna continues to just say “totally” because the joke is that she’s a bad actress.  Why not just get a good actress then?  Or a semi-competent one at least.

Then Johanna and this guy get killed.  Then there are multiple scenes of this anti-abortion nut running and screaming.  

4:45 – Now more mumbling bullshit with this anti-abortion nut and the intern.

5:15 – Then that guy in the trench coat starts shooting Michael Myers.

Then that’s the video.  Tony is there at the end to encourage you to subscribe to his Patreon if you want to see bonus footage of Horseface emoting.  No thanks, Tony.  

– “This was awesome. I laughed so hard when Crystal threw that kid and said she was going to go get laid. Lol. Great short.”

That reminds me.  This was supposed to be funny.  I didn’t find it funny, though.  That’s to be expected, I guess, but it was like…it wasn’t even supposed to be funny.  It’s only after I read this comment that I realised, “Oh, this was supposed to be a comedy.”

Now that I think about it, there were jokes.  There were plenty of jokes.  But not…funny ones.

Maybe I was just too traumatised by Horseface.  

– “Oh baby I’m only here for the Crystal Quin foot shots at 4:33!! Looks like I’ll be needing a new jar of Vaseline tomorrow!”

That was from somebody whose name is actually “Horn Dog”.  And indeed, if you go to the time stamp there’s a picture of a Horseface dead, barefoot, and in bed.  I didn’t even notice this.  This is so awful.

So in summary, it’s no Hack the Living Dead.  Hack the Living Dead was almost watchable.  Almost.  

This isn’t even Mummy Cop.  Mummy Cop was unwatchable but it didn’t cause me physical discomfort to watch it.

This was really bad.  I’d give it two stars.  Out of a hundred.

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